Volume 18 Winter 2016
Life Beyond My Wildest Dreams William G. Borchert
Recovery Troubador Ricky Byrd
Suspending Judgment:
Dr. James O’Connell Janet A Hopkins
Weeds of Unworthiness
Dr. George Baxter-Holder
Paul Auchterlonie
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Artists and Addiction
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Winter 2016
In Recovery Magazine
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If you answered yes to any of these questions then you will want to join us at The Evolution of Addiction Treatment Conference at the Sheraton Gateway Los Angeles Airport Hotel February 2 - 5, 2017
To learn more about the program and register go to www.theevolutionofaddictiontreatment.com. The current ďŹ eld of recovery and addiction treatment has been evolving for eight decades. We have seen many important developments as well as many failed experiments. This conference reects where we have been, where we are now, and where we are heading. Earn up to 28 hours of continuing Education credit.
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Winter 2016
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Congratulations to the Recipients of the 2016 In Recovery Magazine
Gratitude Gala Awards Making a Difference Award
John Shinholster & Carol McDaid – The McShin Foundation “Healing Families and Saving Lives.” Founded in 2004, by husband and wife, John Shinholer and Carol McDaid, the McShin Foundation is Virginia’s leading non-profit, full-service recovery community organization (RCO), committed to serving individuals and families in their fight against substance use disorders.
The Link Award
Leonard Buschel – Writers In Treatment Leonard Lee Buschel is a former California Certified Substance Abuse Counselor. He is the founder and director of the REEL Recovery Film Festival & Symposium, the editor/publisher of the weekly Addiction/Recovery eBulletin and the producer of the yearly Experience, Strength and Hope Awards in Los Angeles
Youth Advocate Award Jodi Barber – Overtaken
Jodi Barber is a fierce advocate for today’s youth. In 2010, she recognized that accidental death from overdosing had become an epidemic, not just in her suburban community, but across America. Taking action to save lives, she and another mom set out on a goal of producing a short documentary to educate young adults on the truth about addiction and the often deadly consequences of drugs use.
Publisher’s Award
Barbara Nicholson-Brown, Art of Recovery Expo In 2005, in Phoenix, Arizona, Barbara Brown and her late husband, Bill Brown, launched the Art of Recovery Expo to provide a judgment-free venue where individuals, friends and families could easily find the resources they needed to begin a full life of healing and recovery.
Editor’s Choice Award
Dr. George Baxter-Holder - “The Weeds of Unworthiness” Dr. George Baxter-Holder, affectionately known as “Dr. George,” holds a Doctor of Nursing Practice from Duke University and a Masters in Nursing from the University of Washington. He is in long-term recovery from drug addiction after serving time on a three-year sentence for drug possession. He is the author of Drugs, Food, Sex and God.
Artist of the Year
Adriana Marchione - “The Creative High” (documentary film) Adriana Marchione MA, REAT, RSMT has been involved in the arts for over twenty-five years as a filmmaker, exhibiting visual artist, Argentine tango dancer, arts curator, performer and healing artist. She is a leader in her work as expressive arts educator and somatic movement therapist specializing in addiction and recovery.
From the Publisher Kim Welsh
P.O. Box 11176, Prescott, AZ 86304
inrecoverymagazine.com CEO/Publisher
Kim Welsh
Editor in Chief
Janet A. Hopkins
Operations Manager Senior Copyeditor Copyeditors
Valerie Lambert Barbara Schuderer Marieke Slovin Mary Locke
Subscriptions Advertising Sales Layout/Design Cover Photo A Call to Action
John Schuderer Jacque Miller
Lena H.
Meditation Recovery Today
Danielle Wurth Stephanie Moles Dustin Dillow Michael Lyding Chris Schroeder
In Recovery Magazine is published quarterly (4 times a year) by In Recovery Magazine, Inc., PO Box 11176, Prescott, Arizona 86304. Subscription rates (US dollars): 1 year $17.95, 2 years $25.95 in the United States and Possessions; 1 year $37.95, 2 years $65.95 in Canada and Mexico; all other countries $41.95 for 1 year, $73.95 for 2 years. Single copies (prepaid only): $8.99 in US, $11.99 in Canada and Mexico and $12.99 in all other countries. All rates include shipping and handling. Email your request to valerie@inrecoverymagazine.com. The magazine is published by founder, Kim Welsh, printed in the US by American Web and distributed by Disticor Magazine Distribution Services. ©2016 In Recovery Magazine, Inc. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including by photocopy, recording, or information storage and retrieval without permission in writing from the publisher. For uses beyond those listed above, please direct your written request to Permission Dept., email: editor@inrecoverymagazine.com. In Recovery Magazine does not verify any claims or other information appearing in any of the advertisements contained in the publication and cannot take responsibility for any losses or other damages incurred by readers in reliance of such content. Publication of any advertisement is not to be construed as an endorsement of the product or service offered. In Recovery Magazine (IRM) reserves the right to editorial control of all articles, stories and Letters to the Editor. IRM assumes no responsibility for errors within its publication. The opinions expressed are those of the authors and do not necessarily represent the policies of IRM and should not be construed as endorsements. Furthermore, IRM will not be responsible for any claims, losses or damages (whether direct or indirect) arising out of or relating to the use of or reliance on the contents of this magazine.
Winter 2016
From the Editor
Janet A. Hopkins editor@inrecoverymagazine.com
John Shinholser
Book Review
Everyday Miracles
Kim Welsh
Christopher Marchetti
Catherine Townsend-Lyon
CrossTalk
H
ow quickly an entire year can become a memory! Once again, I realize it’s time to quiet myself and simply be in the moment. Life rushes by so fast; before I know it, Xmas 1981 I am full of memories and find myself closer to the end of my life than to the beginning of it. Each moment counts, and sometimes difficult choices must be made as I work to achieve my full potential; hopefully, I’ll make the right ones! This has been a personally challenging year for me, and I am not alone. The treatment community, too, has experienced some controversial changes that have turned the lives of many treatment providers upside down. The programs that have survived are moving forward, continuing their work to make a difference in their communities. On the lighter and brighter side, thanks to everyone who sponsored, participated in and attended our Third Annual IRM Gratitude Gala. We were pleased to celebrate the many contributions of those who make a difference in the lives of others. A special thanks to Alonzo Bodden and Dawn Lutrell for their memorable performances at this year’s event. As new challenges arise during the coming year, the laughter and joy they shared will surely help to carry us through. Happy Holidays from our IRM team. May 2017 be your best year yet!
Kim Welsh
Authors’ Café
Chaos and Clutter Free
publisher@inrecoverymagazine.com
W
hat a busy three months it’s been! As you may have guessed from the photo (thanks, Casey Mackenzie Photography) my long-time friend and partner, David Hoy, and I were married on September 10th, bringing together two terrific families whom we adore. Later that same week, we had to put down our beloved dog, Bella. We were so grateful to have shared our wedding day with her, but our walks aren’t the same without her. Joy and sorrow stitched together in the rich tapestry of our lives. This issue celebrates the creativity of recovering artists, from musicians like Ricky Byrd to authors including William Borchert to videographers such as Adriana Marchione. Each share their unique visions of recovery and their contributions to our recovery journeys. We hope you, too, will be inspired to create! Our cover story, “Rehab CEO,” shows how one man’s recovery has made a significant impact on recovery treatment. Paul Aucherlonie hopes others will follow in his footsteps as he works to improve the quality of substance abuse recovery care. Some of you have lived through periods of homelessness. I hope you will take the time to read “Suspending Judgment” and take a glimpse into the life of Dr. James O’Connell, who shares his poignant, sometimes heartbreaking work with addicts and alcoholics living on the streets of Boston, Massachusetts. The work they do at Boston Health is nothing short of extraordinary, true compassion in a world that often shuns those who need the most care. John Shinholser offers a “Call to Action” as he shares on important issues in the recovery world. Lena H. reviews Sam Quinones’ book, Dreamland: The True Tale of America’s Opiate Epidemic. With directness and compassion, Quinones dispenses eye-opening facts about the ravages of this terrible epidemic. Our lovely friend, Dr. George, shares his experience with the “Weeds of Unworthiness,” a struggle many face in recovery. These are but a few of the delectable morsels we offer up for your holiday feast. Happy Holidays – ODAT. Together we can!
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Table of Contents
Cover Story
14 | Rehab CEO by Paul Auchterlonie
My job as “Rehab CEO” is a unique and often strange job because of the skills required. Not only do I need the traditional CEO skills, but I also need key intangible skills and credibility with an often tough audience.
Features
18 | Recovery Troubadour by Ricky Byrd
I do the same things today that I did when I walked into my first Twelve Step meeting all those years ago. It’s worked for me for nearly 29 years.
20 | Life Beyond My Wildest Dreams by William G. Borchert
Little did I know that one day God would give me the opportunity to write a screenplay for a movie that would help addicts worldwide.
22 | Weeds of Unworthiness by George Baxter-Holder
They started out almost innocently, like a dandelion seed gently floating on the breeze after being blown to the wind by a toddler making a wish.
24 | Suspending Judgment: Dr. James O’Connell by Janet A. Hopkins
We are not in the business of changing people; our purpose is to gently offer hope and options.
Theme: Artists and Addiction 28 | The Creative High by Adriana Marchione
38 | A Broken Record by Shane Ramer
34 | The Story of Recovery Cartoons by Ben Canha
44 | The Magnificence of Ordinariness by Jim Smith
I am an artist and a person in recovery; this statement illustrates how I define myself and shape my world. Like a madman on a mission, I started drawing cartoons every day. I felt as though I were pioneering new territory.
The first time I picked up a microphone and stood in front of a few people, hardcore punk rock blasting through the speakers behind me, I felt invincible. At the end, I had lost the will to live. I came to in a hospital on October 27, 1976. What followed was a profound spiritual experience.
48 | We Are the Only People We Know by Ella Rowe
Articles
Documentary to share intimate portraits of artists and musicians battling addiction, and the struggle they face as they seek recovery.
54 | The Spiritual Awakening by Marc Galanter, MD
68 | The Ever-Changing Image by Sheryle Cruse
58 | More Than My Fair Share by Rosanne Lockinger
70 | Your Destiny Awaits by Jana Greene
60 | It Gets Way More Better by Todd Hirt
72 | The Mutuality of the AA Fellowship and Program by Steve K.
62 | Memo From God by Mark Masserant
74 | Serving Underrepresented Populations by Joe C.
66 | Sober Celebrating by Kristi Hugstad
79 | You Are Not Alone by Yvonne Hickey
2016 Gala Sponsors
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Winter 2016
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Columns
12 | Meditation: Want a Bite? by Michael L.
In our Twelve Step program, we get to literally uproot ourselves, remove ourselves from infertile ground, and choose the best garden in which to grow.
36 | Everyday Miracle: Afraid to Live by Dustin Dillow This is my life. This is my truth. I choose this life, one day at a time.
40 | The BookStand
Recovery is the subject of countless books. Here are some titles worth a look.
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42 | A Call to Action by John Shinholser
Thousands of people are directly affected by addiction every day. With your help, we can make a difference. We can reduce stigma and secrecy. We can effect political change. Together, we can succeed.
46 | The Authors’ Café by Catherine Townsend-Lyon Roger Stark and Sybil Paige
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50 | Book Review: by Lena H.
Dreamland: The True Tale of America’s Opiate Epidemic is indeed the true tale of America’s opiate epidemic to date, and it’s every bit as fascinating as a bestselling mystery novel.
52 | Feel Your Best by Laura O’Reilly
Gratitude is a practice of cultivating happiness by taking the time to appreciate and be present for all of life’s blessings. It’s as simple as pausing to think of something you enjoy.
56 | Chaos and Clutter Free by Danielle Wurth
Everyday Organizing . . . challenges and the solutions that can resolve themselves.
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64 | CrossTalk by Mollé
CrossTalk is based on the premise that recovery life is polytely: frequently, complex problem-solving situations characterized by the presence of not one, but several endings.
77 | Recovery Today by Chris Schroeder
Our favorite tips and humor for people traipsing the Road of Happy Destiny. (Cartoons by Ben Canha)
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64 Winter 2016
TREATMENT PROGRAMS
RESIDENTIAL TREATMENT Intensive Outpatient Program Outpatient Program Aftercare with Structured Residential Sober Living Transitional Sober Living
www.Chapter5Recovery.com
Letters to the Editor
.,
Chaos and Clutter Free
I just read your article by Danielle Wurth in the Fall 2016 issue; I loved it! So many great tips I will definitely try. It is so helpful to have them written in such a concise and easyto-read manner. I’m kind of an organization geek and am always looking for new ideas, so thank you! Valerie Ruggerio Chino Valley, Arizona
The Semi-Colon
I loved the “semi-colon” article in your magazine (June 2016 – John Romaneillo) and learning the detailed background story behind it. I just got that tattoo myself on my sobriety birthday; it is the only tattoo I have. Recovery is the most important thing to me, and it comes first in my life.
A 50-Something Teenager
Daniela Luzi Tudor
CEO, WEconnect by pala-linq
Seattle, Washingon
My Name Is . . .
I particularly enjoyed the article, My Name Is . . . (Anna E.) in the Fall 2016 issue. I can identify with being the weird and annoying kid and with having things go downhill fast after beginning to use. However, unlike the author, it took me many more years to get sober. I wish her the best of luck in her life and continued recovery.
The Fall 2016 IRM is sobering. I’m not in touch with the issues of today’s addicts to the extent that I think I am. I’m a 50-something teenager in a way; I was a teenage addict who’s been sober since the age of 16. I have often felt a kinship with youth in addiction/recovery, but I really don’t know about that anymore. I snorted heroin once or twice, and I remember thinking: This would be troublesome for me if heroin was more accessible. My drug and alcohol use deferred to the low-hanging fruit of whatever was available back in the day. Chance kept me from being a 1970s heroin addict in the same way chance (low cost and wide availability) has addicted today’s youth. As an author myself, I also wanted to mention that IRM’s BookStand, Book Review and Authors’ Cafe are demonstrative of your love of writers. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I am less than half way through In Recovery Magazine.
J.B. Cleveland, Ohio
Joe C. Toronto, Ontario, Canada
We welcome your comments.
You may email your suggestions and comments to editor@inrecoverymagazine.com or tweet us at @InRecovery_Mag. You may also contact us at In Recovery Magazine, PO Box 11176, Prescott, Arizona 86304. Submissions may be edited. We know our writers greatly appreciate your comments as well.
Check out our digital app! In Recovery Magazine for iPhone, iPad or iPod touch and other mobile devices is here! Enjoy the stories you love in a convenient and readable way. The app is available for download from the App Store. Other mobile devices including Android, Kindle Fire, Windows 8, Facebook, Blackberry Playbook may download the In Recovery App at pocketmags.com. 10
In Recovery Magazine
Winter 2016
Let’s get back to a brighter future. We are RECO, one of South Florida’s most trusted addiction treatment providers. Since our founding, RECO Intensive Outpatient Program has been a leader in the addiction treatment field. At RECO, we believe that each individual is unique. Consequently, each treatment plan and metamorphosis in recovery must be unique, too. As we work to recreate joy and to instill patience, self-awareness, and responsibility in those who are suffering from addiction and co-occurring disorders, we understand and address the specific intricacies of each individual’s history.
Through our utilization of therapeutic techniques, distinctive group programming, and aftercare, we aim to create an environment that facilitates progress in recovery and emboldens clients within their newfound independence from addiction.
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561.808.7986
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140 NE 4th Ave., Suites B, C, & D, Delray Beach, FL 33483
Meditation:
Want a Bite?
by Mike Lyding
“I’m not such a bad person. I have something to give back.” – Sue C.
Somehow, a seed settles on fertile soil. It doesn’t matter whether the seed was airborne, dropped by a bird, or brought by a rodent. It is where it should be, and it is where it will spend its entire life. It can and may thrive if the conditions are right. It can and may wither and die if the conditions are wrong. Sue C.’s quote illustrates a difference between a human being and a plant. For our purposes, her quote especially illustrates the difference between germinating under the wrong conditions of alcoholism versus turning those wrong conditions into fertile, well-watered soil where a plant can grow and thrive. God gives mankind free will; with free will comes the power of choice. The seeds of active alcoholics have fallen on infertile ground. While those seeds may produce fruit, it will not be the fruit of our full potential. Worse, for all intents and purposes, our free will and our power of choice is impotent. We may as well not have free will if we cannot exercise it in any meaningful way. In our Twelve Step program, we literally get to uproot ourselves, remove ourselves from infertile ground, and choose the best garden in which to grow. We then not only produce good fruit; we also become that good fruit. People who partake of us (aka, share our path) are also bettered. We cannot change our genes, but we can help our seeds to grow into healthy plants. We can change our fruit from sour to sweet. We can shift from a negative self-concept to a positive and useful one.
Mike Lyding has been drawn to prayer and meditation since becoming sober in December 1993. While meditating at age 58, he discovered he had a desire to write. So far, the result has been two daily meditation books written primarily for recovering communities: Grateful Not Smug (2006) and Gratitude a Verb (2009). mike.lyding@hotmail.com
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Gambling, Substance Abuse, Financial Stress, Dysfunctional Family? Compass Recovery Center can help.
We offer services for these issues and more. We will help get the monkey off your back, no matter what he looks like. Compass Recovery Center is located in beautiful Prescott, Arizona, and offers a client-centered approach. Our clients each have an individualized treatment plan that addresses their core issues. We specialize in substance dependence, alcohol dependence and gambling addiction, but have knowledgeable personnel that can help with many other issues and co-occurring disorders. Our team has years of experience and works well with clients in all stages of their recovery, including clients who have never been to treatment or who have struggled at other facilities. Our program fills the void between traditional primary care treatments and the return to home by creating a seamless transition with a solid recovery plan. Compass Recovery Center offers cost-effective treatment which may be an excellent alternative to costly residential treatment. We work with local sober living facilities which allows our clients to reap the benefits of receiving addiction treatment while still living in a structured sober living environment. They learn how to live life on life’s terms and gain long-term sobriety.
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Rehab CEO
by Paul Auchterlonie
“Remarkable women make us better men.”
“Can I get you something to drink? Beer, wine, perhaps a martini or margarita for you, Sir?” Every time I travel, I am asked some version of this phrase. I frequently eat out for business meetings, though not often enough on the rare date nights with the woman of my dreams, who actually exists. Between us, we have six children between the ages of 12 and 17. We don’t get much alone time. “How about an iced tea, no sweetener, please.” That’s my usual response. I turned 45 this year. Tired of the “chunk in the trunk,” I’ve minimized my sugar intake and lost 20 pounds, and I am trying like hell to hold it steady. Pre-diabetes is not a word I want to hear out of my doctor’s mouth ever again. However, the main reason for my ordering iced tea is not about caloric intake, it’s that I don’t drink alcohol. Nine years ago I got sober. “Sober” is an interesting word. It conjures up a range of images, profiles, feelings and thoughts in the hearts and minds of people when they learn about my sobriety. Drinking is prevalent, and I am social. You can imagine that the topic comes up in a variety of situations. I can see the curiosity develop behind the eyes of some people when they discover I’m not imbibing. Some ask me if I have never had alcohol and want to know why. They want the full story. It’s like watching a race and waiting for a crash; they want the dirt on how I got sober. Most people are respectful and/or unaffected by my response. The question “what made you want to do that?” is code for “what the hell happened” or “what did you do?!” Some people are uncomfortable. Others feel sorry for me. A few are in disbelief, as they swear I was drunk last Friday night when we went out, apparently because I was laughing and having a great time. Still others are sincere and encouraging. “Good for you, man,” they tell me. I like the response of those who are in shock and overly impressed. “Like never? You never drink?” It’s as if alcohol and oxygen were synonymous, and survival was dependent upon them. I also like the increasingly frequent responses from the people who tell me they, too, have chosen a life without drugs or alcohol. It has become mild entertainment, a kind of unfunded research project where I collect different responses as data. In the end, however, what others think about my choice is irrelevant. It doesn’t affect my comfort level or my decision to live this version of my life. Like religion or politics, my choice was personal. Getting sober in my early 30s was an excellent decision after five years of being “overserved.”
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The solutions to the problem of addiction also differ. Twelve Step meetings don’t all take place in church basements, and they vary from dogmatic to empowering, educational and supportive. Churches, psychologists, psychiatrists, doctors and non-Twelve Step support programs can also figure into the solution. Our shared goals are healthier lives, a better quality of living and better behavior. I have always been focused on helping people who are struggling in life. In high school, I wanted to become a teacher or a psychologist. By the time I completed college,
My twin daughters and I at a music festival.
I am a better dad for my four uniquely beautiful and brilliantly creative, sweet and goofy children. They are the reason I got sober. I had become “that guy.” I was fat and getting sloppy. I had been an athlete most of my life, but during this five-year period I had turned into someone I did not like very much. More often than not, I felt less than stellar. I did not want my kids to remember me that way. I wanted to be a better dad for my kids and a better man for me. The truth is there are millions – 25 million is a recent stat – of us sober people out there. Yes, some give the rest of us a bad name with their annoying opinions and judgments of what sobriety means. The uninformed still assume we all yearn for booze or that drug of choice and need to attend daily mysterious meetings in church basements, chain smoking cigarettes or vapes, and drinking bad coffee or energy drinks. Each story is different. The type of drugs or alcohol used, and the duration and frequency of use, varies greatly. The damage caused, the risks taken, mental status, family issues, personal values, education, insight and physical health differ significantly among people who have chosen to be sober. 16
My baby is growing up — her graduation from elementary school.
I had the idea to run my own school for troubled kids or start an innovative, effective and cool rehab center. I was fortunate to be accepted into a master’s program at Harvard, earning a degree in psychology and business. Studying at this prestigious school was a humbling, challenging and thrilling experience. My professors and fellow students taught me more than I could have imagined. My dream of becoming a leader and executive in the behavioral healthcare field came true shortly thereafter. In my late 20s, I founded and grew my own company in Seattle.
In Recovery Magazine
Winter 2016
Me and the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders — sixth grade dreams do come true.
I have evaluated hundreds of rehab centers, treatment programs, adolescent and young adult residential schools and psychiatric facilities. I have managed companies serving a wide range of clients, from “celebrity rehabs” in Malibu, California, to organizations that address mental health and addiction issues for low- and middle-income people. Most recently, I have led the turnaround and growth of a behavioral health company in Arizona as its CEO. My job as “Rehab Exec” at Decision Point Centers in Arizona is a unique and often strange job because of the skills required. Not only do I need the traditional CEO skills – financial, operational, strategic, sales and marketing, technology and customer service executive management – I also need key intangible skills. I must have the ability to gain respect and credibility from the doctors, nurses, therapists and residential staff. I must also be able to connect with staff, whether they are in recovery or not. It is crucial that I have credibility with our clients, their families and their loved ones. I must cultivate productive relationships with our referral sources, ranging from psychiatrists, probation officers, judges and tribal leaders. I most enjoy connecting with all of our constituents in an effective and meaningful way. Crisis management is critical in the recovery field. The stakes are high for our clients, sometimes the difference between life and death. Such serious concerns obviously require close attention and great sensitivity for everyone involved. Systemic improvement, as well as an immediate response to the weekly issues presented by our clients, is imperative. My days are never boring. Ever. I expect the unexpected, manage the business and have the honor of working with remarkable employees. Caring, smart, proactive, calm, strong and supportive are merely a few of the terms that come to mind when describing them. Grateful is a frequent feeling for me every day in all areas of my life. https://www.decisionpointcenter.com
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“My name is Ricky Byrd, and I’m a recovering drug addict and alcoholic.” This has been my opening line since September 25, 1987, after a long 29-year run in the grip of addiction. I do the same things today that I did when I walked into my first Twelve Step meeting all those years ago. I do these things because, “It works if you work it.” It’s worked for me for nearly 29 years. I am only human, and I’ve taken many missteps since becoming clean and sober. With the help of others in recovery, I have thankfully never resorted to drugs or alcohol to get through these missteps since that life-changing day in 1987. I began smoking pot at age 13. The last ten years or so of my run were particularly brutal. By the time I stumbled into that room filled with people just like me many years later, I was using any method I could find to avoid feeling anything. Although there are occasional mornings when I just want to hide under the covers, these days I “suit up and show up.” I keep the tools of my recovery close at hand: fellowship, prayer, daily meditation books, phone numbers and, most importantly, an up-to-date meeting list. No matter what – mad, glad or sad – I don’t use, one day at a time. I am a musician by trade. In fact, I was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in 2015 as an original member of Joan Jett and the Blackhearts. I’ve been blessed to play and record with many of the musicians I grew up listening to. How cool is that? All in all, I have had a pretty spectacular career doing what I love: playing guitar, writing songs, singing and producing. However, I have also learned that nothing in life is free. The music business is filled with ups, downs and sideways. Before I started my journey in recovery, I let it all get to me. On any given day, the highs and lows dictated how I felt emotionally. It was like riding an emotional roller coaster, so to speak. I discovered that if I let recovery do its thing, it would keep me from using each day. If I worked it as suggested by the people who came before me, it would also teach me to wear my life like a cheap suit, nice and loose. Responsible and accountable, but not overwhelmed; it’s a little recovery perk. In 2008, I had an opportunity to combine music with recovery when I got a call from my friend, Simon Kirke, the drummer for one of my favorite bands, Bad Company. He was putting together a rock ‘n roll all-star band for a benefit to help Right Turn, a treatment center in Boston. He asked if I would like to join the band. Of course I did, and I wound up performing for the next two years, as well as taking on the role of the band’s musical director. I loved the feeling I experienced as I helped other recovering addicts and alcoholics on a larger scale, using music as the soundtrack. The next few years were filled with more of these recovery shows, mainly taking place in Florida with my old pal and recovery-in-arms brotha’, Richie Supa. These shows were either acoustic or a full on rock ‘n roll circus, consisting of a band I’d put together primarily from my crew in New York City. Eventually, this experience led me to my job at Sunrise Detox in New Jersey, where I lead music groups, using recovery-themed songs I’ve written or co-written with Supa. I led four musical groups a week for two years. That gig just ended, and I really feel like I made a difference. I am grateful to Sunrise and to the Director of Admissions, Joe Horrocks, for the opportunity and experience. I now look forward to the next stop on my journey. Unfortunately, we’ve lost quite a few young adults to the disease of addiction, a fact that has driven me to do more. This is precisely the reason we started our foundation, Ricky Byrd’s Clean Getaway. Through our concert events, music outreach sessions and early education and prevention programs, we hope to raise awareness about the disease of addiction and to provide resources for those suffering from drug and alcohol addiction. This is what this rocker does these days . . . Have recovery, will travel, Baby! Ricky Byrd lives in New York and has been clean and sober since September 25, 1987. In 2015, he was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame with Joan Jett and the Blackhearts. He is the founder and CEO of Ricky Byrd’s Clean Getaway. Ricky has performed, recorded and/or toured with Roger Daltrey, Ian Hunter, Southside Johnny, Paul McCartney, Ringo Starr, Joe Walsh, Mavis Staples, Billy Squier, Darlene Love, Ronnie Spector, Brian Wilson, Steve Miller, Graham Nash, Don Felder, Alice Cooper, Bruce Springsteen, Steven Van Zant, Mick Taylor, Dion, Elvis Costello, Bonnie Bramlett, Billie Joe Armstrong, Bill Medley, Paul Shaffer, Smokey Robinson and many others. Rickybyrdscleangetaway.com
Winter 2016
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by William G. Borchert ecovering alcoholics have often likened the path to sobriety to finding “a life beyond our wildest dreams.” While this is true for some, it is more of a work in progress for others. While I find it difficult to describe exactly how sobriety changed my life, I am one who has found a life beyond my wildest dreams. I hit bottom in April 1962. I had little hope of anything meaningful ever happening again in my life. I had drunk up every opportunity I’d been given as a writer for newspapers, magazines and radio shows. I was unemployable and had lost two homes. My family was living in a small basement apartment. I was physically ill and had no solutions for my legal, financial and relationship problems. Positive changes began to take place after a caring friend suggested I join a Twelve Step recovery program. I followed their suggestion. Gradually, I was led to a healthier way of thinking and living. Today, I understand more about the disease that affected me physically, mentally and spiritually; however, growing up I knew nothing about alcoholism or how it had affected my family. My father was a terrible alcoholic who came from a family riddled with alcoholism. My mother’s family was the same. Back then, few knew alcoholism was a disease. Most people believed it was a moral issue or the result of being weak-willed. Addiction puts family members under incredible stress. Normal routines are constantly interrupted by unexpected or even frightening behaviors, and the alcoholic’s constant denial of reality confuses what family members are feeling and seeing. As family members feel normal family life slipping away, they may join the addict in bending, manipulating and even denying the reality of the situation. Parents, wives, husbands, children and other loved ones can become as sick as the addict. Today, we know the children of addicts can be genetically predisposed. Some statistics show these children may be four times more likely to become addicted. Genetics are only partly responsible for this higher risk of addiction. Psychological and environmental factors – the home environment and the child’s reactions to that environment – account for the other part. I reacted with terrible anger and hatred toward my father’s alcoholic behavior, swearing I would never become like 20
him. Predisposed and filled with inner rage, I became the alcoholic while my sister and younger brother didn’t. One of many unforgettable incidents with my father occurred when I was eleven or twelve. I was playing stickball with neighborhood friends near our apartment house in Brooklyn, New York. Suddenly, a taxicab pulled up nearby and out fell my father, so slobbering drunk that the cab driver had to help him into the house. My friends couldn’t help laughing; some girls watching us play started to giggle as well. I was so filled with shame that I just took off running. I kept running until I was exhausted. Then I sat on some rocks in a barren field and cried. This and other painful episodes helped me justify my own drinking. I became filled with resentments and self-pity. When I married and began having children of my own, it took me a while to realize I was creating the same hurt in my own family. I couldn’t believe I had repeated the pattern of addiction. I avoided alcohol until I was 19. I had just become a newspaper reporter in New York City for what was at that time the largest evening newspaper in the world. It was the heyday of journalism and a tremendous opportunity to be rubbing shoulders with some of the world’s greatest writers and columnists. On my first day, staff from other newspapers invited me out for a drink. These were veterans who were 20 to 30 years older than I. They didn’t ask what I wanted to drink; they simply ordered for me what they were drinking, a shot of rye whiskey with a beer chaser. I recognized my mortal enemy at once, smiling smugly at me from atop the long mahogany bar. John Barleycorn. He presented himself as my friend, part of my new and exciting surroundings, part of the camaraderie. How could I say no,
In Recovery Magazine
Winter 2016
especially in the midst of men I admired, skilled newsmen who could teach me the ropes? I quickly downed the shot of rye, almost choking before putting the fire out with the beer chaser. I didn’t get sick, and I didn’t get a hangover. Instead, I felt taller, older, handsome and smart; I was on top of the world and at peace with the universe. I was a veteran newsman, and all of New York was my oyster. It was an exhilarating experience, one that I would end up chasing to the gates of Hell. As a healthy young man, I could handle booze almost long enough to become successful in a profession I loved. Alcoholism soon caught up with me, however. Between missing deadlines, nearly getting killed in a series of car accidents and creating chaos at home, I got caught in the avalanche of alcoholism and fell into a precipitous downward slide. At the age of 28, no one would hire me because of my reputation as an undependable drunk. I was living in a basement, panhandling old friends for the price of another drink, and seriously considering suicide. That’s when God stepped into my life and offered me a hand. I grabbed it, and I’m still hanging onto it today.
in need, it also brought me great happiness. It took me a while to understand why God allows alcoholics to go through such pain and misery before leading them to sobriety. I have come to believe it is simply to prepare them to do His bidding and reach out and help others in need. It is in reaching out to others and sharing our sobriety that we find the kind of life I spoke of at the start of this piece, “a life beyond our wildest dreams.” Little did I know on that depressing rainy day back in 1962, as I sat in a filthy room in a fleabag hotel on the Lower East Side of New York City contemplating suicide, that one day God would give me the opportunity to write a screenplay for a movie that would help addicts worldwide. That movie became My Name Is Bill W., starring James Garner, James Woods and Gary Sinise. It has since become the most watched television movie ever made. If that isn’t “a life beyond my wildest dreams,” I don’t know what is.
William G. Borchert is an author and screenwriter who began his career writing for newspapers, magazines and radio shows. This Emmy Award-nominated screenwriter was a partner in Artists Entertainment Complex, which produced such major films as Serpico and Dog Day Afternoon. Perhaps best known for writing the film My Name Is Bill W., he also wrote When Love is Not Enough. He lives in Stratford, Connecticut, with his wife, Bernadette. williamborchert.com
One of the miracles that helped me was that my father found his way into a Twelve Step program and was experiencing the miracle of sobriety for himself. As a result, I finally found the father I’d never had, and he found a loving son. Our families reaped the blessings. I write about all of this in my book, How I Became My Father . . . A Drunk. This was a book I never intended to write for two reasons. First, I never thought I would make peace with my dad, who I had come to love and respect as a sober man. We enjoyed many activities together and shared our sobriety at Twelve Step meetings. He and my mom spent a great deal of time with my wife, Bernadette, our nine children and me. We seldom talked about the painful past. Second, I don’t like dwelling on uncomfortable situations. While I knew my past could be my greatest asset, it was also my greatest source of pain. Who wants to dwell on something painful long enough to write a book about it? I finally decided to tackle the difficult task of writing a book, thanks to the encouragement of an alcoholism counselor I befriended in Florida. Together with my loving wife and three most beloved and trusted friends, this counselor told me that my story could help people – especially families – find their way out of the darkness of addiction and into the light of recovery. They finally convinced me to put pen to paper, and what started out as a painful journey of reliving hurtful memories turned into a satisfying and joyful experience.
“Mending Individuals, Healing Families” • • • • • • •
Those of us who have found sobriety share the responsibility of carrying the message of recovery. As an author and screenwriter of many books and movies about recovery, this project made sense. Like others who seek to help those Winter 2016
In Recovery Magazine
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“The most accomplished and beautiful man I know . . ..” This was the generous introduction I received before a speaking engagement. I remember the flood of self-talk that immediately followed. “If she really knew me she wouldn’t say that.” “Wow, she must really hang out with losers, and I am their king.” “Beautiful, pfft! What about the huge zit on my chin and my shiny bald patches?” Finally, “At least she didn’t say ‘talented,’ ’cause today is going to suck.” Where does this negative self-talk come from? What and whose purpose does it serve? I was shoveling fertilizer into my garden the other day while meditating on this conundrum. It is amazing what crap comes to mind when you are shoveling poo. Then it hit me. This negative self-talk did not start out fully formed. These were not transplanted thoughts or ideas from someone else; rather, they started out almost innocently, like a dandelion seed gently floating on the breeze after being blown to the wind by a toddler making a wish. Innocent, yet pervasive, plants. The dandelion seed parachutes into the greenery of my garden and gently alights on the soil. Some unseen force takes over as the seed takes root and burrows deep in the safety of the ground before forcing its way back out into the sunlight. The whole purpose of its existence is to grow and spread. The same can be said of the weeds that cause feelings of unworthiness: shame, guilt, anger, resentment and fear. Who knows where those seeds come from and what wish blew them into existence. Like the dandelions, they started out innocently and beneficently. Perhaps a parent’s caution about climbing on a rock in the yard meant to keep the child safe, grows into a profound fear of heights years later. I remember the first time I felt shame. I was young, around five years old, and standing naked in front of the washing machine. I smelled like urine, and all my bedding was being put into the wash. I had wet the bed again. I remember the sound my mother made when she discovered she had another morning of laundry, that clucking sound and then a sigh. Forever, this is the sound of shame for me. 22
In Recovery Magazine
Winter 2016
In Recovery Magazine’s Editor’s Choice Award (2016)
by Dr. George Baxter-Holder
My mother wanted me to stop wetting the bed, perhaps for her own sake, but I would prefer to think that it was for mine, too. Regardless of her reasons, her wish blew a seed into my life garden. Unaware, I allowed the weed to grow and flourish. Whenever something happened that caused my mother to sigh and cluck her tongue, I would instantly be transported back in time, standing barefoot and naked on the cold concrete in front of the washer. Whether it was the time I fell out of a tree or when I cut my chin on a fence or broke a dish, that shame would sprout and bloom. I was unworthy.
As I turned the soil, I found my Higher Power was there with nutrients for a better life. I inventoried what I pulled from the ground and replanted or nurtured the plants I wanted to flourish: intelligence, service, compassion and kindness. I knew I needed to be persistent and vigilant in order to keep the weeds of unworthiness from going to seed or taking root again. When I look at my life today, I am amazed how beautifully it has grown. To be honest, I wish my garden never needed weeding and that all of my assets would grow abundantly, but that is not the reality. Like an actual garden, my life needs daily care and attention. When negative self-talk comes up, and it does, I can’t just pull off the leaves or pretend it’s not there; I must embrace the truth about myself.
The older I got, the more the weeds of shame, guilt, resentment, anger, self-pity and self-loathing seemed to propagate. It didn’t matter what or how much I accomplished, there was always an underlying insecurity stemming from one or more of these weeds. The only thing that controlled Yes, there was a flood of negative self-talk that day after my my weed problem was drugs. introduction. I did not deny it or try to mask it. Instead, Using drugs was akin to paving over my garden with I leaned lovingly and compassionately into it, armed with asphalt. It wasn’t pretty, but it did control the weeds for a the Truth. Thanks to my Higher Power and recovery, I can while. My drug use also added an earthquake of delusion be seen by others as “the most beautiful and accomplished and paranoia to the mix. Pretty soon the smooth asphalt man.” was cracked and broken by an abundance of those noxious, spreading weeds. None of the ugliness mattered as long as Thanks to recovery, I live my life abundantly and fully. I had methamphetamines in my prison of isolation. I was Negative self-talk is conquered by positive, affirmative slowly rotting from the inside out, being overtaken by vines talk. My shame is being replaced with self-esteem. Guilt is thwarted with service, and anger diminishes in the face of fear and tendrils of degradation. of love. When I eat well, exercise and care for myself, the It wasn’t until I found myself in a real prison that the fog extremes of self-pity and self-importance are harnessed by began to lift. Staring out of my cell window, the actions and humility, and resentment and self-loathing seem to melt inactions that led me to this place became abundantly clear. away. My supply of blame placed on others ran out. There I was, After that talk, I was met with thunderous applause. In stuck in the mess that my life garden had become. the midst of that affirmative praise, I remembered that Sometimes, drastic measures are the only solution for a I am a good and kind person. I am a hardworking employee, garden overrun with invasive vegetation. For me, getting a talented speaker, a caring friend and a loving partner to clean was that drastic measure. My first step was to admit my husband, Travis. that my garden needed a thorough weeding. I had no idea how I would get clean, let alone how I would stay clean. I The weed of unworthiness did not paralyze me. Instead, was oppressed by my fear and self-loathing. I hated my life I saw it for what it was and vigilantly weeded it out of my mind. and couldn’t see a way out. I had to be willing to start weeding. Getting down on my knees with my hands in the dirt, I asked my Higher Power for the strength to pull out each plant. With the help of some powerful tools, I got to work. Armed with my Higher Power and the Twelve Steps, I began clearing away the choking weeds that had grown from those seeds planted so very long ago. I was not alone. I had the help of other people in recovery to help me weed my garden. Winter 2016
In Recovery Magazine
Dr. George Baxter-Holder, affectionately known as “Dr. George,” is in long-term recovery. He received his Doctor of Nursing Practice from Duke University and is a nurse practitioner in facial aesthetics. He is a published author, speaker, coach, teacher and actor. He is a sought-after expert in recovery, health, wellness and beauty. GeorgeBaxter-Holder.com
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by Janet A. Hopkins
“We are not in the business of changing people; our purpose is to gently offer hope and options.”
D
r. James O’Connell isn’t your ordinary doctor. He is a street doctor with Boston Health Care for the Homeless Program (BHCHP), the nonprofit he has led since its founding. “Dr. Jim,” as he is called by his patients, has treated Boston’s homeless men, women and children for the past 30 years. After wandering around “committed to nothing,” O’Connell discovered his passion. He entered Harvard Medical School at age 30 and following his graduation from medical school, he began a three-year residency in internal medicine at Massachusetts General Hospital. A twist of fate in 1985 led him to the streets. O’Connell was nearing the end of his residency when he was called into the Chief of Medicine’s office. . Dr. John Potts, a man he deeply admired, and Dr. Thomas Durant, his longtime mentor, urged him to delay a planned oncology fellowship and take a one-year, full-time position 24
Dr. James O’Connell (Stories from the Shadows, p. 105)
with the city of Boston’s health care for the homeless program funded by the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation. “Because I admired [them both] so much, the question was rhetorical and of course I said yes.” Thus began the journey of a lifetime. Boston’s program was developed by city movers and shakers angry about the healthcare profession’s poor response to the ever-present homeless population. It was built around the idea that homeless individuals needed full-time, dedicated medical treatment providers, not just volunteers and charity. As a foot soldier in the challenging yet inspiring effort to provide parity treatment for men, women and children living in the shelters and streets of Boston, O’Connell began documenting the stories he observed. “My first impressions did not bear out. The homeless lead complicated and difficult lives,” he explained. “I was blown
In Recovery Magazine
Winter 2016
away by their courage. The universal theme was that they were born into abject poverty and adverse circumstances; they faced insurmountable odds every day. Cigarettes, alcohol and drugs were often the only comfort they had.” One client, finally sober, told O’Connell, “Drinking is the only way I can work through this.” Addressing homelessness is a complex set of problems facing every city, town and hamlet in the country. Fueled by increasing wage disparities, the opioid epidemic, lack of treatment options for addiction and mental illness, and the dramatic lack of affordable housing all around the country (aka, the “Not in My Backyard!” sentiment), the number of individuals finding themselves living on the streets has been rising at an alarming rate. These individuals – often dehumanized, spurned and invisible – have become the New World’s pariahs and lepers. Many are devastated by addiction and alcoholism, and they experience significant medical problems that result in frequent visits to emergency rooms. “In 1985, I knew three or four things that would solve [these problems],” O’Connell explained. “Better healthcare, stable housing, better medications and community-based support networks. Housing can be key to solving most of these problems.” He likened this work to treating people who have been in a disaster. “Homelessness is the prism we hold up to society. What is refracted are all the weaknesses in our systems, all contributing to the problem.”
drug use or maladjusted behavior. Their families break up, and they find themselves living without support in their cars or on the street. “The story for women is very different and often complicated by severe early childhood trauma, violence or sexual abuse. Most have suffered terribly. They rarely come from stable families, and many are from homes decimated by alcoholism and addiction. A large percentage of them have severe mental illnesses,” O’Connell explains. “Most are in dire need of trauma treatment and time.” The BHCHP has raised the bar with comprehensive, dedicated medical care, for over 12,000 homeless men, women and children each year, all provided by paid clinical staff. Teams deliver high quality healthcare to some of the community’s most vulnerable – and most resilient – citizens. Among them are chronically ill adults, veterans, families with school-age children, and the elderly. These are the people who stay in emergency shelters or motel rooms, eat in soup kitchens or visit drop-in centers. These are also the men and women who find themselves on the streets, trying to survive in makeshift shelters under bridges, down alleyways and behind city buildings. BHCHP teams roam city streets and comb shelters and motels for those in need of their services. “We go where they are,” said O’Connell. “In downtown Boston, many of them are at the intersection of Albany Street and Massachusetts
In his book, Stories from the Shadows, O’Connell (2015) notes, “We are bereft of creative and effective treatment options for chronically homeless persons with severe and chronic alcoholism and drug abuse . . . substance abuse treatment has emerged as one of our most vexing challenges.” (p. 147) During the deinstitutionalizing movement of the 1970s, promised community-based support was never fully funded. There were horrible unintended consequences; former wards of the state often became the new homeless, some living in shelters that were once mental institutions. Acute care was available, but there was no respite care. The sick grew sicker. The mentally ill went without medications, or worse, were overmedicated and unsupervised. Many alcoholics and addicts resorted to crime to fund their addictions. Some contracted hard-to-treat diseases and others overdosed, dying in the streets or in flophouses. There were epidemics of addiction-related illnesses, including an outbreak of drug-resistant TB in male drinkers; an increase in HIV and AIDS among needle-using drug addicts; and widespread cases of hepatitis. These outbreaks were often directly related to drug use, and there were virtually no treatments available. The financial burdens fell on local police, emergency and acute care providers; the economic fallout from these catastrophic outbreaks lingers. O’Connell estimates there are 3-4 men for every one homeless woman. For men, the journey typically begins with losing a marginal job, often as a result of alcohol or Winter 2016
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Equine Assisted Learning
Avenue. It is the location of our main building and the epicenter of the city’s drug overdoses.” BHCHP provides Suboxone (a drug that can help suppress withdrawal symptoms and reduce cravings), detox, substance abuse groups and treatment on demand. Narcan™ rescue kits are available free of charge. Narcan™, also known as naloxone, is a prescription medication that blocks the effects of opioids and reverses an overdose.
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Recently, after observing 4-5 overdoses in the BHCHP’s lobby each week, the program opened a room called the Safe Place for Observation and Treatment (SPOT) to closely monitor individuals deemed to be at risk of overdose. Staff is constantly on the alert for anyone who appears to be heavily sedated. People are taking cocktails of many medications and drugs; opioids are but the tip of the iceberg. Most at risk are those who have taken a mixture of heroin and fentanyl; this cocktail is frequently lethal. BHCHP’s innovative Barbara McInnis House, a 104-bed medical respite facility, provides acute and sub-acute, pre- and post-operative care for vulnerable patients with chronic diseases such as diabetes, hypertension and cancer. The McInnis House also offers palliative and end-of-life care. Everyday successes are a living tribute to the ideals of a just society: dedicated staff share their passion for the mission and support each other in bringing the mission alive; donors find a fulfilling way to respond to their concerns for those on the street; shelter partners benefit from BHCHP’s medical expertise while focusing on their core mission, avoiding wasteful duplication of services; and local hospitals depend on BHCHP as an alternative to the emergency room, as well as a safe discharge location for medically vulnerable patients.
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So how can other communities win this war when the odds against success remain so high? BHCHP has provided a compassionate template. O’Connell believes the goal is to keep the homeless alive, house them in a stable setting, then treat the underlying mental, emotional and substance abuse issues. “Homelessness will never truly be abolished until our society addresses persistent poverty as the most powerful social determinant of health. Meanwhile, we must put our shoulder to the rock and work together ever more passionately to ease suffering and to seek an end to the injustice of homelessness (Stories from the Shadows, p. 179).”
928.231.2351
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In Recovery Magazine
Dr. James O’Connell is president of BHCHP and an assistant professor of medicine at Harvard Medical School. He designed and implemented the nation’s first computerized medical record software program for the homeless and served as the national director of the Homeless Families Program from 1989 through 1996. He is the editor of The Health Care of Homeless Persons, and he has been featured on ABC’s Nightline and in a feature-length documentary entitled “Give Me a Shot of Anything.” He has received numerous awards, including the Albert Schweitzer Humanitarian Award in 2012. His first book, Stories from the Shadows: Reflections of a Street Doctor, was published in 2015. www.bhchp.org/stories-shadows
Winter 2016
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The Creative High
In Recovery Magazine’s Artist of the Year (2016)
by Adriana Marchione
I
am an artist and a person in recovery; this statement illustrates how I define myself and shape my world. When I got sober in 1993, I found it absolutely necessary to connect with people in recovery who could show me a new way of life. However, the artistic resources and mentorship necessary for me to maintain my creative life and artistic integrity were missing. I have had to find my own way in unearthing artistic expression that has supported my recovery. I was a “pure alcoholic,” never using drugs except for periodic pot smoking, which I didn’t enjoy because of its anxiety-producing effects. Alcohol was my solace, keeping me up when I needed an emotional charge and quieting my nerves when I was uncomfortable. It was also a useful companion to my artistic life. I began creating in high school. At college in Ohio, I became a photography/mixed media artist. I was consumed by my artwork. I felt at home in the darkroom, and I worked on creative projects late at night when I could focus and find inspiration. Alcohol accompanied me as I worked and listened to music; it also became my social lubricant at parties, art openings and at the dive bars I frequented. I drank for seven years. Alcohol was beginning to 28
significantly inhibit and disturb my life; it was also affecting my art. When I would drink while photographing, the quality of my work suffered. I moved to San Francisco in 1992 with the idea that I could get away from my troubles and find creative success. Instead, I quickly hit bottom, which involved many painful and humiliating experiences. One of the most significant ones was being assaulted on my doorstep after a night of drinking during the Rodney King riots. I couldn’t get my key in the door due to my impaired state. This experience woke me up to the reality that my drinking was putting me in danger. The illusion of invincibility quickly became clear, and a light went on. I slowly began to pursue recovery. I found many advocates and peers to support me in an existence without alcohol, but I struggled to maintain a sober artistic life. While still drinking, I had helped open a bar and had become its art curator. My social scene consisted of writers, artists and musicians who mainly hung out and drank in the Mission and Haight Districts of San Francisco. Like anyone who makes the life-changing move into recovery, everything turned upside down, including my identity as an artist.
In Recovery Magazine
Winter 2016
feature film about artists who have faced addiction, how they create and how they found recovery. Over the last year, my film team and I have interviewed a variety of artists from punk rock, folk and hip hop musicians to dancers and visual artists to performers and comedians. It has been an exhilarating yet intense process, and it is a perfect synergy of my personal and professional interests.
Engaging directly with the art world linked me to my drinking triggers, so I cut ties to protect myself. I stopped going to bars to listen to music, and I no longer felt motivated to exhibit my art or volunteer at the local photography gallery. My camera, which had always hung around my neck, was placed in a closet. My life was more peaceful. I felt safer as part of a community of recovering people who thought as I did and had my back. Sobriety saved my life, and I began building a foundation for a healthy future. My art took a back seat as I focused on the work of recovery. After a while, I began finding simple ways to be creative that were more personal. I created a visual diary using collage, and I started drawing to describe my feelings and thoughts. I became interested in art therapy. With four years of recovery, I began training in expressive arts therapy and psychology. I created a successful business using the arts to heal, working as a creative consultant for drug/alcohol addiction and eating disorder treatment facilities and leading art recovery retreats in the Santa Cruz Mountains. After working for ten years in this field, I found myself at a creative impasse. I realized that I had lost my edge and the excitement of making my own art. I had dabbled in a number of different art mediums throughout the years, but something was missing. I was also going through some major life-changing experiences that caused me to reassess life and recovery. I lost my husband, Eddie, to lung cancer, and my father died suddenly. Eddie and I had met in recovery and had a meaningful twelve years together. After a few years of grief and transition, I decided to dig back into my roots as a media artist through film. In 2014, I produced a short film, When the Fall Comes, which chronicled the grief of my personal journey through loss use using performance, dance and poetry. The film was completed on a very low budget and was packed with heartbreak and beauty. It did well at film festivals and helped to reestablish my footing in the art world.
In my expressive arts therapy world, I work with art as a strong structure; my focus is on creating a sense of safety rather than pushing boundaries. In my personal life as an artist, I am doing something different. As I step into any new art medium, I must embrace the chaos of the creative process in a way that harkens back to my drinking days. I wake up at night with ideas; I am driven and work long hours, often without enough rest. The incredibly hard work of film production involves difficult decisions. Managing a film crew and fundraising to keep the project alive is challenging work. I can sometimes lose sight of my recovery tools and community. To pace myself, I must periodically return to this foundation for grounding. My recovery is multifaceted. To continue to grow, I need to feel alive and artistically engaged. Art has been the through line of my recovery, helping me to find purpose as it maintains vibrancy in my life. Art is a higher power for me. The spiritual aspect of my recovery asks me to close the door to distraction so I can sit quietly and listen for my own inspirations. Miraculously, they come. This creativity brings me an endless source of illumination and enables me to face the fears and insecurities that inevitability arrive with any creative endeavor.
Soon after, I began work on a second film, The Creative High, which has become my main focus. It is a documentary Winter 2016
In Recovery Magazine
Adriana Marchione, MA, REAT, RSMT, has been involved in the arts for over 25 years as a filmmaker, exhibiting visual artist, Argentine tango dancer, arts curator, performer and healing artist. She is a leader in her work as an expressive arts therapist and educator, working with a special focus on addiction and recovery, trauma and grief. Adriana is currently directing The Creative High and records a podcast interviewing artists in recovery. www.thecreativehigh.com and www.adrianamarchione.com
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by Ben Ben the Fisherman
I
began drawing cartoons in the early 1980s while still drinking, drugging and working as a nurse at the National Institutes of Health (NIH). I poked fun at my coworkers, all healthcare researchers, for their unhealthy behaviors, like smoking cigarettes during their breaks.
After being confronted about my own addictive behaviors, I got clean on January 4, 1988, and began attending Twelve Step recovery meetings. I grew very close to my sponsor and the network of men I met. I was joking with a very special friend, the late Kevin A. from Virginia, and drew a cartoon for his anniversary about a topic we both found amusing – a long-winded speaker who was boring the audience by digressing into all aspects of growing up.
Kevin kept that cartoon on his fridge for months. At a meeting sometime later, the local intergroup newsletter chair announced the need for submissions of stories, poems or cartoons for the next publication. I copied and submitted the cartoon, which was well received. The chairperson then asked me for another submission. I went home, thought about it, and drew a second cartoon about a guy who was irate over a girl who had broken his anonymity. He was wearing as many articles of Narcotics Anonymous (NA) clothing as possible and had NA bumper stickers plastered all over his car. The newsletter editors wanted more cartoons after that, but I explained to them, “You know, those cartoons I drew were pretty funny, but I think I’m all tapped out of ideas.” About a week later, I was sitting in a hot tub with my wife, Beth, talking about the newsletter submissions and drawing cartoons. During our conversation, I suddenly felt inspired and realized, hey, wait a minute, I could draw all that funny stuff you see and hear in meetings and all the absurd life situations that come up in recovery. The floodgates opened. Like a madman on a mission, I started drawing cartoons every day. I called it my “employment hobby,” and drew many cartoons during work. It helped that I was a nurse on a 28-day addiction treatment unit, where the patients provided a wealth of new material.
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I felt as though I were pioneering new territory, as I had never before seen any Twelve Step-related cartoons.
addition, I am pursuing my PhD in nursing. My research topic is using humor as a way to help people struggling with substance use disorders.
My artwork was a little rough in the beginning, but I felt the humor was more important than the quality of the drawing. After a couple years, I had created several hundred cartoons and wasn’t quite sure what to do with them. The monthly newsletter couldn’t keep up with me, so I searched for a new venue in which to present my work.
Thus far, my research has indicated that newcomers to Twelve Step recovery don’t experience much humor in the last days and even years of using (not surprising). Once clean, sober and in the Program, it’s as if the floodgates open; laughing and humor re-emerge in their lives. As they recover, they tend to find clean ways to have fun and they begin to enjoy life. Interestingly, newcomers seem to most enjoy the inside jokes you hear at meetings, jokes that only recovering addicts would understand. Humor helps them engage and identify with the old-timers, and also to feel included in these special groups. This identification with others, as well as the feeling that they belong, is vital for broken individuals. Typically, their lives have been shattered and their friends and family have been hurt by their behaviors. The unconditional love and support found in the Twelve Step meetings and from their sponsors enable newcomers to change and grow in recovery.
By this time, I had made cartoons about every one of the Twelve Steps and most of the Traditions. A dear friend, Hugh M., helped me self-publish my first book, Recovery Cartoons. The following year, my wife, Beth, created a website and helped me produce the second book, Conference Approved. Shortly thereafter, life drastically changed with the birth of our twins, Karen and Kevin (named in memory of Kevin A.). The focus of our lives shifted to raising our children, two wonderful gifts of our recovery. I still drew cartoons regularly, but no longer pursued marketing and publishing.
In my future research, I hope to identify particularly helpful styles of humor, as well as those that may be hurtful. I also hope to publish another book someday. I like the title, Tradition Violations, to poke fun at those in the Program who can get a little self-righteous and rigid. I hope to expand my audience to include newspapers, magazines, daily calendars and greeting cards. It is important for us all to remember Rule 62 (look it up if you don’t know it) and learn to laugh and have fun in our recovery.
I often draw personal cartoons for greeting cards when my friends in recovery celebrate an anniversary. I also met R.T. from www.intherooms.com at an NA convention; he loved the cartoons and has been publishing them regularly in the site’s newsletter, The Hitch. In 2010, I retired from my clinical research nurse position at the treatment program and began teaching for the University of Maryland School of Nursing, where I also coordinate the undergraduate psychiatric mental health program. In Winter 2016
In Recovery Magazine
Ben Canha, RN, aka Ben Ben the Fisherman has an MA in Addictions Nursing from the University of Maryland, where he is a full-time clinical instructor at the Maryland School of Nursing. He is a retired clinical research nurse at NIH, in Bethesda, Maryland, and lectures at medical conferences and treatment centers. www.recoverycartoons.com
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Everyday Miracle
by Dustin Dillow
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Winter 2016
A
fter so many struggles in my life – war, broken relationships, a failed marriage, depression and homelessness – I gave myself an excuse to become someone I did not want to be. I became a bad husband, an absent father, a manipulative son and a distant brother. Bent on self-destruction, I was consumed with my own self-hatred, and I couldn’t have cared less about anyone who got in my way. I used every excuse to manipulate and justify my actions because I told myself that I deserved to do what I wanted. I had earned it, yet I hated myself for it. I had never wanted to die, but I tried to kill myself . . . twice. Let that sink in a bit. Suicide would have been the ultimate achievement for this selfish person. I never succeeded because I never really wanted to die. I had moments when I thought I wanted to die, moments when I was out of control and unable to stop drinking. In those moments, death seemed like the better alternative. How very wrong I was. I will forever be putting the pieces back together and repairing the damage I have caused in my own life and in the lives of the people around me. There are no excuses anymore. As hard as it may be to say, I have accepted that I am an alcoholic. At first, I blamed my alcoholism on the war, my failed marriage, nagging parents, anxiety, depression – you name it. In truth, however, there was no one to blame but myself. No one forced my addiction upon me. While I believe addiction is a disease, I don’t think it should be used as just another excuse for an alcoholic’s undying search for that next drink. “I have a disease, don’t cha’ know!” It was obvious I would never stop or even want to stop until I admitted my life was unmanageable and I was powerless. Some people never fully admit this. I was afraid to live. This wasn’t the life I wanted, and things weren’t going the way I planned. These were my excuses to keep drinking. I went to rehab and told them I was sober. I hoped I would look good in their eyes and they would leave me alone. In reality, I was a bold-faced liar. Although I wasn’t drinking, I wasn’t sober. My sobriety didn’t last long. I began to drink again while continuing to tell people I was sober. I was so consumed with hiding my drinking that I lost sight of reality. The disease whispered in my ear and made me believe I could handle it. Before I knew it, it had me in its grasp again. In reality, I think it had me all along.
Why does it so often take a catastrophic or life-altering event to appreciate how precious and short life is? We addicts die a little every day. There will be no tomorrow for some of us, and some of us miss the opportunities we have right now. Finally, I was desperate enough for change. I was experiencing great distress in my life. I was conscious of this distress but not yet aware of its origin. When I realized I was the cause, I also realized I was the only one who could end it. In the past, I have been selfish for all the wrong reasons. Now, in my never-ending quest for sobriety and clarity, I am selfish for all the right reasons. Doesn’t make sense, does it? At first, it didn’t make sense to me, either. I am constantly learning something new. I am on a journey for truth and enlightenment, and I am discovering these truths through sobriety. I believe honesty is the only way to find the real truth. When I say honesty, I don’t just mean being honest by not lying. I mean being so completely honest with myself that everything else comes together. I am finally finding myself. My own higher power lives within me. This power gives me the ability to love and forgive myself and to move forward. Today, I am able to share my love with others and am grateful I have much to offer. Getting to this place was easier said than done, and I continue to work at it on a daily basis. Many people have told me how happy they are for me and that I am an inspiration. None of that matters, though. It is nice to hear, but it won’t keep me sober; only I can do that. I hope I can inspire others, but at the end of the day the only inspiration I need is myself. Even if I had tried to run forever from my addiction, I couldn’t have escaped reality. I could fervently deny the existence of God, but that reality was always right there staring me in the face. This is my reality. This is the order I rely on in the chaos of addiction. I know I am flawed. I am not perfect, but I know I am loved. I have learned to accept my reality. This is my life. This is my truth. I choose this life one day at a time. So smile; why not? Be happy. It takes more effort to be angry. Live; really live. Be everything, or be nothing, but be.
I wanted help to stop but for all the wrong reasons. None of my reasons were for me.
Winter 2016
In Recovery Magazine
Dustin Dillow is a USMC veteran and was a professional chef for twelve years. He is currently the director of operations for a sober living facility in Chicago, Illinois. He enjoys spending time with his three children and his girlfriend, writing his blog and coaching youth sports. He is pursuing a master’s degree in clinical counseling with a focus on addiction studies. www.knowhopenow.wordpress.com
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A BROKEN RECORD B
eing a musician is my deepest passion. Early on, I realized that being a rocker pretty much meant you could do or say whatever the hell you wanted, which was very appealing to me. My rebellious “screw the world” attitude was polished at a young age to cover up my insecurities from feeling lost as a kid. As I listened to bands like Social Distortion, Dead Kennedys, and 2 Live Crew, I cultivated a certain coolness and attitude. The first time I picked up a microphone and stood in front of a few people with hardcore punk rock blasting through the speakers behind me, I felt invincible. My insecurities and worries went out the door faster than a convict released from prison. It was a powerful high. I grew up in the 1980s with alcohol, drug use and partying all around me. It was the norm in my household. By the late 1990s, alcohol, drugs and partying were producing another high for me. I had no reinforcements to help me withstand the storm that would follow. With alcohol and drugs flooding my veins, I jumped around on stage like a madman, whaling my arms, thrashing my head and making faces that made me look half-man, halfdemon. I took out all of my aggression; it was exhilarating. I was superhuman; I could do anything and be anyone I wanted. Unfortunately, I had no idea who the hell that was!
one day I would prove everyone wrong and “make it.” It was an endless journey of peaks and valleys. I alternated between indulging in self pity, playing the victim and having a bad attitude, all made worse with plenty of booze and cigarettes to compliment my excuses for my behavior and failure.
Even after one of my idols, Nick Traina from the East Bay ska punk band Link-80, died of a heroin overdose, I still believed that I needed to drink and do drugs in order to “make it” in the music business. They helped me be creative. This was what rock stars did, or so I thought.
In 2008, I married Jess, the love of my life. In 2010, we had our beautiful baby girl, Lucy. I vowed to quit the drugs and alcohol for good so I could be a great father to my daughter, but my promise did not last long. Before long, I was again chasing the bottle and the dream of making it in the music business.
As I coasted into my mid-20s, the band thing was not quite working out as I expected. I was in a number of different bands, playing local shows and sometimes out of town, while dry walling to pay the bills, a job I hated. Succeeding in the music industry was harder than I thought; I was slowly learning that there was much more to the business than just partying and playing.
In 2011, a close friend and I published an album, Chemical Diet. This was our last ditch effort to get a record deal. The title described what we were doing during that sluggish year of recording; there were many drug-induced late nights. All the while, my wife and baby girl were wondering what the hell I was doing and where the hell I was. My life had become a broken record.
I was still operating under the false impression that the “magic music fairy” would come down and sign me to a record deal. I refer to this as the “dreaming drunk” state. I daydreamed about my life and continued to believe that
Not long after my 32nd birthday, I woke up in the small, musty detox room of a 30-day rehab program. I had managed to drag my guitar there, but when I got a chance to play it, it just didn’t feel the same. Did I need to get high to
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Winter 2016
play? Maybe I needed a drink to loosen up? Maybe I just wasn’t that good? Later on, I figured out it wasn’t any of these. I discovered I simply wasn’t as passionate about music as I had once thought. Allow me to explain. I love music. I love writing. I love singing, and I love strumming an old dusty acoustic. I am passionate about music, but my passion was confused with the desire to live in the fantasy world. Mixed with substance abuse, it was a recipe for an unfulfilled dream. I never understood the stability and business savvy it took to succeed in the music business. I had no clue. Today, the dream of having a career in the music industry is behind me. I still love to play my guitar and sing an old Social D or Hank Williams song. I have fun rocking out in my living room with my two-year-old son, Cash, and watching him bang his drumsticks together as he tries to keep a beat. I now play because I enjoy playing, not because I am looking for fame or fortune.
from a guy on the other side of the world telling me how last week’s podcast had saved his life, the positive effects are amazing on both ends. Today my life is about the pursuit of happiness through relationships and positive selflove. I may produce another acoustic album some day, but who knows when that might be. I’ll leave that decision, and the many others that I cannot control, up to Him, the Man with the Plan. I leave you with a quote from Danielle Steele, the mother of a punk rock icon and who, like so many other moms, lost her son to mental illness and addiction. Her son, Nick Traina, was an inspiration to me and many other lost kids trying to find their way in a world full of confusion. “If I had three wishes, one would be that he had never suffered from mental illness, the other would be of course that he were alive today, but the third would be that someone had warned me, at some point, that his illness – manic depression – could kill him. It was Nick who made it all worthwhile, and worth fighting for. He did it for us, and for himself, and we for him. It was a dance of love from beginning to end. His was a life worth living, whatever the handicaps and challenges. I think he’d agree with that. And I have no doubt of it. I have no regrets, no matter how hard it was. I wouldn’t have given up one second with him. And what happened in the end was his destiny. As his song says, “Destiny . . . dance with me, my destiny.” And how sweet the music was. The sound of it will forever live on, just like Nick, and our love for him.” – Danielle Steele
As it turns out, the thousands of hours I spent writing, recording, producing and performing weren’t all for nothing. Six months out of rehab, I found a new passion that changed my life. In April 2014, I started That Sober Guy and Sober Guy Radio. There, I found deep fulfillment as I dove headfirst into vulnerability and shared my story on the Sober Guy platform. I discovered there were many others struggling with the same issues. Because I kept the show’s content real and raw, with no filters for language or topics, I attracted new listeners every day. This mindset stemmed from my love for the punk rock way, the DIY mentality, and the Link-80 “Against-the-Rest” attitude, where truth and independence always prevail. I occasionally invite recovering musicians onto the show and regularly talk with philosophers, professional athletes, entrepreneurs, interventionists, doctors, veterans and many others. Everything I have accomplished has been the result of my surrendering, and my determination to make a difference and put my true passion out on the table for the RIGHT reasons.
Excerpt from HIS BRIGHT LIGHT by Danielle Steel, copyright © 1998 by The Nick Traina Foundation. Used by permission of Dell Publishing, an imprint of Random House, a division of Penguin Random House LLC. All rights reserved. Any third party use of this material, outside of this publication, is prohibited. Interested parties must apply directly to Penguin Random House LLC for permission.
I’ve discovered a deep love for helping others. My life isn’t perfect, and neither am I. However, when I get an email Winter 2016
In Recovery Magazine
Shane Ramer lives in Northern California with his wife and two children. He is the creator and host of ThatSoberGuy. com and Sober Guy Radio. He also is a corporate podcast producer with an extensive background in music and production. He is clean and sober since September 2013. www.ThatSoberGuy.com
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The Bookstand Recovery is the subject of countless books, blogs, films, CDs and apps. Below are some titles worth a look. If you would like us to include your books, blogs, films, CDs or apps in this column, please contact editor@inrecoverymagazine.com
nnel J. O’ C o James
l, M.D.
S STORIE WS SH ADO F RO M
THE
r eet Docto ns of a Str Reflectio A
Addiction to Recovery: Unlocking your Potential (David McCauley, XLIBRIS, reprint 2016). This book is a collection of existential realizations, recovery, education and years working in the field of addiction. An integrated approach to living in the wellness of recovery, it is designed to reveal personal insights into the recovery process. It explores the best-known treatment and the theories behind it. http://www.oakvalleyfoundation. com/services.html
Drugs, Food, Sex and God (Dr. George Baxter-Holder, Influence Publishing Inc., 2015). This self-help memoir lays out nine simple steps for living with the power of intention and shows others how to reclaim their lives. From convict to doctor, from addiction to healing and abundance, from the darkness of a prison cell to helping empower others, this is a profoundly personal and inspirational journey. http://georgebaxter-holder.com
Stories from the Shadows: Reflections of a Street Doctor (Jim J. O’Connell, BHCHP Press, 2015). Dr. O’Connell’s collection of stories and essays, written over 30 years of caring for homeless persons in Boston, gently illuminates the humanity and raw courage of those who struggle to survive and to find meaning and hope while living on the streets. https://www.bhchp.org/storiesshadows
Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls (Robert Burney, Joy to You & Me Enterprises, 2012). Burney’s inspirational work has been compared to John Bradshaw’s. His approach to codependency recovery and inner child healing offers a powerful, life-changing formula for integrating love, spiritual truth and intellectual knowledge of healthy behavior into one’s emotional experience of life. In this book, he combines Twelve Step recovery principles, metaphysical truth and Native American spirituality with quantum physics and molecular biology, presenting his belief that we are all connected, we are all extensions of the Divine, and that ultimately love is our true essence. http://Joy2MeU.com
Healing the Wounds of Childhood (Don St. John, Amazon Digital Services LLC, 2015). This book is an inspiring story of the author’s ability to transcend a traumatic childhood and an exploration of the relationship among body, mind, stress, health, love and relationship. A must-read for anyone on the road to recovery. Available on Amazon.
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In Recovery Magazine
Winter 2016
The Creative High (Adriana Marchione, Documentary, 2017). This is the second film by director Adriana Marchione. Her first film, “When the Fall Comes,” is a stunning portrait of a personal grief journey. Marchione brings her extensive experience as an artist, teacher and expressive arts therapist to this next film project. In it she explores how artists who have faced addiction create. Following the lives of musicians, visual artists, dancers and performers, this film will be a testament to the chaotic and passionate nature of art-making. http://www.thecreativehigh.com
Craving: Why We Can’t Seem to Get Enough (Omar Manejwala, M.D. Hazelden, 2013). The author, a nationally recognized expert on compulsive behaviors, translates the neurobiology of this phenomenon into real and accessible terms and explains why we just can’t seem to get enough. He provides tools to change our actions and remap our brains to achieve freedom from these seemingly insatiable desires, and then gives us tools and guidance to find satisfaction without giving in to our cravings. http://www.manejwala.com/craving
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The McShin Foundation received In Recovery Magazine’s 2016 Making a Difference Award.
by John Shinholser
I
t’s sad to say, but the stigma surrounding addiction and recovery is killing as many people suffering from substance use disorders (SUDs) as are the drugs and alcohol themselves. Addiction is simply not treated as a disease. Not yet. Think about it. Almost everyone I know who suffers from cancer is seeking and receiving appropriate care, yet a person with an SUD has to be in a criminal justice situation or near death in order to receive appropriate care. Our culture perpetuates stigma, which prevents intelligent people from seeking help when they or their loved ones first show the signs of addiction. This year alone, we are likely to see more than 51,000 deaths due to drug overdoses. This does not account for the several hundred thousand alcohol- and drug-related deaths that might have been prevented. We rarely, if ever, see these causes of death in the obituaries. Often, the survivors of those who died from addiction were partially responsible for instilling the stigma against this disease, thus preventing their loved ones from seeking needed help or, at the very least, fortifying their sense of denial – “I’m not that bad.” Upon their death, the one time when family members could let the community know they’ve lost a loved one to an SUD, there is no mention of the disease that killed them. This matters! Our policymakers are hoping this epidemic will magically disappear. It seems people really don’t want to do the right thing. Look around. Are law enforcement agencies turning in unused funds and asking for smaller budgets? Do jails and prisons want to downsize? How about hospitals, ERs and ambulance services – are they slowing down? Not to mention the corporate board rooms. Are pill manufactures and alcohol producers shooting for less output and reduced profits? Special interest groups want secrecy. They want to hush the obituaries and the families of those who have lost loved ones to this disease. We need you. If we don’t speak out, the stigma will live on. Without your help, those of us fighting every day to change this culture against addiction will have to fight longer and harder to succeed. There will be many more unnecessary deaths. 42
If you have buried a loved one and missed your chance to raise awareness about addiction, please consider doing so on your loved one’s birthday or death anniversary. If even half the people who have lost loved ones to addiction will speak out, public opinion will begin to shift. Substance abuse policy is made in every community around the country. If local politicians were to see truthful obituaries, they wouldn’t be able to deny what is happening in their districts. As stigma is reduced, research, recovery and treatment funding increases. More people are able to find help and services in the early stages of SUDs. Education is key for helping people to realize the danger of ignorance, denial and apathy in the fight against addiction. Ignorance is killing people, just as bullying kills kids. Endorsing the stigma around addiction is a form of bullying; the very people you love the most end up being hurt the most. An untruthful obituary is a final act of bullying. Some people might think I’m nuts, but I encourage you to think about my ideas. If you know someone these ideas might help, share this information with them. Cultural stigmas start at home, usually at an early age, and are passed from one generation to the next. Are you willing to stop this trend? Americans have a great history of making sweeping changes when change is needed. Sometimes these movements begin slowly, yet still change happens. Policy happens more quickly at the state and local levels. Remember the old saying, “All politics are local”? Now is a very good time to transform attitudes about addiction in your community. Every day, addiction affects thousands of people: families, neighbors, and communities. With your help, we can make a difference. We can reduce stigma and secrecy. We can effect political change. Together, we can succeed.
In Recovery Magazine
John Shinholser is the President of the McShin Foundation, founded in 2004 in Richmond, Virginia, by John and his wife, Carol McDaid. John has dedicated his life to helping individuals and families in or seeking recovery from the disease of addiction. mcshin.org
Winter 2016
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In Recovery Magazine
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The Magnificence of Ordinariness by Jim Smith
I
grew up in South London. I was adopted and an only child, and I never felt comfortable in my own skin. Until the age of 15, my only escape was music. Then I took my first drink and was prescribed tranquilizers and barbiturates. With these newfound “friends,” I finally felt complete. Sometime during the next two years, I met a professional guitarist who at the time was accompanying Marianne Faithful, the English singer-songwriter and actress. He became a mentor and tried to help me progress in the music business. He arranged two auditions for me with wellknown artists; however, my addiction overtook anything creative and good in my life.
What followed was a profound spiritual experience. I haven’t had a drink or drug since that day. I went to Pinel House, the first rehab outside of America, which was founded by Dr. Max Glatt in 1952. I then spent 15 months in a sober living house.
I spent several months busking – playing music for money on the street – in Paris and had many adventures. My greatest experience was meeting Memphis Slim, an American blues pianist, singer and composer, and playing the blues for him. Upon returning to England, things deteriorated further; I became unemployable, was placed on probation, and went to prison.
I qualified as a social worker in 1995 and have worked in the addiction/recovery field ever since. It’s been an amazing journey. I got married after 18 months of sobriety and now have three daughters and five grandchildren. After 20 years of marriage, I got divorced. Although it was a difficult time, it led to new beginnings. My good friend, Sean, used to say it was “the magnificence of ordinariness.”
I drank Surgical Spirit (also known as rubbing alcohol) for some time before attending my first Alcoholics Anonymous meeting in 1969. After that, I was hospitalized off and on over a six-year period. At the end, I had lost the will to live. I came to in a hospital on October 27, 1976.
I remember being invited to sing at a friend’s rehab
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I went to Barcelona and ran Recovery Holidays. I also wrote Gaudis Castle, my first musical composition. Looking back, I realize I owe everything to the Fellowship and to the people who helped and supported me.
In Recovery Magazine
Winter 2016
program. That evening, I found myself telling stories, as well as playing songs. This seemed to inspire the client group and help them access their emotions. Most importantly, they enjoyed it. Since that evening, I have continued to use stories and music as a way to reach people. In 2011, I was awarded a Winston Churchill Travel Fellowship, a trust that offers opportunities to men and women who are leaders in their field, to effect positive change in society through research and travel. I went to the States for two months, initially staying at Veritas Villas near Woodstock in Kerhonkson, New York, and later spending the last two weeks at the Betty Ford Clinic in Palm Desert, California. A particularly memorable experience was playing at Cumberland Heights, an alcohol and drug rehab center just outside of Nashville, Tennessee. Wherever I went, music presented itself as a guiding light, a dynamic force that gave purpose and meaning to people whose former lives were tragic and self-destructive. For the last three years, a Polish singer called Iga has joined me in “Two Different Roads,” the rehab music project. Iga was an adult child of an alcoholic. On May 1, 2016, our album, The Journey Home, was released. This was something I’d long wanted to do, but my Higher Power decided the timeline, not me. During this time, I presented a recovery radio show on local radio. It was humbling to hear people in recovery share intimate stories from their lives and the music that was important to them. I also became a voice-over artist. Over the years, I have had my fair share of pain, loss and emotional difficulty. In these times, I rely on my faith and my friends in the Fellowship, and I often recall my friend Sean’s words, “the magnificence of ordinariness.” I continue to be amazed at the power and wisdom of the Twelve Step program. There’s always more work to do; the idea is progress, not perfection. Thank you everyone in recovery for inspiring me and showing me the way.
Jim Smith is a musician, social worker and voice-over artist in Beckenham, United Kingdom. He has 40 years in recovery and is still enjoying the journey. http://www.twodifferentroads.com
Winter 2016
In Recovery Magazine
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by Catherine Townsend-Lyon
I I
recently caught up with my good friend and author, Roger Stark, a licensed addiction counselor for the State of Washington and founder of Waterfall Concept, located in Vancouver, Washington. Roger writes exceptional addiction/recovery books. So far, he has two books under his belt. Roger’s most recent book, Reclaiming Your Addicted Brain, was released in June 2016. Written with coauthor, Irwin Morse, this book chronicles the story of George, a man in recovery from alcohol and sex addiction. Clinical notes and commentary appear throughout the story, helping the reader to better understand the baffling disease of addiction. Addicts often report they are able to see their own behaviors more clearly when manifested in someone else. For me, George’s story and misadventures created many “aha” moments of understanding. This is a “how-to” book. As George presents his “legs of a stool” analogy, eloquently describing the steps to recovery, a clinician’s voice adds step-by-step directions on how to gain the necessary skills for a successful recovery. In addition to his recent book, Roger Stark conducts Reveille, Awaken to Recovery mini-camps for those who have struggled to find healing or have experienced treatment failure in their recovery process. His motto? “Bring your desire to change; we will show you how.” These mini-camps were inspired by his manual for addicts, entitled Waterfall Concept: A Blueprint for Addiction Recovery. When he isn’t counseling clients or writing books, Roger loves to travel and enjoy the sights and cultures of the world with Susan, his wife of 45 years. They are also avid geocaching fans. http://reclaimingyouraddictedbrain.com/
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also connected with a new recovery friend and first-time author, Sybil Paige (Paige DePonte), a recent resident of Hawaii via Malibu, California. I was anxious to tell her how much I enjoyed her book, Nobody’s Girl: An Incredible Story About Finding Freedom, which was released in June 2016. This book is a work of hope. “Whether you have experienced trauma or addiction issues or know someone who has, my book speaks to all of us. We all have experienced painful situations at some point or another. While it deals with some difficult topics, my story is written to engage and focus on the positive outcome profited from doing the hard but necessary work to get to the other side of any painful issues.” Sybil writes in a way that resonates with me on a primordial level. This book is an exceptional read. Sybil is an award-winning high fashion photographer and filmmaker. She has traveled the globe to create two fine art coffee table books: GAIA I: Journey into Vanishing Worlds and GAIA II: Song of the Vanishing Tribe, which won a publishing award from the Publisher Marketing Association and was nominated for the prestigious Nautilus Award. She has also written, directed and produced two documentaries in Africa, including the award-winning Xai Xai, Voice of Our Ancestors and several music videos. She was noted to be “. . . one of the most exciting new visual artists of the twentyfirst century,” by Michael Eric Stein, columnist for the Los Angeles Times and Films in Review. Today, Sybil continues her conservation and recovery work on her Triple L Ranch in Maui, Hawaii, where she and her children run a burger joint and offer horseback trail rides. She loves the ocean, surfing and riding horses, and she hopes to release another book about living in long-term recovery. www.sybilpaige.com
In Recovery Magazine
Winter 2016
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by Ella Rowe
I
was sitting in my car in a grocery store parking lot when I found out.
The world felt suddenly small. I was confined to my own personal maelstrom of pain, rage and sadness, inside the fishbowl of my car. I remember the looks on peoples’ faces as they walked by . . . the busy mothers buried under children and grocery bags; the clean-cut professionals leaving with six-packs of beer; the elderly lady trailed by a shopping attendant, carrying all of her bags. They were
memories began to creep up from the dusty corners of my mind, returning in vibrant color with a vengeance. When I hung up, the world slowed down. I rested my forehead on the steering wheel as a tear fell from the tip of my nose into my lap. The storm had passed, and he was gone. A good friend once told me that people who are addicted to heroin don’t keep doing it to get high; they do it to feel normal. I kept this in mind as I
I want to change the way the world sees addiction; it has turned away for too long. Why do people whisper about addiction and rehab? Why don’t people talk about their friends and family who are fighting addiction? Why would shame or personal embarrassment ever be a factor if just listening could save someone’s life? – Ella Rowe
complete strangers, momentarily overcome by concern for me. I saw each of them shake off a desire to do something, and I was glad.
tried to understand him, his life and his death. I knew I would never truly understand. He told me this himself years ago: “You don’t get it, you won’t. I don’t want you to.”
My head was spinning through a conversation with someone I used to know well. We exchanged “whys,” “buts” and “I don’t knows” for what felt like hours. Distant
I traveled over 1,300 miles to attend his memorial service. In the end, the distance was a relief. The flight was quick; the drive was long. Blue skies and golden grass painted
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In Recovery Magazine
Winter 2016
the flat canvas of an early Midwestern spring. I wasn’t sure what sort of peace any of this would bring me. I knew I was there because of a need, not a want. He was a pianist, a brilliant pianist, a prodigy even. He often spoke of how his music and his demons were strangely intertwined, in a constant battle for his focus and his heart. There was standing room only at his funeral. His mentor played the last piano piece my friend had ever learned. It played through all of us, moving, touching and cleansing. The sadness I felt was the kind that started in an unfamiliar place in my heart and slowly seeped into my brain, inciting ideas and action. I was struck with an unquenchable thirst for change and burdened by a desire to reveal the truth with a dream of greater understanding. I knew I wanted to tell stories like his. We Are the Only People We Know is my documentary project that was born from this dream for change. The film will provide intimate and visceral portraits of artists and musicians battling addiction, and the ongoing struggle they face as they seek recovery within a society where addiction is heavily stigmatized.
agitation and relentlessness of a festering addiction. Goosebumps ripple up her arm as she speaks of her darkest times; he struggles under the weight of his heavy world, unable to pull himself from the lingering malaise. The well-worn spot on the couch, the nest of blankets on their bed, a chair in the corner of the back deck, each frame will be a moment that feels like a memory, as we are drawn into the intoxicating beauty and desolation of their art, their music and their salvation. Each story will end with hope. There is no need for a fabricated ending or a neat little bow. We will sit in with each artist as they spend quiet time alone with their method, playing piano, painting, dancing, or staring out over sprawling landscapes, wind tangling their hair. They will share their philosophies on life, love and the pursuit of happiness and speak of how they are happy despite sadness, how they still feel joy despite moments of utter emptiness, how they feel more alive than ever before, and why they endure.
It is my goal to represent each individual story with the multifaceted complexity of that person’s intimate struggle with addiction, whether a hardworking student, a pizza delivery person, an accomplished professional or a high school dropout.
Every day, I wake up with a fire inside. I have a project with a purpose: my labor of love. Despite great sadness, I’ve found that this loss has ignited determination for a larger cause. I hope that We Are the Only People We Know will not only be a documentary, but will also be a movement for improved education, and a higher level of understanding of addiction in communities across the United States, and perhaps even the world.
Each person’s portrait will include everything about them, from their artistic practice to their favorite pair of shoes. The visuals will create an intricate mosaic of their memories and thoughts, illuminating the depth and sincerity of their sense of belonging to, or displacement from, the world around them. I want to travel with them, hold their hand through painful recollections, cry with them over time lost, and smile with them in hope for the future.
Removing the stigma of addiction is the first step in ending the isolation that has kept so many of those suffering from addiction from seeking out or receiving effective and lifesaving treatment. Every time we speak out against the “junkie” stigma, we educate our friends, family and communities and we encourage a society that promotes acceptance, not judgment.
With each interview, I will encourage people to speak out about addiction and to promote a community of support for anyone seeking help. I will attempt to reveal the intensely human and nondiscriminatory nature of addiction by replacing superficial interviews with intimate conversations.
I am still accepting story submissions on both our Facebook page and our website. If you want to be interviewed for We Are the Only People We Know or if you are interested in contributing in other ways, please contact me.
My film is not an attempt at complete understanding of addiction, which will always be just out of reach. It is a brief and powerful vision for those who have never felt the grip of addiction, an opportunity for people to see past the stigma and feel an artist’s obsessions and passions, with the Winter 2016
In Recovery Magazine
Ella Rowe has directed several films, including When We with Daisies Lie and Moving in Absentia. A 2015 graduate of the Minneapolis College of Art and Design with a degree in filmmaking, she now works at an interactive media and film company the Washington, DC, metro area. watopwk@gmail.com, http://wearetheonlypeopleweknow.com
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Book Review by Lena H.
DREAMLAND:
M
ost people are aware that the morphinebased drug OxyContin and its cousin, heroin, are widely abused, but few know the story of how these drugs became the bane of life in towns across America. Author and acclaimed journalist Sam Quinones charts the people, places, and events involved, diving into the story from the springboard of Dreamland, a vast community swimming pool that opened in Portsmouth, Ohio, in 1929. Who would have imagined that 40 years later this thriving town and countless others like it would be experiencing an addiction crisis? In the 1970s, with the new influx of cheap goods from abroad, many of Portsmouth’s factories and businesses closed. Of the inhabitants who stayed, many went on unemployment or disability. Anxious and in pain from years of hard labor, they went to doctors who prescribed OxyContin, paid for by their government insurance. Patients came back for more and more. Some became addicted; some made money selling their cheaply-obtained painkillers for high prices on the streets. As went Portsmouth, so, too, went other towns in the Midwest “Rust Belt.” Meanwhile, some people from Nayarit, a small state on the western coast of Mexico, discovered the US market for black tar heroin harvested from the poppies which grew in Nayarit’s hills. A few entrepreneurs left the little town of Xalisco, Mexico, for California and began a business selling heroin through small “cells.” Cars delivered heroin like pizza, bringing tiny balloons filled with the drug to waiting individuals.
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Family members moved north, started their own cells, and became rich, compared to their struggling, sugarcane-harvesting relatives in Nayarit. Uncles and sons delivered stacks of US designer jeans to Nayarit and built fancy houses there for their families. These “Xalisco boys” soon expanded business to the Midwest and beyond. Unable to afford or obtain enough of the prescription pills, some Americans getting OxyContin from doctors in places like Portsmouth began meeting Xalisco boys in parking lots – even clinic parking lots – to buy black tar heroin, a pure, cheap alternative to pills with the same euphoric effect. The “Black Gold Rush” was on, existing symbiotically with the flow of prescribed opiates. For years, the epidemic seemed to fly under the radar of American law enforcement, while those addicted slipped into the opiate abyss. In 2007, Ohio’s health department proved that drug overdoses were killing more people in the state than car accidents. In 2008, opiate deaths overtook vehicle fatalities nationwide. On Super Bowl Sunday in 2014, when actor Phillip Seymour Hoffman was found dead with a syringe in his arm, all of America “awoke to the opiate epidemic.” By that time, now aware of the dangers, the medical world had begun to cut back on prescribing opiates; however, the now “swollen population of OxyContin addicts nationwide [was switching to heroin] in even greater numbers.” While the US is a long way from recovery, rays of hope do appear. Some drug courts now require treatment instead of prison. More medical facilities are replacing opiates with a multidisciplinary approach to pain treatment. Family and addict support groups are flourishing. State governments are getting involved. A
In Recovery Magazine
Winter 2016
college recovery movement has begun offering drug-free dorms, counseling and scholarships to kids in recovery.
Blueprints Recovery
Portsmouth’s luxurious Dreamland pool is no more. But the Ohio town finally shut down its pill mills, and gyms, stores, and cafes fill once-empty buildings. With 10% of Portsmouth citizens in recovery, “the town that led the country into the opiate epidemic” is “now poised to lead out of it as well.”
F o r
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For comprehensive coverage of this topic, author Sam Quinones includes clarifying maps, a timeline, source notes and a detailed index. Because he treats his interview subjects – addicts, traffickers and government workers – with openness and respect, Quinones is able to elicit indepth information, which he shares with directness and compassion. Pages turn quickly, dispensing eye-opening facts.
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This book is indeed the true tale of America’s opiate epidemic to date, and it’s every bit as fascinating as a bestselling mystery novel.
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Dreamland: The True Tale of America’s Opiate Epidemic Sam Quinones Bloomsbury Press www.samquinones.com/books/dreamland/ Winter 2016
In Recovery Magazine
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Yoga by Laura O’Reilly My mother always told me to count my blessings, but neither of us quite realized just how valuable a statement that was. Gratitude is an expression of appreciation and thanks; enjoyment of its many benefits is independent of your external conditions. Gratitude is a practice of cultivating happiness by taking the time to appreciate and to be present for all of life’s blessings. Anyone can do it, anytime, anywhere. It can be as simple as pausing to think of something you enjoy. Research shows that expressing gratitude directly increases levels of daily happiness, satisfaction and enjoyment. Feeling grateful and sharing feelings of appreciation cause us to feel even better, improving health, decreasing stress and strengthening our relationships. Gratitude has an even more profound effect on people with lower levels of contentment. If you are going through a challenging time, practice gratitude. It’s a powerful way to create a positive mood. My favorite way to practice this is to take time each morning to recognize three things for which I am thankful. Keep a running list, preferably on paper. Through this practice, your first thoughts each day will be grateful ones. If you end up having a taxing day and need a boost, you can review your list. This will bring the memories and feelings of things you value back into your body. Having trouble thinking of something to be grateful for? Think simple: the roof over your head, the ability to breathe or another day of sobriety. These are things we sometimes take for granted. Increase the benefits of this practice by sharing your gratitude with others. Do a daily gratitude post via social media, send thank you cards or call someone up and let them know the difference they’ve made in your life. In 2012, I went through a very challenging time. I began posting three things I was grateful for each morning. To my surprise, I found I wasn’t just going through the motions; I was experiencing increased happiness and genuine appreciation for everything from a pretty flower on my walk to work to a warm hug from a friend. As I posted, I received messages from people I hadn’t seen or spoken with in years; many wrote to tell me how much my gratitude posts brightened their day. As it turns out, happiness is contagious. Today, I continue this daily practice with people around the world from all walks of life. Try it for yourself. Over the next 30 days, make a daily effort to note three things that you appreciate. If you forget a day, don’t worry; just keep practicing. Before you know it and without even trying, you’ll be feeling the benefits and enjoying moments of genuine gratitude. You will thank yourself for taking the time to improve your quality of life. Laura O’Reilly is a Jamasian (Jamaican-Chinese) yogi living in Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada. She is the founder of Potentialize Me Yoga, specializing in yoga for recovering addicts. After becoming sober, she left the corporate world to follow her heart and found her passion in teaching yoga. Yoga has been a wonderful tool for Laura’s own healing, growth and personal development, which drives her desire to make it accessible for everyone. Her daily practices are rooted in spirituality, a desire to serve and the belief that everything happens for a reason. potentializemeyoga.com
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In Recovery Magazine
Winter 2016
Your Next Step May Cost You Your Life
Steps to Recovery Homes can make each step lead towards a better life.
We offer a well-rounded approach to recovery that works. We focus on changing perceptions and attitudes which leads to a change in behaviors. This is how we become teachable, learning how to become productive members of our own families and society. By finding your place in the world, you can excel in life and experience long-term recovery. Looking to start your journey? Call us today - We can help
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Proud Members of
(Adapted from What is Alcoholics Anonymous?)
by Marc Galanter, MD
M
any people are not aware of the remarkable transformation long-term Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) members refer to as a “spiritual awakening.” This experience is perhaps the most intense example of positive psychological change an addict can have. After completing the first eleven Steps, AA members are ready for the last Step, which begins with the phrase, “Having had a spiritual awakening.” This phrase was not included casually; it harkens back to a seminal moment in the genesis of the Fellowship, an episode that members refer to as Bill W.’s “white light experience.”
of cravings in the previous week as compared to those who had no such experience. Results were similar for younger members surveyed at an international AA conference. It is remarkable for an addict not to have any kind of craving; in fact, the latest psychiatric diagnostic manual includes craving as one of the primary criteria for the diagnosis of addiction. One of the greatest challenges for an addict in the beginning stages of recovery is dealing with this aspect of abstinence. While AA members’ stories of spiritual awakening varied
In December 1934, Bill W. was admitted to Towns Hospital in Manhattan for a fourth episode of drying out. At that point, Bill was despairing of hope, but he later wrote of a transformative experience he had during his time at the hospital, an experience that would come to be known as a spiritual awakening. “It seemed to me, in my mind’s eye, that I was on a mountain and that a wind not of air but of spirit was blowing.” Bill’s spiritual awakening was dramatic in quality, and would serve as a model for future AA members seeking redemption from their addiction. Generations later, there remains an expectation for transformation, a turning point in the path toward healing. This transformation may be sudden and dramatic for some, while for others it may be more gradual and subtle. Regardless of how the transformation materializes for each individual, it is often a vivid experience. Most long-term abstinent members who have had such an awakening recall it well. I became particularly aware of the importance of this experience after reading a study by Lee Kaskutas and her collaborators, who followed up with alcoholics after they had been discharged from treatment. Respondents who reported having had a spiritual awakening at some time after discharge were almost four times more likely than others to achieve a stable abstinence. Along with this striking finding and given the reports I had heard of such awakenings, it seemed important to do further research. My team and I decided to measure the impact of spiritual awakenings on Twelve Step members. We asked participants to rate the degree of craving for alcohol or drugs they had experienced in the previous week. They were also asked to indicate whether or not they had experienced a spiritual awakening at some time during or after treatment. We surveyed attendees at an AA conference for doctors. Of those with long-term sobriety, 81% reported having had a spiritual awakening. According to their survey responses, they were twice as likely to have experienced an absence 54
greatly with regard to when, where and how they occurred, they described a deeply felt transformation in the wake of the experience. An awakening could be very dramatic in character: I was there in rehab with 50 bucks hidden in my sock. I wanted to get out, get on a subway and come home. I went outside the building and was having a cigarette, when all of a sudden a sense
In Recovery Magazine
Winter 2016
of peace came over me. I didn’t see it, but I felt the presence of a person, and in my mind that person was Jesus. It was strange. I was sort of embarrassed. I felt his presence, and then a peace for no more than three or four minutes. This seemed to be part of a message. I was set to come in from the cold. And then I listened and let these people help me. I realized that it was not about judging; it was about acceptance. The experience of empathy conveyed by another alcoholic could also be transformative. A symbolic act of friendship and acceptance, as one woman experienced it, made all the difference: I used to follow a woman out of the AA meeting and just nod to her. She had been sober for eight years. I wouldn’t go to coffee with her because I thought she was too busy. I did this for months.
was worth saving. I got to AA with the 1% of me that wanted to live; that was the spark of soul I still had. AA helped with the other 99%. For many members, a spiritual awakening was neither sudden nor dramatic. It could be an ongoing process, but no less meaningful than those with great drama. Here is how one woman described her more gradual process of spiritual transformation: One day I was walking along the beach in Nantucket. It was 5:00 PM, and I realized I didn’t have the compulsion to run home and have a drink. It was a great relief. I go to AA every morning at 6:30 AM and see the sunrise; so each morning I have a spiritual experience. They’re not big epiphanies, but are little “ephiphanets” along the way. I was curious to see if we could develop a systematic understanding of these occurrences. There were certain questions I wished to answer: For whom did these transpire suddenly, and for whom did they emerge more gradually over time? Was it common for people to have a sensory experience, as in my first example? Did these experiences happen in the midst of adversity, in the depths of drinking? To answer these questions, my team and I returned to the doctors’ AA group we had surveyed. They agreed to our request to survey the members a second time. Because some members had experienced more than one spiritual awakening, we asked them to describe only their first experience. The majority of doctors reported that their first awakening had come about gradually as they worked the Twelve Steps. Almost half had used alcohol or drugs the week before the awakening, but only one in ten had used the week thereafter. Most reported a craving for alcohol the week before their awakening, whereas only half as many experienced this craving the week after. Bouts of depression declined as well. The awakenings appeared to put people closer to a higher power. Many of these alcoholics reported they now felt a higher power’s presence in their lives on a daily basis, whereas only one in ten of those who had not experienced an awakening felt this way.
One day, I was afraid to go home because there was a lot of wine in my house. All I knew was that I found myself delaying her at the street just to say hello. Then she said, “You are really lonely, aren’t you?” All of a sudden it was a watershed. She really understood; she knew what it was like for me to be a drunk. The pilot light of my soul hadn’t been extinguished yet, and she detected it. It was recognizing that I wasn’t alone; I had a soul that Winter 2016
In the end, we were able to document a diversity of experiences, ones that served to bolster the doctors’ commitment to AA. For me, the uniqueness of each such event was most compelling. The members’ different experiences illuminated the process; their awakenings were personal and illustrative of each person’s individuality.
In Recovery Magazine
Dr. Marc Galanter is a professor of psychiatry at NYU, and senior editor of the journal Substance Abuse and co-editor of the American Psychiatric Association’s Textbook of Substance Abuse Treatment. He has written four books, Cults: Faith, Healing, and Coercion, Network Therapy for Alcohol and Drug Abuse, Spirituality and the Healthy Mind and What is Alcoholics Anonymous? A Path from Addiction to Recovery. marcgalanter@nyu.edu
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Chaos and Clutter Free
{finances on the forefront} how to stop the bleeding in your kitchen, closets and home Danielle Wurth of Wurth Organizing, LLC
1.
{organizing solutions} . . . in the kitchen
MONEY SAVING TIPS
let’s heal your wallet!
I
Have the right organizing system in place.
n addition to getting healthy and organized, another popular New Year’s resolution is getting one’s finances in order. For those in recovery, this translates to knowing what your money is being used for, as well as how you can make it last. Perhaps you are aware of how much money you spent on feeding your addiction; now in recovery, it can also be costly to maintain a healthy body, home and wallet. Having the right organizing system in place will help you to reduce expenses. Whether you hold an hourly part-time job or a high-level position with a sizable salary, money can bleed out of the seams of your wallet on a daily basis. I have learned that if you can’t steward a little, then you can’t steward a lot. Ditch the bandage and going straight for the tourniquet until your wallet is healed.
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Organize your pantry . . . take stock of your current food Most consumers dash to the market without taking stock of their current inventory. Whether you are a working single or a parent of many children, the shelves in your pantry should be divided by theme. Set a conservative budget for groceries, and consider shopping no more than once a week. Shop only for food items you truly need, not for those you want. Set yourself up for success by carrying only a set amount of cash with you when you go the store. This will make it easier for you to adhere to your budget. Eliminate gross excess There often isn’t a significant savings to warrant the shop ’n stock scenario. Do you really need two cases of paper towels? Unless you live on farm and your nearest bulk food store is 60 miles away, I have a hunch you will survive without them. Ask yourself these kinds of questions: “How often do I need it?” “Are the savings significant enough to store items in bulk quantities?” Clean out your fridge and freezer . . . label the shelves Sound a bit OCD? I don’t think so! I was a skeptic until I noticed my consistent pattern of overbuying in one category while under-buying in another. I labeled each frig shelf by food groups: vegetables, proteins and breads. I have a clear box labeled “Meat and Cheeses” for lunches; another labeled “Mexican” containing salsa, guacamole, sour cream and tortillas; and two others with weekly dinner ingredients. Bottom shelving and drawers house lunches, leftovers and healthy snacks, including fruit, yogurts and cheese sticks to grab and go. When family members help put away the groceries, it brings comfort and a feeling of togetherness. Sharing these responsibilities helps your kids master important organizing skills as they gain greater appreciation for the work involved in planning and preparing meals.
In Recovery Magazine
Winter 2016
2.
{organizing solutions} . . . in your closets
Make your belongings bring you cash and not clutter. Do you have an extra set of glasses you don’t need, an unused accent chair, or certain clothes you no longer wear? It’s time to locate a consignment store near you that offers fair pricing. The key to a successful plan is to remove items from inside your home and provide easy-access storage. Designate large, lidded totes to collect your donations and consignment items. Designate a separate hanging area in a closet to segregate clothing for consignment. People won’t buy items that look old and used. Before you sell your belongings, make sure you clean them. A good cleaning can give a second life to leather furniture, shoes and purses. Use unscented baby wipes to spot clean fabric and upholstery. Use a lint roller to remove any excess dust or pet hair. Present clean, pressed, undamaged clothing on hangers. Drop off items valued at or below $75 at a consignment shop rather than posting them for sale online. Many consignment stores offer a 60/40 split, meaning when the item sells you will receive either 60% in store trade to shop or 40% in cash.
3.
Danielle Wurth is a professional speaker and organizer and the owner of Wurth Organizing, LLC, a company that transforms people’s lives through hands-on organizing sessions and events. In addition, Wurth is an exclusive Arizona Brand Partner of The Container Store and has been a contributor to Real Simple Magazine, Fox 10 News, Channel 3 Good Morning Arizona, 1360 KPXQ Faith Talk Radio and The Arizona Republic. wurthorganizing.com/602.579.5274/Danielle@ WurthOrganizing.com
{organizing solutions} . . . in the home
Gather all your gear . . . and label it Have you ever misplaced parts to an appliance or the rechargeable cord to your tech gear and been forced to make duplicate purchases? Avoid this issue with a simple solution. After purchasing a new appliance or tech item, cut out the proof of purchase seal or product coding from the box and store it in a Ziploc bag labeled with a permanent marker. You can staple the receipt to the warranty on the outside of the bag. Store hardware-related items in one location in the garage and tech-related gear in your office. Online or impulse shopping . . . wait it out The shopping selection offered on the World Wide Web is great; however, it can also lead to a world of debt. The last thing you want is to shift from one addiction to another. Reduce your screen time to a minimum when paying bills. Remove your name from tempting mail and email lists. Consolidate promotions in a single bundled blast or unsubscribe multiple offers with a single mouse click using an app such as unroll.me. Do your research. Comparison shop, and ask vendors if they price match with their competitors. It never hurts to ask, and your savings can be significant! Winter 2016
Once you have purged your home, consider reaching out to loved ones who want to help support you in your consignment venture. Ask if they have items in their home that they might be willing to give to you. Arrange the pickup, and more inventory will be added to your consignment account. Everyone benefits.
Simplify your life! Create budget-friendly organizational systems by: maximizing any space within youryour business, home home or garage. maximizing any space within business, or garage. transitioning from stress success in recovery your recovery transitioning with success vs.to stress in your processprocess. utilizing yourown own psyche for better long-term organizational utilizing your psyche for better long-term organizational results. results. simplifying papers possessions to bring joy, not sorrow. simplifying papers andand possessions to bring joy, not sorrow. accessing ourhands-on hands-on organizing, Skype sessions or interactive Accessing our organizing, Skype sessions or interactive speaking events. speaking events.
THESE ORGANIZING SERVICES MAY BE A TAX-DEDUCTIBLE CONSULTING EXPENSE
In Recovery Magazine
Connect with Danielle to get started!
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by R o
se L
W
hen I first found sobriety, I was told I had the disease of addiction and was therefore an “addict.� This made sense to me, and it helped to alleviate a lot of the guilt and shame I felt over my behaviors that were counterproductive to my survival and happiness. I have since come to understand that childhood traumas exacerbated my addiction and eating disorder. During my childhood, I experienced more than my fair share of trauma. Growing up outside of my native country of Canada, I felt like an outsider. The sexual abuse I experienced on numerous occasions from people whom I was meant to trust made this feeling even worse. These and other traumas seeped into my psyche, leaving wounds I was too young to understand or handle; I attempted to deal with them as well as I could. My wounds were the driving force for many years of self-destructive behavior. I was completely unaware that I was suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). My first attempt at coping was bulimia. I began making myself vomit when I was 13 years old, just as my family and I moved back to Canada from overseas. The burden of my life felt too heavy. In my daily binges and purges, I found a measure of control that gave me solace in what I felt was an uncontrollable world.
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ock
inge
r
The bulimia progressed rather quickly. I began by throwing up once a day; by the end of my first year, I was vomiting more than 13 times a day. I became obsessed with my weight. The importance of being thin took precedence over everything in my life. I escaped into my daily caloric counting, late night binges and search for money that I could spend on forbidden delicacies. With each bite I took, I pushed my traumas further and further down, hoping they’d never resurface. I entered treatment for my eating disorder at the age of 17. To a certain extent, I felt relieved because I believed I was finally going to face my problem and overcome it. I spent the next five weeks in treatment. When I was discharged, I began attending National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders (ANAD) meetings and tried my best to put my demons to rest. My relief proved to be temporary, though. Within a year, I was back to bingeing and purging. By this time, I had also added drugs and alcohol to my repertoire of trauma therapy. Looking back, I suppose a part of me knew that drinking and using drugs was not the best idea given my other issues, but I was young, scared and lost. I wanted to fit in, and drinking and using drugs offered this opportunity, all with the added benefit of making my pain go away.
In Recovery Magazine
Winter 2016
Throughout these years, my goal was to deaden the pain that was enveloping me, a pervasive pain that touched every aspect of my being. I spent many years avoiding my thoughts and secretly hating myself because of what had been done to me. I had to throw everything I had at the pain to avoid feeling it. Many alcoholics and addicts try to avoid the pain to their death. This is something I find tremendously sad, yet it is something I clearly understand.
STOP
At the time when my addiction and eating disorder were out of control, I did not yet have the option of facing my trauma. My solutions for dealing with these traumas still seemed to be working. When an unwanted emotion would emerge, I’d pop a pill. Poof! It would be gone. If the emotion came back stronger, I’d drink, binge and purge until it would disappear into the dark recesses of my mind. This worked for years until the day came when drinking, using and controlling my food did nothing to alleviate my pain. The burden of my life was too much, and I felt I was left with just two options: I could kill myself or I could enter treatment again. Fortunately, I chose the latter. This time, things were different. When I went through treatment at age 17, I was just a potential addict, not yet having reached the depths I found in later years. I had not yet amassed the arsenal of traumas now weighing me down, and I had not been open to the idea of true healing. That first stay in treatment was about overcoming my eating disorder. This stay was about healing and coming to terms with my past. I embarked on this uncomfortable journey of healing and self-discovery a little over two years ago. I listened to the suggestions that were given to me. I worked the Twelve Steps, and I began to take a look at my past from a different perspective. I confronted the events that had plagued me for so many years, and I began to process them and grieve. I entered intensive therapy for my PTSD and I began to heal. I realized that the drinking, using and controlling my eating were merely temporary bandages over deep wounds. I had to properly deal with my traumas before I could hope to experience the peace and healing I so desperately desired. I did find peace through this process. It took time, but it did come. I finally stopped running from my past. I now see how my childhood traumas kept me sick and fed my addiction and eating disorder. By facing them, I hope never to return to those dark days of suffering.
Rose Lockinger is a passionate member of the recovery community. A rebel who found her cause, she uses blogging and social media to raise awareness about the disease of addiction. She has traveled extensively throughout North and South America. A single mom to two beautiful children, she has found parenting to be the most rewarding job in the world. Rose lives in Harrisonburg, Virginia,
Winter 2016
WARNING! Do not call any Sober Living home until you call and listen to this 24-hour FREE recorded message at
(800) 851-9033 This public service announcement is brought to you by Camelback Recovery, the expert in sober living communities.
In Recovery Magazine
59
It Gets Way More Better
Hirt by Todd
“Keep coming back; it works if you work it.” I first heard these words of advice and encouragement in a meeting. They were directed toward those of us who were new in recovery and who hated advice and encouragement. I don’t need words of wisdom, I thought. I need to get better.
At the beginning of my recovery journey, I wanted to believe that at least some of the things said in the recovery community were true. I wondered why these time-honored, words-turned-into-phrases were spoken throughout the rooms. I initially thought these people were simply lonely and bored without any mind-altering chemicals. I imagined that without drugs and alcohol, I would need some catch phrases to pass the time, too! To those of us beginning a new life so unfamiliar to that former dismal reality leading up to our surrender, some phrases sounded downright ridiculous. I learned they were no illusion, however; they become an actuality for people who work through the Program. The phrase I was most eager to see kick in and take effect was the following: “It gets better.” What initially felt like a large, three-word pill to swallow eventually became quite the Flintstone Chewable. I remember sitting in my third floor apartment in the summer of 2014, shortly before learning the phrase, “It gets better.” I told myself it was just too hot to join the outside world. Dinner plates were not necessary for my Circle K taquitos and stolen peanut butter cups; instead, they were used resourcefully as ashtrays.
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I was sick and wishing to eliminate the pest inside my apartment – me – with tobacco smoke. Smoke signals lingered, but so did my awful habits. Warning! Losing touch with reality and the spirit within! Somewhere inside of me, something or someone was alarmed, though it was a paradoxical alarm where logic was fading at the same rate as reality. I craved the return of reality, but I needed the quicker forms of relief far more. The battle in my mind left my stomach uneasy and burdened my brain with all the sap from the chemicals I was taking. I decided to give them up for the umpteenth time, but this time, this time . . .! The argument in the back of my head sounded the same as so many times before. There was a moment of such disgust for the dehumanizing specter I had become that I craved the possibility of a better me. There was no moment of clarity; those moments came later, and continue in my recovery today. Deep in the frigid climate of a detox center, commonly found in northern American regions, alcoholics and addicts inhabit the plastic-covered beds, I said to myself with forced humor and an Australian accent. I found myself in a plastic-covered bed. I could feel the cold temperature of the room as I sat upright in a sweat and looked around. I saw other drunks, addicts and people as hopeless as myself, lined up in rows, confined to their beds. Every few minutes, someone would stumble their way through the maze of beds to a front window
In Recovery Magazine
Winter 2016
to score a cheese sandwich. I decided to go through the maze, too, for the bright orange cheese single between bread pieces secured in a bag, and made my way back to my bed again. Each step stuck to the ground with the rubbergripped socks I had been given.
Acceptance recovery Center
I sat down and thought, Mice like cheese, but I am not too fond of it. I like laughing and smiling. I like being responsible for my own food and my own place to rest my head. I love spending holidays with my family and friends. The research was conducted. The subject of my well-being was determined. I was a rodent, so I ate the sandwich. The places I could have traveled from that point on were easily defined as the words “better” and “worse.” I already had a pretty good definition of “worse” and the life sentence that went with it; I didn’t need my decision spelled out. What I did need was help to get me out of the maze, out of the filth, and out of myself and moving toward “better.” Inpatient treatment followed by a sober living environment helped me transition into defining myself. The Twelve Steps, service work and meetings, and the formation of faith in my higher power continue to keep me moving toward “better.” The external effects of recovery directed me back to reality. I began regaining the trust I had stolen from my family, so much so that my oldest brother and my sisterin-law announced they were having their second baby and surprised me with the honor of being godfather to my newborn niece, Nicoletta Juliette. The three-word pill was becoming easier to swallow, easier to believe: “It gets better.” I replayed this in my head, pinching myself back to this new reality. In this new reality, there is a spirit and sense of hope filling a hole once occupied by nothing but space. It’s a wholesome feeling. Family and friends call me, and I do the same for the sake of conversation and connection. I receive honest checks from work, and a recent tax return made me a taxpayer. This place where it “keeps getting better,” even when the day does not seem to be in my favor, is the same place that now allows me to help others who may not yet quite believe it to be true.
Long Term Substance Abuse Treatment
Our goal at Acceptance Recovery Center is to help each person understand and find acceptance around their recovery, while providing them the confidence and skills for a life of sobriety. Get help, call today
844.302.0440
I often repeat this three-word phrase in speech and in thought, and it relays its truth from God’s ears back to my eyes. I repeat this three-word phrase in the hope that it will help another person move from their initial disbelief toward the road to recovery.
Yeah, it gets better – way more better!
Nationally accredited by the Joint Commision
Todd Hirt grew up in Salina, California, and moved to Prescott, Arizona, two years ago to seek help for substance abuse. He has remained in Prescott and currently works as a med tech for an addiction treatment facility. Writing has become an essential tool in sustaining his recovery. Thathirt@gmail.com
Winter 2016
In Recovery Magazine
Located in beautiful
Scottsdale Arizona 61
Memo from I
arrived at St. Paul of the Cross Retreat Center in Detroit, Michigan, on a warm, sunny, late spring weekend in 1991. My sponsor had suggested I attend the weekend gathering. As usual, his timing was perfect; I felt as though everything was caving in on me again. In 1987, I sobered up and divorced almost simultaneously in one of the most difficult periods of my life. Four years later, my disappointment and sadness had returned; my path seemed more treacherous than ever. My sponsor was always there with sage advice and perspective. Whenever I assembled a glob of painful past events to brood over, he would inquire, “All of this happened today?” Although it wasn’t a compassionate question, it was direct and hit home. Why did I always have to be so damned dramatic? I thought my life should have come together much sooner than it did. I had come a long way, yet I still wasn’t getting the results I wanted. Certainly, I was grateful to be alive and sober, but I was already 36, and feeling beyond impatient to get everything in place before much more time passed me by. So much for “A Day at a Time.” I wondered if I would experience the second chance at life that so many others spoke of in the rooms. I had my doubts. Once more, my hope became a flimsy reed, and I wasn’t sure if I should reach for it again; but I knew if I was going to continue this way of life, I had to take care of my spirit; no one else could do it for me. With its intangible ambience and nearly 100 men joined together in fellowship, the retreat seemed to be the perfect place for me. For months, I had been hoping to stumble upon the magic words that would inspire me to become the person I wanted to be. Perhaps then my life would finally come together. I felt there were still too many missing puzzle pieces. As I sat listening during one of the afternoon sessions, a particular talk revealed and underlined what I had been missing all along. It was the “aha” moment for which I had been searching. A lengthy break followed the meeting, allowing ample time for discussion and contemplation. I thought a walk and a bit of fresh air would do me good. Several lush, wooded acres with winding, paved paths stretched behind the retreat house. Once outside, I noticed the grounds were centered around a grassy knoll, landscaped elegantly with rocks, shrubs and a full kaleidoscope of flowers. Rising from its crest was a statue of Christ. I approached and chose a spot on the turf about 20 feet away – a perfect site for reflection. There I sat, small and silent, but churning inside.
by Mark Masserant I uttered, almost gasped, “God . . . I’m lonely. I’m tired. I’m confused. I’m afraid.” Choking with tears, no word followed. My mind, always loud, became suddenly quiet. Instantly, a calming, soundless voice within my head added, “And foolish, too.” I was astonished. “Foolish?” I sat there in awe. The message was clear, and it was directed to me but not from me. I finally understood. My inner turmoil was unnecessary. I wasn’t trusting God, nor was I turning my life over to a higher power; I only thought I was. I was running my life just as I had before, relying on my brains and my map. Now, I began to understand the concept of self will. The answer to all my troubles had been delivered in a memo from God. The whisper of grace resounded in my head with those three simple words: “And foolish, too.” Stunned, I tried to grasp this unexplainable wonder. I eventually rose and brushed off the seat of my pants. With a slight chuckle, I grinned and said softly, “I won’t tell anyone if you don’t.” I slowly left that sacred place, pausing to look back more than once. My heavy heart was lifted and filled with new hope. Naturally, I haven’t kept this experience to myself; I share it when I think it might make a difference. It’s one more story that shows we are not alone. There are many who, wishing to explain it away, might claim I was emotionally ripe for something like that to occur. Nevertheless, I can’t remember ever using the word “foolish” in my life – lots of other words, but not that one. It surely wasn’t an answer I could give myself, nor was it the one I was looking for. After that experience, I again reached for that flimsy reed, knowing my life would get better. As time passed, I would recall through the good and bad times that moment at the foot of the hill. Guided by the Unseen Hand, today I can live in the “Great Right Now.” I may have long-term sobriety, but I have to hang on to my miracles because I don’t get one every day. They are the tangible grace sent by my Higher Power that girder what I now believe; holding on to them is holding the hand of God.
Lost and anxious, I wanted to pray that ultimate prayer, but I didn’t know what to say or how to begin. I was unable to arrange into words what I felt in my heart. I let go and rested quietly, absorbing the moments of great peace suddenly surrounding me. Within minutes, without warning, my prayer emerged. It was not the prayer of a spiritual giant, but rather a frail-voiced litany, freed like a flash flood. 62
In Recovery Magazine
Mark Masserant has been sober for 29 years. He lives near Ann Arbor, Michigan, with Danette, his wife of 23 years, and their daughter, Lauren. Besides writing, he is a poet, a stained glass artist and, for eighteen years, has been very involved in an AA/Al-Anon event in Monroe, Michigan, called the OctSoberFest. Along with the Twelve Steps and the Fellowship, humor has been vital to his recovery; laughter may not be the best medicine for this disease, but he knows it shows the medicine is working. dmmasserant@yahoo.com
Winter 2016
Are y ou Mi ldly D go to epres the G sed? y m? D Too Ti Some o You red to times Feel L More Relap ike Lif Than sing C e is You C ross Y an Ha our M ndle? ind? Does What if Bette I Told You rT Th to ea han Ever? at in Two Capfu t hea lthy a To have th ls cravin n e d lose energ of Synapti gs... w m the w y to d hat w eight, o all t e a Day, Y ould y h clear ou co ou sa er mo e things y y? ou wa uld Feel re co gnitiv t, the Hickey e thin bynYvonne desir king, and n e o mo re
“Sign Me Up!” t. I decided rt things ou so r o y rl a k cle clearer, m thinking ouldn’t thin I’ c I s. lt e su lik l, re o e ntr e. I love th lt out of co iend of min ings just fe fr me. “ th a d n n h u e g h u ro w a ro s mine th e world en time ta th e - Chris K. p t b a a e n k v y o a S o h d tl I foun “There tter ou d e n b a ll lp ra e e h v o tside ave just an to seek ou rgy and I h e n e re o m I have Synaptamine™ 30 Fl Oz Bottle
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Cross Talk by Mollé
CrossTalk is based on the premise that recovery life is polytely: frequently complex problem-solving situations characterized by the presence of not one, but several endings. This column represents decades of recovery and its application to life: and how to get over it, into it or through it with spunk, levity and a good dose of reality. What? You want more than happy, joyous and free? Get over it. Just sayin’. – Mollé
Mollé, I am a 63-year-old grandmother with two months of sobriety. It took me a long time to admit I had a problem – too many years. Two years ago, I got divorced. That’s when my drinking went out of control; I began drinking obsessively at home. These last two months have been incredible. Most times, I feel hopeful. I was successful in work – very successful – and I will retire at the end of this year. Almost every day for the past 20 years, I have pictured myself sitting on the veranda of my beach house holding a glass of wine; that’s all I wanted. It hurts when I think of not ever drinking again. There’s a voice inside that says, “You worked too hard for too long not to live that dream.” To think I will never drink at my house is sad and disappointing. I want to be sober, but I also want the life I worked so hard to have. – Too Old to Stop Drinking in NC Dear Ms. Successful, Maybe it was a dream that wasn’t supposed to happen, a dream that kept you alive so you didn’t die drunk, and could find sobriety. Maybe now you
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have a chance for with true happiness and joy. I could be wrong, but maybe you’re thinking too much. Something happened that got you in the doors. I suspect it wasn’t because your life was going so well. Whatever it was, hold onto it. Don’t forget it. Hold on and do these things. First, get a sponsor – now – one who is focused on the Twelve Steps. Dive into the Steps. I dare you to get really, really honest. Close your eyes in the meetings and pray to a god you may not believe in to hear what you need to hear; listen for similarities rather than differences and for what others have overcome and what lives they are living today. I dare you to befriend the first older woman you see. You can do this, and it will be worth it. If you’re still miserable in a year, well, there’s always that wine. But so you know, a fine glass of iced tea on the veranda can taste pretty darn good. Dear Mollé, People always talk about “how to stay sober during the holidays” in the context of Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year’s. These holidays are not a problem for me. It’s the summer holidays that bother me. I’ve been in and out of AA for years, and I struggle every year on Memorial Day. It’s party
In Recovery Magazine
Winter 2016
time, and I can’t stay sober. I have sober friends and a sponsor, but on that day the beer calls (yells) to me. I keep coming back because I want to stay sober, but what do I have to do to stay sober all year, move to Alaska every summer? – Relapsing in Portland Dear Memorial, When your desire to stay sober is greater than your desire to drink beer, you’ll find a way. The key to staying sober is willingness: willingness to do what you don’t want to do and show up when you don’t want to show up. It is also the willingness to reconsider your opinion, thoughts, excuses and judgments. If you have to go to Alaska, then go to Alaska. I’ve been there; it’s not a bad place. Stay sober, no matter what. Dear Mollé, I am 37 years old and just celebrated my eighth year of sobriety. About six months ago, I began making myself vomit. I’m not depressed. I don’t hate myself, but I’ve been doing this two or three times a week now for almost six months. I’ve done my homework. I “get it” that if I don’t stop I’ll have to go to OA or a therapist. Here I am, almost 40, eight years sober, not depressed and vomiting my food. Really?! I am an active member of AA with a solid foundation. I told my sponsor, but she was no help. I don’t feel comfortable talking about it at group level, and I don’t want my sponsees to know about it. What am I supposed to do? I feel like I have a dark secret. – Quiet in PA Dear As-Sick-As-Your-Secret, You do have a secret. It may or may not be as dark as you think, or it may be even darker. I can’t tell you what has caused the problem, but it definitely is a problem and it is serious. I recommend seeing a therapist who specializes in eating disorders. Now. Have you ever heard the line “more shall be revealed?” You are not the first person to have this come up later in recovery. You’d be surprised how often it happens. I’m not so sure about sharing this at group level, but that doesn’t mean you hide it, either. Figure it out. Get some help before it becomes a deadly serious secret. Make the call. Viewpoints shared or any implied actions suggested by Mollé are the opinions and ideas of the author only and do not represent those of In Recovery Magazine. The implied action is offered openly and is never intended to replace the advice of a healthcare professional. You may send your dilemmas to Mollé at crosstalk@inrecoverymagazine.com.
Winter 2016
Located in Phoenix, AZ, Calvary Center has been a leader in addiction recovery since 1964.
Our treatment programs are for men and women, 18 years and older, who are struggling with addiction to alcohol and drugs.
Calvary is contracted with most insurance carriers to provide a full continuum of care including medical detoxification, residential and outpatient services.
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1-866-76-SOBER (76237)
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In Recovery Magazine
65
by Kristi Hugstad
T
he holidays are supposed to be a time of celebration and comfort; but more often than not, they stir up difficult memories and remind us what we’re lacking: companionship, love, money, family, security. The list goes on and on. For a recovering addict, the seasonto-be-jolly can be incredibly tense and grueling. Once able to seek distraction through drugs or alcohol, the addict must now face the holidays sober. Sometimes it feels as if the entire world is trying to entice you to relapse. Everyone else is celebrating – why can’t you? You are absolutely entitled to celebrate in the spirit of the season, but you will need to learn how to do so safely in a way that makes you feel at ease and even excited about it. As a certified Grief Recovery Specialist®, I’ve put together a guide that helps my clients create their own action plan. My desire is to empower recovering addicts to enjoy their lives while continuing their sobriety. Dopamine is key to overcoming the holiday horrors; it’s the chemical in the brain that creates the sensation of happiness. You may already know that drugs and alcohol are major triggers of dopamine. The use of some drugs can raise the dopamine level in your brain up to ten times what it’s capable of producing on its own. Fortunately, dopamine production can be stimulated naturally without the use of dangerous drugs or overeating. Raising your dopamine level naturally, particularly during the holidays, is essential for elevating your mood. An elevated mood will boost your self-confidence and create the willpower to stay sober. Self-care is essential, but you don’t have to wait until the holidays are here. Start these dopamine-inducing practices now to guarantee you’ll be at your best by the time the holidays roll around: •
•
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Exercise 20-30 minutes daily. This is how long it takes for the dopamine to be triggered. Aim to keep the heart rate elevated for this period of time. Try to exercise outdoors because sunlight exposure can also raise dopamine levels. Eliminate sugar, fat and cholesterol. All of these can cause a drop in dopamine levels.
•
Consume foods high in dopamine. Foods such as ripe bananas, fresh fruits, vegetables, whole grains and legumes contain chemicals closely related to dopamine.
•
Take vitamins C and E daily. These vitamins can contribute to raising dopamine levels in your body.
•
Incorporate magnesium into your diet. Over half the population is deficient in this relaxation mineral. If you eat a diet heavy in processed foods, you probably experience a magnesium deficiency. Magnesium taken in the evening helps you get a full night’s rest. Magnesium glycinate and magnesium amino acid chelate are the best types of magnesium for mental relaxation.
•
Get a full night’s sleep. Dopamine has been tied to feelings of wakefulness, so it is important to get at least 7-8 hours of sleep per night. An epsom salt bath will also have a calming effect.
•
Get a massage on a regular basis. Stress triggers high cortisol levels, which wreak havoc on your body. Cortisol levels decrease over 30% after massage therapy, while dopamine and serotonin levels increase by nearly 30%.
•
Listen to music. When you listen to music you really enjoy, your brain releases dopamine as a response. Even the anticipation of hearing your favorite tunes can increase dopamine levels.
•
Commit to a daily practice of meditation. Meditation alters concentrations of various neurotransmitters, including dopamine. Mindfulness meditation stimulates areas of the brain involved in emotional regulation and control of attention. The increased activities in these regions amplify the release of dopamine. Try a smartphone app like Headspace to help you get started.
•
Reach a short- or long-term goal. Dopamine is all about pleasure. When you reach a personal goal, you often feel satisfied and happy. A goal doesn’t have to be something big; in fact, you can think
In Recovery Magazine
Winter 2016
of daily activities as goals. Make sure to reward yourself with something healthy once your goal has been achieved.
Self-care isn’t just about raising your natural dopamine levels; it’s also about mentally creating a safe space for yourself. Decide which of the following you feel comfortable trying and give yourself permission to continue practicing them: •
Opt out when necessary. Decide which events you can handle. Don’t let other people make you feel obligated to attend an event that makes you anxious. The last thing you need is additional stress from someone who doesn’t understand your recovery process.
•
Don’t judge others or yourself. This is your personal journey. Friends and family may try to rally you to do things you just can’t do. Their intentions are well-meaning, but they may not be what you need as you ride a rollercoaster of emotions. Maintain healthy boundaries and politely explain that you are not in a place to participate.
•
Be gentle with yourself. Treat yourself as if you’re a patient in intensive care – you need time and rest to build your strength. Give yourself permission to take your recovery one step at a time.
•
Create new experiences or rituals. You may find that the anticipation of the holidays is actually worse than the holidays themselves. Don’t focus on the potential pain that the holidays may bring; instead, create new and comforting activities that give you something to look forward to, and make sure to include people who are supportive and understanding of where you are in your recovery process.
•
Lean on your support network. Reach out to others in recovery. Remember, you are responsible for your own sobriety. It can be helpful to get support from your recovery community. Don’t be shy about asking for help.
Winter 2016
Recovery is a marathon that never ends, and pacing yourself is crucial. Once you’ve made a habit of these practices, you’ll find you can cope not only with the holidays, but also with the months thereafter. Know that you do have the power to make the changes you need to live a sober, happy life, every day of the year!
Kristi Hugstad’s mission is to reach out to those wrestling with grief and addiction. She offers them a safe place to address and ultimately move through their pain and fears to a new perspective and a new life. As a thought leader on grief, she is an author, speaker, certified Grief Recovery Specialist®, and host of The Grief Girl radio show and podcast. www.thegriefgirl.com
Christian Approach, Proven Results Life Transformation Recovery is the #1 Christian, non-profit addiction treatment center in Northern Arizona. Our program encourages clients to grow in their faith as they grow in sobriety. We offer comprehensive recovery services from the time clients stop using until they reintegrate back into society. Our services include: • Men’s residential treatment • Sober living • Outpatient addiction treatment (IOP) • Transitional Living • Nutrition management • Gym onsite • Freedom to practice your faith • Regular group and outdoor activities
For more information: (928) 515-0044 • Admissions: (928) 515-0066 www.lifetransformationrecovery.com
In Recovery Magazine
67
The Ever-Changing Image by Sheryle Cruse
T
he saying goes, “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.”
Delightful.
But what if the beholder’s eye keeps seeing something different?
The moving pictures of the early 1900s gave us our first film star, Mary Pickford, “America’s Sweetheart.” With a head full of ringlets and no hint of sexuality or womanly curves, Pickford was reassuringly girlish and embodied the easily-controlled female.
Like many other girls, I grew up believing beauty was achieved only by being thin. This notion contributed to my experiences with anorexia, bulimia, binge eating and self-loathing. Since that time, I have learned that beauty has many definitions. Beauty, body and image standards have changed, sometimes drastically, from era to era. The “must have” look is in one day, and out the next. Realizing this constant shift was liberating.
When the Roaring Twenties arrived with its “flappers,” all trace of the virginal ingénue was gone. In her place was the rebellious, sexually-free party girl. She smoked cigarettes and drank booze; her hair was bobbed short; her silhouette was small-busted and her flapper dress exposed a lot of leg.
Take for instance the 17th century artist, Sir Peter Paul Rubens; he was obsessed with the voluptuous female figure. His “Rubenesque” women possessed rounded backsides, breasts and abdomens, all of which symbolized prosperity. These women could afford to eat well. Wealth has always been attractive, right?
With the 1930s came the screen siren, Marlene Dietrich. Often dressed in tailored men’s suits, she took the flapper image one step further; Dietrich flirted with her sexual identity. Hollywood was clueless about what to do with her bisexuality. Everything was up for grabs.
What about the 19th century corset trend? The tiny waist was in demand; it exemplified well-bred beauty – aka the rich crowd. So, the “Tight Lacers” were born. In her book Courtesan, Amy Broatch includes this quote: “In my hourglass corset I’m laced every day. My little wasp waist is shrinking away. The stays squeeze me inwards so small and so nice, in a pattern of lacing that grips like a vice.” These Tight Lacers often fainted while pursuing this beauty aesthetic. Some suffered serious harm to their internal organs, as the whalebone corsets reshaped their bodies to the rigid form of the undergarment.
The 1940s wartime era returned women to the conventional safety of the curvy female form. Betty Grable and Rita Hayworth were its notable pinups, their likenesses often decorating fighter planes. Though Rosie the Riveter challenged gender roles in the workplace, beauty needed to be traditional. Female curves exemplified a safe image and a soothing perpetuation of “the status quo.”
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As the American family came into focus in the post war 1950s, a curvy figure continued to be popular. Women were required to
In Recovery Magazine
Winter 2016
abandon the call to join the job force and instead become wives and mothers. The 1950s promoted a more reasonable vision of beauty. Our best-known sex symbol, Marilyn Monroe, was celebrated as the ideal of womanhood, sexually appealing with her size 14 hourglass figure. But female curves had a limited shelf life. The 1960s brought the likes of Audrey Hepburn and Jacqueline Kennedy, and a streamlining of the female appearance. As the decade continued, Great Britain’s fashion model, Twiggy, arrived with her short hair, painted-on eyelashes and gamine form. This turbulent decade with the Vietnam War, civil rights movement and a strong baby boomer presence, began to view feminine curves as antiquated. In the 1970s, we see the rise of the “natural girl” with such models as Lauren Hutton and Cheryl Tiegs. The beauty standard emphasized healthy eating, less makeup and athletic bodies. Perhaps disillusionment arising from the Vietnam War and Watergate encouraged a belief in less artifice. In contrast to the natural authenticity of the 1970s woman, the 1980s roared in with fashion, images and lifestyles that were larger than life. “Supermodels” like Cindy Crawford and Naomi Campbell drove the frenzy for women to be “model thin.” The decade’s fitness explosion did nothing to discourage that sentiment. Jane Fonda’s aerobic workout tapes fed a lucrative diet and fitness industry, which validated the following doctrines: “You can never be too rich or too thin,” “Feel the burn,” and “No pain, no gain.” The 1990s arrived with yet another significant shift. Seattle’s music scene brought grunge bands such as Nirvana and Pearl Jam who displayed a disinterest in beauty and glamour. Instead they wore the grunge clothing that gave the scene its name: flannel shirts, t-shirts and ripped jeans. Was this to be an era unaffected by physical appearance? Would that it were so. Sadly, this decade also brought with it the notion of “heroin chic.” This look was embraced on fashion pages and runways through its muse, Kate Moss. Designer Calvin Klein and others courted controversy for using Moss and other waif-like models. Ads were filled with provocative imagery, often suggesting drug use and child pornography. With the exception of Jennifer Lopez, Kate Winslet and Beyoncé, who embodied more voluptuous womanly figures, the new millennium maintained an emphasis on a svelte figure.
effectively maintain a full-blown eating disorder are the staple for these sites. As if there weren’t enough, another weird trend has emerged from China: the A4 tiny waist challenge. Young women are instructed to take an 8 x 10 piece of paper and hold it vertically against their midriff; if the woman’s waist size is larger than the width of the paper, she is considered fat. Sigh . . . Society just keeps rolling out these harmful messages. When will it stop? It can be exhausting, debilitating and life threatening to keep up with the beauty du jour. The importance affixed to image is especially timely during the winter holiday season. The approaching New Year and its accompanying resolutions beckon women to manipulate their bodies through often-extreme attempts at weight loss. I’m sure more than one of you is considering a weight-loss resolution such as these: “This will be my year! This will be my new start! This year will be the new me!” Days, hours, sometimes, honestly, within minutes after the New Year begins, our pursuit is unsuccessful. The desire for the ideal body was not fulfilled; the perfect image was not attained. Not seeing immediate results often leads to a feeling of failure for women. It is the curse of the unattainable New Year’s resolution. According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, one definition of a resolution is “the ability of a device to show an image clearly and with a lot of detail.” How fitting. Whether it’s the pressure of a New Year’s resolution or the all-year demand of an unrealistic aesthetic, it would be helpful and healthy to “show an image clearly and with a lot of detail,” to show the beauty/body/image icon for what it really is – an ever-changing fashion. This is the ultimate challenge for each of us. If we are daring enough to believe and accept our inherent value, trends can be disempowered by one constant truth: we are already spectacular as we are despite any image trend. Embrace that truth and embrace healing. Here’s to a Happy New Year and a happier, healthier life! Copyright © 2016 by Sheryle Cruse
This preoccupation with “thin” has continued, ushering in another troubling movement known as “Scary Skinny,” which has “size 0” for its goal, and even goes to the extreme of encouraging women to fit into negative sizes. Frail frames, prominently jutting shoulder blades and the now disturbingly coveted “thigh gaps” have begun making their appearances. This image dominates many “thinsperation,” or “thinspo,” pro-eating disorder websites. Photos of emaciated women and advice on how to achieve and Winter 2016
In Recovery Magazine
Sheryle Cruse has a passion for encouraging and empowering young girls and women to live their lives free from the damage of their life experiences. No matter what disorder, obstacle or argument, Cruse’s message declares relationship with God, vibrant health and a prosperous life are possible. Sheryle lives in Minnesota with her husband, Russell, writing articles for faith-based and recovery magazines, and speaking on disordered eating/ image issues. www.freewebs.com/daughterarise
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by Jana Greene from using either, except you. Our mistake was in choosing alcohol as our vehicle in the first place, and choosing to get into it every day while expecting it to take us to a different place. That, folks, is the very definition of insanity; the drinking and using life led only to destruction.
My transportation needed to be sleek and smart enough to get me around in unfamiliar places; it needed to know where I was going because I had no clue. Fast modes of transportation are fun for awhile, aren’t they? “Wheeee! I’m headed for Happy and nobody is going to stop me!”
But backed by the most powerful force in the universe and His mighty angels, the gates of Hell itself cannot prevail against your recovery. Suddenly you have the power to get out of that vehicle; you realize there is a handle on the door. You might have to feel around for it. You might mash a few buttons or accidentally pull a couple of wrong levers, but that’s okay.
long time ago, when I was a new human being, I decided I wanted to go places. As I grew up, I came to realize that I could not merely transport myself to the place called “Happy Destiny”; I would need a vehicle. I made up my mind to take the fastest route there.
The vehicle I chose was alcohol, and that choice led to addiction. For many years, alcohol fueled the fast rattletrap that took me everywhere and oiled all the bothersome, squeaky parts. It never really took me to Happy, of course; although I saw tons of directional signs indicating that I was getting close. It always started off in the right general direction, promising to get me where I needed to go, but it eventually lost its way every single day. Sometimes it took me to places that could pass for Happy if I squinted really hard and was in pretty deep denial. Sometimes it got me worse than lost, landing me in neighborhoods of darkness and despair. It even tried to kill me a few times.
Ahhhhh, there’s the handle! You may feel you aren’t powerful enough to pull it; but I promise you are. Don’t worry about what happens when you open the door to step out; the future is nothing to fear. Is your life not slowing down enough for you to step out? Then open the door and jump out. It will be the first of many incredible, supernatural feats of faith you will employ. You will be caught. By choosing my Higher Power to fuel my journey and surrounding myself with others who want to arrive at Happy, I love the trip to my new destiny.
Every night as I lay my head down to sleep or to a blackout, I swore I would never ever ride in that vehicle again. Never. Never. Never. Yet every new morning, I stepped into the same means of transport, chiding it to remember the way this time and take me to Happy. “My destiny awaits!” I would tell it, every single day; but it couldn’t hear me over the bravado of its own engine. I was so cocky, so confident that I was calling the shots, though nothing was further from the truth.
God is okay with the rattles and squeaks in my spirit. He isn’t bothered by them in the least and He’s not concerned about getting to Happy the fastest way possible.
If you choose not to disembark from your addiction, accept that your vehicle only seats one; it’s a lonely mode of transportation. Many will be crushed under your wheels as you self-destruct, but you will sit by yourself as your disease progresses.
I am a new human being again, with places to go, people to see, things to do. I don’t even entertain thoughts of my old ways and means; they took me nowhere but down. They had no part in getting me to Happy.
If you choose not to disembark from your addiction, you will also miss all the breathtaking sights. If you do manage to see in your addiction, you will most likely not remember what you saw. If you choose not to disembark, you will continue to delude yourself that you and your addiction know The Way. “Wheee! I’m headed for destruction and nobody can stop me!”
I had to kick a few tires before I chose my new transportation, but that’s okay, too. There is a huge learning curve in this recovery life. I’ve learned that it isn’t about arriving at my destination all in one piece, but it is about experiencing the journey in One Peace.
Today I ask God every day to direct me in all I do. I take the time to stretch my traveler’s legs. I gather with others who, like me, are on the way to Happy; and I don’t forget to enjoy the views. My destiny awaits. So does yours.
Nobody could stop me from drinking – except me – backed by the power of God Himself. Nobody can stop you 70
In Recovery Magazine
Jana Greene is a Jesus freak, wife, mother, recovering alcoholic, author and blogger at The Beggars Bakery. In 2001, she surrendered her will to Jesus and still surrenders on a daily basis. She writes to let others know where to find the Bread of Life. She lives with her husband, daughters and kitty cats in North Carolina. TheBeggarsBakery.net
Winter 2016
“My practice is now able to prescribe healthy alternative medications to recovery patients on-site. Americeuticals offers a convenient, streamlined approval technology and we participate in the prescription revenue�. I was able to get off the harmful narcotics by using one of these alternatives which are just as effective. I feel so much better and I was able to kick my addiction.
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In Recovery Magazine
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AA Mutuality: Fellowship + Program
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by Steve K.
ome agnostic and atheist members of Alcoholics needed by others, which is an aspect of our social instinct. Anonymous (AA) tend to focus upon the Fellowship AA scholar Ernest Kurtz refers to this need in his book, as a principle means of recovery while dismissing the Shame & Guilt: Program as not really necessary and, in effect, divorcing the The sense that one is able to make a differtwo. According to the AA Preamble, members have the right not to practice the suggested Twelve Step program of recovery and to correctly state that AA is a Fellowship and not a program or book. However, I believe the Fellowship and Program are mutually dependent upon one another. Twelve Step groups are often referred to as “mutual aid groups,” which suggests the reciprocal nature of members helping one another in order to recover from a common condition. This defining characteristic is encapsulated in Step Twelve: “Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.” In my opinion, the message to be carried is clearly recovery through the Twelve Steps. This is the “common solution” suggested in page 25 of Chapter Two of the book Alcoholics Anonymous, which describes the Steps as “a simple kit of spiritual tools.” Chapter Two, page 17, also suggests that having shared a common disease is not sufficient to bind the Fellowship together, and that a common solution upon which we can all agree is required. Tradition Five states the following: “Each group has but one primary purpose – to carry its message to the alcoholic who still suffers.” The shared problem is alcoholism, and the shared solution is the Twelve Step program of recovery. The Fellowship is the vehicle for carrying the Program to its members. According to its founders, these elements are the basis of the Fellowship.
ence is a deeply basic human need; indeed, Alcoholics Anonymous very unintentionally founded its fellowship upon this vital need. For five months after A.A.’s chronologically first co-founder stopped drinking, he found no one willing to accept his help. Then, alone in “the hick-town” of Akron, Ohio, in May 1935, William Griffith Wilson, the sophisticated New Yorker, discovered that he needed another alcoholic if he himself was to stay sober . . . Perhaps an even more significant moment occurred some days later at the bedside of the alcoholic who was to become “A.A. Number Three.” Wilson and Smith told Bill D. that talking with him was the only way they could stay sober. Bill D. believed them, and therefore he listened. (p. 26)
This reciprocity of mutual help is most deeply felt in the experience of AA sponsorship. The aim of sponsorship is to guide someone through the Twelve Step process and to be an example of recovery through the Program. Hopefully, sponsees receive the support and guidance needed to connect with and practice the Steps in their lives. In my experience, my relationship with both the Fellowship and the Program is strengthened and developed by sponsoring another person. My growth from sponsorship is returned to the Fellowship, and both I and others benefit. The depth and reciprocal nature of mutuality within the AA Fellowship is well expressed in another quote by Kurtz: Mutuality means making a difference not by
Liberal interpretations of AA literature and the Traditions “giving and getting” but by giving by getting, can result in thinking that there is no common solution to getting by giving. This reciprocal conjunction recovery in the Fellowship. I can see how this interpretaof the experience of giving and the experience tion might seem legitimate. The Program is only suggestof receiving characterizes not only Alcoholics ed, not mandatory. There are no rules or must do’s in AA. Anonymous, but all expressions of human Members are allowed to relate to the Steps in a way that is love. This reality of love is one deep reason individually meaningful to them. However, the Steps are a why Alcoholics Anonymous works. (p. 27) fundamental part of the Fellowship. I believe the founders’ intention was to carry the message of the Twelve Steps as a The Fellowship inspires the program of recovery. The Twelve Steps and the practice of the Steps inspire the Felcommon solution to the problem of alcoholism. lowship. In this sense, they are mutually interdependent. This mutuality or interdependence between the Fellowship The principles and practices of the AA Program inform the and Program also applies to its members. The Fellowship individual member’s relationships. The Steps are the glue was founded upon the basis of one alcoholic helping an- that binds the Fellowship together in a common purpose other in order to stay sober, a form of “enlightened altru- and way of being, and gives it a special character or ethos, ism.” This principle satisfies the basic human need to be the basis of which is love and service. 72
In Recovery Magazine
Winter 2016
Dependent and Independent Alcoholics Anonymous, both in its suggestion of a “Higher Power” and in the way its meetings work, invites and enables the living out of this mutuality between human dependence and personal independence. The First Step of the AA program establishes the foundation for this understanding: only by acknowledging continuing dependence upon alcohol does the AA member achieve the continuing independence of freedom from addiction to alcohol. (p. 29)
The Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous has often been criticized for encouraging dependence, both upon a higher power and upon the Fellowship itself. This viewpoint lacks appreciation of the difference between immature dependence or co-dependency and healthy mutual dependence or interdependence. In time, mutual aid, as encouraged within AA and by the practice of the Steps, will develop healthy dependence and independence. This point is demonstrated by Kurtz: Dependence and independence, then, are mutually related. Independence is enriched by dependence just as our waking hours can be fruitful only if we obtain adequate sleep. Likewise, constructive dependence requires independence just as healthy sleep requires adequate waking exercise. The very rhythms of human life reflect the mutuality inherent in human nature. In a sense one “charges batteries” by dependence, thus enabling independent operation. The reverse of the analogy proves equally true: being dependent without exercising independence is like over-charging a battery rarely used – destructive of both the self and the source.
Winter 2016
When we acknowledge our addiction and accept help, we can become strong and free. We are then able to offer our strength and support to others in need. “Freely ye have received; freely give . . .” (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p.114).
Steve K. lives in Macclesfield, Cheshire, in northwest England. He has a background in advice and counseling, mainly in the areas of mental health and social welfare law. He regularly chairs his local AA home group. 12stepphilosophy.wordpress.com
In Recovery Magazine
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Serving Underrepresented Populations by Joe C.
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his past October, Minneapolis (aka, Minne-sober), Minnesota, hosted the annual NAADAC conference. The conference theme was, “Embrace Today, Empower Tomorrow.” The mayor welcomed attendees and shared with us something she doesn’t often share with visiting conventioneers: her sobriety date. Minnesota really is Minne-sober! Sensitivity to minorities became an important subtheme of the conference. NAADAC is taking a self-inventory of strengths and shortcomings in the industry, paying attention to the more obscure, most stigmatized addictions, the least understood, and also the problems of parity in meeting the needs of all cultures and marginalized communities. Kirk Bowden, PhD, MAC, NCC, LPC, a member of the Editorial Advisory Committee for NAADAC’s Advances in Addiction and Recovery Magazine and also retiring NAADAC President, reminded attendees that there is a growing demand for behavioral-health professionals in a world facing many mental health issues. The profession is aging, and “turnover is high,” Bowden said. This is true in most helping professions where many entering the job market are unprepared for the discrepancy between heavy workloads and modest paychecks. Bowden also spoke about the Association’s advocacy for standardized credentials throughout the country. “Qualifications range from 250 hours of online or community college learning to master’s degrees in addiction specialty,” he said. As a layperson, I have wondered about this. What does it really mean when someone puts the title “Sobriety Coach,” “Substance Use Disorder Expert,” or “Peer-to-Peer Mentor” on their business card? Cynthia Moreno Tuohy, NCAC II, CDC III, SAP and NAADAC’s Executive Director, was proud to report that www.naadac.org is growing. NAADAC reaches 45,000 individuals with every email blast; Facebook, Twitter and LinkedIn social media numbers have doubled over the last few years; and the webinar system for continuing education now eclipses 2,000 participants each month.
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Keynote speaker Sheila Raye Charles, preacher, singer, daughter of Ray Charles, and person in long-term recovery, shared songs and stories of her experience, strength and hope. Leonard Buschel of Reel Recovery Film Festival shared a viewing of the documentary, “How I Got Over,” which followed 15 formerly homeless and/or incarcerated women who, through a community arts program in Washington DC called Theatre Lab, learn to share their stories through acting and singing. This heartwarming story culminated with a sold-out show at The Kennedy Center. William Moyers, VP of Public Affairs and Community Relations at Betty Ford, spoke and read from two of his books, Broken: My Story of Addiction and Redemption (2006) and Now What? An Insider’s Guide to Addiction and Recovery (2012). Moyers spoke about his 20 years of helping reduce the stigma of both addiction and recovery. He shared the remarks of a congressman, who said of the addiction/recovery industry, “I’ve never seen an industry do a better job of circling the wagons and then start shooting inwards.” He spoke of the many paths and many faces of recovery, noting, “Our diverse profession has to do more to work together.” Together with John P. McAndrew, MA, MDiv, I presented a workshop called Beyond Belief: Sensible Spirituality in Treatment and Recovery. We shared data about demographic shifts and ways that mutual-aid groups are bending to accommodate more diverse memberships. We engaged attendees in a conversation about how recovery is not a melting pot for a set of beliefs and rituals; it is a tapestry of many paths. We are many voices, with many minorities sharing varying views and practices. We can all learn to be more sensitive to this diverse community. President and CEO of Hazelden Betty Ford Foundation, Mark Mishek, made two bold statements. First, he conceded that the “main reason the mainstream is looking to treat the opioid crisis as a medical problem and not a criminal problem is that it’s now right next door in our suburbs. When it was deemed an African American/Latino problem, there was less concern about criminalizing it. Now when my wife and I ask, ‘who’s had a child who’s
In Recovery Magazine
Winter 2016
suffered an opioid overdose,’ a lot of hands go up.” He also admitted that Hazelden Betty Ford clients and staff are predominantly white. “We don’t represent the population we mean to address. Steps are being taking to be more inclusive.” It was heartwarming to hear about the efforts of an industry that is trying to catch up with America’s changing ethnic and cultural landscape. The Minority Fellowship Program for Addiction Counselors, a great NAADAC initiative, awards qualified applicants with up to $18,000 in funding for a master’s degree and attendance at the NAADAC annual conference. For a period of time, awardees must work in the addiction/recovery field with an emphasis on care for underrepresented populations. Applicants need not be a member of a minority community to apply. Kirk
Winter 2016
Bowden reported that all of the eligible minority fellowship scholarship dollars were not awarded. I left NAADAC 2016 feeling that the industry sincerely cares about those of us whose lives they touch. Addiction professionals aren’t patting themselves on the back; they’re offering each other a hand of support as they try to help us and our loved ones find our way from addiction to recovery.
In Recovery Magazine
Joe C. is a radio host and writer of financial, music and recovery lifestyle feature articles. Sober since 1976, Joe wrote the first daily reflection book for nonbelievers, freethinkers and everyone, Beyond Belief: Agnostic Musings for 12 Step Life (2013), for which Dr. Ernest Kurtz wrote the foreword. www.RebellionDogsPublishing.com
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In Recovery Magazine
Winter 2016
Our favorite tips and humor for people traipsing the Road of Happy Destiny
Keep my eyes off the chaos. Rules for living: 1. Thou shalt not have anything wrong with you. 2. If you do, get over it fast. Rule #62: Don’t take yourself so darned seriously!
It all comes back to fear. Don’t let perfect get in the way of good. No matter where I go, there I am.
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Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.
dmitting powerlessness and defeat is of the utmost importance in the Twelve Step approach to recovery – Step One in all of the Twelve Step fellowships expresses the need for an admission of powerlessness and unmanageability. It was only a firm conviction that I was defenseless and truly powerless that finally convinced me to summon the determination to begin the Twelve Steps and recover from my addiction. Every time I drank alcohol, I became menacingly drunk. Why could I simply not start drinking? Time after time, I would drink – each time experiencing even greater problems. In an unrecovered state, I had no mental defense against my first drink. The problem was not my lack of knowledge or understanding. The problem was my lack of power. In order to begin my path to recovery, I had to admit two things: I was truly powerless and unable to control when I would engage in my problem behavior and how long I would engage in it. I had to surrender to some type of miraculous intervention – a power from outside myself – or I was doomed to repeat this destructive behavior. I also had to admit that my life had become unmanageable. For me, there were two distinct types of unmanageability. First, I began to experience the outward effects of my behavior. If I drank, I got DUIs and hangovers, and I lost jobs. When I overate, I gained weight and became unhealthy. If I gambled, I lost money I needed to pay bills. The outward manifestation of my problem was apparent to those closest to me, and it caused financial setbacks and damage to my closest relationships. I failed to live up to what I believed was my potential. The effects of my inner unmanageability were even worse. I was uncomfortable with myself and my environment, and I could not control my quality of life. I was unable to follow through on promises or commitments. I suffered feelings of shame, guilt, resentment, frustration, depression, anxiety and irritability. Those feelings dominated me spiritually and emotionally, leaving little hope for true happiness. Fortunately, there is hope for the unmanageable life of addiction. As I began to experience recovery, I began to understand how sick I really was. Healing from my spiritual malady continues year after year, as I practice the Twelve Steps. Every year that I engage in recovery disciplines, the quality of my life significantly improves.
ADVERTISING INDEX Acceptance Recovery Center........................................61 Americeuticals..............................................................71 Bella Monte Recovery..................................................25 Big Sky Recovery...........................................................21 Billing Solutions.................................... inside back cover Blueprints to Recovery.................................................51 C4 Recovery......................................................... 31 & 73 Calvary Addiction Center..............................................65 Camelback Recovery....................................................59 Chapter 5 Recovery......................................................09 Compass Recovery.......................................................13 Davidson & Belluso – AOPG.........................................07 Decision Point Center................................... inside cover Desert Star....................................................................03 Evolution of Addiction..................................................02 Hepburn Capital...........................................................43 Heroes & Horses...........................................................26 KIPU Systems...................................................back cover Lakeview Health...........................................................31 LaVita RDS....................................................................63 Life Transformation Recovery.......................................67 Midwest Recovery Centers...........................................01 My 12 Step Store..........................................................41 Prescott House for Men...............................................07 Reco Intensive..............................................................11 Serene Scene Magazine................................................80 Specialty Health Products.............................................27 Steps to Recovery Homes.............................................53 Teen Challenge of Tucson.............................................75
Chris Schroeder lives with his wife, Andrea, in Meriden, Connecticut. For over 20 years, he has consulted with treatment centers and lectured worldwide on recovery-related topics. He manages a facilities department at a pharmaceutical research and development site in New England. https://twitter.com/ChrisSchroeder5
The Real Chronicle........................................................71 The Well Recovery Center............................................43 Thoughtlettes...................................................... 32 & 33 Valor Behavioral Healthcare.........................................43 Wurth Organizing.........................................................57
Winter 2016
In Recovery Magazine
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Advertorial
www.steppinoutradio.com by Mike Kinosian
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ometimes it seems that sadness and disappointment permeate our society. This is particularly true for people struggling with addiction. Substance abuse and other serious problems can quickly lead to major depression; not knowing what to do about it or where to get help creates even more challenges. Arming oneself with information can be a helpful first step. Knowledge is power, and the wisdom-packed stories of Powerful Radio Productions’ Steppin’ Out Radio are filled with suggestions and practical solutions for some of life’s most serious issues, especially the disease of addiction. Steppin’ Out Radio does not mimic life – it is life; real life. The storytellers featured in this riveting and positive radio show illustrate that surviving and thriving are within everyone’s reach. The common thread throughout these compelling narratives is the ability to transform a broken life into one of promise and sobriety. Each show centers on how a person who was powerless over a destructive addiction was able to recover. Steppin’ Out Radio, which debuted in 2000, is the brainchild of Powerful Radio president and executive producer, Denise McIntee, who became fascinated with the Twelve Step meetings she attended as part of a requirement for graduate psychology courses. At these meetings, she learned how people in the grip of addiction were able to transform their lives. The accounts McIntee heard in the meetings were so deeply intimate and moving that they dramatically changed her life. “There was so much raw truth and honesty,” she pointed out. “Men and women talked in real terms, freely sharing their feelings. At the center of it, people were rooting for each other.” Confident that a show like this would touch radio listeners, McIntee, who was not in recovery, emphasized, “Great talk radio is great storytelling, and these were the best storytellers in the world.” Wanting to adhere to a Twelve Step meeting format, McIntee explained that the stories are the stars. “It’s just people sharing how their problem started, how it progressed, what spurred them to take action, how they managed to turn their lives around, and what their lives are like now.” McIntee has been particularly conscientious about securing stellar speakers. Many emails and calls she receives are from people who are not in recovery. “They are simply captivated by the stories,” she explains. “They tell us if these storytellers could turn their lives around, then they could, too. Being able to jump online at 3 AM or listen in on our Steppin’ Out Radio mobile app to hear a story of inspiration from anywhere in the world has helped so many people.”
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McIntee noted that many therapists have contacted her in support of the radio program. “Their clients were hesitant to initially attend a meeting, but after hearing the show, their fears were assuaged,” she shares. Steppin’ Out participants have included actress Barbara Eden; former MLB player, Darryl Strawberry; CNBC’s Larry Kudlow; rock star Greg Allman of the Allman Brothers; Joe Pantoliano (Ralph Cifaretto of The Sopranos); and many others from every walk of life. As McIntee underscored, “[Addiction] is an issue that affects us all.” In addition to the approximately 30 traditional radio stations that air Steppin’ Out, the program can be heard in over 180 countries on the American Armed Forces Radio Network and on all naval ships by a prospective audience of one million military members and their families. Countless others tune in online at www.12stepmeeting.com and on our new mobile app @ Steppin’ Out Radio. Though some speakers prefer not to use their last name on the program, eradicating the stigma of shame associated with being in recovery and with mental illness is one of McIntee’s main objectives. “Addiction and mental illness are diseases – the shame is in not doing anything about them,” she stressed. “People go into recovery every day, but there’s a misconception that they are homeless people who live under bridges. This could not be further from the truth.” The program also features the “Anon” speakers, friends and family members of those grappling with an addiction who have found help in this worldwide Twelve Step program and through other means. “We feature pilots, doctors, lawyers, policemen and teachers, among others,” noted McIntee, who spent 18 years at New York City’s WABC-AM, the last five of which she was the talk radio station’s operations manager. “Oftentimes, the media perpetuates the myth that those in recovery are out-of-control people who cannot stay sober and wreak havoc on [the lives of] others.” The truth is, most of these people maintain a life of sobriety and good mental health. They tend to have successful careers and happy, productive lives. Though McIntee features the positive side of recovery, she remarked, “Many organizations don’t want their products to be associated with those in recovery, further perpetuating the stigma. Our society removed the stigma from many other issues. By airing these stories, we hope to do the same with recovery.” Slowly, it’s happening, one story at a time. http://www.12stepmeeting.com/
In Recovery Magazine
Winter 2016
by Yvonne Hickey , Saturday, I went running by Cardinal Lake and thought of you and your funeral the next day. It was dusk and the wind was picking up across the lake. Earlier in the day, I had some anxiety about this jobless moment in my life. I wanted to drink, and I thought about the last words you whispered in my ear a few weeks before, “You are not alone.” I knew the reality was the opposite. I hit the play button on my cellphone and listened to the intro of my favorite song, “Fight Song.” “This is my fight song, take back my life song, prove I’m alright song. My power’s turned on. Starting right now, I’ll be strong, I’ll play my fight song. And I don’t really care if nobody else believes ‘cause I still got a lot of fight left in me.” That night, I ran the farthest I had ever run. I am not sure if I pushed myself harder for you, or if I pushed myself harder so I wouldn’t end up like you. I feel my insides rip apart when I think like that. I just wish someone could have helped you, could have given you a “Fight Song.” The faster I ran and the more it hurt, I knew the yearning for that poison, alcohol, was exiting my body. I understood it was not the alcohol that took you away, even though it assisted your quick exit from life. I stopped running for a moment and looked out across the lake. I watched as the wind blew the water until it seemed to be arriving on shore. As the wind blew harder, I thought perhaps it was you coming in for your service the next day. I walked into the church Sunday afternoon, slightly frustrated at myself for never being on time, not even for your funeral. I sat down with our AA friends. The preacher was already talking. He asked everyone in the church to stand up if they had lost someone dear to them in the past. Everyone in the church stood up.
I believed the preacher when he said you had done every right. You could not stop drinking. That poison took you away and left a church full of tears. I didn’t think I would cry. Heck, I really didn’t know you very well; yet somehow, you touched my life when you spoke about how alcohol had invaded yours. You touched my life when you hugged me after the meeting and said, “You are not alone.” I watched your best friend of 51 years make her way to the podium, holding tightly onto her husband’s arm. He held on to her as she spoke. I don’t remember everything she said, but her sadness, her tears, stood out. She was broken. As I listened to her share her deep pain, for the first time I did not feel panic; I felt tears, a lot of them, falling down my face. My tears were for your friend and her pain. I knew she would never be the same again. Many said we should be happy for you, that by taking your life, you were no longer in pain. I feel okay thinking you are happy, but I am sad for those you left behind. You had a lot of people who loved you, probably more than you will ever know. Sunday evening, I drove around Cardinal Lake. It was dark and the lights were shining on the water. There was no wind. The water was calm. I thought of you and smiled to myself as I rolled down the window. Hopefully you are happy now, and hopefully you are not alone. I have not relapsed; I am proud of that. It’s been hard; it still is, but I know I am not alone.
The preacher continued, “Now I want everyone to take a look at each other.” We did. I was not ready for his next comment. “You are not alone.” “Oh Jeez,” I said out loud as I felt my stomach turn. The phrase “You are not alone” rang in my ears. Hearing it freaked me out. I could believe it was a coincidence or I could believe it was you, Julie, telling the preacher to say such a thing. I chose to believe it was you.
Vonny Hickey is from Dublin, Ireland. She became an American citizen last year and has lived in Atlanta, Georgia, for the past 20 years. She likes to write in her spare time. In honor of her dad who suffers from vascular dementia, she hopes to write something to bring more recognition to this disease. yvonny1232@gmail.com
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In Recovery Magazine
Winter 2016