WHERE DID EVERYBODY GO? feeling lost, scared, both alone and lonely
There is a light inside, but it burns. It does not glow.
I do not glow. Not anymore.
I do not know why I am here.
I do not know where I am going.
I wish I knew how to come back from this but every time I swing around and end up on the other side and it hurts even more. I don’t know if I want to get b e t t e r. S o m e t i m e s , I t h i n k , w h y wouldn’t I want to get better? Anything is better than this. Anything. But I am wrong; I don’t want to change. Change is inevitable, but it’s also tough and strange and if the only way to get past this is to listen to myself and pay attention to myself, I don’t even know how to begin. I’m not even sure I want to begin; beginning is hard. Yesterday night my mother asked me if I wanted to learn to meditate, that it would help me get better. I don’t want to dedicate half an hour to getting better each day. Apparently I’d rather Google my own future failures. That hurts, but I wonder if changing hurts more. Maybe my soul’s journey involves hurting a little longer, a little more. If I could make it easier for myself, would I? If I could make this less painful, would I? Would I? Would I? I don’t know.
I THOUGHT YOU SAID I WOULD BE GOOD AT THIS.
I CAN’T TRUST YOU. I CAN’T TRUST ANYONE.
I am here for myself, but I don’t think that’s enough. I don’t know if it was ever enough.
a storm is coming and I can’t run any longer.
i don’t know that i’ll survive.
All I have is my humanity. I am so soft.
There is no right way to heal (that’s good, because I don’t know how)
i am in the waiting room my skin is shedding - i belong to the earth i will go back there someday