INSECURITY RAGAZINE ISSUE 07 by Tanata Productions LLC

WE KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU…

THE

BREAKUP ISSUE RAG HAGS

BY ROBERT MONEGAN GETTING IN TOUCH WITH THE

VAJAZZLED VIVACIOUS YOU

TOXIC

RELATIVES

SEVEN BREAKUP LINES WHERE TO DO IT THE MATING CALL OF THE GRIDIRON KINKY KORNER DOUBLE STRUDEL

PREGNANCY

STEALTH

MODE

SEPTEMBER 2010

Ladies and Gentlemen Insecurity Ragazine is proud to announce the sale of advertising in our pages We call it

RAGVERTISING Please peruse the black edged pages of this publication to find out how you can participate. You can contact us for more information at: RAGVERTISE@INSECURITYRAG.COM

OR LEAVE A MESSAGE AT

724-964-6727 (RAG-96-INSCR)

INSECURITY R AG A Z I N E

CONTENTS 20

>our insecurities

>insecurious

FROM THE EDITOR

>hemlines 10 11

12 14 16

ALL THAT OR NONE OF THAT 10 WORDS YOU DON'T NEED TO KNOW… SEVEN BREAKUP LINES WHERE TO DO IT THE GIRL WITH THE BARFLY TATTOO

KINKY KORNER BREAKUP QUIZ

>raggedy man 30

DOUBLE STRUDEL

>hanging by a thread 32

PREGNANCY STEALTH MODE

>rag times

>ragamuffing

INTERNET DATING THE MATING CALL OF THE GRIDIRON

TOXIC RELATIVES WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU

>waxing poetic 22

25 27

GETTING IN TOUCH WITH THE VAJAZZLED VIVACIOUS YOU RAG HAGS BY ROBERT MONEGAN WASTE NOT WANT NOT BREAKUPS

CONTENTS

EDITOR-IN-CHIEF DESIGN DIRECTOR EXECUTIVE EDITOR FASHION DIRECTOR EXECUTIVE MANAGING EDITOR DEPUTY EDITOR EDITORIAL BRAND DIRECTOR PHOTOGRAPHY DIRECTOR

MEET THE INSECURE TEAM BEAUTY ASSOCIATE BEAUTY EDITOR BEAUTY ASSISTANT

Penny Thurman Nice Reve

ART DIRECTOR RAG HAGS CREATOR/ ILLUSTRATOR ENTERTAINMENT DIRECTOR BEAUTY DIRECTOR DEPUTY ARTICLES EDITOR

FEATURES SENIOR EDITOR WRITING STAFF

COVER PHOTOGRAPHER PRODUCER STYLISIT HAIR AND MAKEUP

Jethro Clara T. Lisa "before the club "Metropolis BL

FASHION INTERPRETE HAUTE COUTURE FASHION AND ACCESSORIES MARKET DIRECTOR SENIOR FASHION MARKET EDITOR ACCESSORIES EDITOR FASHION ASSISTANT SENIOR FASHION EDITOR SENIOR BOOKING EDITOR FASHION EDITOR ASSOCIATE FASHION EDITOR

Neno Avendre Pat Parr Norma Chu Madison Hearst Tabitha Michelson Luther Evans Cara Polk Olive Wright Kellee June

Penelope Lawrence Eddie Fuentes Beatriz Romano Valasquez Anneler Stephen Barrett Tim Alford Tamara Ellison Clara T. Penelope Lawrence Robert Monegan Susan Wilson Sheryn Braun Selena Gleason

ASSOCIATE EDITOR EXECUTIVE ASST. TO EDITOR-IN-CHIEF EDITORIAL ASSISTANT MEDICAL ADVISORY BOARD

Harriet Bonaparte Rebecca Rhodus, Shawna Richardson, Jennifer Coosebury, Annabella Oreksya, Deirdre Trol-Stevens, Tabby Malloy, Margo Van Norte, Torie Baxley, Rosie Salazar, Kym Tyler-Donnelly, Annabelle Mason, Doreen Canasto, Debbie Kinkokan, Bretty Kyley, Lavontor Smith, Teri Foxx, Chatterly Pendleton, Anna Simone Sinclair, Roberta Anne Jackson Mike Granger Patrick Michaels Scottie Coffman Dr. Timothy Kirchhoefer

INSECURITYRAG.COM SENIOR WEB DEVELOPER WEB EDITOR BEAUTY EDITOR

Benjamin T. Haynes, Esquire Lucile Xiong Mauro Holcomb

PHOTO PRODUCER PHOTOGRAPHER HAIR AND MAKE-UP WARDROBE STYLING PROP STYLING SENIOR PHOTO EDITOR, RESEARCH PHOTO PRODUCTION ASSOCIATE ASSOCIATE EDITOR, RESEARCH COPY AND RESEARCH COPY AND RESEARCH DIRECTOR DEPUTY COPY CHIEF RESEARCH EDITOR COPY EDITOR

Clara T. Midori Sauer Bubba P. Meme Meeetropolis Dub P. Audrey Goldstein Kyle Dawson Corina Manchester Margarito Burroughs Tim Pulnik Jaques Barry Bettie Branch Frank Leischman

ADVERTISING & SALES ADVERTISING DIRECTOR DIRECTOR OF MARKETING STRATEGY EXECUTIVE BEAUTY DIRECTOR ADVERTISING SERVICES DIRECTOR

MARKETING & PROMOTION MARKETING DIRECTOR CREATIVE SERVICES DIRECTOR ART DIRECTOR PROMOTION DIRECTOR ASSOCIATE PROMOTION DIRECTOR SPECIAL PROJECTS MANAGER PROMOTION COORDINATOR

INSECURITY R AG A Z I N E

Leo Stiles Jimmy Arlene Maureen Cooper Alfred Miles

Michelle Vincent Amy Gengler Laurel Holland Vikki Schnurr David LaCascia Marlena Pineda Milos Pellerin

>welcome!

RAGVERTISE WITH THE WORLD’S FIRST ONLINE FASHION RAGAZINE

WHO ARE WE? INSECURITY RAGAZINE IS TO FASHION what the Colbert Report is to politics. At Insecurity Ragazine, our goal is to become the de-facto lunch destination of women everywhere, a Lunchzine in the spirit of The Onion. Insecurity Ragazine presents women with an alternative venue to share their experiences and find great stories using innovative page turning technology. Combining a monthly online periodical with a community driven website, Insecurity Ragazine will provide a unique location for women’s voices and humor, unlike any found in today’s marketplace. As we develop an invested, online community, we’re reaching out to sponsors and vendors wishing to expand their advertising base and introduce their products to a new audience. The Ragazine is quickly expanding to new platforms (iPad, iPhone, Android, Issuu, Firefox, Safari, IE8, Opera) , and there are currently four ways for you to promote your message through our pages. This online sample will walk you through how your advertising will look and interact with consumers savvy enough to use this exciting new technology. CONTENTS

>our insecurities

FROM THE

DEAR READERS, As most of you have undoubtedly noticed, the recent day to day operations at the Rag has been spotty at best. What up until now has been a steady flow of ideas and charitable good will has drastically turned into a situation that can at best be described as "insecure". Unfortunately, however, I have no one to blame but myself. It is because of this that the theme for this month is "The Breakup Issue" When we launched Insecurity Ragazine last year, my goal was to create a unique voice that women could share with one another. Aside from our celebration of the fashion industry, I wanted these pages to explore the best of women, and be able to move past the untenable flaws that separated us from men, and in fact each other. By placing the emphasis on finding out what is was we couldn't do, we would have more energy to 6

INSECURITY R AG A Z I N E

concentrate on the things we could do. I feel that we accomplished that goal, and have helped millions of women define their day to day lives. As a woman, however, it has been my experience that with each dramatic success, there also comes a devastating failure. In my life, a happy marriage was followed by a debilitating divorce, the perfect apartment came with unforeseen plumbing issues, and even the discovery of the perfect handbag was dampened by the $63 cab ride that took me from Madison Avenue to the lower East side via the Brooklyn Bridge. So too has Insecurity Ragazine been fraught with tragedy. Apparently creating the world's finest fashion ragazine isn't enough to keep investors happy... but I promised myself that I wouldn't focus on the negative in this letter.

Illustration below by invisibleElement (Flickr) Photo above by Dave G Kelly (Flickr)

EDITOR

In all fairness, the biggest misconception I had about running the Ragazine centers around its business practices. When I was hired to create the pages we've enjoyed together, the focus was on creating spectacular content and dynamic narratives that would touch the heart and minds of women everywhere. Easy Peasy, mission accomplished, home run, the eagle has landed, whatever phrase you use, I feel that this task was realized and perfected by our talented staff (most of which I hired). In the area of ad sales, monetization, globalization, greed, and general money grubbing, however, the Ragazine has been less than successful.

experience, watching it grow from a little puff of feathers into a future Emporer of Birds, ready to take its first dive into the cold waters of the great ocean we call life. But what about you dear reader, who will watch after you?

Happily, I am thrilled to announce that I will be succeeded by Harriet Bonaparte, and Selena Gleason, two stalwart editors who have helped me guide the Ragazine into the hearts and mind of our readers. As interim co-editors, they have promised me that the voice we have created together will remain, and that growth of the Ragazine (both financial and spiritual), will bring even more readers together and create an even larger sound I'll be honest with you, I am an artist, not a for the world to hear. And don't worry about me businesswoman, and in the beginning that was dear reader, I will still be writing for the Ragazine okay. As the year has progressed, however, it has and keeping tabs on the fashion world... (and become more and more evident that what the you). It's time, however, for this mama penguin Ragazine needs is someone who can do both jobs to get out of the South Pole and find someplace equally as well, and in this case, I am not that warmer that I can spread my wings and drink a woman. It is with a heavy heart that I recognize coconut daiquiri or two. this, officially and announce my departure as Editor in Chief of Insecurity Ragazine. In the meantime, be well, wear good fashion, and keep in touch. After all, it's not how we define Am I sad? I suppose so. But looking back ourselves, but rather how we are defined that at the year, the creation of the Ragazine has makes all of us different. Until we meet again... been somewhat like the movie "March of the Penguins", only without the male penguins. I PENELOPE LAWRENCE, EDITOR-IN-CHIEF feel as though I've gone back and forth across the frozen tundra several times, feeding my little chick the regurgitated nutrients of my life's

OUR INSECURITIES

>issuus, ipads, iphones and androids

ONLINE VIRTUAL LUNCHZINE WITH THE INTRODUCTION of Apple’s iPad, Insecurity Ragazine (from the beginning) has positioned itself to take advantage of print media’s most exciting innovation. Built digitally from the ground up, Insecurity Ragazine uses virtual page turning technology to give readers the online experience of reading our Ragazine. Currently we utilize an iPad, iPhone and Google Android program called Issuu to deliver to readers the best virtual Fashion Lunchzine experience in the market today. Embedded links and images allow users to click on products throughout the Ragazine which will take them to websites featuring or selling those items. In the upcoming months, Insecurity Ragazine will release a native iPad app that takes full advantage of this new platform’s capabilities.

SO HOW DOES IT WORK? FLIP THE PAGES OF THIS RAGVERTISING RAGAZINE TO FIND OUT 8

INSECURITY R AG A Z I N E

>ad pages that take our readers to your products

WANT MORE THAN JUST A PICTURE TO TELL A THOUSAND WORDS ABOUT YOU? NEW PROMOTION COMING UP?

e Click on thss, la Wine G and Necklace L ink Dress forples Exam

WE CAN INSTALL LINKS TO YOUR PRODUCTS ON THE PAGES OF YOUR ADVERTISMENT, ALLOWING READERS TO FIND OUT MORE ABOUT YOUR PRODUCTS

FULL PAGE AD OUR INSECURITIES

>hemlines

ALL THAT OR NONE OF THAT ARE YOU ALL THAT? READ THIS

CHART AND FIND OUT WHETHER YOU’RE IN OR OUT! KYM TYLER-DONNELLY

ALL THAT PEOPLE • Your High School Ex OBJECTS • Home Office Shredder QUOTES • "Done!" ACTIVITIES • Clothes Shopping POLITICO • Girl Power FASHION • Make Up EVENTS • The first day of the rest of your life

INSECURITY R AG A Z I N E

NONE OF THAT •Your Current Ex • Engagement Ring

and N I S ’ T A WH 0UT WHAT’S 0! in SEPT '1

• "You better..." • Picking His Clothes off the floor • His right to treat you like crap • UnShaved • Your First Date

10 WORDS YOU DONâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;T NEED TO KNOW... dissolution

(as in "termination") n. : the termination of a relationship The word "dis" started here.

termination

(as in "change of state") n. : the act of ending something; "the termination of the agreement" Not to be confused with Determination, which apparently is not appreciated in the business world.

end

(as in "point") n. : the point in time at which something ends; "the end of the year"; "the ending of warranty period Omega this...

detachment

detachment (as in "insulation") n. : the state of being insulated It's like cutting up a credit card, but with your heart.

separation

(as in "integrity") n. : the state of lacking unity. Is it just me, or does anyone else have trouble spelling this one?

isolation

(as in "non-engagement") n. : a country's withdrawal from internal politics; Take a look at he Mid-80's.

alienation

(as in "dislike") n. : the feeling of being alienated from other people. Don't be sad, at least there's lots of forms ot fill out.

distance

(as in "spacing") n. : the property created by the space between two objects or points Heart grow fonder blah blah blah blah blah blah.

stupid

(as in "stupid") adj. : lacking or marked by lack of intellectual acuity I HATE YOU!!!!!

applebottom

(as in "plant order"), As in what you used to call me I HATE YOU!!!!

HEMLINES

SEVEN BREAKUP LINES AND WHAT THEY MEAN FOR YOU LINE 1: • WHAT HE SAID

I need my space; I'm suffocating.

• WHAT HE MEANT

You're hindering my ability to pick up hotter women and sleep with them.

• WHAT IT MEANS FOR YOU

You need to insert a 'plastic surgery' line item into your personal budget.

LINE 2: • WHAT HE SAID

Long-distance relationships just don't work.

• WHAT HE MEANT

There are so many more beautiful women here and I have no self control.

• WHAT IT MEANS FOR YOU

Moving to Arkansas will make you look that much better in comparison.

LINE 3: • WHAT HE SAID

I'm just out of a serious, long-term relationship and I can't handle another one right now.

• WHAT HE MEANT

That hook up was fun, but that's all it's going to be..

• WHAT IT MEANS FOR YOU

A trip to Planned Parenthood for a full STD screening.

INSECURITY R AG A Z I N E

LINE 4:

LINE 6:

• WHAT HE SAID

I'm too young to be attached to one person

• WHAT HE MEANT

I'm in my sexual prime, there are loads of easy women in my demographic, and, quite frankly, you're old.

• WHAT IT MEANS FOR YOU

Begin work on a fake birth certificate that will allow you to be 5 years younger on your next driver license renewal

LINE 5: • WHAT HE SAID

I've met someone else and I want to be honest and up front and hurt you as little as possible

• WHAT HE MEANT

I've been seeing someone else for months and the two of you are on the verge of crossing paths so I've finally been pushed to make a decision..

• WHAT IT MEANS FOR YOU

He has his own issues and it's not fair to go through his caller ID, find this person's identity, and start smearing her character

LINE 7:

I have my own issues and it's not fair to you to have to be around while I • WHAT HE SAID work through them. We're not a good fit; we drive each other crazy.. • WHAT HE MEANT I have my own issues and it's not fair • WHAT HE MEANT to you to have to be around while I You have serious mental issues work through them. and I have neither the interest, patience, or desire to watch you • WHAT IT MEANS FOR YOU get sane.. He has his own issues and it's not fair to you to have to be around • WHAT IT MEANS FOR YOU while I work through them. Multiple therapy sessions weekly. You are about to find out how good that health care plan is.

HEMLINES

WHERE TO DO IT? THE BEST WAYS TO PULL OFF YOUR BREAKUP

WHEN I WAS PREPARING FOR MY METEORIC RISE in journalism back at Brown (for posterity sake we won’t delve into how long ago that was), I remember slogging through some Communication course and seeing a book on the syllabus about the Medium and it being the message. Back then, I was sure that it was significant and meant something, but the book was too dull and the professor put me to sleep. Now that I’m a big time writer, I get it. I thought what better way to celebrate the Break Up issue than to look at the mediums for breaking up and what they have to offer. So here goes: ANNABELLE MASON

OPTION #1 CROWDED RESTAURANT WITH A SECLUDED TABLE ADVANTAGE: Back when I was at Brown, this seemed to be the thing to do; the idea being that with people around the likelihood of histrionics, emotional outbursts, and potential violence all diminish. Having a prearranged taxi to whisk you away following the break allows for a clean getaway. DISADVANTAGE: I was at Brown a long time ago. Unless you’re dating Abe Vigoda or Steven Tyler of Aerosmith, your partner may be completely clueless as to what’s happening. Check with your company health insurance rep on this one.

INSECURITY R AG A Z I N E

OPTION #2 EMAIL ADVANTAGE: You don’t have to face your partner; can be business-like if sent to their work address; unlimited space to express all the pent up anger and emotion you need to vent. DISADVANTAGE: An aggressive junk e-mail filter could potentially abort delivery leading to a potentially messy encounter with your ex-partner still thinking of you as their partner..

OPTION #3 FACEBOOK ADVANTAGE: Rather than re-hashing the coroner’s report to everyone you know, it’s there for everyone to see; you force your mutual friends to take a side and decide which one of you they’ll keep as a friend; you’ve elegantly alerted all males in your network that you are now available. DISADVANTAGE: When you met your ex-partner’s family, it seemed like a good idea to friend his Mom as part of the fairy tale vision of a relationship with your potential future mother-inlaw. Now, she’s calling you a whore to all her Facebook friends and she’s learned entirely too much information about her son’s junk (not that this ever happened to me).

OPTION #4 TWITTER ADVANTAGE: Brevity is where it’s at, or so your ex-boyfriend always told you when explaining his premature ejaculation. He was the one always talking about the Jesuit at Holy Cross who preached “short, sweet, hard to beat. . .gentlemen” DISADVANTAGE: 140 characters to describe what an asshole he is for getting drunk and sleeping with your rival, skank cousin to embarrass and spite you? 100 Tweets might get you halfway there. this one.

OPTION #5 i_brokeupwith_(insert name).com ADVANTAGE: Web domains and hosting is cheap and a small price to pay to give full multimedia expression to your break up – graphics, photos, videos, merchandise sales – the list is endless. It’s the medium for full expression and I know a guy who can get your site listed first whenever someone searches ‘pizza delivery’ on Google. DISADVANTAGE: If you are breaking up with me, you can forget about it. I currently budget $3,000 a year for the purchase of all conceivable negative web domains that include my name.

HEMLINES

THE GIRL WITH THE BARFLY TATTOO A ROUNDS TALE MY NAME, THANKS TO THE RAG AND TO YOU, has minor celebrity status around the bar scene. But rarely does anyone put the name to the face until I pay with the company credit card. I’m always stunned when distraught women blindly picks me to befriend. Is it my shoes? Is it my boobs? Is it my confidence sitting alone, night after night? Ever hear the phrase “Loose lips sink ships.” Neither had I until Debbie bought us drinks at the Rebound Bar and Buffet.

Feel free to drink along... 1

White Wine with Ice Well, you know, Craig and me just-- we just wanted different things in life, you know.

Twenty Minutes Later (Vodka Cranberry) He and his friend Adam are always playing Death Slayer 10. And I don’t blame Adam- whatever he does is his business, but if I had to hear about Craig’s high score one more time, I was going to machete his joystick off, you know. Seriously, seriously.

INSECURITY R AG A Z I N E

Fifteen Minutes Later (Mango Margarita) … and maybe if he picked up his clothes I could feel better about my stupid job, and being overweight, and the length of my hair, and…

Thirty five minutes and one bathroom break later ( The Bartender’s buy back round of double lemon drop shots) I told him THAT is for outgoing, not incoming! You know what I saying? No parking in that lot. It is a tow away zone. Plus I would never- with someone who had the back of a water buffalo and the penis of picket pen. I’ll say it- Size matters! And yes, he may be right, it may be my responsibility to make it grow, and I know I have skills, but I’m not a miracle worker. Okay?

One hour later (Long Island Ice Tea and Pot Stickers) (sobbing) It’s me, it’s me, it’s me. I should learn to lower my standards and realize there is no perfect guy out there…

Last Call ( Bottle of Banana Liqueur) (crying) and when he found me and Adam in the lotus position on the futon, he flipped. He shot Adam in the you-know-what, and threw me out of the apartment totally naked. I found a poncho in the dumpster and ran to the laundry mat where I found Officer Jessica Burns, the night security guard. With the help of Mrs. Havlovic, who illegally made keys of every apartment, Officer Burns and I were able to enter the apartment. We found Craig throwing Adam’s body out the fire escape. Shots were firedOfficer Burns when down. Then with a gun to my head, he ripped off my poncho, forced me on the futon, andand- and- made me play Death Slayer 10.**

**Truth be told, I don’t know what Debbie said at Last Call because by then the bartender had her finger in my cookie behind the coffee station. That’s another article entirely.

-TIPPY MALLOY

HEMLINES

>rag times

INTERNET DATING HOW THE INTERNET DESTROYED THE NOBILITY OF THE BREAKUP PROCESS REMEMBER BACK IN THE OLD DAYS, when breakups were clean and dignified? You may have spent hours, or even days sitting by the phone waiting for it to ring, because there was no caller ID and no answering machines, let alone cell phones. You may have heard about a possible infidelity through second or third-hand gossip. Your sweetie may have become harder to reach at work. At the end of this process, he would drift off into the mists of time never to be heard from again. Many years later, you may hear some tidbit about him through a mutual acquaintance, but never enough information to draw a complete picture of who he is now, or why he left you way back when. And then came the internet. Thanks for nothing, Al Gore. Kids today can trumpet their every move on their electronic handheld devices. You can't go to my parents' house for dinner because you have a cold? Then why does foursquare say that YOU'RE AT THE CACTUS BAR!!!! You know that he's not calling you, and you don't have the luxury of pretending that he even tried, because you can flip through your caller ID on your cell and your landline and find out in seconds that he hasn't.

INSECURITY R AG A Z I N E

Out with the guys playing poker? Too bad that his best buddy is your facebook friend and he updates his status every half hour about how boring his night shift job is. This is actually unnecessary because the chick your man is banging is also your facebook friend. And then, when it is finally, officially over, he can't even ride off into the sunset like an old cowboy movie. He can be googled, and tweeted, and checked out and accessed in more ways than even Bill Gates ever thought was a good idea. You can find photos of him online as he gains weight, and loses his hair, and gets married and divorced and married again, and you can view boring corporate photos that his boring corporate job makes him take every year. For those of us who grew up on old, romantic, black and white movies about love found, and lost and regained, this is inconceivable. Do you really want your ex to find out through a google search that you won the browniemaking contest at your daughter's school, or that you finished your local 5K race at number 475 out of 489? Or that, like he predicted when you were 23, you inherited your mother's thighs?!!!

We cannot undo progress, and the internet is here to stay, so my advice in circumventing this degradation of the human soul? Change your name. Not to your married or your maiden name, not a family name, but something completely made up. Nobody will be able to find out where you live, what you're doing, or google anything about you because you don't exist. Of course, your neighbors and children's friends will think it odd, and you will never get any of your mail again, but what a small price to pay for the chance to revive the mystery of the pre-internet era. Then, one day, you will get the opportunity to meet up with your former love again, perhaps at a college reunion. You can waltz into the room wearing thigh-busting spandex, and pretend that you have no idea who he is before you waltz right back out again. Trust me girls, an entire lifetime of shunning technology and concealing your identity will be all worth it for that one, fleeting moment where he realizes that he never should have let you go.

"YOU KNOW THAT HE'S NOT CALLING YOU, AND YOU DON'T HAVE THE LUXURY OF PRETENDING THAT HE EVEN TRIED, BECAUSE YOU CAN FLIP THROUGH YOUR CALLER ID"

R AG T I M E S

THE MATING CALL OF THE GRIDIRON YOUR MAN'S HEART BEATS RAPIDLY

JUST IN CASE YOU WONDERING WHERE all the men have gone, we’re approaching the football season. It is almost impossible to grab the attention of your man or your man-to-be when his head is empty with football. (See figure one) You cry in your pillow, and wait until February. You can try to kidnap him to the Container Store. Or, as I recommend, you embrace the gridiron and try to penetrate him from the inside.

He deep throats buffalo wings and beer down his gullet. He can’t take his eyes off the plasma screen, entranced by the quarterback, who gently places his hands between the legs of his 300 lbs. teammate. His voice echoes with strength and command, and like a gunshot, his bent-over teammate shoves the ball into the quarterback’s tight abs. He tippy-toes backwards, avoiding the violent rush, allowing his tight end to get wide open so that the quarterback may thrust the ball into his soft hands for a game-winning score.” 20

INSECURITY R AG A Z I N E

FIRST AND 10: At first you might think, “Run up the gut.” Unfortunately, nowadays, cooking “football” food is considered a requirement more than a tactic to participate. And let’s admit it, ladies, for us it’s just a guiltless excuse to eat fried things and cheese. (+3 YARDS AND A CLOUD OF DUST)

SECOND AND 7: There is no “I” in team, however, dressing the part isn’t enough. Wearing a ponytail, ball cap, black eyeliner across your cheeks, and cute oversized jersey has become too cliché. And in reality, you would avoid wearing the same cocktail dress to a party – why would you think about wearing the same jersey as other women watching. Of course, you could go topless to grab his attention, but let’s keep our dignities where they belong. (-8 YARD RUN)

THIRD AND 15: You could risk faking genuine interest in the game, but be careful, especially since we’re down six points with 1:51 left in the game. Asking desperate questions like “Does he kick all the time?” or “Why is number 81 playing for both teams,” will get you a lifetime ban from the game. And there will be a flag on the play if you compare his beloved quarterback’s looks with Tom Cruise or the fictitious Matt Sarason from Friday Night Lights. (-12 YARD SACK AND A MISCONDUCT PENALTY FOR AN ADDITION -15 YARDS) FOURTH DOWN & A MILE! It’s Razzle-Dazzle time! The Hail Mary! The Immaculate Reception! The Drive! The Catch! The Guarantee! The Statue of Liberty Play of ’47! I don’t know what these football thingies are either, but there is one foolproof play that a girl rarely uses in her playbook. It is guaranteed to knock him on his ass to allow you to score. It is the mating call of the gridiron. It’s simply called The Burp! Forget what your mother told you. Don’t be cute about it, don’t giggle, and don’t make it a contest; just burp like a foghorn and you’ll be “spiking” the “ball” in the “end” zone. Your man will feel like he just got a peek of you naked. He will look at you with the same hunger he’s only shown for 2-for-1 appetizers. He will forever remember your name. You will be his halftime show and odds are you might play well into overtime. I think I said that right. The truth is, you’re the underdog, but that’s what makes sports great! In order to win, you have to play the game. And the good news

--- after you win, you can focus on changing him in the off-season. But for now, burp… and don’t fart.

R AG T I M E S

>waxing poetic

GETTING IN TOUCH WITH THE VAJAZZLED VIVACIOUS YOU By Mother Eve

WITH AN UNEXPLAINABLE HANKERING for bubble tea that engulfed my brain like a tsunami and left my mouth watering, I led my new man, the December of my May-December romance, on a wild goose chase by bike one recent hot Saturday evening in July. As winter begrudgingly pedaled behind my spring, I let one long leg down to prop myself up to wait for traffic at the intersection of Bowery and Houston Street, just one light between me and some juicy tapioca balls. From the safety of my white oversized shades, I cast a sidelong glance at the regal dog beside me. I trace the leash of the dog up toward the owner. “Why, hello there, Jim,” I say, as though no time has passed between college graduation in May of 1998 and July of 2010. “Why, hello there, Eve,” says Jim, not skipping a beat. My eyes drink in the sight of the man who gave me first orgasm, taught me the definition of beer pong, spoke of elephant walks in the name of brotherhood, and stirred my fleeting interest in the Battle of the Bulge (the real one in World War II, not the reason for your Crunch membership). I thought of his recent New Year’s Eve marriage and the upcoming baby with his new wife I had read about.

INSECURITY R AG A Z I N E

“Who’s this?” I smile and gaze directly into his canine companion’s eyes. I watched him turn to putty in my hands. “This is Dalton.” Dalton looks up at me, panting. “Hi, Dalton!” I flash my mega-watt smile, the one my super always begs for. “I heard you’re opening a bar in my neighborhood,” I say to Jim, nonchalantly.

“Yeah, in 3 weeks! You should come have a drink,” Jim lobs one back. “Where are you going?” “I’m on a quest for bubble tea. Don’t know where, it’s just so hot, I have to have some.” The light changes and I push off the ground. Mr. December looks quizzically at Jim and follows suit. “Yeah, well, I don’t know where to go, but you’re headed in the right direction!” Jim calls after me, his voice lost on a gusty wind of dust and garbage only a Manhattan summer can bring. “Thanks!” I wave backwards in that careless breezy manner only a woman in short shorts on a bike can effortlessly muster.

"IF I HAD KNOWN THAT BY SIMPLY PURCHASING THE NON-TOXIC GLUE, GLUE GUN, AND DO-IT-YOURSELF CONSTELLATION BEADS KIT ...TO BEDAZZLE AND PERSONALIZE MY VAGINA WOULD HAVE SAVED MYSELF YEARS OF HEARTACHE AND SUFFERING...THEN I WOULD HAVE DONE IT LONG AGO. Ah, Jim. My best friend in 1994, my boyfriend in 1996, and the man whose heart I crushed in 1997. He told me he loved me over a box of wine at a cast party (his date stood inches from us at the kitchen counter) and I laughed in his face and said I didn’t believe him. We were, after all, completely incompatible on a long-term basis. And what would I do now if I could talk to that naïve young woman of 1994? I would tell her that all of her problems, every single one of them in her life, could have been solved if she had started vajazzling earlier. If I had known that by simply purchasing the nontoxic glue, glue gun, and do-it-yourself constellation beads kit from Michael’s Arts and Crafts to bedazzle and personalize my vagina would have saved myself years of heartache and suffering, not just in bed or in love, but in life, then I would have done it long ago.

WA X I N G P O E T I C

I know, you think it’s crazy. But I’m here to tell you it’s not. Bedazzling and custom designing your flower has a twofold purpose that comes back to you tenfold: 1) It lets the universe know who’s the boss. YOU. 2) It gives you the glow, the confidence, the sheen, unattainable by any supermodel infomercial cosmetic products, to know and show that you can kick ass, and YES, you are a Mother****er. All women wish they could kick ass. And all men want a mother***er. I don’t need to mention the creature comforts of topographical stimulation and the pleasure

INSECURITY R AG A Z I N E

plane it creates for both you and your partner. So don’t do what I did. Don’t wait any longer. Bedazzling your vagina will take your sex life and success in life to a whole new level. Sometime I go all gold, sometimes all silver, sometimes glow in the dark or fluorescent! There are no rules. You become your own trailblazer. Mr. December loves it so much he recently bought me a 4th of July bedazzling kit and we enjoyed some, well, independence. Mother Eve wants you to understand the true meaning of flower power. You don’t need to waste time on men like Jim who aren’t realistic long term prospects. Bedazzle your vagina, unlock a whole new you. Your secret faux cubic zirconium studs will allow you to attract the men, people, and situations in your life you need, not the time-sucking ones you don’t. Isn’t it time you fast forward your life to perfection?

WA X I N G P O E T I C

WASTE NOT WANT NOT

BREAKUPS

BREAKUPS ARE MESSY. The crying, the yelling, the men you bring home because they wear the same cologne. But the biggest mess is always the one in your apartment! By the end of a long relationship, your bedroom, bathroom, and kitchen are overflowing with his leftover junk. Your first instinct may be a nice controlled burn in your backyard, but why ruin your lawn when you can put that junk to use! Dry those tears, plug in your glue guns and save yourself a visit from the fire department (It may seem like a good time to hit on the hunky firemen, but it’s not, trust me. Most of them have families anyway). Here are just a few simple ideas: FRANCIE MICKENS

CONDOMS

FOOD

With no rebounds in sight and the expiration dates getting closer every day, those little square packages are just a sore reminder of your now dormant sex life. But why have a pity party when you could have a breakup party! Blow those suckers up and invite other single ladies over for cocktails! It’s also a good way to use up that bottle of champagne you were saving for your anniversary. Bottoms up! (Bonus Points: Might as well polish off those other bottles. It wouldn’t be a party without some men: Jack, Jim, and Johnnie!)

After you’ve polished off the bubbly, you’ll need to nurse that hangover with some munchies. Luckily, there are half eaten mansnacks and week old leftovers taking up space in your pantry and fridge. Mix the last few bites of those nacho chips, pretzels, coffee beans, falafel, and candy corn for a snack that will tickle your taste buds. Wave buh-bye to mean old Mr. Hangover! (Bonus Points: For the summer days, throw it in the blender with your favorite ice cream for your very own tasty delight!)

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CLOTHES

ODDS AND ENDS

Those ratty jerseys and college tees are too sweat-stained for lazy Sundays, and they’re a dealbreaker if discovered by any new gentlemen callers. But there’s a winwin solution that gets rid of those rags and lets you get your emotions out: dolls! Little stuffed ex-bfs! Sew them up to look just like him and get revenge using pins and voodoo, snuggle up with one for those lonely nights, or just scream out all your frustrations at his stupid face until you break down and cry, begging him to forgive you. You’ll change, you’ll really change this time! Oh God, Howard, don’t go! Don’t leave me alone! (Bonus Points: To make the dolls more realistic, raid the bathroom! Stuff the doll with hair from the drain, scent it with his products, and dry your tears with his towel!)

Those Stallone and Arnold DVDs? Beautiful hanging reflectors for your garden! Car and gun magazines in the bathroom? Wrapping paper and origami fodder! An Ipod? A paperweight! Old love letters? Confetti! His grandfathers pocket watch he kept through the holocaust? Fishbowl decoration (it looks like ancient sea treasure!) The possibilities are endless! As I always say, one man’s trash is that dirty skank he left you for!.

WA X I N G P O E T I C

>insecurious

KINKY KORNER: DEFENSE EXHIBIT 289-H (NEWMAN V. NEWMAN) There are submissions and then there are SUBMISSIONS. I'm not sure if this can really be considered Kinky Korner material however, it is just too mesmerizing to ignore and since this is the Break Up Issue... Defense Exhibit 289-H (Newman v. Newman) Format: Mini DV tape Don't worry everyone is safe, no one is dead or brutally hurt. But OMG! It's a shame really because clearly they were set up to record some overdue Sunday canoodling. And who knows who actually benefited in the end that Mr. Newman forgot to turn off the camera once the argument started. It's amazing how one little half-kidding remark can just ruin potentially pleasant day, but that is what happened when Mr. Newman joked about having to clear off the bed of what seemed like Mrs. Newman's entire wardrobe. To which Mrs. Newman suggested the philosophical viewpoint "better on the bed than thrown in multiple piles on the floor." Which then cascaded into a passionate tête-à-tête of the likes I have never seen. There were no punches thrown or landed. No frying pans or wedding china smashed over the head. Appropriately, it started with throw pillows then escalated to throwing piles of clothes at one another.

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All the while screaming banter like "well, it might be nice to be a priority on your to-do list more than once a month," and "if you'd do the dishes maybe you'd do me." and "what are guest towels for if the guests can't even use them." Then once there were no more clothes to be thrown, they each took a pair of scissors (kudos for them, I can't even find my scissors, much less two pairs) and began to tear each other's clothes into ribbons. All the while yelling, "Oh yeah, well, at least I have a Doctorate" and "Oh yeah, if the kankle fits!" and "Don't you mean a 6 pack ab there Tubby!" and "DVR called, they’re sick of taping Make-A-Cake Marathons!" and then... after Mrs. Newman clearly took it too far by cutting up Mr. Newman's favorite Pity the Fool" Mr. T-shirt he began to rip off his Michael Jordan knock-off uniform from his own body and tore them into ribbons, causing a reaction where Mrs. Newman tore off her comfy cow print flannel jammies and cut them up. Standing, angry, naked, and out of breath, they violently embraced. They passionately tore around the room, kissing, pulling hair, and knocking over everything in their path, including the camera, which fell to its demise. And we are left to wonder.... What happened next? And who ultimately won?

THE BREAKUP QUIZ 1. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU HAD A FIGHT?

• We rarely fight but my nickname for him is Dumb Ass. • Oh, we’re fighting now. Well, I’m fighting with you, Dumb Ass! • We never fight. We tend to swallow our frustration to ensure the perception of a happy existence because I’m 27 and he’s going to be The One.

2. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU DID TOGETHER THAT WOULD BE CONSIDERED “QUALITY TIME?” • We had fish tacos while he planned out his fantasy football draft. • We played tennis. I won 6-2, 6-0. • We went to a quiet brunch. I read my book, he read the newspaper.

3. WHAT WOULD YOU EXPECT IF YOUR PARTNER WENT TO LAS VEGAS WITHOUT YOU?

• To call me even if we agreed that he wouldn’t have to. • To send me flowers because that’s what my sister’s husband did when he went. • To make his damn flight.

4. DO YOUR FRIENDS….

• Belittle him right in his dumb ass face. • Take many sips of water to avoid sharing what they really think. • Suggest that if you’re done with him then can they have a try.

5. WHAT GENRE OF MOVIE IS YOUR SEX LIFE?

• Romantic Comedy: I wear Comfy PJs, he wears boxers and an undershirt, and the sex scene last only 15 seconds. • Sci-Fi: I find myself in the dark, looking over my shoulder, armed with various “gadgets,” But no anal probing. • Porno: That’s what I found on his computer.

6. I LIKED MY BODY… • When I was single. • When we were first dating. • When we moved in together.

YOUR SCORE:

• If you completed the quiz, you're probably already going to breakup with him. We recommnend you do it during sweeps week. INSECURIOUS

>raggedy man

DOUBLE STRUDEL DEAR STRUDEL,

DEAR 2ND,

I am in a bad way, a bad relationship,a bad everything. My boyfriend of like 5 years, just won't leave his wife already! I mean, I love this man SO much, but his bitchy wife just has him by the balls, and will just twist and squeeze whenever his is about to leave her!! I believe that he loves me, I truly, truly do, and I want to so much to start a real life with him, but this woman! Oh god, strudel, my friends are sick of hearing about this and my mom, forget it. Everytime I TRY to bring it up, she breaks out the rosary and prays for guidance...from the lord. Strudel, please help me!!

Girl, you ain't second best! How can you call yourself that?? Girl, sit your ass in front of mirror! Go! I'll wait! B**** I said go. I want you to repeat this to yo'self. I am fly. I am fly. I. Am. Fly. That P***** man will not leave his wife. That. P*****. Man. Will. Not. Leave. His. Wife. His wife has dibs, and you aint getting s***, but 2nd hand d*** and an ulcer. His. Wife. Has. Dibs. And. You aint. Getting s***. But, 2nd hand d***. And. An. Ulcer. 2nd, s*** I can't even call you 2nd, that is wack! That is cheap. Your are fly! So, fly girl, buy yourself some confidence, get out there and find yourself a man that is available and stop being all poor me and self sabotaging your life!! Come on fly girl! You don't need this! Does this man by you s***? Who cares, get it your self? Does this married man do these crazy ass sex positions, that keep you hungry for more? There are others. Find yourself, a nice single, tantric man! That's what you need. My lil fly girl, go and do you. Go, and do you and forget this lame ass 2 timer and his ball squeezing wife, and get yoself a REAL MAN! Repeat after me...A REAL MAN! Now fly away from this bulls**** my flyest of fly girls, do you, for get this p****- assed married hussy and his dumb assed wife!

-2nd best

Love always, Ladiboi extrodinaire Strudel metropolitan

INSECURITY R AG A Z I N E

DEAR STRUDEL,

DEAR TINA,

Hi. My name is Isabel and I am 11 years old. I'm really not too sure if I should write to you, or if I'm allowed, (I hope don't get in trouble). I can't really talk to my mom, because, you know, I feel like really weird and stuff. But, she reads you a lot, so, if my mom reads you and quotes you to her friends, then I thought that you'd be good to write to. And, you don't like know me KNOW ME. You know? I think there is something wrong with me. I used to think boys were totally gross and annoying. Like, I still wish they would just like, shut up and stuff, but now they are less gross. They are not even gross at all. They are, (this is so embarrassing) cute! What's going on with me! I want to kiss boys! But they are so stupid! Am I getting less smart? Strudel, am I normal? Please help! -"LUCY"

Girl! What you're feeling is sooo normal! I remember when I first realized I was into them boys. I was in 6th grade. I was sitting at the lunch table, eating my pizza hangin' with the girlz, when I looked up and saw Jerome. He was tall, caramel, and...oooo, girl ...delish! I never even noticed this big 'ole slice of heaven, 'til that day. I got sweaty, and tongue tied and oh lord did I make a shameful fool of myself! He came over to talk to my stupid friend Lisa, and there I was, mouth filled with plastic tasting pizza, and I don't know what I was thinking, but... he said â&#x20AC;&#x153;heyâ&#x20AC;? to my stupid friend, and I just laughed. Hard. A big mouth wide opened nasty laugh. My pizza was on display...in my mouth. He looked at me like "what da-?". My friend looked at me like "what da-?". Girl, I even looked at myself like "what da-?". "LUCY", boys are beautiful. Yeah, they got their boogers, but they also got sprouts of chest hair and sweet tight butts. Boys are what make the girls go 'round. And 'round and 'round! They are it! "LUCY", go for yours! I'm not saying to spread your legs, I mean girl, you are only 11, but yeah, they may be dumb, but damn they are cute. So look at 'em, try to talk to 'em, giggle by 'em, and do your thang! We love boys! Embrace the love! Give, the boys a whirl! Love ya baby girl, Strudel Metropolitan Ladyboi diva extrodinaire

R AG G E DY M A N

>hanging by a thread

PREGNANCY STEALTH MODE FIVE WAYS TO HIDE THE BABY GROWING INSIDE YOUR MUMMY TUMMY

SINCE EVE WAS IN THE GARDEN, I'm sure there hasn't been a woman expecting who hasn't wondered how to avoid all those pesky questions and irritating conversations that usually are composed of horror stories or unsolicited advice, often both --and usually from complete strangers. It's no one's business but your OB's when you're due, if it's a boy or a girl, twins or septuplets. Yet as soon as people on the street notice you're pregnant, they've got to chime in with their two cents. Solution: Keep them from noticing with these disguises, or as we like to call them Ms.Guises. 1. Best for rural environments, an everyday wheelbarrow ($78, True Value or Home Depot) does the trick. Load the contents of your car trunk into this front facing wheelbarrow, or use seasonal produce stacked high, to conceal your fertile form. No one wants to ask questions of someone with a wheelbarrow on a mission. 2. Watermelon body paint. "Baby?" Oh, I'm not pregnant, I'm just carrying this watermelon back from the supermarket. What you need: at least two different shades of eye shadow (until Mac makes a TummyShadow product this will have to do), preferably green and grey -- "Temptress" and "Midnight's Shadow" are ideal, and about five hours to apply the disguise. Warning: don't try it in the rain, unless you are using water proof eyeshadow on your tummy.

INSECURITY R AG A Z I N E

3. MumStache(TM) - These easy to use, selfadhesive appliques simulate a moustache, the best disguise of all. (Pack of 3, $18.95) Pregnant woman? No, we are two children stacked on top of each other in order to gain entrance to an "R" Rated movie, and one of us is an early bloomer. To minimize suspicion and to avoid questions about why only one of you "stacked children" has a moustache, best if you wear one yourself.

4. StrobeRobe and GeeGaw Cap - not the names of the baby's grandparents but two innovative fashion pieces. The strobe robe is bedecked with 442 hi-wattage LEDs effectively blinding oncoming pedestrian's and keeping attention off of your belly. For maximum effectiveness wear it with the GeeGaw cap - a crocheted cap complete with rotating whirlygig wings, which rotate and confuse potential busybodies. (StrobeRobe(TM) $1,982 from Pushkins, GeeGaw Cap $48 from DutchUncle).

5. Silver Lame mirrored top from Marcus Wellbeing ($2 for $88). This perfectly reflective space age top, made from the same material as the heat resistant coating of the space shuttle's nose lets you check if there's spinach in your teeth by yourself, or distracts gossipy malcontents --narcissist will be too busy looking at their reflection to project themselves onto you any other way. ### Parker Parker is a high school intern at Insecurity Ragazine. She lives in Ocean View Mass and is expecting her second child this fall, but you'd never know it to look at her.

HANGING BY A THREAD

>ragamuffin

TOXIC RELATIVES MEN HAVE SPORTS, WE HAVE GOSSIP. As it is the end of the wedding season, if you are one of those rare people who comes from a close, happy and well-adjusted extended family, then you need to stop reading right now and skip to the horoscopes. For the rest of us, for whom every graduation party and Thanksgiving dinner resembles a scene from â&#x20AC;&#x153;One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nestâ&#x20AC;?, we have gathered survival strategies for breaking up with your toxic relatives. Is your toxic relative a... COMPULSIVE LIAR? The toxicity of this can vary depending on your relative's personality. There's the happy fantasyland type, who remembers facts and events differently from everybody else, but in a happy, nostalgic way. These people can actually be a lot of fun to be around, especially since their grasp on the truth is so weak that they have no choice but agree to your own revisionist history. Remember that time when I won the Spelling Bee Aunt Jenny? Oh yes! Remember how it was the national Spelling Bee and I was on the news? Oh yes, that was something, wasn't it? The ones you need to break up with do the mirror opposite. Remember how you failed out of school due to a teenaged addiction to oxycodone, then cleaned yourself up and got a job, then fell off the wagon and got knocked 34

INSECURITY R AG A Z I N E

up by a wealthy, married local politician? Of course you don't, because it never happened. Unfortunately, everyone your Aunt is telling this story to at your promotion dinner may not believe you. BREAKUP STRATEGY: Technology Most cell phones these days have a camera that can videotape, and audiotaping your calls is not that difficult (and legal in most states!). The next time your relative makes something up, offer cinematic proof. Better yet, put it on You Tube and invite everyone in her address book to view it.

ALCOHOLIC? If the relation in question is a jolly drunk who slurs a little and passes out in your little brother's room every Christmas Eve, then no harm done. These folks can be very free and easy with their checkbooks if you time it right. If he/she is a nasty, mean or destructive drunk, cross them off your Christmas list for good. BREAKUP STRATEGY: It's not me, it's you.

BREAKUP STRATEGY: Be really offensive about them

POLITICAL EXTREMIST? Generally both the red and the blue are well represented, as well as every color in between. There's your elderly uncle who likes to kill Bambi's mom for sport and who thinks that anyone who doesn't love George W. Bush is a communist. Then there's your hippie second cousin who lived in Guatemala and grows her own hemp, and thinks that anyone who isn't 100% vegan should be locked up, and feels like police departments are facist and should be eliminated. These two always gravitate towards each other like magnets. As long as you gravitate yourself far away from both of them, you should be fine.

Hey Uncle Al, is it true that you have a really small penis?

BREAKUP STRATEGY: Practice the art of passive-aggression

You suck and I can't be around you anymore. Period. Save this one for the most extreme cases. RAGING RACIST/SEXIST/HOMOPHOBE? Everyone has one somewhere in the family tree. Maybe they make offensive jokes about certain ethnicities, or complain about women drivers, or turn red-faced when anyone mentions gay marriage. Don't bother to argue, just add them to the break up list.

Send an anonymous copy of Ann Coulter's latest book to the hippie, and put your right-wing uncle on a mailing list to get Howard Dean elected in 2012. JUST PLAIN CRAZY? There's one in every family. The troublesome ones are the ones who think that they are completely sane and everyone else is nuts. Forget about therapy or medication. You're lucky if you can get Aunt Sally to stop trying to feed your four-month-old nephew a hamburger, while singing TV commercial jingles. BREAKUP STRATEGY: Go off your own meds, and you won't even notice. R AG A M U F F I N

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WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU… WE HOPE THAT THIS ISSUE HELPED TO SOLVE THESE PROBLEMS FOR YOU YOU DON'T NEED TO BE ABLE TO COUNT TO 7 TO BREAK UP WITH SOMEONE. THE INTERNET MIGHT BE CHEATING ON YOU. THE VAJAZZLER COMES WITH A LIFETIME GUARANTEE. LOOK FOR THE RECYCLED RELATIONSHIP BINS OR FACE A POSSIBLE FINE WHY HIDE YOUR BABY... UNLESS YOU WANT TO HIDE YOUR BABY. TELL YOUR FAMILY TO GET ITS $%&!! TOGETHER PENGUINS.

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>custom embedded ad campaigns

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