The Hegemonocle: Spring 2022 Issue 2

Hegemonocle Spring 2022 (Issue 2)

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burns its bridges

The MACALESTER

HEGEMONOCLE Probably Macalester’s First…. And Last…. Humor Magazine

Volume 25, Issue 2

Spring 2022

Seniors >:)

Jared Jageler ‘22 Sophia Vischer ‘22 Niko Bjork ‘ 22

Suckers who have to run this magazine next year Zoe Roos Scheuerman ‘24 Rene’e Gonzales ‘24 Dan Bially Levy ‘24

STAFF Gustav Kuhnen ‘22

Anina Peersen ‘23

Corgan Archuleta ‘24

Lucas Martin ‘24

Taylor Sibthorp ‘24

Rory Donaghy ‘24

Emydius Montes ‘24

Morgan Niven ‘24

Jayden Sinclair ‘24

Daniela Martinez ‘25

Hans Haenicke ‘25

Talia Ostacher ‘25

Ava Gordon ‘22*

Coat Rack ‘99

Rennie DiCarlo ‘23*

SHOUT OUTS Sophia’s dad, for getting promoted to President of St. Thomas!

Brenda Piatz, for raising my blood pressure with every Honors email Jared Jageler, notorious catholic Anina, our first** and only member from the class of 2023!

Oat milk, for its vice grip on the collective consciousness of the senior class Chicago, for giving Niko covid :( Stickermule, for having to deal w/ our organization President Rivera’s desk, for hosting our annual orgy *for old time’s sake <3 **under a technicality

Founders : Mikey Freedman ‘ 11 and Danny Rocklin ‘ 11

characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely satirical.

Follow us on instagram and twitter: @hegemonocle email: Hegemonocle@Macalester.edu

Letter from the

Editors/Seniors

Dearest Readers,

It’s been our pleasure to provide you with the highest, classiest forms of humor over the past four years. As the Class of 2022 reaches the end of our time at Macalester, we’d like to shake things up by reminding you about the most memorable moments and cringeworthy cancellations of our four glorious years at Macalester…

The busting of a dorm party on Turck 4 during Orientation. Class of ‘22 is still dealing with the ramifications of this one.

When classes were canceled for the Polar Vortex and the dorms became the Stanford Prison Experiment and smelled like sweaty bodies Legal alcohol at Macalester events for 21+ people being canceled right as the class of ‘22 turned 21.

The canceling of Neill Hall Founder’s Day being canceled and turned into Founding Day because we forgot to cancel the rest of the Founders when we canceled Neill.

Conservatives tricking Mac students on camera into saying they want to cancel Thanksgiving.

Nice one guys.

President Rivera being canceled on Twitter the second she became president The Trads’ singing Valentines being canceled by a single professor.

Administration stripping campus traditions of every shred of joy is seniors still had left. Bang up job guys.

Brian Rosenberg’s retirement U.S. Bank security guards sending a photo of my school ID to Macalester for trying to sneak alcohol into Winter Ball.

Patient zero of COVID going to a Fairmount party The big tent But really - it’s been an absolute honor to make sortafunny, sorta-quarterly magazines for you all. Finally being back on campus to hand out copies was the best way to round out our final year at Mac… and being ignored by our peers when doing this really just enhanced the whole experience. So thanks for that.

But whether we have weeks, days, or just a couple precious hours left as students of Macalester College, don't forget,... it's never too late to burn your bridges.

Good luck and godspeed to our successors, Zoe, Rene’e, & Dan... and to our fellow seniors, we'll see you in Uptown (and in hell).

Niko, Jared, & Sophia

?

K C I NN I M N N A Or was it Amy...

der?

Your Orientation Lea

A recent sur vey found th at 93.7% of students rec ognized the name "Ann Minnick," bu t could not id entify any pieces of info rmation abou t this enigmatic M acalester fig ure. Can you identify the real Ann Min nick?

Sounds like a fake job, must keep looking...

Director Program of Academic s and Ad vising?

Known "Anns" in the U.S.

Your first year roommate?

Ann Minnick: Myth or Fact?

Maybe A nn is short fo r Amanda. ..

uard g e f i l y l n o The e LC? h t t a g n i k wor

Someone in Career Exploration?

The Hege's Long-lo st Faculty Advisor?

Mac the Scot's

Sister?

Flip to page 40 for the correct answer!

THE COCH ................................

Craft cocktails from the culinary hellscape that is Bon Appetit

Following a historic vote, Macalester College will become America's first ever “Wet Campus” and everyone agrees that this is a terrible idea. Godspeed.

Sex on the Great Lawn . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $16.00 Equal parts cranberry juice, rain, dirty rice water from the Loch, mixed in an empty bucket of sanitizer, and topped off with a sexual misdemeanor.

Dirty Mask

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $2.00

Fairmount

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $15.17

Three day old creamy wild rice soup from Cafe Mac served in a mask you found on the bathroom floor of the LC.

Warm natty lite and chlamydia, served in a VERY sweaty glass

Academic Probation . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $1.75

Equal parts Guinness and molly, must be drunk from cupped hands like a thirsty dog.

Bad Times

........................................................

If you’re here for a good time we’d like to change that. This one is just a nalgene full of straight up Everclear.

$0.05

The Two-State Solution . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $2.00 Salvia, tequila, and a kiss on the forehead.

German House

...................................................

Sixteen Jaegerbombs served on a dirty toilet seat

$1.90

Iron Lady

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$0.00

Dirty Suzy

........................................................

Just kidding, Margret Thatcher isn't real.

Drink NyQuil till you can’t see straight. Drink vodka till you can’t walk straight. Then drive.

The Dupre Resident

$10.30

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $15.49

An IV bag filled halfway with Smirnoff and the rest with equal parts cough syrup from the 1800s and asbestos.

Your Mom . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $80.08 She knows ;)

For Whom the Sex Bell Tolls . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $∞

White wine served in a sippy cup, topped with edible glitter and inedible whipped cream (for the sex factor).

Top 5, Top 10 Lists Top 10 Balls

1. Earth 2. Foosball 3. Ootball 4. Basket 5. Orbeez 6. Egg 7. Australia 8. the SUN 9. Stars? Probably?

10. Testicles cuz obviously

Top 10 Cheap Beers 1. Hamm's 2. Michelob Ultra Light 3. Busch Apple Ale 4. Your mom 5. Miller Highlife 6. Busch Light Apple Ale 7. Blue Ribbon, its good i promise 8. Piss 9. Anything but Naderdays 10. Anything from Park

Top 10 Times my Dad forgot to pick me up from School 1. I don't have a dad...

Written by Hege Staff

Top 10 Top 10 List 1. Top 10 worst majors 2. Top 10 splendid gumbo recipes that will blow your tits clean off 3. Top 10 condoms i found in the jwall art stairwell 4. Top 10 pants 5. Top 10 Hege Members 6. Top 10 animals I accidentally ran over in my 2011 Subaru forester 7. Top 10 Netflix shows with full-frontal nudity that I watched with my mom 8. Top 10 bottles to conceal THC topicals from your roommates with 9. Top 10 fonts you use in the same sentence 10. Top 10 5-hour-long baths i took this month

Top 10 Online Quizzes that made me question my sexuality 1. Are you gay?

2. Which Anime character are you?

3. What kind of bread are you?

4. What your favorite drinks say about you (if you drink White Claw I'm going to find you)!

5. AP Stats exam 6. Which Hege Member are you?

7. The 7 holy sacraments 8. We can tell you your sexuality based on what nugget you choose 9. Which soup are you?

10. How many fingers am I holding up?

HR

Highlander Reviews*

Sony Extra Bass Speaker $246.98

"Still cheaper than my SINGLE SPANISH TEXTBOOK" - Rebeka F.

3.25" x 3.75" Tree Ornament $44.99 "A real match for all my other plain, polygonal glass ornaments!"

- Eric W.

*Products appearing in this work are real. Seriously, we didn't make these up.

Hi Friend!

I’m Jacob, co-founder here at College Truckers. I’m reaching out to see if we can help with your move-out at the end of this semester.

We provide climate-controlled storage and shipping services to Macalester students. Here’s how it works: 1. Reserve your move-out spot on our website (by providing us with your SSN and mother's maiden name) 2. We provide free boxes and tape to you, while supplies last 3. We pick up everything from your on or off-campus housing at the time of your choosing.

4. We will dump your belongings in the Mississippi river 5. When you return to campus, we might deliver everything to your new housing It’s that simple! If you have any questions, please shoot us an email at hello@collegetruckers.com or give us a call at 646-553-4441.

XOXO, Jacob

by anina peersen

aries march 21 - april 19 really and truly and honestly, everyone loves hearing about your skin care routine. making the hours you work on your mediocre skin your main personality point definitely covers up the insecurity. don’t worry though, you don’t need to change a thing. you’re gonna sue god and win.

taurus april 20 - may 20 you feel your boring old white man professor is being a dick, and you know what? you’re right. that bitch has never had a starbucks pink drink with no berries, heavy cream, and sweet cream cold foam and it shows. assert your dominance by showing up late with an iced drink every day, sitting on your laptop, typing loudly and angry staring at him the whole time. do all of the work because you are afraid of conflict and care more about your grade than sticking up for anything ever. that will show him. protecting your peace is your top priority during this period.

gemini may 21 - june 20 you live in a rich fantasy world and are ready to take the next step: stay there forever. you can definitely find enough acid to achieve your goals. godspeed.

cancer june 21 - july 22 i see a lot of tears in your future. like more than usual which is concerning. you should consider investing in a water bottle to take with you to all of your classes and never drink out of. all the cool kids do it. anyways, you should also definitely avoid all women.

leo july 23 - august 22 it’s time to let your freak flag fly! be open about your enema fetish, your people will stick with you. open up about how you think crunchy peanut butter is better than smooth peanut butter, the real you deserves to be seen! tell people you get an erection every time you smell gasoline, there is someone out there exactly like you. honesty and openness to the point of losing any and all respect you had will be a guiding principle for the next few weeks.

virgo august 23 september 22 AOC is a virgo (unconfirmed). think about that.

MACALESTER: WRITTEN BY HEGE STAFF,

Wind The Bears The Beans The Chicago Bears The Cubs

1 jock, 2 cock, Whitesox, Blackhawks.

"The" "Bean"

The Chicawgo Beaws (said by Mark Whalberg) Beers Illinois The childhood home of every Mac student from Chicago

The Chicago Beans (The Cubs)

Indiana University– Purdue University Indianapolis (IUPUI)

to ann ou nce ou r He ge mo no cle is pro udon Fai r! fir st ado pti ls aw ait ing a ma ani e Co me me et the uni qu e stu den t ho me "lo vin g" col leg - Re ne' e Go nza les Find our mission Here!

Spot He’s just a regular dog except that he’s missing his lower jaw. But we promise he’s totally fine. Don’t even worry about it.

Cotton Candy Though CC and her 7 doms are not technically up for adoption, they would still love to go home with one lucky Scot! xx x-x x ) x x- x x x

e;

M Call

Cannibal He is a creepy wooden puppet. He won’t kill you in your sleep :)

Giggles

Giggles loves to give tickles with its many hands.

Master Cock

Like Master Chief, from Halo. We know Video Games.

Puffer This is what happens when you snort too much kitty litter.

Max the Cat We totally didn't take Max from the library for this...

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his previous Friday, a sheltered freshman boy from the East Coast (of course) named Devin, a 5’3 scrawny esports choir kid, tragically passed out after inhaling one puff of a Mango Puff Bar at the Weedian. This has resulted in Public Safety and the ambulance appearing after various neighbors called about a girl screaming about her “fucking mango puff bar.”

“He took the last puff of my mango puff bar, just to die or something” says fellow Southern Californian freshman, Mikayleigheigh, “now I have to ask my plug to sell again.”

After the incident last Friday, Macalester President, Suzanne Rivera reminded students in a school wide email to “chill the fuck out. Y’all are doing too much over a mango puff bar. Devin is currently hyperventilating in his dorm after his mother screamed at him for losing her trust and breaking their, ‘honest Christian values.’

Poor kid is probably shitting himself while I’m sending this out. Next time just don’t give out your puff bar when it’s almost dead.”

Devin’s roommate, Mike, told interviewers that “Devin hasn’t showered since Friday. He’s too scared of vapor. He reeks.”

As of now, Devin asked his RA to tell his floor to stop dropping off puff bars at his door. His RA told him to “stop screaming each time he opens his door.”

In anticipation of unbearably cheesy and unrealistically hopeful graduation speeches, I decided to write my own and publish it cuz no one can stop me and at this point, I've got nothing to lose. This one goes out to the Class of 2022 and to everyone who fucking hated it here.

Sophia Vischer

Graduation Speech

Welcome friends, family, faculty, loose acquaintances, ex-lovers, & mortal enemies…

While it was a clear oversight on the administration’s part, I am so honored to have been given the opportunity to speak in front of all of you today. Before I officially begin, I want to offer my most sincere congratulations to my fellow graduates who have worked so hard to be here today (except you Geoffrey, fuck you). I also want to show my deepest thanks to our professors who never hesitated to ignore every single email that we ever sent them.

The Urban Dictionary defines College as, “the loneliest place that I ever been to” and then they just send you to the page for Consumer Fraud… go figure.

Who can believe that it was only 4 years ago when we all received our acceptance letters from Macalester College? I’m sure none of us could have ever imagined the irreparable damage to our bodies, minds, and souls that would inevitably follow. But now, as I look out at all of your shining faces, I can confirm two things: I genuinely only know about seven of you and all of this meant nothing -- after four years we’re not any smarter, we're just sadder, more jaded, in far more debt, and also probably have gonorrhea.

Fortunately for us, the challenges that we have faced at Macalester have also provided us with the skills necessary to succeed in the real world, skills like…

Getting mono Reckless but somehow still effective time management Giving mono Using public transportation without ever paying Concealing absurd volumes of alcohol Self-care How to burn all of your bridges Self-sabotage Hiding your wealth that being said, I just watched geoffrey down an incredulous How to set the table for a ladies’ luncheon amount of everclear and there are at least 8 people who I Basic first aid know for a fact have flasks on their person right now — Instagram infographic proficiency myself included With skills like this, no goal is out of reach for the Class of 2022 as we begin the next chapter of our lives. In fact, many of our peers already have pretty concrete post-grad plans. Whether they’ve been accepted to graduate or medical school, have been offered a job, or are starting a new internship, I just need everyone to recognize how fucking insane that is. Please take a minute to ask the person next to you what their post-graduation plans are and if they answer with anything other than “no idea” or bursting into tears, I want you to punch them in their face. [hold for punching] Before I give my closing remarks, I think it’s important that we take this time to actively lower everyone’s expectations of what our futures hold. First and foremost, we are not Macalester’s best nor brightest. We are the ones who were too stubborn to transfer, refused to leave out of pure spite, or didn’t know that switching schools was even an option.

Conversely, we ARE the future but that is a fact that should be making everyone very, very scared. Finally, not everyone can be destined for greatness. In fact, most of us are destined for insufferable and absolutely inescapable mediocrity. So, as some guy somewhere has probably said, don’t cry because it’s over, cry because it’s only downhill from here.

In closing, as we go our separate ways, here are a couple things to always keep in mind…

1. Don’t be a dick 2. Remember to vote 3. Do drugs but just be careful about it 4. Cry on company time 5. Always practice safe sex 6. Don’t take yourself too seriously

7. You can’t go wrong with arson 8. Fame is fame 9. Change your underwear 10. Sometimes it’s okay to just be good enough 11. You are loved 12. There’s always OnlyFans

And please, if you believe in a higher power, pray that it gets better from here because if college really was “the best years of our lives,” we are absolutely fucking screwed.

Goodnight, goodluck, and godspeed fellow graduates – go kick some ass and burn some bridges

B A O

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S t A ff n see ross n c te Of ling a ng tt ceili u c s he t

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Dan Bially Levy

ches t a W ral u t a rn Supe

Left Handed

Daniela Martinez

H fis as h s un tic ex k p lap ers laine top on d he r

Sophia Vischer

like es t ' n i s Doe en tend k chic

Fugly li ttle biyotch <3

Her "Friend” is a Clown torturer???

Anina Peersen

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Reactions last Issue's *obviously Fake* Giveaway

Nice Tr y Can't Sc am the Heg e!

Better luck next time >:)