Notes from the diary of a hungry vampire Escrito de Josue Rodriguez Laureano

Notes from the diary of a hungry vampire

By Josue Rodriguez Laureano

I’ve always been fascinated by two things: the occult, and food. A few years ago, for fun, I wondered what would happen to a Food Network celebrity chef if they were turned into vampires. That’s how these notes were born. They are like journal entries in the recipe box of a vampire. Sometimes they are like commercial break 30 second recipes. Others are dark and reflect on the human/monster nature of the creature.

For this issue of [H]ound, I’ve chosen my 6 favorite “Notes”. I’ve chosen 6 because it is sort of an “evil” number, and I hope you enjoy them.

1. I used to think that being immortal would bring forth lots of time to be bored, but with immortality came a hunger for life that I never had when I was mortal…

2. Blood from a diabetic tastes sweet while the blood from someone with high blood pressure tastes salty. I always crave diabetics on Christmas.

3. If your prey is scared, their blood is immediately supplied with peptides from the brain thus increasing the rush and the protein content. Alternatively if your prey is sleeping, their blood could be rich in melatonin, drinking it has a calming effect.

4. I can look like an average Joe when I’m on the street. I could also spice myself up and charm mortals with my looks. Still I find deceiving to be one of my least favorable things. I’d rather have my victim run and scream, than fall helplessly into my arms willing to be sacrificed. Under regular circumstances no one ever really wants to die… and I hate it when my meal feels confused.

5. Blood flow only happens when there’s a heart beating in your chest. An erection requires a decent amount of blood flowing… I don’t get how modern depictions and interpretations of vampires are so sexual… How do they manage becoming erect without a regular heartbeat? The blood I drink is to supply necessary sustenance for a sound mind and an aesthetically pleasing (“healthy looking”) appearance… I take the life out of blood to feed my will and my mind. I can’t waste good food to make my old heart beat again to get an erection, have sex, and sweat… I’d have to eat a dozen horny soldiers in a single gulp to achieve that and still have strength to keep my skin from looking like a prune…

6. I don’t ever buy real food anymore, so for fun I decided to shop around in a 24 hour supermarket. I ogled past the insomniacs, and the junkies, the bored, and the crazies till I found a young pair of full figured women with a sweet craving. Their blood was rich in complex carbohydrates and nonessential fatty acids… It reminded me of what butter cakes with royal icing tasted like. Sadly I learned that the reason of their craving was sadness and anger over broken dreams and frustration. These two girls ate their emotions so hard that I woke up over their two wasted bodies longing for a man to love me in a way I’m unavailable to love myself.

I think the main reason a lot of child stars don t make it is that it s hard to see someone as cute and then all of a sudden see them as having more depth. ,

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