INSECURITY RAGAZINE ISSUE 08 by Tanata Productions LLC

WE KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU

THE

SOCKS ISSUE KNEES

THE NEW BREASTS

JUST CUZ DATING YOUR COUSIN (AS A TEST)

DRUNK'S MORE FUN LOVEMAKING HE'LL NEVER FORGET HURRICANE STACIE...AN INTERN'S TALE

RAG HAGS

BY ROBERT MONEGAN WHITE TRASH

BREAKUP LINES TWO INTERIM EDITORS SPLIT THE HOLIDAY

ISSUE IN HALF DECEMBER 2010

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INSECURITY R AG A Z IN E

CONTENTS 24

>our insecurities

>insecurious

FROM THE EDITORS

>hemlines 8

12 14 18

SOCKS ISSUE KINKY KORNER- HOLIDAY EDITION TRULY TOP DRAWER THONGS WEDGED IN HISTORY

>rag times 22 24 26

JUST CUZ KNEES: THE NEW BREASTS DRUNK'S MORE FUN

>waxing poetic 32

DON'T CALL THEM BODY STOCKINGS 36 FASHION FREEGAN

IN HIS HEAD/ ON HIS HEAD ERROR 404

>hanging by a thread 48

WHAT YOUR SOCKS ARE SAYING ABOUT YOU MALE ORDERED RAG HAGS BY ROBERT MONEGAN

>ragamuffin 54

HURRICANE STACIE: AN INTERN'S TALE 57 ALL OF THAT: NONE OF THAT 58 WASTE NOT, WANT NOT COZIES 60 WHITE TRASH BREAKUP LINES 61 WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU

>raggedy man 38

MOTHER EVE: A SOCK FOR YOUR HEART 40 STRUDEL: OUR FAVORITES FOR THE YEAR

C O N TE N TS

EDITOR-IN-CHIEF

DESIGN DIRECTOR EXECUTIVE EDITOR FASHION DIRECTOR EXECUTIVE MANAGING EDITOR DEPUTY EDITOR EDITORIAL BRAND DIRECTOR

MEET THE INSECURE TEAM BEAUTY ASSOCIATE BEAUTY EDITOR BEAUTY ASSISTANT

Penny Thurman Nice Reve

PHOTOGRAPHY DIRECTOR ART DIRECTOR RAG HAGS CREATOR/ ILLUSTRATOR ENTERTAINMENT DIRECTOR BEAUTY DIRECTOR

FEATURES SENIOR EDITOR WRITING STAFF

COVER PHOTOGRAPHER PRODUCER DRES DESIGNER STYLISIT HAIR AND MAKEUP MODEL

Jethro Clara T. Laura Jackson Lisa "before the club "Metropolis BL Glamourous Damaris

FASHION INTERPRETE HAUTE COUTURE FASHION AND ACCESSORIES MARKET DIRECTOR SENIOR FASHION MARKET EDITOR ACCESSORIES EDITOR FASHION ASSISTANT SENIOR FASHION EDITOR SENIOR BOOKING EDITOR

Neno Avendre Pat Parr Lan Thomason Norma Chu Madison Hearst Tabitha Michelson Luther Evans Cara Polk

Harriet Bonaparte Selena Gleason Eddie Fuentes Beatriz Romano Valasquez Anneler Stephen Barrett Tim Alford Tamara Ellison Clara T. Dawn Elise Robert Monegan Susan Wilson Sheryn Braun

ASSOCIATE EDITOR EXECUTIVE ASST. TO EDITOR-IN-CHIEF EDITORIAL ASSISTANT MEDICAL ADVISORY BOARD

Harriet Bonaparte Rebecca Rhodus, Shawna Richardson, Jennifer Coosebury, Annabella Oreksya, Deirdre Trol-Stevens, Tabby Malloy, Margo Van Norte, Torie Baxley, Rosie Salazar, Kym Tyler-Donnelly, Annabelle Mason, Doreen Canasto, Debbie Kinkokan, Bretty Kyley, Lavontor Smith, Teri Foxx, Chatterly Pendleton, Anna Simone Sinclair, Roberta Anne Jackson Mike Granger Patrick Michaels Scottie Coffman Dr. Timothy Kirchhoefer

INSECURITYRAG.COM SENIOR WEB DEVELOPER WEB EDITOR BEAUTY EDITOR

Benjamin T. Haynes, Esquire Lucile Xiong Mauro Holcomb

PHOTO PRODUCER PHOTOGRAPHER HAIR AND MAKE-UP WARDROBE STYLING PROP STYLING SENIOR PHOTO EDITOR, RESEARCH PHOTO PRODUCTION ASSOCIATE ASSOCIATE EDITOR, RESEARCH COPY AND RESEARCH COPY AND RESEARCH DIRECTOR DEPUTY COPY CHIEF RESEARCH EDITOR COPY EDITOR

Clara T. Midori Sauer Bubba P. Meme Meeetropolis Dub P. Audrey Goldstein Kyle Dawson Corina Manchester Margarito Burroughs Tim Pulnik Jaques Barry Bettie Branch Frank Leischman

ADVERTISING & SALES ADVERTISING DIRECTOR DIRECTOR OF MARKETING STRATEGY EXECUTIVE BEAUTY DIRECTOR ADVERTISING SERVICES DIRECTOR

MARKETING & PROMOTION MARKETING DIRECTOR CREATIVE SERVICES DIRECTOR ART DIRECTOR PROMOTION DIRECTOR ASSOCIATE PROMOTION DIRECTOR SPECIAL PROJECTS MANAGER PROMOTION COORDINATOR

INSECURITY R AG A Z IN E

Leo Stiles Jimmy Arlene Maureen Cooper Alfred Miles

Michelle Vincent Amy Gengler Laurel Holland Vikki Schnurr David LaCascia Marlena Pineda Milos Pellerin

>welcome!

RAGVERTISE WITH THE WORLD’S FIRST ONLINE FASHION RAGAZINE

WHO ARE WE? INSECURITY RAGAZINE IS TO FASHION what the Colbert Report is to politics. At Insecurity Ragazine, our goal is to become the de-facto lunch destination of women everywhere, a Lunchzine in the spirit of The Onion. Insecurity Ragazine presents women with an alternative venue to share their experiences and find great stories using innovative page-turning technology. Combining a monthly online periodical with a community driven website, Insecurity Ragazine will provide a unique location for women’s voices and humor, unlike any found in today’s marketplace. As we develop an invested, online community, we’re reaching out to sponsors and vendors wishing to expand their advertising base and introduce their products to a new audience. The Ragazine is quickly expanding to new platforms (iPad, iPhone, Android, Issuu, Firefox, Safari, IE8, Opera) , and there are currently four ways for you to promote your message through our pages. This online sample will walk you through how your advertising will look and interact with consumers savvy enough to use this exciting new technology. C O N TE N TS

>our insecurities

FROM THE

EDITORS from Harriet

WHEN I WAS TOLD THAT SELENA AND I were to assemble a Holiday Issue, I was a bit taken aback. We were originally scheduled to work on a "Socks" issue, until Penelope left and the deadlines for everything got pushed back by a couple of months. Penelope's departure has not been easy on the staff, and it has taken a huge effort for all of us to come together and put our names on something we could be proud of. One of the goals for the the Socks issue was to give the Ragazine a new "look", but Selena felt that since we were also working on a Holiday issue that our readers would want us to keep the traditional "look" of the Ragazine. Our compromise was to split the issue in half and present our own vision for this month's two themes: Socks, and Holidays. I'll admit that I became disillusioned at an early age with this time of year. My father was in the military and only time we saw him was when he was on TV one year, a football game that said "Hello to the troops" and he stood with five 6

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of his "buddies" yelling Merry Christmas, or whatever it was you were supposed to yell. I remember my mother getting so excited that she made us watch the TV for the rest of the night, just in case they played it again. They didn't, but I did see exactly thirty-two Kay Jewelers commercials, which left me with the conclusion that America cared more about Christmas diamonds than it did about my dad. I wouldn't go as far as to say that I hate the holidays, I'm just not impressed by them. Nothing very special ever happened to me, and the one time I do remember having my father home, my family got the flu so bad that none of us could even get up Christmas morning. Sure there's something festive and fun about the idea, I just don't think the execution has been very good, at least not with my family, at least not during December. So instead, I chose to focus on one of fashion's most misunderstood staples, the sock. Often plain and reliable, the sock is the one element grounding any ensemble, often time the only thing that holds an outfit together. I have often wondered what the world would be without socks, and after working on this issue, I've concluded that it would be a very unhappy place. So join me as I explore the unsung hero that is the sock. I know that you will be as humbled by its influence as I am. - Harriet Bonaparte Interim C0-Editor

from Selena IT'S CELEBRATION TIME!!! I can't believe how much time has passed since our last issue. Penelope told us that it would be difficult, but I didn't realize how much work went into an entire month's worth of fashion, fun and flirtation. I can't wait to finally sit back, relax and look over every page. I'm especially proud of the writing for this issue. Everyone really pulled together and put forth their best stuff. They are literally the BEST staff that I have EVER worked with. Congrats everyone!!!! As you have probably noticed, we have a somewhat different look this month. I think that Harriet has done a fine job with the layout work in her half of the magazine, but I have to admit it was somewhat of a relief to get back to the familiar format you've come to expect from Insecurity Ragazine in my half. The hours that were spent pouring over every little detail was overwhelming at times, but everyone here was a true professional and I can't wait to see what the new year will bring. In terms of our future as "interim editors" I can't really say what's going

to happen, but I do know that I have a lot to be thankful for this year and I plan on spending every free moment with friends, family, and that special someone (you know who you are (-;) I don't want to give anything away, but he's absolutely the best boyfriend that anyone could ever hope to have, and I couldn't have gotten through this experience without his calm, reassuring writing and guidance. Kisses my honey and thank you!!! But enough of this love-fest, you're probably eager to begin your journey through the pages of the Rag (although I might suggest that sometimes it's better to take that journey backwards! (-;). As Penelope would say, sit back, relax and enjoy the Rag. Happy Holidays everyone and God Bless!!! Selena Gleason Interim C0-Editor

HEMLINES

>hemlines

SOCKS ISSUE

Are you An Above or Below the Knee Girl? Take the sock challenge and find out just what kind of lady men see you as when you don your legs. Answer the following ten questions YES or NO, then tally your score below to find out if you are, An Above or Below the Knee Girl?

You have more than one pair of leggings in your sock drawer? Your sock draw contains something made out of fishnet? You have never owned a pair of anklets? At the back of at least one pair of your socks is a cotton ball in a pastel color? You have a pair of socks that create ass cleavage? You know what ass cleavage is? Do you have more oranges than blues? You have worn socks with heels on a day other than Halloween? You own socks that are made specifically to attach to garters? Thigh-high is a term you are familiar with in both the shoe and sock depts.?

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HEMLINES

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If you answered YES to more than 5 questions You’re an Above the Knee Girl… So you’re the Girl who doesn’t worry about a ride home from the club…because you don’t plan to come home…right? And chances are your sock drawer doesn’t contain anything with cute animals or prints on it. You’re ABOVE THE KNEE all the way baby and you have been every man’s wet dream since back in high school when you rolled your skirt up just enough to show the back of those soccer socks that went just above the knee and circled around your thigh. Another name for you Miss ABOVE THE KNEE might be “Vixen”, “Wild” and “Still Single”. Hey don’t hate the quiz facts if you can’t handle the truth that they reveal. If you answered NO to 4 or more questions… You’re a Below the Knee Girl… When you’re not in church, decked out in your white opaque stockings, you’re sporting your tube socks as you help rescue wild animals, or pulling up your argyles as you study the night away for the big exam. Let’s face it you’re the good “BELOW THE KNEE” wearing sock girl… be proud! Based on what’s in your sock drawer he’ll be bringing you home to Mom, not just bringing you home..like your fishnet thighhigh of an ABOVE THE KNEE wearin’ whore roommate. HEMLINES

KINKY KORNER You submit them; We review them.

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Nothing inspires boudoir fantasies like the holidays! JANELLE AND TOM: XMAS, 2005: Wave File Oh, how I pray for holiday traditions. When we would dress up as naughty Santa or sexy Elf or that special present and whisper “Don’t you want to open your gift?” Or we could sit on Dirty Santa’s lap, wish for a special toy, and it would appear from his pocket. We would play Reindeer Games the rest of the night. Remember those days? Yeah, they are gone. Here we go… (sigh) Janelle takes the lens cap off the camera. As the camera refocuses, we are exposed to Tom wearing only a cleverly constructed beak made out of an empty toilet paper tube held together by scotch tape. He is gyrating and “gobbling” as a naked holiday turkey to R. Kelly’s Trapped in a Closet. Tom’s double chin shakes with reckless abandonment, acting as a perfect- oh that thing under the beak of a turkey- anybody know the name of that thing? The Caruncle! It is clear to the camera - this “Tom Turkey” I see before me - should have been “de-feathered” beforehand in certain regions because the vegetable oil that he was rubbing over his man-fur was not useful a flirtation device in my eyes. Now, Janelle

clearly disagreed with me as she encouraged him to spread it over his body more and more… and more. Speaking of “spread” -- Do you know how a male turkey attracts the female turkey? The males puff out their bodies, strut, and spread their….tail feathers. Which Tom did right in camera. This apparently worked on Janelle because she immediately instructed Tom to lie down on the bed (we can only hope for a beheading), puts the camera on the dresser, and enters into frame… (sigh)…… dressed as…. A dreidel. Now, at a quick glance I would have thought she was dressed as a milk carton, but the word “Draddle” (SIC) scrawled across the back of the cardboard made it quite clear. Here, she procedes to “streidel” the drumstick of the turkey and - in her words not mine“spin me like a top,” which Tom miraculously does with ease. I guess that’s what the vegetable oil was for. The confusing part (of many) was that the dreidel was topped off with a Santa hat, proving, I suppose, that the holidays mean different things to different people...and who are we to judge? Happy Holidays, from Kinky Korner.

HEMLINES

TRULY, TOP DRAWER!

by Chelsea Haynesworth

INSECURITY R AG A Z IN E

Do you want to know what your man is really like? Are you pulling your hair out because you have no clue where the hell he is coming from? Well, we TOTALLY understand! But, we have a question to propose to you. Have you ever thought of looking at his socks? Weird, right? We thought so too. Luckily for you, Icelandic researchers Falda Fridleifsdottir and Gunnar Helgarson (aka-Icelands hottest scientific duo) conducted an in depth global look at the men inside the socks! This scientific sock method, which took the latter part of two years, includes intense surveys, relentless study and extensive tests in 6 continents in over 106 countries. They used a cornucopia of men (different ages, races and creeds) to bring to you, the women of the world, the most eye opening study about the opposite sex in quite some time. So ladies, take this article and raid your man's sock drawer, (make sure he’s not home of course), and find out who the man you’re dating really is! Note: I’ve re-written this scientific study in lay-woman’s words so that everyone can understand.

HEMLINES

INSECURITY R AG A Z IN E

THE TUBE SOCK

Ladies, this is a complicated man. Although still trapped in the glory days of his youth, he still is unconsciously attached to his mother’s breast. Unwilling to grow up, he can be a surprisingly attentive lover. Not smooth with words, his gestures of love are not exactly what you want, but this mama’s boy’s heart is usually in the right place.

THE TROUSER SOCK

Run. Run away as fast as you possibly can. He pretends to be a knight in shining armor, the perfect gentleman, but as you look away he is gawking at the closest piece of tail that is shimmying past him. And ladies, you know how he is a kinky mutha’ in the sack? Well, this man’s sexual hunger is one who is hungry for some S & M craziness that if he isn’t binding and gagging you, he is definately doing it to someone else...and hopefully she survives and can live to tell the tale.

TOE SOCKS

A total free spirit. Well, maybe a little too free. He is a sexy little hippie throw back, right down to the free love and the LSD mental trip. Good to be with for a fling, but if your looking for marriage material...find another sock.

ARGYLE

Ladies, you need to sit down for this. I don’t know how to put this. He is a flaming homosexual. Big time. He may say he loves you, and might in a sweet brotherly kind of way, but when you two are making your boring vanilla love, he’s really thinking of his personal trainer. I mean, didn’t it ever occur to you to question your relationship after he’s asked you to have anal sex every day for months and months on end?

STRIPES

Stripes. A nice boy. A very nice boy. He is docile. He will do whatever you want to do. He is basically is a starfish through life. If you love barking orders and having a man bow and obey at every turn, then you have found your man. With the personality of a wet paper bag, he will “yes honey” you ‘til your dying days!

ANKLE SOCKS

This sporty guy with a flair for neatness is completely in love with himself. He is that guy at the gym who stares at his own reflection and gets off at the glimpse of his bicep in a sweaty glorious contraction. Obsessed with himself, the only way he will pay attention to you is if you are telling him how great he is. So, if you want to be with a narcisist, find your ankle sock man, and get ready for throwing up mirrors in your living quarters.

BLACK SOCKS

The simple all black sock. A guy who likes to melt into the background. Someone who likes to hang out and watch. In the shadows. This man is unbelievably creepy. I’m not saying he is a serial killer, but let’s just say he is off mentally and we wouldn’t suggest leaving him alone with your hot 15 year old cousin...or your adorable 4 year old niece or nephew. In short, he’s creepy, so creep yourdelf right on outta there!

PLAIN WHITE SOCKS

This seemingly boring sock protects the feet of the most wonderfully complicated man. He is a sweet, charming, always evolving renessance man. A whiz in the kitch, attentive in bed, a poet, a fighter...the list of amazing attributes can go on and on. If you want a real man, then look no further, he is here, wearing plain white socks!!

Well ladies, there you have it. An extensive look at men and their socks by two amazing scientists. If you’d like to learn more about this study and other studys like this, then go to Falda and Gunnar’s website at www.icelandscience.org And ladies if you’ve learned one thing, it's to judge your man by his socks. They are the true windows to his soul. HEMLINES 17

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THONGS (WEDGED) IN HISTORY

1969

To commemorate the disappearance of framed Pilot Carolyn Cascio the masses bronze her panties as the only relic from the watery grave. And the Bermuda Triangle was borne. HEMLINES

>issuus, ipads, iphones and androids

ONLINE VIRTUAL LUNCHZINE WITH THE INTRODUCTION of Apple’s iPad, Insecurity Ragazine (from the beginning) has positioned itself to take advantage of print media’s most exciting innovation. Built digitally from the ground up, Insecurity Ragazine uses virtual page turning technology to give readers the online experience of reading our Ragazine. Currently we utilize an iPad, iPhone and Google Android program called Issuu to deliver to readers the best virtual Fashion Lunchzine experience in the market today. Embedded links and images allow users to click on products throughout the Ragazine which will take them to websites featuring or selling those items. In the upcoming months, Insecurity Ragazine will release a native iPad app that takes full advantage of this new platform’s capabilities.

SO HOW DOES IT WORK? FLIP THE PAGES OF THIS RAGVERTISING RAGAZINE TO FIND OUT 20

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>ad pages that take our readers to your products

WANT MORE THAN JUST A PICTURE TO TELL A THOUSAND WORDS ABOUT YOU? NEW PROMOTION COMING UP?

e Click on thss, la Wine G and Necklace L ink Dress forples Exam

WE CAN INSTALL LINKS TO YOUR PRODUCTS ON THE PAGES OF YOUR ADVERTISMENT, ALLOWING READERS TO FIND OUT MORE ABOUT YOUR PRODUCTS

FULL PAGE AD HEMLINES

>rag times By Alia Morgan: Professional Wedding Guest It usually happens at a wedding. The bride’s father has agreed to tack on two hours to the reception, the band has run out of its “safe songs”, and the bartender doesn’t even bother to ask “what you’re having.” Typically you’ve been in a steady relationship for two years, but things are beginning to wane. At the last minute, he cancels the wedding weekend, forcing you to load your camera with lots of “couple shots” that you can show your family when they invariably ask where the love of your life is. “Oh, he had to fly down to Pittsburgh for some museum emergency,” the words barely leaving your lips before you realize how unfortunate you sound. A quick swap at the name card tray puts you squarely at the “single cousins” table where you try desperately to remember which one of them held your head too long under water when your were both seven. The conversations are pleasant enough. Francie has a job as a dental assistant at a strip mall, Larry has been doing underwater anchor recovery/insurance photos for the past 3 years, and Lisa can’t remember the last time she got really drunk. You check your phone to see if there are 22

INSECURITY R AG A Z IN E

any prince charming texts when HE sits down. Oh my God. Oh my God, who is he? His black hair rests gently on his shoulders as his blue eyes penetrate your soul and illuminates every unhappy thought you’ve had about your current relationship. You forget to breathe just long enough for Francie to introduce you to Derek, Aunt Janie and Uncle Frank’s son from Arizona... talk, dark and cousin.

It’s difficult to remember when it exactly happened. Everyone was dancing, I mean everyone. Lisa talked you into switching from wine to tequila, but you wisely used the slow dances to try and call Museum Boy to tell him how much you love him. And then it happens... the song. Prince, or the artist formerly known as Prince, that stupid F****** masochist who writes primal pop tunes that even one-legged Uncle Carey can dance to. Dreamily, you find yourself being dragged to the dance floor, and placed squarely in front of Derek, beautiful Derek who moves better than most gay men you know, and isn’t afraid to demonstrate to the world how magnificent the world would be if he was always dancing. The photographer, that bastard, picks up on the sparks within the room and starts documenting,

JUST CUZ! wild kingdom style, the intrepid ritual the develops when tequila, terpsichore, and tantric tunes overwhelm the sensibilities. Long story short, Mr. and Mrs. Frederick Ivey Junior have in their wedding book a series of pictorials illustrating just how close you and Derek came to becoming kissing cousins.

Looking back on the evening, you feel somewhat foolish about what happened, but what DID happen? You got a little drunk, you danced a little too close, but in the end you had a great conversation with someone who inherently understood who you were, where you came from, and made you realize that your current relationship was destroying your identity. In fact, all things considered, what would be so wrong continuing the relationship (flipper babies aside)? What would be wrong with dating your cousin, in a non-sexual, purely fact-finding fashion? First of all, a quick phone call to Aunt Alice would let you know everything you ever wanted to know about Derek, his life, his dating habits and any quirky idiosyncrasies that surely wouldn’t pop up until long after you got a dog together. Secondly,

chances are you would have the same sense of humor, an appreciation of cultural irregularities, and compassion for familial mental illness. Most importantly, you would be able to ask him ANYTHING you wanted about how he viewed you, what he liked about you, what he would change about you, how he would help you, how he would hurt you, how you could change him, and even what he would like to do to you. Is it ideal? Probably not, but what relationship is? What you do get a is a best friend, without strings in a non-sexual context that you can go out to dinner with and try cuitlacoche without wondering if it’s going to make you sick. Best of all, you’ll have someone to talk to you at those awkward family functions, made more awkward when someone whips out the wedding album and starts ribbing you about the funky chicken. Instead of blushing in embarrassment, you’ll look over at Derek warmly, sharing a secret that brought you closer to yourself, and closer to your family. In the end, isn’t that what a good relationship is all about? It’s like the French always say, “Si mon tonton tond ton tonton, ton tonton sera tondu.” The same can be said about dating your cousin. R AG TI M E S

KNEES: THE NEW BREASTS By Jennifer Trol-Stephens

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Anthropologists at the University of Salt Lake have recently published a study confirming what we knew all along: through a phenomenon called “erogenous mimicry” tertiary sex characteristics and erogenous zones mimic primary and secondary ones. For example, you may know about “labial mimicry” or the idea of the lips of the face mirroring more intimate parts of your body both in form, and in function. What you might not know is that the triangle of hair on the back of your neck looks an awful lot like your landing strip to a potential mate, and your knees often imitate the width and circumference of your mammary glands. This is no cause for alarm --small children will not be biting you in the leg, and your date won’t be trying to lick the back of your head in line at the movies on your second date, but it does mean you can slyly use these parallels to your advantage.

And if you are concerned this isn’t enough to attract the man of your dreams, you might consider applying decoration to these erogenous zones the way you would any other. Some women have been dying the hair at the nape of the neck in bright colors, or even shaved it entirely! We all have friends who we secretly suspect pad their bras to D cups, so why not get a leg up on them, and pad your knee caps? Using an extra pair of pantyhose and some socks, you can easily enlarge the appearance of your knees in long pants or even under a dress. Perfect for that man you like who will not accept any less. What about short pants? Some bad girls have even been known to paint a nipple on each knee. Watch their heads turn when you’re strolling along the avenue of Cannes for little people... these tips may give you a few ideas of directions you can go even further in, to ensure you go all the way.

Much in the same way that distractedly caressing your lips can draw attention from that cute barista, subtly rubbing your knees at the Church Picnic will have the same effect. The Bonobo apes attract mates in much the same way, effectively lining the suitors up around the block. R AG TI M E S

DRUNK'S MORE FUN By Doreen Canasto

It’s the most wonderful time of the year! Again. Christmas carols are playing in every loudspeaker within earshot, and elderly relatives are already calling to see what you want and what they should cook. Your boss is grumpily wondering if Christmas Day is a “real holiday” and asking HR if they can deduct everyone a vacation day. Your sister has once again dictated everyone’s holiday plans by scheduling Christmas Eve at her house, which she gets away with every year because she asks everyone in July and nobody can think up a good excuse fast enough. (I’m ready for her next year though. Toe surgery scheduled for Christmas Eve 2011. Bring it on sis!) It’s a crying shame that what used to be a beautiful, happy, giving time of year has morphed into a stressful, commercial, going-into-debt, refill-your-Xanax time. I yearn to return to the carefree Christmases of my youth, and after much experimentation, have decided that the solution is very simple: alcohol. Not falling down drunk, and not unable to function drunk, but finding that sweet spot of having just enough juice in your system to make it through the holidays without having a nervous breakdown. The following has become my holiday tradition.

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R AG TI M E S

Friday November 27th

The Day after Thanksgiving. This is an easy one. Plan a post-Thanksgiving brunch with loads of Bloody Marys. (If you find yourself going shopping or uttering the words “Black Friday” – you’ve had too much.)

Saturday November 28th

Still technically Thanksgiving weekend. Turkey leftovers go great with pilsner.

Saturday December 5th

Hair of the Dog to recover from boring Darts Night.

Sunday December 6th

St. Nick’s Day. Have a St. Nick’s Day party and make some kind of punch. It doesn’t matter that nobody has heard of it.

Sunday November 29th

Monday December 7thWednesday December 9th

Monday November 30th

Thursday December 10th

There has to be some kind of sports on the tube, right? True Americans wouldn’t do this without Bud Light and nachos handy.

Find a group of people who didn’t see you over Thanksgiving and propose a Happy Hour Monday to recover from all those relatives. (I mean, we all have a racist cousin, yes?)

Tuesday December 1st

Rent’s due! Find a few friendly neighbors and down a jello shot for every day you plan on paying late.

Wednesday December 2nd

Wine tasting at the local liquor store. It’s important to sample a few before making holiday purchases.

Thursday December 3rd

Go back to liquor store a buy a few bottles of your favorite tasting. Crack one open to sample with dinner to make sure they gave you the right one.

Friday December 4th

Allow yourself to be talked into sneaking out of work early to go to Darts Night with the “Gang”. Try to forget how boring The Gang is.

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Find out that you have to use up the rest of your company sick days by the end of the year or lose them forever. Buy a giant bottle of NyQuil and call in sick.

Emily Dickenson’s birthday. Invite over a few former English majors (preferably ones who didn’t graduate) and have mulled hard cider while reading depressing poems out loud.

Friday December 11th

Hanukkah begins! Call your Jewish friends and ask them if this is a drinking holiday. When they say no, have a toast in their honor.

Saturday December 12th

Go to your local video store and rent every Christmas movie ever made. Have a marathon weekend of childhood favorites with anyone who doesn’t have plans (P.S. – Most people will at this time of year). Post a note in the lobby of your building or on Craig’s List if it comes to that. Come up with a drinking game involving snow.

Sunday December 13th

While foraging around for lunch, discover an untouched 6-pack of Fezziwig Ale that your new neighbor friend brought over last night for your movie party. These have to be consumed in December, so get on it.

R AG TI M E S

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Monday December 14th

Tuesday December 22nd

Tuesday December 15th

Wednesday December 23rd

You discover simultaneously that Hanukkah is eight days long and about Manischewitz. Buy a bottle immediately and make someone invite you over to their family Hanukkah dinner.

Is that cold coming back? Hot toddy before bedtime.

Wednesday December 16th

Anniversary of the Boston Tea Party. The recent political tea parties can inspire you to make a real celebration of it. Call up your rabid right-wing conservative friends and your left-wing hippie friends, invite them all over and spike the tea with something strong. Authentic Revolutionary War costumes is a nice touch, but firearms must be checked at the door.

Thursday December 17th

Leftover “tea” for breakfast. You have a presentation to present at 10am, so this is actually kind of crucial.

Buy a Christmas tree and make some hot buttered rum to cheer you up while attempting to decorate it. Are the pine needles supposed to be brown and falling off?

Last day the office is open. Someone there will be a bad influence and convince everyone at work to leave by 3pm and go out for drinks. That someone could be you.

December 24th-December 31st Everyone drinks from Christmas Eve through New Year’s Eve so just blend in.

Friday January 1st

You made it! Make a cup of herbal tea and take advantage of one of the many discounts on gym memberships. You’re going to need it, because you can’t have done this right without packing on 10 or 15 pounds. See you next year!

Friday December 18th

Office Christmas Party. Need we say more?

Saturday December 19th

Hair of the Dog to recover from Office Christmas Party.

Sunday December 20th

Go to the mall around lunchtime without a shopping list and immediately get overwhelmed. Find a Ruby Tuesday’s and order some awful sugary rum drink with an umbrella.

Monday December 21st

Stay home in the evening and wrap gifts bought from mall trip. Sip a small glass of wine to keep from throwing rolls of paper across the room.

R AG TI M E S

>waxing poetic

DON’T CALL THEM BODY STOCKINGS!

Five make-at-home designer fashion patterns for Action Figure Dolls. by Parker Parker

The latest fashions from Paris, needn’t Eiffel Tower over you! In fact here are some that are just right for mighty mites, whether your child’s dolls are beachcombers, in the armed forces, or simply ambiguous. What You Will Need: 1) Two and 1 half pairs of Hermes Hosiers Platinum Toe Antimicrobial Silk Socks size 8-15. 2) 1 pair of surgical steel limited edition scissors from Reconstitution Hardware. 3) Your son or daughter’s favorite action figure/fashion doll/very small boy-toy. All of the following fashions were draped and shaped using the above. Here are a few to get you started but you will come up with hundreds on your own. One day you will have boyfriends of your own who like to dress up. Until then, you can dress up these attentive men of your dreams however you like. Now if only someone would make Giant Socks for real men.

Parker Parker is Insecurity Ragazine’s High School intern, and has been a guest judge on both America’s Got Fashion and Project Trundle.

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RATES

WAX I N G PO E TI C

F A S HBy IDebbie ON F R E E G A N Brandywine: The Rag’s Shoe Expert You might be familiar with the story of Jesus’ Footprints, but what if Jesus didn’t have to leave any footprints and could still help you? A new eco-socialogical-religious movement here in America is beginning to ask that question, and in some cases, answering it. This zephyric crusade is called Freeganism, and is insistently reminding society what it is to be completely free.

ing the Pope what not having sex was like. You would never be able to understand his answer, unless you too were able go your entire life without having sex, and yet be as powerful as he is. As a Freegan, I would understand this, but more importantly be able to tell you why you couldn’t possibly understand it, and give you pointers on what you could do to stop sounding so banal.

Meet Abigail Alvoyance, a widely followed Professor of Freeganism who has spent most of this decade evaluating society’s obsession with material desires and the long-term effects it has on both the environment and historical religious teachings. Ms. Alvoyance invited us to spend the afternoon with her to help explain many of the misconceptions about Freegans. The following are sections of the interview we conducted.

IR: How has the fashion industry embraced Freeganism and do you think it will expand because of this? AA: First of all, Freeganism will never expand. It’s one of our primary principles. In terms of fashion, what I find most lacking in the industry is a voice of removal. Everything in fashion is more, more, more, and Freeganism is “less, less, less", so I just think that there was something refreshing about our message that has been lacking in the world of beauty. What I think we offer to models in particular is a path to nowhere, that they are aware of anyway Time after time, models have come to me, almost in tears, blubbering about how the runway leaves them empty and confused. What I say to them is that the emptiness is their right, now let us work on the confused. It’s an enormous burden for us to lift from them, but once we do, there is a dramatic transformation. I think the industry has noticed and soon the rest of the world will too.

IR: What is Freeganism? AA: Freeganism is not about food, or clothing, or the carbon imprint we leave behind, it’s about what we don’t leave, what we can’t see, what may or may not be there depending on where it is. What’s important to a Freegan is his or her ability to improve what might not be there, or should be there. IR: What are some of the tenets of Freeganism? AA: The main principle of Freeganism is “Nothing for Nothing’s sake”. In other words, if you have something that you’d rather not have, it’s not as important to not have it, as it is for a fellow Freegan to point out that you don’t need to have it. What we find most disturbing in today’s society, is not one’s ability to possess something, rather their inability to know how to go about it. Freegans by nature concentrate on bringing to light the problem, and then allowing the problem to be solved. IR: How do Freegans determine what isn’t there. AA: It’s not so much a determination as a conviction. What you’re asking would be similar to ask36

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IR: If you could give one piece of advice to someone considering becoming a Freegan, what would it be? AA: I would tell them don’t. You don’t come to Freeganism, Freeganism comes to you. If you need us, we’ll find you. If you don’t think you need us, you’re probably too sick to know. I will say this, however, if we do show up, you had better be ready. Freeganism does not last very long and its effects are relatively unnoticed by the casual observer. To the person we administer to, however, the results are life-changing and immediate. Just try to stay out of its way.

>raggedy man

A SOCK FO R YOUR HEART By Mother Eve

INSECURITY R AG A Z IN E

When I look in the mirror, I smile big. I’ve come to own my inner beauty and all of its imperfections, which only makes my outer fabulousity sparkle, shimmer, and attract men and women to me like moths to a flame. I see my baby blue eyes and my mother-of-pearl grin; I see my alabaster skin and cascade of soft curls. I may not be Giselle, but I don’t want the burden of being Giselle anyway. Men only think they want a Giselle. When it comes down to it, they want Betty Crocker in the kitchen, Donna Reed at dinner parties, and a combination of Lenny Bruce, Richard Pryor, and Brigitte Bardot in the bedroom. When I look south, it’s a different story. Way down at the South Pole are my feet. With early dreams of being a dancer thwarted by the growth of va-va-voom breasts and Jack and the Beanstalk height, the beauty of my high arches are glossed over in favor of the unsolicited attention paid to what I call my Boomerang toes. In the 1992 movie Boomerang, Eddie Murphy freaks out the morning after sleeping with Robin Givens’ character when the sheets are pulled back to reveal her hideous and unsightly toes. With my one set of webbed toes on each foot and a right toe that refuses to be contained within a sock for more than 2 wears, I’ve sent many a boyfriend screaming. One New Year’s Day, while visiting Igor, the Russian man I dated for far too long, we went over to a friend’s apartment for a visit and some borscht. After the initial greetings, we were offered a pair of slippers to wear, as is the customary practice when visiting and trekking through another home in Russia. Igor’s face flushed a deep Kremlin red when he saw my big right toe peeping through my snowy white sock to shout “Happy New Year!” to the group assembled in our friend’s foyer. Later, I listened to an interminably long monologue on how this oversight of not mending the holes in my socks was a deep embarrassment to him and a poor reflection on me. I began to wear the stubbornness of my right toe as a badge of honor of the strength of my character, rather than a negative comment on it. If someone

inadvertently sees my right toe poking through my sock, well then, they can relax and know that I, too, am human. If, like Igor, they simply can’t handle it, then I know it’s time to write them off like a character with an unfulfilled dream in a Chekov play. Those holes in my socks actually started to amortize themselves. If you couldn’t handle it, then you weren’t worth it. Isn’t it time you asked yourself what thing that you do or wear in your life has driven the men you’ve loved into a tizzy? Isn’t it time you take that tizzyinducing thing you do or wear and multiply it tenfold? Pinpointing where the holes in the socks of your life are will illuminate who and where you are wasting your time and help you get rid of the riff-raff. Recently, my dear friend Carlotta, single woman homeowner and expert in on-line dating, sent me a 3 pack of cozy and colorful socks. After multiple wears, my right toe holds strong, still contained with the sock. I’ve realized that maybe I needed to upgrade my Burlington socks to Burberry socks, or at least wannabe Burberry; that maybe I wasn’t investing in a quality product indicative of the value I place on my own personal net worth (of character.) I’ve also gotten off my foreign men kick and decided to take Anita’s advice. As she told Maria in West Side Story, “Stick to your own kind!” We all remember what happened when Maria didn’t follow Anita’s advice. I wouldn’t trade the plug those holes in my socks served for the holes in my heart for all the designer socks in the world. Winter is here and I’ve decided to graduate to all knee-high all the time and see what the skin ring the sock creates just below the kneecap does to the men in my life now. Igor, for the record, is still living at home with his aunt in a Tolstoyan peasant village. As for me? It’s Saturday night in New York City. Me and my right toe are going to hit the town. That’ll be one frozen strawberry margarita with salt, please.

R AG G E DY M AN

STRUDEL Our favorites of the year.

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Dear Strudel, So my boyfriend and I got into this super huge argument and although it was like forever ago, you can totally tell we haven’t been the same. I mean, there TOTALLY is like an unspoken drama between us, and to be honest with you Strudel, its effing killing me! We fought about sex, and we both asked the other to be honest, and now our sex went from red hots to vanilla. I’m so sad about this Strudel, I want my baby back!!! Please help me!! Yours Truly, Totally Sad Haaaaay Totally Sad! Girl, you is soooo stoopid for trying to have that sex conversation, honestly. Are you out of your damn mind? You honestly think you can handle hearing that yo’ ass ain’t juicy enough or you don’t ride it like that little Seabiscuit jockey? And if you could, then you is one strong b*****, ok? And you think your man can handle that he is not the King, the all mighty AND the biggest d*** you eva’ had!? You b****** is re-tard-ed. Now listen Totally, I know honesty is THE key to a good relationship, and I promote it, but you can’t be honest and be dumb at the same time! You gotta play the fool and you gotta let him play you back. What do I mean? Ok girl, here are some fresh examples from my life that my help yo’ ass out. I call them, my sweet little faves. Why do I call them this? Well brainiac, it’s because if you caress your man with little verbal (and physical) tickles of things you like, he’s gonna drop those bad assed habits like a sheriff drops soap in a county shower stall! Listen, my man used to do this ANNOYING thing; nibbling on my damn toes. He thought it was so f****** cute, but that s**** was just weird! So, I kept having to say it (all nice cuz I didn’t want this cannibal seeming motha by my

twinkle toes) how I loves when he licked my nips. It took a while, but damn once he realized how much I liked licky nips, that toes s*** was outta sight! And this s*** don’t stop there! It works for ANYTHING! Let’s say it is sooooooooo annoying that after he shaves there is hair all of your country cozy bathroom, and he doesn’t bother to clean it. What you do, is get on your knees girl, and then after say how much you like it when he is cleaning...in a loin cloth. He will do anything just to get that spontaneous bj again and to try some sexy role play...especially if he playing (that is the key word girl...playing) the dominant aggressor. You don’t like that he picks his nose when he thinks you’re not looking and sticks it behind the couch? Give him a happy ending massage and a little box of tissues with a note saying ‘for all types of goo’. Wanna rip your damn hair out at the constant car shows on your TV, just do him on the hood of his car and say, he let’s try another show, s*** he won’t be able to contain himself every time he looks at a car after that! He farts like a moose who just ate chili, shower him with a rub down of manly body oil, and tell him how hot it is when he smells fine. If it’ll get him some of you, brotha will definitely check himself right up! Totally, you got this. You is cool. You just do you, but remember yo’ man is not the strong man he pretends to be. None of them is. So, until a real man comes along (and I know I’ve beens waiting for that man, only Lord knows how long) you better play you man, in order to get your lil faves. I hope you got that girl. Love always, Ladiboi extrodinare Strudel Metropolitan

R AG G E DY M AN

>insecurious

IN HIS HEAD/ ON HIS HEAD (LOVEMAKING HE’LL NEVER FORGET) by Dr. Joyce Kissinger

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We all fear the day that sex becomes routine, boring, and, worst of all, forgettable. And let’s face it; men aren’t the best at remembering. So how does one tap into that precious memory center of the brain? “Our worst nightmares are the ones we remember the most,” says Blanche LeFleurs, Ph.D, co-author of Remember Me? How to Stay Inside His Head, Forever. "He can picture every moment from the day his sister was mauled by a stray husky, but somehow he can’t remember what you had for dinner on your second date.” The clarity of certain events LeFleurs refers to is a symptom of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), which mostly afflicts veterans of war and anyone who has been through a traumatic experience. While you don’t want him running for cover every 4th of July, you can use the same psychological tricks to create a night of passion and pleasure he’ll never forget…no matter how hard he tries. Aroma Therapy Everyone knows that a unique scent can trigger the deepest, darkest memories in a man’s brain, from the smell of his mother’s meatloaf to a whiff of his scoutmaster’s firewood. You may be thinking, “He’ll never forget my perfume,” but with today’s mass production and marketing, your eau de toilette is about as unique as paper de toilette. Strippers can buy perfume, too. Instead, the next time you’re about to get down and dirty, splash on something a little more industrial. Gasoline holds its strong, unique aroma, even in small quantities, just be sure to keep it away from sensitive areas and open orifices. When he gasses up the next day, he’ll remember how you revved his engine. Fulfill His Fantasy The threesome: every man dreams of it, but most women aren’t so keen on the idea of sharing their man. What if he falls for the other woman? What if she can

please him better than you can? Then again, a man who has had the privilege of enjoying two women will cherish that memory forever. You can kill two birds with one stone by fulfilling his fantasy while making sure he’ll never want to do it again. It’s all about picking the perfect partner: anyone who needs to wear a wig (preferably a loose one that will come off when he grabs at her hair right before a confusing climax), someone with a bad case of Irritable Bowel Syndrome (you might want to buy some cheap bed sheets for the night), or a friend with Tourette syndrome (careful, it doesn’t work if your man is into dirty talk). The Multiplier Effect Fears come in pairs: heights and open spaces, driving and needles, hot dogs and water. Personally, I’ll never forgive my mother for the year we had both a clown and pony at my birthday (I have a rare fear that every clown and pony I see will die in front of me, but I’ve since learned it’s not true every time, just sometimes). Combine his fears in your intimate settings. He’ll never admit he’s scared in the middle of lovemaking, but he’ll always mark the day you helped him face his fear head on. For example, if he’s afraid of the dark and tight spaces, pull him into a closet. If he’s afraid of spiders and surprises, fill the condom wrapper with spider eggs. And if he’s scared of drowning and sharks, dress like Aquaman, throw a glass of water in his face, and pretend to call your animal friends. While these methods are sure to work, there is still the possibility they will backfire and he will repress his memories, hiding them away into his subconscious. But even then he could someday wake up in a cold sweat, wondering what his wet dreams of gasoline and diarrhea meant, and you’ll be lying there, ready to comfort his poor, tortured mind with another memorable night of sweet, sweet love. INSECURIOUS

ERROR 40

How the internet destroyed the nobility of the brea

INSECURITY R AG A Z IN E

akup process.

Remember back in the old days, when breakups were clean and dignified? You may have spent hours, or even days sitting by the phone waiting for it to ring, because there was no caller ID and no answering machines, let alone cell phones. You may have heard about a possible infidelity through second or third-hand gossip. Your sweetie may have become harder to reach at work. At the end of this process, he would drift off into the mists of time never to be heard from again. Many years later, you may hear some tidbit about him through a mutual acquaintance, but never enough information to draw a complete picture of who he is now, or why he left you way back when. And then came the internet. Thanks for nothing, Al Gore. Kids today can trumpet their every move on their electronic handheld devices. You can’t go to my parents’ house for dinner because you have a cold? Then why does foursquare say that YOU’RE AT THE CATCUS BAR!!!! You know that he’s not calling you, and you don’t have the luxury of pretending that he even tried, because you can flip through your caller ID on your cell and your landline and find out in seconds that he hasn’t. Out with the guys playing poker? Too bad that his best buddy is your facebook friend and he updates his status every half hour about how boring his night shift job is. His updates are actually unnecessary because the chick your man is banging is also your Facebook friend. And then, when it is finally, officially over, he can’t even ride off into the sunset like an old cowboy movie. He can be googled, and tweeted, and checked out and accessed in more ways than even Bill Gates ever thought was a

good idea. You can find photos of him online as he gains weight, and loses his hair, and gets married and divorced and married again, and you can view boring corporate photos that his boring corporate job makes him take every year. For those of us who grew up on old, romantic, black and white movies about love found, and lost and regained, this is inconceivable. Do you really want your ex to find out through a Google search that you won the brownie-making contest at your daughter’s school, or that you finished your local 5K race at number 475 out of 489? Or that, like he predicted when you were 23, you inherited your mother’s thighs?!!! We cannot undo progress, and the internet is here to stay. My advice in circumventing this degradation of the human soul is: change your name. Not to your married or your maiden name, not a family name, but something completely made up. Nobody will be able to find out where you live, what you’re doing, or Google anything about you because you don’t exist. Of course, your neighbors and children’s friends will think it odd, and you will never get any of your mail again, but what a small price to pay for the chance to revive the mystery of the pre-internet era. If all goes well, one day, you will get the opportunity to meet up with your former love again, perhaps at a college reunion. You can waltz into the room wearing thigh-busting spandex, and pretend that you have no idea who he is before you waltz right back out again. Trust me girls, an entire lifetime of shunning technology and concealing your identity will be all worth it for that one, fleeting moment where he realizes that he never should have let you go. INSECURIOUS

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>hanging by a thread

WHAT YOUR SOCK SAYING ABOUT YO

AND WHAT PEOPLE ARE SAYING ABOUT YOUR S by Jane Applebaum

THEY'RE THE FIRST THINGS YOU PUT ON TO START YOUR DAY, AND THE LAST THINGS YOU TAKE OFF AT NIGHT. YOU MAY NOT CONSCIOUSLY PUT A LOT OF THOUGHT INTO THEM, BUT BY YOUR CHOICES, HERE'S WHAT YOU MAY BE CAUSING PEOPLE TO THINK ABOUT YOU. AND THOSE PEOPLE MAY BE RIGHT. IF YOU WANT TO UNDERSTAND SOMEONE, FIRST WALK A HUNDRED MILES IN THEIR SOCKS, BUT UNTIL THEN THIS SURVEY WILL HAVE TO DO.

POLKADOTS, CIRCLES OR RHOMBUS PATTERNS • You have a keenly scientific mind, and may at one time have considered medical school. Your gym membership is lightly used, but you have little need for it being a vegetarian. You rarely lose things, but have difficulty sleeping.

SOLID COLORS • You are playful and witty, you're on time, a team player, and know how to

get things done. You like cats and children but have a limited kitchen and bedroom repertoire. You know what works and you stick to it, but you're not afraid to crack a smile or a joke.

ARGYLE • You are playful, fun, flirtatious and a little bit naughty. You enjoy learning

new things, and attempting new situations, but your hyper-developed conscious keep you from straying too far. You like older men, and they like you. Ever youthful you have a sensual nature lurking under your gift for organizing spaces.

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KS ARE OU

SOCKS

WHITE SOCKS • No one wears white socks,

unless you are a nurse, in which case you don't have time for this sort of thing. Your nononsense approach will take you far, but not all the way. or a joke.

LITTLE PIGS • You are a

voracious reader, and people can sense your whimsical nature from afar. You enjoy a good laugh more than the next person and aren't afraid to poke fun at yourself, and sometimes other people. You are likely an individualist, and march to the sound of a different drummer.

LITTLE DRUMMERS • You are a pig.

MISMATCHED

• You are a stringent

non-conformist, and your unique world view is treasured by your friends. Your keen determination, and boundless willpower are an asset to any lunch table, but your resistance to authority could be hampering you in the workplace, unless you work in a laundromat (or it's possible you make your boyfriend do all the laundry and you no longer have any socks that match).

HEARTS • You're afraid of life, and cling

to the safety of others. You long to get in touch with your sensual nature, but your fear of intimacy prevents you. If you have not resolved all issues with a male relative figure, you may be at odds with yourself. H AN G I N G B Y A TH R E AD

PLAID • You're shy, but love the attention when it comes your way. On important

subjects you're not afraid to speak your mind, even if yours is the minority opinion. A hard day's work is nothing to you, and you have an aptitude for manual labor, and are good with sums.

BAREFOOT • You are in a kitchen and pregnant. If Dinah is there with you she is not to be

trusted, and you are being watched. You may suffer from mild to moderate paranoia, and aren't sure what to do about it. It's best to seek professional guidance, but keep a firm handle on professional boundaries. Having an affair with your medical professional is not recommended and could set you back further.

BRIGHTLY PATTERNED TIGHTS • You're not a schoolgirl anymore, you're just a minx. Morrissey is old enough to be your grandfather and he's not your type anyway. Leave him to me. I saw him first you cow.

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MALE ORDERED MEN AS FASHION ACCESSORIES. by Maude Kuperberg

YOU HAVE SENSIBLE [BUT STYLISH] shoes for the office, a cute selection of sandals and pumps for lunch with the girls, and several pairs of killer heels for nights out in your favorite mini skirt. You change your jewelry, hand bags, scarves and even sunglasses as often as you change your mood, (which can be several times a day depending on the emotional weather). You pick a different rental car depending on your travel destination. Hair color, lip color, even eye color are all to be considered when you plan the details of your outfit for your upcoming social engagements. Why then, do you always hang on the arm of the same man? Come on ladies, its time we all admit that making a man change is far more work than its worth. So, instead of trying to make your man change,... change your man. Get a new one. Get a few. You wouldn't wear an evening gown to a beach party any more than you would don pedal pushers for cocktails at the Algonquin or a pant suit, (well I hope you simply wouldn't wear a pant suit). Why should you drag the dumb jock/bartender you been shagging to the Met? Why insist on taking the stiff blue-blooded cardiologist your parents are pushing on you out bowling with your old college mates? Unless it is time to start seriously looking for

Mr. Right (and I'm here to tell you it isn't), then its time to get serious about choosing the right Mr. "Right-Now". This is not about settling. You wouldn't settle for knock-offs from pay-less, so don't settle on this one either. Remember it's the man that makes the clothes, or in this case the accessory! Just as the wrong necklace can completely ruin an outfit or make the wrong kind of fashion statement, so can the wrong man. In fact, the wrong man can do far more damage than any bauble or bead; jewelry doesn't speak. First you have to take stock of the materials you have to work with and then start thinking about what holes you have in your line up. Lets start with the basics. Every "mancloset " should contain four basic types as a foundation; the Suit, the Jock, the Musician/ Artist and the Friend. The Suit is fairly well known. He's the one that can always be counted on to show up clean and presentable and able to pay. He should have at least a college degree (post graduate degrees are a definite plus), and he should be able to hold his own in conversations about fine art, classical music, politics and current events. He knows how to order wine and can manage to behave in a fine dining environment. Some of these career-driven overachievers can actually make for more than adequate lovers as well. Many Suits can also double as the Jock

H AN G I N G B Y A TH R E AD

the sport and the setting. Suits can never be the Musician/Artist. The Suit pairs well with an evening gown or a summer sun dress. He compliments linens, silk crepes or ... The Jock is equally easy to picture; strong, nimble, filled with energy and enthusiasm. He is the one you want for a night of bowling or ultimate frisbee. He's great fun at the corner pub where he knows half the place. He lives in jeans and T-shirts, the occasional hoody but hopefully never spandex. His job, like his opinions, considers anything beyond sports as inconsequential. While one might think an athletic body might make for a guaranteed good time in bed, you can't always count on it. Steroids, or an overly developed sense of competition can make for disappointing sexual performance. Match the Jock with your favorite pair of boyfriend jeans and a sweater in cooler weather or denim shorts and a casual tank for summer wear. Sneakers or sandals are equally appropriate for a Jock outing. For walks on the beach, picnics in the park (that don't involve volleyball or a frisbee) you can turn to the Musician/Artist. Be careful here though, there is the danger of finding yourself caught in a relationship with an overly needy or self-involved man who only wants you for emotional or financial support. Avoid drummers or bass players, or any member of a band that plays primarily in someone's garage. Also steer clear of performance artists, no one takes them seriously. And of course, by artist I don't mean actor. The Artist/Musician should be a classically trained artist with a certain degree of credibility. This is the man you will go the theater with or a gallery opening, concerts in the park or anywhere a man dressed in black will be appropriate. The Artist goes well with anything black; a little black dress or jeans and a turtle-neck.

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At the right event you can even use him as contrast against a cocktail dress if his look is suitably edgy. Lastly we have the Friend. The Friend is more about having someone you can bring safely to family events or as a last minute fillin on Friday nights. He should be generally presentable, but no strong style is required. They are typically the jeans and an oxford type, the occasional sweater or t-shirt if weather appropriate. Its a good idea to make sure he has at least one nice jacket and a suit for weddings and funerals. You wouldn't sleep with him, so his performance isn't important.

"YOU WOULDN'T WEAR AN EVENING GOWN TO A BEACH PARTY ANY MORE THAN YOU WOULD DON PEDAL PUSHERS FOR COCKTAILS AT THE ALGONQUIN OR A PANT SUIT."

>ragamuffin

HURRICANE STACIE HOW DATING MY BOSS CHANGED THE WEATHER an Intern's Tale

NORMALLY WE DON'T FEATURE CAUTIONARY TALES INVOLVING THE ELEMENTS, BUT WE FELT THAT THIS STORY ABOUT STACIE'S EXPERIENCE SPEAKS TO WOMEN EVERYWHERE ABOUT THE DANGERS OF MIXING LOVE AND ATMOSPHERIC CONDITIONS. Ever since I was a little girl, I knew when it was going to rain. I can't tell you how many times I would show up to school with an umbrella while my classmates peered quizzically into a sunny sky. Some people called it a gift, but for me it was a curse, a curse that followed me into my adult love life. In college it was kind of fun, getting "caught in the rain" wearing only a white t-shirt, my nubile breast needing the cover of my new boyfriend's jacket, both of us cuddling beneath a sycamore tree, getting to know each other. As I changed lovers, I would try to accommodate the male fantasy of "making love in the rain", but in the end, what I discovered is that the rain did very little for sex, and a whole lot for aggravating preexisting asthmatic reactions. Two trips to the emergency room and I decided that Mack and I probably wouldn't work out. For a long time, I tried to ignore my predilection for downpours and my attraction to tall waify boys with pouty eyes, but in the end, the two siren songs were too loud for 54

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me to ignore, and I did what any sensible young girl would do, I went for a degree in meteorology with a minor in atmosphere science. To be blunt, it was a struggle, I'm no scientist. My gifts were God given, and to be honest, I had become somewhat prideful in my abilities. I began to fail classes and decided to take a semester off.

I think that it was this scientific kick in the gut that steered me towards the summer internship at KCTV in Kansas City, Missouri. Being an East Coast gal, I was completely out of my element, and began working for the on air weather personality (who we will call Skip). It was there that I began my tenure learning how to correctly order around his lactose intolerant diet and strange attraction to spicy fast food. The summer started out okay, I did what I was told, took notes on what colors to wear in front of the television monitor, and seriously examined how my hair would have to change if I wanted to pursue this line of work. As the weather gods would have it, Skip's full time assistant abruptly left the network during my third week, citing the need for bed rest in an unwanted pregnancy. Personally I think she just wanted to enjoy the summer, but

"LATE HOURS TURNED INTO DRINKS AT THE BAR, HOT SUMMER NIGHTS, AND EVENTUALLY LONG MORNING STROLLS IN THE PARK, LONG BEFORE WE BOTH HAD TO GO TO WORK. WHAT I DIDN'T KNOW WAS THAT SKIP AND I WERE LIVING IN THE QUIET BEFORE THE STORM." who was I to argue when they offered me her position. Kansas City was particularly dry for the next four weeks, and my ascension into weather personalities' assistant was somewhat exciting. Everyone enjoyed my passion for the weather, and my innate ability to find the sunny side of things, as it were. Much to my surprise, I even began to fall for Skip. I mean he looked the part, wasn't intimidated by the "Sports Guy", and he organized the Cure for Cancer run every year on the second Saturday of October. Late hours turned into drinks at the bar, hot summer nights, and eventually long morning strolls in the park, long before we both had to go to work. What I didn't know was that Skip and I were living in the quiet before the storm. The big problem was that Skip was an awful weather person and didn't really know it. The first indication was when we left in the morning for the park. I would grab my umbrella, and he would chastise me for not following his "hundred percent chance of sunshine" prediction from the night before. Invariably we would get drenched, Skip would have a horrified look on his face, and I would spend the rest of the day trying to cheer him up.

For awhile I was able to ignore his vacuous predictions, but after he ruined the plans of 14 young brides who had decided to proceed with outdoor weddings based on his forecast, it became too much. Eventually I found myself resenting him, and knew I had to break it off. The problem was that he was my boss, and I still loved him. In that position, I did what any woman would do, I made him a better weatherman. It started with his forecasts. As his assistant, I had full control over his copy, and as his lover, I had full control over his attention. Poor Skip would be running out of breath in front of the teleprompter, his weatherman grin not realizing that for the first time in his life, he was predicting the weather correctly. Within a week, people started to notice the change, and in fact the station began a "Weatherperson's Watch," tracking the number of consecutive days that Skip predicted the weather correctly. Slowly the pressure began to build and it began to eat away at him as he realized that I had control over his new-found fame. Soon he was spending less time with me, and I found myself hoping that this tension would force him to end our relationship. Unfortunately it had just the opposite effect, and soon he came to me in tears, proclaiming his love and willingness to do whatever I wanted him to, even if it meant giving out the gardening "tips" that

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he detested. If I was starting to lose interest before, this latest bout of weakness forced me to detest him with new founded vigor. With no options left on the table, I resigned myself to weather out the relationship and became the "weatherperson's personfriend". I kept telling myself that weatherpersons get transferred all the time. If Skip kept up his streak, surely someone from network would notice and he would be whisked away from me quicker than a kite in a Noreaster.

Little did I suspect that he would actually be whisked away, but not by network. As part of Skip's 45 days of correct weather, the station rented a hot air balloon for him to fly over the city, decorating it in "Wizard of Oz" regalia and hiring some little people to see the Weather Wizard off to the Kansas border. Little did anyone suspect that an actual tornado would hit that day, and Skip's little balloon would be thrown to its destruction. Now before any of you get judgmental and say that I had anything to do with it, I would just like to remind you all that I can only predict when it's going to rain. And even if I could predict tornadoes, do you know what it was like having sex with a man who used percentages in every love making phrase he uttered? Besides, the balloon was his idea, and as he predicted, it was a beautiful day.

ALL THAT OR NONE OF THAT ARE YOU ALL THAT? READ THIS

CHART AND FIND OUT WHETHER YOU’RE IN OR OUT! KYM TYLER-DONNELLY

ALL THAT PEOPLE • Carney Folk OBJECTS • Laser Tweezers QUOTES • "What in the name of Justin Timberlike is going on here?" ACTIVITIES • Shooting up in the stairwell POLITICO • The Clit Rebellion FASHION • Essentials EVENTS • Laundry Day

NONE OF THAT •Magicians • Cell Phones

IN and S ’ T A H W 0UT WHAT’S Y HOLIDA 2010

• "What do you mean I'm not the mother?" • Smoking Outside • The Pleasure Revolution • Accessories • Steak 'n' a Blow Job Day

WASTE NOT WANT NOT

COZIES by Francie Mickens

BRRR, IT’S COLD OUT THERE! Time to unpack your Snuggies, curl up with your kitties, and get crafting! Usually this time of year means making Little Drummer Boy Holiday outfits for Mr. Boots and Emperor Meow, but my mind is elsewhere. The crisp night air bites a little harder when you’re sleeping alone, and seeing General Pusswhip dressed as Jack Frost doesn’t give me the same satisfaction as a warm, hairy Howard in my bed. So to get myself some “self-satisfaction,” I pulled opened my “pleasure drawer” for the first time in months. I was appalled at my own lack of organization and modesty! Mr. Big flopped around like a dying fish, my Glass Cucumber felt cold as ice, and the batteries for the TripleStim-Bunny-Bumper were nowhere to be found! I just could not relax knowing a good crafting opportunity was laid in front me! So I rolled up my Snuggie sleeves, grabbed some old socks, and got to work!

THE CUDDLYCAMO COZY Any lady knows it’s imprudent to leave her devices lying around the bedroom. It also leaves them open to dangers like dirt and cat hair (you don’t want to be picking those out later). It’s easy to find a design that will blend in with your decor. For this cozy I used a long sock from my old Rainbow Brite costume (Howard had a thing for 80's cartoons). Using my trusty hot glue gun, I attached a couple of googly eyes a few inches down from the toes then stitched a little nose and smile. Using pieces from the other sock I made some arms and legs, stuffing them with cotton. Now I have a new cuddly friend, a warm place for my glassware, and no one will be the wiser! 58

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THE STAR OF THE SHOW-ZY We can’t always be bashful. Sometimes we just want to jump up and sing about it, like a Broadway musical about your lady parts! How do you like them eggrolls, Mr. Goldstone? I went into storage and brought out my sequin leggings from my acting days, cutting them down a good 15” to fit Mr. Big. While it looked fabulous on it’s own, it still needed a few embellishments. Using some leftover glitter from General Pusswhip’s costume and a silk rose, the cozy went from Boise Community Theater to 42nd Street and Broadway!

THE COSSACK COZY It’s important to know your heritage, so I wanted a cozy to reflect the pride of my ancestral Cossacks from the Mother Land! My Grandfather, God bless his eternal soul, kept the family history and regaled us in stories of our past. Apparently my ancestors were not only the first to discover America, but also the first to contract yphilis. I think there was also a war with the Spanish, or was it that the Latino nurse always stole his spare change…point is, I put my dildo in one of my dead grandpa’s socks.

THE TRAVEL COZY Spending time on the road can be lonely, especially when you’re passed around from craft conventions to quilting shows like a lady of the night. When the hotel life gets boring you’ll need that little friend in a pinch. Take a nice, dark gym sock and add some convenient straps! I took mine off an old gym bag! I even used one of the zippers to make it seal easily. I also threw all my workout clothes, my wallet, and my face wash I use after aerobics. In fact, I had to replace the sock with my old gym bag just to fit everything. Best part, it doesn’t even look like a cozy anymore, so it’s super discreet!

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WHITE TRASH BREAKUP LINES... IF IT’S DECEMBER, IT’S THE END OF THE YEAR LAUNDRY MONTH. TO CELEBRATE WE OFFER WHITE TRASH BREAKUP LINES INVOLVING SOCKS…. What are my daddy's socks doing in the laundry?

I need you like I need another hole in my sock.

Look, beer cozy. Oh, and I hate you.

Knee-high refers to my socks and not to where your gut hangs down. You can't live on K F C and I ain't livin' on you no more. I gots me a new pair of socks, reckon' I can do better than the likes of you. Socks and stones may break my bones, but my heart will never forgive you.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU… WE HOPE THAT THIS ISSUE HELPED TO SOLVE THESE: SCHEDULE YOUR DRINKING FOR MAXIMUM HOLIDAY BLISS. USE BEES KNEES TO ATTRACT YOUR NEXT HONEY. FREE AIN'T ALWAYS EASY. BETTY CROCKER, DONNA REED LENNY BRUCE, RICHARD PRYOR, AND BRIGITTE BARDOT. NET NEUTRALITY DOES NOT MEAN LESS LEG. WHEN VISITING FANTASY ISLAND, DON'T FORGET TO BRING ALONG A LITTLE TATTOO WEATHER THE WHETHER.

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