GRAND Vol. VI, Ed. II
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Connecting Long-Distance Getting Ready for Visiting Grandkids
Our Gang & the Good Ol’ Days grandmag.ca
Vol. VI, Ed. II
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Technology
Connecting Long-Distance G randparents and grandchildren often share a very important emotional bond and both groups can benefit from a strong relationship. When grandparents and grandchildren live far apart, it can be difficult for them to stay connected. Fortunately, technology can help fill the gap and bridge the distance divide. One way to do this is through video calling systems like FaceTime, Zoom or other video conferencing platforms. We have studied this topic extensively in my research group at Simon Fraser University with an emphasis on young grandchildren between the ages of 4 and 10. Here are some things that we have learned.
First, video chat is typically loved by both grandparents and young grandchildren because each gets to see the other. This should come as no surprise. Yet even with video going, it can be challenging to keep a child’s attention over a video call. Unlike a conversation between two adults, young grandchildren are unlikely to be able to maintain a conversation beyond 10 to 15 minutes until they get to the pre-teen years. Research has shown this is better than phone calls, however, where typically the attention span of children is far less than video calls. 2
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Because of a child’s short attention, it is important for grandparents to be able to focus video calls around a child’s interests. The grandparents who were able to do this in our studies tended to have longer and more enjoyable conversations. For example, some grandparents figured out the names of a child’s friends and could then directly ask about them. Some learned about their grandchildren’s extra-curricular activities ahead of time so that they could ask how things were going. Young grandchildren also enjoy showing off their toys or things that they create at school. Some grandparents would ask parents ahead of time about these objects so they would know which to ask their grandchildren about when talking with them. Young children are also interested in learning about things from their grandparents that are different from their own location. This might be related to different time zones, the weather, or culture and heritage. Some grandparents were in our studies even more creative—for example, one grandmother learned that her grandson was interested in armies and camouflage and so she made him a camouflage blanket and mailed it to him. When they talked over a video call, they would spend large amounts of time talking about the blanket and making up stories about it together. Having read the above, you might be thinking, this sounds pretty easy. Well, truth be told, it isn’t, as many grandparents can likely attest to. There are many social challenges that make grandparent and grandchild communication over distance still difficult. Video calls between young grandparents and grandchildren can require a lot of parent scaffolding—that is, help from parents to keep the call going. Parents often have to be the ones that perform the “camera work” where they hold a tablet or cell phone and move it to make sure the children are in view. Some children can do this on their own, but it can easily be disorienting for grandparents who are watching. The camera might end up facing the floor, the ceiling or be an overly close up view of a child’s face. What we have seen to be immensely valuable are tablet or mobile phone stands that can be easily set on a table or even the floor, where the device can be easily angled towards a child’s general area and left stationary. This reduces the need for parents to continually perform camera work. Some grandparents feel apprehensive or self-conscious about video calling their grandchildren. This is because they may not know a lot about their grandchildren and are afraid of saying the “wrong” thing or annoying their grandchildren. They may not know who their friends are at school in order to ask about them; they may not about their favourite activities; or, they may not feel that a child wants to learn about the grandparents’ cultural heritage. These are all very grandmag.ca
real issues and sometimes it’s the case that grandparents can have a tough time learning about their grandchildren in a deep enough way to sustain conversations or feel like they are able to really connect over video calls. Many grandparents talk with a child’s parents to learn about these things so they know what they could talk about. Some parents might be too busy though, or the relationship between a grandparent and their adult child may not be strong and so asking questions that might help them connect with their grandchildren is less possible. There is no easy solution to such problems. Start small. For example, a grandparent could ask a young child to show them their favourite toy, explain why they like it so much and show them what it might do. Or, a grandparent could think about what is unique to their own location when compared to a child’s. Is the weather noticeably different outside? Could the grandparent show a very hot day, a lot of rain or some snow over the video call? Does the grandparent have different pets that the grandchild may not have, or vice versa? Could they easily be shown over FaceTime? These types of acts could be a
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starting to point to longer term engagements with a child, leading to longer conversations and more things to talk about and show. Video calling through technologies like FaceTime or Zoom can be a valuable way for grandparents and young grandchildren to connect over distance. It isn’t always easy and grandparents can try to focus conversations around key topics of interest to children. There should also be thought over how to reduce the need for lots of camera work—tablet or mobile phone stands can work very well and placing the camera in a stationary location is a great first step.
Dr. Carman Neustaedter is a Professor and Dean of the Faculty of Communication, Art and Technology at Simon Fraser University. He is an international expert in telepresence and technology design for families.
Vol. VI, Ed. II
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Grandparenting
Our Gang & the Good Ol’ Days
W
hen I think back to my childhood in the 1960s, I can’t help but reminisce about our neighborhood gang. This gaggle of children was fluid— it included anyone from our surrounding blocks who could come out to play on any given day. Sometimes it swelled in numbers on weekends and school holidays and other times it involved only a core group of us. And despite all the different personalities and ages it encompassed, it generally worked. Back then we were largely responsible for our own entertainment. When the weather was warm, we banded together to ride bikes, sail fleets of paper boats and play games—Red Rover was a classic! Even during the long, cold winters, we still spent a lot of time outdoors, sledding, skating or building snow forts and snowmen. Neighborhoods back in the 60s were different from those today. Families tended to stay put so kids grew up with the same group of friends, forming strong 4
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bonds as a result. It was like being part of a big extended family. Kids ran freely without much parental supervision even at a young age as they were always accompanied by older siblings. In my hometown, we had a four- or five-block radius where we roamed and played. We also had the added benefit of living directly across from a park that spanned an entire city block, so that alone provided ample space to play. Most mothers back then were stay-athome moms as it was entirely possible for a family to live comfortably on only one income. So children came home after school, they didn’t have to attend afterschool care. And structured activities/ lessons were rare; we simply created our own fun. The odd one of us may have taken music lessons or perhaps a few swimming lessons, but the majority of us learned things the hard way—through a combination of trial and error and stubborn determination, with an older sibling most likely egging you on.
Being part of this gang gave all of us free reign in each other’s yards and homes: we wandered in and out of whoever’s house was closest to go to the bathroom, we knew which mom baked the best cookies, and we knew which parent (or grandparent) would give us change to buy penny candy at the corner store. And what would a neighborhood gang be without the classic neighborhood bully? We certainly had ours. He was the older sibling of some our playmates and he was known far and wide in the neighborhood as trouble with a capital “T.” He actually seemed to relish his reputation, wearing it almost like a badge of honour. He teased relentlessly, interrupted or ruined our games and wreaked havoc on anything we constructed. And I’m afraid that in our collective fear, we made no attempt to include him in our play; in fact, we dutifully avoided him like the plague. With hindsight, I am sure we only exacerbated the problem. I have to wonder if his interactions, however grandmag.ca
Check out the upcoming Family Resource Guide negative, were merely his misguided attempts at inclusion. I distinctly remember one summer when the rumor mill identified this bully as the likely culprit who had pilfered an apple from our back yard apple tree. And this was no ordinary apple. It was one that had grown to gigantic proportions, and it was quite simply my father’s pride and joy. He forbade any of us to pick it. If there was a Guinness Book record for the largest apple, this one certainly would have rivalled it. It was the talk of the neighborhood. We would stand underneath that apple tree, and “oohhh” and “ahhh” just gazing upwards through the foliage. Until one day, later in the fall, that marvelous apply simply disappeared. A quick investigation proved it hadn’t grown too heavy as it wasn’t found at the base of the tree. Well, you can imagine my father’s ire. Alas, there was no proof, so the apple bandit was never caught, much to my father’s dismay, but he certainly blamed you know who. Bullies aside, it saddens me that many children today do not have the opportunity to experience being part of a neighborhood gang. Neighborhoods seem to be different nowadays, I imagine because of the mobility of families and the simple fact that many households have two working parents. Our neighborhood gang served a purpose—Friendship. Safety. Belonging. Loyalty. Within its familiar confines, we learned the give and take of relationships, how to negotiate with others, the art of compromise and the importance of sharing and being kind with one another. It was like a mini-microcosm that prepared us for the wider world. Looking back, it easily brings to mind some of my fondest childhood memories. Susan Gnucci is a local author and a proud “nonna” to two young grandsons. She enjoys sharing her experiences as a grandparent.
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Grandparenting
Getting Ready for Visiting Grandkids
T
here’s nothing like having your grandkids come over for a visit—especially when you have everything you need on hand. This list is best suited to grandchildren ages 2–5, but may be adapted to suit other ages.
1. A Car Seat
It is now recommended to have children in a car seat or booster seat until they are about nine years old, depending on their weight and height. Babies should stay rear-facing until one year, but it is safest for toddler and preschoolers to remain in a rear-facing car seat for as long as possible. (bcaa.com/community/child-car-seat-safety). Make sure you have an appropriate car seat and know how to install and use it.
2. A Yes-Zone
Grandparents’ houses are good places for children to learn how others live, and how to behave in a home that is not their own. It is a good idea to set boundaries about what kids can touch, where to put their shoes and which rooms they can go into. But don’t forget to designate a yes-zone: part of your home where nothing is off-limits. When the adults can relax, the kids have more fun and you can all work on developing a real and meaningful relationship!
3. Outdoor Time
One of the best ways to deal with kids who are getting a little grumpy is to take them outdoors. But do a little reconnoitering beforehand. Find the best parks, beaches and playgrounds near you. If
Eva Bild is a childbirth, parenting and lactation educator and doula trainer. She has been working with new families since 1992. Eva is founder of the Mothering Touch Centre. She is the mother of three wonderful adults, but most excitingly, she is now a grandmother! evabild.ca 6
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you are living in the home where you brought up your kids, you may know some of those destinations. But some may have changed in the last 30 years! And if you are living in a new place, you will need to start from scratch. Chat with some new parents in your neighbourhood to get their recommendations.
4. Bath Time
The other best way to cheer up a grumpy child is to put them in water. If you can’t get to a pool, a bath with new bath toys, or just some plastic containers and scoops can be really fun! Add colour with a couple drops of food colouring. Or check out bath crayons.
5. Snacks
Check with your grandchildren’s parents about what foods they might not be allowed or are allergic to. And then, within those boundaries, stock up on snacks. Plan for some pre-meal fresh fruit and veggies then when dinner is served, the kids will have already eaten their vegetables!
6. Cooking and Baking
Plan a simple baking project. Buy a little apron, perhaps a small rolling pin, some fun cookie cutters. Be aware that for preschoolers, cooking is a rich sensory process. They need to feel, grab, taste, smell and smear everything! It’s not going to be tidy, so relax and explore with your grandchild. Smell the cinnamon, taste the sugar and the salt and the baking powder (yuck!). Focus on the process, and don’t worry too much about the product. Enjoy!
7. Toys
You may be tempted to get a whole bunch of toys to amuse your grandchildren while they are visiting. Be careful! A few toys go a long way. And they make less mess. Building toys (blocks, Lego, Duplo) are very versatile and fun for all ages. Puzzles are great, but make sure they are age-appropriate and not
too frustrating. Think about toys that encourage interaction and playing together. Having a big toy bin will make clean-up easy.
8. Gardening
If you like gardening, and have a garden, think about how you can share that pleasure with your grandkids. Can you give them a little spot they can dig in? A few seeds to “plant?” A little apron, some tiny gardening gloves, a small trowel and bucket. Make sure the tools are “real.” Plastic tools are often disappointing. My children’s grandmother taught them a lot about the names of flowers and plants, and weeds too. That’s a way of sharing a love of plants even if you don’t have a garden.
9. Outings
Grandparents are important in teaching children about their culture and heritage. Taking your grandchildren to museums, community festivals and events, concerts and movies is a great way to do that. Don’t expect too much of the kids’ attention span though. Be prepared with a lot of snacks and a really good attitude yourself! And be prepared to bail and go home if it just doesn’t seem like the right day for this outing. Try again next year!
10. Downtime
When your grandchildren come to visit, things can get intense. There may be too many people, too many family events, too many outings. Make sure there is a quiet time every day, when you and your grandchild can cuddle and read books or watch a movie. With any luck, that will turn into a nap! What a delight! If there have been several high-energy, event-filled days in a row, declare a hang-out day. Stay home. Wear pyjamas. Eat cereal. Make playdough. (thebestideasforkids.com/playdough-recipe) Build a blanket fort. Those memories are golden! grandmag.ca
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Gone are the days of rocking chairs and recliners. Today’s grandparents are more likely to be rock climbing or going for a run than they are to be rocking or reclining. We’re an active and diverse group—an engaged, evolving and powerful force. We’re mentors, nurturers, keepers of secrets. We’re caregivers, child care providers, dessert-before-dinner defenders. We’re historians, spiritual guides and the holders of family stories.
GRAND Vol. VI, Ed. II
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GRAND celebrates who you are as a grandparent and who you are as an individual. You love spending time with your grandchildren and you’re happy in your other roles: at work, in the community and on your own. GRAND acknowledges that you are not “one or the other”—an “either/or” version of yourself—you are many different things to many different people. And to yourself. With an Island perspective that speaks to an international readership, GRAND is the source for on-the-go grandparents of up-to-the-minute and thought-provoking information and ideas—on everything from having fun, staying fit and things to do to travel, leisure, health and technology. Think of GRAND as a trusted friend who happily shares those “senior moments” (in the best sense of the words!) and keeps you informed and connected to the issues and ideas that really matter. After reading an issue of GRAND, you should feel inspired, up-to-date and informed.
Connecting Long-Distance Getting Ready for Visiting Grandkids
We’re here for you: from helping you figure out where you fit in to tackling your most perplexing questions, sharing your greatest discoveries and celebrating your deepest joys.
Our Gang & the Good Ol’ Days
GRAND features articles on topics ranging from the importance of storytelling, cooking with your grandkids and community superheroes, to photographing your grandkids, gift-giving and grandparenting from afar. There are ideas and inspiration to help keep you in-the-know and connected, there’s a guide to investing in your grandchildren’s future and there’s tech support that will help you face your fears and embrace the cloud.
Jim Schneider Publisher publisher@islandparent.ca Sue Fast Editor editor@islandparent.ca Kristine Wickheim Account Manager kristine@islandparent.ca RaeLeigh Buchanan Account Manager raeleigh@islandparent.ca GRAND, published by Island Parent Group Enterprises Ltd., is a digital publication that honours and supports grandparents by providing information on resources and businesses for families and a forum for the exchange of ideas and opinions. Views expressed are not necessarily those of the publisher. No material herein may be reproduced without the permission of the publisher. 518 Caselton Place, Victoria, BC V8Z 7Y5
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