Island Parent Tweens & Teens by Island Parent Group

Riï¬&#x20AC;s, Rants, Raves & Resources

2019 Summer at VAB

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Contents Welcome

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5 The 411

Betwixt & Between

Teaching Our Kids to 12 Push Back Against Sexualized Violence

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I’m Bored, This Sucks

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Teen Resources

What Could We Have Done?

Moving Out

Youth Mental Health & Substance Use

Old Tools, New Machine

Buddy Check for Jesse

Island Parent Tweens & Teens, published by Island Parent Group Enterprises Ltd., is an annual publication that honours and supports parents by providing information on resources and businesses for families, and a forum for the exchange of ideas and opinions. Views expressed are not necessarily those of the publisher. No material herein may be reproduced without the permission of the Editor. Island Parent Tweens & Teens is distributed free in selected areas.

Island Parent Tweens & Teens 830–A Pembroke St, Victoria, BC V8T 1H9 250-388-6905 islandparent.ca

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Island Parent Magazine

Publisher/Owner Jim Schneider

Editor Sue Fast

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Oﬃce Manager & Sales Linda Frear

ISsN 0838-5505 On the Cover Photo by Helene Cyr, helenecyr.com Tweens & Teens 2019

Welcome to Tweens & Teens

s parents of ’tweens and teens, we need to be ready for anything. “Expect power issues and conflict. Argue as needed. Also: be warm and loving.” That’s some of the advice offered by developmental psychologist and author Dona Matthews in Psychology Today’s Teen Attitude, Teen Trouble. “According to the research on optimal human development, you’re doing your parenting job well if you and teenager are arguing a lot…” Easy, right? There’s more. “…as long as there’s also love and warmth in your home.” Depending upon your ’tween or teen’s attitude from one minute to the next, the “love and warmth” part can be easier said than done. That’s when Matthews advises to take a deep breath and at least stay calm and cool. Do whatever you need to do to stay grounded: learn how to use breathing techniques,

To help you—and your ’tween or teen—find and live your strengths, this annual issue of Island Parent Teens is filled with valuable information, insights, and resources, along with words of wisdom/frustration/elation and support.

count to 10, practice mindfulness, take a walk in nature, give yourself a time-out, lock yourself in the car and scream. Oh, wait. That last one’s me. Remember to smile, she says, and attune your sense of humour and your empathy. “Obviously, don’t laugh at your child— ever—but rather at the absurdity of the situations you find yourselves in.” And go lightly on yourself, too, she adds, observing yourself with humour and empathy, even as you over-react to your teen’s over-reactions. That said, recognize when you’re faced with potentially serious issues—drugs, mental health concerns, violence—and, if need be, seek professional help. No matter what’s going on in your tween or teen’s life, adds Matthews, make sure they feel your positive gaze. “That can make the difference between them losing their way in harmful directions, and finding and living their strength.”

Sue Fast Editor’s Note You’ll find articles on topics that range from helping our ’tweens adjust to the new-andimproved version of themselves, teaching kids to push back against sexual violence, and the ups and downs of adolescence, to youth mental health and substance use, suicide prevention, the role of technology in our ’tweens and teens lives, and helpful tips for moving out. There’s also “The 411”—tips, facts, stats, and inspiration—along with Teen Resources listings. We hope that Island Parent Teens helps you in the job of guiding your teens into young adulthood. We welcome comments or feedback at editor@islandparent.ca.

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2019 5

411 The

Writes of Passage

…Teens’ Top 10, according to Young Adult Library Services Association (YALSA): • Turtles All the Way Down by John Green (Dutton/Penguin) • One of Us is Lying by Karen M. McManus (Delacorte/Random House) • Warcross by Marie Lu (G.P. Putnam’s Sons/Penguin) • Wonder Woman: Warbringer by Leigh Bardugo (Random House) • Caraval by Stephanie Garber (Flatiron) • Long Way Down by Jason Reynolds (Caitlyn Dlouhy Books) • I Am Not Your Perfect Mexican Daughter by Erika L. Sanchez (Knopf/Random House) • Paper Hearts by Ali Novak (Sourcebooks Fire) • Strange the Dreamer by Laini Taylor (Little Brown and Company) • Once and For All by Sarah Dessen (Viking/Penguin) • For more reading ideas, visit ala.org

UBC Study on Youth & Mental Illness

he transition from elementary school to high school can be stressful. Like other major life changes, it can put children at greater risk for depression, anxiety and other psychiatric illnesses. The Depression, Anxiety and Stress Lab in UBC’s department of psychology is conducting research to identify which kids are most at risk, and why. They invite families to participate if they have children who will be entering high school in September. Participants must be fluent in English and about to transition to a new high school (currently in Grade 7, entering Grade 8 in Fall 2019). For more information and to participate, visit blogs.ubc.ca/hstransitions.

done a lot of thinking “I’veabout fear. For me the

crucial question is not how to climb without fear— that’s impossible—but how to deal with it when it creeps into your nerve endings.

”

Free Soloist Alex Hannold

5 Ways Social Media Can be Good for Teens 1. It lets them do good—from crowdfunding social justice projects to anonymously tweeting positive thoughts. Twitter, Facebook and other social networks expose kids to important issues and people from all over the world. 2. It strengthens friendships. Studies show that social media helps teenagers make friends and keep them. 3. It can offer a sense of belonging. A study conducted by Griffith University and the University of Queensland in Australia found that teens reported feeling less isolated and more socially adept, partly because of an increase in technology use. 4. It provides genuine support. Online acceptance—whether a kid is interested in an unusual subject that isn’t considered cool or is grappling with sexual identity—can validate a marginalized child. Suicidal teens can even get immediate access to quality support online. 5. It helps them express themselves. Digital technology allows kids to share their work with a wider audience and even collaborate with far-flung partners (an essential 21st-century skill). If they’re really serious, social media can provide essential feedback for kids to hone their craft. From “5 Ways Social Media Can be Good for Teens,” written by Caroline Knorr for Washington Post.

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Tweens & Teens 2019

S T A G E S Performing Art School since1980

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2019 7

Betwixt

& Between A

s a sexual health educator, I am often asked by parents of ’tweens—8-12 year olds—if the seemingly sudden onset of emotional changes they’re experiencing with their children is typical? For many of these parents, the emotional changes (for example, the rapid mood swings from hysteria to irritability to indifference and back again at mach speed) are showing up much earlier than expected. When I reassure them that many of our ’tweens will begin the emotional changes before any of the physical changes of puberty are obvious, I see a mix of relief and trepidation on their faces. 'Tweens’ brains and bodies are in full preparation mode for the major life changes ahead. When it happens by surprise, it feels even more chaotic and confusing than it needs to be. Yet, amidst the chaotic change there lies an incredible opportunity to connect with and guide our youth through. Let us have conversations with our ’tweens about the full spectrum of wild and wonderful changes ahead—especially the emotional ones.

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Tweens & Teens 2019

Don’t get me wrong, this does not mean that we don’t need to also talk about the physical changes (cue conversations for all genders about managing menstruation, nocturnal emissions, body odour, pimples, growing pains, etc) but our ’tweens deserve equal time to manage the emotional changes ahead. These are the lessons and experiences that will help ground them as adults.

Jennifer Gibson In many of the puberty conversations I facilitate, students ask “Why do we have to grow up?” What they’re really asking is why does everything have to change? And so suddenly? In the beginning of their ’tweens stages they feel comfortable in/with themselves and there’s no need to change it all up. I try to remind them that it takes a lot of practice to become an adult physically, emotionally and socially and that gives us lots of time to adjust. One of my most eloquent Grade 5 participants articulated that the emotional changes of puberty “feel like complete madness to me and everyone else in our house!” Here are a few strategies to help us all through the emotional changes so it’s less chaotic and allows us to connect.

Validate *all the feels*

It’s not uncommon to pick up a happy, engaged and energetic ’tween from school who can’t stop talking. By the time you arrive home, they’re suddenly withdrawn, grumpy, and grunting in response to your questions. This is our cue to ask about how they’re feeling using our observations and validate the many feelings they have and give them space to move through them. As adults, we must not only give youth the opportunity to talk about their feelings but role model how to talk about them. Use your observations to check in with them; “I’ve noticed you seem more quiet than usual. Is there anything going on?” This gives them space to reflect and confirm or correct your observations. Encourage full conversations about highlights and lowlights of our days while we’re having dinner, walking the dog or driving to practice. Ask them to identify and name their feelings—this helps them to take responsibility for any actions based on those feelings.

IslandParent.ca

2019 9

e the BIG life days

Teach them to manag

s you it’s BIG and d of day when life remind kin the It’s ? day life What’s a BIG to be. There are many or, in their case, it used be to it nt e wa you as y not as eas issues, a surprise scienc life day for ’tweens: friend BIG a ate cre ces t cti tha s pra y ng thi a.m. hocke lings, crushes, the 5:30 quiz, their annoying sib !). adults (this may also apply to us t opportunity present us with the perfec nts me mo life BIG These l better: fee m the p ny things that hel ma the of m the ind rem to g or shooting , writing poetr y, drawin listening to music, gaming ms” and there these as “coping mechanis hoops. As adults we know their disposal at y iet that they have a var is no better time to ensure k builds tas ple sim is w to use them. Th ho en/ wh ow kn y the and self-reflection. resilience, autonomy, and

… Homework Pop quiz? leep, s f o s r u 2 ho tice? c a r p y e k 5am hoc

All eyes on them

Why was

n’t I invit e

That sucks.

This is an important time to observe your ’tweens in their relationships. Are they empathic, caring and flexib le? Are they able to communicate clea rly and assertively with confidence with out dominating? Are they over-relying on their friends’ opinions and experien ces to validate their own? Somewhere during the ’tweens stag e, the value of friends and classmate relationships begin to take up more time and emotional space in their lives. Peer connection, validation, and relationship development is key to developing identities and inde pendence. Create opportunities for your youth to have their friends over and observe them. Relationship patterns at this stage in their lives set the foundation for future relationships. Talk to them about what they value and like in their frien ds as well as anything they may find frustrating or difficult to understand. Encourage them to iden tify characteristics beyond the basic ones of being “nice, kind, chill…” Remember that they are also watching you in your relationships. The very best way to teac h our kids what a healthy relationship looks and feels like is to role model it. Whether you are married/partnered, divorced, dating or single; you’re showing them how to communicate, how to offer and receive affection, and how to move through conflict. It’s not about bein g perfect, it’s about being intentional and real in relationships.

Why do I feel like this?

al?

rm Is this no

Oﬀer aﬀection and role-model consent may be a noAs our ’tweens transition into more mature version of themselves, there Some parents ection. aff ticeable change in their desire or ability to openly give and receive and insudden a develop kids e ectionat aff tell me that around this time their previously become children their that me tell parents Other ection. tense aversion to any signs of aff them. off hanging ly physical literally be to seem and time this during e more affectionat practice to how of them Both of these situations are amazing opportunities to remind in the not so consent and negotiate closeness, both skills that they will most likely need distant future. BIG day, would a Role-modelling consent-based dialogue with prompts like “You’ve had a definitely don’t and down you hug help?” Don’t be offended if they set a boundary and turn y. autonom bodily their accept and try to persuade them. It is essential that we respect 10

Island Parent Magazine

Tweens & Teens 2019

ASPENGROVE SCHOOL Careers in business and leadership start here. CJ started a t-shirt design business as part of his Grade 10 personal project, a core part of the International Baccalaurete program. Other students wrote novels, did medical research, crafted an electric guitar and more. But CJ’s passion is business. From design to outsourcing production, he directs all aspects of the operation. The school project is long since complete, but he continues to develop and market his growing clothing company.

Resource Up!

Ensure every one has access to current and factual information intended for their stage of development. It is essential that your youth have access to information through you as well as independently from you. In the past few years, there have been a number of great ’tweens friendly resources developed. Review them ahead of time and use them to expand your conversations. Here’s a few favourites:

Nanaimo’s JrK-Grade 12 IB World School

Attention Non-Profit Organizations Would you like your informational brochures or magazines professionally distributed to 16 high traffic areas in Greater Victoria? Victoria Community Information Services (VCIS), an Island Parent Group subsidiary, services these locations on a weekly basis to ensure your brochures and magazines are highly visible for pickup by walk-by traffic.

Books

• It’s Perfectly Normal by Robie Harris • Will Puberty Last My Whole Life? by Julie Metzger and Robert Lehman • Sex Is a Funny Word by Cory Silverberg and Fiona Smyth (Canadian authors)

Web-based

• Amaze.org is a fantastic web resource that is ’tweens and ’tweens-parent friendly and provides current and factual information about anything puberty related in easy to understand ways. As the trusted adults in our ’tweens lives, we can’t over-emphasize that they are more than just okay and that they’re doing a great job of adjusting to the new and improved versions of themselves. This reassurance will support ’tweens, families and adult allies to move from simple surviving to thriving through the awesome chaos.

Jennifer Gibson, MA, is also known as “The Sex Lady”— oﬃcially now for 15 years in Greater Victoria!—to the thousands of amazing youth and adults she is lucky to educate and learn with through her job as the Coordinator of Community Education at Island Sexual Health. She’s passionate about making sexuality education as positive, fun and non-cringe-able as possible. IslandParent.ca

Our wall-mounted distribution boards are outside partnering grocery stores and inside many recreation centres. Space is available for either brochures (approx. 4" x 9") or magazines (approx. 8.5" x 11").

For distribution rates or additional information, please contact Jim Schneider: publisher@islandparent.ca, 250-388-6905

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Teaching Our Kids to

Push Back Against

Sexualized Violence L

ike many others, I was saddened by the news of multiple assaults at the all-boys private school St. Michael’s College in Toronto in December. However, as a psychologist, I must say that I am not surprised. Although these types of horrific events have happened for decades, I believe that those in my field are seeing an increase in the frequency of sexualized violence. I believe the easy access to pornography is—at least in part—largely to blame. When I started to practice as a psychologist in the 1990s, I recommended that parents keep their computers in the kitchen where everyone could see what their children were up to. However, with the onset of mobile devices and wifi everywhere, it is now easy for kids to access graphic and often violent pornographic images and videos online.

12 Island Parent Magazine

Tweens & Teens 2019

Even if some parents are vigilant and have is a kind of normalizing of sexual violence every sort of parental control in place, it is and a desensitization of unhealthy sexual impossible to ensure that all other parents boundaries. Researchers in this area are helping us to better understand what is happening to our kids. For example, research has shown that 44 per cent of ’tweens reported they have watched something online their parents would not approve of (and only 28 per cent of parents were aware that this happened). The average age of exposure to pornographic content online is 11 years old. do the same. The result is children telling One in five youth between the ages of 10 to and often showing other kids what they 17 has received a sexual solicitation or was discovered online. I hear about this literally approached online. every day that I see kids in my practice. There

Jillian Roberts

7-Point Parental Compass

Those of us who care passionately about our children are left with a big question: What do we do? How do we help our kids? I have spent the last five years trying to answer this question. My own research and clinical practice has revealed information which I have organized into the 7-Point Parental Compass.

Dr. Jillian Roberts is a child psychologist, UVic professor and mother. She is the CEO and Founder of FamilySparks and the author of “Kids, Sex and Screens: Raising Strong, Resilient Children in the Sexualized Digital Age.”

Parents need to teach smart boundaries, and doing this includes an understanding of how to both establish boundaries and respect the boundaries of someone else. Parents need to help kids to nurture relationships. What makes a good friend? Good relationships are founded on understanding, respect and empathy. Parents must shed any kind of embarrassment or stigma when talking about sexual matters and they need to demonstrate acceptance and inclusivity for children who are questioning their own sexuality or gender. (I have seen too many parents lose their connection with their child for refusing to do so.)

Here’s what we need to do to help: We need to start early. Every parent needs to talk about sex and sexual matters as early as possible. We need to show our children unconditional love. If they stumble on pornography or seek it out, we need to not shame them for doing so. We need to turn these awkward moments into times of learning and personal growth. Parents need to stay current and be aware of the online and offline influences on their children. This takes time and parents must make the time to stay current.

IslandParent.ca

Parents must understand how to build and foster resilience. It is very likely that most of today’s children will be affected by online, detrimental influences. We need to create a strong and resilient generation who can not only overcome these challenges, but also thrive in this digital age. It is an especially challenging time for parents. We need to help our children navigate their way around challenges that most of us did not live through ourselves. My hope is that the 7-Point Parental Compass will help guide parents, and other professionals who care for children, through these challenges and point them in the right direction.

2019

I’m Bored, T

wo days before my oldest son’s twelfth birthday, he woke up grouchy. This was unusual, for this child had always woken up with a smile, ready to conquer the world. He slumped on the couch and grumbled good morning. “What’s wrong?” I asked. “I’m bored,” he replied. “How can you be bored? You just woke up!” He then proceeded with a long list of complaints, spoken in a voice that beseeched his minimal tolerance for this day. “This house sucks. My room sucks. I don’t want to have a shower. Showering sucks.”

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This Sucks I stayed calm. “Maybe you should try to get some more sleep.” “Sleeping sucks!” he countered. “It is such a waste of my time!” I didn’t know whether to laugh at the absurdity of the situation or to be horrified at this sudden attitude change. Up until that point, people had always commented how bright, friendly and charming this boy was. Where did that kid go? Who is this new child, with his body draped over my couch, hating life? It was two days before his twelfth birthday. Yep, it’s like clockwork. Adolescence had arrived.

learn from his mistakes and to apologize, when necessary. I have taught him to look both ways before crossing the road. To include others. To reserve judgment. Now, I need to trust in those skills, in my good parenting, and in my son. I need to provide independence and autonomy. “Parent” may not even be the right word for my current role. For you, my son, I am a guide, here to support and offer direction, when needed. I am a safe haven, someone who will listen and tell you that everything will be alright. I am a boundary, when you need one. I am a sounding board. I am someone who will have your back and help you when you need. I am the beacon of light who will always bring you back to the right path when you have strayed. And, I am still your chauffeur. (A driver’s license seems like the next big perk, for both of us!) It is not my job to solve all of your problems anymore. It is not my job to make your decisions. I cannot make your choices. However, I will always be your mom. Truthfully, I struggle with this new role, from time to time. The lovely and kind version of my son reappeared eventually, Sometimes, I feel irrelevant, rejected when you don’t want to (hallelujah!) but I sensed a pending change in our relationship spend time with me. (But that’s my journey to travel, not yours.) lingering not so far on the horizon. So, I rushed to the bookstore We are both learning and changing. Growing together. and immersed myself in parenting books that discussed this My son fluctuates between moments of pure adolescence strange new phenomenon: adolescence. Yikes! While everything and moments when I still see the child in him. He will tune out I read made sense, in the logical part of my brain, the emotional the world by putting in his earbuds and jamming on his guitar. side began to panic. I’m not ready for this! Then, in the next minute, he will be playing Hotwheels cars on The resounding advice was this: You have dedicated 12 years the floor with his younger brother. He will venture farther into of parenting and have provided your child with guidance, values the world, having adventures without me. Then he will ask me to and life skills. Now, it is time to step back and let him practice kiss him and tuck him into bed at night. everything you have instilled. For now, he is a wonderfully strange juxtaposition of man and Step back? Loosen control? Let him walk through life without child. I am proud of the man he is becoming and I cherish the me right beside him? Terrifying. boy who still resides in my heart. Let me elaborate. I have taught my son to be kind. To work hard. To show reKelly Cleeve is a passionate educator with 14 years experience. She is a graduspect. I have encouraged him to have an opinion and to solve ate student at the University of British Columbia, a wife and a mother of two problems with fairness. I have taught him to own his actions, to beautiful boys.

Kelly Cleeve

IslandParent.ca

2019 15

Dental/Orthodontists

Teen Resources Dance/Drama SKAM School of Performing Arts offers teens the opportunity to creatively explore and grow their dramatic skills and passions. Staff are experienced theatre artists, and groups are small for quality instruction. Students are encouraged to develop skills in movement, voice, and dramatic technique, as well as build confidence and capacity for creative thinking. Classes are offered in acting, improv, and sketch writing. Our very popular teen performance companies have been running for 22 years. 250-386-7526. kathleen@ skam.ca. skam.ca.

Victoria Academy of Ballet was established in 1990 and is under the ownership and direction of Bleiddyn Del Villar Bellis, FCSC-CICB. VAB offers specialized dance instruction to children ages 3 to Professional level. VAB is a registered Vocational Institution with its twoyear, full time Bridge Program for high school graduates designated with the BC Private Training Institutions Branch. 716 Johnson Street. 250-590-6752. victoriaacademyofballet.ca.

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Take care of your teeth for life with Westshore Dental Centre, where our dental practice is devoted to restoring and enhancing the natural beauty of your smile. We’re the dentists Victoria, BC residents smile about, with our state-of-the-art procedures and technology that will result in beautiful, FOR MORE INFO: long-lasting smiles. We offer a broad range of services including routine family dental250.390 Nanaimo: care, cosmetic dentistry, Zoom!®/Sapphire™ Parksville: 250.24 bleaching and much more. 152-2945 Jacklin Road. 250-474-2296. westshoredental.com.

Transforming disability into ability. At Discovery School, learning disabilities are transformed into valuable skills and abilities. Students work at their own pace in small classes, with focused, individualized instruction. • Experienced, highly-qualified teachers • Ongoing assessment, evaluation & feedback • Improves organizational & study skills • Boost confidence, independence & responsibility • Nurturing environment based on Christian values • For students aged 7 – 18 in grades 1 – 12 • Individual Education Plans • Low student/teacher ratio

Enrolment is limited. For more information or to arrange a tour, visit www.discoveryschool.ca, call Sherri Ko at 250-595-7765 or email principal@discoveryschool.ca 16 Island Parent Magazine

Tweens & Teens 2019

Schools Aspengrove School in Nanaimo teaches the International Baccalaureate (IB) curriculum, a gold-standard in education worldwide, in junior K through graduation in grade 12. The IB is outstanding preparation for university, teaching independence, organization, and perhaps most important, the ability to live and work in community. Students graduating with the IB Diploma can see their work recognized by universities such as UVic and UBC for up to a full-year of credits. Learn more about our entrance scholarships at aspengroveschool.ca. In many ways, Discovery School is like any other school. We are Ministry inspected and have bright cheerful classrooms where children study the BC core curriculum. What makes us unique is that we are dedicated entirely to helping students with learning disabilities. Here elementary, middle and high school students work at their own pace in small classes under the direction of skilled, experienced teachers. For more information, please visit discoveryschool. ca, or call 250-595-7765. At Oak and Orca School and DL, inquiry-based learning connects student interests to BC Curriculum course requirements. Students and teachers co-create a learning plan, set goals, and explore assignments in a highly individualized manner. Oak and Orca strives to offer a unique educational experience where students can expand on their passions in order to meet course requirements and achieve schooling goals. There are options on-site in Victoria and at home throughout BC and a special education program is available. 250-383-6619. oakandorca.ca. Pacific Christian School invites you to come and explore “Educational Excellence to the Glory of God” from pre-school through grade 12. We strive to nurture students in Christ-like living, critical thinking and joyful service to be faithful citizens in God’s world. Call us for a tour today. PacificChristian.ca. 250479-4532. IslandParent.ca

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Tweens & Teens 2019

trained and screened leaders provide a safe place for children to develop socially, mentally, physically and spiritually. You will love Camp Pringle. Visit camppringle.com for easy online registration or call 250-743-2189.

Camp Qwanoes is a youth-oriented highadventure Christian camp celebrating 52 years of adventure on Vancouver Island. We are fully accredited and maintain standards of the highest quality. Choose from week-long co-ed camps for Juniors, Junior Highs, and Senior Highs, plus Family Retreats. Seeking to encourage, challenge, and develop the entire person, our well-rounded programs include over 75 activities, stimulating speakers, music & singing, Bible study, firesides, and of course pure fun! Qwanoes is an ideal place for fun-filled, life-changing adventure. Watch our video at qwanoes.ca/ summer/media. Order a free brochure at 1-888-997-9266 or qwanoes.ca.

Westshore Motorcross Park offers dirt bike rentals and lessons for all ages. Learn to ride programs range from $35 to $50 and include bike safety gear and lesson. Kids and teens are known to love this sport for its adrenaline pumping excitement. Groups, birthday packages, summer and spring camps. Open year round. Tuesday-Friday, 11am-8pm or dusk, Saturday and Sunday Saanich Commonwealth Place We’re a 10am-5pm. 2207 Millstream Road. westssafe, fun place to hang out: Victoria’s only horemx.com. 250-590-8088. wave pool with a 10m waterslide, diving boards, Wibit inflatables, rope swing and West Shore Parks loads of fun. Free weight room orientations & Recreation offor ages 13-15. After school drop-ins at Up- fers wide range of Side Teen Activity Lounge. 4636 Elk Lake programs for all ages. If you are lookDrive. saanich.ca. 250-475-7600. ing for quality youth programs check out the Swan Lake The Bird Course, Friday May teen section of our Activity Guide. Get your 17-Sunday May 19, 2019. Friday: 7pm-9pm, babysitting credentials, update your resume Saturday & Sunday: 7am-6pm. This three- or take an Aspiring Artist workshop. There is day course, led by renowned bird experts, always something fun happening in the West Drs. David Bird and Rodger Titman, is Shore. For information on teen programs perfect for bird enthusiasts from novice to and Friday Night Drop-In email acooper@ expert. Cost: $275/person Non Members. westshorerecreation or call 250-478-8383. $250/person Members. Call 250-479-0211 Find us on Facebook; facebook.com/ or stop by the Swan Lake Nature house to westshorerecreation. West Shore Parks & register. Space is limited—pre-register by Recreation 1767 Island Highway, Victoria.• May 13th.

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What Could We Have Done? Healthy Families, Happy Families

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viha.ca/prevention_services/ 20 Island Parent Magazine

For Terry

hen I was in high school, some 46 years ago, I had the good fortune to have a close circle of friends who made those years a time of laughter and, for the most part, good memories. One of those friends, Terry, was a funny guy who was quick with a witty remark and wry observation. He was smart and had a smile that lit up the room. But Terry would sometimes sink into deep depressive periods when he became unresponsive to jokes and would remain silent for long stretches of time. For us, that’s just the way he was. We were young and didn’t know any better. As is often the case, after graduation most of our group went their own ways and we gradually lost touch. I didn’t hear about Terry again until 1973 when his brother called to tell me that Terry had hanged himself. To this day, his death still haunts me. How could it have happened? What could we have done? Over the years, I’ve come to learn that the problem was not likely related to our friendship or our failings, but rather it was a problem related to society’s failure back then to recognize the reality of mental illnesses. It’s seldom easy to acknowledge mental health issues and all too often we tend to react to those who are suffering from these issues in ways that only serve to make matters worse. That can be especially true when the person suffering from a mental issue is a teenager. From a parent’s perspective, changes in behaviour are often ascribed to being a “part of growing up” or written off as an overabundance of hormones. It can be tough to imagine that our joyful little toddler has grown into a young adult who might have developed some very real and very serious mental health challenges. The Canadian Mental Health Association says that about 14 per cent of young people in B.C. will experience some form of mental illness. That’s one in seven. And the truth is that between 50 to 70 per cent of mental illnesses will show up before

people reach the age of 18. That includes illnesses such as schizophrenia and bipolar disorder, depression, eating disorders, anxiety disorders, and some conduct disorders. These are illnesses, not part of growing up. Left untreated, they can destroy lives and prevent a teen’s normal development.

Tim Collins And, yes, they can cause death. Youth are among the most vulnerable populations in the country for suicides—it is the second leading cause of death for Canadians between the ages of 10 to 24. Luckily, a move to recognize and deal with these issues has begun. Teachers and counsellors are trained to recognize the signs of mental illness and some schools have psychologists on staff to help guide young people suffering from these illnesses to the proper support. Youth mental health clinics have been established in some municipalities where young people can go to receive confidential help. But the most important step may be for the rest of us, the parents, grandparents, coaches and others in the community to do our part. It’s our awareness and attitudes toward mental illness that can determine whether a young person who is dealing with a mental challenge seeks help or suffers in silence. Mental illness is a common problem in society, and young people are not immune. Blaming obvious problems on hormones or writing them off as part of growing up does our youth a tremendous disservice. Being aware of possible warning signs of suicide and knowing where to turn for help can save a life. Tim Collins is a writer and freelance journalist living and working in Victoria. Tweens & Teens 2019

Resources Talk to someone if you’re concerned about the thoughts, feelings or behaviours that you or someone close to you is having. Examples include: • Changes in eating or sleeping habits • Not interested in doing favourite activities • Talking about dying or not wanting to live anymore/making suicidal statements • Being preoccupied with death in conversation, writing, or drawing • Giving away belongings • Withdrawing from friends and family. • Having aggressive or hostile behaviour • Neglecting personal appearance • Running away from home • Risk-taking behaviour, such as reckless driving or being sexually promiscuous • A change in personality (such as from upbeat to quiet) It is extremely important that you take all threats of suicide seriously and seek immediate treatment for your child or teenager. If you are a child or teen and have these feelings, talk with your parents, an adult friend, or your doctor right away to get some help. Youth in BC youthinbc.com

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Youthspace.ca Kids Help Phone 1-800-668-6868 The Foundry foundrybc.ca United Way 211 Call or text 211 or visit bc211.ca National Institute of Families for Child & Youth Mental Health familysmart.ca Your Life Counts! yourlifecounts.org Know the signs that your child or teen might be thinking about suicide. For a list of warning signs of suicide in children and teens, visit healthlinkbc.ca/ health-topics/ty6090.

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Moving Out How to help when your teen leaves home

moved out of my family home in 2012 at the age of 17. I am a winter baby and so I could’ve been considered a little young to be leaving so soon. But I wanted to go straight to university after graduation—just like both of my parents—and so the natural path was to move out of the family home and into a dormitory on campus. I was only an hour away, but my absence had a noticeable impact on my family. My sister, who until then had been able to live life with relative freedom as the younger child, realized that all parental attention was now on her. With me away, there was only one child left to parent, and for a stubborn 14-year-old, that notion was a nightmare. For my parents, empty-nest syndrome didn’t really set in until my sister moved out three years later. The house was quiet and half the chairs at the dinner table were empty. Since I left home over six years ago, I have moved four times. I discovered what it was like to have less than a month to find a place to live, to have cheques bounce, to forget to pay rent on time, and to have my dad follow me around with a clipboard and measuring tape as I looked at an empty suite so he could build extra security measures. I’ve been caught in feuds between roommates, slept on the floor with only a mattress and nothing else, and have felt the loneliness of living on my own. But, as stressful as these experiences often were, it was all part of the experience of growing up! There are plenty of horror stories of teens who move out and find themselves in awful situations. But less often told are the stories of those young adults who thrive with their newfound freedom—to make their own decisions and feel responsible for themselves in the best of ways. They might even begin to appreciate what they left behind with their family. Everyone’s experience will be different, but one thing I know is that whenever I go to visit my parents in the countryside, I appreciate the fresh air, the quiet and the 22 Island Parent Magazine

companionship of the family dog much more than I ever had in high school. When I asked my parents to recall their memories of leaving home, I found out there were many similarities between my experience and theirs. Both moved straight into post-secondary dormitories after high school, a process my mom refers to as a “cheater’s move-out.” It did not come with the additional issues of utility bills or grocery shopping. In her late teens and early twenties, my mom faced joblessness and had to move back home to save money, a miserable but unavoidable situation, she recalls. It took her some time to find a job that made her happy and also paid enough to allow her to move back out again. Though it may not feel that way to most young people who strive to go out on their own, there is no shame in “bouncing back” to the family home until they can get on their feet again. Even if it might put some strain on the family dynamic. Unfortunately all of this can be part of the “growing pains.” There is no “right time” for a teen or young adult to leave the family home; the typical age in North America can range between 17 and 25. Some cultures consider it unusual for children to move out until they are fully matured adults with the prospect of marriage in mind. In our western culture, those who do not move out soon after high school can be the butt of their peers’ jokes. It’s seen as socially unacceptable to remain in the family home beyond one’s early to mid-twenties, regardless of circumstances. Considering the cost of living, moving out can be a great source of stress for the teenager newly graduated from high school. Personally, the only reason I’ve been living in my own apartment for as long as I have is because my family has been financially supportive. It can be difficult to save and maintain enough money to live independently for many young people. There are many things for parents to consider as their babies leave the nest, but in my experience there were four things in particular that my parents were able to help with as I transitioned from living at home to living independently. Tweens & Teens 2019

1. Teach your child how to use a chequebook. A surprising number of landlords prefer cheques even though e-transfer is available. In my experience every one of my four landlords only accepted post-dated cheques. As dumb as it sounds, stress the importance of actually having the money in the account before writing a cheque—it might seem obvious, but accidents still happen, and it can be incredibly stressful.

Emily Collis 2. Help your child set up a budget, even if it feels like torture for both of you. The last thing your newly-independent teenager needs is to realize that the reason their debit card isn’t working is because they only have $10 left in their account. Grocery shopping with a budget or at least getting an idea of how much is being spent per week is a great idea. 3. Remind your child that they’re

not immortal. But not in those exact words. When I first moved out, I wasn’t too concerned with safety. In my first year of independence, I often forgot to lock the front door. My roommates did the same. The benefit of living with others, however, is that there’s security in numbers, so even if we forgot once or twice, there weren’t any major consequences. When I moved the second time, I chose a one-bedroom basement suite apartment. It was around then that I started to think about how easy it would be for someone to break a window and climb into my apartment while I was sleeping. From there I began to formulate hypothetical escape plans for break-ins, fires or earthquakes—but maybe that crosses the line into paranoia! Still, I never experienced anything beyond trouble with the neighbours or moment of terror as a raccoon waddled across my windowsill. It’s easy to forget about little things such as extra window locks or making sure the fire alarm works. And it’s never a bad idea to have an emergency kit for natural or unnatural disasters/accidents. My dad is a prepared person and made sure to set up an emergency kit for my car and for my home. Luckily I’ve never had to use either of them.

4. Help your teen come up with a backup plan in case their roommate won’t pay bills, breaks the contract, or is completely unmanageable. Being stuck in a living situation with the wrong person can be miserable. When one of my roommates snapped and threw a glass at my other roommate in a screaming match, we had to scramble to find a new person to fill the gap before next month’s rent was due. In that situation, a little parental advice went a long way. We can’t predict everything that will happen, but it’s good to consider the “what ifs,” just in case. Of course, all of these are just suggestions based on my experiences. The most likely situation is that said teen or young adult will ignore all advice in favour of experiencing life for themselves. It’s okay if they make mistakes, hopefully they’ll grow from them. But if parents are aware of the pitfalls of just starting out and how they can lend a hand, the transition from teenager to adult might be a little smoother. Emily Collis is a writer/illustrator born and raised on Vancouver Island. She is currently self-employed working on everything from crafts to cartoons. She hopes to publish a novel someday.

Cover Photo Contest Send us your most memorable photo of your kids or family enjoying summer on Vancouver Island. It may be featured on this years Family Summer Guide or Kids’ Guide. Grand Prize: A Flying Squirrel Bounce Party for 10 ($335 value). Includes 2 hours of jumping, pizza, water and a reserved table for 10. Honourable Mentions: 2 IMAX Tickets • Only digital submissions will be accepted. • Send a maximum of three photos, medium or high resolution (preferably 2–3MB). • Photos must be colour shots of children or families in Vancouver Island locations. • Contest is open to Vancouver Island residents only.

• No professional photographers, please. • Entry deadline is Monday, April 2, 2018. • Winners will be notiﬁed by email by Wednesday, May 15. • Winning photos become the property of Island Parent Magazine.

Send entries to photos@islandparent.ca IslandParent.ca

2019

Youth Mental Health & Substance Use s an Intake Worker at Foundry Victoria, part of my job is to support youth and families as they navigate the complex waters of youth mental health and substance use services (MHSU). I don’t presume to come from a place of understanding what it feels like to be a youth or a parent in this system, but I have spent years trying to support both as they seek these essential services. During this process, I have witnessed some common themes. Most of the people we work with in the MHSU system are in some form of distress—

of an increase in awareness and mental health literacy, and an increase in need based on a lack of connection to community. Regardless, it can be scary and upsetting for a parent, friend, loved one to see a youth struggling with these issues. As I outline some of the services available to youth and families, I feel the need to make some form of an apology on behalf of the “system,” in particular as I envision a veteran parent reading this article and recalling the barriers, roadblocks, frustrations, fear, sadness, exhaustion. The system is not perfect.

including bloodwork, general physical wellness checks, screening for anxiety and depression, sleep, hygiene, and eating patterns. If you don’t have a family doctor, the Victoria Youth Clinic (lead agency for Foundry Victoria) is a walk-in clinic that works with youth ages 12-24. There are also many other community walk-in clinics available for families. Some youth may feel like they want to talk to a counsellor. Families who have benefits can explore private counselling. Those who do not can access the primary provincial mental health service for youth up to age 19, Child and Youth Mental Health (CYMH). If a youth is eligible for services, CYMH can set the youth up with groups, one on one counselling, and (as needed) psychiatric support. If a youth’s primary concerns are around substance use, youth (up to age 19 with flexible borders), parents and families affected by youth substance use can access

whether it be problematic substance use affecting youth and/or their families, and mental health concerns, such as stress and anxiety, low mood and depression, suicidal ideation, non-suicidal self-injury (NSSI) such as cutting or burning, emotional dysregulation, disordered eating, and early psychosis. I think it’s fair to say that at some point, families are impacted by one or more of these concerns. Some folks question whether or not it seems like youth MHSU concerns are increasing. My answer is it is a combination

There are often extensive waitlists. There are gaps. The people who have the loudest voices—youth, parents, families—are at the disadvantage of having to advocate and push back at the system when you are likely at your most drained. My hat goes off to you all, and as a service provider I can assure you that we advocate and push as much as we can to try and get things working better. One of the best places to start is checking in with your family doctor. General Practitioners can start with the basic investigations when a youth is feeling distress,

Island Health’s Discovery Youth and Family Substance Use Services. Foundry Victoria can be a good resource for youth ages 12-24 (up to the 25th birthday) and provides walk-in counselling, peer support workers, in-house parent support worker, outreach workers, harm reduction supplies, wellness groups, art therapy dropin, limited appointment-based counselling, primary care, hormone readiness assessments, system navigation, and referrals to other community services. For youth who would prefer to reach out

A tale of navigation

24 Island Parent Magazine

Tweens & Teens 2019

anonymously and confidentially through text or online support, they can access Youthspace.ca, an online resource provided by Victoria-based NEED2. In cases where a youth has accessed the above services and there is a need for more specialized services, examples including psycho-educational testing, early psychosis intervention, disordered eating support, occupational therapy and in-patient care, community care providers can guide and refer.

Lorna Mace Sometimes mental health and substance use difficulties donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t emerge through a slow burn, but more through an explosionâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;a precipitating event or a breaking point. If you have concerns for the safety of a child or youth of any age, an option is calling the Vancouver Island Crisis Line, which is staffed, BC-wide, 24/7. They can help you navigate resources, and staff has access to the Integrated Mobile Crisis Support Team (IMCRT). This is an integrated team of youth and family MHSU nurses, social workers, and plain-clothes police officers, who can attend a location in the community and check in around safety concerns. They are staffed 1 p.m. to midnight, seven days a week. If you have immediate safety concernsâ&#x20AC;&#x201D; for example if your child/youth is actively suicidal, psychotic, under the influence of substances and losing consciousness, or in substance withdrawalâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;go to the emergency room. If your child is under 17, Victoria General Hospital is best; and if they are 17 years or older, Royal Jubilee Hospital is best. The analogy parents sometimes hear is that, like in an airline emergency, you have to put on your own oxygen mask before helping your child with theirs. There may be times when you are living in too much chaos, just managing damage control, to seek emotional support for yourself. Please try and remember however that those in community who are supporting children and youth are also looking out for the parents and families, and can help you find support for yourself as your try to keep your head above water. Lorna Mace is a Counsellor and Social Worker at Foundry Victoria. IslandParent.ca

Resources Child and Youth Mental Health gov.bc.ca/gov/content/health/managing-your-health/mental-health-substance-use/ child-teen-mental-health Discovery Youth and Family Substance Use Services islandhealth.ca/our-services/youth-substance-use-services/youth-family-substanceuse-services/discovery-youth-family-substance-use-services Foundry (including Foundry Victoria) foundrybc.ca/

Vancouver Island Crisis Line vicrisis.ca/

Victoria Youth Clinic victoriayouthclinic.ca/

Youthspace.ca youthspace.ca/

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ith all of the concerns regarding teens being addicted to technology, we really have to ask ourselves: How we can deal with this effectively as parents or mentors? It’s easy for a teen to get lost in the moment, especially with video games and social media. It is for this reason that they need support to deal with the seductive nature of technology. Actually, we all do. Addiction takes us out of our inner growth, that place where we connect to our feelings, where we feel pain, experience it and develop deeper knowledge about ourselves and things that matter. When it comes to teens, addiction stunts their emotional growth. Many adults are still at an adolescent level when it comes to emotional intelligence. They didn’t get that final dose of nurturing and connection at a time when they really needed it—often because of conflict and adults giving up or not being available.

Tweens & Teens 2019

We have a potent antidote to addiction and that is our loving, intelligent and supportive presence. Yes, it’s hard—of course it is—but it is part of the task being an adult who is responsible to act like one. Help your teens understand that addiction can affect: • Meaningful connection • Social skills and being perceived as a competent and likeable person • An ability to be honest and forthcoming • Being our best selves today for an even better self tomorrow • Presence of mind, being here now in reality • Relationships with nature • Attaining balance with responsibility and doing the right thing • Delaying gratification, getting the job done to reap the rewards that follow • Participating in articulate, intentional and intelligent communication It’s important to focus on what we can contribute, rather than what we have little knowledge or control over. Research shows that this is how we teach most effectively. Perhaps the challenge is that we are dealing with modern-day issues using old-school fixes. With this approach, we are only sending kids further away and less equipped to deal with their own issues. We tend to rely on parenting methods that were used on us, especially when we think things are out of our control. This is not a solution, it’s an ineffective reaction based on fear. If we can avoid the finger-wagging lectures about taking responsibility and instead admit that we all struggle with selfdiscipline, we can avoid that old-school un-relatable role of parent. Remember, your screen was an Etch-a-Sketch, not nearly as intriguing as the tiny, amazing computers we have in our pockets today.

Allison Rees

Start with being honest about your own technology use. Acknowledge how difficult it is to control your own screen use. Are you reading as many books now that you can go down the rabbit hole of internet and podcasts? Do you check your messages frequently, even when you don’t need to? What is the first thing you look at when you get up in the morning? Keeping it real stops you from appearing to be a hypocrite, something that your teen can spot a mile away. This also includes how you conduct the rest of your life with other issues such as alcohol use, exercise, managing emotions and so on. Get clear on why too much screen time might be an issue other than just saying that it is addictive. Technology is amazing so don’t go black and white or catastrophic with this. We do all kinds of things that aren’t great for us because they feel good but usually a problem arises when we do too much of them. Doing anything too much can come with a cost. IslandParent.ca

Don’t blow the opportunity by playing an old role! These are new times and you have to step it up. If you are living an examined life, one that you are open to reviewing, your teens will benefit. Not only that, they will notice, even if they don’t admit it. As the saying goes, “You might be fired as the general manager of your teen, but you could get hired back as a consultant.” If you can be respectful with your own boundaries and communication, you are also teaching your teen what healthy relationships look like. Who tells us how to choose a partner? What about that important life choice? Imagine saying, choose somebody who treats you better than I do. No, you show children what a loving relationship looks like and they learn from that. Consultants don’t threaten, punish or disrespect their client. if they did, they would get fired. They listen with interest and they get curious. They hear the concerns of their client. Your golden ticket is having a teen who can share their struggles. If they are contemplating that they are out of balance with computer use, they won’t share that with you if you are judging them. Respectful relationships don’t make people wrong, they allow for people to express themselves. They don’t take over other people’s problems but rather trust that the person might have answers if they can gain some clarity. So support your teen to come up with their own answers. They might know what has worked for them before or what they might try. Learn how to ask powerful questions rather than tell your teen what to do. Sharpen up those consulting skills. LIFE Seminars has two books available, “Sidestepping the Power Struggle” and “The Parent Child Connection.” See lifeseminars.com. 2019 27

Buddy Check for Jesse Turning a family tragedy into help for others

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uddy Check For Jesse, launched October 2018, provided green tape—the colour for mental health—to hundreds of teams throughout B.C. for players to tape their sticks in support of mental health. The campaign is in honour of my son, Jesse Anders Short-Gershman, born on July 22, 1992 in Victoria, British Columbia. Jesse was a “gifted child” and was highly accomplished academically throughout his life. By the age of 20 he was working

is for our youth to experience struggles with coping on a daily basis. Buddy Check For Jesse was developed for Hockey Coaches to deliver to their teams. As a coach myself, I believe that the coaches of “Canada’s Game” are in a unique position to share a positive message to help raise awareness that mental health issues can affect anyone. Coaches are respected by their players and the players need to know that their coaches

in Silicon Valley at Google. He was kind, funny, an excellent golfer, swimmer, pianist, and cared deeply about his family and the environment. He also had mental health challenges. On October 29, 2014, at the age of 22, Jesse died by suicide. The idea to share a mental health message began early after his death and grew from my initial desire to support his two younger brothers and their hockey teammates. Three years later Buddy Check for Jesse was established. The goal of Buddy Check For Jesse is to honour Jesse’s memory by recognizing and normalizing how common and pervasive it

care about them. The idea is to create an environment where teammates support one another and are more aware of potential mental health issues so they are prepared to step in with support when they see a teammate, friend, themselves, or a family member struggling. The more coaches and parents are aware of the prevalence of youth mental health issues, the better chance that our kids can receive the help and support they deserve. My hope is that Buddy Check for Jesse will: • Help destigmatize a mental health diagnosis

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28 Island Parent Magazine

Tweens & Teens 2019

• Debunk some myths around mental health challenges • Allow players to understand that there is help available and that the majority of mental illnesses are treatable • Help players realize that their own teammates may be struggling themselves or have a close family member or friend who is • Give players the confidence to someday reach out to a trusted resource, such as a teammate, coach, manager, parent or, health care professional to open a discussion

Stu Gershman • Plant a seed that may someday grow and lead to someone reaching out to someone for help, or to help someone else • Raise awareness that everyone will be touched by mental health issues in their lifetime Buddy Check for Jesse also provided posters, wallet cards and coaches notes to promote this message with their teams. With the help of family and friends The Buddy Check message also included participation of teams from across Canada. The feedback from kids, parents, and the overall community has been humbling and overwhelmingly positive. The hope is that this first launch of Buddy Check will help drive the conversation around how common mental health issues are in youth, to encourage them to reach out for help, and to understand that resources and treatment is available—just like there is for the majority of medical conditions. I am extremely grateful for the help received from my partners (BC Hockey, Suburbia Studios, CBI Health Group, SportsArt. ca, Moa Media), my family at home, and across the country. I am looking forward to the growth and expansion of Buddy Check For Jesse over the next year. The program will peak across Canada annually every last weekend of October. Dr. Stu Gershman is a Victoria Sport Medicine Physician and father of four children. He is active in organizing and coaching youth sports. He believes that coaches play an important role in the lives of young athletes and that this is an ideal age group to plant a seed and drive the conversation to destigmatize and bring awareness to mental health issues. IslandParent.ca

For more information, to view the green tape in action, and for resources, please visit the following social media sites: Website: buddycheckforjesse.com Instagram: buddycheckforjesse Twitter: twitter.com/BuddyCheckJesse YouTube: youtu.be/XzHZAtgSDb4 Email: buddycheckforjesse@gmail.com 2019

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Out of School Care • Programs & Events Crew and Leader-in-Training Programs

Leadership • Summer Camp • Rentals

11 – 14 Years

Youth DROP-IN FRIDAYS

6:30–8:30 PM

at Centennial Centre

Youth Drop-In is a place to enjoy free or low cost activities, games, outings and so much more. Every Friday from 6:30-8:30 pm.

For more information about specific dates and weekly activities send an e-mail to teen@westshorerecreation.ca

facebook/westshorerecreation

@wsrecreation

wsrecrecreation

teen@westshorerecreation.ca

a su m mer â&#x20AC;&#x153;Give them forever!â&#x20AC;? that lasts

Sum mer r ca m ps fo ! all ages

75+

ACTIV & co ITIES u nt ing!

Watch our

SUMMEeoR 2019 vid

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m edia a/su m m er/

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