INSECURITY RAGAZINE ISSUE 10 by Tanata Productions LLC

WE KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU…

THE FORCED

VACATION ISSUE

FASHION TIPZ

HANTS

PUT YOUR FEELINGS

IN THE CLOUD STUFFING

YOUR SAMSONITE

FADDY FADDY FAD FAD

AND MUCH

MORE!

PACK LIGHT

PACK RIGHT

REBOUND GIRL MOTHER EVE STRUDEL METROPOLITAN

AUGUST 2011

INSECURITY R AG A Z IN E

CONTENTS

>our insecurities

>insecurious

FROM THE EDITOR MEET THE WRITERS

>hemlines 10 12

KIDNAPPING: FAME AND FORTUNE SAVING FOR A CLOUDY DAY

>rag times 14 17

FADDY FADDY FAD FAD MOTHER EVE: STUFFING YOUR SAMSONITE THE SEXY WAY

>waxing poetic 18

COQUETRY COMPLIMENTS

>raggedy man 26 31

REBOUND GIRL: VACAY STRUDEL METROPOLITAN

>hanging by a thread 32 34

FASHION TIPZ- HANTS PACK LIGHT, PACK RIGHT

>ragamuffin 36 37

ASTROLOGICAL STATUS UPDATE WHAT YOU LEARNED

RELIEF FROM RELIEF

C O N TE N TS

EDITOR-IN-CHIEF DESIGN DIRECTOR EXECUTIVE EDITOR FASHION DIRECTOR EXECUTIVE MANAGING EDITOR DEPUTY EDITOR EDITORIAL BRAND DIRECTOR PHOTOGRAPHY DIRECTOR

MEET THE INSECURE TEAM BEAUTY ASSOCIATE BEAUTY EDITOR BEAUTY ASSISTANT

Penny Thurman Nice Reve

ART DIRECTOR CARICATURE DESIGN ENTERTAINMENT DIRECTOR BEAUTY DIRECTOR DEPUTY ARTICLES EDITOR

FEATURES SENIOR EDITOR WRITING STAFF

ART DEPUTY ART DIRECTOR SENIOR DESIGNER DIGITAL IMAGE SPECIALIST ART MANAGER

Annette Riley Leland Burt Delora Rogowski Chandra Robbins

FASHION INTERPRETE HAUTE COUTURE FASHION AND ACCESSORIES MARKET DIRECTOR SENIOR FASHION MARKET EDITOR ACCESSORIES EDITOR FASHION ASSISTANT SENIOR FASHION EDITOR SENIOR BOOKING EDITOR FASHION EDITOR ASSOCIATE FASHION EDITOR

Neno Avendre Pat Parr Norma Chu Madison Hearst Tabitha Michelson Luther Evans Cara Polk Olive Wright Kellee June

Melanie Worhtiam Eddie Fuentes Beatriz Romano Valasquez Anneler Stephen Barrett Tim Alford Tamara Ellison Clara T. Joseph Dunne Nick Byron Susan Wilson Sheryn Braun Selena Gleason

MODELS

PHOTOGRAPHY SPECIAL THANKS:

Harriet Bonaparte Rebecca Rhodus, Shawna Richardson, Jennifer Coosebury, Annabella Oreksya, Deirdre Trol-Stevens, Tabby Malloy, Margo Van Norte, Torie Baxley, Rosie Salazar, Kym Tyler-Donnelly, Annabelle Mason, Doreen Canasto, Debbie Kinkokan, Bretty Kyley, Lavontor Smith, Teri Foxx, Chatterly Pendleton, Anna Simone Sinclair, Roberta Anne Jackson Charlotte Bydwell La Yara Dexter Sinister Scavenger Jo

INSECURITYRAG.COM SENIOR WEB DEVELOPER WEB EDITOR BEAUTY EDITOR

Benjamin T. Haynes, Esquire Lucile Xiong Mauro Holcomb

PHOTO PRODUCER PHOTOGRAPHER HAIR AND MAKE-UP WARDROBE STYLING PROP STYLING SENIOR PHOTO EDITOR, RESEARCH PHOTO PRODUCTION ASSOCIATE ASSOCIATE EDITOR, RESEARCH COPY AND RESEARCH COPY AND RESEARCH DIRECTOR DEPUTY COPY CHIEF RESEARCH EDITOR COPY EDITOR

Clara T. Midori Sauer Bubba P. Meme Meeetropolis Dub P. Audrey Goldstein Kyle Dawson Corina Manchester Margarito Burroughs Tim Pulnik Jaques Barry Bettie Branch Frank Leischman

ADVERTISING & SALES ADVERTISING DIRECTOR DIRECTOR OF MARKETING STRATEGY EXECUTIVE BEAUTY DIRECTOR ADVERTISING SERVICES DIRECTOR

MARKETING & PROMOTION MARKETING DIRECTOR CREATIVE SERVICES DIRECTOR ART DIRECTOR PROMOTION DIRECTOR ASSOCIATE PROMOTION DIRECTOR SPECIAL PROJECTS MANAGER PROMOTION COORDINATOR

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Leo Stiles Jimmy Arlene Maureen Cooper Alfred Miles

Michelle Vincent Amy Gengler Laurel Holland Vikki Schnurr David LaCascia Marlena Pineda Milos Pellerin

>welcome!

RAGVERTISE WITH THE WORLD’S FIRST ONLINE FASHION RAGAZINE

INSECURITY RAGAZINE IS TO FASHION what the Colbert Report is to politics. At Insecurity Ragazine, our goal is to become the de-facto lunch destination of women everywhere, a Lunchzine in the spirit of The Onion. Insecurity Ragazine presents women with an alternative venue to share their experiences and find great stories using innovative page turning technology. Combining a monthly online periodical with a community driven website, Insecurity Ragazine will provide a unique location for women’s voices and humor, unlike any found in today’s marketplace.

FOR MORE INFORMATION, TO SPEAK WITH OUR ADVERTISING TEAM OR FOR PRICING, SEND US AN EMAIL AT:

RAGVERTISE@INSECURITYRAG.COM OR LEAVE A MESSAGE AT:

724-964-6727 (RAG-96-INSCR)

C O N TE N TS

>our insecurities FROM THE

EDITOR BEFORE I BEGIN, I THINK THAT I SHOULD admit that I had a horrible summer. Unbeknownst to me when I took this job, the former Editor in Chief made the cost-cutting step of allowing most of the staff to take an extended vacation during the summer months. When I say most of the staff, I mean EVERYONE, the writers, the artists, the editors, EVERYONE. When faced with this prospect, I had two choices, either cancel the Summer issue, or threaten everyone with their jobs in order to get them to come back to work. Here I sit before you, Rag in hand, trying to find the words that express my disappointment as editor-in-chief. I was blue, depressed, doldrum'd, everything you could imagine I would feel after being told that three quarters of my staff was missing. But then something miraculous happened, and I owe it all to the wonderful man I married. As much as I love the staff here at the Ragazine, I am afraid that I'm not the great communicator that Penny was. Although everyone sympathized with my situation, most of them had postponed and rescheduled previous vacations to meet previous deadlines and they were none to anxious to do so again. When faced with having to cancel the issue, Robert suggested that instead of looking at my predicament as a negative, why not concentrate on my limitations and create something tremendous. That's what I love about Robert, his ability to bring the magic out of everything, his willingness to find beauty where I find heartache. Later that day, I 6

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took his suggestion and before everyone left, I called a meeting and announced that instead of trying to stop everyone from taking a vacation, I was mandating one. Yes, I took responsibility of this month's issue and told them that instead of firing people, I would hire their imagination, their creativity and their spirit. I told them all of Robert's wonderful suggestion and asked them to concentrate on September 's issue. I wanted them to focus on coming back with the best ideas they had ever had. I told them not to worry about my deadline, but instead think about the rest of the year. That's when the aforementioned miracle happened. Instead of leaving me to fend for myself, several members of our staff stayed that evening and helped me put together the issue you're reading now It's not the most complete work to date, but it's darn good, and it comes from a little idea that started when things looked their bleakest. So instead of sitting around anticipating the summer blues, go out and find that little unexpected thing that makes you smile, and turn it into something you can share with your friends. MELANIE WORTHIAM EDITOR IN CHIEF INSECURITY RAGAZINE

O U R I N S E C U R I TI E S

MEET THE

WRITERS

SINCE A NUMBER OF US HERE AT THE RAG ARE CAMERA SHY, WE ASKED THE INCREDIBLE NICK BYRON TO ILLUSTRATE OUR STAFF WRITERS SO THAT YOU MAY COME TO LOVE THEM AS MUCH AS WE DO. OVER THE NEXT FEW MONTHS WE'LL BE SPENDING MORE TIME INTRODUCING THEM TO YOU.

MELANIE WORTHIAM EDITOR IN CHIEF

CRYSTAL ST. GIBBONS STAFF WRITER

JENNIFER COOSEBURY ON VACATION

INSECURITY R AG A Z IN E

SHAWNA RICHARDSON STAFF WRITER

KIM TYLER-DONNELLY ON VACATION

TABBI MALLOY STAFF WRITER

CORRINA JULIAN

REBECCA RHODUS

RBOUND GIRL

STAFF WRITER

DEIRDRE TROL-STEVENS

ANNABELLE OREKSYA

ON VACATION

STAFF WRITER

EDIE MICKENS STAFF WRITER

ANNABELLE MASON ON VACATION

DOREEN CANASTO ON VACATION

DR. JOYCE KISSINGER

ON VACATION

O U R I N S E C U R I TI E S

>hemlines

KIDNAPPING: FAME AND FORTUNE SO YOU'RE STUFFED IN THE TRUNK and there is one question on your mind. Do I have enough accessories to wow the right people when rescued? All those cameras, reporters, and authorities... and you without the essentials. As an avid reader of the Rag, you know that first impressions are the difference between having fifteen minutes of celebrity status or hitting the jackpot with your own talk show!! Remember you may start out the victim, but if you play it right you could turn the tables and come out with fame and fortune. Here's how to survive and thrive during a kidnapping.

1) THINK AHEAD: Make sure you have an updated attractive photo of yourself accessible. While you're captive this photo will do most of the work for you. It's invaluable publicity but it could be a double edge sword if the photo is unflattering.

2) DON'T CRY: It shouldn't need to be said, but puffy raccoon eyes are not camera friendly.

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SO YOU'RE STUFFED IN THE TRUNK AND THERE IS ONE QUESTION ON YOUR MIND. DO I HAVE ENOUGH ACCESSORIES TO WOW THE RIGHT PEOPLE WHEN I'M RESCUED? 3) BE SENSIBLE: You might as well use this time to diet. Refuse to eat unless the kidnapping lasts longer than 54 days ...then eat moderately.

4) MAKE IT UP: Use dirt or grease. Think of Michelle Phiefer when she's elbow deep in paint. Or those models pretending to be fixing cars. Don't go overboard, just enough.

5) HAIR RASING CIRCUMSTANCES: NOT! Wear it down. The grime will act as a lubricant and will say to those TV Execs "dirty, dirty girl"

TABBI MALLOY

HEMLINES

SAVING FOR A CLOUDY DAY PUTTING YOUR FEELINGS IN THE CLOUD

THERE HAS BEEN A GREAT DEAL SAID about the state of women's emotions and the amount of energy it takes to make it in today's world. Adding to this dilemma are the large number of electronic distractions introduced by high tech, dispassionate companies run by men no closer to their feelings than you are to a glass of licorice absinthe. It seems that their pokes, plusses and twats do little to enhance a woman's mystery and instead serve to derogate and disuse a woman's charms...electronically. How many times have you found yourself confused about status's, hangouts, threads and that annoying "no email for three days" rule that your digital calendar never seems to remind you of properly? How often have you found yourself battered and berated by a pencil neck too shy to look you directly in the eyes, but worked up enough to spend a half an hour screaming at you? How are you supposed to know the difference between a trash can and a recycle bin? Where else are you supposed to put all of those stupid folders that pissed you off because they were cluttering up your daily desktop photo from "The Cut"? Well cower no more my friends, there is hope, a way for you to be freed of your computerized chains without digitally disrobing publicly from your simulacrum of a Modern Woman. There is a new digerati destination that's as confusing and complex as you are. It's called the "Cloud", and from now on, any question you receive regarding anything electronic or computer related can be answered

with one simple phrase, "I put it in the cloud". You might find yourself asking, what is "the Cloud" and how does it work? That's the genius part, it doesn't matter. More importantly, nobody is waiting for you to fly an electronic kite with an electronic key and see if you can get lightning from it. Not only are you not expected to be a founding father, you can actually make fun of the crazy people who try to explain it. If someone asks you about the emails, the internets, the Facebooks, the Twitters, the Googles, the texts, or even the voicemail messages that you never respond to, you can casually turn to your accuser and reply, "It must be in my cloud". All of this is well and good, but why stop there? Why not put everything in your life in your cloud and blame it when things don't go the way they should? Remember your best friend's wedding shower that you were too hung over to attend... it was the cloud's fault. Your boss brings you a $366.74 petty cash bill from Prada and wants to know where you got it from, you can say the cloud was having a sale. When your boyfriend comes to you, hat in hand, tears on his sleeve, asking you why things have changed and how you could leave him after two and a half years together, you can honestly look him in the eyes and explain to him that you put all of your feelings for him in the cloud, and now you can't find them. Â REBECCA RHODUS

INSECURITY R AG A Z IN E

"YOU MIGHT FIND YOURSELF ASKING, WHAT IS "THE CLOUD" AND HOW DOES IT WORK? THAT'S THE GENIUS PART, IT DOESN'T MATTER."

HEMLINES

>rag times

FADDY FADDY FAD FADS

CONVINCING YOUR YOUNGER SISTER (OR GAY BROTHER) TO TRY THEM FIRST IT'S NOT AS IF YOU HAVEN'T GONE UP THOSE STAIRS STEPPERS BEFORE. The promise of the quick fix, the sure bet, the easily resolved knee-cap-gap remover. You're not opposed to doing the "heavy lifting", you just don't have the same amount of time you had in your late teens and early twenties. Social engagements, multiple boyfriends and applying for that Tunisian

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visa leaves very few hours in the day to experiment with today's hip fads and fashion tips that separate you from the turtles. You've tried keeping up, but let's face it, who has time to comb through the pages of every Vanity Fair and Cosmo to find the 50 ways linseed oil can bring the "angel" out of your complexion? We know who. You're younger sister (or gay younger brother). Laugh all you want, but if absurdity had stopped the fashion world before, we would have never witnessed the "Flower Pot Top". After all, in all likelihood, unless your mom got it on with the local Kinkos guy while they waited for her business cards to be printed, your sister is more than likely a younger version of yourself, eager to improve the blinding inadequacies that your father's side of the family passed along to the both of you. Whether it's bleaching your shoulder pores, how to use Sushi as a giving tree metaphor during sex, or discovering three ways to a better bounce, the time that you spent learning the tricks of the trade have been invaluable and should be kept in the family. Your younger sister will not only thank you for including her in this time honored tradition, she will worship you, (or at least buy you better birthday presents).

OF COURSE, HOW YOU APPROACH THIS TOPIC CAN MAKE OR BREAK HER ENTHUSIASM FOR THE PROJECT. AFTER ALL, ONE WOMAN'S TREASURE TROVE CAN BE ANOTHER WOMAN'S JEAN NATE.

Of course, how you approach this topic can make or break her enthusiasm for the project. After all, one woman's treasure trove can be another woman's Jean Nate. You'll need to treat the situation much the same way high priced fashion models approach which photographers they will allow to capture their essence on film. The first step is to decide whether R AG TI M E S

"WE RECOMMEND INCORPORATING A FAD BASED ON LEMON ZEST, OR THE COLOR YELLOW"

or not your younger sister (or gay younger brother) has the qualifications needed to hold up their end of the bargain. How is their attention to detail? How long are they willing to try a fad before declaring victory? Do they have any snooty friends that might act as an obstacle towards this sorority building exercise that will bring the two of you together? Once you have determined their qualifications, begin a series of fake interviews at high profile coffee shops with "fake applicants" who are in on the plan, offering to take your sister along if she promises to not order anything with the word "fresca" in it. After a few well placed objections to the aforementioned candidates, her sibling rivalry should kick in, opening up the door to a discussion about her unhappiest moments and what she plans to do about them. Naturally the conversation will revert back to you where you can recommend one of the fabulous fads that you're hoping she can try while you're waiting online for a Spotify invitation. We recommend incorporating a fad based on lemon zest, or the color yellow, something light to draw her down the path as your new "Cavia Porcellus Fadus". After two or three sure-to-cure pulp curriculums, she's liable to become hooked on the process anyway, unaware of how her sacrifice helped steer you clear of the "Mango Drool Weight Reduction Plan", but keyed you in on "How to Plankton Your Way to a New You". The good news is that if she catches on, you can say that she's participating in the latest fad from Paris, "Relative Re-connection". In any case, using your sister as a means to an end will give you more time to enjoy the things you've worked so hard to achieve, and give you the peace of mind to know that you did it your way. SHAWNA RICHARDSON

INSECURITY R AG A Z IN E

MOTHER EVE:

STUFFING YOUR SAMSONITE THE SEXY WAY TRUTH OR MYTH? IF YOU’RE OVER 23, YOU START COLLECTING BAGGAGE AT A RATE OF 1.5 LBS PER YEAR.

TRUTH. Consider the fact that at the age of 23, you are still using Clinique Dramatically Different Moisturizer, Neutrogena Deep Clean Facial Cleanser, and Sally Hansen Insta-Dri Fast Dry Nail Color in Speedy Sunburst as your primary beauty regimen, while pairing your acid washed Limited Express Foldover Button Fly Jeans from high school with an alternating palette of pastel and brightly colored floral print tops from The Gap (which, altogether with the beauty products, total only 25 lbs). History tells us time and time again that as your collagen loosens and you switch both careers and sexual partners post-college, you are likely to graduate from Clinique-Neutrogena-Sally Hansen to Laura Mercier-Bliss Beauty-Opi, (and for those who surpass the 6 figure salary mark, La MerDior-Opi in nude colors), in those 10 years. This means that once you reach The Age of Christ (33 years), you’ve maxed out and hit the 40 lbs limit for your carry-on luggage with the airlines. Thus, ladies, let’s face it, if you only have a 15 lbs growth margin to work with as you blossom into your full womanhood, you better be sure you are stuffing that Samsonite in the sexiest and most gracefully salacious manner possible... if you also plan to keep any man worth his weight in

R AG TI M E S

gold. “So what do I do?” you ask incredulously, one perfectly selfplucked eyebrow raised in astonishment. You’re about to take your first weekend getaway with the man you’ve managed to keep intrigued for 3.5 months now (very smart of you to cleverly wait a full 5 dates before giving it up, -kudos to you for exercising vaginal patience!), and you’ve got to stuff that Samsonite so it’s compact and practical, but suits your every possible need, and makes you appear carefree and effortlessly put together. After all, if it’s a three day jaunt to the Caribbean he’s booked to test the travel waters of the relationship, then you don’t want to be unnecessarily HM (“high maintenance”) by insisting that you check your baggage because it’s over the 40 lbs carry on limit. (It’s summer clothes and bathing suits, not your ski parka and knee-high city boots you have to pack; you can handle it.) Below is your comprehensive list of what, and what not to pack: BEAUTY PRODUCTS: Sunscreen, lotion, floss, toothbrush, toothpaste, brush, travel size shampoo and conditioner, soap, lip gloss, mascara, eyeliner, blush, aspirin, birth control. Pack all items in a clear plastic Dobbs Kit (available at your local drugstore for under $5), so you don’t look like you are hiding anything. Remember, you are sexy and confident, and if he peers into the façade behind your beauty routine, he shouldn’t find anything shocking. You can borrow his razor in the shower and forgo the shaving cream; soap will do the trick. You don’t need the eyeshadow (humidity is up over 80%, my dears, it’s the tropics), and if you insist on needing your Aveda $42.50 16 oz bottles of shampoo and conditioner, you won’t clear airport security, and you’ll look ridiculous. Your tresses can survive the Hilton leftovers from your last business conference for 3 days, and you’ll be so easygoing he’ll want to take you everywhere for the rest of your life. UNDERGARMENTS: Cotton panties, the athletic bra for the hotel pilates or yoga class you may partake in, 2 swimsuits, and the sexy strapless bra to go under the white sundress stunner number you’ve been saving for a piña colada and sunset at the equator. No need for the nightgown (what, are you expecting a bedtime story?), and a swimsuit for each 18

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day approaches the HM mark, so keep it down to 2 and make one of them a one-piece if you’re feeling particularly daring. This will show you know you don’t have to advertise all your goods to the world, and that you're secure. Definitely say “no” to the lacy panties, which will make you look as though you overthunk it all. And really, how long do intend on staying in those panties in the confines of your hotel room? OUTERGARMENTS: 3 dresses for the evening, one pair of shorts for the beach or a workout, 1 sunhat, 2 tank tops, 1 cotton beach cover-up that can also double for the continental breakfast appearance, 1 long sleeved shirt and 1 pair of jeans for the flight to and from. No more, no less. Stop. Put it away. Chiffon doesn’t travel well to the land of palm trees. SHOES: Wear sneakers on the plane ride to your destination. You’re naturally gorgeous and don’t need to try so hard. Bring one pair of flat flip flops or sandals and one pair of high heeled open toe sandals, the strappier the better. Gold, silver or copper options are your best bet, as they go with everything. Leave behind the wedges. You won’t be replacing divots on the polo field. Your red stilettos? I don’t think so. This isn’t Vegas. ADDITIONAL: 2 reading items; a magazine and a book for the plane and the beach. Q-tips for both of you; he’ll be so excited you have them, as he will inevitably forget to pack them... and you know how he hates wet ears. Follow these guidelines and they will bring you one step closer to getting your man to realize more and more that your baggage is manageable and not permanently damaged; you are the sexiest Samsonite around, the real deal. You can even pull her along yourself while he takes that business call as soon as you’ve landed and says to his assistant, “I’ll be out of pocket until Monday morning,” and shoots you that lazy smile meant just for you, as the memory of his last girlfriend and the luggage cart he had to get for her duffel and 65 lb bag slip permanently out of memory. Mother Eve loves you and wants you to be at your baggageless best, just the way you were as a little girl. You’re welcome. R AG TI M E S

>waxing poetic

RELIEF FROM RELIEF CELEBRITIES HELP THEMSELVES AFTER HELPING OTHERS

GANDHI, MOTHER TERESA, NELSON MANDELA. All great humanitarians with one thing in common: all super ugly. Thankfully, our beautiful celebrities have stepped in to take care of this planet’s big problems. Whether it’s natural disasters, war, disease, or poverty, celebs will work as hard as they can for hours, sometimes days, to fix it. But after a long day of picking up rocks and hugging groups of orphans, where do these stars go to relax? Secret destinations only whispered by the A-list are hidden all throughout the third world. Often found in dark alleyways only accessible by blind rickshaw men with a heightened sense of smell, these exclusive hangouts are virtually impossible to find. But thanks to some anonymous tips from a cab driver I hooked up with, your girl Cry$tal has the 411 on these 911 hotspots.

SPAS:

The spa has been, and always will be, the best place to relax and pay for casual sex. But if you’re in a country where mud baths are the norm, you’ll have to shake things up a bit. Speaking of shaking up, Haitian day spas have been popping up like temporary shelters in every corner of this Fugee lovin’ country! Spiritual leaders in the community utilize ancient techniques known to recall the spirits of your ancestors and relax the tensest of celebrity divas. Voodoo doll acupuncture provides all the relief with none of the pricks, and ritual animal sacrifice is great for wrinkles!

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BOUTIQUES:

It can be devastating for these celebs to see the conditions of the third world, so what better way to erase the images of crippling poverty than splurging at the boutiques! And I’m not talking about handbags. These super secret high-end stores offer the only accessory that never goes out of fashion: babies! Conjunct-named celebrity couples spend long afternoons browsing the selections for the perfect little one to bring home to armies of nannies and stylists. INSIDER TIP: Remember that a baby faux hawk never fails to land the tabloid covers.

DIET:

While the photo ops with starving children can make any celeb look like Jesus in Gucci, they can also make one look like a fat cow. Since purging your dinner in a land with little food is “frowned upon,” one must find other opportunities to drop the weight. Luckily for you, where food is hard to come by, the parasites are not! This easy diet can take you from a chunky 110, down to 80 pounds of pure gold! (Most of that weight is from your heart being so full, which you can drop quickly when you get back to LA). While many available businesses can provide a healthy tapeworm or two, most celebs choose to go free range: walking barefoot through cattle fields, swimming in infested rivers, and eating as many feces as they can find. So the next time you find yourself lifting the spirits of the oppressively poor and morally devastated, don't forget to take a few minutes for yourself to revive, refresh, and rejuvenate. After all, you've earned it! CRYSTAL ST. GIBBONS

WAX I N G PO E TI C

>insecurious

COQUETRY COMPLIMENTS TEACH YOUR MAN TO CHIVVY THE RIGHT WAY

IT WAS THE THING THAT FIRST ATTRACTED you to him, the way the he looked at your ass. There you were, minding your own business, walking on a busy thoroughfare at 10:30pm on a Tuesday, when you heard his dulcet tones croon in your direction. "Hey Mommy, I'd like to book that ass on an extended vacation." Against all odds, you just happened to turn at the right time. There he was, the little man in big-boy construction clothes, clutching his lunch pail, laughing like a nervous puppy, unsure of himself amongst the other hard hats standing beside him. "What did you say to me?" you heard your voice say, as if from a movie starring Whoopi Goldberg and Marisa Thomei. He looked at his friends and then to you, this time bolder, his tone more sensual... "I said... why don't you give me those digits and I'll pay to have my phone reconnected." The next three months were a whirlwind of pizzerias and pool halls. Larry, as his friends called him, worked nights, and you worked days, but the weekends (including Sunday evenings) were yours to share and treasure. You would set you clock extra early to meet him at the Far Away Diner for beers and breakfast, and he gave up his afternoons at the OTB to join you for an early snack. The two of you would talk, between bites, about your time 22

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"IT AIN'T YOU HUN, YOU'RE GREAT. IT'S JUST THAT THERE'S ALL OF THESE WOMEN OUT IN THE WORLD, AND I DON'T FEEL RIGHT UNLESS I CAN YELL SOMETHING OBSCENE AT 'EM." apart and how plastic surgery was God's gift to mankind. After a couple of months, you were finally able to understand how much cheaper things would be if he moved in with you. Shortly thereafter, you insisted on cooking at home, the money you saved by not going out for meals allowed him to get the NFL package his best friend Hector was always bragging about. You learned to love the REAL Cleveland Browns (not those Modell-hole Ravens) and for your six month anniversary he got you an authentic Brian Sipe Jersey, a couple of days late, but he hadn't yet opened the electronic calendar you bought for him.

Everything was going great guns, but lately you started noticing a slight change in him. Granted, football season is over, and something called "spring training" isn't due to begin for several months, but there's something else that you just can't put your finger on. At first he stutters and stammers when you bring up the topic, but eventually you're able to pry it from his lips. "It ain't you hun, you're great. It's just that there's all of these women out in the world, and I don't feel right unless I can yell something obscene at 'em. " "Whewh!!!" A big sigh of relief. Is that all that was wrong with the relationship? You had worked yourself into a tizzy thinking that perhaps there was something awry with your meatloaf custard

recipe, when in fact there was nothing but a little pent up male fervor trying to take its natural course. Immediately you try to assuage his fears and give him full access to his vocabulary and street-barker rights. You think all is settled when in fact it's anything but. It's not until you have a conversation with his best friend Hector that you figure out what's really going on. Armed with a traveler's Spanish to English dictionary, you are finally able to glean that although Larry still has

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the desire to berate, belittle and bespoke female passerby's, he doesn't feel good about himself, and you're the reason. Fret not gentle woman of the day shift, with a little planning, preparation and perseverance, you'll have your beshrewing boyfriend back on the block.

RESEARCH

Although a woman's heart never changes, the language that it speaks does. Time worn phrases that once worked on your mother's mother don't hold the same solemnity that more modern revilements convey. When helping your man try on his new vocabulary, don't be afraid to go out with him and shout to the rafters... literally. You never know what chippy is going to be up there to appreciate your boyfriend's new phrases.

REASSURANCE

I'm certain that most of you already know this, but letting your man know that he's doing a good job is paramount towards the recovery of his confidence. You can supply him with every sailor catcall in the book, but if he doesn't believe in himself, he'll sound as worn out as your relationship has become. By gently stroking your man's ego with simple role playing games, you'll go a long way to putting the steam back into your man's strident tone.

REVOLUTION

Remind your man that what he's doing is as American as hot dogs and cherry pie. While the liberal elite may view what your future husband does with disdain, what they fail to admit is that it's men like him that made this country great. If your immigrant grandfather hadn't yelled at your immigrant grandmother to come and look at his rubber band collection, you wouldn't be here today. This country was built on wise cracking meat claws not afraid to lean against some type of public structure and let their First Amendment Rights hang out for all to see. It's your patriotic duty to continue the tradition and help your man live the American Dream. DABNEY FREDERICKS

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INSECURIOUS

>raggedy man

REBOUND GIRL VACAY DEAR REBOUND GIRL, What are some pick-up lines that’ll work like a charm to woo a woman traveling alone on holiday? -Cyrano Dear Pinocchio Poet, I recently read an article about the importance of play in an airline magazine. I liked it so much I decided to take the complimentary copy with me as I disembarked the aircraft. As I sat waiting for my room to be ready in the hotel’s adorable garden courtyard, the outdoor ceiling fans inspired me to put my feet up, take deeper, relaxing breaths, and read the article again. Words like spontaneity. Improvisation. Voluntary. Inherent attraction. Freedom from time. Lose track of oneself. Wanting more. Hmmmm…sounds like a few of my better reboundships. Thirty minutes later, my bag was in my room, I was freshly showered with a layer of SPF massaged into my skin and I was out the door. Within another thirty minutes, the heavens had decided it was time for the bowling Olympics and I stood under a vaulted archway between one of the many options on my list for culture, cuisine or sand castles. I was not alone in my search for temporary shelter. There was a tour group that was dutifully following their flag bearing leader’s lead, and taking their ponchos out of their fanny packs. They then tromped off, without fear, into the deluge. Their guide pointed out a window where some famous courtesan had lived and calmly told the ducklings they’d be

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right on time for their fittings. I am really good about bringing a travel umbrella everywhere so I reached into my bag and suddenly remembered I had left it on the bathroom sink next to the sunscreen. I also love the rain, and was about to step out and soak into it’s glory when I heard a male voice say… “I have an extra fanny pack. With a poncho. You want it?” “Oh, thanks. Hmmmm. Uh, maybe just the poncho.” “Take it all. There are some good maps and coupons in there. I’m one of the guides.” “Aren’t you supposed to be with the tour and not handing out fanny packs, coupons and ponchos to strangers? What if a poncho rips or a fanny pack gets stolen from your group?” “We have extras, and I’m not the only guide. I don’t need to be fitted for a petticoat or a suit. I’m supposed to go on ahead and make sure everything gets set up properly for the banquet.” “Petticoats, banquets, what kind of tour are you running?”

“Want to assist me with the party and you can see for yourself?” “Sure.” The words spontaneous and improvisation flashed through my brain. Inherent attraction? My “Poncho Prince” has a nice voice although the acoustics in that archway were magnificent. He seems witty. He wears glasses that were foggy from the storm, I couldn’t place his accent. He said fanny pack and poncho and petticoat like an American but he seemed to be joking a little when he said it. We exchanged names, shook hands... well, he kept holding my hand with his nice, solid grip, as he confidently led me into the thunder. We walked a lot. Finally the rain was pelting so hard, he led us into another little archway. “You okay?” “Yeah, these are some strong ponchos. I didn’t realize they ‘d be so resilient to monsoon like rain.” “We did research.” “So where are we going right now anyway?” “The forest. It’s just on the outskirts. We’ll go over a little bridge that was the inspiration for a local version of the Three Billy Goats Gruff. This little alleyway we’re in used to be a famous nook for ancient drug deals... So, where we’re going-It’s not a real forest. At least not what I’m used to. But it does give an illusion of one which is important for the story, or the event tonight.” Beneath my poncho I was wearing a cute enough dress but… “I don’t think I’m dressed for a party of illusions. And I didn’t get fitted for a petticoat, so will I be out of place?” “We’ll improvise. Don’t worry." He then took out an envelope with some papers in it. “I need you to sign this.”

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“What is it?” “It’s a confidentiality agreement. You can’t talk about who is at the party or what goes on. Don’t worry. You’ll be safe.” When someone tells you not to worry, it’s worrisome, and yet, I was still curious, and a bit worried about my safety. But there are fanny packs and ponchos and petticoats involved so… “Is there also a clause where I’m signing my life away? Like if I wanted to go skydiving or white water rafting or something?” “The company is a little sensitive so they do this agreement. It’s a company retreat. They voted to use their forced vacation time and it was unanimous.” “Why did you invite me along?” “Why did you say yes without knowing what it was?” “I like spontaneity.” “Good because there’s a kind of reenactment in the events tonight and my now ex-girlfriend, was supposed to play an important part, but she ran off the other day with a shepherd. No joke.” There it was. The confirmation. His girlfriend ran off with a shepherd and here I am to play understudy in this game of illusions. Oh, here’s our double rebound decorated with a fairy tale setting. Suddenly I’m a pawn in a Ren Fair or a character out of Jane Austen or even Game of Thrones. Petticoats and suits can mean a whole slew of things and I wasn’t sure what I was in for. “This isn’t some live action murder mystery game is it?” “No. Murder has nothing to do with it.” “S&M?” 28

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“No no. Although, some people may have sex. It’s voluntary. But it’s not really the climax, if you will, of the event. It’s a bit more languid, romantic, pastoral, there are no dungeons. There is a narrative although there’s room for improvisation. In fact, it’s encouraged." “And what exactly is my role?” He kissed me and the plastic of our ponchos got stuck together and the fanny packs were like chastity belts. Almost as soon as my pen left the paper, the rain ceased. For the rest of the night into the morning, during the “company event” I played what I understood as my part. What to say about the evening? You had to be there. Truly. At dawn, after all the guests left the “forest”, Poncho Prince, who impressed me all night with his eloquence and dexterity returned to my hotel room where we spent the next day, somewhere in between ourselves and our roles. We emerged at what’s called The Magic Hour of the evening, to walk around the village, our arms and bodies still quite entwined and to also sample more of the acclaimed local food and drink. Just as we were sucking the flesh out of a local fruit, a woman dressed like she had just milked the farm animals came running through the center of the village screaming his name. With the speed of a vampire, he was by her side, comforting her. They were burying themselves in each other’s necks apologizing, kissing, and speaking in some language I couldn’t recognize. They then turned to me and blew me kisses and bowed. The whole village and the corporate guests in costume (everyone happened to be nearby) stopped what they were doing and applauded all of us. It seems we had just re-enacted a local legend and almost everyone but me was in on the story that I’m legally bound not to fully repeat...or a "village hitman, (or woman) will slaughter me like a pig.”

Essentially, I’m allowed to say that the story involves a woman traveling alone to this village and has a love quadrangle with, in this case, a shepherd, a milkmaid, my role and my—well, not my Poncho “Prince.” He and his girlfriend had indeed broken up and cheated on each other in the midst of all this. That was real. Not an illusion. He later explained that he didn’t know if she would indeed show up for the climactic ending, or if he wanted her to, but when he saw her, he “had to be with her again. He was still so in love with her.” That night they were married. Each year the “legend” gets re-enacted in a different manner, sometimes its with locals only, but foreigners may fill out an application and if accepted, participate. Displeasing the locals though, does carry a price... from what I’ve heard. There weren’t any trains, buses, cars or even asses for me to take, borrow, beg, or steal to get on out of there that night. As appreciation for my role,I was given a crown, upgraded to a suite and handed a full dance card of gorgeous guys who seemed more genuine and more eligible than my Poncho Prince, but I had numbed myself. The force shield was up and I was flooded with memories of what led me to take this trip, alone, in the first place, hopeful that my next destination would be more real, less illusion. So my dear Cyrano, you ask for pick-up lines for women traveling alone, but for me it’s about reacting to the moment. Words and actions, the offer of a poncho and a fanny pack was new to me, novel. It didn’t sound like a line that I had heard before or one he’d used before. He had actually “auditioned” several women who were traveling alone that day. When he didn’t try as hard with me, he said it “worked.” He was genuinely offering me a poncho and not, at first, testing to see

if I would be a good candidate to play the role in the villager's story. Yes, you can use a line like, “I could see such and such in your eyes.” Or “what are you drinking?” Or “what are you reading?” “Where are you from?” You could comment on a work of art, discuss a place of interest in the town or some kind of current event, local or national. When traveling, people, especially women have their guard simultaneously up and down, their sense of adventure hovers, business, pleasure...a mix. Being away from home can encourage them to experience events and interactions that feel more intense than life usually is. Are you going with the attitude “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”, or, “We’ll always have Paris” or… What kind of holiday do you want to be a part of? And what kind of attachments, memories and/or baggage do you want to bring to the table/bar/courtyard and what or who do you want to bring home? Yours to unpack, Rebound Girl PS: The local tourist bureau of the village I visited has approved this story but they do not link to it. Try as you will, online searching will not lead you to this place. You have to have your ear to the ground in other ways. How did I end up in that village on that day, you ask? Through the recommendation of a friend who I learned was not a real friend and no longer works at the Ragazine. REBOUND GIRL

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LEFT HOLDING THE BILL

ADVICE FROM STRUDEL METROPOLITAN DEAR STRUDEL,

WORD UP BROKE!

I am sooooo screwed! Like, my dumb restaurant job closed for a week (non-paid)... but that's not when my family was going on vacation, so I basically had a forced vacation and just slept a lot because I was so broke!

I'm feelin' you-and I ain't. I ain't cuz why is it your job's problem that you can't take a vacation when everyone else can. Boo hoo for you b! But at the same time-why the hell would your job expect you to revolve around them-especially when it's a non-union job and unpaid time off-days you would've (most probably) happily worked if they weren't closed. Yo’ boss might've been thinking about that kitchen staff in the back, and those illegal’s he's got washing dishes...who the hell knows. (And we ALL know that back of house is always favored more then the front, and if you don't know...now you know...) What, you don’t got the guts to find another job? Why are you there if THIS is what's up? WHY? A forced vacation-sh**! I can't understand how you ain't compensated??? This is...I don't even-II'm over it. And you should be too. You don't need this ugly assed knot in your stomach all about the Benjamin’s to grow just cuz of some dumb assed job waiting tables!!! This is-I'm done with this. And you should be too.

What is that Strudel? It’s ridiculous! What do I do? I want to say something to my boss, but I don't know what! I don't want to get fired-but this is bull****! Please write back! -broke as a joke.

EDITOR'S NOTE: Although we applaud Strudel's enthusiasm and find that the root of her advice can be particularly traditional at times, we at Insecurity Ragazine do not necessarily agree with her procreative advice or her spelling of the words, “yourself”, “that's”, “so”, “have” and “bitch!”.

Send out your resume bitch! Hope this helped. Love Always, LADIBOI EXTRODINAIRE STRUDEL METROPOLITAN.

>hanging by a thread

FASHION TIPZ: HANTS

LET YOUR HEAD AND CROTCH AGREE ON SOMETHING... WISH MEN WOULD STOP LOOKING at your crotch and look you in the eyes for a change? Now they can! European Fashion Niece Teaching Assistant Annabella Oreksya has returned from another fashionfinding mission to Bristol, Italy, and tells you how to get in your own pants and unzip your neck with this latest in a series of fashion trendz ‚"Before They Go Viral." Just when you thought the fashion pendulum would swing back to BellBottoms again, it stops mid-swing -in between and in the crotch. Men all along the boardwalk from Brighton to Bristol are doing double and triple takes at the local lasses who‚ have been swapping their heads for their --you guessed it---a**es. Wearing new tops made from bottoms, pants for the hands, or ‚ "Hants." Undoubtedly boutiques will be popping up all over, selling their take with pre-crotched jeans, but in the meantime, (and to save a little cash), we offer a few steps on how to make your own Hants and get the look you like that gets looks. 32

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TIPS FOR A QUICK BOTTOM TO TOP STEP 1. Start with a pair of jeans. Really any jeans will do, but will they? If you've read this far, would you wear just "any" jeans? No you wouldn't. New Designer Jeans are best. Buy them on a Tuesday preferably on a boulevard so you know they're fresh.

STEP 2. Have someone wash them once just to soften the fabric. STEP 3. Take off the jeans. STEP 4. Taking a pair of scissors, or pinking shears, make an incision in the front plaquet of the jeans where the two legs meet, ideally three fingers in width to start. Then widen as needed to birth your head, and your new fashion you!

STEP 5. Wear to impair! STEP 6. As frugal ballet students do with their tights, a second pair of matching jeans may be fashioned into a headscarf, and a third pair can be worn as you usually do.* * NOTE: Velcroing a beret to your butt is optional, but will be a must for those fashion completists. ANNABELLA OREKSYA A former model from Moscow, Annabella does what she likes and wears what Europe tells her. And hopes you will too SHOOT CREDITS: Models: Charlotte Bydwell and La Yara Photography: Dexter Sinister Special Thanks to Scavenger Jo. 33

PACK LIGHT PACK RIGHT WASTE NOT - WANT NOT PROJECTS FOR THE SUMMER

PLANE TICKETS BOUGHT; GROWLERS MCSCRATCHEN AND LADY PINKMITTENS DROPPED off at their Aunty’s; Foot cream, head cream, upper upper thigh cream, and ear cream put into individual 8 oz bottles and packed into plastic bag for carry on (I try to avoid the TSA body scanners, unfortunately the raised birthmark on my lower back resembles the written Arabic word “Allah”). Now the only thing keeping me from enjoying my third annual trip to Lake Ontario’s “Swingles” Cruise is this 50 pound weight dragging behind me, and I’m not talking about my goiter! Packing small luggage saves you money on checked bag fees and the embarrassment of wearing the same fudge stained “Hello Kitty” shirt all week while waiting for your lost bag. It just takes a little creativity and finding new uses for your usual vacation essentials.

SUNSCREEN Great Lake beaches get their fair share of rays, so it’s important for this fair skinned swingler to use a lot of sunscreen. Beyond protecting your body, this magic lotion can find its use in the nighttime as well! Take a page from the Japanese by applying a thick layer to your face, emulating the kabuki style of makeup. This exotic look will make you the hit of any beach side bonfire, and will accentuate every expression on your face. And if all goes well at the beach, you can take advantage of the lotions…slippery qualities back in your cabin.

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FLIP FLOPS While on vacation, I live in my flip-flops! After I figured out that I could just cut holes in my socks for the strap, they’re even more enjoyable to wear. But when you get in that hammock for a mid day snooze, don’t throw them aside, put them on your face! A small strap flips your flop into the perfect sleep-mask. To avoid looking a bit “kooky,” take advantage of the nearest tropical flowers and vegetation. You’ll look like a true sleeping beauty, waiting for a prince to come wake you up! (Or the nearest beach hobo, which on occasion goes well, but often ends poorly, so it’s a gamble).

OTHER KNICKS AND KNACKS Postcards are expensive and impersonal, and there’s paper everywhere! Grab a piece from the bar menu and circle every drink you sampled, rip a square from your beach towel, or peel off that sunburn and put a stamp on it! Nothing is too personal. Cameras can also be a hassle, and the fear of losing them can keep you from bringing one along on your more adventurous days. I just cut a hole in my favorite sun hat and turn it into a super secret spy camera! Tres chic and helps you get secret picks of those "muscly" pale canooks! EDIE MICKENS

>ragamuffin

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WE HOPE THAT THIS ISSUE HELPED TO SOLVE THESE PROBLEMS:

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU. YOU'LL NO LONGER BRING CRAP EYELINER TO A PROPER KIDNAPPING

HARRASSMENT IN ITS PROPER ENVIRONMENT CAN BE PATRIOTIC

BUNNIES AREN'T THE ONLY THING YOU SEE WHEN YOU LOOK AT THE CLOUDS

IF YOU DON'T HAVE HANTS, YOU MIGHT AS WELL NOT WEAR PANTS

CHARITY TO ONESELF IS THE GREATEST GIFT YOU CAN GIVE

PACKING FOR THE BEACH SHOULDN'T LEAD TO YOU BEING SENT PACKING

FADS ARE THICKER THAN BLOOD R AG AM U F F I N

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