Insecurity Ragazine Issue 11 by Tanata Productions LLC

DRUNK'S MORE FUN

DON’T LET YOUR BABY

LOOK OLD!

CRUSHING HIS DREAMS

REBOUND GIRL MOTHER EVE STRUDEL METROPOLITAN

THE FITNESS ISSUE

(IT’S THE 80’S AGAIN… THE 1880’S)

BE YOUR OWN

BLIND DATE

AND MUCH

MORE!

DECEMBER 2011

print web graphic design small business

personal

kim

marketing

cortes

INSECURITY R AG A Z IN E

com

email@kimcortes.com [646] 322-7347

art direction

CONTENTS >our insecurities 8

FROM THE EDITOR

>hemlines 10

12 14

DON’T LET YOUR BABY LOOK OLD! TIPPING THE SCALES DRUNK'S MORE FUN

>rag times 18 22

BE YOUR OWN BLIND DATE MODERN MIRACLE DIETS

>waxing poetic 24 26

CIRCLE JERKS, WHAT A JERK! WHAT IF MY FACE TRANSPLANT IS UGLY?

>insecurious 28

CRUSHING HIS DREAMS

>hanging by a thread 30

BRAIN FLAKES

>raggedy man 32 34

SUPER MARIO MUTHA MEMORY FOAM

>ragamuffin 38 39 41

ASTROLOGICAL STATUS UPDATE RESOLVE THIS! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU C O N TE N TS

EDITOR-IN-CHIEF DESIGN DIRECTOR EXECUTIVE EDITOR FASHION DIRECTOR EXECUTIVE MANAGING EDITOR DEPUTY EDITOR EDITORIAL BRAND DIRECTOR PHOTOGRAPHY DIRECTOR

MEET THE INSECURE TEAM BEAUTY ASSOCIATE BEAUTY EDITOR BEAUTY ASSISTANT

Penny Thurman Nice Reve

ART DIRECTOR CARICATURE DESIGN ENTERTAINMENT DIRECTOR BEAUTY DIRECTOR DEPUTY ARTICLES EDITOR

FEATURES SENIOR EDITOR WRITING STAFF

ART DEPUTY ART DIRECTOR SENIOR DESIGNER DIGITAL IMAGE SPECIALIST ART MANAGER

Annette Riley Leland Burt Delora Rogowski Chandra Robbins

FASHION INTERPRETE HAUTE COUTURE FASHION AND ACCESSORIES MARKET DIRECTOR SENIOR FASHION MARKET EDITOR ACCESSORIES EDITOR FASHION ASSISTANT SENIOR FASHION EDITOR SENIOR BOOKING EDITOR FASHION EDITOR ASSOCIATE FASHION EDITOR

Neno Avendre Pat Parr Norma Chu Madison Hearst Tabitha Michelson Luther Evans Cara Polk Olive Wright Kellee June

Melanie Worhtiam Eddie Fuentes Beatriz Romano Valasquez Anneler Stephen Barrett Tim Alford Tamara Ellison Clara T. Joseph Dunne Nick Byron Susan Wilson Sheryn Braun Selena Gleason

MODELS

PHOTOGRAPHY SPECIAL THANKS:

Harriet Bonaparte Rebecca Rhodus, Shawna Richardson, Jennifer Coosebury, Annabella Oreksya, Deirdre Trol-Stevens, Tabby Malloy, Margo Van Norte, Torie Baxley, Rosie Salazar, Kym Tyler-Donnelly, Annabelle Mason, Doreen Canasto, Debbie Kinkokan, Bretty Kyley, Lavontor Smith, Teri Foxx, Chatterly Pendleton, Anna Simone Sinclair, Roberta Anne Jackson Charlotte Bydwell La Yara Dexter Sinister Scavenger Jo

INSECURITYRAG.COM SENIOR WEB DEVELOPER WEB EDITOR BEAUTY EDITOR

Benjamin T. Haynes, Esquire Lucile Xiong Mauro Holcomb

PHOTO PRODUCER PHOTOGRAPHER HAIR AND MAKE-UP WARDROBE STYLING PROP STYLING SENIOR PHOTO EDITOR, RESEARCH PHOTO PRODUCTION ASSOCIATE ASSOCIATE EDITOR, RESEARCH COPY AND RESEARCH COPY AND RESEARCH DIRECTOR DEPUTY COPY CHIEF RESEARCH EDITOR COPY EDITOR

Clara T. Midori Sauer Bubba P. Meme Meeetropolis Dub P. Audrey Goldstein Kyle Dawson Corina Manchester Margarito Burroughs Tim Pulnik Jaques Barry Bettie Branch Frank Leischman

ADVERTISING & SALES ADVERTISING DIRECTOR DIRECTOR OF MARKETING STRATEGY EXECUTIVE BEAUTY DIRECTOR ADVERTISING SERVICES DIRECTOR

MARKETING & PROMOTION MARKETING DIRECTOR CREATIVE SERVICES DIRECTOR ART DIRECTOR PROMOTION DIRECTOR ASSOCIATE PROMOTION DIRECTOR SPECIAL PROJECTS MANAGER PROMOTION COORDINATOR

INSECURITY R AG A Z IN E

Leo Stiles Jimmy Arlene Maureen Cooper Alfred Miles

Michelle Vincent Amy Gengler Laurel Holland Vikki Schnurr David LaCascia Marlena Pineda Milos Pellerin

>welcome!

RAGVERTISE WITH THE WORLD’S FIRST

ONLINE FASHION RAGAZINE Insecurity Ragazine is to fashion what the Colbert Report is to politics. At Insecurity Ragazine, our goal is to become the de-facto lunch destination of women everywhere, a Lunchzine in the spirit of The Onion. Insecurity Ragazine presents women with an alternative venue to share their experiences and find great stories using innovative page turning technology. Combining a monthly online periodical with a community driven website, Insecurity Ragazine will provide a unique location for women’s voices and humor, unlike any found in today’s marketplace.

For more information, to speak with our advertising team or for Pricing, send us an email at:

Ragvertise@InsecurityRag.com Or Leave a Message At:

724-964-6727 (RAG-96-INSCR)

C O N TE N TS

>the insecure team MEET THE

WRITERS

Since a number of us here at the Rag are camera shy, we asked the incredible Nick Byron to illustrate our Staff writers so that you may come to love them as much as we do. Over the next few months we'll be spending more time introducing them to you.

MELANIE WORTHIAM

SHAWNA RICHARDSON

CRYSTAL ST. GIBBONS

KIM TYLER-DONNELLY

JENNIFER COOSEBURY

TABBI MALLOY

EDITOR IN CHIEF

STAFF WRITER

INSECURITY R AG A Z IN E

STAFF WRITER

CORRINA JULIAN RBOUND GIRL

REBECCA RHODUS

STAFF WRITER

DEIRDRE TROL-STEVENS

ANNABELLE OREKSYA

EDIE MICKENS

ANNABELLE MASON

STAFF WRITER

STAFF WRITER Insecurity Ragazine’s Fashion Niece, T.A.

STAFF WRITER

DOREEN CANASTO

STAFF WRITER

DR. JOYCE KISSINGER

STAFF WRITER

C O N TE N TS

>our insecurities

FROM THE EDITOR HAPPY HOLIDAYS FROM THE FOLKS HERE at the Ragazine. It’s been an interesting fall at best, and I think that I learned something about trust, friendship, and the deep dark chasm in between. If you remember from our last periodical, I had just rallied the troops to put together the Vacation Issue. It was a huge success and plans were underway for our Fitness Issue. Luckily, I was able to hire some old friends to come work for me. Needless to say, things didn’t work out as I had hoped. The only good thing that has come out of the past few months, is the dedication, love, and support of my biggest fan, my husband Robert. When I was much younger my friends and I were on the same page. We worked long hours, drank long cocktails, and spent endless days keeping each other company. None of us had money, aspirations, or egos. It’s the same type of spirit that I’ve been fostering here at the Ragazine. At our first meeting, I informed everyone that I was their boss, I was going to make their life miserable, and the only thing in the world that was going to make things more manageable was their friendship and support for one another. I felt it important at the time to force my staff to become friends, and in doing so, create a better Ragazine for you all of you. Normally, when I give this speech, there are a few individuals who aren’t willing to give it a chance, and end up leaving immediately for the unemployment line. In most cases, 8

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it’s usually someone from the I.T. part of the company, and in this case, my web programmer and web designer both vacated their positions, allowing me to hire two friends from my past. I won’t bore you with the details, but I don’t think that we’re going to be exchanging Holiday wreaths this year, or any year from now on. After a short time, it was evident that the situation was not going to work out, and that I needed to let them go. It was the hardest thing that I have ever done, and it took me almost four months to find the right words. Luckily, I’m married to a man who is both caring and concise, and was able to quickly phrase what I had been agonizing over, week in and week out. For those of you in my situation, might I offer a bit of advice... don’t be afraid to ask for help. Anyway, I’ve gone on and on and not properly introduced this month’s theme, Fitness. That’s right ladies, it’s the 80’s again, and it’s time to get buff and beautiful for the New Year. Instead of going for that easy Olivia Newton John look, however, we decided to go way back in the time machine and remind you of a period where fitting into a corset was far more difficult than doing a couple of jumping jacks. That’s right, it’s the 1880’s and you had better get a move on if you want to stay ahead of the caste set. So lay down, take off your bonnets and share your holidays with those who truly love you.

MELANIE WORTHIAM EDITOR IN CHIEF INSECURITY RAGAZINE

O U R I N S E C U R I TI E S

>hemlines

DON’T LET YOUR BABY LOOK OLD! YOUR BABY MAY ACT THEIR AGE, BUT THEY DON’T HAVE TO LOOK IT

YOUR SKIN IS THE LARGEST ORGAN you’ve got. You wouldn’t settle for looking less than your youthful best, why would you want any less for your baby? Wrinkles, dry skin, second chins can sneak up on you before you know it. Don’t let your

INSECURITY R AG A Z IN E

PHOTO: Gonzalo Merat, Looking Back, Some rights reserved

baby look any older than it has too. Below we present seven tips to keep your fourteen month old looking four months old and as good as new. Remember a cosmetician’s advice is not to be given preference to a real doctor, so be sure to check with your pediatrician about what’s right for your baby before trying any of these yourself at home.

1. HYDRATE, HYDRATE, HYDRATE

As we age, our skin loses it’s elasticity, this can be compounded by dry skin caused by dehydration. Adults should get at least eight glasses of water a day, babies at least 3 (in a pinch, milk) . Hydration can help skin stay limber, elastic and supple.

2. AVOCADO PASTE

Harsh, caustic diaper rash treatments can irritate sensitive youthful skin. Pamper your baby’s skin with more than, well, pampers. An Avocado or other vegetable scrub applied twice daily unevenly across the face and body with hands or spoons can help exfoliate dead skin cells and replenish and encourage new skin growth. It’s easy to overlook, but no less important to do.

3. BEAUTY REST

If we don’t get enough sleep, it starts to show first in our face, then in our posture, and our energy levels. You and your baby should be getting at least 12 hours a sleep a day for proper beauty levels. If you aren’t letting your child sleep at least 8-12 hours a night, you are a bad parent and need to make an adjustment to your approach. Try turning the television down to a more soothing level and refraining from playing raucous music after 9pm. In most cases this should do it.

4. CAFFEINE EYE GEL

Sleepless nights take their toll on us all and for those rare occasions when your baby isn’t sleeping like a, well, baby - this quick

Hollywood fix-up may be called for. Previously an expensive tool available to only famous hollywood babies named after fruits and minerals, JavaFace Roll-on Bags To Go(TM) Eye Stick can now be purchased at any major metropolitan cosmetics boutique for about $30 an ounce. Be careful not to get it IN the baby’s eye, or let them eat it, but gently apply this under their eyes and it causes puffy, baggy eyes to virtually disappear.

5. ONE SIZE UP

Dress your baby one size up, so they look like they’re still growing into their clothes. If you can’t do this with their whole wardrobe, try to at least make sure the baby’s hat is too big for them and keeps falling off. This suggest a more youthful appearance. Having a lean budget is no excuse for letting your baby look old!

6. PLAYDATE OLDER

Don’t let your baby be photographed with younger babies, only let them play and be filmed playing with older babies, so they look younger by comparison.

7. PLAN B

At some point your baby is going to start looking older and acting older in ways that are unavoidable, at which point the best thing to do is to have another baby with the same name and take this one out in public.

ANNABELLA OREKSYA , Annabella Oreksya has no children of her own, but no shortage of opinions. HEMLINES

TIPPING THE SCALES SCALING BACK; MOVING FORWARD 1. SOAP DISH Weigh your soap before and after to determine how clean you got/how dirty you really are.

2. MODERN ART Streak the remains of your monthly periods over it. Make sure you are making a statement or make it a continuous work until you finish The Change. Or are you marking a year of celibacy, ticking off the time until you have a baby? Do you only eat one type of food to see how that changes your flow? Whatever you decide, make sure to film it so you can also make a timelapse video of the creation.

3. LIGHTING FIXTURE Use floss to hang it from the ceiling. Add to its sensory appeal by using both minty fresh and/ or spicy cinnamon flavors.

4. AQUARIUM FOR LEECHES Keeps them handy for your bloodletting treatments.

5. PALETTE Palette for mixing your make your own masques and deep conditioners. 12

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6. TOILET SEAT COVER That way when you do feel the urge to weigh your ass, at least either you can’t see the number or you piss on it.

7. SINK For the drain, cut out where the numbers used to be and make that where you can spit out your toothpaste and what remains of the local fair trade triple chocolate ice cream you just licked from the reusable tub it came in.

8. PILLOW REST WHEN TAKING A BATH Make sure to take out any batteries first. You don’t want to contaminate your fancy imported Epsom or Dead Sea salts.

9. MIRROR Fix it to the number you want it to always read and attach it securely to the wall or still use it to step on. If you see it everyday and you smile, itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s like osmosis.

10. BOMB Close any doors, windows or vents. Turn off any fans. Mix all the chemicals in your bathroom together. You may not even have to set the numbers to count down depending on what toxins you have in your cabinets. Either stay or run. Your choice, you Biggest Loser, you.

SOPHIE LEE HEMLINES

DRUNK’S MORE FUN A HOLIDAY GUIDE It’s the most wonderful time of the year… again. Christmas carols are playing from every loudspeaker within earshot, and elderly relatives are already calling to see what you want and what they should cook. Your boss is grumpily wondering if Christmas Day is a “real holiday” and asking HR if they can deduct everyone a vacation day. Your sister has once again dictated everyone’s holiday plans by scheduling Christmas Eve at her house, which she gets away with every year because she asks everyone in July, and nobody can think up a good excuse fast enough. (I’m ready for her next year though. Toe surgery scheduled for Christmas Eve 2012. Bring it on sis!) It’s a crying shame that what used to be a beautiful, happy, giving time of year has morphed into a stressful, commercial, goinginto-debt, refill-your-Xanax time. I yearn to return to the carefree Christmases of my youth, and after much experimentation, have decided that the solution is very simple: alcohol. Not falling down drunk, and not unable to function, and not getting fired, but finding that sweet spot of having just enough juice in your system every day to make it through the holidays without having a nervous breakdown,

November 27th There has to be some kind of sports on the tube, right? True Americans wouldn’t do this without Bud Light and nachos handy. November 28th Find a group of people who didn’t see you over Thanksgiving and propose a Happy Hour Monday to recover from all those relatives. (I mean, we all have a racist cousin, yes?) November 29th Rent’s due! Find a few friendly neighbors and down a jello shot for every day you plan on paying late. November 30nd Wine tasting at the local liquor store. It’s important to sample a few before making holiday purchases. December 1st Go back to liquor store a buy a few bottles of your favorite tasting. Crack one open to sample with dinner to make sure they gave you the right one. December 2nd Allow yourself to be talked into sneaking out of work early to go to Darts Night with the “Gang”. Try to forget how boring The Gang is.

Below are some of my favorite holiday standbys for you to enjoy

December 3rd – 5th Hair of the Dog to recover from boring Darts Night.

The Day after Thanksgiving This is an easy one. Plan a post-Thanksgiving brunch with loads of Bloody Marys. (If you find yourself going shopping or uttering the words “Black Friday” – you’ve had too much.)

December 6th St. Nick’s Day. Have a St. Nick’s Day party and make some kind of punch. It doesn’t matter that nobody has heard of it.

November 26 Still technically Thanksgiving weekend. Turkey leftovers go great with pilsner. th

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December 7th – 9th Find out that you have to use up the rest of your company sick days by the end of the year

or lose them forever. Buy a giant bottle of NyQuil and call in sick. December 10th Emily Dickenson’s birthday. Invite over a few former English majors (preferably ones who didn’t graduate) and have mulled hard cider while reading depressing poems out loud. December 11th Post Emily Dickenson’s day… or was it Emily Post Day….Call your friends and ask them if this is a drinking holiday. When they say no, have a toast in their honor.

HEMLINES

December 12th Go to your local video store and rent every Christmas movie ever made. Have a marathon week of childhood favorites with anyone who doesn’t have plans (PS – Most people will at this time of year). Post a note in the lobby of your building or on Craig’s List if it comes to that. Come up with a drinking game involving snow. December 13th While foraging around for lunch, discover an untouched 6-pack of Fezziwig Ale that your new neighbor friend brought over last night for your movie party. These have to be consumed in December, so get on it. December 14th You discover simultaneously that Hanukkah is eight days long and about Manischewitz Buy a bottle immediately and make someone invite you over to their family Hanukkah dinner. December 15th Is that cold coming back? Hot toddy before bedtime.

lunchtime without a shopping list and immediately get overwhelmed. Find a Ruby Tuesday’s and order some awful sugary rum drink with an umbrella. December 21st Stay home in the evening and wrap gifts bought from mall trip. Sip a small glass of wine to keep from throwing rolls of paper across the room. December 22nd Buy a Christmas tree and make some hot buttered rum to cheer you up while attempting to decorate it. Are the pine needles supposed to be brown and falling off? December 23rd Last day the office is open. Someone there will be a bad influence and convince everyone at work to leave by 3pm and go out for drinks. That someone could be you. December 24th – 31st Everyone drinks from Christmas Eve through New Year’s Eve so just blend in. January 1st – You made it! Make a cup of herbal tea and take advantage of one of the many discounts on gym memberships. You’re going to need it, because you can’t have done this right without packing on 10 or 15 pounds. See you next year!

December 16th Anniversary of the Boston Tea Party. The recent political tea parties can help you make a real party of it. Call up your rabid right-wing conservative friends and your left-wing hippie friends, and invite them all over and spike the tea with something strong. Authentic Revolutionary War costumes is a nice touch, but firearms must be checked at the door. December 17th Leftover “tea” for breakfast. You have a presentation to present on Monday, so this is actually kind of crucial. December 18th Sunday Office Christmas Party. Need we say more? December 19th Hair of the Dog to recover from Sunday Office Christmas Party. December 20th Go to the mall around 16

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DOREEN CANASTO

HEMLINES

>rag times

BE YOUR OWN BLIND DATE DOROTHY PARKER WAS WRONG –

MEN OFTEN MAKE PASSES AT WOMEN WHO CAN’T SEE IT’S NO LONGER ENOUGH TO BE ALOOF. YOU MUST BE COMPLETELY UNAWARE. How many times have you bemoaned the amount of work dating entails? All the research, the due diligence, the preparation, the investment in absurd makeup fads, the hours of getting ready before hand for who knows what. Wouldn’t it be nice if you could attract men with your eyes closed? Don’t just be carefree, abandon all responsibility -- and have men flock to meet you. There’s nothing more irresistible to men than a warm welcome from someone totally unavailable. We’ll show you how with these twelve steps to this eye catching (and hiding) look.

WHAT YOU’LL NEED:

8 oz of white pancake or eye shadow (resist the urge to use sparkles). 1 Black Liquid eyeliner or halloween makeup 1 or 2 Blue, Green, Brown or hazel liquid lip liner, eyeliner or halloween makeup. 1 tube fool proof mascara 4 makeup brushes (water color brushes or turkey basters if you have very large eyes)









Call a friend or your “wingman” best gal friend over; this is a look that’s hard to get and give yourself.

Put on the “Lady From Ipanema” or other popular standard to get you in the mood to go clubbing.

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Applying white makeup liberally to a brush, gently, very gently apply it to your friend’s eyelids from the tip of the upper lash to the eyebrow bone (just under the eyebrow).

Using a different color for the “iris” apply an eye pigment of your choice -blue or green pictured-, or brown in a circle in the center of your closed (!) eyelid. Fill in the circle.

R AG TI M E S



Using the third brush add a light amount of black eyeliner to it and draw a circle around the “iris”.



Still using the black eyeliner, line the edge of the area of the eyelids you have painted white.



Continuing with the black eyeliner put a dot in the center of the “iris” to form the faux pupil.



Optionally add black “lashes” to the top of your eyelid -- three or so lines 45 degrees off the line you put at the tip of your lid. 20

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

Repeat for each eye, then powder, oh yes, you’ll also need powder.



After a moment to let them dry, switch with your friend. And with their eyes open (important!) have them repeat steps 1-9 for you.



Make your way (occasionally peeking) to a public place, bar, restaurant, cafe, nightclub, library or park.



Wait for what may be attractive men to approach you in droves. Then open your eyes and see what you’ve caught in your net.

ANNABELLA OREKSYA , A former model from Moscow, Annabella Oreksya does what she likes and wears what Europe tells her. And hopes you will too.

R AG TI M E S

MODERN MIRACLE DIETS HOW RELIGION AND WEIGHT

HAVE BEEN LOST IN RECENT TIMES FROM THE DAWN OF MANKIND, WOMEN have felt the need to shed unwanted weight and girth at the behest of special occasions, wooing rituals and even non obligatory fasting customs. In today’s society, however, science, not oligarchy has defined a woman’s path towards a thinner, more attenuated, “bean pole point of view” for our girl on the street just looking to lose a few pounds before attending that gala opening with the future Mr. Husband. During the transition between nineteenth century rawboned recommendations and today’s more clinical studies, the fine art of weight loss called the “Miracle Diet” has been transformed from it’s religious based roots into a more agnostic abomination that leaves women not only spiritually bereft, but often times much heavier than when they began the diet, both in the thighs and in the soul. A quick historical review of the Miracle Diet not only demonstrates how far today’s practices have strayed from it’s original roots, it also gives us clues as to how we might once again find favor from the heavens and drop ten to twenty pounds in the process. To begin, we must first look at the first steps down the path towards a rarified religious experience. In short, there are four types of Miracle Diets:

INSECURITY R AG A Z IN E

SEMEION: Based on signs, often referred to as the Divine Diet TERATA: Wonder causing events, sometimes referred to as the Wonder Diet DUNAMIS: A diet involving superhuman power, (slang- Samson’s Diet) ERGA: The diet and workout plan God would choose if He indeed needed to lose weight. (The All of The Above Diet)

THE DIVINE DIET

As many of us know, the timing of a diet plays a major role in it’s execution. But how do you know when to start? With the Semeion Divine Diet, all you need is a sign from above to begin. Look out for demons leaving loved ones, sudden movement of stars, the sun, moon or small mountains, unfamiliar dialects suddenly making sense, or our personal favorite, multiple non-poisonous snake bites. With the Divine Diet, you’re just one apostolic mark away from looking your best.

THE WONDER DIET

It’s all well and good for you to be thrilled with your weight loss, but what about the rest of mankind? How much better will those skinny jeans feel when they are admired, adored and loved by the teaming masses straining to get a look at your pre-college form? With the Terata Wonder Diet, you’ll be able to use sacramental presence to invoke a sense of awe amongst the

unclean masses who have been praying their entire life for a sign so amazing, that it could only be fulfilled by you.

SAMSON’S DIET

(slang) For the Old Testament seeking fasters out there, with the Dunamis Diet, you’ll be able to cling to one food group and drop the pounds faster than the columns can come tumbling down. To begin, pick a dietary pillar to cast out into the dessert, whether it be loaves, fishes, water, wine, or goat. By eliminating one of these food groups, your strength and unwanted muscle mass will fade away, leaving a leaner looking you. Don’t let your enemies dissuade you from this method, after all, they’re just a bunch of Philistines who want to jab out your eyes and chain you to the temple. But we know how this story ends… don’t we?

ALL OF THE ABOVE DIET

So you say you’ve tried everything AD and BC under the sun and nothing works for you? Instead of looking back and turning that unwanted fat into a pillar of salt, look up and ask yourself, “what would He do?” Luckily for you, He’s done it all, and so can you! That’s right, we said it, diets, even Miracle Diets don’t work for everyone. Sometimes you’re going to have to put a little sweat into your routine to get the results you want. After all, Earth wasn’t built in a day, and either should your body. With the Erga Works-Out Diet, you’ll be required to performs some pretty big feats, and chances are most of the masses won’t even acknowledge your sacrifice. Oh sure it will be fun going around the countryside healing the sick , feeding the poor and saving the souls of millions, but in the end, who are you going to be spending time with at two o’clock in the morning? On the plus side, theologians throughout history will debate how

many ounces you dispelled from your waistline, but more importantly we think you’ll feel great about yourself, no matter how many people betray you. With the All of The Above Diet, we’re confident that you’ll be able to do unto yourself what most of us are afraid to do unto ourselves.

SHAWNA RICHARDSON

Authors Note: When dieting, please make sure to stay hydrated, be aware of your limitations and beware of false prophets bearing false signs. R AG TI M E S

>waxing poetic

CIRCLE JERKS WHAT A JERK! SIX MINUTES TO A MORE PERFECT YOU LADIES, I HAVE A CONFESSION TO MAKE, so I’m just going to be loud and proud and let it all hang out there for the world to see. Now, I never thought I would say this in a million years, but here goes: I jerk myself off on a constant basis. Oh, yes. That’s right. I do indeed. Regularly – every other day, in fact, in order to achieve my idea of physical perfection. And now that I’ve made it a habit, I am downright addicted and I just can’t get enough. In fact, I love the results so much, that I’m always begging for more. I feel better, I look better, I am the brand new me I have always wanted to be, and I’m hoping the tale of my journey will inspire you to realize that you can do the same. It doesn’t need to take you hours laboring over the same exhaustive up and down, back and forth, and all around routine where you can barely get up the energy to perform for very little rewarding results. We all know this doesn’t make us happy and leaves us frustrated, feeling sorry for ourselves and sitting in judgment of our presumed destiny of failure. Now you can join the ranks of women everywhere who are learning to jerk and jerk good and fast, reaching satisfying results 24

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in a mere 6 minutes. You’ll be flexing those brand new muscles in no time, flaunting the world those fancy sundresses and hot tank top numbers you’ve been storing with the moth balls, and feeling like you could, in fact, leap tall buildings in a single bound, or at least command a small army of men to leap those tall buildings for you. “How?” you ask. “How do I unleash my womanhood in such an effective manner? Easy as banana cream pie. Find a mirror that shows no less than ¾ of your body. Think about a song you like to sing or listen to that will relax you and take your mind off the task and most importantly, the outcome. As you start to sing it to yourself, or crank the stereo, take hold of it between both of your hands and surrender to its’ knowledge. Grasp it with certitude and begin with a gentle repetitive up and down (north and south) motion to ease into the experience. Again, be sure to use both hands. Feel the gentle jostle of the up and down motion and let it do the work for you. Graduate slowly to repeating the same motion, but first with the right hand alone (east to west) holding it and then the left hand alone (also east to west) holding it. Don’t worry if one side feels stronger than the other. As your confidence builds, so too will your strength. Keep breathing steadily. Once you have fully explored each side, then join your hands together, holding it once more and go back and forth, left to right, on an even plane so as not to disturb nature’s natural and God-given alignment. Your hips may start to sway in rhythm, matching the action of your hands. Do not tell your body to stop. Listen. It knows what it wants to do. I often find at this point it helps me to let Olivia Newton-John’s “Let’s Get Physical” run through the ticker tape parade in my head. “Let me hear your body talk,” baby.

you get tired, you can switch later, alternating which of your hands is at the top.) If you push yourself to explore the depths of this posture, though you may want to resist it the most and it may make you squirm with what feels like intolerable discomfort, if you gently but firmly encourage yourself to just go there and vigorously shake it up and down (again, north to south here), you will complete Cycle One of your every other day 6 minutes mission and you can repeat the entire series again. At any point in time, should your body be telling you it can definitely endure more, feel free to dial the intensity up a notch or two. Trust me, you can handle it. The body doesn’t lie. Ladies, I promise you – take it from someone who knows firsthand – if you follow these steps, you will not only feel like the prettiest and buffest girl in town, you will be the prettiest and buffest girl in town. No man will be able to resist your charms. You will feel strong, but you will be vulnerable. You will be every man’s dream. Your muscles will bulge in all the right places, exactly where you want them to. And there, in a pinch, you have it! Jerk off and work off. Don’t you want to run out and buy your Shake Weight now? It’ll be your smartest purchase this century, and your man (real or TBD) will stand in awe of your bodacious biceptitude. Hawt.

MOTHER EVE

Lastly, take it from behind, one hand on top of the other for maximum effectiveness. (If WAX I N G PO E TI C

WHAT IF MY FACE TRANSPLANT IS UGLY? QUESTIONS SCIENCE CAN’T ANSWER

The wonders of modern science never ceases to amaze me. Nowadays we’re able to grow organs in fat people, visually repair people who have let age get the best of them, and most recently, perform a complete face transplant. That’s right, there’s now a medical procedure that will allow a doctor to graft the face of a different person on to your body. Now you might be saying to yourself, “What would I possibly do with someone else’s face? Aren’t I completely beautiful the way that I am? Why would I ever want to stand in the DMV line twice in the same year?” These are exactly the hard hitting questions that I asked several reliable sources who are familiar with the procedure, and here are some of the answers I received.

1: The procedure is usually meant for people who have been in a horrific accident that destroyed their face.

2: This procedure is usually NOT what the

medical profession calls “elective” and not covered by every insurance company (check your policy). 26

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3: The operation can last as long as

twenty to thirty hours, which is as long as flying to Taiwan…and about as exciting. These answers are all well and good, but there was one burning question that no one seemed able to address. What happens if the only face available is ugly? I know that by even asking this question, I may appear shallow, but it is you dear reader that I must serve. Let’s look at the financial, psychological and societal issues that you might encounter when dealing with a below average appearance. The first consideration when allowing an unworthy visage to be sewn on your body is strictly fiscal. In short, it costs a lot of money to upgrade an ugly puss into a passable facade. Ask any drag queen over fifty how much scratch it takes to get through each day, and you’ll hear a number that will make you gasp. Luckily for them, most have day jobs to get them through the night, but how will that fare for you when you try to keep up your appearance for at least 18 hours a day (24 if you want to have sex with someone). Certain financial ruin is on the horizon of anyone who settles for a sub par snout, and so I say “buyer beware”.

Although I could not find any shrinks specializing in self loathing brought on by unsuccessful face surgery, I’m sure it’s just a matter of time before Bravo has a television about that. Aside from your personal pain, imagine the horror you will inflict upon the friends and loved ones who must now lie to you about your appearance and secretly carry the image of what once was. Even old boyfriends who carry your picture in their wallet will be confused when they look you up on Facebook and double check their stalking facts. You could try to put up a post saying what happened, but let’s be honest, who really cares? After all, they didn’t name the world’s most successful social website, “I-used-to-be-pretty-but-I-got-mauled-andhad-to-settle-for-this-ugly-FACE-book (www. IUTBPBIGMAHTSFTUFACEBOOK.com). Lastly there are social mores associated with having a new face overnight. Blame Hollywood if you want, but the fact of the matter is that every “body switching” movie that we’ve ever seen casts two very good looking actors to tell the story. No matter how “crazy” things get, there’s never a scene with homeless people running away in disgust from a despicable mug and even a mother couldn’t love. Imagine how people will react to you in the “real world” without the advantage of lighting and personalized soundtracks. The advancement of power over the flesh is a truly a wonder to behold. Unless, however, it’s performed with an eye towards fashion, it will forever be associated with that negligently antiquated time when women would pinch their cheeks to appear healthy. At least back then, it was their own cheeks.

SHAWNA RICHARDSON

WAX I N G PO E TI C

>insecurious

CRUSHING HIS DREAMS IT MAY BE THE ONLY WAY TO MAKE YOURS COME TRUE

IN A RECENT NATIONAL POLL OF SIXTH was a down and out playwright who swung grade children, both boys and girls were asked a hammer during the day to make enough what they wanted to become when they grew scratch to keep you in silk underwear. You two up. Impressively enough, a young lady’s were very much in love, but as time passed, he dreams far outpace their male counterparts continued to dream, while you did everything in both scope and complexity (glass ceiling you could to hold together the life you created beware). Up and coming young for him. After all, it was YOUR women aspire to bring joy to “… dreams are apartment that you both moved the sick and poor, inspire their into, and if dreaming that you’ll only useful if fellow man to do better, and to get to live in it forever sounds bring world peace to, well… the you can use a bit meager compared to his world. We like to think that a most recent project to bring major reason for this sharp rise them in the free shoelaces to inner-city kids, in expectations is due to fashion than so be it. None of your here and now.” magazines like the one you are footwear even has shoe laces, reading now. Where as women at one time and how often do you travel to the inner city? only thought about nursing, teaching and Just because he opened up a small theater home care, today’s youth are focused on using program there, doesn’t mean that you should their wealth, influence and public personas have to take a bus every time you want to see to make the world a much sexier place to him. We agree with you and have come up live. But what about your dreams? As the with some easy to follow steps to help your generation that bridged that gap between dreams make his dreams look like last year’s Madonna and Lady Gaga, what bag of dreams meat sweater. are you left holding, and more importantly, has your significant other’s dreams outpaced STEP 1: PUT A TIME LIMIT your own? ON BOTH OF HIS DREAMS. When the two of you first met, it was all very cute and playful. You had decided to pursue a career in cultural linguistics while keeping up your modeling gigs to help pay the bills. He 28

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While he’s been out teaching poor kids how to recite Shakespeare and tie their shoes at the same time, you’ve been slaving away making sure that you’re still better looking than whatever scamp your ex boyfriend will try to

parade at the linguistics soiree next week. In short, dreams are only useful if you can use them in the here and now. The next time you’re alone with your beau, ask him to make a short list of what he wants to accomplish before he dies. While he’s writing down his list of “what may be’s” make sure to attach some digits on the end of them and enter the entire project into a spreadsheet program. A giant printout from the local copy shop will fit nicely on your bathroom wall and represents the timetable he is working against. Passion for his work is great, but you’re tired of telling your mom how many jewelry stores there are on the block.

STEP 2: PEER PRESSURE

than you have to make sure that your miserable keeps him from doing charitable work. To start off, go directly to bed and don’t get out of it for three days. Don’t talk to him, don’t watch TV, and don’t even read Insecurity Ragazine (we know what’s wrong with you). By the end of the second day, he’ll cancel whatever he has scheduled, and by the third day, he’ll be willing to swear off the entire world to make you happy. Calmly take him up on his offer. By separating him from the obstacles to your happiness, he’ll have more time to concentrate on you, and give you more time to concentrate on your new found dreams.

VIKKI GRUENLOH

Tit for Tat is an English saying meaning “equivalent retaliation”. In short, don’t think that just because more people ask him what he does for a living, that you’re less important. In fact, to prove this point, play this little game. The next time he asks you to come to some hole in the wall fundraiser, invite him out for dinner with your richest friends. Inevitably, you’ll all end up going to the most expensive place in town, and even if he’s able to keep up with the dinner tab, there’s no way he can afford to bribe the door guy at “Le Shra el Flek”. With you in tears, and offers from your friends to pay for the evening, Mr. Impressive to the noble set won’t feel so bright and shiny that night when he looks at himself in the mirror. Make sure to leave the help wanted ads on top of the bills, he’ll get the picture.

STEP 3: START TAKING THINGS AWAY

As a last resort, I’m afraid that you’re going to have to get tough on your young man and start removing the little things that bring him happiness, namely your money and affection. Normally we recommend “rewarding” your partner with little gifts of encouragement, but this is not one of those times. If he can’t see that his charitable work is making you miserable, INSECURIOUS

>hanging by a thread

BRAIN FLAKES MAN’S WEAKEST MUSCLE The biggest muscle in a man’s body can be found below his waist, sagging in his undergarments. I am talking, of course, about the gluteus maximus, or more crudely, his ass. For a woman, the most massive muscle can be found behind their eyes. It is no coincidence that smart women have the most beautiful eyes. We wear glasses to obscure their entrancing qualities so as not to act like sirens, leading ignorant men to what will surely be their demise.

“… he needs you to be his cerebral personal trainer…” This imbalance in size can never be corrected. Luckily, like any muscle, the brain can be exercised to become stronger and more obedient. But a man will not do this on his own, he needs you to be his cerebral personal trainer, pushing him to grow where he may not want to. To do this, you must be subtle. Do not raise your voice, do not act as if anything has changed, and most importantly, do not sympathize with the distress this regiment requires. After all, no pain…no brain. Lying on the couch in front of the TV will keep his mind distant and inaccessible. He will not respond to commands for minutes, sometimes hours if “the game” is on. Find a chore for him that requires cunning and coordination. I suggest simple tasks, such as making Buddhist 30

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rice portraits. (Remember to have him place each colored grain in an exact pattern until you find the resemblance acceptable.) Should he fail, you can make him eat his mistake for days, literally. Puzzles keep a man’s brain healthy and active well into the future. Unfortunately crosswords are for ninnies with too much time, and let’s not even bring up Sudoku. Like a labyrinth teeming with minotaurs, the most challenging puzzles are the ones with real consequences. These games can be played anywhere, any time. For example, when you see an attractive woman, simply say, “She is so pretty. Do you think she is pretty?” This will corner the man, forcing him to choose two paths, both with immediate consequences. Should he respond with “No, you’re so much prettier,” you can immediately

“… repetition can make even the strongest of minds break a sweat.” accuse him of lying. If he answers at all in the affirmative, you can counter with “So you think she’s prettier than me? You don’t find me

attractive anymore! Is that what you like? Do you want me to be more like her?!” As in the labyrinth, the beauty of these verbal puzzles is that he can work on it forever without ever finding the way out. Like curling a dumbbell for twenty counts, repetition can make even the strongest of minds break a sweat. Focus on a minute detail in a story, bring it up multiple times in the course of a day, and then test him to see if he remembers what name your best friend Debbie’s aunt named the dog they

“… breaks his mind, then rebuild it to your liking.” were thinking of giving away…but decided to keep until her sister said that she wouldn’t take it…which Debbie was pissed about…but she couldn’t really say anything because her sister doesn’t really take criticism very well… because she’s bipolar and a total mess and she thinks her husband is leaving her. You can also try playing the latest Taylor Swift single over and over until it breaks his mind, then rebuild it to your liking.

DR. JOYCE KISSINGER

H anging by a thread

>raggedy man

SUPER MARIO MUTHA DEAR STRUDEL, My son just loves his video games. He spends hours on that thing talking to his little friends on his headset and I’m starting to get worried. I feel he has become so sedentary that his healthy will really start to take a toll. He will not listen to reason. All he cares about is the next level of these games. Maybe he is filling the void for an absentee father? It’s hard to be a single mom, you know? I have no help, and I guess I relied too much on the television as a babysitter. This is all my fault. Please help, Mommy Dearest

OK MOMMY DEAREST, Calm down. I don’t think you’re as bad as that drag queen looking Joan Crawford so why don’t you pour yourself a much needed cocktail and heed my words woman. Your child does not run yo’ house. Let me repeat that, cuz although you need to take a white girl chill pill, you gotta get this through your single mom’d thick skull- YOUR CHILD DOES NOT RUN YOUR HOUSE! Do you give a crap what war he’s fighting or all those pimple infested friends he’s talking to on his phone operator headset?!? Hell no you don’t! What you DO give a crap about is him becoming a fat, socially awkward skin mo who 32

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will grow up dating mannequins and eating road kill. Take my advice, you better sit him down and tell his husky ass he needs to work! He needs to stop playin’ and start helpin’ around the house. He needs to become a man…and you’re tired of his shit. You ain’t no Mommy Doormat, now finish your cocktail, wipe them tears off your face, and make that little brat of your pick up his room! Peace Mommy. Love Always, Ladyboi Extraordinaire STRUDEL METROPOLITAN

R AG G E DY M AN

MEMORY FOAM DEAR REBOUND GIRL, My boyfriend has to sleep with a certain pillow he’s had for eons but it’s so wimpy looking and smelly. He insists that the pillow, as is, prevents him from snoring. How do I wean him off this thing? -Extra Firm

DEAR LOOSEN UP, I was recently at Bed Bath and Beyond when read your question again. I have forever been a buckwheat hull gal, but there was a time, long, long ago when I didn’t use a pillow at all. He had been laying there for forty minutes. Snoring. He fell asleep during Shavasana. The teacher left a note for him, telling me it was instructions oh how to return the mat. With a little hands-in-prayer bow, she dashed off with everyone else to hit the happy hour specials. It was my first night in this corner of the world and I was dipping my ankles in the ocean, the water was so dazzling, refreshing and clear. I wanted my feet to drink in some salt to give me balance because soon I’d be sprinkling salt on my wrist for my “hello world” first tequila shot for the evening. Suddenly I saw a little head peak up out of the water and dip back down. A turtle! I gasped but the snoring guy kept on snoring. He was ancient with some kind of seaweed growing 34

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out of his cheek. The turtle, that is. The guy, I guessed was around my age and had swimmer shoulders. Yes, he’s part of my shoulders phase. Even with the guy’s symphonic snoring, I could still hear the turtle breathing. I was captivated by my real-life animal planet encounter. My sex on the beach jello shots and local melon margaritas could wait. In between its deep oceanic (or in yoga terms, ujjayi) breaths, the turtle would catch little bugs. At one point I thought the turtle was going to walk up onto the beach. It lifted its wrinkled neck as if to breathe fire. The turtle then took a good look at me, a good look at the guy and then seemed to smile and nod very slowly three times. Oh, that magic number three. The turtle then turned and crawled back into the ocean and slowly disappeared, camouflaged back among the rocks, coral and seaweed. Just as I lost sight of the turtle, the snoring behind me stopped and the guy sat up with a start. “Where am I? What time is it? What day is it?” “You’re on a beach. It’s happy hour and it’s Tuesday.” He looked at me a little dumbfounded. He looked at the mat. He looked around this corner of the beach. “Where’s the instructor?” “I think she’s at a bar with the rest of the class. She left you a note under the mat, near your feet.” He snatched up the note. “She left me.” “Well, you only missed the Namaste. I’m sure you can thank her when you return the mat.” R AG G E DY M AN

“No. She told me to keep it and not come to her classes again. To stop “torturing both of us.” She’d been my girlfriend until…well, I moved out last week and I can barely catch a wink of sleep. I remembered how I’d always fall asleep in her classes at the end and thought, well… Didn’t you think her voice was soothing, peaceful, kind of like the ocean right now?” “Maybe you should try falling asleep to the actual sound of the ocean instead. Why not try tonight? You can just sleep on the mat.” “Good idea. I have a blanket in the car. Why not join me? Or at least join me for happy hour.” And he produced a flask from his bag. “I mixed it myself. Martini. Shaken not stirred.” He then produced some olives from some gourmet type of place. He held out both to me. I sampled. I liked. He grinned. “I haven’t seen you here before.” “I’ve been exploring my options.” “Where are you from?” I looked out across the ocean. The sunset was exploding the sky. “Wow,” he exhaled. “You know, she left me for someone who photographed her against a sky like this. She looked radiant. I was so proud of her, she was being interviewed by a yoga magazine. But one night while she was showering, I saw the folder of pictures on her computer desktop. I copied it onto my jump drive, imported it onto my own computer to create a slideshow as my screensaver. Suddenly, flashing across my screen in between her doing the Tree and the Crow poses, were her and the photographer, naked together. She was doing upward dog while he was over and in her doing downward dog. There were also some other yoga poses they combined, sexing it up, but I don’t know all the names.” 36

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He then took out his fancy tablet and started doing finger dances on it.(I was hoping he wasn’t going to show me the slideshow, and phew! he didn’t.) But he continued speaking about the positives and negatives of their relationship and what he does for a living. He’s quite successful, ambitious and then I noticed a small tattoo of a turtle on the back of his right shoulder. He told me a story about when he was a kid, every evening, he used to watch a turtle swimming, eating. He actually watched him for years. He told me some stories about this wise and wild turtle, how he seemed to communicate with him and then I told him about the turtle I saw earlier. Tears came into his eyes. Then he spoke. “I feel really vulnerable. I feel like I want to kiss you, make love to you and I don’t know a thing about you but you’ve struck this unfathomable chord with me.” His phone rang. He batted tears away, cleared his throat. “I, uh, ordered us some food from this awesome shack further down the beach. It’s ready. I’ll go run and run and pick it up.” He left and I pondered. Is this just another rebound or is the turtle really some kind of spirit guide? I ate the best mango salsa of my life as we consumed more drink and philosophized on the cosmos and the sea and our lives adrift as they were. We then proceeded to have sex three times. In the water. Not as sexy as it sounds. On the mat. Sticky. And then we were a little more traditional with the blanket he had fetched from his car. After a bit he admitted he was curious. He wanted to know what it was like making love downward/ upward doggie style. “I’m not a yoga teacher and I’m not a fan of re-enactments of your ex’s current sex life,” I

flat out told him. I have on occasion, but, it was something in how he said it that rubbed me the wrong way. “Sorry. I didn’t mean—you just have this bangin’ body and I thought…But, that was insensitive of me to put you and I in their place. Did I just take you out of the mood? What can I do for you?” We found our way back into some kind of intimacy, running our fingers through each other’s sand-soaked hair, digging a kind of sand chair to screw in and later spooned into sleep. His emphatic snoring woke me three times throughout the night. The first time I think I had only been asleep for fifteen minutes. I must have fallen asleep before him because he had rolled up his t-shirt under my head as a pillow. It took me a while to fall asleep again. Both his snoring and the ocean waves were nearing high tide, our sand chair had been washed away but we had moved a little further up the beach after our last encounter and therefore did not get covered by the waves. The second time I woke, I’d been having a nightmare, I won’t get into the gory details now, but I was killed and the snoring was the last thing I heard as the murderer slashed my abdomen and the first thing I heard as my eyes opened. I had trouble finding any sense of Zen or sleep again after that, even though the waves had calmed. For whatever reason, I tapped his turtle tattoo with my fingers, he shifted and the snoring immediately ceased and I quickly fell asleep again. A little while later, the sun was rising, I heard no snoring, but that’s because he was awake, looking at me. He kissed me and said he wasn’t sure if it was the ocean, the sex or me, or the combination of all three, that helped him sleep so sweetly. He also said he had to cure his curiosity of what the downward/upward dog felt like even if he had to be a dog to find out. Lastly, he declared that if we were meant

to be together, the turtle would reunite us. He patted my head, grabbed his mat and blanket and whispered, “your mat is your island.” His ex-girlfriend had also said that during the class as she led us into Warriors One and Two. He got into his car and drove off with a toot toot on his car horn. In need of a brave new world, I dove into the salt water and cleansed under an exploding sunrise. A flock of seagulls flew overhead and pooped on my hair. I tried getting it out in the water, but it was stuck like bubblegum. I felt like hell, I was wearing poop and my spirit was blahed. I saw he had left his t-shirt behind. I used it and some coral to get the poop out of my hair. Then I tossed the shirt in the trash. The once musky “pillow” did not need to come home with me. That’s my tale, but your boyfriend’s pillow is a different story, it’s part of his childhood. I’m sure you too, Extra Firm/Loosen Up, have mementoes from your past. Have you ever spent the night together without the pillow? Have you ever heard him snore? Would his snoring give you nightmares? If you stay together is it the kind of snoring that could confine you, weeks, months, years down the line to sleeping in different beds, in different rooms, on different floors of the same house? After a little introspection on your part, I say go for some straight up honesty and tell him his woobie smells in a way that doesn’t turn you on. I mean, that’s the problem right? It’s the smell? Figure out how to wash the smell out of it…together. As long as he’s able to listen to your needs, one limp pillow shouldn’t destroy quality time in the sack. Whether it’s armpit odor, a fart or a woobie, there are times we all say this stinks. Yours from here to eternity, REBOUND GIRL

R AG G E DY M AN

>ragamuffin

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RESOLVE THIS! January is all about second chances. It’s a brand-new year, the hustle and bustle of the holidays is over and you don’t have to see your annoying relatives again for at least 11 months. Let’s get off the couch, put down the leftover eggnog, and tackle those New Year’s resolutions together!

for an hour straight, please do this at an offpeak time, or we may have to vandalize your locker. Or worse.

RESOLUTION #1 LOSE WEIGHT

Ah yes. If you’re like most of the staff here, you were dumped by your significant other over the holidays, and spent New Year’s Eve eating ice cream in front of crap TV. Consequently, you may have a specific goal in mind of having a date by Valentine’s Day. Check out Rebound Girl for more relevant tips, but we think that if you follow #2 and go to the gym, something is bound to happen. (Unless of course, your soul mate is training for the marathon and you’re holding up the treadmill.)

Everybody, and I mean everybody has this one. I’m sure even professional athletes are feeling the paunch come January 1st. The first thing you need to do is throw away all the yummy leftovers, and that includes packaged candy and holiday cookies. The second thing you need to do is stop drinking. You don’t drink? Shut up, we know you do. Give away all the bottles of wine, gift boxes of Bailey’s Irish Cream and rich fattening holiday porters immediately. You’ll hate us now but thank us later.

RESOLUTION #2 GET IN SHAPE This one kind of makes us laugh because those of us at IR who actually do work out regularly KNOW that you newbies are never going to make it, but we’ll humor you. Take advantage of the many January health club sales, and sign up for free training sessions. Get yourself to the gym every day, and if you only use the sauna, it doesn’t count. We promise that if you do this once a day, every day for all of January, you will look and feel better. But we beg you – if you don’t know how to use a treadmill, or if you only plan to walk at a 20-minute mile pace

RESOLUTION #3 FIND TRUE LOVE

RESOLUTION #4 BECOME A BETTER PERSON We all act like total jerks sometimes, and there’s nothing like a shiny, fresh new year to inspire us to turn over a new leaf. So this year, volunteer at a shelter, or go green and bring burlap bags to the grocery store, or stop riding your bike in the middle of the road during rush hour. Take a side on the global warming or the vaccination debate. Who cares which one! Get passionate, get busy, and help your fellow man whether he wants you to or not. Happy 2012, and we’ll see you at the gym (from January 2nd to the end of February anyway)!

DOREEN CANASTO

R AG AM U F F I N

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WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU WE HOPE THAT THIS ISSUE HELPED TO SOLVE THESE PROBLEMS:

Make sure people won’t ask if you and your baby are sisters

“It’s a miracle you’re on a diet” just doesn’t cut it with the big man anymore

Just because Dorothy Parker was wrong, doesn’t mean you have to be

Understanding science doesn’t mean you have to agree with it

Choose your pillows carefully Choose your friends carefully 41

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