$4.20
HEGE i survived the module system and all i got was this dumb magazine
Alfredo sauce, puddle water, & the body of Christ --
How to Transubstantiate the Perfect Charcoochie Board COVID-Era Catholicism
Becoming a Full-Time Job Applicant . . . and other careers for 2021 graduates
Meet the youth waiting until marriage to go mask-less volume 24
spring 2021
The MACALESTER
HEGEMONOCLE Probably Macalester’s First…. And now Last…. Humor Magazine
Volume 23, Issue 2
Quarantine Part IIII: Surviving the Module System Spring 2021
EDITORS-IN-CHIEF
Head Writer Jared Jageler ‘ 22
Digital Content Editor Finn Odum ‘ 21
Head of production Niko Bjork ‘22
Autumn Campbell ‘ 21 Lidija Namike ‘21
STAFF Ethan shaw ‘21
Kate Sibila ‘21
Sophia Vischer ‘22
Zoe Roos Scheuerman ‘24
Amanda Gonzales ‘24
Lucas Martin ‘24
Ramla Muhudiin ‘24
Corgan Archuleta ‘24
Dan Bially Levy ‘24
Youssef Aithmad ‘24
*Walter Mondale ‘54
Coat Rack ‘99
* On Sabbatical (permanent)
SHOUT OUTS Healthy roommates, for lowering our self esteem more and more everyday Apparel from Ivy Leagues, for rejecting us and keeping us humble The Board of Trustees, for doing the right thing Breadsmith, for finally refilling their sanitizer dispenser Dr. Rivera, for her biopic email about Walter Mondale Apple TV+ subscription, for giving us something to aim for University of Minnesota, for taking sole custody of Walter Mondale Pfizer, Moderna, and J&J vaccines, for making us gay(er) Walter Mondale, for staying at Mac long enough for us to get bullying rights
Founders : Mikey Freedman ‘ 11 and Danny Rocklin ‘ 11 characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely satirical. Follow us on instagram and twitter: @hegemonocle email: Hegemonocle@Macalester.edu Secret Clubhouse: Beneath one of the many overpasses on I-94
Dearest Readers,
Graduation is in 13 days. We are so tired.
Our most loving farewells, Lidija Namike and Autumn Campbell
A Culinary Tour of Macalester-Groveland a multicultural retrospective
by staff-writer Jaromír Jágr While my esteemed colleague Sylvia gets to cover Greenwich Village, our bitch ass editors sent me out on assignment to Saint Paul, Minnesota. My bastard stepson goes to a prissy school called Macalester College, so here’s a culinary tour of the “establishments” in the neighborhood. The first place my stepson recommended is called uppercase Pad Thai. I enjoyed the lowercase pad thai. I like that they didn’t put too many bean sprouts in there. 6/10 In search of dessert, I stopped into the local Frattallone’s Ace Hardware. I had heard legends of local journalists living entirely off of this place’s food for weeks. Upon entering, I was immediately accosted by a fellow in a hideous red vest. “Can I help you find anything today?” he pestered. “Show me to the cream soda and protein bars, you fuck.” I replied. It was stellar. 9/10 I met my ex-lover, Clémence, for a nightcap at the local dive, The Groveland Wap. We shared moderately priced beer and above average cheese curds. While the ambiance was pleasant, there was a shrill group of college students discussing “hegemonic hegemonies,” so we left in a hurry. 5/10 Nursing a Buttigieg of a hangover the next morning, I stumbled to The Brothers Dunn for a cup of joe. They didn’t take my Starbucks card, so I knocked over the rack of Star Tribunes, stormed outside, and crushed the old dudes on the benches in a game of strip poker. 3/10 Feeling unsatisfied, I just looked for the place with the highest Yelp reviews. It was a little indie dig called Shèrwin Williæms. They had some quixotic craft cocktails. I sipped on two, the “Sunbeam Yellow” and the “Slate Grey.” The employees seemed judgemental, but this was the tastiest joint I found in the neighborhood. 10/10
Piece by Jared Jageler
Illustrations by Luci Gutiérrez
BILD UR OWN CHARCUCHY BORED BASED ON YOUR B-DAY
Month Meat
January: Summer Sausage February: Prosciutto March: Squirrel Veal (spheal) April: Olives (vegan option) May: Locally sourced shark penis June: Meat of a Vegan (non-vegan)
July: Worm Chops August: Feral Boar September: “Mississippi Meat” October: Widdle hot dog pieces November: Gabagool December: The literal body of Christ
Day Cheese
1-5: Wisconsin Cheddar 6-10: Canned cheez-wizz 11-15: Ghost pepper jack 16-20: Whatever I find in my bellybutton 21-25: Of the toe variety 26-31: The scary monkey dog doll that my parents took on vacation
Year Cracker
1998: Club Cracker 1999: Panera Bread Bread Bowl 2000:David “Wheat-on” 2001: Geoffrey 2002: The cover of the purple armchair my dad would always sit in while yelling at the TV when i was a child
“Self-Care” Macalester College is committed to student wellness, and mental health is at the forefront of every decision the college makes. Consequently, the administration has compiled a list of self-care tips for students. If one method doesn’t work, don’t worry! Self-care means something different for everyone. What matters is searching for a method that works for you.
1. A Good Sleep Routine
Everyone should be able to consistently get eight to ten hours of sleep. Make some chamomile tea. Put some lavender oil into your diffuser. Go to bed at a reasonable time. Whatever you do, just don’t worry about that homework. DON’T. WORRY. ABOUT. IT. see? All better.
2. Exercise
Access to the Leonard Center might be limited for non-athletes, but anyone can get voluptuous, steely booty cheeks by repeatedly climbing the stairs to and from the top floor of Dupre.
3. Spending Time Outside
After a long day spent in classrooms and indoor study spots, nothing feels better than getting some fresh air in one of Mac’s many green spaces. My favorite way to commune with nature is to cover my naked body with peanut butter, lie spread-eagle on the lawn, and wait for the squirrels to take me.
4. Get Creative!
Art and music are powerful outlets for complicated, hard-to-express emotions. Try learning to play Hot Cross Buns on the bell and slowly working your way up to longer, more sophisticated pieces, like a Beethoven sonata. Arrange dildos, I mean street art, around campus at 2 AM.
5. Self-care Package
Pick up a self-care package from the Hamre center. Contents: a single kernel of unpopped popcorn, a tape recording of Dr. Rivera telling you that you’re doing a good job, three Ticonderoga pencils with no erasers, a loose cigarette, and a frog that talks in your mother’s voice.
6. Enjoy Your Breaks
Upon hearing your complaints about having too much work, we in the administration have decided that in order to help you out, we will spread your breaks out into wellness days all across the module. Don’t you feel well now? No? Well what if we told you that none of your professors would actually listen to these “Wellness Days” so it’s almost like we just stole your break.
7. Make Sure to Limit Your Screen Time
Bright screens are bad for your eyes, so make sure to take some time away from the ol’ monitor. Wait, all your classes are on the computer? That kinda sounds awful.
8. Whatever You Do, Don’t Cry
Man up, you little shit.
Twin Cities Mascot Reform Redacted
Walter Mondale signed 48 minutes ago Kofi Annan signed 1 hour ago
In light of new campus equity and diversity initiatives, students of Macalester College propose a list of alternative university mascots in the Twin Cities area. We hope these new and improved mascots will better represent ALL students.
The Macalester: Scots Hegehogs
(to represent the most important institution on campus)
Blundstones
Sexy Squirrels
My Waifu Body Pillow :3
The St. Thomas: Tommies Crucifixions
The Hamline: Pipers Pipes Pork Loins
The University of Minnesota: Gophers Discharging Beer Kegs
Cigarettes and Scary Yelling
Reasons For Signing Charles Turck
2 weeks ago
This is the type of community action that makes Macalester unique. As a PWI, it is imperative Macalester’s mascot represents all students and to me, there is no better icon that dam fine Sexy Squirrel
The Hegemonocle
4 days ago
Hege ≥ Macque Weekly < Chanter Go Hegehogs!
God
2 hours ago
UwU... My waifu body pillow? More like OUR waifu body pillow!
DeWitt Wallace
1 month ago
Furry representation on campus is always a plus
Geoffrey
10 seconds ago
Dat squirrel kinda cute tho