TRUE LIFE
Finally free to be me
The impact of Naphtaly’s polycystic ovary syndrome isn’t just physical, but mental too. She struggled with depression and loving herself for years, but has finally found a way to nourish herself, and find peace Writing | Naphtaly Maria Zimmerman
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uffering with your mental health is not easy. And I should know, having struggled with my mental health for more than a decade. During adolescence, I experienced anxiety and stress due to my polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS). By the age of 16, this developed into low moods, causing anxiety and selfhatred. At 17, I moved to London to study, but had no social connections there at that point. My depression became worse, causing me to feel like my energy and motivation were drained. But none of this compared to the feeling that I had lost myself and my identity. During my bachelor’s degree at university in
2014, it became harder and harder. I felt caged inside my own mind, dying to be free. I had a rage inside of me, all I was doing was taking medications for my PCOS, and whatever the doctor had prescribed did not work for me at all. It was hard to focus on my studies – in class I felt numb, and even lonelier. I didn’t know how to manage my anger and depression. Carbs, alcohol, and sugary sweets made it easier to survive those stressful days, but only for a short period of time. I started talking really negatively towards myself. Can you imagine spending 24 hours a day inside your head, with only negative thoughts for company? I couldn’t find equilibrium.
When I turned 19, I started partying a lot, which was hard as I was working full-time while going to university. The amount of pain I had from the PCOS was increasing with an imbalanced menstrual cycle, and I was putting on a lot of weight, even when eating healthy and exercising. I was going six to eight months, or even a year, without having a period, then having them last from four to six months long. Not only was my mental health affected, but also my physical health. During those times, it was hard to accept who I was seeing in the mirror. I had spots on my face and I began wearing loads of makeup to hide the
person underneath it, which didn’t help. There were days where I locked myself inside my room without seeing daylight, without seeing or talking to anybody. The worst part was that I was ashamed to tell my parents, friends, or partner how I felt, because I didn’t want them to feel sorry for me. When I began explaining to a few friends and colleagues about the way I felt, it was always one answer, which was “It’s only in your head” or “You’ll get over it.” At the age of 22, I was feeling rejected, sad, unmotivated, and things weren’t going well in everything from my personal life to my career. I hated feeling like there was no spark in my soul. >>> March 2020 • happiful.com • 57
