iCoach Issue 14: Authenticity by iCoachNetwork

IN THIS ISSUE... COVER STORY: Sharing My Story ... Ali Shanti

The Formula for Authenticity ... Stacy Nelson

Authenticity Can Become Very Powerful for You ... Phil Goddard

Embody Your Soul Truth and Return To Wholeness ... Marilyn Rodriguez

What if Authenticity Were a Necessity, Not A Priviledge ... Monica Day

Four-Year Olds, Four-Legged Coaches ... Karen Davis

The Real Problem With The Question ‘Who Do You Want To Serve?’ ... Amir Karkouti

The High Road is Over-Rated: Authenticity And The Messy Reality ... Wendy Costa

A couple of FYI’s... Yes, it’s the small print! First off - none of the articles in this magazine, including the cover, were paid for. This is not and will never be a Pay-To-Pay because I am dedicated to supporting our membership first by promoting their awesomeness and to our readership second by delivering the best content we can. The advertisements on the other hand are either paid for by our sponsors or are affiliate links that will help offset the expense of publishing this monthly Magazine so we can keep it as free and easily distributable. If you have any comments or concerns, please contact our team at Info@iCoachNetwork.com

Being Together ‘Is it okay that we publish a cover of our magazine with Ali in a bra?’ I ask Marilyn on the phone. We pause, exploring our own thoughts as we breathe into our intuition... ‘Well, it IS the Authenticity issue right?’     This is all about pushing our boundaries, finding where we’re hiding parts of ourselves and holding back, where we’re pretending to be something other than who we truly are. And let’s face it, Ali is all about brazenly looking into the camera and saying ‘Here I AM’. She lives her life out loud, the successes and the messes. She embodies her truth in the present moment, whether we agree with it or not. You know when I asked Karen, Marilyn and Amir to join me on this project they asked me why I was publishing this magazine and I answered honestly, “To change the face of the coaching industry, to give an outlet for deeper conversations beyond what’s being pushed out to the general market.” They were all in. So is it okay that we publish this picture on the cover? Is it any less or more offensive than Amir’s article this month which lands the ‘F’ bomb every third line? Is it okay that we publish a magazine that might offend people? Might make them unsubscribe?   I’m making a call - publisher’s right. YES. It’s not only all right but I’m ALL IN. Hot damn if we’re going to push the limits let’s push them.

With Love & Light

Stacy Nelson, Founder iCoachNetwork.com

www.iCoachNetwork.com

“If you could see yourself as a problem solver you would get clients faster...”

SHARING MY STORY Recently, I was honored to be invited to speak at Rich Litvin‘s Extraordinary Woman Intensive event.

“Find the problem and get to work on a solution. Otherwise your outreach program will looks like the only real problem is that you need clients.”

Going into my talk, I thought I was there to talk about financial liberation, using credit wisely and living your life now. But as he invited me onto the stage and introduced me, it turned into something entirely more… and different than I had expected. You can catch the talk here. If you’ve followed me at all, you may have noticed I use two different names – Alexis Neely and Ali Shanti. These two are wholly different expressions of all of who I am. Yes, they both live in this body, but they are not the same. Though they are integrating, more and more. Alexis Neely is the bad ass, get-things-done lawyer and business genius who built two million dollar businesses.

And Ali Shanti is the muse, the priestess, the creative and the way I prefer to show up in my personal life, almost all the time these days. By fully stepping into Ali, I was able to break free of the traditional financial advice paradigm and discover what true financial liberation looks like and how it works. (Read more on the evolution of Alexis + Ali here.) Alexis? She never would have been willing to do it. It was way too edgy. I’ve constantly been told that I had to merge the two; I had to become one. What’s this two people thing? It’s so confusing. Stop doing that. Why are you doing that? they said. One well-known coach (David Neagle) even told me I should kill off Alexis Neely altogether. Kill off Alexis Neely, what? Really? That couldn’t be right. And, it wasn’t. Today, there is quit a lot of integration. I have found a way to bring through both Alexis and Ali. But it wasn’t always this way. When in law school I felt a lot of conflict. I didn’t know how to be THIS way (the sexual, spiritual, creative – Ali Shanti) and do the things that Alexis does (coach lawyers and entrepreneurs and build million dollar business). I almost gave up. I serve lawyers and I didn’t think that I could serve them and still be all of me. I tried to be the best law student, the best lawyer, but really, the only thing I could actually be the best at was being me. And being me means showing up fully and freely as all of me. It means sharing exactly what’s happ e n i n g f o r m e a s i t ’ s h a p p e n i n g .

It means sharing my story. All of it. Unvarnished. Unedited. And, often, before it’s really ready. And if you’ve read any of my Facebook posts on my personal profile, you know this is true. But the standard advice that’s out there says Wait until it’s all resolved. Don’t share it when it’s messy. It’s not helpful. Danielle LaPorte says, Don’t share it as it’s happening. But I have to! Brené Brown says, Be vulnerable. But, what you might not have heard Brené say is, don’t be too vulnerable. Sharing too much too soon with the wrong people is what Brené calls floodlighting. (Think of when you shine a floodlight in someone’s eyes and they put their hands up and begin backing away.) At the Emerging Women event in Boulder, after Brené spoke, I left in shame. Oh, the irony! Maybe I have shared too much, too soon, with the wrong people. Maybe I should have kept Ali a secret, hidden away, and never talked about the slutiness, the bankruptcy … the split personalities. Maybe I floodlighted the world, hurt my message. Maybe, I’ve fucked it all up. I’m here with a message of financial liberation, a new perspective on personal finance decisions, and who will ever listen to me now? And, of course that got reinforced back to me by various people who just didn’t get it (because everything we see outside of ourselves is a reflection of our own internal consciousness – Tweet this!).

But what I discovered, standing on Rich’s stage … my truth is that I have to share it as it’s happening. In fact, I made a big error back in 2010 when I first started letting Ali out (and posted about getting married at Burning Man), got some seriously “negative” backlash on my blog and began a long slow descent into hiding out. It turns out that was the major mistake. Not posting too much and over-sharing, but withdrawing and not sharing enough. I have to take a stand for all of us over-sharers and those who would be if we knew it was not only okay, but welcome and right and good, and be the kind of vulnerable, open, honest, direct, messy and raw that might just be floodlighting, because, well, that’s the thing I can be best in the world at. And, so can you. Sharing my story is the reason I am here. Sharing YOUR story is the reason you are here.

Now it’s time to share your story with us, right here in the comments. (Heads-up, if you use the Facebook comments, it’ll post on your Facebook. I didn’t know that and I basically came out as bi-sexual by posting a comment on a friend’s blog. He was coming out to his son and I wanted to share my story of talking about my sexuality with my kids. Little did I know, that comment would be public on my FB wall until a couple hours later when I hopped back on FB and there it was in all its glory. And, I decided to leave it up and commented that I was doing that, even though it was edgy. And, yep, one of the lawyers in my program saw it and she wasn’t scared off. In fact, she welcomed it. Here’s another example of a lawyer who saw more than I was ready for and gave me the best feedback imaginable. So be willing to share more than you think you can.) What is the piece of your story that you’re leaving out? What is it that you don’t want to talk about? The weight? The pleasure? The debt? The failure? The secret desire?

It’s your purpose. And, maybe, THIS is the message I’m actually here to bring. The meta-message And guess what? The right people, the people I’m actually meant to serve? They (you!) are drawn to me as a result of this over-sharing. You don’t feel floodlighted (or if you do, you are strong enough to handle a little bright light and it draws you in closer.)

What is the one thing going on in your life RIGHT NOW that you’re not talking about? Listen in to the part of my talk where I help several audience members discover and share their stories: Listen in to the part of my talk here titled “Your Story Coaching,” where I help several audience members discover and share their stories. Alexis Neely graduated first in her class from Georgetown Law school and after three years in practice at one of the best law firms in the coun-

try, she started her own law practice and grew it into a million dollar a year generating business by creating a new law business model, which she now teaches to other lawyers.

ing the way legal services are provided across the globe, and Eyes Wide Open Life, which teaches financial liberation as a path to sovereignty in the new/emerging economy.

After selling her personal practice in 2008, Alexis became the founder of Family Wealth Planning Institute, which teaches parents how to leave a legacy of real wealth to the people they love and LIFT Foundation Systems, which teaches legal, insurance, financial and tax systems to servicefocused entrepreneurs and those who want to be. She also wrote the bestselling book on legal planning for parents, Wear Clean Underwear.

Alexis is also at work on her next book that will radically transform our relationship with money, debt and credit, titled You Are Not Your Credit Score. She was recognized by Worth Magazine two years in a row as one of the country’s top 100 lawyers and has appeared on the Today Show, Good Morning America, the O’Reilly Factor, Nancy Grace, CNBC’s On the Money, and many other television and radio programs as a legal expert. Alexis lives in Boulder, CO, in community with her two kids, her ex-husband, and her life/business partner.

Today, Alexis focuses her attention as co-founder of New Law Business Model, which is transform-

“Showing up as me released me from the need to have an easy button...”

THE FORMULA FOR AUTHENTICITY “You have to show up more authentic in your marketing and that’s how you’ll build your business” the current guru on the stage shouts out to the crowd of entrepreneurs as they write down furiously in their notebooks “Be Authentic”.

“Being authentic was about surrendering control, allowing yourself to flow in the moment instead of forcing out awesomeness on a schedule.”

Am I the only person confused in the room? What the hell does that mean? And then I realize that it’s not just me that’s confused. Hands go up and people start asking ‘how’. And she starts going into a formula. Seriously, I had no idea there was an easy button for showing up as authentic. Just post 3 times a day on your Facebook page some fantastic quote in a pretty picture and you’ll be you. People will see you and they’ll say, wow, she’s really showing up as authentic. And the sales process? Authentic sales means that you find out where people are in pain, lead them there and let them know that the only way out of that pain is by hiring you, because that’s where their possibilities lie. Amazing right? I never knew that sales could be so empowering and authentic.

There’s more... share your authentic story strategically. There’s this whole other formula that for $997 you can learn to earn money by telling your story. You have to learn how to infuse your story with sales pitches and tag lines and tweetables. It’s more authentic that way you see. Then it really gets good because there is also a better way to write authentically. First rule - use bullet points because no one really reads. Wait... • Use bullet points because no one really reads your prose • Find their pain and point it out to them, preferably with bullet points • Tell them why you’re totally the person to fix everything, that you hold the magic keys to the kingdom, oh and if you’re ever been in drug rehab sprinkle that in to make you seem more believable • Give promises of what they will get, even if they might not get that. People like results. It makes them feel like you’re authentically rooting for their success I find out that if I simply follow these steps I’ll be showing up as me. Authentic. For those of you who didn’t throw up yet and are reading this still, know that I left this conference and never went back. I didn’t know what being authentic really looked like for me but I was SURE it wasn’t any of this. The secret confession though is that for years I subscribed to this type of authenticity. Truth revised and repurposed and filtered.

I felt like there was something wrong. Internally I could feel that this wasn’t quite the right path for me. And it was reflected in by business. I had filled my coaching practice and taught people versions of these systems, disguised as ‘do what you like and be who you are’. These ways of being in the business of coaching as separate from actual coaching. This conference was just when I finally got pissed enough to make a change. To change the need to show up and have people like me. To change the need for approval. To change the need to have easy ‘proven’ systems I could plug and play to build my business. So I left this conference on a mission. I could feel the room soaking in this shallow ass information packaged up as ‘this is how you succeed in the world of transformation’. I watched almost $1 Million of coaching programs and products being sold in that one weekend. I felt the neediness of the crowd, their desperation to write down every word and the anxiety of how they were going to come up with $30,000 to pay for a 100 person group “coaching” program that they must join since it will be the ONLY way they will succeed. I marched home (via my car but the visual’s better marching along right?) and sat down determined to put on my own event, one that gave good deep information, one that didn’t have that speak to sell stuff going on and had heart and passion and did everything against the formulas. It was time to take a stand.

So I planned. I created a beautiful sales page (with bullet points). I launched a free promotional video series. I marketed the hell out of it. And I had a very good business plan of what I would be offering at the event, equating in about $80,000 worth of coaching. I was determined to break the cycle that the coaching industry had become. Then I got on the phone with Rich Litvin for our first conversation. I respected him a great deal, eating up his book The Prosperous Coach, loving how he approached his business... thinking I was already on the same path as he was. I was going to get some pointers to have this maverick event filled. So he listened patiently as I told him how this was going to be so different, how powerful and industry changing this was going to be. Looking back I realize what a jack ass I was being. And he turned up his flame on me pretty high and said the obvious, “Stacy, I hear your passion but you’re not going to fill this event because you’re using all of the formulas you’re trying so hard to take a stand against.” And I think I sucked my breath in so hard that there was none left in the room. He was right. The very formulas I was fighting against were so ingrained in my internal system that in my quest for creating something authentic I used them automatically. And suddenly I felt very lost as the walls of my business crumbled around me.

I felt like I had done EVERYTHING wrong. How could I have been so duped? Such a mindless lamb sucked into mediocrity by the messages I’d been eating. And if taking my stand wasn’t truly authentic, what was? I cancelled the event. I let coaching contracts end. I entertained leaving coaching completely, for if I didn’t know what this authenticity thing was then who was I to show up and coach anyone? I questioned every email I sent, sometimes just not sending them. I started hesitating before posting on Facebook. I didn’t know who to be if I wasn’t being this marketing persona, because I thought I was already being me. I felt broken, a shallow hull of the deep person I imagined that I was. And then something started to change in me. I started sharing my broken-ness. I started sharing my process. I started caring less about being profound and started showing up just as I was in that moment. I stopped holding back my words if something didn’t feel right. I stopped selling and I stopped marketing. I stopped sending emails on a schedule and started writing when I felt like it. I stopped ‘driving traffic‘ or building my list. I stopped caring how many likes or followers I had. I started taking conversations deeper, into the juiciness of life.

I felt out of integrity.

It took a little while for me to really feel okay with this, to take my brain out of the process and just show up. Slowly I started to not let my need to make people like me or buy from me go, one finger of control at a time. I realized that being authentic was about surrendering control, of allowing yourself to flow in the moment instead of forcing out awesomeness on a schedule. It was about letting others see you be out of control, on the floor and about letting others see you where you’re feeling bright and shiny and powerful. It’s about speaking your truth in the moment. The more I shared of the ‘private’ me, the more powerful I started to feel, the less segmented, more whole. The more powerful I started feeling the less stress I felt around creating clients or building my business. Re-filling my practice was something I deeply wanted but the more I showed up in an authentic way, the more I trusted that it would happen. It took a little while for others to really notice the shift. Slowly I noticed that people started responding more on my posts, that I received more and more emails back from my newsletters, and more and more people are contacting me for coaching, even though my expectations of any responses weren’t even really a consideration.

one’, and from the obligation I felt on some level to perform. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still working on it. Daily I discover small facets of me that were buried deep in the recesses of my soul that have yet to fully surface. I still have moments where I would just like someone to tell me what to do next, to give me that next step of the formula. And surrender and control are still concepts I’m in deep experimentation with... how to stay in the flow of who I am, trusting the process. But I know for sure that there’s no formula for being authentic. You’re either just hiding behind a persona or you’re opening up your heart to the experience of life or you’re somewhere in the middle, trying to find your path. Stacy Nelson is the Founder of iCoach Network, an International circle of life coaches coming together to support and inspire each other on a daily basis. Keeping with the theme of ‘As one rises, we lift each other up”, Stacy also publishes this monthly digital magazine for iCoach Network, highlighting the fabulous coaches within the network. Specifically she is a Coach & Trainer helping intuitive entrepreneurs to market with their hearts and tap into their authentic purpose through their businesses.

Showing up as ME released me from the need to have an easy button, from having to follow the path that internet marketers were touting as ‘the

AUTHENTICITY CAN BECOME VERY POWERFUL FOR YOU

When we consider authenticity, most of us think of completely being our true self, being genuine, being real. This is, of course, an important aspect of what it is to be authentic, but authenticity can become much more powerful for you. The etymology of authentic suggests that the word derives from the 14th century, having its roots in the Latin word ‘authenticus’ which means ‘coming from the author’ and also from the Greek ‘authentikos’ meaning ‘one who acts independently’ What this suggests is that to be your authentic can also mean to author yourself. The ability for us to author ourselves, define ourselves, decide who we are and create who we are gives us immense freedom. As a coach I always want my clients to realise this. And to realise it is to ‘make it real.’ In being authentic they do not have to be tied to whom they believe their past has created, their conditioning, upbringing or circumstances, or any of their other beliefs.

We are all free to let go of any aspect of our made-up definition of ourselves, and recreate who we want to be. One of my favourite Birthday Card rhymes is “Forget the past, it’s gone; Forget the future, it’s not here yet; Forget the present, I didn’t get you one” But I like to add “because you already have it!” You already have the present. You only have the present. Now is the only time you can be authentic. This moment right now. And in this moment you decide who you want to be. I’m certainly not an advocate of the ‘fake it ‘til you make it’ idea, because faking it is simply lying to yourself. Being fake is not being authentic. But you can decide who you are, and truly be that person, in any moment. It’s not about pretending. It is about being genuine in your redefinition and truly living you. You can truly answer the question “Who do you want to be?” and be authentic in living as that person.

As a coach, how much of our past and our conditioning do we want to influence who we are? In what ways can we bring ourselves into a coaching relationship as our true selves that will bring most value and serve our clients? I think the answer to this is seeing that we can value everything about us, all of our experiences and fears, and bring them into the moment without any attachment to them defining who we are. We bring our experience, our lessons and our humanity.

ditioned to think we are. We get to the root of who we are without our stories. And really, without our stories, we are most authentic. Phil Goddard coaches whilst travelling around Europe and the US. He is living his life’s purpose, the expansion of love and happiness, and helps people connect deeply with themselves and their capacity to be in love with life. In doing so his clients create a life of effortless passion g u i d e d b y t r u e i n n e r w i s d o m . http://www.philg.com/

We author the story of what we mean to us. And when we author ourselves in such a way that frees us, we’re able to show up liberated from all that we might have learnt or become con-

Authenticity is the journey back to your wholeness.

EMBODY YOUR SOUL TRUTH AND RETURN TO WHOLENESS How you show up determines how your life will flow. YOU are the center of your world and every aspect of your life is an extension of who you are.

“When you allow yourself to get curious about what living as your soul might be like, you start to become aware of all of the places inside of you that are not operating in that vibration ”

The problem is that many people, especially luminary leaders, have struggled with the idea of knowing who they are. They put their lives in compartments and boxes and as a result experience confusion and incongruence. Incongruence is when parts of your life are not aligned or consistent. It may be that you feel you have to show up differently in different situations or that you are struggling to define your role(s). I lived in this for many years. I struggled with my sexuality, cultural roots and my desires. I had no idea how to BE who I wanted to be. And I definitely did not know how to bring it all together. I lived in the question of “Is it possible for me to be all of these 13

parts as ONE?” I lived this way for a long time and it was painful. I belly dance and I struggled with the idea of belly dancing and my career. In my mind, they didn’t fit. I struggled with my hobbies and felt guilty for loving them. I felt that it wasn’t right for me to have these hobbies that seemed so out of alignment with my career. So I felt like I had to keep these separate from one another and as a result, I lost myself. I created mass confusion within and without. Perhaps you are struggling with what it means to be authentic and how to bring all of these parts of you together in a way that is whole and complete. My expertise is in soul work. I help powerful leaders get to the truth of their SOUL so they can BE who they are mean to be and DO what they are meant to do at the absolute highest level. And here is what I have discovered in the process. When you allow yourself to get curious about what living as your SOUL might be like, you start to become aware of all of the places inside of you that are not operating in that vibration. You start to heal and your life changes. Your SOUL is a pure essence that breathes life into you. It is the reason you are alive. It is God. It is the Universe in you. There are no compartments in God and no compartments in the Universe. There is only ONE LOVE. When you look at an infant, there are no compartments. You see one pure soul in its beautiful, tiny, vulnerable body. The difference between you and that infant is the journey in between, the beliefs you have formed and the experiences you have had. Authenticity is the journey back to your wholeness. It means you can be, do and have what-

ever you want and all of it will depend on how you choose to show up. For me, it is not an option to get comfortable with where I am. I am consistently investing in myself to get to deeper truths that lie within me. I want to know the truth of MY soul more and more and more. I want to FEEL the power of my soul vibrating through me. I want to know what it is like to live from the highest place within me. I want to live and breathe my highest calling. The compartments of your life give you clues to who you are meant to be. There is no step by step system or formula for this. It is a journey. Here is a list of insights that I know to be true based on my journey now that I am on the other side of living in compartments. I share them here with you so that you have something tangible to refer to as you continue on your journey to living authentically. ▪ Your role is to decide and get clear on what the highest and most loving and divine version of your life looks like. Based on my journey, what I have witnessed with my clients and the personal research I have done, the highest version is usually clean and simple, easy and flowing. ▪ Remove from your mind the need to prove, judge and be right. A clean mind will always lead you to a higher path. ▪ Be willing to take risks that will propel you to your higher calling. So if moving is part of your higher calling, be with the fear and the reasons why you shouldn’t or can’t move, and then entertain all of the reasons why you can and why it would be good for you. Then, do it. Risks that

stretch you and pull you forward are worth taking. ▪ Pay attention to what truly lights you up and makes you feel whole. See how those moments play out in your life and then get to the deeper meaning of it. It could be that your sex life is calling you to discover inner intimacy with yourself and deep soul connections with others. It could be that your hobby is what you are really meant to be doing in this world. Go to the deeper meaning of what makes you feel alive. ▪ Slow down and stop going so fast. Slow down your mind and slow down how you show up. Make space in your life. Slowing down affords you the opportunity to get to know yourself. Many people have an addiction to “speeding up” because they feel it is what will “get them there”. There is no getting anywhere. This new era of spirituality is about becoming the highest version of yourself. ▪ Give yourself permission to believe in what you believe in. For many years I struggled to own what I knew deep in my soul. You have your own deep soul truths that go beyond the lessons you have learned in this life. Integrate these truths into your life.

no confusion in that. Only certainty, comfort and power that you and others can rely on. Your wholeness affords the opportunity for others to come into your presence and discover the same for themselves. You can do this at home, at the store, with your children, eating dinner, out dancing with friends, within your body of work and in every other area of your life. Every day is an opportunity to show up embodying your SOUL truth. In fact, I suggest that you ask yourself daily how you can show up as the highest and most authentic version of YOU and see what emerges. Marilyn Rodriguez is “The Soul Compass Rose Coach” specializing in guiding thought leaders and visionaries to their TRUE purpose. She has shared the virtual stage with Marianne Williamson, Lisa Nichols and Marci Shimoff as well as other spiritual leaders. A third generation healer, Marilyn discovered her gifts at an early age and continues to transform lives with her gifts. Marilyn is available for one-on-one transformational soul compass rose coaching by application, media interviews and speaking engagements. For more information, contact Marilyn Rodriguez at marilyn@themarilynrodriguez.com or 256-2589357.

▪ If you were to show up right now as the highest version of you, what would that look and feel like? How would that be different than right now? The answer to this is the path to turn towards on your journey to living in your authentic and powerful vibration. The feeling of being ONE, authentic and whole creates a force field within you that permeates everything and every one around you. There is

WHAT IF AUTHENTICITY WERE A NECESSITY, NOT A PRIVILEGE?

Comedian Louis C.K. has a brilliant bit on why he believes humans are actually aliens. His supporting evidence for this is the fact that we are so uncomfortable here on the planet. We create soft beds in climate-controlled houses, eat packaged foods, drive fast cars – and these perceived “needs” pit us against nature, rather than finding our comfort in ways that work with nature.

I was hungry to find a different expression of the self in this primal aspect of life. To locate an authentic voice that rang out with clarity, conviction, desire, audacity – and absolute ease. A voice that told the truth. A voice that had power. A voice that was unique to each person, even when there were similarities in life story, circumstances, feelings, and emotions.

The same can be said for “authenticity.” By definition, it should feel natural for us to be authentic. So why is it so damned hard? And how can we make it easier?

And yet, I was playing in a field of fire. Sensuality and sexuality is mostly shrouded in shame, secrecy, insecurity – and extremely rigid social conditioning. Surely, there are easier places for people to find and practice being their authentic selves.

Part of my journey – as both a coach and as a woman – has been to explore what I call “authentic sensual voice.” I noticed all the ways people identified themselves in the most private, intimate part of their lives – gay, straight, bi, married, single, husband, wife, partner, kinky, celibate – and it all felt somewhat hollow to me. These labels, roles, and relationship statuses don’t say much about who we really are. And yet, it is the extent of what most people share about themselves – or are willing to hear from others.

There might be. But I quickly discovered, that when you can be authentic in a taboo area, you can be authentic anywhere, about anything. Most people reach for authenticity the way they might reach for salt on the table – as something that might enhance an experience. They view authenticity as a choice they might make in certain circumstances, but not in others. They as16 sess the risk, compare it to the benefit, and de-

cide whether or not to be “authentic” in each moment. Authenticity becomes a privilege, not a necessity.

other area of your life as well. And you start to feel like you belong here – on this planet, in your body, in your life.

But this isn’t what our soul wants. It isn’t what our heart wants. And it isn’t what makes us happy. Comfortable, maybe. But not deeply fulfilled. Not, as Louis C.K. might say, as if we belong in our bodies.

From there, anything is possible.

So, if you’re looking for the fastest route to authentic expression – for yourself or your clients – I suggest treating it like a necessity, not an option. And then, diving into the deepest water first, not last. Whatever that deep water might be for you or for them. (Hint: I generally look to the big four – sex, money, power, and love – to plunge most people into their deepest waters.) Because when you take the risk to authentically express yourself in the deepest, most private part of your life – you can be authentic in every

Monica Day (www.monicaday.com) has been working with both groups and individuals for over 20 years, as a guide, facilitator, teacher, trainer, mentor, coach, and instigator. She is a gifted writer, inspiring performer, compelling speaker, and transformational workshop leader. Five years ago she founded The Sensual Life (www.thesensuallife.com) as a place where people can explore, express, and experience their sensual selves. Then, she combined that area of expertise with her 20+ years of business and entrepreneurial experience to establish a revolutionary, integrated coaching experience that leaves nothing out – and helps her clients create lives beyond what they dared dream.

“Before we can be honest with others, we must be brutally honest with ourselves.”

FOUR-YEAR-OLDS, FOUR-LEGGED COACHES

“What is under my control today, however, is how I choose to use my history, what wisdom I glean from my own personal saga and how I openly express my real personality from this present day forward.”

“It is naive to think that self-assertiveness is easy. To live selfassertively--which means to live authentically--is an act of high courage. That is why so many people spend the better part of their lives in hiding--from others and also from themselves.”  ― Nathaniel Branden As I reflected on the virtues of living authentically, I am reminded of a time when to do so did not take an act of incredible courage. There I was: a precocious 4-year-old full of curiosity, playfulness and truth–skipping joyfully down the sidewalk of life. But then, over time, inevitably shyness, self-consciousness and fear began to creep in. Then, the assessments from others whose opinions I trusted further cloaked my once-uncluttered view. It seems like I’ve spent a lifetime yearning to return to the honesty, purity and authenticity of that 4-year old girl. Years later, I was hosting a dinner party for another couple and their daughters. The youngest of the two, 4-year old Lilly, reminded me a lot of myself when I was her age. I had spent the 18

day carefully preparing my signature Shrimp Jambalaya recipe and we all sat down for a white tablecloth-dinner. Lilly took a tentative bite and then peered around at everyone else eating. Her older sister was diligently pushing the food around on her plate. As we neared a lull in the conversation, Lilly spoke up clearly and said, “This is the worst dinner ever, don’t you think?”. Instantly, the room fell silent, her parent’s faces turned bright red, and all eyes were upon me. In that moment, I saw in Lilly the reflection of me, and my affectation. I burst out laughing, almost falling off my chair. Everyone else started laughing too and I headed for the kitchen to pull out the pedestrian, but greatly-appreciated hot dogs. Once I had kids of my own, I was once again able to witness the purity and authenticity we possess as children. And yet, it wasn’t until my kids were teenagers that my own inner consciousness began to slowly reawaken. It was a deeply-ingrained fear of abandonment that was creating many limiting beliefs for me. This basic fear of being alone translated into a fear of speaking my truth, being honest with myself, and even sharing my natural gifts. Rigorous Self-Honesty Before we can be honest with others, we must be brutally honest with ourselves. We are innately social creatures and all have an underlying fear of abandonment or fear of rejection operating in the background at some level. Fundamentally, the notion of truly being alone terrifies us. This fear drives us subconsciously and, if left unchecked, can prevent us from taking risks or ever being all that we can be. The problem is

that we’re all afraid that we might stand out socially or, worse yet, be ostracized. Just like you, I can’t rewrite the story of my life, nor can I change the family I was born into. What is under my control today; however, is how I choose to use my history, what wisdom I glean from my own personal saga and how I openly express my real personality from this present day forward. This is a conscious choice and requires utter self-honesty. As professional coach and trusted advisor, I know I can only take my clients as deep and self-reflective as I have gone myself. With that in mind, I’ve been on my own journey of deeplyreflective work since 2006, which has included highly-disciplined daily practices and an intensive 9-day experiential retreat. Along the way, I’ve been fortunate to work with some true thoroughbreds in the industry. That includes a bona fide shaman, my own personal coaches (who have taught me a ton) and a yet another insightful coach who weighs nearly half a ton. A Horse, of Course, Can Teach You a Lot. I’ve found that being coached in the presence of horses by a certified Equine Guided Coach is a wonderful mirror for seeing my authentic-self. Horses are very intuitive creatures and they don’t hold back. According to Ariana Strozzi, an internationallyrecognized pioneer in the field of Equine Guided Education, “Horses can teach us how to respect our inner feelings without blame or judgment. They can teach us how to be honest because they consistently point out our inner incompetence at being truly honest.”

The horse as a teacher will mirror your body language and emotions bringing new insights and self-awareness that can create impactful and lasting change. Horses can help you connect to your inner-child stimulating right-brain thinking and enhancing communication and creativity. I have found my time being coached in the presence of horses to be one of the most profound journeys into my mind, body and soul. Finding Your Way Back to Self-Awareness. Without a shadow of doubt, my life is significantly better since I started on this journey of selfexploration in search of my true self. This is not to say that I still donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t become insecure, self conscious, fear abandonment or display the counterproductive behavior that plagues us all from time to time. This is part of the human condition and what we are here to learn. The difference is that I have an innate sense of well-being, inner wisdom, peace of mind and grace that permeates my life now.

While my friends and family donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t likely have the desire or fortitude to deal with the unfiltered external honesty of a four-year-old on an ongoing basis, they have indeed been enjoying the renewed true-to-who-I-am-on-the-inside me. While it is a lot of work, the rewards are considerable. I highly recommend it! Karen Davis is a certified Ontological Executive Coach working with clients nationally and internationally. She provides one-on-one deep coaching with high-performing executives, entrepreneurs, business professionals, and coaches who are committed to their success, ready to uncover their hidden potential and make their own unique difference in the world. You can reach Karen for a powerful conversation at: 303.665.4301 or learn more by visiting, www.karendaviscoaching.com

THE HIGH ROAD IS OVERRATED: AUTHENTICITY AND THE MESSY REALITY

Authenticity is, without question, the cornerstone of my coaching practice. 100 times out of 100, people are happier when they embrace the concept of being authentic and REAL. I can see the weight being lifted and the color flush back into their faces; relieved that they don’t have to pretend to be something other than themselves. They light up with the possibility of it all…….. MAJOR BREAKTHROUGH!!! Sound the trumpets blaring from the castle’s tower. Launch the streamers and balloons! And then the other shoe drops. The few that are really committed to being more authentic soon discover that doing the dance of authenticity takes courage. a u · t h e n · t i c · i · t y  ˌôTHenˈtisitē/ noun “The degree to which one is true to one's own personality, spirit, or character, despite external pressures.” •genuineness •legitimacy •validity •reliability •dependability •trustworthiness •credibility •accuracy •truth •veracity •fidelity

…and then it gets worse. I have yet to coach someone who hasn’t done some form of inner work. Some call it deep Spiritual work and some call it self-improvement. It doesn’t matter. There is a level of self-awareness. An understanding, at some level, that everyone is doing the best they can in any given moment, including themselves. “We screw up, learn something, get over it and move forward.” I can hear the God’s and the Wise Ones… “AND WITH GREAT SELF-AWARENESS COMES GREAT RESPONSIBILITY!” echo echo echo… ...and this is where things begin to go sideways. The shoulds begin to bubble up like a volcano getting ready to erupt. A constant churning and burning between our head and heart. We know a higher truth, but it doesn’t match our own experience in the moment. What if I am authentically angry, resentful and hurt? What happens when what is real and present is ugly and mean?

Life is authentically messy. Often we dismiss how we are really feeling and jump to how we believe we “should” be feeling. It is called a Spiritual Bypass. It is an easy trap to fall into. (I should know. I spent at least 20 years mastering it. Let’s just say it didn’t go well for me.) Some of the most powerful breakthroughs I have experienced and witnessed are when a client gives full expression to the authentic ugliness that is inside of them ~ past and present. Having the courage to let it rip! ALL OF IT! We create a space that is safe enough for my client to show up in their darkness and say what they don’t dare to say to anyone. We indulge in the blame and the shame. It’s in there anyways. This is where limiting beliefs get crystallized. What better way to undue them than to shine a light in there and let it all out? We know we won’t stay here for long. Pretending that “it’s all good” when it isn’t, is the fastest way to get stuck and the opposite of authenticity.

Magic happens in this space. It’s real, it’s messy and it’s where authenticity is born. My Bio? I have yet to come up with one that feels like an accurate description of who I am and what I do. Credentials? I’ve got em.....The one that has made the biggest impact on me and my practice is a Masters in Spiritual Psychology. Coaching hours? I’ve got a lot of those too. How many people have I served? Many. Does any of that matter? Not really. What matters if if I can help the person in front of me to Reclaim the SELF that has been lost along the way, find their voice and create the life of their dreams. I inspire people to get off their status-quo path and onto one that reflects their gifts and deeper purpose. I am changing the world in a way that is uniquely ME. I invite others to come along for the ride. More at www.mydailyshift.com

“ Skills and tactics should only ENHANCE your true self and not substitute what you’re lacking in authenticity.”

THE PROBLEM WITH THE QUESTION “WHO DO YOU WANT TO SERVE?” I had a brilliant insight during Steve Chandler's Advanced Clients Seminar this past month. I am going to share the story and offer a resolution.

“It’s only when we are in ‘sales’ training, or when we need to score a date that we come from a place of inauthenticity; where we need to fabricate the right way to move or to talk.”

We'll get to the original problem with the question later. I had told two amazing coaches, Phil Goddard and Matt Watkins that I have been feeling like a fraud ever since I wrote my book, “Lessons From My Coach”. The reason is; I am getting accolades and people writing me and telling me that it's really helped them and secretly I don't feel like I deserve it. Now, before you all try to coach me...you see, I already knew what was going on...but Phil and Matt shared something with me that paid for the whole weekend. I am not going to ask for any money even though this little lesson is worth millions. If you understand this little nugget I am about to share, it just might change your outlook on life, business and relationships.

Are you ready? So as I was telling them my quality problem that people are enjoying my book and I sort of feel like a fraud at times...they said something that changed everything. As soon as I heard these 3 sweet little words, I wanted to get down on my knees and kiss the very feet that sang those beautiful words... They listened to me share my problems and as good coaches would do, they sat in silence for a minute as I organized my thoughts and connected to the deepest part of my inner soul. As I was experiencing my fraud-ness and sharing how that was a problem, Both Matt and Phil stopped me for a moment and said... SO FUCKING WHAT! Ahhhh those are such sweet words. And yes it did change everything for me. Here is the problem to the question, “Who do you want to serve?” I guess it's not the actual question, but the answer that comes up when we ask the question. I had realized that when I would ask myself the question, the person I wanted to serve had been...ME Yes I was the person I wanted to serve the most. I was “self serving”. Like going to an ice cream shop. I was filling my cup with self-pity, low self-esteem and a side of sprinkled “everybody should feel bad for me” sauce. SO FUCKING WHAT!

I have noticed most all of the problems that my clients have and I have are not because we are of service of others...it's because we want to be of service to ourselves. This self-serving habit can only create pain. But the antidote is brilliant and easy. I'll show you how it works. Hey Amir, I am a new coach and I have a problem asking people for money because I'm afraid of my new hair cut and because it's about ME, ME. ME! H e r e i s m y a n s w e r .  S O F U C K I N G W H A T !  Shut up and go ask for money and stop making it about you! There is also the deep listening approach which is to sit silent for a moment, nod then connect with them and in your best coaching voice whisper, “so fucking what....” This is simply a matter of preference. We normally don't stop to see how stupid we sound because we are so important most of the time. You don't believe me...Well, I'm a published author, run a multimillion dollar company and I AM IMPORTANT...right? Shut up Amir...SO FUCKING WHAT! Yup...see how easy this is! This is what I call true liberation and freedom. L e t ' s t r y a c o u p l e m o r e .  Amir, I am so scared to talk to the BIG CEO at XYZ Insurance company because of waaa, waaa, waaa and ME, ME, ME!

Or my favorite, “I can't do what you do because my life is hard...Want to know why I have a hard l i f e ? ”  1 ) m e  2 ) m e  3) ME SO FUCKING WHAT! Go out and serve the world, not yourself, you lifesucking, ego-driven maniac! So thank you Phil and Matt, for showing me what really matters when I get into this self-serving ideation of my problems. Change the question to, “Who do you want to serve, outside of your own precious ego, self esteem and self deprecation?” and you'll realize that the only answer left is offering the gift of love and attention to the person in front of you. For some of you who are offended by this post or don't agree... SO FUCKING WHAT! Now share this gift to your family, friends and y o u r m o s t t r u s t e d c l i e n t s .  Have them tell you their deepest darkest secret and have them say out loud with freedom and liberation....SO FUCKING WHAT! In chapter 8 of my book I talk about the strugg l e s I h a d w i t h a d r u g I h a d t a k e n .  Want to know how I got it in the book after weeks of tormenting myself whether I should put it in the book or not.

I stopped myself after rambling in my head whether it belongs in the book and I said to mys e l f …  SO FUCKING WHAT! Yes that’s how I solved the problem. It really works! So when you hear someone telling others about their weaknesses and how it’s stopping them… Gently nudge them on their shoulders and say… SO FUCKING WHAT? And if they don't feel any better at that moment tell them they can say SO FUCKING WHAT TO THAT TOO! SFW for Life! (On a side note, I said SFW to my last client who said she doesn't feel qualified enough to coach the person she wanted to coach. Apparently the man she met had more money than her, and done more in his life than she did...I told her I totally feel for her but…SO FUCKING WHAT? Those three little words got her back to service and she ended up getting a three month contract. She just emailed me two days ago.) One more story. I had a high powered attorney email me after finding me on Facebook and he wanted to go into coaching but he always felt like he wasn't ready to be a coach and went to the ME ME ME place...I quickly shared with him t h e p o w e r o f t h e S O F U C K I N G W H AT technique...he is now asking me how much my coaching is. True story!

So in honor of this beautiful gift that Matt and Phil gave me…what are some problems you can look at straight in the eye…RIGHT NOW and say…SO FUCKING WHAT?

are. At times we can feel like we’ve lost those qualities. I get the pleasure of reminding my clients that they’ve never lost their true idea of themselves and to stop searching for them.

Amir Karkouti realized that coaching is similar to what he does for his father at least twice a month. Every once in a while, Amir’s father spends at least 10 minutes looking for his glasses. He looks and looks and looks, and I show up and remind him that it’s been on his head the whole time. My job as a coach is to remind you how amazing, brilliant and special you

GRAB AMIR’S NEW BOOK! Is it possible to make money as a coach without resorting to discounting, bargaining, internet marketing or sleazy tactics? Is it possible to love enrolling clients as much as coaching clients? Join Amir Karkouti, author of Do NOTHING to Get EVERYTHING, as he explores unorthodox methods to make you become an extraordinary coach and to attract extraordinary clients. This book is meant to not only be informational but more importantly transformational. Whether you are a new coach or have a six figure practice; Lessons From My Coach is a must read! You don't have to be a struggling coach. Find out how in Lessons From My Coach.

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