Happiful March 2022

DEVOTED TO MENTAL HEALTH & WELLBEING

ISSUE 59

DISCOVER The truth behind procrastination

Reflect &connect

And why we don't do the things we should

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Unleash the everyday force powering your wellbeing

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ESPANA

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questions you NEED to ask your partner

Take it easy...

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Master the art of bathing

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SIGNED. SEALED. DELIVERED. Creative ways to stay in touch

AUS ENDOMETRIOSIS EXPLAINED | SKIN-PICKING MYTHS DEBUNKED | EYE YOGA

If you must doubt something, doubt your limits

PRICE PRITCHETT Photography | Nicolas Villalobos

Bridge the gap It was a couple of years ago, I’d just moved house and invited a friend round for the evening. I had only been living there for a matter of days, and my furniture was covered in stacks of bags and boxes. So, we laid down a picnic blanket on the living room floor, lit some candles, put out a spread, and ate off our laps.

We tucked into our favourite foods, shared secrets, listened to music, and laughed and laughed.

Nothing unusual, but I can pinpoint that night as a time when I really stopped to acknowledge the full-body warming effect of good, honest, simple friendship.

After that, I made a determined step to prioritise the relationships I had with my friends, but then, you guessed it, the pandemic hit and social plans went on a longterm hiatus. So I learnt a lesson on the power of connection all over again, only this time it was from its absence.

According to the Campaign to End Loneliness, 45% of adults in England feel occasionally, sometimes, or often lonely - and it will come as no surprise to anyone that those numbers have peaked over the past couple of years. Human relationships are vital for our health, both mental and physical, and yet feelings of isolation are far from uncommon.

This issue, we wanted to stop and celebrate the power of connection, delving into the fascinating concept

of social capital on p14 – where we’re asking, how precisely does friendship enrich our lives? We’re also bringing you heartwarming stories of unlikely friendships on p34, and get tips from a life coach on how to apply neuro-linguistic programming principles to your own relationships on p60.

But, also, scattered throughout this issue you will find more than 140 practical tips, ideas, and moments of inspiration, for forging new and maintaining old connections with others. So keep an eye out for those.

Ultimately, when all is said and done, getting that promotion doesn’t make laughing with your friends any funnier. The latest must-have gift doesn’t mean the comforting presence of a loved one runs any deeper. Pictureperfect holidays can’t really improve the outpouring of love we already feel for our families (the ones who raised us and the ones we found along the way).

These things exist on a completely different level, and fulfil us in ways nothing material ever can, they have untouchable value to us all – and that’s something worth treasuring.

At Happiful, inclusivity, representation, and creating a happier, healthier society is at the forefront of our mission. To find our more about our social and environmental pledges, visit happiful.com/pledges W | happiful.com F | happifulhq T | @happifulhq

KATHRYN WHEELER | GUEST EDITOR

I| @happiful_magazine

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Connect more 14 What is social capital?

How do our relationships with others enrich our lives?

25 Men get heartache, too One man's story of his personal journey with heartbreak

34 Unlikely friendships

Touching stories of people who reached out across boundaries

54 A listening ear

Discover the power of online mental health communities

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60 Boost your connections

Strategies for long-lasting friendships

Food & health 29 Eye yoga

How to take care of your eye health

42 Support for health anxiety How to be there for someone

50 Spread the joy

An ultimate guide to sharing platters

91 Endometriosis, explained

Culture 8 Good news

Uplifting stories to make you smile

13 The wellbeing wrap 38 Good reads 58 10 new things to try

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Positive pointers

Wellbeing

17 Invest in rest

32 What is somatic therapy?

How taking time out is vital for creative ventures

22 Spring clean your habits 52 Sensuous simmer pots

Scent your home, the natural way

78 Cut yourself some slack How to tell when you're being too hard on yourself

39 Five skin-picking myths 55 Difficult conversations

A guide to talking about sexual abuse

66 The art of bathing

It's time to get serious about self-care

75 The future of wellness

Can tech transform ancient traditions?

80 Procrastinate with purpose 85 Picture this Why do we put things off?

Kids books that explore mental health

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Try this at home 28 Fun ways to stay in touch 48 Build eco-habits 90 Invite spring into your home 98 Morning affirmations Start the day off right

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True stories 45 Ruth: Life with allergies

Severe allergies ran her life, until she began to ask for what she needed

69 Josephine: Slowing down

Tortured with panic attacks, Josephine knew things needed to change

95 Rupert: Uplifting others

His experiences drove him to support and empower those around him

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Relationships 20 Spot a toxic workplace

What are the signs to watch for?

62 Before you share...

Self-care tips for when you decide to open up to others

72 Raise your voice

Switch up your workplace dynamics

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Expert review

86 100 Qs to boost intimacy

Settle down and ask your significant other these 100 questions

Every issue of Happiful is reviewed by an accredited counsellor, to ensure we deliver the highest quality content while handling topics sensitively.

The relationships we have with people form an inherent part of our identity – they become a part of us. This has the potential to be both a positive and negative influence, depending on the kind of company we keep. It’s essential that we foster relationships in our lives that support us to grow, and bring us joy and happiness.

Head over to p14 to check out how social relationships can enrich our lives and enhance wellbeing. Our engagement with others can be very powerful, this is something you can control and determine.

RAV SEKHON BA MA MBACP (Accred)

Rav is a counsellor and psychotherapist with more than 10 years' experience.

Our team

Expert Panel Meet the team of experts providing information, guidance, and insight throughout this issue SHANNON WESTERN

GRAEME ORR

BSc MSc ANutr

MBACP (Accred) Reg Ind

Shannon is a nutritionist who specialises in disordered eating and women’s health.

Graeme is a counsellor working with both individuals and couples.

EDITORIAL Kathryn Wheeler | Guest Editor Rebecca Thair | Editor Bonnie Evie Gifford, Kat Nicholls | Senior Writers Becky Wright | Content & Marketing Officer Grace Victory, Andy Gill | Columnists Lucy Donoughue | Head of Partnerships Ellen Hoggard | Digital Editor Keith Howitt | Sub-Editor

RUTH PARCHMENT

ANDY GILL

BA MA GDip PGDip BPS BABCP

BA NLP E-RYT JSY500 AC BWY

Ruth is a psychotherapist who specialises in cognitive behavioural therapy.

Andy is a therapist who uses coaching, hypnotherapy, and yoga.

Rav Sekhon | Expert Advisor

ART & DESIGN Amy-Jean Burns | Head of Product Charlotte Reynell | Creative Lead Rosan Magar | Illustrator Tamlyn Izzett | Graphic Designer

ALEX ALLAN

JENNY WARWICK

BSc (Hons) NT

PGDip BACP

Alex is a registered nutritional therapist specialising in gut health.

Jenny is a counsellor specialising in relationships and family issues.

DR SELINA TOUR

SOPHIE MEDLIN

BSc MSc DClinPsy

BSc Hons RD FHEA

Selina is a clinical psychologist with interests in somatic therapy.

Sophie is a dietitian and director of City Dietitians.

COMMUNICATIONS

Alice Greedus | PR Manager

CONTRIBUTORS Elle Redman, Klaudia Mitura, Alex Holmes, Lauren Brown, Ruth Holroyd, Jeremy Sachs, Rebecca Lockwood, Caroline Butterwick, Josephine Brooks, Amanda Nicholson, Robert Sanders, Jenna Farmer, Rupert Rixon

SPECIAL THANKS Ruth Parchment, Sukhi Johal, Dr Selina Tour, Dr Sophie Gwinnett, Alex Allan, Jenny Warwick, Louisa Alessandra Pini, Sophie Medlin, Rachel Coffey, Graeme Orr, Shannon Western

MANAGEMENT

SUKHI JOHAL

RACHEL COFFEY

LLB Hons NLP Prac

BA MA NLP Mstr

Sukhi is a personal and professional development trainer.

Rachel is a life coach, encouraging confidence.

JEREMY SACHS

DR SOPHIE GWINNETT

BA Hons Dip.Couns

BSc (Hons) DClinPsy CPsychol

Jeremy is an integrated psychotherapist who specialises in working with trauma recovery.

Sophie is a clinical psychologist with a interest in health-related issues.

Aimi Maunders | Director & Co-Founder Emma White | Director & Co-Founder Paul Maunders | Director & Co-Founder

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HAPPIFUL FAMILY

LOUISA PINI

ROBERT SANDERS

BA (Hons) MCHP MCHNC

BA PGCE MANLP

Louisa is an aromatherapist with her own line of skincare.

Robert is a master coach, and master practitioner of NLP.

Helping you find the help you need.

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DEVOTED TO MENTAL HEALTH & WELLBEING

sources. The FSC® label guarantees that the trees DISCOVER The truth behind procrastination

Reflect &connect

And why we don't do the things we should

40 CTS

Unleash the everyday force powering your wellbeing

HA-PPI-FUL

ESPANA

BB

100

15

questions you NEED to ask your partner

Take it easy...

TH

Master the art of bathing

JP 1

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The opinions, views and values expressed in Happiful are those of the authors of that content and do not necessarily represent our opinions, views or values. Nothing in the magazine constitutes advice on which you should rely. It is provided for general information purposes only. We work

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One undeniable truth is that finding the right help for each individual is a journey – what works for one of us will be different for someone else. But don't feel disheartened if you haven't found your path yet. Our Happiful family can help you on your way. Bringing together various arms of support, each of our sister sites focuses on a different method of nourishing your wellbeing – from counselling, to hypnotherapy, nutrition, coaching, and holistic therapy. Download our free Happiful app for more.

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The Uplift

Image | Netflix Afterlife Series 3

COMMUNITY

Netflix donates ‘After Life’ benches to help communities connect To celebrate the new series of Ricky Gervais’ After Life, Netflix and suicide prevention charity CALM has commissioned 25 benches to be donated to local councils around the UK – including Bath, Birmingham, Glasgow, Liverpool, Taunton, and Surrey Heath – to create spaces for communities to come together.

The move was inspired by scenes in After Life, where Ricky Gervais’ character, Tony, is seen sitting on a bench in his local churchyard – a place where he comes to reflect,

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share, and listen. And each bench will have a unique QR code, which links to support and reveals the wording: ‘Life can be tough, but there’s always hope. Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM) is by your side.’

Speaking about the announcement, Ricky Gervais said: “We hope the benches will create a lasting legacy for After Life, as well as become a place for people to visit, and we are thrilled to be associated with CALM and the great work they do.”

“Park benches provide opportunities to talk, and get things off your chest,” says Simon Gunning, CEO of CALM. “That is why we’re delighted to team up with Netflix to put benches in parks across the country – inscribed with that crucial line from the show, ‘Hope is everything’ – to help people have those conversations.”

‘After Life’ series three is out now.

To find out more about CALM, visit thecalmzone.net Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

WELLBEING

Is your motivation to exercise waning?

Call in these reinforcements Finding the motivation to exercise can be like panning for gold. A bit of a slog but, when you find it, it feels pretty great. Now, new research from dance fitness brand Zumba reveals a couple of key ingredients to make exercise more fun: working out with pals, and pumping up the tunes.

The survey of 2,000 adults found four in 10 work out every couple of days, but 50% of the time they find it hard going, with weight lifting,

running, and cycling named as some of the most tedious sports.

Five out of 10, however, noted that they use exercise as a chance to meet friends, with 38% saying having a pal present means they’re more likely to work harder, and be more motivated to leave the house.

Another motivator uncovered by the survey was music, with 65% saying it has a positive impact on their session.

“Exercise classes are a great example of getting the best of both worlds,’’ Zumba education specialist, Sandra Harnez says. “You get a workout as well as spending time with other people – and, in our case, it’s driven by music that helps to put a smile on people’s faces.”

The best way to make exercise a habit is to enjoy it! So if you’re struggling, find a friend, make a playlist, and shimmy away.

Writing | Kat Nicholls

HEALTH

Female sexuality and health research gets the boost it deserves As part of their pledge to close the gender health gap, sex toy company Womanizer has created The Pleasure Fund – committing to invest €250,000 (around £209,000) over the next five years to support research into female health, sexual wellbeing, and sexual pleasure.

Due to gender bias in clinical trials, many diseases and symptoms experienced by women remain relatively unknown, leading to misdiagnosis, unexplored treatment approaches, and less effective medications for women.

In collaboration with the Charité University Hospital and Research Institute in Berlin, the first project

benefiting from the fund is set to investigate the effects of sexual dysfunction and breast cancer. Of the 70,000 people diagnosed with breast cancer each year, many experience changes in vaginal blood flow, a lower libido, and a decreased sense of body selfworth. The study is set to explore whether masturbation can help those who have experienced breast cancer to re-learn sexual arousal, and develop a more positive body image, as well as improve blood flow.

Considering the pledge, Dr Jessica Shepherd, a gynaecologist and women’s health expert, commented: “The gaps in female

health are obvious and range from general to reproductive to sexual health. The Pleasure Fund is a wonderful and important way to find the right answers for women in our community.”

Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford

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WORK

Gen Z raises the bar for ethical workplaces A ‘war for talent’ is on the horizon, and new data from healthcare provider Bupa suggests that businesses which put ethics first will be the victors.

According to the survey, two in three Gen Zs are anxious about the environment, with 64% saying that it’s important that their employers act on environmental issues. Additionally, the findings also suggested that many are prioritising their mental health over their earnings – with 54% sayings that they would take a pay cut to work for a business that reflects their own ethics, and one in three would turn down a company with poor ESG (environmental, social, governance) credentials.

“ESG commitments really can have an impact on employee mental health, so it’s important that businesses take note,” says Dr Pablo Vandenabeele, clinical director for mental health at Bupa. “A high salary for work that feels meaningless can only satisfy one for so long, whereas feeling like we’re contributing to the greater good, and making a difference, has a positive effect on our self-esteem. It can even reduce feelings of burnout, something that many people are struggling with after a tough couple of years.”

At a time when many of us can attest to the way in which work pressure can impact our mental health and wellbeing, asking for the bar to be raised is something that can support everyone – and it looks like the next generation could be set on shaping a brighter future.

Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

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Take 5

How did you do? Sea rch 'freebies ' at shop.ha ppiful.co m to find th e answe rs, and mor e!

Test your puzzling prowess with this issue’s brain-teasing challenges

Wordsearch

Eagle eyes at the ready – can you spot the following 10 words in the grid? Bonus points if you can identify the three words not in the list!

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Word wheel

Using the letters in the wheel no more than once, make as many words as you can of three letters or more, always including the letter at the centre of the wheel. Want an extra challenge? Set yourself a time limit – 90 seconds, go!

5 = puzzle pro 10 = wordsmith wizard 15+ = Shakespearean superstar

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wellbeing wrap A four-day working week trial, featuring around 30 UK companies, is launching

Demonstrating the impact of the Covid-19 pandemic and subsequent lockdownns on youngsters’ mental health, the Oxford University Press revealed that ‘anxiety’ has been voted the children’s word of the year for 2021.

A support line (0333 335 0026) set up by two women, Alice and Rachel, is helping protect those walking home alone at night.

Strut Safe volunteers are on duty at weekends, offering a voice of comfort and support to those travelling solo, and are ready to alert emergency services if needed.

Call of the wild

Hippos are notorious for their bellows, grunts, and ‘honking’ noises, but new research has revealed this wide vocal repertoire actually enables the animals to recognise individual voices of friends and family, as well as foes.

A stitch in time saves nine A world-first transplant has seen a man receive a geneticallymodified pig’s heart

Strut safe

But for how much longer? A new survey by Prespectus Global has revealed a number of traditional sayings and phrases are falling out of use. Modern-day Brits are mostly unfamiliar with terms such as ‘pearls before swine’, ‘pip pip’, ‘tickety boo’, and ‘a load of old codswallop’, which could see them dying out as our language develops.

Take your time

A supermarket chain in the Netherlands is tackling loneliness by offering customers a chance to have a good natter.

Designated ‘chat checkouts’ create a more sedate shopping experience for those looking for more of a social connnection during their weekly shop.

The grass is always greener...

A small cinema in Manchester is now offering dog-friendly screeings of films

Britain’s longest married couple, Ron and Joyce Bond, celebrate their 81st anniversary

Where you water it, that is. And a new project announced by the National Trust is certainly looking to nuture our natural spaces. The conservation charity is setting out to connect patches of rural land into ‘green corridors’ that will tie urban areas to the countryside.

The first step in this plan is to create a three-mile route in Bristol that connects the historic city to the stunning green landscapes around it, but it isn’t stopping there.

The bigger picture sees the charity look to develop 20 green corridors across the UK by 2030.

Cornwall Council is tackling homelessness head on, by installing 29 modular one-bed homes, which have a 60-year lifespan, across the county. The self-contained units enable the area to address the current housing crisis, and offer a safe residence for those in need.

A soup-er idea

A new scheme is being piloted in Bristol, offering comedy classes to help trauma patients recover.

With sessions delivered by professional comics, the hope is the free six-week course will help provide a fresh perspective on experiences. If it turns out that laughter is the best medicine, the initiative could soon be rolled out across the NHS.

With reports that the UK throws out 9.5 million tonnes of food each year – more specificially 941 million potatoes, 733 million tomatoes, and 728 million carrots – supermarket Sainsburys is ladelling out some strong advice to help reduce food waste. Recommending recipes and encouraging customers to embrace their soup skills, these homemade, hearty dishes serve up some much-needed support for the planet, too.

What is social capital? $

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How do our social connections enrich our lives?

Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

Illustrating | Rosan Magar

connect more

As social creatures, our nervous systems are hardwired for social connection

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to give your self-esteem a boost, right? Now let’s say that you’re going through a rough patch with your health, and a friend notices, you then get the help you need with the support of a loved one, and you start down the path to recovery. Or maybe you’re drowning in errands in the leadup to a big event, but you can call on a friend who you know will take a couple of things off your to-do list so you can put your energy elsewhere. Each of these are examples of the everyday ways that connections make our lives easier, meaning we have the time, energy, resources, and confidence to succeed. >>>

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here are countless viral quotes that say something along the lines of, if you’re rich in friendship you’re rich for life – the point being that our connections enhance our lives in ways other factors can only just scratch the surface. But behind the greeting-card-ready soppiness, is the foundation of a very real sociological concept.

A precise definition of ‘social capital’ isn’t always easy to pin down, as its application is varied and debated, but it generally refers to the way in which our social relationships have productive benefits – in our careers, for our health, our mental wellbeing, and pretty much all aspects of our lives.

‘Capital’ is an asset that we can

trade in, like money, and so social capital essentially captures the way in which our friendships and connections unlock these benefits – in short, rich in friendship, rich in life.

Of course, that can be in financial terms (think, for example, it’s not what you know but who you know), but perhaps more interesting is the way in which being rich in social capital can enhance our health and wellbeing.

“As social creatures, our nervous systems are hardwired for social connection,” explains psychotherapist Ruth Parchment.

“Our ‘happy hormones’ increase with good friendships, these include dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin, and endorphins that can help reduce stress and feelings of pain.”

Ruth points to two fascinating studies. The first, published in the Journal of Women & Aging, found that cortisol levels (a stress hormone) were significantly lowered when participants spoke to their friends, and that friends played a significant role in helping one another solve difficult life problems. The second, conducted by Oxford University, found that people with a wide social circle experience a higher pain tolerance threshold compared to those people with fewer friends.

So what does social capital look like in practice? Well, say you’re heading to a job interview, and you get a call from a friend to wish you luck and to give you a last-minute reminder of how incredible you are, that’s going

happiful.com | Issue 59 | 15

Psychotherapist Ruth Parchment’s tips for raising your social capital:

Be open to new connections and possibilities for friendships Each person we meet provides the opportunity for connection with another human being. Being open allows us to be present, to find commonality, listen, and share; qualities that help build and maintain friendships and connections.

Improve your self-confidence

great evidence base in helping people learn practical ways of addressing social anxiety.

Consider what you value in a friend

Is it someone that you can enjoy activities together with? Someone you can have deep conversations with? Someone who understands or shares aspects of your identity?

There may be a mixture of values that feel important in a friendship, I encourage you to think of what yours might be.

One of the biggest obstacles to social connection is social anxiety and low social confidence, there’s fear of being judged negatively, rejected, humiliated, and coming across badly. A useful tip for addressing social anxiety is to focus your attention outwards, so that you are really paying attention to the other person and situation, as opposed to being caught up in your internal fears and worries. Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) has a

I use the words, “positive friendships and connections” because we can experience social connections that make us feel bad and deplete us. It’s important to gravitate towards friendships and connections that generally feel positive. Qualities such as trust, consistency, good communication, and shared values, are helpful to consider.

“Friendships can also help boost fun, a sense of adventure, creativity, and playfulness,” Ruth adds. “There is growing research on how playfulness in adults can improve happiness and decrease stress and anxiety.

I’m eternally grateful to a friend who encouraged me to try out a sculpture class many years ago. Creating things has become one of my favourite pastimes,

providing a space in which I can connect with my playful creativity.”

All this said, it’s important to remember that friendship isn’t a means to an end, and we shouldn’t think of the people in our lives in terms of their transactional value, ready to cash them in at any point. Instead, the concept of social capital encourages us to take note of

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Boost your connections

Positive friendships and connections are important

the ways that the connections we have support us in all areas of our lives, how being ‘rich’ in deep, fulfilling, honest relationships broadens our horizons – and it should be a ‘give and take’ dynamic. It helps us to understand how all these factors intermingle, and how they help us to get ahead. So, it might be time to take stock of your social capital and trace the ways your friendships support you – you may be surprised at how deeply they run.

Ruth Parchment is a psychotherapist who specialises in cognitive behavioural therapy. She helps people connect with their values and authenticity. Find out more by visiting counselling-directory.org.uk

positive pointers

The art of idleness What’s the relationship between rest and creativity, and how can moments of inactivity boost our productivity? Here, creatives explain how rest inspires their work as artists, and why slowing down has such a key part to play Writing | Elle Redman

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ome of the most creative people in history have linked their artistic success to moments of idleness. Mozart, for example, once described how he would imagine new melodies while he was eating in a restaurant, walking home after a meal, or getting ready for bed.

Like an unexpected spark of light, there’s often no telling when a sudden burst of inspiration will come, stopping us in our tracks with a bright new idea, thought, or realisation.

Creativity, in fact, is both a mysterious and magical feat.

In an article in The New York Times, essayist and cartoonist Tim Kreider draws on the intrinsic relationship between rest and creativity: “Idleness is not just a vacation, an indulgence, or a

vice. It is as indispensable to the brain as vitamin D is to the body.

“The space and quiet that idleness provides is a necessary condition for standing back from life and seeing it whole, for making unexpected connections, and waiting for the wild summer lightning strikes of inspiration,” he writes.

It is, Kreider concludes, paradoxically, necessary to getting any work done.

Creativity in full bloom

When lockdown began in March 2020, many people across the UK experienced increased downtime, and a marked slowdown in their pace of life.

With this, many also embraced lockdown as an opportunity to learn something new.

A survey of 1,000 women in Britain, conducted by online florist Serenata Flowers, found that half its participants took up a new hobby during the pandemic, with 67% practising their new skills at least once a week, and learning a new skill, or taking up a hobby, even came highly recommended

by Public Health England as a means of managing mental health.

There’s some fascinating science behind this, too. A study exploring the concept of ‘mind wandering’, by the University of York and the University of California, indicated that more than 40% of creative ideas arise during breaks and downtime – when our minds are free to rest and wander. >>> happiful.com | Issue 59 | 17

More than 40% of creative ideas arise during breaks and downtime – when our minds are free to rest and wander

The research suggested that the parts of the human brain which drive creativity are most active when we don’t have to focus, with moments of creativity and innovation taking place when we’re at rest.

Creativity, therefore, whether existing as an expression, enterprise, remedy (or all of the above), arguably cannot exist in full bloom without a level of rest and idleness.

The beauty of procrastination

Judith Achumba-Wöllenstein is the co-founder and creative director of fashion psychology magazine, Hajinsky.

Drawing on her background in cognitive psychology, Judith 18 | Issue 59 | happiful.com

explains that during moments when our minds are unfocused, or when we’re doing something repetitive, such as washing the dishes or listening to a podcast, we access parts of our brain that are much more complex.

This is when our minds are able to gather information and create new solutions, she says.

“I’ve always loved to run, so I often think of solutions while I’m out running,” says Judith.

“At times, I’m a procrastinator, but often, it’s in those moments of procrastination that I find the answers to a problem that I’ve been staying up all night to solve.”

Exploring the close connection between rest and creativity, Judith notes: “Rest often involves a clearing up process of our inner

world. A lot of the time, the work we do isn’t the kind that anybody can see. It’s the internal work of building on our relationships and identities.

“When we neglect to take care of our inner world, it can hold us back in our creative process,” Judith says.

Rest comes in various shapes and sizes for different people at different times, she adds.

For her, it doesn’t always take the traditional form of sitting down and putting her feet up, but it can look like pursuing a new project, working wholeheartedly on something she’s passionate about, or spending time in the community.

The value of margin

“I think of rest as the margins around the page of a book I’m reading,” explains poet, producer, and musician, Joshua Luke Smith.

The words matter but without the margins, they run into each other and are senseless, he says.

Joshua continues: “When I rest, I create order and context around everything I do. I don’t rest as

positive pointers

a reward, but to return to the original expression of human design. I am a being, not a doing.”

Describing the rhythms of rest in his daily life, Joshua says: “Each morning, I wake up before my wife and daughter, simply to be in silence.

“There’s a phrase I’ve seen bandied around, particularly among young entrepreneurs, that says ‘Never not working’. It sounds admirable and dedicated, but I think it would be the last thing any of us would want our friends and family to say of us when we’re gone,” he notes.

“The question ‘How do I want those I love most to remember me?’ is the compass that leads me away from being busy and burning out,” he says.

Ultimately, he concludes, it’s a man who was present, available, grateful, and loving.

The ebb and flow of creating

Multidisciplinary visual artist, Lois Seco, creates from the philosophical belief that art connects us to something bigger than ourselves.

While her experience of rest has greatly changed since becoming a mother, Lois feels most at peace when she’s creating.

“When I practise line drawing, play around with colours, or experiment with art, there’s a real sense of peace, calm, and wholeness within me,” she says.

For her, creative ideas freely spring to mind during the idle and autopilot moments of her

day, such as when she’s driving or lying down in bed.

“Rest is the action of gaining more energy and feeling complete,” she says.

Speaking of how rest informs her work as an artist, Lois reveals: “If rest wasn’t part of the ebb and flow of my life, I’d find it really hard to create.”

Seeking and finding beauty in the world around her, Lois looks out for unique colour palettes, rock formations, and fascinating landscapes while she’s walking.

“This is the rest that directly affects my work,” she recalls.

Sharing a warm word of wisdom for anyone struggling with burnout, Lois suggests: “Why not make a mental or physical list of all the things that make you feel alive, that you can practically blend into your week?”

She recommends jotting down a list of actions following the statement ‘I feel most rested when…’ Then, even if it’s for only five minutes a day, make a habit of prioritising those things. happiful.com | Issue 59 | 19

5 signs of a toxic workplace

Spot the warning signs that a workplace has turned sour

Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

A

ccording to findings from HR system Breath’s latest Culture Economy report, one in five Brits have quit their job due to toxic workplace culture. With that in mind, it’s safe to say that nearly all of us will at least have some idea of what a ‘toxic workplace’ may look like.

But, sometimes, the elements that go into building up this kind of culture can fly under the radar, meaning you may not realise the extent of the problem before you’re already at the centre of it. For those beginning to question their

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Illustrating | Rosan Magar

positions, or those on the lookout for red flags as they consider switching roles, here, with help from life coach Sukhi Johal, we’re exploring five signs that a workplace has turned toxic.

1. There’s no, or very little, career progression

“When organisations don’t invest in developing and encouraging the growth of their employees, this is a red flag,” Sukhi says. “You can usually spot this organisation if they don’t have a ‘learning and development unit’ within the

HR system, or have no liaison to reach out to about training needs and promotion opportunities.”

This is something you can ask about at the interview stage if you are looking for a new job, or is worth considering and discussing if it applies to an organisation you are already working for. As Sukhi points out, workplaces that do not provide these opportunities tend to have a higher staff turnover rate, as individuals feel unseen and immaterial to the progress of the organisation, and so begin to look elsewhere.

relationships

2. Lack of communication

It’s a core pillar of any healthy relationship, and that’s no different when it comes to our workplace ones.

“Failure from leadership to communicate the organisation’s progress, and provide regular updates on projects and timelines, can leave employees feeling detached and unimportant,” Sukhi explains. “The effect this has, particularly on the wellbeing of those working from home, creates feelings of despondency and a lack of motivation.”

But it’s not just an organisation’s progress that you should be in the loop with, as Sukhi says that you should also have a sense that you are able to communicate your concerns in a supportive and confidential environment.

3. There is constant confusion

“Where organisations lack direction and operations are indistinct, or where there are undefined roles and responsibilities, this creates feelings of confusion and disorder,” Sukhi explains. “This often results in repetitive meetings and time-consuming discussions.

Poor leadership and direction lead to a lack of engagement, as employees feel unclear as to what they should be achieving.”

Your time is valuable, and if you spend a lot of it confused as to what you should be doing, or where your working priorities lie, this is a sign that something isn’t clicking. Your role should

be clearly defined in your job description so, if in doubt, take a look over it and see how it stands up against your day-to-day experience.

insecure in their environments.

When employees feel this way there is often a spike in sick absences and prolonged leave.”

4. Unfair practices and policies

“If there is a constant sense of negativity, dejection, and bad patterns such as gossiping around the office, this is a clear sign of a toxic culture,” Sukhi says. “This usually occurs in organisations where employees are threatened with job insecurity and they feel underappreciated or overworked.”

Check in with your colleagues, and take note of how they are feeling.

They may echo the same experiences and feelings as you or, on the other hand, you may even discover that you are unknowingly benefitting from the same culture.

Whatever the case may be, the bottom line is that we all deserve to be treated with respect and dignity, and spotting the signs that something isn’t right is the first step to taking action.

When it comes to unfair practices, especially discrimination against protected characteristics (age, disability, gender reassignment, marriage and civil partnership, pregnancy and maternity, race,

religion or belief, sex, and sexual orientation), there are laws in place to protect you. That said, sadly, this kind of behaviour can still persist.

“Organisations that exhibit unequal treatment of staff, such as overt favouritism, sexism, and discrimination in career progression opportunities, are toxic workplace environments,” Sukhi says. “If there are no clear policies in place for bringing your grievances forward, this is a sign that management is unconcerned about their accountability.

“This toxic culture will leave employee wellbeing at an alltime low as they feel unsafe and

5. Everyone is despondent

Sukhi Johal is an NLP qualified personal and professional development trainer. Find out more by visiting llifecoach-directory.org.uk happiful.com | Issue 59 | 21

Spring clean

your habits

We spring clean our homes and wardrobes, so why not our daily habits?

Remove the unwanted actions and get some new ones with three easy steps Writing | Klaudia Mitura

H

appiness is a formation of our habits. Or, at least, that’s according to positive psychology researcher Sonja Lyubomirsky, who has estimated that 40% of our happiness depends on the habits we repeat daily.

From breathing exercises to gratitude journals, happy people engage in habits that help them to sustain their positive wellbeing even in the most challenging situations. With that in mind, spring cleaning our habits once in a while can help to build positive habits, and kick out unwanted ones. Here are three ways to do it effectively:

1. Identify external cues for your habits, and decide your response ahead of time Each habit begins with an external cue, that is, a trigger for 22 | Issue 59 | happiful.com

you to act. Charles Duhigg, the author of The Power of Habit, says that instead of hoping that you will just remember to stick to your positive habits, introduce an obvious cue that will trigger you to choose the right habit. Decide ahead of time that if X happens, then I will do Y. For instance, when I make a cup of tea, I will take my vitamins; when I brush my teeth, I will do breathing exercises; when my alarm rings, I will reach for the gratitude journal. The more specific the cue (cup of tea, breathing exercises, or alarm), the more likely you will follow your new positive habit.

When it comes to any unwanted habits, the same logic applies – but, this time, decide ahead how you are going to change your response to a more positive one. For instance, if a stressful

situation is a cue to activate a craving for sugary food, kick the unwanted habit by deciding ahead of time how differently you are going to react to the stressor. Perhaps you swap the sweets for dried fruits, or go for a walk instead?

2. Change the first step Before your selected behaviour becomes a habit, you will need to repeat it multiple times.

Harvard professor and author of The Happiness Advantage, Shawn Achor, reminds us that the less effort your brain needs to put in taking the first step, the more chance you have of sustaining the desirable behaviour. This means making the first step towards positive habits as easy as possible by applying the ‘path of least resistance’. Want to drink more water? Have a jug at your desk.

3. Integrate positive habits into your identity

Want to start a gratitude journal?

Have it next to your bed. Want to run every day? Leave your sports gear next to your front door.

While making the first step easy is the key to building positive habits, the opposite is true for unwanted habits: you want to make them tricky to implement.

And this is where ‘the path of more resistance’ comes into play.

For instance, if you want to stop eating sweets, put them in the

highest part of your house so that in order to reach them you need to go to a different room to grab a stool, come back with it, climb the stool, open a cupboard, and so on… Similarly, if you wish to watch less TV, take the batteries out of the remote control and hide them in a different part of your home. The harder it is to complete the unwanted habit, the less likely it is that you will continue with it.

James Clear, in his book Atomic Habits, introduces the concept of identity-based habits. Let’s say you wish to start meditating.

Having an outcome-based habit means that you say ‘I am going to meditate three times a week’.

Opposite to that, the identitybased habit encourages you to ask ‘What kind of person do I need to become to mediate?’ You might answer: ‘Well, I need to become a person who sticks to their routine and never misses a session. So even if I have only five minutes today, I still do my meditation because I’m the kind of person who sticks to their commitments.’ Clear shows that people who have identity-based habits are more likely to stick to the new habits after their initial enthusiasm washes away, than people who create outcomebased habits.

So, it’s out with the old, in with the new. Just remember, habits don’t form overnight, be patient with yourself and set realistic goals – small steps are key to reaching new heights. happiful.com | Issue 59 | 23

Anything is possible when you have the right people there to support you MISTY COPELAND

Photography | Ben Masora

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connect more

Men get heartbroken too – no matter what they tell you For too long, males have been regarded as resilient, emotionally tough heartbreakers. But the reality is that they are hurt by grief, betrayal, and loss as much as anyone. It’s time to look again at what it means to be a man Writing | Alex Holmes

D

uring the pandemic, I became enamoured with the Netflix series Sex Education. It was brave in tackling topics – around sexuality, love, and belonging – that had never been possible when I was at school.

In this latest season, I noticed the theme of heartbreak in men, and its lasting legacy in how we handle these conversations as we seek healthy and wholehearted relationships, and wondered why we, as men, feel heartbreak so differently.

In real life, men feel as if they can’t share in the emotions of being heartbroken. Practising love for ourselves is a challenge, and the show gave me a sense that this was a conversation we are still having.

The question I began trying to answer was: do we as men understand what it means to be heartbroken?

As much as we are touted as the purveyors of resilience, emotional stoicism, and are generally the ‘heartbreakers’, I would argue that the hearts we break are our own. Culturally, we have been taught that men don’t get brokenhearted. A myth I believed – until I experienced my own heartbreak.

A painful symptom of heartbreak is disconnection – but heartbreak is not only experienced through romantic love. Grief, betrayal, deep loss of a friendship, as well as the ending of a romantic relationship, are all instrumental instigators of heartbreak.

Emotional vulnerability requires us to navigate parts of ourselves lost at boyhood, and heartbreak is the emotional rupture that requires us to do the necessary work of loving deeper.

My biggest heartbreaks came in the form of friendships ending, and the loss of people I love through the pandemic. The ending of a close friendship, which I had held up as one of my strongest relationships, was followed in 2019 by the death of my nan.

These events caused me to feel extremely alone, disconnected from the world, and struggling to find a way back from the depths of this emotional pain. I struggled to regulate my emotions. I kept exploding in public, with my moods swinging from deep contemplation to periodic anger and weeping. >>> happiful.com | Issue 59 | 25

This heartbreak was helped by therapy, which gave me the tools to articulate what I was feeling, by solid male friendships that held me up and gave me a shoulder to cry on, and by me dedicating myself to the practice of self-compassion.

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My personal healing through journaling created stronger and deeper bonds with my friends and family, and helped me get back to feeling myself again.

Self-compassion, though, is the biggest key to navigating our own heartbreak as men.

We must allow ourselves to feel what is happening, and let the feelings flow freely. We have to acknowledge the pain, and slowly begin to nurture ourselves, without scolding ourselves for feeling this way.

Eminent writer and researcher, bell hooks, in her book, All About Love, describes this disconnection as men being ‘frozen in time’ in boyhood, and that men who are unable to make emotional connections were unable to love because they fear that the loved one will abandon them, and in some cases, betray them.

She goes on to say that women ‘yearn’ for love, while men don’t necessarily yearn, but receive it, knowing what it feels like.

But I would argue that men are in a constant state of yearning, too; and not knowing true love, we hold on to whatever we believe matches what we are told, not what we feel. This leads to further disappointment, disconnection, and heartbreak, because we don’t understand what it’s supposed to be.

One of the biggest failings in the education of boys, in my view, is that ‘matters of the heart’ (e.g. emotional intelligence,

Most male friendships are shoulder-toshoulder, not heart-to-heart.

Going through dark moments is usually done alone, rather than being held together awareness, and vulnerability) are never geared towards us.

So much so, that the more disconnected we become, the more foreign and dangerous these feelings grow.

As a boy, to be otherwise is implicitly unmanly, and that is where we become unstuck. I was made to feel less than, and little did I know that that is our first foray into heartbreak – becoming detached from ourselves.

In my book, Time To Talk: How Men Think About Love, Belonging and Connection, I explained that in my explorations in love, I wasn’t able to make sufficient emotional connections because I felt I wasn’t manly enough if I did. I didn’t feel safe.

Expectations of what it means to be a man result in us not knowing where it is safe to be vulnerable.

An environment where it is safe to share experiences, and explore

connect more

what causes moments of deep pain, is where vulnerability lives. Sharing can make steps toward progress, opening ourselves up to the possibility of love again.

Things to watch for: • Men retreat inward, go to a solitary state of disconnection, and are more likely to enter into addictive states in the wake of grief – and by extension, heartbreak.

Create an environment of safety to talk about what is happening – usually by doing something active, like a walk or something distracting. Many men aren’t used to speaking about what is happening internally, so create a space for them that is safe.

• Watch out for excessive drinking, sexual exploits,

Many men aren’t used to speaking about what is happening internally, so create a space for them that is safe gambling – anything that suppresses the feelings of helplessness and depression.

Encourage journaling, sports, or an activity, to process what is happening.

• Withdrawal from reality. There is a lot of shame that comes with vulnerability in men.

Community is not the easiest for men to come by, as most male friendships are shoulderto-shoulder, not heart-to-heart.

Going through dark moments is usually done alone, rather than being held together.

Encourage group therapy, or joining men’s groups. These are great ways to explore community and reduce loneliness.

Men do go through heartbreak, no matter what they tell you. Through my emotional deepening, I grieved fully. I grieved for the boy who was yearning for love, and had to mend the broken heart of self-betrayal and loneliness that comes with a strong disconnection to the self. Men, like everyone else, are going through life’s ebbs and flows – we are just not well versed in how to express it.

I choose to speak openly about heartbreak, as a way to explain one thing: you are not alone. happiful.com | Issue 59 | 27

Long-distance touchpoints

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60

When your nearest and dearest aren’t so near, try these creative ways to stay in touch

Remote bake off

Choose a recipe, and set a time for each household to get baking. Keep up to date with how everyone’s getting on by live-streaming, or share results afterwards, and let the judging commence. And to top it off, you’ll have a freshly baked treat to enjoy. Win-win!

Create a stirring playlist

Put together a playlist of the songs that remind you of your friend or loved one, ready to whisk them off on a trip down memory lane with the power of music. Alternatively, pick a theme like ‘inspiring’, ‘soothing’, or ‘feel-good’, so they can tap into it any time they need a boost.

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AUS

Solve a murder mystery

If you want to put your brain to the test, completing a murder mystery is the perfect way to add an investigative element to your long-distance socialising. Work together to find clues and discover who the murderer is. Red Herring Games offer a wide selection of virtual murder mysteries to work through, or search for others online. So what are you waiting for? The game is afoot!

Put pen to paper

JP

There’s something so special about a hand-written letter, and more often than not they become precious treasures that we hang on to long after the paper starts to yellow. Even just a short note to let someone know that you were thinking about them is a touching gesture, or a postcard from somewhere you’ve visited invites them along on your travels with you.

Start a book club

A book club is a great way to stay in touch. Pick a book to read, allow plenty of time for everyone to get through it, and then schedule in some time to talk through your thoughts and feelings. You may discover some new all-time favourites!

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food & health

Keepin’ an eye on it What is eye yoga, and how can it help us in these digital times?

Writing | Kat Nicholls

M

y eye health is something I’m keenly aware of, perhaps because nearly 15 years ago I became blind in one eye. After wearing contact lenses while wakeboarding, I developed an infection. This led to a stint in hospital where I heard stories of a surfer who lost sight in both eyes with the same infection. I felt lucky and unlucky all at the same time.

My healthy eye is working hard, but as a short-sighted person with a -7.5 prescription, the fact is I would be completely incapacitated without my glasses. Suffice to say,

I want to do all I can to maintain what remains of my eye health.

In the last couple of years though, I’ve noticed a deterioration in my sight, and I’m not alone. According to a YouGov poll from the charity Fight for Sight, one in three people have noticed their eyesight worsening as a result of increased screen time during the pandemic.

So, what can we do to support our eye health? A wellness trend claims to have the answer: eye yoga. And it is exactly what it sounds like, eye exercises and stretches designed to keep our eyes

healthy. Some enthusiasts claim it can improve vision, but science doesn’t back this up just yet. Instead, it can be seen as a helpful way to ease eye strain and strengthen muscles in the eye area.

With yoga in the name, the practice also encourages us to take time to be mindful.

When doing the exercises, try to take deep breaths and be truly present. We so rarely give ourselves these moments of pause, but they can help reduce stress and overwhelm, helping us feel more capable and in control.

Intrigued? Here are some eye yoga exercises to try... >>> happiful.com | Issue 59 | 29

Palming This is a lovely way to give tired eyes a break, try it after a long day in front of your computer.

• Rub your hands together vigorously to create a sense of heat between your palms.

• Place your palms over closed eyes and take a few deep breaths. Enjoy the warmth and darkness and notice how your eye muscles relax.

• Stay until the heat dissipates.

Blinking Our eyes can become dry when tired, so this exercise is ideal to revitalise and lubricate them.

• Sit up straight and look directly ahead.

• Blink quickly for five to 10 seconds.

• Allow your eyes to close gently for a few seconds before continuing with your day.

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food & health

Focus shifting This exercise helps to strengthen the muscles in our eyes and is a fun challenge.

• Stretch out your left arm in front of you and make a thumbs-up sign with your left hand.

• Focus on your thumb and slowly move your arm to your right, as far as you can without moving your head or neck.

• Then, slowly move your thumb back the other way, staying focused on it throughout.

• Repeat a couple of times.

• Close your eyes to rest them for a few seconds before continuing with your day.

Eye rolling Another strengthening exercise, eye-rolling is also a chance to practice mindfulness – what do you notice around you as you roll your eyes?

• Sit up straight and slowly look up above you towards the ceiling, keeping your head still.

• Roll your eyes over to the right so you’re looking as far right as you can.

• Roll your eyes down to the floor.

• Roll your eyes towards the left.

• Roll them back up to the ceiling.

• Look straight ahead and take some deep breaths before repeating in the other direction.

If your eyes are feeling tired or you’re feeling unwell, avoid the strengthening exercises and instead focus on the ones that offer a chance to rest.

Alongside eye yoga, it’s important to be aware of general eye health tips promoted by experts, such as:

The 20:20:20 rule

For every 20 minutes of screen time take a break, focusing your eyes about 20 feet into the distance for 20 seconds. Visit ergonomictrends.com/20-20-20rest-eyes-health-tool for a helpful desktop timer.

Get regular eye tests

Getting your eyes looked at by professionals regularly (even if you don’t notice a change in vision), gives them the chance to spot emerging conditions early and discuss any concerns with you.

Protect your eyes

This means wearing safety goggles when necessary, sunglasses when sunny, and don’t wear your contact lenses in water (trust me on that one!).

Eat to support eye health

Eating a balanced diet rich in vitamins C and E, omega-3 fatty acids, and zinc can go a long way in supporting eye health.

Enjoy leafy green veg, oily fish, nuts, and citrus fruits to reap the benefits. It’s also helpful to stay hydrated, as our eyes need moisture, so keep up with your water intake.

Being able to see is an incredible privilege and something we shouldn’t take for granted

Quit smoking

Smoking can increase your chance of getting cataracts and damage to the optic nerve.

There are many health benefits to quitting, so go ahead and add ‘protecting your sight’ as another one to the list.

When it comes down to it, being able to see is an incredible privilege and something we shouldn’t take for granted. By taking care of our eyes, we’re protecting our future vision, and I hope you now see this as clearly as I do. happiful.com | Issue 59 | 31

Ask the experts Clinical psychologist Dr Selina Tour explains what somatic therapy is, and how it’s used Read more about Dr Selina Tour on counselling-directory.org.uk

Q

Can you tell us what somatic therapy is and the premise behind it?

A

The body is viewed as an important source of information – telling us about ourselves and our difficulties – and, as such, in somatic therapy, we bring the body and all that it tells us into the therapy process. The premise behind it is that our experiences and previous traumas are stored in our bodies – in their sensations, urges, and movements.

Sometimes unresolved trauma and conflict can get stuck in the body, and somatic therapies aim to treat the somatic symptoms of our difficulties through understanding the body, and what it is conveying to us, releasing trauma through it, and finding ways to be in a state of wellbeing.

Q

What are some of the techniques that may be used in a somatic therapy session?

A

There are different types of somatic therapies and each may incorporate the body in varying ways. Your therapist may notice how your body responds to what you say through a process of tracking. For example, they may notice that your hands become restless when you discuss a difficulty, or your body slumping

Q

What can somatic therapy help with?

A

Somatic therapy can help to reduce emotional and physical pain from trauma, relationship and attachment difficulties, anxiety, depression, and somatic complaints. It can

when you talk about feeling powerless.

You may focus on an experience such as restlessness to better understand it, paying attention to how it impacts your sensations, movements, and signals.

You may also experiment with body-based techniques to notice what supports you. For example, you may use your breathing and movement to see how it impacts the somatic experience. This can help to release trauma, soothe, support, and return us to our equilibrium.

help us understand why our body responds the way it does, and find ways to return to a state of calm when we feel overwhelmed, stressed, or triggered. Clients often say they feel lighter, and as if they have been able to release what they are holding, making space for other things.

Counselling Directory is part of the Happiful Family | Helping you find the help you need

wellbeing

Selina’s top three tips for getting more in tune with your mind-body connection Body posture experiment: Hunch over your shoulders and slump in the chair. Notice how you generally feel in your body, notice your gaze, notice your energy.

Next, sit up with your spine upright, but comfortable, with feet flat on the floor. Notice how you feel in this position. Experiment with the two positions and notice how a simple posture change can impact your experience.

Music experiment: Play some upbeat music and notice how your body responds, notice if there is an urge to dance and move.

Next, play some sad songs with a slow tempo, and notice how your body responds differently and the emotions experienced.

Tense/release: Notice which part of your body is holding the most tension. Tense that area even more, hold for five to 10 seconds, then release. Repeat five times.

Notice the difference between the tense/release states.

happiful.com | Issue 59 | 33

Unlikely friendships

Four stories of how chance meetings and unusual pairings evolved into something to be treasured Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

W

hat is it that brings two seemingly fundamentally different people together? Fate, circumstances, the natural human desire to connect with one another? It could be said that, whatever it is, it’s made harder in an age of bubbles – social, political, and ideological – where we’re surrounded in both our virtual and real worlds by people who look and act similarly to ourselves.

But what happens when we reach across the lines to connect with people who wouldn’t usually make it into our inner circles? Here, we speak to four people who took fleeting moments of connection, and turned them into lifelong friendships.

34 | Issue 59 | happiful.com

Sophia and Regina Sophia met Regina in 2017, when she was on her way to Germany for a work trip.

They were sitting in the same aisle on the plane, both travelling solo. When Sophia complimented Regina’s scarf, something clicked and they discovered that they had a lot in common – both having parents who had lived with the effects of Alzheimer’s.

“We exchanged numbers during the plane trip,” Sophia says. “In these situations, sometimes people may be polite and take your contact details, and you don’t hear from them. This was not the case for us, as we met up the next day.”

After that, no matter where they were in the world, Sophia and Regina made an effort to stay in touch. “On one trip, I stayed with her for three months,” Sophia says. “[Regina] opened up her house for me as I needed some respite. I felt so much more confident after that trip, like a new version of me had been born.

“The sad thing is, she passed away last year. I felt devastated, losing such a good friend. I couldn’t attend her funeral due to the Covid restrictions, but wrote a letter – and when I was going through the motions of grieving, I made a vow to her that I will be brave like her, and continue to go on adventures.” >>>

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Steps to connect Sometimes, it can feel as though opportunities to connect with others are rare, but technology is there to give us a helping hand...

Bumble BFF: The well-known dating app has a mode dedicated to finding friends.

Create a profile introducing yourself, and ‘match’ with likeminded people in your area.

Meetup: Available as an app and a website, Meetup lists social groups close to you, where you can get together to do activities or simply to stay social.

From book clubs to walking groups, gaming communities and more, there’s something for everyone.

Nextdoor: The Nextdoor app brings communities together to share news, find services, and socialise. Get to know the people who live near you, and connect over common interests.

Peanut: Peanut is an app that helps women who are at the same stage in life to connect with each other – from fertility to pregnancy, motherhood, and menopause. Find people who just get it, and unlock the power of friendship and peer support.

Sylvia and Alice “In January 2002, I had just moved to Edinburgh and invited my new neighbours round for a cuppa. Alice, the elderly lady on the top floor couldn’t make it, but saw me a few days later.

I introduced myself: ‘Hello, I’m Sylvia. I’m from Germany, I’ve just moved to my beloved Britain, so good to meet you.’ She looked at me and said, “Germany? Well, there are some nice people.’”

Born in 1924, Alice was more than 40 years older than Sylvia.

But, as they continued to bump into each other in the stairwell and on the bus, a very special friendship began to develop.

“When she decided to move into sheltered housing, I lost a neighbour, but not a friend,” Sylvia says. “I still visited her, sometimes I was able to persuade her to let me get her shopping for her. When I got a sports car, she joined me for a spin – not easy to get in and out of a low car, especially in your 90s!”

Three years ago, Syliva moved from Edinburgh to Kent, but she and Alice still talk weekly.

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You could be my granny but, to me, you are a very dear and inspirational friend “Alice is a great role model, she’s kind but feisty, very funny, very independent, and happy with herself and her life – her stories definitely tell of a life well-lived.

I said in my speech at her 80th birthday: ‘Technically, you could be my granny, or you could be my mum – but to me, you are a very dear and inspirational friend.”

Sarah and Dave Sarah says: “I first met Dave via his Instagram account @soberdave. Since losing my dad to alcohol use disorder in 2017, I have been on a mission to quash the stigmas attached to the illness and encourage people to seek the support they deserve. I had recently done a TEDx talk titled

‘Alcoholism – The deadly truth about its stigma’, and I was on a desperate mission to spread my message far and wide,” Sarah explains. “I sent the link to the talk to Dave, and asked him to share it with his followers.”

“On the rare occasion that I was relaxing at home, I got Sarah’s message,” Dave recalls. “I had the chance to watch Sarah’s talk, which had a massive impact on me. I remember thinking I could have been in Sarah’s dad’s position, it could have been me who died from my alcohol addiction.”

After her initial message, Dave invited Sarah on to his podcast ‘One for the Road’, where she shared her family’s story in a safe, supportive space.

“I was riddled with guilt, and Dave helped to put things into perspective for me. By sharing his perspective (also my dad’s perspective), he gave me another chance to understand my dad’s illness, which reaffirmed that it wasn’t my fault.”

From there, their friendship flourished, as they introduced each other to their families and went on to give talks in schools – each sharing their different but united perspectives.

“Being friends with Dave has given me the opportunity to ask questions that I didn’t get the chance to ask my dad, and has helped me find some closure, which I will be eternally grateful for,” Sarah explains. Dave agrees, sharing that it feels special to have Sarah be a part of his life.

“There comes sadness and joy from our friendship – out of a tragic situation our friendship

connect more

Sarah and Dave 1

Out of a tragic situation, our friendship has blossomed

Estelle and Sally

has blossomed,” Dave says. “I feel connected to Sarah’s dad, Steve, and I feel as though he has picked me to help Sarah get the message out there. I could have been in his position, and I feel a deep connection because of that.”

“I’m often asked whether I find our friendship difficult or painful, given my dad didn’t survive his addiction,” Sarah reflects. “But I simply reply with ‘no, not at all’. My dad battled his addiction valiantly, but his death also led me to be the person I am today, and I believe I am a better version of myself.”

Estelle and Sally When asked what their first impressions of each other were, Sally says Estelle was “tiny and friendly”, and Estelle says, “Sally had a posh accent.”

The pair met in 2007, when Sally was looking for a beauty therapist to visit her mum who had terminal cancer, and found Sally’s details in the Yellow Pages.

1st

“Estelle got my friendship after she was so good with my mum,” Sally says. “She really made her feel special. We met for coffee before and afterwards, and she’s been popping around ever since.

She’s been there for me during my pregnancy, mum’s death, and all the ups and downs of life.”

“We were pregnant at the same time,” adds Estelle, “So we had a shared experience, which brought us closer together. I was in an unhappy relationship, and Sally supported me while I was with him, and afterwards.

When I moved two streets away, I would run down (often in my pjs) to spend time together in the evenings.”

As the pair see it, the fundamental key to their friendship has been unconditionally accepting each other for who they really are, and being there as a pillar of support through some of the toughest things life can throw at you.

“I know that I can call Sally at any time night or day (which I have done a few times) and she will be there for me,” Estelle says, and Sally agrees.

“I am,” Sally says. “And I know that even if I rang her at stupido-clock at night, she would be here like a shot.”

Good friendships can sometimes take us by surprise, coming out of nowhere, or developing slowly over time, to turn into something incredibly meaningful. We don’t necessarily know how valuable they are until we take time to really reflect on their meaning, nor do we often consider the ways that they open up our worlds – we’re too busy actually living in them. But what these stories tell us is that friendships can come to us in unlikely and unusual ways, and yet fulfil the most natural of human needs: to connect. happiful.com | Issue 59 | 37

Happiful reads...

From climate anxiety to a must-read romantic comedy, we share four books you won’t want to miss Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford

I

t’s virtually impossible to scroll through social media or watch the news without coming across the climate emergency. For many, this can trigger feelings of worry, sadness, guilt, and even grief.

Yet, for some, it can also trigger a sense of motivation, care, and connection.

Written by psychologists with extensive experience in tackling

Turn the Tide on Climate Anxiety by Megan Kennedy-Woodard and Patrick Kennedy-Williams Out now eco-anxiety, this book helps you discover how to harness and validate your emotions around climate change, and transform them into positive action.

Helping readers to assess and

understand their responses to help move away from unhealthy defence mechanisms, discover how sustainable action can empower you towards change for the better – for both you, and the planet.

Welcome to Your Life by Bethany Rutter 31 March 2022 Serena should be at her wedding.

Instead, she’s eating an ice cream sundae and drinking an obscenely large glass of wine in a Harvester off the M25. Everyone thinks she’s made a mistake, but Serena wants to find love that she deserves – not just love she should feel grateful for. So, she sets herself a challenge: 52 weeks. 52 dates. 52 chances to find love.

The Vertical Veg Guide to Container Gardening by Mark Ridsdill Smith 24 March 2022 Long to grow your own veg but don’t have the space? The Vertical Veg Man will show you how. Turn walls, balconies, windowsills, and patios into homes for delicious homegrown food. Learn how you can make the most of your space, grow throughout the year, and contribute to the sustainability of your local community.

Must reads Body Work by Melissa Febos 17 March 2022 Mixing memoir and master class, Body Work tackles the emotional, psychological, and physical work of writing intimately. How do we capture the relationships that have formed us? How do we write about our bodies, desires, and traumas? And who do our most intimate stories really belong to? Offering a captivating guide to writing, readers and writers alike will feel empowered.

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wellbeing

t u o b a s h t y Five m r e d r o s i d skin picking eriences of xp e ir e th g n ri a sh le e numbers of peop and shame. It’s tim o o Despite growing b ta in d e d u , it’s still shro n dermatillomania derstood conditio n u is m e th n o t h to shine a lig Brown Writing | Lauren

I

didn’t realise that my secret habit of skin picking had spiralled out of control until one cold, dark night in November, about three years ago.

I’d finished my shift at work and had, as I’d been doing every Thursday for several weeks, walked the five minutes it took to get from my office to the rundown community centre where I met my counsellor.

Her room was a haven of soft hues and curved lines, the orange light slightly dimmed and the air was warm, inviting. The air smelled of play-dough, which sat on the table like an offering. She mainly saw children, but I was one of a handful of adults on her roster.

I sank into the soft chair nestled in the corner and when asked how I’d been, started talking about the

things we usually talked about: my anxieties, my mood. The usual. It felt good, restorative.

It was only when there were two or three minutes left on the clock that I started unexpectedly shaking. My heart was pounding, and, panicked, I blurted out: “I can’t leave yet.”

“OK,” she said, her kind voice calming me instantly. “We can stay a little longer. Is everything OK?” “Well…”

At that moment, what I’d pushed down and down for weeks rose to the surface with frightening clarity. There was a single toilet cubicle in that building, with a small square mirror above the cistern. After every one of my sessions, I’d locked myself in there and picked

my skin, completely zoned out and numb, before leaving and getting the train home. The hellish pull that dingy room exerted over me was torment.

“I can’t stop picking my skin,” I said. I’d already Googled those words in the safety of home, but now I’d said it aloud it was real.

Since then, I’ve had highintensity cognitive behaviour therapy and am to this day working on strategies I hope will one day help me to stop completely. Along the way, though, I’ve felt ashamed, brought low by common misconceptions of the disorder and how hard it really is. There are some myths I wish I, and others, had known were just myths when I embarked on my path to recovery. Here, I’m debunking them. >>> happiful.com | Issue 59 | 39

1. It’s just a bad habit The act of picking one’s skin can, for some people, be chalked up to bad habits, in the same way some people bite their nails. It’s a question of scale, intensity, and personal experience.

What makes certain skin picking behaviours reach ‘disorder’ status, is when they start to detrimentally impact the person’s life and become compulsive.

It’s when these body-focused repetitive behaviours (BFRBs) are taken to the extreme, when they spiral out of control and start to serve some kind of emotional purpose (which can be complicated, entwined for some in anxiety and the self-soothing they feel while doing it; for others it’s an attempt to perfect perceived imperfections) that they move beyond just habit. Many people who pick experience a sort of ‘high’ or release while doing it – myself included – such that it becomes addictive, an urge that feels impossible not to act on.

Related to obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), for some people skin picking goes way beyond being a habit, and needs to be treated as such.

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2. If you tell anyone, they’ll think you’re disgusting or unhygienic It took me so long to admit I had a problem because I was so scared that whoever I told, whether a medical professional or not, would be repulsed by my ‘dirty secret’ and think I was weird.

These are things I told myself every day – and if I thought them about myself, surely someone else would, too?

But the truth is, most people are open to understanding, even

if it’s something they’ve never heard of before, because the person you’ve likely chosen to tell (if they’re not a medical professional) will probably be a friend or loved one.

And if it is a medical professional you’ve disclosed your problem to, they’ll definitely have seen it before and won’t react in the way you’re worried about. Around one in 20 people are thought to be affected by skin picking disorder (SPD), so you’re not alone.

wellbeing

Book cover | goodreads.com

Most people are open to understanding, even if it’s something they’ve never heard of before 3. It’s not that big of a deal and will go away on its own

4. It only happens to people with pre-existing skin conditions

This ties in closely with the ‘It’s just a habit’ myth but, for me, it goes deeper because for a long time I put off asking for help because I didn’t think SPD was a legitimate mental health complaint, and that it would just go away on its own.

I’d constantly brush it under the carpet, telling myself to pull it together because it wasn’t that big of a deal, and that I could stop whenever I wanted.

Alas, as with all mental health issues, it thrived in the shadows and spawned bigger and bigger until I just couldn’t lie to myself anymore.

Dermatillomania is a legitimate reason to seek out the medical help and support you deserve, try not to waste time talking yourself out of it!

Some people think the disorder is related to other skin conditions such as eczema, but that’s not necessarily the case.

Of course, people with skin conditions may develop dermatillomania, just as people without it might, and it’s true that triggers for some can include rough patches of skin or blemishes, so this can certainly play a part. But lots of sufferers in the grip of SPD find themselves picking areas which, to anyone else, would look like smooth, even, bumpless skin.

The reality is that all skin has texture – it’s an organ characterised by pores and is always changing – and those seeking out somewhere to pick won’t ever be short of surfaces.

5. You’ll never feel happy in your own skin Part of the shame spiral I feel after a particularly nasty picking session is the hopeless, seemingly unshakeable, un-get-round-able idea that my skin will never be the same again: that I’ve caused irreparable damage I can never undo.

Sure, it would be a lie to say that the ensuing scars will fully go away. But it would also be a lie to say that even a person without dermatillomania’s skin will be the same day-today, week-to-week, month-tomonth anyway.

The best thing my counsellor, the one I was telling you about, ever said to me was this, and I repeat it to myself often when I’m feeling that familiar shame: “Let yourself off the hook.”

‘Hands’, Lauren Brown’s memoir about anxiety and skin picking, has been published by Harper North and is now available from all good bookstores. happiful.com | Issue 59 | 41

How to support a loved one with health anxiety

Practical tips for being there for someone in their time of need Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

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hen a loved one is struggling with their mental health, many of us will want to do as much as we can to support them – and doing so is vitally important. But when it comes to supporting someone with health anxiety, there are a plethora of things to consider.

“It can be very difficult to support somebody with health anxiety,” says Dr Sophie Gwinnett, a clinical psychologist.

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“At times, their fears might seem irrational or illogical, and this might make you feel frustrated, stressed, or worried.”

So, how can you navigate conversations, and offer your loved one the best support you can? Here, with help from Dr Gwinnett, we explore five tips.

1. LISTEN AND TALK One of the first hurdles we can come up against when trying to be there for someone is thinking

that we need to have all the answers. This is particularly difficult when considering health anxiety, as you might feel as though you need to have a good understanding of the problems your loved one is worried about.

But this isn’t the case – so often, just listening is the best thing you can do.

“Allowing them to share their fears while you provide a listening, supportive ear can help,” says Dr Gwinnett.

food & health

What is health anxiety?

“Don’t force them to talk, but be available should they approach you for support.”

2. SET BOUNDARIES “While listening is helpful, conversations about health anxiety can sometimes become intrusive and repetitive,” Dr Gwinnett says. “In this case, lots of talking and reassurance may be counterproductive.

“If your loved one is asking you to check symptoms frequently, or conversations about health anxiety are dominating most of your time together, suggest having a specific time of day which is dedicated to discussing their fears.”

Setting boundaries can be a tough thing to do, especially if you know that you still want to be there for them in some capacity.

Take some time to think about what you reasonably can and can’t support them with, and understand that it’s OK to take these actions.

3. BE ACCEPTING OF THEIR THOUGHTS AND EMOTIONS Can you think back to a time where you were experiencing anxiety? How real did those worried feelings seem to you?

Probably very real. Health anxiety is just the same, and so the last thing you should do is try to downplay what they’re going through.

“No matter how absurd or irrational the beliefs seem to you, don’t dismiss their fears (‘That’s

silly, try to cheer up’),” says Dr Gwinnett. “Accept that your loved one is genuinely battling with fears that feel very real to them (try, ‘I can see how overwhelmed you’re feeling; this is really hard for you’).”

NO MATTER HOW ABSURD OR IRRATIONAL THE BELIEFS SEEM TO YOU, DON’T DISMISS THEIR FEARS 4. SUPPORT THEM TO CONTINUE ENGAGING WITH WHAT MATTERS “Avoidance and anxiety often go hand in hand,” Dr Gwinnett explains. “Support your loved one to stay connected with friends and family and to engage in activities that are meaningful to them.”

It’s easy to let anxiety spiral out of control, consuming every waking thought. And so taking steps to help your loved one is a really great practical way to support them. What activities do they find joy in? Could you take part in them together?

5. SEEK SUPPORT FOR YOURSELF “It can be difficult to support someone who is experiencing health anxiety and their fear and worry can impact your mood, too,” adds Dr Gwinnett. “Do seek support for yourself from trusted friends or a GP.” Ultimately, if you’re not taking care of yourself, you won’t be in the best position to take care

Health anxiety is when you excessively worry that you're ill, or about getting ill, to the point where it intrudes into the rest of your life. According to the NHS, signs include: • Constantly worrying about your health.

• Frequently checking your body for signs of illness, such as lumps, tingling, or pain.

• Always asking people for reassurance that you're not ill.

• Worrying that a doctor or medical tests may have missed something.

• Obsessively looking at health information on the internet, or in the media.

• Avoiding anything to do with serious illness, such as medical TV programmes.

• Acting as if you were ill. of someone else, which is why looking after your own wellbeing is a vital part of supporting a loved one with health anxiety. So, remember: set boundaries, listen to your needs, and reach out to someone you trust if you need more support.

Dr Sophie Gwinnett is a clinical psychologist with a special interest in health-related issues. Find out more by visiting counselling-directory.org.uk happiful.com | Issue 59 | 43

To the world you may be just one person, but to one person you may be the world DR SEUSS Photography | Eduardo Dutra

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true story

Learning to fight for what I need Life-threatening allergies filled Ruth with anxiety as she tried to navigate the world around her. It wasn’t until later in life that she finally understood how her health affected the relationship she had with herself, and that’s when everything changed

I

Writing | Ruth Holroyd

t was Christmas 2018, and I was enjoying a meal out with work colleagues when my most severe anaphylactic reaction happened.

I took a forkful of my ‘special dairy-free’ salmon starter, that the chef had prepared for me, and my mouth started to tingle and I felt that itching, swelling feeling I dreaded so much begin to spread to my throat. I knew instantly that the dairy-free meal I’d been promised had more dairy in it than a dairy farm. Minutes later, hives began to spread up my arms and over my body and staff were dialling 999. In less than 10 minutes, my whole body was shaking and going into shock. I was unconscious, in an ambulance, on my way to intensive care.

My life-threatening anaphylactic reaction could have been avoided if the pub in Hertfordshire, which had a 5-star food hygiene rating, had had an effective communication processes in place, and the staff had been trained. But the staff were oblivious to what a serious allergy meant and how to deal with one. In the end, the authorities fined the pub £23,000 after they pleaded guilty to offences under the Food Safety Act 1990 and Food Safety and Hygiene Regulations 2013.

Every time I walk into a restaurant, I am trusting them with my life. I am severely allergic to all nuts and dairy, and I live with a very real fear that any day could bring a fatal anaphylactic reaction.

I’ve had allergies all my life, starting with hay fever and reactions to dogs, cats, and dust as a small child. But it took my mum a while to work out that I was also allergic to nuts. I’d never liked them and avoided them, but kept eating them by mistake in chocolates, cakes, and biscuits. There were no labelling laws back then, especially for ‘may contain’ ingredients, so it was a bit like playing Russian roulette!

I wasn’t officially diagnosed until my first life-threatening anaphylactic reaction at age 19, after eating an Indian meal that contained peanuts. After one mouthful I began projectile vomiting, and it was much worse than previous reactions. In the morning I felt terrible. My eyes were swollen shut and my nose and throat were almost closed too. It really was like something out of a horror movie.

Fast forward through more than 20 allergic reactions to all nuts and now to dairy, and we get the point that things began to unravel. I knew anaphylaxis was serious and took responsibility for keeping myself safe. I always checked and carried my adrenaline but still had reactions after eating out, takeaway meals, crosscontamination at BBQs, dinner parties, cakes friends had made me. I made mistakes myself when I just hadn’t checked an ingredients label properly. But I’d always stayed conscious, able to administer adrenaline and speak to paramedics. >>>

happiful.com | Issue 59 | 45

Then something in my body changed.

Three years ago, at a work conference in Palm Springs, California, we had breakfast at a cafe where they didn’t understand how serious my dairy allergy was. They served me a muffin that contained milk as an ingredient, despite assuring me it was OK. I ended up in A&E and fell unconscious before the ambulance arrived. Four hours in the hospital and I recovered, but that really scared me. I remember hearing through the haze of confusion one doctor telling a nurse: “She’s not going to die on my watch!” That really hit home.

I’ve always been a positive person with loads of empathy for others. But after these two serious reactions, waking up and having no idea what had happened to me, I began to really struggle with anxiety and panic attacks.

It’s strange looking back, but I just didn’t realise what I was experiencing until I found myself stranded in London unable to figure out how to walk, let alone use public transport to get to my brother’s house. This made me realise I had been having worsening anxiety for some time. I hadn’t wanted to accept that these were panic attacks. I was strong. I could cope.

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What I came to understand through counselling, was that I had zero compassion for myself Except I couldn’t cope. I would find myself crying in the toilets at work when invited out for lunch, unable to explain why I was so terrified.

Each time I broke down, it became harder and harder to talk about things. I refused to open up and when anyone did ask me whether I was OK, I would be unable to discuss how I felt without crying. Instead of seeing this as a warning, I just clammed up even more.

I thought that by being positive and putting on a brave face I’d be OK. That by writing my whatallergy.com blog about eczema, allergies, and asthma – and helping others understand and get support for their allergies, that I was being positive and proactive. What I came to understand through counselling, was that I had zero compassion for myself. I remember vividly when my therapist asked me to say out loud that I loved myself. I told her I couldn’t, that I’d feel stupid. And she said, “But why can’t you say I love you to yourself? Just try saying it”. I wept and wept. It was uncontrollable. I suddenly realised that I didn’t love myself and that hurt.

true story

Every time I walk into a restaurant, I am trusting them with my life I had been internally berating myself for years.

Telling myself the anaphylactic reactions were my fault. That I should stay at home. I was a freak.

I had all these ridiculous allergies. I was alone, single, and no one would ever love me.

It took a long time and lots of practise to have the same love for myself that I had for everyone else.

So, I discovered self-love in running, (it’s my saviour), and in early morning walks. Listening

to audiobooks, reading, and writing. Guided meditations, and poetry writing or journaling.

Relaxing in an evening bath, listening to music or a podcast. Indulging myself with yin and restorative yoga. Cooking lovely free-from meals from scratch while dancing in the kitchen. I now make time for these things like these every day.

I wouldn’t be in the position I am today without therapy. So, when I was asked to share my journey in a book I said yes. The writing was like another therapy session and it taught me even more about how far I’d come, what I’d learnt and how grateful I am to those people who saw me struggling and pushed me to get help.

‘The Reluctant Allergy Expert: How to kill the fear that anaphylaxis could kill you’ by Ruth Holroyd (£10.50), available on Amazon.

OUR EXPERT SAYS Dealing with allergies can bring a sense of being out of control – especially when the impact is as significant as it is for Ruth. It isn’t surprising then that when the panic attacks began, it made her question her own strength.

The truth is, Ruth has been incredibly strong. Panic attacks are an attempt by our

subconscious to protect ourselves from threat, but the trigger is over-heightened.

Ruth’s approach of positive habits, and seeking help is a wonderful way to move forward.

Rachel Coffey | BA MA NLP Mstr Life coach

happiful.com | Issue 59 | 47

10

Sustainable habits to get into in 2022 Up your eco-game this year, with these 10 essential tips to support the planet Writing | Rebecca Thair

W

hen it comes to being environmentallyfriendly, small changes really do have a big impact in the long run. Making adjustments to some of your daily habits, and a few conscious decisions, can set you up as a much better supporter of Mother Earth, so why not make this the year to fully commit to your eco ambitions? Let’s begin.

Buy waste-based. Many brands are turning trash into treasure these days, such as Rens trainers which are made from recycled coffee grounds and plastic bottles, and Naturally Fresh’s cat litter, created from discarded walnut shells. Choosing these types of products means you can support eco-innovation and reduce waste, encouraging more brands to consider their impact.

Do your research. Investing time in looking into the places you shop, and the companies you support, could be really enlightening. You can find out whether your bank is investing in clean energy, or fossil fuels, or how ethical your go-to makeup brand is. With so much choice out there, whether we’re the consumer on the street, or the big brand at the top, we all have a responsibility to do our part to protect the planet – make sure you put your customer voice behind those that do.

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Grow your own. While this is a longer-term investment, getting green fingered can save you money, reduce waste, and means you get the freshest produce. Plus, tending to your own mini-allotment, and getting your hands dirty, can really benefit your mental health, with horticulture found to reduce depression, anxiety, and symptoms of stress.

try this at home

Choose energy saving bulbs. This is a simple switch in your home that saves significant energy (70–80%), and in turn money, but also makes life easier. These more environmentally-friendly bulbs typically last between 10 and 25 times as long as traditional filament bulbs, meaning the chances of you being left in the dark are much slimmer. The benefits really are illuminating.

Air dry your clothes. Using a good, old-fashioned washing line to air things out rather than a tumble dryer can, again, save a lot of energy and money – in fact it’s reported that swapping to a clothes line for a year could reduce your carbon footprint by 2,400 pounds.

Plus, hanging your clothes typically protects them a little more so they last longer, and when spring is in the air, who wouldn’t want that fresh air infused into your clothing?

Ditch fast fashion. Focus on quality staples over quantity, with a capsule wardrobe that can save you a lot of time, space, and reduce waste. You could also consider second-hand shopping when a new outfit is needed, either through finding hidden gems in charity shops, or apps such as Vinted and Depop.

Walk it out. Remember how much you valued time outside during lockdown? Keep that love alive by considering each journey, and whether travelling on foot or by public transport could work instead. Whatever way you look at it, it’s a step in the right direction.

Getting your hands dirty can really benefit your mental health Invest in a food waste caddy.

Separating your food waste and scraps frees up space in your general waste bin, can prevent that main bin in your house from smelling after a day or two, and can be used for composting – benefiting your garden, too.

You can put both cooked and uncooked items in your caddy, including meat, cheese, pasta, even eggshells and coffee grounds. Be sure not to include any plastics or packaging though!

Shop small. Supporting small businesses benefits the community, and often means you’ll have a more personal and beneficial customer experience – you’ll have the positive feeling of knowing you’re helping someone achieve their dreams, too. Plus, if you can shop local, you’ll reduce carbon emissions to help the environment as well.

Buy less. The overall consensus, and it’s a simple one, is that buying only what you need is the way to go. You can reduce waste, and bolster your bank account at the same time – shopping smart is the future. happiful.com | Issue 59 | 49

Share the love Enjoy all colours of the rainbow, and follow our guide to creating the ultimate sweet and savoury grazing boards Writing | Alex Allan

G

razing boards, or sharing platters, are an excellent way to prepare food when entertaining. They’re easy to put together and can look very impressive, so are a great idea if you’re pushed for time but still

want the WOW factor – they definitely look better than a bowl of crisps! Plus, it’s a perfect opportunity to eat seasonally, as these foods will be the most delicious and nutritious.

There’s no particular science to putting them together, but start

by placing larger items (such as bowls of dip or cheeses) in the corners and the centre to create an outline, and then fill in the spaces with the smaller items. Go for a range of colours, textures, and sizes to create interest, and let creativity flow!

Savoury grazing platter Centrepieces:

Colour:

Crunch:

Depth:

Sun-dried tomatoes or artichokes

Gluten-free crackers

Hummus

Olives and capers

Oatcakes

Beetroot hummus

Organic goat cheese

Cherry tomatoes

Walnuts

Olives

Smoked tofu

Dates or dried apricots

Pecans

Capers

Sliced apple or pear

Smoked almonds

Guacamole

Grapes or figs

Carrot batons

Baba ganoush

Pomegranate seeds or cherries

Celery sticks

Tzatziki

Roasted butternut squash pieces

Gluten-free breadsticks

Falafel

Green beans

Cucumber slices

Cornichons or pickled onions

Organic cheese wheel – cheddar, brie, stilton

Nitrate-free charcuterie, eg. naturally cured salami

Tempeh bites

Vegan feta

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Interest:

Handfuls of rocket or watercress

Fragrant sprigs of rosemary or sage

Edible flowers

Sweet grazing platter Centrepieces:

Colour:

Crunch:

Depth:

Interest:

Strawberries dipped in dark chocolate

Blueberries, blackberries, raspberries

Fruit and seed oatcakes

Dark chocolate dip

Edible flowers

Home-made flapjacks

Watermelon slices

Walnuts or pecans

Honey

Bowls of organic or vegan yoghurt sprinkled with cinnamon

Mango and pineapple pieces on cocktail sticks Clementines or satsumas

Sweet herbs such as tarragon or basil

Halved passion fruit

Flaked almonds and dried coconut

Almonds or hazelnuts Dark chocolate bark

The healthy bit

Method: • Depending on the needs of your guests, choose a mixture of meats and cheese, or go entirely vegetarian or vegan. If guests have dietary requirements, such as dairy-free, it’s easy to adapt.

• Opt for the best ingredients that you can get, for example, nitrate-free charcuterie; organic, free-range cheeses; and sugar-free, additive-free dips.

• Try to assemble the board not long before serving, so the softer elements don’t bruise or go dry.

• Don’t forget crackers, oatcakes, or celery for people to use with the dips and cheeses.

• Use a good variety of textures.

Make sure to pick a few ingredients from each column so you have crunch and depth.

• If you are using larger fruits, like figs, pears, or apples, tear or chop them into different shapes, so that it looks appealing on the platter and is easy to pick up.

• Dot around decorative small bowls to hold dips or items like olives and capers.

• With any jarred ingredients, such as sun-dried tomatoes or artichokes, don’t forget to drain them before putting them in bowls. You can then drizzle with olive or chilli oil, and sprinkle with seeds or herbs to add interest.

Grazing boards look beautiful, and you don’t have to resort to crisps and dips, or other processed snacks. Plus, the variety of plant foods that you can include on your boards – fruits, vegetables, nuts and seeds, legumes, herbs, and spices – all add up to your five-a-day!

Plants contain different pigments, or phytonutrients, which give them their distinctive colours, and different phytonutrients have distinctive health benefits.

For example, research shows that anthocyanins, the phytonutrients in berries and grapes which gives them their red, purple, and blue colours, may have anti-inflammatory and anti-microbial effects!

Alex Allan is a registered nutritional therapist and member of the Guild of Health Writers, specialising in gut and hormone health.

Find more on her profile at nutritionist-resource.org.uk happiful.com | Issue 59 | 51

Stovetop simmer pots to s o o t h e the senses Scent your home, the natural way

O

Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

Artwork | Charlotte Reynell

ur sense of smell is a powerful tool, and the right scent at the right time has the ability to support relaxation, lift our energy levels, and create a general sense of wellbeing and happiness.

Scented candles are a hugely popular choice for many, and, according to research from point-of-sale software company Vend, us Brits collectively spend a staggering £1.9 billion on candles each year, working out at about £44.40 each – quite the investment.

But candles aren’t the only option when it comes to scenting a home, and with concerns about the effect burning paraffin wax can have on both human and animal health, you may be on the hunt for an equally aromatic alternative.

Simmer pots (sometimes called stovetop potpourri) have been the answer for many generations, and simply involve gently simmering a pot of water and natural ingredients on the hob, to release beautiful aromas into your home. And they couldn’t be

easier to make: simply fill a pan with water, add your ingredients, and simmer gently throughout the day – just make sure to keep the water topped up, and add or subtract ingredient qualities depending on your desired intensity.

Cheap, cheerful, and an opportunity to get creative with different combinations of ingredients, here, we’re sharing six simmer pot recipes to fill your home with incredible aromatic auras.

Stimulating citrus

Homey coffee

Fresh floral

There’s something about the sharp smell of citrus fruits that cuts through dull air, leaving us feeling energised and invigorated. Orange and lemon scents have a fresh, clean smell about them, making this the perfect pot to pop on the hob after you’ve finished tidying your home.

You will need: • A sliced orange • A sliced lemon • A handful of fresh ginger, sliced into pieces 52 | Issue 59 | happiful.com

Coffee is one of those scents that instantly warms the soul and fills us with a sense of comfort – just think about the feeling of walking into a warm coffee shop on a breezy day.

This simmer pot takes the blankety smell of coffee, and mixes it with warm spices, to create the ultimate homey, cosy concoction.

You will need: • A handful of coffee beans • A couple of cinnamon sticks • A spoonful of allspice

Floral scents are a go-to when it comes to introducing perfume into our homes – and for good reason, they’re undeniably delightful. This pot centres on the classic scent of lavender, with the added boost of some warm, homey smells.

You will need: • A couple of sprigs of lavender, fresh or dried • One lemon, sliced • A handful of vanilla beans, or a teaspoon of vanilla extract

positive pointers

Meditative mint Looking to clear your mind with an invigorating, bright smelling simmer pot? This mix takes the best qualities from these headclearing ingredients and brings them together to create a deeply uplifting scent.

You will need: • A handful of fresh mint leaves • One lime, sliced • A couple of eucalyptus sprigs

The great outdoors Bring the scents of foraging down a deep forest path into your home, with this earthy mix. We all can attest to the benefits of getting out and spending time in the great outdoors, and this pot will help you revisit those evocative pathways.

Spice up your life Who says cinnamon scents are just for Christmas? Not us.

This pot is a sensation-soothing mix of deep, warm spices, and the perfect thing for creating a calm, welcoming environment – something we can enjoy all year round!

Experiment with different ingredients and tap into scentprovoked memories

You will need: • A couple of cinnamon sticks • Vanilla beans, or a teaspoon of vanilla extract • A handful of cloves • A handful of ​​cardamom pods

You will need: • A couple of fir tree sprigs • A few bay leaves • A handful of sage leaves • One orange, sliced One of the best things about simmer pots is how much control you have over the scents you create. So mix things up, adjust each pot to your exact liking, experiment with different ingredients, tap into scentprovoked memories – and, once you’ve perfected your recipes – pop the ingredients into jars to pass on to loved ones. Stew on the limitless options, and ignite your senses with the power of natural potpourri. happiful.com | Issue 59 | 53

Find your people Five online mental health support communities who get it

Friendship and pen friend scheme Isolation and feelings of loneliness are common experiences among those living with depression.

This scheme, from the charity Depression UK, seeks to encourage new friendships in the form of a pen friend scheme, as well as a private Facebook group.

Find out more: depressionuk.org

The Grief Kitchen In the form of a Facebook group and Instagram page, The Grief Kitchen is a space to share special memories in a grief-positive community. Share recipes that remind you of a loved one, and connect with others along the way.

Search for ‘The Grief Kitchen’ on Facebook and Instagram

The Tribe The Tribe is a collection of online support spaces, offering different groups focusing on a range of topics including ADHD, divorce, LGBTQ+, anxiety, OCD, and even sleep problems. Join peer-to-peer groups, chat rooms, and forums.

Visit support.therapytribe.com

Please note, these groups do not offer crisis support.

If you are in need of immediate help, call 999 or visit A&E.

54 | Issue 59 | happiful.com

Side by Side Created by mental health charity Mind, Side by Side is an online community forum grounded in the power of peer support. The space is designed to help people make connections, learn from each other, and take steps to support their mental health.

Find out more: mind.org.uk

PANDAS support pages New parenthood can be a challenging time, and postnatal depression (PND) charity PANDAS is devoted to supporting all parents at this time. They offer a closed Facebook group of more than 2,000 members, where you can share and connect – as well as a dedicated PANDAS dads group.

Head to pandasfoundation.org.uk to find links to the groups

Should I disclose a history of sexual abuse?

Talking to friends, family, or your boss about personal trauma is incredibly difficult, frightening, and even risky – but it can be an important part of the healing process Writing | Jeremy Sachs

O

ne of the biggest struggles when living with the aftermath of sexual abuse is disclosing the abuse to someone.

It requires a survivor to not only face their trauma, vocalise their experience, and risk re-traumatisation, but to also manage the consequences of the disclosure. These consequences can be vast. They can range from not being believed, managing the other person’s emotional reactions, or being ostracised from family or friends.

Disclosures can also be wildly different from one another. What

works for one situation might not for another. Talking to police will feel different when compared to speaking to a parent. Disclosing to a parent will feel different compared to talking to a new sexual partner.

Sometimes, as survivors feel more empowered and in control of their lives, they can overdisclose, meaning they can regret telling some people, resulting in shameful feelings. Others can desperately want to tell someone, but the thought of doing it can feel paralysing.

I wish I could provide a stepby-step guide to disclosing in any

situation. Sadly, this isn’t possible.

Instead, I have created a list of questions to ask yourself. These will help you to decide how and if you should disclose.

WHO Who do you want to tell? Are they likely to tell someone else (a partner, for example)? Are you OK with this? Can they be trusted with your story? Will you be glad you told them one month from now?

In addition, work out who you don’t want to know about this information. This can be particularly important if disclosing to a family member, >>> happiful.com | Issue 59 | 55

I believe in the power of knowing at least one other person out there has heard, believes, and acknowledges your story or a member of a social group.

People naturally want to share big information they have been told.

Make clear what your boundaries are around your story.

WHAT You do not have to disclose everything. This sounds simple, but once we start talking, it may be difficult to safely censor ourselves. Sometimes, just telling a loved one that sexual abuse happened is enough. Decide what details you want to share, and what may be safer to keep private at that moment.

HOW Get practical. Plan it out in detail. Will you do it in your own home, on a walk, or in a cafe?

Think about the environment you need during the disclosure and afterwards – the time of day may be important as well. Allow time afterwards to process the experience, and do something completely different to decompress.

Even if your disclosure ends up completely different from how 56 | Issue 59 | happiful.com

wellbeing

you planned it, having a plan in place can still help to manage the nervousness.

WHEN When is it best to tell someone?

A busy public holiday or celebration, with lots of friends and family around, may be a terrible idea for some, but it may feel really supportive for others.

Everyone will be different, and require different environments, so consider what would work best for you.

WHY Consider why you are choosing to tell your story now, what will you gain, and what happens if you don’t get what you want from the disclosure? We cannot control other people’s reactions, nor are we responsible for them.

You may end up disappointed that this moment doesn’t feel liberating, or the person we confide in may not respond in the way you want. By all means, hope for a positive experience, but consider what you need if it goes negatively.

be the police, but for some, the police may not be safe either.

Communities who experience institutional prejudice or racism from the police often do not feel safe calling 999, as it can exacerbate an already dangerous situation.

Speaking to an Independent Sexual Violence Advisor (ISVA) or an anonymous helpline can be a safe first step to getting more long-term support.

Ensuring your mental health is safe is important too. After the disclosure, have a safety plan, including experiences or objects you know make you feel safe.

Decide what details you want to share, and what may be safer to keep private at that moment

SAFETY

AND FINALLY…

If your life is still connected to the abuser, such as within a family or work/school environment, telling someone in that environment could be a risk. Making sure your physical safety is not compromised by disclosing is critical.

If you feel like you are still at risk, finding a professional to speak to is essential. This could

Sexual abuse at any age, and for any gender, can break a person’s connection to the world. It ruptures one’s sense of self, and all that we are attached to. After a sexual trauma, survivors can encounter other experiences that further break that connection. This could be other abusive relationships, societal prejudice, or institutional

racism, poverty, or additional traumatic experiences.

To disclose a sexual trauma can be an attempt to heal that disconnection. By telling another person about our trauma, we ask them to accept, believe, and respect us in a way we may not have experienced before.

Building connections to people who make us feel safe, and can witness our trauma without further compounding it, can be incredibly reparative.

As a therapist who works a lot with trauma and complex PTSD, I believe in the power of knowing at least one other person out there has heard, believes, and acknowledges your story.

The charity I work with, SurvivorsUK, has a UK national database that includes qualified counsellors, psychotherapists, arts therapists, and psychologists who have undergone specific training with SurvivorsUK and other organisations offering support. For more information, visit survivorsuk.org

Jeremy Sachs is an integrative psychotherapist who specialises in working with trauma recovery, long-term conditions, adolescents, and young people. Find out more by visiting counselling-directory.org.uk happiful.com | Issue 59 | 57

Happiful recommends From marking the start of spring to turning back the exercise clock, we share 10 things to enjoy this season

1

PAGE-TURNERS Every Family Has a Story

by Julia Samuel In this touching book, psychotherapist Julia Samuel dives into eight case studies as she explores common family issues, from separation to blended families, trauma, and loss – revealing how deeply we’re influenced by these poignant relationships, and how we can manage them throughout a lifetime.

(Out 17 March, Penguin Life, £14.99)

2

3

Ask a senior citizen about their story

We all have a story to tell, and the older generations in our families and social groups are bound to have some great tales.

But how often do we take the time to sit down and really listen? So why not go on a trip down memory lane together? Be curious, you never know what treasures you may discover!

4

LEND US YOUR EARS ‘Body Stuff with Dr Jen Gunter’

Do I need to drink eight glasses of water a day? Is it really possible to boost your immune system? Should I do a detox? We’re constantly bombarded with conflicting health messages, and in this podcast Dr Jen Gunter is here to set the record straight.

Tune-in each week as Dr Gunter and guests tackle a new issue. (Find it wherever you listen to podcasts)

OUT AND ABOUT Start a photo challenge

Spring equinox is 20 March, marking the official start of the season. As you spot the natural world beginning to come back to life around you, snap a photo of it. Then, return to the same spot a take further photos at intervals throughout the year, leaving you with a seasonal timeline of 2022.

58 | Issue 59 | happiful.com

ACT OF KINDNESS

5

PLUGGED-IN Mark Bryan

It’s about time we all felt comfortable wearing whatever we like, right?

On his Instagram, Mark Bryan shares outfits of the day, mixed with high fashion shoots, as he struts through the world as a straight man with a passion for high heels and skirts. Follow @markbryan911

culture

6

TECH TIP-OFFS OLIO

A firm favourite here at Happiful, the OLIO app helps communities to connect in order to share food, with the aim of helping us to cut waste and support one another.

Now, the app has launched the new BORROW function – which allows app users to list commonly used household items that are available for their neighbours to borrow.

(Available on Google Play and the App Store)

7

Self-injury awareness day

Falling on 1 March each year, self-injury awareness day (SIAD) seeks to recognise the impact of self-harm, as well as dispel myths and stigma, with the aim of increasing empathy and understanding of those whose lives it touches. Join the conversation by using #SIAD

10

SQUARE EYES Downton Abbey: A New Era

GET GOING Retro aerobic workouts

Put the fun back into exercise, with retro aerobic workouts. Say goodbye to gruelling, repetitive exercise routines, and hello to pulling up your leg-warmers and moving along to uplifting soundtracks that will leave you feeling empowered and strong. The internet is brimming with both re-uploads and remakes of heart-pumping routines.

For fans of the family saga, the new Downton Abbey film sees the Crawleys heading off to France. Expect twists, turns, and surprises, and allow yourself to be swept away by the drama of this perfect capsule of escapism.

(In cinemas 29 April)

8

9

THE CONVERSATION

TREAT YOURSELF Moksa Wild Rose Facial Elixir

Full of powerful and nutrient-dense oils, including jojoba, baobab, sea buckthorn, and rosehip, the Moksa Wild Rose Facial Elixir is a treat for all skin types. Soothe, hydrate, and nourish your skin throughout the year, and experience the collagen-boosting rosehip and omega oil-packed sea buckthorn – an absolute must-have for your daily routine. (RRP: £26, bloom-lifestyle.co.uk) Win a Moksa Wild Rose Facial Elixir For your chance to win a Moksa Wild Rose Facial Elixir, simply email your answer to the following question to competitions@happiful.com

WIN!

Finish the quote: A rose by any other name would smell... a) as floral

b) as sweet

c) as fresh

*Competition closes 17 March 2022. UK mainland and Northern Ireland only. Good luck!

happiful.com | Issue 59 | 59

Five secrets for happy friendships

Could tapping into this effective coaching technique help strengthen the bond you have with your loved ones?

Y

Writing | Rebecca Lockwood

ears ago, I would blame the world for the fact that I didn’t have people around when I needed them. I always thought everything was everyone else’s fault, and I didn’t value my friendships. But I misunderstood what it really meant to be a friend, and I was a rubbish friend.

60 | Issue XX | happiful.com

Illustrating | Rosan Magar

It’s a natural instinct to connect, and as we have evolved through generations we naturally want to be amongst others.

Neuro-linguistic programming (NLP) is the art and science of understanding how your mind works, why it works that way, and how you communicate with yourself and your outside world.

NLP helps you to understand how you view your world, your relationships, and how to communicate better. And when I learnt NLP, it helped me to notice all the friendships I did

actually have that I hadn’t noticed before – and it impacted the way I show up for the people I deeply care about.

Here are a few ways NLP helped me to change the way I think, and tips that will help you to be a better friend, and support others when they need you the most.

1. Respect for the other person’s model of the world This comes from the presuppositions of NLP and the mindsets of NLP – it’s the assumptions and beliefs that we have.Our model of the world is as unique as we are; everyone sees the world differently. Respecting that is really important.

It’s possible that you are projecting the way you feel about yourself on to your relationships 2. Take personal responsibility The saying ‘happiness is an inside job’ really comes into play here.

We have to remember that if our friends do not respond to us, or call us back, it usually is nothing personal, it’s just that they are busy, didn’t see it, or meant to return the call/message but just haven’t gotten around to it yet. By using the NLP mindset, you can take responsibility to be the one to follow up messages, call them back, and follow up with the people you haven’t spoken to in some time.

3. Communicate effectively If you’re in a relationship, whether it’s a friendship or a romantic relationship, you may not be happy, and you may put blame on them. So they’re the reason you’re

not happy, because ‘they’re doing this and that’. Now, the chances are, they have no idea what you’re thinking if you don’t communicate with them effectively. When we understand that happiness is an inside job, and take the initiative to communicate where we’re at with our loved ones, we can have a much better quality of relationship.

4. Ensure that you are not projecting In NLP, this is when you think something about yourself (which you may not really be aware of) and so you act in certain ways, or notice things in your life that make you feel a certain way. Often it is in a negative light, because you may have some limiting beliefs you are telling yourself about who you are. It’s also possible that you are projecting the way you think and feel about yourself on to your relationships. Be aware of this and you may be able to nip it in the bud.

5. Understand someone’s love strategy We all have different strategies that we run in terms of the way that we feel loved, and how we feel wanted and heard.

Everything we do is in an

order and sequence of behaviours.

So, we want to understand what our friends’ love strategies are so we can ensure we meet them if they ever need some extra support.

If you’re a visual person, you have to see that you feel loved.

For example, buying you flowers, giving you a gift, seeing messages from friends. If you are auditory this means you want to hear the words of encouragement. If you are kinesthetic this means that you prefer hugs and affection. When you know this about your friends, you can really support them the way they need you to.

When we take stock of everything, it all boils down to communication, really. Communicating with your loved ones and yourself in the deepest way possible ensures that you are supporting both yourself and your friends in feeling heard and respected.

Rebecca lockwood is a neuro-linguistic programming, hypnosis, Time Line Therapy®, positive psychology, and breakthrough coach trainer.

To learn more about NLP and to work with a professional, visit lifecoach-directory.org.uk

When sharing is caring Opening up can be deeply healing, but here we explore steps you can follow to ensure you take care of yourself when talking about hard topics Writing | Caroline Butterwick

M

any of us share difficult things we’ve been through, but it isn’t always easy – who hasn’t taken a deep breath while weighing up whether to tell a friend about an upsetting experience as you have coffee together?

Whether it’s opening up about mental illness to colleagues, or tweeting about first-hand experiences of discrimination, we’re encouraged to share our

62 | Issue 59 | happiful.com

stories with others. These personal narratives help challenge stereotypes and raise awareness of different perspectives, as well as giving us a sense of ownership over difficult experiences and helping us feel heard. But as valuable as this sharing is, looking after ourselves when we do so is important to prevent us from feeling burned out, or adding to our anxieties.

For me, self-care when sharing is something I regularly think about. I’ve disclosed challenging times to those close to me on many occasions, and as a writer, I often write about difficult life events. I also work as an ‘expert by experience’ with a mental health social work charity, where I tell trainee social workers about what it’s like to live with mental ill-health.

Sharing challenging times is an important part of my life.

What do you hope to get from this and is it going to help you feel better?

The benefits of sharing To better understand how we can look after ourselves when sharing, I spoke to counsellor Jenny Warwick.

“By saying out loud what has happened to you, you can help to start to process your thoughts and feelings,” she tells me. “You are engaging your thinking brain by working out how you say this, so that someone else can understand. This helps to get you out of your head and into the present.”

I find talking or writing about difficult experiences helps me make sense of what I’ve been through. There’s a feeling of reclaiming my story by saying it in my own words. It’s also an opportunity to highlight perspectives that others may not have heard before.

Sharing can allow us to find out that others have been through something similar. “You feel heard, and also you remember that you are not on your own,” explains Jenny.

It can work the other way, too: the person we speak to may feel less alone when they realise someone else has been through something that echoes their own challenges. When I’ve opened up about mental health at work, for example, colleagues then talk about their own experiences.

“One benefit to the person you speak about a difficult experience with, is that it creates a sense that you have a safe, supportive relationship with them,” says Jenny. “It lets them know that you feel safe with them, and that they are someone you can trust to hold what you are saying.”

Setting boundaries Before I share, whether with a friend or more publicly, I take time to think about my boundaries. You should only share what you’re comfortable with, and thinking about it beforehand can help with making this decision.

When preparing to give a presentation to mental health social work students, I take a few minutes to write a list of what I feel comfortable sharing, and what I’d prefer to keep private.

Perhaps you’re nervous about telling a loved one about a challenging time. Writing it down first, or rehearsing it, can help solidify what you want to say, and feel more confident saying it when the time comes.

Some of us share more widely, including on social media. >>> happiful.com | Issue 59 | 63

Posting on social media can help us raise awareness of what we’ve been through, and potentially connect with others, which can make it a positive space. But it’s also worth being conscious of how much information you’re sharing publicly. “It can be helpful to think about what the purpose of sharing this is,” advises Jenny. “What do you hope to get from this and is it going to help you feel better?”

Setting boundaries like this can help you manage sharing in a way that works best for you.

Self-care when sharing It’s important to acknowledge to yourself that you’ve done well to share. “Recognise that it is a big deal to decide to trust someone enough to tell your story,” says 64 | Issue 59 | happiful.com

When I tell someone about a hard time, I feel a sense of ownership Jenny. “Be gentle and kind with yourself before you speak, as well as afterwards. It is a big thing to open up and talk to someone like that. Once you have done it, you will usually find that the hardest part is over.”

Think about activities you can do either before or after that will help you. This could be going for a walk, baking, reading, painting – anything to unwind.

It’s understandable that you may feel drained afterwards, as even if the conversation went well, it will have taken energy.

“Try to go easy on yourself,” says Jenny. “Take a couple of nice deep breaths and think about what you can do now, to make yourself feel a little better.

Get outside, have a cup of tea, breathe, and let yourself settle.”

After writing about difficult experiences, I physically move away from the space I’ve been working in to give me distance from it. If you find yourself sharing regularly, consider whether you need to take a step back and give yourself time to focus on something else for a while, to reduce your risk of burnout.

relationships

The listener’s role Jenny advises that it’s important we don’t offload everything on to the same person all the time.

If you find this is happening, it could be the point when you consider speaking to a professional, who can give you the time and space to have these conversations.

Sometimes we can worry about the impact our sharing may have on the other person.

Jenny says: “The chances are that they will appreciate and understand that you have told them something significant to you. It might seem at first that they have struggled to hold what you have told them.

Keep in mind that it could well be that they need a little bit of

space to process what you have told them.”

It can help to think about what you want from the other person.

You may find that they try to offer advice, when actually you might just want someone to listen without giving practical suggestions. You could try letting them know at the start, perhaps gently saying: “I’m not looking for advice on this, but I really want to let you know about something and to feel heard.”

When I tell someone about a hard time, I feel a sense of ownership. There’s something powerful about putting difficult experiences into words and, most of all, feeling heard.

Jenny Warwickis a counsellor specialising in relationships and family issues. For professional support visit counselling-directory.org.uk happiful.com | Issue 59 | 65

The art of bathing Whether you indulge in a long, steamy soak, or prefer to take a quick dip every now and then, discover how you can turn bathing into an artform Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford

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eace. Quiet. (At least) 30 blissful minutes to sit back, relax, and let the world fade away. Bathing is about much more than simply getting clean. It can be an escape, or space for reflection.

Making time to soak in the tub may seem like a luxury, but it’s also a form of self-care, a way to look after our wellbeing, and

66 | Issue 59 | happiful.com

Illustrating | Rosan Magar

a simple means to incorporate relaxation into our lives.

Rituals, relaxation, and restoration Studies by both anthropologists and psychologists have shown that rituals – simple or complex – can help lessen anxiety and uncertainty.

They can even impact

how we think, what we feel, and how we behave.

Following a bath, we can feel calm, relaxed, and refreshed.

But the benefits of bathing aren’t just about how they make us feel. Scientifically proven health benefits range from improving heart health

wellbeing

and soothing muscle or joint pain, to helping moisturise your skin, hair, and eyes. Taking a bath can even positively impact your oxygen intake, as well as benefitting your brain and nervous system.

Aromatherapy and bathing You don’t need expensive bubbles and bombs to make the perfect bath. We spoke with aromatherapist Louisa Pini to find out how aromatherapy can create a sense of luxury.

“Aromatherapy is an amazingly powerful tool when it comes to relaxation and self-care. Our scent pathway has a direct link to the brain, and triggers psychophysiological responses in the body. Essential oils can stimulate our in-built ‘relaxation response’,” Louisa says.

“An aromatherapy bath is my favourite self-care ritual, because the warm water aids the absorption of essential oils.

It’s easy, relaxing, and offers the opportunity to include other wellbeing practises at the same time, like meditation.”

How to turn your bath into an artform Making the most of your time in the tub doesn’t have to be complicated or expensive. Try these five simple tips to get started.

1. Put the world on pause. The best way to carve out me-time is to minimise the chances of interruption. Pause your notifications, pick a time of day when your family is less likely

to disturb you, or negotiate with your partner so you can each have quality alone time.

Take time to disconnect from the digital world, and reconnect with how you’re feeling here and now.

2. Create the right atmosphere.

Dim lights. Scented candles.

Soft towels. Creating the right atmosphere isn’t just about cliches – it’s important that normal day-to-day worries aren’t creating issues. It’s not glamorous, but ensuring your bath and bathroom are clean and neat, can help to avoid your mind turning to neverending lists of chores (and the inevitable guilt that comes with taking a moment for yourself before everything else is done).

5. Find your perfect blend.

Aromatherapist Louisa recommends blending three essential oils together with a carrier oil to help create a relaxing, mood-lifting bath.

Lavender (to help increase sleep quality and lower anxiety), sweet orange (to boost mood) and frankincense (for calm, deeper breathing) could be the ideal mix.

3. Come prepared. Learn what helps you relax. Maybe that’s soothing music, or a podcast.

Ensuring you’re prepared lets you get the most out of your time. Try experimenting by bringing a book or magazine, grab a cuppa or your favourite drink, or bring snacks.

Aromatherapist Louisa Pini recommends: • 3 drops frankincense • 3 drops lavender • 4 drops sweet orange • 10ml jojoba oil or fractionated coconut oil • Mix well and add to warm running water.

4. Treat yourself and go screenfree. If you find switching off difficult, leaving your phone at the door could be the answer.

Doomscrolling (spending excessive time absorbing negative news) and FOMO (fear of missing out) can lead to time lost scrolling through our social media feeds, ultimately leaving you feeling stressed, anxious, and on edge. Not only that, but too much blue light before bed can suppress your body’s release of melatonin, meaning you may not feel as drowsy when it’s time to sleep.

Note: If you suffer from a serious medical condition, always consult your GP before using essential oils.

Calming and uplifting bath blend recipe

Louisa Pini is an aromatherapist with her own line of skincare. For more insight on relaxation and aromatherapy, visit therapy-directory.org.uk happiful.com | Issue 59 | 67

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true story

Discovering a slower pace of life She was experiencing debilitating panic attacks, but when Josephine took a step back to focus on her mental health, she uncovered the power of putting yourself first Writing | Josephine Brooks

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s someone who hadn’t had a panic attack before, the first one I had was terrifying. I’d just stepped off a bus in Normandy, France, where I was spending a long weekend with my boyfriend in the spring of 2018.

We were in a seaside town, packed with tourists and people looking forward to spending a day at the beach. I was struggling to breathe, and my entire body was shaking. I was scared I’d stop breathing, and I felt dizzy and faint. It took a long time for that panic attack to subside, and it kept coming back in smaller waves. We drove to a quiet bit of coastline, where I sat for about two hours, just staring out to sea, trying to figure out what it was and what had triggered it.

When I returned home after that trip a couple of days later, the panic attacks kept coming. It was like a switch had been flicked and the simplest of tasks became impossible for me to do without having a panic attack. I couldn’t commute to work, catch a train or bus, or even attend a friend’s wedding without a panic attack.

I made a visit to the doctors, and it was useful to get confirmation that I was having panic attacks, but the advice I was given wasn’t helpful at first. I was told to do some breathing exercises, and sent away with a reference sheet to read. I felt very confused and alone, not sure what else I could do about the panic attacks, which were happening more and more frequently.

Over the summer of 2018, I cancelled hen weekends I’d already paid for, weekends in London with friends who’d travelled from halfway around the world to come, birthdays, and all sorts of social events. My friends and family were understanding and supportive, but it didn’t stop me feeling guilty and ashamed.

At the height of my anxiety and depression, I couldn’t sleep. I went for about a month of getting roughly three hours of sleep a night, and I distinctly remember reaching a point of frustration where I was sobbing: ‘I can’t do it any more.’ It’s the most frustrating thing in the world, not being able to sleep. It’s also a vicious cycle. The less I slept, the more anxious and >>>

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At the height of my anxiety and depression, I couldn’t sleep

depressed I felt. The more anxious I felt, the less I slept.

During the summer, I’d visited the doctors multiple times, but never got anything more from them other than some advice to practise breathing exercises and ask my boss if I could work from home. They also gave me some beta blockers to try, but even when I was taking them I was still having regular panic attacks.

I realised that the anxiety was here to stay, and I had to do something about it. On my fifth visit to the doctors in early September, after a month of very little sleep, I couldn’t control the sobs and my shaking voice. After explaining that I was still struggling, I finally got signed off work for a month while I went on to some medication to help the anxiety and depression.

It was during this time off I finally managed to find some tools to help me manage my anxiety, and get it back under control. I walked my dogs every day for about three hours – they loved it! It also had a huge impact on me; my breathing slowed and

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my anxiety dropped when I was outdoors. There really is something magical about spending time in nature. There was also something about spending time outdoors that gave me a new perspective on life – and it also made me realise how important it was for me to get outdoors every day, it’s therapy for the soul.

At work, they were understanding about my time off, and when I went back they let me work from home when I needed to, and also suggested that I could work half days in the office if it would help.

But I quickly realised that I needed a dramatic change in my lifestyle to get my anxiety and depression back under control. The pressure of meetings and a long commute were still taking their toll on my mental health.

I’d slowly been building my own business on the side of my nine-to-five job for a few years. I’d always dreamed of taking it full-time, and living a slower and more meaningful lifestyle where I could do the work I really love. Until experiencing these struggles with my mental health, I’d always seen leaving my nine-to-five as an unrealistic dream – but with the struggles I’d experienced with my mental health, it became a need not a want, to grow my side-hustle into my full-time income. I needed

true story

to call the shots on the hours I worked, and where I was working, to help me manage my mental health.

The big leap came in April 2019. I left my job to take my side-hustle full-time and, although it’s been an emotional rollercoaster, it’s been the best thing for my anxiety. I now walk for at least an hour every morning, I don’t have the stress of a commute or the pressure of board-room type meetings. I’ve seen a significant improvement in my mental health since leaving my job, but I know this isn’t an easy step for everyone, and it happened to be something I’d already been working towards for a few years prior.

I have a lot to thank my anxiety and depression for, in a funny way. It’s given me the push I needed

to change my lifestyle into a more fulfilling and joyful one. It’s forced me to live more healthily and include daily exercise in my routine. It’s helped me learn so much about myself, and I now value basic things like daily exercise, eating proper meals, and getting at least eight hours of sleep. Self-care is something I never stop talking about with clients.

I’m starting to slowly come off the medication.

It’s not been a linear journey. Originally, I started to come off it too quickly, and had a series of panic attacks again (one of which was while I was driving down the M5 – not ideal!). But I’m so grateful for the medication I was eventually offered, it’s allowed me to function in the way I needed to.

The biggest thing I’ve learned from this experience is that, sometimes, you have to put yourself first, you just do! It’s something a lot of us struggle with, but when you value your own wellbeing, when you’re feeling healthy and energised, you can pour that into other people, and influence some really positive change in others, as well as yourself.

OUR EXPERT SAYS Josephine was unprepated for the intensity of her first panic attack, and the many panic attacks that followed prevented her living her life. She discovered that working from home and walks in nature helped, as her breathing slowed and she could control the anxiety. This helped her to recognise

that lifestyle changes were needed.

She became her own boss, which gave her more control over her time, and allowed her to get outdoors every day.

Graeme Orr | MBACP (Accred) counsellor

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Andy Gill BA NLP E-RYT JSY500 AC BWY Andy Gill is a multi-modal therapist who uses coaching, hypnotherapy, and yoga to meet his clients’ needs.

Find out more by visiting lifecoach-directory.org.uk

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ork can be a challenging environment for many of us to navigate, particularly given the hierarchies of authority that are present. At work, we have people in positions of power over us, and colleagues with whom we might find ourselves in competition as we seek to prove and secure our employment.

In this environment, it can be difficult to challenge a boss, or perhaps express an opinion that differs from another colleague.

This can be especially true if you are more passive in nature, when you are likely to have a strategy for relationships that relies on getting people to like you. If you

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Struggling to stand up for yourself at work?

If you find it difficult to make your voice heard, or to maintain your boundaries, it could be time to readdress your workplace dynamic. Here, our expert columnist Andy Gill explores steps to do just that Writing | Andy Gill

adopt this approach, you might be popular at work, but you are also less likely to want to rock the boat for fear of upsetting someone or bringing unwanted attention to yourself.

This is true for my client Kay. Her boss continually contacts her outside work hours. He calls her in the evening, and sends e-mails over the weekend that he expects her to respond to. For Kay, this means that work is seeping into her private life in a way she doesn’t like, and it is causing her to feel stressed and anxious.

Kay has enough self-awareness to understand that her need for a separation between work and her private life is not being respected by her boss, yet she feels unable

to act to stop it. She is angry, and is starting to feel victimised.

In the workplace, being liked can only take you so far. In Kay’s case, it has led to her becoming compliant in order to gain approval and acceptance with her boss.

A far more effective strategy for workplace relationships is to be respected, and to respect others. This is a relationship of equals, and this is the crux of the matter for Kay: she does not see herself as equal, or as worthy of respect, so she feels unable to act.

As a coach, my work begins with helping my clients build their self-worth, so that they feel worthy of respect from others.

EXPERT COLUMN Step two: Put these qualities into a list of ‘I am’ statements: for example ‘I am confident, ‘I am strong’, etc.

Step three: Take your list and read it out loud to yourself. If you feel uncomfortable with any of the statements, that is an indication that the positive quality is clashing with a negative limiting belief.

This is a good thing, as you have identified a hole in your selfworth that needs filling up.

Read this list out loud at least twice a day for two weeks.

Ready to switch things up? Try this: Step one: Think about a person you have worked with who you respect.

Someone who carries themselves confidently, and can stand up for themselves.

What do you respect about them?

What qualities do they possess?

A ‘quality’ is a characteristic that determines the nature and behaviour of a person. In the context of this exercise, we are focusing on positive qualities.

A person lacking in self-worth will tend to see themselves more negatively. By working to build their positive qualities we can help them feel worthy.

So, close your eyes and think about this person, visualise them in a work situation. How do they behave, how do they communicate, how do they hold themselves?

What qualities do they have that enable them to be respected? They might be strong, intelligent, articulate, confident, etc. I want you to come up with a list of at least 30 qualities that this person possesses that enables them to stand up for themselves.

If you get stuck, repeat the exercise with other people you respect until you get to 30. You are identifying the qualities that you need to feel worthy of respect at work.

Step four: Record yourself reading the list on your phone. If you find that you cannot listen back to the recording, return to step three and repeat until you can.

Listening to yourself in this way is very powerful, as it plants powerful positive suggestions into your subconscious mind. Listen every day for at least two weeks.

Step five: Stand in front of a mirror and repeat each quality statement to yourself three times while maintaining eye contact.

If you find you cannot do this yet, return to step four until you can.

Do this exercise at least once a day for two weeks, and then repeat when you need to top up.

Take as long as you need to complete this exercise, and repeat as often as you need to. Time and repetition will enable you to see yourself as worthy of the respect you afford others. happiful.com | Issue 59 | 73

It is not the mountain we conquer, but ourselves SIR EDMUND HILLARY

Photography | Tai Ngo

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wellbeing

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Something old something new What happens when we mix cutting-edge tech with ancient wellness practices?

Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

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ower on, ion on, PEMF level set to 2 (7.8Hz)...

No, I’m not trying to land a plane, I’m just trying to switch on an infrared (PEMF) mat gifted by biohacking tech brand HigherDOSE, ready to try an energy transformation session, hosted by a fourth-generation energy healer and yoga teacher Aysha Bell.

If that sounds like two different worlds colliding, it’s because it kind of is. On one hand, you’ve got ancient practises of yoga and meditation that come with peace, serenity, and simplicity – and on the other, you’ve got brand new technology with power packs, manuals, and a one-year warranty.

But can technology really boost our wellness routines, and at what cost? Increasingly, tech entrepreneurs and business moguls are set on tuning-in to our insatiable desire for products promising to boost our wellness – offering up a plethora of options to the $4.5 trillion industry.

These days, many of us are prioritising wellness in ways we’ve never done before, which is why you can now find a gadget for most needs. There’s SAD (seasonal affective disorder) lamps, deep sleep headbands, LED face masks, smartwatches, smart mattresses, smart scales, smart sex toys, the world of wearables, and too many apps to count.

Whether all this causes you delight or dismay is really down to the individual. But one thing’s for sure, one purchase will rarely solve all of our woes, we’re far more complex than that.

When addressing wellbeing, there are a lot of things we need to take into account – our relationships, finances, physical and mental health, for example. The majority of tech companies wouldn’t claim they have the golden ticket, and yet it’s natural to pin your hopes on tangible items when dealing with sometimes intangible experiences – something it pays to be wary of when navigating this growing market. >>> happiful.com | Issue 59 | 75

HigherDOSE’s PEMF mat looks just like a yoga mat, except it has 20lbs of tiny crystals sewn in between the base and a top layer of mesh fabric. The PEMF (pulsed electromagnetic field) therapy element comes in once plugged in and heated up, and is thought to send low-level frequency energy through the body, something which claims to aid calm – with different intensities promising different effects, from deep relaxation to improving focus. PEMF therapy is usually something you might visit a holistic clinic to experience, and is administered via smaller, more direct devices that target problem areas like sore muscles, or a mat like this one – which comes with some big claims, and an equally big price tag of £890.

While that all sounds pretty intimidating, back in the room, and once the energy healing session began, I returned to familiar territory. Working remotely over Zoom, Aysha instructed us to set our mats to medium heat – which, admittedly, quickly had me feeling at ease on an otherwise 76 | Issue 59 | happiful.com

wellbeing

Aysha Bell

There is much benefit to be found in ancient rituals that cannot be replaced by modern practises quite chilly day – and we started off with some gentle stretches and calming breathing exercises.

Following on from that, we then lay on our backs and did some visualisation meditation, breathing deeply into each part of our bodies, sending calming focus to these areas.

Then it was time for some sound healing, Aysha creating deeply penetrating sounds with bowls that resonated through the body. For those who haven’t experienced sound therapy before, it feels like a full-body bath of deep, yet soft, energy – a totally unique, yet practically simple, experience that’s best tried first-hand.

“There is much benefit to be found in ancient rituals that cannot be replaced by modern practices – and technology that cannot match up to some of the most basic systems and rituals,” says Aysha, when we catch up following the session. “Something as simple as breathing could change a person’s life.”

But, as Aysha sees it, when married with guided meditation or a yin yoga session, tech like PEMF therapy could aid you in going deeper into relaxation, something she sees as an example of what the future holds for us. My verdict? Following the session, I felt dreamy, calm, and whimsical. Lying on a heated PEMF mat felt good – especially on my back, good posture not being my strong point – and I’ve no doubt the heat played a role in the speed at which I was able to switch off and relax. As to whether I felt more relaxed than after a standard meditation session, that’s harder to answer.

“The future of wellness seems to be taking us back to basics, people and communities are looking at ancient traditions all

over the world and bringing them to the West, married up with what is already on offer for us in the West,” Aysha comments.

But, as Aysha points out, healing and wellness are about a lot more than just going to the gym or eating well. Speaking to ourselves in a nurturing way, being a part of a supportive community, and treating ourselves with love and respect come first. And when it comes to investing in ourselves, you could try out the latest tech or you could commit to regular meditation – either way, the most important component for success is the relationship we have with ourselves.

Ultimately, wellness tech such as the HigherDOSE mat is, plainly, nice. These tools can enhance practise, but they aren’t the be-all-end-all; true change comes with hard work and dedication. As for the question of whether we need to bring tech into this world, or even, should we, that’s for you to decide. But one thing’s for sure, if you’re erring on the side of innovation, the futuristic options on the horizon promise to be fruitful. happiful.com | Issue 59 | 77

Five ways to tell if you’re being too hard on yourself and how to stop Is it time you cut yourself some slack?

Writing | Amanda Nicholson

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elf-reflection is important. It lets us take time to acknowledge the areas of our lives where we can improve, then work on these. We all want to be the best version of ourselves. However, there’s a line between selfreflection and self-criticism.

Sometimes we’re too close to see the difference, and can be too harsh in our own judgement when looking at our shortcomings.

These might not be shortcomings at all, but we see them this way because they don’t match some idealism we have adopted.

How can you know whether you’re making a fair judgement, or being overly critical? Here are some signs.

1. You say things about yourself you’d never say about anyone else If you criticise what you see as your failings, ask yourself, would you say the same things to a 78 | Issue 59 | happiful.com

friend? You probably wouldn’t, and if someone else did, you’d defend your friend. Yet you don’t defend yourself in the same way.

By trying to be your own friend, you can stop yourself whenever you’re being too harsh on yourself. Take a step back from yourself, if you can, and try to be constructive. Everyone has faults, but you have many positive attributes, too. What you see as a fault may be a positive trait to other people. For example, if you’re uncomfortable in social situations, you might be a deep thinker instead.

2. You dwell on small failures long after they happen Everyone makes mistakes, but some people find it easier to move on and even laugh at themselves. If you replay your mistake hours or days afterwards, you’re being overly critical.

It’s easier said than done, but try to see the good parts

of something rather than the mistakes. Nobody else will dwell on your mistakes. For example, if you’re public speaking and stumble on a few words, people are more likely to recall the overall message rather than your minor stumbles.

3. You can’t give a balanced opinion on how well you did something If someone asked how well you did in a task or exam, could you think of anything positive to say? There will usually be something salvageable, even from our biggest failures. So, if you can’t see the parts you did right, it helps to practise looking at the situation from an outside perspective.

Also, ask for feedback in situations like job interviews.

Often, this won’t be nearly as harsh as your own opinion, and they don’t know you and have no reason to lie.

4. You spend a lot of time apologising for small things If you feel like you spend a lot of time apologising for minor things, stop and ask yourself what the impact of your actions really are? For example, if you don’t see someone in time to keep the door open, a brief explanation is better than an apology, for something you didn’t do on purpose and didn’t cause any harm.

There will be plenty of genuine reasons to apologise in life, so don’t waste time apologising when it’s not needed.

5. You allow the fear of failure to stop you from trying If you have an unwritten list of all the things you want to do, but the only thing holding you back is the fear of failure, you’re not giving yourself a fair chance. In your

mind, you’ve already failed, so you don’t try. Although, the only person who would recall your failures would be you.

The alternative version is, you could succeed, or at least learn to improve. Nobody is great at something when they try for the first time. Stephen King used to paper his walls with rejections, and Thomas Edison failed more than 10,000 times while inventing and perfecting the electric lightbulb.

For both of these and many more, it’s the successes they are most known and remembered for.

Being too hard on yourself means you risk holding yourself back. Nobody dwells on your mistakes and your failures as much as you do. Each one takes you one step closer to reaching your goals. Showing yourself the same kindness you show others can go a long way. happiful.com | Issue 59 | 79

Why don’t you do the things you should?

It’s often easy to write off procrastination as laziness or complacency, but what’s really going on under the surface?

Writing | Robert Sanders

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o do the things you should do can be the hardest thing in the world – or the easiest. Isn’t it funny how sometimes we can just get on and do the things that matter, and other times we procrastinate or self-sabotage? Writing that novel, doing charitable work, finishing a project, decorating the living room. There are so many worthwhile activities, yet we find ourselves doomscrolling, browsing Instagram, window-shopping, reading celebrity gossip, or just chatting to friends. There are so many things we should be doing, so why don’t we?

‘SHOULD’, ACCORDING TO WHOM? Sometimes the reason we don’t do something is because we

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don’t really own it in the first place. If there is a ‘should’ or an ‘ought to’ running through your mind, you may be allowing outside pressures to control your outcomes. If you are doing it because your sister says so, or the government, or your religion, or the book you are reading, you can unconsciously resist doing it.

A good start is to try changing the thought to ‘I want to…’

Try, I want to go to the gym, or I want to finish my craft project. How does that feel to you? Does it feel genuine and sincere? If it does, you may find it easier to move forward just by changing that one word, ‘should’. If it doesn’t really connect with you, then you may need to dig a little deeper into your motivations – or just let it go.

FIND THE VALUE BEHIND IT Start with the task at hand and ask yourself, ‘What is important about this?’ When a thing needs doing, it can be easy to accept that you must do it, without a clear idea of the reason you are choosing to do so. Much of what we do is driven by our values. A value is a high-level principle in life that drives us. Values are the important, big picture things – freedom, family, trust, efficiency, and integrity.

When you are leading a life that is compatible with your values you tend to feel fulfilled, when your life conflicts with your values you may feel uncomfortable, lacking in confidence, and worthless.

There are values behind most of your unthinking actions and you tend to be unaware of them.

positive pointers

Much of what we do is driven by our values So, with any project or activity that you want to complete, find the value that is behind that project. What is it that is ultimately important about completing this activity? Going to the gym might fulfil the value of health, friendship, or being consistent. Writing a novel might fulfil the value of success, self-expression, creativity, or communication.

Sometimes values are negative too, so you may be motivated by the value of avoiding something such as criticism, loneliness, or ill-health.

CONNECT WITH THE VALUE Once you know the value that drives you, really connect with that value as you visualise the completion of your task or project.

See yourself in your mind’s eye and imagine how you will look when you satisfy that value of recognition, or fulfilment, adventure, or self-mastery.

When you visualise the completion of the goal and the fulfilment of the value, make sure that the image you get in your mind uses all the senses.

What will you see, hear, and feel?

Are there even things you can taste or smell? What will you be saying to yourself when you have finished, and what will others say to you? Have a rich picture >>> happiful.com | Issue 59 | 81

positive pointers

in your mind and make sure you can see yourself in that picture.

the values they fulfil are even more important to you.

DEAL WITH DISTRACTIONS Sometimes, we find that although we want to do the right thing, or that important project, we end up passing the time less productively, or focusing on something irrelevant. Social media is the classic modern example, but it can also be more subtle things, like reading an ‘important’ report first, doing ‘research’, or going for a walk to clear your head.

FIND THE HIGHER VALUE Now that you have an idea of what doing that project will achieve for you, compare that value to the one you fulfil through the distraction. Which is most important to you?

Sometimes it can help to ask yourself: ‘If I could fulfil X value, but not Y value, would that be OK?’ If the answer is yes, then the X value is higher, if not then it’s Y. If you discover that the value of the task is less important than the value of the distraction, try one of these tactics:

Criticising yourself will only make it harder to keep on track If you are aware of such distractions and timewasters, ask yourself what value this distraction fulfils for you. What is important about this? What value does it fulfil for me?

Social media? Important? What possible value does that give me?

Well, maybe it’s connection, communication, attention, or self-expression, or maybe it is to avoid self-doubt, failure, or discomfort.

Don’t underestimate the values that distractions fulfil. The fact that you choose them over more important stuff could mean that

1. Find ways of fulfilling the value that the distraction provides, through the project or task you want to do Let’s say the value is a connection with others. Can you get others involved in your project or task? Can you do it in a cafe or a bar where there are other people? Can you put on a talk radio station or a podcast to listen to? Can you blog about it, or email friends with updates? Can you post the finished project on social media?

2. Set a time limit that will allow you to fulfil the value before you move on to the next task This is a simple one. Browse Facebook for 10 minutes, skim-read seven pages of the report, walk to the shops

or somewhere specific, and not too far. Set an alarm or create an interruption that will prevent you from overrunning.

3. Make fulfilling the value a reward for achieving the outcome Delay the gratification you feel in the distraction – promise yourself 20 minutes of uninterrupted internet surfing when you have completed a defined part of the task. Go for a nice walk after you finish the project.

Above all, when you find yourself procrastinating or avoiding something, don’t beat yourself up or spiral into self-blame. Everybody does things for a reason and, sadly, it can sometimes be quite hard sometimes to work out what that reason is. Criticising yourself will only make it harder to keep on track. The key to understanding ourselves is always to be curious, rather than critical, and to explore, rather than judge.

Robert Sanders is a master coach, master practitioner of NLP, and author of ‘The Anxiety Habits Journal’. Find out more by visiting lifecoach-directory.org.uk happiful.com | Issue 59 | 83

THE HAPPIFUL PODCAST

DR JULIE SMITHIZADI SHAHROO

GRACE VICTORY

DR RADHA

LAMBERT NOEL BELL RHIANNON FIONA LAMB MEGAN CRABBE

• Listen • Share • Subscribe • Listen to conversations with Dr Julie Smith, Dr Radha, Noel Bell, Rhiannon Lambert, and many others, who share their passions, and reveal the moments that shaped them.

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Dr Radha | Ray Burmiston

I am. I have

Five children’s mental health picture books Explaining mental health issues to children can be tough. Here, we share five unmissable picture books that help teach kids about anxiety, depression, and mindfulness.

Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford

Don’t Worry, Murray! by Anna Adams and Josiane Vlitos Vibrant and fun, Don’t Worry, Murrary helps young readers learn how to develop a calmer, more positive outlook. Follow Murray the dog’s first day at his new school, as Hoots the owl guides him, and helps him to overcome his fears. Thoughtful and encouraging, readers can follow practical steps to learn calming breathing techniques, and discover the benefits of mindfulness and positive thinking.

The Bad Mood and the Stick by Lemony Snicket and Matthew Forsythe From the beloved, best-selling children’s book author Lemony Snicket comes a new picture book about emotions and their impact on us (and others). A simple yet refreshing story, The Bad Mood and the Stick takes a thoughtful and humorous look at how a bad mood can wreak havoc, yet lead to opportunities for laughter, forgiveness, and love.

The Princess and the Fog by Lloyd Jones A modern take on a familiar childhood classic, The Princess and the Fog shares the story of a happy princess who has everything she could possibly want until the fog of depression arrives. Designed to help children better understand depression through vibrant illustrations, simple metaphors, and humour, readers are introduced to not only the symptoms of childhood depression, but are given a spark of hope that things can get better with help and support.

Why Are You So Sad?

by Beth Andrews Designed to help children understand and come to terms with parental depression, Why Are You So Sad? creates the opportunity for caregivers to open up with children about the mental health struggles their loved ones may be facing.

Baby’s Big World: Mindfulness

by Alex Fabrizio and Hilli Kushnir Learning how to practise mindfulness is becoming a more necessary skill in our ever-busy world. Help set your child up for success by introducing them to mindfulness. Filled with simple questions and prompts to work through together, children can practise the basics of mindfulness and meditation. happiful.com | Issue 59 | 85

100

questions to build emotional intimacy

Settle down with your partner and take turns asking and answering these questions to help deepen your connection Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

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ur romantic relationships are some of the most important in our lives, bringing us joy, comfort, and support. Working on your emotional intimacy strengthens these bonds even further, deepening your understanding of each others’ wants, needs, and desires.

So, we’ve gathered together 100 questions that help you build emotional intimacy. Set aside some time when you both feel relaxed, and take it in turns to ask and answer each of these questions. You may be surprised by what you discover…

1. What would your younger self think of our relationship?

4. Have your friendships taught you anything about romantic relationships?

7. When was the last time you laughed so much you cried?

2. What have you learned about relationships from your parents?

5. What does ‘work-life balance’ mean to you?

8. Has your relationship taught you anything about yourself?

6. What was the most surprising thing you learned about me?

9. In what ways do you think we’re similar?

3

Do I show you enough affection?

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10. In what ways do you think we’re different?

11. What did you want to be when you were a child?

In it for the long-run Why not write down your answers, and then return to them in a year's time? Take note of what stays the same and what changes, and ask yourself, what does this tell me about the people we're becoming?

relationships

31. What do you think are the signs of a healthy relationship?

21. How do you express love for me?

32. Do you think we have the same values?

22. What was your favourite toy growing up?

33. Where do you feel most comfortable?

13. When have you felt most proud of me?

23. What excites you the most about life?

34. What is your favourite thing to do together?

14. What have I taught you?

24. What is your favourite characteristic about yourself?

35. What song is the soundtrack to your life?

15. What makes you feel confident?

25. How important is a sexual connection to you?

36. Is there something new you want to try together?

16. Have there been any challenges in our relationship?

26. What do you think is the most interesting fact about me?

37. If you could relive one day with me, which would it be?

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When was the last time you cried?

17. If we could travel anywhere together, where would we go?

27

How would you define ‘success’?

38. Are you able to tell when I’m upset? How?

18. What’s your most treasured childhood memory?

28. Where do you see yourself in five years?

39. What value do you admire most about me?

19. What book, film, or TV show has had the greatest impact on you?

29. What’s your favourite way to relax?

40. Is affection in a relationship important to you?

20. What is your biggest fear?

30. How often do you reflect on the past?

41. Do you enjoy spending time in nature?

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42. What’s the most loving thing I’ve done for you?

53. What does trust mean to you?

64. Do you feel comfortable raising issues in our relationship?

43. When you’re feeling stressed, what’s the best thing I can do for you?

54. What is your favourite photo of us?

65. Do you think we have a similar sense of style?

44. What’s the best gift I’ve given you?

55. What’s a guaranteed way to make me laugh?

45. Is there a song that reminds you of me?

56. How do you feel about the division of chores at home?

67. What’s your relationship with forgiveness?

46. Do you enjoy alone time?

57. How often do you think about the future?

68. What small things in life make you happy?

47. What’s the most supportive thing I’ve done for you?

58. Do you prefer to plan things, or be spontaneous?

69. Do you have any selfdevelopment goals?

48. How important is family to you?

59. What’s the best thing you can do when I’m feeling down?

70. If you’re feeling nervous, how can I support you?

49. What do you think is the key to a happy, healthy relationship?

60. What does the best version of yourself look like?

71. If we were to learn a new skill together, what would it be?

50. In a fire, what five items would you save?

61. What item of clothing do you feel your best in?

72. Do you think we’ve changed since the start of our relationship?

51. In what ways do you need me to support you with your career?

62. Do you prefer to give or receive?

73. How do you like to be flirted with?

52. How are our approaches to finances different, and how are they similar?

63. What is your favourite way to relax together?

74. What’s your favourite way to treat yourself?

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66

What does your ideal day look like?

relationships

75. Are you more guided by logic or intuition?

76. Do you find it easy to admit when you’re wrong?

77. How would you describe your relationship with technology?

78. What does good health mean to you?

86. In group social situations, do you think we complement each other?

79. Do you like being in the spotlight, or prefer the sidelines?

87. Who was your favourite teacher at school, and why?

80. What’s your process for making important decisions?

88

How do you deal with making mistakes?

94. Is there something we used to do that you now miss?

95. What’s your favourite self-care activity?

81. What’s the best piece of advice you’ve been given?

89. Are you kind to yourself?

96. When do you feel most desirable?

82 Who do you admire?

90. How easy is it for someone to change your mind?

97. Do you feel appreciated?

83. Can you tell when I’m feeling down?

91. How do you feel about your relationships with your family?

98. What meal brings back good memories?

84. What’s your favourite thing about being your current age?

92. Do you feel trusted?

99. What’s your favourite way that I express my feelings about you?

85. What do you miss about me when I’m not around?

93. What are the tell-tale signs that you’re in a bad mood?

100. What’s the best thing about us as a couple?

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Spring awakening Put a spring in your step (and your home) by embracing the freshness of the season with these five simple suggestions It’s time to open up…

Crack open those windows after the long winter months, and circulate some fresh air.

It’s amazing what a good breeze can do, blowing away not just the literal cobwebs, but the metaphorical ones too, as the oxygen boost helps to bring mental clarity. Fresh air has even been proven to improve digestion, blood pressure, and your heart rate.

Celebrate with seasonal produce Not only is eating seasonally (and locally) better for the environment, but it means you enjoy the freshest foods at their peak time. Seasonal produce is typically tastier and healthier thanks to it’s higher nutritional value, due to not being shipped over long distances. So, for spring enjoy vegetables such as artichokes, asparagus, rhubarb, and spinach, along with fruits like apricots, strawberries, and blackcurrants.

Embrace the ‘fresh’ feeling Clean a space, redecorate, reorder – it could be as simple as organising your cupboard 90 | Issue 59 | happiful.com

for kitchen staples, your bookshelf, or your wardrobe.

Put fresh sheets on your bed, or perhaps a new coat of paint on your woodwork, and see how it brightens the place up.

Bring the season inside Introduce elements of nature, with bunches of vibrant daffodils, lavender, hyacinth, and other classic springtime florals. The fresh scent and pop of colour can be the perfect pick-me-up.

Shake up your colour palette Using springtime colours in your home can be a great way to refresh and bring a new energy to the space – think of the flowers you see outside, with colours such as greens, yellows, and peachy pinks. Incorporate these elements in table settings, bedsheets, or pillows, for a look that you can change with the seasons.

food & health

8 things you need to know about endometriosis With endometriosis awareness week taking place at the start of March, Jenna Farmer shines a spotlight on the painful gynaecological condition that affects one in 10 women, yet can take up to seven and a half years to diagnose

E

ndometriosis is thought to affect 10% of women of reproductive age across the world, but there’s still so much we don’t know about the condition. It’s far more than mild period pain; its symptoms – which include pain that stops normal activities, pain during sex, and feeling sick – can be debilitating, with the condition potentially impacting fertility if left untreated. Let’s take a look at everything you need to know about endometriosis.

1. BOWEL SYMPTOMS ARE COMMON Endometriosis isn’t just limited to gynaecological symptoms, bowel issues can occur, too.

Around 5–12% of women with endometriosis also have it extend to the bowel, causing symptoms such as diarrhoea, constipation and, on rare occasions, bowel obstructions.

“Very often, endometriosis can extend outside the womb and affect the bowel, with some adhesions in the bowel causing challenges of transition of foods through the gut. This can be managed through dietary strategies fibre modification,” explains dietitian Sophie Medlin from City Dietitians.

The reality is that those with endometriosis are more likely to have other gut issues, too.

One study of 37,000 women with endometriosis, published in the journal Gut, found they were more likely to develop IBD. 2. DIET CAN’T CURE ENDOMETRIOSIS Whatever you’ve read, there’s no diet that can ‘fix’ endometriosis.

However, what you eat may help symptoms, with some evidence of long chain omega 3s being beneficial – likely due to their anti-inflammatory properties.

“Due to the chronic inflammatory nature of endometriosis, we can assume that diet changes that also help control inflammation might be supportive of managing endometriosis in the long term,” adds Sophie Medlin.

For those dealing with bowel issues, working with a dietitian to look at the role of things such as fibre in the diet could also be beneficial.

3. IT CAN TAKE MANY DOCTORS TRIPS TO GET DIAGNOSED On average, it can take women 10 visits to their GP, and seven and a half years, before they’re diagnosed with endometriosis.

Recent research published in Patient Education and Counseling found that this invalidation by medical professions can lead to those with endometriosis having lower self-esteem and increased chances of depression, which is >>> happiful.com | Issue 59 | 91

Taking the combined pill in a continuous method could offer the greatest relief in symptoms by minimising the number of bleeds you have a year

why it’s so important for doctors to listen and take period issues seriously.

“I would say that the findings of this work aren’t surprising for many individuals with endometriosis, though I believe it helps validate the challenging diagnostic experiences of many patients, which I hope itself is therapeutic,” explains Allyson Bontempo, PhD Candidate in Health Communication at Rutgers University, who led the research.

But why does it take so long?

“In some cases, endometriosis can take anywhere from 6–10 years to diagnose, because of symptoms being dismissed as just 92 | Issue 59 | happiful.com

bad period pains, and perhaps some GPs misdiagnosing or not pushing for a pelvic exam. This is especially true of younger women,” explains Dr Giuseppe Aragona, GP and online doctor for prescriptiondoctor.com 4. IT ISN’T ALWAYS GENETIC, BUT IT CAN RUN IN FAMILIES. Reports suggest that if someone has endometriosis in your family, you are up to seven times more likely to develop it. However, having endometriosis doesn’t always mean a family link, or that you’ll pass it on to your own children in the future.

“Although there are several theories on hormones, genetics and the way women menstruate, there is no known singular cause,” explains Dr Giuseppe.

“While the condition does tend to run in families, it’s not been exclusively proven, and it’s likely that a combination of multiple elements causes the condition.”

5. ENDOMETRIOSIS IS LINKED TO YOUR MENTAL HEALTH While we often discuss the physical symptoms of endometriosis, it’s important to remember mental health can also be impacted. Research has found that women with endometriosis are twice as likely to experience depression, and higher instances were linked to the severity of pain women go through. This pain itself can be debilitating, impacting an individual’s quality of life. It’s important to speak to your GP if you feel you need support with your mental health, and you could also look into the

food & health

charity Endometriosis UK, which runs a support network for those living with the condition.

6. THE PILL MAY BE ABLE TO HELP While there’s no cure for endometriosis, and studies suggest that around 60% of women have repeat surgical procedures, the contraceptive pill could offer some benefits.

According to NICE, most women find some relief from taking these, but it can take time for them to work and to find a pill that suits you and your body.

“Combined hormonal contraceptives thin out the womb lining, prevent ovulation, lighten or even stop periods. This means that endometrial deposits can become smaller without the hormonal stimulation of the menstrual cycle,” explains Dr Fran Yarlett from contraceptive comparison site The Low Down.

“Taking the combined pill in a continuous method could offer the greatest relief in symptoms by minimising the number of bleeds you have a year.

These benefits often lead to an improvement in symptoms, and can protect your fertility by reducing inflammation and scar tissue.”

7. YOU DON’T NEED TO GIVE UP GLUTEN A common nutrition recommendation for tackling endometriosis is to give up

On average, it can take women 10 visits to their GP, and seven and a half years, before they’re diagnosed with endometriosis gluten, but nutritionist Shannon Western says that this isn’t necessarily the approach for everyone.

“There’s no evidence that all people with endometriosis need to avoid gluten,” Shannon explains. “In people with endo, there is a higher rate of coeliac’s disease, and non-coeliac gluten sensitivity, than in the non-endo population (the reasons for this are currently unknown), so if you do have endometriosis, you can be tested for coeliac’s disease to rule it out.”

The key thing to note is that if you don’t have coeliac disease, there’s no reason that going gluten-free would help your endometriosis symptoms.

8. FATIGUE IS COMMON Another common symptom of endometriosis is fatigue, often caused by heavy periods. A study published in Human Reproduction found that twice as many people with endometriosis experienced fatigue, when compared to those who don’t have the condition.

This could also be because sleep issues are more likely when living with endometriosis.

The study also found women with endometriosis were seven times more likely to experience insomnia, while other research has found sleep quality is poorer, too. Planning your schedule to ensure you get enough sleep could be worth trying, as well as tucking into magnesium-rich foods.

“Magnesium-rich foods like leafy greens, bananas, nuts, and wholegrains (bread, rice, quinoa, etc.) can be helpful before periods to reduce fatigue and pain before/during periods,” explains Shannon.

Endometriosis can be difficult to live with, and that’s why raising awareness of life with this condition is so important.

For more information about being diagnosed with endometriosis, as well as support for living with the condition, visit endometriosis-uk.org Sophie is a dietitian, director of City Dietitians and chair of the British Dietetic Association for London.

Shannon Western is a nutritionist specialising in disordered eating and women’s health.

For more support and information relating to endometriosis, visit nutritionist-resource.org.uk happiful.com | Issue 59 | 93

When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy RUMI

Photography | Shwa Hall

94 | Issue 59 | happiful.com

true story

Challenging the status quo As a teenager, Rupert experienced a period of debilitating anxiety – but, now, as a young entrepreneur, he’s using his experience to create supportive, uplifting environments for all Writing | Rupert Rixon

A

s a child, I was always very confident, excitable, and extroverted. I enjoyed acting in plays and was featured in several TV commercials. Despite getting very nervous before any performance, this didn’t affect me negatively. I knew I’d always relax into it after feeling apprehensive.

Fast-forward to March 2016. I was invited to a Google workshop, then asked to host a presentation the following week. I was to speak about how YouTube had enabled me to flourish as an entrepreneur, as well as the longboarding trip I took across America – from LA to NY – which I turned into a documentary.

I arrived at the workshop, having had little sleep the night before. I was asked to present some ideas in front of a group of people and, as I stood up, I suddenly got extremely nervous. It seemed to come out of nowhere and I could barely get any of my words out.

My eyes got watery and I felt a huge lump in my throat. I thought I was going to burst into tears. I persevered and pushed through, but was concerned as this was something I had never encountered before. I felt that there was little explanation for why I felt so anxious.

I started feeling extremely stressed in the runup to the second talk at Google the following

week. Thoughts were constantly racing through my head that the same thing might happen again, even after trying to reassure myself. Anyway, the day came and my fears came true. Standing at the back of the room watching others present before my allotted slot, I became incredibly hot and flustered. I went and spoke to my account manager, and I was forced to pull out of the talk after having a panic attack just before I was due to speak.

I went and sat in the bathroom where I tried to calm myself down, but left the Google headquarters and went home extremely disappointed. Over the next couple of weeks, my mental health started to decline rapidly. I fell into what seemed like a bottomless pit. I found it incredibly hard to go out in public, and even struggled to take short trips out of the house to places like the supermarket.

Two of my mum’s friends came over to our house and I couldn’t even face seeing them. This is when I realised something was seriously wrong.

I climbed out of our downstairs bathroom (so as not to be seen by my parents’ friends) and started running to the local GP practice. On the way, I called my mum to let her know my concerns. She knew this was completely out of character, picked me up in the car and drove me to the doctor. >>>

happiful.com | Issue 59 | 95

My experience with anxiety has helped me understand that people can be really unpredictable I spoke to the GP about how I’d felt and what had happened. They prescribed me antidepressants, which I was reluctant to take, but knew I was in a bad place. On the way home, I asked my mum to drop me halfway down the road from our house so I didn’t have to be seen by my parents’ friends.

This was a really low point for me.

At the time, it felt like I was never going to be able to do anything I had wanted to. How was I going to run a business when I was struggling to socialise or look anyone in the eye? I had a major trip hitchhiking through India coming up in two weeks, and I knew I was going to encounter many social situations outside of my usual comfort zone.

Was it the right time, was I ready for that trip?

It was a difficult decision, but I decided to go to India. This is something that I had planned for a long time, and I didn’t want my anxiety to get the

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better of me or my career. Throughout my time abroad I filmed the 2,000 mile trip from Delhi to Thiruvananthapuram, Kerala. During the trip, the anti-depressants started to kick in, which helped. I completed the trip, and although I was still anxious, I came home feeling significantly better in myself for conquering some of my fears. Since then I’ve been building myself and my confidence back up over the last four years.

It took a long time for me to feel confident in myself again, and as much as I was able to rebuild that, I am still working on other areas.

My company Perspective Pictures has grown a lot since 2016 and we’re now a team of 18. This means there are a lot of occasions where I have to address groups of people. As the founder and MD, I’m the face of the business, meaning I have to fly the flag and need to be able to communicate effectively with clients every day.

A huge milestone, that showed me how far I’d come, was when I was recently interviewed on Sky and BBC News. These events were a big thing for me. I was quite nervous beforehand but I had been having hypnotherapy in the run-up. The interviews went well, and I’m proud of what I accomplished – this is something I couldn’t have even considered a couple of years ago.

One of my big aims for this year is to keep on overcoming my public speaking fears. I’m very open with my team about my mental health

true story

which, in turn, has enabled them to be open with their mental health. We have a very positive environment at work and as much as we all have our struggles, I’m hoping we can create a supportive and empowering environment to champion our team. My experience with anxiety has helped me understand that people can be really unpredictable. We try to keep up morale in the company and encourage our staff to travel, so we have an unlimited annual leave scheme to support this. We also recognise how important exercise is for mental health, and organise monthly activities to get the team out of the office having some fun. We also did a charity Santa fun run recently for charity. We ran 10k in Santa outfits to raise awareness for young people with mental health problems.

As an entrepreneur, I believe it’s in our nature to challenge the status quo by looking at how and why things should be different. I think

sometimes the stereotype of an entrepreneur is a hard, aggressive individual who’s unfazed by stressful situations. However, this is often not the case. I think the key to being a successful entrepreneur and a good leader is to be open and honest with your team, especially about mental health, and try to talk about any concerns your colleagues may have.

It’s important at Perspective Pictures that we feel that we can all be a support to each other and not feel alone. I feel it’s important to lead with empathy, and understand people’s problems. In doing so, you’re much more likely to have a positive working environment, and efficient communication with others you work with.

OUR EXPERT SAYS Rupert’s remarkable journey provides inspiration for anyone experiencing anxiety.

The challenges of his career, at one point, created overwhelming anxiety that had a significant impact o his mental health. Rupert was able to recognise this and accessed

support to overcome his mental health challenges. He now leads by example and is flourishing.

Rav Sekhon | BA MA MBACP (Accred) Counsellor and psychotherapist

happiful.com | Issue 59 | 97

Morning affirmations

Empowering sentiments to start your day Today is a new day.

I am committed to my personal growth.

I am capable of tackling any obstacle.

My thoughts do not control me, I control my thoughts.

I am worthy of investing in myself.

My tension is melting away.

My feelings deserve to be recognised.

I am the architect of my own life.

I give myself permission to follow my dreams.

x x x x x x xfamily xxxx The xHappiful

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