Hegemonocle Spring 2023 Issue 1 by The Macalester Hegemonocle

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HEGEMONOCLE

Probably Macalester’s First…. And now Last…. Humor Magazine

Volume 26, Issue 1 Spring 2023

EDITORS-IN-CHIEF

Dan Bially Levy ‘24

Zoe Roos Scheuerman ‘24*

Head Of Production

Rene’e Gonzales ‘24

Head Writer

Daniela Martinez ‘25

STAFF

Anina Peersen ‘23

Taylor Sibthorp ‘24

Talia Ostacher ‘25

Eva Sturm ‘26

Emma Malcolm ‘23

Arthur Motoyama ‘24

Paul McGinn ‘26

Emelia Brinkley ‘26

Coat Rack ‘99

* Study abroad

SHOUT OUTS

Morgan Niven ‘24*

Hans Haenicke ‘25

Audrey Lester ‘26

Georgia Richter ‘26

Audrey’s sister for letting us Talk about her dead cat

To Harold! The MVP of MAcalester Printing

Porn Phone in CC206, wherever you may be now

To our sons (Wac Meekly) for following in our footsteps

Whoever completely rearranged CC206 to give us a podium

Red, for believing in us

Founders : Mikey Freedman ‘ 11 and Danny Rocklin ‘ 11

characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely satirical.

The MACALESTER

I'm alright with kids References? Idk man, I barely know how to write

RAVING RAVING RAVING REVIEWS REVIEWS REVIEWS

The babysitter showed up on time, but we couldn't find our kids after - Lily B.

Caught sleeping on the job and my house was a mess when I came home. Wouldn't recomend :( - Antonia S. burned my house down "as

Smoking good babysitter - Kaitlyn D.

a treat" - Kim

Macalester’s Most Controversial Donors

A L P H A M A L E P O D C A S T E R

@AlphaMail (sic) donated sixty thousand dollars (two entire weeks of tuition) after having a live-streamed meltdown. “The woke police aren’t gonna like this one, ” he exclaimed, and then subsequently injected himself with multiple polio vaccines, tied his dick in a knot, and donated the allowance his mother gave him to Macalester College.

Macalester Financial Aid and Admissions once received a letter promising a $200,000 donation:

“Hey, if you ’ re comfortable (absolutely fine if not, no worries at all), I would love some pictures of your breasts (not my male fantasies showing their true colors lmao). Not that I’m trying to monetize your body or anything (although you certainly have the right to make money off of the sexualization of women ’ s bodies if you find that empowering!), but I’d be willing to donate $200,000 just for a lil’ wank to those bad girls!”

When Macalester refused, another letter arrived:

“Okay. Personally I think that your body is beautiful and should be in the fucking Louvre, but if you have internalized misogyny and want to hide your body in a burlap sack then I can’t help you. ”

M A L E M A N I P U L A T O R

L O R I L O U G H L I N Well…

“ T H E S P E R M D O N O R ”

One night a bag of cash filled with soggy, cum-ridden Benjamins showed up in front of the chapel, alongside a note with cutout magazine letters reading “All my ‘love’ *wink wink*, The Sperm Donor.” If The Sperm Donor wanted to remain anonymous, then it’s really weird that they soaked their donation with some of their most traceable DNA.

A N O T H E R M E N ’ S R I G H T S P O D C A S T E R ( ? ? ? )

Drinking game where you take a shot every time Macalester gets a donation from a men ’ s rights podcaster. Two shots isn’t that much but it’s still enough that it’s weird that it keeps happening to us. It’s also entirely possible that The Sperm Donor and the second men ’ s rights podcaster are the same person.

P R I N C E P H I L L I P

As the Duke of Edinburgh, Prince Phillip is believed to have accidentally funneled millions of dollars into Macalester by telling the office that ran his finances to give his extra money to “the fecking Scawts you whorish baustawd.” (He took his duties as Duke of a Scottish city very seriously.) His advisors then donated his money to the Macalester Scots. What most don’t know is that Prince Phillip was effectively dead for months before his official death (for twelve weeks he just lay in his bed, not moving, but eyes wide open), so his financial advisor decided that it would be a good time to reveal to Prince Phillip where his money had been going; after all, what was Phil’s more or less corpse supposed to do…respond? No! However, upon hearing the news Phillip reportedly gasped and sat straight up immediately, banishing his poor financial advisor to a tyrannical rant

“Ah, fock. Fockity fockity fock. You motherfocker. I want to fock you up the arse so you’ll be shitting my incestous DNA for years. What am I supposed to tell those li’il Scottie focking cunts now, ” Phillip reportedly wheezed.

Are Hot Cheetos Promoting a leftist Agenda???

Recently, our intrepid voice of reason, Tucker Carlson, bravely called out the M&M mascots for promoting a secret agenda and grooming our children with wokeness. However, I believe there is an even more obvious case of this phenomenon with another popular snack, Flamin' Hot Cheetos.

In their never-ending quest to make up new identities, the liberals are convincing our children to change their gender to animals (furries)!!!

They even want to replace all bathrooms in school with litter boxes (real)!!!

Soy is scientifically proven to lower men's testosterone (real)!!! A clear attempt by the liberals to forcibly feminize our men and destroy strong masculinity!!!

(Che)etos...

In our last Fall Issue, we begged for your sperm. Some readers were wondering why, accusing us of being “fucking weird” and “borderline creeps”, but we have our reasons. Bon Appetit and the Biology Department were working together to make a new student staff full of weird creatures, because, according to the Cafe Mac Managers, “nobody wants to work these days.” Rather than making your entire student work force have to ignore their schoolwork to work a shift that they honestly donʼt get paid enough or properly trained for, they decided to spend thousands of dollars to purchase unfertilized chicken eggs and beg some students for sperm (who were quick to accept). We honestly didnʼt have to ask you guys for sperm, the school just thought itʼd be more fitting if we did.

But how

did

the

school

make this work? Easy!

One of the biology professors offhandedlyadmitted to watching those chicken eggs and human sperm videos that everyone* had seen during Bio 180,and was blackmailed into doing th is for the school. After letting these creations ferment in the dark corners that is the entirety of the Humanities building, Cafe Mac finally has enough "student-made" (ew) workers to stop complaining about being understaffed.

This was the first Student Replacement Cafe Mac creation. He's suprisingly the most functional of all, we think it's because He's the only one who's had training in the entire staff.

He's proud of this picture :).

Some of these lab creations came out alright and ready to exploit, the rest are funny little guys work whenever. They don't do much other than make noises and whimper when the human staff talk to them. Is this ethical? Who knows! Remember this is a school that charges outrageous tuition, housing, and pressures students to live off campus when rent is high as shit and minimum wage won't cover it. They donʼt really care if we live or die! We canʼt complain though, weʼre scared that President Rivera will pluck us one by one and replace us with weird creatures if we insult the school one more time :( Weʼll end the story since the Creatures are behind us now by Riveraʼs command.

*This is what heʼs saying to make himself feel better

Macalester Theater and Dance NEW* Courses Spring 2024

Written by Hans Haenicke

Course Description

Contemporary intro to Twerking: Modern theory from the Subordinated Perspective

THDA 41-01

Sarah McQueef

M W F 8 am - 12 pm

Distribution

Requirement: Fine Arts

“Shakin dat ass and getting dat cash” is the original and quite misconstrued definition of twerking in the modern world. Distorted by society in order to diminish the freeing and expressing aspects of this art form, this course aims at not only teaching students the basics of buttock vibrations, but to actively learn at breaking down the negative pedagogies of this complex “booty” culture.

Adult Cinema and Playwriting: The Set, The Costume, and The Act

THDA 69-01

Cinnamon Clover

M 7 pm - 10 pm

Distribution Requirement: Fine Arts

Formatted by Rene'e Gonzales

Course Description

Pole Dancing: Rod, Gyrate, Voyeur

THDA 50-01

Jonathan Staff

T R 1:20 pm - 2:50 pm

Distribution

Requirement: Fine Arts

Prerequisite(s): THDA 45-01 (Lap Dancing II)

The Strip Club. That is what will appear in one ’ s mind when pondering the multiplex form of Pole Dancing. A growing and quite introspective community furthers this false idea by providing monetary funds to dancers, which simultaneously creates incentive to reward the destructive behavior depicted by the image of the deviant. In this course we will further explore these main ideas by not only learning the “ moves '' of the pole (spin, drop, bounce, flash), but we will also discuss possible solutions towards creating independence for the entrenched community looking to dance devoid of the “strip” scene.

Course Description

For generations radical groups have feverishly worked on either destroying or supporting this multi-billion-dollar industry. But why? In this course we will study the intricate forms of Adult Films in order to understand the deeper meaning behind modern pornography. The first half of this course will focus on watching and imitating some of the most popular and cultural films The second half will focus on using those skills to design sets, costumes, and even scripts. Students will be encouraged to actively participate in several handson workshops throughout the semester culminating in a “live action” collaboration for students, staff, and the local community *Totally Real

Dirty Rice and Me

An x Reader Fanfic

What’s wrong with me?

It’s my senior year and I have spent every single day of my college life scoffing at the poor rice we are fed everyday Undercooked, Overcooked, never Cooked. Yet, why did I just wake up in a pile of rice, caressing me afterhours?

Today was like everyday. I enter Cafe Mac to ‘enjoy’ one commuter meal. Glancing around to see what is offered to me. Over dressed salad, dry burger, and of course….crunchy rice. No matter how much I slather it in whatever slop is available, the rock hard crunch is enough to make me fear that I am actually eating my own tooth. Though, for some reason, the heat lamp shining above the glossy white rice made it actually seem appetizing. The rice let out a plume of smoke every time it was scooped into the ornate white bowls. The suddenly moist rice makes my brain salivate. I shake the wet thought out of my head as I read what is on the menu, but for some reason the words shuffled and were fading to only read white rice. I try to rub the senioritis from my eyes, but the fantasy words stay the same. I try to walk far away from the ‘Near and Far ’ station, but at every step I feel myself being…pulled back to the wok of rice. What is going on? I keep trying to walk, trying to reach the salad bar, but within a blink I am facing the rice again.

“Why do you keep trying to leave, Y/N?”

“What the fuck?” I murmur as I look at the pile of rice. I swear I saw it move and talk. No….it’s food. It can’t fucking do jack shit.

“I know you ’ ve wanted us for a long time...We are here now . Please...stay for a moment ” whispered the rice. “ We just want to talk ”

“I..uh…sure I’ll stay?” I say as my head slowly looks around. Suddenly, there was nothing around me but rice walls. I stumbled back in fear, pressing against the wet surface. The people who were loudly chattering disappeared. I was in a room of nothing but rice and now standing before me was a body–a body formed like a sculpture of rice. Voids of holes making eyes and a mouth. “What the hell?!” I screeched as I pushed myself back into the moist walls.

“I’m sorry! We didn’t mean to scare you, ” Uttered the rice quickly, holding up their suddenly formed grainy hands. “ We just wanted to make sure no one bothered us again.”

Again? What does it mean by that? I look at it, wide eyes, unable to speak. I am unsure how to even react to this rice. Rice, unlike any of the rice I have normally been forced to eat, has suddenly transported me into this bizarre world. I swallow a glob of spit, trying to wet my dry throat. “W-Where am I? What are you doing?”

“ We are vast and mighty, Y/N. We are able to mold our rice, space, and time. We just needed to have this moment to tell you that you are the reason our rice feels so fluffy and well formed.” It spoke, it was like hissing steam from a rice cooker.

“I,” a pause, “I don’t understand what you mean by that, Rice.”

“You’ve always wanted us . You’ve never had a day where we were not on your plate or bowl,” it started, “through our crunchy and our mushy moments. You still returned to us . ”

That wasn’t…wrong. I am a simple person. Whenever I see rice at a food station I know I have to take the risk and hope that it is finally good. That it finally has the fluffiness and fullness that every student wishes for. No matter how many times I have been disappointed, I always return to them…

“Without you, who would come back to us everyday with a burning hope that we can be better? We wanted to make sure you could feel how much this mattered to us .

That finally, we are the softest and most fluffy rice that you could ever dream of.”

After those words left the gaping hole that could be called its mouth, I was pulled into the moisture of Rice surrounding me. Holding me in a warm, moist, and steamy embrace. A hug one could argue.

“It was nothing,” I murmured, “I just wanted to keep trying for a good bowl of rice, that’s all.” Was

that all? I truthfully don’t think so but as this warmth seeped into my bones, I couldn’t really think anymore. I am only thinking of Rice. It was heir steam that was causing my face to heat up, not the blush of feeling a tight hold surrounding me.

“ We can treat you to a good meal. So stay with us...for tonight. Let our softness hold you tight and show you the reward for believing in us , ” they whispered. The warmth rolling in the room. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I could only smell the rice, the stickiness attaching it to what bare skin was available.

“Alright. I will stay with you.”

The next morning, before prep work arrived, I was in the back kitchens. Sprawled on a table, surrounded by…dry rice. The moisture of Rice went to keep me nourished sacrificing itself for one night with me. To be left dry and scattered leaving me a message spelled on the ground, just for

Art by Daniela Martinez Written by Rene’e Gonzales

To Antonia S, Your little kid decided to steal my best fanfic and wouldn't stop crying over fictional boy - Rene'e G.

To Kaitlyn D, I love a good MILF ;) - Rene'e G.

To Lily B, Are you sure you had any kids? Because I sure don't think you do. And if you did, they sure like to scream - Rene'e G.

To Kim L, You're welcome ❤ The kids wouldn't stop begging for smores so I had to deliver. By burning your valuables xoxo - Rene'e G.

Hegemonocle's Featured Obituaries

Dolly Parton

1946-∞

We are frequently reminded of Dolly Parton and her tremendous help and influence in the USA, and when Spring comes we are reminded of her in DollyWood. Last Saturday was the start of the Flowers & Food Festival, and we are reminded of the amazing work and economic boom she has provided this town for decades. Next Wednesday we will have a service for her in remembrance of the amazing things she’s done.

She isn’t dead, we just like to think about her

iPhone Charger

2012-2023

We are incredibly disheartened to report the death of our widely beloved soldier and friend, iPhone charger, who died in the field of battle after sustaining several fatal bite wounds from a local squirrel iPhone charger died as a hero for the mission, and we solemnly honor his noble sacrifice

iPhone charger was a renowned soldier, proudly answering the call of duty for a solid ten years, never once asking to be discharged. Over the course of his long career, he is credited with saving the lives of many iPods, iPhones, and iPads on the verge of death, providing them with ample charging even at his own detriment. He survived the internet at its most unstable, enduring the threat of the world ending in 2012 and the universal craze of One Direction.

During the course of his exemplary charging service, iPhone charger served in some of the most important operations of his time, acting at the ready phone power mobilization planner for Operation Cut the Rope (2012); Operation Vine Force (2014); Operation Binge Watch (2018); Operation Enduring Quarantine (2020-2021) and Operation Midterms Procrastination (2022).

A service and burial with full military honors is to be held at Chargington Cemetery this upcoming Sunday morning at 11:00 a.m. sharp. We ask that you join us as we celebrate the legacy of this hero who dedicated himself to selfless service for others. Transportation fees will not be covered.

In lieu of flowers, please send donations so I can buy a new charger

Charlie

2007-2023

Charlie “Babs” Lester, a cat that was once comfortable living in a tree, which continued the chain of being a vicious invasive species. Was saved by the Lester family to instead kill the birds that infested the walls in their city mansion Charlie was the best cat ever, who lovingly licked their leftover neuter scars and coughed up hairballs into Audrey’s morning coffee – to challenge her cat allergies Charlie would spend the last of her 16 years rubbing the luscious locks of fur onto the favored blanket and peeing on the camera hard drive, all owned by Audrey. You would think that Charlie was Garfield, as she died on a Monday that she oh so hated. Live up high in the trees you little rascal Charlie is survived by Audrey and Audrey’s Sister (who loved Charlie more).

The Flame

2020-2022

Last Thursday (or like 7 months ago by now I guess), The Flame grill tragically passed away Flame, Plant Forward, and other friends were ejected at top speeds from a circus-grade human cannon in a bout of youthful mischief, and then unfortunately did not survive a horrible oil fire weeks later. The Flame is survived by their niece Near & Far, who plans to continue undercooking rice and butchering cultural dishes to carry on The Flame’s legacy.

Iroh's Son

72-94 ASC

The cause of his death is mildly controversial, but the Insiders revealed that it was something along the lines of a Cabbage Man (?) and not during a fight in Ba Sing Se. Although literally no one really knows anything about him, his death has largely influenced nations. He’s survived by his father, Iroh, who is no longer a war criminal because the death of his son was somehow the push he needed to no longer kill thousands of innocent individuals.

Joe Biden

1942-2023

Joe Biden is dead. Did we expect it? Yes.

Kamalähhh Harizz did it. She murdered him alright. All to become president. Wow. Was it worth it? Was it worth it having sex with him until he died? I guess so Listen everyone. She has the nukes now. She has the fucking nukes and she’s going to hit arkansas with everything that she’s got. I am Joe Biden’s Uncle and I will not let this happen Make me the new president and I will take the nukes away from Kamalähhh. “Chocolate Chocolate Chip”- April 1, 2023

Unfortunately, sometimes having thousands of secret service agents ready to jump in front of a bullet for you just doesn’t cut it that’s life (death)! The obituaries of these three presidents are just now being written because, well they were just buried Their burial was so delayed because for decades First Ladies kept busy by hiding the presidents’ taxidermied bodies around the White House every month for visiting school children to find. The tradition was so beloved that the White House waited to discontinue it until the presidents were quite literally falling off the bone. To maintain school children’s interest in these presidents, Arlington Cemetery has announced another cool opportunity: Children will be able to dig up the presidents’ graves and observe the presidents laying there in the fetal position with their hair and fingernails still growing In honor of their burial, the government tried to satiate decades of conspiracy theories by releasing an executive summary titled “Top 10 Questions about Lincoln, JFK and Garfield’s assassinations that science can’t answer NOT CLICKBAIT!!!!” The summary highlights the fact that all presidents were assassinated by the same person (confirmed by source), all First Ladies were wearing bulletproof vests when their husbands were shot (what did they know?????), and the fact that Lincoln’s penis was throbbingly erect even as he lost vast amounts of blood. All families delivered touching tributes in one way or another: Lincoln’s family said they felt “neutral” about Lincoln’s presidency during a telephone survey, several members of Garfield’s family believed that it was the beloved cartoon cat that died and chanted “R I P that pussy” while his casket was lowered, and the Kennedy family sweetly engraved “He had that sloppy brain, if you know what I mean ;)” on JFK’s tombstone R I P assholes! <3

Lincoln/Garfield/ JFK ???-???