Tweens & Teens 2022 (Island Parent)

Parenting On a Hope & a Prayer

I

was a fantastic parent when my kids were young.

Okay, that sounds egotistical. What I mean to say is I felt confident in my choices. I knew exactly how I wanted to raise my babies—love them, provide structure, feed them nutritious food, expose them to new adventures and teach them to be kind.

When they turned 13 and entered high school, everything shifted. Instead of being a hands-on parent, I am relegated to the role of guide. I have to step back, loosen control and let them make their own mistakes. It’s terrifying because I’m never sure if I’m making the right choices.

Let me give you an example.

My oldest son’s bedroom has the best cell phone reception in the house. Thus my choices when I have an important or work-related call are to stand in the middle of the backyard or enter the odorous confines of my teenage son’s bedroom. On rainy days, I choose the latter.

My son knows I use his room as an office space occasion ally and trusts that I respect his space and his “stuff.” I don’t snoop. I swear. However, there was one day when I plopped down on his bed, only to sit on something hard. When I reached down to retrieve the item from under me, I was ab solutely shocked to find a vape pen.

Starting when my boys were toddlers, I made a point to nurture an open dialogue about anything and everything. For years, we’ve discussed sex, love, relationships, drugs, drinking and even vape pens. As a result, they’ve been open with me about their struggles, their friendships, their wor ries, and their experiences. I know about the fights they are having, when they’ve been drinking and when they’ve skipped school. Our policy is open honesty and transpar ency. No lies.

The fact that he had tried vaping wasn’t surprising. I know that part of a teenager’s journey is to experiment, to find their boundaries and define their values. What shocked me was the fact that he hadn’t told me about it. My naivety suddenly became undeniable. How foolish of me to believe I was privy to it all!

After finishing my phone conversation, I walked down stairs, placed the vape pen on the kitchen table and waited for my son to return home.

As he walked through the front door, I sat him down.

“We need to talk,” I said. “I know you are going to try things as you get older, but I thought you knew how bad vaping is for your body. I’m curious why you tried it.”

“Mom, I just wanted to know what it was like. Sometimes I’m a dumbass and make stupid choices.”

While I asked a few questions—What did he like about it? How often did he smoke?—my son actually did the major ity of the talking. He knew all the right things to say. He spoke about the repercussions to his athletic potential. He acknowledged the fact that addiction runs in our family and that he, himself, has an addictive personality. He liked the “community feeling” of smoking with his friends but men tioned that he wanted to stop. At the end of the conversa tion, he asked me a question I hadn’t been anticipating.

“What are you going to do with the vape pen?”

It felt like a lose-lose situation. If I held onto it, he could simply buy another one, but it didn’t feel good to give it back to him either.

After sharing this moral dilemma, I told him I needed time to think about the options.

While driving home from soccer practice the next evening, he brought it up again. “Have you decided?”

“Well, I’ve always said that I wouldn’t try to control you. I am here to educate and to guide, but ultimately, your life and your choices are yours. I think vaping is dangerous and stupid, but if that’s what you choose to do with your friends, you will have to live with any potential consequences. I

guess what I’m saying is that I’m going to give it back to you.”

Once home, he walked in the house and retreated imme diately to his bedroom. As I passed his doorway on the way to my own sanctuary, I overheard him on FaceTime with his girlfriend. So, I stood at the door and listened like a ninja. Wouldn’t you?

I could hear his girlfriend asking, “So…. she just gave it back to you?”

“Ya.”

“She doesn’t care if you smoke?”

“Well, she said that she hopes I make the right decision,” he explained.

“Huh,” the confusion in his girlfriend’s voice was palpable (and laughable).

“Ya,” my son answered.

Then, there was silence as they both digested this unex pected outcome.

I giggled quietly to myself as I walked away. At least I gave them something to ponder!

In truth, I don’t know if this was the right parenting choice to make. I wonder if I give my boys too much leeway to make mistakes. I wonder if I should impose consequences or react in anger or disappointment. I wonder if I should send a stronger message of unacceptance. At the end of the day, I want to preserve my relationship with them. I want them to know I will always try to reserve judgment about their choices, so that if (and when) something truly problem atic or tragic occurs, they will feel safe in coming to me for help or guidance. I suppose I’ll find out the consequences of my parenting choices, whether they were nurturing or naive.

Parenting teenagers is a crapshoot. It’s a toss of the dice and crossed fingers, hoping for the best possible outcome. All I can do is hope, pray, and wait.

Kelly Cleeve is a best-selling author and an educator. More importantly, she is the proud parent of two amazing sons. Visit kellycleeve.com or follow her on Instagram @resilient_kel and Facebook –Raising Resilient Children/Radiant and Resilient.

Staying Afloat in the Social Media Shark Tank

We’re habitually distracted with internet and screen time filling our waking hours and defining leisure time. Our youth are stressed, anxious, experiencing stronger emotions and suffering from the burden of being so interconnected.

Participating in social media can feel like we’re swimming with sharks. And being bitten can look like:

• Dreading checking your device (afraid of what you may have stirred up)

• Obsessing about who liked or noticed a post, picture or video

• Allowing responses and feedback on social media to dictate mood

Six ways to avoid getting bitten and meet the world without losing yourself:

Be less reactive.

Reacting puts you in survival mode. Respond instead by:

• Reading the full article or post before you share it or com ment

• Checking the source to avoid the spread of fake news, con fusion and aggression

• Not having an opinion. Take breaks from posting, sharing and commenting. Even when someone asks for your opinion, you can say you don’t know

• Noticing if you are seeking more places to shout your opin ion

• Watching for the trap of individualism. When you realize how attached you are to “Do you like me?” it’s time to take a

social media break. Tracking friends, followers, likes and com ments shouldn’t be a full-time job and it’s hard on the heart.

• Know you don’t need to fix, save or convince people. Those are all forms of aggression.

• Finding more silence. Breaks from social media will im prove your relationship with it!

Be less distracted.

When you’re distracted day-to-day, you risk going numb. You’ll also lose connection to yourself, others and our living world. Distraction fuels reactivity and leaves zero time for wis dom, insight or compassion.

• Don’t text for one day, set up rules for phone use, and try do one thing at a time.

• Set boundaries and say “no” more often to curb restless ness.

• Reflect on how distracted we are as a culture.

Have you witnessed how much personal business people now conduct in public spaces? People talk about their private relationships, finances and more—right beside you on the bus or in the grocery store lineup! (They may assume you’re equally distracted.)

Take a device break in the next line up, waiting room, res taurant or soccer practice and see what you notice. Collectively we’ve done a lot of damage because we’re not being pres ent. It’s a simple change and can be contagious.

Make time for conversation.

Phone or drop-in on a friend or relative. It’s a simple way to

feel more connected and less lonely. Maybe text less? Did you ever consider that texting your friends or family is regularly distracting them from their relationships, time in nature, their ability to be present and enjoy silence? What’s the true cost of more online versus in-person relationships? Do you book times to talk to people? Are people surprised when you call out of the blue?

Share less.

Social media is about self-promotion. You build an identity and brand yet it’s all manufactured. Think about the risks of constantly telling a story about yourself instead of just living it! Could you post fewer updates and keep more to yourself? Try it. The benefits are an increase of living in and savouring the present moment. In the present moment there is no fear or anxiety.

Relax.

This doesn’t mean taking a nap or watching TV. Relaxation is free from strain. Check in with your body right now. Where is there tension? Can you soften? How are the muscles in your face? In this moment, put a smile on your face but without

smiling. Next put a smile into your palms, then into an ache or pain and finish with smiles in your feet (smile at the Earth). Your mind can create a different sensation. This is a lovely practice to start each day.

Find ways to get together.

People need to feel they belong which can’t be achieved vir tually. (Popularity isn’t the same as belonging.) We need each other and time to comfort, console and support our communi ties. Find grounding and connection in taking on a local paper route, helping neighbours with pet sitting or child minding, cut ting lawns or helping with an elder’s garbage and compost bins.

Lindsay Coulter is a writer, educator, facilita tor, naturalist, community catalyst, soul activist, mentor, and dedicated mother of two. She’s the Director of Communications, Culture and Commu nity at EPIC Learning Centre, a forest and nature school in Victoria. Find her @SaneAction on Insta gram and Facebook.

Fly-by-the-Seat-ofYour-Pants Teen Travel

My

son has just left on an epic backpacking trip through Europe starting in Paris. He’s thrilled. I’ve got that feeling similar to when you binge eat a tub of espresso chocolate-chip icecream—happy, excited and then jittery with a heap of insomnia.

In my pre-COVID career as a film maker, I travelled for much of my work. I was organized, I carried a binder with flights, hotels, directions and often, restaurant recommenda tions. When things got delayed, it was a scramble to make back the produc tion time. I’ve lost luggage (with audio equipment), got stuck in Belize for an

extra week because of snow in Texas (not as fun as most would think), and have been detained in the Philippines. When it comes to travelling, I come with a lot of baggage—literally and figuratively.

My teenager has been insulated from that type of experience. He’s had par ents who have kept the trip organized and him entertained and distracted when things went sideways. Hungry? Mama has snacks. Bored? Here is a movie. He’s had the 5-star bubblewrapped experience.

He’s jumped into this trip with a general plan and a fly-by-the-seat of

your pants attitude that is way outside my comfort zone. Deep down I know that the beauty in his experience is the simplicity and the freedom and I expect that his trip will be a truer cultural ex perience than anything I’ve ever done, but I’m adjusting to this understanding.

Before he launched, I was a very ac tive part of getting him ready. Here are some things that worked well for us:

Travel with a carry-on backpack so you don’t worry about missing luggage. There are good-sized backpacks that will meet airline specs. Start pack ing your new backpack weeks before your travel date and think about how much you really need. Repack several times and evaluate the items. Then, at 11pm before your early morning flight, do one last panic purge and repack.

Get all the apps and put in your information at home. Flight informa tion is often updated quicker in the app than in the airport. Many companies have priority calling through their apps.

Do a trial run with your gear. En courage your teen to practice wearing his backpack and carrying his passport with his wallet and phone with him to get comfortable with the new items. Lack of sleep and jet lag is not the time to start thinking about where your passport is or struggle with how easy it is to carry your backpack through transit.

Research! Things have changed, es pecially with hostels. Read the guides and find out what you need, and don’t need, on a trip.

Ensure that there is at least 1.5 hours between flights. It is not a great time to count on making tight connec tions. You can also call the airport to find out if you have to go through secu rity again or how big of a distance it is between gates.

Pack snacks. There is a lot of wait ing and sometimes food is not readily available. Teens are hungry every 15 minutes, so having something readily available is nice. My teen had a sand wich, but hummus could be confiscated as it is considered a liquid. Fruits and vegetables would need to be eaten or disposed of before landing in an inter national location.

The biggest piece of advice is for parents.

Kathy Peterson, a counsellor at Col laborative Counselling, advises that when empty-nest syndrome hits, to re member your role.

“Remember that parents are the compass that will guide their children back home,” says Peterson. “Sometimes as a parent it is hard to let go but stay grounded in the knowledge that you’ve given [your kids] the skills to handle these challenges and they will come back with a gamut of experiences that will shape their future.”

Letting go isn’t easy, but I’m learn ing to give my teen space to explore without needing to check-in and he is embracing it by only giving me quick one one-line email updates—sometimes one word. I’m working on remembering all the strengths and skills he has, and I am looking forward to hearing his sto ries when he gets back and seeing how travel has empowered him.

April Butler is the mother of three (one teenager and two grown) children and the grandmother of one. She was working as a documentary filmmaker and if her career doesn’t reboot after the pandemic, she will just spend more time sailing.

Choices Aplenty: Choosing Period Products

Several years ago, a friend’s 10-year-old daughter came for a sleepover, carrying two bags. In one bag she’d packed lots of supplies for her period/cycle bleed—and she wanted to talk about all of them! That evening, we explored the large stash of pads and tampons—we unwrapped, examined and compared them—you know just a typical sleepover/show-and-tell session!

gusset of regular underwear. They come in different sizes, co lours, patterns and shapes from a light liner to overnight cover age. They are rinsed and washed as per instructions following use. They are typically changed every 4–6 hours so likely users will have to carry two with them for an entire day’s coverage. With both the underwear and reusable pads, it’s a good idea to carry a plastic pouch for used pads/underwear, another set of underwear or pads and maybe some leggings in case there’s need for back up!

Menstrual Cups. Menstrual cups or discs are worn inside the body in the vagina and rather than absorbing the fluid like a tampon, the fluid is collected by the cup or the disc and it’s either emptied, rinsed and re-inserted if it’s re-usable or dis carded if it’s single use only. Most cups and discs are re-usable although there are a few brands of discs which are single use. Cups and discs are usually made of medical grade silicone and both require the user to be familiar and comfortable enough with their own bodies to insert and remove them with clean hands.

Here’s an overview of the most current and common period/ cycle bleed management options:

Period Underwear. Period underwear come in many dif ferent styles and patterns, from a longer boxer-style short to the cheeky styles that will suit all identities, activity levels and body shapes. While they look like regular underwear, they have a thicker gusset lining between the legs. The top layer of fabric allows the fluid to pass through to the middle layer that absorbs the fluid while the tightly woven bottom/outside layer prevents the fluid from leaking through. Some styles are thicker and can be worn for up to 8 hours which works overnight or for the length of a school day.

The thinner styles can be worn on days with less fluid flow or when a person is awaiting a period/cycle bleed. The thinner styles can be helpful for young people who aren’t yet sure when their period/bleed will begin and feel anxious about being pre pared. To clean them after a single use, simply rinse them and follow the machine wash and dry instructions. Some brands even make bathing suits, bike shorts and leggings with leak proof gussets for more active user options. Typically, a user will need to have 2–3 pairs of underwear in rotation to ensure they have an extra pair or two to use during wash times.

Re-usable Pads. Re-usable pads follow the same idea as pe riod underwear, the major difference being that they are shaped like a pad and they usually use a snap to secure the pad to the

Cups typically sit very high in the vagina and create a suction to the cervix while discs sit a bit lower and have a seal but not suction. Some brands have different sizes for different sized/ shaped bodies and/or heavier fluid flow days, while others use a universal-sized approach. Cups/discs usually only need to be emptied 2–4 times per day depending on the amount of the fluid flow and can also be easily worn during activities that involve water like swimming. Users who like to hike and camp or are planning extended travel often appreciate the ease and freedom of a re-usable cup or disc. At the end of a cycle, the re-usable cup or disk is washed and stored according to the in structions until next use. Reusable cups and discs usually need to be replaced after two years of use.

All of these products are becoming more accessible, afford able and popular. Beyond the obvious benefits of convenience and privacy, many users feel that these products are more envi ronmentally and financially sustainable. Like anything health related, if you or your youth have interest in trying a new method, gather accurate information from reputable sources and choose a product that feels like a good physical and life style match.

These new options will go a long way to support our young people through their period/cycle bleed with increased comfort, privacy and autonomy while reducing stigma and shame and leaving the outdated menstrual contraptions in the past!

Jennifer Gibson, MA, is also known as “The Sex Lady”— for close to 20 years in Great er Victoria!—to the thousands of amazing youth and adults she is lucky to educate and learn with through her job as the Coordinator of Com munity Education at Island Sexual Health. She’s passionate about making sexuality education as positive, fun and non-cringe-able as possible.