The MACALESTER
HEGEMONOCLE Probably Macalester’s First…. And now Last…. Humor Magazine
Volume 24, Issue 1
Fall 2021
EDITORS-IN-CHIEF
Head Of Production
Niko Bjork ‘ 22 Jared Jageler ‘22
Sophia Vischer ‘ 22
STAFF Ava Sadler-Gordon ‘22
Kirk Lobban ‘22
Gabi Isaac-Herzog ‘22
Rennie DiCarlo ‘23
Emma Malcolm ‘23
Hannah Scharrer ‘23
Majdaah Salaah ‘23
Corgan Archuleta ‘24
Dan Bially Levy ‘24
Zoe Roos Scheuerman ‘24
Taylor Sibthorp ‘24
Rene’e Gonzales ‘24
Emydius Montes ‘24
Caitlyn Bergstrom ‘24
Lucas Martin ‘24
Kamini Ramakrishna ‘24
Jack Berkey ‘24
Morgan Niven ‘24
Youssef Aithmad ‘24
Talia Ostacher ‘25
*Coat Rack ‘99
* On Sabbatical (permanent)
SHOUT OUTS The white squirrel, for being themselves Paul Overvoorde, for ending Covid The idea lab, for using vintage copies of the hege as collaging material Power outlets, for being juuust too far away for my computer charger to reach Mac affirmations, for stealing our thing Those freshmen, for sneaking into the class I had my eye on for 3 years President rivera, for spending 400k on an (admittedly good) party The Hege staff, we love you!
Founders : Mikey Freedman ‘ 11 and Danny Rocklin ‘ 11
characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely satirical. Follow us on instagram and twitter: @hegemonocle email: Hegemonocle@Macalester.edu
Dear readers, The new school year is well underway. By now, you are settled into the rhythm of classes, your roommate is comfortable enough to cry in front of you, and Cafe Mac cheesy eggs have wrecked your bowels. This means that you have in your hands a copy of the Hegemonocle, Macalester’s premier (and only) humor magazine. We hope you’ll join us in appreciating the absurdity of campus happening and our mortal toil. We are this year’s Editors-in-Chief, Niko and Jared. Once lowly staff writers, we rose through the ranks of the Hegemonocle, demonstrating nothing but white-guy mediocrity along the way to the top. We would like to shout out our previous EIC’s, Autumn and Lidija. You guys did such a great job of publishing physical magazines and remembering to send out meeting reminders. (NOT!) On a serious note, we hope you’re taking care of yourself as best you can. Check in with your friends, and don’t wait to get help for yourself. If you’re struggling, go to drop in counseling at health and wellness. If you need to talk to a counselor right away, call Press 2 at (651) 696-6275. Know that you are loved. Or whatever. Niko wrote that part, not me. We’re so glad to be back on campus and making our magazine with our fantastic team this semester. Thank you so much for reading our magazine - countless hours of work go into each issue, and getting to see your faces on distribution days make it all worthwhile. Much love, Niko and Jared Hegemonocle Editors in Chief
Ask The Hege Questions submitted by our dear readers
Q.
My roommate and I have a crush on the same person. What should we do?
How complex! Here are a few possible solutions... 1) There is no “we”. Foster the idea that you are working together, but in the end you will be the one who succeeds. Your stinky sock will be the one on the door handle. 2) Pretend to date each other so your crush gets jealous. If you end up staying together, your heart was in the wrong place. 3) Why have one person end up being the loser? Just share! Three happy people is better than two. 4) Throw their mattress outside of the window.
Q.
Q.
I need help shooting my shot with my professor. Do you have any suggestions?
Of course! Here are our saucy suggestions... 1) Be 15 minutes late to class and bring an empty box of cupcakes. 2) Speak slowly and loudly so they can hear allllll the flirtation. 3) Try to limit slang usage. Saying things like “this is a lit class fam” will dull the romance big time. 4) If things get saucy, don’t be too physical! Hearing aids come out easier than some may expect. 5) A little chivalry
How do I get more likes on my instagram posts?
Hi reader, thank you so much for your important question! First off, give up on your dream of achieving personal fulfillment through social media. It’s not going to happen. Your followers might like your photo, but would they like you in real life? Do a poll and see. Chances are that the answer is NO. As Sister Margaret from Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrow once said, "No number of tiny neon g-string bikini pics can give you true happiness like Christ our Lord and savior can." Repent.
never hurt anyone. If they’re struggling to move around, be the helping hand they need. 6) Remind them what your name is every half hour or so! They have
so
many
hot
sexy
irresistible students that they may not remember who you are. 7) Check in every once in a while! They are just asleep, right? 8) Be yourself! If they’re right for you, they’ll love the real you! And at the end of the day, age is just a number <3
Q.
What’s the best meal hack at Cafe Mac?
Hey Reader! This is an awesome question, and has got me thinking about my favorite brunches with my besties! Little known fact: they cannot stop you from baby-birding at Cafe Mac. Pandemic be damned (Cafe Mac is a covid hotspot germ fest anyway). Everyone knows all the flavor is kept in the spit! Plus it's the closest thing you’ll get to physical intimacy.
Q.
What should I do if my roommate threw my mattress out our window?
Hi reader, I think you’ve found yourself a secret lover! Looks like your roommate is making some coy attempts at flirtation (perhaps is feeling a little lonely in their twin XL) and is looking for snuggles. If you’re tempted by their sly attempts at love, feel free to slither into their unwashed sheets and turn on a little class-assigned-podcast and chill. If their advances convince you to stay the night, enjoy the one flat, flat pillow, and imminent back pain. If you decide to spurn their romantic advances, piss on their bed, throw it out the window and move out. Good luck!
WHITE PROFESSOR,
CULTURAL EXPERT?
CHECK OUR SCORING GUIDE AT THE END TO SEE WHERE YOUR PROFESSOR STANDS!
+1
Your professor argues with students over facts about their home culture.
+1
They start every class with what they think is a traditional greeting (it's actually an obscene phrase).
+1
All of the required course materials are their own, 30 year old, $200 books.
+1
They wear traditional clothing to (the wrong) events.
+1
If a student is from the culture your prof is teaching, they expect that student to be a vocal authority on it... but only if that student agrees with your professor.
+1
They call themself an anti-racist professor because they’re only racist off the clock.
+5
Their office looks like the British Museum.
Monday, October 25, 2021
Guy Who Thinks He’s Too Good for Veggie Co-Op Beginning to Show Distressing Signs of Scurvy Morgan Niven, Contributing Writer October 25th, 2021
MACALESTER COLLEGE- Sources close to 20-year-old Josh Schwartz claim that he is once again “on his bullshit” about the possibility of his living in the Veggie Co-Op on campus. “As an alpha male, I can’t imagine cutting meat out of my diet,” Schwartz (5’9”) said, clearly showing off a jaundiced yellow complexion. “Like, people who go vegetarian are super unhealthy ‘cause that’s not what we’re designed to do. We’re predators!” Schwartz paused briefly here to push one of his teeth back into his decaying gums. “I wish the Co-Op folks would read a freakin’ book about nutrition,” finished Schwartz, an Econ major. Schwartz had to cut his remarks to reporters short, as he was suffering from anemia, which he claimed was a result of “getting wicked smashed last weekend,” and not related at all to thinking a kiwi was a tropical parrot of some kind. Sources close to Schwartz express skepticism about his claims of being on the paleo diet, noting that he mainly subsists off Ho-Ho’s and Easy Mac.
FETAL POSITION ON PRESIDENT RIVERA'S LAWN
WEEDIAN
UNDER THE BELL
JWALL COSTUME STORAGE (YOU ARE A CLOWN)
CAFE MAC SOAP TUBS
BLANKET FORT UNDER THE KOFI ANNAN PINGPONG TABLE
PRETEND TO BE ONE OF THE DINOS OR VIBE WITH THE PSYCH DEPT. RATS
LYING IN THE CENTER OF THE FIELD, UNDER THE FLOODLIGHTS
SNOITACOL ELIXES TSEB
CARNEGIE HALL FIRE ESCAPE
OCTOBER 2021 | VOL. 1
THE STUDENT BULLETIN
MACALESTER COLLEGE
SAINT PAUL, MN
More in this Issue Gorilla Loose in OLRI - Page 27 LSD in Plant Forward Meat - Page 69 "Gorillas! Volcanos National Park, Rwanda" by extremeboh is licensed with CC BY-NC-ND 2.0. To view a copy of this license, visit https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/2.0/
“Mostly I remember sobbing on the ground
MACALESTER STUDY FINDS THAT GIVING PARTICIPANTS ACID THEN CHASING THEM IN GORILLA COSTUME IS NOT THE WORST WAY TO SPEND WEDNESDAY By Morgan Niven In a study heralded as a breakthrough for bored assholes everywhere, a groundbreaking experiment has found that giving unwitting participants the hallucinogenic substance LSD, then dressing up in a full body gorilla costume to chase them is “not the worst Wednesday we’ve ever spent at the lab, believe me.” Said lead professor Wayne Huggens, “Yeah, we ran out
as my father’s head with Bigfoot’s body screamed at me,” said the 21-year-old, whose music tastes were described as “pretty indie” and “very underground”. “But there was also an embarrassing amount of fear-induced urination. It feels good to be part of history, man.” Huggens also expressed a confidence in the timelessness of his research. “Whether it’s putting man on the moon or scaring college students shitless, we scientists bear the responsibility for the continued progress of the human race. We upheld that responsibility last Wednesday.” When asked where his research would go from here, Huggens described future plans to give chimpanzees Viagra and “just see what the hell happens.”
of funding for our whole dolphin sex thing, so we’re just sitting there and then [Department Chair John Walker] says hey, what if we gave people acid and then chased them around? And I’m thinking alright this could work,
Mostly I remember sobbing
yeah, and the rest is history.” When interviewed about
on the ground as my father’s
the study, participant Bill Devereaux noted that while his own experience had been “awful”, he was glad to contribute to scientific progress.
head with Bigfoot’s body screamed at me.
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Join us for a look back at the intrigue of the past, on campus and off, in our new segment...
This day in history! Today's Date: October 25th, 2021 By Jared Jageler
2020 Massachusetts Senator and former presidential candidate, Elizabeth Warren stops by Macalester College to stump for Joe Biden. She is quoted as saying “He’s really going to cancel student debt. I pinky promise!”
2019 “Joker” starring Joaquin Pheonix is released to cinemas in North America. This movie changed my life. It really shows how we live in a society and white men are the most oppressed group.
2016 Kim Kardashian is robbed of $10 million worth of jewelry in her Paris hotel room. This probably wouldn’t have happened if she had learned the lessons from my favorite film, “Joker.”
1969 “Astronauts” from the Apollo 11 “moon” landing “return to Earth.” To this day, it is the greatest hoax of all time. Nice.
1874 Macalester College is founded by Reverend Doctor Edward Duffield Neil. 145 years later, he was canceled by the students of that very school. In response, he released a statement saying “I am dead.”
1865 Following some amazing sloppy toppy from Mary Todd and in a stunning moment of post-nut clarity, President Lincoln decides to go sicko mode and win the Civil War.
1431 Joan of Arc, the original girlboss, is burned at the stake by those gatekeeping English bastards. A true role model for Suzanne Rivera and other gaslighters around the globe.
1755 BCE (BETA CUCK ERA) Hammurabi gets his tooth punched out and he writes the most famous notes app apology of all time. Based red pill Joker sigma male moment.
Heroes Who Taught Me Them A piece by: Kirk Lobban
that my best :
.
theorist
,
Change of Email Address, Greg Smith Greg Smith Hi everyone, I hope this email finds you well. If you’re receiving this message, it means that we’ve previously corresponded. If you’d like to contact me in the future, please email me at gsmith@gmail.com It’s been a while since I’ve spoken with some of you! In terms of life updates - after graduating, I got an entry level job at McKinsey consulting. However, following an unfortunate incident with my manager’s emotional support animal and a paper-shredder, I was let go. I was then forced to make the socially difficult but financially prudent decision to move back in with my parents. Since my childhood bedroom was transformed into their sewing room / weight room / sex oasis, I sleep in their bed. My mom sleeps on the left, my dad sleeps on the right, and our dog Peaches sleeps at the foot of our bed, and I sleep right in the middle of them. Honestly I just feel so privileged to have such a loving family and a strong support system. If you ever want to catch up, feel free to reach out at any time in the future. Best wishes, Greg
By Elizabeth Poor & Niko Bjork
CAN'T SEE PICTURES IN YOUR MIND? You may be entitled to financial compensation! (and revenge)
Have you always thought that "picture this" was a figure of speech? Do you have trouble remembering what your own mother looks like? When you go to your "happy place" is it just a black void behind your closed eyes? Are you shocked to learn that the answer to all these questions is supposed to be "no"? If you answered NO to most of these questions, you and your mind's eye can fuck right off, this isn't about you. If you answered YES to most of these questions, you probably have APHANTASIA and there's a good chance I just ruined your life because otherwise you wouldn't have found out that EVERYONE ELSE CAN JUST LOOK AT WHATEVER THEY WANT IN THEIR BRAINS!!! ALL THE TIME??? >1% of the world's population has Aphantasia which means there's gotta be at least 22 of us at Macalester. Now you know who you are.
CALL: 1-800-MIND-BLIND
There is strength in numbers. They can't possibly take all of us at once, even with the power of visualization.
Aphantasiacs assemble.
FRIDGE TO FORK
This food used to be in our fridge. Now you will it put it on your fork. put on your fucking fork, piss boy.
leonard center
This food only contains . the purest of the proteins d. The essence of the grin The whitest meat of the chicken breast. Athletes get double portions if they flex.
Organ-ic
The finest offal this side of the Mississippi. Living l up to our environmenta standards by not wasting any of the animal. Just don’t ask what type of meat it is on the meat lovers pizza.
Indiana
of This food comes with all the hallmarks of the state e, of Indiana: Corn, Mike Penc a and whatever the hell Hoosier is.
vegan sustainably caught and killed Behind the Environmental Sciences department. Served with Tempeh.
Salt.
So much salt. All of the es salt. enough that it mak up for our total lack of t?... righ gs. other seasonin right???
Hammers (sometimes we lose them inside)
Vegetarian….
Pepper
Or Vegan? Or something. it might have a whole cow in it whooooooops
G spot is down ( )
You have reached your ner destination if your part actually enjoyed the sex this time.
A Deconstruction of a Collegified mind; The Undergrad & Sciurus carolinensis, The Common Eastern Grey Squirrel
Taylor Squirlthorp, Rocky Bullwinkle, and other nondescript poorly paid academics Keywords: Squirrel, Psyche, College, Microcosm, SelfConfidence, Unlovable, Parasocial, Diety, Sacrifice, Death, Furumptuous
Abstract Squirrels are a part of the iconography of the college campus microcosm. Those who are a part of the collegiate ecosystem are delighted by the creatures and create imagery, such as art and memes, to celebrate them. In this case study, field research was conducted at Macalester College to examine how this cultural phenomenon presents itself in the student body at a small liberal arts college in the Midwest. Methods Interviews with 500 students. Students were interrogated under blaring lights on their squirrel preferences (tail length, puffiness, attitude, etc.) and subject to a two-hour long psychotherapy session.
student happiness
Results Our research has disturbed us. What we hypothesized would be a study revealing an adorable instinctual bond between humans and animals (that I could then write a popular science book about, which would rake in that some cash money and advance my career), actually shows a grossly parasocial relationship: Macalester students put an unhealthy amount of stake in their personal happiness on to goddamn squirrels. number of squirrels
The Eastern Grey Squirrel: Common Names -- the Enemy, the Manipulator
We’ve learned that this comes from the deep insecurity and sadness of the Macalester students. Our researchers propose that the downcast student populations view the squirrels as a reflection of the ideal self. Some of the positive qualities students assigned to the squirrels were: cute, soft, happy, and morally-superior. Conversely, students viewed themselves as ugly, unlovable, and full of delicious sin. Macalester college undergrads have a naïve sense of animal behavior. Similar to young children, the concept of death doesn’t make sense to them. When asked about roadkill sightings, the students were very confused. They firmly argued that the squirrels were just “built different” and were “sleeping”. We are positively baffled by this behavior. Our best guess is that they are so emotionally invested they ignore the inevitable.
Which Mac Dorm Are You? by Caitlyn Bergstrom
u do yofree time? t a h W r in you to o d o cease I ike t , l s w o What is the best dorm-cooked meal one ksn. ry y n a s laund d a you have ever made? n r y e a m f s s g s a n l i ry . a. A oon as c w care y o s be n s s a a. 5 gallons of unsweetened applesauce. It e t h h s t wa t o not xi g t e n i n g o d l n i n a d only took 12 hours, a huge tank in my grade g. ten arou ing socks ile prere watchin lkingd from all the homework I missed, and 33 p h a p w W o r k . b t and sin le a arms. loungaendom peop e baske h t thing. in ovie r y s n e a h g s i b. I still don't know where my dorm's oin the m h my d while d n kitchen is. e c. Waesngrossed in p o or s my do e v campuy room a d e n c. Toilet wine in the only gender-neutral L u . o m d ar ack to bathroom on the floor. My budget alcohol is dering g. gb n a o W g more important than the bladders of a few e. ecause ins not talkin b non-binary people. mean d. Does UberEats count? e. Soup dumplings. We didn't have enough flour, so we substituted with powdered sugar. Shame they ended up being more soup and less dumpling.
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ly e e sppt my f move ot s urni the b) I ince ture ’ v e furn neve I fir in st thou iture o r actu ut t ally ght abo he w thro ut i c) W t an indow, wn any wind ait, ot b dm y fr ut I ha ows her i p end to a eopl has. ve d) O ctua e ha lly t ve b tren f cours ig oss d e ! ! thin enough befo I’ve I ac gs o b t my re it w een d ually ut? favo o s a rite s cool ing it f tarted thin . Mat or ye that e) I g to t a o n out ce t throresses rs r o are w. its o f my ied to rigin room carr y al s pot , but it an old the nextreappeachair mor red ning in . ved
in.
sam
Keep track o f your answe rs and check your re sults on the n ext page!
What's your favorite Cafe Mac meal? a. A full plate of white rice. I lov the cronch. b. I know Scotty's doesn't count as Café Mac, but I am still going to choose that. c. A ham and cheese sandwich with one sad lettuce leaf that I make at the sandwich bar. d. Five burger patties. No bun. e. Is this some peasant joke that I am too easy-access-to-a-legit-kitchen to understand?
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Thursdays @ 9 - 10pm Room 206 in the Campus Center we love seeing new faces at our meetings, no matter the time of year. But Even if you can't make it on Thursdays, that's fine! If you've got a piece or even just an idea for one, feel free to email us at -
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YOU can solve this Hegemonocle whodunnit... RULES Find the 3 hedgehog-shaped clues around campus to piece together the mystery! If you find a hedgehog, take a photo, put it back, and look for the next one. Email hegemonocle@macalester.edu with the full answer. eg. John Smith did it with the Sword in Cafe Mac. Winners will receive a special place in our next magazine... I am in the laboratory of ideas, hiding in a box of this magazine's theme.
I am in the dining location that requires a key, hiding on top of the salty machine
I am in the meeting space of the Hegemonocle, hiding where the connection is made.