Happiful November 2020

THE MAGAZINE DEVOTED TO MENTAL HEALTH

NOV 2020 | £4

The stress special Feeling overwhelmed?

You are not alone.

We've got you covered

WORK WOES | RELATIONSHIP HURDLES | HEALTH CONCERNS

Take care of you

The stats might say one in four, but let’s be realistic – it’s rare for anyone to go through life without ever feeling stressed at some point.

And with everything that’s happened in 2020 so far, anxiety seems to be, understandably, at an all time high.

We’re trying to live in a world with rules we’re not accustomed to, with fears and uncertainties that can make us feel so small and powerless.

But we’re here to tell you that when it all feels too much, you can reclaim control.

In this special issue, we’re looking at the key areas in life that contribute to that feeling of overwhelm, to offer expert advice and essential ideas on how to overcome it.

From our feature on p20 revealing the signs of anxiety you might have missed, to tips on getting over your ex (adios!), ideas to make saving money a breeze, and recipes to soothe and send you to sleep, less stress could be just one article away.

If you’re reading this, feeling like there are so many thoughts flying around your head that you can’t cope, or the amount on your plate is impossible to deal with right now, we’re here for you.

And we feel it, too.

The thing we can’t emphasise enough is you’re not alone. We hope these pages hold some valuable insight to help you through this, and make the stress a little more manageable.

Country singer Gary Allen said: “Every storm runs out of rain.” When you’re feeling overwhelmed, and can’t see beyond the grey clouds, know that it won’t last forever. Brighter days are coming.

W | happiful.com F | happifulhq T | @happifulhq

REBECCA THAIR | EDITOR

I | @happiful_magazine

Health

14 What is surge capacity?

Are your emotional energy reserves drying up?

18 In it for the long run

Learn how to come to terms with a long-term condition

20 Anxiety uncovered

12 surprising symptoms you might not be aware of

48 Dreamy dishes

Try the recipes that promote sleep

83 A matter of memory

What is transient global amnesia, and who can it affect?

De-stress

27 SOS skincare

Discover a self-care routine that leaves you glowing and rested

37 Emily: taking control

As she quietened her inner-critic, her anxiety followed suit

47 Soothing sensory tips 53 Check-in on No.1 76 Potter away problems The wellness trend you’re probably already doing

Fitness

57 Stefanie Williams

The fitness guru on empowering women and life with endometriosis

72 Yoga for everybody

Work

44 When it’s all gone wrong Cap catastrophic thinking

50 80

54 Building a business

The Mum Bub Hub founders on the secrets to their success

78 Make your voice heard How to speak up in meetings

Finance 32 Cash concerns

Our expert answers your questions about financial stress

43 Rainy day funds

Culture

8 In the news

This month’s uplifting stories

13 The wellbeing wrap 24 Gabrielle Bernstein

What drives the best-selling motivational speaker?

Simple money-saving tips

34 What’s on in November

64 Home sweet home

63 Open book

Ditch the renters’ shame and make a mark on your home

Sit back, relax, and get stuck into the latest good reads

27 78

Emotions

40 Tackle temper

Accept, control, and curb anger

69 Lui: holistic healing

How crystals helped one man through personal challenges

80 When is it time to stop?

Spot the signs of an unhealthy relationship with alcohol

87 Sam: make a change

Since overcoming his own addiction, Sam now helps others

Relationships

16 Pandemic pregnancies Our columnist reflects on the challenges she’s faced so far

31 Listen with empathy 50 The big break

How to move on when a relationship comes to an end

60 Caring or controlling?

76

Spot the signs of abuse

90 Give yourself a break

*

Expert review Every issue of Happiful is reviewed by an accredited counsellor, to ensure we deliver the highest quality content while handling topics sensitively.

Stress inevitably impacts us all in some shape or form.

It’s a natural part of being human to feel stressed, however, the impact it can have on each of us is unique.

This issue provides excellent insight into how stress can affect our lives. With anxiety increasing across the nation, the simple tips for spotting the signs and symptoms of anxiety on p20 will no doubt be helpful. The more aware we are of what might be impacting our wellbeing, the greater ability we have to act and get the support we both need, and deserve.

RAV SEKHON BA MA MBACP (Accred)

Rav is a counsellor and psychotherapist with more than 10 years' experience.

Our team EDITORIAL Rebecca Thair | Editor

One undeniable truth is that finding the right help for each individual is a journey – what works for one of us will be different for someone else. But don't feel disheartened if you haven't found your path yet. Our Happiful family can help you on your way. Bringing together various arms of support, each of our sister sites focuses on a different method of nourishing your wellbeing – from counselling, to hypnotherapy, nutrition, coaching, and holistic therapy.

Kathryn Wheeler | Head Writer Tia Sinden | Editorial Assistant Bonnie Evie Gifford, Kat Nicholls | Senior Writers Becky Wright | Content & Marketing Officer Katie Hoare | Digital Marketing & Content Officer Grace Victory | Columnist Lucy Donoughue | Head of Partnerships Ellen Hoggard | Digital Editor Keith Howitt | Sub-Editor Rav Sekhon | Expert Advisor

Expert Panel

ART & DESIGN

Meet the team of experts who have come together to deliver information, guidance, and insight throughout this issue

Amy-Jean Burns | Head of Product Charlotte Reynell | Creative Lead Rosan Magar | Illustrator

COMMUNICATIONS

CLAIRE GOODWIN-FEE

MICHAELLA MAZZONI

PG Dip Int Counselling MBACP

DipCNM mBANT CNHC

Claire is a psychotherapist, and founder of Frontline19.

Michaella is a nutritional therapist, supporting gut health.

Alice Greedus | PR Officer alice.greedus@happiful.com

CONTRIBUTORS

Caroline Butterwick, Katie Conibear, Lydia Smith, Kamalyn Kaur, Donna Noble, Emily Green, Lui Krieg, Sam Church

SPECIAL THANKS

PHILIP KARAHASSAN

ROS KNOWLES

MSc, MBACP MBPsS

NLP AfSFH CNHC

Philip is an established counsellor and psychologist.

Ros is a solutionfocused clinical hypnotherapist.

Graeme Orr, Rachel Coffey, Esther Emanuel, Claire Goodwin-Fee, Philip Karahassan, Ros Knowles, Dr Dean Burnett, Michaella Mazzoni, Barbara Bates

MANAGEMENT

Aimi Maunders | Director & Co-Founder Emma White | Director & Co-Founder Paul Maunders | Director & Co-Founder

SUBSCRIPTIONS

BARBARA BATES

GRAEME ORR

BA (hons)

MBACP (Accred) Reg Ind

Barbara is a coach supporting people under pressure.

Graeme is a counsellor working with both individuals and couples.

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Rachel is a life coach encouraging confidence.

Esther is a clinical hypnotherapist and psychotherapist.

Helping you find the help you need.

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KIDS

Parents create card game to celebrate diversity

Photography | Philippa James

The Uplift

Cards on the table – we need to do more to increase diversity and representation in children’s toys. And that’s exactly what mother-and-father team Alexa and Arhat Virdi decided to do, after their young daughter was given a pack of princessthemed ‘snap’ cards. Alexa and Arhat were concerned about the effect that the white-centred game would have on their daughter, a child of multi-heritage – so they came up with an alternative.

Working with artist David Tshabalala to make a kid’s game that runs a little deeper, ‘Super Sapiens’ is a deck of cards featuring 12 inspiring women from around the world, and can be played as snap, a memory test, or a ‘super guess’ game.

“Growing up in the 80s, there were almost no books or toys with brown characters, and it definitely made me feel like I was the ‘weird one’,” says Arhat. “Representative products ensure that children do not have the seeds of self-doubt sown in them at a young age.”

But as well as increasing visibility, Arhat and Alexa had children’s mental wellbeing in mind when they created the deck – including a blank card for children to draw their own self-portrait to add to the game.

“We want to encourage kids to look within themselves for validation,” says Alexa, “and to learn to unconditionally love themselves just because they are themselves.”

Empowering, engaging, and expressive?

Sounds like a full house.

‘Super Sapiens’ is available from Etsy.com Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

SOCIETY

‘Swapping bodies’ could help open your mind

TECHNOLOGY

Futuristic conversations boost care home residents’ mental health

Image | University of Bedfordshire

Robots bring the benefits of a friendly chat We all benefit from a coffee and catch-up from time to time, but getting our diaries to line up with friends can be a struggle. So what if we didn’t need to rely on other humans to get our social fix?

According to a new study from the University of Bedfordshire, those days could be closer than we think.

As part of a new trial using robots in care homes, results have shown that those who spoke regularly with robots, over a two week period, have seen a significant improvement in their mental health.

These ‘culturally competent’ robots can hold conversations on topics ranging from history to religion, as well as retaining information about those that they

have spoken with, to use in future conversations. Lead author of the study, Dr Chris Papadopolos, said that robots could eventually make a real difference for those in residential care.

“This study is ground-breaking because it is the largest ever investigation into the use of autonomous social robots for older adults in care settings,” he explains. “Poor mental health and loneliness are significant health concerns. We have demonstrated that robots can help alleviate these.”

Of course, nothing beats a catch-up with a loved one. But this research highlights how technology is finding ways to support our mental health, and helping us feel more connected.

As strange as it might sound, we’re not talking cult classic Freaky Friday or 17 Again scenarios.

According to the latest research, virtually spending time in someone else’s body could alter our sense of self, and even our memories, thanks to a fascinating link between the physical and psychological.

Using virtual reality headsets, 33 pairs of friends made the virtual jump into the other’s body.

Following the short experiment, participants revealed they felt more like their friends, rather than themselves – going on to display their friend’s characteristics in areas such as confidence, cheerfulness, and talkativeness.

According to neuroscientist Pawel Tacikowski, these results could have interesting practical implications. “People who experience depression often have rigid, negative beliefs about themselves that can be devastating to everyday functioning. If you change this illusion slightly, it could potentially make those beliefs less rigid and negative,” he explains.

While there’s still plenty more research to be done to fully understand and investigate links between the physical and psychological, these early results suggest there really is a lot to learn from stepping into others’ shoes.

Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford

happiful.com | 9

WORK

Nice guys don’t always finish last Has anyone ever told you that you’re ‘too nice’? Perhaps that it’s a dog-eat-dog world out there? Well, you now officially have permission to roll your eyes, because research says that’s far from true.

Tracking the career success of ‘disagreeable’ people, a paper published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences found that, regardless of the individual or context, disagreeableness doesn’t give people an advantage in the competition for power.

While some selfish so-and-sos do reach high positions at work, they don’t get there any quicker than others – and any power boost they do get from intimidating others is offset by poor interpersonal relationships, the researchers found.

Co-author of the study, Professor Cameron Anderson, shared his advice to managers: “Pay attention to agreeableness as an important qualification for positions of power and leadership. Prior research is clear: agreeable people in power produce better outcomes.”

So by all means, set boundaries at work and stand up for yourself, but remain compassionate. Pull others up with you as you climb and, when you reach the top, smile sweetly at those who doubted you.

Writing | Kat Nicholls

happiful.com | 11

Take 5

Put those thinking caps on, and carve out some quiet time to solve this month’s puzzling fun…

How d id do? Se you a 'freebi rch e s' at shop.h appifu l.c to find the an om and m swers, ore!

Spot the difference

Explore these visuals of the great outdoors, and think outside the box to uncover the seven differences between them.

Anagrams Unscramble the following letters to reveal the secret words.

Hint: things to help you de-stress Stars Bells

Luna Jog In

Atone Timid

Hat Ebb Bulb

Rice Exes

Sculpt Deed

Nag Kilt

Alienist Soles

The

wellbeing wrap Sir David Attenborough has joined Instagram! Need we say more?

Adidas launches Toy Story trainers inspired

by Woody and the gang – with ‘Andy’ on the sole!

Sadly, they’re only in kids’ sizes...

Tel Aviv to start constructing an electric road that charges public buses as they travel

Lindt has opened a Willy Wonkastyle chocolate museum and tour! Where’s my golden ticket?

A dad has raised £6,000 for charity by cycling 200 miles on his daughter’s bike

Forgive & connect The Global Forgiveness Initiative charity has seen a huge spike in downloads of its resources, and visitors to its site – a tenfold increase in a year!

It seems that while lockdown may have separated us physically, emotionally we are reconnecting, and finding ways to move forward.

SOME PEOPLE ARE USING THEIR EXTRA TIME AT HOME IN LOCKDOWN TO GET ADVENTUROUS IN THE BEDROOM. BDSM IS THE BIGGEST TREND, TRIED BY 84% OF BRITS IN A SURVEY

BY SHOWERSTOYOU. CO.UK, AND IS SEARCHED 135K TIMES EACH MONTH!

LOVE IS IN THE AIR

Weddings might have limited numbers at the moment, but it only takes two to tango! And a new poll by OnBuy.com has revealed the best first dance songs for a happy marriage –with Elton John’s ‘Can You Feel the Love Tonight’ as the top choice. Of course, the music of love is far more about the person you’re dancing with than the song - but a good rhythm won’t hurt!

Sweet dreams are made of these

Ever wondered what your dreams mean? Luxury Bed Co revealed that, in recent times, the most frequent dreams include houses, with 165,000 searches a month. It’s believed homes can be a representation of ourselves, with rooms symbolising aspects of our life and emotions. With 135,000 monthly searches each are snakes, which can represent healing, and teeth falling out, which might signify stress and anxiety.

ELWOOD, A TABBY CAT FROM MELBOURNE, AUSTRALIA, HAS BEEN GIVEN THE TITLE OF ‘HEAD OF SECURITY’ AT A LOCAL HOSPITAL, AFTER SPENDING SO MUCH TIME HANGING OUTSIDE. HE SOUNDS LIKE THE PUUURFECT CANDIDATE.

A pizza good news...

An 89-year-old pizza delivery driver from Utah, USA, recently received a $12,000 tip! Derlin Newey was given the money after a regular customer turned out to have a big TikTok following, and asked for donations. Hopefully it starts a domino-effect of acts of kindness.

Rocketman

Giving visual proof to the fact that first responders are superheroes, jet pack suits are being tested by paramedics in the Lake District! The impressive piece of kit means that response times to help someone in the fells drops from 25 minutes to just 90 seconds.

Puppy

love

The bond between people and their pets is hard to match. And if you needed any more reason to give in to those puppy eyes, a study by Canine Cottages recently revealed that dogs really do love us back. Following a social experiment using heart rate tracking collars, it found that our furry friends’ heart rates increase by 46% when their owner says ‘I love you’, and when we cuddle, it decreases by 26% thanks to feeling comfortable and relaxed.

Two words, eight letters

One positive that’s come out of the past few months seems to be how much more we appreciate things in our lives.

In fact, Brits are saying thank you 14 times each day, which adds up to an incredible 98 times a week! The survey

by One4all Gift Cards also found that 32% of us better understand the impact of showing our appreciation.

In fact, beyond just those magic words, 33% of us are using compliments to show our thanks, 23% share a hug (when social distancing isn’t in place), and 17% of us give a gift. But however you show it, the important thing is to let someone know how you feel.

What is surge capacity?

In times of crisis, we all have reservoirs of emotional energy that we can call into action, to help us cope with the initial challenges. But what happens when those reserves start to dry up?

H

Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

ave you ever considered how, when faced with immense difficulties, we can often surprise ourselves with our response?

Seemingly out of nowhere, we find the emotional strength needed to deal with the task at hand. We’re able to function to a higher capacity, and might even feel energised to face whatever challenge lays ahead of us. It might be in the wake of a natural disaster, or perhaps when a loved one is unwell or struggling – and right now, there’s one glaringly obvious, uniting challenge that people around the globe are all tackling, and that’s the Covid-19 pandemic.

Often used to describe the ways that hospitals are able to deal with emergencies in the short-term, surge capacity was first applied to our emotional range by Professor

14 | happiful.com

Illustrating | Rosan Magar

Ann Masten, psychologist, professor of child development, and expert in resilience at the University of Minnesota.

Capturing our initial response to crises, this innate ability saw a lot of us through the first steps of lockdown.

Cast your mind back to March this year. Did you find yourself surprisingly energised? Perhaps open to some of the changes that came into place, finding new ways to connect with loved ones, and keeping yourself busy? Or maybe you simply carried on in a relatively normal way, able to keep your head above the water without too much trouble.

That could well have been your surge capacity kicking into play – working overtime while you navigated this strange and trying new reality.

The ability to tune-in to an innate reservoir of energy is something that resonates with psychotherapist and counsellor

Esther Emanuel, who notes how, as humans, we all have these resources that enable us to live from moment to moment for a short period of time, if we need to.

“Our surge capacities vary from person to person,” explains Esther. “How and when we replenish our capacity varies too, and this is an important point to note, especially when comparing ourselves with others. It is our emotional surge capacity that determines how long we can carry on in a crisis before we are depleted.”

‘Depleted’ – that’s the key word here. Because an emotional surge capacity, like a resource capacity, is there to help us deal with the short-term effects of an emergency.

None of us needs a reminder of how long we’ve been dealing with this pandemic,

stress special : health

How to take care of yourself through sustained challenges Esther says…

Ease yourself into each new day: Wake up early, walk softly and slowly, make yourself a drink. Pay attention to yourself and how you’re feeling.

Take time to check-in with yourself: Do this at least once a week so as to be aware of how you feel, and to determine what it is you need – more rest, solitude, or leisure activities.

with uncertainty about when it will end – but it’s safe to say that any reserves we did have saved, may be starting to run low after months of work.

A depletion in your surge capacity might resemble similar feelings to burnout, as Esther recalls while reflecting on her own journey.

“I’ve experienced a depletion of emotional surge capacity personally, but not specifically during this pandemic,” says Esther. “As I remember, I felt irritable, tired, struggled to be coherent, had a loss of motivation or drive, and the feeling that I just needed to sleep – and for a long time. But these times have helped me in gaining awareness of myself and learning how to manage my emotional stress.”

As Esther learned, it is possible to replenish your surge capacity, and this will likely be in the form of self-care, and really taking the time to consider the things that we’re feeling. But something that is also key in addressing depleted surge capacity is acceptance.

We can’t always be ploughing forward at full capacity – and that goes for ‘normal’ times as much as it does the uncertain ones. And while many of us will have been able to call upon energy reserves so far, if you’re starting to run low, or you’ve already hit the bottom, accept you’ve reached your limit, and understand that wherever that limit may be for you, it’s OK. Take time for you, respect your boundaries, listen to your body, and replenish your mind.

Give yourself what you need: Be gentle on yourself. Play some soothing music. Take a bath or shower, and be aware of how the water feels against your skin. Practise self-care.

Live in the moment: Practise living as if this moment is all that you have. Also, learn to let go of your worries or cares for extended periods of time.

Just be.

Esther Emanuel is a psychotherapist and counsellor. Find out more by heading to counselling-directory.org.uk

happiful.com | 15

Experiencing pregnancy during a pandemic...

wit h Grace

Being a first-time parent is full of new and uncertain experiences, and in these unprecedented times the pregnancy journey is entering even more unfamiliar territory, with fresh challenges

I

Nevertheless, we are more than half way now, and the initial disbelief and excitement still remains. I am in awe of my body and how capable it is, I am unbelievably grateful to be pregnant, healthy, and experiencing this entire process, and I’m incredibly excited to give birth (seriously!), and welcome our baby boy to the world.

However, while I feel so empowered and confident about pregnancy and labour, I would be lying if I said there haven’t been times that I’ve felt low. But these low moments, and feelings of sadness or doubt, aren’t specifically about pregnancy, but more to do with pregnancy during a pandemic.

Lockdown came with its own set of emotions and feelings for us all. Individually, I felt OK with it, but I worried for other people – especially friends and family. This pandemic is unlike anything we’ve ever faced, and with a growing lack of faith in our government, I’ve really empathised with the anxiety and stress felt through society.

And then, the hospital appointments and baby scans went into my diary along with a very important note of: “You will have to attend this scan alone due to our hospital’s Covid-19 rules and regulations.” Suddenly the excitement we felt together, and the milestones we would be reaching, were going to be taken away from us.

In every scan and appointment, Lee has been told to wait outside.

Hospitals make me anxious at the best of times, but even more so when I am being examined or spoken to about pregnancy and labour. It’s daunting, and I view this as our pregnancy – his opinion and feelings matter in this experience too, but it seems like nobody’s acknowledging that.

When our baby boy is wriggling around on the screen, Lee misses that – which makes us both feel sad – so every now and then we pay for scans at a private clinic.

Those scans are our saving grace, but what about those expecting parents who can’t afford to pay for private scans, or

Photography | Alex Cameron

’m pregnant! I am actually pregnant, and I am buzzing with excitement. Just saying the words out loud blows my mind – yes, this is really happening!

All my life I’ve dreamed of motherhood, and even more so since meeting my partner, Lee. I knew he would eventually become the father of my children and now, BAM, there is life inside of me.

Every day I wake up and am so thankful that I’m growing our baby boy. In the past few weeks I’ve felt his first tiny kicks. They’re so light and fleeting, but every few days when I feel him move, it is the most amazing feeling.

We found out on 1 July that we were expecting, and it’s been a whirlwind ever since. My early symptoms were tiredness, cravings for egg mayo sandwiches, chin breakouts, and stretch pain.

I also felt like I was constantly jet lagged, so seeing the positive pregnancy test made sense. I finally knew why I felt off for so long, and could barely muster the energy to run a glass of water, let alone work and socialise.

@GRACEFVICTORY

I am in awe of my body and how capable it is

who don’t have access to a clinic close to them? This pandemic affects everyone, and I can’t help but think it hits lower income families, and less privileged people, the hardest.

I feel angry and frustrated that pubs, gyms, and schools are open, but an extra person – often the other parent – is excluded, and not allowed to support their partner through appointments.

I do wonder why maternity and antenatal care is being

affected like this, with little-to-no explanation.

There is now a petition, #butnotmaternity, raising awareness of the difficulties faced by those on a pregnancy journey, and highlighting the fact that other activities allow multiple people to be present. Pregnant people can work at hospitals, and we can travel abroad, but a partner/friend/relative of an expecting mother is not allowed in appointments or scans. I truly

believe this treatment is rooted in sexism, patriarchal views, and misogyny – pregnancy is viewed as not as important.

Being pregnant in a pandemic isn’t easy, but I am trying to remain positive. I understand these are unprecedented times, but I don’t think that is a reason for the current maternity rules and regulations, and resulting lack of support expecting parents are experiencing. There is a life growing inside of me, and I am over the moon that I am in the position I am, but that doesn’t take away the fact that two people made this baby, and yet one of them is constantly excluded.

Big love to all who are pregnant during this pandemic – especially first-time mothers like myself, who may feel the impact more heavily. May all of us have happy and healthy pregnancies and births, and get the support we rightfully deserve.

If you haven’t signed the #butnotmaternity petition on change.org yet, please do!

Love Grace x

Coming to terms with a long-term condition Whether you have a mental health condition, chronic illness, or other disability, living with a long-term condition can be hard, especially in a world that often feels so inaccessible. From someone who has been there themselves, follow these tips to help you process your emotions, whatever they may be...

Writing | Caroline Butterwick

I

was born with a visual impairment, but coming to terms with its effect on my life wasn’t straight-forward.

Then, as a teenager, I began to experience mental health issues. I was uncertain and worried, and at times felt like I was the only person going through these things even though, according to the disability charity Scope, there are 14.1 million disabled people in the UK. Whether you’re struggling with the shock of a new diagnosis, or are trying to make sense of an illness you’ve always lived with, here are some tips for coming to terms with a long-term condition.

1. Acknowledge your emotional response It’s completely normal to feel a mix of emotions about your situation, especially if you’re going through something new and unknown. Counsellor Claire Goodwin-Fee explains why we may feel this way.

“Illness and disability are things that are often not of our choosing,

18 | happiful.com

Illustrating | Rosan Magar

and so there will be a sense of loss, fear, or grief for our ‘normal’ world, and perhaps also for what we thought our lives would look like,” Claire says. “Taking time to process this and to be aware of how we are feeling is just as important as our own physical response.”

2. Connect with others Meeting other disabled people has helped me feel less alone with my experiences. There’s often a sense of solidarity through sharing stories – from frustration at the inaccessible coffee shop in town, to talking about how we’ve managed issues such as disclosing disability at work.

Counsellor Claire recommends connecting with others as a way of normalising and understanding our feelings. Whether it’s a support group with people who may share your health condition, or something more informal, these connections can help us to explore our feelings in a supportive environment.

3. Decide how you want to talk about your situation It’s your choice how you talk about your disability or health condition, and you shouldn’t feel forced to share your story with everyone if you’re not comfortable doing so.

If you do decide to have conversations about your condition, Claire recommends that you let others know what you would like from them, but also what you don’t want, or find unhelpful. You can do this in person, or put your thoughts in an email, text, or letter. Claire suggests trying to use ‘I’ statements in this conversation, so as not to alienate anyone, and to own your feelings. For example, you could say, “I feel uncomfortable when X happens, and instead, I would prefer Y.” You are communicating your thoughts and feelings, and setting boundaries in a way that will feel positive and constructive for both you and your loved ones.

stress special : health

It’s completely normal to feel a mix of emotions about your situation, especially if you’re going through something new and unknown

4. Understand your rights as a disabled person In the UK, you are classed as disabled under the Equality Act 2010 “if you have a physical or mental impairment that has a substantial and long-term negative effect on your ability to do normal daily activities”. This means you have a level of legal protection.

Of course, as many disabled people know, unfortunately, this doesn’t stop all discrimination or make everything accessible to everyone. But knowing your rights, such as for reasonable adjustments at work or in

education, can help you make your case. It has taken me some time to get used to asking for support, but now it comes naturally and makes things much easier. Find out more by heading to citizensadvice.org.uk 5. Use creative activities to make sense of your experience As a writer, I’m naturally drawn to activities like journaling, poetry, and freewriting about my experience. Creative approaches can help us make sense of our situation, and see the journeys we’ve been on or the challenges we’ve faced.

Claire suggests the following creative exercise: go online and find a list of emotional descriptive words, then write these on pieces of paper, stones, bottle tops, shells – whatever you’re drawn to – and place them in a bowl. Pick one at random, and ask yourself if or how this word relates to what’s happening for you now.

Sometimes, just finding the right words, whether in a personal poem or when talking to a friend, can help us make sense of our experiences, and come to terms with what we are going through.

happiful.com | 19

12 things you didn’t know could be symptoms of anxiety Anxiety can affect us in so many different ways, and being able to spot the signs can help you to address it before it becomes overwhelming. How many of these symptoms did you know about?

Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

A

ccording to the NHS, generalised anxiety disorder (GAD) affects up to 5% of the UK population, and is defined as a consistent or recurring feeling of unease, worry, or fear.

But beyond the statistics, we can all experience anxiety at points throughout our lives, and with the current pandemic and uncertainty in the world, it might be affecting certain people perhaps for the first time.

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For some of us, specific activities can be anxiety-inducing, such as speaking in front of a crowd or attending a doctor’s appointment, or waves of anxiety might fall over us as we go through a particularly stressful time.

The thing with anxiety is that it can creep up on us, sometimes in deceiving ways. So how can you spot it when it does? Here, we share 12 things you may not have known could be symptoms of anxiety.

stress special : health

1. Difficulty concentrating Do you ever struggle to get your mind to settle on the task at hand?

Or find it difficult to block out distractions? Challenges to your concentration are a common symptom of anxiety. It could be that you’re tackling constant intrusive thoughts – perhaps worries about whatever it is that may be troubling you – or maybe your mind feels clogged. When we’re struggling with anxiety, our bodies go into fight-or-flight mode, meaning that we’re on high alert. All that considered, it’s no wonder that our minds go into overdrive, too.

ANXIETY AFFECTS MORE THAN

8 MILLION PEOPLE IN THE UK

2. Shame spirals A family member you haven’t seen in a while leaves a comment on a photo you uploaded to Facebook, saying that they miss you. Do you: a) send them a message to find a date you can get together; or b) feel guilty that you haven’t seen them, declare yourself a selfish and thoughtless person, dwell on this all day, and replay the interaction over and over in your mind late into the night? Sound familiar? It’s called a shame spiral, and it can be a sign of underlying anxieties. >>>

happiful.com | 21

nd advice a For more ty, ie x n with a support e e fr r u o d downloa p p a l u if Happ

Every night in the UK, 22% of people have trouble falling asleep 3. Chills Chills are an incredibly common, yet rarely spoken about, symptom of anxiety.

When our body goes into fightor-flight mode, this brings about a rapid change in our body temperature, which can result in us feeling ‘chills’. Chills can also be accompanied by an increase in our sweat response – a cold sweat – which all comes from the adrenaline that’s flowing through our bodies as our anxiety levels rise.

4. Heart palpitations You’ve heard of the phrase, ‘My heart skipped a beat.’ This is what an anxiety-induced heart palpitation can feel like. It can also describe a racing heartbeat, or simply an unusual awareness of your heartbeat – all of which are triggered by your panic response. That said, if you are experiencing regular heart palpitations, it’s worth checking in with your GP, just to be assured you don’t have any other underlying problems.

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5. Trouble sleeping Every night in the UK, 22% of people have trouble falling asleep, and it would be a fair guess to say that many of those cases could be related to anxiety. In the same way that intrusive thoughts can prevent us from concentrating during the day, an anxious mind can keep us up at night. Does this sound familiar? Check out our recipes to help you drift off on p48.

6. Being over-controlling Do you struggle to give up control when working on a project? Or perhaps if you’re arranging a meet-up with friends, you need to know every detail of the plans?

Anxiety can make you fear being out of control, and so overseeing every detail can help you feel more relaxed about challenging situations. Of course, controlling behaviour can be unpleasant for others and – in the worst-case scenarios – even abusive. If you struggle to give up control and this is affecting your relationships, it may be a good idea to speak to a professional.

WOMEN ARE TWICE AS LIKELY

TO BE DIAGNOSED

WITH ANXIETY

stress special : health

Anxiety conditions include - generalised anxiety disorder - mixed depression & anxiety - trichotillomania - social anxiety

7. Skin flair-ups If you already live with a skin condition like acne, psoriasis, or eczema, anxiety can cause these to flair up through periods of stress. This is due to the relationship between our stress response and our hormones. Hormones stimulate our skin glands and hair follicles, which is why we might start to see pre-existing skin conditions worsen through difficult times.

Perhaps you could try a more mindful skincare routine – head over to p27 for our tips.

8. Irritability Returning to how anxiety can put us into fight-or-flight mode, we may find that we’re less able to control our temper, or don’t respond to stressful or irritating situations in our normal manner when we’re in ‘fight’ mode. You may find that you’re a bit more prickly, that you lash out at other people, or you might find that you have overreacted to a situation that normally wouldn’t bother you.

- panic disorder - work-related stress - health anxiety - dermatillomania - body dysmorphia

9. Procrastination Procrastination is when we continuously put off a job or task that we know needs to be done. When it comes to an anxious mind, it’s easy to see how worries about something may lead us to avoid it – but sometimes that’s not always obvious. If you’re finding that you keep on putting a task off, work backwards and consider why this might be.

10. Perfectionism Essentially, this one can be pinned down to overthinking. Perhaps you worry that the things you produce will never be good enough, or you’re anxious about meeting other people’s expectations.

You may find that you constantly nit-pick at your work, going over it again and again to make sure there is nothing that could be perceived as wrong about it. Of course, not all perfectionism stems from anxiety, but this could be one subtle way that it intrudes into your daily life.

11. Never saying no We all feel compelled to say yes to things that we’d rather not do every now and then – whether out of politeness or a sense of duty. But chronic peoplepleasing could stem from a place of anxiety as you feel worried about letting others down, or have a fear of feeling out of control.

12. Nausea and stomach pain Feeling sick, stomach cramps, constipation, gas, and bloating – the gut-brain connection is a complex, and delicate system. Connected via neurotransmitters, what’s going on in our minds can directly affect our gut.

You might have digestive problems when experiencing high levels of stress, or maybe you feel nauseous before a big interview. Beyond that, when we’re already anxious we may have gut symptoms – or we eat different things – which can then fuel our anxiety, trapping us in a cycle.

For many people, anxiety comes and goes throughout their lives.

For some, professional support may be needed, and for others the key to coping is in the daily activities to help manage it, and in being able to spot the signs and respond.

If you’re struggling with anxiety, visit anxietyuk.org.uk or call their helpline on 03444 775 774.

happiful.com | 23

Gabrielle The journey Bernstein to happiness As a New York Times’ best-selling author and hit motivational speaker, who better to catch up with than Gabrielle Bernstein to uncover where her motivation comes from, and why now is the time to make a change?

Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

Hi Gabby! When did your own search for happiness begin?

At the age of 15, I experienced my first bout of depression. My search for happiness began when I asked my mother to teach me to meditate, so that I could help myself get out of the depression – and it worked!

What did you learn about yourself on that journey? I always say that I’ve been on a journey of unlearning fear, and remembering who I truly am. In the process of unlearning, I have become more happy and free.

You talk about the importance of overcoming fear. How did you get past it? Fear is a pervasive condition that drives most of our decisions and behaviours. We have unique reasons for being fearful, based on experiences from our past, so we react in our

24 | happiful.com

own ways. Fear is a projection on to the future, a regret from the past, and the inability to be present in the moment. Through devoted spiritual practices, and commitment to personal growth, one can undo the belief systems of fear, and become new. This all begins with the willingness to see things differently.

Why do you believe it’s important to acknowledge that peace and happiness can come and go? We can never expect to be happy all the time.

I teach people to focus on their ‘comeback rate’. Rather than having high expectations of perpetual happiness, we must instead use spiritual and personal growth practices to ‘comeback’ fast. Release the need to feel happy all of the time, and then focus on your ‘comeback rate’ instead.

Why do you think there is such a huge appetite for selfimprovement at the moment?

Now more than ever, people are looking for hope and faith. Given the circumstances of this time, we have two choices. We can numb out and stay stuck in negative coping patterns, or we can wake up and heal. Many people have heard the call to heal and grow, in order to survive and thrive. The world has hit a collective bottom, and the way out is to turn inward for healing and strength.

What is it that drives you to want to help others? I have lived in the pursuit of my own freedom and happiness. Knowing the relief of what it feels like to recover from trauma, addiction, fear, and suffering, is the greatest gift I’ve received. It is my responsibility to share that gift with the world.

I want to help people crack open

stress special : culture

‘Spirit Junkie: A 52-Card Deck’ by Gabrielle Bernstein (Hay House Publishers, £17.99)

Photography | Chloe Crespi

Fear is a projection on to the future, a regret from the past, and the inability to be present in the moment their own spiritual relationship so that they, too, can embrace a new baseline for happiness.

How do you feel when you see people who follow your advice thriving? I’m so proud of them!

The feeling is pride!

We never stop learning. What’s something you’ve learned recently? I’m deep in research mode. I’m writing a book on trauma recovery, therefore I’m researching neuroscience, countless therapeutic practices, and post-traumatic stress disorder.

What would you like readers to take from your ‘Spiritual Junkie’ card deck?

I want people to accept that they have the power to change their experiences by changing their inner belief systems.

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Photography | Anthony Tran

“

Within you, there is a stillness and a sanctuary to which you can retreat at any time and be yourself HERMANN HESSE

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stress special : de-stress

M i n d f u l s k i n c a r e With everything 2020 has thrown at us so far, it’s not surprising that stress might be taking a toll on our skin, so it’s time to show ourselves some TLC. Here’s how you can reap the benefits of mindfulness in your skincare routine Writing | Becky Wright

W

e can all benefit from adding a little more mindfulness to our day-to-day lives. But, particularly at the moment, when we might be feeling the effects of months in lockdown (the pandemic has taken its toll, hasn’t it?), there’s no better time to provide some relief for your mind and skin.

Aileen Rafferty, clinic owner and head of education at theskinexperts.co.uk says: “Our skin has not functioned under normal circumstances during months of lockdown. Being at home more, extreme hot spells of weather, sitting in front of our devices for hours, diets that consist of more home baking,

and trying out new exercise classes, will have had a massive impact on our skin.”

Aileen notes that all of these factors can create new skin issues, from dryness and dehydration, through to redness and sensitivity.

Constant worry and stress can also have our skin behaving very differently from normal.

Skincare in an age of face masks “Many of us have also had to get used to wearing a mask, sometimes for several hours at a time, and this will continue to be the norm as we return to daily life,” says Aileen.

Although they are vital for limiting the spread of Covid-19,

face masks can be problematic for our complexions. Anything that sits on the skin has the potential to block your pores, which can lead to breakouts and irritation.

Katerina Constantinou, clinical nurse and trainer at theskinexperts.co.uk says: “For our safety, we must wear our masks, sometimes for long periods, so make sure you cleanse the skin well, morning and night, to keep the pores clear.

“Keep your mask clean, so it is not transferring bacteria, and ensure you use a good hydrating product to keep the skin supple.

Also, whenever it is safe to do so, take the mask off and let the air get to the skin.” >>>

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How does mindfulness apply to skincare?

Much like other terms used in relation to skincare – natural, clean, and balanced to name a few – mindfulness can mean different things to each of us.

In terms of looking after our skin, mindfulness is commonly associated with: • Cruelty-free or vegan skincare.

• Packaging with eco-friendly or reusable materials.

• Skincare made from natural or plant-based products.

• Products made from minimal ingredients.

• Incorporating tools or techniques into your regime, such as face yoga, or using a jade roller for facial massage.

• Taking time to enjoy a slowerpaced skincare routine, rather than rushing the process.

• Understanding how certain factors can affect your skin – from the foods you eat, to your hormones and menstrual cycle.

• Noticing how your skin looks and changes, and adapting your regime with suitable products.

Whether you identify with some or all of the points above, the most important factor is the focus on the present moment. It’s about caring for yourself in the here and now. So, you really can be mindful with your skincare, regardless of budget, time, or skin type.

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stress special : de-stress

Our skin has not functioned under normal circumstances during lockdown. Being at home more, sitting in front of our devices for hours, more home baking, and trying out new exercise classes, will have had a massive impact on our skin

What can we do to combat stressed-out skin?

Here we’ll explore some simple ways to incorporate a more mindful approach to taking care of your skin. These tips will help you to feel calm and rejuvenated, and can also help to soothe any skin issues you may have.

Take your time Not only can your skin benefit from waiting for each product to absorb and dry before moving on to the next one, but slowing your routine down is also great for your mind. As you apply each product, try to focus on what you are doing. Notice how it smells, pay attention to the packaging, the consistency, how it feels on your skin.

Even if you’re short of time, you can allow yourself just a couple of minutes to tune out external noise, and focus on you.

Take notice of the products you’re using Do you pay much attention to the labels on your products? Do

you know the benefits of their ingredients?

If you’re suffering from angry, sore skin, or are experiencing ‘maskne’ (blemishes as a result of wearing a face mask), Aileen Rafferty suggests looking for anti-inflammatory ingredients.

These can help to repair and strengthen skin.

The following ingredients can be a good place to start: • Aloe vera: contains antioxidants, enzymes, and vitamins that cleanse, revitalise, and calm skin.

• Avocado oil: highly moisturising, and contains fatty acids that build healthy cell membranes for a glowy and plump complexion.

• Vitamin C: the perfect treatment for keeping skin bouncy and rejuvenated, with astringent properties that will keep skin tight and help prevent wrinkling.

But remember, you don’t need expensive products (or lots of products) in order to be mindful.

You can start by simply taking more time and care with the products you’re already using.

Breathe it out (and inhale the aromas) As you make your way through your routine, keep checking in with your breath. For a simple breathing exercise, you can try breathing in for four counts, hold for four counts, breathe out for four counts, and then hold again for four counts.

As you do this, notice the scents of your skincare products and enjoy the benefits of their aromas. Deeply inhaling can help to create a sense of relaxation and serenity.

Certain scents can also help us to achieve particular moods.

If you know some basics of aromatherapy, you may be familiar with the energising benefits of citrus scents. So, you may want to choose skincare products enriched with vitamin >>>

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‘Pay attention to the different consistencies of your products, notice how they feel in your hands or on your face’

C for your morning routine, which often have orangey aromas. This can have a wonderful energising effect, to set you up nicely for the day.

Equally, you may choose lavender-scented products for your evening skincare routine.

Known for helping us to relax and drift off, lavender is a favourite plant extract for many.

Lavender has a host of other benefits too, including aiding skin recovery, and boosting blood circulation.

Take notice of texture Touch is another great way to embrace mindfulness.

Pay attention to the different consistencies of your products, notice how they feel in your hands or on your face,

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and whether they change consistency when mixed with water. Notice how your skin feels under your fingertips.

When you reach the final product in your skincare routine, really pay attention to your skin as you massage it in.

Feel the curves and contours of your face with your fingers. Take a moment to focus on areas that feel tense or tender. Perhaps

you clench your jaw when stressed, furrow your brow, or experience pain around your temples from headaches.

Gently release this tension as you massage, showing kindness to these points on your face.

For more information on skincare and mindfulness, check out articles on our free Happiful app.

stress special : relationships

H O W TO L I S T E N W I T H E M PAT H Y Be patient. Allow them to speak in their own time.

Create a safe space to speak. Even if you don’t agree with what they say, show that you’ve understood – nod, or use phrases such as “I see” or “I understand”.

Be a mirror. Show you’ve heard them by repeating back their thoughts or feelings.

Pay attention to body language. Try to keep comfortable eye contact, use attentive gestures and expressions.

Keep questions open. Avoid disputing facts for now, and instead concentrate on how they feel. You could ask questions such as: “How did you feel when that happened?”

When summarising their thoughts and feelings, be sure not to interrupt – try to find a natural pause so as to not disturb their flow.

Remember that you’re not here to offer solutions – instead, make sure the speaker feels free to talk openly, and without judgement. They need to feel heard right now.

Ask the experts Life coach Barbara Bates answers your questions on financial stress Read more about Barbara Bates on lifecoach-directory.org.uk

Q

I’m feeling really stressed about my finances and have no clue where to start.

What first step can I take to get a handle on them?

A

Congratulations, you’ve already taken your first step by acknowledging that

Q

The pandemic has impacted my finances, and I’m finding it hard to stay positive. How can I keep a healthy mindset when it comes to money?

A

The pandemic has been difficult for almost everybody, so it’s not surprising that you don’t feel

there’s a problem. Your next step is to take a deep breath and see exactly where you are – you need to know the facts, what’s coming in, and what’s going out.

Set aside a couple of hours and have a treat ready for when you’ve finished. Gather your statements and unpaid bills, and make a list of your monthly commitments, alongside a list of what you know is coming in.

This might feel hard at first, but there are lots of ways to do this, including a notebook and pen, budgeting apps, or even a spreadsheet. You might want some help with this so maybe ask a trusted friend, or you can contact Citizens’ Advice for practical help, especially if you have problem debts. The first step is the most important, and you have just taken it!

overwhelmingly positive. But one way to help with this is to concentrate on what you can control.

You can’t control if you’re made redundant, or have no customers due to Covid-19, for example, but you do have some choice in what you do next – some people have moved their businesses online for instance. In these uncertain times, it’s even more important to keep an eye

on your finances. Knowledge is power here!

Another idea is not getting hung up on money as ‘a thing’.

Money has no power in itself.

It only has meaning because we as a society agree on its significance. You can look at it as a form of energy and, like all energy, it flows. You can affect that flow with everything you do – so, focus on the bits you do have the power to control.

Life Coach Directory is part of the Happiful Family | Helping you find the help you need

stress special : finance

Q

I’ve never been good with money but really want to start saving. Every time I go to make a plan, however, I clam up – how can I move past this mental block?

A

Top tips for those struggling with financial stress: • Don’t suffer in silence – get help from an advisor or a coach.

• Deal with it in small chunks of time, don’t try to fix everything at once.

• Control the things you can do something about.

Recommended sources • C itizens Advice – also advises on other issues than finance.

• M oney Saving Expert with Martin Lewis – has a regular newsletter for all matters financial.

• M oney Advice Service – set up by the government.

If you really want to start saving, it sounds like you’re better with money than you think, so give yourself credit – no pun intended! Our relationship with money can be very emotional, and tied up with feelings of scarcity, loss, and fear.

These are powerful emotions and might feel overwhelming, so that could be why you ‘clam up’ and feel stuck.

One way to start getting past this is to make a list of all the benefits of having some savings, and really feel the positive emotions that come with that. This is more helpful than frightening yourself with scenarios of doom, because this fear switches off your thinking brain. You can also start a savings account that doesn’t let you draw from it for a period of time – as long as you know you have left enough for daily expenses.

HAPPIFUL TOP 10

November

Rest, relax, and recharge. Make time for meditation, pick up a book to brighten your day, and marvel at the world around you

1

PAGE-TURNERS

Kind Words for Unkind Days Written by Jayne Hardy, founder and CEO of The Blurt Foundation, this book is a practical pick-meup for life’s tough days.

Filled with advice and encouragement to help you find brightness in the darkest of times, Kind Words for Unkind Days will help you feel happier, healthier, and calmer.

(Out 12 Nov, Orion Spring, £12.99)

OUT AND ABOUT Beautiful birds

3

PUT ON A SHOW Meditation

With our brains constantly in overdrive, it can be hard to carve out 15 minutes to find some quiet. Setting aside time to meditate allows us to enjoy a sense of calm. If you struggle to switch off, a guided meditation can help give you something positive to focus on. Try our 10-minute lovingkindness meditation on YouTube.

(Search ‘Happiful’ on youtube.com)

‘How Do You Cope?’

We all have different ways of coping through stressful times, and there’s a lot we can learn from one another. Radio presenters and comedians, Elis James and John Robins, talk to guests about the challenges they’ve faced in their own lives, to help remind us we are not alone in our struggles.

(Listen to the podcast on iTunes and Spotify)

5

PLUGGED-IN

2

Birdwatching can be a great way to connect with nature, and you don’t need to go further than your own garden – or even just looking out of your window! Leave the distractions behind, find a quiet spot and stay very still. Note down the birds you can spot, and learn more about them with the help of the RSPB bird identifier.

(Visit rspb.org.uk to find out more) 34 | happiful.com

4

LEND US YOUR EARS

Liz and Mollie

Friends, and authors of No Hard Feelings, Liz Fosslien and Mollie West Duffy, explore the ups and downs of emotions at work.

Their illustrations are a gentle reminder to be kind to yourself through the challenges of your professional life.

(Follow @lizandmollie on Instagram)

6

TECH TIP-OFFS Breathwrk

Breathing exercises can be a powerful tool to help alleviate stress.

Breathwrk allows you to select the areas you want to focus on, from reducing anxiety, to falling asleep. The app walks you through your recommended breathing exercises, and sends you daily reminders to practise your breathing.

(Download from the App Store)

7

9

THE CONVERSATION International Stress Awareness Week

With the uncertainty this year has brought, stress has affected us more than ever. The theme of this year’s Stress Awareness Week is managing stress and mental health in the age of Covid-19. It’s time to highlight the problems stress can bring, and share insights from around the world.

(2–6 November, visit isma.org.uk)

SQUARE EYES Our Planet

If you’re looking to switch off after a stressful day, what better way than to listen to the soothing voice of Sir David Attenborough as you marvel at the natural beauty of the world. Our Planet reminds us all that we are a part of something bigger than ourselves, and we have a duty to protect it.

(Available on Netflix)

8

10

GET GOING Move your body

Dancing to music from a happy time and place in your life can help you wave your worries goodbye. If you need some inspiration to get you started, dancer Jessie DiazHerrera shares uplifting body positive workouts you can follow while you shimmy your stresses away.

(Search ‘Curves With Moves’ on youtube.com)

TREAT YOURSELF Scentered De-stress Therapy Balm

Essential oils are used in aromatherapy to help encourage rest and relaxation. The Scentered De-stress Therapy Balm is blended with chamomile, neroli, and mandarin.

Perfect to carry in your bag and use throughout the day to stay calm and in control. (£14.50, shop online at scentered.me)

WIN!

Win a Scentered De-stress Therapy Balm For your chance to win, simply email competitions@happiful.com with your answer to the following question: What essential oil is most popular for aiding sleep? a) Lavender b) Eucalyptus c) Peppermint *Competition closes 19 November. UK mainland and Northern Ireland only. Good luck!

happiful.com | 35

Photography | Adam Lemieux

“

I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars 36 | happiful.com

OG MANDINO

stress special : de-stress

Finding confidence with anxiety Panic attacks and anxiety dictated Emily’s life, causing her to withdraw from the world around her. But when she learnt to control her inner critic, everything changed, and she found the power in her own voice Writing | Emily Green

I

n 2016, at the age of 15, I experienced a panic attack for the first time. Of course, I didn’t know it was a panic attack then, as I’d never experienced anything like it before!

I was on holiday with my family in France, travelling around in our motorhome, when another vehicle pulled out in front of us and my dad had to do an emergency manoeuvre.

Right after this, my body zoned out and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I can’t tell you exactly what initiated the panic attack – whether it was the thought of nearly being in a collision with another car, or the idea of my family being hurt.

Either way, I didn’t have enough time to think about it as I couldn’t control my breathing. I also feel claustrophobic in small spaces, so if you put two and two together, you can probably imagine how I felt.

Days went by and nothing more happened, so I imagined it was a one-time thing. Little did I know that I would start to experience that same feeling every time something bad happened. It was then that I realised I may have an anxiety

disorder. The common symptoms I would experience included shaking, intense heart rate, nausea, and numbness. I would also have an instinctive reaction to run away whenever something bad happened.

For the first year it was really hard, as I just wanted to avoid the fact that I had anxiety. I would cover it up and not tell anyone, apart from my close family. Sometimes I would feel a lot better, and then something would spark the anxiety again. It was particularly hard when travelling in a vehicle as I began to feel PTSD symptoms from the time I had my first anxiety attack. This led to me postponing learning to drive, and also it meant that I was super cautious whenever I was in a vehicle.

Over the next few years, I started to understand what was happening to my body and why I was feeling the way I did – so I did everything in my power to stop it from happening. Whenever I thought about doing something out of my comfort zone, my body would go into panic mode and cause me to overthink. >>>

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Facing up to her anxiety allowed Emily to move on

Whenever something ‘scary’ was coming up, I would hide away for as long as possible until that particular situation went away.

For the longest time I wanted to be homeschooled so that I didn’t have to put myself through the anxiety and stress. I was always seen as the shy girl who never spoke up, and was a complete pushover. I hid behind other people (literally – I never wanted the teacher to pick on me), and only attended events if I was sure that my close friend was going. Going out for meals with a group of people was hard, so I usually had to cancel. The worst part was that I couldn’t even tell anyone why, because I was too embarrassed and ashamed to say it was because of anxiety.

Additionally, being shy led to social anxiety, which ultimately led to imposter syndrome.

This meant that in my later school years I didn’t believe I should be there as I wasn’t as clever as the other students. I ended up being in a place where I didn’t speak a word, and because of this, people thought I was being rude – which led to further anxiety and depression.

The hardest part of having anxiety in school was that I didn’t know who I could go to, and who I could trust. I felt like there wasn’t enough support given to mental health and for getting

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Whenever I thought about doing something out of my comfort zone, my body would go into panic mode and cause me to overthink through it. I wanted someone to talk with me about my options, and how I could get better. I really wanted to tell my teachers, but I felt too embarrassed to mention anything. I used to cover up my anxiety as best as I could when I was around other people, as I didn’t want to be labelled as ‘the crazy person’. Even though it was only a few years ago, I didn’t realise how many people are constantly affected by anxiety and how it isn’t unusual to experience it.

Looking back, I also believe that my anxiety and self-esteem issues were affected by the people that I surrounded myself with. My friends at

stress special : de-stress

school were generally really clever. I wasn’t particularly intelligent, so when I used to get a lower grade, I would instantly feel down. I would jump to the conclusion that I was ‘dumb’ or ‘stupid’, even though that wasn’t the case at all. I put myself under a lot of pressure to match their level, but looking back, it just made me more stressed.

However, in 2019 that all changed when I learnt how to control my inner critic. I realised that it’s OK if I have anxiety – I’m going to embrace it.

Setting up my blog, ‘wecanconquer’, in January was the first step to overcoming the obstacle that had been holding me back for so long.

Finally admitting my struggles with anxiety led

me to challenge myself to get better. It felt so rewarding to be in a position where I could talk about what I went through (and still go through), and how to encourage others to speak up about it, too. I felt so lucky to have a voice that people actually listened to, after being on the outside for so long.

In the summer, I finally started to take driving lessons, which was a really big achievement for me. I realised that anxiety doesn’t control my emotions, and I have enough strength and courage to fight through the scary situations. Instead of seeing anxiety as a barrier, I saw it as an opportunity to progress.

I want to encourage those who are still struggling with their anxiety and selfesteem, because it does get better! It’s so hard to see how important you are when you’re struggling, but just take a moment to look at yourself from someone else’s perspective, and you’ll see how loved you are. We’re all unique, so don’t try to be like everyone else. It’s so important that we use our voices to show that we can battle through our mental illnesses. Even though I still struggle with my anxiety, I am now able to look at it as a challenge for me to get better every time.

OUR EXPERT SAYS Emily’s panic attack left her struggling with anxiety, and increasingly affected her life as she felt the need to flee stressful situations, and hide her feelings from those around her.

She started to avoid going out, and as a result felt vulnerable and isolated. It began to change how she thought about herself. But when Emily learned to challenge her inner critic there

came a turning point. Through being open about her anxiety, and challenging it, things started to improve. Emily’s story shows how we can make a significant difference by challenging our anxious thoughts, and being open about our emotions.

Graeme Orr | MBACP (Accred) counsellor

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Anger management It’s a common and valid emotion, which can have positive benefits, but if you’re worried that your outbursts are embarrassing, distressing, or spinning out of control, there are plenty of techniques to help you curb your temper Writing | Katie Conibear

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e all get angry. It’s a natural emotion that we may experience from time to time, but the way it presents itself can be different for everyone – and how we deal with anger often reflects our

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personality. We might become overwhelmed by the anger we’re feeling, and this is especially true for some mental illnesses, such as borderline personality disorder (BPD), bipolar disorder, and posttraumatic stress disorder.

I live with bipolar disorder, and during manic episodes I struggle with explosive anger.

For instance, I once punched a wall because I couldn’t find my hairbrush. It was very awkward and embarrassing to explain to

stress special : emotions

my landlord why there was a dent in the bedroom wall. Like everyone though, even when I’m stable, I also have times when I struggle with moments of anger.

Many of us often feel uncomfortable and even embarrassed by our anger. The physical reactions in our bodies, and the feeling of being out of control, can be really difficult to deal with.

Counsellor and psychologist Philip Karahassan explains: “Anger is a response to a stimulus, or to something happening that you need to take action on. It’s a normal bodily response that is simply letting you know that something needs to get done. So, it’s a motivator. However, anger gets a bad reputation as it is seen as something destructive that takes you over.”

I spoke to Liz, who has BPD with mixed anxiety and depressive disorder, about the anger she experiences, and how she’s learnt to manage it.

“Anger can be quite a big thing in BPD, as our emotions are so extreme, so anger can explode.

I’ve found that to deal with my anger in a healthy way has been hard, as I used to self-harm and turn it all inwards. Now I try

to force myself to take a step back and evaluate the situation.

Kind of checking the facts (a dialectical behaviour therapy skill), and seeing if my anger is justified – but also not allowing myself to explode, and instead show my anger in a more constructive way.”

It’s important to accept when we feel angry. Sometimes, showing we’re angry can be a positive thing, as it can help us share our worries or concerns. It can show someone how passionate we are, how much we care about a subject or a problem. It can help us stand up for ourselves when we feel we’ve been wronged. It can motivate us to do something positive. It’s OK to be angry.

Our anger can sometimes become a problem if we don’t manage it in a healthy way though. We can feel overwhelmed by it, and can’t see a way to move past it. With bipolar, I often feel trapped by my anger. I get stuck in what feels like a never-ending cycle, and it can be over the most trivial of things. Maybe there’s a problem we can’t fix, we feel frustrated with someone or something, but don’t know how to express it. Or maybe we’ve learnt to internalise our anger, and let it build up

until it explodes. Either we turn it on ourselves, or on the people around us. When it becomes all-encompassing, and we can’t move past it, then we need to find remedies to deal with it.

Start using anger as a signpost to let you know that something is wrong and you need to take action to fix it So how can we learn to manage our anger?

Keep an eye out for warning signs that you’re becoming angry.

These are physical responses we can all identify with. It might be that your heart starts beating faster, you feel your body becoming tense, and you’re clenching parts of your body, such as your fists or jaw.

Philip Karahassan suggests some techniques to manage your anger. “You have to be aware that if you haven’t taken control over the parts of your life that made you angry, then they will build up, causing you to get angry when you feel a similar way to the initial response to anger that you never dealt with. >>>

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NINE TECHNIQUES TO TRY • Step away for a moment • Vent to someone you trust • Utilise breathing techniques • Count to 10 before responding • Work it off with some exercise • Try physical outlets such as hitting a pillow, or breaking ice cubes • Distract yourself • Try crafting or creative outlets • Explore journaling to work through the emotion

“Learn to pause for a moment and see the anger as something that is positive and useful to you. Work out a way to use the anger to solve the problem or gain control over the situation.

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Ask yourself if you are angry at that situation, or maybe a similar situation from the past, that you need to understand and rectify.

“Start using anger as a signpost to let you know that something is wrong and you need to take action to fix it. Then the anger will be used adequately and eventually dissipate.”

Walk away from the situation, if you can. Go for a walk, or have a good vent and rant with someone you trust, and who doesn’t mind you letting off some steam. Learn some breathing techniques, and count to 10 before answering or reacting. There are a number of breathing apps that can guide you through some useful techniques.

It might also help to work off the anger. Exercise is a positive way to expel unwanted anger. It doesn’t just have to be exercise; you can use other tools to manage an outburst of anger. Sometimes we just want to hit something, so try hitting a pillow. I have a big bag of ice cubes in my freezer that I’ll smash on the kitchen

floor or in the sink. It’s oddly therapeutic!

If you’re not comfortable expressing your anger in a physical way, distraction might be the way to go. Keeping your hands busy, such as making something, crafting, or painting may help. You might want to confront the root cause of the anger, and this is where journaling comes in. Writing down your thoughts can help you work through emotions.

Use whatever techniques work for you. If anger continues to be a problem, seek out some therapy. This could help identify any underlying issues that are causing the anger, or a potential undiagnosed mental illness.

Remember, you’re not alone in your anger. We all have times when we struggle to manage it.

Katie Conibear is a freelance writer who blogs at stumblingmind.com.

Her first book, ‘Living at the Speed of Light’, about bipolar disorder, is due out in March 2021.

stress special : finance

6 essential money-saving tips Straight in your basket It’s easy to be drawn in by impulse buys when you’re wandering around a store. Stick to the essentials by making a list in advance, or order online where possible – this helps you keep to your budget, and minimise waste.

Pocket money Consider putting away a set amount of money on a regular basis – £10 into your savings each week won’t feel like much, but adds up to £520 in a year!

Try the 30-day rule While we’re at home more, it’s easy to find that boredom leads to online shopping. Make a rule that if you want to buy something, put the money in your savings. After 30 days, ask yourself if you still want or need it? More often than not, the urge to splurge will have passed, and you can leave that money in your savings instead.

Save space It’s good to have regular clearouts of your home and wardrobe to declutter the space around you – and potentially make a little cash while you’re at it. If you have items you no longer use that other people might want, you could sell them on Facebook Marketplace, Depop, Ebay or other sites.

Shop smart Where possible, try to shop around 6pm to 7pm. Often you’ll find this is the time that the reduced item labels are put out, meaning you can bag yourself some tasty bargains for a fraction of the normal price.

APPS TO TRY • Plum – an AI assistant that connects to your bank account, analyses your spending habits, and automatically saves money for you.

• Moneybox – this awardwinning app rounds up your purchases to the nearing pound to help you save.

• Vouchercodes – get spending savvy with this app that collates all the best vouchers on everything from restaurants and hotels, to tech and shopping.

How to stop

catastrophising Does your mind automatically jump to the worst-case scenario when things appear to be going wrong? Learn how to reconnect with reality by following these tips Writing | Lydia Smith

I

t’s a scenario many of us have experienced: your partner said they would be home around 7 o’clock, but it’s gone 7.30 and they’re nowhere to be seen. You begin to imagine all the horrible things that may have happened – maybe there’s been a traffic accident? You’re in full panic mode, until they arrive home safe and sound, having missed the bus.

Catastrophic thinking is a problem for lots of people, and is particularly common among those who experience high levels of anxiety, which can lead them to imagine the worst has happened.

“Often people tend to magnify the negatives and minimise the positives about a situation,” says Dr Ian Nnatu, a consultant psychiatrist at Priory Hospital North London. “This could be

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Illustrating | Rosan Magar

based on their upbringing. For instance, if a person had a parent who was always very anxious and had a negative outlook on the future, this could go on to affect their own outlook on life.”

Hilda Burke, a psychotherapist, couples counsellor and author of The Phone Addiction Workbook, adds that, for some clients she has worked with, they feel that imagining the worst possible scenario or outcome prepares them for if, or when, that does happen. Mental health problems such as anxiety or depression can also alter your perception of the predicted outcome of a situation.

While being prepared can be a good thing, the problem comes when these thoughts spiral or regularly become overwhelming, and start to affect your daily

life. So what can you do to help reduce this kind of negative thinking?

Recognise catastrophic thinking “Being aware of your catastrophic thinking can help you to put steps in place to manage it going forward,” Dr Nnatu advises.

“When you find yourself having a catastrophic thought, ask yourself three

stress special : work

simple questions: What is the worst that can happen? What is the best thing that could happen?

What is the most likely thing to happen?”

By answering these questions, you can help shift your thinking as you build up a more balanced view of the particular situation, Dr Nnatu adds.

Write worries down “Ruminating or overthinking is never helpful,” says Catherine Gallacher, a Glasgow-based counsellor. “It’s always better to write things down and see things more clearly or objectively.”

By having things in writing, you may begin to see patterns in your thinking or behaviour. For example, if you often worry about being fired when you’re called into a meeting, but you have never actually lost your job, you may begin to realise your worries are unfounded.

Make lifestyle changes When you’re feeling particularly overwhelmed, it can be a good idea to distract yourself for a few minutes. Exercise can be beneficial as it reduces levels of the body’s stress hormones, such as adrenaline and cortisol. It also stimulates the production of endorphins – chemicals in the

brain that are the body’s natural painkillers and mood elevators.

A short walk, jog, or a yoga video can help us calm down when we’re gripped by anxiety.

Try calming techniques Catastrophising happens when we live in the future, and we try to anticipate what might happen, psychotherapist Hilda Burke explains. “The antidote is to try to be more present, and live in the moment. Meditation is the best technique I know for this,” she says.

“Even if you struggle to meditate, try to catch yourself as you start to catastrophise, and bring your focus on your breathing, taking some deep and slow breaths. This can help to slow the thoughts down.”

Speak to others or seek professional help It’s important to speak to other people if you often feel anxious or low, as they can reassure you, and

The antidote is to try to be more present, and live in the moment put things into perspective. If you often experience catastrophic thinking, however, this may only provide temporary relief.

One of the problems with catastrophic thinking is that as soon as the worry is lifted – when your partner returns home unscathed, for example – we soon find something else to feel anxious about.

The only way to break this cycle is to tame anxiety and learn to manage it, which can be done through cognitive behavioural therapy. Dr Nnatu advises seeking professional help if you find catastrophic thinking is interfering with your wellbeing and peace of mind.

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Photography | Elias Arias

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If we believe that tomorrow will be better, we can bear a hardship today 46 | happiful.com

THICH NHAT HANH

The

calm zone Engage your senses and discover a moment of tranquility

Writing | Rebecca Thair

Illustrating | Rosan Magar

Smell Lavender is often the go-to scent for those seeking calm, but jasmine could also be worth a try. Sometimes used as an antidepressant, a few drops of this essential oil can calm nerves, promote positive feelings, and help re-energise you.

How to use: Enjoy a home-spa experience by adding up to six drops of jasmine oil in 10ml of a base carrier oil to the warm water as you run a bath, ensuring you mix them in as you draw the water.

See To induce calm, really focus on something, and allow your eyes to completely take it in. Some relatively universal things to try include water, videos of cute animals, and stars twinkling.

Give it a go: Simply focusing on an object near you, and evaluating every detail, can ground you in the moment. Alternatively, use your finger to trace an infinity symbol in the air. Repeating this motion, and following it with your eyes, can be incredibly soothing.

Hear Whispering, chewing, tapping – these sounds have become part of the ASMR YouTube phenomenon, that can give people the ‘tingles’ as they calm and soothe us.

ASMR has been found to help with symptoms of depression and anxiety, as well as aiding sleep.

Tune-in: You can find countless videos for free on YouTube, so experiment to see if anything works for you – perhaps it’s squishing slime, pages turning, or even scratching!

Touch When you envision being calm, it probably conjures up feelings of safety, security, comfort and warmth. A weighted blanket is ideal to achieve this, thanks to its deeper pressure which helps to relax your nervous system. It’s basically a hug in a blanket!

Get yourself: There are many weighted blankets for sale, so think about the textures you find most comforting – cotton, flannel,

fleece – and pick one which is roughly 10% of your body weight, so it feels comforting without being too restrictive.

Taste A cup of camomile tea is just the thing to soothe an anxious mind.

But you could also try eating some raspberries or blackberries, as these are packed with antioxidants that can help ease low mood or depression, and also contain vitamin C, which helps to combat stress.

Why not try: Cook up some oatmeal, topped with a handful of the berries, and a side of camomile tea. The oatmeal keeps you balanced by releasing energy slowly, and also promotes serotonin release – the ‘happy hormone’. Mixed with the antioxidants from the berries, and calming properties of the tea, this meal is sure to set you up for the day in the right way.

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Sweet dreams

Simple recipes to help you sleep soundly Writing | Ellen Hoggard

There are many remedies that are thought to aid relaxation and promote sleep. From calming lavender scents and soothing baths, to heart-warming teas and tinctures, it may take a while to understand exactly which nighttime ritual works for you.

And the best news is you don’t need to splash the cash in order to build a healthy sleeping routine.

In fact, you can start with what

you’re eating. Certain foods are known to calm the brain, which can help prepare your mind and body for a night of rest. For example, for longer and better quality sleep, red and orange foods are important, as well as carbohydrates, vitamin C and selenium-rich produce (nuts, meat and shellfish). For aiding relaxation, opt for dark leafy greens such as spinach and kale.

SPINACH AND SQUASH GNOCCHI Serves 4

Method • Add the vegetable stock to a pan and bring to a boil. Add the squash, and salt and pepper.

Reduce to a simmer and cook for 15 minutes. Add the gnocchi for a further five minutes.

• Heat the oil in a separate pan and sautée the shallots and garlic until soft. Add the chickpeas, sage and spinach, gently stirring until the spinach is wilted.

• Combine all ingredients and mix well. Serve immediately with a drizzle of balsamic vinegar.

Ingredients • 500ml vegetable stock • 1 small butternut squash, peeled and chopped into cubes • 500g fresh gnocchi • 1 tbsp extra virgin olive oil • 4 shallots, sliced • 2 cloves garlic, minced • 1 can chickpeas, rinsed • 1 tsp sage • 250g spinach, coarsely chopped • 2 tbsp balsamic vinegar • Salt and pepper

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SOOTHING SLEEPY TEA Serves 1 Ingredients • 250ml almond milk, unsweetened • 1 camomile herbal tea bag • 1 tsp honey or maple syrup, to taste • 1/2 tsp vanilla extract Optional: Add a sprinkling of dried lavender buds for some extra relaxation.

Method • Gently heat the almond milk in a small saucepan, stirring continuously. When hot but not boiling, add the camomile tea bag and lavender buds, if you’re using them.

• Steep for five minutes.

• Add the honey and vanilla extract and stir.

• Remove the teabag. Pour into your mug of choice and enjoy.

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Find nutriti a near y onist o Happi u on the ful ap p

OUR EXPERT SAYS… There’s a reason your mum never wanted you to go to bed hungry!

Feeling hungry at night makes it difficult for the body to produce the sleep hormone, melatonin, and blood sugar imbalances leave us struggling to get a full night’s rest. The gnocchi recipe is packed with protein and carbohydrates, which is sure to satisfy and keep you fuller for longer.

When it comes to sleep, there are certain nutrients that our body needs to produce melatonin.

Magnesium is key in this process, and dark leafy greens are an excellent source. The chickpeas provide protein, which is important for balancing blood sugar while we’re sleeping.

Lavender is an ancient herb that has been used for many years. It has numerous benefits, but its sleep-enhancing power is certainly one to embrace. The camomile tea used as a base in this recipe can not only promote sleep, but also reduce stress, making it a particularly good choice for those who find drifting off tricky due to a racing mind. Be sure to cover the tea while it is brewing to contain the sleep-enhancing vapours.

Michaella Mazzoni is a registered nutritional therapist with special interest in female health, chronic pain and fatigue, gut health, and autoimmunity. Based in Edinburgh, Michaella offers face-to-face, online, and telephone consultations.

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G e t t i n g o v e r y o u r e x Going through a break-up can be tough. Moving on completely?

That can feel even harder. We share six ways you can let go of the past, and start moving towards a more positive future Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford

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e’ve all been there.

Whether you thought they were ‘the one’, or it was something more casual, even the most amicable of splits can have a big impact on us. The end of anything can feel like a time of emotional upheaval. For better or worse, a chapter of your life has come to a close. And that can feel pretty scary.

According to a study published in The Journal of Positive Psychology, it takes around 11 weeks to start feeling better after a relationship ends. And following the end of a marriage or long-term relationship, it’s believed that the figure is closer to 18 months.

So what steps can we start taking to put ourselves first, start healing, and move on?

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Lean on loved ones Reaching out when we’re at our most vulnerable can feel tough.

When you’re already feeling low from a break-up? It can seem impossible. Yet that’s often when we need the support of friends and family the most.

Whether you need to have a good cry, or you want someone to take your mind off of things, having someone to spend quality time with, talk, and just let you be, can help you feel like a weight’s been lifted from your shoulders.

If you don’t want advice right now, let them know. It’s OK if you’re not ready to talk, but our loved ones aren’t mind readers.

Setting boundaries can help you avoid feeling overwhelmed, and can reduce some of the pressure

they may be feeling with knowing what topics are (and aren’t) on the table. Open, honest communication is key.

Disconnect to reconnect Taking a break from social media seems to be the go-to solution for everything nowadays. But when you’re faced with the temptation to look up your ex – or scroll through your old photos – taking a step back to refocus on you can be a solid move.

Ditch the FOMO, and spend some time getting to know yourself again. You wouldn’t expect your friendships to flourish without a little TLC, so why should your relationship with you be any different?

stress special : relationships

Make time for quality selfcare. Enjoy the silence, walk in nature, or do something creative.

Regularly stop to ask yourself: how am I doing? No matter what the answer is, it’s OK – just taking the time to acknowledge your feelings can have a significant impact on your overall wellbeing.

Ditch the FOMO, and spend some time getting to know yourself again

Avoid temptation When trying to move on, it can be easy to fall into common traps.

Playing the blame game, finding a rebound fling, trying to be ‘just friends’ – there are so many ways in which we can let ourselves dwell on the past, or temporarily numb the pain with decisions that, rationally, we know aren’t best for us.

If you find yourself struggling to make a clean break, letting off some steam by chatting to friends can provide a good release, but try to focus on moving away from feelings of anger or resentment, as this can improve your mindset.

Plus it can be good to give yourself a break from situations where you may bump into each other. You need time to grow and prioritise you right now – it’s not selfish to let them know that.

If rebounds are your weakness, try focusing on friends and family. Chances are, you’re feeling pretty vulnerable right now. You need time and space to rediscover how to feel comfortable with being alone romantically. That doesn’t mean you have to feel lonely though. Spend time with close friends and loved ones in a relaxed, platonic setting. >>>

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Give yourself a new source of focus in the form of a hobby or rediscovering an old passion. Yes, taking time to figure things out and heal is important, but you need something to help you start rebuilding your life. Cultivating your non-romantic relationships, hobbies, and passions can all help you take this step.

Think outside the box Hypnotherapy can be a great tool when you’re struggling to find closure, or aren’t sure how to start over again.

During periods of transition between relationships and being single, you may struggle to adapt to a new way of thinking. A hypnotherapist can help you to enter a state of deep relaxation, where they can assist with identifying any specific areas you may be struggling with,

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implanting more optimistic views of your future. This can help you to reframe your thoughts, focuses, and goals – without stagnating on how things ‘might have been’.

A hypnotherapist can even help you to feel more comfortable and confident in yourself and your ability to feel fulfilled without the need for outside validation.

By turning the focus on what you want from your future, you can start redirecting your time and energy away from dwelling on your past relationship.

Through visualisation and positive suggestion, you can begin to get a clearer picture of the path you want to create.

Focus on your future One of the best ways to move forward can be actually planning how you want your future to look. Where do you see yourself

going in your personal and professional lives?

Journaling can be a great way of exploring both where you hope to be, and where you are right now.

Set aside time to write down everything you’re feeling. Are you frustrated or fulfilled in your career?

Could your work-life balance be better? Have you got that one big dream you never got around to looking at more seriously?

It’s time to leave the past behind – now is the perfect time to start reassessing what you want out of life, and who you want to be.

Give it time Chances are, you didn’t fall in love overnight. Moving on after a break-up is, in many ways, like a grieving process: there’s no right or wrong way to do it, no set timeline, and, most likely, it’s not going to be a linear process.

You’re going to have some days that feel awful. But you’re also going to have days where you feel amazing, and what’s-their-name doesn’t even cross your mind.

Be kind to yourself, and try not to get frustrated at whatever pace you are healing. You are making progress – you just might not see it yet.

To find out more about hypnotherapy for self-confidence and getting over your ex, visit hypnotherapy-directory.org.uk

stress special : de-stress

Time to check-in with you How do I feel right now?

What do I need?

What am I thankful for?

What have I learnt recently?

What do I want to let go of that’s holding me back?

What am I most proud of?

Where do I want to see myself, this time next week?

What steps do I need to take?

Business born from experience A candid conversation about childbirth led Anisah Kee-Scott and Nyree Adams to launch Mum Bub Hub, an enterprise with postpartum health and healing at its heart. But the company’s road to success was far from bump-free... Here, for anyone tempted to take an entrepreneurial leap into the unknown, the pair share the lessons they learned along the way Writing | Lucy Donoughue

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(for example, how to manage haemorrhoids, vaginal swelling, perineal tears, episiotomies and postpartum bleeding), as well as looking after a newborn.

While their community interest company is now a success, and a great friendship and shared passion for postpartum care is very much at the heart of what Mum Bub Hub does every day, getting the business off the ground was a real labour of love for Nyree and Anisah.

Here they share some key lessons they learned along the way, for anyone thinking of turning their entrepreneurial dreams into a reality.

The journey may not always be easy – but the challenges will help you grow Mum Bub Hub secured seed funding from Beyond Business, an initiative from Tower Hamlets

council, in the East End of London.

But it wasn’t always plain sailing...

“The process is gruelling!” Nyree admits, as she casts her mind back.

“Our idea was ripped apart in the first funding round, as the panel of experts really tried to drill down into what was unique about what we were offering. The questions asked during that process drove the development of our range.

Ultimately, it helped us grow.”

Bring your past experience into new projects While you may be embarking on the new and unknown, you will have transferable skills from your life and other professional experiences, as Nyree outlines.

“My background is in product development. I worked in the food industry, creating ready meals.

That means I have experience of starting with an idea, working it up into a concept, developing and

Image | Courtesy of Mum Bub Hub

N

ew business inspiration often comes from very personal life experiences.

Many of the hugely successful startups of the past five years (think Bamboo Bamboo, Positive Planner Journal, Fiit) were sparked by a reaction to a universal issue, need, or life circumstance.

This was certainly the case for the duo behind Mum Bub Hub, as their journey began when Nyree Adams gave a beautiful basket of products for postpartum care to her friend, Anisah Kee-Scott, who was pregnant for the first time.

Nyree’s loving gesture, born out of personal experience, prompted a candid conversation about the reality of childbirth, which led to their business idea. The two friends wanted to address the issue that women are often left in the dark when it comes to the physical impact of giving birth

stress special : work

For more expert career and entrepreneurial advice, head to lifecoach-direct ory. org.uk

Ready to take the leap?

Use these prompts to help you develop your plan.

What is your passion and purpose? What is driving you to start this business? Why are you passionate about it? Write this down and keep coming back to it.

What else is out there? Are people already doing what you are aiming to do? How could you do it differently? Spend some time researching and following social media accounts for inspiration.

Who can help you on your way?

Are there any online forums or webinars you could attend to grow your knowledge? A local business person who might share their experiences with you? Ask around.

refining, and then launching a product. These skills gave me a head start.”

Team work really does make the dream work If there’s more than one person in your start up, team dynamics and clear delineation of responsibilities from the outset is key, as Anisah explains.

“Luckily for us, working together came quite

naturally. Nyree’s forte is product development, I have a background in project management. We use our strengths accordingly.”

Keep evolving and adapting It’s important to take time to look back, see how far you’ve come.

And there will be learnings, as Anisah shares.

“If I could go back and meet myself when we were first

starting out, I’d probably say. ‘Scrap everything you’ve planned!’ With a new business you’re continually evolving. You can have plans, but they’re bound to change – and that’s OK.” Mum Bub Hub is a Community Interest Company, intent on bridging the gap in perinatal care for vulnerable and at-risk women, particularly in Black communities.

Find out more at mumbubhub.co.uk

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Photography | Natasha Kasim

“

Breath is the power behind all things…. I breathe in and know that good things will happen TAO PORCHON-LYNCH

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stress special : fitness

F i t

Stefanie Williams:

w i t h

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p u r p o s e

A quick scroll through fitness influencer Stefanie Williams’ Insta feed will leave you in no doubt of how dedicated she is to her passion. But behind the scenes, she’s faced an uphill battle to get to where she is today. Here, Stefanie tells of the injury that spurred her on to a soul-searching mission, her journey with endometriosis, and her determination to help others Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

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f you were to ask that question to my parents, they would say I’ve been running around and doing muscleman impressions since I was five years old!”

Stefanie Williams tells me, when I ask where it all began.

A fitness influencer and trainer with more than 1.4 million followers on Instagram, when Stefanie reflects on her journey so

far, a love of sport and fitness is front and centre.

“I’m not particularly academic, so I wouldn’t necessarily do that well in class, but on the sports field, that’s where I really excelled,” Stefanie explains. “I absolutely loved it, I was so happy, all I wanted to do was play sports!”

And her passion paid off when she was scouted for the Welsh

hockey team while she was still in school. It’s the kind of pressure and responsibility that could easily be intimidating, but Stefanie took it all in her stride and looks back fondly on the memories from that time.

But it all came to an unexpected end when she sustained an injury that meant she wasn’t able to continue playing with the team. >>>

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“I cracked my shin bone,” Stefanie says. “It was probably my fault to be fair. I dived, and the defender basically crushed me. When I stopped playing sports, it definitely had an impact on my mental health.

I totally lost my way. It was something that had been there my whole life, and something that I knew I was good at, and I was happy doing. You lose your way a bit when that’s taken away from you.”

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The injury forced Stefanie on to a path of self-discovery which, she notes, she may not have had the opportunity to do otherwise.

That said, it wasn’t easy, and Stefanie now sees her early 20s as a very challenging time.

“You try to conform and do what you’re expected to do,” she reflects. “But, actually, the most important thing is doing what makes you really happy, even if that might disappoint people, or it might not be exactly to plan.”

Following her heart is what led Stefanie to where she is today.

About five years ago, she did a fitness course, which sparked an idea. Why not combine her love of fitness with her passion for connecting with others? She set up her Instagram account, and things took off from there.

Quickly building a dedicated following, Stefanie wanted to pull back the curtain that often keeps people feeling in the dark when it comes to health and fitness, and to encourage a healthy attitude towards working out.

“People can be so focused on what they look like, without actually considering the impact on their body,” she continues. “I often see that women will use exercise as an act of punishment rather than listening to their

bodies and focusing on what it needs and how it feels.

“My endometriosis diagnosis made me appreciate how important it was to work with my body, not against it.”

It’s incredible what happens when women come together, it’s unstoppable A condition where tissue similar to the lining of the womb begins to grow in other places, such as the ovaries and fallopian tubes, endometriosis can cause intense, life-halting pain, fatigue, and can contribute to mental health problems. Diet and fitness can help ease the symptoms, but many people may need more support, and although it affects 1.5 million people in the UK for many, getting help is an uphill battle, on average taking seven and a half years from the start of symptoms to diagnosis.

“I went through such a long, tedious time to try to figure out what I had, and I was so frustrated,” Stefanie says. “It was a tough time for my mental

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and physical health, because I could hardly train. I remember filming some work out videos, and I was lying on the floor in the gym crying because I was so exhausted.”

Stefanie reached out to her GP but her experience was dismissed as bad period pains.

This attitude led her to suppress what she was feeling, but it got to the point where she was in so much pain, she knew she couldn’t go on.

“I did loads of research and found another gynaecologist who’s an expert in endo,” explains Stefanie, as she pinpoints the moment she was finally taken seriously, and was able to access the treatment she needed. “One in 10 women suffer from it, and it’s just so frustrating because it’s something that’s often cast aside.”

In an effort to raise awareness, Stefanie opened up about her experiences in an emotional video posted on her YouTube channel in 2018. The video reached thousands, and the comments were flooded with support and others sharing their own experiences – some even thanking Stefanie for prompting them to reach out to a professional, and getting them the diagnosis they needed.

“I also teamed up with the Endometriosis UK, and I put on an event. We all got together and it was...” Stefanie pauses. “I cried, we were all crying at points. It was amazing, you couldn’t stop people from talking. They were saying, ‘Have you got this?’, ‘What do you do for that?’

“It’s incredible what happens when women come together, it’s unstoppable,” Stefanie says.

“I’ve seen that it can have such a positive impact, sharing something that you might feel really vulnerable about. Because if you feel like that, you can bet that hundreds of other women are going to be feeling that too.”

Despite all she has faced, Stefanie’s positivity and her

passion for lifting others is palpable, even down the phone line. When I ask her, as we come to the end of our interview, where this strength comes from, she takes a moment to consider.

“I think it comes from learning to really look after myself,” she says. “You’ve just got to take each day as it comes. I’ve also got such an incredible community, which I’m proud of, because it’s these women who are on this journey with me. It’s important to be as positive as you can, that’s what keeps me going.”

Follow Stefanie, @Stef_Fit, and discover more about her health and fitness app GLOW at weglow.com

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Is your relationship caring or controlling?

Do you feel confident that you would be able to spot the signs of a controlling relationship? With these expert tips, discover how you can build awareness of the the red flags that could warn of sinister intentions hiding behind seemingly caring actions

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Writing | Kamalyn Kaur

our partner constantly calling, wanting to spend all their time with you, showing a preference for what you wear, and needing to know your whereabouts, could all be because they genuinely care

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Illustrating | Rosan Magar

about your wellbeing and safety.

Alternatively, it could be their way of controlling you.

There’s a fine line between caring and controlling behaviour, and when I interviewed 200 therapy clients experiencing relationship issues, 89% stated

that they wouldn’t be able to identify the difference between the two. When it comes to the matters of the heart, our judgement is often clouded. With that in mind, here are five tips to help identify if your relationship is caring or controlling.

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Focus on your feelings A controlling relationship will leave you feeling unhappy, unsettled, anxious, tense, and overwhelmed. These feelings are your compass in life, alerting you that something isn’t right. If you feel like this in your relationship, take some time away from your partner to focus on how your feelings change. If you’re happier and healthier, ask yourself what is creating these uncomfortable feelings, and what changes you need to consider making.

Think rationally In a relationship, we’re emotionally involved, making our thinking irrational. This can cause confusion, and take away clarity from a situation.

Thinking rationally helps you to put things into context, and then take the next logical steps. Next time your partner says or does something that upsets you, think about someone you are close to.

Ask yourself, if they were being treated in this way, what advice would I give to this person?

Consider taking your own advice.

Pay attention to actions Actions speak louder than words.

Stop concentrating on what your partner is saying, and start focusing on their actions. In a caring relationship, your partner

will take into consideration your feelings, views, and opinions.

How often does that happen in your relationship? Who makes the majority of the decisions?

Relationship red flags • Regularly feeling anxious, tense, or on-edge around your partner • Doing things that make you uncomfortable, just to make them happy • Lack of trust between you both • Isolating you from loved ones • Unbalanced relationship – their feelings and wants are always put first

To make the relationship more balanced, speak to your partner about wanting to be more involved in decision-making. If your partner cares, they will be on board with this. If they are controlling, they may be resistant.

Connect with family and friends Divide and rule; cutting you off from loved ones is a typical abusive tactic used to control someone. You might have been led to believe that your family and friends are not good for you, or that you shouldn’t be spending

so much time with them. Ask yourself, how accurate is this?

Do you enjoy spending time with them? If yes, then start reconnecting with those people you’ve lost touch with. If your partner isn’t supportive, and gets angry or irritated with your decision, this could be a sign of controlling behaviour.

Spot unrealistic expectations In a caring relationship, it’s normal to do things that make both individuals happy. If you find yourself feeling under pressure to do something as a result of your partner or relationship, this could be a red flag. Before you engage in an activity, ask whether you’re doing it because you want to, or because you feel you should be doing it. If your partner prevents, criticises, or judges you for doing what you want to do, then this is sign it’s not a caring relationship.

Happiness is not a privilege – you are allowed and deserve to be happy. If your reason for unhappiness is your relationship, then this needs to be addressed so you can start to feel happier, healthier, and stress-free.

Kamalyn is a counsellor, coach and author of ‘How to Take Control of a Controlling Relationship’.

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Save on an annual subscription using code HAPPINOV at shop.happiful.com Excludes postage and packaging. Prices and benefits are correct at the time of printing, using code HAPPINOV, which expires on 16 November 2020. For full terms and conditions, please visit happiful.com

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Happiful reads...

From finding your place to fixing your lifestyle, we share four upcoming books you won’t want to miss Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford

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n her debut book, PalestinianAmerican author Zaina Arafat explores the fantasies and desires of a young woman caught between cultural, religious, and sexual identities. Set between the US and Middle East, You Exist Too Much is a coming-of-age story with love, identity, and desire set against a backdrop of traditional values and views.

Told through a series of brief, evocative encounters, we follow her journey from living with her first serious girlfriend and her

struggles to feel content with their comfortable relationship, through her explosion of romantic encounters and obsessions. Flashing between her time in New York and Jordan, Lebanon and Palestine, readers follow her progression from blushing teen to aspiring writer and sought-after DJ, all the way through to an unconventional treatment centre.

Navigating queerness, bisexuality, love, and addiction, this captivating story takes readers

You Exist Too Much by Zaina Arafat Out 19 November

on a journey to find two of the things we all long for the most: love, and a place we can call home.

If you’re looking for a captivating, first-person read, this really is one you don’t to want to miss.

Must reads Heal Your relationship with Food by Juliet Rosewall, Amy Chisholm and Maureen Moerbeck Out now Whether we realise it or not, many of us have an unhealthy relationship with food. Written by two clinical psychologists and a dietitian, this book offers practical advice, clear steps, and effective strategies, to help you think differently, overcome problems, and give readers the tools needed to develop a healthier, more sustainable relationship with what we eat.

Arthur Wants a Balloon

by Elizabeth Gilbert Bedia, illustrated by Erika Meza

Out 22 October Beautifully illustrated and sensitively written, Arthur Wants a Balloon tackles a tough subject: parental depression.

Created for children aged two to five, Arthur’s story shows how even the youngest members of our families have the ability to help and support us through our darkest times. If you’re looking for a conversation starter for young children about mental health, this is the book for you.

She Believed She Could So She Did

by Sam Lacey Out now Packed full of useful tips, positive affirmations, and bite-sized, inspirational biographies of women who have made a difference, this modern woman’s guide to life celebrates female strength and courage.

No matter where you are right now, this book can help you with overcoming the cynics and critics, seizing exciting new opportunities, and starting to live a life that you’ll love.

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Renters’ shame Home ownership is considered the holy grail for many, but those of us who choose to rent instead have no need to feel guilty Writing | Kat Nicholls

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ecently my partner and I celebrated signing our tenancy agreement, meaning we can stay in our rented flat for another 18 months. We’ve been here for 18 months already, and love the home we’ve made for ourselves.

Both in our early 30s, being so settled in rented accommodation feels a little controversial. Many

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of our friends are on their second houses, upsizing to make room for kids, and spending weekends doing DIY. Conversations about house prices pass us by and, in all honesty, it can feel alienating.

There is a distinct pressure from both society and our families to get on the property ladder. And while this is something we would like to do one day, it’s hard not to

feel rushed and even ashamed of the fact that we still rent.

It turns out, we’re not alone. An Instagram post from @howirent_, run by home-improvement blogger and proud renter Medina Grillo, brought up the subject of renter’s shame. More than 100 people commented, sharing their experiences, and why they love to rent despite the pressure to own.

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So, why do we still feel ashamed to rent?

Illustrations | @frimages

Not being able to put your own stamp on your home can feel restrictive Looking at recent statistics from the Property Reporter website, more of us are opting to rent than buy. According to the survey, almost one in four Brits don’t want to continue investing in property, regardless of where they are on the ladder. Of those surveyed, 24% said finances are holding them back from investing, while more than one in 10 Baby Boomers say they’ve sold up and have no plans to buy again, thanks to the freedom and flexibility offered by renting.

And with the economical impact of the current pandemic, saving for a house deposit isn’t an option for a lot of people right now – with restricted incomes due to furlough or redundancies.

Additionally, the number of mortgage lenders has drastically declined, and while pre-Covid first time buyers could use a 5% deposit, the majority of deals now require 10–15%.

Blogger Medina Grillo tells me: “Getting on to the property ladder in this country is everything. It’s seen as a sort of rite of passage to a higher status in life.

A sign of success.

It’s also a natural expectation, once Everyone’s financial and personal you’ve found yourself situations are different. No one starts on the same level playing field when it a decent-paying job comes to buying a house and a forever partner.

And that expectation can come from different sources – parents, grandparents, friends, and even social media.” to you, you still think: ‘Wow, I Medina makes an excellent wish I had my own home too.’” point about social media It’s true. With rental properties, contributing to the pressure interior design often comes with to own. With visual platforms restrictions and caveats from such as Instagram and Pinterest your landlord. Not being able packed with interior design to put your own stamp on your inspiration, it’s hard not to home can feel restrictive, and compare. makes it difficult for you to relate “We are now getting insight to others. into other people’s lives 24 hours But the argument I hear most in a day,” says Medina. “When you the renter vs homeowner debate think ‘home’, you automatically is the financial implications. I’m think of interior design. You told I’m ‘throwing money away’. follow these accounts and see Home ownership is considered most of them own their homes an investment, renting is seen as and are renovating. And even frivolous. >>> though that content doesn’t relate

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And while I don’t disagree that owning property is an investment, I do disagree that renting is frivolous. For many of us, the possibility of buying in the town we rent in is simply not feasible financially. We pay for the location, the lifestyle, and the ability to easily pack up and move.

How can we overcome renter’s shame?

When I ask Medina this question, she tells me how important it is to go easy on ourselves, and not compare.

“Everyone’s financial and personal situations are different.

No one starts on the same level playing field when it comes to buying a house.”

She says that in many countries, renting is the norm, and focusing on what you’re achieving is key.

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“You are able to pay for a roof over your head, month after month! You are pouring love into a property that isn’t yours because you recognise the power that having a beautiful home has on your mind.”

The impact that living somewhere you love has on wellbeing shouldn’t be underestimated. Researchers from Stirling University, Scotland, in partnership with Dr Lisa Garnham from the Glasgow Centre for Population Health, found that feeling at home in a rented property can result in reduced health inequalities.

Perhaps embracing the benefits of renting is another way we can shake off any shame we may feel as renters. Medina explains that one of the biggest benefits is not having to spend money on

expensive repairs like plumbing.

Another benefit, she says, is the flexibility it offers.

“Just think, you have the freedom to live in any area or country that you choose.

Sometimes it’s difficult to buy a house in your dream location, so in those cases it might be easier to rent. This helps a lot if you are looking to get your child into a certain school, for example.

“And if you don’t like the area (or the house you’ve chosen) you can always move! I had a really bad experience with one of my neighbours in my last rented home, so being able to relocate was a blessing!”

Making a rented house a home

While there can be challenges and restrictions when it comes

stress special : finance

One in 10 Baby Boomers say they’ve sold up and have no plans to buy again

24% said finances are holding them back from investing

You are pouring love into a property that isn’t yours because you recognise the power having a beautiful home can have on your mind to decorating a rented space, this doesn’t mean you can’t get creative. Speaking to your landlord first about what’s OK, and what’s not, should be a priority – some are perfectly fine with you painting, for example, as long as you repaint back to the original colour before you leave.

Medina’s top DIY tips for renters: Medina’s book, Home Sweet Rented Home, is full of advice for renters who want to inject their personal style into their space. Here are her top tips to get started.

1. Replace kitchen cabinet handles or knobs with more stylish ones.

2. Use contact adhesive strips to hang picture frames (or other decorative items, like hats or baskets) on the wall without worrying about damage.

3. Buy large rugs to cover flooring you want to hide. Patterned rugs are great for adding colour and drama to a bare room.

My partner and I love our lifestyle, and the flexibility renting offers. Our home is certainly not perfect, and there are times when I wish I owned my own place – usually when I’m frantically texting my landlord about our leaky tap.

But, at the end of the day, renting is working for us. And, truthfully? We simply cannot afford to buy a house, and we won’t be pressured into making any big financial investments until we’re ready. Now, someone please pass me the adhesive strips…

For more rental home design inspiration, follow Medina’s personal account on Instagram @grillodesigns and her video home tours account, @howirent_

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“

You don't always need a plan.

Sometimes you just need to breathe, trust, let go and see what happens MANDY HALE

Photography | Kevin Laminto

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The Crystal King Breaking free from the life expected of him allowed Lui Krieg to have a personal transformation, and discover his passion for helping others through holistic healing Writing | Lui Krieg

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y story is a tale of personal liberation, which led me on a journey to all corners of the earth, where I gathered the knowledge and spiritual skills that have earned me the title of ‘the Crystal King’.

I was born in Germany 60 years ago, where I grew up in humble surroundings. I had my first contact with music when I learned to play the trumpet, and was in a German folk music band.

I also sang in the church choir, and realised at a young age that the voice is the most amazing of all instruments. I felt the joy of singing together, and still do today – a lot of my spiritual practice involves singing and chanting, as it soothes the soul and brings harmony.

After school I trained as an electronic engineer, and then at 19 I decided it was time to leave my small town in the search of new adventures.

I moved to Berlin, which was a melting pot for revolutionary new ideas, ways of thinking, and living. I immersed myself in these new surroundings, and read books by Hermann Hesse and other spiritual authors. I soon realised that there was another reality out there, and the values that I was brought up with were limited.

I had grown up in a hard, working class environment, where it was expected that you followed a precise path – get your education, find a job, get married, get a home, have kids, work hard, then retire. I had a strong sense that this was not for me. I felt a sense of adventure – I was ready to dive into the unknown.

After working for Siemens for three years in a rigid, corporate environment, I made a lifechanging decision. I could visualise a different life for myself – one that was more fulfilling because I was deciding my own future – a spiritual, more meaningful one. I was ready to risk everything for the chance. I quit my job, and bought a one-way ticket to Singapore. I opened a new chapter in my life, travelling to beautiful beaches in south-east Asia, to the Himalayas in India, Uluru in Australia, and Machu Picchu in South America.

I returned home two and a half years later to visit my family in Germany as a changed man.

My travels had opened my eyes and heart to a completely new world, full of opportunities and adventures. I discovered yoga, meditation, the power of nature, and different approaches to religion and spirituality. A new man was born. >>>

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To hear Lui Krieg & The Alchemysts of Sound, visit alchemystsofsound.com

I didn’t stay long in Germany, and started backpacking all around the world, visiting sacred ancient sites and powerful places. I felt liberated having discovered the magic of living in the moment. I studied with wise men, shamans, and gurus from all around the world, however my greatest teacher remains nature.

On this journey, I found two tools that would reshape my life – the magic of crystals, and sacred sound. The unity of these two elements, which I perceive to be fundamental to life, allowed me and others to find the centre of their spirituality. They allow a path to inner focus and contemplation. I decided to dedicate my life to promoting these two ancient healing modalities.

It was an enormous cultural change for me – a transitional journey opening me up and allowing me to grow into a new self. Eventually my travels brought me to the Glastonbury Festival, and a major turning point in my life. I was with my partner Tessa, and our son Kai, with only a campervan to our name. We didn’t have tickets, but I was told to show Michael Eavis my crystal wands.

He invited us in, and it was this act of kindness from a stranger that set me on the road to success – we went on to sell my crystals at the festival. I had a profound realisation that I was coming home.

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I realised my crystal tools and jewellery designs were becoming more and more popular with not just visitors, but also healers and lightworkers, and were helping so many people. So we decided to open our crystal shop, ‘Stone Age’, right in the heart of Glastonbury.

I felt liberated having discovered the magic of living in the moment During difficult times, I realised how important friends were, and 10 years ago I met my now best friend and music producer, Paul Foss. We shared a passion for music, and through this strength we created the Alchemysts of Sound, and have since released a series of meditation and healing CDs. This led me to many exciting discoveries, including a healing treatment called “The Crystal Sound Activation” based on the magic of minerals combined with the powerful effect that

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Holistic healing practices have transformed Lui’s life

sacred sound has on the mind, body, and spirit, and enabled me to set up the ‘Crystal Sound Academy’, approved and accredited by the UK Complementary Medicine Association.

During these 20 years of working with crystals and sound as a therapist, and lecturing around the world, I gained experience in treating all kinds of ailments, whether physical, emotional, or mental. I have helped many clients by getting them to work with the right minerals and sacred sounds, to help them transform their lives.

Beneficial meditation with crystals and therapeutic relaxation music has been even more important to me during the recent pandemic.

Crystals work on multiple levels, and once people connect to their spiritual selves, I believe they’ll become more health conscious, and will interact with their environment in a different way.

I’ve been practising yoga and meditation for more than 40 years, and this has proven to relax and strengthen the mind. This continuous practise has helped me to harmonise all aspects of my life, and I am now living a healthy and happy existence.

I have learned so much during my life, and feel honoured to have the power of crystals and sound around me. I have learnt to do things differently, to challenge the norm, to breathe consciously, to keep addictions under control. I learned to never say “I can’t do this” or “I’m too old for that”, surprise yourself, stop thinking you are not good enough, bring crystals into your life, start meditation. Dance is an important spiritual tool, as is being kind to yourself and others. Ultimately, the more you give the more you receive, and the more you start loving yourself, and the world around you, the more you’ll enjoy life.

OUR EXPERT SAYS Lui’s path to personal happiness is adventurous and unique. He found that there was a world beyond the obvious, and shared his discoveries to help others.

The idea of heading off to far flung lands might be something only dreams are made of at the moment. However, we can still connect,

make discoveries and push boundaries – we just need to find new ways of doing so. As Lui found, loving ourselves, and sharing kindness and respect might help us to brighter times!

Rachel Coffey | BA MA NLP Mstr Life coach

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Yo g a i s f o r e v e r y b o d y !

Yoga has a wealth of wellbeing benefits – and the best part is every single one of us can get involved, regardless of our shape, size, age, colour, or gender Writing | Donna Noble

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H

Photography | Urban Decay Visuals

ave you ever seen the photo of Madonna with her leg behind her head in Eka Pada Sirsasana?

This was where my yoga journey began in the late 1990s, after a colleague saw the picture and suggested we give yoga a try. I said yes, and we were fortunate enough to have a colleague who was completing her yoga teacher training, and so we became her guinea pigs… oops, sorry, I mean students. It was wonderful to experience the different styles of yoga until I found ones that resonated with me, as I established a regular practice.

Although I had been practising yoga for a long time, I found my true passion for it was ignited when it allowed me to heal from the trauma of Bell’s Palsy. I woke up one day to discover that the right side of my face had become paralysed; the condition was dormant for five years, but it was a combination of yoga and acupuncture that allowed me to get stronger, both mentally and physically. Seeing how my body started to recover organically, I wanted to share how this amazing science was allowing me to realise my body’s true potential.

I believe now that this is where my journey of self-acceptance and self-love started – allowing me to love my body for all the wonderful things it does for me even when I don’t appreciate it. I would often find peace on my yoga mat, discovering that

everything I needed was already inside me – creating that mindbody connection and listening to my body.

As well as showing me how to enjoy life and change all the societal norms that had become indoctrinated, I began to go with the flow and live my life from the inside out. I left the corporate life behind to embrace yoga full-time.

On reflection, I had a diverse introduction to yoga because my initial teachers were teachers of colour. It was only years later that I was to discover that this

Yoga is for everybody.

This simple, but true, statement sums up the great practice of yoga; it makes no judgments about size, ability, gender, or race. Yes, it’s a wonderfully inclusive phrase, but goes deeper than that – it actually brings about transition, and brings you back home to who you truly are.

There is some definite change in the industry, and it’s great to see that this perception of yoga is now being challenged by so many inspiring yogis. Take a look at the images coming through on

From healing and calming, to empowering and strengthening, even when you don’t know what you’re looking for, yoga is there to help you would change, the more popular and commercialised that yoga became. The poster girl image of yoga is slim, young, white, and in an advanced pose, even though yoga actually started in India thousands of years ago. We’ve Westernised yoga, and with it, forgotten its roots.

I believe that every body is a yoga body – regardless of size, age, colour, or gender. I can’t say that I have seen much of this encouragement in the media or yoga classes. Instead, I see people being put off before they’ve even ventured on to the mat, because they think it’s not for them.

Instagram of wonderful women such as Dianne Bondy, Dana Falsetti, and Jessamyn Stanley.

Why would you practise something if you don’t see someone that looks like you doing it? This is the core issue we’re finding; students are being put off and, in turn, missing so many wonderful benefits of yoga.

From healing and calming, to empowering and strengthening, even when you don’t know what you’re looking for, yoga is there to help you with stress, mental health issues, and anxiety. Now, more than ever, this is a support system that we need. >>>

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Donna Noble is a yoga teacher, intuitive wellness coach, diversity advocate, and founder of Curvesomeyoga. Follow her online @donnanobleyoga

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Get started with yoga

The fact that yoga has been practised for thousands of years allows you to understand why its popularity has grown exponentially. In the simplest terms, yoga works.

Yoga isn’t a ‘one-size-fits-all’ approach. It really can be adapted to all body types. There is a basic outline and alignment for each posture, but it’s also about listening to your own body, and adjusting for it without judgment, bringing about self-acceptance and self-love. Yoga allows you to be flexible both in the mind and body, accepting the body that you have on the mat at that moment in time.

“Yoga takes you by the scruff of the neck and takes you on a journey, whether you like it or not,” yoga teacher Vanda Scaravelli once said.

I set up Curvesomeyoga to live by the mantra that yoga is for everybody. If you’re keen to give it a try but aren’t sure where to start, to the right are my five starter positions, and search for the Curvesomeyoga Beginners’ Body Positive video on YouTube.

We also have the Curvesomeyoga Complete Beginners Body Positive Yoga classes, which run online every week. Find out more at thenobleartofyoga.co.uk. Don’t forget to follow @Curvesomeyoga on Instagram too, where I am always sharing body positive messages about yoga and wellbeing.

1 CHILD’S POSE Start on all fours, bring your big toes together, let your knees slide out to the sides as far as is comfortable for you, and ease your hips back over your heels with your arms extended. Give yourself a bit more space here by placing a block or blanket under your forehead. Close your eyes and breathe deeply.

2 CAT COW POSE Come to your hands and knees, bringing your shoulders over your wrists, and your hips over your knees. On an inhale breath, arch your spine moving your heart forward and up, and let your gaze follow. On an exhale, round your spine like an angry cat, pushing the floor away with both hands, gently lifting your navel toward your spine and letting your gaze follow.

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3 DOWNWARD DOG As you exhale, tuck your toes under to lift back into downward dog. If you are new, bend both knees deeply and work on keeping your hips lifted while pushing the floor away evenly through both palms.

Breathe deeply as you hold for 4–5 breaths.

Then, walking your feet towards your hands, coming into a natural forward fold before slowing rolling up to standing.

4 MOUNTAIN POSE With your feet together or hip-width apart, inhale and reach your arms skyward, externally rotating your upper arms as you stretch up. On an exhale, bring your hands to your heart centre with your palms together. Take a moment to stand here with your eyes closed and shoulders relaxed, breathing deeply for 4–5 breaths.

When you are ready, come down to lie on your back.

5 HAPPY BABY POSE Open your knees slightly wider than your torso, then bring them up toward your armpits. Each ankle should be directly over the knees, so your shins are perpendicular to the floor. Flex through the heels. Gently push your feet up into your hands (or the belts) as you pull your hands down to create a resistance. Breathe deeply as you hold for 4–5 breaths. You can also gently roll from side to side if you wish to massage the lower back.

Then release the feet and extend the legs for the final relaxation.

6 SAVASANA Lie on your back with your legs straight and arms relaxed at your sides, taking up as much space as you like. Close your eyes and breathe naturally.

Allow your body to feel heavy on the ground. Relax and gently release each part of your body; working from the soles of your feet to the crown of your head.

Stay here for as long as you like.

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The power of po tte ring Unlock the full potential of the wellness trend that you’re probably already doing – without even realising it Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

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‘

ottering’, it’s a word that almost speaks for itself. For me, it conjures up images of slow-paced, menial, homey tasks completed one after the other – a gentle shift down the todo list, moving without urgency or compulsion. I think of days spent at home, clearing up the garden, sorting through a pile of paperwork, and then a walk to the shops for some lunchtime essentials. And it seems that

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author Anna McGovern and I are on the same page, as she explores the surprising power of this everyday practice in her book, Pottering: A Cure for Modern Life.

For Anna, ‘pottering’ can be defined as an unplanned, slightly unnecessary activity from which you derive tiny bursts of pleasure. “Often it means spontaneously occupying oneself with something inconsequential: looking out a

window, rearranging pencils in a pot, or filling up a bird feeder,” explains Anna. “Sometimes one’s pottering takes a domestic turn: oiling a hinge, sweeping a floor, rearranging a cupboard. At other times, pottering takes you out of the home – down to the shops or popping by a neighbour’s.”

Over the past year, a lot of us have been taking a closer look at our everyday lives, and the things within our homes and

Illustrations | Charlotte Ager

stress special : de-stress

Five pottering activities to try at home • Light cleaning • Clearing out your household’s ‘messy draw’ • People watching out the window • Running an errand to a local shop • Digital cleaning – tidy up your computer files

local areas. Lockdown has come with immense challenges, which can’t be overlooked, but it also prompted us to assess the pace of our lives, and ‘pottering’ through the days is something that many of us will now be familiar with.

But did you know that this simple state of mind could have real wellness benefits?

A study published in the journal Mindfulness found that completing homey tasks, like washing up, can lead to a 27% reduction in nervousness. And that makes sense because, sometimes, the thing that we

need to do most for our mental health is, well, as little as possible. It’s about completing simple tasks that make us feel productive and in control – things that are low-pressure, that we can do without expending too much of our mental or physical energy.

Anna first discovered the power of pottering at a stage in her life where she was feeling overwhelmed, bored, and caught in a cycle of catastrophising. She felt that she had overcommitted herself on too many fronts, and that her time no longer belonged to her. The step she took to address her problems? Booking off one day a week to dedicate to pottering.

“I like that, when I’m pottering, I’m not rushing and can go at my own pace, whether I potter for a moment, or a couple of hours,” says Anna. “Simultaneously these two things are true: everyone's an expert potterer and no one is an expert potterer. You can do it frequently but you cannot do it well. There is no benchmark for success, and so no one can judge your performance when you potter. That can be very liberating. When I booked a day off, I felt the difference after six weeks. It isn’t thrilling, but it was restful and I looked forward to having time that was my own.”

And that’s what, at its core, pottering should be about. It’s a break for your mind, while you still make those small steps forward. When you think about it, you’re probably already pottering in your own life – we all do it, simply because there are tasks that need to be done.

But the difference between that and what Anna does is in the intention. You are setting time to work through things in a lowstakes way. You’re simultaneously switching off and valuing and planning your time productively – both in terms of ordering your space and also by prioritising those everyday, little wins.

When things feel tough, or overwhelming, as they often can do with everything that’s going on in the world, it can help to go back to basics. And there’s simple, soothing joy to be found in the art of pottering.

‘Pottering: A cure for Modern Life’

by Anna McGovern is out now (Laurence King Publishing, £12.99).

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Make your voice heard Learn how to beat public speaking nerves, and engage your audience Writing | Ros Knowles

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peaking in public is one of the most common fears people have, whether it’s presenting to a small group of people or contributing in a large meeting. Some people find enough confidence to get through it, but others may experience glossophobia – a fear of public speaking. This phobia results in a feeling of intense anxiety, and creates the fight, flight, or freeze response, meaning that all sensible thought disappears and our memory freezes, too.

If we’re anxious, it’s difficult to think clearly, focus, and to remember – three things that are essential if we are to deliver a talk, or speech to any group of people.

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Illustrating | Rosan Magar

Luckily, there are things we can do to get ourselves into the ‘conscious mind’, the confident part of our brain, where we can relax and focus clearly on what we have to do. Here are some tips to help you speak up with confidence.

mind. Make sure you’re familiar with any technical equipment you may need to use – screen sharing apps, digital whiteboards, and presentation programmes, for example – and be there in good time to set up, so you can relax knowing all is ready.

PLAN Begin by planning what you want to say. Decide how long it needs to be, and what visual aids you might need. If you’re reporting on important statistics, would a graph be helpful? What information does your audience need? It’s a good idea to write your thoughts down, as this helps fix the information into your

PRACTISE Fear can stem from worrying about what others will think of us, that we might make a mistake, or we could forget what we wanted to say, and that it might not be good enough. Practise it in front of a few friends and family, so you get familiar with your speech or talking points, and you will grow in confidence as you

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When you are confident it will be easier to relax and engage with your audience

feel in control. When you are confident it will be easier to relax and engage with your audience as well. Time your talk so you get the flow right, and remember not to speak too quickly – a slower pace is easier for the audience to take it all in.

RELAX We think clearly when we are relaxed and calm, so take a few slow, deep breaths. This reduces anxiety, and takes us into the part of our brain that is logical and in control. Our brain believes what

we tell it, so give it a positive message such as “I can do this,” “I am fine,” “This will go well,” “I know I can.” Stand or sit up straight, and know that you have done enough preparation to be confident. Imagine yourself doing this talk with great success, and your brain will believe you!

SMILE The worst bit for people is usually the few minutes before the talk, so take some time to be still and focus on being calm, slow your breathing, and smile as you begin. Even just the act of smiling will help you produce serotonin – the feel-good hormone that keeps you in your conscious mind, which is the logical, calm bit. This will counteract anxiety, and your audience may well smile back at you! If you know someone friendly in the room, try to focus on them from time to time, looking them in the eye to connect with them.

ENGAGE Wherever you can, engage others by asking questions – or inviting them to share ideas – so that the attention is not always on you. This will give you some thinking time, and space to breathe! It also makes the meeting more interesting for everyone else. A win-win!

The key things to remember are: plan, practise, relax, smile, and engage. Say, “I can do it!”

Because you can. Good luck!

Ros Knowles is a clinical hypnotherapist practising solution focused hypnotherapy, helping people to make positive changes in their lives. Find her on hypnotherapy-directory.org.uk

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Hiding in plain sight:

self-medicating for our mental health After a long day, you might crave a glass of wine – it helps you relax, right? Wrong – in fact booze can have a negative impact on our mental wellbeing. It’s time to expose the myths we use to justify our national love affair with alcohol Writing | Katie Conibear

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any of us enjoy a drink to unwind at the end of a hectic day. We might use some liquid courage at a party, or in a new situation. However, when drinking, or any substance use, masks an underlying problem, it can be habit-forming.

People often ‘self-medicate’ to help them sleep, feel better, or deal with difficult feelings. Alcohol can alleviate negative thoughts, anxiety, and other symptoms of mental illness – but it’s only a temporary fix. It’s like putting a plaster over a cut that needs stitches; it’s not going to last.

Andy Ryan, psychotherapist, and head of recovery services at the charity Changing Lives, says: “Alcohol has been described as ‘the UK’s favourite coping mechanism’, and many of us drink to help manage stress, anxiety, and depression – despite the fact that alcohol can aggravate depression, and negatively impact your mental wellbeing.”

Drinking is ingrained in our culture, so it’s difficult to avoid.

Our social lives typically revolve around going to bars, pubs, and restaurants, so no wonder our friends and family often don’t

realise we’re self-medicating, or having a difficult time. Even during the pandemic, Zoom pub quizzes and catch-ups have often been punctuated by a good tiple to lift our spirits. And on the flip side, if we’re feeling isolated and lonely, it can be easy to fall into the trap of drinking too much.

“Many people talk about how they link alcohol with feeling relaxed and more confident,” Andy Ryan explains, “and this myth has contributed to our nation’s unhealthy relationship with alcohol. In fact, the change in our emotional state as we drink alcohol is desensitising,

Illustration | Shutterstock: ivector

stress special : emotions

and feeling less – not more. This is why people sometimes feel shame for what occurred while under the influence of alcohol.

“In recovery programmes, we often ask: ‘What was drinking doing for you that you could not do for yourself or with others?’

This question frames the bigger picture: when people feel like they can no longer cope, don’t seem to have the answers, feel unable to connect, and don’t believe they have the capacity

within themselves, they begin to look externally for a solution, to help meet the world and regulate their emotional state.”

From my own experience, I went through a stage of drinking every day. I was masking symptoms of mental illness with alcohol, and using it as a coping mechanism. I didn’t want to face up to my own condition, bipolar disorder, and how it made me feel. With mania, my impulses took over, and I would binge

drink. When I was depressed and anxious, I would drink to feel better, to silence the negative thoughts, and to be more sociable.

I was covering up the cracks, but not working on mending them. Instead of making me feel better, alcohol would leave me feeling even more depressed and anxious the next day. I realised that the pay off – numbing the emotional pain for an evening – was just not worth it. >>>

I was covering up the cracks, but not working on mending them. Instead of making me feel better, alcohol would leave me feeling even more depressed and anxious the next day

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Sober living

Our social lives revolve around going to bars, pubs, and restaurants, so no wonder our friends and family often don't realise we’re self-medicating, or having a difficult time I managed to cut back on my drinking by creating my own ‘rulebook’ – which includes never drinking alone or at home. This means I’ll only drink when I’m out with friends or family. I’ll keep to a maximum amount of alcohol, and then switch to soft drinks. It took discipline, but I now feel mentally healthier.

Healthy coping mechanisms you can adopt instead There are warning signs to watch for: drinking alone, binge drinking, and relying on alcohol when stressed, depressed, or having intrusive thoughts.

Psychotherapist Andy Ryan says: “If you find yourself turning to alcohol, can you pay attention to your regulation, resilience, dissociation, and desensitisation?

You can also try to identify other sources of support to turn to, instead of alcohol. For example, #TimeToTalk on Twitter is a great initiative, and beginning to talk about your concerns with trusted friends helps. Or if you’re further down the road of dependency, then reach out to your GP, or a treatment provider in your local authority, for support and advice.

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“Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) can also help you review and reframe your behaviour, and there are some great apps to help motivate change and raise awareness,” says Andy.

Dependency on alcohol and other substances often masks a bigger problem. Therapy can help address these underlying issues, and help you to move forward. Realising that you’re using substances to cope with your current circumstances, past events, or mental health problems, is an important step.

You might decide to limit your drinking, or even give up entirely.

There is a growing number of people who have turned to sobriety. Recently, I sent out a simple Tweet, explaining I was thinking of giving up drinking, and I was inundated with messages of support!

Make sure you’re not alone, and let people close to you know you’re limiting or giving up entirely – and why. The ‘why’ is important, because it can be turned into a positive. You’re giving something up so you can be a happier, healthier, more positive version of yourself.

Here are a few tips if you’re thinking of going sober or reducing your alcohol intake, plus ideas to help keep you on track!

• At first, try cutting down your intake, instead of giving up entirely. Going cold turkey makes it more difficult to give up in the long-term.

• If you want to continue drinking, use cash to limit the amount of drink you can buy, or change to a card with a spending limit.

• Don’t punish yourself for slipping up – it doesn’t mean you have to fall back into old habits.

• Come up with your own signature, go-to, nonalcoholic drink when you’re out. It can make you feel like you’re joining in, and allowing yourself a treat.

• It’s also an opportunity to explore new hobbies and interests. Joining book groups, hobby clubs, having game nights with your friends, can all show you there’s more to socialising than just drinking.

stress special : health

The day I’ll never remember… or forget In the midst of the Covid-19 pandemic, and while dealing with a stressful family crisis, Keith’s brain decided to take a short break. When it switched itself back on, he needed to find out what had happened…

Writing | Keith Howitt

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seem to wake with a start. But I’m sure I haven’t been asleep, so I’m confused and scared.

It’s sunny outside, the clock says it’s the middle of the afternoon, and I’m sitting at the kitchen table. And I have absolutely no idea how I got here. Then everything goes blank. >>>

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More than 50 years after its initial description, TGA remains one of the most enigmatic syndromes in clinical neurology

Gradually, like a new scene opening in a movie, my wife and two step-daughters appear around me. I can’t work out what we’re doing. But then the screen fades out again.

The next scene begins, full of action. In the kitchen there are now two men dressed in green uniforms, wearing face masks.

They are asking me questions and are attaching electrodes to my chest.

Slowly, things start to make a little sense again. I recognise my family. I remember the dog is called Lilly. I’m asked to write my name on a piece of paper, and I can.

The paramedics say they are taking me to hospital. Because of the pandemic, no one from the family can travel with me so they follow in the car.

In the ambulance, I’m asked lots of questions, and I can answer most of them. Oddly, I feel physically OK. There remains just one major problem – the missing time, possibly just 15 or 20 minutes, where I have no idea what happened, and no recollection of what I did.

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At the hospital everyone is, as expected, amazingly kind and professional. A stream of nurses carry out tests, and a young A&E doctor gives me a thorough once-over.

Finally, after three hours, the doctor tells me they can find nothing wrong. All my test results are fine. My episode is put down to something called transient global amnesia (TGA) and I am free to leave.

I’ve been keeping my family in the loop via text, and now it’s confirmed: I haven’t had a stroke, I haven’t got a brain tumour, all my vital signs are good. We go home.

But what on earth is TGA? And why have I, a journalist for more than 40 years, never even heard of it?

What is TGA? Transient Global Amnesia is where, for a short period of time, you cannot form new memories (called anterograde amnesia) and have difficulty recalling recent memories (retrograde amnesia), but you appear otherwise mentally alert and lucid.

Transient means ‘passing’, and an episode of TGA rarely lasts more than few hours. My own event, as far as we can tell, lasted no more than 15–20 minutes.

I spoke to neuroscientist and author Dr Dean Burnett, who explained: “The formation of our memories is an on-going production line, and it’s a very demanding, and delicate system. We are not supposed to ever stop making memories.”

During an episode of TGA, sufferers will often ask the same questions repeatedly as they are unable to retain new information. I apparently kept asking for the day and date.

Who is likely to have TGA? The condition usually occurs in people between the ages of 50 and 70 – I’m 64. It occurs in about five people per 100,000. The paramedics who came for me had seen a similar case recently.

What causes TGA? More than 50 years after its initial description, TGA remains one of the most enigmatic syndromes in clinical neurology. Quite simply, no one knows what causes it.

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Keith: ‘It was possibly the weirdest thing I have ever experienced’

Theories include some form of epileptic event (I have no history); a problem with blood circulation to, from, or around the brain (a brain scan showed nothing untoward); mild head trauma (nope); or some kind of migrainelike phenomenon (never had a migraine in my life).

About a third of TGA attacks are associated with some form of trigger event, including sudden temperature changes, sex, vigorous exercise, and emotionally traumatic or stressful events.

Dr Burnett said: “Everything we do feeds into our brains, so that is why it’s so difficult to identify what causes TGA. There seems to be no reason for it, and it is, by its very nature, a difficult thing to study because it is so fleeting.

By the time it is diagnosed it is usually over.”

At A&E, they believed stress could have precipitated my event, as we were dealing with an emotionally draining family crisis. Perhaps my overloaded brain needed a timeout?

“Stress has many knock-on physical and chemical effects on us,” Dr Burnett explained.

We humans are capable of recognising a danger that isn’t directly in front of us, and that is essentially what causes stress

“In animals, the fight-or-flight response means that if they see a predator, they run or are eaten.

But we humans are capable of recognising a danger that isn’t directly in front of us, and that is essentially what causes stress.”

Dr Burnett said he would not be surprised if there was a spike in TGA – along with many other mental health issues – in the coming months, sparked by the pandemic pressure and anxiety.

Indeed, a teaching hospital in Germany reported 16 TGA cases in the first four months of lockdown, compared to a previous annual average of 9.7 cases.

What next?

The good news is that TGA rarely has any after-effects. It’s possible

to have further episodes, but it is considered unusual to have more than two. Because the cause is unknown, and it’s unlikely to recur, there’s not much you can do to help yourself, either.

“It is very disturbing, and can be terrifying, but thankfully it is temporary,” said Dr Burnett.

All I can say is that my TGA incident was possibly the weirdest thing I have ever experienced. The year 2020, eh? It would probably be best to forget it all, anyway.

Dr Dean Burnett is author of ‘The Idiot Brain’, ‘The Happy Brain’, and for teens ‘Why Your Parents Are Driving You Up the Wall and What to Do About It’. Find out more at deanburnett.com

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Photography | Marcel Strauss

“

Sometimes the most important thing in a whole day is the rest we take between two deep breaths ETTY HILLESUM

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stress special : emotions

I had to change – or else I’d die Depressed and anxious, Sam turned to alcohol to help him face the world. Instead, it brought him to the brink of losing everything. Now, after turning his life around, he gives help and advice to those facing similar battles with their mental health Writing | Sam Church

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s I lay on the pavement at 4am on a freezing night in February 2019, with a ripped shirt, no wallet, no phone, an empty can of cider, and covered in snow, I thought: “If I just lie here long enough, then hopefully I won’t wake up.”

I knew that I was out of ideas, with all selfrespect gone, anxiety at an all-time high, and feeling so depressed that I couldn’t even face my own children. I wanted to die because I couldn’t do it anymore. But at the same time, I wanted to live, because of my family. Something had to change, I couldn’t carry on like this...

Looking back, I had a perfectly normal and loving upbringing, did reasonably well at school, and was successful at sport, so I can’t blame anything in particular for what happened to me.

Approaching my late teens, I remember starting to feel disconnected. I began to push close friends away, reduced how much sport I played, and eventually felt very isolated and alone.

I will always remember my first trip to the pub. It was 1 September 2001, and England were playing Germany at football. England won that game 5-1, but I remember feeling happy for a

very different reason. I had discovered alcohol that night. It was the beginning of the end for me – a fuse was lit – because I thought I’d found a solution to how I was feeling.

From that day on alcohol was my medicine, and when I started my working career it was like a ticking time bomb. My first job, as an apprentice at a well-known car manufacturer, ended as quickly as it started. I couldn’t handle the pressures of deadlines or other people, and could never understand why everyone else always seemed so happy. I just thought I was a bit grumpy. I didn’t associate me, a 20-year-old man, with the tag of depression.

Instead, I started on a pursuit of happiness, filling my life with different jobs, cars, clothes, and every activity I could imagine. It was like having a New Year resolution every month. I thought filling my world with external fixes would change me. Ultimately it didn’t. Nothing changed the way I was feeling inside.

My mood fell lower, anxiety was getting higher, panic attacks where becoming bigger – essentially my mental health was collapsing.

To top it all, at 22 I was now a heavy drinker. >>>

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Sam’s company, Mentality, can help you on your way, offering all the tools you need to look after your body and mind. Find out more at mentalitytheofficial.com, or email letschat@mentalitytheofficial.com

In my quest to change the way I felt, I decided to travel the world. I can remember feeling excited, but it was short-lived.

It turned into three and half months of uninterrupted daily drinking, at all hours and to the extreme. Nothing, or no one, was going to stop me.

I remember being in some of the most beautiful places on earth, with everything to look forward to, but still feeling desperately unhappy, continuously on edge, wondering what people were thinking of me, and completely exhausted by my own mind.

In 2014 I was blessed with my first child, a beautiful little girl called Eva. The feeling of becoming a dad was amazing. Holding a baby you had helped to create, and seeing yourself in another form, was beautiful.

For six months I tried connecting to Eva, but I just couldn’t. I loved her with every fibre in my body, but just couldn’t connect. Night after night I would ask myself: “What is wrong with me?”

Today, I know that I had undiagnosed postnatal depression.

By 2015, my drinking was out of control, and so were the lies. I was looking for shelter from everything, and being sober didn’t give me the protection I needed. Naturally, I would spend a lot of my time alone, depressed and drunk.

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No one should struggle with their mental health, no one should have to suffer alone, and no one should be deprived of the knowledge to help them get better Every morning I would wake and wonder how it had happened again. Why could I never go for one drink with family, friends, or work colleagues, without ending up out of control, alone, and hungover.

So, the next two years fell into a pattern. I would wake up with a hangover, go to work, come home, say goodnight to Eva, and then drink for the rest of the evening until I fell asleep. I became irrational over simple decisions, I gave up on my physical appearance, and just accepted I was going to be this way for the rest of my life – unhappy, isolated, living in fear, and depressed.

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Then 2018 brought me another gift – a second little girl. Just as beautiful as my first, Ada was my little bundle of joy and she brought so much happiness to me and my family. She was perfect.

And she brought me some hope. I mean, how could a man with a good job, a family, and two beautiful little girls, live like this? That was why something happened to me on that freezing night in February 2019, as I lay in the snow, wanting to die. To this day, I struggle to explain what happened. It was a feeling that I was going to change, and that this time I truly meant it.

Two days later, I went to see my GP, but a different doctor was standing in. She didn’t ask me the usual questions, instead she just simply

said: “Sam, you are an alcoholic, and you have been drinking to help your poor state of mental health.”

Four hours later I was in recovery, and the journey to change my life had begun. Within weeks, after speaking with people, and being honest with how I felt, I could notice the difference. I stopped drinking, the cravings went, and my mind started to clear. I could see a light at the end of the tunnel.

I haven’t looked back since, and my life just keeps getting better. What saved my life was being given the knowledge about poor mental health, the knowledge to change, and the support of people around me.

So today, I now give this knowledge away. I am a co-founder of a company called Mentality, which is there to help people like me. We provide the tools needed to live a happier and healthier life, for free.

No one should struggle with their mental health, no one should have to suffer alone, and no one should be deprived of the knowledge to help them get better.

Hold on to whatever hope you have, because change is possible. You can get better, and you will live the life you have always wanted. Your next decision could be the one that changes your life around. Be brave and go for it.

After all, we all deserve to live our best life.

OUR EXPERT SAYS Sam’s inspirational story highlights the damaging impact that alcohol can have on our lives. However, even more so, it evidences the wonderful power of the mind. Sam was struggling for many years, using alcohol to cope with difficult emotions – a cycle

that many of us fall into. With strong will, determination and good advice, Sam was able to break the cycle and live a life that he values.

Rav Sekhon | BA MA MBACP (Accred) Counsellor and psychotherapist

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Things you don’t owe anyone...

Your story. It’s yours to tell – when and if you want to.

The ‘perfect’ body. There are so many more important things than what your body looks like, including all the incredible things it allows you to do.

Keeping it together at all times. It’s OK to feel overwhelmed, and need help.

Your time.

How you spend it is up to you.

Being super productive 24/7. We all need time to pause, breathe, and recharge/reflect.

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