TRUE LIFE
A voice of understanding
After years of hiding his pain and depression, Henry found himself at breaking point. But the connection and trust with a special therapist, and his own passion for music, opened him up to the possibility of a brighter future – one which he embraced whole-heartedly Writing | Henry Grace
Photogrphy | Emmanuelle Le Chat
W
hen I was 18, I was diagnosed with depression. It was 2010, and I had just finished high school. But instead of celebrating with my friends, I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital in London. The truth is that it was a relief. For so many years, I’d covered up my depression and, to some extent, hidden it pretty well from even myself. I never told anyone about the pain I was in, the selfharming, or that I almost took my own life when I was 16. It probably seems strange that I was unaware I needed help. But mental health was just never a conversation at home or at school. And so when the truth finally came out, I
hoped that life would get a little better. But after three years of therapy, and a few stints in psychiatric hospitals, my condition had only worsened. I’d been diagnosed with multiple mental illnesses, and was put on a cocktail of drugs that left me comatose half of the time. I felt completely hopeless and often contemplated suicide. The few things that brought me any real happiness during this time were my family, friends, and writing music. I count myself incredibly lucky to have not only lived a life surrounded by wonderful people, but also to have found a passion so early on that has always found a way of guiding me. Music has helped shape me as a
person and, in many ways, defined my life so far. But by the time I turned 21, life had pretty much unravelled. I could no longer maintain relationships, couldn’t get a job, or even get through the day without having a panic attack. I had overdosed twice, dropped out of university, and stopped writing music. With nowhere else to go, I moved back home to my parents’ farm in rural Oxfordshire and, after only a week or two, found myself contemplating suicide again. Suicide is a really complex topic. It totally devastates everything it touches but, for so many who feel like they can no longer cope, it often seems like the only way out. For me, life had
become unbearable. I had, quite literally, lost the will to live and so, one summer evening, I walked out the door of our farm and tried to end my life. A few days later, I woke up to find myself in a hospital hooked up to multiple machines. I can remember closing my eyes tightly and feeling devastated that I had survived. When doctors told me that there were no available beds in any of the NHS psychiatric hospitals across the UK, my family organised for me to go to a rehab in Arizona. Two days later, I found myself boarding a plane to America. I arrived in Arizona a completely broken man. But it didn’t take long for me to find my feet. >>> March 2020 • happiful.com • 87
