HEGEMONOCLE
Probably Macalester’s First…. And now Last…. Humor Magazine Volume 25, Issue 2 Fall 2022
EDITORS-IN-CHIEF
Zoe Roos Scheuerman ‘24 Dan Bially Levy ‘24
Head Of Production
Rene’e Gonzales ‘24
STAFF
Anina Peersen ‘23
Ross Kogel ‘24
Emma Malcolm ‘23
Morgan Niven ‘24
Corgan Archuleta ‘24 Taylor Sibthorp ‘24
Rory Donaghy ‘24 Talia Ostacher ‘25
Daniela Martinez ‘25
Hans Haenicke ‘25 Audrey Lester ‘26 Georgia Richter ‘26
Eva Sturm ‘26 Paul McGinn ‘26 Coat Rack ‘99
SHOUT OUTS
Philosophy Department for kicking us out of CC 206
Philosophy Department for giving us their leftover snacks
The mock weekly for coming to us for satire advice
Whoever made the funny ceramic guy (so beautiful…) Germany for stealing zoe from us next semester the Snow for making people not from the midwest happy Harold who is also georgia’s boss (as well as morgan’s)
Japanese Language Department for teaching rene’e the word “Milk”
Founders : Mikey Freedman ‘ 11 and Danny Rocklin ‘ 11
characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely satirical.
Follow us on instagram and twitter: @hegemonocle email: Hegemonocle@Macalester.edu
The MACALESTER
TALKING TO PROFESSORS: TIPS FROM THE HEGE*
Penetrate your professor’ s inner circle by approaching their elementary school-aged children first.
Professors often don’t give their real names to students they don’t trust. Keep repeating, "Ok, what’ s your real name?"
*BY READING THIS ARTICLE, YOU AGREE THAT THE HEGEMONOCLE IS NOT LIABLE FOR MENTAL OR PHYSICAL DISTRESS CAUSED BY THESE TIPS
Make a good first impression - stick out your hand and announce, "I would like to make a bond with you. "
Intimacy coordinators are available if you ’ re having difficulty bonding with your professor.
Frustrated with your professor’ s power plays? Just wait until they have to serve you at midnight breakfast. That’ s right, scoop those fucking cheesy eggs.
Are YOU Smarter Are YOU Smarter than 99.99% of than 99.99% of the World? the World? Perserverance Jewelry Protester Supercede Seperate Questionnaire Accomodation Arguement Occurred Disappear See how you did on the back! Calendar Restaurant Amatuer Bizarre Apparantly Collegue Millennium Sacrafice Vacuum Embarass
Perserverance Jewelry jEWELLRY Protester pROTESTOR Supercede Seperate Questionnaire qUESTIONAIRE Accomodation Arguement Occurred oCCURED Disappear DissapeAR Calendar Calender Restaurant Resturant Amatuer Bizarre Bizzare Apparantly Collegue Millennium Millenium Sacrafice Vacuum Vaccum Embarass Did you Know: Spelling is indicative of overall intelligence. Studies show that Scoring well on this test demonstrates above average critical thinking skills, deductive reasoning, and leadership potential (citation needed). Great minds of our generation like ELon Musk are part of the elite .01% to correctly identify more than half the misspelled words. Sponsored By Twitter
EXPERIENCE
5 TIPS FOR SUCCESSFUL COLLEGE LIVING
MAKE TIME FOR SELF-CARE
The Hamre Center has a sect of really fringe “holistic health experts” if that’s your thing.
See that toilet pipe that just exploded sewer water all over your bedroom floor? It’s an integral. Find the derivative of it. Now. It's not
ROLL WITH THE PUNCHES
If you’re having trouble getting the other members to do their job in a group project, show them by just taking the L and turning in a blank project.
EVERY MOMENT INTO
TURN
A LEARNING
your dream, it's your dad's dream.
DEESCALATE CONFLICTS
issues? Why get your RA involved when you
duel? WHEN EVERYTHING GOES TO SHIT, JUST REMEMBER:
Roommate
can have a good old-fashioned
Rare Aesthetics: CommunismCore
LeninxTrotsky
Macalester Professor Tramp Stamps
By: Audrey Lester“Feminist”
Dr. Lewe got this tramp stamp to profess his allyship to women worldwide, but it’s really only served to get him in trouble. While on his lecture circuit about the effects of climate change, a question he was frequently asked was its specific effects on women. Every time, he’d answer with “[w]ell, I think we all know my views on women…*pulls pants down and bends over in front of an entire fucking lecture hall.*” It never once landed. However, it was never disastrous enough for Lewe to be escorted out of the room; he would simply have to suffer a pregnant silence while standing in front of hundreds of audience members who would just slowly trickle out of the auditorium. Lewe has also decided to try his luck when taking pictures with various “strong, independent, powerful” women (rich women with memoirs). Hillary Clinton, Oprah, Queen Elizabeth’s corpse, and that one mom on TLC that had sextuplets were all repulsed when Lewe turned around and bent down during their meet-and-greets. (It is also worth mentioning that it is not clear why Lewe is so loyal to the turn around and bend down maneuver; it would be so easy to simply lift his shirt to show his stamp.) However, Wendy Williams was reportedly ecstatic to see this tattoo, although Lewe later found out that she thought “feminist” meant someone who rejected modern medicine.
“Safe space”
Although it is always good to make sure that your sexual partners feel safe, the arrow pointing down to Dr Korke’s anus makes this tramp stamp just really, really weird
In a classic instance of white people getting tattoos in languages that they don’t know, this tattoo actually didn’t start as a tramp stamp; it was on Dr Kissinger’s left breast She told everyone in a 90 mile radius of her that it meant “eternal life,” but in reality, it just means fucking “milk.” Those literate in Japanese suggested that she get it tattooed on the other breast, to not show bias to one breast when both breasts are equally capable of milk production Kissinger got her third “ ” when she realized that the tattoo was actually quite the aphrodisiac (people who could read Japanese and had breastfeeding kinks adored Kissinger’s duo of “milk” tattoos on her milkers), so she of course decided to get “ ” tattooed in the sexiest spot on the body: right smack dab in the tramp stamp spot.
"8.21.97"
Many people wonder if this was Dr. Vorge’s wedding day, the birthday of her child, or perhaps the day that a close loved one passed on (all of which are still very, very weird things to get a tramp stamp for). In reality, it’s simply to remember the day that she got the tramp stamp.
””
“
"38M"
Dr. Kore, an avid Omegle user, had difficulty with the transition from chat based to camera based Omegle. For the normal people that can, unlike Dr. Kore, have social interaction outside of a creepy site almost exclusively populated by predators, it is commonplace in Omegle chats to declare your age and gender (F for women and M for men), so pathetic 38 year old men like Dr. Kore type 38M roughly 300 times a day. When Dr Kore’s therapist recommended that he switch to Omegle’s video chats for a more humanoid form of interaction, Kore wondered how people would know that he was a 38 year old man. (Kore very much had the face of a 38 year old man.) So, as any rational actor would do, Kore tramped “38M” onto his lower back, and would sit with his back facing the camera for hours on end It was very practical; very few people wanted to chat with a 38 year old, so they knew to skip Dr. Kore the minute his gleaming tramp stamp showed up on the screen. Dr. Kore did get quite a few people asking if he was a plumber, to which he replied that he is a professor at the esteemed college known as Macalester. At first, Dr. Kore considered it an excellent investment, but he’s 42 now, so it really only worked for like seven months.
“Property of Mac the Scot”
Whenever any of Dr. Aberman’s partners ask “whose pussy is this?” Aberman simply tells the dumbass “Well, per my tramp stamp…”
“Mama’s Boy”
In the late 1980s, Dr Smiterson greatly mistook a “Daddy’s Girl” tramp stamp that he saw as an ode to the owner’s father, and immediately permanently inked his version into his skin One might think that the increase in people referring to their sexual partners as “mommy” in recent years might make Smiterson’s ink slightly less repulsive, however, Smiterson shows no interest in making it sexual and his mother remains the only woman to have ever seen this tattoo. I suppose the bright side is that Mrs. Smiterson reportedly liked it, since in every Mother’s Day photo, while she and her other children smiled, Dr. Smiterson would turn around and bend over so that his beloved tramp stamp could be immortalized by the camera. Unfortunately, the attendees of Mrs. Smiterson’s funeral a few years ago were reportedly less receptive to Dr Smiterson’s act of homage After Dr Smiterson’s brother showed his touching tattoo for his mother (his mother’s signature tattooed on his wrist) to the funeral guests, Dr Smiterson followed by standing in front of his mother’s casket and pulling his pants down to declare himself a mama’s boy one last time He was not invited to the interment ceremony
“Tramp”
Dr. Aines calls it as they see it.
17-0
