INSECURITY RAGAZINE ISSUE 09 by Tanata Productions LLC

THE

SPRING CLEANING ISSUE

GET DOWN

ON ALL FOURS

SUCK IT BUGS! LIP SERVICE BREAKING THE LAST TABBOO

SQUAT

NOT BOUGHT

DIJON VU MUSTARD WATER'S FOUNTAIN OF YOUTH

MY PLACE HIS SPACE FROM BRR TO BARE URBAN SPRING KNUCKLES MONTONE

THE RETURN

OF REBOUND GIRL AND MUCH

MORE! MAY 2011

INSECURITY R AG A Z IN E

CONTENTS

>our insecurities

>raggedy man

FROM THE EDITOR MEET THE WRITERS

>hemlines 10 12

DIJON VU SUCK IT BUGS

>rag times 14

SQUAT NOT BOUGHT

28 31

REBOUND GIRL RETURNS IF YOU CAN'T HAMMER IT OUT, HAMMER IT! SPRING INTO ACTION

>hanging by a thread 32 34 36

AUNTIE MAME, NOT AUNTIE LAME LIP SERVICE FROM BRR TO BARE

>ragamuffin

>waxing poetic

LOOK LIKE AN URBAN SPRING

40 42

GET DOWN ON ALL FOURS KNUCKLES MONTONE ASTROLOGICAL STATUS UPDATE WHAT YOU LEARNED

>insecurious 22

MY PLACE: HIS SPACE

C O N TE N TS

EDITOR-IN-CHIEF DESIGN DIRECTOR EXECUTIVE EDITOR FASHION DIRECTOR EXECUTIVE MANAGING EDITOR DEPUTY EDITOR EDITORIAL BRAND DIRECTOR PHOTOGRAPHY DIRECTOR

MEET THE INSECURE TEAM BEAUTY ASSOCIATE BEAUTY EDITOR BEAUTY ASSISTANT

Penny Thurman Nice Reve

ART DIRECTOR CARICATURE DESIGN ENTERTAINMENT DIRECTOR BEAUTY DIRECTOR DEPUTY ARTICLES EDITOR

FEATURES SENIOR EDITOR WRITING STAFF

ART DEPUTY ART DIRECTOR SENIOR DESIGNER DIGITAL IMAGE SPECIALIST ART MANAGER

Annette Riley Leland Burt Delora Rogowski Chandra Robbins

FASHION INTERPRETE HAUTE COUTURE FASHION AND ACCESSORIES MARKET DIRECTOR SENIOR FASHION MARKET EDITOR ACCESSORIES EDITOR FASHION ASSISTANT SENIOR FASHION EDITOR SENIOR BOOKING EDITOR FASHION EDITOR ASSOCIATE FASHION EDITOR

Neno Avendre Pat Parr Norma Chu Madison Hearst Tabitha Michelson Luther Evans Cara Polk Olive Wright Kellee June

Melanie Worhtiam Eddie Fuentes Beatriz Romano Valasquez Anneler Stephen Barrett Tim Alford Tamara Ellison Clara T. Joseph Dunne Nick Byron Susan Wilson Sheryn Braun Selena Gleason

KNUCKLES MONTONE EXECUTIVE ASST. TO EDITOR-IN-CHIEF EDITORIAL ASSISTANT MEDICAL ADVISORY BOARD

Harriet Bonaparte Rebecca Rhodus, Shawna Richardson, Jennifer Coosebury, Annabella Oreksya, Deirdre Trol-Stevens, Tabby Malloy, Margo Van Norte, Torie Baxley, Rosie Salazar, Kym Tyler-Donnelly, Annabelle Mason, Doreen Canasto, Debbie Kinkokan, Bretty Kyley, Lavontor Smith, Teri Foxx, Chatterly Pendleton, Anna Simone Sinclair, Roberta Anne Jackson Robert Monegan Patrick Michaels Scottie Coffman Dr. Timothy Kirchhoefer

INSECURITYRAG.COM SENIOR WEB DEVELOPER WEB EDITOR BEAUTY EDITOR

Benjamin T. Haynes, Esquire Lucile Xiong Mauro Holcomb

PHOTO PRODUCER PHOTOGRAPHER HAIR AND MAKE-UP WARDROBE STYLING PROP STYLING SENIOR PHOTO EDITOR, RESEARCH PHOTO PRODUCTION ASSOCIATE ASSOCIATE EDITOR, RESEARCH COPY AND RESEARCH COPY AND RESEARCH DIRECTOR DEPUTY COPY CHIEF RESEARCH EDITOR COPY EDITOR

Clara T. Midori Sauer Bubba P. Meme Meeetropolis Dub P. Audrey Goldstein Kyle Dawson Corina Manchester Margarito Burroughs Tim Pulnik Jaques Barry Bettie Branch Frank Leischman

ADVERTISING & SALES ADVERTISING DIRECTOR DIRECTOR OF MARKETING STRATEGY EXECUTIVE BEAUTY DIRECTOR ADVERTISING SERVICES DIRECTOR

MARKETING & PROMOTION MARKETING DIRECTOR CREATIVE SERVICES DIRECTOR ART DIRECTOR PROMOTION DIRECTOR ASSOCIATE PROMOTION DIRECTOR SPECIAL PROJECTS MANAGER PROMOTION COORDINATOR

INSECURITY R AG A Z IN E

Leo Stiles Jimmy Arlene Maureen Cooper Alfred Miles

Michelle Vincent Amy Gengler Laurel Holland Vikki Schnurr David LaCascia Marlena Pineda Milos Pellerin

C O N TE N TS

>our insecurities FROM THE

EDITOR WE ALL WANT TO BE PERFECT. It's a simple thought, an idea that forms inside of your head before you've had time to wonder where it came from. Although it has dawned on me that wishes sometimes come true, I must admit that I fall far from the perfect tree when living my day-to-day life. In fact, I don't know many people who are perfect, but I'm blessed to live with a man who makes me want to be better than I know I am, my loving, wonderful, devoted husband Robert, or Bob as he's known to those who adore him. When I first noticed Bob, I was a mess. My career as an actress, although fulfilling and fun, wasn't allowing me to perform in front of the number of people I felt I needed to be successful. My marriage was in a shambles and coming to an end when this clever man with a big personality and big ideas started asking me about "my" life, and "my" dreams, something that Charles had never even bothered wondering about. As we talked more and more, Bob (or "Robert" as I knew him then) opened my eyes beyond the train ride between my Montclair New Jersey home and the city where I tried to hide from an unmotivated husband and a hyper-sensitive career. It was Bob who convinced me that I needed to make a change and become the person who I knew I always wanted to be, but had never met in real life. A few months later, I gathered the courage to file for divorce, fire my agent, and begin a new life with this big man who used little words to change lives. 6

INSECURITY R AG A Z IN E

And so began my life as a writer. Many of you know me from my blogs or the lifestyle articles I've published in various publications throughout the years. After some encouragement from my hubby, I decided to apply for the job at Insecurity Ragazine, and here I am writing to all of you as Editorin-Chief of what I believe to be the new voice of Women's Fashion and a loud proponent of Women's Lives. Over the past two years, Insecurity Ragazine has seen a lot of turmoil and indecision. When Josephine hired me, she asked that I start by doing two things: simplifying our message and finding ways to grow our audience. It is my goal over the next few months to do both. The topic for this month is Spring Cleaning and it couldn't have come at a better time. After all, it was spring when I married Bob and began a new chapter in my career. It's spring again here at the Ragazine as well, and I've asked our staff to embrace the changes that we're making and write about the things in their lives that they want to transform. After this issue, we're going to take a few months off to re-steady our footing, but we'll be back in August with a whole new season of the Ragazine you've come to know and love. In the end, it may not be perfect, but it will be a whole lot better than it's been. MELANIE WORTHIAM EDITOR IN CHIEF INSECURITY RAGAZINE

O U R I N S E C U R I TI E S

MEET THE

WRITERS

SINCE A NUMBER OF US HERE AT THE RAG ARE CAMERA SHY, WE ASKED THE INCREDIBLE NICK BYRON TO ILLUSTRATE OUR STAFF WRITERS SO THAT YOU MAY COME TO LOVE THEM AS MUCH AS WE DO. OVER THE NEXT FEW MONTHS WE'LL BE SPENDING MORE TIME INTRODUCING THEM TO YOU.

MELANIE WORTHIAM EDITOR IN CHIEF

MELANIE WORTHIAM

SQUAT NOT BOUGHT How To Own Today's Fashions Three Days From Now.

KIM TYLER-DONNELLY

DIJON VU Mustard Water's Fountain of Youth.

LOOK LIKE AN URBAN SPRING Spring Cleaning Checklist for the Urban Gal.

JENNIFER COOSEBURY

TABBI MALLOY

SUCK IT BUGS Don't Let Allergens Ruin Your Spring.

SHAWNA RICHARDSON

INSECURITY R AG A Z IN E

MY PLACE HIS SPACE Give Him The DeClutter Bug for Spring.

CORRINA JULIAN

REBECCA RHODUS

DEIRDRE TROL-STEVENS

ANNABELLE OREKSYA

RBOUND GIRL She's Back!

LIP SERVICE Breaking the Last Taboo.

STAFF WRITER

EDIE MICKENS

FROM BRRR TO BARE Waste Not Want Not Projects for the Spring

DOREEN CANASTO STAFF WRITER

ANNABELLE MASON STAFF WRITER

DR. JOYCE KISSINGER

STAFF WRITER

O U R I N S E C U R I TI E S

>hemlines

DIJON VU MUSTARD WATER'S

FOUNTAIN OF YOUTH FIRST THEY CAME FOR THE POMEGRANATES and I didn’t drink it because it made my mouth feel icky. Then they came for the acai berries, and I was all like, I’d rather have Pinkberry, duh. Then they came for the coconuts, but my hangover didn’t go away. Then…I ran out of choices. So what’s the next hot drink to supplement your diet, cleanse your chi, and anti your oxidants? The answer sits in your very own fridge, somewhere between the ketchup and mayonnaise…wait, look behind the pickles? Check in the vegetable drawer, sometimes I put—no? Oh, there it is: mustard water. Yes, the very same liquid that hides at the top of the bottle, ready to sog your hot dog bun unless you shake the stupid thing! Ladies, you can leave the shaking to the weights, because that yellow water has turned gold.

Modern technology has made the extract much more accessible in its liquid form. Drinking it will cleanse your body, irritating pesky thetans and your bowels! It’s an acquired taste, so ease it into your diet by blending it with some of your favorite fruits, veggies, or meats!

I’ve started using M-Dubs on my skin as well, covering my whole body once when I wake up and again just before bed. I’ve noticed a new, luminous sheen to my complexion, attracting stares from the local hotties and hot dog vendors. The treatment completely replaced my bathing routine, so I can be out the door in no more than two hours! Once every few days I shed away the pale yellow skin like a snake bursting from a cocoon. Though, be sure to The discovery came from renowned dietologist dispose of the skin immediately to avoid an and good friend of moi, Dr. Sean Cooper. invasion of annoying ants. And birds. They go "The mustard seeds" revitalizing properties straight for the fingers. have been used for hundreds of years in countries like Nepal and Western China. To benefit from this hot new tonic you must "The people would grind the seeds into a pick the right type for the job. I’ve put together fine powder, snorting it off of each other’s a simple guide to take with you to your nearest bodies, revitalizing their bodies and minds for grocery store ceremonial beheadings and bestial orgies long into the night." 10

INSECURITY R AG A Z IN E

"THE ANSWER SITS SOMEHWERE BETWEEN THE KETCHUP AND THE MAYONNAISE" YELLOW

The standard, also the cheapest. Great for your morning shake, or slip a little in your coffee to keep from crashing later in the day.

SPICY BROWN

This water often includes bits of seeds, making it a great exfoliant. Just be ready for the burning sensation (that means it’s working!)

DIJON

Can be used as an alternative to wine. Goes great with steak.

HONEY MUSTARD

Great for douching. Increases your sex drive, and leaves him licking his lips.

BEER MUSTARD

Spray on like perfume before hitting the bars to create a pheromone like effect on men. Added bonus, they’ll think you’re a down-toearth, beer drinkin’ gal when you’ve only had a diet sugar-free light vodka-cran! While the science behind its “magical” properties is not fully understood, it has had no problems passing FDA standards. This comes as good news for Dr. Coop, as you’ll expect to see his line of mustard beverages, “Super ‘Tard”, alongside your favorite replenishers this spring season! CRYSTAL ST. GIBBONS

HEMLINES

SUCK IT BUGS! DON'T LET ALLERGENS RUIN YOUR SPRING

IT'S IMPORTANT TO ELIMINATE ALLERGIES BEFORE THEY BECOME A PROBLEM. Everyone dusts and although some people may remember to vacuum the top of the mattress, they always forget the inside of the box springs where dust and dust mites seek sanctuary. A few extra minutes spent each spring can save you a lot of discomfort the rest of the year.

WHAT YOU'LL NEED: PLASTIC SHOWER CURTAIN OR PLASTIC TARP, VACUUM CLEANER, PARING KNIFE, ELECTRIC HEDGETRIMMER. To start off, you'll want to strip the bed of all its bed clothes, slide the mattress out of the way, and lay down a plastic tarp on to which you'll want to set your box spring. Ideally, you'll have lain everything down in close proximity to an electric socket. Insert a paring knife in the side of the mattress about midway from the floor and make an incision in both the long and short ends of the box spring on the side furthest from the bedroom door. If it's a newer box spring and resists the paring knife, try borrowing a neighbor's electric hedge trimmer. Once the incision has been completed, peel the top of the box spring or mattress like a pita pocket. At first the sight of all that dust and padding in there may seem overwhelming, but fear not. It's well worth it in the long run.

INSECURITY R AG A Z IN E

Carefully remove each bed spring and set them aside in the order you removed them. You'll need these again in about an hour when you re-install them. Once they're all out, vacuum the inside of the mattress or box spring cavity, being sure to vacuum up any stray polyfoam padding, dust or dust mites. Gingerly wipe each spring with a paper towel and replace the springs back in the box just like they were. Carefully duct tape the box spring along the incision, or if you have a full day, stitch the halves together with fishing line --it's important to leave a straight edge on the seal, so take your time. You can repeat the process with the mattress, reapply the bed covers, take a well-deserved nap. Now you can breathe easy. It feels good doesn't it? JENNIFER COOSEBURY HEMLINES

>rag times

SQUAT NOT BOUGHT HOW TO OWN TODAY'S FASHIONS THREE DAYS FROM NOW MONEY MAY MAKE THE WORLD GO ROUND, but it's no longer greasing the runways of fashion's most influential new movement, Fashion Squatting. Originating in Auvers-surOise, France, today's youth find themselves in the awkward position of fitting into the latest designs without the pocket change needed to take them home. By employing tactics used by the seventeenth century Diggers and channeling one's inner Sid Vicious, you too can find yourself writing the life of fashion anarchy's latest chapter of Squat et Urbanisme. The impetus of the Fashion Squat germinated around a little known policy of department stores and boutiques abandoning merchandise that had been tried on more than 20 times in a single week. Security cameras and dressing room personnel fastidiously tracked a garments lifeline on the backs of unsuspecting consumers who were encouraged to "try before you buy", a practice abhorred and disdained by most couturiers. French youth, eager to embrace their country's most important export, noticed that shops were destroying items deemed too soiled by the general masses. Unable to stomach this abhorrent practice, a revolution of sorts began in the streets and alleyways of provincial Parisian townships, and marched through gay Paris itself into the world's consciousness. These brave boys and 14

INSECURITY R AG A Z IN E

girls of the Resistance have given us the tools to fight tyranny and liberate all clothing from the greedy hands of the mercantile. "So how does it work?", you're probably asking yourself. It's easy. The only thing you need to do is to wear a new piece of fashion clothing for three days in a row without getting caught. After the third day, the retailer will no longer be able to sell it or return it and will be forced to let you have it. Although a very simple concept to digest, it does come with the usual perils surrounding the fashion industry. Lucky for you, thousands of French citizens have perfected the method and have come up with some easy to follow suggestions to use when you walk through a retailer’s door.

CROSS DRESS

If you're a boy, dress like a girl. If you're a girl, dress like a boy. Even thought it is considered a right in France, Americans are notoriously uncomfortable with cross dressing. Use this to your advantage as you feign a medical melt down and ask the shop clerks for some time and space to figure out if you're a fall, winter or spring. By standing in a corner or finding a window dressing to talk to, you'll find that most clothing staffers will find it easier to leave you alone than ask you to disrobe in front of the entire store.

"IT'S EASY. THE ONLY THING YOU NEED TO DO IS TO WEAR A NEW PIECE OF FASHION CLOTHING FOR THREE DAYS IN A ROW WITHOUT GETTING CAUGHT. AFTER THE THIRD DAY, THE RETAILER WILL NO LONGER BE ABLE TO SELL IT OR RETURN IT, AND WILL BE FORCED TO LET YOU HAVE IT."

R AG TI M E S

INSECURITY R AG A Z IN E

STREET PERFORMANCE

If there's one thing that retailers love, it's free entertainment. By offering your services as a musician, palm reader or serious lesbian Stanislavsky expert, you should find the width and breadth needed to load up on the fashion while practicing a profession that wouldn't normally be able to afford it.

INTERIOR PAINTING

Originally used as a street performing mime trick, it was quickly discovered that mimes could not enhance their traditional garb with DOLCE & GABBANA without being brought into question. The tactic was quickly adjusted to embrace the ever jump-suited interior painter who always seemed to change shape and was known for spending several days painting two inches of trim. Although this is the most popular method of Fashion Squatting, it has recently come under criticism by the more radical members of the movement as being both cowardly and vulgar. It should be noted that this group made similar statements about mimes.

ARGUING THE PRICE

Not as well known for its success rate as it is for its familiarity, the practice of taking three days to argue the price of a garment you are wearing certainly presents itself as the most challenging (and exciting) tactic known to date. The trick to this method is to start with a low-level salesperson and work your way up to a company executive located somewhere in Des Moines. It is important to pace yourself, drink plenty of fluids and be able to fake a foreign accent or two if possible (three is optimal). Although this technique is fraught with danger, it has been shown to sometimes take less than the standard three days to achieve. Use at your own risk. SHAWNA RICHARDSON

R AG TI M E S

>waxing poetic

LOOK LIKE AN URBAN SPRING SPRING CLEANING CHECKLIST FOR THE URBAN GAL

Remember back in the old days when women used to clean? Not to date myself or anything, but I can vividly recall that at the first hint of warm weather, my mother would pick up the phone and order new bedding from the L.L. Bean catalogue, and have the cleaning lady air out every curtain in the house and scrub all the linoleum floors. Sometimes the silver would even get polished! Nowadays, everyone lives in city apartments and it can be a bit confusing about how to adjust in the 21st Century. To solve this dilemma, I have created a fool-proof, hassle-free Spring Cleaning Checklist for the busy modern urban woman which will not only leave you with spic-and-span living quarters, but will free up some much needed “me” time!

STEP ONE: ORGANIZE THE TAKEOUT MENUS

Start by throwing away any duplicates. Next, ditch any restaurant that you haven’t ordered from yet. If you haven’t dialed their number by now, there’s probably a good reason for it. If you have ever forgotten to tip a delivery guy EVER, throw away the menu from that establishment. Seriously. I found out about this the hard way. Lastly, put the remaining menus in a binder with tabs for each category “Chinese”, “Pizza” “Diner” “Breakup food” etc. If you have time, program each phone number into your cell phone “favorites” so you can order on your way back from the gym. ESTIMATED TIME SAVED PER YEAR: 76 HOURS

INSECURITY R AG A Z IN E

STEP TWO: OVERHAUL YOUR LAUNDRY SYSTEM

Many apartments still don’t have the capacity for both washers and dryers. That’s perfectly fine, but at no point should you ever consider spending half a day in a public Laundromat, (or even the basement of your building). Find a laundry service that picks up and delivers. If you can’t find one that suits you, start introducing yourself to your neighbors until you find a non-English speaking grandmother in a rentcontrolled unit that you can give the job to. Just think - you can spend an extra three hours in the gym on Saturdays, and not give this annoying task another thought! ESTIMATED TIME SAVED PER YEAR: 145 HOURS

STEP THREE: INVEST IN A STORAGE UNIT

They have these all over the city, and are a must for the single gal with limited square footage. Collect all the clothes that aren’t from the current season, and all the boxes of college papers,

postcards, playbills from shows, and anything else that isn’t being used on a regular basis, and find a moving service and storage unit immediately! You’ll be so enthralled with the endless surfaces and positive chi that you’ll be tempted to run out to Restoration Hardware and purchase something fabulous. Keep it to one item, unless it’s bookends or fireplace ornaments and then you may buy two for visual consistency. ESTIMATED TIME SAVED PER YEAR: TECHNICALLY NONE, BUT THE INCREASE IN MENTAL HEALTH MAY SAVE A FEW HOURS WITH YOUR THERAPIST

STEP FOUR: SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP

If you don’t have a cleaning professional on your payroll, you need to remedy this pronto! Life is too short to Windex fingerprints or sort garbage from recyclables. Ask around and see if anyone has a reliable cleaning lady who won’t steal your iPad. If not, call a service such as Merry Maids and book them just one single time. When your Merry Maid arrives, corner her and offer her cash to work directly through you. These companies pay nothing and she’ll probably jump at the chance. Offer half of what the Merry Maids' invoice is and don’t give an inch. If she tries to haggle, remind her that there IS a recession going on. ESTIMATED TIME SAVED PER YEAR: 31-497 HOURS DEPENDING ON HOW MUCH YOU NORMALLY CLEAN What will you do with all your new free time? How about writing a letter to your future daughters and granddaughters telling them that no matter how much the world changes, some things remain the same, and a good, hard, spring cleaning will always be a family tradition! KYM TYLER-DONNELLY

WAX I N G PO E TI C

INSECURITY R AG A Z IN E

>welcome!

RAGVERTISE WITH THE WORLD’S FIRST ONLINE FASHION RAGAZINE

INSECURITY RAGAZINE IS TO FASHION what the Colbert Report is to politics. At Insecurity Ragazine, our goal is to become the de-facto lunch destination of women everywhere, a Lunchzine in the spirit of The Onion. Insecurity Ragazine presents women with an alternative venue to share their experiences and find great stories using innovative page turning technology. Combining a monthly online periodical with a community driven website, Insecurity Ragazine will provide a unique location for women’s voices and humor, unlike any found in today’s marketplace.

FOR MORE INFORMATION, TO SPEAK WITH OUR ADVERTISING TEAM OR FOR PRICING, SEND US AN EMAIL AT:

RAGVERTISE@INSECURITYRAG.COM OR LEAVE A MESSAGE AT:

724-964-6727 (RAG-96-INSCR)

WAX I N G PO E TI C

>insecurious

MY PLACE HIS SPACE GIVE HIM THE DECLUTTER BUG FOR SPRING

OMG! THERE IS SO MUCH CLUTTER AND STUFF in my boyfriend’s and my place (yes I have a boyfriend!) It’s gotten so bad that my mood has changed from an emerald green to a brownish purple. I’m actually losing sleep over it, I need more space! My wardrobe has spilled over the back of our bedroom chair, I have my pre-technology photo albums stacked in the corner of our home/office nook, and we cannot move around in our bathroom without knocking over lotion or spray. Maybe my boyfriend can live like this, but I have had it! Who’s with me? First, you know what you do?

RAISE A FIT!

Confess to your man that what he should do is take a day and clean. Tell him the clutter is the main reason you don’t feel like having sex; that will grab his attention. Now let’s go room to room.

"ASK HIM WHY HE NEEDS TO KEEP ALL THOSE OLD NOTEBOOKS/JOURNALS. WHAT PAST RELATIONSHIP IS HE HOLDING ON TO?" 22

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HOME OFFICE NOOK:

Telling him to go through his “piles of paper” will only get you room enough for a small photo album. Go further if you want to get the entire drawer, box, or desk for your things. Ask him why he needs to keep all those old notebooks/journals. What past relationship is he holding on to? Trust me, they will be gone and you’ll have enough space for your photo albums and the collection of re-gifting gift bags.

BATHROOM:

This is your domain anyway, so let’s take control of it! The key is to condense and combine his stuff. Buy him a 2 in 1 shampoo/ conditioner bottle, toothpaste mixed with mouthwash and a designer soap bar with the cologne baked right in. Replace his shaving cream with an electric razor, but not the rechargeable kind- remember- you need the outlet! Can't you just see the space opening up?

CLOSET:

Pay attention: This is more of a gradual process, but it can be done. Over the next couple of weeks, make comments on what he is wearing from day to day. A simple judgment glance to make him insecure enough will do, but feel free to ask questions like “Does that still fit you?” Then tell him that you’re taking some of your “things” to the Salvation Army, and ask him if he has anything to add. Once he’s done putting together his 3 bags of clothes, suggest that he delivers them and your 1/2 a bag (What? Women’s clothes are smaller. Right? ;) while you stay behind and clean up the place. Once he’s gone, fill your newfound closet space with the winter wardrobe that lived on the back of the chair. He won’t notice. Trust me! Done. Rest peacefully and watch your mood improve in your new clean space. If you're still not ready to have sex with him again, tell him you’re turned on by men who vacuum. Trust me. TABBI MALLOY INSECURIOUS

>raggedy man THE RETURN OF

REBOUND GIRL DEAR REBOUND GIRL, You don’t call. You don’t write. Your email has a vacation responder that says you’re “off the grid”. Your colleagues at work are being cagey and I know how you get about privacy, but, sweetheart, I sold the house. Your old high school debate partner (not to mention childhood playmate), was home visiting HIS family and came over to ask about you, and I got him to help me pack up your things. (He’s grown up quite handsome, he’s recently single and he’s moving to your city!) About one particular item, he remarked, “She kept that?” I’ll let you figure out what “that” refers to. If you figure it out and want it back, you’ll have to get in touch with him. Here’s his number xxx-xxx-xxxx. I told him to hold on to it in case you call The Salvation Army and have them take your childhood, adolescent and college years away without going through them again. But before you do anything else, pick up the phone and call me. Let me know you’re not dead. That would be a nice birthday present, it’s coming up, you know. A visit wouldn’t kill you either. I recently purchased a smart phone and downloaded Skype. I’m very much “on the grid.” Love, Mom

Dear Readers, Time off the grid. Time off the Rag. I don’t feel obliged yet to talk about where, what and who I was doing during my sojourn (let me put a little distance between then and now first). In the meantime, I will talk about the day I returned. It was the second day of the month. I unlocked the door to my apartment to find boxes everywhere, the above letter from my mother (unopened) on top of a pile of mail (mostly junk) and a guy in my bed (hot but what?) A male Goldilocks, as there was an orange cat sleeping on his head. The cat meowed and 24

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stretched his paws over the guy’s eyes as I dropped my keys on a dresser decorated with Speedstick, tic tacs and cuff links. Cuff links made out of recycled typewriter keys. The owner of said cuff links woke up, stretched his arms across an empty bed, and said a girl’s name that was not mine and not my subletter's. The orange cat then swatted his hand, prompting the mystery man to scratch the cat’s ears, oblivious to my presence in the room. I then spoke again, “Rise and shine, squatter” and told him my name. This time he abruptly sat up shocked. “You’re the girl with the boxes.” I swiftly corrected him, “I’m the girl

who lives here.” He nodded, grabbed his glasses and picked up his underwear from the floor and put them on under the sheets. “I make a really good Bloody Mary,” he offered, ”You want one?” “No. Make me a Manhattan if any of my bourbon’s still around.” I then walked into the bathroom and turned on the shower. It’d been a long flight. A flight where they sprayed bug spray throughout the cabin shortly after take off. A flight where we all smelled like body odor by landing. I reemerged from my drought inducing cleanse, wearing a super soft waffle weave robe, and was immediately confronted with the smell of breakfast heaven. The buffet on the kitchen table was an astounding colorful, decadent feast. “I hope you’re hungry.” He’s flipping spelt cakes and sporting sweats and a t-shirt. Medium build. Medium height. “You’ve had all of this here or did you order in or…?” He gestures to the window, “Check out the garden I planted on your fire escape. Here. Sit. Let me show you which course to start with.” That’s when he turns and notices me in the robe, his robe. “Sorry,” I say, “I’ll go change, I forgot to bring my clothes in with me and then I got distracted by the smell of all this.” “It looks good on you. Sit. Eat. Drink.” He strains my drink out of the shaker and hands it to me. My tongue tingles with the muddled cherry and the liquor, “Who are you and why are you here?” I ask. He proceeds to tell me that my sub-letter is dating his roommate and that a couple months ago she moved in there and he moved in here. The cat is hers. I remember approving a cat. The landlord likes cats. I like cats. I like dogs. I like ponies. I never asked my parents for any of them though. It seems her boyfriend, his former roommate, is allergic to dander. He said she sent me an email about the swap and cc’d him but I’d never responded. “Look, if it’s okay by you, can I crash on the couch a few days? I have a new potential sublet starting up on the 15th but I’m about

to go out of town again, and it’d be nice not to have to move and pack, move and pack, move and pack. I also actually didn’t think you’d show up today. Here. I’m not a chef or a mixologist, this is all a hobby but try a bite of these Cinnamon Lemon Poached Pears. The Cherry Syrup drizzled on them will complement your drink.” I swallowed the first bite and lost myself in the wonder of deliciousness. I thought about what it would be like for him to drip those Cinnamon Lemon Poached Pears with Cherry Syrup Drizzle on my Lips and then kiss them with his. The cat rubbed up against my legs and my curiosity on many fronts remained unquenched. “Are you rebounding from the last girl who wore this robe?” I abruptly asked. “No,” he said quite matter of fact. “I bought that robe during a business trip. And no, I didn’t hook up with anyone on the trip. I liked the hotel robe and so when I checked out, I bought one. A bit of a splurge but it’s organic and it’s soft, don’t you think? I’m actually heading back to that hotel, I can pick up another robe...” “I feel like there’s lots of bribery at work here,” I took another sip of my drink and he bit into a poached egg. I sensed a theme. “In terms of rebounding from my last relationship, I finished that phase a while ago, I’d say. Now, I’m looking, just not actively. So. What’s your story? Where have you been? Or maybe you should start with telling me about all of these boxes.” His answer was safe. Too safe but his eyes were also safe. Only for a brief moment when I walked in wearing his robe did I see that “I want to f*** you” look but it’s different than the “I need to f*** you and feel better” look. Yes. Even in his swanky hotel robe, I felt safe. Why am I so concerned with safe? I did not feel on my game. Yet, I had been questioning R AG G E DY M AN

my game while I traveled. But I knew he was keeping something from me and I was keeping things from him. We had just met. I looked at him again. Had we met before? No. This was someone new. I looked out the window, the sun had finished rising into a surprisingly cloudless sky. I had been hoping I wouldn’t return to the city on one of those gray, rainy Spring days. I remembered my Mom’s handwriting on the letter on the top of the mail pile. I got up and opened the letter. “My Mom moved. This is all my stuff I kept there minus a diorama I made with a childhood friend.” “I’d like to see that, dioramas are cool.” He didn’t say that. He said, “I’d like to see that, sounds very cool.” He then let the kitty onto the fire escape to snack on some aphrodisiac catnip. “I thought it was supposed to rain again today,” he continued. “It’s been a hectic rainy week, and I didn’t feel like making plans for today, so if you want, I’m an expert at unpacking and getting organized, and I’d be happy to help. Or maybe you’d like me to go take a walk. Give you some space in your apartment. Let you ground a little. Or take a nap if you didn’t sleep on the plane. You’ve been gone a while, this all might be overwhelming, especially around a stranger.” I didn’t know whether to laugh at the universe or call up the Rag and say “Ha, Ha, thanks for the welcome home present.” My original sub-letter was a friend of one of scribes still remaining from the original regime. A friend of someone who knows me very well. Someone who I trust and someone who I can be a total prankster with…and someone who knew how to reach me, in case of emergency, while I was away. Someone who had a pretty good idea of the day I was returning. There was then a crash on the fire escape, the cat had been rolling around and knocked into a few pots and something had fallen off the side. My sub-letter's sub-letter climbed out and looked down 26

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to the street below. “Oh good, no one got killed. Only the plant fell. Maybe I need to rethink this design. But it’s your escape. You should make into something special. Call up that diorama guy. See what he’s like after all these years. Invite him to design your escape with you. He, uh, actually delivered the boxes.” “So. You met him?” “Yeah. He seems like a good guy. I’m going to go pick up the remains outside. I might be able to salvage the plant. It was the mint. You need anything from the bodega? I shook my head, “No” And said, “Thanks. This is all delicious.” “Good.” He put on his sneakers. The cat followed the mystery man to the door and meowed when he left. I looked around. I had actually expected to return to emptiness. This was anything but. I needed to lie down. I picked up my drink, I picked up the plate of pears and walked out of the kitchen and crawled into bed. I was drifting into sleep when he returned, cradling the plant. “Nap, good choice.” “Thank you for breakfast.” “My pleasure.” He disappeared into the kitchen. I could hear plant surgery in the next room as my eyes closed and my brain was slowly ceasing to inventory what could be in the boxes without opening them. Suddenly, I heard his voice near me again. “Do you mind if I just take a pillow?” It was like a shot of adrenaline. “Of course not.” I must have given him the look because he then kissed me with lemon and cinnamon lips. I looked at the plate, relieved there were still pears there. A fresh bite had been taken, and cherry juice was drizzling down its side. “I find you attractive, curious and I’ve been digging your taste in books. The moment you

walked in wearing that robe, well, you know that’s an instant turn-on.” “Keep talking,” I said. “Disclosure,” he said, “Your sub-letter is my ex. She got together with my roommate. I’ve had a lot of rebound sex in your bed. But I’ve been celibate now for almost two months actually. Half the boxes in the apartment are mine. I’ve clearly labeled who’s who. And I know you write that column, or used to write it, because my ex told me. She said it was ironic that she was staying here and sleeping with me as I had been rebound sex for her. She apologized but thanked me for introducing her to her soul mate. How real is your column anyway?” “Let’s finish those pears,” I replied. He picked up a slice, I took another bite and licked the drizzle on his fingers. The morning continued to slip into decadence of the carnal kind. Later that afternoon, he stroked my hair and said, “I’m not just saying this but that rebound sex felt different.” “Well,” I explained, feeling reconnected with my “game”, “We have the added benefit of welcome home sex, transition sex, celibacy breaking sex and sexy food sex. And since you know my magazine moniker, I feel like I need to live up to expectations and since you’ve been staying in my home a while, I can be myself at the same time. And yet, there’s still mystery.” “Lots of mystery. What have you been doing the last year – did you go on your own Eat, Pray, Love mixed in with a dash of Batman endurance tests?” “Not exactly. But that’s a story for another time. So, if all that was breakfast. What’s for lunch?” He laughed, ”It’s later in the day than you think, jetlag girl. I’ll go make dinner.” He slipped on his underwear and went into the kitchen.

I got up and went into the hallway in search of my phone. I found my purse but first opened one of the boxes that was labeled mine. It was a box of old clothes. I pulled out an old MASH t-shirt I had appropriated from my Dad and marked the rest of the box, Salvation Army. I think I’m going to encounter a bunch of things I should have purged a long time ago as well as find a few surprising treasures. “So. Is it cool if I stay tonight?” he calls from the kitchen. “Yeah.” “Great, thanks.” I smell ginger and basil and coconut simmering. “Just so you know, I go out of town Friday morning. Off to San Francisco to visit friends and then attend a conference. I’ll get my boxes out of here before then. I’ll lock down that sublet. And I’ll have alternate plans ready, in case you don’t want me to stay until my trip.” “Sounds good.” I found my phone, turned it on and ignored the notification of new voicemail, email, updates and text messages. I scrolled through and texted my faithful colleague at the Rag, “Girls Night Friday?” I typed in my childhood friend’s phone number and texted, “Dinner Saturday? Bring your trusty rusty telescope.” And I texted my Mom, “I’m not dead. Birthday brunch Sunday?” “Yeah, pick me up one of these when you’re at the hotel.” “You got it, babe.” Hello again dear readers, returned and ever discreetly yours, REBOUND GIRL

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WHEN YOU CAN'T HAMMER IT OUT HAMMER IT THE END OF A RELATIONSHIP IS NEVER EASY, ESPECIALLY WHEN YOUR EX HAS BEEN A total two-timing bastard. But don't let it get to you, even if he was a total bastard. Spring is the time for new growth, renewal, and getting rid of what you don't need anymore. Like him. Onward! Make space for the new. We all have too much clutter in our lives, but how to decide what to get rid of? Let's start in the kitchen. Pots, pans, coffee mugs, tea pots, fancy family heirloom china, cereal bowls, porcelain pigs, Hummel-Style figurines, dishes... What do you really need, and what, like him, can you live without? If only there were a rule of thumb. There is, as I discovered recently in my growing spare time. The Hammer Test! If your kitchenware can't pass The Hammer Test, you don't need it anymore. Just like your heart: if it's going to break that easily you don't need it. Out it goes.

WHAT YOU'LL NEED: SAFETY GOGGLES, FLIP-FLOPS, HAMMER (SMALL), HAMMER (LARGE), BAND AIDS, PHOTOS OF HIM. STEP 1: Line up your kitchenware on the counter at evenly-spaced intervals

STEP 2:

Apply small hammer

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STEP 3: Check results

STEP 4:

Apply large hammer

STEP 5:

Vacuum

STEP 6:

Call him

STEP 7:

Repeat The kitchen is always a good start, now you can proceed to the next room. If you've already run out of room, see if your neighbor is home. JENNIFER COOSEBURY"

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SPRING INTO ACTION

ADVICE FROM STRUDEL METROPOLITAN DEAR STRUDEL, I'm in a rut. I am completely lethargic about my life. I'm stuck in this routine that just sucks. My job is blah. My apartment is blah. My sex is blah. Clothes. Car. Social life. Blah. Blah. Blah. I feel like I'm stuck in that movie Ground Hog Day, only it's a not funny, b-movie made-for-TV version of Groundhog Day. Help me please. My humdrum life is killing me. All the best, Blah. Hey Blah!! Damn u was making me wanna slit my wrists with paper cuts just for s**** n' giggles with that lame ass attempt for a cry for help letter! Blah, wuz up wit chu? You is like a personified Eyore! We've gots to slap this outta you! Bored with ur job? Get a new one, or just don't go in! Get fired, collect unemployment and find yo'self with a bunch of other mid-life crisis goons at the unemployment line! You won't be so bored trying to pay yo rent! Yo apartment! Find some s*** on the street and fix it up? Your problem is you ‘aint got no vision. You're definitely a glass half empty b**** (das right! I'm assuming u is a fe-male) and you gots to be turning your perspective to shot glass full! Start by doin' a little fabulous sprucey spring cleaning for your soul. If that's too much, clean

your house. I'm sure your mopey ass hasn't done any real housework in awhile-lazy bones. Go through your ugly excuse for a wardrobe and give it away to people who HAVE to take your Filene's basement sloppy seconds. Hell you might even perpetuate real change-imagine the thought of anyone having to wear your blah clothes propels some bum to REALLY get off the streets! That is some touching Lifetime worthy mellow drama, huh! Snap it up girl! Or do something crazy! Live! Go out and have unprotected sex with a stranger! Tie up your significant other and leave town for a couple of days, just to see if they survive! Get fish. Wax something. Grow an eating disorder. My point is, get up off yo sorry ass and do SOMETHING! You is sooooooo pathetic and sooooooo disgustingly wishy washy. Be active droopy draws! Be fabulous. And, Blah, you gots to be getting real! Hope this helped. Love Always, LADIBOI EXTRODINAIRE STRUDEL METROPOLITAN. EDITIOR'S NOTE: Although we applaud Strudel's enthusiasm and find that the root of her advice can be particularly traditional at times, we at Insecurity Ragazine do not necessarily agree with her procreative advice or her spelling of the words, “yourself”, “that's”, “so”, “have” and “bitch!”. 31

>hanging by a thread

AUNTIE MAME

NOT AUNTIE LAME WHAT TO GET THE GIRL WHOSE MOTHER THINKS SHE HAS EVERYTHING... She may only be seven years old, but in the fashion world that makes her eighteen and three quarters years old, and almost beyond her prime. She is, after all, your niece, and you're her favorite aunt, even if your brother married a completely tasteless troglodyte whose idea of a good time is to read a book about Jashem Afet Hanum while painting a picture of the Civil Rights Movement. A recent visit to their sparse downtown apartment told you that her beliefs in material possessions went much farther east than Tompkins Square Park. Who the hell does she think she is telling you that a child's birthday should be about loved ones and not about birthday presents and an expensive day at Ajune? You're the aunt, and you'll be damned if some half-wit beat poet who charmed your brother with smelly sex is going to keep you from introducing your niece to a world where first names don't mean a thing unless there's a good publicist being paid to add a silent "J" to it. After all, Cinderella thought she was living pretty high on the hog until Fairy Godmother came along and showed her that little white girls without a trust fund better employ some serious bling if they want to be taken seriously on the red carpet. Only in this fairy tale, little Cindy thinks that the pumpkin her mother gave her for her birthday is part of the great "Earth's Harvest" instead of the

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stinky little gourd you've seen get smashed a thousand times beneath the limousines of Madison Avenue. It's time for a birthday fashion intevention and you will need to start by adorning your little kinswoman with the finer things in life that will help her appreciate everything you've worked so hard to own. The four "I's" formula that worked for me went as follows: IMPRACTICAL I find that nothing says you're a year closer to dying than a bikini laced with Peruvian Emeralds. IMPOSSIBLE If your niece doesn't have the pork to fill those chops, then schedule her for some body alteration work to take her mind off her physical inadequacies. Don't be obscene, just a little brow lift to put a smile on her face as she starts to realize what a controlling bitch her mother has been all of these years. IMPRESSIVE Of course, no birthday spectacle would be complete without a pair of Marquis Cut earrings that she will have to wear in front of her mother for at least two weeks to keep the holes from closing.

IMPETUOUS Finally a quick flight over to Paris to view the new Balmain Spring line will lay the foundation needed to appreciate why there are four seasons in a year and why the fashion world only chooses to celebrate two of them. Besides, she'll only miss two or three days of school, and how important is a second grade science fair? After all, God forbid her parents suddenly die from possession paucity, leaving you to raise a young woman who didn't know the difference between an Empire Waist and a Jacquard. As everyone knows, the world can be a cruel place to these young women, even on their birthday. ALAMAY FORTINI

LIP SERVICE BREAKING THE LAST TABOO

LADIES, WE MUST BE BOLD. BE DARING. BE ADVENTUROUS. Be resolute. The fashion barrier must be broken and it must be broken again. Fashion taboos are made to be broken. While once unthinkable for women to wear pants (thought to be a sure sign of deviance) as soon as we did, we won the right to vote. And no one would think of calling Brooke Shields a deviant. Then once we liberated swimwear from the one-piece ghetto and burned the shackles of bra-dom, we obtained the pill and the sexual revolution. It's no coincidence. If you free fashion, fashion will free you. There is a clear link between transcending fashion taboos and achieving real measurable social progress. True Equality? We came close in the 1970's with the ERA amendment which was never passed and is long overdue. What's the holdup? What is holding us back? What sign of equality in the 70's were we missing, what status symbol did we back down from? When you think patriarchy, you think Taft, Cleveland, Nixon. When you think men in the 70's what do you think of? What could they possibly have in common with you? That's the problem. When you think last fashion taboo for women, what is the at-first shocking answer-Mustaches! -- or as they should be rightfully known, "Ms.- Staches." Ms. Staches, long considered the province of men only and the old-boy network, off limits and some would have you think, "unfeminine" --their power has empowered liberation after liberation, but only for men. Henry the 8th, Abraham Lincoln, Dr. King, Che Guvara - all social revolutionaries, all mustached. But all Men! The time has come to fearlessly smash this final taboo, the last obstacle to true gender equality. Carpe Follicum! Seize the Ms.-Stache ladies, and do it un-ironically. Even the Brazilian was once thought impossible but now a universal symbol of sexual empowerment. We will not let them control one set of lips, why let them control the other? Start growing one now, or even grow a pair. DEIRDRE TROL-STEPHENS 34

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BE BOLD. BE DARING. BE RESOLUTE.

FROM BRRR... TO BARE WASTE NOT - WANT NOT PROJECTS FOR THE SPRING

Birds singing, flowers blooming, and your closet overflowing with coats, sweaters, and those cat toys you meant to donate at Christmas. Yes, the signs of spring come every year, but don’t let your storage space turn into a feasting ground for moths and hobos. Instead, repurpose those heavy materials into clothes and accessories more useful for the warm summer months to come! I’m personally looking forward to turning my SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) into GLAD! (Guzzling Long-island-iced-teas All Day!)

HATS

Winter hats have no place at the beach or by the pool, but who wants all that knitting to go to waste? The answer is as easy as turning that frown upside down! Attach a strap to throw it over your shoulder, add a button from one of your winter coats to keep it closed, and before you can say “cabana boy” you’ve got yourself a new handbag! Replace your head with makeup, money, sunscreen, glue-gun sticks, catnip, ice cubes, and whatever else you need for those summer days! Note: The fur lined, dog-eared hats make great carriers for your small pets! Though I would not recommended it for dogs, cats, or any other warm-blooded mammals.

COATS

No need to cover up those shoulders and legs anymore, even if you do have a roadmap of varicose veins and a pints worth of cottage cheese hanging off the back. For down-filled jackets, those feathers are priceless stuffing for pillows and teddybears. Cut off the sleeves and tie them at one end to create nice hanging planters. Afterward you’re left with a lightweight vest for cooler nights. 36

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GLOVES

Swimsuit shopping can get ugly, and did you know that asking for opinions on bikini tops in the food court can get you banned for life from the mall? Free country my rump! Luckily, bikinis take very little fabric, in fact, just enough found in a couple pairs of winter gloves! Cut them in half so that you have two flat hand pieces, then attach them lengthwise with whatever string or twine you have lying around. Do the same for your bottoms for a sexy “Come grab ‘em, boys” look. If only the boys at the corn dog stand could see me now! Look out for my Fall article: how to repurpose your summer wardrobe for the coming winter! EDIE MICKENS

>ragamuffin

GET DOWN ON ALL FOURS MOTHER EVE'S GUIDE TO SPRING CLEANING

SPRING IS IN THE AIR AND YOU’RE ALREADY contemplating how you can:

1. Get your bod into bikini (or at least

tankini) shape by Memorial Day weekend.

2. Eke out your last mani/pedi/spray tan/

bikini wax and still have time to recover financially (you just promised your accountant you’d start investing more of your money in 2011).

Recover physically, from the sensitive bumps your skin insists on registering in aftershock from the esthetician’s sandpaper workout of your crotch. To add to this “To Do List,” since you’ve cut the cleaning lady from the budget (these are tough economic times), you’re going to have to get down on all fours and clean that apartment of yours yourself. So get your wipes, gloves, 38

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toothbrushes, mops, paper towels, sponges, and fluids ready to antiseptically annihilate the party animal mites and demons infringing on your life. Purge the dust and purge your stuff. The Salvation Army is only three avenues away and eagerly awaits your charitable contribution. For those especially eager types, try wearing some sexy underwear and practice that yoga breathing while scrub-a-dubdubbing, and you may even manage a bit of a workout. Now let’s take it one step further and frame that To Do List with the looming thing in your life you’ve been meaning to take care of for some time now, but been avoiding like the plague. In my case, it was my bed. I didn’t know my nights could be free of broken springs burrowing a hole in my back, forcing me to wake and ponder my metropolitan existence on a nightly continuum of space and time. I didn’t know that sleep could be euphoric,

"I DIDN’T KNOW MY NIGHTS COULD BE FREE OF BROKEN SPRINGS BURROWING A HOLE IN MY BACK, FORCING ME TO WAKE AND PONDER MY METROPOLITAN EXISTENCE ON A NIGHTLY CONTINUUM OF SPACE AND TIME."

peaceful, and restorative. I didn’t know that if you build your bed, he will come. And sister to sister, that comin’ is both metaphorical and actual, on all levels. A trip to a friend’s wedding and vacation with the girls on the African continent with 2 splendiferous weeks spent on lovely mattresses made me want more from my life, so I dipped into those rainy day savings and splurged. I did my diagnostic sleep-tolive at Sleepy’s Mattress store, ordered that bed for delivery, dusted away the cobwebs on the floors, ceilings, and shelves of my life, and threw out the dead shark of the relationship neither of us had been nurturing for years. I thought I would have six months or more of self-pleasuring on said fluffy bed, but no, I built it -- I built my bed, and lord, did he come. Out of nowhere, my knight in shining armor, my prince, my guitar-playing Latin Lover who whispers Spanish sweet nothings to me -- he waltzed into my

life, and he swept me off my feet, and into my bed. So ladies, what is your looming spring cleaning project you’ve been avoiding all this time? June, July, and August are just around the corner – don’t you want to join Danny and Sandy and experience some hot summer nights? Maybe you need a new desk to support your recent rush of freelance assignments, a new washer for a trouble-free rinse cycle, or a new wardrobe to hold the clothes that outfit fabulously sexy you. All of these furniture items are sturdy enough to support you and someone else, if you catch my drift. Attack your project with fervor, use it as the driving force for your spring cleaning, and then watch the windfall of Feng Shui into your life, and into your bed. Get down on all fours. You’re gonna have a good time and you deserve it, because you are one, hot, foxy mama! MOTHER EVE R AG AM U F F I N

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WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU… WE HOPE THAT THIS ISSUE HELPED TO SOLVE THESE PROBLEMS FOR YOU: NO LONGER AFRAID TO REVEAL YOUR SECRET STACHE NOW YOU WON'T GET STUCK WITH A JUNIOR TROGLODYTE FINALLY BE ABLE TO UTILIZE YOUR INNER LESBIAN STANISLAVSKY EXPERT GET RID OF THOSE EXTRA MENUS ABLE TAKE THE NOOK OUT OF HIS BLACK BOOK GET RID OF WHAT IS NOT AS STRONG AS YOU ARE GLOVE SUITS SHOULDN'T BE TOUCHED 42

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