The MACALESTER
HEGEMONOCLE Probably Macalester’s First…. And Last…. Humor Magazine
Volume 25, Issue 1
Spring 2022
EDITORS-IN-CHIEF
Managing Editors
Jared Jageler ‘22 Sophia Vischer ‘ 22
Niko Bjork ‘ 22 Zoe Roos Scheuerman ‘24
Head Writer
Head Of Production
Dan Bially Levy ‘24
Rene’e Gonzales ‘24
STAFF Gustav Kuhnen ‘22
Jayden Sinclair ‘24
Corgan Archuleta ‘24
Lucas Martin ‘24
Taylor Sibthorp ‘24
Rory Donaghy ‘24
Emydius Montes ‘24
Morgan Niven ‘24
Talia Ostacher ‘25
Daniela Martinez ‘25
Hans Haenicke ‘25
Coat Rack ‘99
SHOUT OUTS Sophia, for the great cover designs. You’ve been Promoted! The Mock Weekly, for giving us “competition” The class of 2023, for their valuable contributions to this magazine Finn Odum ‘21, for continuing to mentor Hege-youth from the great beyond President Rivera, for her “Go ScotS” License Plate Dan, for being born (single and ready to mingle!) Kim ‘24, for the art : ) Yigit Kahyaoglu, for stirring the pot Founders : Mikey Freedman ‘ 11 and Danny Rocklin ‘ 11 characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely satirical. Follow us on instagram and twitter: @hegemonocle email: Hegemonocle@Macalester.edu
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Macalester College
Gared Gageler (he/him) · 3rd+
My Dad's Law Firm
Senior at Macalester College, I need a fucking job. Saint Paul, Minnesota
·
17 Connections
Honors & Awards Dean's List
Chuck Green Fellowship
Macalester College
Macalester College, PoliSci Department
I finally eeked out a decent enough GPA to crack the Dean's List, but it was during the fucking module system so it didn't count. I don't know who this Dean is but there's a knuckle sandwich coming his way.
Idk who Chuck Green is but I bet he's related to this Dean guy.
May 2021
January 2019
Experience Intern
My Dad's Law Firm · Part-time June 2013 - Present - *Checks notes on STAR method* - Sorted 100+ pieces of incoming paper correspondence, resulting in improved company synergies - Dissapointed father on 450+ occassions
Skills Occupying Space Endorsed by Gared's Dad
Conversational English
Shotgunning
Google Docs
Endorsed by Geoffrey
Interests
Monsanto + Follow
Reddit + Follow
Gared's Dad's Friend's Law firm - Unfollow
New Identity Collectives at Mac
Join the O-Chem Roommate Identity Collective Macalester College acknowledges the unique and traumatic experiences of students with roommates in Organic Chemistry. We at the O-Chem Roommate Identity Collective are here for YOU.
Join fellow humanities/social science majors as we face our O-Chem Roommates and an unstable post collegiate job market! We plan to discuss: g while trying to sleep 1. Discomfort of hearing quiet sobbin ut… dioxin or some structure thingies 2. How to deal with word vomits abo p ate, while being utterly unable to hel 3. Feeling responsible for your roomm bricks 4. Stepping on weird molecule Lego to as "et. al." 5. Feeling inadequate when referred 6. Job Security
JOIN THE
MIDWEST IDENTITY COLLECTIVE ! For far too long, coastal elites have marginalized Midwesterners at Macalester. We desire a campus where our suburban heritage and exceptional averageness is celebrated!
Together we will work to... - Convert Plant Forward into a cheese curd bar - Increase auto dependency between campus buildings - Invest endowment in soybean & corn agriculture - Maybe like normalize passive aggressive behavior. Please.
Currently seeking membe rs outside of the Chicagoland Area
The wind was harsh and cold. I tightened my jacket around me
as I stood outside of Spyhouse coffee, a place I would have never gone to. It was too expensive, but my bagpipe partner insisted we do our bagpipe study here. Just as I was about to leave, tired of waiting for him, I saw a tall figure approaching. He was dressed as if it wasn’t winter with a thin, mustard yellow cardigan and a pair of gray sweatpants that hung tightly around his waist. A grin spread across his snout upon the sight of me, showing his small, white fangs within those bubblegum pink gums. His snout crinkled and he pushed his round wire glasses past his warm brown eyes.
“I’m sorry that I'm late, Y/N! I couldn’t find my hat in the mess of papers on my desk,” rumbled his deep, melodious voice. With that line, he carefully tapped at the tall black top hat that sat upon his lion mane of hedgehog quills. “Oh it’s no problem. It’s only 4:22, so not too bad of a wait,” I said with a little laugh. “Well, are you ready? This sheet music ain’t going to read itself,” he said while walking up to the door that led into the overly expensive coffee shop. He made sure to hold the door open for me, like a true gentleman, while I stepped into the warm smell of freshly ground coffee. The white and gray marble was blinding with the ambient lighting that shone into every corner of this shop. While I stood, being overwhelmed, Hege was already at the counter getting ready to order us both drinks. “So, about our duet for the upcoming showcase?” I inquired, watching him dig through his bag.. “Yes! The showcase! I mean, we are just playing the bagpipes. Should be simple enough. We have our kilts and just have to memorize the Macalester song, but I honestly think that’s the easiest thing we could do,” he said with a laugh. “Says the person who nearly forgot the most obvious hat in the world,” I countered, raising my eyebrow. “Well-” he started before being interrupted. “I have a Medium Roast coffee with Oat Milk and a small ‘Fuck, just give me something that has gold flakes and the smallest amount of coffee, but the most caffeine’ for Hege?” said a worker placing two cups of coffee on their counter. With that, stood up to grab our drinks. I looked at my mug and the pile of gold flakes on top of some very pale coffee. “Listen, Y/N. I know our bagpipe concert is tomorrow, but we will be fine. I am sure the people in attendance have never heard a bagpipe before,” Hege stated before drinking his coffee. “You say that as if you’re a professional,” I said with a huff of annoyance. “I call that stupid confidence,” he countered before putting his now empty glass on the table, he chugged that glass like a maniac. “We should just relax today.” “You made me come to this expensive coffee shop to relax? For nothing other than shit coffee?”
"I call it an impromptu coffee date. A way to get you to actually leave your room and go on a date with me,” he said with a laugh before standing from the table as well. I wasn’t even able to defend myself or process that this was a date before he was already making his way to the exit. I tried to hastily follow, but with Hege being taller than me, he was able to take much larger steps than I ever could. “Really? Couldn’t even be up front with me?” I said rolling my eyes when I could finally step in line with him. “You’re the one that was unable to read any of the fantastic flirts I have been bestowing to you since I met you last year.” Was his only defense. “You’re just trying to distract me! I mean, where are we even going to go now?” I asked as he was just walking forward as if he had a destination in mind. “Well, since I was finally able to reveal to you that I was flirting for a long time, I think we deserve to go watch a movie at my place.” That was his answer. He just kept walking. I had every chance to say no or to decline his endeavors to do this, but I kept following him. Following him to go watch whatever random movie he wanted, which by the way was the live action Sonic the Hedgehog.
~ Time Skip ~ I was curled up in a blanket. I slowly blinked away the sleep from my eyes as I carefully sat up. I looked around this room. This wasn’t my dorm, this room was not from any dorm on campus for that matter. There were old Hegemonocle issues plastered to the walls and multiple different styles of top hats hanging from hooks. The desk, that was covered with random sheets of paper, had one golden monocle laying in the direct sunlight. Suddenly I heard the door open and there stood Hege. The night flooded back into my mind, bringing a blush to my cheeks. My eyes weren’t drawn to his warm brown eyes, but to his bare chest. A chest that had the softest looking fur as water droplets dripped down. Lower and lower and lower. Leading to the towel wrapped around his hips, but wrapped in such a way that it reveals a vline that could make anyone drool. A grin spread across his snout, showing those pink little gums and bright white teeth. “You’re finally awake, dewdrop.”
Fin... Written By: Rene'e Gonzales
Illustrated By: Dan Bially Levy
[DECLASSIFIED] THE BOGDORF FAMILY ROAD TRIP On December 30th, 2021, The Bogdorf family (Jacob, 19, Susannah, 12, Rachel, 49, and Richard, 51) road-tripped from Sacramento, CA, to NYC, to spend New Years with Rachel’s sister, Andreyah, who owns a retreat for retired bomb-sniffing rats. The Bogdorfs never discussed what happened during those fateful seventeen hours. However, after months of painstaking research, the Hege staff have developed a timeline of the road trip’s events...
HOUR 9
HOUR 1
Richard refuses to stop for a bathroom because the family
Spirits and phone
has to keep up the good time.
batteries are high. Snacks
Susannah threatens to shit in
are plentiful.
the cupholders.
HOUR 3 Against their children’s objections, Richard puts on a Bach CD. Susannah and Jacob put their headphones in. Little did they know that this was their parents’ plan all along. Now, Rachel and Richard can discuss how
HOUR 7 The fart scent still has not dispersed. Rachel tries to roll down the windows, but Susannah throws a fit, claiming that she will be too cold. It is 95 degrees outside.
to tell their children and devout, Catholic parents about the divorce without any risk of being overheard.
HOUR 5 A thunderous bout of flatulence rocks the car. Since everyone smelt it at the same time, nobody knows who dealt it. Richard declares that it has to be Jacob, since Jacob’s vegan diet gives his farts a “distinct veggie aroma.” Jacob denies all allegations, even though he’s a guilty little shit.
HOUR 10 Jacob, unable to hold himself back any longer, logs on to PornHub. The only snacks left are dry carrot sticks. Phone
HOUR 17
batteries fall below forty percent.
The final hour passes in silence. Richard can still smell the fart. Rachel books a flight to Spain. Susannah, coming to terms with the realization that nothing really matters, enjoys the sunset, contemplating how the different shades of red and purple blend so
HOUR 13
perfectly in the dusky sky.
Susannah sees an adorable fawn on the side of the highway and alerts the family. Everyone looks just in time for the fawn to step into the road and get
HOUR 16
pulverized by a Coca-Cola branded semi truck. Habitat
Susannah understands now - she
fragmentation is no joke,
is the naive fawn trying to cross
people!
the road, and life is the Coca-Cola branded semi truck. She is helpless against the dehumanizing, relentless capitalist society she will never be able to escape, and her time on Earth will be short and brutal.
HOUR 15 Rachel regrets her decision to become a mother. She daydreams about Ronaldo, the
HOUR 14 Richard loses the map and asks Jacob for his phone so he can double-check the route. Jacob refuses. He makes the classic mistake of telling Richard that the phone is his, to which Richard replies that HE pays for Jacob’s phone, so it’s actually his.
dashing Spaniard she met on her study abroad program. They should have run away to Valencia together when they got the chance.
s P la nl ye y r O
ew
N
DRAFT KINGS: OFFICIAL BETTING PARTNER OF MACALESTER COLLEGE
LIVE BETS ON THE NEXT STAFF DEPARTURE
"LEGALLY" BET ON ALL THE BIGGEST MATCH-UPS
Predicted Winner
Opponent
Mac Pep
Men's Basketball
White Squirrel Fishbowl
Black Squirrel Quizbowl
100s of unemployed seniors
John Mountain
MCSG President
Mac President
Hege
Mac Weekly
Confidence
Your own hellness journey. Window
Specifically designed to let in the smallest amount of natural light possible. See p. 4.
2,350
$
Flourescent Overhead Lighting Warehouse-style, life-sapping light bulbs. See p. 5.
2
$
We all know how cruel Minnesota winters can be, especially for those with Seasonal Affective Disorder. This mood disorder is characterized by feelings of depression, melancholy, and general malaise, most felt in the gloomy Minnesota winters. That’s why we at the Hamre Wealth and Hellness Center are offering an opportunity to accustom get accustomed to the gloomy season.
Welcome to your Dupringle! A dark and fundamentally unwelcoming environment where your wintertime gloom can fester into total melancholic despair.
Roaches
As disgusting as your roommate except they don’t pay rent. See p. 1
0
$
Wall
State of the art walls thin enough to let you hear every distinct moan from your neighbor’s one-night stand, but they won’t hear you begging them to shut up. See p. 5.
3,000
$
You weak-willed vitamin D-deficient snowflakes need to grow some goddamn backbones and learn that facts (and the Macalester administration) don’t care about your feelings. We’ve teamed up with Residential Life to throw you into the absolute worst conditions of your life, so that it can only go up from there. The Dupringle has all the features needed to turn your seasonal depression into seasonal agony: • • •
•
Living space no wider than the average bike lane. Square footage too low to be legally considered a bedroom! Access to lounges offering less privacy than a panopticon (have fun hiding parties from Public Safety!) A feeling of being watched. That your experiences are not your own. That you are not a person but an object, a plaything for a force beyond your own control, a doll shoved into a concrete box for the sick amusement of an omnipotent power. At the mercy of the malevolent forces of Dupre Hall which seize your mind and rend your flesh in a feast of purest torment, A NEVER ENDING CYCLE OF HATRED AND SUFFERING Weed smell
Chair
Your favorite part of the room. It rocks a bit. See p.1.
30
$ Interior Design
Straight out of that MKUltra facility from Stranger Things. See p.1
150
$
Bed
Seasoned with various fluids from generations of past students. See p. 1.
200
$
Student's Weekly Report: Nation Really Wasting its Twenties with Whole “Collapsing Empire” Phase WASHINGTON D.C.—Top pundits and political scientists came to a consensus today that the United States of America was really wasting “the best years of it’s life” in a “frankly boring” utter deterioration of its important institutions and national character. “Get over it,” said Professor Andrew Latham, “I spent a year watching Beavis and Butthead on my mom’s couch too, but did I make it everyone else’s problem? No.” Events occurring within the nation like a declining economy, stagnation in the militaryindustrial complex, and internal strife were noted as “stale”, “been done before” and “a waste of a perfectly good future” by top voices within the nation. "I get it,” said Professor Bora Jeong, “Life right out of your teens is hard. But utter societal collapse is not the answer. America needs to get its ass in gear and stop moping around.” Experts were pleased that America had decided not to go down the whole “nose piercing in place of a personality” thing that was currently bedeviling the United Kingdom.
That Kid In Your Psych Class Getting a Lot of Mileage Out of Family Tragedy by Morgan Niven
MACALESTER COLLEGE- Yet again, that one kid in your psych class has brought up his unmentionable family tragedy, as if it has some bearing on the psychological terminology you’re learning. It wouldn’t be so bad if if it only came up once or twice, but at this point at least half the curriculum is centered around this weepy bastard’s dumbass family. And really, who plans a family sky diving trip? No wonder they’re dead. Oh shit, you said all this out loud. Dammit.
Lame! Photo by Seymour Butz
In the Next Issue... Skittish Rivera Has to Be Coaxed Out of Tree with Donor Support, Soothing Words Trauma Doesn’t Make Me Funny; That’s the Coke Addiction Annual Gaslighting Contest Didn’t Happen, You Just Made It Up Opinion: You “Sheeple” Are Just Falling Over Yourselves to Evacuate the Burning Building Turns Out the DEA Are Just a Bunch of Lame Squares
Guy Who Hated Improv Show Actually Just Went to Dune continued on page 80c
God, this improv sucks. Photo by Lee Keybum
Student's Weekly Telling People His SAT Score New Flirting Technique of Worst Guy You’ve Ever Met MACALESTER COLLEGE—In a turn of events described as “deeply disappointing” by industry experts, the Worst Guy you’ve ever met has begun telling his SAT scores to people he just met in yet another attempt to pick up “baddies.” John Warner, the well-known area jackass was quoted as saying, “Yeah, I got a 1320, which could have got me into, like, Harvard, if it weren’t for affirmative action and shit." Loudly talking over the hubbub of a party he wasn’t invited to, Warner reflected on his recent disappointing experiences in the dating pool, “I was dating this one girl, but she wouldn’t start an open relationship with me. How else was I supposed to process the Bengals loss?” Warner, a man whose take on cultural appropriation is offensive to virtually everyone, is reportedly moving on from such techniques as sending unsolicited dick pics or mansplaining his favorite movie, Wolf of Wall Street. “Women are just intimidated by my alpha lifestyle,” said Warner, who couldn’t do laundry with a gun to his head. At this point in the interview, Warner loudly announced that the party “sucked mad choad,” and requested that a “female” try to beat him at pong. No offers were forthcoming. At press time, Warner, who has gone as one of the Peaky Blinders for Halloween for the past four years, had decided to give Tinder another shot.
Toddler Listlessly Gazing At Girlfriend During Snack Time Wondering Where Best Days Of Life Went by Gus Kuhnen
HARTFORD, CT—Trying to remember where his happy-go-lucky outlook on life went, Robert “Bobby” Martin found himself staring mournfully at his long time partner of 3 weeks, Kelly Hendrickson, as she consumed a cup of applesauce during afternoon snack time. “We used to do everything together, from riding tricycles side by side, to organizing the same area during the clean up song. Now she barely acknowledges me at the storage cubbies when I hang my puffy coat up” remarked Martin, who has recently caught himself fantasizing about playing house with Hana Chen, another girl in his class. Martin wonders if the relationship will be be sustainable into 1st grade: “I guess I was deluding myself that we could spend the rest of our lives eating candy and holding hands carefree, but the real world with all of its responsibilities is out there.” Additionally burdening the couple, Hendrickson is considering transferring to a different reading period, meaning a switch to long-distance, something that Martin believes will make it even more difficult to sustain the relationship. “Maybe love is about changing, but I can’t help feeling a nostalgia for the person I was in preschool.
"Every living this is born without reason , prolongs itself out of weakness, and dies by chance." Bobby considers Sartre's famous quote. Photo by Mike Crotch
Student's Weekly Student Found Unconscious in Dupringle After Failed Cafe Mac Speedrun Attempt by Rory Donaghy
CAFETERIA MACALESTER—A student was found unconscious in critical condition in his dupringle on the morning of the 2nd. John Dick (whose identity we’re keeping confidential for privacy reasons) had allegedly attempted a cafe mac speed run the night before. For those who somehow don't know what a cafe mac speedrun is, it is an activity in which a student attempts to get the full cafe mac experience in as little time as possible. According to student witnesses, the run went so embarrassingly that it may have lead to the student losing the will to live. However, according to Hegemonocle experts, it is more likely that the student suffered extreme acid reflux after consuming an entire bottle of ghost pepper hot sauce as well as choosing a particularly bubbly beverage. This may seem strange to the casual observer, but the “hot sauce exploit” is a strategy typically used by students when the food being served is not above average (bad). The Macalester Hegemonocle has put together (stolen) a timeline of the incident for those who didn’t witness the run live, because that shit was hilarious. Run begins at 5:32pm 00:01.00 - Rule 2.01a(i) almost violated, sighs of relief from official run-watcher Jayden Sinclair. 00:03.51 - Pole-vault skip over card reader occurs 28% slower than normal, putting speedrunner 2.3 seconds behind pace from the get-go. 00:07.09 - Speedrunner’s path to soup station hindered by unusually long Flame line. 00:12.02 - Attempt to get soup slowed by inconsiderate diner indecisively flavor-checking both soups. 00:34.37 - Three bowls of soup acquired, placed at two-person table by windows. 00:52.30 - Speedrunner acquires glass of Hi-C, but fails to fill it to the proper threshold on first attempt, delaying run by at least 2 seconds; audible sighs heard from curious onlookers. 01:12.84 - Mandatory dessert acquisition delayed by intrusive thoughts of eating a stale chocolate-chip cookie. 01:16.02 - Ghost pepper hot sauce bottle grabbed by speedrunner.
Dramatic Recreation of Pole-vault Skip Photo by Big 'Man' Steve
Student's Weekly 01:21.74 - Speedrunner sits down; begins to drink first bowl of spiced soup. 01:57.55 - First bowl of soup consumed, speedrunner exclaims burn pain from ridge of mouth. 02:36.93 - Second bowl of soup consumed, speedrunner visibly sweating; clutching chest. 02:40.32 - Speedrunner takes bite of cookie, recoils in disgust before crumbling cookie into remaining bowl of soup. 03:09.09 - Speedrunner loses the mandatory best-of-three Rock-Paper-Scissors match to Cafe Mac employee, impairing morale. 03:38.33 - Third bowl of soup consumed; speedrunner now quaking in pain from spice and burns. Required amount of Hi-C consumed. 03:41.31 - With the passing of this time, speedrunner no longer eligible for top-5 time on Soup percent [Spice] speedrun category.
Trader Joe's Ghost Pepper Chips. I don't fuckin' know man it has ghost pepper in it fuck off I dont need your shit ma-
03:44.80 - Speedrunner bumps into quirked-up white boy on way to put away dishes. 03:50.40 - Speedrunner drops napkin on floor next to compost bin, spends 2.2 seconds picking it up under threat of run disqualification. 03:56.22 - Speedrunner’s dishes put away, begins sprint to finish line with tears in eyes and knots in stomach. 04:03.23 - Despite stumble, speedrunner finishes run 18th on the Soup%[Spice] category leaderboard, cafe mac applauds nonetheless. 5:38pm - Run ends. After thanking watcher and timer Jayden Sinclair, speedrunner seen stumbling out of Cafe Mac clutching at his stomach. 11:18pm - Strange noises heard from Dupre basement All-Gender bathroom. 9:41am - Unconscious body discovered.
The Macalester Hegemonocle will continue to provide live updates as the situation develops.
Heg
e's F Facu irst lty Sub mis sion !
Mac CARES / MULCH plans a series of events in Macalester's Herb Garden
Parsley with the Provost Mint with MSCS Dill with the Dean Sage with the Sage
(Special guest Prof. Jim Laine)
Oregano with the OSLE Lovage with the Sexy Trainers
Great news! Thanks to a generous alumni donor, we are excited to announce the first inaugural...
HEGE GIVES BACK
GIVEAWAY FEELING LUCKY?
Just scan this QRcode and fill out the quick form with your name and email address. You will be entered for one of many $25 gift cards to Target, Amazon, Dunn Bros, Shish, and Caribou Coffee. Act now!