2016 summer in recovery magazine

Volume 16 Summer 2016

Magazine

Into the Wave Tom Carroll

Recovery Unplugged Richie Supa

US/CAN $5.99

Display Until August 31, 2016

The Semicolon John Romaniello

It’s a new day at

DECISION POINT

Sometimes, truly meeting people where they are takes you further than you ever imagined.

We set out to reshape treatment for today’s young people. We ended up rethinking our approach to substance use disorders, redefining what success means to our clients, and completely reinventing our programs.

This new day at Decision Point means a new way for adults 18+ to understand themselves, their treatment, and their potential.

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We strive to maintain the highest treatment standards using evidence based practices in an understanding and ethical environment.

• Intensive Outpatient • 24- Hour Supervised Structured Sober Living • Individualized Treatment Planning • Medical Evaluation and Consultation • Individual Therapy • Family Support Group • 12-Step Transportation and Integration • Year Long Continuum of Care

Office: 816.599.7382 Admissions: 844.597.1376 Fax: 816.599.7510 midwestrecoverycenters.com

SAVE THE DATE NOVEMBER 18, 2016

Magazine Presents the IRM Third Annual Gratitude Gala

Held at the beautiful Point Hilton Squaw Peak Resort in Scottsdale, Arizona

Presenting Alonzo Bodden

Join us for a night of awards, laughter, good food and networking.

Sign up now to be a sponsor of this grand event where part of the proceeds will be donated to recovery-related nonprofit organizations.

Discounted rooms are available at the Hilton. Limited seats and rooms are available so register early. Tickets are $75 per person.

For tickets, sponsorship or general information contact Kim Welsh, Publisher

@ 928.533.7032

publisher@inrecoverymagazine.com

In Recovery Magazine PO Box 11176 Prescott, AZ 86304

Alonzo Bodden’s first big comedy break came when he was on the New Faces of Comedy showcase at Just for Laughs comedy festival in Montreal. Introduced to America on NBCʼs Last Comic Standing, Introduced to America on NBCʼs Last Comic Standing, Bodden was runner up on Season 2 and came back to win it all on Last Comic Standing Season 3’s “The Best of the Best.”

A regular on NPR’s Wait Wait . . . Don’t Tell Me!, Bodden recently premiered his second Showtime comedy special entitled Historically Incorrect, and filmed a guest role on the upcoming ABC comedy Dr. Ken, starring Ken Jeong.

Bodden’s also on three episodes of Jay’s Garage, Jay Leno’s car show on CNBC. Let’s just say he has learned at least three cars he’ll never fit into. So much for buying a classic Jag!

In 2011, he starred in the Showtime comedy special, Who’s Paying Attention, released a DVD and now hosts a podcast of the same name. That same year, he was a panelist on the syndicated show, Inside the Vault.

Bodden has also hosted the Speed Channel’s 101 Cars You Must Drive and America’s Worst Driver on the Travel Channel, and has appeared on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and Late Night with Conan O’Brien.

While his movie career has primarily consisted of playing security guards – Bodden has protected the best, including Steve Martin and Queen Latifah in Bringing Down the House and Leslie Nielsen in Scary Movie 4, he was also the voice of Thunderon in Power Rangers Lightspeed Rescue.

Bodden has traveled the world entertaining USO troops from Iraq to Greenland and everywhere in between.

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From the Publisher Kim Welsh

P.O. Box 11176, Prescott, AZ 86304 inrecoverymagazine.com CEO/Publisher Kim Welsh Editor in Chief Janet A. Hopkins Operations Manager Valerie Lambert Senior Copyeditor Rebecca (Becca) Fields Copyeditors Barbara Schuderer Mary Locke Subscriptions John Schuderer Advertising Sales Jacque Miller Layout/Design Kim Welsh

C

publisher@inrecoverymagazine.com

an you believe it? We’re half way through another year. Time sure flies when you’re having fun!

Recovery is fun. I never thought it could be.

I thought the clean and sober life would be so boring – boy, was I ever wrong! I love having the ability to make plans and follow through with them, show up when I say I’m going to and complete a project I am proud of – all possible because of my recovery.

What are your plans for the summer? A little traveling? A remodel?

Family coming to visit? Maybe you’re just looking forward to some fun in the sun. Whatever you decide, don’t forget those still struggling to find their way, for whom survival is the only focus. Let’s see how we can help these folks. After all, aren’t most of us in that boat at one time or another?

Random acts of kindness make the world a better place. Do you know of someone who has reached out to help others in a powerful way? Share the story with us; we’d like to include your tribute in our magazine.

In the meanwhile, have a splashing good time this summer!

Kim Welsh

Graphic Artist/Ad Design Kim Welsh Cover Photo © ZUMA Press, Inc. Alamy Stock Photo

From the Editor

Janet A. Hopkins

Kay’s Kitchen Kay Luckett CrossTalk Stephanie Moles Book Review Lena H. Author’s Cafe Catherine Townsend-Lyon Meditation Michael Lyding BodyTalk Victoria Abel Recovery Tech Ashley Loeb-Blassingame Chaos and Clutter Free Danielle Wurth Recovery Today Will Hepburn

In Recovery Magazine is published quarterly (4 times a year) by In Recovery Magazine, Inc., PO Box 11176, Prescott, Arizona 86304. Subscription rates (US dollars): 1 year $17.95, 2 years $25.95 in the United States and Possessions; 1 year $37.95, 2 years $65.95 in Canada and Mexico; all other countries $41.95 for 1 year, $73.95 for 2 years. Single copies (prepaid only): $8.99 in US, $11.99 in Canada and Mexico and $12.99 in all other countries. All rates include shipping and handling. Email your request to valerie@inrecoverymagazine.com.

The magazine is published by founder, Kim Welsh, printed in the US by American Web and distributed by Disticor Magazine Distribution Services. ©2016 In Recovery Magazine, Inc. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including by photocopy, recording, or information storage and retrieval without permission in writing from the publisher. For uses beyond those listed above, please direct your written request to Permission Dept., email: editor@inrecoverymagazine.com.

In Recovery Magazine does not verify any claims or other information appearing in any of the advertisements contained in the publication and cannot take responsibility for any losses or other damages incurred by readers in reliance of such content. Publication of any advertisement is not to be construed as an endorsement of the product or service offered.

In Recovery Magazine (IRM) reserves the right to editorial control of all articles, stories and Letters to the Editor. IRM assumes no responsibility for errors within its publication. The opinions expressed are those of the authors and do not necessarily represent the policies of IRM and should not be construed as endorsements. Furthermore, IRM will not be responsible for any claims, losses or damages (whether direct or indirect) arising out of or relating to the use of or reliance on the contents of this magazine.

Summer 2016

editor@inrecoverymagazine.com

P

utting together an issue of In Recovery Magazine takes many hands – just take a look at the list to the left. That list doesn’t even include all the contributions from recovering people around the world. This issue was harder to assemble because of the absence of a particular pair of hands. Becca Fields, our senior copyeditor and go-to person for anything grammatical has been sidelined with health issues. We hope she will be back to work for the fall issue.

Kudos to the recovering athletes who submitted articles for this issue.

H. Thomas Gillis tells a tale of sobriety that came as a result of numerous sports injuries and self-medication due to chronic pain. Gordie Bufton sacrificed his youthful aspiration to become a professional golfer at the feet of his addiction, but now shares his recovery story at schools and with other audiences around the world.

And who can’t feel the love while rocking in recovery with the great Richie Supa? Both his music and his message show the way for others to find healing and a new way of life. Yes, Music is Medicine for the soul, says Josh Hoe. “As a former punk-rock drummer, music elicits a cathartic primal scream of joy in me that beats back the pressures of the day, or feelings of sadness and gloom.”

It’s a hot time in the summer time and the surf ’s up. Two-time world champion surfer, Australian Tom Carroll, tells of his headlong fall into the throes of ice addiction. Now sober for nine years, a 2006 stop in rehab gave him a second chance at a life worth living. Today, he’s doing what he loves to do – in life and in recovery. We are a fortunate crowd of secondchancers.

May you, our readers, get your summer groove on amongst the pages of this issue of In Recovery Magazine.

In Recovery Magazine

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Looking for a rewarding career?

Now that we have your attention...

In Recovery Magazine is seeking national advertising sales representatives.

Would you like to be part of one of the fastest growing publications in the recovery industry? In Recovery Magazine is just that publication.

We are on a quest for experienced advertising salespeople to secure contracts with the resources that are so important to our readers – our advertisers. We are looking for friendly, outgoing and high-energy people who can help us grow.

Only serious applicants need apply. This is a commission-based opportunity with unlimited income capability.

Go to our website and find out what we’re all about – inrecoverymagazine.com. Help us help others as we celebrate recovery around the world.

Please send resumes to Jacque Miller at jacque@inrecoverymagazine.com.

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In Recovery Magazine

Magazine

Summer 2016

Table of Contents

Cover Story

Features

12 | Into the Wave by Tom Carroll Despite being hung over, I was able to return to the ocean. Time and time again, she would bring me around; the sturdy, trusty ocean always there to bring me to my senses. She was my first concept of a Higher Power at work in my life.

Recovery Unplugged by Richie Supa I have had a long career in the music business as a songwriter and touring musician. My name is Richie Supa, and I am an addict in recovery.

16 |

The Art of Recovery by Barbara Nicholson-Brown In 2005, in Phoenix, Arizona, the Art of Recovery Expo was lunched to provide a judgment-free venue where individuals, friends and family could easily find the resources they needed to begin a full life of healing and recovery.

18 |

Alphabet Soup by Jan Pompei I had swum in the veritable alphabet soup of therapies for more than 30 years. I adapted and acclimated to each, doing well in treatment – I was an institution queen.

The Semicolon by John (Roman) Romaniello Project Semicolon is a movement designed to create awareness, community and support for those suffering from depression, particularly for those who have come close to, or seriously contemplated, suicide.

Theme: Athletes in Recovery

22 |

24 |

35 | Breathe, Center, Balance by Laura O’Reilly

40 | Eating Disorders and Athletes by Dr. Amy Gooding

36 |

42 | Natural Born Athlete by H. Thomas Gillis

Addicts tend to go to extremes. Here’s a five-minute exercise to calm the mind and body while bringing balance into your daily life.

A Jersey Girl Goes Wild by Kristen (Kristen F.) Flyer I decided to embark on an extreme outdoor adventure. I had never once in my entire life camped, hiked or canoed; but suddenly I decided to participate in an adult renewal program through Outward Bound.

You might be tempted to think that athletes, with their lean and muscular bodies, are immune from eating disorders. You’d be wrong.

Sports came naturally to me; they simply made sense to my brain. After several injuries, I learned to drink beer or smoke weed when I had pain. It worked.

38 | My Game Stalled by Gordie Bufton

Years of practice and dedication had allowed me to win or place near the top of every tournament I’d ever entered. Golf was my life.

Articles 48 | Clean Slate by Mark M.

60 | Because She Matters by Nancy Todd

52 | Plan B by Jana Greene

62 | The Bubble by Katie Groller

56 | I’m So Happy You’re Not Ugly by Sheryle Cruse

64 | Practicing the Virtues by Steve K.

58 | Weird Girl Walking by Roxanne Clever

68 | Addicted to Dimes by Catherine Townsend-Lyon

Recovering Artists 72 | Blind Faith by John Keenan

I had always thought that drinking and drugging helped my creative process. Now I see that sobriety is the foundation upon which my true creativity is built.

84 | The Moving Canvas by Ann Balowski

What if someone said to you, “Let’s go paint some horses?” Equine-assisted Learning (EAL) and Equine-assisted Psychotherapy (EAP) create a space for people to observe and learn.

76 |

Music as Medicine by Josh Hoe I’ve managed bands, played in bands, attended thousands of concerts and listened to as much music as I possibly could. Until I hit rock bottom, however, I never looked at music as medicine.

78 |

The True and Tangible Line by Kevin Goff Revisiting the incredible art of Kevin Goff. “Painting is an extension of my spirit, a true and tangible line from canvas to my soul.”

82 |

The Hospitality Rider by J.A. Wright The entertainment business is a weird, fast-paced industry – an industry that requires a bit of risk taking. It’s also an industry with a history of enabling artists and their crews.

Summer 2016

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Columns 10 | Meditation by Michael L.

When I came into recovery, my thoughts of God or a Higher Power were somewhat scrambled. I had a belief, but this belief took many paths.

26 |

Everyday Miracle by Gia Barbera Addiction was not a choice for me. Once firmly in its grip, I was powerless; but I realized my recovery was my responsibility.

28 | The BookStand

Recovery is the subject of countless books. Here are some titles worth a look.

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30 | Book Review by Lena H. 32 | The Authors’ Café by Catherine Townsend-Lyon Interviews with recovery authors around the world.

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34 |

Recovery Tech by Ashley Loeb-Blassingame Unfortunately, managing money was not a skill I picked up in rehab. In fact, I barely knew how personal bank accounts worked. I thought kiting a check was getting a loan.

44 | BodyTalk by Victoria Abel

Let’s drop the guilt and get some real facts about snacking.

46 |

Chaos and Clutter Free by Danielle Wurth Everyday Organizing . . . challenges and the solutions that can resolve themselves.

50 | Kay’s Kitchen by Kay Luckett

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My athletic aspirations were born as I waited hopefully to be picked for my grammar school volleyball team; those hopes died the moment I was the last to be chosen.

70 | CrossTalk by Mollé

CrossTalk is based on the premise that recovery life is polytely: frequently, complex problem-solving situations characterized by the presence of not one, but several endings.

87 | Recovery Today by Will Hepburn

Our favorite tips and humor for people traipsing the Road of Happy Destiny.

(Cartoons by Ben Canha)

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50 Summer 2016

TREATMENT PROGRAMS

RESIDENTIAL TREATMENT Intensive Outpatient Program Outpatient Program Aftercare with Structured Residential Sober Living Transitional Sober Living

www.Chapter5Recovery.com

Letters to the Editor From Florida

Contest

What makes your recovery fun?

I Love It! I love your magazine. I read it from cover to cover myself and share it with my clients. Thanks for putting out a great magazine, issue after issue.

I just hope some Florida industry advertisers will wake up and smell the coffee! They need you!

Joan M. Pass-a-Grille Beach, Florida

It Even Feels Like Quality Your magazine even feels like quality. I love the cover and the weight of it; you don’t skimp, even though many magazines have. And it’s chock full of great articles. Keep up the good work.

Anonymous St. Petersburg, Florida We welcome your comments. You may email us

Win a cash prize and a free subscription!

Go to the In Recovery Magazine website and upload a photo and brief description of you and your recovery buddies doing what you do for fun in recovery.

at editor@inrecoverymagazine.com or tweet us at @ InRecovery_Mag. You may also contact us at In Recovery Magazine, PO Box 11176, Prescott, Arizona 86304. Submissions may be edited.

(names optional)

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In Recovery Magazine

Summer 2016

Meditation

The Dancing Never Stops

by Mike L. “If you can’t hear the music, you will think the dancers are crazy.” – Ernie Larsen

hen I came into recovery, my thoughts of God or a Higher Power were somewhat scrambled. I had a belief, but this belief took many paths. It was not until I learned how to communicate with the God of my understanding through Step Eleven that my thoughts of God gained power – like a laser or an acetylene torch gradually focusing to a pinpoint. What joy!

W

That joy was easily surpassed when I realized that the message I learned and passed on to others helped them to better connect with the God of their understanding. Moreover, this joy became greater still when I realized these people had passed this message on to even more people. And so it goes in our Fellowship.

I had been a channel of God’s peace.

The warmth I have in my heart opens up in gratitude to my Higher Power; and this, too, spreads. Come join us.

If you hear the music, the dancing never stops.

Mike L. has been drawn to prayer and meditation since becoming sober in December 1993. At age 58, while meditating, he discovered he had a desire to write. Thus far, the result has been two daily meditation books primarily for the recovering communities, Grateful Not Smug (2006) and Gratitude a Verb (2009).

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In Recovery Magazine

Summer 2016

Cover Story

Into the Wave

by Tom Carroll

M

y clean and sober birth date is December 18, 2006.

To me, this date says “the turning point” loud and clear; it was a day I was led to because of my addiction.

In early recovery, I identified with stories of feeling separate. In Narcotics Anonymous (NA) a man handed me a CD to listen to while I was driving or traveling.

I heard the speaker describe my first day at school, sitting there among strangers “. . . looking up at the blackboard puzzled, listening and not knowing what the teacher was saying, but imagining everyone else did. At that point, had I been offered something to relieve the feeling of separation, I would have taken it without hesitation.”

I was blessed to be born into a family living in Sydney, Australia. Sydney’s northern beaches are located where a crystal clear Tasman Sea meets an east-facing coastline strewn with golden sand crescents, bookended by headlands defiant against millennia of pulsing elements.

The pulse I literally fell into was that of the ever-present ocean waves.

As a freshly-turned seven-year-old, the build-up to Christmas 1968 defined my life up to that moment.

Household rumor had it that my big brother, Nick, was getting a surfboard and I was getting, well, something else – something much smaller to match my size and rank in the family.

Tied to those days was the unspoken inevitability of our mother’s last months in this world. Suffering the final

12

stages of pancreatic cancer and numerous complications, she came home from a long stay in the hospital to spend Christmas with us. The life-changing moment of that Christmas Day is clear as a bell in my mind even today – the moment the surfboard came out from under Mum’s side of our parents’ bed and was given to me.

In the ocean, I began to make sense of the world by fleeing the loss presented by life on land and the subtle discomfort in which lay the sprout of my dis-ease. Surfing soon became both my escape and my passion. I disappeared into myself and into the constant visual splendor of the ocean’s light and color. It was a spiritual answer to my question, “What the hell just happened; where do I fit?”

Surfing at sunrise gave me a much clearer message than the bewildering talk and chalk squiggles presented in the classroom. In the 1970s, learning the ropes off the older guys meant witnessing some of the best surfers at my local beach fall into heroin use. It just didn’t make any sense to me and my friends – why stop surfing to throw up and nod off in the street? We wanted to engage, and these guys were obviously checking out.

My friends and I had a ton of freedom from the age of eleven or twelve. Parental guidance was relinquished to the school and was not a part of the world of riding waves.

Naturally open, inquisitive, easily influenced and aiming to be accepted at all levels, I tried to fit in with everyone and went with the flow when introduced to drinking alcohol and smoking pot. For the most part, these two drugs made me feel odd and ill. I didn’t want to be left out and was

In Recovery Magazine

Summer 2016

desperate to be “a part of ” despite the deep inner aversion to the contrary. Although I knew they weren’t doing me any good, I was “in.”

Surfing took me down the competitive road, which felt completely at odds with why I was initially drawn to it.

I did, however, like the surfing media recognition coming toward me in spades. Then came the financial support, and my ambitious mind was born along with a healthy ego.

As the competitive path took precedence, I traveled more.

From age 16 onward, I looked further and further outward and into a career that didn’t yet fully exist in the 1978 surfing world. There were world champions, but that was only a distant dream, something I could not yet see in myself at that point. Nevertheless, with surfing, I finally felt true purpose and direction.

In the winter of 1979, on the North Shore, Oahu, Hawaii, I found myself casually accepted into a circle of my favorite surfers from the local area, also well-known and accomplished in the surfing world. Here, I was introduced to a drug that instantly lifted me up above the line and out of what I identify now as an ancient lingering feeling of separation. I was suddenly fully connected and engaged with those I admired. Unafraid at last!

Addiction slowly seeped in under my ambitions and intentions to be the best I could be at what I most dearly loved. Increasingly driven and willful in maintaining my focus, the rollercoaster ride began with wild peaks and troughs. This new degradation simply seemed like fun and Summer 2016

what the coolest dudes did when out on the town. It all seemed so okay.

Despite being hung over, I was able to return to the ocean.

Time and time again, she would bring me around; the sturdy, trusty ocean always there to bring me to my senses.

She was my first concept of a Higher Power at work in my life.

The structure of my competitive path also played its part in refocusing my spirit. It gave me permission to cleverly and secretively set behavior patterns around an achievement and reward cycle that became increasingly more extreme.

It also deepened my denial, or, if you like, my darkness, into wanting to do the best I possibly could in order to allow myself to party. This cycle created an energy that lifted me beyond myself into competitive confrontation – a place I believed I was never truly able to reach on my own. Eventually, the effort became too much to hold up, and the false competitor in me couldn’t keep form against the rise of new talent.

I had a wife, two beautiful daughters and a great house overlooking the surf break where I had learned to surf.

I had it all. The time came, however, when I had to let go of my competitive career. By then, my addiction had become a finely-choreographed dance with layers of masked characters separating the real me from other people.

I attempted to do the right thing and take on business opportunities to carry us beyond my competitive career, but my unaddressed issues began to surface. The addict

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“The cure for anything is salt water: sweat, tears or the sea.”

Isak Dinesen

part of me wanted to run from responsibility at the drop of a diaper change and, eager to build support through enablers, I simply dug deeper into the hole of denial.

The energy required to hold it all together eventually dissipated when my wife, Lisa, asked me to get help in that secretive way high-profile people do in order to maintain their positive public image, an image we all lived with so comfortably – NOT. My first attempt at psychotherapy began in 1992 in an office overlooking Sydney Harbor Bridge. I thought I had a genuine urge to get myself clean. For the first time, a new honesty came pouring out. We had three sessions.

The week preceding my fourth session, I saw a newspaper clipping about my psychotherapist being struck off the register for shooting Pethadine. The well-versed addict inside me responded with, “What the hell was that all about? I’m going for it.”

With a family in tow and a functional habit onboard, a rocky decade ensued. Nothing resembling the kind of honesty I first showed that psychotherapist peeked out from behind the ego-blown beast and the low self-esteem ant of a human I was becoming. Under wraps, the beast just grew bigger in the darkness of my unconsciousness.

Self-centered, self-seeking and never satisfied, my substance of choice would stop working or become boring.

I would swear off it and come clean, only to eventually dive back into a new drug of choice – from Ecstasy to a healthy speed habit. Eventually, in 2001, methamphetamine came into the equation.

Meth hit the spot and kept me super-functional for extended periods of time – the way I always wanted to be. My addict self built up extraordinary steam under the gravity of meth’s influence on my inner makeup. When I couldn’t get it, I was twice as twitchy and incoherent as I was while under its influence.

Life from this space was incredibly frightening, especially 14

with a brand-new daughter staring me in the face. My conscience was screaming at me to wake up. I was so confused about what direction to take that I kept reaching for more to drown out my voice of reason.

Finally in August 2006, while I was on another trip overseas, my wife unexpectedly found the culprit of her own distress sloppily hidden in my home office. I would usually clean up while traveling, so I was bursting at the seams to get home to use. Only this time, I was exposed for what I was; my disconnected behaviors, hiding and erratic creeping around were answered for. The look in her eyes was devastating. In my absence, she had been on a mission, asking for help from friends who knew where to get it.

To my surprise, an old high school acquaintance and now friendly local surfer (who eventually became my first sponsor) led me to NA Twelve Step recovery. On a cool early September night, I knocked on his door; he offered a seat and we chatted. I couldn’t hear a thing he said over the thought that this gave me a chance to get out of the house to score.

He took me to my first meeting, but my head was so overbearingly loud and I was so deeply lost in my addiction that nothing made much sense. In and out of recovery and unable to be honest, I started using again in earnest; attending meetings and lying about my clean time in order to keep everyone at bay, just so I could somehow keep up my mask of denial.

My underlying dread was that this mask couldn’t last for long without my losing everything. Busted by my wife again, this postcard from the edge is still vivid today. I was beaten, my soul depleted and defeated.

I remember the look of pain in my wife’s eyes; I couldn’t stand it. She said, “Maybe you’ll have to go to church or something?” I balked hard at that idea – confused, fearful and not trusting a God so many had used against one another through organized religions. But it also made

In Recovery Magazine

Summer 2016

sense; my spirit had to be awakened somehow, as I felt so desperate and so dead inside. My sponsor came to visit and calmly said, “Tom, you can’t do this on the street, you’ll need to get some distance from the substances.” So into treatment I went.

This was my turning point; I fully surrendered to treatment on December 18, 2006, and let go of my life as I knew it.

I had no real idea of how much I wanted to give up drugs until I spent some time without access to them. Eventually I became open to information, tools and suggestions that might help keep me from using drugs.

On Sydney’s Northern Beaches at South Pacific Private Hospital on the southern end of Curl Curl Beach, I began the journey back to my heart and my true self. A series of tough guidelines followed in order to rebuild my personal integrity. Slowly and safely, but surely, I was guided.

By thoroughly working Step One of the Twelve Steps, “one day at a time,” honesty became my very first spiritual principle, followed by the Second Step and partially the Third Step before discharge six weeks later in late January 2007.

I was frightened beyond belief of being outside in the real world without drugs between “it” and me, but I did what I was told by friends in the fellowship of NA. My counselor asked me to write down the main goal of my recovery.

I wrote “to be able to share my heart and life with others and grow emotionally.”

My relief was palpable in my body and visible on my face; it felt nice to hear the positive remarks.

My dis-ease has a very short memory – it will find a convenient angle on reality, just the way I want it to be and not the way it actually is. In the time between my last drink or drug and now, there have been plenty of moments where using and drinking may have been an option, but I am clear – one taste of my drug of choice and Bingo!

I would be off and running.

Sometimes that sensitive little boy who lost his mother too early to comprehend comes out – fearful, unaware and lightheaded – grasping for answers that aren’t there, especially around women. No wonder I have been given three daughters whom I dearly love and connect with today.

Either my Higher Power has a great sense of humor or simply wants me to learn the lessons as swiftly as possible so I can hand this guidance on to others!

These days, I attend several meetings a week to help me stay alert to my tricky dis-ease. I sit with my sponsor regularly, share and occasionally write on the Steps, especially when inner resilience appears shaky. I have several sponsees whom I guide with the knowledge that has been handed to me. The miraculous change when spiritual principles are practiced and alive in our lives is unfathomable; I absolutely love seeing the glow of recovery on people’s faces.

Being a hard nut for the Twelve Step process, my first sponsor sent me back to the very beginning of Step One. I listened and I acted; I could hear and take guidance for the first time in years. I dug in and felt the gifts.

I thoroughly loved meetings and hearing stories I could identify with, gradually stringing together days, weeks and then months of clean time. All the necessary elements were coming together without much effort on my part – much less effort than holding up the mask of denial while using.

Summer 2016

In Recovery Magazine

Tom Carroll is a two-time Association of Surfing Professionals’ World Surfing Champion and co-star of the TV show, Storm Surfers. He is widely considered one of the best surfers ever. Tom was inducted into the Australian Surfing Hall of Fame in 1990 and into the Huntington Beach Surfing Walk of Fame in 1999. Surfer magazine ranked him #7 in their 2010 Greatest Surfers of All Time feature. In 2013, he and his brother, Nick, wrote TC: Tom Carroll, a long-awaited biography of this Australian surfing legend. www.tomcarrollpaddlesurf.com

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Unplugged

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In Recovery Magazine

Summer 2016

by Richie Supa

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y name is Richie Supa and I am an addict in recovery. I have had a long career in the music business as a songwriter and touring musician. I have been credited with gold, platinum and Grammy-winning songs performed with major bands.

For years, both before and after recovery, I made my living with my music; and, to a large degree, I lived in the spotlight.

About eight years ago, someone who knew me from “the rooms” approached me and asked if I would consider performing at a recovery festival. After thinking about it briefly and considering the offer – a private jet, a massage, good food, a trailer in which to hang out, 45 minutes on stage and then back home in the jet – I thought, Sure, why not? That event changed my perspective about recovery and my music.

At that festival, I noticed my songs had a surprisingly strong effect on the attendees, something I had only witnessed once before with a performance of the song, “Amazing,” that I co-wrote with Aerosmith. I realized my music really could make a difference.

After the festival, I began visiting detox facilities, treatment centers and sober living homes. I shared my music and my story with the audiences. I could see that my music was moving those who needed to hear my message. I realized then that I had a greater purpose. I wanted to help save lives, not just stay on my current track of chasing another hit song or Grammy. I soon became a founding member of a recovery band, and we began performing shows that benefitted recovery objectives.

At a Twelve Step meeting one night, I ran into an old friend who had heard about what I was doing. When he asked if I would come by his new treatment center and do my thing, I agreed.

After my performance for one of his groups, my friend and I sat down and spoke together about our common belief in the power of music. We wholeheartedly agreed that nothing evokes emotions and touches the heart, spirit and soul the way music does. My friend asked if I would consider becoming a partner at the treatment center. I immediately said, “Yes, this feels right.”

After another meeting, we decided to change the program’s name to Recovery Unplugged, and started what has proven to be a cutting-edge, outside-of-the-box tool in the business of saving addicts’ lives.

Today, I am Director of Creative Recovery at Recovery Unplugged Treatment Center. Our program uses music as a catalyst for recovery. You do not have to be a musician to reap the benefits. While many of our clients share our love of music, it’s been great to see the non-musicians soon recognize a side of themselves they’ve never before experienced.

Some of our clients heal through writing raps, stories and poetry.

During group sessions, many stories and emotions are shared and experienced. As a result, my inner songwriter has also come out and I have been blessed to create several powerful songs. Drawing from my personal perspectives, I have recently written songs that help addicts in need. Some of these songs are serious, some silly. As I always say in my groups, “You can talk about it, laugh about it; you just can’t be about it.”

The reactions to these songs have been nothing short of miraculous. Seeing our clients get up and dance, sit and cry, sing out loud, and express many other powerful reactions has had a spiritual effect on me. Because of this, I decided to record these new songs. Over the past five years, I have won a couple of Prism Awards for two songs that have had a great impact on the recovery music industry. So, I thought. Okay, I am going to do a full-length recovery album.

This album, entitled “Enemy,” represents the body of work I have created thus far at Recovery Unplugged. It includes eleven songs I use during my group sessions that tell the story of my life before, during and after I decided to embrace recovery. This record is proving to be a positive resource in helping addicts. I regularly receive letters and messages on my Facebook page, thanking me for my songs. Some of these addicts have told me they were just about to stick a needle in their arm when they heard my song on the radio; they stopped and didn’t shoot up. My song saved their lives. You can’t put a price tag on that.

My hope, both for Recovery Unplugged Treatment Center and for my record, is not only to touch the lives of those in need, but also to save lives – one addict at a time. For me, personally, I am blessed to continue coming to work with a guitar on my back. My philosophy is, and always will be, “I can’t keep what I have unless I give it away.”

It’s what we do.

For more about Richie Supa and Recovery Unplugged, visit www.recoveryunplugged.com.

Summer 2016

In Recovery Magazine

17

Artwork created by Tamas Cserep. Budapest, Hungary

The Semicolon

by John Romaniello

T

his started out as a #tattootuesday post. I snapped a picture of one of my tattoos and started writing about it on Instagram. But this particular piece is related, quite by accident, to a very serious issue.

But let’s begin at the beginning – with the picture.

As you can see, I have a tattoo of a semicolon on my right wrist. I’ve always been a bit in love with the semicolon.

Although certain authors would disagree, I think it’s a splendid little piece of punctuation.

While I don’t think it’s really necessary in any respect, I do notice that people who use the semi appropriately tend to be solid writers, or at least have a firmer grasp of structure than most.

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Summer 2016

In any event, being a word nerd and grammar geek, I had this semi inked on my wrist in February of 2010, right after my first commercially successful piece of writing was released. It was my way of celebrating a massive achievement and sort of patting myself on the back for feeling I’d done a good job with both the content and the writing.

It was also a nod to my general prolixity; to me, the semicolon implies “there’s always more to say.”

It’s recently been brought to my attention that in the past five years, many people have been getting semicolon tattoos, not because of their love of grammar, but rather as part of a movement called #projectsemicolon.

Project Semicolon is a movement designed to create awareness, community and support for those suffering from depression, particularly for those who have come close to, or seriously contemplated, suicide.

“A semicolon is used when an author could’ve chosen to end their sentence, but chose not to. The author is you and the sentence is your life.”

While my tattoo had taken up wrist residence years before #projectsemicolon was around, it’s a movement with which I’m happy to be associated. In truth, it is something I feel passionately about and something with which I have an unfortunate level of intimate knowledge.

For the first time, I’m going to stand up and claim a place beside others who are suffering.

Deep breath . . .

Today, I’d like to talk to you about depression. We throw the word "depression" around a lot. That's the unfortunate truth. We use it to describe a weeklong period of sadness after a breakup or a few days of feeling badly when things aren’t going our way. I don’t mean to trivialize those experiences or emotional hardships, but being sad is not the same as being depressed – that’s only the smallest part of it.

When I say I’ve suffered from debilitating depression, I mean exactly that. I’ve had long periods of time (three months or more) when getting out of bed was the only thing I could accomplish each day, and sometimes even that was a stretch.

There have been times when I have broken down and cried for seemingly no reason, or have randomly snapped and put my fist through a window before I could rein in my temper. There have been months when I hid from friends and family, pretending everything was fine and I was too “busy” to see them – all while sitting alone in the dark.

More often than I care to admit, there were times when I needed to be working on a major project; but instead, I would spend a weekend watching an entire season of some TV show I’d already seen.

That’s what depression is like for me – a general inability to perform. With it comes feelings of shame and guilt for not being able to perform, compounded by the ever-growing anxiety of deadlines.

In many ways, being truly depressed is like being immunocompromised: It weakens me emotionally and psychologically; it wears me down to my bones. Suddenly, I am overwhelmed with things that would generally not affect me or which I could normally fight off with ease. When I’m depressed, I’m infinitely more susceptible to emotions like guilt, fear, shame and regret. I’ll dwell on mistakes I made years ago and think about all of the ways I could have done things differently. I’ll feel ashamed of myself and my actions or inaction, and actively fantasize about the ways the lives of everyone around me would be better if I simply were not here.

“Small setbacks seem like incomprehensible obstacles. Tiny transgressions seem like reasons for justifiable homicide.”

Depression is about feeling trapped by overwhelming unhappiness, completely surrounded by an impenetrable fog of misery and a general acceptance of the idea that it will never go away.

Winston Churchill called depression “the black dog.” His reasoning was simple: Like a hunting dog, it would always be nipping at his heels, following him around. For some people, the black dog is omnipresent. For others like me, depression comes and goes; but even when one is not suffering, one is always aware of the black dog off in the distance waiting to close in. This is an uncomfortable thought to which one must adapt: Even when one is not depressed, one is afraid of depression.

Summer 2016

In Recovery Magazine

19

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Small setbacks seem like incomprehensible obstacles. Tiny transgressions seem like reasons for justifiable homicide.

Mustering up the energy to shower sometimes takes days.

Sleep comes unbidden or not at all. Fitness training is half-hearted at best. Food turns to ash, and anything that isn’t made of chocolate seems to be made of cardboard. Life is pretty bleak.

Coming Out the Other Side Since I’m clinically depressed and not bipolar, I don’t have cycles of depression alternating with extreme mania.

I just have periods of being depressed and periods of being a relatively normal human being. Most of the time, I’m fine, happy and productive. I’m typically brash, boisterous, happy-go-lucky, friendly and goofy. I’m annoyingly passionate about life, love, sex, food, literature and music.

Depression doesn’t really follow any schedule or come at predictable intervals. Life just starts feeling awful, and then it feels worse. Then I sort of get used to feeling awful.

Eventually, things change a bit – maybe.

“There is no clear signal that the storm has passed. Things just slowly get better. Then one day, I realize I’m doing pretty well.”

There is no massive change, no celebratory event, no clear signal that the storm has passed. Things just slowly get better. Day by day I’m able to function just a little bit better.

There’s an old saying about the month of March: It comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb. Depression is the March of my emotional calendar. Like March, it strikes suddenly and takes over absolutely everything. When it fades, it’s gradual. Then one day, I realize I’m doing pretty well; the world seems to offer reasons to keep living.

There are reasons – thousands upon thousands of reasons – to keep living. They’re all around us. We just need to wait things out long enough for the veil to lift so we can see them. Let’s talk about how to do that.

How I’ve Coped Therapy and medication are viable options for treatment, as are other less clinical approaches: meditation, exercise and certain dietary changes. All of these approaches work in their own way. While I dislike medication, I admit that antidepressants, taken in moderate doses for short periods of time, have seemed to get me through the hardest times.

Whether you find yourself besieged by depression and/or thoughts of suicide or you know someone who may be in 20

distress, I’d like to provide some other resources that have helped me.

Pick up the phone.

If you’re actually considering suicide, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline immediately at 800-273-TALK (800-273-8255).

Educate yourself.

If you’re exploring depression from an academic perspective and trying to figure out how the pieces fit together in your particular emotional landscape, I encourage you to do the research.

Be silent; be still. Just breathe.

Take a moment to look at the long view.

Perspective is important because chances are whatever fresh hell you’re experiencing is a temporary condition. You’re going to feel better eventually, or at least less awful. However powerful, your experience of depression is an exercise in exposure to the impermanence of humanity; there is simply no upside to facilitating death with suicide.

Once you’re dead, that’s it. Game over.

While I admit the idea of committing suicide might occasionally reach out to the tortured artist in me, the pragmatic side of my personality rails against the thought. What if Hemingway had killed himself prior to writing The Sun Also Rises or The Old Man and the Sea? Suicide is permanent; it robs the world of one’s future contributions.

While I cannot claim any Pulitzer Prize winning manuscripts, I believe that in my own small way, I change lives. I have several hundred emails from people who have said my work has changed their lives – lives I would not have had the chance to change had I checked out years ago. This is my reason to keep living.

Take control.

I’ve come to believe that suicide is an attempt to feel in control. Depression and anxiety partially come from feeling out of control. So take control of something, anything.

Take control of your body. Cut your hair. Get a tattoo. Sign up for a fitness challenge. You’ll be surprised how this can help. I am always inspired by my clients who tell me they were suffering from depression before starting their fitness journey.

Take control of your environment. Change something. Devote five minutes a day to imposing your will on something external. Studies suggest that something as simple as making your bed every morning can mitigate the symptoms of depression.

In Recovery Magazine

Summer 2016

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If you’ve struggled with depression or you’re struggling with it now, I’m sad. I truly am. I’m not going to tell you depression doesn’t suck because it does.

Take control of your mind. Meditate. Read. Write.

Examine. Discuss. Whatever seems interesting to you, dive into it instead of allowing the black dog of depression to siphon your energy.

I can tell you there’s more to say. I can tell you that on a long enough timeline, everything is ultimately going to be okay.

You’re not alone.

Do less.

Feeling out of control can be merely feeling overwhelmed. If you have too much to do and your ability to produce is already hampered by your emotional state, then you’re not going to get it all done. Trust me; this will increase your depression.

This means, then, I’m not alone either. After all, there are a few hundred people walking around with semicolon tattoos. Maybe you’re one of them. If nothing else, that thought helps a bit.

If you can eliminate something, do it. Do less. Say “no” to as much as you can. Push off any obligations or projects that aren’t immediately urgent. Delegate things to other people and actually allow them to help you.

John Romaniello is an internationally recognized human. While known primarily as the founder of Roman Fitness Systems and his contributions to the fitness industry, a little known fact is that he also invented the piano key necktie. Roman is also a bestselling author and angel investor, but that’s not nearly as important as the fact that he’s a diehard New York Jets fan and, as such, spends his life in a near-constant state of disappointment. He enjoys unicorns, sarcasm and writing about himself in the third person.

Romaniello’s full article may be read in its entirety at romanfitnesssystems.com/articles/depression/.

“I find it almost impossible to look back now and get into the mind of the person I was in those moments, but I do know that I did not allow myself to ask for help.”

Ask for help.

Asking for help is difficult, but it’s the most beneficial action you can take. If you’re anything like I am, you feel deep shame about needing and asking for help.

I find it almost impossible to look back and get into the mind of the person I was in those desperate moments, but I do know that I did not allow myself to ask for help.

I’ve had three actual suicide attempts: two of which I can say in retrospect were more a cry for help (ironic, as I never told anyone about them) and one that qualifies as what mental health professionals label a sincere attempt.

“A Home for Spiritual, Physical and Emotional Living.”

Suicide is often contemplated for extended periods of time, yet the decision to execute is made in a single moment. Had I just reached out, I’d have gotten through that moment and had someone to lean on for support.

Ask for help: from a loved one, a friend, a support group, a hotline or even a stranger. If you’re struggling and you need to talk, I am here for you.

If you can relate to any of this, if this hits home for you, please share my story and share your own. It just might help you. But if not, it’ll probably help someone else; and that might be just as important.

Summer 2016

• • • • • •

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602-751-4866

info@camelbackrecovery.com Phoenix, Arizona

In Recovery Magazine

21

The

Art of Recovery

A

by Barbara Nicholson-Brown

ddiction doesn’t care what your background is or who you are. As one of the leading public health crises in the United States, it has stolen the lives of many individuals, and continues to disrupt countless families and communities across our nation.

At the beginning of his road to recovery in 1991, Bill Brown began writing and publishing a newspaper entitled Recovery Together to answer his own questions about addiction and recovery and to share what he had learned with the public. In 1995, Bill married Barbara Nicholson and the two began to develop the newspaper together, now published under the name Together AZ.

Bill lost his battle with cancer in 2010, but his legacy of sobriety and helping others lives on in the Arizona recovery community; Barbara has kept their dream alive.

Now in its eleventh year, the Expo continues to be one of the largest recovery events of its kind held during National Recovery Month.

“The difficulty has always been the stigma. No one wants to readily admit there is a problem,” said Barbara.

“In my own journey, I felt so ashamed, hopeless and undeserving of a great life. Sobriety opened doors for me that I never knew I could have the opportunity to walk through. People opened their hearts to me, helped me on the path that I am on today; and that is and will continue to be the mission of the Expo.

Both Barbara and Bill had lived through harrowing experiences under the influence of their own demons, but had fortunately lived to tell the tales. As they grew in their recoveries, however, they began to more fully realize two things: the disastrous effects of the public stigma placed on addiction, and how difficult it was to find resources to aid in the recovery process. They realized that if they could help just one person discover the freedom sobriety brings to life, they could make a difference. They began to focus on offering solutions to the addiction crisis.

In 2005, in Phoenix, Arizona, they launched the Art of Recovery Expo to provide a judgment-free venue where individuals, friends and families could easily find the resources they needed to begin a full life of healing and recovery. Their mission was and continues to be the following: •

• • 22

“What I’ve seen in the last 25 years of my own recovery is that we are talking more openly about [addiction]. We are doing our part when we face a disease like this in full force and banded together, willing to help, reach out and provide avenues of solutions. We can create the change we want to see in our world – one small step at a time – together.

“Arizona has tremendous resources for recovery. The Expo is my way of gathering them all together for a day of celebration and hope.”

Barbara continued, “I believe there truly is an art to living sober, and it has proven to be a miraculous way of life for me.”

Come join hundreds of others in celebrating recovery at the 2016 Art of Recovery Expo on Saturday, September 17, 2016, in the Phoenix Convention Center, Hall G, from 9:30 AM to 4:00 PM. Admission is free.

to offer a resource to the community at large, providing comprehensive and cutting-edge information on treatment and prevention for addiction recovery and behavioral health; to help erase the stigma that most addictions carry through awareness and advocacy; and to encourage others to never give up on HOPE for a better way of life.

Barbara Nicholson-Brown, in recovery for over 25 years, is the publisher of Together AZ newspaper and co-founder of The Art of Recovery Expo, now in its 11th year. Barbara’s mission is to make a difference in people’s lives and inspire them on their recovery journey. artofrecoveryexpo.com

In Recovery Magazine

Summer 2016

E V SA

September 17 2016

the

E T DA

KEYNOTE SPEAKER:

Greg Williams, health policy advocate & award winning documentary filmmaker of • • • •

Over 100 Exhibitors Workshops & Interactive events Meet the leaders in the field of addiction treatment & prevention Health, Wellness & Recovery for the whole family

A day of hope, inspiration and celebration of recovery! artofrecoveryexpo.com FREE ADMISSION!

PHX CONVENTION CENTER 9:30 - 4 PM Hall G, South Building Premier Sponsor

THE ART of RECOVERY EXPO 602.684.1136 e: aztogether@yahoo.com

Alphabet Soup

by Jan Pompei

C

BT, ACT, EMDR, CAT, PhD, LCDC, PRC, PHP, IOP taught by an LPC . . . arggghhhhh! I have swum in the veritable alphabet soup of therapies for over 30 years. All have their benefits, all have their value.

I am not denigrating any of them. In the basic text of Alcoholics Anonymous. It clearly states that there are times when we need the intervention of professionals.

“God has abundantly supplied this world with fine doctors, psychologists, and practitioners of various kinds. Do not hesitate to take your health problems to such persons. Most of them give freely of themselves, that their fellows may enjoy sound minds and bodies. Try to remember that though God has wrought miracles among us, we should never belittle a good doctor or psychiatrist. Their services are often indispensable in treating a newcomer and in following his case afterward.” – The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous (p. 133)

I had traveled through every conceivable form of addiction treatment: therapeutic communities, dual diagnosis centers, private psychiatric hospitals, methadone maintenance, holistic healing centers, 28-day treatment centers, drum circles 24

In Recovery Magazine

Summer 2016

and ultimately the good ol’ correctional institutions and their highly imaginative forms of substance abuse therapy.

I adapted and acclimated to each, doing well in treatment; I was an institution queen. I am grateful for the information and care I received from them all.

Without exception, I would walk out the door with head held high, a little wished-upon touchstone from my fellow travelers in my hand and pithy slogans at the ready. Bring it on. Drugs and drinking be damned. Hoorah!

Within days, or sometimes hours, I would get itchy again.

At first the thoughts would come slowly – the questions, the “what ifs.” Then life would rush in and I would be overwhelmed by my inability to muster the slogan of the day.

I was rarely more than two weeks out of Dodge before I was back in the saddle. I could not have told you why I relapsed.

Overcome by guilt, remorse, shame and the fear that I was “constitutionally incapable” of getting clean, I would hit the needle again, vying for the title of World’s Largest Pincushion. My life would spiral out of control and my family would once again be devastated. They would lament, “But she did so well in treatment.”

It wasn’t the treatment providers’ fault; there was no breach in the help they had provided. Aftercare was supposed to

accountability along with the independence, freedom and responsibilities of being on my own became the perfect mixture for me.

Service, accountability, discipline and courage soon became the words of my daily lexicon, both in discussion and in action. When I couldn’t balance my checkbook, or I stumbled, a case manager was there to help me. If I had worries about where I would work, a job search coordinator walked me through the process.

As I began to genuinely read the basic text of Alcoholics Anonymous, I learned others had trudged this same path before I did. I immersed myself. When I didn’t want to get out of bed to do life, someone was there to give me the push I needed to get up. This was not done with a wagging finger in my face, but by another woman who would remind me why I was doing recovery and how she had also done the undoable. I was in a safe, stable, clean environment where I could learn how to function in a meaningful way.

I embraced the Twelve Step way of life. That psychic change, that necessary spiritual awakening, was happening for me.

The seeds that had been planted years before by other professionals and programs finally took root and began to bear fruit. It all started to make sense. I gradually enlarged my spiritual life, building a relationship with the “God of my understanding.”

Bring it on. Drugs and drinking be damned. Hoorah! be part of my discharge plan, but I didn’t employ that part of the strategy. I would leave the comfort and camaraderie of treatment, only to find myself alone in the real world in which nothing had changed but the date. Being clean and sober in the world is not the same as being clean and sober in a treatment center. After leaving each facility, I was unable to practically apply what I had learned.

Though I was an alcoholic and addict who desperately needed recovery, I had never been willing to look into residential sober living. When I was done with treatment, I was done and wanted to go home to “do life.” I didn’t know I needed to learn the delicate dance of transition from a beautiful, loving, highly-supervised, supportive environment to the daily grind of living – a sober citizen in a new world. I would face plant. Every. Single. Time.

My path was not always straight and direct, but the dots were connecting. That sober living home, a bridge between treatment and full independence, helped me inch my way into a new freedom and long-term recovery.

Today I am an active member of a Twelve Step fellowship, and I work for the program that saved my life. I work with other women struggling with addiction; and to a small extent, also work with the criminal justice system, offering my help to some of the institutions I deeply resented for so many years.

Life is good. It’s wide and deep and dynamic. I am reminded daily that there is still so much to do, see and experience. I can do it all because I became willing to follow some simple instructions.

Addiction beat me into submission. Thirteen detoxes, six hospitalizations, 27 treatment centers and several incarcerations later, when I finally became desperate enough to try anything, and my family was no longer willing to enable me; I went into sober living. As I did unaccustomed activities, I began to learn how to be comfortable with being uncomfortable. The mix of structure, support and Summer 2016

In Recovery Magazine

Jan Pompei attended SUNY Westchester and Marymount College/Fordham University, where she pursued a degree in liberal arts. She was a featured Voices columnist at the Dallas Morning News, and has experience in business management in both the private and healthcare sectors. Jan is a residential services specialist and women’s case manager at Solutions of North Texas in Denton, Texas. jan@sontx.org

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Everyday Miracle

Up in Flames

by Gia Barbera

I

used to think there would be no getting out of the vortex of my addiction. I waited for my life to stop or for time to pass me by.

My life became a series of long pauses and hours spend staring into space, a life full of bad choices and difficult situations; my heart had gone up in flames.

I had been caught in this vortex for twelve years. My drug of choice was . . . all of them. I had been prescribed antidepressants after an abortion, and I had spiraled down from there. I had said I’d never put a needle in my arm; then a needle was in my arm.

I had been slumped in a slothful repose staring at blooddaubed walls and sitting with the devil on a cold, damp floor strewn with empty vodka bottles, rolling papers, crack pipes and powder-covered spoons. I was having the 3:00-in-the-morning, lonely withdrawals. But the biggest devil there was me.

It was impossible to believe redemption was achievable. Yet somewhere, somehow, I found myself at crossroads in the midst of chaos. As I sat crying over what had happened, where it had happened, where it had gone wrong and who had said what when, I was faced with a choice. Crawling 26

toward something seemed far better than sitting still.

I chose change. I chose life.

I no longer wanted to be the volunteer rape victim running barefoot in the middle of the night wearing her pajamas through Camden Town with a jar full of coppers to score some dope. Nor the girl with trauma etched all over her face when she tried to smile. Nor the girl focused on the hurt, degradation and humiliation of her life – telling her sad life story over and over. Nor a shouldawoulda-coulda girl who kept thinking, If only things had been different.

I now stand just north of two years clean and sober. It could not have happened without the help of a stranger who I now call my friend – a friend who sent me to a rehab center where I began to rebuild my life. There I was given the protection, tranquility and kindness to evaluate myself and the insane situations to which I had become immune and accustomed. I could not have done it without the love and support of Narcotics Anonymous.

My behavior had become extremely unconventional and inappropriate – a warm and delusional toxic cloak. I had been doing the same things over and over, knowing full well what the results would be, but doing them anyway

In Recovery Magazine

Summer 2016

A Transitional Program For Women Walking With Integrity And Grace.

Canyon Crossing Recovery absolutely insists on teaching women how to walk with Integrity and Grace. Our program is structured to promote peer accountability, living life on life’s terms, and showing women there is a life out there without drugs and alcohol. Here at Canyon Crossing we absolutely believe they are worth it!

– always perplexed by the consequences. In the haze of my addiction, I had been wholly irrational. Could I learn anything from this mess I had made of my life?

Taking responsibility for myself seemed paramount.

I knew it was time to accept who and where I was. More importantly, I had to take full personal responsibility for where I wanted to go and what kind of person I wanted to become. I had to either accept the conditions in which I was living or take full responsibility to change them. I had to become humble and say to myself, You got yourself into this, now you must learn how to get yourself out – and then, obviously, I had to get out.

Our Program Canyon Crossing Recovery Outpatient Treatment Program offers PHP, IOP, Outpatient and Aftercare through our state licensed, Joint Commission Accredited facility.

We emphasize biopsychosocial disease and recovery model with utilization of Rational Emotive Behavioral therapeutic techniques and skills.

Secondary treatment modalities include DBT, CBT delivered through an eclectic processes.

Trauma, PTSD, and Grief therapy Outdoors Adventures such as hiking, camping, and ropes course.

It was time to work on myself and find peace and love where I had known only rage, violence and hatred. It was time to choose to make the rest of my life, the best of my life.

Horsemanship program with certified life coach.

By repeatedly inviting the worst case scenario into my life, I was continually brought to my knees. Now, with help, I could rebuild my life. For the first time, I became the writer, director, producer and the main character in my own life story.

Eating Disorder Therapeutic Support and Nutritional Education

Family Workshops and Counseling

Random Weekly Drug Screening Case Management and Medication Monitoring Transitional living in a safe and secured setting.

For twelve years, addiction had turned me into someone I was not. I had lost sight of my true self. One of the therapists at the rehab center said, “The journey of someone’s life is not so much about becoming anything; it’s about unbecoming what you were, so you can eventually be who you were meant to be in the first place.”

Addiction was not a choice for me. Once firmly in its grip, I was powerless; but I realized my recovery was my responsibility. Today I have love and compassion for myself and others. Life on life’s terms is difficult; but I’d rather go through the struggle and have a chance at life than to be slumped over a sink on my birthday with a needle hanging out of my arm and heartache in my eyes.

Today, I have a life beyond my wildest dreams. For the first time, I am happy and surrounded by wonderful people.

While I remain responsive to the world around me, I also have a plan of action; and I stick to that plan. The people in my life help me make it work.

What I acquire no longer determines my happiness – who I have become does. I know when I am able to give, I become more. I am a work in progress. I have a vision of who I want to be, and I don’t plan on giving it up. § Summer 2016

CALL US TODAY!

1.800.651.7254

www.CanyonCrossingRecovery.com

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27

The Bookstand Recovery is the subject of countless books, blogs, films, CDs and apps. Below are some titles worth a look. If you would like us to include your books, blogs, films, CDs or apps in this column, please contact me. – Editor (editor@inrecoverymagazine.com)

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Adding Fire to the Fuel: Challenging Shame and the Stigma of Alcoholism (Scott Stevens, Booktango, 2015).

The stigmas of alcohol use disorders, treatment and recovery keeps the discussion of what alcohol does to you behind the wishful chatter about what it does for you. This book examines how families and communities feed public and self-stigma, even when it holds them back; how stigma is a barrier to many wanting help; how to stay sober in a pro-alcohol world; and how panonymous alcoholics reduce stigma as no others can. www.alcohologist.com

Breaking Through Betrayal (Holli Kenley, Loving Healing Press, 2nd edition 2016). The author addresses the pain of relapse as a form of self-betrayal. In new chapters, readers will connect with the multiple meanings of self-betrayal as they uncover its debilitating emotions and self-deprecating life messages, and remove the masks of denial, disguise and detachment. As readers work to recognize and restore areas of vulnerability and release the restraints of relapse, they find themselves in a place of renewal and rediscovery. www.HolliKenley.com

Addictions: What All Parents Need to Know to Survive the Drug Epidemic (Kevin Coughlin, KTC Phase II Christian Coaching, 2016). This handbook is a must-have for families and friends of substance abusers. It provides helpful information for treatment programs, recovery healthcare professionals, probation officers, ministries, sober companions and sponsors. It encourages a new awareness and a deeper understanding of the disease of addiction, the solution to the problem and the program of action that promotes change in the substance abuser. www.revkevsrecoveryworld.com

How I Became My Father . . . a Drunk (William G. Borchert, Story Merchant, 2015) This inspiring and courageous memoir probes the intimate details of a family devastated by the disease of alcoholism. Every glitter of hope is seemingly lost as despair leads to devastation. Then, when all seems lost, the miracle of recovery restores torn relationships and emotional health.

Hope and love do spring eternal, and addicts and their families can find a wonderful new life in sobriety. Borchert also wrote the screenplay of My Name Is Bill W., the most-watched television movie ever made. williamborchert.com

Monkeytraps: Why Everybody Tries t Control Everything and How We Can Stop (Steve Hauptman, Lioncrest Publishing, 2015). This fun book is about a problem often disguised as a solution, an idea that shapes and drives us all: Control. It helps us understand how the urge to control becomes an addiction, wrecking lives and relationships; and how it leads to anxiety, depression, substance abuse, broken marriages and dysfunctional parenting. A must-read for anyone seeking healthier relationships and peace of mind. monkeytraps.wordpress.com

Recovery Cartoons and Conference Approved (Ben “BenBen the Fisherman” Canha, self published, 2003). These two books are collections of hundreds of the author’s single-framed, one-liner, recovery-related cartoons. They are arranged according to each of the Twelve Steps (13, actually) and Twelve Traditions adapted from Alcoholics Anonymous. It feels good to laugh today! www.recoverycartoons.com

In Recovery Magazine

Summer 2016

Grateful Not Smug (Mike L., self-published on Amazon, 3rd printing 2013). This little book is a collection of beautiful and uplifting daily recovery meditations for those working a Twelve Step program. The author’s exceptional thoughts to live by are inspired by Alcoholics Anonymous and by many individuals, some with over 40 years of recovery. It is a delightful enhancement for your personal recovery growth and journey through the Twelve Steps.

Addicted to Dimes: Confessions of a Liar and a Cheat (Catherine Townsend-Lyon, Kodel Group, 2012). How does a good girl go bad? Learn of this remarkable woman’s brave story.

Based on a true story and told without polish or prose in the author’s own words, this is a haunting tale of gambling addiction, dark family secrets, abuse, sexual misconduct, destruction, crime and . . . recovery! One book, one page, one day at a time. catherinelyonaddictedtodimes.wordpress.com

Enemy (Richie Supa, 2016). This full-length album contains the original recovery works written and produced by Richie Supa, including two Prism Award winning tracks.

Enemy will take you on a journey of emotions from an addict’s perspective – from dark to light. Richie is a master wordsmith and has expertly crafted an album filled with the words and sounds of loss and redemption, suffering and healing, addiction and recovery. www.recoveryunplugged.com

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Summer 2016

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29

Love Sick Love Sick Love Sick Love Sick Lo Love Sick Love Sick L Love Sick: Love Sick: Love Sick ove Sick: Love Sick: L Love Sick: Love Sick Love Sick: Love Sick Love Sick: Love Sick Love Sick: Love Sick Love Sick: Love Sick Book Review

O

by Lena H.

n the first page of this bare-all memoir, we pull with the author into the parking lot of the sleazy Rainbow Motel in Atlanta, Georgia. Silverman has invited us along on her date, because she wants us to witness and to understand why she must be here every Thursday at noon and must have sex with Rick, an “emotionally dangerous” man.

Silverman spends her days waiting, longing and preparing her body and mind for this weekly rendezvous, as she has for dates with dangerous men for decades. Inhabiting her own safe life with Andrew, her faithful university professor husband, is not enough. She’s bored; they sleep apart. She craves the risk of sex with strangers.

Silverman promised her therapist she would never meet Rick again – but she has squeezed in this one last date on the day before she enters rehab. At the Rainbow, as if peeking through the keyhole, we get a close look, but we don’t spend long. She hears “the second hand of his watch ticking beside [her] ear,” because “all Rick wants is to get the job done. Quickly.” The author does not mind; she’s not in this for pleasure, but for love. Though her therapist has told her she’s confusing sex with love, she needs the intensity, 30

the danger. Her father molested her for years when she was young, and she’s learned that the only way to find the only kind of love she knows is through illicit sex.

Silverman’s husband, Andrew, thinks she’s going into rehab to work out childhood issues which caused her anorexia; he has no knowledge of the other men. But there has been a steady stream of outside sexual encounters, and as the author recounts her rehab experience, one painful day per chapter, we learn about them. She has brought along a lavender box which she opens when she needs a fix. In it are photos, jewelry and pressed flowers; “a thread from a red beret” of one man; “furious words” of another, a writer; and most precious, a frayed maroon scarf.

Seeing and touching these mementos feeds her addict mind, bringing back the men. She has been having sex with strangers for more than 20 years. Her mementoes lead her to tell the stories.

Also in her souvenir box is a picture of the author’s young self in a black leather jacket. She says, “The photograph is of me and of my addict, competing for space in one body.” To the world she looks normal, but she is fractured; her addict is secretly with her everywhere. She has two wardrobes:

In Recovery Magazine

Summer 2016

Love Sick Love Sick Love Sick Love Sick Love Sick Love Sick : Love Sick: Love Sick Love Sick: Love Sick Love Sick Love Sick k Love Sick Love Sick k Love Sick Love Sick Love Sick Love Sick k Love Sick Love Sick One Woman’s Journey Through Sexual Addiction

skimpy, lacy red and black for her addict; blazers and oxford shirts for her persona in past professional jobs. At rehab, she wears khaki shorts, an old t-shirt and untied red tennies.

women patients’ attempts at friendship. She relapses – into addictive thinking, but also by flirting with and arranging to date an attractive hospital worker who wears turquoise and has a feather in his long black braid.

Silverman’s addictions overlap and merge, her eating disorder accompanying the sex addiction. In her closet hang “size four dresses to clothe [her] anorexic body,” and “size eight for when [she’s] eating.” She stops eating when her sex-addict self is acting out, because she wants to shrink to nothing and disappear. “No body, no trouble,” she says.

“If no man is able to see my body, then I won’t have to keep having sex.” In less anxious times, she eats more.

But over the days, through Twelve-Step work, art therapy, spirituality groups, growing friendships on the ward and with the guidance of her long-time therapist, the author begins to know her true self. By Day 26, she realizes, “Without my addict, I won’t be alone…. It is with my addict that I am alone.” As a new friend cheers her on, she throws the maroon scarf in the dumpster, and on Day 28, fragile but hopeful, she goes home.

When the door of the drab rehab hospital has closed behind her, Silverman feels trapped and unwilling, yet she goes through the required motions: eating “everything,” being weighed regularly, participating in group sessions and writing answers to probing questions in an addiction workbook. Her workbook writings skillfully invade chapters of her memoir, divulging truths of her past and present.

It’s easy to understand why Love Sick has been made into a Lifetime movie. Silverman so clearly and compellingly presents all the salient elements: characters, plot, setting, motivation. The book is a stunning look at the inside workings of addiction, and the more people who see it, through whatever medium, the better.

In rehab, Silverman struggles for quite awhile with being open. She lies, hides her true feelings, and spurns other Summer 2016

Love Sick: One Woman’s Journey Through Sexual Addiction

By Sue William Silverman W.W. Norton & Company

In Recovery Magazine

31

The Author’s Café: Arnie Wexler

by Catherine Townsend-Lyon

“Steve Jacobson is what’s known in baseball and journalism as a seasoned pro, a man of credibility, conscience, and caring. Arnie Wexler? There’s a reason why for the last 35 years, he has been the news media’s go-to guy on issues of addicted gambling: He has saved at least as many souls, including his own, as Mother Teresa.”

Phil Mushnick, Sports Columnist, New York Post

A

while back, when the Powerball lottery drawing was for an ungodly amount of money and went a couple of rounds without a winner, I was chatting with dear friend and fellow author, Arnie Wexler. I call him “The Grandfather of Gambling Addiction Recovery,” as his last bet in the mad world of sports betting and other arenas was in the 70s. He’s never looked back. Instead, he has helped scores of people return from the abyss of gambling addiction. He co-wrote All Bets are Off: Losers, Liars, and Recovery from Gambling Addiction with veteran sports journalist, Steve Jacobson, in which he shares how his gambling addiction drove him and his wife, Sheila, to the edge of life.

An advocate of gambling addiction recovery like me, Arnie has shared his expert advice on various media outlets and as a speaker for Fortune 500 corporations.

He has appeared on numerous radio and television programs, including Nightline, the Today Show, Good Morning America, Inside Edition, 48 Hours, Crossfire and Oprah. He is the past executive director of the Council on Compulsive Gambling of New Jersey and is a certified compulsive gambling counselor and recovery coach. He and his wife set up the hotline 1-888-LAST-BET that continues to help addicted gamblers today. I’m happy to say he’s also a good friend and my #1 recovery supporter.

Now, back to our chat about the Powerball lottery. Arnie was telling me that many in his Gamblers Anonymous group (GA) either bought tickets for a chance to win or had others buy them tickets. I was also encountering this on my online GA meetings and gambling recovery chat rooms.

We both agreed that either way the tickets were purchased, it was still gambling.

32

GA defines gambling for the compulsive gambler as “Any betting or wagering, for self or others, whether or not for money, no matter how slight or insignificant, where the outcome is uncertain or depends upon chance or ‘skill’ constitutes gambling.” According to this definition, all forms of risk or chance such as raffle tickets, scratch tickets and flipping a coin are considered gambling; though many people don’t like to include lottery tickets in the list.

Addiction is addiction no matter what your gambling preference. Arnie and I were brokenhearted as we heard about all the people in long-term recovery who had bought tickets. Even this seemly innocent purchase could be dangerous for gamblers; gambling addiction has one of the highest suicide rates among addictions.

What is your take on this? Do you think buying a lottery ticket constitutes gambling? How about those who had someone else buy tickets for them? Is that gambling? Should they lose their recovery time over a Powerball lottery drawing?

I know GA is not the only way to recover; many of us decided to have professional treatment including rehab, recovery coaching and even one-on-one therapy aimed at helping addicted gamblers. After doing some online research, however, I discovered that most recovery sites advocate GA’s guidelines for persons in recovery from gambling.

It’s a hot discussion all over social media – but the way Arnie and I see it, if a recovering gambler or someone else bought tickets for them, they gambled. Gambling is gambling. aswexler.com

In Recovery Magazine

Summer 2016

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Summer 2016

In Recovery Magazine

33

Recovery Tech:

Money Management

By Ashley Loeb-Blassingame

P

icture this. I’m 18 years old. After a couple years of treatment, I’m finally just out of an Arizona sober living home. My parents instruct me to set up a bank account so they can help me financially. So I walk into Bank One (now Chase), open up an account and deposit a check from my parents. I have a debit card and I’m ready for sober life. Right?

Wrong.

Unfortunately, managing money was not a skill I picked up in rehab. In fact, I barely knew how personal bank accounts worked. I thought you were allowed to write checks without money in your bank account as long as you paid it back.

I thought kiting a check was getting a loan. In my defense, while most people were learning life skills, I was focused on remaining as long as possible in a chemically-induced blackout.

What did I do with the money? I spent it, of course!

I bought clothes, dinners and jewelry. I even bought a pet boa constrictor. Sure, I didn’t buy booze or drugs, but I certainly had to go back to my parents and ask for money for food, rent and bills.

At that time, there was no good way for my parents to provide me with money without conceding complete control. Today, using the Next Step Card*, parents are able to help support their loved ones financially, while still instituting restrictions on how the money can be spent.

between gift cards that can be traded easily for cash and a debit/credit card that doesn’t offer as many tools and restrictions.

As with anything new, there are dissenters. Some say that the card encourages families to financially enable their loved ones, while others claim that it “infantilizes” addicts and alcoholics by removing their responsibility of being self-supporting. In my opinion, one size does not fit all. No matter what advances are made in the recovery technology field, there will always be people for whom the advancement will not work or for whom it could exacerbate their problems.

In my mind, there’s no question that some recovering people may need to fail so they can learn from the experience, but not everyone falls into that category. For many, the Next Step Card is a great solution to a real problem. Personally, I think the best part of this card is that it forces healthy communication around money management.

Those of us who have been in the rooms of a Twelve Step program for many years know that “romances and finances” are two of the most common causes of relapse, particularly in early recovery. What if learning how to talk about and implement healthy money management habits were part of early sobriety training? I know it would have helped me tremendously. www.nextstepcard.com. * I am not affiliated with the Next Step Network

The Next Step Card is advertised as a reloadable, prepaid card program designed to help people create positive spending behaviors. The program eliminates access to cash, blocks or unblocks specific merchant categories and enforces custom spending limits. It also supplies text and email alerts, all while supporting transparency and healthy communications around money management. The Next Step Card is the intersection 34

In Recovery Magazine

Ashley Loeb-Blassingame grew up in Silicon Valley during the dot-com boom. She is a cofounder of a tech startup called Lionrock Recovery, a Joint Commission accredited online substance abuse treatment center. In recovery herself, Loeb is passionate about sharing her experience, strength and hope with others. She lives in Southern California with her husband and two large dogs, and enjoys what she describes as “a life beyond her wildest dreams.” www.lionrockrecovery.com

Summer 2016

Nadi Shodhana Breathe, Center, Balance

by Laura O’Reilly Addicts tend to go to extremes. Here’s a five-minute exercise to bring balance into your daily life while calming the mind and body, and cultivating greater balance and serenity. Try it first thing in the morning. Find a comfortable seat – you can sit cross-legged on the floor and use a pillow to lift your hips, or sit in a chair with your feet firmly planted on the floor.

Exhaling, ground down through your sits bones (two bony protrusions on the very underside of your buttocks). Tilt your pelvis slightly forward and bring your spine upright and tall. Inhaling, lift and broaden your chest. Stack your head over your chest, your chest over your belly and let your belly be soft.

Place one hand on your belly and one over your heart center. As you breathe, follow your breath from the nostrils to your belly, all the way up into your chest. Follow it in the reverse order as you exhale: chest, belly, nostrils. Take 10 to12 slow, smooth breaths. Notice what you feel and where you feel it.

Then, place your right thumb softly on the right nostril where it meets your nose to close off the air flow. Inhale through your left nostril. At the top of your breath, place your ring finger on your left nostril, closing the airway. Lift your thumb and exhale through your right nostril.

Inhale through your right nostril; then once again, lift and release your finger. Place your thumb down on your right nostril and exhale through your left nostril. This is one complete round. Aim for 5 to10 rounds. As you become more comfortable with the practice, you may lengthen it accordingly.

Feel your body releasing stress and fatigue as your breathing balances the left and right hemispheres of your brain, bringing you into the present moment. This breathing technique improves your circulation while calming and centering your mind.

Laura O’Reilly is a Jamasian (Jamaican-Chinese) yogi and the founder of Potentialize Me Yoga, specializing in yoga for recovering addicts.

After becoming sober, she left the corporate world to follow her heart; finding her passion in teaching yoga. Yoga is wonderful tool for her own healing, growth and personal development, a fact that drives her desire to make it accessible for everyone. Her daily practices are rooted in spirituality, a desire to serve and the belief that everything happens for a reason. potentializemeyoga.com

Summer 2016

In Recovery Magazine

35

A Jersey Girl Goes Wild

by Kristin Flyer

have always had trouble living in the middle emotionally. I had lived every aspect of my life at one extreme or another. While life has improved since I became sober, I still long for a bit of drama and savor some of the memories of my chaotic past.

I

Before sobriety, I was a modern Jersey Girl residing in Atlanta, Georgia. I lived for fashion and the latest trends.

I always had extensions in my hair and made it a point to stand out. In between carpool duty, my days consisted of shopping, lunching, playing tennis, socializing with my girlfriends, drinking and drugging.

I dreamed of a different life. I wanted to run away from responsibilities and to escape to a place where nobody knew I existed. I never connected with people and never wanted to. I had tons of friends, but could not have cared less if I ever saw them again. I knew this was strange since the whole purpose of our existence is to connect with people and form communities. After all, it takes a village; or so they say. Why didn’t I want to live in a village? It wasn’t like I was the Unabomber.

After a few months of sobriety, I was not feeling special anymore. Life in The Rooms was getting boring. My sober friends were getting on with their lives, and I was no longer being treated as if I were fragile. I was expected to share in the duties of life – making dinner, carpooling, taking kids to activities – along with the normal trials and tribulations of marriage.

So, I decided to embark on an extreme outdoor adventure.

Yes, I had never once in my entire life camped, hiked or canoed; but suddenly I decided to participate in an adult renewal program through Outward Bound and canoe the 36

Boundary Waters Canoe Area Wilderness of Minnesota with five complete strangers. I always liked to be extreme!

Unafraid, I went into the unknown.

This adventure was by far the best experience of my life.

I had felt lost, not just emotionally and in my life, but literally lost. I never paid attention to anything; I never listened or questioned anything; I wandered around relying on information from others. I knew I needed to find gratitude and to feel that I mattered; but more importantly, I needed to find myself.

The first morning, I awoke thinking, WTF am I doing?

I had spent the night on the ground under a tarp with a complete stranger, and I was freezing. We headed out to the lake carrying 65 pounds on our backs – I am only 90 pounds – and proceeded to paddle and portage our heavy canoes over miles of extremely rough terrain.

We would paddle for hours, connecting with each other in ways I can’t even explain. Every few hours, we would huddle our canoes to eat and talk. We’d laugh and share stories as we learned about each others’ life journeys and why we had decided to go on this expedition.

The days were long and very hard on our bodies. After finding an available campsite, we would all be assigned a task.

One night I was the chef (I cannot cook), another night the wood collector and then the navigator (I can’t get anywhere without relying on my iPhone). On other evenings, I was in charge of cleanup or was responsible for tying all the knots on the tents. The chores never ended, but I’d find myself humming, “It’s a hard knock life for us. It’s a hard knock life for us.”

After we ate together around the campfire, we’d reflect on

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Summer 2016

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our day and discuss challenges; not just the challenges of the day, but those we have in our real lives. It was amazing not to have any communication with the outside world.

I had no mirror or makeup, yet I didn’t feel ashamed. We’d look at the millions of stars and feel sad that our trip had to end. The thought of keeping up with life – returning to our responsibilities and hardships – seemed depressing, but was inevitable.

Have You Seen This Man?

We all promised to keep in touch; but as always, life got in the way. Despite that, I learned a most valuable lesson: I mattered. Every day I was needed. Other people relied on me to help get us safely to our destination. I connected deeply with these complete strangers and was able to share my experience, strength and hope.

Months have passed since my expedition; and naturally, I’ve had my ups and downs. I continue to hike or kayak whenever the weather and my schedule allow. I hike paths that have rough terrain and are close to the water, because the pain in my feet and the flowing water keep me in the moment and remind me that life is hard; but I can do it.

While I may not hike the Pacific Crest Trail like Cheryl Strayed in her book, Wild, I am going to start small and hike every state park in the Atlanta area. After that, I’ll branch out to trails in my county, then to trails in the state.

Today, realistic goals help me stay sober and hopeful.

I encourage every alcoholic to identify a realistic personal goal and stick with it. Get out of your comfort zone and try something new. You will feel accomplished and rewarded beyond your wildest dreams.

This is Will Hepburn, a nationally known investment expert who lives and works in Prescott, AZ. If you want a proactive investment manager who is known for dodging significant market declines, see this man. See Will’s website for his free newsletter. Grateful since April 19, 1983.

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Summer 2016

In Recovery Magazine

37

My Game Stalled

by Gordie Bufton

I

t was over 100 degrees and sticky as I stepped on the first tee in St. Simons, Georgia. At the age of 13, I was three strokes off the lead with 18 holes to play in the Atlanta Junior Golf Association Grand Championship.

During that season, I had been second in points. I had been hoping to beat the leader for the first time that season and steal first place from him.

I played a great round, but it wasn’t enough. I finished second in the tournament and in the overall player standings. At 13, I was the second best golfer for my age in the state.

Years of practice and dedication had allowed me to win or place near the top of every tournament I’d ever entered.

Golf was my life. I spent every daylight hour when I wasn’t in school practicing at the golf course. I was tiny for my age and played with friends much older and stronger than I. This didn’t hold me back, as my short game gave me an advantage.

As I grew older, the competition became much stronger and my game stalled. Instead of practicing, I became more interested in talking with friends at the course and in the pro shop. I was banking on past results to keep me relevant.

If only I’d had the awareness to focus on what was important to get into college and eventually turn professional.

My high school career was dismal at best. I had so much talent coming out of middle school, but lost my focus and edge in my golf game. Friends and social commitments became more important than trophies. I also started experimenting with alcohol and marijuana. I would occasionally use on weekends, but still cared enough about golf and school to keep it at bay during the week.

During my junior year, our golf team won the state 38

championship. After I four-putted the final green, we had a one-shot victory. It was the only time all season that the team used my score to win. I will forever be proud of this win, but I knew I hadn’t given it my all.

After winning State, my parents moved our family to Florida. Since it was my senior year, the timing couldn’t have been worse.

The only good thing about the move was that golf season began in the fall instead of spring. As I once again started taking golf seriously, my game improved. I had one year to impress college coaches and gain that scholarship.

After many trips back to Georgia to visit my girlfriend, I convinced my parents to let me move back to defend our state championship. Family friends opened their home to me. A few days prior to my arrival, my girlfriend ended our relationship. I was heartbroken. She had been one of the major reasons I’d moved back to Georgia. I’d never before felt the emotions of loss and heartache.

In Georgia, I started hanging out with a new group of friends who smoked pot. I began to join them after golf practice. Being stoned allowed me to escape my feelings of loss after the breakup. It also allowed me to feel different for the first time in my life, and yet fit in with kids my age.

After a few months of smoking everyday and even showing up to tournaments buzzed, my sponsor family found my pot. They kicked me out of their house and sent me back to Florida. Goodbye to my chance to defend our state championship.

I was now addicted and smoking pot every day; using made my life in Florida bearable. Despite this, I managed to obtain a golf scholarship to a Division II school in

In Recovery Magazine

Summer 2016

Colorado. As I was too consumed with getting stoned, even the scholarship didn’t inspire me to practice. Toward the end of the summer, the coach called and told me I would need a physical the week of my arrival. I freaked out. There was no way I could pass a drug test, so I quit smoking that night.

I am extremely grateful for everything my addiction has taught me about life, but will forever wonder what could have happened had I stayed away from drugs and continued my passion for playing professional golf.

After not smoking pot for a week, I moved to Colorado.

During the physical, my blood pressure was through the roof. I finally calmed down when someone told me they weren’t testing for drugs; the urine test was testing for proper hydration. My blood pressure miraculously went down to normal levels.

My game was in shambles, but I was practicing for the first time in months. Tryouts were only a few days away. Since I had received a scholarship, I had assumed I had a guaranteed spot on the team. This was not the case.

One of the first people I met at the golf course was Daniel, an incoming freshman who had a story similar to mine. He had golf talent, but was more interested in hanging out and smoking pot. We became best friends.

Without anyone looking over my shoulder, I began smoking pot whenever I wanted. I would smoke before and between classes. As soon as golf practice was over, I’d be stoned until my eyes closed at night. My life quickly turned into a smoke session with a few golf shots in between.

I barely made the team and, not surprisingly, wasn’t taken to any of the tournaments.

Gordie Bufton is a catalyst for transformation, an international speaker and an author. His memoir, Eluding Reality: A Memoir about Drugs, Psych Wards and Recovery, details the horrific challenges which brought about metamorphosis in his life. He is a sober coach, avidly meditates and is in training for an Ironman. GordieBufton.com

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One Friday night, Daniel was over at my apartment, smoking like we did every night. He asked me if I’d ever tried ecstasy. I never had; and because I wasn’t getting the same effect from pot, I naively agreed to try it.

Two months later, my life had completely fallen apart.

Every dollar I had saved was gone. I hadn’t been to class since golf season ended. I was skin and bones, and was only concerned with my next roll of ecstasy or marijuana joint.

I had become a full-blown addict.

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We offer comprehensive recovery services from the time clients stop using until they reintegrate back into society.

One night while under the influence of ecstasy, Daniel and I had a huge fight. He called my parents; my mother was on the next flight to Colorado. It saved my life.

Unfortunately, I continued my addiction for the next two years before spending my 20th birthday in jail. The following week, I survived a near-death beating with a brick to my head and a broken wrist. These two experiences forced me into sobriety.

Our services include: • Men’s residential treatment • Sober living • Outpatient addiction treatment (IOP) • Transitional Living • Nutrition management • Gym onsite • Freedom to practice your faith • Regular group and outdoor activities

Because of the brain damage my drug usage had caused, I was in and out of psych wards. I was institutionalized under the Baker Act, deemed a danger to myself and others.

Since April 22, 2010, I have been clean and sober, and now share my story at schools and with other audiences throughout the world. I have become a sober coach, helping others overcome their demons.

Summer 2016

For more information: (928) 515-0044 • Admissions: (928) 515-0066 www.lifetransformationrecovery.com

In Recovery Magazine

39

eating disorders and athletes: common misconceptions

By Amy Gooding, PsyD

y

ou might be tempted to think that athletes, with their lean and muscular bodies, are immune from eating disorders. You’d be wrong.

According to the “Athletes and Eating Disorders: The National Collegiate Athletic Association Study,” published in the International Journal of Eating Disorders, nearly 10% of female athletes were identified as having clinically significant problems with bulimia; some 3% exhibited a clinically significant problem with anorexia nervosa. And a whopping 11% of female athletes and 13% of their male counterparts reported binge eating on a weekly basis.

There are a number of common myths that can perpetuate eating disorders among athletes and also make it difficult to spot early warning signs in this population. It is important to combat these misconceptions in order to decrease risk factors, help prevent the development of eating disorders among athletes and intervene with effective treatment when necessary.

One of the most widespread misconceptions is that athletes are less likely to develop eating disorders than nonathletes. While participating in sports can boost one’s selfesteem and body image, athletes are actually at higher risk than non-athletes for developing eating disorders. This is because athletes face the same risk factors as non-athletes, plus some additional risk factors specific to the sports environment.

Risk factors associated with sports include performance anxiety, fear of failure, an imbalance between energy input and energy output resulting in weight loss, and social pressures regarding athletic ability and performance.

Some sports in particular, such as wrestling, gymnastics, swimming and long-distance running can carry an increased risk for disordered eating due to weight restrictions, 40

a focus on maintaining a specific body size, or emphasis on the way the body looks while performing.

While factors associated with the sport may increase risk, it is important to remember that the sport itself is not the reason an athlete may develop an eating disorder. The etiology of eating disorders is complex, and experts agree that they are caused by a combination of psychological, behavioral, biological and social factors. For example, genetics can impact how likely it is that someone may develop an eating disorder. It is possible that individuals who are predisposed to develop eating disorders may be drawn to specific sports or may take messaging about fitness and weight loss to an extreme due to innate traits such as perfectionism, rigidity and obsessionality. Any athlete in any sport can develop an eating disorder.

Another myth that can fuel disordered eating among athletes is that weight loss automatically leads to improved performance. This is not true. Even short-term weight loss can hurt performance because it will often result in a decrease in water weight, leaving the athlete dehydrated.

Dehydration can impair the body’s ability to transport oxygen and regulate body temperature, which subsequently can cause an athlete to overheat, be out of breath and experience premature muscle fatigue. In sports organized by weight categories, athletes who restrict carbohydrates to “make weight” can experience a decline in strength, speed and stamina. Not consuming enough calories overall can cause decreases in strength, endurance, speed, coordination, confidence and motivation, which in turn may impact an athlete’s ability to achieve their personal performance goals.

Messages about the amount and intensity of exercise we should strive for are abundant in the media. Unfortunately,

In Recovery Magazine

Summer 2016

many of these recommendations are not based on research nor do they take into account the overall needs of a person’s body. It is well known that regular exercise is good for one’s health when medically cleared to do so, but exercise can become unhealthy when taken to extremes. Excessive exercise can be a symptom of an eating disorder. Signs that someone may be engaging in excessive or unhealthy exercise include an inflexible exercise schedule, rigid routines despite injury or weather conditions, or taking part in exercise solely for weight loss instead of for fun.

When exercise becomes compulsive, individuals may neglect important obligations in order to fit in workouts, calculate how much to exercise based on caloric intake, suffer overuse injuries or stress fractures, and experience exercise withdrawal. Signs of exercise withdrawal can include changes in mood as well as sleep and appetite disturbances. Excessive exercise can lead to menstrual irregularity in women, decreased testosterone in men, decreased immunity and frequent colds.

When it comes to exercise, many people think “more is better,” that “you can never have too much of a good thing,” and that there is never a need to take a day off. In reality, taking a day off is essential and allows the body to heal and rebuild after cardio and weight training. Inability or unwillingness to take days off from exercise are important red flags indicating that someone may have an unhealthy relationship with exercise. Increased anxiety or being upset

by skipping a workout may also be a sign that one’s exercise routine has become obsessive.

When thinking about wellness in terms of food and exercise, one important word comes to mind: balance.

Balance is key to a healthy lifestyle, even for athletes. It is important to have a well-rounded life; exercise and food should not consume one’s thoughts or behaviors. Food is fuel for our bodies and exercise is meant to help us care for our bodies so we can live long, healthy and happy lives.

If you are worried that your life is not in balance, whether in the areas of sports, food, exercise, substances, depression, anxiety or life stressors, it is important to consult a mental health professional who can help you make changes in order to achieve balance.

The misconceptions and myths about athletes and eating disorders are prevalent and can inhibit recognition of warning signs and early intervention. If you think you or a loved one may have a disordered relationship with exercise or food, consult a professional.

Amy Gooding, PsyD, is a clinical psychologist at The Center for Eating Disorders at Sheppard Pratt in Towson, Maryland.

She specializes in working with athletes. Dr. Gooding provides consultation and education to providers and organizations about specific issues related to prevention, assessment and treatment of athletes and eating disorders.

For more information or for help, please call 410-938-5252. www.eatingdisorder.org

Restoring Men’s Lives Since 1988 Our commitment is providing a nurturing and therapeutic environment to our clients compounded with clinical care and services that serve to build a foundation for long-term recovery. This commitment comes with a firm foundation of belief in recovery of the mind, spirit, and body.

Learn More | 1.866.425.4673 | prescotthouse.net 214 N. Arizona Ave, Prescott, AZ 86301

the top ten. My personal goal was to finish in the top three.

I was living in Vermont, away from my parents, with a coach and other high school racers. We went to school in the morning and trained ski racing in the afternoon. On Christmas Eve, I rattled down an icy practice course, blew out a ski and tumbled down a steep section of the hill. After sliding on the frozen snow forever, my limp body came to a stop. I had felt my femur break mid-tumble and heard the bone crack as loudly as a homerun ball smacking a bat. My season was over. Ten weeks in traction and six months in a cast left my body atrophied.

I skied the next year, but it took time to find the needed daring recklessness, and time to physically rehabilitate my body. During a pick-up soccer game just before the winter season a year later, I was running and when I skidded, twisted and then was shoved from behind. As I fell, my knee felt as if it had been torn halfway off. I had two fractures of my patella. After eight weeks in a cast, I was back on the snow, and had a number of positive finishes the last months of winter.

I learned to drink beer or smoke weed when I had pain. It worked.

Natural Born Athlete S

The following year, I was 17 and attending the Killington Mountain School. Having missed two full seasons due to my injuries, I was behind my peer group of racers; but my results were steady and encouraging. During a springtime fun race, I flew over a bump, landed awkwardly, skied out of the course, hit a pile of April slush snow and flopped over while twisting. My knee exploded. Two days later, I was having reconstructive surgery.

by H. Thomas Gillis

ports came naturally to me; they simply made sense to my brain. A coach could tell me how to swim a stroke, throw a ball or do a parallel ski turn, and I understood and could do it immediately.

I was competing in swim championship meets by age five, and skiing down expert runs at age seven.

I quickly learned golf, tennis and all the traditional youth team sports, and was usually the captain or the best player on the field. With that came awards, trophies and attention.

An identity of being an athlete began to take shape in me and the words of praise from adults reinforced its formation. The medals and the encouragement from coaches heightened the excitement and solidified my identity and my concept of my self-worth.

Ski racing became my sport of choice, although I played other sports in the spring, summer and fall. I was 13 the year I went back to the New England Junior Championships for the second year and was almost guaranteed to finish in 42

I was back the following year. My results were better than the previous year; I reached my target goals, but I was skiing injured, protecting the bad knee. I knew my body would never be the same again, but I figured that’s part of being an athlete – competing while in pain. To dull the ache, I smoked weed and drank more beer.

I wanted to ski race for the University of Vermont, but wasn’t accepted; so I spent the next ski season in Colorado, skiing every day and partying hard every night. I barely had any money, but I managed to have enough to spend on alcohol.

I was not in a structured program, I was not involved in competitions; and this gave my alcoholism a chance to take hold. I had been off the snow less than a month when, while driving to San Diego, I was arrested late at night by two Arizona State troopers. It should have been a huge warning flag, but wasn’t. I wrote it off as bad luck.

At 19, I already had a knee that hurt constantly. As my “athlete-in-training” identity waned, my alcoholism flourished. In the fall of 1984, now at college, I tried out to be a walk-on with the ski team. After a dozen dryland training workouts, the coach took me aside and let me know I wasn’t needed. I was cut before I ever got on snow. My alcoholism eagerly filled the void and became my first priority.

In Recovery Magazine

Summer 2016

I drank myself out of college that first semester. Over the next few months, I did all the right things to be readmitted to the University for the fall semester. I found a loving girlfriend and we moved in together. My drinking plateaued; I was in control. I continued ski racing; and life seemed to be leveling off.

In the fourth year of our love relationship, I went to Squaw Valley, California, to ski race full-time for another year. My partner transferred to Boston University. I had this notion that if we survived the year apart, it would prove we were meant to be together. We saw each other on school breaks and talked of marriage. One sunny day on North Lake Tahoe, she said, “Please give me a ring.”

We planned to meet at Colorado University-Boulder to finish our undergraduate degrees. I was living in the same

apartment building as some friends I had known for years.

One was a cocaine dealer and the others were budding alcoholics. My fiancée arrived after the Fourth of July and could see my alcoholism had spiked dramatically in her absence.

After three weeks, she made an excuse to fly home. I drove her to the airport. We held hands and talked while we waited. The boarding light blinked; we hugged and kissed each other and she walked onto the plane. I never saw her again.

Two weeks later, when she didn’t return, we talked. There were long-distance calls filled with words like “moving on” and “time to get help.” During the following weeks, my drinking continued to spiral downward; I fell into the black hole of alcoholism. It was the bottom that got me into Alcoholics Anonymous. Sometime later, I was back home in Connecticut sitting in an AA meeting in the Old North Church, beginning the first of my 90-in-90 meetings.

The loss of identity as an athlete precipitated one calamity; I lost myself in the fog of addiction. The loss of a girl I deeply loved was another calamity, but one that got me into recovery. What at first seemed the worst that could happen turned into the best that could have happened.

I am forever grateful.

H. Thomas Gillis, Jr. crash landed in AA at age 23. It was July of 1984 and his life was in chaos. Jose Cuervo and Heineken were his drinks. In that first meeting he asked God, why me? A year sober, he returned to the UVM to finish his degree. He is blessed with three daughters and AA. He is a web developer, nonfiction writer and founder of the nonprofit AlcoholicShare.org.

Join us as we carry forward the dedicated work for Robert M. Morse, Sr. Bob Morse was a force in the recovery community.

His work and self-sacrifice helped thousands in their journey to recovery from addictive disorders. In his absence, the Morse Family and Chapter 5 Board of Directors have created the Robert M Morse Endowment, a fund that will carry Bob’s work forward by providing access to needed treatment services.

The Robert M Morse Endowment will be holding its first annual Charity Golf Tournament September 9th and 10th, 2016 at the Capitol Canyon Club. All proceeds from the event will go toward scholarships, and financial assistance to help people with limited means access needed treatment for substance use and addictive disorders.

Bob’s impact was far reaching, and space in the tournament is limited. We encourage you to sign up early to guarantee your place in the event.

Beyond carrying Bob’s work forward and providing individuals in need access to treatment, this event will offer networking and marketing opportunities, along with the chance to recount stories and have fun on the course.

September 9th Networking Luncheon with Speakers Dinner and Silent Auction September 10th Charity Golf Tournament Please contact Ben Justiniano (Ben@Chapter5Recovery.com) to reserve your place, and discuss sponsorship opportunities. Space is limited and we expect to fill quickly.

Additional information will be forthcoming, along with the launch of our dedicated website www.RobertMMorse.org

BodyTalk: Snacking

by Victoria Abel

S

nacking.

Most of us are familiar with that familiar tug of hunger, usually around 3 PM and especially after dinner; that craving to have a little treat or a pick-me-up. We often reach for cookies, crackers, ice cream or chips and then feel guilty about it. Let’s drop the guilt and get some real facts about snacking.

Most people actually do need to snack. Our metabolism functions more effectively when we are putting consistent fuel into our bodies. Our body is like a steam engine which slows and stops if fuel is not regularly put into it. As your metabolism slows down, it more easily stores food as fat.

Snacking can actually be a really good thing for energy and weight management, but it depends on when we snack and what snack we choose.

As with most things in life, healthy snacking takes planning.

We typically don’t make the best decisions when we are tired and our brain is starving for energy. That’s usually when the fast energy sources – sugar and other simple carbohydrates – end up in our mouths. So plan ahead.

Make sure to put healthy snack foods on your grocery list and have some in your backpack, purse, car or office so you don’t get too hungry between meals.

Some ready-made snacks are available in individual serving sizes; for example, Trader Joe’s nut mixes. Hummus and

44

guacamole now come in single-serve cups. Look for these in your grocery’s produce aisle or at warehouse stores.

Single-portion packaging makes snacks easily portable when you’re on the run, and are sized to help us moderate our consumption.

A bedtime snack is also helpful for our energy and digestion. Some people in new recovery still have a difficult time staying asleep throughout the night. Blood sugar drops rapidly if we don’t have enough glucose, and our body wakes us up. If you do have a snack, make sure it’s a complex carbohydrate such as whole grain breads or vegetables along with some protein such as an egg, nuts or some yogurt.

If you simply must have a sugary snack in the evening, try a small bit of dark chocolate and some vanilla Greek yogurt or freeze some grapes and eat them with a handful of almonds.

You can enjoy snacking – and drop the guilt!

Healthy Snacks •

Fruit and nut butter such as cashew, almond or peanut

•

String cheese

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Summer 2016

•

Greek yogurt (You can even freeze it, let it sit on the counter for ten minutes, then enjoy good-for-you frozen yogurt.)

“Healing relationships with food.”

•

A handful of trail mix

•

Celery and nut butter

Develop and present nutritional programs and educational lectures at treatment centers.

•

Hummus and veggies

•

A banana, berry and Greek yogurt smoothie (Freeze the extra in a popsicle mold for later.)

•

Half an avocado sprinkled with some lemon juice

•

A hardboiled egg (You can buy these already boiled and peeled.)

•

A small bowl of granola with nuts and coconut or almond milk

•

Black bean chips and homemade guacamole

•

Five whole grain crackers and cheese

•

A slice of whole grain or sprouted bread with nut butter or sliced turkey

•

A cup of cottage cheese and some fruit or vegetables

Victoria Abel, MA, MNT, is the founder and owner of Center for Addiction Nutrition. She has worked in the addiction counseling field for 20 years as a family, primary and trauma therapist. She is also a nutrition and eating disorders therapist working with people healing from addiction, mood disorders, cancer and other chronic illnesses. She teaches at Prescott College in Prescott, Arizona, and lectures nationally on addiction nutrition. She may be contacted by email at vabel@cannutrition.com. www.centerforaddictionnutrition.com

Summer 2016

One on one nutritional consultation, meal planning, weight management, and assessment for disordered eating.

Nutrition and supplementation to ease detox, stabilize mood and reduce cravings.

Instruction on budgeting, shopping and cooking.

TESTIMONIAL

“Victoria helped me to manage the daily struggles of meal planning and grocery shopping - the mundane tasks we all must do. I am grateful for those things but am mostly grateful for the caring way in which she operates. I have lived in so much shame for as long as I can remember regarding anything to do with food. Victoria let me cry and was always genuinely interested in what was going on with me. We would talk about the things that seemed to have nothing to do with food but in fact were leading me to binge, purge, or starve myself.

Victoria has been an incredible light in my life - she was always so accepting of me - no matter if I had a good or bad food week.”

See the last February, 2014 issue of the New York Times and the Summer, 2014 issue of In Recovery Magazine for more informaton on CAN Nutrition and Recovery.

Victoria Abel MA, MNT, CAN

vabel@cannutrition.com www.centerforaddictionnutrition.com

In Recovery Magazine

45

Chaos and Clutter Free:

{Everyday Organizing}

Q A

I am always running late. It doesn’t matter whether it is my weekly counseling sessions or my teenager’s softball games. I arrive feeling so shameful and disappointed in myself.

I am trying, but I just make the same mistakes over and over again. How can I schedule all my responsibilities and arrive on time? Everyone else seems to do it, so why can’t I?

When we arrive late, we unintentionally tell the other party their time isn’t of value. Let’s look at the classic backtrack method of time management to plan for your daughter’s upcoming softball game. You want to be there to cheer her on just like she has cheered you on during your recovery, right?

The core backtrack principle is learning how to accurately measure time so you can calculate an accurate leave time. Do you have the softball season schedule in your planner? Have you been to the ballpark before? What is the parking situation? Once you gather all the facts you’re ready to backtrack.

Let’s say the game starts at 1:00 in an unfamiliar complex of playing fields. Your daughter needs to arrive by 12:30 to warm up. First create a contact in your phone for this sports park. Google the mileage and minutes to the park. If Google says 35 minutes, add ten more – so your “drive away time” becomes 11:45. If it takes you both about 30 minutes to get ready, backtrack to 11:15 as your “start getting ready time.” Round to 11:00, since “buffer is beautiful.”

It’s not if something derails your plans, it’s when. Something always comes up: an unexpected call, an extra bathroom break or a missed turn off the freeway. Build an adequate buffer into your scheduling. If you arrive early, you will both feel confident in your planning and parenting.

Q A

My roommates and I hate doing laundry! We get so behind and overwhelmed with the endless piles left everywhere because we can’t seem to put them away quickly enough. Our clean and dirty piles keep getting mixed up.

How can we get a laundry system that will work for all of us?

I have some good news and some bad news – everyone hates laundry, you are not alone. Everyone has to do it. I tell myself on laundry days, “Get in, get out and get on with your day, Danielle!”

First assess what is clean and what is not clean. Set a timer for 15 minutes and work diligently putting clean clothes away in drawers and in your closet. Short on hangers?

Tally up what you need to buy on your next shopping excursion and jot it in your phone or trusty organizer.

The key to mastering laundry is having separate dirty and clean clothes hampers or baskets. I prefer ones with solid canvas sides that can do double duty. The next time you return from the store, you can toss that new package of toothpaste into your clean clothes basket where it will travel a direct route to your bedroom or bath area.

For dirty clothes, consider an 18-gallon tote or large suitcase you can easily wheel into the laundromat. Grab a mega-coffee and the latest book your sponsor has told you a million times to read. Get the machines going so you can get in, get out and get on with your day. If there are items that are worn, no longer fit nor bring you joy, now is the time to pass them on. Perhaps offer them to a new friend at the laundromat, or leave them on the counter with a note marked “Take what you want, leave what you don’t.” You can now officially roll up your sleeves and call it a productive day!

46

In Recovery Magazine

Summer 2016

challenges and the solutions that can resolve themselves:

Q

by Danielle Wurth of Wurth Organizing, LLC

I have been working on my recovery for nearly a year and I’m finally starting to feel and look healthier. I want to be intentional about cooking more meals at home and not spending money on unhealthy fast food options after work. I live in a small apartment with moderate pantry space that has turned into a junk food warehouse. I am constantly running to the grocery store tired after a long day of work. How can I organize my pantry to make sense, to meal plan and shop so I don’t over buy what I need?

A

Got 15 minutes? Think of your pantry as aisles in a grocery store. Each aisle represents a food theme. Grab some cleaning wipes, masking tape, a sharpie marker, a stack of index cards and a dozen clear shoeboxes. You can dash to your local Dollar Store for the exact number of matching bins or tubs you need. Jot each of your food themes on an index card. Be clever and creative with the themes. In my home our coffee-themed tub is labeled “Coffee Fuel.” Some common food themes might be: Dinner Meals, Canned Foods, Pasta and Sauce, Chips, Snack Bars, Drinks, Baking, Paper Goods and Sweet Treats. Label each tub. Line all the labeled tubs along your kitchen counter.

Next, thoroughly wipe out and sanitize your pantry shelves. Review expiration dates on every item and discard accordingly. It is common to find more than 50% of our clients’ pantries stocked with expired food. For those that pass inspection, wipe off any dust or sticky stuff and place it into the appropriate tub. If your pantry is not particularly wide, but extra deep, consider double-stacking to maximize space. Store infrequently used items or themes behind those used regularly.

Simplify your life! Create budget-friendly organizational systems by: maximizing any space within your business, home or garage. transitioning with success vs. stress in your recovery process utilizing your own psyche for better long-term organizational results. simplifying papers and possessions to bring joy, not sorrow.

Accessing our hands-on organizing, Skype sessions or interactive speaking events.

Missing items to complete a dinner? Hop over to my website to download my free Ultimate Shopping Grocery List. Print a few copies and attach them and a pen to your pantry door to simplify your next shopping adventure. Planning healthy meals was never simpler!

Danielle Wurth is a professional organizer and speaker.

She is the owner of Wurth Organizing, LLC, a professional organizing company in Scottsdale, Arizona, that transforms families with hands-on organizing sessions and events. In addition, Wurth is an exclusive Arizona Brand Partner of The Container Store and has been a contributor to Real Simple Magazine, Fox 10 News, Channel 3 Good Morning Arizona, 1360 KPXQ Faith Talk Radio and The Arizona Republic. You may contact her by phone at 602.579.5274 or by email at danielle@WurthOrganizing.com. wurthorganizing.com

Summer 2016

THESE ORGANIZING SERVICES MAY BE A TAX-DEDUCTIBLE CONSULTING EXPENSE

In Recovery Magazine

Connect with Danielle to get started!

47

by Mark M.

I

was defeated when I arrived in the Fellowship, but the open-mindedness and willingness that would be essential to begin my recovery didn’t come automatically. Consequently, unnecessary struggles and overdue surrenders were part of my early sobriety.

Sometimes it felt as if I were flunking AA. For me, it wasn’t as simple as “When in Rome, do as the Romans do.” As my sponsor suggested, I was attending meetings every day, asking for help in the morning and saying thank you at night. Those actions were working; I didn’t pick up that next first drink. When you asked me how I was doing, my answer was always, “Fine.” However, my face often told a different story.

I always wanted more than I needed; but here in AA, I needed a lot more than I wanted. There were questions I wouldn’t ask and problems I couldn’t solve. Despite needing all the help I could get, it was difficult to ask for it.

It’s a simple program, and I was afraid you’d notice I wasn’t getting it. My intellect, deeply involved with my ego, was challenged. There was a long road ahead of me.

I had felt unique all my life, but I didn’t realize I was uniquely screwed up. What others viewed as a drinking problem was counterbalanced by a sobriety problem that had always driven me back to the booze. I couldn’t drink, and I couldn’t not drink. It was a riddle from Hell. My sponsor referred to it as the “battle of the bottle.”

Without alcohol, my sobriety problem was center stage.

Clearly, if I kept doing what I was doing, I would keep getting what I was getting. Many of my old ideas remained unlabeled, and my other ideas were too ingrained to let go.

I was neither excited to work the Twelve Steps nor dazzled by the prospect of a spiritual awakening. Although some progress was made, I still tried to get along without God in certain areas of my life. My approach was to maneuver 48

around the perimeter of the actual Program with my intelligence. I hoped that an experience of the educational variety would suffice. Needless to say, I wasn’t receiving the desired effect.

One Tuesday night, I went to my home group in distress.

This time, I decided to listen more intently. The answer to the question, “Why do you want to be restored to sanity?” became suddenly clear to me. If I wasn’t restored to sanity, I would be restored to drinking. My case history had been punctuated by numerous attempts to regain control of my drinking, all as my life fell apart around me. It was my Chapter Three. I was ready to come to believe . . . and ready to stop trying to be what I am not and trying not to be what I am.

AA stressed the main problem of the alcoholic is centered in his mind. I realized my own thinking couldn’t uproot the faulty reasoning that had accelerated my downfall into chronic alcoholism. My own mind lacked the lucidity I could rely upon. Acutely aware I couldn’t fix myself, I realized I was in trouble. Now I surely needed a Higher Power, or I wouldn’t recover. Fortunately, I found I was in the company of God’s Repo Men. Some of these men were once atheist or agnostic, but now they were different. There was an undeniable happiness and peace of mind in their lives. Sobriety was not a sacrifice; it was their greatest asset. Their program was working, whereas I had been alternating between spiritual giant and spiritual guppy, seesawing with the ups and downs of my life.

It was obvious that spirituality was the bedrock of longterm sobriety. My next concern was finding a means to eliminate what blocked me from a spiritual awakening.

I knew it was possible; the look in others’ eyes gave me

In Recovery Magazine

Summer 2016

hope – they were the eyes of another kind of Lazarus.

It wasn’t going to be easy, but I needed the same foundation they had. Was it possible? During my 33 years of life, God and I had many fights; He let me lose them all. I later realized those losses were the grace of God. As the meeting unfolded that night, an idea came to me from out of the blue – or was it a spiritual nudge? Whatever it was, everything was about to change. While one member after another was sharing, I sat at the table and pictured a blackboard in my mind’s eye. I began to write on this imaginary chalkboard everything I didn’t like about God. Herein was my problem. Over the years, I had collected a head full of old God ideas. Most of these ideas had come from what I thought I had heard as an adolescent; the rest were part of the scar tissue from my life’s big hurts. After jotting down one grievance after another on that blackboard, it became apparent I wasn’t going to remember them all.

For closure, the list had to be thorough; I determined that everything had to be included whether I could recall it or not. Satisfied, I grabbed an eraser and commenced to wipe out all of my complaints, one by one. My case was closed; now there was a clean slate.

and so it was for me. On that imaginary blackboard that Tuesday night, a new relationship with my Higher Power was presented to me.

While this was happening, I’d like to think no one noticed; but chances are someone saw that screensaver look on my face while I was doing my spiritual housecleaning.

Nevertheless, it was a pivotal day in my recovery, Ground Zero in my relationship with God. This was the power I would take with me to work the Twelve Steps.

Since then, there have been miracles in my life. I hold onto them as I walk this path, reminded that I am never alone.

Twenty-eight years later, I sit in that same room every Tuesday night, remember that blackboard and become aware of the grace it produced.

I ask myself each morning, Is today a good day to trust God? And why wouldn’t it be? He led me to this incredible fellowship.

Mark M., sober for 29 years, lives in a town near Ann Arbor, Michigan, with Danette, his wife of 23 years; his daughter, Lauren; and their two cats, Chubbina and Mahalia. Along with the Twelve Steps and the Fellowship, he knows humor has been vital to his recovery; and although laughter is not the best medicine for this disease, it does show the medicine is working. “My wife warned me that I’m not as funny as I think I am, but that’s okay because she’s not as right as she thinks she is.”

I’ll learn about God here, I thought. These people can show me. I had to start somewhere; I decided it was best to begin with a willingness to grow in the right direction. An essay

by Bill Wilson referred to AA as a spiritual kindergarten,

Call for Stories Our Winter 2016 issue is filling up fast! While writing, art and photography submissions must be received by the following deadlines, we must assign your work to a specific issue at least one month prior to the deadline.

Spring Issue (published March 1st) Summer Issue (published June 1st) Fall Issue (published September 1st) Winter Issue (published December 1st)

Deadline: November 1st Deadline: February 1st Deadline: May 1st Deadline: August 1st

See submission guidelines on our website. Email queries to editor@inrecoverymagazine.com.

Winter 2016 – Music in Recovery, Homeless for the Holidays, Eating Disorders

Summer 2017 – Decriminalization of Casual Drug Use; Criminal Justice Issues in Recovery

Are you a musician in recovery? Would you like us to showcase your work? Do you have a story about being homeless during the holidays, or do you run a program that assists the homeless? Do you have an eating disorder recovery story or are you a professional treating such problems? Send us your 900- to 1,200-word narrative.

Deadline: August 1, 2016

What are your views on the pros and cons regarding the decriminalization of marijuana and other drugs? Share your experience with drug court and/or restorative justice programs. What are the laws about drug use in your state or country? Send us your 900- to 1,200-word narrative.

Deadline: February 1, 2017

Spring 2017 – Seniors Seeking Sobriety and Recovery Humor

Fall 2017 – Domestic Violence; Fetal Alcohol Syndrome

Where are the treatment programs tailored to people over 60? Are you involved in a seniors’ Twelve Step group? Can you address the unique issues of addicted seniors? Are you a professional working with seniors in recovery? Also, send us your humorous stories or comics about recovery. Articles or stories should be 900 to 1,200 words.

Deadline: November 1, 2016 Summer 2016

Calling all domestic violence shelters! We know you have stories to tell.

Fetal alcohol syndrome is a hidden epidemic in the drug and alcohol addiction world. Share your personal story or professional expertise with us. Send us your 900- to 1,200-word narrative.

Deadline: May 1, 2017

In Recovery Magazine

49

Kay’s Kitchen: On Becoming

by Kay Luckett

It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are. – e.e. cummings

M

y athletic aspirations were born as I waited hopefully to be picked for my grammar school volleyball team; those hopes died the moment I was the last to be chosen. Was it because I was afraid of the ball?

I did duck because it always seemed to be coming full speed toward my face. Or was it the dreaded popularity issue? It was a time of great adolescent angst, and may have determined the course of my life.

Continuing the same route into high school, I perceived myself to be among the non-chosen few. The proof manifested even further when I did not make the cheerleading team (sob). Surely, that could be when and why alcohol became my coping mechanism. I longed to be validated and accepted. This longing gave birth to two character defects that were to haunt me for years to come: comparing and people-pleasing.

After graduating from high school in the bottom quarter of my class, I left my childhood world behind and began honing my addiction skills. Later, I was accepted into UC Berkeley as an English major, finished lower division coursework, and promptly dropped out to write poetry with the street poets of the time. We were disciples of the Beat Generation poets, including Allen Ginsberg and Gary Snyder. Our other idols were Ken Kesey of the Merry Pranksters, Timothy Leary who taught us to “turn on, tune in and drop out” and assorted others who supported the great 1970s transition from beatniks to hippies. It was a groovy time.

I left the world of street poetry after being published in a real book, Poems of Peace and Gladness. In it were the poems I had written out of chaos and madness as I plunged deeper into a drug-addicted lifestyle. My life became seedy, and it seemed only natural to morph into my next career as a go-go dancer at San Francisco’s Big Al’s Topless Club on Broadway. I was billed as “Thoroughly Naked Millie” and danced topless on stage. For my finale, I hung stark naked from a swinging birdcage.

Longfellow said, “Youth comes but once in a lifetime.” Sadly, my youth was to last another 25 years. It was a journey 50

that provided me with a notorious Oakland biker gang, a meth-chemist husband, a move to evade the Feds; finally ending up in a hippie commune in Taos, New Mexico.

Later, I went on a spiritual quest as I hitchhiked to Alaska and got adopted into the Tlingit Native American Indian tribe. Upon my return, I found I was pregnant with my now 40-year-old son. The tide was turning.

I quit using illegal drugs, moved back to my mom’s home in Southern California and went back to my old friend, alcohol. I started and ran a successful catering company in Hollywood and raised my son – all while continuing to search for meaning in my life. I ended up in a meditation group in Los Angeles.

It was no coincidence that this group turned out to be a bunch of very hip recovering alcoholics. One of those hip, sober meditators became my roommate. I wanted what she had; but at the time, I wasn’t exactly sure what that was.

I just knew it held meaning, and that’s what attracted me.

She took me to my first recovery meeting at the Little Brown Church in Studio City, California.

Without ever becoming the athlete I set out to be, I changed my outlook on life. After I sobered up and began working the Twelve Steps, my ambitions changed dramatically.

I became a yoga student; as I stretched and breathed, my chaotic, confused insides resonated with this calming practice.

I have been a yoga student during the majority of my sobriety and I still practice regularly. I am also a sponsor, teacher, writer and a life coach. How grateful I am for my journey to become the person I am today and for the life of love and service I am privileged to live.

As a thank you to all my sober friends, my sponsors and my yoga teachers who have helped me along the way, I offer you two free dessert recipes: gluten-free, lactose-free and sugar-free, but – I promise – full of flavor.

Bon Appétit!

In Recovery Magazine

Summer 2016

Four Ingredient “Ice Cream” (adapted from Mum’s Pantry)

Treats Blueberry Cashew Treat 4 cups frozen blueberries (or frozen fruit of your choice) 3 cups raw cashews ¼ cup coconut oil, melted ¼ cup pure maple syrup or honey 2 tsp tapioca flour or arrowroot

2 bananas cut into 1-inch slices ½ cup frozen cherries (or frozen fruit of your choice) 2 Tbsp unsweetened coconut milk (may add more if needed) ½ tsp vanilla Place banana slices on a sheet pan, separating each slice.

Freeze for two or more hours. Remove cherries and bananas from freezer and place in food processor, blending until they are the consistency of soft-serve ice cream.

Add coconut milk and vanilla. Blend until smooth and creamy. Transfer ice cream to a freezer container and freeze until solid, or serve as soft-serve ice cream.

Heat blueberries in a saucepan over medium heat, mashing with potato masher as they heat.

Kay Luckett has been in recovery since 1997. She facilitates educational groups for Promise Recovery Center and teaches at the Yavapai College Community Education Program in Prescott, Arizona. She is the former owner of Memorable Occasions in Los Angeles, where for over 20 years, she produced and catered events while drunk. Luckett is a certified life coach and may be reached for coaching appointments at 928.499.5027. www.monarchlifecoach.com

Using a food processor, blend together the cashews, coconut oil and maple syrup or honey.

Stir tapioca flour or arrowroot into blueberries and cook for another few minutes until mixture begins to thicken.

Spread cashew mixture into an 11×7 pan and pour blueberry mixture on top. Chill in refrigerator for at least an hour, then cut into bars and enjoy! Store bars in refrigerator.

Read Kay’s column in this issue of IRM! Summer 2016

In Recovery Magazine

51

by Jana Greene

Just the other day, I came across a prayer journal I had kept before my DOS (date of sobriety), January 3, 2001 – a date that has become far more meaningful to me than my birthdate or any other anniversary.

The ten entries in this particular journal began about a month before my DOS and continued through my first six months of recovery. If I had been graded on them, none of my entries would have been considered to be in-depth journaling. However, I wasn’t being graded. In my opinion, this is the primary key to journaling. The entries are for the benefit of your own tender spirit and for no one else.

I sat down with a cup of coffee to read this old diary.

In an entry dated December 11, 2000, about three weeks before I came to the end of my addiction, I am hopeful: “I am saving this space to write in tonight when I am tempted to drink.”

Then, scrawled in the center of the page several hours later: “Drank anyway.”

Nearly 15 years later, I can still feel the way my heart collapsed as if it were happening now. Oh, how vividly I remember that disappointment after I drank. I hope I always remember it; it helps keep me sober today.

Between those two notations, a full-on war raged inside me.

Picking up a drink was like setting aside a portion of my faith – my belief that God was in control and could handle my problems. Drinking was my way of sitting out the game of life. Not only was I relinquishing my responsibility for saving my own life, but I was also shaking my fist at God for not helping me save it. By continuing to pick up a drink, I was essentially tying the hands of God. He is a gentleman, you see, and will not coerce with force. There had to be surrender – my surrender.

52

I don’t know why it took so long for my sobriety to stick; I only know it took what it took, and I had to do the work to put my disease in its place. Meetings. Prayers. Surrender every minute of the day. Strategy. Every war requires expert strategists, or the efforts are doomed to fail.

In very early sobriety, part of my approach was to give myself only two choices. Any more than two were completely overwhelming. I would say to myself, Today will be challenging in the same old ways. It will also be challenging in some new ways. You have a choice. You can: a) drink or use anyway, or b) have faith anyway.

For me, the latter was so much more difficult than the former, but choosing faith saved my life.

“Having faith anyway” looks messy in action. It means believing the impossible. It means accepting this life, one day at a time, one hour at a time, one second at a time.

It was interesting to read the journal entries that followed.

They were desperate. Here is the entry written when I was five days sober: “I cannot drink today, not today. Maybe not ever again.

Nobody knows the extent of my disease. Holding this pen, my hands are trembling. I feel toxic, inside and out. The alcohol is bad for my body, but worse for my soul. It’s like acid and sweet nectar of oblivion, all in one. I cannot serve two gods anymore. I can feel the hand of Jesus reaching to me; I know He is with me, even now. I used to boast that Jesus was my crutch. I used to be embittered by all that happens in life, and I talked to Him every day. Over the years, wine became my crutch . . . just a ‘little something’ to relax me. Then a few more, then I don’t even remember, until the bottle was empty. So here I am (again) on this cool January morning, trembling and calling out the demon. I want God back at the helm. Not because I ‘deserve’ it, but because of His amazing, impossible-to-comprehend gift of grace. I no longer want to feel the constant shame, the uneasy and bewildering guilt.

I’m ready to change, with His help.”

Many other journal notes followed: “Okay, God . . . what is the deal with my life?” and “Help me, God. I cannot do this!”

But I could choose Plan B, and I did. I had faith that if

In Recovery Magazine

Summer 2016

I surrendered to the will of God, I would survive and even thrive.

And so, time after time, I chose Plan B, no matter what.

Is your life falling apart, and do you see no possible solution? Choose faith anyway. He’s got this, if only you surrender your will to His. Are you hurting in your body, mind and soul? Choose faith anyway. Nothing is ever healed by drinking or using other toxins.

“Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. God knows us far better than we know ourselves, and keeps us present before Him. That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.”

– Romans 8:28 (MSG)

Are you angry, bitter and fed up? Choose faith anyway.

Have faith that your DOS – that glorious, meaningful gift of a date – is yours to keep, but you have to work to keep it.

Surround yourself in a healthy recovery community. If it helps, journal; and remember, nobody is grading you.

Don’t sit out the game of your own life. Don’t tie the hands of God. He has such good plans for you. He knows you far better than you know yourself. And He is madly in love with you. When you get tired, ask for His Spirit to help you along.

Break free with courage, With all your inner strength.

Break free with Valor.

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• Yoga • Meditation • Acupuncture • Music/Art Therapy • Equine Therapy • Hypnotherapy • Life Coaching • Daily Trips to Gym • Weekend Outings

VALOR BEHAVIORAL HEALTHCARE: ADDICTION TREATMENT IS THE FIRST FULL SERVICE, LONG-TERM SUBSTANCE ABUSE TREATMENT FACILITY IN SCOTTSDALE, ARIZONA AND THE SOUTHWEST REGION OF THE UNITED STATES. VALOR PROVIDES A SAFE AND UNIQUE APPROACH TO RECOVERY FOCUSING ON POWERFUL, SAFE AND EFFECTIVE METHODS OF SUBSTANCE ABUSE TREATMENT.

It’s a messy thing, recovery. But, oh, how your tender spirit will rejoice during the journey, one single day at a time.

Faith can save your life. It saved mine.

Jana Greene is a Jesus freak, wife, mother, recovering alcoholic, author and blogger at thebeggarsbakery.com. In 2001, she surrendered her will to Jesus and still surrenders on a daily basis. She writes to let others know where to find the Bread of Life. She lives with her husband, daughters and kitty cats in North Carolina. TheBeggarsBakery.net

Summer 2016

In Recovery Magazine

Call Us Today!

6613 N Scottsdale Rd., Ste 200 Scottsdale, AZ 85250 1-844-57-VALOR www.ValorBehavioral.com

53

Your Next Step May Cost You Your Life

Steps to Recovery Homes can make each step lead towards a better life.

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877-215-2224

I’m So Happy You’re Not Ugly A

by Sheryle Cruse

llow me, if you will, to rail about the toxic image pressures of a common fairytale.

I came across a humorous pop culture meme from the famous “Beauty and the Beast.” It was the image of the Beast transformed into the handsome prince and gazing at Belle, the beautiful ingénue, with the caption, “Thank God. I’m so happy you’re not ugly.”

However exaggerated that caption may be, people often do echo this attitude when referring to a woman’s appearance.

The sentiment is implied in most, if not all, “happily ever after” princess fairytales; and it’s always specifically tied to external beauty.

Many fairytales present ugly and evil villain stepsisters, stepmothers and witches; all of whom are in direct contrast to the beautiful, virtuous and good heroine princess.

So let me get this straight: A beautiful exterior equals good; an ugly exterior equals bad. Yikes!

Indeed, when it comes to our standards of attractiveness, there isn’t a great deal of variety in the princess-beauty spectrum. The ideal ingénue is still preferably blonde and white-skinned with the facial features and bodies of shapely yet dainty teenagers.

Yes, perhaps we have more diversity in recent years: Ariel is a redheaded mermaid; Belle is brunette; Mulan is Asian; Pocahontas is Native American; Tiana is AfricanAmerican; and Jasmine is of Middle Eastern descent.

Disney has unsuccessfully attempted to display authentic ethnic characteristics. I still remember the hubbub years ago about Jasmine’s large nose and the pronounced cheekbones of Pocahontas. It was argued that their features might not be viewed as pleasing or attractive enough.

That said, it’s important to note that not one is without a tiny waist, accentuated curves and – well, let’s just call it out – an impressive décolletage. C’mon, really? What’s the deal here?

The depictions of these dainty heroines raise some questions. Was the female character’s incredible beauty brought about by her innate goodness? Was she outwardly beautiful only because her inner beauty activated her exterior features? Or is inner beauty – translation, inherent value – only accomplished by having a beautiful physical appearance? Hmmm . . .

a woman’s outward beauty to the exclusion of, or secondary to, the importance of inner qualities such as personality, intellect, creativity, kindness and a sense of humor.

Many are left believing, saying or requiring, “I’m so happy you’re not ugly.”

A distorted and unachievable image evolves from the cultural messages we internalize, amplify and accept as the all-important gospel. This image is attached to and expected from young people, principally young girls. Many little girls grow up prizing pretty over smart, thin over fat, and extreme beauty or diet tactics over health. These imprints can follow a girl throughout adolescence and into adulthood. Are there any women in our society who are 100 percent content with their appearance, including their body size and shape?

My point exactly!

That’s the problem I have with the fairytale version of value. It prizes outer beauty above all else. It discourages self-acceptance and discovery. Instead, a woman’s value is reduced to this statement: “Thank God. I’m so happy you’re not ugly.”

No, that is not a fairytale ending – and yes, it is quite an ugly statement!

It is possible, however, to see ourselves and others in a different light. Dr. Margo Maine has a spectacular list of body-positive affirmations. Apply them to your own life. Share them with your daughters, sisters, mothers and friends. Find your own “happily ever after” in these self-acceptance principles.

Copyright © 2015 by Sheryle Cruse

It would seem so. A great deal of emphasis is often placed on 56

In Recovery Magazine

Sheryle Cruse has a passion for encouraging and empowering young girls and women to live their lives free from the damage of their life experiences. No matter what disorder, obstacle or argument, Cruse’s message declares relationship with God, vibrant health and a prosperous life are possible. Sheryle lives in Minnesota with her husband, Russell, writing articles for faith-based and recovery magazines and speaking on disordered eating/image issues.

Summer 2016

Twenty Ways to Love Your Body (Abridged) Compiled by Margo Maine, PhD

•

Your body is the vehicle to your dreams. Honor, respect and fuel it.

•

List the things your body allows you do. Read the list and add to it often.

•

Be aware of your body each day. It’s the instrument of your life, not an ornament.

•

List people you admire: people who have contributed to your life, community or world. Is their appearance important to their success and accomplishments?

•

Walk with your head held high, proud and confident.

•

Don’t let your weight or shape keep you from activities you enjoy.

•

Wear comfortable clothing you like that feels good on your body.

•

Count your blessings, not your blemishes.

•

List things you could accomplish with the time and energy you spend worrying about your body and appearance.

•

Be your body’s friend and supporter, not its enemy.

•

Your skin replaces itself once a month, your stomach lining every five days, your liver every six weeks and your skeleton every three months. Respect and appreciate your extraordinary body.

•

Every morning when you awaken, thank your body for resting and rejuvenating itself.

•

At bedtime, appreciate what your body has allowed you to do that day.

•

Find exercise you enjoy and do it regularly. Don’t exercise to lose weight or to fight your body. Do it to make your body healthy and strong, and because it makes you feel good.

•

Think back to a time in your life when you felt good about your body. You can feel like that again, even in this body at this age.

•

List ten positive things about yourself without mentioning your appearance. Add to it!

•

Put a sign on each of your mirrors saying, “I’m beautiful inside and out.”

•

Choose to find the beauty in the world and in yourself.

•

Say to yourself, Life is too short to waste time hating my body.

•

Eat when you are hungry. Rest when you are tired.

•

Surround yourself with people who remind you of your inner beauty and strength.

NationalEatingDisorders.org

Summer 2016

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Our treatment programs are for men and women, 18 years and older, who are struggling with addiction to alcohol and drugs.

Calvary is contracted with most insurance carriers to provide a full continuum of care including medical detoxification, residential and outpatient services.

All clinical staff are licensed and credentialed to provide a model of treatment that is proven to set the stage for long-term recovery.

1-866-76-SOBER (76237)

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In Recovery Magazine

57

Weird Girl Walking

by Roxanne Clever

I

n 2013, I wrote an article for In Recovery Magazine.

I wrote it while I was sitting on my bunk at Perryville Correctional Facility as I was completing a two-anda-half-year sentence. This was my second time in prison.

In total, I have spent about five years in jails and prisons, not to mention the years in and out of emergency rooms, detox centers, rehabilitation facilities and halfway houses.

I was the kind of person who had to learn lessons the hard way . . . the really hard way. These trips to the ER and detox centers were a sort of sobering-up period when I couldn’t take one more day of living on the street.

When in active addiction, I was a menace to myself and others. I became ugly. I would shower, but still smell awful from too much meth. I would put on makeup to cover the scabs from picking at my face. I look older than my years.

I was too skinny, too bleached blonde and too sketchy.

I was the girl you saw walking on the side of the road, sometimes in the strangest of places where there was nothing for miles – just a weird girl walking.

When I’d had enough of the streets, I would say I was suicidal; I knew how to manipulate the system so I would be taken care of for a while. The sad truth was that some of those suicidal feelings were real. I just didn’t know how to live, so I thought the only logical choice was to die.

I would end up a mess in some detox center – North Carolina, Arizona, Nevada and so on. I would share a room with another addict or two, sitting on beds that had seen too many tears, too much pain. I would stand in med lines hoping for something to ease the reality of my messed-up life.

I had been slamming meth, taking pills or, when I could, snorting heroin. Alcohol was easy. I could drink it before exiting a store, leaving behind a water-filled bottle on the shelf. In detox, nothing changed. I wanted every drug they had to offer. Lithium, Risperdal, Seroquel, Librium? Yes, please!

The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous (p. 58) says, “We tried to find an easier softer way. But we could not.” Those detox centers were my easier, softer way; and still I failed.

So, off to prison I went yet again, and that is where I finally received my spiritual gift.

I was about six months into my sentence when I decided to quit taking meds. I’d had enough. I was tired of standing in med lines knowing those pills were just another hustle.

I was a liar. I knew I didn’t need those pills; I wanted those pills. Those pills represented a lifetime of wanting to be anything other than what I was . . . a dirty, miserable addict.

My spiritual experience came as I was shaking in my cell, sobbing and vomiting from soul sickness. I had come to a place of “incomprehensible demoralization.”

In that cell, I met God for the first time. I vividly remember the pain I was in; the most I had ever experienced. I begged, sobbed, vomited and prayed; I had never prayed with such urgency and profound despair. The next day, I felt slightly less desperate, just a bit of relief. It was enough; it was the proof I needed.

I surrendered completely and passionately to a Power greater than myself, and I received an answer. This was the first step of my 1,000-mile journey. Though I could never have imagined this, I have now been sober four years and nine months.

better than the best he had ever known!” Years ago, that phrase had caught my attention; and I had thought, No way. I thought my best years were behind me. Now I know otherwise.

Bill spoke of being “catapulted into the fourth dimension of existence” to a happiness and peace that exists outside of addiction. For me, this statement came true; it is achievable.

There is a way out.

My own story makes me cry for both the old Roxanne and the new Roxanne – for very different reasons. There is fulfillment and happiness in sobriety; it is more than merely existing. I am happy today – profoundly and organically happy.

You can be happy, too. Go to meetings, get a sponsor and work the Steps. Give it a try and see what happens. It can’t be any worse than what you are doing. If you are hurting as I was, come see me – we can talk.

God does not reveal the future to us. If I had known then what I know now, would I have surrendered earlier? Would I have tried as hard? No, I know that I would not have.

There is a proverb that says, “It is always darkest before the dawn.” That was true for me.

Roxanne Clever works at A Sober Way Home in Prescott, Arizona. asoberwayhome.org

The first year out of prison was extremely difficult; I was still a very sick person. I had behavioral issues: I threw my defenses up against things I did not want to do, made rash decisions and ran away. I was living very much in self-will, yet I was giving it to God dozens of times each day. I would give it to God, take it back, give it to God, and then take it back again.

Recovery is a slow process that can be just as painful as addiction, with one exception – there is a light of hope that comes with recovery. Active addiction offers only darkness.

So with the fear of going back to prison and with God on my side, I kept trudging along. I enrolled in school and earned a bachelor’s degree in public administration and then moved on to graduate school. I eventually took a job working at a recovery center.

Those are all big things; but for me, they are small in comparison to getting my family back. I now have a relationship with all of my children. There was a time when I would go years without hearing their little voices, and now I call them anytime I want – a couple of them even live with me.

I have a great marriage. My husband’s story was as spectacularly tragic as mine; and he is sober, too. I have sober friends and a love for life that often annoys people.

My sponsor is one of the most beautiful women I have ever met.

“Bill’s Story,” of The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous (p. 11), reads, “. . . he had, in effect, been raised from the dead, suddenly taken from the scrap heap to a level of life Summer 2016

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WILDERNESS FIRST RECOVERY, LLC • SOBER LIVING FACILITY

2215 East Calvery Lane, Prescott, AZ 86301 Wilderness1st@yahoo.com • WildernessFirstRecovery.com

In Recovery Magazine

59

Because She Matters: Leaving the Life of the Sex Worker

by Nancy Todd, MA

Many recovering addicts supported their drug habits with sex work. Whether they traded sex for drugs, stripped, acted in the porn industry or worked the streets, the resulting damage is often the same – post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and lifelong emotional distress. There is life after leaving the sex industry. With help in exiting, in finding gainful employment and in reframing their experiences, many former sex workers lead productive, joyful lives.

W

omen may begin stripping or prostituting to pay for their drug habits or may start using drugs after they enter the sex industry to numb the feelings associated with the dehumanizing status of the prostitute. If she is to leave the industry successfully, however, the sex worker must address her substance abuse problem.

We know that quitting prostitution and stopping drug use may not occur simultaneously. While many men and women come into a Twelve Step program and immediately stop their lives of crime, it may not be so straightforward with sex workers.

for help.

In her 1988 seminal work on exit roles, Becoming an Ex: The Process of Role Exit, Helen Rose Fuchs Ebaugh describes a common exit cycle: •

She experiences periods of extreme doubt about her role as a sex worker.

•

She begins to seek alternatives other than life as a sex worker.

•

A turning point occurs – the straw that breaks the camel’s back – an arrest, beating, rape or perhaps the birth of a child.

•

Finally, after she finds a clear exit path, the sex worker creates a new identity.

How can we best support former sex workers?

A woman seeking to exit from sex work needs a therapist or a nonjudgmental friend. As the sex worker recounts the insanity associated with her life in the industry – the A cessation in drug usage may occur quite suddenly. The violence, drug use and chaos (which may be important addict may overdose or an arrest places her in a diversion catalysts driving her toward recovery) – it may be program. Perhaps her family successfully intervenes. difficult for her support system to refrain from offering advice. However, processing feelings in a safe, supportive Quitting the sex work profession is not always so simple. atmosphere is imperative for her to reframe and make A talented stripper or escort can make over $1,000 a night. sense of her experiences.

It may be unrealistic to ask a sex worker with few job skills and perhaps a criminal record to work for minimum wage. Support groups also assist sex workers in reframing and Many women stop using drugs, yet continue to strip or reintegrating their experiences. Twelve Step programs can turn tricks. They may attend Twelve Step meetings and help, which include Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics believe that their double lives are fine. Eventually their Anonymous and Sex Workers Anonymous. Additionally, secret becomes toxic, and they are compelled to reach out former sex workers usually need some ongoing counseling 60

In Recovery Magazine

Summer 2016

and emotional support, as many suffer from severe PTSD and other mental health issues.

Sharing feelings with other survivors is vital for women exiting this lifestyle. Others who have been down the same road will acknowledge the residual feelings they have had – the trauma, the shame – and will give the former sex worker a safe place to discuss current fears and the difficulties she may face as she reintegrates into a more mainstream lifestyle.

The Sex Worker Exit Cycle

Jill G., a recovering addict and former sex worker, exited the industry in 2009. In her second year of recovery, she enrolled in a local community college. Now in her late 30s, she graduated summa cum laude from college with two bachelor degrees.

Jill first applied for a job in social services. However, she wanted to make up for lost time financially and began interviewing in industries with traditionally higher wages.

Jill was a high academic achiever who interviewed well; however, she had never held a job and faced intense questioning from potential employers.

After being denied several job opportunities, she consulted with her mentors about her lack of a job history. With their help, she decided to explain the work gap using a part of her history where she had been a victim of domestic violence.

In this scenario, she chose not to reveal her addiction or her former life of sex work. “The minute I began sharing the domestic violence part of my story in an interview, I began getting job offers. I had to feel truthful about my explanation; I could then look them in the eye and not feel ashamed.”

She finally accepted a lucrative job in the financial industry and is in the first months of her new career. She chose to remain in control of her anonymity, yet effectively managed her lack of job history with a slice of her truth. “Because I had experienced a significant amount of domestic violence, I felt my explanation was rigorously honest.”

Career Planning Over time, as sex workers stay clean and begin to experience a new spiritual paradigm, many work diligently to build new careers. Others despair at ever finding a positive occupation; they believe they will always have to perform menial jobs.

Obtaining an education and building new job skills create self-confidence. The analytical skills these women exercised as they survived on the streets and in the sex industry can be highly beneficial in today’s business world. Many former sex workers excel as successful investigators, counselors, healers, writers or other skilled professionals.

As sex workers move forward in their recovery, it is critical they find successful employment and the support of other successful survivors. With stable employment and support, their lives improve. The Because She Matters blog and support groups can help. Here, women who have successfully left the sex industry show that recovery from this life is possible. Families and friends of sex workers are also supported as they grieve and begin to understand the many difficulties their recovering loved ones face, and hopefully support their loved ones as they attempt to exit the sex industry and create a new life.

Nancy Todd, MA, is the founder of Because She Matters, a support group that offers hope to sex workers and their families. Reach Nancy by email at becauseshematters@gmail.com. becauseshematters.blogspot.com

Early in the career planning process, the sex worker must decide whether or not she wants to work in a profession in which she must hide her past. Her choice can be the difference between working in a corporate environment in which she lives in fear of exposure and pursuing a path in which she can share her true self.

If she chooses work in traditional industries, such as banking, retail or manufacturing, she may feel that by suppressing her history she is forced to live a double life.

If she decides to work in a helping profession, she may sacrifice income for the freedom to share her story.

Summer 2016

In Recovery Magazine

61

by Katie Groller

I

f you’re lucky, you know very little about addiction and even less about treatment. But if you are among the millions of people dealing with this disease, chances are you know more than you’d like to know.

You know what it’s like to search for a treatment facility, making phone call after phone call as you try to find a place that will take your insurance. You know how it feels when a treatment center finally says yes.

For many addicts and alcoholics, the first time in treatment is the beginning of a rehab roundabout. Their admissions into programs and subsequent relapses become a vicious cycle, each turn costing thousands of dollars – an expensive course to take.

Most people go to a 30-day inpatient treatment facility.

This bubble, as it is often called, provides protection for the client from the outside world. Phone calls to loved ones are limited. Meals are provided. There’s no house to clean or job to go to, and no social media over which to obsess.

The problem is that 30 days of treatment is over in the blink of an eye. What seemed like an eternity going in, feels not quite long enough getting out. And it isn’t long enough.

Studies show that those who only complete 30 days of 62

treatment have an incredibly high relapse rate. They are told numerous times that only one in four of them will make it – a 75% failure rate.

It doesn’t have to be this way. There are some very successful programs around the country. Statistics show that some drug courts have a 60% to 70% success rate. There are programs for doctors, pilots and other professionals that boast of success rates as high as 80% to 92%. These programs did not reach those percentages overnight. Developing successful programs is a process that often takes years.

Luckily, there are some relatively simple steps involving some specific measures that can ensure the best possible outcome for you or your family member.

First and foremost is personal accountability. The best way to ensure accountability is through random drug testing – not just while the patient is in treatment, but up to five years after the initial treatment ends. Drug-testing companies

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Summer 2016

have set up systems that accommodate testing anywhere in the world. The average cost is less than $100 per test. Drug testing is a huge deterrent to relapse.

A recovery advocate or caseworker can be an asset in a successful treatment equation. These professionals are on the frontlines, fighting for the addicts’ continued sobriety and, at the same time, teaching them how to live a clean and sober life. Working one-on-one with clients, they coordinate the efforts of therapists, families and sponsors.

They provide direction and assistance to clients as they move through their treatment plan.

Extended-care sober living homes offer clients a safe launching pad back into the world as they learn to cope with life without a drink or a drug. They live in a communal setting, sharing chores and responsibilities with other recovering people. They typically also attend a variety of therapies and Twelve Step programs. Twelve Step programs are saving lives around world. Most homes encourage clients to get a sponsor, complete the Twelve Steps and begin some type of service work.

Because the basics of life aren’t always easy for the newlyrecovering addict, a good life coach can likewise make a difference. Making a bed or a meal, doing laundry and keeping appointments can be a struggle; but it doesn’t have to be. Without undue embarrassment, clients can learn to do these everyday chores and other simple tasks in private coaching sessions.

Independent Coalition of Treatment Providers (ICTP) has joined forces with other providers in supporting the United States Department of Justice’s in investigation of abusive practices in the addiction treatment field, including insurance fraud. The ICTP has also taken their concerns to insurance companies and received a positive response.

For the first time, treatment providers and third-party payers are working directly with the Joint Commission (a healthcare accreditation body) to develop a “Clean Hands” pledge of ethical, sound and legal treatment practices that are transparent and verifiable.

Yes, finding a reputable and effective treatment program can be difficult; but it is an important step toward recovery.

Treatment works; I’ve seen success even in the most difficult situations – with addicts who swore they had no intention of getting clean. Addicts often come to treatment kicking and screaming, but they’ve become well; and, more importantly, they’ve continued to stay well.

It’s not easy. It’s the most difficult journey most addicts and alcoholics will ever take, but it can be done. It’s happening all around the country and all over the world.

Together, we can win this.

Katie Groller has spent the past 17 years working as a journalist in Anchorage, Alaska; Albuquerque, New Mexico; Denver, Colorado and Seattle, Washington.

She now lives and works for Ken Seeley Communities in Palm Springs, California.

Addiction is expensive. No one likes to think about how much money they spent getting loaded or high. A life coach can help the client with money management skills and their financial wreckage before the reality becomes overwhelming. A financial plan that covers treatment expenses, as well as financial amends, can make the path to financial freedom less daunting.

Addiction is a family disease, and often the families of the clients are sicker than the addicted person. Recovery advocates support the addict’s family members as they begin to heal. Many family members put their own lives on hold while helping their addicted son, daughter or spouse.

They sacrificed for a disease they themselves didn’t have; and many became angry and resentful. Fortunately, once the addict begins to heal, so do their loved ones. Many find Twelve Step programs and professionals who teach them how to set appropriate boundaries and find the support and instruction they need to cope with this deadly disease.

For either the addict or the family, picking a program can be difficult. Not all are created equally; in fact, some are downright injurious. Some centers overcharge for drug tests and claim high success rates with no data to back their claims. Others charge for services that are never provided; and some programs are downright unsafe.

A group of treatment professionals is fighting back against what they consider unscrupulous practices. The Summer 2016

Reco very. Fo r L i f e .

Find it at Bella Monte.

Bella Monte is a holistic residential treatment facility for men and women with substance abuse and co-occurring mental health disorders.

Desert Hot Springs, CA 1 (800) 974-1938 bellamonterecovery.com

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In Recovery Magazine

Summer 2016

Practicing Virtue V

by Steve K.

irtue, defined as a quality or trait of character considered to be morally good or desirable, is fundamental to the practice of the Twelve Step program of recovery originated by Alcoholics Anonymous.

I am particularly interested in the application of Aristotle’s Virtue Theory of moral philosophy, which can be described as a humanistic approach toward an ethical life, to AA’s program of recovery which is based upon basic Christian principles. In deciding ethical behavior, virtue ethics focus upon the character of the person rather than a particular act.

Simply put, practicing such cardinal virtues as courage, temperance, wisdom and justice leads us to live a good, moral or “flourishing” (happy, serene, wellbeing, a life well lived) life. By practicing virtue, one becomes virtuous. The way one is or one’s being is what’s important, not necessarily what one does.

Aristotle’s understanding of virtue was the mean between two extremes of a character trait – courage as a point between cowardice and foolhardy, or humility as between prideful and low self-esteem (being right-sized).

The Twelve Steps The aim of AA’s Twelve Step program, as originally conceived by cofounder Bill Wilson, is to bring about a spiritual experience or awakening within the alcoholic, sufficient to bring about recovery from alcoholism. Based upon Christian principles, it is considered by members of AA to be a spiritual program. The fundamental belief behind the Twelve Steps is that alcoholics cannot recover by relying upon their own resources and need a Power Greater than themselves in order to do so. The practice of the Steps invites this Higher Power into one’s life and brings about inner change and growth or psychic change.

Regardless of whether or not the alcoholic accepts a traditional understanding of God or Higher Power in relation to the Steps, virtue is needed in order to practice them.

The Steps can be understood from a humanistic perspective – through the prism of reason, experience and shared human values – without the necessity of a belief in God. AA is a diverse fellowship built upon liberal as well as spiritual principles, which has from its inception always included members of different world views, including agnostics, atheists and humanists. A Power Greater can be understood in terms of the collective power and inspiration of the fellowship and the wisdom, love and spirit of humanity Summer 2016

within its members.

The AA Steps are often referred to as a “Way of Life,” and spirituality as a way of being. Virtue ethics value the way one is, one’s character or way of being and the way one lives overall. The example of virtue in others, the understanding and practice of it, can bring about ethical and spiritual change and growth within the individual.

Understanding AA’s Twelve Step program from this perspective and using the liberal principle of freedom to choose one’s own concept in relation to God or Higher Power, enables a more humanistic or broadly spiritual interpretation of the Steps.

The First Step requires an admission that one lacks control in relation to their drinking. Humility, honesty, acceptance of the truth and a surrender of the ego are needed in order to take this Step. Honesty with self and others and the humble admission of one’s limitations are neccesary. These virtues require ongoing practice in order to maintain sobriety.

Humility is also required for Step Two and is common to the practice of all Twelve Steps. This Step requires an understanding that the individual is “Not-God” – is not the center of the universe, doesn’t know everything and can’t control all things.

Humility is having an accurate view of oneself as a limited, imperfect human being and being honest without pretence in the portrayal of oneself to others. Humility acknowledges the need for others and reaches out toward them. Pride/ ego denies this need and results in an inner emptiness; it cuts one off from others due to a sense of being “better than” in comparison, and therefore lacks identification and compassion for others.

Low self-worth is the opposite extreme of pride and also prevents humility. It cuts one off from a healthy connection with others as one feels “less than” in comparison. It also prevents identification and creates feelings of rejection, anger and bitterness toward others.

The humility required for Step Two allows for an openminded attitude, as one doesn’t assume all knowledge and power, as opposed to a closed-minded ego that already knows the “truth.” Humility allows for the willingness to believe in something greater than oneself.

In addition to humility and willingness, Step Three requires the ongoing practice of faith, deciding to turn one’s will and life over to a Power Greater, and the self-discipline to practice a Higher Power’s will. Or in my case, turning my will and life in the direction of the Good Within or my

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conscience as inspired by the principles and practices of the Steps and the collective wisdom within the fellowship of AA. Humility, honesty, courage, willingness, compassion, forgiveness and empathy are required for the genuine practice of Steps Four and Five. It takes humility and courage to look at oneself honestly and admit one’s faults and failings. The ego and its defenses always get in the way of this practice in the forms of pride, arrogance, resentment, denial, rationalization and justification. Therefore, the willingness to step outside of oneself, to transcend selfcenteredness and be objective, is paradoxically needed to take one’s own inventory effectively.

Compassion, forgiveness and empathy are required to admit one’s faults and failings and their impact upon others.

Compassion and forgiveness towards one’s own faults and failings as an imperfect human being and both empathy and compassion in relation to how one’s faults and failings affect others.

Hopefully, the awareness of one’s character defects and their effect upon oneself and others creates the acceptance and willingness required in Step Six – acceptance of the need to change and the willingness to let go of character defects with the help of a Higher Power.

Humility and faith are the key virtues of Step Seven – the humility to understand the need for change, to rely on help from something greater than oneself, and to reach toward moral and spiritual growth. Active participation is essential – prayer, meditation, service, work with a sponsor and consistently practicing the rest of the Steps.

In relation to prayer and the removal of shortcomings, what about those who do not believe in a personal God? Can they pray for the removal of shortcomings? It’s up to the individual, but for me the answer is yes. I pray in order to connect with the moral and spiritual values I aspire to live by, to affirm my conscience or higher self. The following description of Buddhist prayer in the book Experiencing Spirituality by Ernest Kurtz and Katherine Ketcham, expresses my interpretation of non-theistic prayer and how it can relate to Step Seven.

“Buddhist prayer is a practice to awaken our inherent inner capacities of strength, compassion and wisdom rather than to petition external forces based on fear, idolizing, and worldly and/or heavenly gain. Buddhist prayer is a form of meditation; it is a practice of inner reconditioning. Buddhist prayer replaces the negative with the virtuous and points us to the blessings of life.

For Buddhists, prayer expresses an aspiration to pull something into one’s life, like some new energy or purifying influence and share it with all beings.

Likewise, prayer inspires our hearts towards wisdom and compassion for others and ourselves. It allows us to turn our hearts and minds to the beneficial, rousing our thoughts and actions towards Awakening. If we believe in something enough, it will take hold of us. In other words, believing in it, we will become what we believe.” (p. 228) 66

Again humility, honesty and courage are required for Steps Eight and Nine, and a rising above pride and any resentment held toward others who may have done harm to the alcoholic. Forgiveness is the antidote to resentment and so often needs to be practiced. Empathy and compassion for others’ difficulties and character defects allow for forgiveness. A sense of justice is also needed for making amends.

Willingness and perseverance are essential for completing Step Ten, the daily practice of all the Steps, as are all the virtues identified in Steps Four through Nine.

The necessity for ongoing effort as part of Twelve Step recovery is well-summarized in the following passage from The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous: “AA is not a plan for recovery that can be finished and done with. It is a way of life, and the challenge contained in its principles is great enough to keep any human being striving for as long as he lives. We do not, cannot, outgrow this plan. As arrested alcoholics, we must have a program for living that allows for limitless expansion. Keeping one foot in front of the other is essential for maintaining our arrestment. Others may idle in a retrogressive groove without too much danger, but retrogression can spell death for us.” (Alcoholics Anonymous, 3rd Edition, p. 311)

Step Eleven develops spirituality and requires humility, willingness and a degree of faith. For me, it plays a big part in developing moral virtue and awakening me to the “good within.” It helps me reflect upon my relationship to others, the mystery that is life and the universe we are part of, which is greater than I am.

As the result of practicing the Steps and their inherent moral virtues, one should be awakened enough morally and spiritually to be willing to be of service to other alcoholics and people in general. One will have become more outward-looking and less self-centered, a more virtuous person who is willing to carry this message to other alcoholics and practice the virtues and principles in all their affairs. This is Step Twelve. This Step includes the practice of altruism or unconditional love, which is the giving of oneself without expectation of reward. This high ideal is the primary characteristic of Twelve Step recovery and is not easy to live up to.

Thus the idea within Twelve Step fellowships of a good, contented recovery, or being spiritually well as the result of practicing the Steps, is similar to Aristotle’s idea of “human flourishing” – a state of wellbeing, happiness and emotional balance, which is the result of living a good or virtuous life.

In Recovery Magazine

Steve K. lives in Macclesfield, Cheshire, in the northwest of England. He has a background in advice and counseling work, mainly in the areas of mental health and social welfare law. He regularly chairs his local AA home group.

12stepphilosophy.wordpress.com

Summer 2016

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Addicted to Dimes

by Catherine Townsend-Lyon

All I remember was waking up in the hospital with cuts all over my arms and my wrists bandaged. I blacked out again. The next time I awoke, I was looking up at the ceiling, wondering where the hell I was. A woman walked in and asked how I was feeling and if I wanted to talk. I didn’t feel like talking; I just wanted to die. I thought, Why didn’t you just let me die?

T

his was my first suicide attempt, but not my last.

It was almost Thanksgiving in 2002 and it was my 40th birthday – what a way to celebrate. I had been admitted to an addiction crisis center after a bad gambling binge and a failed suicide attempt, combined with undiagnosed mental health problems. During my stay, I was diagnosed with severe bipolar depression, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and a panic disorder. I had also started abusing alcohol. My name is Catherine, and I am a recovering addicted, compulsive gambler.

That day, instead of being at my best friend’s memorial service, I had spent nine hours at a casino. I had been distraught about her death from cancer the previous week. I had every intention of going to her service, but my gambling addiction had other plans for me. I hadn’t been prepared; I had no relapse prevention plan. My addiction had been lying in wait for me.

things. My gambling had been both emotionally and financially devastating. I had taken my husband to hell and back with all of this. As an addict, I hadn’t realized the hurt and pain I was causing others.

In early 2006, I had a second failed suicide attempt. This time, though, I hadn’t been gambling.

When financial problems arose, I quickly returned to old patterns and behaviors. Fortunately, my Higher Power had other plans for me and pulled me from the edge of darkness once again. It took me more than a few tries to finally grasp long-term recovery, but I never gave up.

I tried anything and everything attended Gamblers Anonymous; was admitted to both inpatient and outpatient treatment twice; and worked with a gambling addiction specialist for a year. Through this journey, I discovered that it doesn’t matter what treatment path you choose, as long as you choose recovery.

Gambling addiction, along with my poor choices, had turned me into a liar and a cheat. While I was in my addiction, I had done many terrible 68

In my nine years addiction-free, I have never looked back. My journey has been filled with many lessons. I have worked diligently on my financial In Recovery Magazine

Summer 2016

I learned that I had to let go of all the shame, guilt and lies.

I never agreed with the Twelve Step philosophy that “We can recover without knowing why we turned to addiction in the first place.” I had to do my own inner work in the Program and in therapy as I uncovered my character defects, worked my Steps and identified the underlying issues of my gambling. I didn’t want to be haunted by old, painful memories and bad dreams.

In May of 2013, I published my bestselling book, Addicted to Dimes: Confessions of a Liar and a Cheat. Writing this book helped me let go of my past. It was my way of being publicly accountable and making amends.

Gambling addiction, along with my poor choices, had turned me into a liar and a cheat. While I was in my addiction, I had done many terrible things.

Today life is good. My dear husband, Tom, and I were able to keep our 26-year marriage together. We don’t have children, just our three cats that bring us so much joy.

I enjoy sharing my message of hope with anyone who is in, or reaching out for, recovery. I have embraced my recovery 100 percent. I am “a recovery work in progress” and will be for the remainder of my life. I know what the alternative is and refuse to let my addiction win.

I never thought I would be a writer, blogger or a published author; but today I am. I write articles about gambling addiction and recovery for Addicted Minds Fresh Perspectives Blog. I have been interviewed about gambling addiction as part of a major media release from Columbia University, New York, entitled Columbia University – Gambling with America’s Health. I am beginning a new column, The Authors’ Café, in this issue of In Recovery Magazine.

ARTISTS

I had sought gambling to cope with and escape old hurts and painful childhood memories of trauma and sexual abuse from the ages of ten to thirteen. No excuses, just my insight into how I had turned to addictive behaviors when I didn’t know how to get help for my life traumas and problems.

call to recovering

inventory as I moved toward a well-balanced recovery. I’ve paid off all my debts and have credit again. For me, this was a significant accomplishment.

I enjoy all that life has to offer. I don’t waste the time I have.

More doors open as I live life in recovery.

Catherine Townsend-Lyon is the bestselling author of Addicted to Dimes: Confessions of a Liar and a Cheat. She has fast become well known in many recovery communities and has a large following on social media. She shares her recovery journey through her blog, Gambling Recovery Starts Here. You may connect with Catherine on Twitter, Facebook and LinkedIn. catherinelyonaddictedtodimes.wordpress.com

Summer 2016

Submit your work to art@inrecoverymagazine.com

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Cross Talk

CrossTalk is based on the premise that recovery life is polytely: frequently, complex problem-solving situations characterized by the presence of not one, but several endings. This writing represents decades of recovery and its application to life and how to get over it, into it or through it with spunk, levity and a good dose of reality. What? You want more than happy, joyous and free? Get over it. Just sayin’. – Mollé

Dear Mollé, I am a newly sober tennis player. I do okay and can easily go to meetings when I’m at home, but it’s hard to get to meetings while on tour. There is an insane amount of drugs and alcohol that are literally handed to you in professional sports. I try to hide my sobriety and appear cool, but the shame and secrecy of my sobriety feels like the same aloneness I suffered when I was drinking and using.

I will lose my career if I don’t stay sober. That alone scares me sober, but it doesn’t mean I know how to be sober. I have to be able to build relationships with the endorsements and with the sponsors I need to stay in the game, but they are also the ones who expect me to drink with them. I am struggling to balance recovery and my career.

– I want both in Palm Desert Dear Wanting, Not buying it. These days, you can get to meetings just about anywhere you go. There are meetings in 70

almost every town. Online meetings can be a good resource for keeping anonymity while traveling.

Google “AA meetings for athletes” for more resources.

These meetings focus on specific recovery groups without violating AA’s Tradition Four. Doctors have doctors groups, attorneys have attorney groups and athletes have athlete groups, etc. Staying out of the public eye can be more challenging in today’s world. More and more people break their anonymity at public levels and may unintentionally break yours. You do have to be careful.

If you want to stay sober more than you want drink, however, you will find a way. Today it is a keyboard click away. You might also ask your home group buddies about a regular or impromptu Skype or Facetime meeting.

You don’t have to be alone; you do not have to figure this out by yourself. Many athletes need and have both a publically-demanding career and a solid, anonymous recovery. It may take strategizing on your part, but you can do it.

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Summer 2016

Dear Mollé, As a female college ice hockey player, in addition to training five days a week and traveling for away games, I have to regularly attend training camps where we are evaluated on every minor aspect of being an athlete – namely, my body. We have to weigh ourselves before and after every event, and that gets my mind spinning on the “you’re-notgood-enough” merry-go-round. It makes me want to throw up what I eat, not eat at all or get drunk – or all three.

I started going to AA for my drinking and now go to Overeaters Anonymous (OA) for my food issues. I’ve been able to hide this from my friends, but I just found out that one of my teammates is also in Twelve Step recovery. She doesn’t know that I know. I would like to reach out to her, but I don’t want to scare her. I also don’t want to put myself in a position to have my recovery revealed to others. – Torn in Minnesota

“Dear God, if it is Your will, give me the strength and courage to say something to this person – not one word more or one word less than what is needed. If it is not Your will, God, give me the strength and courage to be quiet.”

Then let it go. You will know if and when you need to take action.

Your teammate may need to be silent – or she may desperately need to know she is not alone. If this is the case, reconfirm your desire for privacy and share the journey. You may need her more than she needs you.

In closing, I feel compelled to mention that many athletes have eating disorders, often for the same reasons.

I encourage you to do some research, seek clinical help if needed and, as appropriate, find your peers. You are not the first athlete in recovery and you won’t be the last.

Dear Torn, I read your note and pictured you playing hockey drunk.

Yikes! I’m glad you are sober.

We are supposed to maintain anonymity at a public level, but that doesn’t mean we have to hide from each other.

Nor does that mean you have to break your anonymity, or mention anyone else’s.

Here is what has worked for me. I pray about it and then let it go. Try it. It works.

Summer 2016

The viewpoints shared or any implied actions suggested by Mollé are the opinions and ideas of the author only and do not represent those of In Recovery Magazine. The implied action is offered openly and is never intended to replace the advice of a healthcare professional. You may send your dilemmas to Mollé at crosstalk@inrecoverymagazine.com.

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Blind Faith

by John Keenan

I

’ve always hated the phrase “follow your dream.” But growing up in a small Kansas town, being labeled a dreamer wasn’t the worst thing I could have been called. Kansas is home to the Country Stampede Music Festival; the world of hip-hop music felt a million miles away, especially in the late 90s.

When I bought a multitrack cassette recorder in 1998, I thought I was about to make it big; but I also realized I had zero connections in the music industry, so no one would ever discover me.

When I entered Kansas State University as a sophomore in 2005, I was ready to work. Manhattan, Kansas, felt like a big city in which I could disappear; however, school wasn’t my priority. I’d lock myself in my apartment for days on end, continuing my self-taught education as an artist, engineer and producer. When I was in class, my mind would wander to whatever I was working on at home.

I had taken my first drink years earlier and knew instantly I loved it. In college with free time and no supervision, I could make all the music I wanted to make, but hadn’t quite realized I could also drink all the booze I wanted.

However, within my first year of being of legal drinking age, I had to admit myself to inpatient treatment.

While there, I made a giant life outline of what I was going to do when I got out of treatment – because I knew how to run my life so well. Under the health heading, I wrote, “I don’t drink.” That’s the most I ever thought about not drinking. Two weeks of treatment was enough for me.

I knew what I needed and what was best for me.

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Only three days out of treatment, I relapsed. My drinking and isolation quickly became substantially worse. But, I thought I was being productive. I thought I was working on something great. I would drink and make music until I passed out. When I came to the next morning, I would rush to listen to the previous night’s opus only to find it was a jumbled mess of sounds. Full of whiskey, everything had sounded great.

In the fall of 2007, I realized drinking was crippling me. I wanted to be sober and started to resent alcohol.

I would begin a new song; but whenever I’d hit a little bit of frustration or wasn’t inspired, I’d think I needed a drink to loosen myself up. One sip and I’d be off to the races until I’d black out. By March, I was back in inpatient treatment, and I was done – done being sick, miserable, frightened and ashamed.

For years I’d had a secret. I neatly evaded sharing my real passions and ambition. I never revealed what I was actually doing with my time and never spoke a word about my music. I loved being creative; but I was too afraid to share it, thus defeating the whole purpose of creating the music in the first place. Art needs to be received by someone, but my fear of rejection and feelings of inadequacy kept my gifts hidden; and drinking was a great way to sabotage myself.

After treatment, I went to a recovery home in Wichita, Kansas. I quickly realized that recovery is difficult work. My first year in recovery was tough, but life began to improve.

I began to feel better; my confidence grew; and my music was improving exponentially.

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Summer 2016

The recovery home I lived in housed 14 guys, so I couldn’t isolate in my room working on music. The program guidelines required that I have a fulltime job and stay active in the recovery community. The staff was supportive of my music; but if I was going to go anywhere with it, they knew I had to get out of my comfort zone. So, they pushed me out of my isolation. They made me put myself out there – handing out demos to strangers and performing at recovery dances.

By two years sober, I held in my hands my first real CD and was completely amazed. I had finally finished something.

My dream had actually materialized, and I knew that sobriety had made it all possible.

After four years of living in the recovery home, I found my own apartment. I had come full circle and was back where I had started when I left for college. When I finally moved in, I dropped to my knees and cried harder than ever before.

This time, my tears sprang from overwhelming gratitude.

it works. It may appear I know what I’m doing, but I’m always running on blind faith. In 2012, I released my first self-produced hip-hop album, Where I Went Wrong. My second album, Imagination to the Nation, was released in 2013. I recently finished my third album, The Illusion of Logic, which will be available in the summer of 2016.

I had always thought that drinking and drugging helped my creative process. Now I see that sobriety is the foundation upon which my true creativity is built. I’m still not a dreamer – never was. With both music and sobriety, I only do what’s right in front of me. I trust the process and leave the results to God. Recently, a guy asked me if I thought I’d ever “make it.”

I told him I already had.

John Keenan is an artist and producer from Great Bend, Kansas, residing in Phoenix, Arizona. He has been clean and sober since February of 2008. johnkeenanonline.com

My process isn’t always logical or realistic, but somehow

Summer 2016

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Deanna Lea Bloxom Brown 11.27.58 - 4.28.16 The Train: At birth we boarded the train and met our parents, and we believe they will always travel by our side. As time goes by, other people board the train; and they will be significant, i.e. our siblings, friends, children, and even the love of your life. However, at some station our parents will step down from the train, leaving us on this journey alone. Others will step down over time and leave a permenant vacuum. Some, however, will go so unnoticed that we don’t realize that they vacated their seats. This train ride will be filled with joy, sorrow, fantasy, expectations, hellos, goodbyes and farewells. Success consists of having a good relationship with all passengers requiring that we give the best of ourselves.

The mystery to everyone is: We do not know at which station we ourselves will step down. So, we must live in the best way, love, forgive, and offer the best of who we are. It is important to do this because when the time comes for us to step down and leave our seat empty we should leave behind beautiful memories for those who will continue to travel on the train of life.

I wish you all a joyful journey - Deanna (sent to her by her son, Craig)

Deanna shared it with me 2 weeks before she died and asked that I share it with all of you. - Kim Welsh

by Melissa Thornburg

D

eanna Lea Bloxom Brown, born November 27, 1958, was a beautiful, vivacious and charming woman on a mission. She wanted to help women get and stay sober, just as she had many years prior. She’d been clean and sober since August 2, 2001.

She was not only beautiful and vivacious, she was also a strong willed, service-oriented, fiercely tenacious and, yes, often stubborn, woman of service. She did not have an easy childhood – as a child, she suffered a significant amount of trauma from her parents – but her message was that healing can occur if one is willing to do the work. This experience gave her prodigious amounts of compassion for others who also suffered from addiction and trauma.

In 2012, she moves to Arizona to live with her brother Dean and his wife, Jil. It was there that she had the opportunity to open Skyhouse for Women in Fountain Hills, Arizona.

Although Deanna was not one to proselytize, she wanted to

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share God’s love with others and felt that starting a women’s sober living home was a perfect way for her to carry the message of recovery and God’s love.

In 2015, she was hired as Admissions Director for Decision Point of Prescott, Arizona. She was so excited to be working with a program and staff of integrity who were growing and changing in dynamic ways. Soon after, she discovered that she had cancer. Her first thought was one of gratitude for her recovery. She said, “God gets very loud when you’re dying . . . I know that God has another job for me [and] I already know it’s incredible.” She continued, “I’ll be in the beams of sunlight peeking out through the clouds; that’s where I’ll be.”

Deanna Lea Bloxom Brown left this earth on Thursday, August 28, 2016. She is survived by her parents, Lee and Melba Beedy Bloxom; Her brothers, Chad (Madison) and Brad (Dawn) Beedy, Dean (Jill) and Don Bloxom; and her children, Craig Otto and Jessica Sierens.

In Recovery Magazine

Summer 2016

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by Joshua Hoe

I

have been surrounded by music most of my life. I’ve managed bands, played in bands, attended thousands of concerts and listened to as much music as I possibly could. Until I hit rock bottom, however, I never looked at music as medicine.

For at least 20 years, I lived a secret life. I had a public persona in which I emulated what I thought other people wanted to see, and a private persona in which I hid all the things I thought people would never accept about me.

I was terrified what would happen if anyone ever saw the “real me.”

The truth is, somewhere along that confusing road, my life had become unmanageable. I was arrested in May of 2010, and suddenly became the star of my self-fulfilling prophecy. The secret life I thought I hid so well rapidly became public. As difficult as this may be to believe, this arrest was a blessing in disguise. Because of this crisis, I found recovery in June of 2010.

My lawyer suggested I start going to Twelve Step meetings.

I followed his advice and, for the first time in my entire life, found other people who understood exactly what I had been going through. I listened to what everyone had to say, started attending meetings and regular therapy sessions, and began building a program of recovery.

I have not had a relapse since, thank God! 76

My Program of Recovery My program of recovery is the sum of all the tools I find necessary to continue forward progress and to keep me from disaster. Music is one of those tools. I don’t look at my program as drudgery or obligation, nor do I look at it as something I use to solve my addiction problems. I look at it as the medicine that stands between me and catastrophe; it is my good friend and necessary partner.

I need to follow my program of recovery like a diabetic needs to follow a schedule of insulin injections. Recovery is about learning to effectively cope with addiction, not trying to overcome it.

The tools that work for me include the following: Going to meetings regularly Calling my sponsor and other recovery friends regularly and talking about situations with them that I don’t want to discuss with other people Going to therapy regularly Replacing negative acting-out behaviors with positive activities

Music as Medicine Have you ever experienced a time when music put you in a good mood? I can think of thousands of times. I’d get into

In Recovery Magazine

Summer 2016

my car in a bad mood; and just a few minutes later, I would find myself car dancing and singing loudly along with a great song. For me, music is powerful medicine.

Why does this happen? Our brains don’t want us to be stressed or upset. When we are triggered or upset, our brains attempt to map out the easiest path back to a relaxed, happy state of mind and body. As a preferred path to relaxation, an addict’s brain often puts an addictive cycle on autopilot. The addict’s self-defeating behaviors are

often powerful ways to release dopamine.

Music can also release dopamine* and help motivate us so we can accomplish the tasks of daily life. These emotional and chemical benefits can be conferred on us whether we are listening to Nirvana or to Brahms.

the day, or feelings of sadness or gloom.

Music can certainly be used to isolate; but when combined with the rest of my tools, it works to keep me in an emotionally healthy place. I listen to music every day.

Whenever possible, I write about music and communicate with other musicians and music lovers. This daily, positive substitution for my old negative behaviors helps me grow in my recovery.

For over five years, I have continued to live a progressively

happier and healthier life. I hope you find your own positive path to health and happiness. * Reference Medical Daily for more information about music as a catalyst for dopamine production: medicaldaily.com/your-brain-musichow-our-brains-process-melodies-pull-our-heartstrings-271007.

I can rewire the circuit in my brain that attempts to default to my addictive cycle by replacing negative behaviors with positive actions, resulting in positive emotional and chemical rewards. Music provides both benefits. As a former punk-rock drummer, music elicits a cathartic primal scream of joy in me that beats back the pressures of

Summer 2016

In Recovery Magazine

Joshua Hoe lives in Ypsilanti, Michigan. He carries his experience, strength and hope to other struggling addicts and sees writing as part of his amends process. He is the author of the eBook, Writing Your Own Best Story: Addiction and Living Hope, and is the primary author of the music blog On Pirate Satellite and the recovery blog Write Your Best Story. www.writeyourbeststory.com

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The True and Tangible Line

by Kevin Goff

A

few years have passed since I was first featured as an artist in In Recovery Magazine. I’m incredibly grateful to be part of this publication. It is certainly a different level of success, not for any reasons of notoriety or fame, but simply because my artwork is being showcased on a platform where I can truly speak to a different audience; a group of people with the common thread of recovery.

May 2, 2016, marked my eighth year of sobriety. Much has changed, and much has not. I still get up early in the morning and begin my day with gratitude. Even when I feel overworked and exhausted, I still approach life with a sense of innocence and wonder – the type found in my children’s eyes.

My oldest child and only son, Skye, is 13. I gained custody of him four years ago; and though trying at times, our relationship is nothing less than remarkable. My daughter, Autumn, will be five years old soon. Her beauty is boundless. She has an incredible sense of humor, and to meet her just once is to fall in love with her.

When I opened Autumn Sky Art Gallery and Custom Tattoo, my first tattoo shop, almost four years ago, it was clear that the energy and love that came from my kids would help support the new business and provide a positive momentum. Now in the dawn of

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opening my second tattoo parlor, it seems only fitting to keep with tradition and name it after my youngest daughter, Ivy. Though I’ve had less than a year with her, I can already see this little girl’s personality shining through her big, beautiful, greenish-blue eyes. She is a miracle, a creation of pure love. Saying there is unity amongst the siblings is an understatement. At times, I’m almost envious of the connection they share.

The new Ivy and Oak Tattoo Artist Studio is being built in a community redevelopment area, the historical Art District of Lake Park, Florida.

This area was in need of some fresh energy, and alongside a newlyrenovated theater and other art galleries, the area will surely prove to be a cultural creative hub.

I’m in my 18th year of tattooing. Though it may sound strange, I’m hoping that a second tattoo shop will actually allow me to slow down.

I want to spend more time on the on every tattoo I do, and I want to have more free time to raise my children and play. My hope is that Summer 2016

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when my time here is done, my children will reap the benefits of my hard work; and these beautiful businesses will compliment their lives as they grow and raise their own children.

My paintings are evolving. For awhile, I almost exclusively painted dead rock stars or celebrities. I still very much enjoy the connection I feel with these artists as I listen to their music and paint them; however, I’ve been exploring inanimate objects and shapes, and even working with more random patterns and textures in the background and such. I’m obsessed with the way light attaches itself to objects; I get lost in the cast of their shadows.

Painting is an extension of my spirit, a true and tangible line from canvas to my soul. There are many times when I’m painting simply for me that the finished product matters very little in comparison to the actual act of painting itself. It’s almost impossible to achieve that level of freedom when tattooing. I can’t imagine having any of these things nor being able to enjoy them if I were still using. I can remember the way I used to feel when I was trying to create artwork while high. I felt I was living a lie, cheating myself of the very essence of my being.

Recovery has given me more than just a life worth living; it has given back my true self. I am free to choose my dreams and I am fearless enough to pursue them all.

Kevin Goff is 38-year-old professional painter and tattoo artist. Originally from Massachusetts just outside of Boston, he now resides in Port St. Lucie, Florida, with his three children and fiance, Jessica. He is the owner operator of Autumn Sky Art Gallery and Custom Tattoo as well as Ivy and Oak Tattoo artist studio, both located in Palm Beach County. facebook.com/autumnskyeart

Summer 2016

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The Hospitality Rider

by J.A. Wright

I

’ve been sober since February 1985, and I’ve worked in the entertainment industry since 1992. My many jobs have included festival director, concert promoter and show producer. I’m also familiar with just about every type of production job related to staging a show. I’m sure

I’m not the only promoter who’s watched in terror as an artist drank his or her way through a show – sometimes slurring a song or stumbling through a performance – only to have that same artist hang around backstage after the show, drinking what was left of the hospitality rider before demanding more.

The entertainment business is a weird, fast-paced industry – an industry that requires a bit of risk taking, attention to detail, good manners and a helpful disposition. But it’s also an industry that has a history of enabling artists and their crews to drink and/or use drugs before, during and after a performance or, at the very least, turning a blind eye to it.

Don’t get me wrong; I’m not opposed to people drinking and drugging. I accept the industry practice that requires me, as the promoter, to supply and pay for food and booze.

However, I like to keep the amount I supply within reason,

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J.A. Wright was raised in the Pacific Northwest and moved to New Zealand in 1990. She is the founder and director of the World Buskers Festival (1994 to 2014) and the New Zealand Jazz and Blues Festival (1997 to present). With more than 30 years in recovery from drug and alcohol addiction, she spent years crafting her recently published novel, How to Grow an Addict. jawright.net

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AZI

Being sober in this industry hasn’t always been a good thing, but it’s beginning to pay off for many of us. I know a few sober sound and technical operators who tour with sober artists because they are sober. I also know that I can predict what type of show experience I can expect by reading an artist’s hospitality/catering rider.

Beyon

AG RY M

Working on a production with sober performers and crews usually means the entire experience, from the pack-in to the pack-out, will be smooth and stress-free. This welcome change has not only saved me money, it’s provided a few opportunities to work with talented and sober artists who aren’t shy about sharing their recovery journey. Once they learned I was on a similar path, the promoter-artist interaction often became something more than just getting a show produced.

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Thankfully, things have been changing for the better over the past ten years. With more artists being clean and sober, and touring with sober production crews, the alcoholinduced, awkward episodes are few and far between. In fact, I’ve only had to provide what I consider to be an exceptional amount of alcohol to two performers in the past two years. The other 60 artists I dealt with were happy to limit their drinking or abstain altogether.

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I’ve borrowed handcrafted wine glasses for a jazz musician.

I’ve even snuck a 12 pack of microbrewed beer into the green room of an artist who toured with the Eagles, bypassing a sober Eagle’s desire for a tour booze ban. Even the fifth of Jack Daniels I set on a dressing table next to a pack of Camels and six black coffee mugs per Eagle Joe Walsh’s (aka Zorro) rider was unopened when I went into his green room after the show started.

Don’t miss a single issue of In Recovery Magazine.

Inspiring stories, informative articles and dozens of resources fill the pages.

ECO VE

Over the years, I’ve spent more money on artists’ alcohol and have gone to greater lengths to get the type and brand they’ve requested than I ever would have for myself. I’ve provided a case of champagne for a touring party of eight and hunted down special bourbon and whiskey as outlined in an artist’s rider under the heading of “No Substitutes – No Exceptions.”

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as no one appreciates an intoxicated performer. It’s a bad look for them and for me.

iction Face Add Families ne Sunserhi Mitchell A Ray of thy Tavenn Ka

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In Recovery Magazine is looking for individuals and organizations around the world who go above and beyond in the name of RECOVERY. Contact us today and tell us your story.

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inrecoverymagazine.com 83

The Moving Canvas

by Ann Balowski

I

magine you’re in treatment, sitting in the same room every day for months. You know the exact number of tiles on the ceiling and you can recite the slogans on the wall by heart. If you’re lucky enough, the room has windows that you can stare out as you wonder what the weather’s like. You can barely hear the facilitator because your thoughts are louder than the words. There is some great information to learn, but you just want to run out the door screaming.

Or you might be sitting in an office telling someone about your life struggles, but there is still part of you that doesn’t want to share too much. You know the lingo. You know what to say to get yourself out of that office, or to get more meds. You want to get better; you want to recover. You want your life to improve, yet you still want to run out the door screaming.

What if:

You could be outside in the forest under the open sky while birds flew above you?

You could lead an incredible creature around as you listened to what it has to teach you?

You could lean on a strong, gentle creature that could take away your pain and, in return, heal you?

You could learn about triggers, control, communication, meditation and relationships while in an arena where horses roam?

No matter how hard you pretend that you are not feeling what you are feeling, your equine partner sees through that lie?

Your recovery group met in such a place, with such creatures?

You were as much a part of your horse’s healing as he is of yours?

You could see yourself standing strong and confident?

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What if someone said to you, “Let’s go paint some horses.”

This idea may be completely out of your realm of comfort and a challenge that might lead you into “not knowing.”

Would an experience like this increase your desire to learn and participate in your own recovery? When we are challenged in new ways and by new methods, we typically don’t respond in the same old ways. Our thinking is tested, as are our destructive belief systems and survival behaviors.

For millennia, horses have known the secret to survival.

They very quickly move from being “at ease” to being “at attention” and back to “at ease.” Their nervous systems are not taxed by constant stressing. They have the ability to selfregulate, which saves them the wear and tear of anxiety. For the most part, we humans have forgotten how to do this.

We grab hold of something scary and make it even bigger than it is. We see danger around every corner and live in fear that “it” will get us at any moment. We hide or run away from “it” in everything we do.

Equine-assisted Learning (EAL) and Equine-assisted Psychotherapy (EAP) create a space for people to observe and learn. It offers an opportunity to experience the natural equine power of discernment and to practice the dynamics of Re-Circle, Pressure/Pain and other life-changing concepts.

The Moving Canvas is an EAL/EAP experience that encourages the creativity portion of the brain as participants paint a therapy horse. The Heroes & Horses program in Skull Valley, Arizona, offers this experience as just one of many ways to encourage learning and healing – learning that occurs when one’s body, mind and spirit are engaged in a physical and spiritual process.

Most of us have heard the saying, “When the student is ready, the teacher appears.” Using The Moving Canvas, the teacher is an animal that is uninhibited by the need to be liked or by feelings of guilt, shame or inadequacy. The horse is always in the present moment.

This exercise – creating symbols and metaphors in color, all while experiencing sadness, happiness and movement – is shared with a magic steed that helps the participant

In Recovery Magazine

Summer 2016

focus, stay in the present and, for a moment, leave the past behind. This exercise allows things to shift within one’s psyche – and just enough time to embrace and celebrate one’s own spirit.

but often we have no idea of exactly what to do. To mend, we must wade through all that has gotten in the way of our health and survival. Change within occurs sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly.

A safe, yet challenging, environment in the natural world speaks to a primitive part of us. Here participants can shed the trappings of domestication and go to a primal part of themselves – back to the basics of their authentic selves. The colors carefully painted on the domesticated, once untamed, horse magically transform into a mystical representation of one’s past, present and future.

It provides the perfect environment for creativity to emerge.

The unveiling of a human being in the presence of an equine partner is a gift to the Heroes & Horses facilitators. Our magnificent horses stand tall and solid for those who have not trusted in many years. We have seen tears, anger and frustration on the faces of individuals who had previously been unable to express any emotion. We’ve seen determination and courage as they’ve overcome their fears. We love what we do. We love the fact that our horses have been rescued; and that, in return, they pass that rescue on to those who need it most.

Addicts have been distracted from their inner selves in some very destructive ways: drugs, alcohol, sex, food, shopping, gambling – compulsive and addictive anything. Despite these distractions, the void inside an addict becomes deeper; and the destruction of self, family and friends becomes greater.

The Moving Canvas provides a fun, creative and healthy distraction. Painting a horse can create just enough mental and physical distraction to encourage the emergence of the participant’s accumulated subconscious learning. Speaking through the horse, painting and feeling, the authentic self emerges and releases pent-up anxiety.

We humans instinctively want to land on our feet. We unconsciously try to heal our wounds. With addiction, these instincts are temporarily misplaced. We may have attempted to shift our focus to the solution to our problems, Summer 2016

Our many thanks to the Lucky Club Rescue organization for horses and to Cherie MacKenzie, who opened her Big Horse Ranch and her heart to our program. Andrea Walker brings a lifetime of equine experience in addition to Equine Assisted Growth and Learning Association (EAGALA) certification. The Moving Canvas is art for the soul. Come be a part of this wonderful experience.

Ann Balowski, over 34 years ago, began her journey creating healing environments for people seeking life changes. Heroes & Horses, a For Clarity program, creates such an environment. Ann is a recovery life coach and EAP provider who believes in the power of horses. forclaritycompany.com

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Recovery Today

Our favorite tips and humor for people traipsing the Road of Happy Destiny

Heard it a Meeting

“Anything worth doing is worth doing wrong a couple of times.”

New guy to his sponsor: “I love everyone in the meetings!”

Sponsor: “Then you are not going to enough meetings.”

“It works if you work it, it won’t if you don’t.”

“Don’t believe everything you think.”

“Feelings are not facts.”

“Listen to what you know instead of what you fear.”

“It’s not awful, it’s not terrible, it’s slightly inconvenient.”

“Nothing on the outside is the problem.”

“I realized I was swimming laps in a pool of fear.”

I Got This!

T

he three most dangerous words in recovery may be “I got this!”

What makes recovery work for me is the humility I have learned in the rooms. Humility isn’t mentioned until Step Seven, but it is a necessary ingredient in each of the Twelve Steps.

One element of an effective bottoming out in addiction is the unusual clarity brought about by the thorough defeat of the part of the ego that tells us “I got this.” It was what made me teachable for one of the first times in my life. It made me want what others in the Twelve Step meeting rooms had. It was what allowed me to make and keep a conscious contact with a Higher Power.

My entrance into recovery was the first time I became willing to consider the existence of a Higher Power. I have since learned that conscious contact with my Higher Power can’t be done with my ego in I-got-this mode. I must have some level of humility before my Higher Power’s guidance can get through to me. I hear people talk about getting on their knees to pray. I’m pretty sure that kneeling is not an absolute requirement, but it is hard not to be humble when you are on your knees.

It has been said that attitude is everything. If you want to connect with your Higher Power, develop a humble attitude about it. If you have trouble making conscious contact, try getting on your knees to acknowledge that the power to which you pray is truly a Higher Power. After all, who are you to say that those who pray this way are wrong?

This is a program of action. If we don’t put into action what we learn in the rooms, it is only theory and has no power to change our lives. Praying can be construed as an action, getting on your knees even more so.

Try it. Unless you “got this,” that is.

Will Hepburn (April 19, 1983) is a professional money manager in Prescott, Arizona, specializing in strategies that Adapt to Changing Markets(R). He is a college instructor, has managed two mutual funds and is a past president of the National Association of Active Investment Managers. We’d love to hear from you. Send your contributions to: editor@inrecoverymagazine.com

Summer 2016

In Recovery Magazine

Advertising Index Alpha Treatment Network . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 09 Art of Recovery Expo . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 23 Bella Monte Recovery . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 63 Billing Solutions . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 89 BiocorRX . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 39 Blueprints to Recovery . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 37 Calvary Addiction Center . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 57 Camelback Recovery . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 21 Canyon Crossing Recovery . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 27 Center for Addiction Nutrition . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 45 Chapter 5 Recovery . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 07 Decision Point Center . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . inside cover Embark Recover. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 55 EqualTox Labs . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 71 Gallus Detox . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 11 Heroes & Horses . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 86 Hepburn Capital . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 37 Life Transformation Recovery . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 39 Midwest Recovery Centers . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 01 Monarch Life Coaching . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 51 My 12 Step Store . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 29 Prescott House for Men . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 41 Serene Scene . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 88 Specialty Health Products . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 75 State of Recovery Conference . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 67 Steps to Recovery Homes . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 54 Teen Challenge . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 77 Valor Behavioral Healthcare . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 53 Viewpoint Dual Recovery . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . back cover WSCAD Conference . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 73 Wilderness First . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 59 Wurth Organizing . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 47

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New Vision.

New Hope.

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Viewpoint Dual Recovery Center’s comprehensive, holistic treatment program maintains that addiction and co-occurring disorders require consideration of the mind, body and soul of each client. In addition, we provide our clients with the latest evidence-based, client-focused treatment for addiction and psychiatric disorders.

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of high-quality programs and services aimed at the prevention, education and resolution of addictive disorders and behavioral health issues. The foundation of our programs is the special emphasis we place on the value and worth of the individual. Viewpoint’s knowledgeable and progressive experts in the treatment of dual diagnosis are committed to delivering quality care in a safe, nurturing environment.

Viewpoint Dual Recovery Center programming is designed for individuals diagnosed with

depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, anxiety and panic disorders and other affective disorders. This innovative program provides individualized treatment based on in-depth evaluation and a client’s case history. Our bio-psycho-social-spiritual approach integrates a full range of treatment options that meet each client’s specific needs.

Call Now 877.777.5150

www.viewpointdualrecovery.com