Happiful Issue 92

Patching it up Rejection therapy

Could regular rejection help build your resilience? Picking apart the power of mending –literally & figuratively

SEEING RED

Diffuse the tension with rage journaling

The untapped potential of mixing generations with your BFFs

A society grows great when old men plant trees in whose shade they know they shall never sit in

Greek Proverb

Photography

|

Vlad Chețan

A patchwork of the past

The funny thing about the passing of time is that our recollections can be very different from the lived reality. We tend to cherry-pick the moments that stick with us, rather than recalling the full, often complex, picture.

Our brain’s negativity bias might hold on to the most embarrassing interactions that keep us up at night, mortified all over again at the memory of forgetting a co-worker’s name while making introductions, or the stranger who witnessed us walking into a glass door.

And yet, the person in question probably doesn’t even remember this event, or maybe showed us kindness – but we overlook that side of the interaction.

On the other hand, we might reflect on challenging periods in our lives and feel so distanced from them we can’t recollect those feelings, or picture the position we felt trapped in. Our growth can be a wonderful thing, our healing so gradual yet real, it can make us question the past. Was it really that bad? Was I over-dramatic? Have I made it all up?

Healing is a unique journey – and however you find your way forward from a place of pain or hurt is OK. But one thing I hope you never doubt is your strength and resilience to make it through. Do not underestimate how far you’ve come, or lose compassion for the person you were when you started.

This issue showcases a spectrum of stories of transformation, growth, and change – in some unexpected ways.

From breaking down the barriers of generational echo chambers (p61), to recognising the signs of (and stepping back from) being a super-helper (p80), and discovering innovative ideas for upcycling (p52), mending can come in many forms – from ourselves to our connections, and metaphorical representations.

Author Cormac McCarthy wrote: “Scars have the strange power to remind us that our past is real.” It’s a sentiment that I hope offers comfort on your healing journey as we lead you through this issue.

To know that you don’t need to be ashamed of your scars, whether literal or figurative. That even as you move forward, you don’t have to dismiss where you’ve been.

Letting go, mending, and soothing, doesn’t mean you always forget, so show yourself (and your past self) the compassion you deserve.

Happy reading,

REBECCA THAIR | EDITOR-IN-CHIEF

At Happiful, inclusivity, representation, and creating a happier, healthier society are at the forefront of our mission. To find out more about our social and environmental pledges, visit happiful.com/pledges

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F | happifulhq

X | @happifulhq

I | @happiful_magazine

Time for reflection

12 What is chronophobia?

How to navigate the extreme fear of the passage of time

40 Boredom or ennui?

Understand this existential feeling

56 A year of glimmers

32 stories of hope and inspiration

61 Outside the echo chamber

Discover the vast benefits of intergenerational friendships

80 Super-helper syndrome

How to spot the signs and start putting yourself first (for once!)

Positive pointers

26 Finding your stride

Ready to overcome runner’s imposter syndrome?

33 The science of gratitude

Explore the enticing evidence behind why giving back feels so good

52 Five upcycling ideas

Create a unique eco-friendly home

83 Put the past in perspective

With our exclusive journaling pages

Relationships

23 Can trust be rebuilt?

Uncovering the steps to help you move forward following betrayal

Make

HappifulREGULARS

Food & health

36 Gluten-free festivities

Try this recipe for Christmas cake with a gluten-free twist

70 Nerve flossing

Learn about this popular treatment for common aches and pains

75 Dopamine fast

Are you addicted to ‘feel good’ hits?

* Expert review

Every issue of Happiful is reviewed by an accredited counsellor, to ensure we deliver the highest quality content while handling topics sensitively.

Wellbeing

So often in life, we focus on the negatives and things that aren’t going well. Due to this, we connect less easily with the things that are going well in our lives. With time, this becomes a barrier to our wellbeing. Head over to p33 to explore how you can integrate gratitude into your day. Recognising just one thing a day that you feel gratitude for can have a resounding impact. It creates a new energy within – nurturing a positive sense of wellbeing for yourself and others.

Happiful Community

Meet the team of experts providing information, guidance, and insight throughout this issue

KAIRE DAVIDSON

MA Dip.HIP

Kaire is a yoga teacher and a humanistic and integrative psychotherapist.

STEVE MAHER

MA Cert. PCIC Dip.Psych MAC MHGI

Steve is a consultant, professional coach, psychotherapist, and writer.

ABIGAIL HOLMAN

Dip.Couns MBACP

Abigail is a counsellor, coach, and trainer.

PIPPA MOYE

BSc (Hons) MA PGDip. MBACP

Pippa is a psychotherapist, Reiki master, teacher, and spiritual coach.

VICTORIA JEFFRIES

MSc MBACP

Victoria is a psychotherapeutic counsellor working with clients across the country.

GEORGINA STURMER

BA (Hons) MBACP

Georgina is an integrative counsellor helping clients create a more confident life.

JODIE MARKS

BSc (Hons) TC-L4 Dip. CSK-L2 CST-L3 MBACP

Jodie is a psychotherapist and supervisor specialising in trauma, abuse, and workplace stress.

CLARE PATTERSON

LLB MSc Dip.Psych MBACP

Clare is an integrative transpersonal psychotherapist.

CRISTINA TROCCOLI WILLIAMS

BA (Hons) Dip.NT BANT CNHC

Cristina is a nutritional therapist with a particular focus on gut health.

HELEN JANE CAMPBELL

BA (Hons) Dip. CIPR Dip. ILM

Helen is a coach for creative people and the author of Founders, Freelancers & Rebels

SHAN MERCHANT

MA Dip.Psych UKCP Reg. Shan is a counsellor specialising in relationships, dating, breakups, and affairs.

Are you a wellbeing expert with valuable insight to share? Happiful professional membership includes opportunities to be featured in our award-winning magazine. Discover how to join by emailing us at professionals@happiful.com

Our team

EDITORIAL

Rebecca Thair | Editor-in-Chief

Kathryn Wheeler | Features Editor

Lauren Bromley-Bird | Editorial Assistant

Bonnie Evie Gifford, Kat Nicholls | Senior Writers

Kate Norris | Content Creator & Writer

Becky Banham | Content & Marketing Officer

Michelle Elman, Steve Maher | Columnists

Ellen Lees | Head of Content

Keith Howitt | Sub-Editor Rav Sekhon | Expert Advisor

ART & DESIGN

Charlotte Noel | Creative Lead

Rosan Magar | Illustrator & Videographer

Ellen Foster | Graphic Designer

COMMUNICATIONS

Alice Greedus | PR Manager

Emily Whitton | Marketing Coordinator

CONTRIBUTORS

Lydia Smith, Caroline Butterwick, Emma Loker, Cristina Troccoli Williams, Kerry Law, Pippa Moye, Elizabeth Bennett, Kai Conibear, Katie Scott, Lydia Wilkins, Tracie Couper, Kate Orson, Fiona Fletcher Reid

SPECIAL THANKS

Kaire Davidson, Georgina Sturmer, Clare Patterson, Shan Merchant, Jodie Marks, Abigail Holman, Helen Jane Campbell, Victoria Jeffries, Alison Bruce, Dr Marianne Trent, Dr Louise Goddard-Crawley

MANAGEMENT

Amy-Jean Burns | Chief Executive Officer Claire Vince | Chief Operations Officer

SUBSCRIPTIONS

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CONTACT

Happiful, c/o Memiah, Building B, Riverside Way, Camberley, Surrey, GU15 3YL Email us at hello@happiful.com

HAPPIFUL FAMILY

Helping you find the help you need. Counselling Directory, Life Coach Directory, Hypnotherapy Directory, Nutritionist Resource, Therapy Directory

The Uplift

ANIMALS

Dog detective Reid wins award for saving birds from predators

We all know that our beloved fourlegged friends can do incredible things – but one clever dog has really taken the biscuit, and has been recognised as Animal of the Year at the annual Animal Action Awards for 2024.

Reid is a six-year-old springer spaniel who, with his handler Rachel Cripps, has been working tirelessly to safeguard endangered seabirds off the coast of Scotland. In 2021, NatureScot made the devastating discovery that the numbers of 11 species of seabirds had almost halved since the 1980s – with invasive rodents blamed for this drop, as they eat eggs and hunt chicks.

This is where Reid steps in. Trained as a detection dog, Reid is able to locate rodents quickly through their scents, nests, and droppings. He also helps scour cargo being transported to the islands, watching out for rodent stowaways. But, that’s not all. Reid visits schools,

educating children on the work he does, and the importance of conservation.

Reflecting on her highlight of working with Reid, Rachel says: “The first ever trip to an island as part of this project was a real ‘pinch me’ moment, as we went on to these remote islands. The first island that we got to

travel to was Shetland. It was in December, it was cold, the winter sun was low in the sky, and it was just me and Reid, together, doing our bit for conservation. That’s an experience I’ll never forget – you can’t beat that really.”

To find out more about the Animal Action Awards, head to ifaw.org/uk Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

KIDS

Survey reveals children’s favourite place to make family memories

If we asked you where your most treasured memories were made as a child, where would they be? A survey conducted by Boots Opticians has shed some light on what children cherish as their favourite activity to make memories with family, and it’s far more cost-effective than you might expect!

The survey gathered responses from 2,000 parents of children aged between five and 16, and it was found that a massive 46% of children voted for ‘going to the park’ as their top choice of places to make memories with their family. Similarly, 51% of parents also said it was their favourite activity for making memories when they were the same age. Spending time in nature followed as the second most popular, with 35% of children choosing it. Meanwhile, the lowest-scoring activity was watching TV or a box set at 27%.

Making positive memories contributes to enriching the lives and development of children, and it’s not surprising that parks would be on top of the list when they provide an open space to explore freely, and connect with friends.

So, if you’re a parent yourself, let this be a reminder that you don’t have to spend a fortune to create unforgettable memories for your child. Sometimes, the most meaningful experiences can be found through the gates of your local green space.

Writing

| Lauren Bromley-Bird

Does technology have the ability to turn exercise pain into pleasure?

Finding ways to get fit that are fun and effective can be tricky. But could technology be the answer?

Computer scientists from the University of Bath believe they have found a solution to keeping people engaged by creating ‘exergames’ (exercise games). These games use sensors to continuously measure the user’s emotional state while they exercise. The game can then adapt to become easier or harder to keep the user engaged.

The new study had participants take part in a VR static bike race while sensors were used to measure

SUPPORT

their physical reactions and facial expressions across low, medium, and high-intensity exercises. Using these readings, researchers could create an accurate picture of the racers’ emotional state, matching the game difficulty to the physiological changes.

Dr Dominic Potts, lead author of the study into harnessing sensor technology to keep exercisers motivated, said: “When it comes to physical exercise, motivation and adherence are huge problems. With ‘exergaming’, we can address this issue and maximise a person’s

Research highlights the places where Brits are most likely to open up

Opening up and talking about our mental health isn’t always easy, but being in the right environment to do so can ease some of the strain. With that in mind, new research from Samaritans and Three UK has looked at the places where Brits are most likely to open up about their mental health, with some interesting results.

Topping the list is ‘while on a walk’, followed by ‘in the pub’, ‘outside in nature’, ‘during a meal’, and ‘while on a long drive’. That said, 30% of respondents said that they preferred to share their feelings while on the phone to

someone, so that they did not have to see their reaction while they were talking.

Notably, the favoured times to open up involve some kind of activity or distraction – something that can take the pressure off the conversation, and seemingly invites a level of openness that more formal situations don’t always facilitate. However, at the same time, the researchers saw that many people still struggled to express themselves. The survey found that 34% of adults said they did not want to burden others with their problems, and 26% said that

enjoyment and performance by adapting the challenge level to match a user’s abilities and mood.

“Exercise games that are completely adaptive will sense a person’s emotions, and give them more ‘rewards’ when they’re struggling, and more obstacles when they’re ready for a new challenge.”

Researchers hope their new findings will be adopted by game designers to create more immersive exercise games, which can help people keep going long after they would normally.

Writing | Bonnie Evie

Gifford

they feared being judged if they shared their worries.

All that said, 72% of people said that they felt comfortable being on the receiving end of an emotive conversation, showing that, often, the people around us are willing to step in and listen when needed.

Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

Sea turtle nests hit record numbers in Greece, with more than 10,000 nests found this year

The wellbeing wrap

DON’T JUDGE A BOOK BY ITS COVER

Revealing your true colours

15-year-old Heman Bekele, who invented a cancer-fighting soap, has been named TIME’s Kid of the Year 2024

But apparently a lot of us are judging each other by the brand of phone we use. The survey, from All About Cookies, found that of the 1,000 adults asked, 22% of iPhone users look down on those who send ‘noniMessage texts’ (AKA Android users), with 31% of men and 16% of women calling it a ‘dealbreaker’ for potential romantic connections. However, 78% of iPhone users maintained they don’t feel superior. Who knew a message alert could say so much? So, is a green bubble a red flag for you?

Pinball wizard

France is trialling a ban on mobile phones in schools for pupils up to the age of 15

The UK officially closed its last coal-fired power plant, ceasing its production of electricity from fossil fuels

The way we see the world may actually change as we age, a study in Scientific Reports has revealed. Scientists compared how the pupils of young, healthy adults (with an average age of 27.7) and those of healthy, older adults (average age of 64.4) reacted to colour. Tracking pupil diameter, they found that while both groups responded similarly to the ‘lightness’ of a shade, the older people responded less to colour chroma, particularly for green and magenta hues. Effectively, what this means is the world appears less vivid the older we get, with colours becoming more faded, which could explain a preference for brighter shades later in life!

Wild at heart

117 million hectares of land in Europe (roughly 25%) has been identified as suitable for rewilding efforts!

In some nostalgic news, pinball machines might be making a comeback! Mark Squires, a 64-year-old from Cambridgeshire, was nicked-named ‘Dr Pinball’ as a teenager, so it’s no surprise this passion lived on postretirement as he set up a repair space in his garage called the Pinball Surgery in 2016. Since then, he’s repaired more than 500 machines, with the belief the hobby is regaining momentum due to a desire for people to “rediscover their youth”.

INCREDIBLE INNOVATIONS

In a world-first, a study published in Cell revealed a 25-year-old woman with type 1 diabetes who received a stem cell transplant, began producing her own insulin within three months!

AI cameras, that can detect when motorists are texting while driving, have been set up on a road in Somerset, in a bid to reduce serious accidents. The A361 saw nine people die in two years, so the hopes are this measure will encourage safer driving along the stretch.

Cool cats

That’s what they might say, but new research suggests felines might be less aloof than initially thought. A study from Oakland University, in the US, revealed that cats are perhaps more sociable than perceived, showing signs of grief after the death of another pet in the same household, even if that animal is a dog. It seems bonds know no bounds.

Cancer mortality rates for ‘middle aged’ people are at their lowest for 25 years, a study by Cancer Research UK revealed. The study, published in the British Medical Journal, found that the premature cancer death rates for 35 to 69-year-olds dropped by more than a third, and, notably, cervical cancer mortality rates by 54.3%, highlighting how the HPV vaccine and screenings have helped to tackle the disease.

The FDA has approved a new drug to treat schizophrenia for the first time in 30+ years. Cobenfy is a pill to be taken twice a day, which, in clinical trials, helped to manage symptoms ranging from hallucinations and delusions to disorganised thinking.

DOES THIS RING A BELL?

Investigating anecdotal evidence that those with diseases like Alzheimer’s can struggle to recognise others, but often still respond to music, a study in PLOS ONE has further proved that music can provide a ‘cognitive scaffolding’ to help improve learning and memory, even through neurogenerative conditions.

What is

chronophobia?

An extreme fear of the passage of time became a more common experience during the Covid-19 pandemic, but why does it happen and what can we do about it?

Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

Ionce knew someone who, every time they stayed at their in-laws’ house, asked for the grandfather clock outside the guest room to be muted. “I don’t want to lie in bed and listen to the seconds of my life ticking away,” they said. But what may sound like a particularly fussy houseguest, could share aspects with a very real fear experienced by some.

Chronophobia is the fear of the passage of time. But this isn’t about wishing you were doing more with your life or feeling a bit grumpy on your birthday, chronophobia is considered an anxiety disorder that comes with feelings of dread, and depression, and even leads to the development of obsessive behaviours.

For someone who is experiencing chronophobia, time can feel like it’s moving too quickly – though, equally, for others, it feels like it’s moving too slowly. It may be accompanied by

an extreme fear of death or dying (called ‘thanatophobia’), or an overwhelming feeling of having no control over the passage of time. But, as psychotherapist Kaire Davidson sees it, it rarely comes out of nowhere.

“Chronophobia has its roots somewhere in the past; it is not random,” she explains. “Even when we speak about triggers, such as a life-threatening health condition or a loss, we need to understand the bigger context of someone’s life, because not everyone will respond in the same way to these triggers. If I had a client with chronophobia, I would be asking myself: why has this person reacted in this way at this particular moment in time? Even if a client has experienced this for a long time, there will have been a starting point, and that is significant.”

Chronophobia tends to be more common among those who are elderly or ill, people who have

had near-death experiences, or who’ve been through similar traumatic events, along with those serving time in prison. In fact, chronophobia is also known as ‘prison neurosis’ or ‘institutional neurosis’ – a recognised psychiatric disorder which affects people who have spent a long time in prison or a hospital, and can lead to a lack of motivation to cooperate in rehabilitation or recovery.

That said, chronophobia became a more common experience among the general population during the Covid-19 pandemic, with a paper published in the Asian Journal of Psychiatry explaining that this happened due to people feeling forced to ‘live by the clock’. It’s thought that people in their 30s were particularly affected by this – with the hypothesis being that they were losing out on time when they may have usually been getting married, buying a home, >>>

Signs and symptoms of chronophobia

Many of the symptoms of chronophobia are similar to anxiety, but others are unique to this condition. Here are some to watch out for:

• Panic attacks

• A feeling of claustrophobia caused by the immensity of time

• An obsession with holding on to memories

• Procrastination

• Trouble sleeping

• Avoiding milestone events

• Feelings of hopelessness

• Poor planning

• A reluctance or inability to say ‘no’

• Circular thought patterns

• Constantly seeking distractions

• Being unable to concentrate on tasks

• Difficulty making plans for the future

• A sense of impending danger or doom

• A fear of losing loved ones

• Derealisation or feeling detached from your body

Anxiety is always about the future, and it robs us of the ability to live in the present

or planning a family. In many cases, lockdown and restrictions made reaching those key life stages harder – and sometimes impossible – yet time continued on, as it always does.

For others, actually reaching these milestones can be a trigger for chronophobia. Events such as birthdays, anniversaries, graduations, and reaching other personal milestones such as job promotions or having children, can all bring these feelings to the forefront.

“The way I see it, chronophobia is really a state of frequent or near-constant anxiety – and life in near-constant anxiety, as we can imagine, is living hell,” says Kaire, reflecting on the broader impact chronophobia can have on our wellbeing. “Anxiety is always about the future, and it robs us of the ability to live in the present. A person who is always preoccupied with a worry about time (or life) passing, will find it almost impossible to experience joy, stay focused enough to follow things through, or grounded enough to relax on a day-to-day basis. This can affect relationships, career, health, and could lead to depression.”

When it comes to addressing chronophobia, most approaches will look at ways to treat the underlying anxiety.

“In the short-term, practices that are grounding and bodyorientated can be helpful,” Kaire explains. “Start small: you can introduce a five-minute daily practice involving one of the five senses; or mindful breathing; or get involved in tai chi, martial arts, or yoga. These practices help to anchor us into the here and now.”

Some people may benefit from taking anxiety medication, such as selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) or benzodiazepines, alongside talking therapies such as cognitive behavioural therapy – which can help people take control over anxious thoughts and behavioural patterns. Hypnotherapy and support groups are also other options that may support people experiencing this intense fear.

“Longer term, this is a complex and potentially hugely debilitating issue, but I think therapy can help. It can help us understand how we got here and, in a way, demystify how we’re feeling. I believe this is

Kaire Davidson is a yoga teacher and a humanistic and integrative psychotherapist specialising in life transitions and change. Visit Counselling Directory to find out more.

crucial, and can offer hope, as well as an emerging sense of agency,” Kaire continues. “This is a good start, however, it’s not the whole picture. In working with someone who experiences a fear of time passing, I would probably hold in mind themes such as meaning, loss, and perhaps the spiritual self, if a client is that way inclined. For anyone struggling, I’d say, please do seek help – you don’t have to resolve this alone.”

The passing of time is inevitable, but feelings of distress, anxiety, and depression related to this do not have to be. So, if what’s been discussed here is resonating with you, let this be a sign that it’s time to take back control.

Four damaging myths about motherhood

From idealised birth stories to immediate connections, we’re breaking down four misconceptions around motherhood and giving birth, and highlighting not only the reality, but how to forge your own path forwards

Writing | Lydia Smith

When I was pregnant, I signed up for antenatal classes because it seemed like something everyone did. One of these – on Zoom, because of Covid-19 – was about giving birth. “Don’t worry,” the course leader said brightly, to a screen of panicked faces. “Your bodies know exactly what to do.” For me, it turns out, this wasn’t the case. I spent more than 70 hours in labour, before having an emergency caesarean. My baby and I had serious medical complications, but rather than feeling relieved that we were alive, I felt angry. My body didn’t know what to do, so maybe I wasn’t up to the task of being a mother.

“There are so many myths surrounding motherhood,” says

therapist Georgina Sturmer. “The pressure of these myths can take a heavy toll on our mental health. They can lead to negative thoughts and self-criticism, which can make us feel anxious or low.”

There is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way to be a mother, or give birth. So, to dispel that stigma, here we’re shining a spotlight on four myths around motherhood, along with insight into overcoming them.

Myth one: Everyone has a perfect birth and a wonderful experience

Childbirth can be a truly incredible experience, but it can also be deeply traumatic. Many women feel pressured to have a ‘natural’ birth – a vaginal delivery with little medical intervention, and no pharmacological pain relief – to

fit into external perceptions of what an ideal birth should be. On social media, ‘positive birth’ advocates post images of serene birthing people in bathtubs at home, surrounded by candles. There are benefits to such movements, including the aim of helping people to make informed decisions about their birthing journey. But when the focus is so idealistic, the reality can blindside you, with one study, published in the journal Birth, finding that women who had an unplanned C-section were more likely to say they felt disappointed, upset, angry, or like they had failed. No amount of relaxation techniques can overcome the reality that childbirth doesn’t always go to plan. While the National Childbirth Trust states that one in five women would like >>>

There is an expectation that an unconditional maternal love will occur at birth, which isn’t always true

information about giving birth at home, only 1.9% of people in England had a home birth according to the latest data from the Office for National Statistics in 2022 – and whether someone is able to have one will depend on their individual risk factors and local trust’s policies.

Other factors can play into how likely you are to have a positive experience, with a 2022 inquiry by the charity Birthrights investigating systemic racism in UK maternity services finding that urgent action must be taken, with racial and ethnic disparities, along with budget cuts, blighting equality of care.

After all this, there’s no such thing as the perfect birth, only a safe one. So if your experience is more difficult, or not as you originally envisioned, know that it’s nothing to feel ashamed of.

Myth two: All women have a ‘maternal instinct’

As any new parent knows, parenting is a process of trial and error, and you learn on the job. However, it’s often said that women have a ‘maternal instinct’ – an innate knowledge of caregiving behaviours that they can tap into. But this notion stems from prescriptive, damaging gender stereotypes, which state mothers, not fathers, should prioritise child-bearing

and raising a family over all else. This myth is so persistent because, over time, it has been falsely written into scientific theory by those with a vested interest in limiting women’s roles in wider society. Some claim, for example, that only mothers are uniquely attuned to recognising their child’s cries. However, research, such as a paper published in Nature Communications, shows that all caregivers, including fathers, are equally skilled at this.

Hormonal, experiential, and neurobiological processes happen in parenthood, but these aren’t instinctive to women alone.

Significant changes in a mother’s brain during pregnancy and after birth have been confirmed by a recent study published in Nature Neuroscience, but fathers and foster parents also experience hormonal changes during the transition to parenthood. These changes aren’t automatic – they happen in time as we bond with a child. And they can’t be instinctual, because not all women feel the urge to have a baby. This is what makes the maternal instinct myth so damaging. It makes mothers feel inadequate when they believe they’re out of their depth, or afraid to ask for support and advice, as well as sidelining loving fathers as secondary carers. It also underpins discrimination against single-sex couples who want to have

a child, and fuels stigma against women who don’t want, or can’t, have children.

Myth three: Bonding is immediate

While films and TV shows might present the idea that there’s this instant connection when you first meet your child, the truth is that bonding isn’t always automatic, and a multitude of factors can impact your personal experience, including your birth journey, your mental health, and whether you have support. But women who don’t immediately feel that maternal bond and postpartum joy and love, can be made to feel ashamed, or like something is wrong with them due to this myth, when in reality you’ve gone through a lot; it’s OK to still feel broken, in shock, fearful, or even angry.

Alison Bruce, a child and adolescent psychotherapist and spokesperson for the Association of Child Psychotherapists, says mothers are often shocked at the complicated emotions they can experience following giving birth. “These feelings can be exacerbated by the internal pressure a mother may put upon herself regarding how she should feel,” she says. “It is assumed that bonding with one’s baby is a straightforward process. Often there is an expectation that an >>>

Create your own set of expectations about motherhood.

Ask yourself what you think a ‘good mother’ looks like in modern society

unconditional maternal love will occur at birth, which isn’t always true.”

Myth four: Mothers must be perfect at all times

The pressure to be a ‘super mum’ can be suffocating. Trying to meet this lofty ideal – and inevitably, at times, failing – can lead to self-doubt. And focusing so intently on perfectionism can lead to mothers feeling like they’ve lost their own identities in a sea of caregiving responsibilities.

Sometimes, I feel relief when my son is at nursery, because I have time to focus on myself, my career, and other interests, like studying psychology. And for that, I feel guilty. But ultimately, I know that a happier parent is better equipped to care for their child, and so neglecting my own needs does neither of us any good in the long run.

“Create your own set of expectations about motherhood,” says Georgina Sturmer. “Ask yourself what you think a ‘good mother’ looks like in modern society. Use this as a yardstick to measure yourself with – not some idealised version of motherhood.”

How to overcome damaging myths

When it comes to dispelling misconceptions, myths, and stigma around motherhood, the most crucial thing we can do is to create a safe environment that enables and encourages women to speak honestly about their experiences and feelings, without fear of judgement. If your personal journey doesn’t align with the mythical ideals you’ve been told about, and you’re struggling with your mental health, know that you can talk to your midwife or doctor about what you’re going through. They can offer insight and help,

and also refer you for specialist support, such as infant bonding services.

Georgina advises being aware of any triggers that make you doubt yourself, or impact your mood. “Are you falling down a rabbit hole online, looking at forums or social media images about motherhood? If you notice these triggers, then you can protect yourself from feeling worse,” she says. It can be a sign to step away from screens, or actively seek out a broader range of motherhood depictions.

And remember, every parent is different. “Someone who is at peace with their choices to work or to stay at home, to breastfeed or bottle-feed, is someone who will come to parenting in the right way for them and their baby,” says Alison Bruce.

Georgina Sturmer is a counsellor who specialises in supporting women. Check out her profile on the Counselling Directory.

Reminders for tough days

There are only 24 hours in a day – tomorrow is a fresh start.

It’s OK if the main thing you did today was getting through today.

Sometimes you have to let things fall apart, in order for them to fall into place.

When it seems like you’ve taken a big step back in the moment, take time to reflect on how far you’ve actually come.

You don’t always have to look for a silver lining; you’re allowed to feel however you feel.

Pain is a sign that we care, that we love deeply.

When it feels like you’re lost, it could just be a sign that you need to forge your own path.

Even if it feels like you are, you don’t have to go through this alone.

HANDMADE FROM THE HEART

Discover the power of creative gifting, and be inspired to have a go at making something truly meaningful for your nearest and dearest

Writing | Caroline Butterwick

Ispend the afternoon in the kitchen, listening to music while I weigh out raisins, cocoa powder, and golden syrup. I’m making a batch of chocolate tiffin, ready to put into small tubs that I’ll tie with ribbon to give to friends.

Creative gifting is about putting thought, time, and effort into making something special for someone else. Often, it’s as a present for an occasion like Christmas or a birthday, but equally can be nice ‘just because’.

THE WELLBEING BOOST OF CREATIVE GIFTING

“When we give to another, we really are giving to ourselves, and this is particularly so if it is us who is making the gift,” explains psychotherapist Clare Patterson, discussing the wellbeing boost we can get from hand-making. “Doing things for others can bring enormous joy. It reminds us of our shared connection, and in this being something we make ourselves, it is even more personal and meaningful.”

There is also the joy that comes with doing something creative.

“Crafting a gift for someone else is a form of self-expression,” Clare says. “We put a lot of ourselves into something we make – our natural creativity. In offering this to another, we are really showing

them who we are, and when this is received, it can feel wonderful and self-affirming.”

When baking, I find I relax, and can get into a flow state. It’s a pleasant way to spend a couple of hours, and I enjoy being able to do something different. It’s also incredibly satisfying that the tiffin I make is my version of a recipe I’ve adapted over time, so it feels more personal.

RECEIVING A GIFT

Of course, the intention behind creating something special for someone we care about is to show them this, and naturally, we want them to benefit from this, too. “When we receive a handmade present, we are being offered the truest and most sincere form of gift – something pure and unique from the other person,” Clare says. “It is not ‘material’. Its meaning is much deeper than that. While it may have a material use – perhaps it is a hand-painted pot or a hanging basket – what is so special is the source. The person giving this to us is offering us something of themselves – their presence, and their creativity. This is very special and to be treasured.”

Speaking with Clare, I think about one of my friends who loves to cross stitch. When I moved house a few years ago, she gave me and my husband a framed cross stitch of

Milhouse from The Simpsons which included the quote “Everything’s Coming Up Milhouse!” The Simpsons reference genuinely made me laugh, and every time I see the cross stitch on the mantelpiece, I’m reminded that my friend spent time making this for us. She knows we love classic episodes of The Simpsons, so there’s an extra meaning there in that she chose something she knew would make us smile.

CRAFTING A GIFT

Knowing where to start when it comes to crafting a gift can feel a little daunting. Even if you already make gifts for others, you may still find self-doubt creeps in.

“It is very easy, in a materialistic society, to fall into the trap of thinking what matters is our output. What is truly most important in the making of a gift is ourselves. A good friend will appreciate this,” says Clare.

“We all have different talents and skills, and we all have different interests. Some of us are drawn to woodwork, others clay, others needlework, or maybe painting,” adds Clare. “Choose an art that feels enjoyable to you. The best gift you can give is the authenticity you put into creating your craft – the finished object is just the portal for this. It is very important that you choose something that feels right

for you. Create for yourself, and then share this with others. You can’t go wrong with that.”

It’s normal to feel a little unsure about what to make. “What would you like to receive from another person?” asks Clare. “What would you like to make for yourself? Are you interested in food or baking? What about a scrapbook or hand-decorated journal? You will create something beautiful and meaningful when it feels special to you, so take some time to explore what this might look like, and trust yourself.”

When one of my best friends was graduating from university, I made her a zine that had lots of things I knew she’d like, such as in-jokes, recipes, and photos. She’s an artist, and we’d spoken about making

Clare Patterson is an integrative transpersonal psychotherapist and Reiki practitioner. Reach out via the Counselling Directory

When we receive a handmade present, we are being offered the truest and most sincere form of gift – something pure and unique from the other person

zines before, and we also have a similar sense of humour, so I knew it would go down well. Since then, every so often we gift each other things like this – she painted me a canvas with another in-joke that would make sense to no one else, but that I love!

If you’re still feeling stuck, try looking online for craft ideas, and see if there’s one that resonates with you. It can help to practise before making the ‘final’ version that you’ll give to a friend,

especially if it’s something you’ve not done before.

And, of course, it’s OK if you decide creative gifting isn’t for you. For all the times I’ve done creative gifting, there are loved ones who I know would rather I buy them that book from their Christmas list instead of making them a present. And that’s OK. But if you do decide to give creative gifting a try, remember to let yourself enjoy the process of making something and expressing yourself.

The miracle is not to walk on water. The miracle is to walk on the green earth, dwelling deeply in the present moment and feeling truly alive

Thích Nhât Hanh

Photography

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Vlada Karpovich

Life after betrayal

Is it possible to rebuild trust in a relationship?

Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

From soap plots to epic poetry, the experience of betrayal in our romantic relationships often comes shrouded in high drama. But that’s only one side of the story. Below the surface, betrayal, whether it be an affair or another means of breaking trust – such as obscuring financial issues, addiction, details of your history, or even health problems – can have a devastating and long-term

impact on individuals on either side of the rift.

The American Psychological Association reports that 20–40% of divorces are caused by an affair. And while statistics on other types of betrayal are not formally available, lack of communication and emotional distance are often cited as key factors in the lead-up to separation. But does it have to be that way? And can trust ever truly be rebuilt?

Finding a way forward

In answer to the question of whether it’s possible to fully repair trust after a betrayal, couples therapist Shan Merchant has a straightforward answer, with some key caveats. “Yes, trust can be rebuilt after betrayal. However, it’s important to understand that it’s not about restoring the relationship to how it once was,” she says. >>>

“Betrayal changes things. The goal isn’t to go back, it’s to create something new based on real honesty, openness, respect, and a commitment to growth.”

As Shan sees it, trust is something that is earned back slowly over time, following a series of consistent actions. It can’t be won back by apologies alone, but instead, it needs to follow the individual taking full responsibility for their actions, and being willing to sit down and have difficult conversations.

“In my experience, trust is rarely all-or-nothing – it’s a spectrum,” Shan continues. “You might start by trusting your partner only 5% after a betrayal, then it builds to 50%, 70%, and so on. It may never return to 100%, and that’s OK. Instead, it becomes a conscious choice; you choose to trust and

stay in the relationship. You’re saying: ‘I believe in you. I see the effort, and I’m willing to rebuild with you.’”

Common pitfalls

When it comes to taking steps to navigate repairing trust in a relationship, most of us aren’t experts. This means that often we’re guided by the things that we feel in the moment, rather than thinking calmly and rationally about what we really want and need. And that’s where we can sometimes go wrong.

“A common mistake couples make after a betrayal is avoiding therapy, and trying to ‘whiteknuckle it’ on their own,” Shan adds. She points to the example of navigating the aftermath of an affair, explaining that often these things happen when one

partner lacks the tools or skills to communicate their feelings openly and honestly. “Therapy will teach these couples the skills they need to have honest and safe conversations, and to really listen,” she explains. “For couples working through affairs, this can be a delicate, sometimes volatile, and very vulnerable process –and they need a skilled therapist to hold the space for them so they can work through it.

“I also commonly see people holding back and lying to protect their partner, because they are afraid to hurt them. This usually ends up serving as more evidence that they can’t trust you. And another mistake is expecting the hurt partner to ‘get over it’; rushing the process of repair, not realising that their partner is in a different position in the

In my experience, trust is rarely all-or-nothing –it’s a spectrum

The impact of betrayal

At the start of the 21st century, psychologist Jennifer Freyd developed ‘betrayal trauma theory’, which describes the impact following a person’s trust being violated by a person or system that they rely on for survival – most often a parent or carer. In the decade that followed, other psychologists worked on this theory to expand it to include partner betrayal trauma. Betrayal trauma can lead to a number of different things, including:

• ‘Betrayal blindness’. When you ignore the signs of betrayal – either consciously or unconsciously – in order to try to preserve the relationship.

• Trust issues in the current or new relationships.

feelings and validate them.”

A two-sided approach

In order to rebuild trust, there needs to be a willingness and effort from both parties. And Shan has advice for each side:

To the person responsible for the betrayal: “Be patient, listen, take responsibility, say sorry (multiple times) – your hurt partner really needs to hear this. Show that you really care. Tell them: ‘You are important to me. I am committed to our relationship.’ Offer reassurance. Working through an affair is incredibly scary (for both partners) and both of you need lots of reassurance, daily.”

To the person who was betrayed: “Healing takes time, and it’s important to go at your own pace. Don’t rush into forgiveness,

You could struggle to trust a partner, even without evidence of wrongdoing.

• Re-victimisation. A betrayal can sometimes alter your idea of what ‘love’ looks like, which can leave you open to re-victimisation either by a new partner or the same one.

• Low self-esteem. You may start to think that you deserved the betrayal, or that you are unable to have a healthy relationship.

• Other mental health conditions. Betrayal can lead to other problems such as depression, anxiety, and even PTSD.

for you. Look after yourself, get support, speak to trusted friends, and have your own therapy. Ask for what you need from your partner in terms of clarity, space, and reassurance.”

A difficult but important step that Shan suggests is coming to the understanding that both partners played a role in the betrayal. While one partner may have committed the betrayal, there may be contributions on both sides that led to the connection breakdown over time.

“If you really want to build a new relationship after an affair, you both have to be willing, if not determined, to take an honest look at what those contributions were,” she explains. “After having helped many couples regain trust, I can guarantee that a relationship’s breakdown is never one-sided. them.”

Forging a path forward

What is clear to see is that burying your head in the sand following a betrayal can only lead to more hurt, as the fundamental issues that lead to it are left unresolved. The spectrum of betrayal is vast, each example will need a different approach, and sometimes – especially in cases involving any kind of abuse – ending a relationship is the right thing to do. But, for those who wish to – with the right support and approach – trust can be rebuilt, piece by piece.

Shan Merchant is a counsellor specialising in relationships, dating, breakups, and affairs. Learn more on the Counselling Directory

How to tackle runner’s imposter syndrome

When I first started running regularly, it gave me a wonderful sense of achievement. A decade on, I continue pound the streets nearly every day – and I’ve done charity races and half marathons. But, still, I feel like a fraud.

Imposter syndrome is normally something we associate with the working world. It’s the uncomfortable feeling that you’re going to be unmasked as a fake at any minute, despite overwhelming evidence otherwise. It’s how I feel when

Break free from limited beliefs, one step at a time

someone asks what I do in my spare time. Invariably, I say that I like to run – but I’m not a ‘real runner’.

And I’m not alone. Therapist Jodie Marks has completed four marathons and an ultramarathon, along with competing in many fitness events. “However, even with the pretty hardware that hangs from the medal holder in my kitchen, I still struggle with the idea that I’m a ‘runner’,” Jodie explains. “Imposter syndrome occurs when we feel as though we don’t

belong. Runners are prone to this feeling because when we put our trainers on for a shuffle or sprint, we are surrounded by like-minded people,” Jodie continues. “What makes imposter syndrome so prevalent in running is the very thing that makes it so great: the sociability, the visibility, and the shared space with other runners.” So, how can you tackle it?

Face up to runner stereotypes “In the age of social media, where we are bombarded with the perfectly curated reel of a

Writing | Lydia Smith

fitness influencer, we can feel as though we’ve failed before we’ve even started,” says Jodie. “It is an impossible standard to live up to, yet we tell ourselves that what we’re seeing is the norm.”

Stereotypes about what a runner looks like often contribute to imposter syndrome. The way they’re portrayed on TV, in films, or in adverts – with expensive kits and visibly toned bodies – leaves us feeling like we don’t look the part. I’m a healthy size 14, but I often feel like my mid-sized body isn’t considered particularly athletic. Although I know this isn’t true, it’s a difficult feeling to shake off.

To combat this, Jodie advises thinking about your motivation for running. “Is it to be healthier, fitter, stronger, to help with your mental health, to be a positive role model to your children? These will be weapons you use against the imposter when it tells you you’re not good enough.”

Address your core beliefs

Dr Elena Touroni, a psychologist and co-founder of The Chelsea Psychology Clinic, says that underlying psychological factors like a ‘defectiveness schema’ can also contribute to feelings of inadequacy. “This involves a core belief that you are fundamentally flawed or inferior, which can lead to chronic self-doubt. This can fuel imposter syndrome, making you feel like you don’t

deserve to call yourself a runner, despite your dedication or achievements.”

Your past experiences of exercise can exacerbate these feelings, too. Sometimes, I still feel like the awkward teenager who was picked last for sports teams – and I have to remind myself that I’m no longer this person.

Stereotypes about what a runner looks like often contribute to imposter syndrome

Find confidence with a community

One of the most frustrating things about imposter syndrome is that it sucks the joy out of exercising. “It can really affect your confidence,” says Dr Touroni. “You might shy away from joining running groups or participating in events, fearing judgement.”

This mindset can make it difficult to step out of the door and enjoy the many benefits of running. But in reality, there is no one-size-fits-all image of a runner. Whether you do 10 minutes or 10km, your experiences are valid and valuable.

In spite of these feelings, pushing yourself to engage with

supportive running groups or communities, locally or online, can be a game changer. Sharing experiences with others can help you realise that many people feel the same way, and provide encouragement and motivation.

Run your own race

It’s important to focus on your own progress, and celebrate your achievements, no matter how small. “Setting personal goals can help you feel proud of your accomplishments and reinforce that you are, indeed, a runner,” says Dr Touroni. Documenting your runs – making a particular effort to record how you felt before, during, and after – can keep you on course. “This can help you see tangible evidence of your growth as a runner,” says Dr Touroni. Letting go of imposter syndrome is a marathon, not a sprint. So take it one step at a time, the finish line is just around the corner.

Jodie Marks is a psychotherapist and supervisor specialising in trauma, abuse, and workplace stress. Head to the Counselling Directory to get in touch.

MONEY ON YOUR MIND

Emma’s week

Welcome to Money on Your Mind, the series where we explore the reality of money and mental health in the lives of real people. In this edition, Emma reflects on saving for a house, and her relationship with overworking

Writing | Emma Loker as told to Kathryn Wheeler

Monday was my first day back after being on holiday. We’re saving for a house, and that was the last big spend before it’s time to start saving seriously. At the same time, I’m also building a mental health writing agency, and so that’s another reason why there’s this strain on money at the moment –because a lot of the stuff that I’m doing is unpaid. But both of those things are really important to me. When I was younger, my dad was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis and was unable to work, so my mom was the sole earner for a family of five. Things were tight, and our home was a bit dilapidated. Something that soon became important to me was making sure that I had enough money. I worked from when I was 14 – and so, for me to be in a position now where I’m spending time on something that’s not generating money, it’s a bit stressful!

On Tuesday, I was talking to a freelance writer about writing blog content for my website. Obviously, that is an outgoing and, while I was

really happy with it, it felt like I had to choose between investing in my business and having the money. I find myself acting as if there is only so much money in the world, and everyone only gets so much. That kind of comes back to my family and always having to work really hard for money.

I used to work in an autism specialist school. There’s never enough money in those roles – it never reflects your worth. I was a form tutor and I was studying to become a therapist, so I was working part-time and earning £12,500 a year.

It felt like that was as much as I could ever make, because I couldn’t work any harder than I was – I was run off my feet all the time, and so overwhelmed and busy. So when I started writing full-time, it felt too easy. I was making double, but putting in a lot less. I really had to challenge the idea that there’s only so much you can make, and it’s linked to how much effort you put in. This is especially true in any field where you are helping people. You’re working just as hard as, if not

harder than, most people, and so it feels like you should be earning loads of money but you don’t. It shouldn’t be like that.

Wednesday was an interesting day. I had been juggling a lot and I don’t think I realised quite how much until I went for my personal training session. We were doing a really intense HIIT workout and I was finding it difficult. My trainer said: “Are you OK? You look like you’re going to cry.” And I did – I cried. I told her about everything that I was trying to do with the business – how much time, energy, and money was going into it – and how I was so worried that it wasn’t going to succeed. It was a moment of clarity for me, and I realised that I couldn’t keep going as I was. I got home and cancelled an interview I had to become a voluntary board member for a mental health organisation. On Saturday, my fiancé decided to work in the morning to make extra money to put towards the house deposit, so I also wanted to work. But there was a point in the day where I was really annoyed with myself, because he’d been

To find out more about Emma and her mental health writing agency, MindWrite, visit mindwrite.co.uk

at work all morning and earned an hourly wage because he’s on a contract – but I had got wrapped up in business-related stuff, and I’d spent three of those four hours not actually earning. It meant that I then worked later to try to match what he’d put in.

I need to be mindful of that because, last year, I got to a really dark place where I felt like I needed to earn as much money

as possible. It came at the cost of my wellbeing and it’s taken a lot for me to find balance. I think I was almost beyond burnout, I was depressed. My fiancé is my rock, and suggested I dropped something. At the same time, I was studying to become a counsellor, and you’re required to have personal therapy. I got to breaking point and when my therapist and I were chatting

about it, she said: “You just can’t carry on how you are.” I think that combination of two people I trusted saying those things was the wake up call I needed to make a change. On Sunday, I ended the week with my fiancé. While we were brushing our teeth and getting ready for bed, we were talking about money. We spoke about how much extra money we’d earnt that weekend to go towards the house, and how we should write it down to keep track of it. We carried on talking about money right up until we fell asleep. It’s such a big topic at the moment. But when I reflect on the week, I realise that it’s all about balance, and money isn’t everything. Selfcare is so important and, thinking about those times when I’ve worked myself into the ground, it wasn’t worth it. No money in the world would’ve been worth that feeling. I try to be careful now, so I never go back to that place.

The rise of rejection therapy

Can the TikTok trend of putting ourselves in uncomfortable or embarrassing situations, with the intention of getting rejected, help us to overcome social anxiety?

Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford

Therapy and wellbeing trends are hardly new on TikTok. With more than one billion monthly users on the app, #RejectionTherapy has seen more than 63 million views as people are captivated by this latest trend that will leave you both cringing and in awe of someone’s boldness. But what is rejection therapy, how is it supposed to help you, and, crucially, does it really work?

What is rejection therapy? Nobody likes to feel rejected. Whether it’s friends turning you down to go to see the latest blockbuster movie, or a teammate casually tearing down your suggestion in a meeting at work, feeling rejected, well, sucks. At best, it can be embarrassing, and at worst, you can feel like you’ve failed – and everyone knows. So why would people want to put themselves in situations where rejection is almost guaranteed?

Rejection therapy is all about confronting those fears head-on,

by putting yourself in situations where you might be socially rejected. This could include anything from requesting a discount on your train ticket during a morning commute to asking for something that isn’t on the menu at a restaurant. The idea is to embrace discomfort, build confidence, and overcome your fear of rejection by doing little, low-stakes tasks so that when it comes to real, bigger situations, you feel more prepared to tackle any eventuality.

It’s a little bit like exposure therapy – where you’re gradually exposed to things, situations, or activities that you are afraid of, make you anxious, or outright avoid. Exposure therapy can help with phobias, social anxiety, OCD, PTSD, and generalised anxiety. Importantly, it’s a therapeutic technique used by experienced, qualified counsellors and therapists in a safe, trusting environment, filled with support.

Rejection therapy, on the other hand, is based on self-help rather

than psychology. Originally created by entrepreneur Jason Comely to encourage people to put themselves in situations where rejection could help them to be more confident and courageous in the future, the idea is that fear of rejection guides us more than what we actually want to do or achieve.

While putting ourselves in situations that can help us to feel more confident and comfortable, and enable us to grow, is admirable. But, unlike a more researched and guided method like exposure therapy, rejection therapy happens without oversight, support, or guidance that working with a professional therapist provides. Therefore it’s important to recognise where you are on the scale of social anxiety – if it’s affecting your day-to-day life, guiding your decisions, or holding you back, it could be a sign to seek professional support in order to learn healthy coping techniques, and understand the underlying causes in a safe space, rather than going it alone.

The idea is that fear of rejection guides us more than what we actually want to do or achieve

What’s the purpose of rejection therapy?

Rejection therapy is essentially designed to help remind us that, while rejection is scary, it’s also a part of life. We can’t avoid rejection forever – but we can learn to feel more comfortable with ourselves and our reactions to rejection. By allowing ourselves to experience rejection in small, manageable ways, we can become desensitised to it, essentially building up our emotional resilience and helping ourselves to feel more comfortable, confident, and in control. While many people report that rejection therapy has helped them to change their mindsets, overcome social anxiety, and build their confidence, it’s important to remember to take things slowly and carefully.

>>>

#rejectiontherapy

#rejectiontherapy

A more traditional approach similar to exposure therapy, cognitive behavioural therapy, or talking therapies can provide you with a safe space to open up about your experiences and feelings, while also ensuring you take things at a reasonable pace – and understand the root cause. Without guidance and support, you may feel more overwhelmed, or put yourself in situations that you aren’t quite ready to try yet, and may end up unsure of where to turn if you do need to talk to someone about how it makes you feel.

Does rejection therapy work?

If you start scrolling through #RejectionTherapy on TikTok, you’ll find no end of posts from people claiming rejection therapy has changed their lives for the better. For some people, this may be completely true! But it’s important to remember that rejection therapy isn’t an evidence-based, professionally-supported method of treating social anxiety. It might help you – but without oversight and support, you risk feeling more anxious.

Rejection is part of life. It’s unavoidable and inevitable, no matter what we do or how hard we try. When we become so caught up in our fear of rejection that we start to avoid putting ourselves

We can’t avoid rejection forever – but we can learn to feel more comfortable with ourselves and our reactions to rejection

in situations where it might happen, it can be a sign that we need help and support. Fear of rejection shouldn’t hold you back from considering career moves, making new friends, taking up new hobbies, looking for love, or any number of other experiences. If low-level worries are holding you back, trying out rejection therapy could be a way to help you learn how to manage your reactions to rejection. The more you hear ‘no’ without anything terrible happening, the less scary it will start to seem, helping you to build up your resilience and, over time, start taking bigger risks that may have scared you before.

How to try rejection therapy

There are a few things to keep in mind if you’re considering giving rejection therapy a try. It’s important to:

• Start out small. Don’t pick something too big or overwhelming to begin with.

• Be respectful of other people’s boundaries. It’s one thing to challenge yourself to try to get outside of your comfort zone and experience low-level rejection, but it’s something completely different to repeatedly bother, inconvenience, or make other people uncomfortable.

• Take time to reflect. Think through your experience, make notes about how you are feeling, and let yourself process the experience before you try to move on.

• Take things slow – and know when to stop. There’s no rush to up the ante with bigger and bigger challenges. Take things at your own pace, and listen to your mind and body’s reactions. If things are making you feel more anxious, uncomfortable, or uncertain, it’s OK to stop! You haven’t failed if you don’t continue with this technique. Learning to listen to yourself and your needs is far more important than an internet challenge.

So, is rejection therapy worth trying? Only you can decide what’s right for you. Trying out a TikTok trend is never going to be a replacement for actual therapy, but for some people, it can still have valuable benefits. If you’re in a vulnerable place, experiencing rejection over and over again may not be the best idea, but if you’re in a good place mentally and are looking for a way to build your confidence, it might be something to consider trying. Just remember to be kind and look after yourself – and whether you reject the idea, is up to you.

Investigating the evidence behind this powerful wellbeing tool, and how we can make the art of appreciation feel like second nature

Writing | Fiona Fletcher Reid

With thousands of self-help hacks at our fingertips, it’s easy to dismiss gratitude as another flimsy trend rooted in toxic positivity. However, research continues to challenge this scepticism, revealing measurable benefits as a result of practising gratitude regularly.

What makes gratitude so special, is that it’s a simple and widely accessible tool with realworld mental health benefits. From improving sleep quality to enhancing decision-making abilities, the impact of showing some appreciation is worth a closer look.

WHAT IS GRATITUDE?

Gratitude is the practice of consciously appreciating positive aspects of life. In therapy, gratitude exercises might include

keeping a daily gratitude journal, writing gratitude letters, or mentally noticing the good things in life. The aim is to rewire your brain’s tendency towards negative bias, leading to increased resilience and emotional regulation.

And it’s not just a nice idea, but a genuinely effective tool with scientific evidence to back it up. Here are just five of the many proven benefits:

IMPROVES SLEEP

We know that sleep disturbances are a major factor in overall health and wellbeing, but did you know gratitude can give you a better night’s sleep? Researchers at the University of Manchester, whose study was published in the Journal of Psychosomatic Research, found that listing three things you’re grateful for, just before

bed, can increase how much sleep you get, and make you feel more refreshed when you wake up. This is because pre-sleep cognitions (the thoughts you have before bed) are known to impact sleep quality.

BOOSTS SELF-ESTEEM

While gratitude can be used to bring a sense of perspective to external issues, it can also improve your perception of self. In the Journal of Applied Sport Psychology, research showed that athletes with higher levels of gratitude increased their selfesteem over time.

Counsellor Abigail Holman echoes this statement, and has seen it work successfully in therapeutic settings. “Gratitude can shift the focus from perceived shortcomings to what we appreciate about ourselves >>>

and our lives. For instance, if a client feels inadequate at work, we might focus on what they’ve accomplished, no matter how small, such as completing a difficult task or receiving positive feedback. Recognising and celebrating these small victories can gradually improve their sense of self-worth, and help counteract feelings of inadequacy.”

IMPROVES RESILIENCE

Everyone has negative life experiences at some time or another. However, according to a 2017 study in Psychological Trauma: Theory, Research, Practice, and Policy, gratitude can promote positive outcomes after a traumatic experience. This helps people cope with the adverse effects of the event.

Abigail says this mental shift is linked to the brain’s reticular activating system (RAS), which acts as a filter to decide what information is important.

“For instance, if you start thinking about a particular car model, you’ll suddenly notice that car everywhere,” Abigail says.

“When we practise gratitude, we essentially train our RAS to notice the positive aspects of our lives. This doesn’t mean ignoring challenges or pretending everything is perfect. Rather, it’s about balancing our perspective. By regularly focusing on what we’re grateful for, we shift our mental filter towards positivity, which can help build resilience, and reduce symptoms of anxiety and depression.”

The aim is to rewire your brain's tendency towards negative bias, leading to increased resilience and emotional regulation

Reticular activating system (RAS) is a network of neurons in the brain that filters information, and determines what we focus on. In the context of gratitude, practising appreciation helps the RAS to notice more positive aspects of life. As you consistently express gratitude, your brain becomes primed to recognise and prioritise positive experiences.

STRENGTHENS RELATIONSHIPS

Gratitude is so potent that it can have a ripple effect on your relationships, too. One study, published in the research journal Emotion, looked at romantic couples, and found that when a partner expressed gratitude, the person on the receiving end experienced improved relationship quality over time. “Expressing gratitude towards a partner, friend, or family member can deepen bonds, increase trust, and enhance communication,” explains Abigail. “In therapy, I encourage clients to practise simple yet meaningful acts of gratitude, such as regularly thanking loved ones or acknowledging their efforts. This approach not only fosters stronger connections, but also helps resolve conflicts more effectively by focusing on the positives within the relationship.”

ENHANCES DECISIONMAKING ABILITIES

A team of researchers at the Northeastern University College of Science, in Boston, looked into how gratitude affects financial decision-making, specifically around patience and delayed gratification. They asked people to think about thankful, happy, or neutral memories. Then, everyone chose between getting a small reward now, or a bigger one later. The results showed that people who felt grateful were far more patient than those in the other groups. They were willing to wait

GRATITUDE TIPS FROM COUNSELLOR ABIGAIL HOLMAN

• Integrate gratitude into daily routines. “I recommend starting and ending the day with a moment of gratitude – considering what you’re looking forward to in the morning, and reflecting on what went well in the evening.”

• Gratitude anchoring. “This is where you pair gratitude with an existing routine. For example, each time you have your morning tea or brush your teeth, you take a moment to reflect on something you’re grateful for. Over time, this association makes gratitude an automatic part of your day, gradually contributing to a more positive outlook.”

• Write a gratitude letter to someone who has positively affected your life. “The act of expressing appreciation, even if the letter isn’t sent, can be incredibly therapeutic and helps strengthen relationships.”

longer for bigger rewards. The more grateful they felt, the more patient they were. Importantly, general positive emotions didn’t have the same effect, which suggests gratitude is uniquely positioned to enhance self-control and reduce impatience.

HOW TO WORK WITH GRATITUDE

Even with all the evidence pointing to the life-changing benefits of gratitude, it’s normal to find the practical implementation challenging. “One common obstacle is that gratitude has often been seen as somewhat ‘fluffy’ or superficial,” says Abigail, “which can make it difficult for some clients to take the practice seriously, especially during tough times.”

If you’ve tried and failed at practising gratitude in the past, or it felt forced and inauthentic, Abigail suggests starting with very small, genuine expressions

Abigail Holman is a counsellor, coach, and trainer. Discover more information on the Counselling Directory

of gratitude, such as a kind gesture or a simple pleasure.

“By focusing on what feels natural and meaningful, clients are more likely to embrace the practice. I also suggest setting gentle reminders, such as phone alerts or sticky notes, to help make gratitude a consistent part of their routine. Over time, as the RAS becomes more attuned to positive aspects of life, gratitude can become second nature, making it easier to sustain this practice and its benefits long-term.”

Fiona Fletcher Reid is a freelance writer and author, whose book, ‘Work It Out’ is available now (Welbeck Balance, £9.99). Visit fionalikestoblog.com for more.

Gluten-free Christmas cake loaf

Indulge in the festive spirit with this delicious delicious yuletide treat – rich in flavour and naturally gluten-free

Writing | Cristina Troccoli Williams

As the festive season approaches, many of us are on the lookout for delicious treats that not only capture the essence of the holiday spirit, but also cater to our dietary needs. This delicious, gluten-free Christmas cake is

Christmas delight cake loaf

Serves 6

Ingredients

• 1 cup rice flour

• 1/2 cup chestnut flour

• 1 tsp baking powder (gluten-free)

• 1/2 tsp baking soda

• 1 tsp ground cinnamon

• A pinch of salt

• 2 large eggs

• 3/4 cup plant milk (almond, oat, or soy)

perfectly spiced and beautifully adorned. Even if you aren’t gluten-sensitive, you’ll love the moist texture and rich festive flavours of cinnamon, dark chocolate, nuts, and fruits, that come together harmoniously in this recipe.

• 1 tsp vanilla essence

• 1/4 cup melted ghee or coconut oil for the vegan option (use only 2 tbsp if adding yoghurt)

• Optional: add 1/4 cup yoghurt (plant-based or regular)

• 2 tbsp maple syrup or honey (for vegans, use maple syrup or agave syrup)

• 2 apples (peeled, cored, and grated)

• 1/3 cup pecans (roughly chopped)

• 1/3 cup almonds (roughly chopped)

• 1/4 cup raisins or dry blueberries

• 1/4 cup dark chocolate chips (check for vegan-friendly options)

• Optional: shredded coconut and red currants (for decoration)

For the vegan version, replace eggs with either:

• 2 tbsp ground flaxseed + 6 tbsp water OR

• 2 tbsp chia seeds + 6 tbsp water

Method

1. Preheat your oven to 350°F (175°C). Grease and line a loaf tin with parchment paper.

2. To prepare the vegan version, mix either 2 tbsp ground flaxseed or chia seeds with 6 tbsp water in a small bowl. Stir and let it sit for 5–10 minutes until it thickens. Set aside.

3. Mix the dry ingredients in a large bowl, and whisk together the rice flour, chestnut flour, baking powder, baking soda, cinnamon, and a pinch of salt.

4. Prepare the wet ingredients in a separate bowl, and whisk the eggs (or the pre-prepared flax/ chia eggs for the vegan version). Then mix in the vegetable milk, vanilla essence, melted ghee or coconut oil (and yoghurt, if using). Add honey, or for vegans maple or agave syrup.

5. Gradually add the wet mixture to the dry ingredients, stirring until just combined.

6. Gently fold in the grated apples, chopped pecans, almonds, raisins or dry blueberries, and dark chocolate chips.

7. Pour the batter into the prepared loaf tin and smooth the top. Bake for 40–50

minutes, or until a toothpick, inserted into the centre, comes out clean.

8. Allow the loaf to cool in the tin for 10 minutes, then transfer it to a wire rack to cool completely.

9. Once the loaf has cooled, sprinkle the top with shredded coconut to resemble snow. Arrange fresh red currants on top for a beautiful, festive look.

The healthy bit

Rice and chestnut flours are a safe choice for those with celiac disease or gluten sensitivity, providing antioxidants and essential nutrients. Using naturally gluten-free flour means the cake retains more essential nutrients, such as antioxidants, vitamins, and minerals, whose fibre content helps to promote digestive health, and regulate blood sugar levels.

Rice flour is a good source of magnesium and B vitamins, especially thiamine and niacin, which are important for healthy metabolism, nervous system, and energy production. Chestnut flour is grain-free, so a better option for people who experience inflammation caused by grains, and contains ellagic acid, an inflammation-fighting compound. Being high in complex

carbohydrates provides a slowrelease energy source that can help stabilise blood sugar levels. Plus cinnamon helps to improve insulin sensitivity.

Pecans and almonds are antiinflammatory, and rich in hearthealthy fats, fibre, and protein to provide sustained energy. They are high in monounsaturated fats, which are great for healthy cholesterol levels, and are rich in antioxidants and nutrients like vitamin E and zinc, that are important for immune function, skin health, and magnesium for nerve and muscle function.

Saturated fats like coconut oil or ghee are perfect for baking, because they don’t oxidise at high temperatures, avoiding the formation of harmful free radicals.

The cake’s natural sweetness comes from fruits like apples, raisins or dry blueberries, which are rich in antioxidants like polyphenols that promote a healthy gut microbiota to support bacterial diversity.

Dark chocolate is mood-boosting, and packed with immune-boosting antioxidants, which contributes to making this cake not only a delight to eat, but also a nourishing option for the festive season.

Cristina Troccoli Williams is a nutritional therapist interested in gut health, gut microbiota, and immunity. Find out more on Nutritionist Resource

Ask the experts

How can Reiki help me manage stress?

QReiki master Pippa Moye explores the benefits of Reiki in helping to reduce stress

Read more about Pippa on the Therapy Directory.

What is Reiki healing and how does it work?

AReiki means ‘universal life force energy’. We are made of this energy, it is all around us. In Reiki healing, we are adjusting this energy to remove blockages, improve flow, and restore balance, boosting

QHow can stress impact our energy?

AStress depletes our energy. This is very noticeable when a person attends a Reiki session; their energy will feel flat, sluggish, and possibly cold. Stress also creates blockages in the aura, chakras, mind, and body. The cause of stress will

depleted areas and calming overactive ones.

The energy is guided by the pure intention to create change for the highest and greatest good. This intention comes from the heart, and is guided by the mind. Hands can be placed on, or near, the area to be healed to manipulate the energy. However, Reiki also

works via meditation, and is highly effective at long distance, so it is not necessarily hands-on.

It’s believed that Reiki healing can be used to restore health, but it can also be used to cleanse a room, or send positive energy to an upcoming event. By removing blocked or negative energy, Reiki is both uplifting and calming.

determine where the blockage appears, e.g. money worries tend to show up in the base chakra, which governs physical security.

The aura should form a strong protective field, but it’s believed this can become weak or damaged due to physical illness or mental struggles. Holes in the aura can be detected, as well as shadowy energy attached

to it caused by fear, hatred, or traumatic experiences.

Signs that your energy is being affected by stress could be that you get unexplained aches and pains, your mind is hyperactive or foggy, and everything feels like much harder work than it should do. You may feel emotionally low or physically exhausted for no apparent reason.

QWhat can I expect in a Reiki session for stress relief?

AFirst, the practitioner should ask you about the causes of stress, and what you need from the session. This will give them an idea about what they are looking for in your body and energy system, and how best to look after you. They may need to ground you at the start of the session to calm your nerves, and prepare you to

receive the healing energy. They may also get you to take some deep breaths to relax. They should notice if you are holding tension in your body, and encourage you to ease those muscles. The healing session itself should be very relaxing. A strong dose of Reiki can make you fall asleep in a few minutes. Upon waking, you may feel as though you’ve been asleep for hours. After taking a few minutes to become fully present, you should feel lighter, clearer, and calmer, yet energised.

Pippa’s top tips for managing stress day-to-day

• List everything you have to do and sort out the absolutely essential from the nice-tohaves – the Covey Quadrant is a great tool to help with this! Focus on the essentials and get to the rest later.

• Avoid anything that starts with ‘I should’. This usually arises from guilt or obligations and is not aligned with what you really want. When you acknowledge your true wants, needs, and values, a lot of anxiety will melt away.

• Don’t ignore your body. It’s easily done under stress, but everything feels worse when you’re tired, hungry, and dehydrated. Drink water, get some fresh air, and make time to eat and rest properly.

• Think about what depletes you or energises you. Reduce your exposure to people and situations that are draining (including media exposure). Make more time for people, places and activities that you enjoy.

How understanding ‘ennui’ could revitalise your life

Is it boredom or is it ennui? Why knowing the difference could help bring back your sparkle

Writing | Kerry Law

During the colder, darker months, outside of the ‘fresh start’ calendar bumps of September and January, a certain feeling of worldweariness and tedium may set in. Say hello to ‘ennui’. This French word (pronounced ‘on-wee’) may sound flamboyant, but it’s used to describe a very particular existential feeling that is anything but. “Ennui differs from boredom, because boredom is a transient thing that ebbs and flows depending on the situation and the people you’re surrounded by,” explains Dr Marianne Trent, clinical psychologist and host of ‘The Aspiring Psychologist’ podcast. “It also differs from a mental health condition such as depression, which would usually have an intense pain element, along with hopelessness, and a feeling that life is pointless. With ennui, life just doesn’t feel vibrant, it’s like the gloss has been taken off.”

This feeling can rear its head at any time, either attaching itself to our job or a relationship, but it can often pervade our whole lives, leaving us feeling unstimulated and unsatisfied with the people, places, and activities that we used to enjoy.

When are we vulnerable to a bout of ennui?

Dr Ann Kirkman, senior lecturer in psychology at the University of Derby, reminds us that a lack of novelty and challenge can breed ennui. “At home, our daily lives can easily become monotonous, predictable, and routine. We get into the habit of doing the same things every day with no thought beyond what is necessary. At work, there may be a lack of growth opportunities and challenges, which can make it feel like an endless, uninspiring cycle. Work ennui frequently comes from a sense of unfulfillment, or disconnection from the goal.”

In relationships, Dr Trent explains: “You might experience ennui when you’ve become stuck in a relationship or a family situation when you, otherwise, might have chosen to move on. When we feel trapped by certain circumstances and are yearning for something more or different, we may naturally adjust by turning down our vibrancy.” And that’s ennui.

It can feel frustrating, but is a period of ennui ever a good thing? According to the experts, it could be transformative.

“If we’re connected and curious about these thoughts and feelings, it can be a catalyst for change,” assures Dr Trent. “I know that change can feel triggering, challenging, and uncomfortable, but ennui might be present because whatever we have in our lives is no longer true to our values, or no longer bringing us the joy it did previously. So, ennui might actually be a helpful way

of telling us that there’s another more fulfilling or meaningful path out there.”

How to overcome ennui

Recognising that your state of listlessness and discontentment is, in fact, ennui can be eye-opening, but what now? By its very nature, it instils in us a ‘can’t-be-botheredness’ that makes it hard to shift your ennui energy to one of vitality again. Dr Trent explains that there are no quick fixes, but a period of introspection can help you get to the root causes of your ennui.

“Tune-in to what might be missing. Think to yourself: ‘If I were to start again, what would resonate with me? What excites, delights, and motivates me? What are my current goals compared to my previous goals?’” she suggests. “In life, our priorities and dependencies can change over time, which means that we change over time. We need to regularly check in with ourselves to see if we’re currently being true to our values, and living this vibrant life we deserve to live.” >>>

This takes time, and doesn’t necessarily require drastic moves such as ending relationships, quitting your job, and moving house – essentially burning your life to the ground to start again from scratch. “It takes time to overcome, and shouldn’t be done on a whim,” adds Dr Trent, explaining that any conclusions, which are likely to involve other people, should be approached respectfully and compassionately, while remembering that you deserve to thrive.

Steps to revitalise your life

The good news is that once you have addressed the causes of your ennui, there are practical steps you can take to bring the spark back into your life.

Talk to loved ones

“Having conversations with those closest to you might help break the cycle of dissatisfaction by providing emotional support and fresh viewpoints,” says Dr Kirkman.

Learn new things

Starting a random hobby or learning something new can “break the monotony and re-energise the mind, while changing your routine brings back novelty and variety,” Dr Kirkman says.

Reconnect with old friends

Dr Trent recommends spending time with people who previously brought joy and fun into your life, but whom you may have lost touch with. Being with old friends and acquaintances can remind us of what matters in our lives, what excites and enlivens us.

Set yourself goals

Both experts agree that goalsetting in any area of life, whether big or small, is a useful exercise. Dr Kirkman says: “Finding significance in our work, and creating personal goals, can cultivate purpose, which gives us direction and fulfilment.”

Maintain a healthy lifestyle

It’s hard to shake off ennui if we’re not keeping our mind and body in good health. In the short term, Dr Kirkman recommends exercise “because it releases endorphins, which elevate mood and increase energy. Also, activities like stretching and deep breathing can have a big impact.”

Dr Trent agrees, adding: “Just like any life advice, moving on

from ennui involves a multifaceted, holistic approach. Make sure you’re eating well, sleeping well, moving your body, and surrounding yourself with people who are good people.” Even with all this, ennui won’t evaporate overnight. But recognising and understanding why you might have lost your spark, can set you on a path of introspection to reignite it.

Take 5

Focus on the present and be in the moment as you explore these mathematical puzzles – the wellbeing fun soon adds up!

Kakuros

Complete the grids so that the numbers in each row and column add up to the values at the edge. You can use the digits one to nine, but remember that each one can only be used once in each sum. Watch out – these can be tricky!

When the sun rises, it rises for everyone

Cuban proverb

Photography | Andreas Rasmussen

8 effective techniques to stop shame from spiralling

When one negative moment or event threatens to escalate in your mind into a disaster of untold proportions, turn to these tools and ideas to help regain perspective

NOTICE YOUR TRIGGERS.

Recognising and understanding what sets shame into motion can help you to prepare, and question the thoughts as they arise –knowing it’s not always coming from a place of reason.

BE PRESENT AND PRACTICE MINDFULNESS.

If you try to stay in the present, it can help you to not get carried away with ‘what ifs’ and catastrophising.

GET CURIOUS ABOUT THE SHAME.

What might it be trying to tell you? Not allowing it to be this scary thing you hide from can allow you to face it head-on, before it grows, enabling you to view it from a more neutral perspective.

THOUGHTS ARE NOT FACTS.

Try visualising the thoughts as clouds passing overhead; you don’t have to hold on to them, you can recognise they are there, but they will pass.

SHOW YOURSELF SOME KINDNESS.

Shame often manifests as selfcriticism, and negative self-talk, which feeds into the spiral. Counter this by reminding yourself of positive things you’ve done, and qualities you have. Practise self-care, in whatever form suits you; that act of kindness can remind you that you’re deserving of it.

CREATE A POSITIVE AFFIRMATION.

This is a statement that you can repeat to yourself when you notice your negative self-talk is taking over. Craft it as something personal (I am or my), keep it present tense so it’s actionable, along with being concise.

TALK IT OUT.

As with many feelings, finding someone you trust to voice them aloud can help to work through them – even hearing the thoughts might help you to recognise they’re not true, or an exaggeration.

Signs you’re in a shame spiral

• Blaming yourself (even when you’re not responsible).

• Displaying self-destructive behaviour.

• Isolating yourself from others and feeling alone.

• Low self-worth, a sense of humiliation, and that you deserve to feel this way.

• Ruminating on past mistakes, problems, or times your trust has been broken.

JOURNAL ABOUT IT.

If you don’t feel comfortable approaching someone else, you could try journaling, as putting those thoughts on the page can help you make sense of them, and seeing them written down might allow you to recognise where you’re being too harsh on yourself.

6 ways to make new friends as an introvert

From facing your fears, to being a bit more tactical with your approach, we’re rounding up tips for making fresh connections

Writing | Elizabeth Bennett Illustrating | Rosan Magar

Making new friends as an adult can be daunting at the best of times, but it’s especially true if you tend to be introverted. For introverts, socialising can often be energysapping, and you may need added time to rest and recuperate before you can enjoy it once again. Subsequently, introverts can sometimes take a little longer to make friends and find the process more difficult. However, this doesn’t have to be the case. The key is to understand what you need when it comes to friendship, and approach this at a comfortable pace. Plus, it’s important to notice the people who radiate good energy rather than drain it – consciously choosing to spend time around them, rather than those who leave you running on empty. Ready to get started?

NAME YOUR FEARS

If you define yourself as introverted, chances are, making new friends won’t be something

that comes to you naturally. When things are outside of our comfort zone, we tend to have fears around them. Becoming aware of these fears is crucial to moving past them.

“You might have some in-built beliefs holding you back from finding new friends,” life coach Helen Jane Campbell says. The next step is confronting these fears head-on. “Writing them down or articulating these can help you notice what’s getting in the way,” Helen explains. Once you have accepted these fears or beliefs, you can start to change the narrative. “Ask yourself: ‘What if the opposite was true?’ and see what comes up,” she adds.

NOTICE WHAT YOU DO HAVE THE ENERGY FOR

When you have introverted tendencies, some social situations can be very draining, and you might need lots of downtime in between them. This can be tricky when you are trying to put in lots of effort to

forge new friendships. However, it’s important to remember that socialising doesn’t always have to look the way you think it does.

“Decide what works for you, not someone else’s definition,” Helen suggests. “If you find parties draining or overwhelming, but you love reading, maybe joining a book group is a more comfortable way to form friendships.”

MAKE TIME FOR REST

Rest is an introvert’s superpower, and making sure you get enough downtime is key in ensuring you have the energy to survive and thrive when embarking on any social plans.

“Anticipate the sort of rest you might need after socialising, and plan that in,” Helen says. Schedule it in your diary and actually stick to it. Remember that rest looks different for each of us and doesn’t just mean physically resting. “It might be exercise, a solo hobby, or an early night,” Helen says. It’s really about identifying and utilising what refills your energy cup.

DO PUSH YOURSELF OUT OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE

Whether you’re an introvert or not, building new friendships always takes getting outside your comfort zone. Helen describes this as your “stretch zone”. Think about how you can push yourself without taking it too far. This can be with the connections you make, and also the activities you embark upon. “Perhaps you’ve always wanted to join a choir, but never got around to it, this could be a great chance to make friends while fulfilling a dream, too,” Helen says.

HAVE A THINK ABOUT WHO’S ALREADY IN YOUR ‘SQUAD’

Often, when we feel like we want to make new friends, it’s not because we don’t have any,

It’s a good idea to see where the gaps in your friendship circle are

but because circumstances have changed meaning those friends are no longer accessible. For example, when you move to a new city or find your go-to friends have left yours. When people’s priorities change, when they embark on a new career or start a family, it’s normal to feel the gaps widen. It’s therefore a good idea to see where the gaps in your friendship circle are. “Perhaps you have people you can go to the cinema with, but nobody who really wants to join you on a hike,” Helen says. This can then help you find friends in a more intentional way. “In this case, you could then focus your search on finding someone who also loves to hike. Whether that’s by joining a Meetup group, or looking for a local walking festival perhaps,” she adds.

Helen Jane Campbell is a coach for creative people. Visit the Life Coach Directory for more information.

ASK FOR WHAT YOU NEED

When you meet new people that you gel well with, be proactive in pursuing the friendship, even if it makes you feel a little vulnerable at the time. You can’t just leave things to chance, as it’s likely the other person is probably just as nervous as you are. “For example, perhaps you attend a regular yoga class and could suggest a coffee afterwards. You might want to try something like: ‘I’m going for a coffee now, would anyone like to join me?’ and see where that takes you,” Helen says.

Happiful creations

Want a bit more Happiful?

Beyond our award-winning monthly magazine, our shop hosts a range of creative items, designed to inspire, engage, entertain, and empower you, including:

Anti-anxiety guided journal

Self-reflection guide

Reflect & flourish: affirmation cards

Winds of change: 3-piece artwork collection

Question of thought: puzzle booklet

DIY self-care booklet

From our print journals helping you gain a deeper understanding of your true self, to our digital downloads featuring uplifting sentiments and actionable advice, continue your wellbeing journey with us.

What’s everyone raging about?

Feeling furious? Have you tried rage journaling?

Discover how this therapeutic tool can help you unleash your inner angst in a healthy, and productive, way

Writing | Kai Conibear

Many of us have tried journaling, especially to help our anxiety, or to practise gratitude. There are, however, other styles that can be just as cathartic but are less discussed. Enter: rage journaling. “Journaling is known to be incredibly cathartic, and can break the cycle of rumination that many of us tend to have when experiencing anxiety,” therapist Victoria Jeffries explains. “Instead of being stuck in a cycle of thoughts and worries, journaling allows you to take a step back, see the situation from a new perspective, and possibly consider what you could learn from that experience. This often leads to finding solutions to a problem

you previously felt you couldn’t get away from.”

The effectiveness of journaling as a complementary mental health tool is well-noted, with numerous studies backing this up, including a 2022 paper published in Family Medicine and Community Health. However, how we harness this best can be up to individual preference. So, if the concept hasn’t quite appealed to you before, you may be inclined to give rage journaling a try, and see how harnessing the power of venting can help you find emotional harmony.

What is rage journaling?

The point of rage journaling is to express and explore emotions

freely, without judgement, so you can deal with frustrating situations in a healthy way rather than feeling like you have to bottle it up, or deny those feelings. We’ve all experienced situations in our personal or professional lives which have made us want to scream, and rant and rave. We might be holding on to an event that happened years ago, which still makes us feel angry. Or there’s that person who always manages to push our buttons. We might even feel anger and rage at the state of the world, which can lead us to feel helpless and incapable of creating change, given so many things feel beyond our control. Rage journaling allows us to let it all out, but with pen and paper, >>>

or on our phone or computer screen. Releasing internalised anger by expressing our thoughts and feelings through journaling helps us stay emotionally healthy rather than those feelings consuming and controlling us.

What are the benefits?

A fresh perspective

Rage journaling allows us to see situations from another perspective. Reading back what we’ve written with a clearer head, helps us to learn about our own behaviour, along with our reactions to others. It encourages us to see how we could have dealt with a situation in a more productive way, and how we can manage and express our emotions in the future.

Victoria has observed these very benefits in clients who’ve explored rage journaling as a therapeutic tool. “Quite often, I’ve been told by clients that when they read their journal, they can notice patterns and themes in their own behaviour. For example, it may be apparent that you are releasing more negative (or positive) thoughts and emotions on a particular day, or after a certain event. This may seem glaringly obvious but, as a therapist, I know that quite often triggers, and causes of difficult feelings, can be hard to identify when we are ‘in it’. It is when we stand back that we can look at our experiences and feelings through fresh eyes, and gain a new understanding of ourselves.”

Emotional intelligence

This ability to see other perspectives can help to shed light on why a situation made us feel anger and frustration. It can also help us see why someone may have reacted to us in a certain way, and how they may have been feeling. For instance, we may know an individual we argued with received bad news that day, and recognise that this may have put them in a more emotionally volatile or sensitive place. Understanding both our emotional states helps us navigate confrontations and difficult situations from a more respectful and empathetic place.

Increased resilience

By writing down what we see as ‘negative situations’, we can learn how to keep ourselves emotionally

Victoria Jeffries is a psychotherapeutic counsellor with a Master of Science in Therapeutic Counselling. Get in touch via the Counselling Directory.

safe in similar scenarios. An experience which could have floored us, or made us feel angry and resentful, can become, through journaling, one that helps us problem-solve. When we see the array of thoughts and feelings that have been whirring around our heads written on the page, it can be easier to make sense of them. We can see threads connecting things, overall problems, and, hopefully, a way to manage them when it doesn’t feel like an insurmountable mess.

Acceptance of anger

So many of us are conditioned to believe anger is a shameful or negative emotion, and that we must ignore or hide from it. But keeping our anger and upset bottled up is unhealthy –these feelings are trying to tell us something, and shouldn’t be ignored. The result can often be that emotions can bubble over, and we find ourselves expressing them in the wrong place, at the wrong time, or to someone who doesn’t deserve that reaction. Bottled-up anger has been linked to feelings of shame and guilt, and even depression. Channelling this anger through journaling is much more beneficial to our overall wellbeing, by dealing with it and the cause directly.

How to practise rage journaling

“There are various approaches to journaling, but most importantly remember there is no right or wrong one,” Victoria Jeffries says. “You could start by writing about how you are feeling in that

moment and why, or you could follow a journaling prompts style, which I myself have found to be very helpful.”

Rage journaling doesn’t have to be a daily habit, but targeted as and when you feel you need a release

Some helpful prompts that Victoria suggests include:

• What do I need right now?

• What do I owe myself?

• What makes me anxious or afraid?

• What story am I telling myself that is unhelpful?

When it comes to implementing this activity in your life, know that rage journaling doesn’t have to be a daily habit, but targeted as and when you need a release. When an event has left you angry, spend 20 minutes at the end of your day journaling about what happened and how it made you feel. You might want to delve further into the past, and pick up events that have had a lasting impact on you and, most importantly, left you feeling furious.

With rage journaling, it’s important not to rush the process. If the experience was particularly upsetting, you may want to write about it, but not revisit what you’ve written, in order to protect yourself. And if you regularly find these feelings of anger are arising, but you’re struggling to

get to the root of it yourself, you may want to speak in a safe space with a therapist. Your journaling examples might be a helpful tool to discuss and reflect on what you’ve been feeling.

Another important consideration when you’re journaling is who this is for. In the heat of the moment, it can be tempting to share what you’ve written with whoever provoked your anger to let them know exactly how they’ve made you feel, but often it can be best to keep it private. Rage journaling is not about sharing what you’ve written or accusing others, but a safe place to let out your frustrations. Sometimes, the very act of doing so alleviates those feelings, and you may decide you projected feelings from one situation onto the wrong person, or overreacted. Or you may feel completely validated in being angry with someone, or an event, but equally draw a different conclusion on how to address this in a productive way. It’s best not to be rash with your reactions, and use this tool to help process how you feel for yourself. Ultimately, rage journaling is for you, and you alone. After writing and reading what you’ve written, an option can be to literally rip up and shred what you’ve put on the page. It can be a truly cathartic release of all of the tension and anger you’ve been holding close, and a metaphorical way for you to let it go.

Kai Conibear is a writer and mental health advocate. His first book, ‘Living at the Speed of Light’, about bipolar disorder, is out now.

A second life

Five upcycling ideas for a responsible, creative, and unique home

Upcycling is the art of taking something you already own and reusing or repurposing it in a new and creative way. And thinking twice about how we treat our belongings – whether that be by recycling or reusing – makes a difference. According to a report from the Department for Environment, Food & Rural Affairs, in 2022/23, the total weight of waste from households in England decreased by 6.6% to 21.3 million tonnes (from 22.8 million tonnes in 2021/22). Of course, there’s still a long way to go. But concerted efforts can make a real difference. Enter: upcycling.

Not only is upcycling a great way to reduce waste in your home, but it’s also an opportunity to create unique, interesting items that you couldn’t find anywhere else. Here, we’re rounding up five ideas for taking things that you might have considered throwing away and giving them a new lease of life.

Fabric memory keepsakes

Fabric memory keepsakes are beautiful ways to preserve sentimental clothing, or other textiles, in a way that means you don’t have to hold on to bags of stuff. It might be a baby’s first

outfits that you can’t quite bring yourself to pass on, a loved one’s clothes after they have passed away, old uniform, or T-shirt collections from trips around the world – whatever it is, your items can be turned into something wonderful.

Professional services will often have a couple of different options, including teddy bears, tote bags, quilts, cushions, and even pendants – and they can work with you to create a design that gives these sentimental fabrics a new life. Try searching for ‘fabric memory keepsakes’ on Google to find a service near you – or, if you’re confidently crafty, search for ‘memory keepsake patterns’.

Quirky plant pots

With a couple of considerations and small alterations, almost anything can be a plant pot – and getting creative with your choice can add moments of joy and delight around your home. When it comes to choosing the item to become a plant pot, you will either need to make a hole in the bottom for drainage (you can make this quite easily with a household drill) – then place a dish underneath it to catch the water – or it needs to be large enough that you are able to put another pot that already has

a drainage hole (the pot that your plant came home in will likely have this in place) inside of it. It could be a used candle jar, old cooking pots, mugs, cans, or even a wheelbarrow. Whatever it is, before you throw it out, consider whether the item could make a quirky plant pot.

Carpet off-cuts to new rugs

Whether it’s leftover carpet from a recent renovation, or good quality, pre-existing carpet that’s being replaced with something else, those off-cuts can be given a whole new life with a carpet binding service that turns them into rugs. It could be that you create a custom-sized rug for an awkward place in your home, pet rugs, or even car floor mats – the options are truly endless. And the best part? Most carpet binding services will be more than happy to work with you to pick out the border tape, so you can create a truly one-of-a-kind rug. Classic, contemporary, or creative – what route will you take?

Furniture flipping

A hugely popular upcycling project, furniture flipping can take your old, worn out items

Writing | Kathryn Wheeler Illustrating | Rosan Magar

and give them a completely new look. It might be a side table that needs a lick of paint, or an armchair that could do with reupholstering – whatever it is, it’s time to get into DIY mode and make something wonderful. There are plenty of guides and videos online to take you through the process step-by-step, so that even a beginner can pick up a project and see great results.

Tailor old clothing

If you’ve got something sitting at the back of your wardrobe which never quite fit you the way you wanted it to, or which is starting to look a little dated but has strong foundations, taking it to a tailor means that you will be able to transform it into something worth keeping hold of.

You can ask for a piece to be adjusted to fit you better than it will do straight off the rack, and this can be enough to totally transform the look and feel of it. Or you can make other alterations, such as changing the neckline, swapping out fastenings or changing the hardware, altering the length, changing the sleeves and armholes, and so much more. So, if you’ve got an item in your wardrobe which you think could be worthy of a second life, reach out to your local tailor – it could be the be first step to a perfect partnership.

With a dash of creativity and a bit of vision, you can make a real difference to both the planet and your home with the art of upcycling. So, when will you begin your next project?

Are you a people-pleaser?

An expert look into the problem with peoplepleasing, what it is that keeps us trapped in this trapped in this behaviour pattern at the expense of our own wellbeing, and, importantly, steps you can take to set yourself free

Have you ever played the finger trap game? It’s a small tube that you put your two index fingers inside. The challenge is to take your fingers out of the tube. Sounds easy, right? The catch is when you try to pull your fingers out, the tube locks around them and makes it impossible.

Like this game, my client John was in a trap of his own making. He spent a lot of his time, energy, and thoughts trying to make everyone around him happy. The irony is that the more he tried to do this, the more unhappy he became. So, what was really going on?

Struggles with criticism and disapproval

Humans have a tribal mind. This means we have an innate need to fit in. This starts in childhood when we want to keep our caregivers happy, as we depend on them for survival. This continues in school with peer groups, and later at work, with teams and bosses. If we feel that we aren’t fitting in, it

will probably trigger our threat detection system to identify possible danger, which can lead to an emotional response: anxiety. To compound this, if we grew up in an environment where it was not safe, or difficult to disagree with someone (i.e. we faced displeasure or even rage), we may learn the coping skill of pleasing people.

What is people-pleasing?

This is a pattern of behaviour where we put others’ wants and needs before our own, and can make us particularly sensitive to criticism and disapproval. In turn, attempts to avoid any potential criticism can result in unhelpful behaviours. Here is a quick people pleasing audit to see if this may apply to you:

• Do you say yes to people when really you should be saying no?

• Do you repeatedly find yourself in situations you don’t want to be in?

• Do you tend to avoid difficult conversations, potential conflict or confrontation?

Steve Maher is a consultant, professional coach, psychotherapist, and writer. Connect with him via the Life Coach Directory. STEVE MAHER MA Cert. PCIC Dip.Psych MAC MHGI

• Do you feel responsible for how other people are feeling?

• Do you treat everyone’s opinions and feelings equally?

Becoming your own person

As we grow up, we need to develop our own sense of self, separate from our parents and caregivers etc., and establish clear boundaries. People-pleasers tend to have what I call ‘leaky or weak boundaries’, which means they find it hard to distinguish between themselves (their own wants and needs) and others (wants and needs). If we are not able to do this, we cannot be in control of our decisions and life (volition), which holds us back from fully growing up as a person, meaning we may become trapped by childlike behaviours.

Top tips for people-pleasers

If you recognise that you might be a people-pleaser, and tend to do things to avoid others expressing disapproval or criticising you, you may find the following tips helpful:

1. Understand whose opinions really matter. Do you treat everyone’s feedback and opinions equally? If so, the next time you are

stung by criticism, take a moment to consider if this person’s opinion really matters to you. Not everyone’s opinion will hold the same weight.

2. Know that opinions are not facts. Do you tend to take criticism as fact? Ask yourself if it is possible that this is just someone else’s view. A trusted advisor can help you distinguish this.

3. Maybe it’s not you. Many people who are critical of others are highly critical of themselves, and project this on to others. Is it possible that the issue may lie with the other person, and they are simply projecting their feelings?

4. Remember that people think about you far less than you think. We all have a tendency to believe others think about our interactions as much as we do. The reality is this is not the case. They probably moved on from the situation as soon as you were out of sight, but the burden of criticism can stay with us for a long time. Seek to let go and care less about what other people think of you.

5. Focus on your own values and rules. Do you assume everyone holds the same values and rules about life that you do? This is called egocentric thinking, and is rarely the case in reality. Catch yourself when you say ‘I should’ or ‘I must’, as you are probably following someone else’s rules. The valid reason for doing something is because you want to. Take time to understand your values and act on them, rather than someone else’s.

You may be wondering what the solution is to get out of the finger trap. Well, (spoiler alert) it’s simple once you know how. The secret is to relax, and push your fingers inwards not outward. Likewise, for people-pleasers, maybe it’s time to start doing what John learnt, which was to look inward and lead his life by what’s important to him, rather than outward to others for validation and his sense of selfworth.

Glimmers of good

When the negative news feels like it’s all around, seeking out some positive light can remind us that there’s good in the world, too – and that’s something to hold on to. Here are 32 uplifting and enlightening stories from the past year to show us that it’s not all doom and gloom

Writing | Rebecca Thair

A success story

A world-first study, led by researchers from the University of Nottingham and published in World Psychiatry, revealed that reading about other people overcoming their mental health struggles can be an effective tool to help others in similar scenarios. The study involved participants with mood, stress and anxiety disorders, having access to a digital library of mental health stories in varying formats – including poetry, prose, graphic novels, audio, video, written, and imagebased. Over the course of a year, participants could turn

to the library and materials as much as they liked, with results recording a notable increase in quality of life, along with a perception that their life had meaning. Additionally, the research was highlighted as being cost-effective enough to use throughout the NHS.

Don’t stop believing

55-year-old janitor Richard Goodall, from Indiana, won America’s Got Talent and the $1 million prize! This true underdog story shows how we should all chase our dreams – you never know how they could play out.

A company in Japan has begun selling the world’s first ‘horizontally recycled nappies’. This means they are produced from the same item that was recycled, AKA nappies into new nappies – but don’t worry, they go through sterilisations, bleaching, and deodorising to ensure they meet hygiene standards – and are available for both babies and older adults.

A right to ask again

From April, the NHS in England rolled out ‘Martha’s Rule’, a scheme allowing seriously ill patients the opportunity to get a second opinion if their condition deteriorates. The project has government backing, and initially will be available to around 100 hospitals, following a campaign by the parents of 13-year-old Martha Mills, who died after her symptoms of sepsis were missed.

California reformation

In an impressive crackdown on crime, East Palo Alto, in California, which was known as the ‘murder capital’ of the US in the 1990s, recorded zero homicides in 2023. Back in 1992, the 2.5 square-mile city recorded 42 homicides – a higher rate per capita than any other city – but now it’s believed that this turnaround in the city’s safety has significantly increased for several reasons, including time, investment in youth programmes and community policing, along with more job opportunities.

In a win for gender equality, the Paris Olympics featured the same number of male and female athletes, for the first time in history!

While there can feel like a lot of doom and gloom, the Gallup Global Emotions Report 2024, which surveys intangible elements of life such as emotions, found that positive feelings reached a score of 71 out of 100 across the world – the highest since the start of the pandemic – and noted that ‘negative emotions’ had dropped for the first time since 2014.

The EU committed to combat violence against women with a new law requiring all EU countries to criminalise online harassment, forced marriage, and female genital mutilation.

The EU has pledged €3.5 billion to go towards reducing marine pollution, and promoting ocean sustainability.

Developing natural connections

A ‘biodiversity credit scheme’ launched in England to force new building projects, for houses and roads, to ensure that they benefit rather than damage nature. Becoming a law for all sites in April, the idea is that development projects must reach a 10% net gain in habitats. So, for example, if a road cuts through a wild meadow, they would have to recreate this either on site or at another location.

From 1 January 2024, composting became mandatory in France for households and businesses.

South Korea passed a bill banning the production and sale of dog meat.

91-year-old Cecil Farley, from Surrey, has received the first artificial cornea in England.

India confirms a plan to replace its current ‘minimum wage’ with a ‘living wage’ by 2025.

Greece became the first Orthodox Christian nation to legalise same-sex marriage.

A sign of progress

As of May, all North East Ambulance Services vehicles have been equipped with iPads which have the SignVideo app downloaded, in order to ensure emergency service workers can communicate with both deaf and British Sign Language patients. First responders can utilise a video interpreter on the 24/7 app to help convey treatment plans, along with getting a better understanding of the patient’s situation.

The UK election in July officially created the most ethnically diverse parliament ever, with the global majority making up 13% of the House of Commons – an increase from 10% at the last election in 2019.

A mountain of (less) trash

Plans are in place for drones from China to remove rubbish from Ama Dablam, a 6,812m high mountain in Nepal this autumn, before moving on to Everest next spring. Estimates suggest each drone could carry 234kg of waste in an hour – a task that would take 14 porters six hours!

Solar power outperformed coal for the first time ever in Texas in March, producing 3.26 million megawatthours (MWh) to coal’s 2.96 million MWh.

Having a strong, loving support system is vital in the years following the birth of a child, and parents in Sweden are able to make the most of that support as recent policy reform means that they now have the option of transferring paid parental leave days to people who are not the legal guardian, including grandparents and friends.

The average lifespan of someone with Down Syndrome has increased drastically, from 25 years in 1983 to about 60 years today, according to the Global Down Syndrome Foundation.

Going up

ECO AMBITIONS

A 2024 study in PLOS

One has revealed that several EU countries have hit some of their 2030 sustainability goals already, including Sweden, Denmark, Estonia, and Austria.

MALARIA TRANSMISSIONS

Cape Verde, in Africa, was officially declared malaria-free for the first time in 50 years by the World Health Organization, after not reporting a single case of local transmission in three years.

Going down

And it was all yellow (or is that now green?)

Coldplay recently confirmed that their target to reduce their tour carbon footprint by at least 50% has been smashed! Using inventive eco ideas, such as kinetic dancefloors generating electricity from fans, and utilising trains to transport the band, the group has cut CO2 emissions from the first two years of their tour by 59%.

A study from the Institute of Cancer Research, London, and The Royal Marsden NHS Foundation Trust, has found that at-home saliva tests may be more effective at detecting men at a higher risk of prostate cancer than a typical blood test. In particular, the saliva tests featured fewer false positives, and were able to detect more aggressive cancers.

A new device has been approved by the FDA, which can stop bleeding from wounds in a matter of seconds – and could be of particular help in treating gunshot wounds. Cresilon’s Traumagel is essentially a syringe filled with an algae and fungi-based gel, and has been approved for use on moderate to severe bleeding.

The Federal Ministry of Health in Germany has presented a national suicide prevention strategy, with the aim of overcoming taboos around the subject, along with providing more targeted support and prevention services.

Clackamas County, in Oregon, announced that homelessness has been reduced in the area by 65% from 2019 to 2023.

A bi-annual injection against HIV has been found to be 100% effective in a Phase 3 trial by pharmaceutical giant Gilead. The study of around 2,000 women proved successful, with hopes that lenacapavir for PrEP could be available in late 2025.

Read all about it

A bill, referred to as ‘a ban on book bans’, was introduced in the Minnesota Senate in an effort to prohibit censorship in public and school libraries.

Spray it again, Sam

A new breakthrough treatment for Alzheimer’s disease could be as simple as a nasal spray. It targets the build up of tau proteins in the brain, which can be harmful in neurodegenerative disorders as chemical changes in the brain can cause these proteins to combine into ‘neurofibrillary tangles’, which disrupt brain function and can lead to cognitive decline.

Major healthcare reform is on the way in Canada, as the country looks to offer free contraception to 9 million women of reproductive age.

Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection

Photography

Breaking out of generational echo chambers

Uncover the multitude of benefits to befriending people of different generations, and enter a new age of understanding

Writing | Katie Scott

Above the noise of tacks being tapped into wood, and the occasional snap of scissors through fabric, a conversation was taking place about cold water swimming. The youngest participant in our weekly upholstery class had come in pinkcheeked and still shivering after a dip in her makeshift outdoor bath; smashing the ice before submerging herself as the cold shocked the air from her lungs. One of the older ladies, raising her head from behind the armchair she was meticulously deconstructing, quipped that when she went cold-swimming near the Arctic Circle, it was the burn of the ice under her feet that she will always remember. As she headed out on to the frozen lake, she looked longingly back at her shoes sitting on the shoreline, and cursed her decision to go barefoot. We catch up on everyone’s news during the few hours we meet; knowledge is shared as the less experienced upholsterers get themselves in a muddle, and

the experienced step in to help unpick, repair, or guide. But wider knowledge is also shared – and there is a genuine curiosity.

The ladies in their 70s ask about my children, their schools, whether they eat what I cook (no!), whether I am worried about smartphones (yes!), and their friendships. I ask questions, too. It is a wonderful flow of opinions, experiences, and ideas. Age is marked not as a void between us, but simply by the fact that they have been on this planet for longer than me. They have more lived experiences, but are intrigued by mine.

The benefits of intergenerational friendships are well-documented. However, this is a time in which many of us exist – especially online – in generational echo chambers. Outside of this group, the majority of my friends are around the same age as me, share many of my views and priorities, and have children of the same ages. This is often because we met through our children – on

those first days of school when we were exhausted, excited, teary and relieved in equal measures. Playdates with the kids turned into evening catch ups for the adults. This is age homophily, which social scientists Catherine Elliott O’Dare, Virpi Timonen, and Catherine Conlon centred their research around in a paper for the Canadian Journal on Aging. Homophily is the concept that ‘birds of a feather flock together’ – famously written about by scientists Robert K Merton and Paul F Lazarsfeld in 1954.

In our society, homophily sometimes plays out in our choice of the echo chambers we interact within, and these are often age-related. A quick sweep through my Instagram feed, and many of the faces are in their 40s like me. Dr Louise GoddardCrawley, a chartered psychologist, explains: “We tend to seek out environments where our beliefs are affirmed, providing validation and belonging. Echo chambers offer this comfort by filtering >>>

out differing views. Humans naturally seek information that confirms their beliefs, and ignore contradicting information, a bias amplified by echo chambers.”

While I have actively looked for content about topics I am concerned with, and some of these are related to my stage of life, the online algorithms have just fed me more of the same at the exclusion of other groups –including different age groups. This adds more bricks to the barriers to communication between generations. “Each generation grows up in a unique socio-cultural context, shaping their values, beliefs, and communication styles. For instance, baby boomers might prioritise face-to-face communication, while millennials and gen Z are more accustomed to digital interactions,” says Louise. “This creates technological gaps, as older generations may struggle with new technologies that younger people find intuitive, leading to misunderstandings and frustration.”

There are even slang and jargon differences between generations, but also “varying priorities and stressors”, adds Louise. “These differences can lead to a lack of empathy or understanding, as each generation may struggle to relate to the other’s experiences,” she says.

And a lack of empathy can ferment into resentment. “Younger generations may resent older ones due to economic disparities, environmental degradation, and rapid social changes,” says Louise.

“Additionally, older generations often represent the younger ones’ parents, leading to a sublimation of parental resentment, and arguably vice versa.” Our worlds then become silos.

However, O’Dare and colleagues found that homophily was often not related to age at all. Their paper focused on the notion of “sameness” from the perspective of the older friend (aged 65 and above) in intergenerational friendships with someone more than 15 years younger. They found that friendships were centred upon “doing and being” – namely shared interests, shared approaches and attitudes, as well as pursuing the same interests and leisure activities. They

determined that age homophily is largely dictated by how society is organised. Children play in youth orchestras and go to youth clubs. People who are retired take part in activities when school children and working adults are occupied. The opportunities for age integration are limited. Some of the relationships described in the study had come about because the older friend had been a mentor or teacher to the younger – they shared “an action”. “The ‘actions’ formed a basis of commonality and sharing,” the team writes. They were a “conduit to friendship”.

The study proves that the commonalities that can be the seeds of friendships are often not

TIPS FOR REACHING OUT OF YOUR GENERATIONAL BUBBLE FROM DR LOUISE GODDARD-CRAWLEY

Engage in intergenerational activities. Join community groups or clubs that encourage interaction between different age groups. This can include book clubs, gardening groups, or volunteer organisations.

Seek diverse media. Follow news sources, podcasts, and social media accounts from various generations and viewpoints. This broadens our perspectives and reduces echo chamber effects.

Learn new technologies. Older adults can take classes on new technologies, while younger people can help teach them. This fosters mutual understanding and respect.

related to age at all. Indeed, many of the participants dismissed age as irrelevant. This, says Louise, is an argument for more opportunities for generations to mix. “Creating opportunities for respectful dialogue, such as intergenerational mentoring, community events, and discussion forums, can bridge gaps. Educating each generation about others’ experiences through storytelling and collaborative activities fosters empathy.” This can happen naturally in places where people of all ages are brought together by a shared love. As I prick my finger yet again with the caning needle, one of the ladies brings me a cup of tea. We chat about my rickety

chair and her husband’s rickety knees. We may only see each other once a week – sometimes less when life gets too busy – but these friendships are as valid and nurturing for me as those with the women who sit in my kitchen, hiding as our children take over the rest of my house.

Generational echo chambers may feel like safe spaces, but they are also spaces where our views are continuously validated and not questioned. Spending time with people of other ages, views, backgrounds, or genders is a chance to listen, absorb, and learn. It’s also a chance for new friendships that enrich our lives, and that is always something to seek out.

Mentorship and reverse mentorship. Participate in mentorship programmes where knowledge and experiences are exchanged between younger and older individuals.

Open family discussions. Initiate conversations with family members of different ages about their experiences and viewpoints. Listen actively and empathetically.

Attend multigenerational events. Participate in, or organise events that bring different generations together, such as local fairs, workshops, or cultural festivals.

Do some self-examination and reflection. This could be an opportunity to reflect on our prejudices, and consider how they might be limiting or influencing our opportunities to learn and grow.

The ‘secret’ behind overnight successes

Here’s a hint: they don’t exist. Michelle Elman explores the hard work behind those applauded accomplishments, and delves into what really holds us back from achieving the same…

Writing | Michelle Elman

When you see someone touting their wins on social media, it is easy to be jealous of their success – but are you also envious of their hard work? It can be natural to rip the accomplishment out of context of the work it required to get there, and make ourselves feel bad that we haven’t achieved the same thing, or something comparable yet, but it’s important to look at the big picture. Would you still have felt jealous if all they had to show for their hard work was failure?

I recently relaunched my podcast, ‘In All Honesty’, after a two-year hiatus, and it hit all the charts. We were named one of the best podcasts of the week by The Guardian, we were top three in education charts, as well in the top 100 in the whole of UK, and I’m sure there would be someone looking at these accolades wishing

that their podcast relaunch would reach the same heights. But the truth is, it didn’t always.

For two years, I ran the podcast by myself. The audio quality was rubbish, there was no video element, and it was recorded in my bedroom with the third microphone I had bought, because no matter which one I tried, the sound quality just never seemed to improve. My editing was dodgy, and each mediocre episode would take eight hours of my week just to put out, and yet I launched it anyway.

For two years, I released weekly episodes, because done is better than perfect. I have always wanted a podcast, and I didn’t let not being ready, or not having the team I wanted stop me from doing what I envisioned. All of that to say, when I met the dream podcast team that I had been looking for, I had something to show for it, and a really big part of me believes that if I hadn’t launched my subpar version

of the podcast initially, I wouldn’t have been able to sign with the team I have now. My old podcast not only demonstrated what I could do, but it was proof that I had an interest in podcasting, and had such a passion that I had persevered, alone for years.

So yes, it’s easy to look at my launch and see the charts, and be envious, but the truth is I didn’t chart once for two years. But I kept going anyway, because I believe if you know you are good, it’s your duty to keep going! We often want to wait until something is perfect to launch, and that’s just not the way it works in real life. It makes me think back to when I first trained as a life coach, and was the first person in my class to launch a website. After six months, I met up with a few of my peers, and two of them still hadn’t finalised their own ones – they said they weren’t ready. In that time, not only had I got a full

client roster, but I had redesigned my website three times. Yes, it was an immense waste of money, but I only learned what I wanted to specialise in and how to customise my website by doing. I learned by actually being in the job, and course-correcting every time I realised one topic brought me more joy than others, and my website would follow suit, removing the treatment plans I didn’t enjoy as much, and putting more in the area that I would end up specialising in.

We have to feel ready to leap before we are ready, and I truly

believe the difference between those who succeed and those who don’t get off the starting line, is they launch before everything is sorted to the final detail, they figure it out as they go. We get scared of putting something out into the world that’s imperfect, because others might judge us, but the only people who are judging are the ones doing less than us. As the saying goes, perfect is the enemy of good, and getting a ‘good enough’ mentality is something I attribute most of my success to.

Do you know how many wannabe authors have never

submitted their manuscript to an agent, because they think it’s not quite ready? Do you know how many people are sitting there tweaking their CV thinking that changing a sentence here and there is going to seriously affect their success rate? The truth is it’s easy to hide between these tiny details instead of admitting it’s scary to put yourself out there. One of the key things that helps me hit submit is remembering that we spend 95% of our time tweaking the last 5%. The content of your work will always be more important than the tiny details, and even authors have editors! Whenever you start anything, you will never be as good as if you keep going, but we all have to start somewhere. So, don’t beat yourself up with the imaginary image of an overnight success that feels like an impossible standard to hold yourself to – because it is. Rather, celebrate the courage it takes to take each step and put yourself out there, especially the first.

Michelle Elman is a dating and boundaries media expert. Listen to her podcast, ‘In All Honesty’, available on all major streaming platforms.

4 money hacks for disabled people

From household items to mobility aids, the world is often a more expensive place for disabled people. Discover the moneysaving schemes and discounts that can help balance the books

Writing | Lydia Wilkins Illustrating | Rosan Magar

To be disabled means having to grapple with significant extra costs –and, quite often, this is something that no one warns you about. To reach the same standard of living as someone who is not disabled, there is a notable difference in the cost of the items purchased, which applies to both big and small purchases. Take carrots as an example. If you have a limb difference, a chronic pain condition, or are unable to use your arms or your hands, this may mean having to buy pre-cut carrots from the supermarket,

which tend to be more expensive. Then, consider bigger purchases. Frequently, adaptive equipment, mobility aids, and other supplies have to be purchased by the individual, as they’re rarely given to you as ‘standard’. These are all extra costs which would not have been encountered otherwise, and which can quickly add up!

The charity Scope crunched the numbers in their 2024 report, Disability Price Tag. What it found was that, on average, disabled households need an additional £1,010 a month to have the same standard of living

as non-disabled households. Plus, the average extra cost of disability is equivalent to 67% of household income after housing costs. That’s a lot of money to have to find elsewhere, when budgets are already stretched to the max.

From one disabled person to another, these are the hacks I utilise to the best of my advantage in order to help with the bills. While they are not an automatic solution, these are what I use as a ‘stop gap’ to try to save as much as possible, or to spend my money in a cost-effective way.

USE CALCULATOR TOOLS TO BETTER UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU’RE ENTITLED TO

When it comes to disability benefits, there are several means of support that you can apply for from the state. This includes Employment and Support Allowance (ESA), Personal Independence Payment (PIP), Attendance Allowance, Disability Living Allowance (DLA), and Universal Credit, among others. Navigating the benefits system is notoriously channelling, but there are tools to help you out. Turn2Us (turn2us.org.uk) has a free benefits calculator on its website, which you can use to immediately see what you’d be able to access.

APPLY FOR THE ACCESS TO WORK SCHEME

Access To Work is another programme run by the government, which is designed to assist disabled individuals in work. This takes the form of a grant to help pay for practical support with your work, support with managing your mental health at work, and money to pay for communication support at job interviews. This could include things like specialist equipment and assistive software, support workers, adaptations to your vehicle so you can get to work, or physical changes to your workplace.

While the wait for Access to Work can be long, and it’s likely you will need some documentation to back up the ‘why’ in ‘why you need support’, you can apply reasonably simply online. Adjustments to an environment engage with

the concept of creating independence, through removing accessibility barriers, and so this is a good option for those in work. Head to gov.uk/access-to-work to learn more.

UNDERSTAND VAT AND EXEMPTIONS

When it comes to products designed to assist, or which have been adapted for your disability use, you may be entitled to VAT relief. Qualifying products could be things such as a stair lift, a wheelchair, adaptive cars, and even building work associated with accessibility. Often, suppliers will have a form on their website for you to fill out in order to claim this costsaving measure. If not, you can download the form from gov.uk.

SIGN UP TO MONEY-SAVING SCHEMES

Once you have received some form of proof of disability, this unlocks a whole other world of support, as well as a way forward to save money. You can sign up

for a Disabled Persons Railcard and, if you regularly use a bus, councils and bus companies operate a similar organised scheme, offering disabled bus passes.

Other examples of schemes include WaterSure, which is designed to help people who use a lot of water for medical reasons by those who are struggling with their water bills. You may qualify for The Warm Home Discount for your energy bills, as well as discounts and exceptions for council tax, road toll charges, car tax, cinema and event tickets for carers, TV licenses, and more. This isn’t a definitive list of what a disabled person can apply for, so it’s something that is definitely worth researching online. You can find more details on scope. org.uk and by word-of-mouth by connecting with other disabled people in forums and community groups.

5 effective ideas to help you stop biting your nails

Break this bad habit for good with these top tips

Nail biting is something that can start early in our childhood, and continue throughout our lives. You might find you do it when you’re bored, or it might be a sign that you’re stressed or anxious – and while it can be relatively harmless, if you bite too low it can become painful and affect your self-esteem. So, how do you break this habit? We’ve got some vital suggestions.

TREAT YOURSELF

For some people, treating themselves to getting a gorgeous nail treatment may be enough of a deterrent to leave them alone. You could book yourself in at your local nail salon, and pick a look that makes you feel great. Or you could pick up some fresh polish and give yourself a creative manicure at home. Seeing your nicely presented nails could be enough to make you pause before biting, prompting you to break the cycle.

KEEP YOUR NAILS SHORT

On the other hand, keeping your nails short and simple may be a better option for some. Trim them down, being careful not

to go too low as to make them sore. This way, you take away the opportunity to bite to begin with. You could also keep a nail file with you when you’re out and about, so that if any raw edges catch your attention you can file them down inside of being tempted to bite.

AVOID FALLING INTO THE TRAP OF ‘EVENING THINGS OUT’

If you’ve already begun biting a nail, this can quickly spiral into a full-blown biting session as you try to even out one nail or even a whole hand so it doesn’t look odd. This can feel like a logical action at the time, and something which can inadvertently spur you on. As before, carrying a small manicure kit can help to quickly deal with the problem without resorting to more biting.

REPLACE THE BEHAVIOUR WITH SOMETHING ELSE

When the urge to bite comes up, try to catch it and take action by replacing it with something else. You could gently flick the nail you were about to bite with your other hand, tap that finger a few

times on a surface near you, or try repeating a mantra such as: ‘I no longer bite my nails.’ Switching out the nail biting with something else can help you to become aware of when the urge arises, and help break unconscious behaviours.

ADDRESS ANY UNDERLYING FEELINGS

Sometimes, nail biting can be a sign that there is something going on below the surface. Consider whether there are times when you bite your nails more than others. For example, does it tend to happen in the run up to meetings, ahead of big events, or in periods when you’re under more stress than usual? In these cases, you can try relaxation strategies such as mindfulness and breathwork. But, for others, nail biting can be related to conditions like ADHD and anxiety disorders, and so you may find this needs the support of a professional, such as a counsellor or hypnotherapist.

Interested in working with a hypnotherapist to manage nail biting? Visit the Hypnotherapy Directory to find out more.

Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

Introversion v shyness v social anxiety

Recognise the key differences, and some similarities, between people who are introverted, shy, or have social anxiety disorder

Introversion Shyness Social anxiety

A personality trait, which can be on a spectrum, with people featuring both introverted and extroverted tendencies.

A characteristic that persists throughout life.

Certain social situations, or too many of them, can drain their energy.

Enjoy spending time with their own company, or smaller groups of people.

Can find it draining meeting new people, but can still enjoy socialising.

May avoid some social situations.

Prefer to engage in deep, meaningful conversations than small talk.

Learn more about yourself, your needs, what refills you, and what drains you – and use this to help set healthy boundaries.

A personality trait, which can change over time.

An initial feeling that may reduce or disappear once you become more used to people, a place, or situation.

Not confident in their social skills.

Can enjoy socialising, but may feel nervous or intimidated in unfamiliar situations.

Can feel awkward and uncomfortable meeting new people.

May find that they blush, or cover their face/mouth when socialising.

May take time to ‘warm up’ and engage comfortably when socialising.

Can try to overcome it through gradual practice and taking small steps to develop your confidence and comfortability.

A mental health condition.

Remains, and may even increase, despite increasing familiarity.

Social situations can create extreme distress and anxiety.

May want to spend time with others, but the thought or act of doing so can be triggering and cause them to avoid it, due to their anxiety.

Can feel awkward and uncomfortable meeting new people.

May avoid some social situations.

Dreads socialising for fear of embarrassment or judgement by others.

Variety of treatment options, including psychotherapy (typically CBT), medications, support groups, and self-help guides.

Nerve flossing: Your new favourite wellness technique?

Designed to specifically target nerve pain, ‘nerve flossing’ could be an invaluable tool. But how does it work?

Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

Living with physical pain can take its toll. In fact, according to the American Psychiatric Association, 35–45% of people who live with chronic pain also experience depression. Plus, they are also at a heightened risk of anxiety and substance use disorders. So, when it comes to common conditions that involve nerve irritation – such as sciatica, carpal tunnel syndrome, or trapped or injured nerves – it makes sense to explore as many options for pain management as possible. This is where ‘nerve flossing’ comes in.

Nerve flossing is a technique to help relieve pain, and also to aid in increasing your range of motion. Following a series of exercises, which work to gently soothe irritated or compressed nerves, it can be used as an at-home remedy for pain relief, or alongside medication or other treatments as a complementary option.

Generally, nerve flossing will involve stretching back and forth in two directions – like when you floss your teeth, which is where it gets the name from. But it’s also known as ‘nerve gliding’,

‘nerve sliding’, or the more formal ‘neurodynamic stretching’. The goal is to address the nerve tissue specifically, rather than the muscle, which is why the technique varies from more traditional stretches, as the idea is that you’re hoping to slide the nerves in their sheathes to ease tension, rather than to gently pull on muscles.

Currently, there isn’t a lot of clinical research into the effectiveness of nerve flossing, and researchers have found conflicting results. That said, a small study, published in Physical Therapy Rehabilitation Science, found that participants who used a sciatic nerve sliding technique on their hamstrings saw immediate improved flexibility in these muscles after the exercise. Similar results were seen in a study published in the Journal of Sports Medicine, which compared neurodynamic sliding to muscle stretching, and also a placebo stretch. They, too, found that nerve flossing was able to improve flexibility. The practice also gets some word-of-mouth endorsement, regularly coming

up on internet discussion boards in response to those looking for ways to manage pain.

For some people, a more individualised treatment plan, that may involve medication, will be the most effective way to manage chronic pain. But this low-risk, low-effort technique could still offer some relief. So, why not give it a go with these easy exercises?

Over to you

Before you begin, keep in mind a couple of key things. Firstly, nerve flossing should not be painful. If you are experiencing pain during the exercises, stop what you are doing and seek advice from a GP or physio. Secondly, try to remain relaxed throughout. Breathe evenly and relax your muscles.

The speed of the movements and number of repetitions you do can be guided by what feels right. You may wish to start slowly and gradually speed up. Or you may find a pace that works for you and stick to that. Listen to what your body needs, and react accordingly.

Seated nerve floss. Sit on a chair with your knees and feet shoulderwidth apart. Straighten out one of your legs in front of you. Flex your foot so that it is vertical. At the same time, tilt your head backwards. Next, bring your head back up and then lean your chin towards your chest, and release your foot so that it is pointing forwards. Do the same with the other leg, and repeat the whole exercise 10 times on each side.

Piriformis syndrome floss.

Lie on your back with both your legs bent and your feet flat on the floor. Place one foot on top of the opposite knee. Reach your hands around the leg that is still touching the floor, and gently pull it to lift the leg up, all the while keeping the other leg up and supported. Hold this for five seconds, and then repeat on the other side. Repeat the whole sequence three to four times.

Carpal tunnel floss.

Stretches for sciatica pain

Knee-to-chest floss. Lie down on your back with your legs extended straight – you may wish to do this on your bed or on a yoga mat if you have one. Bend one leg at the knee. Wrap your hands around your knee and gently pull it towards your chest, keeping it in line with your hip. Hold this pose for 20–30 seconds. Release your knee and lay your leg down. Do the same thing with the other leg and repeat the sequence three or four times on each side.

Take a seat in a chair, and lift your arms to shoulder height, keeping them straight with your palms facing up. Make a fist and hold this for five to 10 seconds. Release your fingers and hold this for five to 10 seconds. Repeat this sequence 10 times.

These exercises work best when they are done regularly. So, if they offer you some relief, see if you can build them into your daily routine, using each exercise as a prompt to tune in to your body, and to take your comfort and wellbeing seriously.

Happiful recommends

From a meaningful, self-reflection activity, to a dreamy bathtub essential, we’re bringing you 10 wellbeing recommendations that you need to try

Writing | Lauren Bromley-Bird

PAGE-TURNERS

Self-Care for Winter by Suzy Reading

3

ACT OF KINDNESS

Donate a bag of clothes to Mind

The next time you declutter, pack a bag to donate to one of Mind’s local charity shops. According to Mind, each donated bag of clothes is worth an estimated £30 to them, meaning that your simple clear out could be equivalent to donating at least £30. What an easy way to give back! (Visit mind.org.uk to find your local Mind store)

LEND US YOUR EARS

‘The Doctor’s Kitchen Podcast’ Join Dr Rupy Aujla and his expert guests as they explore the different ways that we can fine-tune our health with our diet and lifestyle. From a mindful drinking expert helping to improve your relationship with alcohol, to discovering how to incorporate anxietybusting foods into your diet with a nutritional psychiatrist, feel empowered to set healthy goals that resonate with you. (Available on all podcast platforms) 1

There is something so magical about winter, but that’s not to say that this seasonal change doesn’t have an effect on our minds and bodies. Psychologist Suzy Reading’s little book of self-care has everything you need to cosy up and create your own winter selfcare plan. (Out now, £16.99)

2

OUT AND ABOUT

Visit National Trust film locations

4

The National Trust looks after some of our most incredible properties, gardens, woodland, and coastal areas, but they also serve as filming locations for some of our best-loved shows. So, whether you’re a Bridgerton lover or a Harry Potter enthusiast, plan your exploration and seek out the places that help to bring your beloved shows to life. (Visit nationaltrust.org.uk to read about filming locations)

5

PLUGGED-IN

Hear and Heal

Following this popular self-love TikTok account is like having that best friend who knows exactly what to say when you need to hear it the most. Each video contains words of comfort to help us feel seen or heard when we’re feeling down, and need a hand getting back up again. (Follow @hearandheal on TikTok)

7

TECH TIP-OFFS

Write an email to your future self

LESSON LEARNED

Hobbycraft classes

Where’s the fun in doing the same old things, when you could step out of your comfort zone and try something you’ve never done before? Whether you’re a passionate creative or an eager beginner, Hobbycraft holds online and in-person creative workshops, including everything from crochet courses to painting, and sketching. (Find out more at hobbycraft.co.uk)

9

SQUARE EYES

My Mum, Your Dad

What would you say to your future self? Would it be to remind yourself of your personal strength? Or would it be to talk about what’s currently going on in your life? Whatever you want to say, take a moment for reflection and let your present self do the talking with Future Me, the app that lets you email your future self. (Visit futureme.org)

8

GET GOING

Indoor cycling

Indoor cycling is like having a party on wheels, surrounded by other like-minded cycling enthusiasts. Peddle alongside your friends to up-beat playlists that will get your body moving and your motivation pumping, minus the rain and traffic that you’d usually get with outdoor cycling over winter.

WIN ONE PACK OF BATH INFUSIONS FROM CLARITY BLEND

In a refreshing dating show that challenges the tropes of traditional ones, we follow a group of single parents who have been nominated by their children to go on a retreat in the hopes of finding love later in life. It’s a heartwarming show filled with openness, friendship, and healing that we love to see. (Watch previous episodes at itv.com)

6 10

TREAT YOURSELF

Bath Brews Gift Set

There’s nothing more dreamy than drawing a warm bath on a cold winter’s night. Thankfully, Clarity Blend has the perfect self-care essential that will help you to unwind! Choose from one of three natural scented bath infusions (cream tea, chai, and herbal), pop it in the tub and soak up the luxurious subtle scent, one bath brew at a time. (£29, clarityblend.com)

For your chance to win, simply email your answer to the following question to competitions@happiful.com

What heats the Roman baths in the city of Bath?

a) Solar panels

b) Hot springs

c) A boiler

*Competition closes 31 December 2025. UK and Northern Ireland only. T&Cs apply. Good luck!

Happiful reads...

From a seasonal wildlife book reconnecting you with nature, to a supportive guide on navigating life when you’re neurodivergent, here are four must-reads to inspire and teach you something new

Writing | Lauren Bromley-Bird

When we’re always rushing around, going about our everyday routines, it’s easy to forget that it’s not just other humans we share this wonderful world with. But, if we stopped to actively take a look, we’d see some extraordinary wildlife also navigating life

Must reads

How Not to Fit In: An Unapologetic Guide to Navigating Autism and ADHD by

Jess Joy and Charlotte Mia

For those who are neurodivergent and are struggling with a recent diagnosis, this is your honest and supportive handbook for navigating life with a neurodivergent brain. Written by two women who were diagnosed in their adult years, it’ll teach you about the art of self-acceptance, and how to flourish in your differences.

alongside us, in the way they know how.

Author Sally Coulthard, who is a passionate advocate for conservation, will inspire you to get curious about the natural world, and teach you how to engage with wildlife throughout the year. You’ll learn more about

The Story of a Heart by Rachel Clarke

Dr Rachel Clarke tells the moving story of two families linked by tragedy: a young girl who devastatingly lost her life in a car accident, and a young boy on a heart transplant list. She speaks of their story with compassion, and explores the medical advances that make the life-saving gift that is organ donation possible.

the animals and plants that are commonly misunderstood, how the moon affects the natural world, and much more. Will you unleash your inner naturalist this season?

New Happy: Getting Happiness Right in a World That’s Got It Wrong by Stephanie Harrison

Happiness expert, Stephanie Harrison, has been helping thousands of people through her social media account ‘The New Happy’ for years, with her science-backed, artistic approach to wellness. Her book, New Happy, continues this mission, and takes you on a journey of redefining happiness in a way that works for you.

The Wildlife Year: How to Reconnect with Nature in Every Season by Sally Coulthard

Do you need to do a dopamine fast?

Overexposure to ‘feel good’ hormones can send us into an addictive hunt for quick dopamine releases, that inevitably leave us deflated when it doesn’t last. So, could cutting out dopamine sources actually help us feel happier in the long-term?

Writing | Kate Orson

Modern life is full of little highs; from the very moment we wake up, we are tempted into scrolling through social media with its likes and loves. Then, there’s a morning pick-me-up of coffee or tea, and when we feel our energy start to slump, a sugary snack tempts us.

While the temptations might be different, there’s one thing that they all have in common, and that’s dopamine. Dopamine is a neurotransmitter, also known as the ‘feel-good’ hormone, that is released through pleasurable experiences. It’s part of the brain’s reward system, and plays a positive role in motivating us to do things that result in good feelings, impacting everything from our mood and emotions, to sleep, memory, learning, movement, and even our attention spans.

From a survival perspective, it makes sense to release dopamine in order to keep us seeking healthy food, exercise, and a quality night’s sleep. Dopamine rewards can also motivate us to keep working towards our goals, with that positive boost that comes with accomplishment.

However, in our fast-paced modern world, we can get into cycles of dopamine addiction. Alongside the more healthy habits, we also get dopamine hits from spending time on social media, playing video games, and eating junk food.

Let’s be clear: there’s nothing wrong with enjoying life’s pleasures. However, the problem is that our brains were never designed to have such overexposure to dopamine highs. And as a result, constantly seeking fleeting highs can actually leave us feeling low afterwards.

I spoke to Cecilie Mikalsen, a behavioural change coach, about the problems with dopamine addiction, and how we can overcome them.

“It’s like blood sugar. If you have a croissant and chocolate milk for breakfast instead of a nutritious, protein-rich breakfast, your blood sugar will spike and then go down below what the original level was. So you keep eating sugar, and then you have highs and lows,” Cecilie says. “It’s the same way with dopamine. If, for example, you post photos on social media, and you get a lot of likes you have that high. Then once that high is passed, you’re down below where you were when you started.’’

Cecilie distinguishes between what she calls ‘cheap’ and ‘deep’ dopamine. “A deep dopamine habit is one that you have consciously built, like running or exercise – doing things that are >>>

good for you. A cheap dopamine habit will leave you feeling worse after, and craving more.’’

In the long-term, seeking cheap dopamine highs affects not only our daily happiness, but can also have other negative impacts. For example, excess caffeine can cause anxiety and disturb sleep. Social media consumption can take up time that could be used for more nurturing pursuits, or leave us feeling self-conscious with ‘comparisonitis’.

So, how can we get out of the cycle?

A dopamine fast (also known as a dopamine detox) could be the answer. It’s a time when you reduce your exposure to dopamine in order to lower the threshold of what gives you an emotional boost. A dopamine fast also allows us space, time, and focus to seek out the deeper dopamine highs that are more beneficial in the long-term. For example, meeting up with a friend and having a long conversation, rather than spending an hour online shopping. Equally, it could be reading a book you’ve had waiting on your bedside table for months, instead of distracting ourselves with online information by scrolling mindlessly.

“The ultimate benefit is that you’ll feel freer,” Cecilie notes. “It’s about the satisfaction of knowing that you are in control of your life, instead of letting

your phone or chocolate etc. control you.’’

What’s worth noting is that dopamine fasts are more suitable for people who are engaged in habitual behaviour, rather than full-blown addiction. For more serious situations, professional help may be needed from a GP, therapist, or organisation that specialises in addiction. In this instance, Cecilie recommends a dopamine fast as more of an intervention for people who “have a habit that is on its way to becoming an addiction”.

To give it a go, Cecilie suggests removing one habit at a time, and setting yourself a clear goal. As an example, you might decide to take a week off social media, and avoid sweet treats or caffeine. She also recommends: “If you’re cutting down gradually rather than stopping completely, then have a timeline. How long are you wanting to stop? My recommendation is at least two weeks to get something out of it.’’ When undertaking a dopamine fast, it’s natural to have cravings and pangs for that habit you’ve relied on in the past. In this case, it can be helpful to exchange your habit for something more sustainable.

“If you have a sugar addiction, every time you want to eat something sugary, swap it with something that’s healthy, like a fruit or vegetable,” Cecilie suggests. “If you feel the urge

to go on social media, read a book. Social media can partly be about hiding away from life. You can escape life by reading a book. Or it could be about craving human contact. If this is the case, you could message or arrange to meet up with a friend. If you recognise the need behind the habit, you can find a replacement.’’

Of course, the reality is that changing habits isn’t always as easy as it sounds. If the fast gets tough, support from a friend or coach can be helpful. Cecilie runs a free, five-day detox online course, and also offers one-to-one coaching support to help ensure people stick to their goals. However, you might find that just telling a friend can be enough to hold you accountable.

Of course, a fast isn’t forever. So, when it comes to reengaging with habits afterwards, how do we approach this? The good thing about a break is that it can be a chance to take stock. Do we want to be on social media, or are we enjoying the freedom without it? Are there certain platforms we do want to cut out completely? And when it comes to sweet treats to beat the afternoon slump, have we found healthier or more effective ways to boost our energy instead of turning to sugar?

Cecilie says: “Sugar, alcohol, or cigarettes, I have no issue telling people to just stop.” But with

If you recognise the need behind the habit, you can find a replacement

social media, she takes a more nuanced approach. “Social media is such a big part of society. A lot of people tend to feel left out if they’re not there. It’s not about the attention for a lot of people, it’s about being included in the herd.’’

So, know that it’s OK if a detox helps you reassess your behaviours and habits, or gives you a break, without having to say goodbye to something forever. It’s more about recognising when a habit is becoming unhealthy, and how you can engage with it in a way that’s more beneficial for you. And in the long-term, don’t beat yourself up if you notice you’re falling back into bad habits –you’re only human. The main thing is that awareness is key. Cecilie says that when you notice it, “that is the time to repeat the detox”.

So, if the happiness from life’s pleasures seems fleeting, trying a dopamine fast could help you find a longer lasting joy.

How to help your teen spot they’re in an unhealthy relationship

Approaching conversations about adolescent romances can be tricky, but the payoff is worth it. So, how do you begin when it comes to talking to teens about having healthy relationships?

Writing | Tracie Couper

At an age where they’re gaining independence and exploring more of the world on their own, ensuring teenagers know the difference between a healthy and unhealthy relationship is vital. While it can be difficult and feel a little embarrassing to broach these kinds of conversations with the young people in our lives, they are essential in helping them gain awareness, set boundaries, and stay safe.

The Office for National Statistics reports that 25% of women experience some form of abuse before the age of 16. That’s an estimated 5.1 million women in the UK. That said, while it’s important to note that girls are

disproportionately affected by abuse, it is also vital to have these conversations with boys. So, when the time comes, here are some suggestions on how to navigate those conversations.

Create a safe space to talk, without judgement

If you’re going to encourage your kids to be receptive to these kinds of conversations, it is key that you remain open-minded and non-judgemental if they tell you something worrying. Listen calmly to what is being said, and give them time and space to explain, showing them that they are being heard and that their views are important. Try to see things from their perspective,

respect their privacy, and allow them to open up in their own time and pace.

Use conversation starters

Don’t know how to bring the topic up? Here are some suggestions to get the conversation going.

If you’re a parent or carer who doesn’t have a particularly open relationship with the kids in your life, then go in ‘softly’ to start with. Try: “Is everything OK with you and your friends? They haven’t been around here for a while/You haven’t talked about them in a while.” Or: “How does your boyfriend/girlfriend get on with your friends?” Or: “You haven’t seemed yourself lately, is there something on your mind?”

Then, when you feel like the barriers have come down a little, you can ask deeper questions. These might include: “Do you feel you can be yourself with your boyfriend/girlfriend?” Or: “Do you ever feel pressured to do things you don’t want to?” Or: “Do you feel you understand consent and boundaries?”

Establish whether they know the signs of abuse

A good way to gauge how much a young person knows about what a healthy relationship looks like is to ask how they would characterise it. Descriptions that show their understanding might include: “Treating each other as equals,” “Having healthy boundaries,” “Enjoying personal time away from each other,” or “Not putting pressure on each other.”

Then do the same with ‘red flags’ in a relationship. They may be able to identify some, including: “Trying to control behaviour,” “Not trusting each other,” “Being pressured into doing particular things/activities,” and “Trying to isolate you from friends.”

If they aren’t able to bring anything to mind when you ask these questions, you could bring up these examples as prompts to discuss.

Talk about consent

Deciding when to have sex, either for the first time or not, is an important choice. But, when

you’re young, it’s so easy to be influenced by peers or a partner. Research by domestic abuse charity Advance found that 73% of young women and girls wished they had known more about consent, and how to say no, when they started having sexual experiences.

“I think if I would have known a bit more about it, and a bit more about the feelings and emotions that come with it, then maybe I would have waited,” said one girl who took part in the research. It’s important for young people to know that giving consent doesn’t mean it’s an ongoing ‘yes’, and that consent can be withdrawn at any point. It’s also important to give them the ways in which they resist any pressure on them to have sex. For example:

• Being assertive and confident when saying ‘no’.

• Voicing how you feel when someone is pressuring you.

• Suggesting something else to do.

As with other topics, explore what they know already, and explain these key points to them where needed.

Encourage self-inquiry

It’s important to gently challenge anything you might hear your teen or young person say that rings a bit of an alarm bell with you, or even triggers you to want to immediately ban them from using their phone/social media/ seeing someone!

You can do this by saying: “Where did you hear that? That’s

Where to get support

• The Mix offers free support for under 25s: 0808 808 4994 (3pm–midnight every day).

• Domestic abuse charity Advance has created an interactive toolkit to help young women and girls be better equipped to spot the indicators of an unhealthy or abusive relationship. Visit: advancecharity.org.uk

an interesting perspective. Have you thought about looking at it another way?” Or: “What do your friends think about that?” It’s a good way to get them to not just passively absorb the information that they can be bombarded with on social media, but to approach that information with some selfinquiry.

There’s no doubt that having these conversations is tough. If you’re struggling to pluck up the courage to talk to your kids about these intimate subjects, it might help to remember this: teenagers can be empowered in their relationships when they learn how to identify the early warning signs of abuse, understand the choices available to them, and know they deserve to be treated with respect. So, push through the discomfort if you can, it could be lifechanging.

What is ‘super-helper syndrome’?

Do you feel compelled to help others, even if it means sacrificing your own wellbeing? Discover the signs of super-helper syndrome, and how you can start putting yourself first…

Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford

Who doesn’t like to feel helpful? Stepping up to support others isn’t just a nice thing to do, it makes us feel good, fosters a sense of belonging, reduces feelings of isolation, and can even help improve our mental health. According to the British Heart Foundation’s From Goodwill to Great Impact report, 94% of volunteers found that volunteering helped them to feel less isolated or lonely, with 92% agreeing it helped their mental health.

But can our need to help others ever get out of hand?

WHAT IS SUPER-HELPER SYNDROME?

First coined by psychologists Jess Baker and Rod Vincent, superhelper syndrome refers to the compulsive need to help others, even if doing so means you might not meet your own needs. Rather than being a medical

condition, it’s used to describe a combination of emotions or behaviours that can be unhelpful for the individual experiencing them. For some people, the more that they focus on helping or caring for others, the easier it can become to fall behind on little everyday things in life, as well as bigger important tasks.

In real-world terms, this could play out as finding yourself so preoccupied with helping others that you don’t prioritise looking after yourself, and may not schedule things like dentist check-ups, or may stop eating healthy, balanced meals in favour of quicker options that take less time and energy. You might constantly say yes to going above and beyond to do someone else a favour, even if you have too much on your plate. Over time, doing too much for others can lead you to feeling burnt out.

While anyone can experience super-helper syndrome, people

who have jobs that involve helping others, such as nurses, or working in schools or care homes, may be more susceptible than others. Those who tend to lean towards acting as mediators, problem-solvers, or the ones to help fix things for others can be more likely to take this to extremes and help others to their own detriment.

But let’s be clear here, helping others isn’t a bad thing – it’s obviously commendable and shows a generous, often selfless spirit. But they don’t say to put on your own life jacket first for no reason… If you find yourself feeling like you have to help, rather than you want to help, it could be a sign that a pattern of behaviour may need to change.

AM I A COMPULSIVE HELPER?

Spotting the signs between being helpful and doing too much for others can be tough – especially if we’ve grown used to putting others before ourselves, or know that they are relying on us. However, there are a number of signs you can keep an eye out for. Of course, experiencing some of these isn’t necessarily a sign that you have a problem, but it could be a valid prompt to consider whether you’re putting too much pressure on yourself, and if you need to make yourself and your needs more of a priority.

• You’re the first person everyone (friends, family, or colleagues) turns to for help.

• You find yourself helping in

Why do some people compulsively help others?

People can have different motivating factors that may push them towards compulsively helping others. For example, you might feel that in order to show others that you are a good person, you have to help out as much as possible. While this isn’t necessarily a bad thing, if your sense of self-worth and how you see yourself, becomes tied to the opinions of others, and constantly proving yourself, over time, this can become a problem.

For others, boundaries can be an issue; you might feel that you have to help everyone, or that others couldn’t do something without you. Another common driving factor can be that you feel you shouldn’t have any needs yourself, and should instead be focusing on those around you. That ever prioritising your wants and needs would be considered selfish, when in reality, it’s just refilling your own cup.

many different aspects of your life (e.g. work, family, friends, volunteering).

• You struggle to say no when someone asks for help, or feel guilty if you do have to say no.

• You put others’ needs before your own (and may even forget to prioritise your own, or deny that you need anything at all).

• You spend a lot of your time supporting others, and may feel guilty taking time out for yourself or to do something you want.

• You rarely say what you need.

• It feels like others may take you, your kindness, or what you do for them for granted.

• You feel like you should be doing more, should be able to cope better, or are otherwise self-critical.

• You find that some or many of your relationships may be unbalanced; you may help others a lot, but they may rarely, if ever, do the same for you.

While some or several of these signs may not be a problem, there are warning signs that your need to help others may be affecting you more than you realise. Ask yourself:

Do I feel exhausted? If you feel tired all the time, irritable, rundown, or like you’re running

on empty, it could mean that you aren’t prioritising your own needs enough.

Do I feel resentful?

You may find yourself feeling you aren’t getting the thanks or recognition all of your work deserves, as if you are being taken for granted.

Do I feel taken advantage of?

It can be worth asking yourself if you’re the right person to be helping, or if others are relying on you too heavily, and potentially unreasonably.

Am I being too self-critical?

Sometimes, it’s easier to fixate on our faults, and what we could do better, than it is to be kind to ourselves. Cut yourself some slack. Looking after your own health –physically and mentally – isn’t only an important part of being able to help others, it’s also a vital part of reminding yourself that you have needs, too, and they deserve to be met.

HOW CAN I FIND A BETTER BALANCE TO HELP OTHERS WITHOUT NEGLECTING MYSELF?

The nature of being a super-helper is that you’re giving, and selfless, so to build in the habit of self-care may take active practice. You could allocate time in your diary just for you, and see it as an immovable booking. Or you might want to have regular notifications on your

phone to remind you to do something that replenishes your own energy reserves.

You may find that saying ‘yes’ is your default, so take baby steps to ensure any help you commit to is within reason and your capacity. You could start with phrases like “Let me get back to you on that,” or “I just need to check my diary, so I don’t want to commit just yet.” Allowing yourself a moment to reflect and think before agreeing to something can help you decide if you really want, or are able, to support this. It’s also worth remembering that if you do need to say no, you don’t have to give an explanation. A simple ‘I’m afraid I can’t help with that’ or ‘I don’t have capacity at the moment’ reinforces your boundaries clearly, without having to wade into murky waters of guilt or excuses. And, if those emotions around guilt arise, either at the thought of declining to help on occasion, or when it comes to taking care of yourself, journaling and affirmations can be really useful tools. Putting those thoughts and feelings down on to paper can help make sense of them, and enable you to see the bigger picture of why you’re prioritising yourself. Having some affirmations that resonate with you can be effective in the moment, to help embolden you when in doubt, reminding you that acknowledging what you need and want isn’t weak or selfish; you are just as important and deserving as anyone else.

Where to find help

Looking for support with your mental health?

Here are some places that can help:

CRISIS SUPPORT

If you are in crisis and are concerned for your own safety, call 999 or go to A&E

Call Samaritans on 116 123 or email them at jo@samaritans.org

GENERAL LISTENING LINES

SANEline

SANEline offers support and information from 4pm–10pm: 0300 304 7000

Mind

Mind offers advice Mon–Fri 9am–6pm, except bank holidays: 0300 123 3393. Or email: info@mind.org.uk

Switchboard

Switchboard is a line for LGBT+ support. Open from 10am–10pm: 0300 330 0630. You can email: chris@switchboard.lgbt

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ADVICE FOR PREGNANCY AND MOTHERHOOD

Learn more about maternal mental health, and find help and advice, by visiting maternalmentalhealthalliance.org

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DISABILITY INFORMATION AND COMMUNITY

Find practical advice and emotional support by visiting scope.org.uk

SUPPORT

FOR

CHILDREN AND YOUNG PEOPLE

Discover mental health advice and support specifically for children and young people by visiting youngminds.org.uk

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