The Mock Turtle - No. 12 by Heritage Quay

THE fitPoeK

MARCH, 1951.

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THE MOCK TURTLE A

R e v ie w and

o i llie JLife,

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H u m o u r ol {'lie

H u d d e rs fie ld

I e c lim c a ] O o lle g e

CHARLESRECORD

Editor: Assistant Editors :

LEONARD R. GLEDHILL

EDITH SYKES

Business Managers :

P. R. LIGHTBODY BARBARA LODGE K. C. BROWNE Advertisements : H. GRAY

Subscriptions: Sales :

‘ ‘ T h e r e's

and

he's

NUMBER TWELVE

Purpose

treading

just

behind

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tail.”

MARCH, 1931

THE

MOCK TURTLE CONTENTS.

EDITORIAL NOTES ORDEAL BY NIGHT O.X.O. NODDINGS FROM THE LAND OF NOD Gory Vaquers ROBOTS AND POLICEMEN Petit LIFE’S ETERNAL QUERY Jessie Swallow INTROSPECT CARTOON Drawn by Charles Cadley CORRESPONDENCE Samuel Finkelstein and Robin Player WITH APOLOGIES TO MR. WORDSWORTH FILM NEWS G.H.B. ADVICE BUREAU N.H. A WEEK-END AFOOT Josef BOOK REVIEWS WHAT WE HEAR Petit THE HUMAN TOUCH Tecite VINDICATION J.M.J.Q. STAFF NOTES OLD STUDENTS’ UNION SKETCH CLUB A.F.C. DRAMATIC CLUB CRICKET CLUB MIXED HOCKEY SKETCHING AND SKETCHES WOULD YOU LIKE TOBE A MINER? Josef SWIMMING CLUB AT THE PLAY STUDENT CHRISTIAN MOVEMENT

WHY NOT JOIN THE SELECT CIRCLE OF LITERARY ARTISTS WHO WRITE FOR THE MOCK TURTLE?

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M o te s

A n d how many hours a day did you do lessons? ” said Alice Ten hours the first day,” said the Mock 7 urtle : “nine the next and so on.” “ What a curious plan ! ” exclaimed Alice. I hat s the reason they le called lessons, ” the Gryphon remarked : because they lessen from day to day . ” — / hen the eleventh day must have been a holiday.” O f course it was," said the Mock Turtle. A n d how did you manage on the twelfth? ” Alice went on eagerly. “ 7 hat's enough about lessons, the Gryphon interrupted — ALICE’S ADVENTURES IN WONDERLAND.

HE recent meeting to re-form a Christian Union in the College gave food for thought. To discover the type of meeting which would interest students, one of the two visiting organisers innocently enquired as to the matters we discussed amongst ourselves. A chemist could remember a prolonged discussion, in his department, on Vivisection; but, apart from this, it was the unanimous verdict of the widely representative group of students present, that no one in the College ever talked about anything above the level of shove ha’penny. If any student ever asks himself ‘ ‘Why?” or “ Whither?” with regard, either to his own life, or to that of society, or of humanity, he apparently asks himself only. Do human questions, public affairs, international problems, religion, justice, freedom, beauty or truth hold no interest for us? Are we merely part of a generation of technical or scientific automata, content to save funeral expenses by blindly serving the purposes of others; or to help in the building of a machine civilisation directed to purely puerile ends? We trust not. And we recognise that the most important things do not always lend themselves readily to casual conversation. For this reason we hope that students will interest themselves in keeping a live Christian Union in being. One student remarked to us that the term “ Christian ” choked him off. We sympathise; but from past knowledge of the Student Movement may we make it clear that it is not—and ought not to become in any College—a mere duplication of the efforts of the average local church. First and foremost the Movement asks students to be free thinkers in the real sense. Jews, Tuyks, Infidels and Heretics—as the Book of Common Prayer has it—are welcome, and are found in its meetings. At a Swanwick Conference of the S.C.M. we once shared a tent with a Mohammedan and a Copt. We did not convert one another; but we learned to understand each other, and therefore our selves, a little better for it. The Movement is the one agency in the College, outside special classes, that is helping us to look beyond our jobs. Back it up. As Big Bill Hay wood used to say to his Hobo audiences, “ For Heaven’s sake think. It will hurt like Hell at first; but it’s your only hope.” Speech Day came round at the end of last term, and Lord Gorrell contributed a witty speech and distributed the usual enormous pile of prizes. 3 i (sj

To his Lordship’s mental vote of thanks to the Mock Turtle that ungainly reptile inwardly bowed. Like most people of wisdom and discretion—it’s where they get it from—Lord Gorrell had evidently studied our pages, and was thus able to invent a number of sallies which would appeal to all the best people in his audience. Some liveliness was also caused by Mr. J. Nixon’s unofficial ultimatum to the Governors, when supporting a vote of thanks, that if the Cricket Club did not get a playing field by the Summer they would set up wickets in Peel Street. We await the event with a pleasurable anticipation. Ourselves. A few words of praise to our helpers: Our last number sold out inside a week, thanks, firstly, to the excellent work of our sales managers; secondly, to some good work by poster designers and contribu tors; and, thirdly, to increased purchases by evening students. There are still a considerable number of full-time day students who do not support their college magazine to the extent of purchasing a copy. We trust that that will soon be altered. A few weeks ago we had no copy for the present number. A notice was posted pointing out the need. The response was prompt and liberal, and we apologise to several contributors who have sent good matter for which we cannot possibly find room, despite making more room. We hope to use some of it in the next issue, and in the meantime it makes for our peace of mind that we have some copy in hand against emergencies. The Mock Turtle Dance on Shrove Tuesday was, as always, enjoyed by everyone. About one hundred friends were present. Our special thanks are due to the British Legion, who lent us their excellent hall without charge, to Mr. P. R. Lightbody, who made most of the excellent arrangements, and to all helpers. For some time past the Magazine has been in debt to its Editor. Now, thanks to excellent sales, and the dance, the position is reversed, and we hardly dare be seen going to the Railway Station with a large bag, lest the Committee think we are absconding. The present issue is enlarged by four pages, and if support continues other improvements may be possible. Our Contemporaries. We are sure that the beautiful “ Elegie ” in the Morley College Magazine should awaken responsive chords in the hearts of many here. It begins:— “ The witching hour of six had come at last As thro’ the Morley “ Needle’s Eye ” now passed, The pilgrims of the night of class and muse, Who find their joys in “ swot ” instead of booze, And in the College basement sit and wait In hope that their class tutors will come late.” This, with other magazines received, has been placed in the Library. _________________________________________________________ C. R. FOR THE REALLY BEST WATERPROOFS, RUBBER FOOTWEAR, IN FACT RUBBER FOR ANY PURPOSE.

E. HELLEWELL CARTER & Co., Ltd. THE RUBBER STORES, 2, BUXTON ROAD. 4

O r J .e a l 1by N i g t i N front, a sea of faces. Behind, an ocean of faces, so it seems, stretching row upon row to the misty horizon. To the left, more faces; to the right, still more faces; while in the centre of this murmuring ocean one sits, feeling like a fish out of water. Out of the sea in front rises a face higher than the rest, and opens its lips and speaks. Silence falls upon the hall; the prize-giving ceremony has. begun. High on the wall the clock stares out, placid and serene, over the distinguished heads below. How slowly the hands move round; surely it has stopped? What was that the speaker said—Lord Gorell? Ah, yes; Lord Gorell is distributing the prizes to-night. One surveys the array of prizes stretched—almost the width of the hall —below the dais; and as one’s eyes wander over the heaped books there begins, deep within, Nature’s inevitable argument with Reason. “ Good Lord !” says Nature, “ and "must I stay here until all that lot has been distributed?” “ Of course, you idiot !” says Reason, “ you’re not the only one who’s got a prize. If they all went as soon as they’d received their prizes, how do you think the last recipient would feel? A bit lonely, wouldn’t he?” “ 1 wouldn’t mind in the least being last,” says Nature. “ Oh shut up, and listen,” says Reason. For a time one obeys; then that irritating voice begins again. “ I wish it was over. I wish I’d never come. Suppose 1 should stumble when going up the steps. What a complete fool I’d feel. I must take particular care when I come to those steps. Now let’s see; when my turn comes I must work my way to the end of the row, then walk down the gangway, then along the front and up the steps, then back along the front of the platform and down the other steps,and so up the gangway back again to my seat. Oh Lord ! why did I come? Why didn’t I stay away?” For a time Reason is routed. One gazes wildly at the steps leading up to the platform, feeling more and more certain that one will trip over them. Feverishly, one begins to count those malignant stairs. “ 1,2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7; 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7; that’s right. I’d better check it though; 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Oh, won’t 1 be glad when it’s over !” The silence is oppressive. On either side one’s fellows sit; some are looking at the speaker; some are looking at the floor; while others are look ing at the back of the neck of the chap in front; and every now and again a deep sigh escapes from some manly breast, until it seems as though one was sitting in the middle of a row of love-sick swains. Then a perceptible stir runs through the hall as the Principal begins to announce the long list of prize-winners. On and on reads the calm voice; student after student leaves his or her seat; ascends to that eye-swept platform, and returns with a prize; and more and more one wishes fervently that one could get under the chair. “ Now then ! you weak-kneed rabbit,” says Reason. “ For goodness sake pull yourself together; you’re worse than a little schoolboy. My word 1 and you actually have the temerity to call yourself a man !” 5

Under Reason’s biting lash one only grows more nervous. Then with disconcerting suddenness the frightful moment comes. “ These students have been successful in ------------------. Tom , D ick------, H arry------,” then follows like the clap of doom ones’ own name. For a second all is panic within. “ Oh, why doesn’t the floor open?” wails Nature, wildly. “ Get up ! you unspeakable rat !” roars Reason. “ It’ll serve you jolly well right if you do stumble on the steps; let’s hope you break your silly neck while you’re at it.” Then all is blurred and dreamlike. One barges towards the gangway, then wanders down that interminable length; behind Tom, Dick and Harry; and along the front towards where the steps seem to wait in malicious antici pation. “ Ah ! here we are—now, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7—thank goodness !” There follows a vision of kind grey eyes, and a humorous mouth; then a short handshake, and almost before one knows what has happened the mist has gone, and one is hopping down the steps as nimbly as a window-cleaner; then with firm tread one strides up the gangway and back to one’s place. “ Nerves? Rubbish ! I’ve no patience with those people who talk about nerves.” O.X.O.

N o a d in g s a n d R jc o c lie f s i ro m tk e L a n d o f X od By GORY VAQUERS, of the I.W.W.

Q.: A.:

Q.: A.: Q.: A.: Q.: A.:

Chum Kahter deals with Economy, With Government, Graft and Autonomy; Still, he likes to go out And imbibe bottled stout At the Lack Horse by way of Gastronomy. [ex Rechauffee by Chiffonier.] When did Manchester titter? When the Blue Tit (t) fell into the Rag-Bag. Who blazed the trail? I, said the Canary, With my little Mary, 1 blazed the trail. [“ Report on the Blue-Nose Mine Disaster” by Lodge (Minor).J When do onions return? When they have sufficient Spring in them. [The Vegetable Primer.| Why do the Tech, registers looks so weary? Because they serve for both a Day and a Knight. Why was Robinson so full of “ pep ” ? Because his middle names could be written P.K. (by gum ! ! ') THICK (OR THIN?) TWIST. Mr. I.L.P. [or the P1L with the LIP.]. I shay, gennelmen, that Golf is no gime for the pore werking man ! 6

(Cheers.) Why, brothers, what does ’andicap signify but “ cap-i-hand ” backwards like curtseying to Royalty ! Bah ! [and in his excitement he lost his “ quid ” which was not from his fellow Come-Honests.] CHEMICAL INTELLIGENCE (for local consumption). Q.: Why is the Colne Valley so hard to Conquer? A.: Because it contains not only a Snowden but an Everest, and there is always danger of leaches. Q.: When is a particle no longer discrete? A.: When it refuses a separation. [Vide Grammatical Conjugations in Laws of Divorce. | Hae ye iver seen Kurry Komb Smile? The pheenomenon lasts quite a while ! His generous mir-rth would encaircle the airth If its radius were less than a mile ! Q.: What is the difference between a Mammon-Worshipper and a hogmerchant? A.: Please sir, that is a matter for U. One deals in guilt and the other in gilts. Q.: What did England need in the drought of 1929? A.: Ah ! Prolonged “ reign ” (By George !). Q.: State concisely the maximum improbability in this selected hypothetical case. A.: Please sir, it is when gall-stones become jewellery. [Mathematical Soupcons by Julienne Rose.] Q.: What is the difference between a seagull and a baby? A.: Well sir, I could mention several but am afraid of the Large Manchester Titt. The one I think most obvious is that the seagull is cradled in the rock, whereas the baby is rocked in the cradle. [Prehistoric Records from the Blue Book of Thomas a Reckitt.] Q.: Where is the sign of the Ham(m)er and the Sickle? A.: Please sir, it is in the Art Department near the statue of the Red Virgin or the Leggy Flamingo. Q.: What is an Encyclical? A.: Please sir, it is a lecture on “ How to be Happy though Married ” by the World’s Most Gorgeous Bachelor. Q.: What is a Fire Insurance Policy? A.: Please sir, it is fundamentally a Pew-rent. [The Fire-Fighters’ Catechism by Lettell B. A. Holliday.] Q.: Where would a Man(n) be most missed? A.: Please sir, in the refectory. Q.: However did you spot the Substitute in the Team? A.: Why his “ ersatz” trate on end when 1 sang a Vulgar Boat Song. He was frightfully “ pi ” you know, didn’t even smoke ! [Recollections from the Players of 1915, by Ruddygoah.] Q.: Why are houses in North Yorkshire made of Blubber? A.: Because there are so few stones in the neighbourhood but many watery tracts. fEkology by Tek du Bois.] Q.: What is the Disease of the Churches? A.: Please sir, it is Pewmonia. I have heard it said that it is caused by too much brass in the seats, and cushions are recommended now. Q.: What is the question of the moment at Upperthong and Holmfirth? A.: Please sir, it is “ Should a parson neglect a hearse for a rehearsal?” 7

L if e s E t e r n a l Q u e r y \ID it ever occur to you that a man’s life is full of cussedness? He conies )) into the world without his consent, and goes out against his will, and the trip between is decidedly bumpy. When he is little, big girls kiss him; when he is big, little girls kiss him. If he is poor, he is a bad manager; if he is rich, lie’s a crook. If he is prosperous lie’s popular; if he needs help, everyone hands him a lemon. If he’s in politics, it’s for gain; if not, he’s no good to his country. If he doesn’t give to charity lie’s mean; if he does, it’s for show. If he is actually religious he’s a hypocrite; and if he takes no interest in religion he is a heathen. If he is affectionate lie’s a softy; if he cares for no one he’s cold blooded. If he dies young, there was a great future for him; if he lives to a good old age, he missed his way. If you don’t fight, you’re a coward; if you do, you’re a brute. If you save your money you’re a miser; if you spend it you’re a spend thrift. If you make money you’re a profiteer, and if you don’t you’re a fool. So what’s the use? —JESSIE SWALLOW.

INTROSPECT. Difficult to say when first it had its beginning unless it were one mid summer morn when the corn stood high, heavy-headed. “ Quite high enough to hide in,” thought the child as she peered over the wall. But the wind had other notions. He had been skirmishing with the poplars, but now he turned his attention to the ripening grain. . . The corn was glad; far inward she swayed, surrendering her supple beauty as a dancer her limbs to music. “ See my poppies,” she breathed. Quite still stood the watcher absorbed in the play of sound and movement until gradually she became conscious of something stirring within her, sleepily, like the passing of wings. What it was she knew not, only that the wave-sound took on a deeper note . . became wistful. It was as though some secret room had been unlocked within her. A room where Joy and Pain sat closely, side by side, so that somehow they were all blent. And deep down through it all was the murmur of the wind.—F.T. JUDGED! “ I asked you what do you think of Smith? Has he a brain and has he a heart? Is he a fellow of marrow and pith, And what are his notions of Nature and Art? “ You stroked your hair and you sleeked your clothes, And you shuddered again as you made reply: ‘ I took no heed of such things as those; He came to dine in a made-up tie !’ ” —From “ The Criminal,” in “ Dislikes,” by Charles Masefield. 8

R obots and P o licemen \

MOTORING correspondent, writing from hospital, says he has seen a lot in the papers about automatic traffic signals, known as robots, to replace policemen on point duty. He writes: “ I can see nothing to go into raptures about in the manufacture of an automatic policeman; in fact, the manufacture of anything so wooden-headed as the local point duty man is a thing not to be praised as a wonder, but to be condemned for bad taste.” The following may be useful to our correspondent and others who may be equally in the dark. The next time you are rolling along in your Rolls, and see a sign con sisting of three different coloured circles one on top of the other, do not think it is a new sign for that fast departing race, who lend to the poverty-stricken on any security, from text-books to gold watches. No, stop in the car; it is only a sign of the wrath to come. A little further along, at the next crossing, you will see a similar sign, only brighter and better nourished, with a little peaked cap over each of the circles. From one of these will shine an ominous red light, whilst brass circles on the road form the word “ Stop.” If you have read Macbeth you will know those signs are dangerous and stop accordingly. After waiting about five minutes the red light‘will go out to be replaced by the yellow one. Now’s the time; get ready—-the light turns to green—slip in the clutch—stamp on it, a moment’s hesitation and you are lost. The monster will have winked his eyes back to red in less than a jiffy, and woe betide you if you are moving with a red light against you and a copper hovering round. Such is the Technique of the Robot. Now for the difference between it and a Policeman. Its advantages from the motorists’ point of view are:— (1) It cannot hold you up for more than a prescribed time, whilst a policeman who takes a dislike to the colour of your car, the size of its radiator, or the wave in your hair, can, with a fair flow of traffic, keep you waiting until your car wants re-painting. (2) It cannot pull you up to ask you—why your rear light is out, why your side lights are out, why your head lamps are on, why you didn’t signal, why you didn’t stop when he signalled before, where your driving licence is, who taught you to drive, and why haven't you got your nurse with you? (3) It cannot make eyes at the girl by your side, though it can wink at her. Its disadvantages are:=— (1) It can hold you up for quite a while, be traffic as rare as policemen at a street brawl. (2) You cannot ask it (with reasonable chance of an answer at any rate) the way to Skelmanthorpe, or what time it is. The authorities might remedy this last failing, however. (3) If you get your hair off you can get no consolation from calling it all the adjectives in your vocabulary twice over, though it is cheaper than swearing at a policeman. Finally, I, personally, would like to know—If I knock a robot down shall I be summoned for assault and battery, or interfering with the police in the execution of their duty. PETIT. 9

A DAY IN THE LIFE OF THE MOCK TURTLE

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The ^iocfc 'Turtle regrets3 , that; ending to his n ot being one ofâ&#x20AC;&#x2DC;'TiVinS, i t lioutil not 6e yuite the thing to accept Noahf invitation to go cruising in rfw y \r /^ Drawn by Charles Cadley.

C 'O rrespom dem ce The Wolf’s Den, Heights of Abraham, Province of Be Quick. Dated this 666th Day of the Feast of Mock ! To the Editor of the Mock Turtle. Sir (not so dear, either)-— As a person with no political views which can be separated from what I consider is for the good of England may I enter a solemn protest against a serious partisan error on the part of the printer’s devil in one of the recent issues of your now famous Journal? I refer to the singling out of one particular organ of opinion (not necessarily public) for satirical abuse in the pages of your otherwise (partly) admirable journal. 1 do not buy this particular journal. I could not. (I do not now need shaving paper as I use a safety razor). But do you not think that it would be better when referring to the press to use such synonyms as Daily X---------------D rather than to show to the outside world that the Mock Turtle is just one more subversive organ subsidised from M------------w? (or is it N----------------- d ? ). The paper you so unfortunately singled out stands for King and Country ! It stands for nobody else. If you don’t believe this, read it ! Yours till red (white and blue) in the face, SAMUEL FJNKELSTE1N. We are very pleased to receive this valuable and constructive criticism from the distinguished Chemist who hides his light under a Teutonic bushel, and hasten to assure him that our political views are identical with his own, as he defines them above. Although we cannot profess wholly to understand his letter, we presume that he refers to a modest remark in our columns in faint praise of the Daily M------1. We grieve that the limitations of our enthusiasm for his favourite journal should have pained him; but in defence of our complete impartiality we beg him to observe that we have included in this issue libellous insults on the l.L.P. and the I.W.W. (from an author with whom he is inextricably associated), and with our last issue we obviously offended the Liberal Party, since, of all the posters advertising the issue, only one was mutilated, and that, which was found torn in half, was one asserting that Mr. Gladstone said “ Wait and See” in 1883.—Ed. AN APPEAL. Sir,—I appeal on behalf of British Trade for a break between hours at this seat of learning. This morning 1 received a circular from one of the leading tobacco firms in the country containing several blue coupons (free) for expensive gifts (also free in return for free coupons). Now these induce ments must cost the firm a great deal of money, but in the way I am about to suggest a considerable saving would be effected. Between hours students can be seen furtively smoking very abbreviated cigarettes, grey and black from constant use. These cigarettes are taken, 11

for the most part, from expensive cases, and lit from expensive lighters. This suggests that students can afford to smoke cigarettes of normal length, white cigarettes, if only they were given the opportunity. A really competent student can make a cigarette (sic) last, say, for 5 (in the vernacular) “ dock ings,” at the end of which the “ docker ” is ready for the incinerator, or pipe. If my scheme for the advancement of British trade were adopted, the student would smoke 5 cigarettes, where now he smokes one. A gain to British Trade, you say. Not a bit of it. Most of the tobacco smoked in this country comes from Virginia, Turkey, Alabam or some such place.—Yours, etc., ROBIN PLAYER. P.S.—The tobacco manufacturers make far too much profit anyway !

W i i l i A p o lo g ie s to M r , W o r d s w o r t l i I wandered lone as cloud would be That floated round the H.T.C., When all at once I passed a door Where chemmy students cursed and swore. (), dozens saw I at a glance Hanging about, but not a chance Had I to stay, for such a smell Assailed my nostrils that I fell Insensible (of course the chemist Can breathe where others cannot exist). They took and put me where the air Was fresher than it had been there, And as I gathered conciousness I wondered what had gone amiss In that dark place where chaos reigned And peoples lives were just disdained. ANON.

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N ew s

By SHWAWNEN NAFFER. AT yH ILE failure follows failure in the theatre, the talkies move on their y \/ triumphant way. “ Broadway Dogs,” which was released last v 7 week, has created a sensation because no one in it says “ O.K. Chief.” The lead is capably taken by Miss Emma Best, who recently astounded Hollywood by walking out on John Filbert. She later sent a telegram, saying “ I am sea sick. Please forgive me.” * * JjJ 5{C JjJ Emily Jannins, who caused many people to blush in his last film, “ The Green Angel,” again scores as the Hat Band in “ The Green Hat.” Months ago he was told by his director, Wulf von Wolf, that drastic alterations in his diet would be necessary for him to fulfil the part. But nothing daunts this talented Teutonic, who forthwith gave up his'beer, and has since lived on Speigaleisen, a Bavarian form of haggis. * ❖ Jfc * ifc All people who saw Wallace Weary in his last film, “ The Big Lowse,’r should see the sequel, “ Bin and Mill,” in which he plays opposite Marie Dresser. The plot is laid in Chicago, where most boiled eggs are laid. sjc Last week I had the opportunity of being introduced to Dolores Del Dolamite, who, in private life is thought to be the daughter of Primo Calcined Dolamite, the Spanish dictator. I asked her for her opinion on the situation in Spain, but she remarked languidly, “ It’s all onions to me.” Coming off Iberian stock, she is deeply interested in mission work, and is known in her own circle as a saver of souls. “ Do you save men?” I asked. “ Yes.” “ And women?” “ Yes.” “ Well, save me two for Sunday night.” She only snorted. * * * * * Dean Ming, whose “ Shoutspoken Essays ” is a startling exposee of the night life of Berlin, is now busily engaged on the production of his famous book. In an interview yesterday, the Dean winked slyly at me and then chuckled heartily. I asked for his views on the Indian Square Legged Conference, but his only remark was “ Nuff said.” I believe he is thinking of incorporating Gandi in his next film, “ Bombay Babies.” ❖ t'fi & % When I last saw Greta Garbage, she was suffering from a severe attack of dismal-daftness. For a further description of this peculiar malady, 1 refer you to Mr. J-n-s, of the Smell Section. He has made a most exhaustive study of this fell disease. However, to return to dust—sorry Garbage—she remarked to me that her voice is not what it once was, but she is expecting it to be the same as before after her next talkie. Greta is reputed to be worth 5,000,000 dols., not counting her alimony. G. H. B. 13

O u r F r e e A d v ic e B u r e a u Conducted by CARNTEL YOFFAND '(Author of “ Alabaster Busts and Why,” “ Rhubarb and Candle Wax,” etc.). “ PUZZLED ” (Westgate). The best way to press trousers is by the flat-iron method, which is used exclusively in foreign countries as a method of applying capital punishment. The method requires a certain amount of patience as well as causing you to make a journey across the way to borrow a flat iron. Having collected the required instruments, etc., take them all Into the back bedroom, as you will have to remove your trousers before you can do anything with them. First, take all your money from your pockets in case both pennies get defaced by the heat treatment; then arrange the trousers in such a way as you require them to be when finished. The iron by this time should not have gone too cold by bringing it across the road— that is assuming that they had a better fire than you had—and should be passed over the trousers from A to B in a clockwise direction. Then pick both the iron and trousers from off the carpet and try again. Be more careful this time and tell the wife that you won’t say it again. If you persevere, you will find that your old trousers are hardly recognisable. Write me again shortly, if you have any difficulty. No, “ BROWN EYES ” (Queen Street South) you should never attempt to remove corns with a corkscrew, as the latter will become quite useless, having been subjected to such insanitary conditions. Continue with the old treatment of three times a day after meals. Your lucky month is June. jc :Js % % % B. BEASEE (Pole Moor). If your loud speaker continues to re produce horrible noises you should pay attention to your set at once. This should be boiled in cone, sulph. acid (2nd shelf on left, Lab. D) until tender, when the battery leads should be connected to a 500 volt alternator in order that each component may gas freely. You will now find that the trouble has gone, and by this treatment your set will not interfere with neighbours’ reception. ❖ * $ * * “ DOWNHEARTED” (Wigan). No, my dear, exercising is no good in your case. My advice to the thin is—don’t eat fast: my advice to the fat is don’t eat, fast ! For your sore throat use a razor. % :jc % ANNIE LAURIE (Southend). If you wish to give your legs a sun burnt appearance paint them with copal varnish and turn the chair upside ■down to dry. % t'fi ^ ^ “ REVVING U P ” (Wrexham). The best way to eliminate the noise clue to pre-ignition is to slacken one of the mudguards. I should not advise you to make the back wheels oval in an effort to counterbalance engine vibra tions at high speeds. # ❖ i'fi 'fi sjs You may obtain a separation order from the post office on application, “ HOT AND BOTHERED” (Barrow-in-Furness). Yes, it is rather annoying 14

when at 1-0 a.m. the red light in front of a “ road-up” sign won't change green. Cheer up. ❖ ❖ * * sjs Mrs. C.O.D. (Dundee). Fruit stains may be removed from linen table ■cloths by the aid of a pair of chiropodist’s scissors. N. H.

A 'W e e k - e n d A - foot “ HALF TERM.” “ No Classes will be held on Saturday Morning.” ~W W Y"HAT a welcome notice ! “ Not much of a Imliday,” you may say, y "y “ only a mere three hours. Hardly as long as some of your y dinner times.” Just so; but what an important three hours. Much more useful at this part of the week than at any other. “ Why?”you may ask, “ a morning is a morning no matter which morning it is.You can stay in bed just the same.” Bah ! ! What sluggard would stayinbed with a full week-end ahead and the open road calling? Thefirstchance for many weeks to escape from a laboratory so filled with nitrous fumes that it has the appearance of a perpetual sunset, and lighted by windows so etched that when the sun does appear to the outer world it does so without my knowledge. How I looked forward to Friday night. Would it never come? I lifted my rucksack off its peg and overhauled its contents. Every thing was there, just as I had left it from my last trip. Next came my boots. They had to be well oiled and a few worn studs replaced. This occupation always puts me in a retrospective frame of mind. How delightful it is to sit and mentally run over all the highways and byways, the mountains and the valleys that have helped to wear away the last set of nails. It is almost as pleasing as looking forward to some new conquest. After hammering hard on my fingers and a few inoffensive little nails, 1 discovered that although I had made all preparations 1 had not decided on any particular trip. Should 1 tramp round the peaks of North Derbyshire and renew all my acquaintances of the summer, or should I explore a little in North Yorkshire? The problem was soon settled for me in an unexpected manner. A stranger from the southern counties had come into our midst; one who wished to see our country, one who had never climbed a hill higher than a mole-hill. Here was a chance not to be missed. It simply had to be the Peak district. How 1 delight to sit and watch South Country people sit and drink in the beauty of those hills, valleys and rivers. Friday night came at last, and all chemistry was put in charge of its patron Saint “ Mephisto,” for execution in his private laboratory. Eight o’clock on Saturday morning found me waiting in Lord Street for my companion, who will be known as “ J.T.” We mounted a bus for Penistone, and rejoiced as we sped away from town. Rejoiced in the thought that for two days at any rate we were free men. We had no ties. We could go where we wanted. We could stay where we wanted. We could eat where we wanted and we could drink where we wanted. We 15

were free. It’s a glorious sense of freedom. If you haven’t tried it, take my' advice and try it at once. Leaving the bus at Penistone we made our way, via Thurlstone, to the well-known Flouch Inn. This was the real start for our hike. In front of us rose the stately heights of Midhope Moors. We took the little field path, across from the inn, which leads to a bridge over the head of the first of the Langsett reservoirs, and then set about our stiff climb. Mickleden Edge was traversed in safety, and brought us to the swampy CutGate. This is a channel, wide enough for several carts to pass in comfort, cut across the very top of the range in order that the salt miners of Cheshire might transport their salt to Yorkshire. I do not know when the last cart passed over, but for many years it has been little better than a huge bog. A place where stout tramping boots are really required. A rapid descent brought us to Slippery-Stones and a view of the higher reaches of the River Derwent. We were now in a hollow, practically surrounded by mountains rising to 1,500 or 1,600ft., and “ J.T.” sat and drank it in. It was useless, I simply had to wait and let him have his fill. At last we were ready to move off, and selected the path down the left-hand side of the beautiful Derwent Dale. Two reasons prompted my choice of this path. Firstly, because it is strictly reserved for pedestrians, and, secondly, because it is one and a-half miles shorter. The afternoon was taken up in slowly ambling along the side of the reservoirs, which, with the afternoon sun playing across them, could easily have been mistaken for a piece of Lakeland. Early evening found us at Ashopton, our proposed resting place for the night. I quickly sought out the house of Mrs. Hubbard, who, unlike her namesake, always has a very well-stocked cupboard. We fed well and booked our accommodation for the night. Not being too interested in a very liberal supply of feminine periodicals, we decided to visit the local hostelry and listen to the village news. A great idea. Don’t forget to try it. Sunday morning, after a breakfast which taxed my eating capacity, found us with our faces turned homewards across Strines Moor. Although the day’s walk consisted of sixteen miles of second-class roads, the natural surroundings were so pleasing that it was no ordinary trudge. We arrived back in Penistone in the late afternoon, a little tired but perfectly happy and contented. To those who wish to sample the joys of the open road, I can confi dentially recommend this circular tour as an easy start. JOSEF. ADVICE TO ORGANISERS. “ Experience is the best teacher, but the fees are too high.” Our goodness is immense; we are helping to save you the fees. If you organise a dance, don’t put up cancelled tickets on notice boards, as advertisements. We did, and a visitor arrived with the cancella tion carefully obliterated, on his ticket. If you put up posters or notices on the notice board borrow a sledge hammer from the smithy to drive home your drawing pins—some folk never bring their own. A notice neatly put up with a drawing pin at each corner is sure to be hanging by one corner in three days’ time. Verb. sap. 16

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HE Editor is always pleased to notice in this column any books emanat ing from the College Staff. We reproduce below a specimen page from the latest, dealing with the subject of classical languages. In our opinion—which is authoritative—the book should be in the hands of all College students, earnest and otherwise; of the former, so that they may understand the classical allusions which will assail their ears from time to time; of the latter, in order that they may be able to cut just that right amount of dash which is so essential to distinguish the real student, anxious to be an ornament to the College portals, from the mere “ comer-in.” Further comment is needless. Buy it and read it. Remember that you can only do this through our columns (coupons or easy payments, which ever preferred). The page shown will be easily understood by the least intellectual of our readers, assisted as he (or she) will be, by the very copious Notes. CLASSICAL KNOWLEDGE. The First Year Student’s Guide to English. New Edition. Compiled with the aid of the best Corridor and Entrancehall authorities. By A. O. J. SENOW. With Introduction by UKROW TWICE, D.Sc. Complete Text with interleaved Translation for the Use of Teachers. Pp. 234 x XIII. 5/-. John Taywardly & Co., Ltd., Huddersfield. Specimen Page. Chap. 2. COMMON PHRASES. 357. We strongly advise both tyro and ingenue, if they desire rapidly to acquire a second-year cachet, to master the very important phrases which follow, since there can be no real progress until this is done. Foreign Phrase. Translation. Note. Labor vincit amor. There is no need to work. 1 Puella est a nice little filly. She is. 2 Th’art a pratty lass. Sure ! You’re some kid. What about it? Come to the pictures, Duckie? J'ai la plume de ma tante. I’ll ask mother. Auf wiedersehen. 1 can’t come if it rains. Choclits. I would like an ice. It’s some picture. The back seats are bestold man. 3 Dilgwr cwrw. The goods. 4 I haven’t a bean. The pater says if he has any more of this nonsense, etc., etc. Notes. (1) An accusative seems indicated here. Lack of it may be related to the past tendency to shorten everything, a tendency less noticeable at present in the feminine gender. (2) The meaning of this phrase is obvious. (3) This passage is very obscure. It may mean that the back seats are more in the dark, and therefore the picture stands out more clearly: or, there is less interruption. Illumination is suggested by some, but rejected as causing too much inconvenience. <4) A Froth-blower’s phrase, ca. 729 B.C. I.e., Druidical Period. 17

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HAT Mrs. Sunderland turned in her grave one Saturday morning owing to the efforts (or should I said effects) of some students in the Mechanical Lab. [No Geo'rgie, Mrs. Sunderland’s rotation had nothing to do with the smell from the drains; that was due to the hooligans in the Cherny Dept.] That the youth who tried to sell a complimentary ticket for the Trades Exhibition is “ doing well, but not out of bed.” That this youth’s rashness is the cause of the absence of the army of nurses who came to Tec last term on Monday and Friday mornings. That another member of the staff is getting false teeth. We hope they fit better than someone else’s we could mention. That some student or students unknown have wilfully borrowed a book from the New Maths Library. That it takes 20,000 people shouting at the top of their voices to produce sufficient energy to light an electric lamp. Then perhaps the second year engineers are really trying to light the lamp of knowledge. That push-penny has superceded ping-pong as the indoor recreation of the elite. That some persons who only started Tec’ last September saw St.. Paul’s from the Tec’ windows for the first time a few weeks ago. That a vote of thanks is to be made to the Education Committee and all concerned, not excluding the man with the wash-leather. That smoking is not allowed in the College; and, if not, why do passers-by come in for the special purpose of dropping match stalks and cigarette ends up and down the corridor? That a certain Lecturer does not go to the “ Boot and Shoe ” for petrol. That his profits from singing do not exceed his losses due to thirst. That during a certain thrilling experiment in the Electrical Lab. two students easily beat the “ man in charge ” to the door, chiefly because the “ M.I.C.” ran the wrong way. That the College football team won a match the other week (subject to official confirmation). That the method of giving passes in Matriculation by banging the door and seeing which papers fall on the floor has been abandoned. That selection is now made on the lines of the Irish Sweep draw; this being considered a much fairer method. That there is no truth in the rumour that anyone who has failed three times receives a bye at the fourth attempt. That a member of the Staff is collecting stamps. That another has. asked colleagues interested in white rabbits to meet him with a view to form ing a team for lettuce hunting. That a member of the Engineering Department has joined the Criminal Classes, by means of a motor-car, to the extent of a fine and costs. That someone not unconnected with the Mock Turtle sat for five minutes to have his photograph taken, only to discover that he wasn’t in the picture. PETIT. 18

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It happened on the Blackpool train. My friend, who is a very had stammerer and painfully conscious of his disability, suddenly leaned forward and tapped the big man on the knee. “ Your b-b-b-b-b,” he began, rolling his eyes and tapping his foot on the floor in an effort to speak. The big man smiled patronisingly. “ Now take it slowly,” he said. My friend gulped. “ Yes, b-but your b-b-b-.” Again the big man interrupted him. “ No hurry, old chap,” he said, winking at me. “ Never mind the other people in the carriage. Take a deep breath and ”----- Crash ! His words ended in a howl of pain as his bag overbalanced off the rack and struck him squarely on the head. “ He tried hard to warn you, mister,” said one passenger, after the .laughter had somewhat subsided. TECITE. (By kind permission of the “ Manchester Guardian.” )

V m o ic a tio n A t a recent meeting someone said that the mind o f the average engineer at H . T.C. could find no enthusiasm for College activities with the possible exception o f dances.

Whence comes this view, Oh Toiler in the Depths, that you Disdain to honour with your glance All unconnected with the dance? Now who would say That deep beneath you, kept at bay, Below your calculations by the score, Lie hidden dreams of Terpsichore? I’ve heard it said, A chappie by the name of Fred, On days when discipline is lax Is heard to murmur on the sax ! 0 Men of Might, How undeserved, how cruel, this blight; For once you saved the College name, You triumphed in a Soccer game ! J.M.J.Q. “ TECHNICAL” TERMS. C.E.—Criminal Engineer. 1.0. M.—Independent Order of Mechanics. 1.0. W.—Independent Order of Women. An attractive Fruit Salad. (See page 24). 19

Si a ll IS'otes We learn with regret that Mr. N. Booth has left the Textile Depart ment of the College. He has accepted an industrial appointment, and our best wishes go with him. His successor is Mr. G. Marshall, to whom we extend a hearty welcome. Our congratulations to:— Dr. J. Walker, M.A., recently awarded a Doctorate in Philosophy for his work in historical research. Dr. H. H. Hodgson, re-elected to the Council of the Institute of Chemistry for a further three years. Dr. Hodgson was a member of the Council from 1927 to 1930, then retiring according to rule. Dr. Hodgson is also awarded the Research Medal of the Society of Dyers and Colourists for a second time, a bar now being added to his present medal. Mr. C. B. Brook, who has in the past year become an Associate Mem ber of the Institution of Electrical Engineers. Mademoiselle Dejardin, who has received from the French Govern ment, in recognition of her services as French Reader at the Technical College, the decoration of the “ Palmes Academique,” with the grade of “ Officier d’Academie.” The decoration is in the form of two crossed laurel branches, and is worn with purple ribbon. Mr. D. D. Stockley, who was a member of our Engineering Staff a few years ago, has recently been appointed head of the Engineering Department at the London C.C. School of Engineering and Navigation at Poplar. TEA. Rumour, notoriously a lying jade, has formerly had it that the Staff of the College were not a particularly sociable crowd. That surely is disposed of, now that Staff tea fights are the order of the day. No fewer than, three have taken place in the past few months. So if students, quietly par taking of the cup that cheers in the Refectory, have heard an unusual clinking of tea cups and other sounds of devilry-sorry ! revelry—from the adjacent room, they may know that it was occasioned by the ladies of the staff enter taining the gentlemen to tea, or a select group of departmental heads sharing a portion of their surplus wealth with their humbler brethren.

With deep regret we announce the death, after a blameless life of service, of our cousin, on the Staff of the Biology Department, Hilary Terrapin, the Mock Tortoise. He was slain by a rat. R.I.P. (which means, as the schoolboy put it, Return If Possible). Anxiety is felt for the safety of the other members of the staff of the Department. 20

Old Sfmdenis

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THE RE-UNION. The annual re-union of the O.S.U. was held on Friday, January 6th, in the Y.W.C.A. Rooms. There was not the usual good attendance, but the function was one of the most enjoyable we remember. Several old students came along whom we have not had with us for many years. In the absence of Mr. and Mrs. Hudson, Kathleen C. Brown and Colin J. Schofield acted as host and hostess. Mr. Cyril Shore, with his accustomed good nature, played for dancing. EASTER EXCURSION. It is hoped that the Easter Monday Excursion will be as enjoyable this year as it was last, when the never-to-be-forgotten outing to Derwent Chapel took place. A much less ambitious programme is contemplated, and present students interested are invited to join. The outing will take the whole day, and the ramblers will meet as usual at Huddersfield Railway Station about nine ■o’clock. Those joining the party are asked to bring provisions for two meals. We shall be able to obtain tea on the route. Names may be sent in to Constance E. Armitage, Kathleen C. Brown (Hon. Secretary), or J. Colin Schofield (Textile Department). CONGRATULATIONS TO— Terence Broadley, B.A., and Peggy Ward, on their new appointments. Florence Tattersall (formerly on the “ Mock Turtle” staff) appointed to the staff of “ Queue.” <3. F. Quarmby, A.R.C.A., appointed H.M. Art inspector in the North of England. N. L. Jaggar, Deputy Borough Engineer for Lancaster. F. A. L. Charlesworth, awarded a Doctorate in Philosophy, and now Lecturer in English in Stockholm. H. V. France, who has secured his A.I.C. A. Kershaw, B.Sc., A.I.C., Ph.D., Research Chemist, British Dyestuffs Cor poration Our best wishes go with Philip K. Robinson and Florence Gregson in com mencing their careers on the professional stage. Earlier appointments in the past year, which we have not previously published, are:— C. Robins, B.Sc., Research Chemist to the Fine Cotton Spinners’ and Doublers’ Association. F. A. Stott, B.Sc., Bradford Corporation Tramways. G. W. Sutcliffe, B.Sc., Assistant Master, Holmfirth Secondary School. Margaret Dixon, Art Mistress, Royal Orphanage School, Wolverhampton. Marjorie W. Singleton, Art Mistress, High School, Halifax. Marjorie Parkin, Art Mistress, Garw Secondary School, South Wales. 21

THE SKETCH CLUB. The Sketch Club has again had a successful year. The monthly meet ings have been well attended and the work has been of a good quality. Although we were sorry to lose Mr. Gauld, he has a very able and enthusiastic successor in Mr. Carrington. The annual dance was a great social success in spite of many counter attractions. A novel and very enjoyable feature was an exhibition dance by Miss Winifred Dickie. The exhibition was not so large as in the previous year, many old students being unable to send work. The general standard, however, was high. The plays were well received, being “ The Elopement,” by Ronald jeans, and “ Life and Jane,” by Miss N. Burrows, who is a member of the club, and to whom we are very grateful. Also many thanks to all those who have in any way helped the club during the past year. C. R. NAPIER. ASSOCIATION FOOTBALL CLUB. The College Football Club has been in progress throughout the whole of the season, and although some of the match results leave something to be desired, many enjoyable Saturday afternoons have been spent. We should also be very pleased if there were more enthusiasts for next season. DRAMATIC SOCIETY. This session has been the busiest on record for the Dramatic Society, for in addition to working hard on a play for the end of term, we have also been engaged on several one-act plays, and have accepted many invitations to produce these outside the College. For the “ Poppy ” Day ” Social in November a sketch, “ Unnecessary Rewards,” and a short comedy, “ A Little Fowl Play,” were given, and these were later played to the Mazdazan Society in the Temperance Hall and at a Y.M.C.A. concert at Round Hill. In January the Society gave a series of four one-act plays, a report on which appears elsewhere in this magazine. The last venture this session will be a production of Ian Hay’s and P. G. Wodehouse’s play, “ A Damsel in Distress,” which had a very successful run at the New Theatre, London, two years ago. I should like to take this opportunity of soliciting the support of members of the College at our productions. It is rather disheartening to find the greater proportion of the audience consisting of outsiders. LEO LAWSON, Hon. Secretary and Treasurer. STOP PRESS. It is freezing hard. A member of the Staff went to Leeds yesterday and “ picked up ” a motor-car. He forgot that water freezes at 32 degrees F. and blew up the radiator to-day. No flowers, by request. He isn’t dead yet. 22

CRICKET CLUB. The Cricket Club is still an active organisation in spite of the absence of a ground of its own. We intend to institute a civil disobedience campaign this summer, as was foreshadowed at the prize distribution by a colleague, and to pitch our wickets for our home matches in Peel Street as a last resort. Joking apart, however, we are hoping to have another good season, and negotiations are taking place to rent the Y.M.C.A. ground at Laund Hill for our home matches and for practice. The subscription remains at 2/-. Any members of the College, staff or students, day or evening, are heartily invited to join the club. Besides Saturday fixtures, we hope to arrange a Staff v. Students’ match, at least one College inter-departmental match, and several other evening fixtures. H. CLAY, Hon. Secretary.

MIXED HOCKEY CLUB. There is very little to add to the notes which appeared in the Christ mas number. The “ double ” has been effected on several occasions, but we must record one memorable match when we were defeated at home for the first time during the last two seasons by South Bradford, who won by the odd goal in nine. The weather has been against us for the last few matches, but those which have been postponed have been arranged for other dates later in the season. Players have been scarce on a few occasions, on account of illness or inconvenient times of travelling, but we have been able to record quite a successful list up to the present. Will students please note that the Hockey Club will hold a dance on March 21 st. The fixture list is appended, the summary being:— Played 21, Won 14, Lost 5, Drawn 2. Goals for 118, Goals against 45. 1930. ■Oct. 4—Walton ,, 11— Leeds School of Art .. 18— Pudsey ....................... .. 25—Stairfoot ................ Nov. 1—Ovenden .................. „ 8— St. Wilfred’s ............ „ 15—Hopkinson's .......... „ 22—Eccleshill .................. „ 29—Thurlstone ............... Dec. 6— Batley Tech ,, 13— Storthes Hall .......... „ 20—St. Wilfred’s .......... „ 27— Leodonians.................

1931. away Lost 3— 5 Jan. 3— Leodonians.................... away Won 5— 1 „ 10—Honley ......................... away L 2—4 „ 17—Batley Tech................ away L 2—4 „ 24—South Bradford ......... home W 6— 1 „ 31—Thurlstone.................... home W 3—2Feb. 7—Storthes Hall ................. away W 7— 5 „ 14—Ovenden .................... away L 2—3 „ 21—Hopkinson’s ............. away D 1— 1 „ 28—South Bradford ......... home W 12—0 Mar. 7— H o n le y ......................... away W 6— 3 „ 14—P u d se y ......................... away W 3—2 „ 21—Eccleshill ................... away W 16—0 ,, 28—W a lto n ........................ Apr. 1 1—Hopkinson’s ........... ,. 18—Leeds School of Art

home away away home home away away home away home home home home home home

W 8— 1 D 3 3 W 3—0 L 4— 5 W 6—0 W 12—3 W 7—3 Postponed Postponed W 7— I

SKETCHING AND SKETCHES. On February 27th-28th the Sketch Club held their exhibition and presented two plays. The former contained excellent competition work. Architectural drawings for a theatre and a cottage and cotton print designs were noteworthy. From the paucity of landscape work, apart from a little black and white, we gather that the Club lives mainly indoors. The first play, “ The Elopement,” was extremely funny, but the sort of thing one can only do once. It relied for its humour on the discrepancy between words and actions, and the presence of an “ effects ” man, the scene being a studio from which the play is being broadcast. The conclusion is a fair sample: “ Kiss me, Cyril,” says the heroine to the microphone, in tones of rapturous contentment; but Cyril has gone, having said his part, and the kiss is provided by the “ effects ” man, on the back of his own hand. The acting was competent all round. “ Life and Jane ” followed, and had an added interest in being the work of a student, Norah Burrows, who also played the lead, Jane, with ability. The play itself was a creditable piece of work. The girl, Jane, is “ fed up ” with the attentions of male admirers of the all too common type who either are, or think it necessary to pose as, brainless idiots when talking to a young woman. She escapes by posing as the sort of idiot that does not attract them—a would-be poetess with “ a mission ” and ridiculous attire. In this way, as an undisturbed observer of life, she is able to spot the right man—this part was not too convincing—and, having prepared the ground, to hook him by becoming normal once more. The moral, we gather, is that all girls are out for a catch; but the wiser take steps to see what they are catch ing before landing it. Miss Burrows was rather let down by some of the others in the cast, primarily because they did not know their parts. It is so often necessary to emphasise to College players that only great actors can “ gag ” and get away with it—and they do not need to. O. CETUIT. Our distinguished critic, Shwannen Naffer, is not wholly enthusiastic about “ Life and Jane.” He writes:— “ The exposure of the plot in the early stages of the play was a favourite trick of the Greek dramatists, but this, whilst being quite useful in tales of legend where the interest lies not in the plot—which everyone knows —but in the presentation, is useless in a modern play of the ‘ Life and Jane ’ type. To hold the audience in suspense would have been far better, instead of which the latter part of the play was very boring.” He also suggests that there are obvious borrowings from Shaw’s “ The Philanderer.”—Ed. An Arab came to With a donkey But he would not For he had too

the river side bearing an obelisk; try to ford the tide good an *. —“ Boston Globe.” Fruit S a l a d ........................ A Date with a Peach. 24

W o u l d y o u lik e to b e a IV trn e r? *

, f \ N Thursday, February 12th, the Chemical Society, by kind permission U ) of the owners, visited the pit of Messrs. Fountain and Burnley at ^ ' Wooley. Some members must have found the outward journey by private bus rather dry; or, may be, they had heard that the pit was a dry one. Any way, the bottle was soon in evidence and was freely passed round. We changed our clothes in the Miners’ Welfare Institute, and were asked to search ourselves for matches, cigarettes, tab-ends, etc. After this we were each given a miner’s lamp and taken to the pit-head. We watched the cage “ drop ” at such an enormous speed that 1 wondered if it would not be better for my stomach to go down in a hand-stand position. We crowded in, the gates were shut, and the bell rang. We were off. My first thought was that I had dropped straight through the bottom of the cage. Thank heaven it was not so. I looked around and saw that the others were still there. After this the downward journey became very pleasant, until after a time I thought that we were going up again, but at last we landed at the bottom with a clatter. We were now a quarter of a mile below the surface. As we emerged from the cage we entered a large chamber with a domed roof. It was well lighted with electric lights and looked more like a railway siding than a coal pit. Looking around we could see dark tunnels leading away in many directions. Our guide, after giving us a warning to mind our heads, led us off along one of these. We stumbled on stooping for nearly two miles until at last we arrived at the coal face. The entrance to the coal face was a low gap in the wall, barely a yard in height. From this low opening, a gallery, of equal height, ran for a dis tance of 120 yards into the earth. Along this low tunnel, spaced at regular intervals, men were getting coal. I bent low and gazed into the gap. A sight which might easily have belonged to some strange world of fiction met my eyes. The pitch-darkness was broken only by a long chain of miners’ lamps which faded away in the distance. The miners were working in a crouching position on their knees with their backs up against the roof. Imagine yourself working in a room only a yard high. The only clothing which they wore consisted of a pair of trousers and a pair of clogs. When they wished to move about they did so on “ all-fours,” with their lamp slung round their neck on a thong. We left the face-workers, and visited the pony-stables and the various haulage and power-houses. At last we were in the cage, being rushed up wards towards the daylight. It was a great relief when we stepped out on to the earth’s surface again and found that we were all safe. After alighting, we discovered, to our pleasant surprise, a substantial tea waiting for us. After tea we received the most unexpected news of the day. The motor coach would not start. The starting handle was lost. Another was telephoned for and was expected in a few minutes. It actually arrived two hours later, at 8 o’clock, and we boarded it. After a very noisy passage through many small villages we arrived back safely at 8-45. JOSEF. 25

SWIMMING CLUB NOTES. Once more we are at the beginning of another swimming season. The baths re-open at Easter, and we hope to see a good number of students and members of the staff in the water this year. The club hours are:—Monday, 12 to 2 p.m. and 4 to 7 p.m. Club cards may be obtained from Mr. H. Graham, Gymnasium; Mr. A. Bell, Office; Mr. B. Mettrick, Textile Dept. Members must show cards to the ticket clerk at the time of admission to the baths. Club costumes may be obtained from Messrs. Nicholson’s, Kirkgate, or from the Hon. Secretary. These are specially made with the College colours woven in. Swimming is an exercise suitable for young and old of both sexes. It improves digestion, toughens the body, makes one graceful, increases lung capacity and provides the best all-round exercise, without much rise in blood pressure or pulse rate. Learning to Swim. This should be treated as an individual problem. Some pick up the back stroke, others even the crawl, side stroke or trudgeon in the quickest time. The first point is that confidence must be established. Get the head under water to help to banish the timid feeling. Some people are lighter than water (but not many in fresh water). Whether this be the case or not, try floating first. Tuck the toes under the side pipes, arch the back, stiffen out the body, arms by the side, then let go, and at the same time flutter the hands and feet. Do not be afraid of the water washing over the face, breathe naturally, and you will find yourself making progress on the top of the water. No matter which stroke is next decided upon, remember progress must be through the water, not away from it. Keep the body straight, make smooth, easy strokes, and do not jerk, otherwise the head will sink. Personally 1 advise the side stroke as a good style for beginners. It is easy to learn, fairly fast, and does not tire the swimmer so much as the breast stroke, which, in my opinion, is the most difficult stroke to do correctly, and is not very fast or practical. Side Stroke. The kick is the important effort in this style. It is used in both side and trudgeon strokes, and from it are developed the crawl and back stroke kick. It may be practised at the edge of the bath. 1. —Hold the pipe with one hand and brace the other against side of bath. 2. —Straighten the arms, keeping the body sideways with lower shoulder and ear in the water; then find your floating balance. 3. —Open the legs, flexing the upper leg to nearly a right angle from hip to knee, the lower leg being almost straight and in line with body, with the toes pointed. 4. —Straighten both knees with a strong kick, bringing both legs together like a pair of shears, knees straight, toes pointed and ankles together. Do not cross legs. The recovery or opening movement should be slow and smooth, and the back kept arched. When the timing of the kick has been mastered, try the arm and kick strokes together. Arm Stroke. As the legs snap together, push the lower arm forward as close to the body as possible. At the same time the upper arm is brought to the hip with the elbow bent and close to body. Allow the body to glide without much resistance before starting the kick. As the legs are opened, the lower arm sweeps down to a position below the shoulder, and the upper arm is dipped in, close to the head. Beginners should keep both arms under water, and time the strokes with an even rhythm. OTTER 26

AT THE PLAY. “ Tw as a dark and stormy n igh t-----------------Such a night was that of January 31st, when the Technical College Dramatic Society entertained us with four one-act plays. The curtain was timed to go up at 7-15 p.m., and after much agitation on the part of the carpenters and electricians the curtain rose—at 7-30. Besides the confusion at the front of the hall there was much rattling of crockery at the back. We watched piles of cups and saucers appearing and disappearing; then we heard a rumour that we were going to have coffee and biscuits at the interval; then we heard that we weren’t going to have coffee, then that we were, and so on, until the curtain rose and distracted our atten tion from the coffee problem. The first of the plays, “ The 111 Aunt,” was the highly amusing result of a word-for-word translation of the French farce, “ Grand Guignol.” The dialogue reminded us of our own early efforts in the French language. Mr. Lloyd N. Scott was rather a timidly murderous nephew, but Mr. Leo Lawson took the part of the doctor with vim and vivacity, and Miss Kathleen Stevens was a very convincing invalid aunt. She really did look ill, and there was talk of a temperature of less than 55 degrees F. “ Personally or By Letter ” was a short comedy in which Miss Kathleen Lockwood took the part of Marjorie extremely well. Mr. Clifford Scott made Bill rather too much of the man of the world, but Miss Kathleen Stevens and Mr. Lloyd N. Scott were both very amusing as the much married landlady and landlord. It was at this point in the proceedings that the coffee and biscuits were served, and the collection was taken. Evidently there was something very amusing about the coffee, as the people who were dispensing it at the back of the hall appeared to be sharing some great joke. Owing to a shortage of cups the coffee was served in relays, and the female helpers were having to rush down to wash the cups between each serving. However, it was very enjoyable, and we were fortified against the nervous strain of the next play— a thriller. “ Banquo’s Chair ” showed us the plot of a retired detective to force a confession from a murderer by arranging for a ghost to appear when the lights failed. Most of the action took place in semi-darkness, and the con fession was very realistically and effectively made by Mr. Clifford Scott, the murderer. The last play was a cheerful farce, “ A Little Fowl Play,” with Mr. Leo Lawson as the impecunious novelist who, when his own larder was empty, cooked the chicken intended for his neighbour, and even audaciously invited that neighbour to partake of his own chicken. It was altogether a very enjoyable evening, and we are looking for ward to the next production of our Dramatic Society. SPRING IS COMING. Stranger, if you must some day pass Through field and wood a-gobbling food, Pray do not ape the silly ass Who leaves his cans and pots and pans Upon the green and pleasant grass !

STUDENT CHRISTIAN MOVEMENT. During this term the Student Christian Movement has invaded Hud dersfield. Student representatives have given addresses in the churches and chapels of the town, and to other organisations, and finally an attempt has been successfully made to revive the College Christian Union. In order that the matter might be considered a representative group of students entertained Mr. Christopher Storrs-Fox (Jesus College, Cambridge), Inter-collegiate Sec retary for Liverpool, and Mr. Arnold Nash (Liverpool University), the Princi pal, and a few members of the staff to tea. Mr. Storrs-Fox outlined the work of the Movement from its foundation by the Cambridge Seven down to the present time, and was followed by Mr. Nash. A very interesting discus sion took place, when student representatives from Arts, Science, Commerce, Engineering, Textile, Dyeing, Domestic Economy and the School of Art con sidered the possibility of reviving the College Union, which was discontinued two sessions ago. After amusing if overwhelming bursts of eloquence by the Textile and Engineering Intelligentsia, a “ mere member of the Staff ” dared to rise and put" forth a" spirited and much appreciated defence of the poor downtrodden “ average ” student of the College. Finally it was decided to make another effort to revive the Movement in the College, the meetings to be held monthly, and preceded by tea, in order that students may become better acquainted with each other. The first meeting took place on February 27th, when Mr. Nash intro duced what proved to be a spirited discussion on “ Science, Religion and the Bible.” Appreciative thanks were passed to those who had been responsible for the preparation of tea—Margaret L. Holden, Mary Smith, Mary Sykes, Miss Mann—and to the Bakery Students who provided very acceptable con fectionery for the repast. A Committee has been elected, and has met Mr. Kilburn, the Travelling Secretary for the Movement in this country. Further meetings are being arranged, and all students and members of the staff are cordially invited. A NEW ORDER OF MERIT. In recognition of the heroic and dumbfounding deeds so often per formed in the College, and which have hitherto been accorded no suitable recognition, The Mock Turtle has decided to institute the award of The Turtle Bladder (with spots on). On all ceremonial occasions holders will be entitled to carry before them a spotted bladder on a stick. We shall be glad to have suitable acts of heroism brought to our notice . The first holder is Mr. J. M. J. Q---------y, who, having pinched a fellow student's overcoat, and while wearing it, commiserated with his victim on the theft, the lack of suitable cloakroom arrangements in the college, and the type of person his lot was cast amongst. (He found the other chap’s name in the overcoat next morning). Honourable mention is accorded to the press photographer (not from the Mock Turtle staff) who came into the office and demanded to see Mrs. Sunderland. Being told it was impossible, he wanted to know where she was! He was advised that he would probably find her with Carl Rosa ! 28

ARE YOU TENNIS COURTING THIS YEAR? Take your Sorrows to

EMMERSON’S Tel. No. 1371.

BROOK’S YARD, MARKET STREET.

CRICKET? Does your bat suffer from Split Splice, Rubberless Handle, or Acute Senile Decay? Remedy as Before. If you want to shoot the wife. Then buy our guns and things; If you lead a Golfing Life You’ll think our balls have wings.

We sell Mah-Jhong and Tiddley-winks, Halma Sets and Dices, Draughts and Chess for him who thinks, Cards and other Vices.

N.B.—We Sell EVERYTHING for INDOOR and OUTDOOR GAMES except BEER and CHEWING GUM—and Mr. Emmerson DOESN’T CHEW GUM.

Sm ith, Hod ((o n A Oo. (Printers) Ltd., P e rk Bow, Brifhouae.

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