Island Parent August-September 2022

AUG/SEPT 2022

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Vancouver Island’s Parenting Resource for 34 Years

Why I Quit Being My Child’s Valet

Homework Inside:

GRAND

A Special Feature for Grandparents

Whose Responsibility Is It, Anyway?

P lant Your Roots at the Fair!

September 3, 4 & 5 2022

The 154th Saanich Fair is back in full swing September 3, 4 and 5 at the Saanich Fair Grounds!

MIDWAY, 4-H, CONCESSIONS AND MUCH, MUCH MORE!

saanichfair.ca

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August/September 2022

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In Every Issue

TA B L E O F C O N T E N T S

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Fast Forward SUE FAST

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Need to Know

Features 10

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Moms’ POV SARAH SEITZ

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15 Time- (& Tear) Saving Back-to-School Hacks

Normalizing the Bad & the Ugly of Divorce

(RV) Camping with Twins Plus One

KELLY MCQUILLAN

JEANNE PETIT-HUMPHRIES

NATASHA MILLS

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The Struggle to Stay Whole

Consent from the Start

JULIE MAIS

KATE NASH

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Emergency Supplies to Have On-Hand

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Older Motherhood FRANCESCA SCALA

KIM FOURNIER

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Dadspeak

Whose Responsibility Is It Anyway?

JESSE BLAINE

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DR. ALLISON REES

Preschool & Child Care Directory

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Kids’ Reads

Horsing Around

CHRISTINE VAN STARKENBURG

LINDSAY COULTER

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GRAND A Special Feature

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for Grandparents

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So You Want to Be a Grandparent?

The Importance of Building Community

SUSAN GNUCCI

EMMA EATON

Businesses You Need to Know

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Family Calendar

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What’s for Dinner

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The Magic of Small RACHEL DUNSTAN MULLER

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Gifts for Nature-loving Grandkids LINDSAY COULTER

AUG/SEPT 2022

On the Cover Photo by Liz Bourassa Spruce & Sparrow Photography spruceandsparrow.com

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FREE COPY

Vancouver Island’s Parenting Resource for 34 Years

Why I Quit Being My Child’s Valet

Homework Inside:

GRAND

A Special Feature for Grandparents

Whose Responsibility Is It, Anyway?

Island Parent Magazine

Jim Schneider Publisher publisher@islandparent.ca Sue Fast Editor editor@islandparent.ca Kristine Wickheim Account Manager kristine@islandparent.ca RaeLeigh Buchanan Account Manager raeleigh@islandparent.ca Island Parent Magazine, published by Island Parent Group Enterprises Ltd., is a bimonthly publication that honours and supports parents by providing information on resources and businesses for Vancouver Island families. Views expressed are not necessarily those of the publisher. No material herein may be reproduced without the permission of the publisher. Island Parent is distributed free in selected areas.

Annual mail subscriptions (7 issues) are available for $21 (GST included).

Canadian Publication Mail Product Sales Agreement 40051398. ISSN 0838-5505.

EMILLIE PARRISH

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Cut It Out! ALLISON REES

Island Parent Magazine

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FA STF O RWA R D

7 Ways to Start Off On the Right Foot this Fall

J

ust when you’ve found your summer groove—staying up late and then sleeping in the next morning, stretching out in the shade midday with a good book, eating watermelon and French fries for dinner, running barefoot through the grass—it’s time to start thinking about the change of seasons and back-to-school. With fall just around the corner, now’s the time to enjoy what’s left of summer while getting ready for the start of a new season. To help ease the shift from the lazy days of summer to the picked-up pace of fall, here are some ideas and suggestions designed to help get your family off to a great start: 1. Try something you’ve never tried before. Or do something you’ve wanted to do this summer but haven’t had a chance to do yet. Always wanted to go caving? Go now! Curious about the view from Malahat Skywalk’s 250-metre high lookout? Why not take a look?! Is swimming with the salmon on your summer-to-do list? Dive in!

2. Go camping. Celebrate the summer with a camping trip to one of the Island’s spectacular provincial campsites. Stay up late and stargaze.

There’s nothing like seeing the stars from outside city limits. Make a back-to-school wish on the first star you see!

3. Set up a study area, a fun one! Pile comfy cushions to make a reading corner—favourite books within reach. Decorate! Hang a solarsystem mobile, framed artwork, maps and/or a whiteboard. Be desk-

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ready. Have a good chair to support sitting for awhile and a small desk. Let kids decorate their desk with washi tape or colourful accessories.

4. Shop for school supplies—label everything!—and fill a back-toschool backpack. Sure there’s the standard school-issued list of have-tohaves, but let kids get creative and add a few personal touches: a crazy new pencil case, maybe, or a fun new lunch bag. Or host a supply swap and share any surplus supplies.

5. Reconnect with classmates. Throw a pizza party in the park. Or a neighbourhood barbecue. Walk the route to school with kids who will be walking the same route. Organize a walking or riding “school bus” and make plans for the first day back.

6. Set up a family organization station where notices, permission slips, paperwork and school-related correspondence get dropped at the end of the school day. Take a few minutes to enter any important dates in the calendar or fill out any required forms.

7. Set aside some time—walking home from school, at dinnertime, before bed—to really check in and find out how your child’s day went.

Replace the question “how was your day?” with “what was the best thing that happened at school today?”

Here’s to all of the good days ahead and getting off to a great start!

– Sue Fast

August/September 2022

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N E E DTO KN OW

Jumpstart The Capital Regional District (CRD) and Canadian Tire Jumpstart Charities (Jumpstart) are proud to announce the grand opening of a Jumpstart Inclusive Multi Sport Court at the Panorama Recreation Centre, designed to accommodate physical, cognitive and sensory play for kids of all abilities. Through collaboration with Jumpstart and local Canadian Tire Dealers Grant Wood, Justin Young, Kim Reynhoudt, Mark Barsanti and Robert Heenan, local kids of all abilities can participate in sport and play side-by-side, fostering a stronger, more inclusive and healthier community. For more information, visit jumpstart.canadiantire.ca.

Multilingual Books Online Lars speaks Ukrainian, a bilingual picture book for Ukrainian children, is now online for free. Also, a bilingual edition of Little Polar Bear—Where are you going, Lars? in English and Ukrainian, is available as a digital book for free at northsouth.com/books/little-polarbear-bilibri-eng-ukrainian. NorthSouth Books has been offering bilingual picture books in collaboration with Edition bi:libri since 2019.

Great for early second-language learners, the bestselling titles The Rainbow Fish and Little Polar Bear feature complete texts in English paired with Spanish, Japanese, Korean, Chinese, Russian, German, French, Arabic, Vietnamese and Italian. The English-Ukrainian Little Polar Bear version is the newest addition to this series and a response to the devastating war in the Ukraine.

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Learn a new sport or refine your skills: come join our rock climbing teams!

Electric Buses

Registration for recreational and competitive teams open now.

All levels welcome!

Ages 6–18.

Every school day 110,000 kids across BC ride the school bus.

The time those kids spend on the bus—and the distance they travel—adds up. In all, BC school

Details and registration at climbtheboulders.com

The Boulders Climbing Gym 1627 Stelly’s Cross Road | Saanichton, BC | 250.544.0310

buses travel roughly 33 million kilometres every year. Switching from diesel to electric will make those journeys healthier—for our kids and the planet. The good news is some BC students are already riding electric buses. In May 2021, Sooke School District on Vancouver Island became the first to run an electric school bus. As of December 2021, 18 electric school buses were running in 13 school districts—that’s 1,300 students benefitting from this cleaner, greener transportation. Now we need more electric school buses, in all of our 64 school districts. To learn more, visit forourkids.ca/our_electric_ school_bus_campaign_bc.

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August/September 2022

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BOOK BASH!

Book Bash! challenges readers of all ages to set a reading target and obtain pledges from friends and family for every 100 pages they read from August 1-31. Set a reading target, pick a theme (or not) and challenge others to match or exceed their target. Winners will receive a gift bag containing books, gift certificates and other items donated by supporting merchants. Prize winners will be drawn from those who send their collected pledges to the Victoria Literacy Connection by September 30. Proceeds will be used to support the VLC’s free literacy programs for children, youth and adults in Greater Victoria. To register and download a reading log visit bookbash.victorialiteracyconnection.ca.

Flavour Trails The North Saanich Flavour Trail Festival is back with some of the best culinary and cultural experiences the region has to offer. Explore the map and hit the trail to learn about local food, wine, beer, distillers, farm markets, cafes and more. Presented by the District of North Saanich, CRFAIR, the Good Food Network and Destination Greater Victoria. On Saturday, August 27 and Sunday, August 28, the festival culminates in a celebration weekend with more than 20 venues hosting activities ranging from farm gate tastings to winery and orchard tours, from sheep shearing demonstrations to scarecrow making. To learn more and explore the vendors and regional map, visit flavourtrails.com.

Youth Bike Skills Park The new Tripp Station Youth Bike Skills Park in Saanich is open. Now mountain bike and BMX riders of all levels can develop and practice riding skills in a structured, safe and managed environment. Features include an asphalt pump track, dirt jumps and a skills trail. The park is adjacent to the Lochside Trail and easily accessible by bike. Additional improvements include a gravel pathway from the main entrance of the park off Lochside Drive adjacent to the Lochside Regional Trail connecting to Borden Street, park furniture, bike racks, a drinking fountain, signs and a portable toilet.

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Ride the Cyclone Don’t miss the homecoming of Victoria’s own home-grown musical sensation Ride the Cyclone

by Jacob Richmond and Brooke Maxwell from August 2–14. Chosen by the NY Times as one of the Top 10 productions of 2016, Victoria audiences will have the opportunity to cheer the success of this work that has taken Vancouver, Toronto, New York, Chicago, Seattle, Atlanta and Minneapolis by storm.

First Tuesday and Wednesday prices are 55% lower than the regular ticket price. bluebridgetheatre.ca

TICKETS: CAPITALCITYCOMICCON.CA

SET YOUR FACES D E N N U T S O T SEPT

23 - 25

2022 PROUDLY PRESENTED BY:

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August/September 2022

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LE A R N

15 Time- (& Tear!) Saving Back-to-School Hacks A

s surely as the seasons cycle, September means back-toschool. The abrupt change from long, care-free days of summer holidays to rigid schedules, bag lunches and homework can be stressful. Here are some suggestions to help make this transition—and the school year—more positive for kids and parents.

School Supplies

1. Reuse, Reuse, Reuse—It is shocking how many barelyused or new school supplies end up in school dumpsters in June. Make sure your kids bring everything home, sort through it together and reuse what is salvageable. It will save you money in the long-term. Bonus, it helps kids learn to take care of their stuff.

2. Label, Label, Label—When I was in elementary school, one of my August rituals was to label my supplies. I still have pencil crayons from 30 (cough cough) years ago. In busy classrooms things fall on the ground or are misplaced all the time, but at end-of-day cleanup, kids with labelled supplies usually get them back.

Clothing

5. “New” is So Passé—Thank goodness “thrifting” has become a cool thing to do. You’ll save dollars, help local charities and keep clothes out of the landfill.

6. Label, Label, Label some more!—Before holidays, school classes participate in a slow procession through the halls: the “Viewing of the Lost.” So. Many. Things. You’d think children would recognize their possessions. Nope. Most end up being sent to the thrift store. Unless, of course, they are clearly labelled.

Feeding Bodies and Minds:

7. Plan Ahead—Two words: meal planning. It saves money, time and the daily stress of “What’s for dinner?” When my 3. Quality Over Cool—Trendy gizmos come and go (and often break shortly after purchase). Better to stock up on quality-but-plainer supplies on sale and let your kiddos personalize them.

4. Dole it Out Sparingly—Fact: classrooms are crowded places with minimal storage. Only send your child with what they need to start and send more as necessary. Less will go missing into The Void.

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step-kids were school-age we sat down as a family every Sunday for 15 minutes and planned out the week’s meals. The kids loved having input and it made shopping super easy. You can do this for lunches, too!

8. Beat the Lunch-Time Blues—Depending on their age, many kids can make their own lunches. If you’re afraid that these lunches might consist of last year’s Halloween candy or dry slices of white bread, set some guidelines (ex. one item from each food group) and make sure there are healthy choices on hand.

9. Bulk vs Snack Size—Individually portioned snacks for kids are marketed as a time-saving godsend, however, they are expensive and create piles of garbage (that, in turn, decorates school playgrounds). Small re-usable containers or snack pouches can be filled from a bulk or family-sized box, saving money and packaging.

season. Life won’t be as hectic and everyone benefits from breathing space (especially in September!)

12. Foster a Growth Mindset—Instead of focusing on grades, encourage your child to reflect on their own learning. What can they do more confidently than they did before?

What makes learning easier for them? How can they extend themselves? If a child is stuck on “I can’t,” try using psychologist Carol Dweck’s technique of tacking on a “yet”: “I can’t YET.” 13. Sleep Hygiene Saves Sanity—Schedules and sleep get out of whack during summer. That first week of grumpy tumbles out of bed and grumpier after-school restraint collapse might be more manageable if you start easing back into a bedtime/wake-up routine a couple of weeks beforehand. A good night’s sleep makes everything easier. For everyone.

Communication is Key

Keeping Everyone Happy

10. Family Calendar—Invest in a BIG family calendar and keep it in a central location. This helps with planning, logistics and also shifts the family knowledge-keeping burden from one person (ahem, Mom) to everyone.

11. Less is More—When adults spread ourselves too thin we get tired, cranky, overwhelmed, etc. Kids can feel the same way. Instead of doing all the activities, choose one or two per

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14. Teacher = Partner—Many parents wait for official conferences or when a problem arises to meet their child’s teacher, but a friendly intro during the first week (even via email) is a great idea. Establishing a positive connection early on leads to clearer communication and helps everyone to remember that we are all on the same team, your child’s.

15. Lecturing Isn’t Listening—Parents are problem-solvers and behaviour tutors, but sometimes our kids don’t need us to offer advice or constructive criticism. Sometimes they just need to be heard and accepted, no matter what. September is a doozy of a month with so much change and new expectations. You might have to adjust your own expectations a little, at least for the first couple of weeks. Kids adapt quickly, and knowing that they have your unconditional love and support makes all the difference.

Kelly McQuillan is a writer, musician, teacher and fledgling mother living in Comox. kellymcquillanwriter.weebly.com and kellymcquillan.com.

August/September 2022

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LE A R N

Whose Responsibility Is It, Anyway?!

How to help with homework—without going overboard

I

t’s important to make sure our children grow up loving to learn rather than being anxious about performance or hooked on doing everything perfectly. Studies show that extrinsic motivation (rewards such as grades or money) has the capacity to destroy intrinsic motivation—or enjoying a task because it’s interesting.

Making learning a duty, and attaching rewards and punishments to it, takes away a child’s natural excitement about accomplishment. Love of learning is lifelong; love of grades sometimes gets in the way.

For many kids, school learning is a source of anxiety and obligation rather than fun and rewarding. To help counter these feelings, let your children know you have confidence in their ability to learn and to do the work, and that you believe it’s important that they have a personal and social life outside of schoolwork. Let them know that you believe their grades aren’t as important as enjoying their work and feeling they are accomplishing something. Don’t offer rewards for “A”s or “B”s, 12

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as this only encourages kids to focus on the grades rather than on the learning.

What to do:

1. Help your children organize their study habits to cope with new challenges. Discuss a regular time and place to do their work and teach them (if the school hasn’t done so) to make a list of assignments and their due dates. Help them figure out how long each assignment will take, and which tasks they need to do first. It’s best to avoid monitoring your kids constantly, lecturing them or, of course, doing their work for them.

2. Let your children organize their schoolwork so that they feel comfortable with it. Different children study in different ways. Some need silence; some need music. Some need regular short breaks, others work for a long time and don’t like interruptions. Allow your children to study in the way which works best for them. Discourage kids from staying up past their bedIslandParent.ca

time to do schoolwork. Best to start homework early enough to get it done and have some relaxation time. If there’s too much work for the time available, you may need to intervene with the teachers as they may not be aware of the problem unless an adult lets them know. When children are teens, leave it up to them.

3. Stay positive. Children are already aware of what they can’t do. Give specific, encouraging feedback. Be careful not to take their accomplishments away from them by saying how proud you are. This is their responsibility; they can be proud for themselves.

4. Observe and support without smothering. Children can interpret too much attention as a lack of confidence in their abilities. Standing over them reinforces a belief that they aren’t capable. Remind them of what they do well.

5. Avoid letting yourself get impatient or angry. Step away and take a breath. Many parents find tutoring their own children to be extremely difficult because they are too close.

6. Watch your expectations. Do you perform your daily tasks consistently from day to day? Children are as susceptible to exhaustion from the daily grind as we are. Watch for signs of being tired, over-excited, recovering from illness, allergies, etc.

and make allowances. The pressure of working for someone who expects optimum performance at all times would be unbearable!

7. Determine how long your child can sit and do homework.

Allow for regular breaks.

As children mature, step back and let them learn, sometimes through failure. Best they learn these lessons while the lessons are cheap. Don’t underestimate the value of natural consequences. If your kids don’t study, they may fail a test. If they forget to do their homework, they might feel embarrassed or upset. Avoid saying, “I told you so” or trying to teach a lesson.

Natural consequences work best when you step back and simply offer understanding. While taking over the problem might come easy to you, it does nothing to support your child.

Like the rest of our children’s responsibilities, we teach, we support and then we pull back. This doesn’t mean we don’t care, just that we know what effective support really looks like.

Dr. Allison Rees is a parent educator, counsellor and coach at LIFE Seminars (Living in Families Effectively), lifeseminars.com.

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imaxvictoria.com

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August/September 2022

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M O M ’ S P OV

Why I Quit Being My Child’s Valet

I

listened to a podcast a few months ago that changed the way I approach parenting. The interview was with Lenore Skenazy who wrote an article in the New York Times titled “Why I let my 9-year-old ride the subway alone.” Her writing, along with her book Free-Range Kids, started what people now refer to as the “Anti-Helicopter” parent movement.

The interview highlighted the many ways that my mothering had actually prevented my kids from developing the life skills they need to be confident, independent and resilient. I wasn’t doing anything wrong per say—I was just doing too much.

Up until that point, I had driven my kids to school every day even though we live six blocks away, a simple 10-minute walk.

I carried my youngest son’s backpack from the car to the lineup where I waited with other parents until the teacher came to collect our kids. I’m reluctant to admit that in that backpack was the lunch I had made, the water bottle I had filled and the library books that were due.

My son, on the other hand, had done nothing that morning

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except get dressed, eat breakfast and supposedly brushed his teeth.

But I wasn’t alone. On the short drive to school, I never saw kids walking or biking on their own.

This was not the norm when I was growing up. I left the house alone every morning, walked to the bus stop and rode the school bus to school. Other than half-day kindergarten, I can’t remember a time when my parents dropped me off at school, let alone walked me into the classroom.

What is referred to nowadays as “free-range” was the norm for most of us who were born before 1985.

I’ve always felt nostalgic for my independent childhood and the freedom I had. This feeling combined with Lenore Skenazy’s insights into our new normal left me curious about why I did so much for my own kids.

I wasn’t fearful of them being alone outside of the house because I don’t share in the belief that there are more “bad people” in the world today. So, if I could get myself to school safely on my own as a child, why couldn’t my own kids?

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Mangosteen Giftboxes “The job of a parent is to work themselves out of a job.” – Holly Gates

It’s easy to assume that kids can’t do anything safely or successfully on their own today. Parenting experts, magazine articles and advertisers are telling parents how to plan the perfect play date, how to keep our kids safe from strangers and how to sticker-chart our way to success. Childhood anxiety seems to be more and more prevalent and while there are many factors that contribute to these complex emotions, it’s worth asking if empowerment of our kids could lead to greater confidence and resilience.

After the success of her article, Ms. Skenazy and others went on to create a non-profit organization called LetGrow. Their mission is to give parents, educators and communities the tools and confidence to step back so kids can step up. Their website is full of articles, workbooks and other free resources to support their mission of helping parents and kids.

The message of LetGrow resonated with me, so I started letting go.

I began with little things, such as making lunches but not filling the water bottles because my son was seven and capable of filling a cup with water and ice. (This seems so ludicrous to me now.)

I stopped reminding my kids about library day and if they forgot, the natural consequence was that they didn’t get to bring home a new book. Eventually we graduated to my 10-year-old and my 7-year-old walking to and from school every day. I cancelled the Valet service my kids had grown accustomed to.

These changes brought new challenges. The seven-year-old walked “annoyingly slow” according to his older sister. The rain was wet. Rocks were found in shoes. But they weren’t lured into a white van by a creepy degenerate with candy and they didn’t get lost or hit by a car.

This small act of walking to school allowed them to learn time-management, to use discretion and caution appropriately and to have some freedom. My children now go to two different schools and get themselves there and back every day. It’s not perfect. I still make their lunches, but we’re working on it.

We do things for our children because we love them and want them to have great lives. You wouldn’t be reading this article if you weren’t the engaged and loving parent that you are.

I believe that the most loving thing we can do for our kids today is to step back a little and trust that they have the ability to do certain things safely on their own.

A collection for Moms and Babies

Soft long sleeved onesie, multi use bib cloth and delightful book for newborns by acclaimed Inuit singer Celina Kulluk and illustrated by Alexandria Neonakis. Lavender citrus bathsalts, tea and pine scented tin candle are welcome treats for moms.

Packed in wooden baltic box with sliding lid.

www.mangosteengiftboxes.com

Sarah Seitz is a working mother, wife and writer. She spends her free time cutting off crusts and uses good coffee and humour to get through the day.

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August/September 2022

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LE A R N

Horsing Around

Getting to know horses on the Island

H

orses have a lot to teach us.

When people think of horses, horseback riding is the sole activity which comes to mind. It’s often limited to the pony rides at the local fair, riding lessons or a trail ride on vacation. Many don’t realize horse experiences come in many forms and we host a diversity right here on the Island.

There are activities that need zero horse experience, can be in or out of the saddle, hands-on or not, one-on-one or in a group, some are free, and many acknowledge horses as therapy animals. Many programs are inclusive, accessible and traumainformed. Did you know horses can read human emotions?

Riding is a small part of horsemanship but not the whole story. The full scope includes caring for horses, handling them safely, training, learning about their instincts, behaviour and communication. Horsemanship is relevant to all disciplines (for example, English or Western) and important for beginners to advanced and age doesn’t matter.

Here are a few unique horse experiences worth looking into:

Humble Hooves

What: Tam and Jason Merkens celebrate the human and horse connection at their horse rescue farm. With a team of volunteers, a herd of eight, and a focus beyond riding, they see the possibilities that can develop from transformative relation-

ships. “Our programs foster an environment of learning by utilizing horses as teachers, mentors and healers.”

Programs: They offer Equine-Assisted Learning and equineassisted wellness sessions. Kids and youth can also enjoy Horse Powered reading (horses are the facilitators!) and summer leadership camps. Humble Hooves also hosts private events—kid’s birthday parties or corporate events—and can customize a program for your group.

Where: Cobble Hill, BC Learn more: humblehooves.ca

Heart Lake Farm (HLF)

What: Founders/Directors Jess and Scott Lake created a home to equine-assisted services showcasing learning with horses and therapy with horses. There is no riding, and you won’t miss a thing!

Where: Saanichton, BC Programs: HLF offers Equine-Assisted Learning (EAL) led by trained facilitators. It’s an experiential learning program teaching essential life skills including communication, teamwork and leadership through group activities with horses. It’s possible to take a multi-week series or a one-day workshop.

HLF also works with mental health professionals. Sessions may be one-on-one or in small groups. One example of a small group program at HLF is an Indigenous Focusing-Oriented Therapy (IFOT)-informed group, and the Life Review program created at the UBC Centre for Group Counselling and Trauma (adapted to include horse work). Partnership examples include the Victoria Brain Injury Society (VBIS), WSÁNEC First Nations and Camosun College. Contact HLF if you represent a school, social service, or charitable organization interested providing unique learning experiences with horses. Group programs are funded and free.

Learn more: heartlakefarm.ca

Cowichan Therapeutic Riding Association (CTRA)

What: Cowichan Therapeutic Riding Association is a registered non-profit organization offering a range of therapeutic riding and equine-based wellness programs. CTRA serves as a hub of inclusion and catalyst for human potential, enriching the lives of countless individuals and supporting key social determinants of health in our community.

Where: Duncan, BC Programs: They offer therapeutic riding which provides physical, mental, and emotional benefits. Participants learn how to ride a horse and often have goals to develop mobility, balance, muscle tone and core strength. Other side effects include improving confidence, independence and social skills. It can be for fun or, some work towards competition in para-dressage. They also teach inclusive vaulting (aka gymnastics on horseback) and horsemanship.

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Victoria Therapeutic Riding Association (VTRA)

CTRA is powered by volunteers. Want to get your hands dirty in the barn and soak up good horse energy? They need folks to help groom horses and be a “side-walker.” Training is provided. Not a horsey person but want to support their work?

Check out the skills needed for their Board of Directors.

Therapeutic Riding uses horses to help people with various disabilities. Participants work with horses to achieve physical and mental health, and cognitive, behavioural, social and communication goals.

Learn more: ctra.ca

What: Victoria Therapeutic Riding Association is a registered charity with seven staff, 12 horses and over 250 volunteers. VTRA recognizes horseback riding as a therapeutic aid and serves more than 200 kids and adults with a diversity of equine-assisted activities. Their mission is to build individual capacity through human and horse teamwork.

Programs: VTRA teaches Adaptive or Therapeutic riding and Adaptive Driving programs. Driving means using a horsedrawn cart. They also host summer camps for kids and youth six to 20 years of age, offer affordable workshops (e.g. grooming, horse behaviour, horse body language and more) and have volunteer opportunities.

Where: Saanichton, BC Learn more: vtra.ca Lindsay Coulter is a writer, educator, facilitator, naturalist, community catalyst, soul activist, mentor and dedicated mother of two. She’s the Director of Communications, Culture and Community at EPIC Learning Centre, a forest and nature school in Victoria. Find her @SaneAction on Instagram and Facebook.

Cl as se

s Be g i n

Septem

STAGES

ber 6t h

Performing Arts School since 1980

sses l Cla o o S ch ls...

Pre - le ange e t im itt Day or the l f

Come Dance With Us

• Offering classes for Teens & Pre-Teens in Jazz, Ballet, Lyrical, Tap. Musical Theatre, Acrobatics & Hip Hop, in a non-competitive atmosphere.

• Not sure which class to take?

- Try a Drop-In: No hassle, No Obligation.

STAGES Performing Arts School #301 1551 Cedar Hill X Rd Call 250-384-3267 Email us at: stagesdance@shaw.ca Or visit our website: www.stagesdance.com IslandParent.ca

August/September 2022

17

PA R E NTI N G

Normalizing the Bad & the Ugly of Divorce

F

or a lot of people divorce is something to celebrate, an opportunity to start over and feel revitalized by the possibility of new opportunities.

Unfortunately, this is not how I felt, quite the opposite in fact. When my marriage ended, I felt such profound grief, anger, stress and, I admit it, much shame.

I am not sure if the stigma of being newly divorced was real or if I was just particularly self-conscious, but the fact that I became a single mom was a difficult adjustment for me. While it may be statistically true that over 50 percent of marriages end in divorce, I can also affirm that I have felt very alone throughout this process, the odd duck, lost in the sea of happy families around me.

To say that my divorce was an atomic bomb in my life would be an understatement. Suffice to say that it was rather unexpected, at least for me. Until then, I had truly believed that despite having some highs and lows, our marriage was solid enough and that we were happily raising three extraordinary daughters.

My belief in marriage can most likely be attributed to the people around me: my parents have been married for 49 years, my twin sister has been with her husband for 27 years already (and we are still spring chickens in my humble opinion so this number is staggeringly impressive), and even my younger sister just celebrated her 14th wedding anniversary. We are believers in the institution of marriage.

This is perhaps in part why the whole “divorced” label has been hard for me. I did not want to be in this situation and felt 18

Island Parent Magazine

such shame that I hid this massive life event from social media for years, preferring to let my distant acquaintances infer that my loving hubby had mysteriously and quietly disappeared from our life rather than change my status and publicly announce that I was now a divorcée. Trust me, it is taking a lot of courage and counselling to write so openly about the end of my marriage.

At the core, I felt like I had failed my children and, when I was feeling particularly raw—and maybe a tad dramatic—that somehow, I had ruined their entire lives. I felt guilt, a gutwrenching, wake-up-at-night kind of guilt. And whether this was founded in reality or not, I felt loss in every aspect of my life.

My kids would never again take part in a family picture shoot. They would no longer open presents with two sets of doting eyes to watch their every move. I felt like our family stories were lost, and our traditions and routines were forever changed. It was overwhelming.

Beyond the fact that I was obviously dealing with massive trauma-like emotions, I sometimes wonder if my difficulty in adjusting to my new reality may also have been exacerbated by a whole host of societal systems that continue to promote the venerable institution of marriage, especially in the parenting world, and to depict divorce in an unduly superficial way.

I did a quick Google search of some parenting magazines and found the number of articles that talk about divorced parents are staggeringly low. So low that one could say that they are nonexistent, except for the occasional article about how to coparent successfully or the occasional advice column with tips on how to find a good lawyer (how one can possibly afford said lawyer is rarely addressed).

And yet, despite this dearth of acknowledgement in the media on how hard it can be to navigate divorce, I know that I cannot be the only one who has had to grapple with some of the challenges that come with being a single-parent. Even filling out a registration form for extra-curricular activities has become an ordeal for us. Usually there is only one spot for contact information/pick-up information, and yet for our kids there were suddenly two of everything.

Weekends and holidays can be particularly difficult. It is not easy to see families riding their bikes down the street when you are without your children. Sure, it is nice to sleep in a bit and have the house stay clean for a bit longer than the nano-second it usually takes to mess it up again, but sometimes it almost feels like I am childless, a much-too-young empty-nester. Not spending Halloween with my kids two years in a row has certainly caused me to eat far too many candies on my own.

The challenges of co-parenting are undoubtedly what I was most unprepared for. Like the professional and competent person I thought I was pre-divorce, I read all the articles I could find expounding the importance of communication, about IslandParent.ca

remaining close friends and putting the kids first. The problem was that once again, my reality did not come close to this Pollyanna version of divorce.

For me, co-parenting has been near impossible, a way to truly become aware of why our marriage failed, and how diametrically opposite our values and morals are. This too made me feel such shame because I again felt as though I was the only one facing the daily hurdles of making co-parenting decisions with someone who refused to communicate. I seethed alone as I learned to accept that my children were sleeping on the living room floor at a “new” friend’s place rather than in the safe cocoon of the home I had made. I felt total rage, profound sadness and powerlessness when obliged to parent with an ex who went from loving me to hating me at Mach speed.

In my experience, co-parenting can be hell, both on your stomach lining and your bank balance, as you navigate a legal system that charges $300 an hour to get you through the absurdly complex and emotionally taxing divorce process.

I am now on the other side of the hill. I am in the camp of saying that much happiness can come out of a divorce. Finding a new supportive and loving partner or seeing my kids relax after witnessing years of tension are but a few gifts that my postmarriage life has granted. My experience has shown me, too, that there can be so much shame and difficulty in navigating a world that is still built around the idea of a homogenous family unit and that amicable divorces are always possible if one puts in enough effort. I am proof that even with the best intentions, a divorce can be a source of much conflict and tension.

Although I am now one of the post-divorce (much) happier people, I am still conscious of those around us who may be hurt, scared, lost, sad, overwhelmed and alone as they ride the newly divorced single-parent roller-coaster and possibly encounter similar experiences to mine. Maybe if we were collectively more aware of the dark side of divorce, and talked more openly about the emotions and very real challenges that divorcés face daily, normalized mono-parental families in magazines, ads, and shows, we would help them get back on their feet faster than if we continue to pretend that everyone is in a great marriage with their 2.2 children and picket fence or experiencing a joyfully cooperative divorce.

I, for one, know that a more honest, rounded depiction of divorce would have helped me feel less alone and less shame as I grappled with my perceived double-failure at being happily married and harmoniously divorced.

Jeanne Petit-Humphries is a mom of three children, an educator, a writer AND a divorcée. She is learning to embrace all aspects of her life from the (mostly) wonderfully good to the (occasionally) terribly ugly.

IslandParent.ca

August/September 2022

19

DA D S PE A K

The ‘Hairdryer Mama’

A

natural holistic approach to parenting.

At least that was our plan when left Victoria for our home in Ucluelet with our brand-new baby girl, Bronwyn, and a truck full of her belongings. We had as few unnecessary plastics as we could manage.

Everyone came together to lend a hand to the new and incompetent parents. Seriously, everyone was there to help. I’m not too sure who introduced a hairdryer to the list of musthaves, but somehow it ended up in her pile.

For the first six weeks the hairdryer served as a tool to dry her bum—from a safe distance, of course—after a diaper change to stave off diaper rash. Then the hairdryer presented a new service. It started to beat out all of my bedtime tricks: shushing, rocking and singing.

The “hairdryer mama” as it was now called had taken its place as the second-in-command for bedtimes; first, of course, is real Mama, third is Dadda. Sure, it would be nice to put your baby to sleep with a calm and reassuring fatherly voice singing soft lullabies in a rocking chair, but if you’ve tried that exact thing along with everything else and she still won’t sleep…do what works, I say.

Okay, so I might have taken it a little too far with the cordless battery-powered hairdryer I ordered online but I don’t regret it. Many a cold and stormy night we could have been 20

Island Parent Magazine

seen wandering the empty streets of Ucluelet, Bronwyn on the front under a ski jacket happily sleeping in her carrier, and me strolling along with a secret hairdryer hanging out of my back pocket for emergencies. Chalk it up to the white noise of the fan and the warm rushing air on her face. I’m not even kidding, I’ve had her fall asleep in my arms under—yes, from a safe distance and way under—the stationary hairdryers in public restrooms—she loves them.

I wish I knew how this story ends, but after 10 months, the hairdryer still plays a critical role in bedtime. My partner won’t use it on her, preferring a more natural approach. I want to get there someday, too, but it’s going to be a bit more of a journey.

It’s all a new adventure and mistakes are learned from. No one ever says to you while you’re holding a newborn: “Careful you don’t get lazy and aim a hairdryer at her face to get her to sleep or she will develop some sort of hairdryer dependency.” I have no useful advice for any parent. Live and learn, and what a beautiful journey it is.

Jesse Blaine is a dad on the west coast. He loves his family and his dog. He can’t wait to show his daughter everything. He lives in the ocean and he works as little as he can.

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GRAND Vol. V, Ed. III

grandmag.ca

The Importance of Building Community Gifts for Nature-Loving Grandkids

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The Magic of Small August/September 2022

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GRANDparenting

So You Want to Be a Grandparent?!

A no-nonsense job description

T

here really ought to be a job description for grandparenting so people know exactly what they’re getting into. Sure, we’ve all been parents, so we’ve done this before, right? But I’m here to tell you that when you add another 20 or 30 years, it’s a whole other ball game!

little grandchildren they so desire? Well, I’ve put together the following “job description” to shed some light.

Job Summary:

Seeking highly motivated individual to provide quality babysitting services for young child(ren) along with unconditional love and a steadfast ally. Responsibilities include general supervision, meals, field trips, overnights and occasional vacation relief.

Hours of Work:

• Varied; including days, evenings and weekends.

• Must be on-call at a moment’s notice.

• May be asked to cover extended periods of time (vacation relief).

Essential Qualifications (not in ranked order):

Susan Gnucci is a local author and a proud “nonna” to two young grandsons.

She enjoys sharing her experiences as a grandparent.

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For one thing, I would bet most parents don’t really remember much about those early years when their children were very young. And it’s no wonder as most of them were probably chronically sleep deprived. Those years with my own children are basically a blur. I remember very little other than my own desire to catch some sleep whenever and wherever possible.

And even though we are supposedly older and wiser as we age, one’s energy reserves unfortunately aren’t what they used to be.

What was easy to do at age 25 can seem pretty daunting at 55! That’s just a simple fact of life.

So what should potential grandparents be aware of when contemplating those

The successful candidate must have the ability to: • Give horsey and piggy back rides while a squirming, wriggling toddler bounces on your back, simultaneously pulling on your ears and ruthlessly kicking you in the ribs.

• Crawl around on your hands and knees for extended periods of time on all surfaces including (but not limited to) carpet, linoleum, tile, gravel, grass and sand.

• Produce a wide variety of voices for different characters when telling or reading stories (i.e. those for knights, witches, wizards, magical beasts, trolls, ogres, etc).

• Re-read the SAME favourite books over and over and over and over and over.

• Sit through hours of cartoons, children’s shows and G-rated movies and pretend that you like them.

• Be an expert at the triage of minor cuts, scrapes and splinters (more commonly referred to as “owies” or “booboos”), displaying an excellent bedside manner that will instantly calm/soothe any hysterically sobbing child.

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Make a

lasting impact for amputees

• Make a plethora of sound effects including those of animals, weather, vehicles, bodily functions, etc.

• Contort one’s face into endless silly expressions in order to get a laugh.

• Be able to provide nutritious snacks that children will not turn their nose up at, make a face at, throw on the floor, dump out or decorate a younger sibling with.

• Cajole, flatter, exaggerate, bribe or otherwise elicit cooperation by any means necessary.

• Draw realistic representations of people and objects on command.

• Possess the artistic ability of shaping food into recognizable objects so that it will be readily consumed, expertly hiding or disguising “healthy” ingredients.

• Permit all manner of kicking and splashing in the bathtub while sea monsters are subdued.

• Provide oodles of cuddles, preferably in a big, comfy rocking chair.

• Be brave enough to check for monsters under the bed, in the closet or in any hidey-hole as directed.

• Possess the patience of a saint to follow complicated instructions (requiring an engineering degree at a minimum) for the assembly of most children’s toys. Or, alternately, magically put together children’s toys with only sparse, incomplete or even non-existent instructions.

• Employ the skills of both an acrobat (gracefully dismount from a bed without causing the springs to protest) and a cat burglar (stealthily creep out of a room) when putting a child to bed.

• Recite dozens of nursery rhymes and children’s songs off the top of one’s head.

• Change a messy diaper while expertly distracting the non-cooperative wearer who is ceaselessly contorting their body to thwart your efforts.

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23

Explore

The Magic of Small I f you’ve ever tried to hike with a preschooler, you know how quickly objectives can diverge. The child wants to stop and observe every interesting rock or twig along the path—sometimes every blade of grass! The time-conscious adult, on the other hand, has a destination in mind—one that won’t be reached until next Thursday at the current speed.

As a young mother, I was all too often the impatient adult in the above scenario.

I like to think I’m a little wiser now that I’m a grandmother, holding my expectations loosely, slowing to match the start and stop pace of the significantly smaller humans in my company. After all, there are rich discoveries to be made at this level of observation: tiny pink wildflowers, lichen with the texture of dragon skin, industrious ants going about their business—treasures I would have overlooked in my haste to get to a particular viewpoint. It turns out engrossed grandchildren are the ultimate Zen teachers: the journey really is the destination.

Given their acute eyesight and the fact that their line of vision is so close to the

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ground, it’s not surprising that young children are fascinated by small things like insects and leaves. In fact, collecting information about the world and how it works is one of a preschooler’s primary jobs, so it only makes sense that they would be riveted by the intricate textures and minute details that most adults overlook or have come to take for granted.

Small objects and creatures are the perfect subjects for study. Their miniature size makes them accessible, allowing them to be cupped in small hands, or observed at close range from a crouch.

If you’ve spent any time in a preschooler’s company, you’ll know that it’s not just small objects from the natural world that keep them enthralled. Preschoolers are drawn to miniatures of all kinds— and that comes with many benefits according to social scientists who study and work with children. As small humans in a big world, playing with tiny animals, people, furniture, etc. gives young children a sense of control and agency. It allows them a safe place to express emotion and to act out through play what they’re

learning and observing around them. Beyond the emotional and creative benefits, miniature play also builds finger dexterity and fine motor skills.

Of course you don’t need manufactured toys to get the benefit of miniature play. According to my kindergartenteacher daughter, “loose parts” are highly valued in early childhood education these days. Loose parts refer to small found or collected objects like stones, buttons or seashells that can be used alone, in collection or combined with other materials in endless creative ways. Via a child’s imagination, an individual stone can become an animal or a person, while an acorn may be used as an ingredient in a tasty make-believe soup. In the same child’s hands, a collection of sticks and leaves can be transformed into an entire miniature village. In many ways small natural objects are the perfect toys, costing nothing, easily replaceable, while encouraging high-level creativity, innovation and collaboration.

One recent weekend morning, my two four-year-old granddaughters and I slipped on our boots and went outside to engage in some miniature play: on this IslandParent.ca

Celebrating 25 Years of Conservation

occasion, to make a tiny fairy garden.

I wasn’t sure what we’d find when we started looking, but it didn’t take long to see that we were surrounded by a wealth of suitable materials. Cheerful yellow buttercups. Hot pink salmonberry blossoms. Tiny snail shells. Bright green fir and cedar tips. Uncurling ferns, waxy salal leaves and grasses gone to seed.

Time fell away as we made new discoveries and positioned each treasure “just so” on the stone step that held our tiny garden. Before setting them in their proper place, we carefully examined each new addition. The closer we looked, the more wondrous detail we found. I was impressed by my granddaughters’ focus as we compared grass seedheads, contemplated the geometry of fiddleheads and marvelled at the complexity of wildflowers. I would happily have spent half the day helping them make additions to our little tableau, but our playtime was interrupted by the call to breakfast.

The fairy garden wasn’t my first foray into miniature play with my grandchildren, and it certainly won’t be my last.

Each tiny seascape at the beach, each mini stone village on a riverbank or twig house in the roots of a tree, is a new creative adventure. And truth be told, I think I have as much fun as they do!

Rachel Dunstan Muller is a children’s author, storyteller, podcaster and grandmother.

You can find her two podcasts Hintertales: Stories from the Margins of History and Sticks and Stones and Stories through her website at racheldunstanmuller.com, or wherever you normally get your podcasts.

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Contiguous to critical protected areas, Creekside Rainforest is 15.5 acres of Salt Spring Island’s coastal temperate rainforest and salmonbearing Cusheon Creek. You can support B.C.’s biological diversity today by donating to protect Creekside Rainforest and the species-at-risk that rely on this special ecosystem.

To make your tax deductible gift today call 1-877-485-2422 or visit www.conservancy.bc.ca

IS THIS YOU?

Island Parent is always looking for people who want to tell their stories and join our team: publisher@islandparent.ca

Get your kids into the beautiful game Fall registration for youth soccer is now open! Find your nearest club at lowerislandsoccer.com August/September 2022

25

GRANDparenting

The Importance of Building Community A Emma Eaton spends her working days at the SHOAL Centre, in Sidney BC. The SHOAL Centre is operated by a local charity, Beacon Community Services. Beacon has been delivering social programs to help, empower and improve lives within the Greater Victoria Region since 1974. For information about programs that support seniors to safely live independently call 250-656-5537 and ask to speak with the coordinator of the Better at Home program.

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Island Parent Magazine

sense of belonging. As a basic principle of human nature, this is a feeling we all want to have, no matter what age we are. Life often passes quicker than we anticipate. Feelings consume our lives. The migration to old age can be a hard thing to wrap your head around and to accept—until you reach that point of no return. However, having a sense of worth, as well as people who support your journey, make this transition worthwhile.

Thanks to the pandemic, modern society’s course shifted drastically in the past two and half years. Families and friends distanced in great numbers, fearful of contracting an unpredictable illness.

This has taken a toll on everyone. For the senior population, it manifested in an unfortunate loss of basic human interac-

tion...if they weren’t already experiencing it before. Although we knew the importance of “connections,” it wasn’t until we were more or less cut off from them that we all found out how absolutely vital they are.

However, the knowledge we’ve gained from this experience has given us valuable insight on how to reach out and make sure seniors in our community are connected and feeling worthwhile.

As we age, quality of life can decline or become more challenging to manage.

The support of those around us becomes more of a necessity: ironically, to stay independent, we may actually need to be a bit more dependent in some areas of our life. The spirit can’t help but feel a bit overwhelmed by the scenario.

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That’s why engagement is so important; it’s a kindness to the mind. Community is an incredible buffer. Socialization and the continuation of relationships (old and new!) help to create an overall sense of wellness and connection. The National Institute on Aging has extensive research showing that isolation and loneliness are linked to a higher risk of cognitive decline and Alzheimer’s disease.

Maximizing social capital and interactions therefore help mobilize a better commonality and strengthen a populace.

Joining a local community centre, volunteering, taking part in a fitness class or another group activity…these are opportunities to make meaningful connections.

Additionally, such forms of gathering provide some “extra eyes and ears” on individuals who may not otherwise have the means to cope with their current situation. Oftentimes, people have lost a

spouse or live far away from immediate family. Contacts that are outside their usual scope can be critically important.

Word of mouth, volunteerism, spending time with people in similar situations all assist in the endeavour to remain healthy.

In recognition of the importance of healthy aging, community supportive programs have been purposefully created. In most municipalities, there are many resources available. You’ll often find a comradery among individuals who are working towards making the lives of those around them better. As people age out of their careers and retire, many hunger for something meaningful to fill their time. Volunteering has a huge capacity for that exact effect: fulfillment.

The sense of gratification which volunteering provides can also help people forge a powerful connection to where they live. Within a circle of people, it cre-

ates a network of carrying through and doing what needs to be done. Things like rides to medical appointments, group support programs, grocery shopping and help around the house—all have immense value to those who are in need and likewise to volunteers delivering these supportive services.

These activities help mobilize a greater sense of thriving, no matter which side of the spectrum you are on. It’s a feeling of support around you. The importance of building community as you age is reflected in better health, well-being, security and most importantly the feeling that we are being looked after by one another. In other words, in a world and at a time where isolation is increasingly common, getting a good dose of community is a prescription for better living and positive aging!

Create a Legacy & Let Your Love Live On You have the power to make a lasting difference and help children and adults with disabilities through some of life’s most difficult challenges.

After you've provided for your loved ones, please consider a gift in your Will for Easter Seals BC & Yukon. No matter the size, every gift helps.

Please call or email Emma at 604-873-1865 ext. 423 or eliffen@eastersealsbcy.ca to learn how your gift can make a difference.

Create your legacy now, and change lives in years to come.

IslandParent.ca

August/September 2022

27

Shop

Gifts for Nature-loving Grandkids

D

id you get “the talk” yet from your child? It’s when they express only zero-waste, plastic-free, fair-trade and non-toxic gifts are okay for the grandkids!

Youth today are inheriting a wounded world. And many of them know it. You may have also received a lecture from a fiveyear old about Nutella and how harvest of the ingredient palm oil harms orangutans.

Childhood deserves celebration. Grandparents play a crucial role to support a child to feel known, significant and experience a sense of belonging. Don’t underestimate the power and need for time with you. Give the gift of experiences with gifts ideas to build connection with the living world: Pond or tide pool dipping: Visit a local pond, creek or intertidal zone.

Gift: Dip net (buy anywhere that sells fish aquarium supplies) and a white tub or bucket (white creates the best contrast to see critters). To identify intertidal life, I recommend the one page, laminated Marine Life of British Columbia by David S. Young.

Source it from School House Supplies in downtown Victoria or Shaw Centre for the Salish Sea. I also recommend A Field Guide to Crabs of the Pacific Northwest by Gregory C. Jensen and A Field Guide to Seaweeds of the Pacific Northwest by Dr. Bridgette Clarkson.

Rockhounding: Beaches are the easiest but interesting geological formations are also found inland throughout Vancouver Island.

Gift: A Field Guide to the Identification of Pebbles by Eileen Van der Flier Keller. Produced by Harbour Publishing, this is a perfect beginner guide for the whole family! A magnifying glass also makes a great addition.

Birding or whale watching: Enjoy local backyard birding or take a trip to the park. How lucky are we that whale species like Orcas and Greys are spotted from Vancouver Island shorelines or the ferry?

Gift: Binoculars! In my experience children as young as 8 can take good care of a decent pair of binos (with help). Don’t buy a cheap toy set. They are always disappointing, quick to break and end up in the landfill.

Owl prowl: With parental permission, blow bedtime and go for a stroll at dusk. You can stick to the sidewalk along forest edges or try it on the next family camping trip. Hint: Owls are quite vocal mid-March to May. Do try it in the winter when it’s dark earlier!

Gift: LED Armband lights from Mountain Equipment Co-op.

These snap on the ankle or arm and take a watch-sized battery.

They offer great visibility and durability.

Snack and story: Cuddle among the trees for some quality time.

Did you know swinging helps kids regulate emotions and helps them focus? They offer many developmental and therapeutic benefits, especially for kids with sensory processing disorders. It’s also fun!

Gift: Hammock’s are affordable, long lasting and easy to hang in the yard or campsite.

Gift: Tree swing! There are so many shapes, styles and price ranges. Survey the kids in the neighbourhood or notice what style is being used the most. I’m partial to the flying saucer style.

Animal tracking: After a fresh snow or rain, invite a child on a hike to search for animal sign like scrapes, rubs, tracks or scat (poop).

Gift: Choose an animal tracking book or identification guide local to your area. Did you know deer scat looks like chocolate covered raisins compared to elk which are more Hershey kisses shaped? (Binoculars and magnifying glass can come in handy on these outings.)

Carving and whittling: Doesn’t everyone try this at some point in their childhood? It’s a rite of passage.

Gift: Vegetable peeler or knife (Mora companion knife is kidsized). Depending on their age and skill, start with a vegetable peeler. It’s a great low risk way to teach safety skills before graduating to a knife. I recommend supervision and safe storage of the gift! (Because even a vegetable peeler can remove strips from your favourite solid wood dining room chairs.) Find a carving class to take together. Or add a book about wood carving for kids.

Note: Check with a parent before any purchase. Many of these items are easily shipped if you live far away.

Lindsay Coulter is a writer, educator, facilitator, naturalist, community catalyst, soul activist, mentor and dedicated mother of two. She’s the Director of Communications, Culture and Community at EPIC Learning Centre, a forest and nature school in Victoria. Find her @SaneAction on Instagram and Facebook.

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August/September 2022

29

PA R E NTI N G

The Struggle to Stay Whole

L

ast winter, I went to the Yoko Ono exhibit at the Vancouver Art Gallery. I went into the exhibit expecting to learn about the Beatles, the 60s and a woman whose story was probably overshadowed by the rock star she married. But one of the first things that struck me in the exhibit was that Ms. Ono had brought her 5-year-old daughter Kyoko to the “bed-ins for peace.”

It hadn’t occurred to me that Ms. Ono might have been a mother, and a fairly new one at that, when she met John Lennon and went on a public crusade to create art and promote world peace.

I wondered—like I often do when I find out successful women have children—about the “shadow life” behind the scenes, what isn’t in photographs.

What are all the pieces the mother is frantically balancing behind the scenes?

Who else is silently stepping in to pick up the pieces? Where are the meltdowns, the pep talks, the hunts for the lost stuffy, the macaroni and cheese orders?

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Was there a nanny whose work didn’t make it into the history books? Did Kyoko like traveling and being in the press? How did this affect her? Was John the stepparent she needed? And for Ms. Ono, what complicated emotions came up when she made choices for her art, for her family, for John? What were all the things she knew John could not possibly understand as she navigated her new life in the public eye while being a mom?

As I wandered through the exhibit wondering about the layers of motherhood that lay behind the videos, the photos and the paintings, I remembered my grandmother, a watercolour artist, teaching me about positive space and negative space—the main subject and what lies between. I searched for motherhood expecting it to be hidden behind the scenes, but Ms. Ono had brought it to the forefront. She had taken something that is often invisible for famous women and brought it into the light. As part of the exhibit, Ms. Ono invited gallery visitors to describe their mothers. They reflected on being mothered. Visitors wrote their thoughts on post it notes: You loved me without question or reservation.

My mom lost herself to have me. I love her.

My mom is a blanket. Warm, tattered, and safe.

The last one struck me. A blanket is a good metaphor for what one wants from a mother—to feel embraced with warmth and comfort. One does not want a mom who is a stormy day, a windy hike up Mt Doug or even an invigorating sail in the Salish Sea. Mothers are meant to be safe, warm places, just like a duvet that provides solace before drifting off to sleep. And yet, blankets are best when they’re broken in, when they are soft from wear, when the new smell has been replaced with memories of movie watching, cuddling and winter nights in front of the fire. But are they best tattered?

As a mother, I feel like parenting is a constant battle against getting tattered, against losing the essence of who I am

in the face of making peanut butter sandwiches, fighting protests about getting pants on, swim class registration deadlines and a sore back from all those times my daughter says “uppy!” even though she can walk perfectly well. It’s laughing on the living room floor as we take selfies but also resisting the primal urge to rest at 3am when my daughter yells at me to readjust her blankets. It’s wanting to write, or study, or watch movies after she’s in bed only to have to wash the many dishes we accumulated during a food colouring experiment. It’s “I love you to the moon!” and “You’re my favourite mommy” but also being surprised every Monday morning by just how relaxing checking my emails over a hot cup of coffee can be after a fun-filled weekend of swimming and playgrounds and buckling and unbuckling my daughter in and out of the car seat and driving around until she naps at exactly the right time.

Since having my daughter, I often feel tattered. Especially first thing when I wake up, longing for more sleep, and look in the mirror in shock at my puffy eyes and ever-expanding wrinkles. But if I am warm and safe like a blanket, does being tattered matter? At least does it matter to 3-year-old? Probably not. But it matters to me.

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That’s why I came to this exhibit alone. That’s why I risk Covid to go to the gym. That’s why I try to harness my village so I can sit in a coffee shop and collect myself. But it’s hard; some tattering is inevitable.

I’m sure Ms. Ono felt this, as relaxed as she looked in the photos.

Perhaps that is why she took her daughter out of school to join rock stars and live in hotels and promote world peace. Maybe that was part her fight against tatteredness. Her fight to stay whole.

Perhaps your reprieve comes through expensive coffee or YouTube Yoga or posting funny videos on TikTok. Maybe it’s a big project at work, a phone call with an old friend or redecorating the nursery. However big or small, it matters.

At times, motherhood may be the primary subject of our lives, but it is not the whole picture. The other parts of ourselves deserve attention as well. They aren’t just the space in between; they are our ammunition in the fight to stay whole.

Julie Mais is a policy and communications professional in Victoria. She looks for beauty in the everyday through writing, photography and the outdoors. She lives in a messy, cheesefilled home with her husband and preschooler.

IslandParent.ca

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vcm.bc.ca/course-calendar August/September 2022

31

H E A LTH

Emergency Supplies to Have On-Hand

Healthy Families, Happy Families

Child, Youth & Family Public Health South Island Health Units

Esquimalt Gulf Islands

250-519-5311 250-539-3099

Peninsula Saanich Saltspring Island Sooke Victoria West Shore

250-544-2400 250-519-5100 250-538-4880 250-519-3487 250-388-2200 250-519-3490

(toll-free number for office in Saanichton)

Central Island Health Units

Duncan Ladysmith Lake Cowichan Nanaimo Nanaimo Princess Royal Parksville/Qualicum Port Alberni Tofino

250-709-3050 250-755-3342 250-749-6878 250-755-3342 250-739-5845 250-947-8242 250-731-1315 250-725-4020

North Island Health Units

Campbell River Courtenay Kyuquot Health Ctr ‘Namgis Health Ctr Port Hardy

250-850-2110 250-331-8520 250-332-5289 250-974-5522 250-902-6071

islandhealth.ca/our-locations/ health-unit-locations Changes with BC Medical Services Plan premiums mean that families eligible for partial payment of some medical services and access to some income-based programs now must apply for Supplementary Benefits through the Government of BC. Applications can be done online and take approximately 15 minutes.

Families who previously qualified for MSP Premium Assistance should not need to re-apply if taxes are completed yearly. It is advised to confirm coverage before proceeding with treatment to avoid paying out of pocket.

For more information, visit gov.bc.ca/gov/ content/health/health-drug-coverage/msp/ bc-residents/benefits/services-covered-bymsp/supplementary-benefits

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Island Parent Magazine

W

hile a grab-and-go bag is important, not all disasters will require evacuation. You may need to shelter in your home without electricity, potable water or a working sewage system. Your house may sustain damage that requires repair, such as broken windows, leaks in the roof or build-up of debris. Therefore, it is wise to keep supplies in your home to support you and your family to live in emergency situations for at least three weeks: food and water; alternate lighting, shelter and heating; and basic home repair items. Here are some detailed suggestions.

Type & Location of Home Kit

• Portable supplies should be kept near an exit, for example, in a coat closet.

• Use a waterproof or airtight container or store supplies in plastic bags within one or two easy-to-carry containers (e.g., clean trash can on wheels, duffle bag, suitcase or backpack).

• Avoid storing supplies on concrete floors that can cause humidity to build up and increase corrosion of cans.

• If you have a camper or trailer, consider what emergency supplies you already have in it.

Items for the Home Kit

• face masks, alcohol-based hand sanitizer • several candles, large flashlights • first-aid kit • additional clothing • food, water and cooking supplies (see below) • generator and additional fuel • garden hose for siphoning and fire fighting • emergency sanitation and toilet

Items for Home Repairs

• broom(s) and shovel(s) for removing debris • tarps, hacksaw, axe, crowbar; wrench to shut off gas and water valves • sheets of plywood for urgent repairs • vapour barrier to cover broken windows, seal holes in the exterior walls or

seal an interior room for warmth • hammer, screwdriver, nails and screws

Items for Sheltering

• sleeping bags, cots and air mattresses • tent or tarp to set up a tent indoors or close off a room to maintain body heat in one area during cold weather • firewood, if you have a wood stove or fireplace

Food

It is difficult to predict how much food you will need for emergencies and how difficult it will be to replenish your supply, so it is best to stock more than you expect to need. To determine the right quantity, track your family’s consumption for a week and aim for three times that amount. Stockpile by buying extra items when things come on sale, keeping extra food in the cupboards and replacing it once consumed. In an emergency, limit food intake because healthy people can get by with much less food than normal if needed.

Aim for foods that: • your family enjoys • require a minimum of cooking, preparation, fuel, refrigeration and water • do not increase thirst • accommodate your dietary needs • have a long shelf life • are high in calories and nutrition Suggestions: • canned beans, lentils, legumes • marinated or canned vegetables • canned fruit, soup, pasta, chili • quick-cooking dried noodles, rice, oatmeal • protein bars, dried fruit, nuts, crackers • tea, coffee, powdered milk, spices, peanut butter • dehydrated meals or ready-to-eat foods, such as those purchased at camping stores • comfort foods like candies and gum For cooking: • Include an alternative cooking source in your kit (candle warmer, fondue pot, camping stove or charcoal grill).

IslandParent.ca

hygiene. This adds up to a total of 3–6 litres per person, per day, including what’s needed for drinking.

Monitor your family’s water consumption during a few days at home to make your own estimate.

If Something Goes Wrong

Disasters are unpredictable, but if you take the steps outlined here to prepare your home, your immediate needs will be taken care of, and you will be able to focus on keeping everyone safe.

• Keep your barbecue tank full and have two full propane tanks on hand— propane supplies will run out quickly during a disaster.

Cooking supplies to include in your kit: • manual can opener, utility knife • ladle, spoons, forks, knives, bowls, plates, cups (collapsible cups and bowls are handy) • waterproof matches • oven mitt • collapsible dishwashing container (can also be used for personal hygiene) • dish detergent, pot scrubber, bleach

Water

We cannot live without water! You need at least a 7-day supply of water (aim for three weeks). For each person, each day, international guidelines recommend having 2–3 litres of drinking water, 2–6 litres for personal hygiene and 3–6 litres for cooking.

Individual needs vary and most people don’t normally drink as much as the guidelines suggest, maybe needing only 1–2 litres per day. Depending on the foods you include in your kit, you may need only 1–2 litres per person each day for cooking and the same for personal

Kim Fournier, CD, MA, is a disaster and emergency management specialist, author, and instructor with a wealth of expertise gained during 30+ years in disaster management, community resilience and health, emergency response, Canadian military and international operations.

Visit Kim at kimfournier.com or get your copy of The 7 Steps to Emergency Preparedness for Families: A Practical and Easy-to-Follow Guide to Prepare for Any Disaster.

Fall is fun with City of Victoria

recreation programs! skateboarding lessons pro-d day camps youth nights engineering swim lessons skating dance music more...

CHECK THE WEBSITE FOR PROGRAM REGISTRATION STARTING AUGUST 22 LEARN MORE AND REGISTER: victoria.ca/recreation

IslandParent.ca

August/September 2022

33

E X PLO R E

(RV) Camping with Twins Plus One A summertime experience to remember

F

rom the moment we found out we were having twins, I had a preconceived notion that we wouldn’t be doing much anymore.

Late in the pregnancy, I remember taking our older son Hudson out for dinner and thinking “This is it. Likely our last enjoyable supper of freedom. It will never look or feel like this again.”

Fast forward nearly two years later and I was right. Nothing is ever easy anymore and it’s usually always a complete spectacle to do anything out in public.

It’s become all that I know, though. As twin +1 parents we have to constantly keep tabs on six arms, six legs and three very mobile strong-willed bodies. It’s a lot—all of it—but what I’ve come to realize is that for every one of our challenges comes equal parts reward.

That’s how I feel about our recent camping trip to Hornby Island, BC. It’s a place I grew up visiting almost every summer with friends, enjoying every ounce of its laidback tropical vibe without a care or responsibility in the world.

Hornby is peaceful, calm, cool and collected. It’s where my husband and I first travelled to in our early days of dat34

Island Parent Magazine

ing. We had set up a tent at the oceanside campsite and blissfully floated away on the crystal-clear shallow blue waters.

The island holds an immense sentimental value and so I thought that this would be the year to go again and celebrate my husband’s birthday—with the support of my dad—as it was Father’s Day too! So we rented an RV, we had grandpa’s extra hands and we had the ambition. I will say I definitely braced myself for work and set my standards quite low for any form of relaxation. I don’t think anything could have prepared us for what was to come, though.

Getting there wasn’t so bad. It’s a few hours’ drive and two small ferries to arrive at this paradise, all while being firsttimers towing a large sleeps-six trailer.

The twins had their nap and we got there at a good time and lucked out with beautiful weather for the majority of our stay.

Our home base was the same campsite as always—the one with two-minute loonie showers and outhouses for bathrooms. It’s only a short walk away from the stunning Tribune Bay Beach so I was all for roughing it on a budget.

The hardest part of trip? Taking all of the chaos and stress from home and seemingly amplifying it in one-sixteenth of the space. It was a humbling challenge not for the faint of heart, each and every one of the five nights, six days.

It was meals eaten on the ground. It was endless diapers. It was a questionable-family-hygiene-type of animalistic vacationing.

The biggest fail of the trip? Not bringing the twins’ travel beds along. My husband said there wasn’t room—and while this did seem true—they turned out to be crucial.

In place of the pack-and-plays was a lower bunk bed with a makeshift rail guard enclosure for the twins to sleep

together. My daughter figured out how to break out of that after the first few sleepless nights of adjustment.

We never knew if she was finally asleep, or if she was standing up in the trailer walking around like a little ghost in her sleep sack. Eventually the twins found their rhythm and cuddled up together. This was the first time they’d done this, other than newborn naps, and the visual made everything worth it. It was the sweetest thing.

The most important realization of the trip? Not having thought through safe containment (for sanity) or ideas for daily distraction.

I spent way too much time thinking about meals and snacks and not enough communicating with my husband about how each day would go for entertainment, how they would eat their meals and what to do for naps. An octagon enclosure saved us—and so did the beautiful beach—but we could have done so much more to prepare for how each day would look. You live and learn I guess.

The best part of the trip?

I got closer with my dad and was able to see him in such a different light, helping out with our children in a different atmosphere. The twins finally got to experience something so different than their usual daycare and bedtime routine in a post-lockdown world. Their eyes lit up in a way I’ll never forget.

Our family of five once again grew through taking on a new challenge and coming out more knowledgeable and resilient on the other side. The goal was to have a family experience and create some lasting memories—and we did just that.

We sailed back home with something that far exceeded what I ever could have envisioned.

Next time, though, I won’t go anywhere without those travel beds.

Natasha Mills is a twin mom of three residing on the island now for nearly 30 years. She has found a creative outlet in documenting the real moments of parenthood—the relatable highs and challenging lows. She has also found a passion in writing her experience of motherhood and connecting with many like-minded parents in her community and abroad. @mommamillsblog IslandParent.ca

PRESCHOOL&CHILDCAREDIRECTORY Victoria & Area

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IslandParent.ca

August/September 2022

35

K I DS ’ R E A DS

ABC Learning Books Are for Me

S

chool is just about back in session—summer goes so fast, I know. And with the school year comes a whole assortment of emotions from excitement to fear. For this issue’s column, I’ve decided to look at fun books about learning so we can start the school year off right. And if your child struggles with anxiety, I have a book for that as well.

While you wouldn’t know it to look at my children, one of them struggles with anxiety a lot. So I have read many books about coping strategies; however, the strategies within them often feel like they’ve been plunked down on top of the story and not made a part of it. Olivia Wrapped in Vines by Maude Nepveu-Villeneuve and illustrated by Sandra Dumais (Ocra, 2022) is not like that. Nepveu-Villeneuve weaves the

Another woman whose career started as a childhood passion was Maria Mitchell. Laura Alary explores her story in The Astronomer Who Questioned Everything which was illustrated by Ellen Rooney (Kids Can Press, 2022). Maria loved to look at the stars as a child, and her father taught her how to use a sextant, metronome and chronometer, which was odd for a woman born in 1818. However, she didn’t let that stop her and when the King of Denmark offered a prize to the first person to discover a new comet she decided that it would be her. For ages 4 to 8.

In Emmy Noether: The Most Important Mathematician You’ve Never Heard Of by Helaine Becker and beautifully illustrated by Kari Rust (Kids Can Press, 2020), Becker explores Emmy’s biography. Emmy, who is Jewish, was born in 1882 in Germany and she loved math. Fortunately for her—and the rest of the world—her father was able to pull some strings so she could sit in (though not participate) in university courses when she was a young adult. How did this help others? Well it turns out that Albert Einstein had a problem. A problem so big that the greatest mathematical men of his age couldn’t figure out and they needed an out-of-the-box thinker to look at it in a different way. For ages 4 to 8. strategies into the tale so well that your child can learn them and still feel like they’re just reading a fun story. For ages 4 to 8.

School can be a fun way to become introduced to lifelong passions. For example, the book The Fossil Whisperer by Helaine Becker and illustrated by Sandra Dumais (Kids Can Press, 2022) shows how a school trip to the badlands in Alberta inspired Wendy Sloboda to get a job as a palaeontologist. Wendy is now known around the world as a fossil hunter and she even has a couple of dinosaurs named after her: the barrosopus slobodai and Wendiceratops. For ages 4 to 8.

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The final book is not a storybook. It is a well-written textbook that is filled with stunning pictures. The Global Ocean

by Rochelle Strauss and illustrated by Natasha Donovan (Citizen Kid, 2022) explores different aspects of the global ocean from currents and inhabitants, to pollution and warming waters. If your child wants to learn about the coast we live near and discover how that can help take care of it, this is a good book for you. For ages 8 to 12.

There you have it. Five books to help inspire your children and teach them to live with their vines as they begin their new adventure at school. I sincerely hope they all have a wonderful year that is filled with learning, laughter, and lifetime memories.

Christina Van Starkenburg lives in Victoria with her husband, children and cat. She is the author of One Tiny Turtle: A Story You Can Colour and many articles. To read more of her work and learn about her upcoming books visit christinavanstarkenburg.com.

Facebook: facebook.com/christinavanstarkenburg and Twitter: @Christina_VanS.

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August/September 2022

37

AUG/SEPTFAMILYCALENDAR For more information and calendar updates throughout the month visit IslandParent.ca

V P W

AUGUST

Victoria & Area Peninsula Westshore

CV N CX

Cowichan Valley Nanaimo & Area Comox Valley

tableaux, improvisation, chorale and script work. ladysmitharts.ca

3 WEDNESDAY

12 FRIDAY TO 14 SUNDAY

PR G O

Pacific Rim Gulf Islands Online

26 FRIDAY TO 28 SUNDAY CX

Comox Valley Ribfest

Cumberland Village Park Live Streets Chalk Art Festival CX Get ready for Ribfest 2022! A new location with 5:30–8pm, Shoppers Row, Campbell River Victoria Dragon Boat Festival V new tastes and treats for the whole family.

Create a chalk work of art on the street and enjoy Much more than just a “festival,” we are a celecomoxvalleyribfest.ca live music and local food vendors. bration of sport, culture, diversity and community. campbellriver.ca victoriadragonboatfestival.com SATURDAY

27

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Starlight Skates 6:30–8pm, Nanaimo Ice Centre, 750 Third St Come and skate under the stars of our passive LED glow lights. Regular admission. nanaimo.ca/parks-recreation-culture

4 THURSDAY N

Remote Control Wheels Club 4–6pm, Rock City Elementary Free event for all ages! Bring your fully charged RC with wheels (not air) and have a lot of fun.

5 FRIDAY TO 7 SUNDAY Campbell River Salmonfest

15 MONDAY TO 18 THURSDAY

1–2pm, Compost Education Ctr, 1216 N Park St Inspired by Nature: N Explore worms’ anatomy, life cycles and role in Visual Arts Camp for Kids composting with this parent-child workshop.

9:30 am–2pm, Ladysmith Waterfront Gallery compost.bc.ca Celebrate colours, textures and sources of inspiration found in the natural world.

SEPTEMBER ladysmitharts.ca

18 THURSDAY Oak Bay Summer Concert Series

2 FRIDAY TO 4 SUNDAY

Nanaimo Big Band Festival V Maffeo Sutton Park

6–8pm, Willows Park These outdoor concerts gather the community to celebrate music and the arts.

CX oakbay.ca/parks-recreation/events

4–10pm, Nunns Creek Park, 18th Ave Logger sports, Highland gathering, food and craft booths, beverage garden, children’s activities. crsalmonfestival.com

8 TUESDAY TO 11 FRIDAY Theatre Camp for Kids 9am–2pm, Ladysmith Waterfront Gallery Introduces a variety of dramatic forms including

V

Worm Bin Harvest

24 WEDNESDAY TO 4 SUNDAY Victoria Fringe Festival

V

Various Locations The annual Victoria Fringe Theatre Festival takes over Canada’s Garden City for an 11-day celebraN tion of live performance from around the world. victoriafringe.com

N

Festival passes and single tickets on sale now! nanaimobigbandfest.com

Victoria Classic Boat Festival

V

Inner Harbour Hosted by the Maritime Museum of BC. mmbc.bc.ca

3 SATURDAY TO 5 MONDAY P

Saanich Fair

Saanich Fair Grounds Visit the 154th Saanich Fair over Labour Day weekend and “Plant Your Roots at the Fair.” This year’s theme: Vegetables. Enjoy the midway, live

Need help with the Affordable Child Care Benefit?

Looking for child care? Taking care of children?

Need child care training?

Call your local CCRR for free referrals and resources.

Victoria & Gulf Islands: 250-382-7000 Sooke: 250-642-5152 ext 239 West Shore: 250-940-4882 Cowichan Valley: 250-746-4135 local 231 PacificCare (Ladysmith North): 250-756-2022 or 1-888-480-2273 gov.bc.ca/ChildCareResourceReferralCentres 38

Island Parent Magazine

Your community’s best source of child care information and resources.

Funding for the CCRR is provided by the province of B.C.

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music, dance performances, eating contests, auction/raffle draw and much more! saanichfair.ca

17 SATURDAY N

Wellness & Spirit Fair 10am–5pm, Cavallotti Hall, Nanaimo Improve your life physically, emotionally, spiritually and expand your consciousness. wellnessandspiritfair.com

23 FRIDAY TO 25 SUNDAY W

Luxton Fall Fair

Luxton Fair Grounds, 1040 Marwood Ave Midway, agricultural exhibits, judged categories, antique equipment and blacksmith demonstrations, wide array of vendors and food. luxtonfairgrounds.org

24 SATURDAY V

Fun with Fungi 1–2pm, Compost Education Ctr, 1216 N Park St Join our Child & Youth Educators for a parentchild workshop on the importance of fungi! compost.bc.ca

ONGOING N

Nanaimo Museum Summer Club With a fascinating new theme every month you will be exploring the gallery, handling artifacts and learning their stories. Fun for all ages. nanaimomuseum.ca

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CV

KinPark Youth Urban Farm, Duncan Learn about gardening, nature and food while making lasting memories and friendships. cowichangreencommunity.org

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CV

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N

Parksville Beach Festival

This family-oriented festival runs from mid-July to the third week in August and includes sand sculpting, a free concert series, buskers and artisan market. parksvillebeachfest.ca

Music by the Sea

V/CV

Join us in Bamfield and Victoria this summer for an international company of artists in two west coast locations. musicbythesea.ca IslandParent.ca

parkour skateboard freestyle trampoline gymnastics biking ski/snowboard multi-sport August/September 2022

39

PA R E NTI N G

Consent from the Start A

lthough I have advocated for consent for over a decade, I only began to practise consent after a life-changing event three years ago.

I am not talking about sexual consent.

However, I am betting that when I said “consent,” you thought I meant “sexual consent.” If the campaign to normalize sexual consent in the effort to reduce sexualized violence worked, then that is exactly what you thought.

children and husband. We had always lived in a small one-bedroom house so time together was not uncommon. Now, though, we’re on raw land, and the only indoor space is a 40-foot school bus; the intricacies of relationship and family dynamics have become all too clear.

The baby of the family, our nine-yearold at the time, was an expert at getting what he wanted. The word “no” was just an opportunity for him to add pressure

then expect that when he’s 15, he’ll know better and even see the need to ask?”

Outside of being a mom, the other part of my life is spent with youth. I deliver programs based in the themes of respect, empathy and connection. This is how I believe we build a future free of violence and abuse. Consent is an obvious and integral part of my work. I have to be willing to ask what others want, without bias, and be willing in return to be clear

Consent is synonymous with healthy sexuality. Ideally. We’re making strides in the right direction, but I wonder if this narrowing of how we teach consent may in fact be reducing it to subpar results.

Consent is something we can teach from the very start. By bringing the language of consent into all areas of our lives, we’ll weave a culture of consent into the very fabric of our community.

The life-changing event happened when I moved into a bus with my three

and use every card possible to change that “no” into a “yes.” As his tactics increased, it was easy to become agitated by his desperate pleas. And, why not?

Please, make him quiet, give him what he wants. At a certain point, though, I began to ask myself: “If I support my son in getting what he wants at the age of nine, when will I teach him that no means no? If I allow my child to shout, cry and whine for what he wants when he is young, will I

about what I want as well. Too often, I see that the first time youth hear about consent, it’s in the framework of sexual consent. I believe this is far too late.

I learned how consent could be taught to a child from a good friend. Over a cup of tea, I watched her navigate consent with her two-year-old, clearly, efficiently and without any blame or shame. In relationships, we may well want different things. Accepting that, without any feelings of shame or being wrong, allows

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us to be more willing to find out what those differences are. Her son wanted to wrestle. She did not. Calmly she pointed out to him that he wanted to wrestle, which represented a “yes,” and she did not, representing a “no.” See, she said, one “yes” and one “no”—what does that make? A “no.” Then she furthered explained: A “yes” and a “yes,” makes a “yes.” But when there is a “yes” and a “no,” that means that someone does not want to. That is a “no.”

Even at two, this seemed acceptable to him. Obvious really. Life moved on. I could not help but think, if we all raised our children with this language, of asking and accepting, would sexual consent need to be taught? I imagine that it would occur naturally, as it would already be imbedded into the language used in any relationship.

I’m curious about how we can change the language we use with our kids, our students and our friends to include the opportunity of consent. How we can practise a willingness, without judgment or shaming, to allow others to say how they feel and share what they want? How we can demonstrate our own boundaries without anger or bias? Just as fact.

It’s up to me to examine the ways I ask others to show up and the ways I may push my biases or opinions onto others. What does it really mean to allow others to participate in a way that is most comfortable for them? In classrooms and in my own family, I’ve seen that when I ask people for consent they seem more willing to engage.

Consent when met implies an agreement.

This is a beautiful standard for any interaction. It means we truly want to interact, in our own way. No matter what we’re doing, it is always better and more enjoyable when we’ve consented to doing it.

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Kate Nash is the programs manager and lead facilitator for The Circle Salt Spring Education Society. She has worked with island youth for over a decade, teaching theatre, play-building and improv. Kate is also the mother of three kids aged 12–16.

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PA R E NTI N G

Older Motherhood

S

o much of the discourse surrounding women who give birth later in life focuses on the negatives: the health risks to mother and child, for example, or the difficulties of being a new parent at an older-than-optimal age.

That’s the topic of an article published in the journal Health, Risk and Society by Francesca Scala, a professor of political science at Concordia University. In it, she argues that much of the official language around older motherhood is rooted in both ageism and ableism, as well as being out of step with current childbirth trends. According to Statistics Canada, the average age of childbirth has been rising steadily since the mid-1960s, and more women are giving birth between the ages of 35 to 39 than between 20 and 24. But societal expectations of mothers remain largely unchanged.

Emphasizing the negatives

Scala and her co-author Michael Orsini at the University of Ottawa analysed two dozen English-language policy documents, government reports and professional statements and guidelines containing terms such as “advanced maternal age,” “delayed childbearing,” “older mothers” and “infertility.”

Documents dated between 1993 and 2020.

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They identified three principal themes in their research: older mothers were considered risky maternal subjects, were unnatural or were irresponsible reproductive citizens.

The researchers don’t deny the biomedical risks that are present in later-in-life pregnancy such as preeclampsia and gestational diabetes. Older women are designated a risk group, and their children are at increased risk of chromosomal abnormalities (though until recently risks associated with advanced paternal age, such as schizophrenia or autism, were rarely mentioned).

More problematic is the idea of older mothers as unnatural.

“There is this model of intensive mothering ideology that is pervasive in our society, where motherhood is an all-encompassing role for women,” Scala explains. “It rests on the idea that women are the primary caregivers and are solely responsible for the health and well-being of their children. Older mothers challenge our idea about the ‘good mother’—someone who is youthful, energetic and has the time and resources to fully dedicate themselves to raising children.”

There is also mention in the texts of the possible negative psychological effects a child may experience in having a mother old enough to be their grandmother. This concern appears in the Canadian Medical Association’s White Paper on Reproductive Technologies. There is little said about the repercussions of advanced paternal age.

“We see a lot of information on government websites about the ideal time for childbearing, from a fertility standpoint, even though studies show that older women are often better prepared to have children,” Scala argues. “They have the financial resources to take care of their offspring and they have relationship stability.”

This presumption of delayed childbearing being problematic or a financial burden on the state can impact access to in-vitro fertilization as well, she says. Certain provinces in Canada will not extend insurance coverage if a woman uses IVF past the age of 42, for example, due to increased risks associated with pregnancy and birth and low success rate of treatment.

“Our goal as social scientists was not to challenge statistics around biomedical risks, but to see if older mothers themselveswere being problematized in these discussions,” Scala states.

“Instead of putting the onus on women to adhere to their ‘biological clock,’ I would like to see more discussion about how broader social and economic forces shape women’s path to motherhood. How can we, as a society, support women having children at their ideal time, for example, with accessible daycare, so they are not penalized for having children too early or too late?”

From “Attitudes Around Older Motherhood,” an article published in the journal Health, Risk and Society by Francesca Scala. For more information, visit concordia.ca.

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• AN ENGAGING EDUCATION • AN INCLUSIVE COMMUNITY • BEFORE AND AFTER-SCHOOL CARE

Christ Church Cathedral School Victoria’s Anglican School for Jr. K – Grade 8

www.cathedralschool.ca | 250-383-5125 August/September 2022

43

W H AT’ SF O R D I N N E R

Happy Healthy Lunches

I

t’s frustrating to pack your kids’ lunch only to have it come home uneaten. Or to have your kids only eat the treat part of their lunch leaving the vegetables and protein behind.

Here are a few recommendations to get your kids eating a healthy lunch: Make sure the treats are healthy too! Look for treats that are low in sugar, but high in flavor. Try packing some unusual options like plantain chips, chickpea snacks or cauliflower crackers. There’s lots of options available now!

Fruit is a healthy treat too! Bite-sized fruit is easier to eat.

Chopped pineapple and watermelon are fun. Or try tossing apple slices in cinnamon to reduce browning.

Homemade treats are usually healthier than store-bought.

Try making banana-sweetened muffins or cheese muffins.

Get your kids involved in packing their own lunch! Kids who pack their own lunch are way more likely to eat it. It’s the prefect way to start teaching them about the four food groups and healthy eating. Remember half their meal should be fruits and vegetables with protein and grains each making up 1/4 of their meal.

A Food Guide Lunch Box

Probably the easiest way to get your kids eating a healthy lunch is to let them pack it themselves! Even kids in kindergarten can choose what they want and put it in a lunch container. Older kids can even help with chopping vegetables and cheese.

It’s all about building the routine into their morning. Sure, it will be difficult the first week or two, but after that you no longer have to worry about packing lunches!

If you have a particularly hard to motivate sleepy head, then maybe try a reward right before they head out the door.

We don’t allow any morning screen time until all the chores are done. When their teeth are brushed and their lunch is packed, then let them watch an episode of their favourite cartoon (little kids), or check their phone and email (older kids).

The only trick is to have LOTS of options for them to pick and choose their own lunches. I recommend keeping at least some lunch supplies stashed in the freezer so you always have food on hand. Here are some delicious examples.

Fruit and Vegetables (1/2 of your plate):

Fresh berries, chopped fruit, grapes Cherry tomatoes Carrot sticks, pepper slices, cucumber slices Sweet peas, green beans Frozen edamame Mixed frozen vegetables

Protein (1/4 of your plate):

Seed and nuts (depending on classroom rules) Cheese Cubes of tofu Deli meat, pepperoni sticks Chickpea snacks Hard-boiled egg Hummus, nut butter

Carbohydrates (1/4 of your plate):

Crackers, pretzels, rice cakes Wholegrain bread, pita, tortilla Homemade baked good Corn chips

Emillie Parrish loves having adventures with her two busy children. You can find more of her recipes in her recently released cookbook Fermenting Made Simple. fermentingforfoodies.com 44

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Banana-sweetened Muffins (Prep time: 15 minutes, Bake time: 30 minutes) These banana-sweetened muffins are simple, wholesome, and delicious. Get your kids to help you prepare the batter. I always make 18 smaller, lunchbox-sized muffins, then freeze the leftovers. That way we’ll have a freezer full of frozen muffins, ready when we need them!

4 very ripe bananas (approx. 11⁄3 cups mashed) 1⁄3 cup vegetable oil 3 eggs 1⁄2 cup of milk 1 tsp vanilla 3 1 tsp baking powder GF) or ain (wholegr 1 ⁄4 cup of flour 1⁄4 tsp salt 1⁄2 tsp baking soda

Cheesy Muffins (Prep time: 15 minutes, Bake time: 30 minutes) Sometimes a savoury treat is best. Since these cheese muffins don’t contain any sugar, they are a more bread-like than muffin-like. Feel free to add in other flavours, like diced red pepper or cooked sweet corn kernels. It makes for a more flavourful snack!

1 cup buttermilk 11⁄2 cups flour 1⁄2 tsp baking soda 2 cups grated cheddar cheese

1. Preheat the oven to 350˚F. 2. Mash the bananas in a large mixing bowl until they are relatively smooth.

3. Mix in the oil, then beat in the eggs, milk and vanilla.

4. Add in the flour, baking powder, baking soda and salt.

5. Stir until everything is evenly mixed.

6. Prepare the muffin tin either with paper liners or grease each muffin cup. This recipe will make 12 large muffins or 18 smaller muffins.

7. Divide the batter between the muffin cups.

8. Bake for 20–25 minutes (until a toothpick comes out clean).

9. This can also be baked in a loaf tin, just increase the baking time

2 eggs tsp salt 2 Tbsp finely chopped green onion 1⁄2

1. Preheat the oven to 350 F (210 C).

2. Prepare a muffin tin by lining it with paper liners or greasing and flouring each of the muffin cups. Otherwise, the cheese muffins will stick.

3. Mix the buttermilk and eggs in a large bowl. Then mix in the flour, salt and baking soda.

4. Stir in the grated cheese, green onion and any other additional flavours. Scoop into the muffin tin. This recipe will make 12 smaller muffins or 8 larger muffins.

5. Bake for 20–25 minutes, or until a muffin tester comes out clean.

to 40–50 minutes.

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CUTITOUT!

The Pain of Growing Up

A

child must learn to respect other people’s boundaries and experience life’s growing pains in order to become a responsible caring person. Most young children are demanding. Slowly, as they mature, they learn to deal with frustration and disappointments.

As our expectations regarding behaviour gradually increase, we show less tolerance and children learn to cooperate. If reasonable expectations are not part of the relationship, the child doesn’t develop a healthy awareness of boundaries.

If we are over-submissive:

boundaries as adults when they should have been learned in childhood.

What to do:

• We give in to a child’s demands rather than sticking to a healthy limit.

• We are afraid of losing a child’s love and believe them when they say, “I hate you.”

• We get caught in the guilt/anger cycle and allow these emotions to guide our decisions.

If we are over-submissive, giving in rather than having backbone, the child’s persistence is rewarded and healthy boundaries are argued, debated and challenged until the parent gives in. This is spoiling and the child will suffer as their friends, teachers and people outside of the family won’t tolerate this.

When spoiled children grow up, they equate love from others with giving in to them and genuinely feel unloved and unwanted if their demands are not met. They infringe on the rights of others without being aware of these rights. It is difficult to learn about

Don’t sweat the small stuff. This stops you from getting into debates about things that don’t really matter. Instead, think about your bottom line. What matters?

Give a child empathy when they experience disappointment about a reasonable limit without rescuing or giving in.

Notice qualities in your child such as consideration and regard for others. Point out the positive impact this has on others.

Value your own personal boundaries by paying attention to your feelings of irritation. Those feelings might be telling you something.

Set clear, reasonable limits that reflect the needs of others such as safety, privacy, respect for things and contribution.

We don’t spoil a child with love, but we can spoil a child if they are taught to believe that the world ought to give them what they want no matter what the cost is to others. Limits that really matter are about how we treat others and safety. This is love in action.

Dr. Allison Rees is a parent educator, counsellor and coach at LIFE Seminars (Living in Families Effectively), lifeseminars.com.

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August/September 2022

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We are a unique, local business that has the pleasure of working with fossils that are millions of years old. We restore, display and sell dinosaurs. Our specimens have found homes all over the world. Some can be viewed at The Royal Tyrell Museum, The Melbourne Natural History Museum, The Royal Ontario Museum, The Houston Museum of Natural Science and The Berlin Natural History Museum, as well as many privately-owned facilities.

Book a private tour of the facility to view some of the dinosaurs in our prehistoric gallery, witness the restoration process, and even work on a fossil yourself, using our pneumatic tools.

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Private tours, Group tours, Birthday parties, Adult tours, School and Community presentations and Jr. Paleontology classes available.

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