Are horoscopes a help or a hindrance to our wellbeing?
Spot the signs a friendship has soured Expert insight into finding your path forward
Why are we so drawn to distancing ourselves from the truth
true to yourself. An original is worth more than a copy
Throughout history, people have looked to the night sky for answers and insight. Sailors relied on stars to guide their ships safely, while farmers studied the heavens to signify the best time to plant crops. Ancient Greeks were inspired by the planets to create many myths, which infuse countless stories and parts of our culture today.
Yet the idea of divining anything tangible about a person from the stars has often been met with scepticism. Reading into your horoscope can be shunned, seen as foolhardy, or dismissive of real life.
But is it that far of a stretch to recognise that if celestial bodies can affect our planet, perhaps they’re connected to us, too? After all, we’re all made from stardust.
When it comes to seeking answers, finding common ground, or divining the truth, reflecting on your star sign could be a tool to help you feel part of the bigger picture, something uniting you with others in terms of temperament and attributes, and making you feel less alone in this great universe.
In our article on p15, we explore this very idea, that there could be a healthy middle ground between believing your entire life and personality is ruled by the stars, set out on a predetermined path, and recognising that it could be useful as a source of comfort and validation in times when you need to feel ‘seen’. Understanding its uses and limitations could provide you with an entirely new outlook moving forwards.
And in the spirit of uncovering the truth, we’re getting to the bottom of whether home allergy and intolerance tests can actually be trusted (p35), along with exploring why so many of us fall into the trap of telling little white lies (p30).
We’re also putting a spotlight on to friendships, breaking down how your relationships might thrive with a more low-maintenance approach (p23), as well as spotting when a connection has changed from being your cheerleader to your adversary (p46) – even if you’re compatible astrologically.
Following the zodiac doesn’t mean allowing it to rule your life, or dictate every decision you make. Just know that when we’re in dark times, unsure of the road ahead or feeling lost, perhaps looking to the sky could help guide us, both literally and figuratively.
Happy reading,
REBECCA THAIR | EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
At Happiful, inclusivity, representation, and creating a happier, healthier society are at the forefront of our mission. To find out more about our social and environmental pledges, visit happiful.com/pledges
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From fake
Your lucky stars
Can following your horoscope
or hinder your wellbeing? 30 Stretching the truth Tips for navigating ‘little white lies’ 49 A call to adventure
Discover the magical impact roleplaying has on our mental health
76 Double empathy theory
How does this common experience affect autistic people?
70 The science behind random acts of kindness 73 Prepare your dopamine menu 74 Succeed as an introvert Try these top tips to make your career work for you
Outside the classroom
More children are now home schooled, so what’s the low-down?
Get going with gratitude
20 Creative corner
How to find inspiration for your next creative project
28 Money on your mind
Richard shares his money worries following a cancer diagnosis
38 Ask the experts
Can hypnotherapy help me overcome a fear of germs?
46 Michelle Elman
Spot the signs that your friendship has turned sour
54 Expert column
How to navigate a mid-life crisis
63 Myths, debunked
The reality of PCOS
23 Keeping it low-key
Could quality time over quantity be the secret to long-lasting friendships?
44 Lost for words
How to respond to difficult news
66 Talking about abuse
35 Online allergy tests
Can we trust them?
41 Feeling drained
Who is lymphatic drainage for, and does it really work?
56 Versatile veggies
Indulge in this a delicious nut roast
14 5 tips to stay well this winter
26 Dealing with a dog phobia
How to support a child with this fear
32 Ruled by resentment?
We explore post-traumatic embitterment disorder
58 Interoception in parenting
Every issue of Happiful is reviewed by an accredited counsellor, to ensure we deliver the highest quality content while handling topics sensitively.
Sometimes in life, we can become extremely exposed to the harsh realities that being a human brings – and this can be difficult to cope with. The negative media exposure, the expectations on ourselves and of others, and generally feeling the pressure all add up. To combat that, and bring in the polar opposite, being kind can have a remarkable impact. Head over to p70 to explore how kindness can have a huge impact on your wellbeing. Being kind to others, and to yourself, is the often the start of something transformative.
Meet the team of experts providing information, guidance, and insight throughout this issue
BELINDA SIDHU
PGDip MBACP
Belinda is an integrative counsellor and psychotherapist.
STEVE MAHER
MA Cert. PCIC Dip.Psych MAC MHGI
Steve is a consultant, professional coach, psychotherapist, and writer.
YOLANDE PARRY
BSc Dip.Couns Cert.CBT MBACP NCPS FHT
Yolande is a counsellor focusing on multicultural issues, ADHD, autism, anxiety, and depression.
BA (Hons) Dip.CNM MANP
Elisabeth is a nutritional therapist with a special interest in women’s and gut health.
LLB MSc Dip.Psych MBACP
Clare is an integrative transpersonal psychotherapist.
CLAIRE EDWARDS
Dip.Hyp GHR CNHC
Claire is a clinical hypnotherapist who specialises in anxiety, phobias, and behavioural change.
RUTH HILL
BA MBACP
Ruth is an integrative university counsellor and private practitioner.
RHS Dip.Foundation Dip.RBGE
Ingrid is a life coach helping you to feel confident and empowered.
Dip.HPD Dip.Med AfSFH NCH IARTT
Angela is a hypnotherapist working with clients who are committed to change.
Are you a wellbeing expert with valuable insight to share? Happiful professional membership includes opportunities to be featured in our award-winning magazine. Discover how to join by emailing us at professionals@happiful.com
EDITORIAL
Rebecca Thair | Editor-in-Chief
Kathryn Wheeler | Features Editor
Lauren Bromley-Bird | Editorial Assistant
Bonnie Evie Gifford, Kat Nicholls | Senior Writers
Kate Norris | Content Creator & Writer
Becky Banham | Content & Marketing Officer
Michelle Elman, Steve Maher | Columnists
Ellen Lees | Head of Content
Keith Howitt | Sub-Editor Rav Sekhon | Expert Advisor
ART & DESIGN
Charlotte Noel | Creative Lead
Rosan Magar | Illustrator & Videographer
COMMUNICATIONS
Alice Greedus | PR Manager
Emily Whitton | Marketing Coordinator
CONTRIBUTORS
Emmie Harrison-West, Caroline Butterwick, Laura Cooke, Fiona Fletcher Reid, Elisabeth Carlsson, Lydia Wilkins, Tracie Couper, Elizabeth Bennett, Jenna Farmer, Tanith Carey, Angela Brown
SPECIAL THANKS
Clare Patterson, Claire Edwards, Yolande Parry, Ruth Hill, Ingrid Van Oostrom, Belinda Sidhu
MANAGEMENT
Amy-Jean Burns | Chief Executive Officer
Claire Vince | Chief Operations Officer
SUBSCRIPTIONS
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Friendship energy, also known as ‘frenergy’, is that rush you get from spending time with your friends. But what about those of us who live far away from our besties and can’t see them as often as we’d like? Well, we’ve got good news because, according to a new study, we can get the same buzz from elsewhere.
The Oddfellows, a society enriching the lives of older adults through care and friendship, commissioned a survey of 2,000 UK adults aged 50+ in July to investigate this, by looking at different scenarios where individuals could feel the same energy boost as when spending time with a friend. And the results were eye-opening.
While nothing can compare with spending quality time in person, 63% said they got the same energy buzz from helping strangers, 59% from witnessing an act of kindness, and 45% from attending a concert or the theatre. Meanwhile, 46% got a boost from receiving a text,
and 39% from watching TV.
Dr Veronica Lamarche, of Essex University, explains the reason for this is we all have different energy needs, which can vary based on our life stage, or whether we’re feeling introverted or extroverted.
Jane Nelson, CEO of The Oddfellows, says: “It’s
reassuring to see our research confirm that ‘frenergy’ boosts can be found in lots of different ways. So no matter what your friendship circle looks like, everyone is able to give and receive ‘frenergy’ in a way that works for them.”
Visit www.oddfellows.co.uk to get involved with its events.
Writing | Lauren Bromley-Bird
It’s
Learning how to pretend isn’t just fun – it turns out, it’s a valuable life skill. Pioneering research led by the University of Bristol has given further insight into how babies and young children recognise pretence and start to pretend, with the new study being the first of its kind to show how children’s awareness and grasp of pretence develop from birth to age three.
Lead author, Professor Elena Hoicka, professor of psychology in education, says: “Our findings highlight how pretending is a complex, evolving process, which begins very early on in life, helping their cognitive and social skills to advance. Pretence is a key part of children’s learning, creativity, and understanding of other people.”
The study surveyed 900 parents of children from birth to 47 months across the UK, US, Australia, and Canada. Findings revealed half of children were pretending regularly by doing activities and gestures (such as pretending to sleep, brushing their teeth with a finger, or drinking from an empty cup) by 12 months of age.
“As their language skills are also developing, this can help them to pretend in new ways, allowing them to create elaborate storylines,” Professor Hoicka added.
Researchers hope increased insight will help parents and teachers understand and identify which types of pretence to try with children at different ages, helping support learning, creativity, and friendships.
So next time you share an imaginary cuppa with a little one, remember: you’re not just playing, you’re helping sharpen life skills. Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford
Headspace is an app known for offering mental health support in the form of mindfulness and meditation. But now the app is launching new resources specifically aimed at supporting those who are navigating fertility challenges.
Infertility is something that affects a lot of people, and research from the IVF Network has found that nearly 80% of those who face these challenges have mental health issues. With this in mind, Headspace has launched a new mindfulness
and meditation collection called ‘Support your fertility journey’, with guides in the section designed to support the specific challenges, thoughts, and feelings that listeners may be facing.
“The road to conception or having a family isn’t always easy – and for some it can be a long, expensive, and painful emotional rollercoaster,” says Dr Sophie Mort, clinical psychologist and mental health expert at Headspace.
Not many people would count their commute to work as the highlight of their day. In fact, it’s often the most stressful as we navigate delays, traffic, bad weather, and the looming pressure of the day. But an Oxford academic thinks there might be a simple trick for making our commutes more manageable.
In a study by South Western Railway and Professor Charles Spence, professor of experimental psychology at the University of Oxford, it was found that listening to nature soundscapes – such as bird song or running water – reduced the stress levels of commuters by 38%, and nervousness by 32%. The
researchers compared this to commuters listening to podcasts, and in those cases saw that it only led to an 11% reduction in stress.
“Much of the research that has been done on this subject area has taken place in laboratories and isn’t very ecologically valid, whereas this study may have been one of the only to have been conducted on a train with real commuters,” explains Professor Spence.
“The results clearly demonstrate that listening to nature-inspired soundscapes exerted a significant calming effect on passengers. It would be interesting to investigate whether the results could also
“I see people in my clinic at varying stages of their fertility journey, including people who’ve faced disappointments and pregnancy losses who are trying to stay upbeat and to keep going while navigating these losses. And people who feel alone, grieving and need support as the journey has started to feel hopeless, causing significant stress, anxiety, and low mood – and sometimes conflict between them and their loved ones.”
Visit headspace.com for more.
be applicable to other forms of transport, such as long-distance flights, or lengthy drives.”
So, why not give it a go for yourself? Pick a nature soundscape playlist, and observe the impact it has on your next commute. You may be on to a big discovery.
Writing | Kathryn Wheeler
The NHS is now offering 24/7 mental health support for those in crisis on the 111 phone line in England
A ‘housing first’ scheme, inspired by a Finnish one, has proved successful in Manchester as it looks to tackle homelessness in the city. The idea is to remove pre-conditions, and argues that offering housing first actually saves public funds. After a successful pilot scheme featuring 430 people, the hopes are to extend it and help many more currently sleeping rough.
It’s a common saying, but contrary to popular belief, it might not apply to ageing. A new study, published in Nature Aging, found that there are two ‘bursts’ where we see more age-related changes, hitting at around 44 and 60 years old. Reviewing 135,000 different molecules in participants ranging in age from 25 to 75, the researchers noted that these more sudden, dramatic changes at particular ages could explain spikes in certain health conditions, as well as helping with targeted interventions for better support.
Norway’s forests have tripled in size in the past century, believed to be due to warmer temperatures and increased CO2
Bringing a retro ‘Kenergy’, a Barbie-branded phone is looking to tackle smartphone addiction. Launched in the UK and Europe, the phone is taking things back to basics by focusing on messages and calls, with limited access to the internet, only one game, and no app store. The idea is to dial in to people’s desire to reduce their reliance on screens and digital dependence, offering a more minimal alternative.
Britain’s paralympians took home a phenomenal 124 medals from Paris this summer, with 49 gold medals, 44 silver, and 31 bronze, achieving an incredible second place overall.
The UK government is banning junk food adverts before 9pm from October 2025, in efforts to encourage healthier eating habits
And apparently dogs don’t either. A study investigating canine cognition has revealed that some dogs can have a remarkable long-term memory, with the ability to recall the name of a toy even if they’ve not seen it for two years. Writing in Biology Letters, the researchers focused on five dogs who’d learned the names of 12 toys in earlier research, and were then tested on choosing the correctly named toy two years later, with a 60% success rate for some (far above what’s expected by chance).
Scientists from the University of Texas have discovered an antibody (SC27) which they believe can protect against all Covid-19 variants, as well as other related viruses –with the hope of creating a universal vaccine.
Scientists from Kyoto University have developed a new ‘living plastic’, that can ‘self-destruct’ in 30 days
In a bid to encourage sustainable transport, without putting the financial burden on the public, governments in Belgium, France, and Austria have mandated that employers must pay for their staff’s public transport!
An eco-designer from Belgium is making a ‘racquet’ by repurposing used tennis balls that would be destined for landfill, to create bespoke furniture. With 70,000 balls used at the US Open for example, Mathilde Wittock’s team can carve 1,800 balls per day into ‘cushioning’ elements for her furniture staples, making this a gland slam of an idea!
Sam Wealleans, a 29-year-old from Northumberland, was taking part in the Great North Run this year, raising money for Mind in memory of his sister and a close family friend, when he collapsed near the end of the race. Sam sadly died, but his kind spirit inspired countless strangers. Hundreds of people re-ran the final two miles of the race in Newcastle in his honour, and his fundraising page, which originally had the goal of £350, has now raised more than £30,500. To support, search Sam Wealleans on ajbellgreatnorthrun2024.enthuse. com
While we all know the benefits of a good night’s sleep, a study has confirmed the impact of a bad one. Published in Proceedings of the Royal Society B, the research suggests that two nights of restricted sleep can make you feel 4.4 years older –and the effects were felt more heavily by those considered ‘morning people’!
Whether it’s blatant fake news, offensive troll comments, or our own comparison trap jealousy, we all can experience online anger from time to time. So, for those moments when your digital rage knows no bounds, use these seven strategies to defuse the tension and reclaim your calm
Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford
We’ve all been there: you’ve come across a comment while scrolling through Facebook, or a headline has popped up on X that has left you feeling angry. It’s an all-too-familiar feeling, and one that’s actually intentional. A Yale University study, published in the journal Science Advances, revealed how online networks encourage us to express more moral outrage over time as the angrier we are, the more likely we are to stay and interact on social media platforms. So, what can we do to help lessen our digital rage, or find healthier, more productive outlets for it?
1. Curate your digital experience
Consider blocking people rather than engaging with them in arguments; click to ‘show less’, or opt out of being shown headlines, businesses, or individuals that focus on topics you know will make you angry.
While it’s rarely good to live in an echo chamber online, ensuring that you have a digital ‘safe space’, where you can scroll without
worrying that a few minutes of unwinding is going to turn into an argument, is important. You might want to establish different platforms for these uses – for example, perhaps Instagram is for connecting with friends, while X is for your news and world updates – that way you know what to expect when you jump into any app, and can make sure you’re in the right headspace to engage.
If you find yourself being drawn into an argument, or a discussion is turning heated, consider physically taking a break from your screen. Nothing is stopping you from disengaging, and no one (especially a stranger on the internet) is entitled to demand your time and attention if you don’t want to share it. Doing something physical, like going on a walk, can help to improve your mood, decrease feelings of anxiety and stress, and help you to feel more present in the moment. It’s funny how a little fresh air can genuinely clear the mind.
It can become a habit to respond when we see content online that we disagree with. But the more that we give into our knee-jerk reaction, the more likely we are to develop unhealthy habits around interacting with social media. Try to take a moment to let yourself calm down before commenting. You might be able to form a more concise, clear, and unbiased argument if you allow yourself to cool off, or even realise you misinterpreted someone’s words. Perhaps you’re able to understand their point of view, even if you disagree with it. It’s also good to recognise that, even if we have good intentions and feel a moral obligation to stand up for or against certain things, we can take a beat to choose our battles. Putting all your time and energy into correcting every misinformed, ignorant, or offensive post will drain you pretty quickly – and might feel futile if people don’t listen to reason. Instead, when something is offensive, you can report the post or account rather than interacting directly.
When you’re feeling angry, your breathing might feel quicker or more shallow; focusing on breathing techniques like the 4-7-8 where you breathe in for four, hold for seven, then release for eight, can help you to physically calm your body, so you can focus on calming your mind.
Scrolling mindlessly can be one of the ways that we trick ourselves into thinking we are relaxing or rewarding ourselves with a break,
when, actually, we are risking further overwhelming ourselves with even more information. By avoiding doomscrolling, we can help to make our time spent online feel more meaningful and focused. This can encourage us to make the most of it – rather than finding ourselves falling into unhelpful or upsetting interactions.
Let’s be clear: there’s nothing wrong with feeling angry. It’s not a ‘bad’ emotion or something to feel
ashamed of, in fact there are a lot of benefits to anger, provided you have a healthy outlet to process it. Anger might signify what really matters to you, it can motivate and empower you, or help you express your needs. It can also be a protective emotion, helping us become aware of a perceived threat or danger that we can deal with. But rather than resorting to futile online debates, we could channel it through journaling, venting our frustrations on the page to make sense of them and gain clarity as to what is most provoking the anger. That way we can seek out proactive, positive actions to address it beyond the comments section.
If you’re worried that how you’re feeling may be starting to negatively affect you or others around you, it could be a sign that it’s time to seek help. Working with a therapist can give you the chance to talk about your feelings, acknowledge your triggers, and find new, healthy ways to recognise, manage, and change the way that you respond to anger. We can’t control how we feel. It’s normal and valid to feel angry sometimes, especially in a digital world where a lot of people share unsolicited opinions, without facts to back them up, and seemingly without consequences or accountability. Standing up for what you believe in is right, but finding healthy ways to express your anger is an important step in ensuring that you control it, rather than allowing it to control you.
Stay well this winter with these vital tips
Writing | Kathryn Wheeler
It’s that time of year again: cold and flu season is upon us. No one likes to be ill, and a nasty cold can spell misery. Staying up to date with vaccinations can help keep the bugs at bay, but what else can you do to boost your immune system?
1. Try to manage stress
Did you know that stress can weaken your immune system? When you’re living with chronic stress, your body sees a decrease in lymphocytes, the white blood cells that help fight off infections. The lower these levels are, the more susceptible you become to viruses. Managing your stress levels isn’t always an easy task, but if you notice a link between stressful periods and catching illnesses, it may be a sign to slow down to rest, recuperate, and let your immune system recover.
2. Exercise (but not too much)
Research has found links between regular exercise and a boost to our immune systems. That said, it’s important not to overdo it. Prolonged bouts of strenuous exercise have actually been shown to result in a decrease in our white blood cell function, said to create an ‘open window’
to viruses and bacteria. So, what’s that magic movement window? A study, published in PubMed Central, suggests moderate to vigorous intensity exercise for 60 minutes or less is optimal for boosting your immune system. So, rather than pushing yourself to the limit in a HIIT workout, prioritise moderate exercise that raises your heart rate, but which you can still talk through – such as a brisk walk, cycling, dancing, or even mowing the lawn.
Drink up
Several studies have shown a relationship between hydration and our immune system, including one published in Luminescence. Researchers looked at judoists after a judo session, dividing the group into two according to their level of dehydration after practice. The results suggested that dehydration resulted in immunosuppression. Other, larger studies have found similar results, so making sure you drink regularly throughout the day (and rehydrate after exercise) could provide a boost to your immune system.
4. Get busy between the sheets
Early studies have found there may be a link between regular sex and an improved immune system. In
a study published in Psychological Reports, researchers looked at people who had frequent sex (which they defined as one to two times a week). What they discovered was that these people had more immunoglobulin – an antibody that lives in our mucosal tissue – in their systems than others. Research is still early, and more work needs to be done to confirm the link. However, sex is also connected to lower stress levels, better sleep, and cardiovascular health – all of which play their own role in supporting our immune system.
5. Cook with more cinnamon and capsaicin
Spicing things up in the kitchen can also be a bonus. Cinnamon is packed with antioxidants, along with anti-inflammatory and anti-viral properties, with a 2021 study in Heliyon noting it can help combat influenza for this reason. Additionally, capsaicin, the chemical found in spicy foods like chillies, has numerous health benefits including antiinflammatory, anti-carcinogenic, and antioxidant properties. So adding some heat to your recipe rotation this winter could fire up your immune system, too.
Can awareness of star signs positively influence your wellbeing, or is becoming dependent on your horoscope destructive?
I’m such a Pisces!” I cry to my husband, bursting into tears as I bury my head into his chest. It happens quite regularly, in all honesty – usually when I’m feeling panicked, anxious, or vulnerable.
While I have various ‘tried-andtested’ coping mechanisms to endure my darkest days, it helps to remind myself that I’m not alone, or ‘weird’. That there are millions of other people who are born under the star sign Pisces, and feel just as I do.
And, for a short time, it’s a real comfort.
Let me guess what you’re thinking: star signs and horoscopes are for the back pages of your nan’s magazines, alongside the £3-a-minute number you can call to find out the initials of the person with a secret crush on you – right?
I, like I’m sure many people do, once thought that star signs and horoscopes were rubbish. That they were made up by magazine editors as a way to prey on the vulnerable, lonely, or grieving. But now, I believe that to be wrong. I believe that having a healthy relationship with my star sign and horoscope has directly brought
me joy, guidance, and true psychological benefits over the years. Whenever I’ve felt lonely, or ‘different’, my star sign has reminded me that I’m part of something bigger. At times, it’s aided me in understanding both my mood and purpose, thanks to what’s been written in the stars since the first millennia. While there’s no scientific evidence to support the premise of the Zodiac, the tradition of looking upon celestial bodies for guidance is peppered throughout history. Some believe divination practices date back to the >>>
It can be a coping mechanism to believe in astrology – that it can help people feel ‘resilient’when life feels complex
Sumerians, or ancient Egyptians – the oldest known civilisations. However, star signs are to be taken with a pinch of salt, too. I recognise that there has to be a balance. There are many external factors that influence our mood, mental health, and wellbeing. For example, my husband and I apparently belong to the least compatible signs in the Zodiac, and we’ve been together for a decade. However, I still find comfort in knowing that, while I’m unique when it comes to my personality, lifestyle, and relationship, my traits and behaviours aren’t. To me, it’s a kind of therapy.
“For some people, horoscopes can bring a sense of comfort and belonging that they can relate to certain personality traits within a group – though it’s important to note that these characteristics are usually generalised,” Belinda Sidhu, a psychotherapist and counsellor, explains. “This can also help with a sense of validation – particularly when a horoscope seemingly resonates
with an individual’s feelings and experiences.”
Being a Pisces, I’ve found my unpredictable emotional state exhausting at times. It’s the star sign of creativity and imagination (I’m a writer, so tick), compassion, and love – but it means my emotional sensitivity is high. While I’m in tune with others, I’m overly sensitive, constantly worry about hurting people, and am vulnerable to criticism (tick, tick, tick).
I’ve felt alone – powerless and miserable that it was ‘just me’ who felt this way. That I was ‘wrong’, and ‘broken’. That was until I started to invest in my star sign a few years ago, thanks to my friends.
When my anxiety was high, I found astrology apps recommended by my starryeyed pals gave me much-needed direction. Resounding wisdom from apps guided me into making good decisions on the days I needed it most. I could do with it what I pleased, but it felt like a consolation to have a selfhelp guide of sorts in my pocket. Soon, I started to delve into my moon and my rising signs – and it made total sense. I felt seen for the first time in, perhaps, ever. Now, whenever I’m feeling low, anxious, or recognise the start of panic symptoms, it helps to initially guide my life and thoughts with my horoscope.
Inbaal Honigman, a celebrity psychic with more than 30 years
of experience, believes astrology is a “fun way to learn about different personality types, and to see where each person fits in the world”. She says: “Astrology doesn’t decide who’s better or worse – everyone is free to be themselves.
“I feel that’s a wonderful psychological benefit, as it’s very common to feel uneasy about this personality trait, or that personality trait. Astrology says that all characteristics are fine, whether outgoing or bookish, loud, or reticent, everyone is their own selves.”
Astrology is not a science, but some researchers believe being in tune with your star sign could have psychological benefits, too (though there’s little scientific evidence to prove this). I find that rings true for me, especially on the darkest of days where I feel lacking in direction.
“The predictions or advice that horoscopes offer may provide a sense of reassurance or guidance, particularly if someone is going through a tough time – it may even bring a sense of hopefulness,” psychotherapist Belinda Sidhu notes.
“In addition, any predictions could also be used as a tool for self-reflection – prompting individuals to reflect on their lives, thoughts, feelings, and behaviours.”
A study by Dr Mark Hamilton in Comprehensive Psychology, published in 2015, suggests that it can be a coping mechanism to
believe in astrology – that it can help people feel “resilient” when life feels complex. The same research presents astrology’s value as a “heuristic scheme for understanding the complicated universe in which we live” –basically meaning that it can help people learn something for themselves through short-term goals and solutions.
Another study, written by Dr Paul Clements and published in Culture and Religion in 2020 claims that astrology “offers a spiritual understanding, self-knowledge, and selfdetermination” which, in turn, “instructs the project of selfidentity”. Astrology, therefore, becomes a tool that can be turned to for comfort.
In a similar vein, while I recognise that I’m overly sensitive and have a tendency to overthink just about everything, I’m aware that I have social anxiety, too. And that I struggle with my mental health, and that deserves medical help and intervention – not just a reliance on divine reason.
“Some individuals may become dependent on horoscopes, relying on them heavily for guidance,” Belinda says. “This can affect your ability to make
healthy decisions for yourself, and take responsibility for your actions and what’s happening in your life. If an individual becomes heavily dependent on their horoscopes and receives a perceived negative prediction, this may cause unnecessary anxiety and stress.”
Mental illness shouldn’t just be ignored or accepted as part of your life, just because your star sign or horoscope implies that you have a tendency to it. It’s important to work with the Zodiac as a way of understanding yourself and the world around you – not as a rigid prediction of what’s to come, or a failsafe overview of your identity.
Horoscopes can provide a daily dose of positivity, but it’s worth remembering that they’re written from the perspective of a ‘one-size-fitsall’ approach. That we choose to focus on the parts that are positive, and can shoehorn into our lives, often for temporary satisfaction.
“Treat horoscopes like advice from nanna,” Inbaal Honigman says. “It can be very knowledgeable and have some really big ‘hits’, but try not to worry too much about
the ‘misses’, as the advice in horoscopes is quite generalised.”
Ultimately, horoscopes and star signs themselves as a ‘higher power’ of sorts, can provide control and reassurance when we need it the most. If anything, they can give us the confidence and inspiration to just try, while it’s our intuition that should guide us.
“Horoscopes also provide a bit of fun and entertainment – something you can share and discuss with your friends,” Belinda Sidhu adds. “And we know there are many psychological benefits to socialising and spending time with others.”
I know, for me, that my head is no longer in the clouds, but in the stars, and it’s something that’s opened up a whole new way of looking at myself and the world.
Belinda Sidhu is a psychotherapist and counsellor. Head to the Counselling Directory to get in touch.
Not everyone who needs support is able to articulate it; watch out for these signals that it could be worth checking-in with someone you care for, and instigating the conversation
Significant changes in behaviour
This can be on either end of the scale, with them becoming suddenly more energetic and overly positive, or withdrawn and more reserved. They might engage in more risky behaviours, drink excessively, or conversely, sleep most of the time. Even their attitude might feel different, perhaps more solemn, or snappy and argumentative.
Avoiding socialising and minimising contact with loved ones
Retreating from company, constantly cancelling plans, and seemingly isolating themselves can suggest they might be going through something – especially if this is persistent or out of character.
Constantly on-the-go and busy
When someone seems unable or unwilling to pause, it might be a sign that they need ongoing distractions from their feelings. They might be refusing to take it easy, as it will be harder to avoid or ignore their emotions.
themselves
When going through a hard time, we can feel hopeless, helpless, or even unworthy of love. This might present in not taking care of themselves or their space – with less attention to personal hygiene, not eating properly, or letting their home fall into disarray.
Seemingly disinterested and disengaged
Suddenly showing no interest in topics or activities they once loved, or anything for that matter, can flag that they’re not in a good headspace. The things they enjoyed no longer stimulate them, and they might feel it’s pointless to do anything at all in that case.
If you focus on their language, do you notice them apologising constantly, even for things they’re not responsible for? You might also notice them passing off dark feelings or thoughts as jokes, but there could be a pattern to it, and this is their outlet for when they can’t keep it in any more – but are afraid of how to approach the conversation.
Being overly empathetic to others
This is a really subtle sign as they can appear fine on the surface, invested in asking others how they’re doing and checking in. But alongside being a good friend, the motive can be hoping that someone reciprocates. They want someone to ask how they are, or what’s wrong, so they can finally let it out.
How to find sources of inspiration in your daily life to help ignite your creative spark
Writing | Caroline Butterwick
Sometimes, creativity can be about big ideas – writing an epic fantasy story, or painting a breathtaking landscape. It can be easy to think of creativity as something that can only be sparked by encountering a lifechanging place or event. But, in reality, creativity can be found everywhere – and often, our dayto-day lives are a brilliant source of inspiration.
“We can use our everyday life to inspire creativity when we realise ‘creativity’ is everywhere!” says psychotherapist Clare Patterson. “We can see it in the floor rug, in the tassels on our cushions, the food we cook for dinner, and the plants we water in our homes.”
Clare cites how artist Vincent Van Gogh’s painting ‘The Chair’ takes an everyday object as its focus in a piece of art that’s still much-loved today. Many songs, poems, and sketches take emotions, places, or scenarios that are familiar to many of us, which can make them resonate with a wide audience while emphasising how extraordinary normality can really be.
As a writer, the everyday is a huge source of inspiration. When I
think of articles to write, I often find it’s the things I encounter in my life that spark ideas, from reflecting on experiences I’ve been through and how this might help or be interesting to others, to the people I meet and the stories they tell.
“One practical tip to use everyday life to inspire creativity is to ask yourself ‘Why?’” says Clare. “Why is it you want to create? Is it to express a deep truth within yourself? Is it to mould the way you see things to make them more suited for life and the happiness of those around you?”
It might be that you enjoy the fun side of creativity. I am a firm believer that the songs I serenade my cat with are a form of creativity! OK, so I’m not going to start publicly broadcasting any tunes about his swishing tail and his perfect little nose (trust me, he’s beautiful), but there’s genuinely something so lovely about how he triggers my creativity in a playful way. I’m not a musician, yet I find myself coming up with lots of silly rhymes about him.
Also, as a writer, I could then use my cat as inspiration for articles. I would think about what it is that other people would find helpful
to know about having a rescue cat, for example, or ways to keep your new pet calm as they settle in. I would think about what I have learnt in the few months I’ve had him, and what other people could find useful.
Chances are, there are lots of things in your life that would interest other people. There are so many creative ways of sharing this, from crafting a collage that explores gigs you’ve been to and photos of your favourite local nature walks, to artwork exploring experiences like living with anxiety.
If you’re feeling stuck, look around the room you’re in right now. What sights and sounds are there? What grabs your attention first? If you’re in your home, are there objects that are significant to you? What thoughts and feelings come up?
“Another practical tip to inspire creativity is to examine an object without labelling it,” suggests Clare. “Try this with something more natural to start with – a plant or (if it consents to be still long enough!) a cat or dog. Imagine yourself as a newborn baby with no language or words. Truly observe what you are looking at with no internal dialogue. You
Clare Patterson
is an integrative transpersonal psychotherapist.
Connect via the Counselling Directory.
might find again that creativity flows quite naturally.”
Using your experiences and life as inspiration can sometimes bring up challenging emotions. Selfexpression and exploration can put you in touch with surprisingly difficult feelings. “It might be that we are tapping into parts of ourselves that we have long forgotten, or been out of touch with,” Clare explains.
“As children, we were naturally creative,” Clare adds. “We found inspiration for creativity everywhere. However, as we grew up, many of us tucked this spontaneous, playful, creative part deep within ourselves, and replaced it with timetables, exams, and structured career progression.
“When we sit with ourselves and let this ‘younger’, more natural part of us speak again, some feelings of loss, grief, or even anger, may arise. We yearn for this part of ourselves, and we may mourn its absence. However, if we continue to stay with it, coax it back into our daily adult lives, and begin to give it a voice or another form of creative expression, we will come to see it was never really lost at all. If this feels like a struggle, a good therapist can help.”
associated with them. If you’re writing poetry about an upsetting experience, it’s understandable that you may get tearful, even if you’re glad to be sharing this side of yourself.
It can also be that the aspects of your life that have inspired you have difficult feelings or memories
If you find any difficult feelings come up when being creative, it can help to step away and do something different, like talking
to a friend or going for a walk. Remember that you don’t have to share what you create, and that it’s OK to stop at any time.
Creative inspiration is all around us. Sketch the trees in a park, craft a clay sculpture of your favourite animal, and sing to your pet about how much you love them.
There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it
Edith Wharton
Could keeping things a bit more casual be the secret to maintaining long-lasting bonds?
Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford
As we get older, it can become more and more difficult to stay in touch with the people that once mattered most. While social media and modern technology can give us new ways to catch up with old friends and check in, it’s easy to get caught up in our responsibilities and day-to-day lives, meaning our friendships can sometimes fall to the side. But that doesn’t mean we don’t still value our friends. We just don’t always have the time that we once did. Or our energy can be pulled in more directions. And, of course, as an adult, you sometimes have to focus on what you have to do, rather than what you want to do. So, could low maintenance friendships be the answer to helping us stay connected without guilt or pressure?
Low v high maintenance friendships: what’s the difference?
A low maintenance friendship generally refers to a relationship where you can maintain mutual
feelings of closeness without having to speak with or see each other frequently. If you’ve ever had a friendship where you can go weeks or months without getting the chance to properly catch up, but when you finally have the chance to talk on the phone or meet up over coffee it feels like you’re able to pick up right where you left off, that’s a low maintenance friend.
In contrast, high maintenance friends might expect you to focus your time, energy, and attention on them when you are already spread thin. A high maintenance friendship might leave you feeling drained or stressed after interacting with each other, or you may feel pressured to spend more time or energy on the friendship than you can really afford to in certain times. This person might not respect your boundaries, and may make you feel like any little argument could lead to bigger repercussions, so you go along with their wants or needs and sacrifice your own to avoid rocking the boat.
While some friendships may naturally be low maintenance, setting boundaries and reducing how demanding other friendships may become can be a big help. If maintaining a friendship starts to feel like another obligation in your already overfilled calendar, aiming for low maintenance friendships can help you to still feel connected without becoming overwhelmed.
Having a mutual understanding and acceptance that life can get busy, and friendships can’t always take priority, makes maintaining a healthy friendship as an adult that much simpler. However, it’s important to recognise that you need a solid foundation built on trust and healthy communication to help make these kinds of friendships more resilient to the tests of time.
Are low maintenance friends still good friends? As with any friendship, there can be good and bad points. While it’s great to be able to feel like >>>
you can pick up where you left off, the reason why you’re getting back in touch with each other can also play a significant role in how valid and supportive the relationship feels.
If it seems like you or your friend are only getting in touch when you need something, it can be a sign that your relationship may have become unbalanced or unhealthy. Whereas if you still can enjoy catching up and reaching out more casually from time to time, it can signify that your appreciation for each other is still strong.
One potential problem with low maintenance friendships is that they can feel surfacelevel at times. This can lead to miscommunication and might mean that you may not feel as supported by them. This can be why it’s important to still have a mixture of regular and low maintenance friendships, to help create balance in your life.
Of course, you can still have meaningful friendships with low maintenance friends – it’s about recognising what is important to each other, and being there to support them through those times. Reach out to congratulate them about milestones and remember to share your own. Keep in touch via phone, texts, or social media, and check-in to see how they are and offer support or a kind word.
What’s the difference between a low maintenance friend and a ‘bad’ friend?
The real crux of this difference is effort and intention. A low maintenance friendship is built on a healthy, mutual understanding that you each have responsibilities and priorities outside of your friendship, but when you do catch up, you’re both present, engaged, and supportive. Whereas a friendship that goes weeks or months with little effort or interest in each other’s lives, only touching base when one of you needs something, or making you always feel like an afterthought, can be the signs of a friendship that may have become unbalanced, unhealthy, or unhelpful.
Investing in your friendships: how to be a good low maintenance friend
Low maintenance friendships don’t mean no effort – just that, well, less maintenance is needed. It’s really about recognising the value of quality, over the quantity, of time spent together. A good low maintenance friendship has:
• Mutual understanding. You both get that you need to balance your other responsibilities (work, family, hobbies, self-care) and aren’t always available – even if you want to be.
• Flexibility. Both parties avoid the blame game if time together needs to be rescheduled, and understand that cancelling because you have to is very different to cancelling because you don’t want to hang out.
• Endurance. It still feels like you can talk and catch up like no time has passed, whether it’s been days, weeks, or months since you last met up.
• Low stress levels. You both understand that you care and will be there for things big and
small, but won’t get upset over missed calls or cancelled plans –or make you feel guilty over it.
• An equal effort. To positively maintain your friendship requires both parties to be invested, and be present when you do have time together. This could mean offering support, being open and positive, and having healthy interactions together, even if it’s just a ‘like’ on a social media post.
If you’re looking to make new low maintenance friends, joining new clubs or exploring more social hobbies can be a great way to spark casual friendships centred around a shared interest. Signing up for a class or weekly activity can also be an effective way of scheduling in a regular time to catch up and do something fun together, without worrying about changing your schedule frequently in order to make time for things.
And for those existing lowmaintenance friends, you can still devote attention to them and help them to run more smoothly by:
• Prioritising check-ins. Setting up a regular time that works for both of you (whether that’s weekly, monthly or every few months) can be a good way of establishing a routine where you can keep up with each other’s lives and feel supported.
• Reaching out about the little things. Every catch-up doesn’t have to be about big news or life events. Small moments can be just as important to each other.
• Showing your gratitude and appreciation. Don’t be afraid to share how much you care. Reach out and tell them how much they mean to you. It doesn’t have to be finding time for an hour-long phone call, a simple message could make their day.
Maintaining friendships as an adult isn’t always easy. But with effort and open communication, it’s possible to create (and keep) lasting, meaningful friendships, even when your time is limited.
Follow these gradual steps to enable children to build better relationships with our canine
Writing | Laura Cooke Illustrating | Rosan Magar
Dogs are often referred to as ‘man’s best friend’ but for some people, this simply isn’t the case. Cynophobia, the fear of dogs, is a common psychological condition among children. In fact, it’s estimated that around 9% of children develop a phobia of animals, including dogs, by the age of 12. A phobia is a type of anxiety disorder that goes beyond simple fear. Children with cynophobia often go to great lengths to avoid any situations that may expose them to dogs. Their anxiety and fear may be triggered when visiting unfamiliar places, as
they are constantly worried about the possibility of encountering a dog. This may lead to crying or screaming when they see one, and they may also experience physical symptoms in response to their phobia, such as a racing heartbeat, trembling, sweating, or nausea.
Alongside the clear emotional and mental impact of this phobia, it can affect their day-to-day life (and your family’s) as they grow up, potentially missing out on events or experiences due to this fear. Plus, there can be a vicious cycle with this phobia, where the child’s reaction to dogs could scare the dog and provoke it to bark, reinforcing their fear further.
That said, it is possible to help a child overcome – and soothe – their fear of dogs. It will take time and patience, but there are several proactive steps that parents can take to
help children experiencing cynophobia, and enable them to grow more comfortable and confident in scenarios with dogs.
Show and tell Children with cynophobia may not necessarily have had a negative experience with a dog. Warnings from parents about approaching strange dogs, combined with a lack of understanding about dogs and their behaviour, can be enough to trigger this phobia. Sit down with your child and talk to them about dogs. Explain their behaviour and body language by using books or educational videos on YouTube. As well as teaching them about pet dogs, tell them about working dogs such as sheepdogs, guide dogs for the blind, and emotional support dogs, to help them understand the importance of dogs and their roles in our lives.
“Children have a natural curiosity and eagerness to learn, so this initial step can greatly contribute to developing their understanding and empathy towards dogs,” says hypnotherapist Claire Edwards.
The next step is to start introducing your child to dogs in a controlled environment. This doesn’t mean making them stroke or interact with the dog –just watching a dog from a safe distance can prevent them from feeling overwhelmed.
“Choose a friendly and gentle older dog rather than a puppy – puppies can be more unpredictable and energetic, potentially increasing anxiety for the child,” advises Claire. “Remember to always smile and speak positively about your experiences with dogs.”
When your child is ready for the next stage, calmly carry them to the dog. Keep some dog treats in your pocket to offer while asking the dog to sit on command, showing your child that you are in control of the situation.
Once again, the key to this is choosing the right dog for this part of the process. Ensure you have permission from the owner, preferably a friend or family member so it’s a dog whose behaviour and temperament is more familiar to you, to ensure a safe and controlled environment for your child to begin interacting with the dog.
Use supportive and empowering language
Be mindful of your choice of words. Using terms like ‘brave’, can inadvertently increase
anxiety and create a sense of failure if the child is unable to approach a dog in the future. Instead, Claire says, it is important to focus on the process, rather than the outcome.
“Encouraging children to take small steps and celebrating their efforts, regardless of the outcome, can help foster a sense of accomplishment and build resilience,” she says. “By using supportive and empowering language, we can create an environment where children feel safe to face their fears at their own pace, without the added pressure or anxiety of feeling like they have failed.”
Remember to always smile and speak positively about your experiences with dogs
Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) or hypnotherapy can provide long-lasting solutions for children with cynophobia.
Claire says: “CBT helps children identify and challenge their negative thoughts and beliefs about dogs, teaching them coping strategies to manage their fear. Hypnotherapy works on a subconscious level, helping children reframe their fears
and anxieties and develop a more positive response to dogs. Both therapies offer a structured and supportive approach, gradually exposing children to dogs in a controlled environment, enabling them to overcome their phobias and build confidence.
“By seeking these therapies, parents can give their children the tools they need to manage their fear and lead a more fulfilling and anxiety-free life.”
Helping a child overcome a phobia of dogs may feel like a daunting task, but it can be done. Conquering this fear can have additional benefits too, including developing self-confidence, approaching challenges with a positive mindset, boosting self-esteem, and developing resilience. And one day, interacting with dogs will feel like a walk in the park.
Welcome to Money on Your Mind, the series where we explore the reality of money and mental health in the lives of real people. In this edition, Richard reflects on his relationship with money following a blood cancer diagnosis, and shares the work he and his wife do to support other patients
Seemingly every day there’s something new to pay for, and Monday was paying for one of the businesses that we run. The bank balance was always fairly buoyant pre-diagnosis. I would look at it and think, ‘That’s quite a nice amount to have in there’ – and I was always comfortable knowing that money would be replenished. But it’s different now. While there is a part of me that just gets on, and my wife Kelly works ridiculously hard to make up the shortfall, I worry about money a lot, and there’s always a bit of me that wants to think about how we can cut costs.
The day I was diagnosed with blood cancer, we were offered a drug that could increase my chances of going into remission by about 15%. But in order to have that drug, it would cost us £40,000. They also said we have to raise the money in a week to pay for it. My father-in-law offered to sell his house, but Kelly’s wisdom
was: ‘Let’s set up a GoFundMe campaign and see if we can get some funds together.’ Within five days we raised the money. After 10 days, the money continued to come in. We were very aware that there are a lot of people who are on a cancer path who are unsupported, isolated, and alone. They have to get themselves on a tube each day with a pillow under their arm, take themselves off for chemo, then travel home and sit there worrying about their finances. So, 10 days after a diagnosis, we decided to set up the Willow Tree Foundation, to stand shoulder to shoulder and heart to heart with those living with blood cancer. Since then, we’ve given out more than £50,000 in grants.
On Tuesday, Amazon Prime Day was on the horizon. We started making a list of things we might be able to buy. We’re always making decisions about what we spend money on, and when we do it. We’ve never had
a lavish lifestyle, but we did have to pay £100 for the vet this week – so maybe we don’t have that takeaway. It feels like forever bargaining. And that’s unfamiliar. I used to live a bit of a life that was quite unconscious of finances. I always had a belief that money would find us, but now I’m occupying this place where I don’t know that.
I suppose, in some ways, it’s a good thing because it keeps me very truthful to this incurable illness. Perhaps if I were able to just leap back into work that would be more problematic, because I’d get into a familiar old groove of thinking I’m indestructible. Of course, as soon as that happens, the universe nudges us. And I can’t afford any more nudges, because getting this diagnosis was life-shattering. If I look at the cancer groups online, there are lots of questions about finances, because it’s a worry. It’s all-consuming when the focus should be to heal
To find out more about Richard, Kelly, and the Willow Tree Foundation, visit thewillowtreefoundation.com. Richard’s book, ‘As a Kite Falls: A Voyage Through Descent’, is out now.
and to recover – but that’s pretty impossible when we’re worrying about putting food on the table. You also have to look at the financial entanglement of beliefs that you grew up with. I see this as being out of date and part of the patriarchal society, but I did witness my dad going out and working, and he’d leave the cash on the side for my mum each week. I don’t hold that model, but I do hold a model of being equal. And while I think Kelly and I find other ways to balance it out, it’s like a demon that keeps coming back and telling me that I should be working.
Thursday was similar to Tuesday. Things just going wrong that we didn’t budget for. We got a flat tyre, and we’ve had water coming out of our floor. In the past we’d have said, that’s a bit of a pain, but we need to get a new tyre and we need to fix the floor… But now it feels like, how many more hits can you take?
Friday was a bit of a breakthrough in that in that a client I have been coaching agreed to do another three months, which will pay our mortgage. It felt like a little win for the week. It’s like being thrown in a lifeline. So, provided we don’t have any disasters, we’re all right. When I reflect on the week, I realise that the diagnosis forced us to make conscious decisions about our spending. Whatever our old stories are, whatever our old ideals are, we have to start inventing new ones. It’s what we’re doing, week to week. We’re really starting to offer some new stories of how we live and how we manage financially – well, not just manage, it’s about how we flourish financially, just in a different way.
From a complete betrayal, to a friend hiding the truth to protect your feelings, finding out you’ve been lied to can hurt. So, why do so many of us stretch the truth in daily life? And how can we navigate tricky conversations without resorting to a little white lie?
Writing | Fiona Fletcher Reid
Dinner’s on the table. Your partner, beaming with pride, watches as you take a cautious bite, waiting patiently for your reaction. It’s no Michelin star meal, but you appreciate the effort, and don’t want to hurt their feelings. “Delicious,” you say with
enthusiasm. It’s a classic little white lie. No harm done, right?
What is a white lie?
White lies generally come from a place of kindness, where you avoid the truth in order to protect someone’s feelings, usually over
something seemingly small and harmless. You bend the truth and say you love your colleague’s neon green car, because you want them to be happy. You avoid a lunch date with a heartbroken friend by saying you’re too busy when, truthfully, you don’t have the energy to hold space for their sadness just now. In most cases, a white lie is seen as justified because it spares someone from a painful, unnecessary truth.
As children, we’re raised to believe that lying is wrong. But the reality is that daily interactions are laced with false statements, and are an essential form of social lubrication. While not always ideal, they help us navigate social norms, ease tension, and create a more pleasant atmosphere.
For example, one key characteristic of a white lie is that it’s meant to benefit someone, with no malicious intent behind it. Another big motivator? Avoiding conflict or protecting our egos. Not in the mood for small talk with a colleague? A quick “I’m running late for a meeting” helps you avoid seeming disinterested. Similarly, in some cultures, directness can be seen as rude. This explains why you might decline a dinner invitation with a fabricated excuse, rather than admitting you’d rather be home snuggling with the cat.
White lies gone wrong
Over time, a string of white lies, however small, can chip away at a relationship. It creates a sense of uncertainty about what’s true, and can undermine trust. If you
become a habitual liar, you may find yourself caught in a web of deception, and feel unable to keep up with the false stories you’ve amassed over time.
The irony of frequent white lies is a phenomenon psychologists call ‘deceiver’s distrust’. The more someone bends the truth, the more they become suspicious of others’ honesty. It’s like a selffulfilling prophecy; constantly being dishonest makes it harder to trust others – even those who are genuinely truthful – which can create a toxic cycle and pushes people further apart.
But telling a little white lie to your kids is different, and totally acceptable, right?
Fiona Yassin, a child, adolescent, and family psychotherapist, says it’s natural for parents and carers to use lies as a means of protection, especially when it comes to grief, divorce, and current events.
“As a result, parents often sugarcoat the truth, lie, or embellish the reality,” explains Fiona. “However, when parents are dishonest –even with the best intentions – the impact on the child can be damaging. When a parent is dishonest to their child, it erodes trust in the relationship, and may also distort the child’s moral compass.
“In reality, parents tend to lie to their children or tell half-truths because of their own discomfort about the situation, not the child’s,” says Fiona. “It might be that the parent hasn’t come to a place of acceptance themselves, or they are holding on to hope that there will be a different outcome.”
Whether you’re using lies with children or adults, before you tell the fib, use it as a chance for reflection. Why are you leaning on a lie in this particular situation? What is it that is so difficult to say? Are you worried that someone will dislike you, or that you’ll be perceived in a way that’s at odds with your selfperception?
Honesty can be an opportunity for genuine self-growth. By avoiding the truth through little white lies, you miss the chance to build resilience, strengthen your integrity, have new learning experiences, and build deeper connections through transparency and openness. However, honesty doesn’t mean oversharing. For example, children shouldn’t be burdened with adult problems, and their emotional safety should be prioritised over treating them like confidants. Ultimately, open communication based on ageappropriate honesty is key to building strong relationships.
“Focusing on open and honest communication helps couples or families navigate situations where white lies might seem tempting,” says Elle Mace, a positive psychology coach.
“When everyone feels heard and valued, there’s less incentive to resort to deception.”
While white lies might seem like the easy way out, there are more effective ways to navigate tricky situations. Try the following strategies to keep your communication honest and respectful...
Sometimes, the straightforward approach is best. Instead of a white lie about being busy, be honest: “I’m not feeling well enough to go out tonight.” Explain your limitations kindly, offering an alternative if possible, like rescheduling for another time.
Learning to say no is crucial. If someone asks you to do something, instead of trying to please them at all costs, set a clear boundary. For example: “I can’t help with that right now, how about next week?” Assertiveness builds trust and stops you from over-committing.
There’s often a way to be truthful without being brutal. Instead of a fake compliment about a questionable outfit, try: “This is a new look for you! How do you feel?” This avoids telling a lie, while still encouraging your friend to express their personal style.
Already told a white lie and dealing with the consequences? It’s time to come clean. “If a white lie has already damaged trust, steps can be taken to repair it and rebuild a foundation of honesty,” says Elle.
Ultimately, while white lies might seem like a quick fix, genuine connection and trust are built on a foundation of honesty. By prioritising open communication, you can navigate difficult situations authentically, creating stronger bonds with the people around you.
Recognise when feelings of resentment seem to rule your life, and how you can help yourself out of a cycle of sourness
Writing | Fiona Fletcher Reid
Do you feel yourself stuck with a bitter mindset as a result of something that happened a long time ago? Perhaps you were betrayed by a partner, treated unfairly at work, or the victim of a crime. The event has long-since passed, but you’re left with chronic anger and resentment that permeates every aspect of your life. Your loved ones rallied round you at the time, with bags of sympathy and understanding. But now, they beg you to draw a line under it, to forgive, and forget. You’re trapped in these feelings and can’t seem to move on, no matter how hard you try. If this sounds familiar, there is a chance you could have post-traumatic embitterment disorder (PTED).
What is post-traumatic embitterment disorder?
You’ve probably heard of posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD), where a terrifying event leads to flashbacks, nightmares, and severe anxiety. But where PTSD
triggers fear-based reactions, PTED is a psychological reaction to negative life events that manifests as chronic embitterment. As mentioned in the Journal of Cognitive Psychotherapy, these negative life events are experienced as insulting or humiliating, while at the same time causing feelings of helplessness.
Bitterness isn’t necessarily a problem on its own. It’s a normal human response to unpleasant experiences, but it’s a temporary state that fades over time. Embitterment, on the other hand, is a deep-rooted resentment that becomes a dominant part of a person’s personality, and clouds their outlook on life. Unlike bitterness, which can be a passing emotion, embitterment is a long-term condition that significantly impacts mental health and personal relationships.
Internally, someone with PTED will experience overwhelming
feelings of resentment, frustration, and helplessness stemming from something that happened in the past, such as job loss, redundancy, a relationship breakup, or a crime. Other symptoms include intrusive thoughts, hyperarousal, feelings of dejection, phobic avoidance of places or people related to the negative event, suicidal ideation, and homicidal thoughts or fantasies.
From the outside, the person may act in a way that others categorise as angry, aggressive, uncooperative, and negative.
“Diagnosing PTED can be challenging,” says mental health specialist Yolande Parry, “because its symptoms, such as chronic bitterness and a sense of injustice, can overlap with other conditions like depression or PTSD.”
And because PTED is in the early stages of gaining recognition in the UK, your GP or even your therapist may be unaware of the diagnostic criteria. But the important
distinction here is that PTED isn’t a one-off burst of anger, but a long-term, repetitive, and seemingly inescapable cycle of resentment.
• Have experienced a deeply upsetting event that they felt was unfair or wrong.
• This event has caused a noticeable change in how they feel and act.
• They continue to feel bitter and resentful about what happened.
Thankfully, PTED is treatable, and there are some self-help tools that Yolande recommends, including mindfulness meditation, journaling, and physical exercise. “These activities help reduce stress, and provide a constructive outlet for processing emotions. Encouraging a focus on gratitude and positive experiences, even small ones, can gradually shift the focus away from bitterness. It’s also important to seek support from trusted friends, family, or support groups to avoid isolation.” >>>
PTED isn’t a one-off burst of anger, but a long-term, repetitive, and seemingly inescapable cycle of resentment
Whether or not you are officially diagnosed with PTED, getting support for feelings of anger and embitterment is a crucial step in recovery. A therapist may suggest a combination of cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) and trauma-focused therapies, with the aim of working through your issues from the past so that they no longer control the way you act and feel in the present.
“CBT helps individuals reframe their negative thoughts, and reduce the emotional charge associated with their experiences,” says Yolande. “Incorporating mindfulness practices can also be beneficial, encouraging clients to focus on the present rather than ruminating on past injustices.”
It’s worth noting, too, that research by Professor Michael Linden has uncovered traditional CBT benefits from some creative tweaks to support those with PTED. Professor Linden details this in the Journal of Cognitive Psychotherapy, stating that therapists must first focus on building a strong, trusting relationship with the patient without – and this is key – any pressure to change. They validate the person’s feelings of
injustice rather than challenging them head-on. Interestingly, they might even frame recovery as a form of ‘revenge’ against the offender – a paradoxical approach that can motivate change.
Therapists may also use indirect methods, like discussing hypothetical life problems, to subtly work on skills that shift their perspective. There’s a big emphasis on accepting difficult emotions and seeing the bigger picture, rather than just disputing negative thoughts, which can be invalidating. These adjustments help navigate the initial resistance to help, and create space for the intense feeling of being wronged, making therapy more effective for this specific set of symptoms.
Living with PTED can be incredibly lonely, due to the lack of external validation and perhaps outright denial of the injustice they have experienced. This means that showing empathy for their experiences is essential. Listen without judgement, and offer reassurance in the form of witnessing their pain.
“It’s important to acknowledge the person’s feelings and validate
their experiences,” says Yolande. “But also gently encourage them to focus on moving forward, rather than dwelling on past grievances.”
This might involve going to mindfulness classes together, or helping them find a trained therapist who can support them through their healing journey. The important thing is to help them recognise that while their feelings are real, so is the harmful impact of the disorder. While PTED can be a challenging condition, it’s certainly not a life sentence. By seeking support, practising selfcare, and working with trained professionals, a gradual shift in perspective and renewed sense of positivity is possible.
Fiona Fletcher Reid is a freelance writer and author, whose book, ‘Work It Out’ is available now (Welbeck Balance, £9.99). Visit fionalikestoblog.com for more.
Yolande Parry is a counsellor who focuses on ADHD, autism, and anxiety. Get in touch via the Counselling Directory.
Should you take your health into your hands and play detective to find out your food foes, or are allergy and intolerance tests just a fad?
Writing | Jenna Farmer
Is gluten a no-go? Are you ditching the dairy? Whether it’s digestion, brain fog, or headaches, we often can have a gut feeling that certain foods can worsen our symptoms. Some of us would go as far as to say we’re actually allergic or intolerant to food. With the BBC reporting that there was a 72% rise in hospital admissions for children as a result of anaphylaxis in England between 2013 and 2019, the headlines can certainly emphasise the increased risk of having an allergy these days. But the number of people who think they have an allergy or intolerance has increased even more – in fact, a study published in Jama Network Open suggests that up to 50% of people who think they have an allergy actually don’t.
So, why the rise? Well part of this is down to the terminology and misunderstandings of this; the words ‘allergy’ and ‘intolerance’ are mixed up all the time, but they’re actually very different.
“There is often much confusion around the terms allergy and intolerance,” says Dr Helen Evans-Howells, a GP who specialises in supporting adults and children with allergies. “An allergy is an abnormal response by the immune system, producing characteristic signs and symptoms. An intolerance is a reproducible, adverse reaction that does not involve the immune system.”
The other reason many more people believe they have an issue with certain foods is the boom in at-home allergy tests, which is now a billion dollar industry with a report by MarketsandMarkets suggesting it’s currently worth $5.3 billion (£4.03 billion), and expected to rise to $9.8 billion (£7.45 billion) by 2029. With many of us battling to get a GP appointment, or to be taken seriously when we do, an at-home kit can seem like a great solution. We can do it in the comfort of our own home, without invasive tests, or the need to fit in an appointment in
our schedule with our GP. But can they actually give us an accurate diagnosis?
Allergy tests work in several different ways, usually by either taking a small sample of your blood, or even a strand of your hair. You send this off in the post for analysis, and receive your results (such as a list of allergens or suspected food intolerances) a few weeks later. These tests vary from offering simple reports to having follow-up support from experts.
The jury’s still out on whether many at-home allergy tests are actually proven to work. When it comes to hair strands, the experts I asked agreed these aren’t worth trying. “Hair analysis has no scientific evidence and should be avoided,” says nutritional therapist Donna Peters. The NHS uses skin-prick tests to diagnose potential allergic >>>
reactions to certain triggers, but these can’t always be replicated in a home environment without advice, and it doesn’t recommend trying at-home tests for suspected food intolerances.
Some of the at-home kits claim to work by detecting levels of certain antibodies (like IgE and IgG) in our blood. These may be usually present in small amounts in the blood, but the theory is that when they are elevated, it could suggest your body is
actually overreacting to certain foods you are sensitive to or have allergies to (depending on the test you buy).
While this sounds scientific enough, these tests by themselves can’t tell us the full picture.
“Higher levels could be taken as an indication of a possible food intolerance, but it’s not a definite diagnosis, as false positives are commonly recorded,” explains Donna Peters.
UP TO 50% OF PEOPLE WHO THINK THEY HAVE AN ALLERGY ACTUALLY DON’T
According to Dr Evans-Howells, there can’t be a one-size-fits-all solution. “As all intolerances have a different mechanism, some of which are known and some not, there is no one blood test which is available which could possibly diagnose all intolerances. Equally, some forms of allergy are not picked up on the traditional IgE mediated blood test.”
If you are going to use these tests, both experts I spoke with advise you need to combine them with medical advice for them to be truly useful.
“There are some excellent home allergy tests, including one which I provide, but they are only interpretable in the light of an allergy focused history, so it is therefore vital that a careful history is taken beforehand to work out what the mechanism may be, and the appropriate management. Tests which claim they can diagnose all allergies and intolerances, are simply misleading – meaning people could end up inappropriately excluding food,” explains Dr Evans-Howells.
“While home allergy and intolerance testing kits could be helpful in a few cases, my preferred alternative is to work with a qualified nutrition practitioner to conduct an
elimination diet, where you eliminate a food which you suspect is causing issues for a set period with professional help, then gradually introduce in a control setting while monitoring for any adverse reactions,” says Donna Peters.
It’s important to understand the difference between an allergy and intolerance when seeking help, but the first step is to always gather as much information as possible and head to a professional. “Putting together a summary of the symptoms you have seen with various foods, along with photographs of reactions (if relevant), and taking this to your GP is a useful first step,” explains GP Dr Helen Evans-Howells.
For more information on allergies, visit allergyuk.org, or head to the Nutritionist Resource to connect with a professional for tailored support.
For allergic reactions, you may be referred to an allergy specialist, while if you suspect food sensitivities or intolerances, you may see a dietitian.
It’s important to not selfdiagnose an allergy, or assume you have a food sensitivity when it may actually have another cause. An example is gluten, where many individuals may stop eating the food, assuming they are intolerant. Coeliac disease, a condition where your immune system attacks your own tissues when you eat gluten, is different to being sensitive to gluten or wheat, and can only be diagnosed by your GP arranging a specific blood test for the condition, which requires you to be eating gluten before the test.
“It is important to also see your GP to rule out any other serious causes for your symptoms,” adds Dr Evans-Howells.
It’s clear that while allergy tests could give insight into our health, without the experts guiding us we shouldn’t play detective, and make big life and diet changes on our own. Like any health issue, the first step you should always take is to seek advice from a qualified professional.
Jenna Farmer is a freelance journalist who specialises in writing about gut health. She has Crohn’s disease, and blogs at abalancedbelly.co.uk
Can hypnotherapy help me overcome a fear of germs?
Solution-focused hypnotherapist Angela Brown answers your questions on hypnotherapy for mysophobia.
Read more about Angela on the Hypnotherapy Directory.
What is mysophobia and what are some of the symptoms?
AMysophobia is an extremely debilitating condition associated with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). Its other
Q QIs mysophobia the same as OCD?
AMysophobia and OCD are different conditions, but have some similarities. They can involve compulsions and obsessions to avoid germs and
Hypnotherapy
common names are germophobia, bacillophobia, and bacteriophobia, meaning a ‘pathological fear of contamination and germs’, as described by the Cleveland Clinic.
Clients will obsessively worry about contaminating themselves, and so carry
out avoidant behaviour to eliminate any risks. It may well interfere with a client’s dayto-day life, and the brain could encourage the client to carry out ritualistic behaviours, such as excessive hand washing, wearing gloves, and ceasing social interactions, which can lead to isolation.
contamination from germs. The behaviours cause a high level of anxiety, which often gets worse over time.
Clients with mysophobia are classified as clients with a specific phobia. Clients with OCD who have mysophobia often have intrusive ‘sticky
thoughts’ which play almost on a constant loop. The clients think they are helping relieve this stress and anxiety by following these thoughts, however, the opposite is true and they can actually increase it in a seemingly never-ending cycle.
QHow can hypnosis help me overcome my fear of germs?
ADuring a typical hypnotherapy session, we explain what is happening in the brain, and why we are convinced we need to avoid germs by carrying out this avoidant behaviour and ritualistic washing. We talk about the limbic system, which controls all our emotions, behaviours, and responses. Knowledge is power, and we help
clients understand that they have more control over how they think, feel, and behave than they realise they do. The hypnotherapy part at the end of the session consolidates information, as we have access to both brains and can make useful suggestions for the client’s benefit. Generally, clients feel more positive after the first session, and have a greater understanding of what is happening when our emotional and physical needs are out of balance – and what our brain does to compensate really helps the process.
tips for managing mysophobia day-to-day:
1. Box breathing or ‘take five’ breathing is brilliant at lowering the heart rate. This gives people time to make a solution-focused assessment of a situation before acting upon a thought.
2. Remember: thoughts without action generally only last about 90 seconds.
3. Put some Post-it notes up with some coping statements, such as: ‘This is a false alarm,’ ‘I am strong,’ ‘I can handle this,’ ‘Anxiety can’t hurt me,’ and ‘The more I face things the easier it becomes.’
You don’t owe anyone an explanation for your feelings. They’re valid as they are.
You can acknowledge negative thoughts, without having to agree or act on them.
XYour self-worth is not determined by the opinions of others.
Making a mistake doesn’t make you a mistake.
You deserve a break; you don’t have to ‘earn’ it.
It’s a treatment used by community nurses and celebrity masseuses alike, so what is lymphatic drainage and does it actually work?
Writing | Kathryn Wheeler
Its benefits are thought to include glowing skin, debloating, eased joints, and stress reduction, and it’s heralded by celebrities and influencers, along with sometimes being used to treat conditions such as rheumatoid arthritis, fibromyalgia, and chronic venous insufficiency (when the veins in your legs don’t work effectively). So, what exactly is lymphatic drainage, why do people turn to it, and do the results live up to the hype?
Lymphatic drainage, sometimes also known as manual lymphatic drainage, is a type of massage that is used to relieve painful swelling in your body caused by lymphoedema – a build-up of lymph fluid between the skin and muscle, which can happen when the lymphatic system is not working properly.
There are two types of lymphoedema, ‘primary lymphoedema’ refers to a genetic fault that affects the development of the lymphatic systems, and ‘secondary lymphoedema’ which happens when the lymphatic system has been damaged – perhaps as a result of cancer treatment, infection, injury, or a lack of limb movement. According to the NHS, the main symptom of lymphoedema is swelling –usually in the arms and legs. Other symptoms can include:
• An aching, heavy feeling
• Difficulty with movement
• Repeated skin infections
• Developing hard, tight or thickened skin
• Folds developing in the skin
• Wart-like growths developing on the skin
• Fluid leaking through the skin
It’s important to speak to a GP if you suspect you may have lymphoedema – particularly if it may be related to a treatment that you have received. Your medical team will then work on the next steps for controlling the symptoms, which may include wearing compression garments, lifestyle adjustments, and –notably – specialised massage techniques.
Lymphatic drainage shares similarities to other forms of massage, but with some key differences. Despite what you may imagine when you read the word ‘drainage’, it’s done with a lighter touch than regular massages. The practitioner follows a specific sequence that begins with the main drains in the body – these are in the lymph nodes in the neck, groin, >>>
Learn more about lymphatic drainage and connect with specialist professionals on the Therapy Directory.
and armpits. The lymphatic drainage has two steps: clearing (when your tissues release the lymph fluid) and reabsorption (when your lymph fluid moves into your lymph nodes). Afterwards, you may or may not notice an immediate difference but, with time, you should begin to feel some relief.
But, this is no new treatment. In fact, it was first used by Danish doctors Emil and Estrid Vodder in the 1930s for the treatment of immune disorders. At the time, the lymphatic system was not very well understood, and yet they found that rhythmic hand movements to promote lymph movement helped patients who had swollen lymph nodes. The technique was spread across Paris and, following World War II when they could return to Copenhagen, Emil and Estrid Vodder taught other Danish practitioners these techniques, which are still referred to today. And, right now, it’s going through a bit of a boom.
In a Guardian report from earlier in the year, it was found that one Los Angeles masseuse who specialises in lymphatic drainage had a waiting list of more than 2,300 people. Driven by celebrities like Kim Kardashian, Megan Fox, and Hailey Bieber – plus hordes of influencers and bloggers – lymphatic drainage has recently grown from a primarily medicalised practice to one with big promises when it comes to body sculpting.
There isn’t yet a definitive answer on whether or not lymphatic drainage works – both for the treatment of lymphoedema and for aesthetics – and studies show mixed results. In an analysis of seven systematic reviews and meta-analyses, a paper published in the British Journal of Community Nursing found that, while overall results indicated the
manual lymphatic drainage might reduce lymphoedema volume, the effects were not well established enough, the efficacy was often contradictory, and it’s addition to patient’s treatment plans may not always be necessary. While that gives an overall picture, there are cases where lymphatic drainage is more effective than others. For example, another review published in the Aesthetic Surgery Journal found that a manual lymphatic massage two to three times a week, for three to four weeks, was an effective way of supporting cosmetic surgery patients, aiding in reducing swelling and supporting their recovery. It has also become popular among athletes following sporting events, with a randomised controlled trial published in the Clinical Journal of Sports Medicine finding that athletes who received manual lymphatic
drainage showed better muscle recovery. Any weight-loss claims, however, are fictitious. All that said, it has been noted that some of the success of this treatment may be down to the placebo effect, in part linked to the relaxing and generally enjoyable nature of it.
In conclusion, more research is needed in order for us to have a better understanding of both the lymphatic system and lymphatic drainage treatments. But, while you should be cautious about expensive treatments that are overhyped by people who have something to gain (for example, influencers with sponsorship deals), lymphatic drainage does, in some cases, appear to make a difference for people recovering from certain illnesses. So, could this gentle, low-risk treatment work for you? You’ll have to sign up for some first-hand experience.
For times when you’re lost for words, keep these tips in mind
Writing | Caroline Butterwick
Whether a friend has broken up with their long-term partner, a colleague is losing their job, or a loved one has been diagnosed with a health condition, there are times when people share difficult news with us.
“Hearing someone else’s difficult news can bring up memories and feelings around our own experiences, and news about especially difficult things – like bereavements or a diagnosis – may be hard for the listener, especially if it touches on recent or unresolved grief,” explains counsellor Ruth Hill.
“Alternatively, if the news is a long way outside of our experience, it may feel shocking, perhaps even frightening, and leave us feeling disempowered.”
We may be unsure about how best to help, or feel awkward and uncomfortable. Here, we look at what to do when someone shares their difficult news with you.
“Giving the person your complete focus shows them what they have to say matters,” says Ruth. She recommends trying to find
somewhere quiet to have the conversation if possible. Avoid looking at your phone or other distractions. “Good eye contact, and relaxed non-verbal cues, such as leaning forward slightly, nodding, and using appropriate facial expressions that convey warmth and empathy, can put the person at ease.
“Acknowledging their feelings through statements helps people feel heard,” Ruth continues. Saying things like: ‘This sounds so difficult, I’m sorry you’re going through this right now, but I’m glad you’ve come to me.’ Encourage them to talk more if they want, as it will validate their experience.
Sometimes people need to vent, and other times they want solutions – so it’s best to ask how you can support them. Check whether they would like advice or just to share their experience. “Asking can offer the person a sense of being heard, and of autonomy and choice when they may feel overwhelmed, bringing them back to the present moment,” says Ruth.
“If they just want to share, active listening, empathising, and reflecting their feelings will be plenty, and once the person has shared, they may be happy to leave it there. If they want advice or need specific support, asking what they might need from you will give them space and encouragement to do that, and help you decide what next steps to take to support them.”
Accidentally minimising the person’s experience with comments like ‘At least…’ or, “It could have been worse” can invalidate their feelings and experiences.
Ruth also recommends trying to avoid offering unsolicited advice, or pushing the person into problem-solving before they feel ready. “They may already be overwhelmed, and a barrage of possibilities and solutions, without a good understanding of all the factors, can be unhelpful and make the person feel unheard,” she says.
“Try to avoid making yourself the focus of the conversation,” adds
Ruth. “Sharing similar experiences and empathising to show you understand can sometimes be helpful and welcome under the right circumstances. But, initially, it’s better to keep the focus on the person sharing. Having strong feelings in a moment like this is completely normal, but drawing focus to yourself by selfdisclosing, or becoming visibly upset, may make the person feel like they are not being heard, or that they now have to take care of you instead.”
Hearing someone’s difficult news can be challenging for anyone –it’s OK if you feel overwhelmed or emotional. It’s important to look
after yourself while being there for them.
Setting boundaries can help. “For example, it’s OK to say with kindness, ‘I only have 15 minutes, but I’m here now and want to listen,’ letting the person know you’re giving what you can, but also managing their expectations,” suggests Ruth. “While this might feel like it’s not the ‘right’ thing, being able to be fully present for 15 minutes may be better than spending 30 minutes with someone and becoming upset or unable to focus.”
Grounding techniques after the interaction can have a stabilising effect. Ruth recommends going for a walk, getting fresh air, or having something to eat or drink.
“If the news has brought up difficult feelings for you, it can be useful to reflect on these, taking some time to process the experience – perhaps by journaling or talking to someone yourself, be that a friend, a manager, or a therapist,” Ruth says, while emphasising the need to treat what you’ve been told with care.
Remember that someone choosing to talk to you about a difficult time shows they trust and value you, and that being there for them in whatever way you’re able will make a real difference.
Recognise the signs that a friendship has gone sour, and learn what to do if someone once close to you is feeling less like a cheerleader and more like your adversary
Writing | Michelle Elman
Have you ever heard the phrase: ‘With friends like that, who needs enemies?’ Perhaps this sentiment even hits a nerve because you know what it’s like to have a ‘friend’ in your life who doesn’t behave how a friend should, i.e. a person who is a ‘friend’ by name, but not by their actions.
Recently, Oprah Winfrey was discussing friendship dynamics, in particular jealousy, with philanthropist Melinda Gates, and her best friend, TV personality Gayle King. “You can’t really be friends with anybody who has a hint of jealousy about anything you are doing,” she said. “Certainly, about your success or your being celebrated, or anything that you have. You cannot. You have to distance yourself or cut that thing off.”
But a ‘frenemy’ can be about more than just an underlying sense of jealousy; it can be
competitiveness or resentment, or a general feeling that your self-esteem has taken a hit after spending time together. Perhaps you’ve been on the receiving end of their judgement. How you feel after spending time together is one of the first warning signs to pay attention to that signals a friendship is not all it’s cracked up to be.
The first time I noticed it in my own life was when I was writing my first book. I would occasionally go to lunch with friends and, on some days, I would return to my desk and want to have a nap, feeling unable to concentrate. Yet on other occasions, I would come back to write full of energy.
The people you choose to spend time with should be giving you energy, not draining it. The reasons for the latter could be the result of them spending the whole meal talking about themselves, or that when you shared a moment of joy, they pierced your excitement with
criticism, and an inability to be happy for you. It can very much feel like when you’re with them, your bubble bursts.
True friends need to be able to be there for you during both highs and your lows. They should share your happiness when you are winning, and be your biggest cheerleaders, as well as a shoulder to lean on, in hard times. Ideally, they hope for your wins as much as their own, and when it all goes wrong, and life comes crashing down, a friend should show up and be a source of support.
Of course, life is hectic and the timing of our needs doesn’t always align with others – or may even clash. There will be moments when you’re both going through awful life events, and so there’s little to no capacity to support each other, but the intention and care should remain. In communication, there should still be a wish that they could
do more, but are juggling their own crisis right now. It can be as simple as knowing you’re thinking of each other, even when you can’t be there physically. This communication can increase understanding between friends. It’s also why it’s important that your social network is larger than just one person, because as much as we care for our loved ones, we can’t always be there 24/7. By spreading out your support network amongst friends, it creates a relay-like race where friends can tag in and out, so you always have someone to turn to in
those tough moments.
As ideal as all this sounds, we know friendship is rarely this simplistic, and one of the largest reasons for this, I believe, is due to comparison. Without selfawareness, we can sometimes use our friends as a measuring stick to assess whether we’re doing ‘life’ well or not. We look at our peers to decide whether we are ‘ahead’ or ‘behind’, when the reality is everyone is on their own journey. This lack of self-awareness is what often creates these ‘frenemy’ relationships, because when a person’s self-esteem wavers, they
may resort to putting you down in order to get momentary relief for themselves. What we have to remember, though, is that you decide how you deserve to be treated. If you find yourself keeping a person around who puts you down, it’s time to set some boundaries. Saying something like, “Please don’t speak to me like that” or “I didn’t appreciate it when I told you about my promotion, and you belitted my salary increase” is the place you start, and while communicating directly can seem scary and intimidating at first, it’s the only solution.
The more we pretend a ‘friend’s’ words don’t hurt us and sweep the issue under the rug, the more we are adding fuel to the fire that will lead to an inevitable eruption. If you set boundaries, and they continue to overstep, it’s important to ask yourself whether this is a person you want in your life. Friendship breakups are stigmatised and taboo, but they are a necessary part of life. I believe it is a collective experience left unspoken because it is shrouded in shame, and that’s why I am lifting the lid on the topic of friendship breakups in my new book, Bad Friend: Why Friendship Breakups Hurt and How to Heal –due to be released in 2025.
Michelle Elman is an author, TEDx speaker, and five-board accredited life coach. Follow her on Instagram @michellelelman
How
Writing | Kathryn Wheeler
It’s the end of a long day at work. You’re drained from hours upon hours of standing to attention, making a good impression, and getting things done. Rather than returning home and going through the usual motions, you step into a fantastical world of magic, monsters, and mystery. Alongside your rag-tag team, you’re no longer the person you were earlier in the day – instead, you’re someone completely different, and you’re ready to take up the call to adventure that comes your way.
Welcome to the world of tabletop role-play gaming, a hugely popular pastime that immerses players in another world. There are many examples of such games, but by far the most popular is Dungeons and Dragons (DnD) – with games company Wizards of the Coast estimating there are more than 50 million players worldwide.
Created in 1974, players take on fantasy adventures, led by their ‘Dungeon Master’ – another player who takes on the role of storyteller and guides the play. Players choose their class, which comes with different abilities, and dice rolls are used to determine the outcome of their desired actions as they face different challenges.
But it appears that tabletop roleplaying isn’t just a passing thrill, and there may be something deeper at play. In a review published in the International Journal of Mental Health and Addiction, researchers were intrigued by the rapid growth of interest in role-playing games during the Covid pandemic, and curious about the impact it has on our wellbeing. They pointed to evidence that DnD helped players cope with internal conflict and stress, as well as decreased player’s social anxiety. In another study, published in Australian
Psychologist, researchers looked at 13 players who were recovering from mental health difficulties and observed that players tended to link their play with their wellbeing, using it as a space to build relationships and safely engage with mental health challenges.
Clare Patterson is an integrative transpersonal psychotherapist, who recognises the potential for role-playing games to support our wellbeing. “Increasingly, our lives appear to be dictated to us by others – we are told how to fit in and what the ‘rules’ of society are. These, sadly, do not include exploring abandoned ruins, fighting dragons, or taking down powerful leaders,” Clare says. “Games like DnD, therefore, might be seen as a way for us to express our healthy rebellion and sense of freedom and adventure in a world that does not always allow for it. This can feel quite wonderful and liberating.” >>>
Beyond this, Clare points to three other key benefits of role-playing games:
Self-discovery. “It may be that there are parts of us we feel unable to express in our daily lives because of fear of judgement, or perhaps because we simply never have the chance. What can we learn about ourselves from how we behave in the game?”
Relaxing and having fun. “Games like DnD give us the opportunity to let go of other’s rules and expectations, and simply enjoy ourselves, which is vital for our health and wellbeing. It is our chance to switch off from thinking, planning, and ‘doing’, which deplete our energy and leave us feeling drained and unmotivated.”
Connection. “DnD is a game we play with others, meaning it
gives us a chance to connect and socialise, which has a positive impact on our nervous system. As humans, we are hardwired for connection and without this, it can be easier for us to sink into feelings of loneliness or even depression.”
Todd Philps has been playing DnD for almost 10 years, and has experienced many of the benefits Clare mentions. “It’s an amazing blend of social interaction, creativity, and tactical play – and every session feels like I am discovering something new, like exploring a vast open world with no restrictions,” he says.
But Todd can also trace the ways DnD has specifically supported his wellbeing. “The main thing I can say is that it has made me a more confident and collaborative
To find out more about Todd and Community DnD, follow @earth_ former_games on Instagram
person,” he says. “Like many people in this hobby, I’m naturally quite introverted, so I have at times found it hard to put myself out there. When you play DnD, you find yourself being put on the spot quite a lot, and you just have to keep going, even if at times it’s difficult to do so.
“Having an environment where this happens, and there are no real ramifications if you make a mistake, has built up my tolerance to pressure in ‘the real world’, and I’ve seen my confidence, assertiveness,
and ability to hold an engaging conversation grow in my personal and professional life because of it. Feeling yourself growing as a person is extremely rewarding and has helped with my mental health hugely.”
And Todd has continued to spread the benefits of roleplaying when, in 2022, he started Community DND – running games for people around the world as a way to give those who might struggle to find a game a safe and inclusive place to do so.
“In the two years since I started running these adventures, I’ve played with 67 people from 12 countries, and they’ve all been so much fun to play alongside,” he says. “I always say that each month I bring the DnD, but my players bring the community –and that’s what it’s all about!”
Todd’s personal experience shares similarities with a study
published in the Journal of Behavior Therapy and Experimental Psychiatry, which found that roleplaying scenarios from another’s perspective can reduce negative self-beliefs among people with social anxiety. And while taking that initial step to join a group can be intimidating, there is plenty to gain on the other side.
“The game could be viewed as a metaphor for life,” Clare says. “There is a dungeon master (an authority), characters (other people) and scenarios (life situations). Some things we get to choose and others are chosen for us (through rolling a dice or by the dungeon master). One thing that ought to be true to life, too, is the collaboration and support we get from one another. Players look out for and help each other, leading to potentially strong feelings of comradeship and unity.”
I've seen my confidence and assertiveness grow in my personal and professional life
So, are you ready to take up the call to adventure? You may find you defeat much more than just dragons on your way.
Clare Patterson is an integrative transpersonal psychotherapist and Reiki practitioner. Reach out via the Counselling Directory.
How to see through the corporate fakery and spot these eco red flags
Writing | Kathryn Wheeler
The people have spoken: green is in. In a recent survey by YouGov, it was found that 82% of UK consumers believe that businesses have a responsibility to protect the environment, and 75% are willing to pay more for sustainable products. They’re compelling figures, and ones that could urge many businesses to take steps to improve the sustainability of their products – but, equally, could encourage others to jump on the bandwagon without doing the work to truly improve their impact on the environment.
‘Greenwashing’ refers to when a business gives the false impression that its products or business practices are ‘green’, in order to cash in on environmentally conscious shoppers. And it’s a real problem. In an anonymous survey of almost 1,500 CEOs and C-Suite leaders, conducted by the Harris Poll for Google Cloud, more than half (58%) admitted their companies were guilty of greenwashing. At the same time, another poll from KPMG found that 54% of consumers say that they would stop buying from a company if they were
found to be misleading in their sustainability claims.
So, how can you learn to read between the lines when it comes to sustainability promises? We’ve got some vital tips.
Sometimes called ‘green labelling’, vague language such as ‘green’, ‘eco-friendly’, or ‘sustainable’, without details of what precisely it is that makes that product or practice so, could be a red flag. There is no legal regulation around using this kind of language, and businesses are not required to demonstrate how their product lines up with this claim in order to use it in product descriptions. So, if you see this kind of thing being thrown around, but struggle to find actual details of the work behind it, it could be a sign that the claim is surface deep.
One spot where greenwashing often crops up is on packaging. They might use some of the ‘green labelling’ words, but it can also be seen in the design choices. Think
shades of green and neutral colours – plus, ‘rustic’ looking packaging, or images of grass, leaves, or general greenery. This look is designed to convey the impression of sustainability and environmentally-friendly practices, and it’s a lot faster and simpler to change up the colour pallet than it is to enforce long-term strategies to make a real-world impact. So, it’s one to watch out for, as the packaging isn’t always reflective of what’s inside. Sometimes it doesn’t deliver what’s implied on the tin.
Another common greenwashing tactic, ‘greencrowding’ refers to when companies link up with other organisations – that do make real efforts to reach environmental goals – while actually doing very little themselves, or making very slow progress. This is usually done in a ‘crowd’, with the company joining many others in the ‘movement’. Because there are then so many operating under the same collaboration, it’s easier to hide the actual impact that the individual companies are having.
You’ve probably seen examples of companies shifting their environmental responsibilities on to the consumer in an act that’s referred to as ‘greenshifting’. For example, think about energy companies that encourage their customers to be aware of their personal carbon footprint –despite being huge contributors themselves. Other times, companies might blame ‘demand’ for irresponsible or unethical practices – shifting the blame onto consumers, in order to protect the illusion of their environmental values.
Have you read that certain packaging is ‘recyclable’ but, when it actually comes down to it, it’s not made of a material that is widely recycled – or only certain components are able to be processed? It’s a fairly common problem, as a recycling label is a great marketing tool. If buying products that come in fully recyclable packaging is important to you, do some research on what different symbols mean (recyclenow.com is a good resource for this), and also check your local council website for guidance around what materials are accepted in your recycling bin.
Say you’re looking for a new water bottle: the packaging rages about the fact it’s made of fully recycled materials but, on closer
inspection, you realise that refers to the box it came in, not the water bottle itself. That’s an example of a misdirection or partial truth. Another way this happens is when a company highlights one aspect of its process which is sustainable – such as clothing made of biodegradable materials – and not another, such as the impact of international shipping due to importation.
It can take some digging to get to the bottom of things, meaning that seeing the bigger picture can be tricky. Some companies publish sustainability reports which are available to the public, and can be a great resource for assessing whether your values align. But, when the truth isn’t so apparent, use these six warning signs to assess if what you’re being sold really stacks up.
Exploring why reaching ‘mid-life’ can be such a period of anxiety and uncertainty, and how to reframe our perspective to find a clear path forward
Mid-life crises are often parodied in the media by the idea of a middleaged man buying a new HarleyDavidson he will hardly ever use. But this cliché does a disservice to a problem that impacts us, regardless of gender. For many people, this period of life can be a time of regret, remorse, uncertainty, and anxiety. It’s at this point, typically between the ages of 40 and 65, when we are forced to come to terms with the fact that our time on the planet is past its halfway point. This can come with a disturbing degree of disappointment. We have thoughts like: Is this it? Is this all I’ve achieved? What am I going to do with the rest of my life? The trigger is often a significant life changing event – be that a divorce, losing your job, the loss of a loved one, or children flying the nest, leaving you with a feeling of redundancy and a lack of purpose. It can also coincide with the realisation that the covert contract between us and the world – that if we act correctly and with good
intentions then things will work out just fine – wasn’t actually signed by both parties. The good news is that going through this phase is completely natural, and it is possible to change your perspective of mid-life, to view things in a different and more positive way.
Mid-life is best seen as a period of reflection and re-evaluation.
The Hindu tradition has the useful concept of ‘Ashrama’ which are the four phases of life: brahmacharya (the student life, 0–25 years) which is the stage of learning; grihastha (the housebuilder life, 25–45 years) where we go through a stage of accumulation, settling down and building a home; vanaprastha (the reflecting life, 45–70 years), the phase of reflection and repurposing; and finally, sannyasa (the renounced life, 70+ years) where we start our return to where we’ve come from.
As you will notice, mid-life overlaps neatly with the third
Steve Maher is a consultant, professional coach, psychotherapist, and writer. Connect with him via the Life Coach Directory. STEVE
stage, the reflecting life, which may be why these troublesome questions start to appear in our heads. We likely have the house, the car, the family, and the job that everyone expects of us, and yet there remains a gap, a void, an emptiness. Something is missing. And this is where men and women differ slightly in the realisation of the need to repurpose – possibly to do with biological clocks. The onset of menopause comes as a signal to women that change is on its way, and adaptation is required. For men, there is no such signal, other than an aching back or gout. This can be why the mid-life shock hits men harder. They often don’t see it coming and react differently. This could be by drinking more, or buying status symbols that may or may not be suitable.
So how can we look at mid-life differently? A great place to start is by understanding our values – these are the things that are most important to us in life. The values exercise I use with clients contains more than 100 possible options, such as family, friendship, integrity,
freedom, and achievement. This seemingly simple task can be both challenging and hugely rewarding, because many people have never taken the time to think about what really matters most to them. Much like when you are lost, you need some sort of navigation device to help you find the way, feeling lost (as can be the case with a midlife crisis) requires a map or a
compass (AKA your values) to help give you direction for your future. To begin finding your values, think back to when you felt most content, and fulfilled. Writing down what springs to mind is a useful approach. Look to capture what you were doing, who you were sharing the experience with, and why that meant a lot to you. Identify the common themes, qualities, and virtues you felt or experienced. These will be a good indicator of your values. It can also be helpful to explore and discuss these experiences in more depth with someone else.
Once your values are understood, it’s then about reorienting life towards them, and overcoming the fear of stepping out of longestablished patterns of behaviours or beliefs. For example, if travel and excitement are in your top five, but you’ve spent your last five holidays in Benidorm, maybe it’s time to dig out the atlas and choose somewhere new to explore.
Resolving the mid-life crisis doesn’t have to be about making huge changes, although that may be required for some. Rather, it’s about making incremental changes to your life, to ensure it’s heading in the right direction in a more purposeful way, that may have been lost over time on life’s journey.
Struggling to decide what to cook for your vegetarian friends at a Sunday roast? Look no further than this delicious nut roast recipe. When I first moved to the UK from Sweden, I’d never heard of it and thought it sounded odd –
Vegetarian nut roast
Serves 6–8
Mushroom mix
• 340g mushrooms
• 1 onion
• 1 medium-sized red pepper
just one of many unfamiliar foods I encountered here.
But, over time, I’ve come to appreciate this dish. It’s rich, flavourful, and satisfying, pleasing both vegetarians and meat-eaters alike. Plus, the leftovers are fantastic! Many
• Oil
• Salt
• Black pepper
• 2 cloves of garlic
• 1 tsp each of thyme, basil, tarragon, marjoram, and sage
• 100ml red wine
steps can be prepared in advance, and a food processor makes the prep even easier. The recipe is also versatile – you can easily swap out the herbs, mushrooms, or nuts to suit your taste. It’s simple to halve the recipe, too, so extremely flexible to your needs.
Rice mix
• 125g cups of cooked brown rice (about 125g uncooked)
• 200g walnuts
• 175g cashews
• 5 eggs
• 250 ml cottage cheese
• 340g grated cheese – parmesan, gruyere, cheddar, fontina, smoked, or any combination
• One handful of fresh basil or other fresh herbs
Method
1. Preheat the oven to 175°C.
2. Use a food processor to chop the mushrooms into small pieces.
3. Chop the onion and pepper. Fry in oil or butter until soft.
4. Add the chopped mushrooms and a pinch of salt and pepper. Fry for a few minutes until the mushrooms release their juices and become soft.
5. Add the minced garlic and dried herbs, and continue to cook. When the pan begins to dry out, add the wine and let it simmer so the liquid is almost gone. The mixture should still be moist, but not swimming in liquid.
6. Remove the pan from the heat and let it rest.
7. Take a large bowl and mix the rice and chopped nuts together, then stir in the beaten eggs and the cottage cheese.
8. Add the cooled mushrooms with the grated cheese and chopped fresh herbs and mix well together.
9. Taste for seasoning.
10. Line two loaf tins with parchment paper and make sure the paper goes over the edge, as it makes it easier to lift out once cooked.
11. Fill the loaf tin with the nut mixture and bang it a few times on the counter to make sure there are no air pockets.
12. Decorate with sliced mushrooms and bake in the oven for 50–60 minutes.
13. Remove from the oven and let cool for 10 minutes before lifting out of the tin.
14. Serve with your favourite roast veggies, green beans, and a mushroom sauce. Add mashed potatoes and swedes on the side for the ultimate autumnal Sunday lunch.
The healthy bit
Mushrooms are a key ingredient in this recipe, providing that rich umami flavour that makes it a satisfying meat alternative. Mushrooms are truly a superfood, and naturally rich in vitamin D – a crucial nutrient for maintaining strong bones and a healthy immune system. Researchers found that wild chanterelles contain an impressive 29.82μg of vitamin D per 100g, compared to just 0.21μg in regular white button mushrooms. The key difference is sunlight exposure. To boost vitamin D levels in shop-bought mushrooms, simply place them in the midday sun for 15–20 minutes – this can increase their vitamin D content to around 10μg per 100g, but may depend on the time of year. For maximum vitamin D, chop your mushrooms and place them gill-side up, as this position enhances their vitamin D formation.
Mushrooms are also packed with antioxidants like selenium, and anti-inflammatory and antitumour compounds that help fight disease. They’re a great source of
prebiotics, which are essential for maintaining a healthy gut. Nuts add a bit of crunch and contain micronutrients, such as potassium and magnesium, and are also a good source of fibre. Walnuts are rich in neurosupportive compounds, including folate, melatonin, vitamin E, and polyphenols – all beneficial for mental health. Cashews are rich in copper, which supports the immune system, aids in blood cell formation, and promotes healthy skin by boosting collagen production. They also provide magnesium, which may help prevent memory loss, and are a good source of protein.
Cottage cheese is a fantastic addition, packing high protein with low fat. It’s also rich in magnesium, calcium, and potassium, which help prevent bone-related diseases like osteoporosis, while calcium can also reduce the risk of colorectal cancer.
The eggs in this dish serve as a binder, but they’re also a nutrient powerhouse, packed with essential vitamins and minerals like Vitamin A, B12, selenium, and choline – all crucial for energy and mood. This meal is perfect for a cosy lunch or dinner when autumn winds are blowing. It’s warm, delicious, and not too heavy, making it a hit with everyone. My family loves it!
Elisabeth Carlsson is a nutritional therapist with a special interest in women’s health. Visit the Nutritionist Resource for more insight.
Why interoception could be the most effective tool to support the emotional wellbeing of the next generation, and how to encourage them to develop it
Writing | Tanith Carey
Afew months ago, I asked my daughter Lily, a 21-year-old student, if she’d ‘like’ a few of my book Instagram posts because I could do with a bit more engagement. No, she replied. She’d decided to give herself a month-long break from social media, and had deleted her Instagram app.
Was I disappointed she couldn’t give my social media posts a boost? Not a bit. As I read her message, I virtually punched the air.
When I saw Lily, she explained that she had noticed how stressed the comparison culture on social media was making her feel. Apart from how it made her heart race and gave her eye strain, she also realised how it was bringing up anxious feelings – and so decided to do something about it, and felt happier and calmer as a result.
Quite naturally, Lily was using something called ‘interoception’ – a word that effectively means being able to interpret and understand the signals our body gives in relation to external stimuli, and how they relate to
our feelings. Dubbed the ‘eighth sense’, it’s an evidence-based concept which encourages us to notice these internal signs first, like rapid breathing, body tension, quickening heartbeat, or moistening palms, and what they tell us. We can then take steps to meet the underlying need, and emotionally regulate. And as more research supports its usefulness, as a parenting author, I believe it’s the most powerful tool we have for creating a generation of more self-aware children, able to adapt and support their own emotions.
Though the term was first coined in 1906, by British physiologist Charles Sherrington in his book The Integrative Action of the Nervous System, it’s increasingly coming to the fore with the growing interest in somatic and bodyfocused therapy, and is now one of the fastest moving areas in neuroscience and psychology. Coming across it has made me think of how much easier my parenting journey would have been had I known about
it, especially when considering milestones like entering the digital sphere. According to a 2023 report by Ofcom, by the age of 12, 97% of children have their own mobile phone. Whether it’s for their safety and to ensure we’re always contactable, or because we’re worried they’ll miss out, bringing technology, easy access to the internet, and social media into their lives is a challenge we have to navigate, trying to set boundaries with rules and apps. Too often it turns into the battle we feared it would be; the constant feeling that we have to nag and cajole them to put their phones away and engage with other activities in the real-world. But when children learn interoception, they are more able to notice for themselves when the constant interruptions of notifications and comparison culture of social media make them feel sucked in, tired, stressed, or overstimulated.
While the use of interoception was pioneered among parents
and professionals to support kids with sensory processing, it’s increasingly being recognised as a method to help all children – and indeed adults.
Beyond screen time, training your children in interoception has a dizzying array of benefits. Let’s take anxiety, with the Anxiety and Depression Association of America suggesting that anxiety disorders affect 31.9% of teens between 13 and 18 years old. Studies, such as 2021 research in Personality and Individual Differences, have actually noted that people experiencing anxiety tend to be more aware of their bodily sensations, but the issue is catastrophising and misinterpreting what they mean. Often the symptoms of anxiety, such as shallow breathing, a dry mouth, or a rapid heartbeat, can be mistaken for signs they are in terrible danger, leading to issues like panic attacks, as well as social and school avoidance.
So, an important element is connecting the recognition of sensations with an accurate understanding of emotions. When they can work out how the inputs from their senses are making them feel, kids can then take steps to ground themselves, whether it’s by utilising breathwork or grounding exercises. >>>
Indeed, a recent study in The Lancet found that autistic students were twice as likely to recover from anxiety disorders after three months of interoceptive training, compared to a control group, because they learned to recognise the physiological changes in their bodies which wrongly led their brains to tell them that something terrible was about to happen. After they learned to monitor their bodies, 31% were considered to be in ‘functional recovery’. While further studies with more participants will be needed to confirm links, there is a growing body of research finding that interoception can support a variety of other conditions. As an example, a 2022 study, published in Brain Sciences, reviewed the impact of interoception techniques on university students, and found it had the potential to decrease suicidal ideation and eating disorder symptoms.
How do we teach interoception?
As with most things in parenting, the best way to teach kids interoception is to demonstrate the behaviour yourself. You can do this by tapping into your own bodily sensations, linking them to how you feel, and talking to your child about what you are experiencing in your body.
A few ideas on ways to model this habit include saying to your toddler something as simple as: ‘I notice that when I breathe deeply, I feel calmer.’ On the way to school, you could say to your child: ‘I notice that when I haven’t had enough breakfast, my
tummy rumbles and I feel grumpier.’ For teens, you could say: ‘I’ve really noticed how my mind feels happier, because I only used my phone to play music, rather than scrolling, while I worked.’
When it comes to encouraging your child to engage with interoception, here are a few pointers:
• Ask them questions. As they are learning about feelings in their preschool years, whenever they seem to be feeling a strong emotion, pause to ask them where they are feeling it. Ask them to locate it in their body, and describe the colour or shape. Showing them how to regulate their feelings from an early age will be a life-long gift for them – and for you as a parent, because you will likely be dealing with fewer tantrums and melt-downs.
responses, they find it easier to regulate those responses.
• Suggest kids draw themselves. This allows them to pinpoint where the sensation they are feeling is inside them, and what it looks like – is it a fuzzy red feeling in their chest that’s making them feel angry? Or something solid and blue in their throat that’s making them feel stuck and frustrated? This is supported by research published in Scientific Reports in 2024, which suggests that when people are able to see external representations of their bodily
• Make a body scan a regular part of their bedtime routine. To do this, lie down with your child and invite them to imagine a scanner moving up their body, going from their toes to the top of their heads. Ask them to describe how each part feels – whether heavy, light, tingly, cold, warm, relaxed, or tight, or anything else they can think of. Encourage them to name those sensations, and accept them without judgement. After all, our bodies are always speaking. The time has come for us to help our children listen.
Tanith Carey is a parenting writer and award-winning journalist, who’s authored 11 books, and is currently training for her master’s in Gestalt psychotherapy.
From a comforting collection of poems, to a paper-crafting project book that will inspire you to get your craft on, we have four books promising to inspire you
Writing | Lauren Bromley-Bird
Colour plays a huge part in our lives, and this was especially known by fashion icon and designer, Iris Apfel. This incredible woman, who made an impression in the fashion industry with her eclectic personal style, which she used as
I wish I Knew by
Donna Ashworth
I Wish I Knew is the companion that will provide muchneeded comfort when you’re having ‘one of those days’. Based on the lessons that author Donna Ashworth learned from reaching rock bottom herself, this book is a moving collection of poems that guides you through topics such as body image, self-esteem, and mental health, with both compassion and kindness.
Colourful by Iris
Apfel
a symbol of individuality and selfexpression, sadly passed away this year at the remarkable age of 102. Her book, Colourful, which she finished just before she died, is a beautiful testament to her life-long work in fashion, filled with her life stories, creative works, and untold adventures. Let her teachings inspire you to live boldly, and experiment with colours that reflect you.
Unique Projects in Paper to Cut, Fold, and Create by Hattie
Newman
You might think of paper-crafting as a folding activity you did as a child at school, but it’s so much more! Hattie Newman is an incredible paper artist whose colourful creations have been used in adverts for companies such as The Guardian, NSPCC, and Lacoste, and she’s created a step-by-step guidebook for you to create fun paper projects, too.
A Recipe for Every Day of the Year by
Francesca Huntingdon
The changing of the seasons offers us new experiences to savour, particularly in the kitchen, where there are fresh ingredients and a delicious array of flavours to experiment with. Loaded with scrumptious recipes, take your tastebuds on a culinary adventure they will thank you for, through the magic of seasonal cooking.
Beyond our award-winning monthly magazine, our shop hosts a range of creative items, designed to inspire, engage, entertain, and empower you, including:
Anti-anxiety guided journal
Self-reflection guide
Reflect & flourish: affirmation cards
Winds of change: 3-piece artwork collection
Question of thought: puzzle booklet
DIY self-care booklet
From our print journals helping you gain a deeper understanding of your true self, to our digital downloads featuring uplifting sentiments and actionable advice, continue your wellbeing journey with us.
Uncovering the reality of living with this chronic, and often misunderstood, condition
They say be careful what you wish for, and I can attest to the fact that having your wish granted can come with unexpected consequences. Following a myriad of health oddities that were just not adding up, my deepest desire was to understand what was happening, and get answers. Then, at the end of last year, I was diagnosed with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS).
The journey to receiving my diagnosis was fraught with challenges – from stereotypes and misinformation, to medical ignorance. And while finally finding out what I was dealing with brought some relief and treatment potential, the
According to the WHO, while PCOS affects 8–13% of reproductive-age women worldwide, as many as 70% of women may be undiagnosed
misconceptions surrounding PCOS and others’ lack of awareness and understanding, added to the burden. So, here I’m breaking down six myths around PCOS, to set the record straight about this often misrepresented condition.
Some people think PCOS is merely surface level – a condition that causes excess hair growth in unwanted places, and that plucking, waxing, or shaving that will resolve the issue. What’s there to complain about?
This couldn’t be more wrong. PCOS is no minor ailment; it rules most of my life. It can come with fatigue, bloating, sickness, nausea, pain, and the risk of developing health conditions such as diabetes, alongside risks of infertility. It impacts your hormone levels, and can result in metabolic, sleep, skin, and hair issues. Trying to manage external symptoms, such as unwanted hair growth, merely addresses one surface concern, and doesn’t deal with the vast array of underlying health implications that seriously impact your life.
Myth 2: People with PCOS are lazy, or using it as an excuse.
Chronic conditions impact your daily life and routine; alongside the physical implications and symptoms to manage, you have the mental drain of always ‘being prepared’ and planning around it. For me, this can be ensuring I have essentials in my handbag, leaving the party early, and organising appointments around work. That element of constantly ‘managing’ my condition has an extra cost, physically, emotionally, and economically.
While PCOS is a chronic condition, the Equality Act 2010 doesn’t explicitly list it, however the impact that it has on a person’s life can still qualify them for protection under the law. It is certainly not something a person would use as an excuse.
This is definitely the case for me; my fatigue is hideous, which not only makes me feel awful, but also guilty when I don’t have the energy to do everything others can. With socialising, I can’t always join in, or enjoy it. My self-esteem is impacted by the hair loss, and even just staying awake can be a struggle. And the additional effort of planning, attending, and joining in, is often underestimated. I am not lazy – it takes a lot of work to make everything look seamless.
Myth 3: PCOS can be cured.
This misinformation can be particularly rife on social media, with influencers, often notably in sponsored ads, claiming that they completely healed their PCOS simply by eating better, or with the right supplement.
While there’s no doubt that diet and lifestyle changes can help to manage the condition, and reduce the impact of symptoms, there is no current ‘cure’ for PCOS. I myself have changed my diet, and it has been wonderful; I feel a lot better, and my lost hair seems partly to be restoring itself. But the symptoms are still there, underneath it all.
PCOS causes hormonal imbalances, which, in turn, can disrupt ovulation as your body requires the right hormones to tell it to release an egg
According to the World Health Organization, while PCOS affects 8–13% of reproductive-age women worldwide, as many as 70% of women may be undiagnosed, while Verity PCOS UK reports that 95% encountered problems trying to access NHS support. Additionally, a 2017 study by the Perelman School of Medicine at the University of Pennsylvania reported it takes, on average, two years to diagnose, with a third of women seeing at least three different healthcare professionals. This is by no means a suggestion that doctors aren’t trying to support you, but simply to trust your own awareness of your body when you feel something is wrong.
I personally know the difficulty of getting an accurate diagnosis, and the anguish of feeling like you’re not being listened to. Initially, I endured an unpleasant ultrasound to be told I couldn’t possibly have PCOS, only to have this reversed by a different professional six months later. Part of the issue with PCOS is that symptoms can overlap with other conditions, but also there are four types – insulin-resistant, inflammatory, hidden-cause, and pull-induced PCOS – so things like the ultrasound aren’t guaranteed to pick it up when there’s so much nuance to it.
This is perhaps one of the most common misunderstandings of what it means to have PCOS, and perpetuating this false narrative can increase fear and anxiety for those who are newly diagnosed. But the good news is that while PCOS can affect fertility, many people with the condition can, and do, get pregnant.
PCOS causes hormonal imbalances, which, in turn, can disrupt ovulation as your body requires the right hormones to tell it to release an egg. Therefore, those with PCOS may struggle more than some to conceive naturally, or take longer to do so as ovulation is required for conception. However, there are numerous treatment options and medications which can support the body to ovulate, and to manage the condition more generally. Additionally, there are other options to support your fertility journey, such as intrauterine insemination (IUI), and in vitro fertilisation (IVF), along with other routes to grow your family, such as fostering, adoption, or surrogacy.
While there are undoubtedly physical symptoms to contend with, one of the things I’ve struggled with is the psychological and emotional side. For me, PCOS means that there are raised levels of the traditionally labelled ‘male’ hormone testosterone in my bloodstream, resulting in facial hair growth around my jawline and mouth, as well as hair loss – I have maybe three quarters of the hair I had before. This, combined with not knowing what the future may or may not hold with regards to my child-bearing possibilities, weighs heavy on my mind. I felt like a failure, trapped by a despair I’d never known. Yet this wasn’t talked about – I had to refer myself to an additional service for help, which resulted in a diagnosis of severe depression and anxiety. Society places so much pressure and expectations on women and their role in creating life, along with the stereotypes around femininity, that I was made me feel like a failure as a woman in their eyes. I sought holistic treatment privately to address my shattered sense of self – which did wonders for my mental health. Women and their roles in society should not be defined by procreation or aesthetics. When you’re already coming to terms with a chronic condition, and how to manage it, the psychological effect cannot be ignored. In treating any illness, we must look holistically, and support people from all angles to ensure their overall wellbeing is cared for.
Learn how to spot key signs of abuse and to navigate the difficult conversations that follow
Writing | Tracie Couper
There are certain conversations that are not your relaxed, everyday exchanges. One of those has got to be the one you have with a friend, relative, or colleague who you fear may be in an abusive relationship.
Given that one in four women will experience domestic abuse, it’s not unlikely that any one of us could find ourselves wondering if we should be confronting the subject. We may feel worried for a friend’s safety and naturally want to protect them, but also have doubts: ‘What if I’m wrong? What if I’ve totally misread the situation? I’m worried that if I suggest their relationship is unhealthy in any way, I may cause offense, hurt, embarrassment, or ruin our friendship.’
The fact is, many victims of domestic abuse will be suffering in silence. Giving them the opportunity to open up and seek support is vital. Here’s how...
Spot the signs
Not all abuse is obvious, or takes the form of bruises or a black eye. Emotional and economic abuse, for example, are not so easy to spot. If someone is experiencing emotional abuse, such as being
constantly ‘put down’ or shamed, they may be withdrawn, feel isolated, or lack the confidence they once had. The telltale signs may include them not wanting to meet up, or not replying to messages.
“If the power dynamic in the relationship seems ‘off’, that could indicate coercive control,” explains Frances Rahman, head of young women and girls services at domestic abuse charity Advance. “For example, if their partner seems to exercise control over who they see, what they wear, where they go, how much money they have, and what they spend it on.
“This could reveal itself by them saying things like: ‘I’ll have to ask my partner. I don’t like to do anything without their say-so.’ Or: ‘Sorry, I can’t. I don’t have the money. My partner looks after our finances.’”
Try to choose your words carefully
So, you’re sure enough to broach the subject. But how? Firstly, it’s essential that you come from a place of non-judgement. It might be tempting to say something like: “The way they spoke to you just now was unacceptable. You
can’t let them get away with that.”
Bear in mind that your friend might be in a very protective headspace about their partner, and the fallout from this approach wouldn’t be good for them or your friendship.
If your friend is experiencing emotional abuse, their partner may be trying to isolate them from friends and family, which creates further dependence on them and the relationship. They may be telling your friend things like: ‘Why do you see that friend? They’re no good for you.’ You don’t want to inadvertently confirm in your friend’s mind what their partner is trying to make them believe.
Frances says: “Go in gently, and non-specific, with a question like: ‘How are you doing?’ Or: ‘Are you OK? You didn’t seem like yourself the other day?’”
and patience
It is crucial to speak in private, and in a safe space. Keep in mind that your friend may not open up to you straight away. You may be so worried for them that your instinct is to say: “Right, I’m going to pack a bag for you and you’re leaving now.” This may not be what they want, especially if
• Call 999 if there is immediate danger.
• You can access Refuge’s 24-hour National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247
• If you are in the London Tri-borough of Hammersmith and Fulham, Kensington and Chelsea, and Westminster, call 0800 059 0108 or email angelou@advancecharity. org.uk. For more about Advance’s work, visit advancecharity.org.uk
coercive control is involved in the abuse. This form of domestic abuse can leave the victim/ survivor feeling dependent on their abuser, incapable of living without them.
Leaving an abusive partner is a process. It can take time for someone to recognise that they are being abused, and even longer to make decisions about what to do. According to Refuge, it takes an average of seven attempts before a woman is able to leave an abusive relationship for good.
point where they are ready to take the next step, and you can help them do that.
Your role as a friend is to be there, and to let them know that. The hope is that they will get to the
Try asking: “Have you thought about speaking to someone? I’m happy to be with you when you call.” When they’re ready, they should contact a charity like Advance, where support is available, independent domestic violence advocates (IDVAs)
can provide safe, women-only spaces, help them work through their situation, look at where help is needed (housing, mental health, finances, etc.), build their confidence and self-esteem, help them create a new support network – and, if they want to leave the relationship, measures can be put in place to help them make a safe exit.
From a night of music under candlelight bliss, to a neighbourhood act of kindness, try something new that is guaranteed to enrich your wellbeing
Writing | Lauren Bromley-Bird
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In All Weathers: A Journey Through Rain, Fog, Wind, Ice and Everything In Between by Matt Gaw
In a magnificent testament to all weather, naturalist Matt Gaw walks across Britain through rain, fog, wind, ice, and everything in between, to change our perspective of the weather we consider as ‘bad’. He explores where our weather comes from, the ways in which it’s changing, and how we can welcome it into our lives. (Out now, £16.99)
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Candlelight concerts
Start a neighbourhood book swap
Turn the page on a new act of kindness by swapping your favourite books with your neighbours. If they love reading just as much as you do, then it’s a brilliant way to discover new authors and genres without the cost, as well as fostering meaningful connections in your local community.
‘5 Minutes to Change Your Life’
3 4 5
Author and coach Joanne Mallon shows us that we don’t need to move mountains to make positive change in our lives. Each bite-sized episode reveals quick and easy changes that you can implement in your day-to-day that can have a significant impact, from handling stress to boosting self-esteem. What changes will you make today? (Available on all podcast platforms)
What’s better than listening to the music you love, played by talented musicians in a stunning venue lit by candlelight? From a moving tribute to Coldplay, to the cinematic music of Hans Zimmer, this one-of-a-kind experience hosts spectacular events for everyone. Your night of music awaits… (Visit candlelightexperience.com)
Slow life with Hannah Slow living encourages you to live more intentionally, and is a trend with hugely restorative benefits for our wellbeing. Influencer Hannah Matthews’s account acts as a visual diary to document this slower pace of life, and inspires those who wish to embrace a more mindful way of living. (Follow @slowlifewithhannah on TikTok)
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GeoGuessr
When your mind is spilling over with anxious thoughts, playing a game can offer a sense of temporary escapism for a moment. One game in particular is GeoGuessr, a free online game which drops you in a random location around the world where your mission is to guess where you are using clues.
Become a CALM mental health champion
If you’re a regular reader of our magazine, there’s a good chance you already know a lot about mental health, but refreshing your knowledge is just as important as having it. Expand what you know with a free online course by suicide prevention charity, Calm, and build strategies to support yourself and the people in your life. (Find out more at thecalmzone.net)
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Inside the Mind of a Dog
(Play at geoguessr.com)
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Having too much tension in our bodies isn’t good for us, so it’s important to engage in activities that help release this. One exercise that really packs a punch when it comes to stress-busting is boxercise, a high-impact class that combines movements from aerobic fitness and boxing, and involves hitting focus pads.
WIN A PACK OF SLEEP AFFIRMATION CARDS BY GIVE YOURSELF KINDNESS
We’re always talking about how our furry friends enrich our lives so much, but how much do we really know about them? In this captivating documentary, we follow three service dogs from training to adoption, and take a deep dive into their incredible minds, to learn about cognition and behaviour. (Available to watch on Netflix)
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Sleep Affirmation Cards
Are self-critical thoughts stopping you from getting the restorative sleep you deserve? Well, you can rest easy, because this expert-approved pack of soothing affirmation cards is designed to shut down those niggling thoughts and create a calm headspace before you hit the hay. A staple for your bedtime routine! (£15.95, giveyourselfkindness.com)
For your chance to win, simply email your answer to the following question to competitions@happiful.com
How many people reportedly dream in black and white?
a) 4%
b) 12%
c) 27%
*Competition closes 31 December 2024. UK and Northern Ireland only. T&Cs apply. Good luck!
Writing | Fiona Fletcher Reid
Our world can often feel filled with anger and hostility, but random acts of kindness are a sign of hope. Think about the last time someone gave you an unexpected gift, or did you a favour without looking for anything in return. Something about these random acts of kindness reminds us of the inherent goodness that humanity has to offer.
But beyond the warm, fuzzy feeling we experience when we are performing or witnessing these kinds of selfless gestures, the act of being kind is enough to trigger notable neurochemical reactions in the brain.
Brain chemicals and kindness
When we engage in acts of kindness, our brain releases
a cocktail of hormones and neurotransmitters, including dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin.
Dopamine, often referred to as the reward hormone, is associated with feelings of pleasure and satisfaction. When we perform a kind act, such as checking in on a sick friend, our brain’s reward pathways light up, reinforcing the behaviour and encouraging us to repeat it. This phenomenon is often referred to as a ‘helper’s high’, a euphoric state that encourages altruistic behaviour.
Our brain’s serotonin levels also increase, leading to a reduction in feelings of anxiety and depression. This may be why, in a recent report from the British Heart Foundation (BHF), 92% of BHF volunteers agreed that
volunteering had helped their mental health.
Kindness also releases oxytocin – known as the ‘love hormone’ – which makes us feel more connected to others, and enhances our ability to read and understand social cues, further promoting positive behaviour. That’s why acts of kindness can directly impact loneliness, improve low mood, and enhance relationships in general.
In addition to the neurochemical reactions triggered by kindness, recent research has shed light on the role of mirror neurons in our understanding of altruistic acts. Mirror neurons are a special class of brain cells that fire both when we perform an action, and when we observe someone else performing the same action.
Amazingly, research published in the Journal of Social Psychology suggests that merely observing an act of kindness (as opposed to performing it) can boost happiness.
In another interesting twist, it seems that merely witnessing kind acts by others can encourage our altruism. In an investigation conducted by UCLA’s Bedari Kindness Institute, researchers looked at kindness by showing participants videos. Half saw a heartwarming video highlighting acts of kindness, while the others watched a neutral video. Both participants then had the opportunity to donate money to charity. Those who witnessed the kindness video were significantly more likely to donate, suggesting that observing kindness leads to positive emotions, prompting people to act more generously by paying it forwards to others.
According to David Hamilton PhD, author of The Joy Of Actually Giving a F*ck (Hay House, £12.99), kindness is good for anxiety, too: “Some research involving highly anxious people found that asking them to perform six acts of kindness a week for a month reduced their anxiety, improved their relationships, and resulted in them being less likely to avoid social situations. >>>
induce neuroplasticity in the brain that helps support emotional adaptation, build resilience, and counter stress.” Research has even suggested that kind acts, such as volunteering, can be used as a preventative measure for mental illness. David explains: “Studies of people who volunteer show a much-reduced risk of depression compared with people who don’t volunteer.”
A recent study by researchers from the Ohio State University, published in the Journal of Positive Psychology in 2022, found that symptoms of anxiety and depression were lessened through acts of kindness, proving more effective than some common cognitive behavioural therapy techniques when it comes to improving mental wellbeing.
A consistent approach to kindness
One caveat with acts of kindness is that they need to become a habit to have a sustained impact. “A single act of kindness will only produce a short-term boost,
Consistency is what leads to longer lasting changes in brain chemistry and brain structure
but consistency is what leads to longer lasting changes in brain chemistry and brain structure,” explains David.
“This is much the same as why a one-off physical training session won’t help much if you want to run a 10k race; it’s consistent practice that builds muscles (and brain circuits) that will help in the longer term.”
The good news is that even the smallest acts of kindness can have a profound impact. Begin by incorporating simple acts into your daily routine, such as complimenting a colleague, holding the door open for someone, or offering a warm smile to a stranger. As these small acts become habitual, you’ll find it easier to perform more acts of kindness. So, why not try:
• Being fully present and conscious of the act and the impact it has on those around you. This mindful approach will help you appreciate the experience, and reinforce the positive emotions, making it more likely you’ll repeat the behaviour in the future.
• Kindness is contagious, and involving others in your acts of kindness can create a ripple effect. Encourage family, friends, or colleagues to join you in performing random acts of kindness, and share your experiences with one another.
• Planning regular volunteer activities, such as serving meals at a local shelter, cleaning up a park, or participating in a charity event. These experiences create a sense of purpose within your community.
• Writing a kindness journal to track the impact your actions have on others and yourself. Record your acts of kindness, the emotions you felt, and any positive responses or knockon effects you witnessed. Revisiting this will inspire you to continue on your path.
TAKE YOUR PICK OF ACTIVITIES TO CURATE YOUR OWN IDEAL RECIPE FOR A
Bite-sized ideas
• Eat a probiotic yoghurt
• Get out in the sunlight
• Take a cold shower
• Phone a friend
• Make your favourite drink
• Do some gentle stretching
Dedicate some time
• Follow a guided meditation
• Join an exercise group or class
• Cook up a protein-rich meal
• Play a board game
• Cuddle and play with a pet
• Explore your local woodland
• Plan a day with someone you love
• Curate your ideal playlist and dance (or sing) it out
• Design and implement your ideal bedtime routine
A treat, but best in moderation
• Enjoy a coffee
• Watch your favourite TV show
• Play a game on your phone or console
• Do some online browsing
Something bigger or more significant to shake things up now and then
• Relax with a massage
• Go on holiday
• Visit somewhere new for the day
• Book tickets to a concert or show
Bonus bits you can add to anything
• Listen to a podcast
• Try EFT (tapping)
• Use a breathwork exercise
• Put an aromatherapy diffuser on
• Light a scented candle SPECIALS
Recognise your strengths and forge your own path
Writing | Elizabeth Bennett Illustrating | Rosan Magar
Sometimes it can seem like the world of work was built for those with an extroverted nature. In traditional professional settings, those who speak up tend to get more opportunities, and those who network will get promoted. Often these people are what we define as extroverts. It’s generally understood that extroverts get their energy from
other people, while introverts get energy from time alone. However, of course, it’s important to remember that it isn’t entirely binary, and instead more of a sliding scale with some of us having a mix of both tendencies. From the outside, being an introvert might look like a disadvantage in the workplace. However, when harnessed correctly it can be just as beneficial as being extroverted.
“Both extroversion and introversion offer unique benefits in the workplace,” life coach Ingrid Van Oostrom explains. “Introversion can be an incredible asset in the workplace as introverts tend to work efficiently, are focused, and are less likely to be distracted or side-tracked. They are often great listeners, think
deeply and critically, plan well, and work independently.”
If you define yourself as introverted, there are many ways you can leverage your natural tendencies to thrive in the workplace and become invaluable to any business. After all, every successful workplace needs a mix of personalities and people who fall on both ends of the extroversion-introversion scale.
Thanks to their thoughtful and inward-looking nature, introverts tend to take a moment to think before speaking. They listen, think, and then respond as opposed to immediately reacting. This considered approach is a powerful and much-needed tool in
the workplace which often benefits communication across the board.
“Whether it’s interacting with colleagues, handling negotiations, or addressing complaints – the ability to listen carefully and respond mindfully results in interactions that are meaningful and productive, which nurtures a more considerate and solutionfocused work atmosphere,” Ingrid explains.
As introverts have the ability to truly listen and stop to think before responding, they often make great problem-solvers. This is a very important skill in any type of workplace. “The ability to analyse situations and consider different perspectives leads to innovative, creative, and effective problem-solving strategies,” Ingrid notes. While introverts might not be the first to solve a problem, their solution is likely to be more thought out and perhaps offer a different perspective that no one else has previously shared.
Businesses and organisations need employees with different skill sets. The key to success in the workplace is embracing what you’re naturally good at, as this is where you will excel the most. Alongside problem-solving, introverted people tend to also be excellent planners.
“Introverts are good at planning ahead and have great attention to detail, which makes them organised and efficient in the
workplace. Projects are well thought out and carried out with precision,” Ingrid says. “The ability to anticipate potential issues, and plan for solutions, is invaluable in many roles, especially in project management and logistics. Therefore, for those who are introverted, taking on tasks that involve complex planning is a great way to showcase what you can offer.”
So-called ‘soft skills’ weren’t always valued in the work environment, but our collective mindset is changing as we realise just how important these qualities are. Take empathy, a hugely important skill that can bring so much insight into workplace challenges. Introverts tend to have high levels of empathy, and while they might not always love socialising or team-based activities, they are often the ones who can step back and see exactly how to navigate team dynamics, or understand what an individual colleague, client, or customer needs in a certain situation.
“Introverts’ ability to create a supportive and understanding work environment can lead to better employee engagement and retention, making introverts excellent mentors and coaches,” Ingrid says.
Being aware of what work environments suit your introverted tendencies is key.
For introverts who find daily socialising draining, taking on solo tasks, behind-the-scenes work, or working remotely can help, where possible. If it’s an option in your role, you could wear headphones to signify you don’t want to be disturbed when needed.
“Introverts usually thrive in environments where they can manage their own time and tasks without the need for social interaction,” Ingrid says. When introverts are working in an environment that suits their energy levels, they are more motivated and therefore more productive and satisfied in their work. Finding and prioritising work situations where independent working, or some amount of remote working, is available is therefore a great idea for those who will truly reap its benefits.
The bottom line is that the qualities and attributes of introverts are incredibly valuable and beneficial in so many roles – whether that’s the empathetic emergency worker, problemsolving restaurant manager, or thoughtful customer service advisor. It’s time we recognised and celebrated them, rather than trying to fit into an extraverted mould.
Exploring the impact of a lack of mutual understanding between neurodivergent and neurotypical people, and what can be done to address this
Writing | Lydia Wilkins
That’s so generous!” “How kind of you to offer.”
“Thank you for seeing me.” “What a lovely gift, how thoughtful of you.” Wherever you look, the semantics of kindness and empathy are everywhere. Love languages are used as a way to show up and communicate, and gestures such as gifts are deemed as a nice thing. But is it presumptive to view this as the default experience for everyone – and does it involve the same feeling of being understood, and, ultimately, being ‘seen’?
As an autistic person, I’m all too familiar with the external perception that our understanding of empathy is generally seen as, at best, limited, and, at worst, a performance. While we’re all individuals with unique lived realities, for those on the autism spectrum there can be the unifying experience of being prisoners to a culture that prizes conformity and similarity.
What exactly is empathy?
Google the term ‘empathy’, and you will likely see a basic, working definition: ‘The ability
to understand and share the feelings of another’ [person]. The search engine also notes that this is similar to having an affinity with someone, a rapport, or even sympathy. It is likely to be the simplest definition you were taught as a child, or through the concept of play and interaction with others.
However, emotional wellbeing is a little bit more complex, marked by human experience and nuance. Even when using the same word to describe a feeling, there can be a vast array of interpretations and distinctions based on personal experience – for example, the sadness you feel when your favourite TV show ends, versus the sadness following the death of a pet. This, however, may not be as obvious to some individuals; a condition called alexithymia relates to finding it difficult to understand or express emotions, particularly the nuances of them, and it’s especially common in those who are autistic, with the charity Austistica stating one in five autistic people experience this. But, it’s also common in those
with depressive disorders, with reports suggesting anywhere from 32 to 51% of these people also have alexithymia. The main takeaway here is that the general concept of what we understand empathy to be is somewhat similar, and yet on an individual level there can often be rudimentary misunderstandings. And, therefore, how we empathise and connect with each other can be mismatched.
Similar to how we have come to understand emotions, the concept of empathy is more than just the blandest of dictionary definitions. In particular, some key recognised subtypes include:
• Cognitive empathy: to have an awareness of the emotional state of another individual.
• Emotional empathy: to engage with that individual, and to share those emotions.
• Compassionate empathy: to take action to support that individual.
There is a wide chasm of a difference between a person who will hold you in their arms while you cry yourself out, and a person who can sit rationally, and help to come up with a response of how to overcome such an upsetting problem in the first place. Cognitive empathy is the type most espoused by the dictionary, as well as most recognised as ‘mainstream’, more socially expected, and acceptable.
What is the ‘double empathy problem’?
When it comes to the realm of autism and empathy, things start to become interesting. The double empathy problem is a theory originally proposed by Dr Damian Milton, an autistic autism researcher, in 2012.
At its most basic, the theory suggests that the two groups of people – those who are autistic (also sometimes referred to as neurodivergent) and non-autistic (sometimes called neurotypical) >>>
– struggle to empathise with each other. Why? Because each demographic has a different experience, a whole other lived reality, of the world around them. Therefore difficulties empathising or understanding one another are due to this ‘mismatch’ in perspective.
The reason this theory is a breath of fresh air is that it acknowledges both sides of the equation in the breakdown of understanding between groups, whereas previously autism was inherently viewed as the problem in any such discussions. Additionally, the expectation had always been that when there was a clash of communication styles, it was the autistic person’s responsibility to try to ‘mask’ feelings, or find a way to ‘solve the issue’.
The stereotype that autistic people convey a total lack of empathy has often been used as a poisonous motif, a reason to laugh or mock people like myself. As a society, people have a collective fear of what they don’t understand, but failing to question, or show curiosity, and a willingness to learn about the reality of those with autism shows a far truer lack of empathy. For many people with autism, the reality is not that they experience no emotions, but often rather emotional overwhelm.
I’ve borne witness to the result of this double empathy problem on more occasions than I can count in real life – the multitude
of ‘communication efforts gone wrong’ scenarios. Yet, because I am able to speak semi-fluently –the ‘semi’ being a conversation for another day – I can come into a non-autistic space undetected, until I start speaking. But to be the ‘solver’ of the upset is usually incumbent on me.
What I’ve found to be the most upsetting thing is to be talked through. I am an adult; sometimes I just need reasonable adjustments. At an airport, I once asked for help at the assistance desk, as my mother, who had come to see me off on my flight, watched nearby. The receptionist stood, and turned to my mother: “What does your daughter need help with?” My mother guffawed at the audacity: “I don’t know, why don’t you just ask her?” There was a serious lack of recognition or empathy, and no realisation as to why this was offensive.
While I can laugh at that patronising attitude now, this presents an accessibility challenge to me. Medical professionals often refuse to recognise my autonomy, or that I am the patient; others have failed to recognise my pain. It’s not a laughing matter. And it is not my responsibility to correct.
When it comes to systematic issues, there are no straightforward ‘quick fixes’ to be had. As a society, when we talk about more ideological issues –as this ultimately reframes the way in which we have typically viewed autism as a ‘problem’ to correct – we need to learn how to
make peace with that. We need to make a conscious effort to take steps to better understand each other better, to communicate and be curious. To treat each other as human beings with valid needs, rights, and opinions. This would benefit everyone’s wellbeing in the long run.
Simply put, to address the double empathy problem, we need to recognise that lived experience may be different for all. If someone communicates differently, meet them at that level. If someone is non-verbal, make the time to communicate with them, and talk directly to them. Reactive communication serves no one, but we can use certain scripts in overcoming an empathy barrier. We cannot claim to understand every single nuance of another’s lived experience, so own it. Saying: “I may not understand, but know that I see you and I hear you,” is far more powerful than you can ever know.
Give your brain a little boost by trying to tackle the following mental puzzles
Fill the grid so that each column, row, and 3x2 subgrid contains the digits 1–6.
How did you do? Visit the ‘Freebies’ section on shop.happiful.com to find the answers, and more!
Word wheel
Using the letters in the wheel no more than once each time, create as many words as you can of letters of three or more, always including the letter at the centre of the wheel. Want an extra challenge? Set yourself a time limit – 2 minutes, go!
10 = puzzle pro
15 = wordsmith wizard
20+ = Shakespearean superstar
everything you need to know about home schooling
As more parents choose to educate their children outside of the traditional school setting, here are some smart revision notes to guide you through the process…
Writing | Jenna Farmer
When it comes to your child’s education, sending them off to school isn’t the only option. Home education, either by parents or tutors, is on the rise – in fact, the number of home educated pupils in the UK increased by 12% in 2023. But how does it work, and how do you know if it’s right for you?
With more than 90,000 children being home educated in the UK, the most commonly cited reason for this by parents is their child’s mental health, but for others
it may be that their child has additional needs and can’t access the right provision.
Another deciding factor is that some families are dissatisfied with the school system, and simply want to employ a more flexible, child-centred, approach to education.
“It’s also partly because people now know it’s an option, and there are so many resources and groups to help with it,” adds home education expert Jax Blunt, of liveotherwise.co.uk.
Whatever the reason, home education is becoming more popular, but how can you know if it’s right for you, or how to set both you and your child up for success with this route?
Communicate with your school
If you’re planning to home educate from the get-go, you may decide to simply not apply for a school place. However, if the decision is made later, when your child is already in school,
you’ll need to keep their school in the loop. It’s your right to home educate, but you’ll need to put it in writing to inform them.
“All you need to do is send the school a deregistration letter, stating the date that you will commence home education, and ask for your child to be removed from the school roll at this point,” says home education expert
Laura Iles, of the Home Education Portal. “It’s advisable to send via email with a read receipt, or via recorded delivery, so there is proof of receipt.”
You don’t usually need to let your council know, unless you plan to de-register your child from a special school, in which case you will need to get the council’s consent first.
It’s worth saying that this conversation doesn’t have to be about home educating, there may be other options if you feel your child is not coping with a school day, but don’t wish to home educate full-time. One of these is flexi-schooling, where a child attends school part-time. For some, this is a great option but, unlike home educating, it’s not something schools have to accommodate, and is often areadependent.
Take the leap – but one day at a time
Sometimes the only way to truly know if something works for your family is to try it. While that might sound scary, many people take the leap when they feel they have no other choice. “So many people come into home education during a crisis, and it’s a hard thing to do – especially if your child is approaching qualification age. But there are loads of different ways to do it,” explains Jax Blunt.
The key to any big life decision is to recognise that it doesn’t have to be a life-long commitment – so take things one day at a time with a plan to review it all down the line. “Children can go back into the education system if you decide it doesn’t work out,” adds Jax.
Before you make any decision, researching the home education network in your area can be useful. One of the big worries about home educating is around socialising, but school certainly isn’t the only way to do this! >>>
Many cities and towns now have dedicated home education groups, both online and in-person. Many of these groups can offer similar benefits to school – whether that’s casual meet-ups, drop-in lessons, and even trips!
Other local parents are also the perfect people to chat to when making your decision, as they’ll be able to give you the heads up on what’s going on in your area. This can be particularly useful if your child is approaching the final years of secondary school, and you want them to sit exams.
Figure out a curriculum path that works for you It’s worth pointing out that home education doesn’t necessarily mean you have to follow the national curriculum, or keep to school hours. While many families want their child to eventually take exams, others may wish to centre their education around life skills, or even learning more about the world around them as they travel.
“While home education is a legal requirement, studying formal exams isn’t. So, some young people don’t study for formal
exams at all. However, most will aim to get at least a qualification in maths and English, and others sit many more,” says Laura Iles. Although you’ll need to pay for your child to sit exams, the good news is there are many ways for home-educated students to still get formal qualifications.
“There are a few different options available to home-educated students, such as functional skills in English and maths – the level 2 is equivalent to a GCSE and can be sat online at home. For certain subjects, such as English language and science, the IGCSE (International General Certificate of Secondary Education) might be a more suitable option than the GCSE as there is no requirement to complete the speaking and listening element or practicals with the IGCSE,” adds Laura.
Redefine your nine to three
Home education doesn’t have to mean ringing a bell at 8.30am either, since it can offer the flexibility of different timings, which can work for children who find the demands of a traditional school day tricky.
Before you begin, plan what your curriculum might be like, your educational aims, and how your new school day might look. Make sure it fits with other commitments you might have, as well as your child’s needs.
“Many home educators don’t do worksheets etc, and prefer a completely child-led approach. Many do fewer than two hours of ‘formal’ sit down work a day,” says Laura. “Instead, learning might take place at the library, or outside learning about nature, going to museums, or a child might learn skills such as carpentry. Many live by the mantra of ‘the world is our classroom’.”
While home education isn’t for everyone, some can find it is the perfect fit. If you’re considering home education for your family, check out our resources box to help you on your way.
• The £2 Tuition Hub: A huge online portal of home ed classes (both live and pre-recorded) for just £2 a class. There’s loads to pick from, from the more mainstream GCSE classes to fashion design and yoga!
• Phonics with Robot Reg: Online phonics and literacy classes for home educated children learning to read.
• Theatre of Science: Streams free, live science lessons to home educators.
• The Home Ed Portal: Interactive online courses by qualified UK teachers.
• StorySTEAM Education: An online adventure learning experience for kids aged five to 12 years, that combines science projects, coding, and design and technology.
Looking for support with your mental health?
Here are some places that can help:
If you are in crisis and are concerned for your own safety, call 999 or go to A&E
Call Samaritans on 116 123 or email them at jo@samaritans.org
SANEline
SANEline offers support and information from 4pm–10pm: 0300 304 7000
Mind
Mind offers advice Mon–Fri 9am–6pm, except bank holidays: 0300 123 3393. Or email: info@mind.org.uk
Switchboard
Switchboard is a line for LGBT+ support. Open from 10am–10pm: 0300 330 0630. You can email: chris@switchboard.lgbt
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SUPPORT FOR CHILDREN AND YOUNG PEOPLE
Discover mental health advice and support specifically for children and young people by visiting youngminds.org.uk
• Pass me on to a friend who might appreciate some articles.
• Get crafty and use me for a vision board or collage.
• Keep me on a coffee table to pick up when you need a boost
• Remember I’m 100% recyclable, so pop me in your recycling bin.
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CANCER INFORMATION AND ADVICE
For both practical and emotional advice and support following a cancer diagnosis, visit macmillan.org.uk
LEARN MORE ABOUT PCOS
For helpful information, research updates, and to find local support groups, visit verity-pcos.org.uk
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