December 2018

InJoy

A Collaboritave platform for art, encouragement and loving life in the bay

Don’t Stress!

Poetry

Opportunities to show Love and Kindness Small Deeds, Great Love The Spirit of Self Acceptance

Q&A with Jeanie Chaney

Good Energy

InJoy Magazine, December 2018

1

INJOY M A G A Z I N E

...

art, encouragement & loving life in the bay

InJoy magazine is a digital publication distributed monthly.

We feature articles, short stories, poetry, reviews and all around encouragement.

We aim to grow into the largest local publication for women in the region.

All content submitted by local authors.

A new theme featured each month: December: Don't Stress!!

January: Self-Love (gifts over resolutions) February: Life After...

Visit our website for submission information and deadlines. www.injoymagazine.com

InJoy Magazine, December 2018

Layout designed by Keeley Farkas

2

6.....Bounds Green

a poem by Chelsea Harrison

8.....Social Stress = Opportunity to Show Love and Kindness

Popcorn Perspectives on Toxic People

10....Small Deeds, Great Love

Not-Bucket List! Monthly Column by Chelsea Harrison

16.....Stress in Pleasing Others = The Spirit of

Self-Acceptance

18.....Jeanie Chaney

Words of Life, Stress and Time Management

22.....Good Stress = Good Energy

Photograph by Toni Cuenca

InJoy Magazine, December 2018

InJoy Magazine is tryly thankful for the beautiful photographs Unsplash makes available copyright free

3

Life is busy enough...Don’t Stress!

Confession. I’m an overthinker. Sometimes...I worry, ponder, dwell and I fret. Now, don’t get me wrong, it’s not the anxiety type of worry…you know, when you invent things to worry about when your life is actually going well (ha!). This over-thinking mentality, I sometimes lose sight of what’s going on around me.

Because I’m mindful of this I practice (although, not mastered) tricks to help keep me grounded and present. No, it doesn’t always work especially when a feeling is simply overwhelming.

I felt it was appropriate this time of year to focus on stress because this month, more than any other during the year, we have so many things going on we simply cannot afford to expend the energy it takes us to worry and deal with stress itself. There’s just too much. So, this issue is dedicated to help keep you grounded and focused.

Writing the pieces to this issue was difficult for me. I actually felt the stress while considering how to talk about stress. I realized the more I was zoning in and focusing on how to talk about the issue of stress to begin with, the more frustrated I became with it. Then someone says (Keep reading to find out where) they don’t even use the word ‘stress’ because it implies there is something wrong with you. Ah haaaa! Yes, this is going to sound silly, but stress itself is (surprise!) negative. When we’re giving in to those feeling of pressure and inadequacy, what we’re doing is allowing stress and then chalking it up to….oh ‘I’m so stressed out right now’. Like it’s the socially acceptable phrase for allowing negativity.

Yeah, I’m on to you now, stress.

What I’m learning here, ladies, is that stress (in the negative form as we explore further) is giving into feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness. Absorbing it and then (instead of rejecting or exchanging it for a positive truth), we’re internalizing it...‘toughing it out’. Just get through it!

That’s crap!

Photograph by Annie Spratt

InJoy Magazine, December 2018

4

~ ~

What is stress to m e?

Stress is completely universal, we all have it for different reasons and express it in different ways.

We all must realize that everyone experiences pressures for different reasons. So for this issue we’ve gathered some of the most common reasons for stress during the holiday season, and we’re exchanging it for the positive opposite.

~

~

You’ll see the switch symbol which simply means, try refocusing on it’s opposite.

Now, please don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying we should ignore and shut out how we’re feeling.

That too can be destructive. Would I would like to encourage everyone to do this month is to first be aware of your feelings and where they come from…and then zone in on the positive.

Where do these feelings stem from?

For example…for me, stress is feeling inadequate.

Like, I ‘should’ be here (visualize hand raised above my head gesture) but it’s pointed out how I’m here (belly button level). It’s opposite would be believing I can do this and I have what it takes.

Behind in that enviornment gives me the opportunity to grow. Make sense?

Your turn.

What would be it’s opposite?

InJoy Magazine, December 2018

5

Bounds Green

by Chelsea Harrison

The autumn air was crisp like something about to happen and leaves crunched underfoot something you meant to say.

We stood face forward against the winter hand in hand not knowing what the whitewash would bring.

Each seasonal kaleidoscope we learn a new dance write a new book examine the possibilities feathers falling through air I will follow the smoke from your chimney until there is nothing left to burn.

Photograph by Aaron Burden

InJoy Magazine, December 2018

6

Don’t complain about the cold Enjoy the beauty of winter While it lasts

Photograph by Kacper Szczechla

InJoy Magazine, December 2018

7

~

Social Stress

~

Opportunity to

Show Love & Kindness W

e felt that it was important to address the issue of toxic people because more than anytime during the year, we’re forced to deal with them whether we want to or not.

I’m talking about family, and spouses of family. Those people you don’t care to associate yourself with during the year, you just go on with your daily life, and suddenly the holidays are here and the stress surrounding it all. I don’t have a secret and it’s not any easier for me, I promise, But here are some thoughts about how to deal with these people during this time.

Grace and humor. First of all, despite all the pride and confidence we have built within ourselves, we are not any better than your crazy brother in law. He has issues too, only his issues are more prevalent on the sleeve. He causes drama, he instigates fights, always seems to leave things worse than before arrived. Why? Perhaps only a good shrink, or only God could really understand why. The point is, have mercy because someone that crazy is probably dealing with something serious. No, that certainly does not mean you’re the expert and can fix them. But it helps to empathize and recognize that they’re just people too. Normal screwed up unhappy people.

Once you are able to find peace and grace when it comes to dealing with that toxic relative, I encourage you to adopt a little humor into the situation. No, don’t openly laugh at them. Laugh at the irony and ridiculousness of the situation.

Don’t stress and cause a dramatic line. Crack a well-timed joke to bring some lightheartedness into a tense situation.

Smile be gracious, kind and humorous and the toxins just might wash over you.

Crystal’s popcorn perspective advice InJoy Magazine, December 2018

8

T

he Gray Rock Method- If grace and humor are not working and you truly need a break from this toxic person, try the Gray Rock Method. This strategy requires you to make like a rock- in other words, be as boring and unengaged as possible, and hopefully the toxic person will lose interest and take their drama to a more responsive audience. Respond to their dramatic stories or fishing questions with as boring and neutral a response as you can muster. For example, if your toxic person says, “Isn’t “X” driving you crazy? I can’t believe she did “X.” That was so inconsiderate,” your reply could be something like, “It didn’t bother me. I didn’t really think much of it.” Or, if s/he says “Yesterday was horrible. First, X happened, then Y and to top it all off, I got so upset when Z happened. All the worst things always happen to me!,” your reply would be “Oh, that’s too bad.” Remember to keep it as short as possible and don’t engage by asking questions or bringing up new topics. You are a gray rock-plain, neutral, boring, quiet, forgettable. When using this method, whatever you do, don’t tell the toxic person you are using it or it can backfire and spike their dramatic behavior.

Chelsea’s popcorn perspective advice

InJoy Magazine, December 2018

Photograph by Stephen Ellis

9

“We can do no great things.

Only small things with great love.”

Small Deeds, Great Love Chelsea Harrison

The Un-Bucket List: Holiday Edition

I

imagine most of you have heard of bucket lists, but have you ever heard of an un-bucket list ? If a bucket list is a list of things we want to do before we kick the bucket, the un-bucket list are things that we’ve done but never want to do again. Now we could create a funny un-bucket list here of things like childbirth, playing beer pong with margaritas, or waiting until Christmas Eve to start shopping, but seeing as the theme of this edition is “Don’t Stress,” let’s talk about how we can apply the un-bucket list to lessen our holiday stressors.

Last month, we asked you cheeky and dedicated InJoy and Small Deeds, Great Love (SDGL) readers on our Facebook page- what stresses you out most during the holidays?

Thanks for all your great responses! Here are some ideas to deal with those stressors by using the un-bucket method, followed by ideas of how to complete our small deeds!

InJoy Magazine, December 2018

10

Step 1:

Create your own holiday un-bucket list. What are some of the things that stress you out over the holidays? Try writing down a list of 5 things you want to cut down/out and share it with us on our facebook group. If the ideas here don’t give you solutions to your specific stressors, think of how you can cut back or cut off that stressor altogether. Interact with us by posting your list so we can support each other and keep each other accountable!

1 2 3 4 5 https://www.facebook.com/groups/1855755574717720/ InJoy Magazine, December 2018

11

-PLANNINGThis took me by surprise as the number one stressor you mentioned online, but when I think about my own multi-faceted holiday planning, I realized I shouldn’t have been surprised. Some of you mentioned not having a plan stresses you out, while some seem stressed out to be the only one in charge of planning. Yes, planning outings and meals for other people is stressful! Everyone has different wants and needs and as women, what do we do? Try to make everyone else happy with no real regard or consideration of what we need or what is truly most important to us.

So, ladies, let’s unbucket it.

Un-bucket solution:

Stop planning

Impossible you say?

Hear me out. This can go one of two ways- totally stop planning and refuse to commit to anything until you see how you and your family feel, until maybe a day or two out. This one is ambitious and probably would result in a lot of pissed off in-laws. If you try this method, more power to you and let me know how it works out.

InJoy Magazine, December 2018

Method two is to stop doing all the planning.

Here are some ideas of what I mean: • Your partner’s family is coming into town- let him/her plan an outing instead of leaving it up to you.

• Christmas Day 2017- you went to 5 different houses: your kids were hellion-level tired that night and you didn’t get any actual QT as a family at home. Unbucket it in 2018: Stay home the whole day. If anyone wants to see you, they get a 2-hour window, first come, first served on choice of times.

• Mommas with control issues, I hear you.

You want everything to be perfect for the holidays and of course that means you have to plan everything yourself. Try your best to put a pin in it and let your other family members/ partner help out. Ask the kids to plan Christmas breakfast. Ask hubby to gift shop for his family this year.

Even if it’s not perfectly exactly what you would have chosen, bask in having one less thing on your list and try to be present in that moment of relaxation.

Photograph by Renata Adrienn

12

-GIFTSSome people mentioned buying gifts is stressful. Can I get an Amen? Yes, giving gifts can be so fun, especially when little ones are involved, but, as a society, our consumerism seems to be getting a bit out of hand.

When finances are already an issue, and then you add gift-giving to the mix, the holidays can get really disheartening. And when I look at some of the knick knacks in stores (that are mostly produced overseas), I think- what do people think who are in the factories making these things think about us? A stressball that looks like a pile of poop? Band-aids that look like bacon? An inflatable unicorn horn for your cat to wear? (By the way, these are all real products. I wish I could say I made them up.) Does anyone really need these? Aren’t they going to be in a landfill in a year anyway? How can we unbucket it?

Un-bucket solution: Stop buying (so many) gifts Could you stop buying gifts altogether? Maybe. But here are some less extreme ideas.

• “Experience” gifts seem to be trending, so jump on-board. You can go the old-fashioned “coupon book” route here and give someone a certificate to do an activity together at a later time (bonus that you’re not spending money all in December either.) Or you can buy gift cards to museums, movie theaters, bowling alleys, restaurants, etc. and let the giftee decide when to go and with whom.

InJoy Magazine, December 2018

• Suggest a white elephant or secret santa gift exchange so you’re only buying one gift.

We started this with my in-laws a couple years ago and it is such a relief not to buy all those presents for the adults anymore (still buy for nieces and nephews).

• Stop buying for everyone. Stop and think about who is truly deserving or who you truly want to show gratitude to this year. Who are you giving to because you think you should?

• Do a diy exchange.

I saw this idea in a magazine recently and I really want to try it. So say you make your own homemade lotion, and your bestie makes jewelry, and her sister is a badass knitter. Arrange a get-together with all your crafty crew and say if there are 10 of you, bring 9 of your specialty diy lotions.

At the party, you get one of each of the crafts everyone has made. The 9 other crafts are yours to gift as you see fit (or keep!)

Photograph by Element 5

13

-PURPOSEOne person mentioned that it is stressful during the holidays to stay focused on the purpose for the season.

The unbucket solution for this one is simple: Just stop Stop for one minute and think about the relationships you are grateful for, your health, or your happiness. Try setting an alarm at the same time every day (maybe 12:25 pm in honor of Christmas?) and having your quiet moment to remember the joy and peace this season is supposed to bring. Close your eyes. Breathe.

So when you’re writing out your lists this season (and checking them twice), don’t forget to write your unbucket list and share it with us on Facebook!

We are so greatful for you, our readers, and thanks for helping generate ideas for this column. Cheers to a stress-free, joyous and magical holiday season, from our InJoy family to yours!

InJoy Magazine, December 2018

Photograph by Nicole Wilcox

14

Things to plan

Gift alternatives

Remember the Purpose

InJoy Magazine, December 2018

15

~

~

Stress in Pleasing Others The Spirit of Self-Acceptance

InJoy Magazine, December 2018

Incredible Photograph by Andre Benz

16

“Even though we would all probably agree that comparison is a bad idea, it is a mistake that so many people make.

And I can certainly relate. I’ve fallen into the comparison trap many times myself – more times than I’d like to admit.

I can still remember the times I wanted to be more like my neighbor who was an amazing homemaker and cook, or to be like the sweet, mercy-motivated woman I knew from church, or more like Dave, who is so easygoing in how he handles life. The temptation to measure myself against others is one that I’ve struggled with many times.

But over the years, the Lord has shown me that the only thing that comes from comparison is stress. God didn’t create me to be like someone else, so why should I try to be anything other than what I am? As a matter of fact, the things that make me unique are gifts, not liabilities.”

Written by Joyce Meyer in her 2016 book, Overload.

InJoy Magazine, December 2018

17

Jeanie Chaney Words of Life, Stress and Time Management

O

ur fundamental message at InJoy Magazine is to share the perspectives of local women in all walks of life. Last week, my friend Jeanie sat down with me over a glass of wine and water while we discussed this month’s theme of stress and the holidays. I asked her if she would be interested in recording a Q&A interview for the magazine, I was delighted when she not only agreed, but was eager to share her story. At 68, her energy and positivity inspires me. Jeanie is a courageous female entrepreneur, owning and running Jeanie’s Spa and Salon on West Street in Annapolis for the past 22 years. Here is her perspective on life, stress and time management.

Where do you get your energy from?

I don’t have time not to have energy. You don’t let yourself be tired, it’s a mental state, it’s positive energy. Nothing drives me more crazy than people whining about stuff, or when they say I worked 12 hours today. Like you’re keeping track of how hard you have it. I just trained myself, I get up at 5, I go to work do 7-8 hours – in-between I do eatI go home I do things, I go shopping. I allow myself to say, oh it’s really late. Guys are famous for that when they walk in the door, they talk about the negatives. Women are power machines, but we don’t give ourselves enough credit for that. I tell my clients, don’t come in here trying to relax and get a massage when you have things to do after. You have to apply time management. I just mentally don’t allow it, but I’m not saying don’t make time for yourself. Sometimes those things InJoy Magazine, December 2018

sit there until you do it. A lot of it has to do with positive thinking, time management and sometimes you feel like you just don’t have enough time, but it’s all in your head.

What’s your secret for time management?

I guess I pay attention to the time. If you don’t pay attention to your time, it flies. If your late, you didn’t leave early enough. You know where you have to be and what time, you know what time the kids have to be there, you know what the traffic could be like and you almost have to think defensively. You can’t be reactive. Time has to do with every single thing to do with our lives. You have to be conscience of it, there is no secret to it. It’s what you have to do as a person, not be crazy in your head. I don’t like the word stress because it makes it sound like something is wrong with you and It’s negative when there really isn’t anything wrong with you, you just have to manage what’s going on every single day and not get anxious with those changes. No sense in getting 18

I don’t like the word stress because it makes it sound like something is wrong with you

yourself all anxious, it’s going to happen anyway.

When you hear other people talk about how others did it to them, no! They did it to themselves, they allowed it in and did it to themselves. If people would take responsibility for what’s going on in their life, they won’t be able to blame that other person or dislike that other person.

How do you deal with that?

You just don’t let it in, you just don’t allow it. I mean it can’t be, boo hoo, who cares that Mrs. Jones didn’t show up at the wedding? 75 other people did, so focus on the people that did, not the one person who didn’t. Focus on the positive. I always use this example, oh her mother didn’t show up to the wedding, so what? Her father, her brother, her uncle and 75 guests did. And that’s a big deal that your mother didn’t show up, so it’s like you just have to know how to take it in and let it go because evil is everywhere. There is no worse feeling for me than being angry, that’s the worst feeling in the world. Question yourself, why are you so angry about that? You can get silly and say, when I was a kid someone stepped on my toes which is deep, but we’re adults now. Let’s use marriage as an example, it’s not a soul mate situation, the other person makes more than you or whatever so you InJoy Magazine, December 2018

build up. You have a negative and positive bank account in your head, it’s an emotional bank account. Steven Covey said that, the author of 7 Habits. If It’s stuff that’s not helping you, the negative bank account and you get anxious and angry and you can’t fix it and they won’t help you, they won’t do anything. That’s one example.

Seek first to understand before your understood.

Use that all the time with people who haven’t spoken to their sister at 20 years. I always say, when you’re standing in front of that coffin, none of that stuff matters. Because that’s how fast life is, and all of the sudden you’re asking yourself, is it really worth getting mad about that for 20 years?

I haven’t been that angry, but I’ve thought about that with my own family. It really doesn’t matter and you’re really hurting yourself, and then you’re acting it out at someone at the counter. It just ruins your whole day.

If I get that way, I say to myself, it’s just another day in paradise and I just laugh.

There’s that humor!

Yes, humor is a big one for me. Everything is funny, I can see finny in bad things and you have to be careful with all this PC world. I’ve had to learn to get up and do it, I’m not waiting to win the lottery to pay the mortgage. You have to get up and do it. I get excited about everything. People ask me, why are you so upbeat all the time? I don’t know, I just get excited about stuff, I get excited about a candy bar!

Do you feel like that’s a choice you had to make in your life, to be happy?

I’ve pretty much been a happy person since I was born. I was making money and working since I 19

was 8 years old. I always say, they can put on my tombstone “She lived” Because they won’t be able to say, “Well, she just kinda sat around most of her life and didn’t really do anything” (laughter). There’s plenty of things to keep doing, you can take a class, take an art class.

Patience Is another thing, it’s very critical. I’ve had to learn that because I’m a ‘get in the car and go go go’ but patience really is a virtue. I’ve had to learn that; how long does it take to get from point A to point B because I don’t want to rush. For example, I take all my phone calls in the morning because that’s when I’m fresh and ready and that’s when I’m focused. I don’t want to take all my business calls at night. I allot myself time to make important business calls…things like that.

It’s also about relationships. We have relationships with people we don’t think we’re in relationships with. Take Wawa for example, I see those people every day. Everywhere we go on a regular basis, we’ve accumulated a rapport and some sort of relationship. We can’t look at them behind the counter with one eye, they become people. People in the grocery store, everywhere we go on a regular basis. We’re not just getting our hair done or going to the store, they are real people with real stories.

InJoy Magazine, December 2018

You can find Jeanie’s Salon and Spa at 2005 West Street in Annapolis Or at www.jeaniesspa.com

Plant Photograph by Henry Co

20

My Energy Comes from Within Me

InJoy Magazine, December 2018

21

~

~

Good Stress Good Energy

S

ometimes, stress can be motivating. Think about it…if you didn’t really care then you wouldn’t be worried about the outcome to begin with. I’m referring to the energizing activities we find ourselves engaged with more this time of year than any other. As you’re preparing for these activities and all of the to-do’s surrounding them, be mindful that these activities are giving us life, giving us energy. Otherwise we would be bored and lonely and might not have showered.

What I’m trying to say is, when you’re running around like a crazy person trying to fit all the last-minute things into your nicely laid vision, remember that your vision is giving you the energy to tie it together. Your idea of the perfect party (that you care about) is not negatively stressful…it’s motivating. It’s saying to yourself, ‘I’m so grateful I have so many friends/family/co-workers who RSVP’d to this thing and want to come hang out with my family.’ Therefore, because you care about them, your home, thier impression and making sure they have a good time…you’re putting energy and effort into the arrangements to begin with.

InJoy Magazine, December 2018

Photograph by Kelsey Chance

22

“Stress mindsets are powerful because they affect not just how you think but also how you act. When you view stress as harmful, it is something to be avoided.

Feeling stressed becomes a signal to try to escape or reduce the stress. And indeed, people who endorse a stress-is-harmful mindset are more likely to say that they cope with stress by trying to avoid it. For example, they are more likely to:

My stress mindset is...

• Try to distract themselves from the cause of the stress instead of dealing with it.

• Focus on getting rid of their feelings of stress instead of taking steps to address its source.

• Turn to alcohol or other substances or addictions to escape the stress.

• Withdraw their energy and attention from whatever relationship, role or goal is causing the stress.

In contrast, people who believe that stress can be helpful are more likely to say that they cope with stress proactively. For example, they are more likely to:

My stress mindset could be...

• Accept the fact that the stressful event has occurred and is real.

• Plan a strategy for dealing with the source of stress.

• Seek information, help or advice.

• Take steps to overcome, remove or change the source of stress.

• Try to make the best of the situation by viewing it in a more positive way or by using it as an opportunity to grow.

These different ways of dealing with stress lead to very different outcomes. When you face difficulties headon, instead of trying to avoid or deny them, you build your resources for dealing with stressful experiences.

You become more confident in your ability to handle life’s challenges. You create a strong network of social support. Problems that can be managed get taken care of, instead of spiraling out of control. Situations that you can’t control become opportunities to grow. In this way, as with many mindsets, the belief that stress is helpful becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.”

My resources for dealing with stress are...

Written by Kelly McGonigal in her book, The Upside of Stress.

InJoy Magazine, December 2018

23

Photograph by Chad Madden

InJoy Magazine, December 2018

24