Neufeld-Hirose Conference: Handouts by jackhirose

A Neufeld Institute & Jack Hirose Associates Conference

EMOTIONAL HEALTH & WELL-BEING Towards Flourishing Children & Youth

WHEN November 6 - 8, 2023 8:30am - 4:00pm

WHERE

Choose From 12 Workshop sessions A Conference Tailored To Mental Health And Education Professionals At All Levels And Any Professional That Applies Developmental Science To Practice

Saskatoon, SK Hilton Garden Inn Saskatoon Downtown 90-22nd Street E

Gordon Neufeld PH.D.

FOR MORE INFORMATION & REGISTRATION:

tamara Strijack M.A.

Deborah Macnamara PH.D.

Eva de Gosztonyi M.A.

JACKHIROSE.COM | 1.800.456.5424

TABLE OF CONTENTS 1

DAY ONE #1 Towards Flourishing Children | Gordon Neufeld, Ph.D.

pg.6

#2 The Neuroscience of Flourishing | Eva de Gosztonyi, M.A.

pg.24

#3 Making Sense of Attention Problems | Deborah MacNamara, Ph.D.

pg.64

#4 Neufeld’s Traffic Circle of Frustration | Tamara Strijack, M.A.

pg.88

DAY TWO #5 Resilience & The Stress Response | Gordon Neufeld, Ph.D.

pg.107

#6 Making Sense of Today’s Eating Problems | Deborah MacNamara, Ph.D.

pg.128

#7 The Vital Role of Emotional Playgrounds | Tamara Strijack, M.A.

pg.143

#8 Shielding the Vulnerable | Eva de Gosztonyi, M.A.

pg.151

DAY THREE #9 Disordered and Troubled Attachments | Gordon Neufeld, Ph.D.

pg.194

#10 Towards Flourishing in Adolescence | Tamara Strijack, M.A.

pg.212

#11 Managing Behaviour Without Rewards | Eva de Gosztonyi, M.A.

pg.226

#12 When Feelings Go Missing | Deborah MacNamara, Ph.D.

pg.258

A NEUFELD CONFERENCE - SASKATOON 2023

Conference Description The Neufeld Institute is once again joining forces with Jack Hirose Seminars to present a live threeday conference in Saskatoon on November 6-8, 2023. Our theme is Towards Flourishing Children and Youth. Although there is significant alarm these days concerning the deteriorating mental health of our children, there is still much confusion about how to reverse this disturbing trend. The ultimate answers lie in providing the conditions that are conducive to the unfolding of human potential. I am delighted to be joined by three of our most outstanding Neufeld Institute speakers – Deborah MacNamara, Tamara Strijack, and Eva de Gosztonyi. Together we will walk around the subject, using the attachment-based developmental approach to shed light on the dynamics, and based on this insight, to point to a way through. Whether a medical or mental health professional, a therapist or counselor, a teacher or school administrator, a day care provider or early childhood educator, a youth and family worker, a concerned parent or grandparent, this conference will help set the stage for turning stress around, in our children, our students, and even in ourselves. On behalf of the entire conference team, we look forward to engaging you in this timely theme.

Jack Hirose & Associates Since 1998, Jack Hirose and Associates has provided quality training to more than 100,000 mental health and education professionals in Canada. Our mission is to offer effective and stimulating training opportunities that respond to the ever changing needs of general education teachers K-12, school administrators, special education teachers, instructional/educational assistants, school counselors, behavior specialists, curriculum specialists, speech-language specialists, autism specialists, school psychologists, social workers, occupational therapists, nurses, early childhood educators, addiction counselors, and all other mental health professionals. www.jackhirose.com

A Message from Dr. Neufeld We all want our children and students to thrive – to become all they were meant to be, despite the challenges they may face. But how is this to be accomplished? What conditions are required for optimal functioning? What experiences are essential to the unfolding of human potential regardless of the circumstances that may exist. There could not be a more timely and important subject to address as the answers to flourishing are also the answers to mental health and well-being – the pressing topics of the day. And the current news is not good as the mental health of our children has been disintegrating so significantly that many experts have declared this an unprecedented crisis. In addition, learning and behaviour problems have also been increasing of late. We will be addressing this important issue from a number of different angles, with each perspective adding to the understanding necessary to make a significant difference. It only makes sense that emotional health and well-being should become our collective priority, whether it be at home, at school, or at work. This conference is a fundraiser for the Neufeld Institute and the offspring of a collaborative effort between Jack Hirose of Jack Hirose and Associates and Dr. Gordon Neufeld of the Neufeld Institute – a worldwide charitable organization delivering developmental science to those responsible for our children. The Neufeld Institute is deeply grateful for all who have extended themselves to make this event a success. The three-day conference will consist of twelve presentations in total, with each day consisting of a morning and an afternoon block with two options each. The format will allow for sufficient immersion into the material without becoming too overwhelmed with input. The topics have been carefully chosen for the consistency of the approaches, the insights they provide, and the practical suggestions they offer. We hope you will be able to join us for a learning experience that couldn’t be more significant or beneficial to the children in our care. Yours sincerely,

Gordon Neufeld, Ph.D. Clinical & Developmental Psychologist

Best Selling Author: Hold On to Your Kids

2 | For registration & full workshops descriptions, visit www.jackhirose.com

208-197 Forester St, North Vancouver, BC, Canada V7H 0A6

t 604 924 0296 | tf 1 800 456 5424 | f 604 924 0239

WE ARE PLEASED TO WELCOME YOU TO A JACK HIROSE & ASSOCIATES CONFERENCE. If you have any questions or concerns throughout the day, please notify your on-site coordinator. PLEASE REMEMBER: • Wear your name badge every day • Turn off your cell phone • Hand in your evaluation forms at the end of each day • If you have pre-purchased lunch your tickets are in your name badge, please treat your tickets like cash. SCHEDULE: This schedule may vary depending on the flow of the presentation and participant questions 7:30am – 8:30am 8:30am – 10:00am 10:30am – 10:45am 11:00am – 11:45pm 11:45pm – 12:45pm 12:45pm – 2:15pm 2:15pm – 2:30pm 2:45pm – 4:00pm 4:00pm

Sign-In Morning Workshops Begin Mid-Morning Break – Refreshments Provided Workshop in Session Lunch Break Sign-In - CPA Members Only Afternoon Sessions Begin Mid-Afternoon Break – Refreshments Provided Workshop in Session Hand-In Evaluation Forms Sign-Out – CPA Members Only

CERTIFICATES: • Certificates are available digitally. To download a copy of your receipt or certificate, please visit: http://registration.jackhirose.com/certificates • Certificates are available for download on the final day of attendance for multi-day participants. Are you a member of the Canadian Psychological Association (CPA)? Please read the important CEU information below. • There is a new Policy as mandated by the Canadian Psychological Association • Please request a form from the on-site coordinator. Forms need to be filled out and submitted directly to the association by the participant. • CPA Members must take their name badge in the morning, sign in after lunch and sign out at the end of the day. • Early departure means CPA Members are no longer eligible to receive CPA credits • Certificates will be updated with CPA credits when the forms are returned to our head office for verification (please allow 2 – 4 weeks).

CONFERENCE AGENDA AGENDA

Morning Session 8:30 am – 11:45 am

Break 10:30 am – 10:45 am choose one morning workshop per day.

Day 1 Monday, November 6

Day 2 Tuesday, November 7

1. Towards Flourishing Children: Answering the Four Irreducible Needs of a Child

5. Resilience & The Stress Response: Addressing Emotional Stuckness Including Trauma

Live-Stream Option Available - Gordon Neufeld, Ph.D.

2. The Neuroscience of Flourishing: How the Brain Works & What It Needs to Work

Live-Stream Option Available - Gordon Neufeld, Ph.D.

6. Making Sense of Today’s Feeding & Eating Problems

Live-Stream Option Available - Deborah MacNamara, Ph.D.

Live-Stream Option Available - Eva de Gosztonyi, M.A.

Day 3 Wednesday, November 8

9. Disordered and Troubled Attachments & The Current Youth Mental Health Crisis Live-Stream Option Available - Gordon Neufeld, Ph.D.

10. Towards Flourishing in Adolescence: Special Challenges in Helping Teens Navigate Their Emotional World Live-Stream Option Available - Tamara Strijack, M.A.

Lunch Break 11:45 am – 12:45 pm

3. Making Sense of Attention Problems Afternoon Session 12:45 pm – 4:00 pm

Break 2:15 pm – 2:30 pm choose one afternoon workshop per day.

7. The Vital Role of Emotional Playgrounds Live-Stream Option Available in Flourishing: From - Deborah MacNamara, Ph.D. Toddlerhood to Elderhood

4. Neufeld’s Traffic Circle of Frustration: A Revolutionary Approach to Aggression, Depression & Suicide Live-Stream Option Available - Tamara Strijack, M.A.

Live-Stream Option Available - Tamara Strijack, M.A.

8. Shielding the Vulnerable: How to Protect Their Hearts & Minds

11. Managing Behaviour Without Rewards

Live-Stream Option Available - Eva de Gosztonyi, M.A.

12. When Feelings Go Missing: Moving Through Emotional Defense

Live-Stream Option Available - Deborah MacNamara, Ph.D.

Live-Stream Option Available - Eva de Gosztonyi, M.A.

A NEUFELD CONFERENCE - SASKATOON 2023

- A NEUFELD INSTITUTE & JACK HIROSE CONFERENCE -

EMOTIONAL HEALTH & WELL-BEING TOWARDS FLOURISHING CHILDREN & YOUTH

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 6 - WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 8, 2023 Hilton Garden Inn Saskatoon Downtown 90 22 St E, Saskatoon, SK S7K 3X6

GORDON NEUFELD, PH.D.

WORKSHOP #1

Dr. Gordon Neufeld is a Vancouver-based developmental psychologist with over 50 years of experience with children and youth and those responsible for them. A foremost authority on child development, Dr. Neufeld is an international speaker, a bestselling author (Hold On To Your Kids) and a leading interpreter of the developmental paradigm. Dr. Neufeld has a widespread reputation for making sense of complex problems and for opening doors for change.

Towards Flourishing Children: Answering the Four Irreducible Needs of a Child Day One | 8:30am - 11:45am

208-197 Forester Street North Vancouver, BC, Canada V7H 0A6 t 604 924 0296

f 604 924 0239

t f 1 800 456 5424

DAY 1

e registration@jackhirose.com

Information regarding the NEUFELD INSTITUTE, including our VIRTUAL CAMPUS and ONLINE COURSES The Neufeld Institute is a world-wide non-profit organization created for the purpose of putting developmental science into the hands of those responsible for our children. Our way of doing this is through disseminating the more than 30 courses that have been developed by Dr. Gordon Neufeld that articulate the attachment-based developmental approach. We have 36 faculty and over 200 course facilitators delivering our courses in more than 10 languages to parents, teachers and helping professionals. Our online courses can be taken at anytime and from anywhere. Individuals can take these courses through scheduled online classes or through individual self-paced study. Groups of ten or more can arrange for their own customized support. The online courses consist of much more than the video-material: study guides, discussion forums, supplemental material, as well as access to all the resources on campus are included. Our online courses are housed on a virtual campus that is filled with resources, support materials and discussion forums. The online campus is open to anyone who has taken one of our courses, whether it has been delivered live by Dr. Neufeld or a faculty member, as a video-course by a Neufeld Course Facilitator, as an online campus course, or has attended a Neufeld conference. Watching the DVDs alone does not count as a course. Campus membership is $150 CAD for the initial year and $120 CAD for renewal. Benefits of course membership include access to the campus library, discussion forums, periodic Q&A classes with faculty, and much more. The most significant benefit for many campus members is having continued access to the particular course materials that correspond to the course or courses they have taken. Our campus typically is home to about 2500 subscribers and students on study passes at any given time. Our courses are aimed for parents, teachers and helping professionals. The Power to Parent series is typically the best way for parents to get immersed in the attachmentbased developmental approach. This can be augmented by other courses such as Discipline, Counterwill, Alpha Children, Anxiety, Aggression or Adolescence, depending upon the particular problems they may be experiencing. Educators are more likely to start with the Aggression course or the Teachability Factor as well as the Preschoolers course or Adolescence course, depending upon the age of their students. This, too, can be augmented by the problem-centered courses. Helping professionals will definitely want to take the Attachment Puzzle, Transplanting Children, Science of Emotion, and Resilience courses. Serious students who want to master the attachment-based developmental paradigm in order for it to become their way of thinking, as well as their modus operandi, will want to take the three Neufeld Intensives: Making Sense of Kids, The Separation Complex and Becoming Attached. These Intensives lay the conceptual foundations of this approach in such a way that the application becomes universal. Our five Foundational Studies courses, which include the three Neufeld Intensives, Science of Emotion, and Play 101, open the door to further study and support for sharing the material. See About > Further Study on our website for more information. Attendance at this conference will qualify you for campus membership. For a tour of our campus and information on purchasing an annual membership, visit About > Our Virtual Campus. Please indicate that you have attended this conference when purchasing an annual membership. For further information about the Neufeld Institute, including its courses and programs, please consult our website www.NeufeldInstitute.org

Flourishing Children - Gordon Neufeld PhD

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8, 2023

Towards Flourishing Children

Gordon Neufeld, Ph.D.

Developmental & Clinical Psychologist Vancouver, Canada

flourish (verb) ... to grow well or luxuriantly; to thrive; to grow and develop in a healthy or vigorous way, especially as a result of favorable conditions.

ing ate be separ red) a s a ily bo ility ot eas ity • viab (n ty nsibil f vitali respo • full o ncy & e y g it a s f eo curio • sens ests & f inter ergy n e • full o rth ring fo self tu n e ce •v ip with enden tionsh indep • r fo • a rela t well-te s e u q mpere • learns from mistakes • a strong d • cons iderate & civil • balan • resilient & resourceful ized ced / p erspec • appre tive • recovers from trauma ciates contex • can s • benefits from adversity t olve p roblem • egali s tarian • learns from consequences values • learn s from • adapts to circumstances disson ance

Flourishing Children - Gordon Neufeld PhD

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8, 2023

• viability as a separate being • full of vitality (not easily bored) • sense of agency & responsibility • full of interests & curiosity • venturing forth energy • a relationship with self • a strong quest for independence

emergent

• learns from mistakes • resilient & resourceful

integrative

• recovers from trauma • benefits from adversity

• well-tempered • considerate & civilized • balanced / perspective • appreciates context

• learns from consequences

• can solve problems • egalitarian values

• adapts to circumstances

• learns from dissonance

adaptive

NATURE’S TEMPLATE for the UNFOLDING of POTENTIAL fruit

• is SPONTANEOUS if condiGons are conducive • the FRUIT comes in its SEASON and must not be pushed or hurried • independence is ROOTED in saGsﬁed dependence regarding aIachment • relaGonal dependence is a STATE OF BEING and not a stage that is grown out of • we CANNOT BE TOO ATTACHED, just too superﬁcially aIached or too insecurely aIached. The answer is always MORE aIachment in one way or another, not less.

Attachment is .... ... the accepted word for the science of relationship ... a term for the human predisposition for togetherness ... the preeminent characteristic of all things, both living and nonliving ... that drive or relationship characterized by the pursuit and preservation of proximity, in all its variations & permutations, including depersonalized

Flourishing Children - Gordon Neufeld PhD

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8, 2023

emergent adaptive

integrative

emergent adaptive

integrative

rest

Flourishing Children - Gordon Neufeld PhD

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8, 2023

• all true GROWTH - including recovery and repair emanates from a place of rest • paradoxically, rest is key to making HEADWAY, not striving or working towards outcomes

T R ES

• requires a TRUST or belief in a spontaneous growth force that is acGvated when condiGons are conducive

• since aIachment is what most needs to work, REST from the WORK of ATTACHMENT is absolutely foundaGonal to ﬂourishing and the unfolding of potenGal

emergent adaptive

integrative

rest

fruit

taking care of attachment

Flourishing Children - Gordon Neufeld PhD

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8, 2023

How ATTACHMENT takes care of a child: • provides a HOME and home base from which to venture forth from

• acGvates powerful togetherness insGncts to keep a child CLOSE where care can be DELIVERED • provides MODELS to emulate

• creates the psychological WOMB for conGnued growth

• provides a ‘COMPASS POINT’ to get ones bearings

• evokes insGncts to CARE • SHIELDS against a wounding world and if connecGon is safe, provides a general sense of SAFETY • gives the child a sense of BELONGING and SIGNIFICANCE

• renders RECEPTIVE to care as well as EMPOWERING the one aIached to • opens to the INFLUENCE of those aIached to

INTEGRATION

DIFFERENTIATION

ATTACHMENT

INTEGRATION

DIFFERENTIATION ﬁnding REST & RELEASE from preoccupaHon with aLachment

ATTACHMENT

Flourishing Children - Gordon Neufeld PhD

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8, 2023

INTEGRATION

DIFFERENTIATION ﬁnding REST & RELEASE from preoccupaHon with aLachment

ATTACHMENT

emergent adaptive

integrative

feelings

• must DIFFERENTIATE from emoGon as most emoGon is not felt and we can feel other inner states and inner springs that are not emoGonal in nature • serve to LINK what is happening within to what is happening on the outside of us • are FRAGILE & FLEETING, easily hurt and easily lost

• are the FEEDBACK we depend upon when BLIND, both within and on the outside • best thought of as the cerebral cortex’s INTERPRETATIONS of somaGc feedback signals

FEELINGS

• OPTIMIZE the work of emoGon & insGnct while at the same Gme increasing a sense of vulnerability which can undermine that work • are rouGnely INHIBITED when the brain is stressed or in the work mode

• are what make us HUMAN & HUMANE • are the ENGINE of MATURATION

• have been ECLIPSED by our focus on performance & behaviour, ESCHEWED as irraGonal, and falsely projected by our naive and idealized EMPATHY

Flourishing Children - Gordon Neufeld PhD

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8, 2023

emergent adaptive

integrative

feelings • conﬂic$d

• sa#a$d • sad

The ADAPTIVE Process & its Fruit • able to learn from mistakes and failures

• RELEASE of stuck emotion • RESOLVES aggression, alarm symptoms, and fixes & fixations

• able to benefit from correction and consequences

encounters with futility

• enables the process of letting go

• RELIEF from emotionally-driven behaviour

• able to transcend handicaps & disabilities

• REST, both situationally and systemically • RECOVERY from loss and trauma

• able to accept limitations and restrictions

• RESILIENCE in the wake of the tears

• able to accept not getting one’s way

Five Steps of Emotional Maturation reﬂec0ng gives rise spontaneously to self-control and the capacity to consider

mixing feeling

naming

emoHons cannot mix unless they are felt emoHons can not be felt or recognized unless safely expressed

expressing

Flourishing Children - Gordon Neufeld PhD

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8, 2023

emergent adaptive

integrative

l rea

PLAY

for

NO T

T NO

wo rk

play

expressive

• one of the three basic DRIVES in the brain, the others being aIachment and work

• appears to be the birthplace of EMPATHY and the alpha caring response

• has important WORK to do even though it seems as if it is up to nothing (ie, Nature Incognito)

• is found to be MISSING in the early lives of troubled kids and adults

• likely the acGve ingredient in healing, recovery and THERAPY

• was the natural school of LEARNING in ancient cultures and for all other mammals

• provides ideal condiGons for DEVELOPMENT and so acts as its natural womb

• is a state of acGvated REST where all true growth, repair and recovery take place

Flourishing Children - Gordon Neufeld PhD

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8, 2023

The brain in the play mode can be acGvated without concern for outcome or having to perform, providing ideal condiGons for repair, recovery, rewiring & restoraGon. As such, it is absolutely criGcal for healthy funcGoning and well-being.

PLAY

How PLAY unfolds human potential • provides a safe place for emoGons to be felt and expressed • provides a safe place for highly charged insGncts to be expressed (eg, alpha, counterwill) • provides a protecGve greenhouse and creates leading edge for all new tender growth

• provides a safe space to pracGce future roles and skills • frees aIenGon to be interest led (ie, curiosity), thus opGmizing learning • frees problem-solving to be creaGve • preserves and exercises a child’s will in a controlling world

• gives the powerful but exhausGng aIachment and achievement drives a needed break

WHERE emotions like to PLAY

Flourishing Children - Gordon Neufeld PhD

MID

OF !

PYRTAENTIAL PO

Four keys () emo#onal heal* & we+-being

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8, 2023

HIE

OF RARC NEE HY DS

E FOUR EXPSESREINTIAL

ENCES

E UCIBL IRREDEEDS N

T S hre Flo igns e uri of shi ng

NATURAL BLUEPRINT FOR SPONTANEOUS DEVELOPMENT

emergent integrative adaptive Play is a form of ACTIVATED REST, providing respite from the work of Play enables achievement, vulnerable aIachment FEELINGS & emoGon

EmoHons are not at work, so the inhibiHon of feelings is reversed

EmoHons are easier to feel when one step removed from real life

Play is safe so feelings won’t get hurt

EmoHons are freer to move and so more likely to be felt and idenHﬁed

Words or their lack do not get in the way

Sadness is much easier to access in the play mode

Flourishing Children - Gordon Neufeld PhD

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8, 2023

emergent integrative adaptive Play is a form of ACTIVATED REST

Play enables vulnerable FEELINGS

play PRIMES & PROTECTS aIachment

Well-Being & Thriving

Healing & Recovery

Flourishing Children - Gordon Neufeld PhD

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8, 2023

ACHIEVEMENT OPPORT UNITY SOCIA GENETICS LIZATION PROPER CONDUCT

fruit

e id

v di

en ga ge

ld ou

at ta ch m en ti

c at th

th e

ng hi

yt an

ns tin ct s

taking care of attachment

to create attachments between children and the adults responsible for them

Flourishing Children - Gordon Neufeld PhD

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8, 2023

When facing separation, preserve the connection by drawing attention to the next point of contact or to what stays the same.

Wisdom of Dependence how we are meant to ﬁt together for the delivery of CARE

Flourishing Children - Gordon Neufeld PhD

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8, 2023

NATURE’S TEMPLATE FOR GIVING AND RECEIVING ... ... care

... signals

Attachments are specifically structured for giving & receiving CARE

PROVIDING CARE

SEEKING CARE

dependent insGncts dependent instincts • for an invitation to exist

alpha instincts

• for contact and connection • for sameness & belonging

• for warmth & love • for recognition • for significance

seeking

• to get one’s bearings

PROVID

ING

• for safety and comfort

• for understanding • for a relational ‘home’ • for a sense of togetherness

We are meant to fit together in hierarchical attachment arrangements of CASCADING CARE

a NATURAL arrangement in harmony with the dynamics of aIachment and the principles of development

as opposed to contrived arrangements based on social roles, gender stereotypes, prevailing assumpGons of equality, or parGcular dynamics between parents and children or between partners of a couple or in friendship

Our objective should be to embed in CASCADING CARE as opposed to pushing for independence or promoGng self-care

Flourishing Children - Gordon Neufeld PhD

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8, 2023

The unrecognized tragedy of our times is that our dependants are not depending upon us and we are not only blind to this but inviting it!

PROVIDING CARE

SEEKING CARE

dependent insGncts dependent instincts • for an invitation to exist

alpha instincts • INSPIRE dependence by taking a strong caring alpha LEAD

• for contact and connection • for sameness & belonging

• INVITE dependence & be worthy of that trust

• for warmth & love • for recognition • for significance

seeking

• to get one’s bearings

• for understanding • for a relational ‘home’ • for a sense of togetherness

PROVID

ING

• for safety and comfort

• make it SAFE to depend, never using their rela0onal needs against them • be GENEROUS with one’s care, providing more than is pursued • DON’T BE FOOLED by the myriad illusions of independence

Flourishing Children - Gordon Neufeld PhD

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8, 2023

... in ‘pushing the river’ ... in focusing on outcomes ... in teaching maturity as a skill ... in not trusGng Nature to deliver ... in shaping or sculpGng behaviour ... in focusing on diagnosis and disorder ... in emphasizing work and achievement ... in focusing on pedagogy and technology ... in demanding a maturity that doesn’t exist ... in baIling against the never-ending symptoms

... into Nature’s template for the spontaneous unfolding of poten0al

helping children ﬂourish

Gordon Neufeld, Ph.D.

Developmental & Clinical Psychologist Vancouver, Canada

- A NEUFELD INSTITUTE & JACK HIROSE CONFERENCE -

EMOTIONAL HEALTH & WELL-BEING TOWARDS FLOURISHING CHILDREN & YOUTH

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 6 - WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 8, 2023 Hilton Garden Inn Saskatoon Downtown 90 22 St E, Saskatoon, SK S7K 3X6

EVA DE GOSZTONYI, M.A.

WORKSHOP #2 The Neuroscience of Flourishing: How the Brain Works & What It Needs to Work

Eva de Gosztonyi, MA, is a psychologist who has worked for over 45 years in schools across Canada. For 22 years she was the Coordinator of the Centre of Excellence for Behaviour Management, a support to the ten English School Boards of Quebec, helping adults in the school setting provide effective interventions for students with behavioural challenges. Since retiring she has continued to share her expertise with schools in Canada, including First Nations schools and communities, the US, New Zealand, and Singapore.

Day One | 8:30am - 11:45am

208-197 Forester Street North Vancouver, BC, Canada V7H 0A6 t 604 924 0296

f 604 924 0239

t f 1 800 456 5424

DAY 1

e registration@jackhirose.com

Neuroscience of Flourishing – Eva de Gosztonyi

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, November 6, 2023

THE NEUROSCIENCE OF FLOURISHING:

HOW THE BRAIN WORKS AND WHAT IT NEEDS TO WORK

Eva de Gosztonyi, psychologist

edegosztonyi@gmail.com

Faculty, NEUFELD INSTITUTE

www.degosztonyi.org

flourish (verb)

... to grow well or luxuriantly; to thrive; to grow and develop in a healthy or vigorous way, especially as a result of favorable conditions.

HOW DO WE KNOW THAT SOMEONE IS FLOURISHING?

3 maturational processes responsible for growing us up emergent

integrative adaptive Gordon Neufeld, PhD

Neuroscience of Flourishing – Eva de Gosztonyi

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, November 6, 2023

EMERGENT PROCESS

itality iability enturing forth

A SEPARATE BEING capable of functioning SEPARATELY & INDEPENDENTLY

THE EMERGENT CHILD

• curious • has plans • own ideas and values • creative • full of vitality • sense of responsibility • independent • aware of other’s boundaries • shifts easily into emergent play

When ATTACHMENT needs are met EMERGENCE happens 5

INTEGRATIVE PROCESS

A SOCIAL BEING able to do ‘TOGETHERNESS’ AND ‘SEPARATENESS’ SIMULTANEOUSLY (e. g. civilized, responsible, considerate, respectful)

On the one hand

On the other hand

MY needs

The needs of OTHERS

Neuroscience of Flourishing – Eva de Gosztonyi

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, November 6, 2023

INTEGRATIVE PROCESS Depends on the DEVELOPMENT OF THE BRAIN – especially the PREFRONTAL CORTEX and CORPUS CALLOSUM BUT Prefrontal cortex only starts to engage at the age of 5 years-old The capacity for registering more than one feeling at a time develops between 5 to 7 years of age. The Prefrontal Cortex takes until at least mid-twenties to stabilize in development 7

THE INTEGRATIVE CHILD

• co-operative • considerate • tempered • self-controlled • patient • just • courageous • has perspective

The BRAIN develops best in ATTACHMENT

ADAPTIVE PROCESS A RESILIENT BEING

NCE B

DOWN

BOU

LET

AC K

capable of BECOMING TRANSFORMED when up against that which we cannot change

GRIEVING

Gordon Neufeld, PhD 9

Neuroscience of Flourishing – Eva de Gosztonyi

• learns from mistakes and failures

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, November 6, 2023

THE ADAPTIVE

• accepts limits and restrictions

CHILD

• transcends handicaps and disabilities • resilient • resourceful • confident in the face of adversity • can bounce back

ADAPTATION happens in the safety of ATTACHMENT 10

Separate being

Resilient and resourceful

emergent

• learns from mistakes • resilient & resourceful integrative • recovers from trauma • benefits from adversity adaptive • learns from consequences • adapts to circumstances ATTACHMENT

Civilized and considerate • well-tempered • considerate & civilized • balanced / perspective • appreciates context • can solve problems • egalitarian values • learns from dissonance 11

Separate being

Resilient and resourceful

emergent

• learns from mistakes • resilient & resourceful integrative • recovers from trauma • benefits from adversity adaptive • learns from consequences • adapts to circumstances ATTACHMENT

Civilized and considerate • well-tempered • considerate & civilized • balanced / perspective • appreciates context • can solve problems • egalitarian values • learns from dissonance 12

Neuroscience of Flourishing – Eva de Gosztonyi

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, November 6, 2023

emergent adaptive

integrative

What are the conditions that CONVERT attachment into maturations?

What needs to be in that GAP between the ROOTS and the MATURING PROCESSES that bear the FLOURISHING FRUIT

emergent adaptive

integrative

rest

Neuroscience of Flourishing – Eva de Gosztonyi

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, November 6, 2023

DEEP REST HOW to provide it 1. Do the WORK of attachment so that the child can rest. 2. Provide COMFORT to the child when futility is encountered, making it easy to find the tears of sadness and disappointment. 3. BRIDGE all problem behaviour and convey an invitation to exist in the context of shortcoming. 16

emergent adaptive

integrative

feelings

They need to FEEL what they are experiencing

• feelings are key to well-being and healthy functioning • feelings are key to the spontaneous unfolding of human potential as well to becoming considerate and civilized • feelings are key to healing, recovery, resilience and overcoming disabilities including learning disabilities • feelings are key to learning from experience, including failure and consequences • most of our troubling syndromes have a loss of feeling at the core - depression, aggression, bullying, stuckness, restlessness, anxiety problems, adrenalin-seeking, addictions, behaviour problems, etc 18

Neuroscience of Flourishing – Eva de Gosztonyi

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, November 6, 2023

IMPORTANCE OF FEELING Butler. 2009 . After 9/11 – those who were able to benefit from the tragedy were those with: •

a willingness to express sadness

•

a less catastrophic view of the world

• •

good social support – personal and community less media exposure

Greer and Morris, 1975 • Women with cancerous breast lumps characteristically exhibited extreme suppression of anger and other feelings, compared with those without cancerous breast lumps Wirsching et al.1982 had similar findings Maté . 2012 When the Body Says, “No”. 19

They need to FEEL what they are experiencing

• one can BE sick, hurt, hungry, tired, frustrated, angry, ashamed, alarmed, embarrassed, attached, in love, etc – without feeling it at any given time, or even at all, if somatic feedback to the brain is defensively inhibited systemically instead of situationally as in healthy functioning

EMOTIONS and FEELINGS Neuroscientists have noted that unconscious emotional arousal is possible, distinguishing feeling states from emotional ones. Damasio states that there is “no evidence that we are conscious of all of our feelings, and much to suggest that we are not.” • differentiate emotion from feeling (i.e., consciousness of emotion) • with the realization that the luxury of feeling cannot be afforded if the circumstances are too stressful (inhibition), • laying the conceptual groundwork for a neuroscience of defense. Jaak Panksepp, Antonio Damasio, and Joseph LeDoux

Neuroscience of Flourishing – Eva de Gosztonyi

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, November 6, 2023

emergent adaptive

• satiated • sad

integrative

• conflicted

feelings

frustrated

alarmed

inclined to attack

inclined to attach

driven by impulses

about & concerned consequences

violent urges

nonviolent intentions

impulse to hurt

caring impulses

Frustration and caring feelings = Concern for self

and

PATIENCE

caring for another =

CONSIDERATION

Impulse to react and caring about the impact = Fear of the caring about and dragon the treasure

SELF-CONTROL =

COURAGE

Neuroscience of Flourishing – Eva de Gosztonyi

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, November 6, 2023

emergent adaptive

integrative

play

PLAY

l rea

NO Tw

or Tf NO

o rk

expressive 26

NEUROSCIENCE OF PLAY Peter Gray, 2011 Escalating diagnoses of childhood anxiety, depression and ADHD have paralleled the loss of play Durkin, K et al., 2022 A 6-year follow-up study revealed that children who attended academic vs play-based preschool programmes had more academic and learning problems in grade 6. Emily Freeman et al. 2022 The frequency and quality of roughand-tumble play with Dad was associated with better working memory capacity and fewer working memory problems. Pellis 2010 Rough and tumble play, generates the neural circuits that enable animals to accurately read ambiguous social signals, thus building their social intelligence and capacity for relationship. 27

Neuroscience of Flourishing – Eva de Gosztonyi

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, November 6, 2023

NEUROSCIENCE OF PLAY Panksepp (2004) One function of play is to take you to the edge of your emotional knowledge, so you can learn what you can and cannot do to others Panksepp (2007) In addition, in humans, play facilitates the maturation of the frontal lobe inhibitory skills that enable a child to reflect, look, listen, and feel before acting on primaryprocess emotional urges. This promotes empathy, imagination, and creative play. Diamond (2013) Sustained engagement in an activity demands the ability to stay selectively focused on the situation at present, tune out distractions, and hold the information in our heads. Play provides the ideal situation for a child to develop this kind of focus. 28

What happens when • There is no rest • Feelings are not felt • There is no room for play?

Neuroscience of Flourishing – Eva de Gosztonyi

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, November 6, 2023

THE NEED FOR ATTACHMENT Attachment is our greatest need

Separation our greatest fear 31

NEGLECT losing face both paren im e n io t ts wo b edt a rking liz TRAUMA it a p s personal injury f o a ilure h IF e

r dis ca ol mov o y h c ab i a ng d ilit s y e isola ve loss of lo d on tion n sibli g r ATH e E h D t g ano facin ST loneliness LO threats g to iden n tity ei ion DIVORCE b sec resi adopt rets d sch ential ool T E N E M CHANGE US TIRE

STRESs?

EMOTIONAL SOLUTIONS TO DISTRESS closure separationtriggered

PURSUIT

ALARM caution

FRUSTRATION change

THE BRAIN IS MOVES US TO DO SOMETHING

Neuroscience of Flourishing – Eva de Gosztonyi

ALARM SYSTEM is in the LIMBIC SYSTEM (EMOTIONAL BRAIN)

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, November 6, 2023

Its job is to ensure our SURVIVAL

NOTES A THREAT “smoke detector”

ACTIVATES THE RESPONSE – Sympathetic Nervous System

REMEMBERS WHAT THREATENS US Memory 34

SYMPATHETIC NERVOUS SYSTEM the system of ACTIVATION • Cortisol – increase blood sugar – suppress immune system • Adrenaline – increases heart and respiratory rate • Norepinephrine – responsible for vigilant concentration • Growth Hormone – increases glucose

• Constricts blood vessels • Sharp Increase in Breathing & Heart Rate • Blood diverts to Muscles • Suspends “rest & digest”

Emotion becomes FEELING when it is FELT or becomes conscious FEELING

TEARS “I’m scared.”

“It’s not working.”

SADNESS

EMOTIONS are not always FELT but they still exist.

FRUSTRATION ALARM ad

re n

in e co

EMOTION rti

heart rate blood pressure 36

Neuroscience of Flourishing – Eva de Gosztonyi

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, November 6, 2023

mediated sympathetic branch of the (family, autonomic nervous LOCK by OR the OLLOW OR IND OR ANCY friends, fame,system fortune) devolving into

&closure FixesATTACH Fixations separationtriggered

PURSUIT

ALARM

FRUSTRATION change

caution

AVOID FlIGHT

ATTACK FIGHT

The stress Theresponse stress response transposed in the to‘key’ the ‘key’ of of

LOCK OR OLLOW OR IND OR ANCY (family, friends, fame, fortune) devolving into

Fixes &closure Fixations separationtriggered

PURSUIT

ALARM

FRUSTRATION change

caution

FIGHT

FlIGHT

The stress response in the ‘key’ of

E REMOTI

se on sp Re tic the pa ym ras Pa

Sy mp ath eti cR es po ns e

S P ON ON A SE L

first response

if trapped or thwarted, can trigger a reverse swing of the pendulum 39

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, November 6, 2023

se on sp Re tic the pa ym ras Pa

Sy mp ath eti cR es po ns e

Neuroscience of Flourishing – Eva de Gosztonyi

as a last resort , the parasympathetic system can be deployed as a defensive response to stress

E REMOTI

S P ON ON A SE L

first response

if trapped or thwarted, can trigger a reverse swing of the pendulum

e ez re gued l F or ati etfu int y, F rg Fa ogg , Fo F ble e Fe

VASOVAGAL RESPONSE When action cannot save us the Dorsal Vagal Complex – ultimate emergency system - kicks in: - Reduces metabolism to parts of the body - Heart rate drops - Breathing is affected - Gut is affected - Disengage – collapse - freeze Stephen Porges (2011) The Polyvagal Theory The Body Keeps the Score: Bessel Van Der Kolk – page 84

Stress Response • gives us the TOUGHNESS Too much separation needed to function or perform Primal emotions are elevated FEELINGS that would interfere with performing or functioning in stressful circumstances are inhibited

in highly stressful or wounding circumstances • enables us to CHANGE ourselves as needed in order to cope with adversity and survive the distressing circumstances (often referred to as being ‘resilient’ or ‘adaptive’) • summons up all our resources so we can OVERCOME stressful circumstances

Neuroscience of Flourishing – Eva de Gosztonyi

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, November 6, 2023

Too much separation Too much shame Too much alarm

• It’s not safe to express what I am feeling. • It’s not safe to depend or be vulnerable.

• The world is overwhelming and there is no one who can keep me safe.

Effects of ADVERSE EXPERIENCES or too much SENSITIVITY

Brain’s Mechanisms of Defense 2. the brain is designed to protect its host from a vulnerability too much to bear (this is not disorder) (Bessel van der Kolk) 1. the purpose of these defenses is to enable us to do our work (no one is defenseless) and to equip us to function in wounding environments

3. defenses work best when employed situationally and temporarily

4. defenses are automatic and mechanistic and are not willfully controlled 44

DEFENSES - SEEN Default State Network – DSN: •

Mid-line brain structures involved in a sense of self

•

Contribute to “consciousness”

•

Ruth Lanius 2005 – MRI – patients with PTSD had significantly lower levels of DSN activity in the brain than those without PTSD.

“The more that people were out of touch with their feelings, the less activity they had in the self-sensing areas of the brain.” Paul Frewen. The Body Keeps the Score: Bessel Van Der Kolk - Chapter 6

Neuroscience of Flourishing – Eva de Gosztonyi

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, November 6, 2023

BEHAVIOUR FEELING

• Anxiety • Obsessions • Compulsions • Panic • Attention problems • Agitation • Hyperactivity • Poor memory

BRAIN SUPPRESSES DEFENDS

EMOTION

ALARM ad

re n

a li

ne co

rti

heart rate blood pressure G. Neufeld, PhD.

BEHAVIOUR • Impatience • Irritability • Tantrums • Physical outbursts • Self attack • Depression

FEELING BRAIN SUPPRESSES DEFENDS

EMOTION

FRUSTRATION ad

re n

a li

ne co

rti

heart rate blood pressure G. Neufeld, PhD.

Why does our brain protect us? 2. The shell is necessary so we can function but it should be temporary.

1.When we don’t “feel”, we can keep from getting hurt.

Vulnerability

3. There needs to be an “end of the day” where/when the feelings But that can be messy as can come children often let out back “big” emotions with the people they love the most 48

Neuroscience of Flourishing – Eva de Gosztonyi

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, November 6, 2023

Stress Response

When feelings fail vs Resilience Response to bounce back, the stress response turnsFeelings into a systemic that have been inhibited bounce back to enable optimal functioning and the realization of full REASONS for thepotential failure to recover lost feelings:

becomes Elevated Instincts and Emotion

FEELINGS that would interfere 1. the stress is not letting up with performing or • SAFE RELATIONSHIPS functioning in stressful 2. a lack of timely access to circumstances safe sanctuaries for feeling are inhibited • EMOTIONAL PLAYGROUNDS 3. the flight from feeling has become entrenched 50

Strength of DEFENSE

came through adversity

OVERCOMING

stubbornly persists

fro m

came through to function adequately in society re su lts

changes to withstand or cope with adversive or distressing conditions can function or perform in highly stressful or wounding circumstances – a ‘toughness’ resulting from being armoured

Strength of BECOMING

- meant to be characteristic -

PERSEVERING SURVIVING RESILIENT ADAPTIVE HARDY

not undone by distress the growth force persists

gs RK lin O fee t W m ren fro he lts in su eir re g th in do

aL OS So ff ee lin g

- meant to be situational -

came through with heart mended & spirits revived

recovers quickly after times of stress transformed from inside out by adversity doesn’t need to be protected from stress to preserve growth potential

Stress into Strength

Neuroscience of Flourishing – Eva de Gosztonyi

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, November 6, 2023

What is missing in the stress response?

or k w c floollo f

Encounters with futility

FIX ES T GH I l F

faint or freeze

feelings of futility

NS TIO A IX FIG HT

fin d fan or cy

Sadness is ... the most pivotal

... the most profound

... the most powerful ... the most perplexing

... the most pathologized of all human feelings. ... and the most

problematic

The Empowering Work of Sadness

Encounters

Brings the with futility powerful primal emotions to REST, converting their energy to be safely released through sadness and thus rendering us less driven by forces within (and so empowered)

feelings of futility

Neuroscience of Flourishing – Eva de Gosztonyi

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, November 6, 2023

TEARS Frey, William H. et al (1981). Composition of tears caused by emotion differs from that of tears as a reaction to irritations, (e.g. onion fumes, dust etc.) Emotional tears are composed of more protein-based hormones, such as prolactin, andrenocorticotropic, and leucine enkephalin. Frey, William (1985) Crying: the mystery of tears. When we no longer need the chemicals of action, if they stay in our system too long – they become toxins

TOPOGRAPHY OF TEARS Rose-Lynn Fisher http://rose-lynnfisher.com/tears.html

TEARS and CRYING Rottenberg, Bylsma, Vingerhoets (2008) U of Florida • improvement of mood after a bout of crying (majority) • criers receiving social support during their crying episodes most likely to report improvements in mood. • bodily calming lasts longer than unpleasant arousal • lack of emotional insight may prevent kind of cognitive change required for a sad experience to be turned into something positive • crying may assist in generally maintaining biological homeostasis

Vingerhoets (2013) Why Only Humans Weep: unravelling the mystery of tears: Perry, Benjamin (2023) Cry Baby, Why our Tears Matter "What I think is actually more effective is if you just really try to to feel deeply and to rekindle that ability to have full and robust emotions. If you can do that, the crying will come." 57

Neuroscience of Flourishing – Eva de Gosztonyi

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, November 6, 2023

The Empowering Work of Sadness

Encounters

Brings the with futility powerful primal emotions to REST, RECOVERS converting their energy hope and perspective, to be safely released the capacity for fulfillment through sadness and thus and happiness, as well rendering us less driven as the spontaneous by forces within (and so empowered) unfolding of feelings potential

of futility

STRENGTHENS the SELF in the wake of stress as the brain registers that survival has not been at stake 58

Parasympathetic Nervous System • Helps to restore calm • Heart Rate goes down • Breathing slows • “rest and digest” return The brain and body are no longer driven to “do something”. Allows for the activation of the Right Hemisphere of the brain.

THE DIVIDED BRAIN The Master and His Emissary: Iain McGilchrist Birds and animals all have divided brains, • one hemisphere for the narrow attention that enables them to lock onto whatever it is they need to get, e. g. seed amongst pebbles • one hemisphere for vigilant attention to the world at large, so as to make sense of it, on the look-out for whatever else may exist, e. g. in order to avoid getting eaten Humans: • we use our LEFT HEMISPHERE to grasp & manipulate • the RIGHT HEMISPHERE to understand the world at large and how things within it relate to one another, as well as our relationship with it as a whole. 60

Neuroscience of Flourishing – Eva de Gosztonyi

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, November 6, 2023

THE DIVIDED BRAIN The left hemisphere role is to narrow things down to a certainty, The right hemisphere role is to open things up into possibility. In life we need both. The left hemisphere sees things as: • fixed and static • isolated and atomistic The right hemisphere recognizes that things: • can change and flow • are reciprocally interconnected There is evidence that those of highest intelligence, whatever their discipline, may rely more on the right hemisphere. The Master and His Emissary: Iain McGilchrist

THE DIVIDED BRAIN The right hemisphere: • sees more • is more in touch with reality • is more intellectually sophisticated The left hemisphere: • does not understand things, so much as process them IT IS THE RIGHT HEMISPHERE THAT IS THE BASIS OF UNDERSTANDING. I believe there has been until very recently a blindness among neuroscientists to the contributions made by the right hemisphere. (p. 129) The Master and His Emissary: Iain McGilchrist

LEFT HEMISPHERE

RIGHT HEMISPHERE

• looks at the whole • learns facts picture • de-contextualized • makes sense of the • focus is on details details and rules • considers context • abstract • seeks understanding • wants THE answer When the answer can’t be had then the brain needs to switch from Left Hemisphere to Right Hemisphere Tears allow the brain to rid itself of the chemicals of the Sympathetic Nervous System to be able to allow the brain to go into Parasympathetic mode The Right Hemisphere functions best when the Left Hemisphere is not too involved in having to find THE answer63

Neuroscience of Flourishing – Eva de Gosztonyi

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, November 6, 2023

REST AND THE BRAIN Wang, Liu, Cheng and Zhou .2021. Segregation, integration, and balance of large-scale resting brain networks configure different cognitive abilities . • Mastering diverse cognitive tasks is crucial for humans. We study how the brain’s functional organization at rest is configured to support diverse cognitive phenotypes. • Resting brain networks are on average close to a balanced state. This state allows for a balanced time dwelling at segregated and integrated configurations and highly flexible switching between them. • Resting brains are thus supposed to balance the segregation and integration so as to satisfy competing cognitive demands.

SADNESS brings RECOVERY and turns STRESS into STRENGTH

DOWN

BOUN

LET

CE B AC K

ADAPTATION

HELP THAT IS

HELPFUL!!

• keeping or restoring perspective • right thinking / being positive • pursuing happiness • resisting the ‘let-down’ • acquiring the ‘skills’ of resilience • pursuing calmness & tranquility

Neuroscience of Flourishing – Eva de Gosztonyi

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, November 6, 2023

ADAPTATION Adaptation requires a soft heart and a safe place to cry a soft heart = able to tolerate feelings of vulnerability a safe place to cry = someone who will keep you safe while you are being vulnerable 67

SENSING ADAPTATION When a child MOVES INTO in the ADAPTIVE mode an internal shift occurs which can be noted: the child may quiver, sigh, deep breaths and allow tears to go deeper In that moment they come back into relationship with us Our role is to be the midwives to an adaptive process – Adults are meant to keep this natural process on track 68

HELPING THE TEARS TO FLOW 1. Start by talking about and reflecting back the Emotion i. Frustration: “That didn’t work for you.” “That was not what you had in mind.” ii. Alarm: “That was scary.” “You weren’t sure what was going to happen”. iii. Seeking: “You really wanted them to like you.” 2. MATCH THE EMOTION. 3. THEN: Move subtly towards SADNESS by allowing a tinge of sadness in your voice. 4. USE SILENCE 69

Neuroscience of Flourishing – Eva de Gosztonyi

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, November 6, 2023

HELPING THE TEARS TO FLOW 5. When the child starts to cry: • DON’T ASK WHY • If the child gives a reason, don’t MINIMIZE. If it seems trivial, it is usually because the child has an ocean of tears within them and can’t give all the reasons. 6. When the tears start: SIT QUIETLY with compassion • Trust in the “bounce back” • Resist the natural alpha instinct to make things better or to problem solve 7. Give lots of space to SADNESS and TEARS. 8. Problem solve well after the tears (if needed)

HELPING THE TEARS TO FLOW AN OLDER CHILD 1. Sad movies, YouTube, sad story… 2. In a dark room – in a dark car 3. Shoulder to shoulder 4. Slight tinge of sadness in voice 5. Normalize sadness and tears 6. Once tears appear, if resistant, CHANGE THE TOPIC BUT REJOICE IN THE SADNESS 71

The ADAPTIVE Process & Fruit • able to learn from mistakes and failures

• RELEASE of stuck emotion • RESOLVES aggression, alarm symptoms, and fixes & fixations

encounters with futility

• enables the process of letting go

• RELIEF from emotionally-driven behaviour • REST, both situationally and systemically • RECOVERY from loss and trauma • RESILIENCE in the wake of the tears

• able to benefit from correction and consequences

feelings of futility

• able to transcend handicaps & disabilities • able to accept limitations and restrictions • able to accept not getting one’s way 72

Neuroscience of Flourishing – Eva de Gosztonyi

WO UND ING g tin len SS e r un RE

un sepbaearable ratio n

sadness

feelings

trag edy

sing distresstances circum loss & lack

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, November 6, 2023

ty rtain unce t toghreate eth ne ern d ess ARM

chaos

NO l

re a

or Tf

o rk

expressive

Gordon Neufeld, PhD

THE ROLE OF PLAY IN DEVELOPMENT EMERGENT PROCESS – THE SELF Play is where the SELF is truly expressed. THE CHILD’S • desires • want-to’s • curiosity • intentions • initiatives • aspirations • expression • personal meaning

CREA TIVIT Y

DISCOVERY

N RATIO EXPLO Where the child creates a sense of WHO he/she IS.

Neuroscience of Flourishing – Eva de Gosztonyi

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, November 6, 2023

THE ROLE OF PLAY IN DEVELOPMENT INTEGRATIVE PROCESS - OTHERS Play is where inner conflict first arises. THE CHILD • figures things out • dares to make mistakes • notices similarities & difference • uses trial & error • learns to get along with others

DISC OVER Y

E NC NA O S DIS

TRIAL AND ERROR A leap from purity & impulsiveness into a world of inner conflict

THE ROLE OF PLAY IN DEVELOPMENT ADAPTIVE PROCESS - RESILIENCE Playing with separation, lack and loss. THE CHILD • flirts with difficult emotions • imagines the unimaginable • feels sadness “one step removed” • able to tolerate the adaptive process – going down and rebounding

EXPLORATION SADNESS RE CO VE RY

A leap from weakness & fragility into strength & resilience

LOSING THE SPACE TO PLAY David Elkind in the Power of Play - over the past two decades, children have lost twelve hours of free time a week, including eight hours of unstructured play and outdoor activities. Stuart Brown on the Status of Play (Encyclopedia of Play Science) - outdoor play has decreased by 71% in one generation in both the US and the UK.

Escalating diagnoses of childhood anxiety, depression and ADHD has paralleled the loss of Play - Peter Gray, 2011 78

Neuroscience of Flourishing – Eva de Gosztonyi

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, November 6, 2023

PLAY and EMOTIONAL WELL-BEING When children are “stirred up” emotionally, their PLAY can reflect themes they are struggling with. PLAY is how they naturally make sense of all the emotions they are experiencing. In PLAY, pictures are drawn, structures are made, and games are engaged in to ALLOW EMOTIONS TO COME OUT in a way that feels “safer”.

PLAY and EMOTIONAL WELL-BEING Dr. Porges describes play as • a “neural exercise” healing behavioral and emotional dysregulation. • a necessary tool in our toolbox for supporting children with behavioral challenges. • a neural exercise in that it flexes the “muscle” of emotional regulation through reciprocal interactions under conditions of safety with others. • It’s one of the most Stephen Porges, The therapeutic things we can do Polyvagal Theory, 2011 with children. 80

FACING ALARM IN PLAY Play is like a release valve – it allows the emotions to move through. • Covid tag • playing with monsters • being the monster • scary stories (one step removed) • pretending to be scared • playing “disaster” • playing hospital/being sick 81

Neuroscience of Flourishing – Eva de Gosztonyi

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, November 6, 2023

FACING SEPARATION IN PLAY Play is a place to process their internal world • hide and seek • play the orphan • play and replay the birth of a brother • pretending to be a creature (for example, a dog or a cat) to get affection • play baby or play sick to ask for care • fairy tales where children are lost or face separation “It is through play that children get to imagine how they will survive in the face of adversity.” Hannah Beach

TAKING FRUSTRATION INTO PLAY Playing out the impulses to MAKE THINGS WORK • building – Lego, blocks, robots • making things perfect – puzzles • constructing and crafts When children can’t make their world work, let’s give them a chance to make other things “work”. 83

TAKING FRUSTRATION INTO PLAY PLAYING OUT the impulses to ATTACK or DESTROY • destroying and demolishing • hitting and throwing • kicking and screaming • war games • attacking games • play fighting • reduces levels of frustration • decreases aggression and violence in real life

Neuroscience of Flourishing – Eva de Gosztonyi

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, November 6, 2023

MAKE TIME FOR PLAY When children play alone, they are creating an identity, or they are working through their emotions. When children play with each other, they practice getting along with another, and/or are working through their emotions. When children play with adults, attachment increases, and they are working through their emotions. 85

WO UND ING ng nti ele ESS r n u TR

un sepbaearable ratio n

sadness

ty rtain unce

feelings

trag edy

sing distresstances m u c cir loss & lack

t toghreate eth ne ern d ess ARM

chaos

SAFE TOGETHERNESS Every moment of every day our children wonder: Who is taking care of me? 87

Neuroscience of Flourishing – Eva de Gosztonyi

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, November 6, 2023

SAFE TOGETHERNESS

I. Prioritize ATTACHMENT II. Understand and compensate for IMMATURITY III. Allow for EMOTIONAL EXPRESSION IV. Help children find their TEARS V. Make time for PLAY 88

I. Prioritize ATTACHMENT Treat the need for Attachment like the need for food a) provide MORE than what is asked for b) provide it GENEROUSLY

So that attachment needs are fulfilled 89

The Power of Attachment James Coan (2006)

Neuroscientists put 16 married women in a stressful situation - they knew they would receive mild electric shocks. When a friendly male volunteer held their hand, scans showed less activity in the parts of the brain that respond to danger. The effect was even greater when the hand belonged to the participant’s spouse.

Neuroscience of Flourishing – Eva de Gosztonyi

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, November 6, 2023

I. Prioritize ATTACHMENT MAKE IT SAFE AND EASY TO DEPEND • Invite dependence rather than resisting it. • Take the lead in the relationship and in taking care of the child. • Inspire the trust and confidence of the child – that you are for them and can be depended upon • Don’t take advantage of a child’s smallness, inferiority, neediness, fears, or state of dependency by taking things away to gain compliance. • Remember that the other children are noting how you are responding to that child.

I. Prioritize ATTACHMENT CONVEY A STRONG ALPHA PRESENCE It is very important that children see adults as being able to handle their world: opresent yourself as the ANSWER to what the child truly needs ogive the impression that you can and will take care of the child oTAKE CHARGE of the situations and circumstances regarding the child oinvite the inevitable and convey that you can handle it Avoid PROVOKING ALPHA RESPONSES: o by revealing oneself as in need of being taken care of o by sharing feelings that the child could assume responsibility for

I. Prioritize ATTACHMENT CONVEY A STRONG ALPHA PRESENCE When you DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO o Act CONFIDENTLY o Do NOT speak of your concerns IN FRONT OF THE CHILD o In difficult situations reassure the child: • We’ll figure it out • We’ll get through this

Neuroscience of Flourishing – Eva de Gosztonyi

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, November 6, 2023

I. Prioritize ATTACHMENT READ THE NEED AND TAKE THE LEAD How to be the “ANSWER” Be the one who provides without being asked: • breakfast items ready to go • offer help when the child seems confused • do little “extra” things

SAFE TOGETHERNESS The adult role • Use “self-regulation” strategies, such as deep breathing to calm yourself • PRATICE SOUNDING CONFIDENT AND COMFORTING even though your heart is breaking for them. • Convince your alpha instincts THAT DOING “NOTHING” IS THE RIGHT RESPONSE

AVOID ‘you won’t be able to stay with us if you don’t behave’

any form of separation or isolation or love withdrawal or the anticipation of such

‘I need a break from you’ or ‘you’re too much to handle’

fueling the separation complex

‘go to your room’ or ‘get out of my sight’

ignoring and the silent treatment responses

includes contracts and ultimatums that involve separation as a possible outcome includes using what children care about against them

Neuroscience of Flourishing – Eva de Gosztonyi

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, November 6, 2023

SAFE TOGETHERNESS WHAT MIGHT INTERFERE 1. FOCUSING TOO QUICKLY ON GETTING THE CHILD TO “SELF-REGULATE”. i. The child gets the message – there is something wrong with what he or she is feeling. “I need to change before I have permission to exist in your presence.” “It is not safe to be who I am in this moment.” 2. PROCESSING AN INCIDENT BEFORE EMOTION HAS BEEN GIVEN SPACE. i. The child gets the message that they need to be “fixed”, that changing behaviour is more important than how the situation felt to them. ii. The child senses that we don’t believe that they will “grow” into doing better.

SAFE TOGETHERNESS SIGNS of a child WORKING at attachment • feeling responsible for pursuing and preserving proximity – closeness, contact, connection – of any kind • needing to hold on through clinging, clutching, imitating, conforming, making contact, trying to fit in • striving to belong, to fit in, to be good, to measure up, etc. in order to preserve a sense of closeness and connection • working for attention, approval, significance, mattering, love, status, recognition, specialness • having to be pretty, smart, charming, good, a winner, no trouble etc. in order to be liked or loved

SAFE TOGETHERNESS Make attachment UNCONDITIONAL Children are not meant to have to WORK for attachment. When they are working, they are not growing. a) avoid making relationship dependent on rewards. b) provide MORE attachment when behaviour is at its worst. 99

Neuroscience of Flourishing – Eva de Gosztonyi

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, November 6, 2023

SAFE TOGETHERNESS Come alongside to decrease alarm • Talk about how hard it is to remember and get things done • Assure the child that you will keep helping • If the child has had a “bad day” at school give extra care – warm blanket, hot chocolate, favorite treat, read an extra book When we care for our children on their bad days, we decrease their attachment alarm – this helps them become calmer and improves their behaviour

100

SAFE TOGETHERNESS BRIDGE PROBLEM BEHAVIOUR The message we want to give our children even if things are not going well - WE WILL CONTINUE TO CARE FOR THEM. “We’ll try again tomorrow.” “I still love you.” Give the child something to hold onto: • Small note • Token

BRIDGING gives the child HOPE. 101

101

II. COMPENSATE FOR IMMATURITY READ THE NEED AND TAKE THE LEAD • Organize their backpack • Keep track of their important items • Basket or box with their things – organize each week • Avoid lecturing and explaining • Help with homework • Setting out clothes at night THEY’RE NOT DOING IT ON PURPOSE 102

102

Neuroscience of Flourishing – Eva de Gosztonyi

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, November 6, 2023

II. COMPENSATE FOR IMMATURITY HOMEWORK • Set a time limit • Break into small chunks • Stay close by • Help your child stay on task by pointing to the next step • Use gestures not words • Have a fun movement break • Smile and encourage

103

II. COMPENSATE FOR IMMATURITY ROUTINES AND CHORES

• Small short tasks • Visual prompts • Stay close by

104

III. ALLOW FOR EMOTIONAL EXPRESSION

Facilitate safe eruptions of foul frustration Once the emotion has started, it needs to MOVE through. We, at times, need to facilitate ATTACK, before FUTILITY or the SADNESS AND TEARS can be found.

105

Neuroscience of Flourishing – Eva de Gosztonyi

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, November 6, 2023

III. ALLOW FOR EMOTIONAL EXPRESSION WORKING WITH FRUSTRATION CREATE OPPORTUNITIES FOR VENTING and RELEASING FRUSTRATION

• Bubble-wrap stomping • Egg carton crushing • Jumping on a trampoline • Pool-noodle sword fighting • Throwing stuffed animals • Rough-housing • Ripping cardboard 106

106

EMOTIONS ROOM A PLACE TO LET IT OUT, NOT TO KEEP IT IN

107

IV. HELP CHILDREN FIND THEIR TEARS EMBRACE SADNESS Feeling sad is vulnerable. Child needs to feel safe and accepted: • don’t ask why • provide comfort • resist problem-solving The adult must be comfortable with sadness and tears. Sadness leads to resilience and adaptation. 108

108

Neuroscience of Flourishing – Eva de Gosztonyi

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, November 6, 2023

V. MAKE TIME FOR PLAY CREATE VOIDS TO BE FILLED UP Provide time for SOLITARY PLAY Provide items that are NOT TOO SPECIFIC • PLAY TIME SHOULD NOT BE EARNED it should be scheduled and protected. • The more the child is IN TROUBLE, the MORE he/she NEEDS PLAY TIME. 109

109

WHAT DO CHILDREN NEED FROM US TO FLOURISH? • A warm invitation to exist in our presence • To believe that we will be there for them even if they are not perfect. • To believe that we will take care of things and keep them safe. • To give them the Permission and space to • feel ALL of their EMOTIONS • to have their TEARS • to PLAY as much as possible 110

110

FINAL THOUGHTS It is only in the context of a safe Attachment that children can grow and develop.

PROVIDE GENEROUSLY FORGIVE EASILY FEEL YOUR SADNESS HAVE FAITH IN NATURE’S PLAN 111

NEUROSCIENCE – FLOURISHING - REFERENCES Brown, Stuart – National Institute for Play http://www.nifplay.org/ Brown, Stuart (2014). Consequences of Play Deprivation Scholarpedia, 9(5):30449. Butler, L. D., et al. (2009). Psychosocial predictors of resilience following the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001. Journal of Nervous and Mental Disease, 19(4), pp 1-8. Coan, J., et al. (2006) Lending a Hand : Social Regulation of the Neural Response to Threat. Psychological Science, Vol. 17 Number 12 pp 1032-1039 Damasio, A. (1999) The Feeling of What Happens: Body and Emotion in the Making of Consciousness Elkind David (2007) The Power of Play: Learning What Comes Naturally Elkind, David (2008). Can we Play? https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/can_we_play Encyclopedia: Play Science - http://www.scholarpedia.org/article/Encyclopedia:Play_Science Fisher, Rose-Lynn Topography of Tears http://rose-lynnfisher.com/tears.html Frey, William H. et al. (1981). Effect of Stimulus on the Chemical Composition of Human Tears. American Journal of Ophthalmology. 92 (4): pp 559–567. Frey, William. (1985). Crying: the mystery of tears. Frewen, P. et al. (2008) Clinical and Neural Correlates of Alexithymia in Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Journal of Abnormal Psychology 117 no.1 pp 171-181 Gordon, Gwen: Integrating Conceptual Divisions Within and Between the Studies of Play and Well-being in The Handbook of the Study of Play, edited by J. E. Johnson, et al. Gordon, Gwen: https://gwengordonplay.com/publications/ Gray, Peter (2013). Free to Learn: Why Unleashing the Instinct to Play Will Make Our Children Happier, More Self-Reliant, and Better Students for Life. Greer, S. and Morris, T. (1975) Psychological Attributes of Women who Develop Breast Cancer: A Controlled Study Journal of Psychosomatic Research 19 no.2 Lanius, Ruth et al. (2005) Functional connectivity of dissociative responses in posttraumatic stress disorder: a functional magnetic resonance imaging investigation. Biological Psychiatry Volume 57, Issue 8, 15 pp 873-884 LeDoux, Joseph. (2015). Anxious: Using the Brain to Understand and Treat Fear and Anxiety Liu, C. (2017). Neuroscience and learning through play: a review of the evidence – White Paper November 2017 https://www.legofoundation.com/media/1064/neuroscience-review_web.pdf Maté, Gabor (2022). The Myth of Normal McGilchrist, Iain (2010). The Master and his Emissary http://iainmcgilchrist.com/ McGilchrist, Iain Interview on NPR - https://www.npr.org/2019/02/01/690656459/one-head-two-brains-howthe-brains-hemispheres-shape-the-world-we-see Panksepp, J. (2010). THE IMPORTANCE OF PLAY interview with Passion Jun M.D. in Brain World https://brainworldmagazine.com/the-importance-of-play-an-interview-with-dr-jaak-panksepp/ Panksepp, J. (2012). The Archaeology of the Mind: Neuroevolutionary Origins of Human Emotions Perry, Benjamin (2023) Cry, Baby: Why our Tears Matter www.cbc.ca/listen/live-radio/1-59-tapestry/clip/15993394-let-cry-baby Porges, S. (2022). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication and Self-regulation Rottenberg, J., Bylsma L.M., Vingerhoets, JJM (2008). Is Crying Beneficial? https://doi.org/10.1111/j.14678721.2008.00614.x Van der Kolk, Bessel (2014). The Body Keeps the Score Vingerhoets, Ad (2013). Why Only Humans Weep: unravelling the mystery of tears Wirsching, M. et al. (1982) Psychological Identification of Breast Cancer Patients Before Biopsy Journal of Psychosomatic Research 26 no.1 Wang, R. et al. (2021) Segregation, integration, and balance of large-scaleresting brain networks configure different cognitive abilities. PNAS https://www.pnas.org/doi/pdf/10.1073/pnas.2022288118

- A NEUFELD INSTITUTE & JACK HIROSE CONFERENCE -

EMOTIONAL HEALTH & WELL-BEING TOWARDS FLOURISHING CHILDREN & YOUTH

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 6 - WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 8, 2023 Hilton Garden Inn Saskatoon Downtown 90 22 St E, Saskatoon, SK S7K 3X6

DEBORAH MACNAMARA, PH.D.

WORKSHOP #3 Making Sense of Attention Problems Day One | 12:45pm - 4:00pm

Deborah MacNamara, PhD is a clinical counsellor and educator with more than 25 years’ experience working with children, youth, and adults. She is on faculty at the Neufeld Institute, operates a counselling practice, and speaks regularly about child and adolescent development to parents, child care providers, educators, and mental health professionals. She is also the author of the best-selling book Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (Or Anyone Who Acts Like One), which provides a 360-degree developmental walk around the young child, and The Sorry Plane, a children’s picture book

208-197 Forester Street North Vancouver, BC, Canada V7H 0A6 t 604 924 0296

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DAY 1

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Making Sense of Attention Problems - D. MacNamara, PhD

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8, 2023

Making Sense of Attention Problems Deborah MacNamara, Ph.D. Developmental and Clinical Counsellor Director, Kid’s Best Bet Counselling Faculty, Neufeld Institute

Overview Part 1

Anatomy of Attention

Part 2

Two Common Types of Attention Problems

Part 3

Helping Children Grow Out of Attention Problems

Part One

Anatomy of Attention 3

Making Sense of Attention Problems - D. MacNamara, PhD

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8, 2023

MATURATION is required to develop depth and breadth to attention

EITHER-OR focus

prefrontal cortex

Making Sense of Attention Problems - D. MacNamara, PhD

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8, 2023

THIS-AND attention

both eyes multiple senses conflicting signals differing thoughts & memories dissonant feelings & impulses competing agendas & values both brain hemispheres differing viewpoints

conflict, difference, discord, dissonance

Making Sense of Attention Problems - D. MacNamara, PhD

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8, 2023

A PEDAGOGY for the INTEGRATIVE create dissonance & let it do the teaching • presenting different points of view • confronting with the element(s) not considered • cooperative learning • using argument, debate and the dialectic • forming thesis and antithesis • revealing the subjective nature of ‘truth’ • defining and differentiating various perspectives and reference points

An AnNONintegrative integrative childchild … … … learns from dissonance … appreciates context

… overcomes impulsiveness … exercises self-control

… overcomes black & white thinking

… is considerate

… understands irony & paradox

… is civilized … has perspective

… works towards a goal … is capable of true cooperation

… can be patient when frustrated … understands fairness

… thinks two-dimensionally … develops morally

… can mix well with others

MATURATION is required to develop depth and breadth to attention

Attention is driven by a HIERARCHY of needs and dynamics

Making Sense of Attention Problems - D. MacNamara, PhD

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8, 2023

- to what threatens us or makes us feel unsafe, to what is wrong

ALARM

ATTACHMENT - hunger for proximity – attention is

directed who and what we are attached to

HUNGER

- attention is directed to food

ADAPTATION

- to what distresses, to what saddens or disappoints, to what cannot be changed

INDIVIDUATION - to the unfamiliar and unknown, to

interests and passions, to aspirations

INTEGRATION - to the tempering element, ie, to what conflicts with whatever was first in focus

providing alpha instincts to take responsibility for to orient and to inform to care for & take care of to protect & defend to guide and direct to look out for to possess to lead to hide needs to give the orders to transmit one’s values to command and prescribe

ING PROVID

seeking

seeking dependent instincts dependent instincts to trust in & depend upon to get one’s bearings to be taken care of to serve and obey to seek assistance to look up to to belong to follow to express needs to wait for orders to look for guidance to comply and conform

SIX PHASES OF ATTACHMENT DEVELOPMENT

SENSES belonging & loyalty

sameness significance

love being known

Making Sense of Attention Problems - D. MacNamara, PhD

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8, 2023

MAXIMIZE ATTACHMENT Attachment Behaviours • • • • • • • • • •

Using a person’s name Greet at the door Remembering what’s important to the person Caring for in unexpected ways Feeding Looking at with fondness/twinkle in the eye “Help me understand” Listening with full attention even if only for a moment Circulate to collect students Learn and chat about student’s interests

ALARM

- to what threatens us or makes us feel unsafe, to what is wrong

ATTACHMENT - hunger for proximity – attention is

directed who and what we are attached to

HUNGER

- attention is directed to food

ADAPTATION

- to what distresses, to what saddens or disappoints, to what cannot be changed

INDIVIDUATION - to the unfamiliar and unknown, to

interests and passions, to aspirations

INTEGRATION - to the tempering element, ie, to what conflicts with whatever was first in focus

Making Sense of Attention Problems - D. MacNamara, PhD

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8, 2023

The Alarm System separation anxiety

phobias

trouble focusing

risk taking

obsessions scattered attention

nightmares hyperactivity

restless

nervous over conscientious

full of fear

incessant worrying

startle response

panic

MATURATION is required to develop depth and breadth to attention

Attention is driven by a HIERARCHY of needs and dynamics

Focus is achieved through TUNING OUT competing input

The Reticular Activating System (RAS) filters out the ‘noise’.

’s one one’s attachments Focus is achieved through TUNING OUT whatever the brain considers NOT to be relevant to what is driving attention at the moment.

Making Sense of Attention Problems - D. MacNamara, PhD

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8, 2023

The Reticular Activating System (RAS) filters out all nonalarming input.

what alarms The scanning mode and filtered input will interfere with focusing or concentrating on anything else but alarming activities that match the shortened attention span.

Anatomy of Attention

What can go wrong with the focus system?

Making Sense of Attention Problems - D. MacNamara, PhD

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8, 2023

Problems in seeing anything that makes them feel bad, ”defensive blindness” The tuning out mechanism can be hijacked to serve a more urgent function – to defend against an overwhelming sense of emotional vulnerability. When serving this purpose, the ability to focus is adversely affected.

THREE COMMON ATTENTION PROBLEMS - in order of frequency of occurrence • IMMATURITY-BASED • ALARM-BASED • HYPERSENSITIVITY-BASED

’s attachments one attachments one’s

Making Sense of Attention Problems - D. MacNamara, PhD

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8, 2023

easily distracted ’s attachments one attachments one’s • enhanced sensorium (hypersensitivity)

• ‘ experts’ at irrelevant information

• exceptional ‘ brightness’ • spontaneous attempts at patterning and noise reduction

• dysfunction increases as levels of stimulation increase

Attention Problems

Facing separation is the primary cause of defensive blindness

Peer interaction is a major source of wounding. • too much separation • too much shame • feeling too unsafe

Some children are born too sensitive for the world they find themselves in and become defended for that reason.

Making Sense of Attention Problems - D. MacNamara, PhD

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8, 2023

- Experiencing a sense of insignificance, not being wanted, not being liked, not mattering, too much to handle – in the context of those we are attached to - The lack of invitation to exist in the presence of the persons we are most attached to, or feeling responsible for their feelings - Separation based discipline and punishment - Orienting to one’s peers or dominance issues - Facing death or the realization that something bad can happen to you

We need to back away from futile attempts to change symptom behaviour - discipline works least with those who need it most • from trying to teach a lesson • from attempting to make accountable • from using separation punitively • from applying sanctions or withdrawing privileges • from shaming or attempting to alarm • from lecturing or admonishing

THREE COMMON ATTENTION PROBLEMS - in order of frequency of occurrence • IMMATURITY-BASED • ALARM-BASED • HYPERSENSITIVITY-BASED

Making Sense of Attention Problems - D. MacNamara, PhD

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8, 2023

Problems tuning out IRRELEVANT and COMPETING stimulation 1. The tuning out filters and mechanisms (Reticular Activing System) can be damaged or dysfunctional. - as a result of genetics - during prenatal development - during birth and possibly as a result of premature cutting of the umbilical cord - as a result of neurotransmitter deficiencies

what distresses

scattered attention seeks distraction what distresses

• suppressed sensorium

• poor memory for distressing events

• more tolerant of distressing and wounding environments

• attention problems increase with possibility of wounding

Making Sense of Attention Problems - D. MacNamara, PhD

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8, 2023

Attention Problems

A comparison of the two kinds of attention problems

Filter Dysfunction

Defensive Blindness

enhanced sensorium (ie, hypersensitivity)

suppressed sensorium

exceptional ‘ brightness’

normal range of intelligence

spontaneous attempts at patterning & noise reduction

more tolerant of stimulating and noisy environments

excellent memory for distressing events

poor memory for distressing events

easily distracted by extraneous information

scattered attention / seeks distraction

dysfunction increases with stimulation

dysfunction increases with possibility of wounding

Making Sense of Attention Problems - D. MacNamara, PhD

Filter Dysfunction

Defensive Blindness

the blinders do NOT work, resulting in a child who senses too much

the blinders DO work, but serve a defensive function

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8, 2023

Tuning out is NOT available as a Tuning out IS the primary defense defense against a vulnerablity too against a vulnerability too much to much to bear. Primary defenses are bear. If effective, there is a loss of detachment & emotional numbing. feeling as well. if not too defended, will present as overly cautious, concerned and conscientious

more likely to present as lacking in caution, concern and caring

NOT particularly responsive to drugs or medication

concentration is greatly aided by drugs that numb the feelings or suppress alarm

probably NOT reversible but functioning can be significantly improved through adaptation and integration

the dysfunction CAN be reversed by softening the defenses against a sense of vulnerabiltiy

Attention Problems

Three interventions regardless of the nature of the attention problem

n ctio un ysf rd E fo SAT EN MP CO

SO FTE Nt he hea rt

Addressing Attention Problems

REDUCE the SEPARATION faced • AVOID unnecessary separation • BRIDGE what could divide

Making Sense of Attention Problems - D. MacNamara, PhD

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8, 2023

Attachment Facilitates Dependence What attachment does … provides the power to… 1) Arranges hierarchically

Take charge of them, take care of them and act with natural authority

2) Renders endearing & tolerant

Like them and endure them

3) Creates a sense of home

Provide comfort, rest and a place of retreat

Attachment Facilitates Dependence What attachment does … provides the power to… 4. Creates a compass point

Command their attention, guide & direct them and transmit our culture

5. Activates proximity instincts

Keep them close and command their loyalty

6. Evokes the desire to be good for those attached to

Act with natural power & authority

Empowering Effect of Attachment Students are … • inclined to FOLLOW • designed to ATTEND to • feel AT HOME with • assume the FORM of • predisposed to TALK like • feel like being GOOD for • most inclined to AGREE with • most likely to TAKE DIRECTION from • only OPEN to INFLUENCE from • only seek to MEASURE UP TO … those to whom they are attached.

Making Sense of Attention Problems - D. MacNamara, PhD

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8, 2023

Use Attachment to Maximize your Impact If limited by time

focus on a few

Work attachments explicitly with: •Class leader •The challenging student before they become a challenge •Find a way to become attached to the least attachable

Working Attachment Teacher

BRIDGE what DIVIDES you

Making Sense of Attention Problems - D. MacNamara, PhD

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8, 2023

Some guidelines for handling the incidents: 1. Don’t try and make headway, instead try and do no harm. 2. Don’t attempt to control the child, instead, take charge of the circumstances. 3. If you convey that the behaviour is not okay, convey that the relationship is okay. 4. Make a quick exit and plan to revisit when a context of connection is in place.

n ctio un ysf rd E fo SAT EN MP CO

SO FTE Nt he hea rt

Addressing Attention Problems

REDUCE the SEPARATION faced • AVOID unnecessary separation • BRIDGE what could divide

• SHIELD with safe attachment

SO FTE Nt he hea rt

• LEAD into vulnerable territory

n ctio un ysf rd E fo SAT EN MP CO

• PROTECT from wounding interaction

Addressing Attention Problems

REDUCE the SEPARATION faced • AVOID unnecessary separation • BRIDGE what could divide

Making Sense of Attention Problems - D. MacNamara, PhD

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8, 2023

PROTECT from WOUNDING - Defensive Blindness • DON ’ T EXPECT them to see whatever would make them feel bad • use STRUCTURE and RITUAL to restrict distraction and impose order on attention • make it easy to look at one’ s mistakes and shortcomings • point out what works instead of what doesn ’ t work • use ATTACHMENT to orchestrate attention • guide or lead the ‘ blind’ from a place of contact and connection, where they are holding on to you

t a c h m e

ADULTS PEERS

• separation • shame • alarm

Child/ Teen

t a c h m e

WHEN NATURE GAVE US

EMOTION TO TAKE CARE OF US,

IT ALSO GAVE US

P L AY TO TAKE CARE OF OUR EMOTIONS

Making Sense of Attention Problems - D. MacNamara, PhD

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8, 2023

re a

true play

primarily expressive

How does play serve emotion? Activate and discharge emotion

Foster emotional maturity

Lighten moods and revitalize the spirit

o rk

Prepare & optimize the systems for real life

rea l

Soften defenses and thus restore feeling

expressive

Helps child reach towards their human potential

Foster healing and recovery and effect deep transformation

identi tie and ro s les

objects movement

ideas

symbols (art, music)

imagin a and fa tion n s tasy g n and feeli emotions words and meanings voice

PLAYGROUNDS laughter and humour

drama and theatre

stories and writing drawing and painting

singing and music dance and movement

Making Sense of Attention Problems - D. MacNamara, PhD

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8, 2023

Playing with FRUSTRATION • mock aggression

•war games • play fighting

• building • fixing

• pretend pain

• reassemble and reorder • silly self

• destroying • growing and planting

Playing with ALARM • peek-a-boo play

• rescue play • safe hide-away play

• startle play • ambush games

• dare games

• ‘tumble’ play

• monsters & scary creature play

• safe-at-home play

• scary stories, games and activities

Playing with PURSUIT • chase

• hide and seek • dress up

• hunt

• hoarding and collecting

• marriage • family • competition

• possession • magic and deceit

Making Sense of Attention Problems - D. MacNamara, PhD

• SHIELD with safe attachment

SO FTE Nt he hea rt

• LEAD into vulnerable territory

• by COLLECTING attention • for immaturity of attention

n ctio un ysf rd E fo SAT EN MP CO

• PROTECT from wounding interaction

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8, 2023

Addressing Attention Problems

• for alarm problems

• for hypersensitivity

REDUCE the SEPARATION faced • AVOID unnecessary separation • BRIDGE what could divide

COMPENSATE for hypersensitivity • assume responsibility to collect the child and their attention • assume responsibility to reduce stimulation where possible • help create artificial blinders to aid in focus and concentration • help create white noise filters to increase ability to focus • help find ways of reducing ‘noise’ and patterning sensory input

Reduce Need for Alarm REFRAIN … from raising one’s voice … from warnings, threats and ultimatums … from upping the ante

COMPENSATE … by ‘scripting’ cautious behaviour … by using simple rules, procedures and protocols … by keeping the child out of harm’s way

BRIDGE … all problem behaviour and resulting discipline … a sense that there is something wrong with them … shortcomings and failures

Making Sense of Attention Problems - D. MacNamara, PhD

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8, 2023

Provide a Sense of Rest ACCEPT the WORK of the relationship - to preserve contact and closeness, to bridge separation, to convey the invitation to exist in one’s presence, to bridge problem behaviour, to nurture a sense of belonging, to convey a sense of significance, to provide a sense of security in the relationship

ASSUME the ALPHA ROLES in the child’s life - to provide a secure home base, to keep the child safe, to protect the child’s dignity, to act as a compass point, to be the one to hold on, to take the initiative, to be the nurturer, to be the agent of futility and the angel of comfort

PROVIDE more than the child is pursuing - more attention than demanded, more connection than sought, more approval than looking for, more significance than deserved

RESOURCES macnamara.ca

Newsletter

Neufeld Institute Neufeldinstitute.org

- A NEUFELD INSTITUTE & JACK HIROSE CONFERENCE -

EMOTIONAL HEALTH & WELL-BEING TOWARDS FLOURISHING CHILDREN & YOUTH

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 6 - WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 8, 2023 Hilton Garden Inn Saskatoon Downtown 90 22 St E, Saskatoon, SK S7K 3X6

TAMARA STRIJACK, M.A.

WORKSHOP #4 Neufeld’s Traffic Circle of Frustration: A Revolutionary Approach to Aggression, Depression & Suicide Day One | 12:45pm - 4:00pm

Tamara Strijack, MA is a Registered Clinical Counsellor who lives and works in the Vancouver Island area. She is co-author (with Hannah Beach) of the book, Reclaiming our Students: Why our children are more anxious, aggressive and shut down than ever, and what we can do about it. Tamara has worked with children and adolescents in various roles over the last thirty years. She is currently the Academic Dean of the Neufeld Institute, where she develops and delivers courses on child development for parents, teachers and helping professionals.

208-197 Forester Street North Vancouver, BC, Canada V7H 0A6 t 604 924 0296

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Frustra'on Traﬃc Circle - T. Strijack

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8, 2023

ag a r gre ev ssi olu on 8o , d na ep ry res ap sio pro n a ac nd h t su o NEUFELD’S TRAFFIC CIRCLE MODEL OF icide

frustration

Gordon Neufeld, Ph.D.

Clinical & Developmental Psychologist Vancouver, Canada

THE UNTOLD STORY OF FRUSTRATION

Becoming Acquainted - is one of Nature’s most powerful and primordial instruments of CARE

- is BLIND and IMPULSIVE if not felt, which can be most (if not all) of the 'me

- comes into existence when things aren’t working, and s'cks around seeking for resolu'on of some kind

- is typically perceived as a NEGATIVE and unnecessary emo'on and therefore not always invited to exist

- serves ATTACHMENT ﬁrst and foremost as aRachment is what most needs to work

- is rou'nely VILLIFIED for the way it expresses itself when its purposes are thwarted - has many and diverse OFFSPRING involving cogni'on & behaviour, which oOen tend to camouﬂage its existence

- has a MIND of its OWN, bent on eﬀec$ng change when sensing disas'sfac'on, but not at all inclined to consult with higher mental processes

Frustra'on Traﬃc Circle - T. Strijack

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8, 2023

Becoming Acquainted S SU UM IMP ICID U A T FRU GUILT LSES L TR AN

STR A DEPBASEDTIONRES SIO ELFENS T SIV EN SES EM OB PROV ANGE R IMV

IOLENC E ION G G A RESS SELF CK A ATT

EMOTIONAL FIXES FOR ATTACHMENT DISTRESS

Fixes closure Fixations separa$ontriggered

PURSUIT

FRUSTRATION

ALARM

change

cau$on

FIGHT

FlIGHT

A"achment’s Emergency First Aid Team

-P

R LA

-A

UR SU IT -

- FRUSTRATION -

OUR MOTTO - “We promise to get emo.onal when holes appear in the fabric of your togetherness”

Frustra'on Traﬃc Circle - T. Strijack

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8, 2023

EMOTIONAL FIXES FOR ATTACHMENT DISTRESS closure

COMMON MISTAKE Displacing frustra8on to another 8me and place by responses that intensify either ALARM or PURSUIT.

separa$ontriggered

PURSUIT

FRUSTRATION

ALARM

change

cau$on

e ms irritability eng s antru elf-p t rev ds self-blame unis hme nt BEHAVIORAL hos8 sults AGGRESSION lity in DERIVATIVES OF m impa8ence s g a c r g FRUSTRATION a s fyin n 8 h VIOLE iVn self-a jus8 NCE ﬁgh g Tack COGNITION-

foul

BASED DERIVATIVES OF FRUSTRATION

(ie, secondary emo8on)

wor

ANGER

PRIMAL EMOTION

GUILT

SHAME

judgements regarding whose fault

FRUSTRATION triggered by thwarted proximity

CHALLENGE to see through the distrac8ng deriva8ves of frustra8on to the emo8on itself and its typical roots in aTachment distress

PRIMARY CAUSE OF FRUSTRATION

- experienced only by humans

- experienced by all mammals

- triggered by perceived injus'ce

- evoked by something not working

- a SECONDARY emo'on involving - a PRIMAL emo'on that can exist without thinking or feeling cogni'on and consciousness - triggers impulses to assign blame - triggers impulses to eﬀect change, and if thwarted in this work and and seek jus'ce (eg, get even, the fu'lity not felt, in aRacking exact revenge, seek an apology) energy and impulses - focusing on anger including confron'ng it, interferes with resolving underlying frustra'on

- focusing on frustra'on, even if anger exists, best sets the stage for healthy resolu'on

Anger eclipses and camouflages frustration and distracts from its resolution

Frustra'on Traﬃc Circle - T. Strijack

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8, 2023

frustration A STORY OF ALTERNATE OUTCOMES

• demanding & commanding • bossing and controlling

OTHERS

• exposing one’s neediness • advising and confron'ng • construc'ng & problem solving • planning and scheming • orchestra'ng & organizing

THINGS

• controlling and manipula'ng

• improving one’s self • adjus'ng & accommoda'ng

SELF

• trying harder to make things work • sacriﬁcing self to make things work

Frustra'on Traﬃc Circle - T. Strijack

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8, 2023

frustration A STORY OF ALTERNATE OUTCOMES

• holding on to good experiences

• geXng one’s way all the 'me

• altering 'me or reality or the past

• keeping siblings from being born or sending them back

• altering circumstances or another’s character or decisions • keeping bad things from happening, including loss and dying • defying the laws of nature

• choosing one’s parents or keeping them together • making things work that won’t • altering the ‘givens’ • avoiding upset

for spontaneous transforma$on to happen, fu$lity has to be truly FELT, not just known

The Singular Work of Sadness • RELIEF from the emo'onal pressure of stuck & stale frustra'on • emo'onal RESET and RENEWAL as frustra'on is RESOLVED • emo'onal REST from fu'le work, rendering discipline eﬀec've and enabling healing and leXng go

• RECOVERY of the capacity for fulﬁllment and happiness as well as the spontaneous realiza'on of poten'al • develops RESILIENCE as strength results from facing and feeling fu'lity • RESTORES hope and perspec've

drives the transforming process of ADAPTATION

Frustra'on Traﬃc Circle - T. Strijack

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8, 2023

A"achment’s Emergency First Aid Team

OUR MOTTO - “We promise to get emo.onal when holes appear in the fabric of your togetherness” “We also promise to hang around un.l fu.lity is felt”

$e Work & Wisdom of Frus%a&on • how Nature ensures our ongoing personal EVOLUTION, developing us as agents of change and transforming us when that change is not possible, thus con'nually moving us towards a more sa'sfying state of being • how Nature takes CARE of us, regardless of the situa'on or circumstances we are born to, and regardless of what happens along the way • could be considered the core work of THERAPY, that is, to facilitate the work of frustra'on

moved to make things WORK

frustration or to REST from fu'le endeavours and be CHANGED instead

frustration A STORY OF ALTERNATE OUTCOMES

Frustra'on Traﬃc Circle - T. Strijack

hitting & fighting fits & tantrums

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8, 2023

acting mean & rude hostility attacking gestures foul moods & cutting words

selfattack

self-deprecation irritability & impatience

suicidal ideation violent fantasies vicarious attacks

putdowns & shaming biting, throwing, screaming

ignoring, shunning, ostracizing

sarcasm & insults

ERUPTIONS OF FRUSTRATION-FUELED ATTACKING ENERGY ie, the face of frustra'on when thwarted in its purposes

- a messy construct that interferes with insight as to its varied emo'onal roots

- if frustra'on-fueled, results from aRacking impulses that have been displaced to the self

- most of what is referred to as - self-aRack can take many forms – self-harm (ie, burning, cuXng, self-derision, self-hatred, selfhair-pulling) is rooted in being depreca'on, self-nega'ng, selfso defended against the primal hiXng, AND also includes most emo'on of alarm that engaging suicidal idea'on and impulses in alarming behaviour evokes an adrenalin rush without any - some other mo'va'ons for suicide are PURSUIT (eg, to join a loved one, corresponding sense of increase one’s status), ALARM (prevulnerability. This kind of selfharm can also evoke the body’s empt a terrifying scenario), or as a DEFENSE against an unbearable defenses against pain. experience The current construct of self-harm tends to eclipse and camouﬂage its varied emo8onal roots in alarm, frustra8on and pursuit

highly frustrated

frustration THE ANTECEDENTS OF AGGRESSION

FUTILITY is encountered but NOT FELT

aNacking impulses are UNtempered

A T T A C K

COMMON MISTAKE Imposing consequences to frustra8on-fueled behaviour that fuel its antecedents

Frustra'on Traﬃc Circle - T. Strijack

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8, 2023

TRAVERSING

THE TRAFFIC CIRCLE OF MODEL OF

frustration EXAMINING THE ROLES OF ... • MATURATION in influencing outcomes • ATTACHMENT, especially in the depression and displacement of aRacking impulses • FEELING in influencing outcomes • EMOTIONAL PLAY in influencing outcomes

frustration THE

MATURITY FACTOR

lacking a developed capacity to hold on when apart

frustration

lacking a rela$onship with frustra$on lacking ability to eﬀect change

THE IMMATURITY FACTOR IN AGGRESSION

lacking an opera$onal prefrontal cortex A and thus mixed T feelings

T A C K

lacking cogni$ve support for fu$lity

Frustra'on Traﬃc Circle - T. Strijack

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8, 2023

Neufeld’s Five-Step Model of Emotional Maturation

reﬂec$ng

mixing

feeling

naming COMMON MISTAKE Not retrea8ng far enough developmentally in order to get at the root of the emo8onal immaturity

expressing

lacking rela$onship with frustra$on

frustration

lacking an d opera$onal an cortex prefrontal n tmixed A o thus iand en at feelings

lacking ability to eﬀect change

m ur ch at tta IMMATURITY lm a FACTOR na t of o i ot en m pm e lo t or eve p lacking d p cogni$ve support Su tfor hefu$lity THE

T T A C K

Frustra'on Traﬃc Circle - T. Strijack

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8, 2023

frustration unable to change that which counts

develops a working prefrontal cortex THE MATURATION FACTOR IN DEPRESSION

failing to access the sadness that fu$lity should evoke

frustration expression of foul frustra$on blocked A by mixed feelings

unable to change that which counts DEPRESSION AS A TRAFFIC JAM

T T A C K

failing to access the sadness that fu$lity should evoke

frustration THE

ATTACHMENT FACTOR

Frustra'on Traﬃc Circle - T. Strijack

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8, 2023

THWARTED

PROXIMITY frustration where aNached aNacking impulses are untempered THE ATTACHMENT FACTOR IN AGGRESSION

aNempts at togetherness are fu$le

A T T A C K

access to sadness is foiled by lack of safe & comfor$ng aNachment

THWARTED

PROXIMITY frustration where aNached

THE ATTACHMENT FACTOR IN DISPLACEMENT

A T T A C K DISPLACED to reduce the threat to working aTachments (can also be displaced to SELF, fueling suicidal impulses & idea8on)

the brain defensively DEPRESSES frustra$on for the sake of aNachment

THWARTED

PROXIMITY frustration where aNached

THE ATTACHMENT FACTOR IN DEPRESSION

Frustra'on Traﬃc Circle - T. Strijack

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8, 2023

e ms irritability eng self tantru -pun rev ds self-blame i shm hos s ent 8lit insult AGGRESSION y arcasm impa8ence fying g s n VIOLE 8 hiVn self-a s8 j h NCE ﬁg Tack u g

foul

wor

ANGER

GUILT

SHAME

judgements regarding whose fault

FRUSTRATION triggered by thwarted proximity

depression = ﬂa<ened aﬀect

The Wisdom of Depression Although inherently biased to express ourselves, when this expression threatens attachment the human brain is wisely programmed to sacrifice emotional expression for the sake of togetherness. This core internal defense results in the brain being divided against itself and comes at a great cost to energy and functioning.

frustration ng ei

d ce fa

THE b THE ANTECEDENTS n ATTACHMENT OF io t FACTOR AGGRESSION a

e uc d Re

e th

r pa se

Frustra'on Traﬃc Circle - T. Strijack

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8, 2023

frustration THE

FEELING FACTOR

Giving (e Brain (e Feedback it Needs To facilitate the work of frustra.on, scenarios must end in one of two feelings - ﬂip sides of the same emo.onal coin & derived from the same La.n word ‘sate’ meaning ‘enough’ or ‘turning point’.

Today’s society lacks the wisdom to take scenarios to their emo.onal endpoints , believing instead in the‘mind’ as the answer.

anger

F RU S T R AT I O N

Accessing sadness is much easier via frustration

shame

guilt

futility

Frustra'on Traﬃc Circle - T. Strijack

cannot manage frustra$on that is not FELT

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8, 2023

frustration lack of mixed FEELINGS leaves aNacking impulses A UNtempered

without FEELINGS, aNempts to eﬀect change will be uninformed

T T A C K

FEELING AND AGGRESSION the fu$lity encountered must be FELT for frustra$on to end and adapta$on to occur

frustration a lack of feeling restricts release through symbolic expression

a lack of feeling restricts informed aNempts at change

FEELING AND DEPRESSION

a lack of feeling restricts release through sadness

frustration THE ry FEELING ua FACTOR t c

de vi o r

fe sa

gs lin e e rf o f

n sa

Frustra'on Traﬃc Circle - T. Strijack

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8, 2023

frustration THE

PLAY

FACTOR

frustration lacking the kind of play that builds the prefrontal cortex A

lacking playful problem solving and construc$on

THE PLAY FACTOR IN AGGRESSION lacking playful aNacking and destruc$on

lacking playful access to sadness

T T A C K

frustration lack of construc$on play and ‘making things work’ play restricts release

THE PLAY FACTOR IN DEPRESSION

lack of emo$onal play that accesses sadness restricts release

lack of destruc$on play and playful aNacking restricts release

Frustra'on Traﬃc Circle - T. Strijack

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8, 2023

frustration

c In

e as e r

c ac

s es

s nd u o gr ay l p al THE n PLAYtio o FACTOR em o t

Taking FRUSTRATION out to play

Inviting FRUSTRATION to PLAY frustra8on-fuelled energy and impulses to make things or to make things work • construc.ng and craJs • organizing and orchestra.ng • designing and engineering • developing models, sets and scenarios

frustra8on-fuelled energy and impulses to aTack or destroy • destroying & demolishing in play • play ﬁgh.ng & mock aggression • hiHng and throwing in play • kicking and screaming in play • war games, a<acking games • sword play, insult games • playful sarcasm and wit • a<acking energy in stories, art, music, dance and wri.ng

Frustra'on Traﬃc Circle - T. Strijack

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8, 2023

... pressing down on irrita'on or aggression ... trying hard not to get frustrated ... trying to make everything work ... aRemp'ng to keep posi've ... controlling one’s thoughts ... aRempts at self-control ... trying to calm down ... striving for success ... ﬁgh'ng depression

invite into play the underlying FRUSTRATION

Accessing sadness is usually easier in the play mode • renders defenses unnecessary, thus making it easier to feel

• plays directly to our emotions as in melancholy music, poetry, or a sad story

• provides something to cry about that is one step removed and thus not too much to bear

• can remove the impediments to tears such as selfconsciousness, shame, and social sanctions

• can set the stage with fantasies that reveal the futility

• contains the sadness to the parameters of play, rendering it more bearable

• shifts the locus from the HEAD to HEART, from thinking to feeling, from doing to being

• provides safe release for stuck emotion, thus making it easier to fall into our tears in the wake of intense expression

To create a story of frustration with good outcomes ... • accept that it exists and needs some space to work and to be expressed • call it by name, reframing as needed • make frustra$on the focus, not fault or resul$ng behaviour • come alongside frustra$on & its work • support outcomes that are incompa$ble with aggression, depression & suicide ... cultivate a healthy relationship with frustration

- A NEUFELD INSTITUTE & JACK HIROSE CONFERENCE -

EMOTIONAL HEALTH & WELL-BEING TOWARDS FLOURISHING CHILDREN & YOUTH

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 6 - WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 8, 2023 Hilton Garden Inn Saskatoon Downtown 90 22 St E, Saskatoon, SK S7K 3X6

GORDON NEUFELD, PH.D.

WORKSHOP #5

Resilience & The Stress Response: Addressing Emotional Stuckness Including Trauma Day Two | 8:30am - 11:45am

208-197 Forester Street North Vancouver, BC, Canada V7H 0A6 t 604 924 0296

f 604 924 0239

t f 1 800 456 5424

DAY 2

e registration@jackhirose.com

Stress & Resilience - Gordon Neufeld

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8, 2023

R AU S S E MA R T S and resilience Gordon Neufeld, Ph.D.

Developmental & Clinical Psychologist Vancouver, Canada

sense of safety

role of relationship !e S"ry of Resilience

optimal functioning

sense of strength

Theemotional WISDOM ! tears of grieving defense futility stress of the ! vulnerable & sadness Response feelings Chapter One Stress Response impact1 Chapter of

TRAUMA

experience &

play & Theexposure hidden and playfulness nature

surprising WISDOM! of emotion of the Stress Response

fight or flight

rest and restfulness

role of adaptation

recovery and healing

neural plasticity antecedents to bouncing back vasovagal

response

!e S"ry of Resilience Chapter One

Chapter 1

The WISDOM ! of the ! Stress Response

The hidden and surprising WISDOM! of the Stress Response

Stress & Resilience - Gordon Neufeld

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8, 2023

STRESS

NEGLECT losing face both me n paren tio ts wo bedti a rking liz ta personal injury pi s failure ho e

ol dis scho ab loneliness ilit y isola tion ATH g DE facin

mov ing

STRESs

threats to iden tity

sec rets

CHANGE

adopI

yc da

e loss of loved on

er anoth

DIVORCE

E NT US RETIREME AB

g siblin

ST LO ng i e b resi d sch enIal ool

Adversive Childhood Experiences pHysical abuse emotional neglect Mental illness of household member

Emotional abuse

physical neglect

STRESs divorce incarcerated relative

sexual abuse

substance abuse in household

mother treated violently

Stress & Resilience - Gordon Neufeld

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8, 2023

STRESs FACING SEPARATION

= experience of separa9on

SEPARATION

is thus the greatest threat

ATTACHMENT = SURVIVAL and is thus our preeminent drive

of .. lacknging losing face with . can’t NEGLECTED . be w o .. bel ith ... ct by cIon ne reje

n not important to ... tood co n’t feel s a ing c er fe unlo eli not ma nd ved ng Uerin u b y ... t dif g to . fe .. no re

d by ... not recognize

t isola tion g ngin belo n ot

ced repla

by ...

ed loneliness nt d i sc threats . a .. to o t id ou n entity ecial tw ted n o t sp no by . n .. old o BETRAY .. ED can’t hn apart BY . O e T h w ON HELD NOT LIKED BY ... NOT

closure separa6on-triggered

PURSUIT

ALARM cau6on

FRUSTRATION change

Stress & Resilience - Gordon Neufeld

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8, 2023

A$achment’s Emergency First Aid Team

-P

R LA

-A

UR SU IT -

- FRUSTRATION -

OUR MOTTO - “We promise to get emo.onal when holes appear in the fabric of your togetherness”

LOCK, OLLOW, FAWN, IND, ANCY (family, friends, fame, fortune) devolving into

Fixes Fixations separa6ontriggered

PURSUIT

ALARM

FRUSTRATION

FIGHT

FlIGHT

se on sp Re

Re 9c Sy mp at he

EM RE OTI

e th pa ym ras Pa

sp on se

The stress response in the ‘key’ of

SP ON ON A SE L

ﬁrst response

se on sp

Re SP ON ON A SE L

Sy mp at he

as a last resort , the parasympatheIc system can be deployed as a DEFENSIVE RESPONSE to stress

EM RE OTI

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8, 2023

e th pa ym ras Pa

sp on se

Stress & Resilience - Gordon Neufeld

e ez d re gue l F or aI e[u int y, F rg Fa ogg , Fo F ble e Fe if trapped or thwarted, can trigger if trapped or thwarted, can trigger

a reverse thependulum pendulum a reverseswing swing of of the

The Stress Response armours the heart

al rim ons p s ate mo9 c9v n e • a ra9o a sep

• while a 9me, INHt the same that wou IBITS FEELINGS performinld interfere with in stressfu g or funcIoning l circumst ances

STRESS RESPONSE = MORE EMOTION BUT LESS FEELING

• gives us the STRENGTH and TOUGHNESS needed to funcIon or perform in stressful or wounding circumstances (also referred to as HARDINESS) • CHANGES us instantly so that we can COPE with adversity and SURVIVE distressing circumstances • summons up all our resources so we can PERSEVERE in the face of distress and OVERCOME stressful circumstances

!e S"ry of Resilience

The WISDOM ! The WISDOM ! of the ! of the Chapter Two! Stress Response Chapter 1 Stress Response

The Resilience Response as Nature’s Answer to the Stress Response

Stress & Resilience - Gordon Neufeld

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8, 2023

The Stress Response

, th al e l h ial • gives us theoSTRENGTH and na ent l a i TOUGHNESS rim ons ot pot needed to p s m funcIon or perform in 9 e of ate mo or wounding n to stressful c9v9on e ocircumstances i a (also • ra at a referred to as y liz sep el ea HARDINESS) t r u ol he • while a bs d t a t th e same re an 9me, IN • CHANGES us instantly so that we can COPE with that wouHIBITS FEELINaGiSng, ld adversity and SURVIVE performin interfere w on distressing circumstances g or func cti ith in stressfu nIoning u : lM circulm f E a stances • summons up all our resources BL tim O so we can PERSEVERE in the PR op STRESS RESPONSE = MORE face of distress and OVERCOME EMOTION BUT LESS FEELING stressful circumstances

armours the heart

Resilience Response

Stress Response

Feelings that have been inhibited bounce back to enable opImal funcIoning and the realizaIon of full potenIal

PRIMAL SEPARATION EMOTIONS ARE ACTIVATED FEELINGS that would interfere with performing or funcIoning in stressful circumstances are inhibited

SAFETY is required for feelings to be recovered

TIME (ideally the end of the day or end of the week at most)

Stress Response

Resilience Response

PRIMAL SEPARATION EMOTIONS ARE ACTIVATED

Feelings that have been inhibited bounce The issue is not the back to enable opImal stress response funcIoning and the but a missing realizaIon of fullresilience potenIal

FEELINGS that would interfere with performing or funcIoning in stressful circumstances are inhibited

response that results in the stress response working unIl return of feelings exhausted. requires SAFE SANCTUARY

TIME (ideally the end of the day or end of the week at most)

Stress & Resilience - Gordon Neufeld

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8, 2023

A$achment’s Emergency First Aid Team

OUR MOTTO - “We promise to get emo.onal when holes appear in the fabric of your togetherness” “We also promise to hang around un.l fu.lity is felt”

What is missing in the stress response?

faint or freeze

or k w c devoloves lo floolinto f

FIX

O ATI

FIX FIG

G FlI

faw fan n or cy

M AR AL FRUSTRATION

xes he ﬁ , t n e e Wh re fuIl d to a nee ch. u they LT as s E F be

Stress & Resilience - Gordon Neufeld

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8, 2023

The WISDOM & WORK of Sadness

RECOVERY

REST

RESILIENCE

D OWN

BOUN

LET

CE B AC

SADNESS brings RECOVERY and turns STRESS into STRENGTH

loss of job ne’s way losing facMORTA NEGLECT e o LITY loss ng ion t b a e z i g tal ing tragedy of parent ospi n ot f sibl o rejecIh s s lo on loss of child est threats to iden pty n ABUSE ti m ty dif e f er en tn es s

a traum ed v o l isolatio un n H ENT AT REM I T E lo R DE G ne N lin ACI es F s

'e nadir

Stress & Resilience - Gordon Neufeld

HELP THAT IS

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8, 2023

HELPFUL!!

Strength of DEFENSE

Strength of BECOMING - meant to be characteris.c -

- meant to be situa.onal found needed strength

OVERCAME

potenIal sIll unfolding

persisted despite distress

PERSEVERED

growth force persists

came through distress seemingly ‘unscathed’

SURVIVED

heart was mended and spirits were revived

changed to withstand or cope with adversive or distressing condiIons

RESILIENT

feelings recover quickly aeer Imes of stress

ADAPTIVE

transformed from inside out by adversity

can funcIon or perform in highly stressful or wounding circumstances

HARDY

doesn’t need to be sheltered from stress to preserve growth potenIal

Strength of DEFENSE

Strength of BECOMING - meant to be characteris.c potenIal sIll unfolding

persisted despite distress

PERSEVERED

growth force persists

came through distress seemingly ‘unscathed’

SURVIVED

heart was mended and spirits were revived

changed to withstand or cope with adversive or distressing condiIons

RESILIENT

feelings recover quickly aeer Imes of stress

ADAPTIVE

transformed from inside out by adversity

HARDY

doesn’t need to be sheltered from stress to preserve growth potenIal

g lin

fee

en de r

a ro m

su lts f

f of

m ro

can funcIon or perform in highly stressful or wounding circumstances

f lts su

lin g

found needed strength

OVERCAME

of t

- meant to be situa.onal -

Stress & Resilience - Gordon Neufeld

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8, 2023

!e S"ry of Resilience

The WISDOM ! of the ! Chapter Three Stress Response

Chapter 1

The Truth about Trauma

The truth about trauma is that is NOT in the nature of an event, no maUer how distressing the event may be. Trauma is not what happens TO us, but what fails to happen IN us as a response.

Resilience Response

Stress Response

Feelings that have been inhibited bounce back to enable opImal funcIoning and the realizaIon of full potenIal

PRIMAL SEPARATION EMOTIONS ARE ACTIVATED FEELINGS that would interfere with performing or funcIoning in stressful circumstances are inhibited

SAFETY is required for feelings to be recovered

TIME (ideally the end of the day or end of the week at most)

Stress & Resilience - Gordon Neufeld

Resilience Response

Stress Response becomes PRIMAL SEPARATION EMOTIONS ARE ACTIVATED FEELINGS that would interfere with performing or funcIoning in stressful circumstances are inhibited

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8, 2023

Feelings that have been inhibited bounce back to enable opImal funcIoning and the Whenoffeelings realizaIon full potenIal

fail to bounce back, an acute stress response turns into TRAUMA return of feelings SAFE Traumarequires = stuck stress response SANCTUARY

TIME (ideally the end of the day or end of the week at most)

a stuck stress response

TRAUMA a missing resilience response

an emo6onal emergency response that has failed to come to an end

SIGNS OF POST TRAUMATIC STRESS SYNDROME

in l e fe

ess l IMPULSIVENESS ut b ion FRUSTRATION ALARM t mo e re o m PURSUIT

- elevated startle response - ﬂashbacks and nightmares - avoidance of whatever alarms - intrusive thoughts & memories - unable to focus and concentrate - hyper-arousal and hyper-vigilence

- irritability and impaIence

- erupIons of aUacking energy

- self-aUack and suicidal impulses

Stress & Resilience - Gordon Neufeld

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8, 2023

SIGNS OF UNRESOLVED & RESIDUAL PRIMAL EMOTION

lin e e f

- clutching, clinging, possessing, hoarding, acquiring, impressing, pleasing, etc - fragmented fixes & fixaIons with pursuit as the theme – winning, placing, hunIng, chasing, aUracIng, demanding, reducing, seeking, enhancing, etc - preoccupaIons with altering - preoccupaIons with concealing self in pursuit of belonging, of belonging, PURSUIT oneself in pursuit love or significance love or significance

ess l ut b ion FRUSTRATION ALARM t mo e re o m

- ANXIETY - irraIonal obsessions - irraIonal avoidance - anxiety reducing behaviour - an aUracIon to what alarms - inability to stay out of trouble - recklessness and carelessness - aUenIon deﬁcits around alarm - chronic agitaIon and restlessness

- ﬁts & tantrums - hibng and ﬁghIng - obsessions with change - aggression and violence - rudeness and meanness - irritability and impaIence - erupIons of aUacking energy - self-aUack and suicidal impulses

Signs of a Stuck S)ess Response UNRESOLVED alarm, frustraIon & pursuit

Missing the VITAL SIGNS of well-being

RED FLAGS for lost feeling

s lne

vital signs of well-being

pl ay +l nes

- rest is the state from which all growth and recovery happens

st+ re

- the play mode is about opImizing and so is only acIvated when the preeminent aUachment drive is at rest

Missing the ‘Vital Signs’ of Well-Being

‘feeling+lness’

Feelings are ‘feedback’ which, despite their role in the unfolding of potenIal, are somewhat luxurious & ‘advanced’. Given how readily they are sacriﬁced by a distressed brain, they are a key indicator of emoIonal health & well-being.

Stress & Resilience - Gordon Neufeld

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8, 2023

Feelings more likely to be defensively inhibited feelings of MISSING (longing, loss, empIness, loneliness, lack of invitaIon)

feeling RESPONSIBLE (sorry, remorseful, guilty about, bad about, responsible for)

feelings of CARING (caring for, caring about, love, compassion)

feelings of (fulﬁlled) DEPENDENCE (needy, vulnerable, cared for, saIated by, trusIng in)

feelings of FUTILITY (sadness, disappointment, grief, melancholy, sorrow)

feelings of ALARM (unsafe, nervous, apprehensive, cauIous, concerned, careful)

As a result ...

feeling CONFLICTED

RED FLAGS for LOST FEELING NO RECOVERY of lost feelings over Ime FUTILITY is not felt (the ‘canary’ of emoIonal distress) a proneness to BOREDOM

What BOREDOM is about

When the ‘holes’ in togetherness are NOT suﬃciently FELT, it is experienced as BOREDOM.

Stress & Resilience - Gordon Neufeld

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8, 2023

Boredom-a natural barometer for deﬁcits of feeling - can’t feel the true nature or shape of the hole that exists within -

ac9v ity

food nt me n i rta

s9m

ula 9o n

al s git it di rsu pu

te en delin quen cy

ns scree

videog

ames

EARLY SIGNS OF A STUCK STRESS RESPONSE no longer talks about what distresses or hurt feelings no longer feels unsafe or alarmed no longer reads rejec9on or feels its s9ng no longer given to sadness and disappointment no longer feels as needy, empty, lonely or dependent no longer is as visibly aﬀected by loss and lack be^er able to func9on or perform under duress

RED FLAGS for LOST FEELING NO RECOVERY of lost feelings over Ime FUTILITY is not felt (the ‘canary’ of emoIonal distress) a proneness to BOREDOM ADDITIONAL RED FLAGS a diminished sensorium (especially pain & bladder pressure for youngsters and even youth) a urgent and persistent flight from feeling flaUened affect (per ‘classical’ definiIon of depression)

Stress & Resilience - Gordon Neufeld

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8, 2023

!e S"ry of Resilience

The WISDOM ! of the ! Chapter Four Stress Response

Chapter 1

How to Resuscitate the Resilience Response

Stress Response

Triggers Primal Separa9on Emo9ons FEELINGS that would interfere with performing or funcIoning in stressful circumstances are inhibited

Resilience Response Feelings that have been inhibited bounce back to enable opImal funcIoning and the realizaIon of full potenIal

Provide SAFE SANCTUARY for FEELING

TIME (ideally the end of the day or end of the week at most)

SAFETY It is NOT the existence of SAFETY that is required for feelings to return but rather the experience of safety that is conducive to feeling.

TWO SAFE SANCTUARIES for FEELING • SAFE RELATIONSHIP - when CLOSE to a person ATTACHED to in a trusIng DEPENDENT mode • when in the PLAY MODE and in par9cular when emo9ons are at play

Stress & Resilience - Gordon Neufeld

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8, 2023

Where the helper can be ANYONE but preferably a caring adult to whom the child or adult is a^ached or will a^ach

helper

Resuscitating the Resilience Response - applying rela9onal and emo9onal ﬁrst-aid -

P HI NS

O TI LA

- parent - grandparent - rela9ve - teacher - coach - expert - counsellor - therapist - caregiver - case worker - volunteer

- helping the troubled OR helping in troubled 9mes helping the traumatized to get unstuck

Relational First Aid & Treatment • convey a strong caring ALPHA PRESENCE

• BRIDGE separaIons with other forms of connecIon • BRIDGE troubling symptoms with connecIon

• COLLECT to engage and invite dependence • COME ALONGSIDE emoIonal experience

RELATIONSHIP

• support EXISTING ATTACHMENTS with caring adults

• NURTURE (including food) in the context of connecIon

• matchmake to embed in CASCADING CARE and shielding aUachments

• ritualize some SAFE SPACES for feelings to bounce back

Through the other’s attachment to us, we can BE their ANSWER even when there are no answers: • BE their HOME

• BE their place of REST • BE their sanctuary of SAFETY • BE their SHIELD in a wounding world • BE their REASON for holding on The answer is in BEING - not in DOING or SAYING or KNOWING the right things – when empowered by the other’s attachment to us.

Stress & Resilience - Gordon Neufeld

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8, 2023

Employing PLAY as emotional first aid ...

PLAY

l rea

PLAY

for

NO T

T NO

wo rk

as well as for ongoing recovery & healing

expressive

Stress & Resilience - Gordon Neufeld

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8, 2023

Harness the Healing Power of Play • to LIGHTEN the emoIonal load

• to safely engage and DISTRACT in alarming situaIons

• to aid the RECOVERY of feelings so that the stress response does not get stuck

• to give the brain a chance to REST and RECOVER PLAY • to provide for SAFE EXPRESSION of primal emoIon

• to set the stage to access healing SADNESS when emoIonally ready

When drawing the child into play, we are transferring the child into the arms of NATURE so it can gently and wisely take care of the child

Emo9ons are easier to feel when one step removed from real life

Emo9ons are not at work, so the inhibi9on of feelings is reversed Play is safe so feelings won’t get hurt

Words or their lack, do not get in the way

Emo9ons are freer to move and so more likely to be felt and iden9ﬁed

Feelings of fu9lity are much easier to access

Emotional playgrounds help in the recovery of feelings

Suggestions for Harnessing Play • engage in play by giving play signals, like a bit of silliness, singing, wearing a playful cape • playfully engage in games, puzzles, stories, music, movement, drama, theatre, etc

• take turns telling made-up stories, so their emoIons can drive something other than nightmares

PLAY

• provide materials to draw, paint, construct, make craes, make music, priming the acIvity where necessary

• sing or hum lullabytype songs if possible, to harness their emoIonal and connecIve power

• engage in playful connecIon, providing brief experiences of contact and togetherness that are able to disarm

• engage in the cultural play, ie, the dances, music, art of their culture of origin

Stress & Resilience - Gordon Neufeld

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8, 2023

... in our pursuit of happiness PRESS PAUSE

... in avoiding negaIve thoughts ... in aUempIng not to be upset ... in trying to stay in perspecIve ... in aUempIng to stay opImisIc ... in trying to cheer each other up ... in pubng limits on grief and sorrow ... in denying that the glass is half empty ... in trying to change the Eeyores into Tiggers

into the SADNESS whose task it is to facilitate needed endings, strengthen as required, and deliver us back to what happiness exists

S T R E P O T E N T I A L G T H

UND ING

g 9n len S

S re un TRE S

trag e

unb sepaearable ra9o n

sadness

ty rtain unce

feelings

sing distresstances circum loss & lack

t toghreate eth ne ern d ess M

ALAR

chaos

recover the resilience response

helper

Resuscitating the Resilience Response

L RE

P HI NS O I

- A NEUFELD INSTITUTE & JACK HIROSE CONFERENCE -

EMOTIONAL HEALTH & WELL-BEING TOWARDS FLOURISHING CHILDREN & YOUTH

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 6 - WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 8, 2023 Hilton Garden Inn Saskatoon Downtown 90 22 St E, Saskatoon, SK S7K 3X6

DEBORAH MACNAMARA, PH.D.

WORKSHOP #6 Making Sense of Today’s Feeding & Eating Problems Day Two | 8:30am - 11:45am

208-197 Forester Street North Vancouver, BC, Canada V7H 0A6 t 604 924 0296

f 604 924 0239

t f 1 800 456 5424

DAY 2

e registration@jackhirose.com

Eating Problems - Deborah MacNamara, PhD

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, Nov. 6-8, 2023

MAKING SENSE OF TODAY’S FEEDING AND EATING PROBLEMS Deborah MacNamara, PhD Faculty, Neufeld Institute Director, Kid’s Best Bet Counselling

Just because you eat doesn’t mean you are nourished

RECLAIMING NOURISHMENT 2

Nourish §provide with the food or other substances necessary for good health § to cherish and keep alive § to strengthen or build § to foster and promote growth § to nurture, cultivate, and bring to maturity

Eating Problems - Deborah MacNamara, PhD

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, Nov. 6-8, 2023

WHAT IF WE SAW EATING ISSUES THROUGH A DEVELOPMENTAL AND RELATIONAL LENS?

ATTACHMENT PATTERNS

• Satiation • Frustration • Competition

Cascading care is the nature of attachment

Eating Problems - Deborah MacNamara, PhD

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, Nov. 6-8, 2023

providing caretaking instincts to take responsibility for to orient and to inform to care for & take care of to protect & defend to guide and direct to look out for to possess to lead to hide needs to give the orders to transmit one’s values to command and prescribe

SATIATION ATTACHMENT PATTERN

Seeking Child

Providing Adult

• depending upon for, cued by felt need

• caring provider who is cued by the perceived need

• involves trusting in, wanting, aching for, asking for, wishing for, looking up to • experiences shame when things don’t work

• involves generosity, leading, initiating, nurturing, taking charge

• holds self responsible, feels guilty when things don’t work RESULT: Both parties feel fulfilled in this dance. The interaction is relatively easy and satisfying for both.

FRUSTATION ATTACHMENT PATTERN

Demanding Child

Providing Adult

• is bossy, prescriptive, assertive, controlling, and cannot let go; insists on fairness, rights and getting what is deserved • holds others responsible, feels angry when things don’t work

• caring provider who is cued by the perceived need • involves generosity, leading, initiating, nurturing, engaging • holds self responsible, feels guilty when things don’t work

Result: frustrated, insatiable, restless, unfulfilled, hard to please, doesn’t feel taken care of

Result: frustrated, exhausted, confused, provider needs are unfulfilled

Eating Problems - Deborah MacNamara, PhD

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, Nov. 6-8, 2023

What is the problem? The more you work at being cared for and orchestrate it, the more insecure you become.

COMPETITION ATTACHMENT PATTERN

Demanding Child

Demanding Adult

• is bossy, prescriptive, assertive, controlling, and cannot let go; insists on fairness, rights and getting what is deserved

• holds others responsible, feels angry when things don’t work

Result: frustrated, insatiable, restless, unfulfilled, hard to please, doesn’t feel taken care of

We are being displaced as providers when it comes to the provision of food.

Eating Problems - Deborah MacNamara, PhD

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, Nov. 6-8, 2023

FEEDING PROBLEMS CAN CREATE RELATIONAL ONES RELATIONAL PROBLEMS CAN EATING ONES 14

PICKY EATING

◦ Shyness instincts ◦ Brain integration ◦ Age of autonomy

Eating Problems - Deborah MacNamara, PhD

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, Nov. 6-8, 2023

SENSITIVITY

◦ Enhanced sensorium ◦ Brain integration ◦ Emotional overload

FEEDING AND EATING PROBLEMS AS A STRESS RESPONSE

losing face

fee l

in g

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i ta

rejec tion

liz at

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NEGLECT both pare nts w orkin g

insignficance

movi ng

one loss of loved

STRESs?

isolat ion DEATH

r si o th e

loneliness identity DIVORCE tion sec adop rets RETIREMENT

threats to

ABU

are yc da

b lin g

ed ov l un l entia residhool sc

Eating Problems - Deborah MacNamara, PhD

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, Nov. 6-8, 2023

THE BRAIN’S SOLUTIONS TO FACING SEPARATION closure

PURSUIT

ALARM

FRUSTRATION

caution

change

THE BRAIN’S SOLUTION TO FACING SEPARATION closure

PURSUIT

s re St

is ALARM se n o

IO OT

S ES

IN EL

FRUSTRATION

caution e sr

change

For OPTIMAL functioning, we need to FEEL ……....... when ……...... • feel hurt when wounded

• feel caring when attached

• feel tired when needing rest

• feel shy when not attached

• feel sorry when bad things happen • feel rejected when not invited • feel hopeful when looking forward • feel frustrated when thwarted • feel alarmed when facing separation• feel angry when facing injustice • feel hungry when needing food • feel desire when hungry for closeness • feel futility when it is encountered • feel conflicted when mixed emotions exist • feel satiated when attachment hunger is fulfilled • feel empty / lonely when apart from attachments • feel embarrassed when exposed in a negative light • feel shame when sensing something is wrong with self • feel cautious when sensing that something could go wrong

Eating Problems - Deborah MacNamara, PhD

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, Nov. 6-8, 2023

Vulnerable feelings more likely to be defensively inhibited feelings of woundedness (hurt feelings, anguish, pain) feelings of dependence (emptiness, neediness, missing, loneliness, insecurity) feelings of shyness and timidity feelings of embarrassment including blushing feelings of shame (that something is wrong with me) feelings of futility (sadness, disappointment, grief, sorrow) feelings of alarm (apprehension, unsafe, anxiety and fear) feelings of caring (compassion, empathy, devotion, concern, provide for, meet needs of, treasure, invested in) feelings of responsibility (feel badly, remorse, make things work for, take the lead concerning, make things better for)

THE BRAIN’S SOLUTIONS TO FACING SEPARATION when feelings are removed from the equation

follow PURSUIT

fli Fr ght ALARM ee o ze r

fig ht

FRUSTRATION

the emotional roots of

EATING PROBLEMS MORE EMOTION

Less feeling

FEEDING AND EATING PROBLEMS

FOOD BATTLES ARFID ORTHOREXIA BULEMIA ANOREXIA

Eating Problems - Deborah MacNamara, PhD

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, Nov. 6-8, 2023

Key Insight ATTACHMENT togetherness

SEPARATION food

distress

THE CONTINUUM OF EATING DISTRESS

DEFENSIVE DETACHMENT ◦ Reversal of attachment instincts ◦ Resists proximity instead of pursuit ◦ Increased counterwill, frustration, and alarm

Eating Problems - Deborah MacNamara, PhD

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, Nov. 6-8, 2023

DEFENSIVE TRANSFERENCE ◦ Pursuit is depersonalized ◦ Soothed but no satiation ◦ Increases pursuit, frustration, and alarm

DEFENSIVE DOMINANCE ◦ Attached but not dependent ◦ Resists direction and influence ◦ Increased counterwill, alarm, and frustration

PRESERVING TOGETHERNESS

Eating Problems - Deborah MacNamara, PhD

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, Nov. 6-8, 2023

* RELATIONSHIP * RELATIONAL CONTEXT * EXPOSURE AND ATTACHMENT

Three Rituals to Preserve Togetherness ◦ COLLECTING ◦ BRIDGING ◦ MATCHMAKING

WHAT DOES FOOD NEED FROM US? … take the lead eg, to take control, to give orders, to demand deference, to command attention, to get on top of things, to be in the know, to provide answers, to trump interaction, to have the last word

Eating Problems - Deborah MacNamara, PhD

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, Nov. 6-8, 2023

WHAT DOES FOOD NEED FROM US? … assume responsibility eg, to make things work for, to feel guilty when, to feel badly when, to fix things for, to make things better for, to feel remorse concerning, to make sacrifices for

34 … care for and to care about

eg, to be concerned about, to help, to bear the burdens of, to give assistance to, to meet the needs of, to provide what is needed

WHAT DOES FOOD NEED FROM US? … care for and to care about eg, to be concerned about, to help, to bear the burdens of, to give assistance to, to meet the needs of, to provide what is needed

ROAD MAP FOR INTERVENTION • Compensate for stuckness • Reestablish caring dominance • True play • Soften the heart • Come alongside • Make room for tears

Eating Problems - Deborah MacNamara, PhD

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, Nov. 6-8, 2023

RESOURCES macnamara.ca

Newsletter

Neufeld Institute Neufeldinstitute.or g

- A NEUFELD INSTITUTE & JACK HIROSE CONFERENCE -

EMOTIONAL HEALTH & WELL-BEING TOWARDS FLOURISHING CHILDREN & YOUTH

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 6 - WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 8, 2023 Hilton Garden Inn Saskatoon Downtown 90 22 St E, Saskatoon, SK S7K 3X6

TAMARA STRIJACK, M.A.

WORKSHOP #7 The Vital Role of Emotional Playgrounds in Flourishing: From Toddlerhood To Elderhood Day Two | 12:45pm - 4:00pm

208-197 Forester Street North Vancouver, BC, Canada V7H 0A6 t 604 924 0296

f 604 924 0239

t f 1 800 456 5424

DAY 2

e registration@jackhirose.com

Emotional Playgrounds - T. Strijack

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8, 2023

The Vital Role of EMOTIONAL PLAYGROUNDS: from toddlerhood to elderhood (selected slides without images)

Tamara Strijack Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, November 2023

the role of EMOTION

emo*ons have work to do closure separationtriggered

PURSUIT

ALARM

FRUSTRATION

caution

change

Emotional Playgrounds - T. Strijack

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8, 2023

the role of PLAY

what is true play? • NOT work • about PROCESS not outcome • WITHOUT judgment or evaluation • NOT for real • INDIRECT • ONE STEP REMOVED • comes from the INSIDE OUT freedom safety expressive

Emotional Playgrounds - T. Strijack

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8, 2023

how PLAY serves EMOTION

the PLAY mode allows emotions to

rest

PLAY provides

room for things to

move

Emotional Playgrounds - T. Strijack

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8, 2023

PLAY helps

move … built up energy out … attacking energy out … stuck alarm energy out … us closer to our feelings … us closer to our sadness

PLAY provides

release

our role as MATCH-MAKER FACILITATOR PROTECTOR OF SPACE

Emotional Playgrounds - T. Strijack

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8, 2023

what gets in the way

Emotional Playgrounds - T. Strijack

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8, 2023

play is the

VEHICLE to emotional health and healing … and we are the MIDWIVES to that process

- A NEUFELD INSTITUTE & JACK HIROSE CONFERENCE -

EMOTIONAL HEALTH & WELL-BEING TOWARDS FLOURISHING CHILDREN & YOUTH

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 6 - WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 8, 2023 Hilton Garden Inn Saskatoon Downtown 90 22 St E, Saskatoon, SK S7K 3X6

EVA DE GOSZTONYI, M.A.

WORKSHOP #8 Shielding the Vulnerable: How to Protect Their Hearts & Minds Day Two | 12:45pm - 4:00pm

208-197 Forester Street North Vancouver, BC, Canada V7H 0A6 t 604 924 0296

f 604 924 0239

t f 1 800 456 5424

DAY 2

e registration@jackhirose.com

Shielding the Vulnerable – Eva de Gosztonyi

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, November 7, 2023

SHIELDING THE VULNERABLE: HOW TO PROTECT THEIR HEARTS AND MINDS Eva de Gosztonyi, psychologist

edegosztonyi@gmail.com

Faculty, NEUFELD INSTITUTE

www.degosztonyi.org

•Who are the vulnerable? •What happens when they are not protected? •What do we do that inadvertently doesn’t protect them? •How can we best protect them? 2

WHO ARE THE VULNERABLE? ALL CHILDREN

Every moment of every day our children wonder: Who is taking care of me? 3

Shielding the Vulnerable – Eva de Gosztonyi

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, November 7, 2023

THE NEED FOR ATTACHMENT Attachment is our greatest need

Separation our greatest fear 4

WHO ARE THE VULNERABLE? HIGHLY SENSITIVE CHILDREN • Gifted • Highly reactive • Slow to react • Shy

• Sensory integration issues • Anxious • Oppositional • Explosive

HYPERSENSITIVE Autism Spectrum 5

RESEARCH ON SENSITIVITY Thomas Boyce, M.D. and his colleagues have generated over 200 scientific publications They have found a subset of children - “orchid children” • who demonstrate exceptional biological sensitivity to their social environments • who show higher cortisol levels for “normal” stressors o bear higher risks of illness and developmental disorders in settings of adversity and stress o ON THE OTHER HAND, these same characteristics make them responsive to positive influences and sensitive to social and emotional cues – when raised in supportive environments "They can really blossom into extraordinary people." 6

Shielding the Vulnerable – Eva de Gosztonyi

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, November 7, 2023

RESEARCH ON SENSITIVITY Elaine Aron – describes these children as • being shy and fussy • having sensory-processing sensitivity • being startled easily, are sensitive to pain, sensitive to bright lights, strong smells and coarse fabrics and, also deeply moved by art. • tending to notice more about the people around them and their physical environment, but they are also easily overwhelmed. Jelena Obradovic "These are the kids that if you approach them too quickly, or make too loud a noise in their face, get fussy and irritated." 7

CHARACTERISTICS OF A HIGHLY SENSITIVE CHILD American psychologist Elaine Aron has developed a check list to assess whether children are highly sensitive to their environments. Does you child... • Notice the slightest unusual odour? • Prefer quiet play? • Complain about scratching clothing, tags in clothes or seams in socks? • Startle easy? • Perform best when strangers aren't around? • Feel things deeply? • Notice when others are in distress? • Have trouble falling asleep after an exciting day? Is your child... • Sensitive to pain? • A perfectionist? • Bothered by noisy places? 8 The full questionnaire can be found on the website hsperson.com

Dr. Bruce Perry (2021) What Happened to You?

Shielding the Vulnerable – Eva de Gosztonyi

SENSITIVITY

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, November 7, 2023

STRESS

•Genetics

• Separation

•Pre-natal stressors

• Shame • Alarm

•Peri-natal stressors

Senses get easily overwhelmed

Challenges for Sensitive Children

School is difficult because there is too much sensory stimulation which results in emotional overload Brain quickly goes to sympathetic nervous system more easily which can result in alarm and anxiety The brain sets up defenses to cope with being overwhelmed by the sensitivity Behavior challenges arise from overwhelmed senses and/or defendedness

BRAIN’S ALARM SYSTEM: • Mediated by the LIMBIC SYSTEM • Amygdala registers the threat (like a smoke detector) • Hypothalamus orchestrates the response (it links the nervous system to the endocrine system via the pituitary gland) • Which triggers the SYMPATHETIC NERVOUS SYSTEM • Hippocampus – Memory 12

Shielding the Vulnerable – Eva de Gosztonyi

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, November 7, 2023

• Constricts blood vessels • Sharp Increase in Breathing & Heart Rate • Blood diverts to Muscles • Suspends “rest & digest”

WHAT SENSITIVE CHILDREN WOULD LIKE YOU TO KNOW ABOUT THEM • Their head can be very busy processing their world • They are more prone to feeling stronger emotions when stirred up by their world • Relationships with others can take additional time to create • They are prone to feeling coerced and are more likely to resist other people’s agendas • Structure and routine provide safety and security Deborah MacNamara 14

WHAT SENSITIVE CHILDREN WOULD LIKE YOU TO KNOW ABOUT THEM The more the child is hypersensitive and emotionally intense: § More easily they are affected and moved by their emotions § More easily they are overwhelmed by their emotional experience § More likely they are to be ”stuck” emotionally: o Emotional intensity evokes more defenses o Intellectualization of experiences (escape of emotions) o Loss of tears necessary for adaptation § More adults attempt to calm the child in order to avoid emotional eruptions, which doesn’t help the situation

Shielding the Vulnerable – Eva de Gosztonyi

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, November 7, 2023

WHAT DOESN’T WORK To EXPECT highly sensitive children to: • function well like any other neurotypical children • follow daily routine without too much struggle • stay seated in class during desk work • be able to remain focused on task given • tune in to instructions automatically without needing too many cues/prompts • manage transitions (hallway, schoolyard, cafeteria) with ease

WHAT DOESN’T WORK REASONING, TALKING especially about CONSEQUENCES • Talking keeps them in high arousal – flight or fight mode – intensifies the agony. • When the child is in “survival” mode they cannot hear our words, just our tone. • They can’t process language (the words we are using) just keep hearing the TONE • They can’t remember the future (what will happen if they don’t stop) – only feel the intensity of the present moment.

Waiting to hear: “And I’ve had it with you.”

HIGH SENSITIVITY DEFENDEDNESS

ADULT IMPATIENCE

IRRITATING BEHAVIOUR

AND DISCIPLINE

Shielding the Vulnerable – Eva de Gosztonyi

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, November 7, 2023

WHO ARE THE VULNERABLE? TRAUMATIZED CHILDREN

Those who have experienced Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACES)

Adverse Childhood Experiences (10): q emotional abuse o parent and/or sibling q physical abuse o parent and/or sibling q sexual abuse q lack of family support q physical neglect

q loss of parent o separation/divorce o absence o multiple step-parents o Illness o death o adoption q witness domestic violence q familial substance abuse q familial mental illness q family member in prison

Other possible Adverse Experiences q Frequent hospitalization (parent or child) q Death of a sibling q Sibling with special needs q Foster care q Multiple changes in parental or guardian care q Caregivers/parents who are at odds with each other CHARACTERIZED AS AN EXPERIENCE OF SEPARATION 21

Shielding the Vulnerable – Eva de Gosztonyi

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, November 7, 2023

The Effects of Complex Childhood Trauma Australian Childhood Foundation

▻ Trauma significantly alters baseline physiological arousal levels in children. o The amygdala becomes kindled, releasing stress hormones into the body and brain ▻ Trauma reduces cortical capacity to regulate subcortical activation in children. o The prefrontal cortex functioning is hijacked and is also less developed due to stress hormones. Emotions take over. ▻ Trauma disrupts memory functioning in children. o The hippocampus focuses on survival, not on memory transfer ▻ Trauma restricts the attentional capacity of children. o The Limbic System is preoccupied with survival 22

Effects of Adverse Childhood Experiences Eamon McCrory et al. U College London, 2011 Children exposed to family violence show the same pattern of activity in their brains as SOLDIERS EXPOSED TO COMBAT. Exposure to family violence was associated with increased brain activity in the AMYGDALA when they were shown pictures of angry faces. 23

Effects of Adverse Childhood Experiences The amygdala continues to fire as though DANGER is always imminent

RAPID ESCALATION: feeling terrorized feeling threatened mildly anxious 24

Shielding the Vulnerable – Eva de Gosztonyi

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, November 7, 2023

Effects of Adverse Childhood Experiences

•HYPER-VIGILANCE –Scanning the environment •FOCUS is on the NON-VERBAL •tone of voice •body language •facial expression •inability to understand words •becomes a being of “sensation”

The Effects of Complex Childhood Trauma Australian Childhood Foundation

▻ Trauma limits children’s response flexibility and adaptability to change. o When in the survival mode cortisol, norepinephrine cause the brain to put the focus on survival behaviours which stem from the limbic system o Even though the child “knows better”, in the moment, the child cannot “do better” as they cannot access the higher parts of the brain o Since cortisol is detrimental to brain development, children have access to fewer parts of the cortex than children of the same age. Less prefrontal cortex access and less communication between the hemispheres 26 (corpus callosum)

INTEGRATIVE CAPACITY SU COGNITIVE RV CAPACITY IVAL

R GE EMOTION N DA

INSTINCT 27

Shielding the Vulnerable – Eva de Gosztonyi

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, November 7, 2023

Effects of Adverse Childhood Experiences Erin E. Edmiston et al., Yale Univ. 2011 Self-reported scores on the Childhood Trauma Questionnaire (CTQ) show that experiences of physical abuse, physical &/or emotional neglect can decrease the volume of the PREFRONTAL CORTEX MALES = IMPULSE CONTROL FEMALES = EMOTIONAL REGULATION

PRE-FRONTAL CORTEX Allows for conflicting THOUGHTS and FEELINGS PROVIDES A TEMPERING ELEMENT

SE UL L IMP TRO N CO

on the one hand

on the other hand

my needs

the needs of others SO C reason SK IAL ILL S ALLOWS US TO APPLY WHAT WE KNOW emotions

LEM • only starts to engage between 5 -7 years of age OB PR LVING • does not stabilize until the mid 20’s SO • is ”glitchy” in the teen years • development is slowed by childhood trauma

DELAY OF GRATIFICATION

TIME MANAGEMENT

EMOTIONAL REGULATION

CORPUS CALLOSUM

• Communication between LEFT Brain & RIGHT Brain • Transfers MOTOR, SENSORY, and COGNITIVE information between the brain hemispheres. • INTEGRATION OF INFORMATION

A.P. Jackowski et al., 2008 Children with PTSD had reduced volume in the Corpus Callosum.

Shielding the Vulnerable – Eva de Gosztonyi

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, November 7, 2023

LEFT HEMISPHERE

RIGHT HEMISPHERE

• learns facts • de-contextualized

• looks at the whole picture • makes sense of the details • considers context • seeks understanding

• finds facts • wants THE RULE

• abstract • wants THE answer

RIGHT HEMISPHERE REQUIRES EXPERIENCES NOT INFORMATION TO DEVELOP RIGHT HEMISPHERE IS IN RAPID DEVELOPMENT DURING EARLY CHILDHOOD The Master and His Emissary: The Divided Brain

Iain McGilchrist

BRAIN FUNCTIONING AFFECTED BY A.C.E. PREFRONTAL CORTEX

TWO THOUGHTS/ FEELINGS AT A TIME

CORPUS CALLOSUM (THE BRIDGE)

LEFT & RIGHT HEMISPHERE

CONNECTS THE LEFT AND RIGHT PARTS OF THE BRAIN

THE FACTS & THE WHOLE 32

Effects of Adverse Childhood Experiences

« COLD COGNITION » « HOT COGNITION »

EMOTION KINDLED AMYGDALA

REASON COMPROMISED PREFRONTAL CORTEX / CORPUS CALLOSUM functioning

THE DOUBLE INVISIBLE HANDICAP

Shielding the Vulnerable – Eva de Gosztonyi

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, November 7, 2023

The Effects of Complex Childhood Trauma Australian Childhood Foundation

▻ Trauma based behaviour is functional at the time in which it develops as a response to threat. o Flight or fight response makes sense to the brain that is trying to survive but causes big problems in a school setting. • Flight – avoiding work that makes the child feel vulnerable • Fight – attacking those who are trying to make the child do something that feels unsafe o Hypervigilance is necessary to ensure survival • BUT scattered attention makes it difficult for the child to remember instructions or to stay on task

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE ARE FACING SEPARATION?

THE BRAIN IS MOVED TO FIX THE PROBLEM =

E-MOTION 35

THREE PRIMARY EMOTIONS EXPERIENCED IN THE FACE OF SEPARATION MOVED TO RESTORE PROXIMITY

PURSUIT FACING SEPARATION

ALARM MOVED TO CAUTION AND TO AVOID THAT WHICH ALARMS

FRUSTRATION MOVED TO EFFECT CHANGE AND TO FIX THE PROBLEM / ATTACK

Shielding the Vulnerable – Eva de Gosztonyi

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, November 7, 2023

THREE PRIMARY EMOTIONS EXPERIENCED IN THE FACE OF SEPARATION THESE EMOTIONS PURSUIT ARE INTENSE AND USUALLY FELT ONE AT A FACING TIME

SEPARATION

ALARM

FRUSTRATION

THESE EMOTIONS CAN DISPLACE ONE ANOTHER, BUT THEY STILL ARE THERE. THEY WILL BE EXPRESSED, BUT AT ANOTHER TIME AND PLACE

Emotion becomes FEELING when it is FELT or becomes conscious FEELING

TEARS “I’m scared.”

“It’s not working.”

SADNESS

EMOTIONS are not always FELT but they still exist.

FRUSTRATION ALARM a

e lin na co d re

EMOTION rti

heart rate blood pressure 38

EMOTIONS and FEELINGS Neuroscientists have noted that unconscious emotional arousal is possible, distinguishing feeling states from emotional ones. Damasio states that there is “no evidence that we are conscious of all of our feelings, and much to suggest that we are not.” e.g. hunger, tiredness, cold • differentiate emotion from feeling (i.e., consciousness of emotion) • with the realization that the luxury of feeling cannot be afforded if the circumstances are too stressful (inhibition), • laying the conceptual groundwork for a neuroscience of defense. Jaak Panksepp, Antonio Damasio, and Joseph LeDoux

Shielding the Vulnerable – Eva de Gosztonyi

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, November 7, 2023

Too much separation Too much shame Too much alarm

• It’s not safe to express what I am feeling. • It’s not safe to depend or be vulnerable.

• The world is overwhelming and there is no one who can keep me safe.

Effects of ADVERSE EXPERIENCES or too much SENSITIVITY

3. defenses work best when employed situationally and temporarily

4. defenses are automatic and mechanistic and are not willfully controlled 41

DEFENSES - SEEN Default State Network – DSN: •

Mid-line brain structures involved in a sense of self

•

Contribute to “consciousness”

•

Ruth Lanius 2005 – MRI – patients with PTSD had significantly lower levels of DSN activity in the brain than those without PTSD.

Shielding the Vulnerable – Eva de Gosztonyi

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, November 7, 2023

Why does our brain protect us? 2. The shell is necessary so we can function but it should be temporary.

1.When we don’t “feel”, we can keep from getting hurt.

Vulnerability

3. There needs to be an “end of the day” where/when the feelings But that can be messy as can come children often let out back “big” emotions with the people they love the most 44

Shielding the Vulnerable – Eva de Gosztonyi

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, November 7, 2023

EMOTIONS The action potential of EMOTION has energy that seeks EXPRESSION

Once it is activated, it needs to “find a way out”.

BEHAVIOUR FEELING

• Anxiety • Obsessions • Compulsions • Panic • Attention problems • Agitation • Hyperactivity • Poor memory

BRAIN SUPPRESSES DEFENDS

EMOTION

ALARM ad

re n

a li

ne co

rti

heart rate blood pressure G. Neufeld, PhD.

BEHAVIOUR • Impatience • Irritability • Tantrums • Physical outbursts • Self attack • Depression

FEELING BRAIN SUPPRESSES DEFENDS

EMOTION

FRUSTRATION re ad

lin

e co

rti

heart rate blood pressure G. Neufeld, PhD.

Shielding the Vulnerable – Eva de Gosztonyi

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, November 7, 2023

THE IMPACT OF TOO MUCH SEPARATION • constantly seeking attention • possessing • taking things • wanting to be first • being “too good” intensified

PURSUIT

FACING SEPARATION INTENSE ALARM

FOUL FRUSTRATION

THE IMPACT OF TOO MUCH SEPARATION intensified PURSUIT FACING SEPARATION • anxiety • obsessions INTENSE • compulsions ALARM • agitation

FOUL FRUSTRATION

• hyperactivity • attention problems • alarm reduction

THE IMPACT OF TOO MUCH SEPARATION intensified PURSUIT FACING SEPARATION INTENSE ALARM

• screaming

• tantrums FOUL FRUSTRATION • hitting • kicking • self-attack

Shielding the Vulnerable – Eva de Gosztonyi

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, November 7, 2023

THE IMPACT OF TOO MUCH SEPARATION • constantly seeking attention • possessing • taking things • wanting to be first • being “too good” intensified

PURSUIT

FACING SEPARATION • anxiety • obsessions INTENSE • compulsions ALARM • agitation • hyperactivity • attention problems • alarm reduction

• screaming

• tantrums FOUL FRUSTRATION • hitting • kicking • self-attack

SHIELDING THE VULNERABLE: HOW TO PROTECT THEIR HEARTS AND MINDS HIGHLY SENSITIVE CHILDREN HYPERSENSITIVE CHILDREN TRAUMATIZED CHILDREN ALL CHILDREN

SHIELDING THE VULNERABLE

I. Prioritize ATTACHMENT II. Understand and compensate for IMMATURITY III. Allow for EMOTIONAL EXPRESSION IV. Help children find their TEARS V. Make time for PLAY

Shielding the Vulnerable – Eva de Gosztonyi

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, November 7, 2023

Shield through the Relationship • convey a strong caring ALPHA presence • COLLECT to engage and invite dependence

• BRIDGE separations with other forms of connection • BRIDGE troubling symptoms with connection • NURTURE (including food) in the context of connection

• COME ALONGSIDE emotional experience • support EXISTING ATTACHMENTS

• MATCHMAKE to embed in cascading care and shielding attachments 55

CONVEY A STRONG ALPHA PRESENCE It is very important that children see adults as being able to handle their world: opresent yourself as the ANSWER to what the child truly needs ogive the impression that you can and will take care of the child oTAKE CHARGE of the situations and circumstances regarding the child oinvite the inevitable and convey that you can handle it Avoid pushing the child into Alpha mode: o by revealing oneself as in need of being taken care of o by sharing feelings that the child could assume responsibility for 56

CONVEY A STRONG ALPHA PRESENCE When you DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO • Act CONFIDENTLY • Do NOT speak of your concerns IN FRONT OF THE CHILD • In difficult situations reassure the child: o We’ll figure it out. o We’ll get through this.

Shielding the Vulnerable – Eva de Gosztonyi

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, November 7, 2023

CONVEY A STRONG ALPHA PRESENCE MAKE IT SAFE AND EASY TO DEPEND • Invite dependence rather than resisting it. • Take the lead in the relationship and in taking care of the child. • Inspire the trust and confidence of the child – that you are for them and can be depended upon • Don’t take advantage of a child’s smallness, inferiority, neediness, fears, or state of dependency by taking things away to gain compliance. • Remember that the other children are noting how you are responding to that child. 58

CONVEY A STRONG ALPHA PRESENCE READ THE NEED AND TAKE THE LEAD How to be the “ANSWER” Be the one who provides without being asked: •

Offering an alternative when the situation is becoming overwhelming before the behaviour deteriorates

•

Anticipating what might be needed in certain situations o A “kit” with noise cancelling earphones, fidget items, comfort items, snacks etc.

Stay in CHARGE even if you can’t be in CONTROL •

“I think you should…”

•

“I’ve decided that..” 59

COLLECT BEFORE YOU DIRECT Engage the attachment instincts before trying to get the child to listen or to behave space - eyes - a smile - a nod How can I get the child to look at me and smile? • Speak softly • Say name with warmth and affection DOES THIS CHILD GIVE ME PERMISSION TO EXIST IN HIS/HER PRESENCE?

Shielding the Vulnerable – Eva de Gosztonyi

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, November 7, 2023

COLLECT BEFORE YOU DIRECT How can I get the child who is playing a video game, playing with toys or playing with friends to look at me and smile?

Get close - the eyes a smile - a nod • Get close enough to see what they are doing – stand quietly • Wait until they look up at you • Smile and with a gentle voice comment on what they are doing or imitate what they are doing • When they are nodding and smiling – let them know what you want them to do: “It’s time for supper.” “It’s time to clean up.” “It’s time to go.” 61

COMING ALONGSIDE To come alongside a person’s feelings is to… • accept their existence regardless of how irrational and unreasonable they may seem • normalize the feelings rather than treat their existence as a problem • make room for the feelings rather than try to get rid of them.

COMING ALONGSIDE An 11-year-old girl is really frustrated because her team just lost. She is yelling and kicking leaves. NEGATING FEELINGS:

ACCEPTING FEELINGS:

“Come on, honey, calm down. Everyone loses sometimes. It’s not that big a deal.” ….

“Losing is so frustrating! You were trying so hard.” “That’s disappointing.”

She starts blaming everyone else, “They’re so stupid.” “That’s no way to talk about your team-mates. They were doing their best.” “Cheer up.”

“You really wish they would have done things differently.” It seems unfair when not everyone pulls their weight.”

The girl swore and ran away. 63

Shielding the Vulnerable – Eva de Gosztonyi

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, November 7, 2023

COMING ALONGSIDE • Talk about how hard it is to remember and get things done • Assure the child that you will keep helping • If the child has had a “bad day” at school give extra care – warm blanket, hot chocolate, favorite treat, read an extra book When we care for our children on their bad days, we decrease their attachment alarm – this helps them become calmer and improves their behaviour 64

ADULT

- wounding by others - not being held on to

WE MUST HAVE THE HEARTS OF THOSE WE WISH TO SHIELD AND PROTECT

- losses and lacks - peer or sibling rejection

child

- shaming or put-downs - not feeling liked, wanted or valued - feeling too much to handle

I. Prioritize ATTACHMENT Treat the need for Attachment like the need for food a) provide MORE than what is asked for b) provide it GENEROUSLY

So that attachment needs are fulfilled 66

Shielding the Vulnerable – Eva de Gosztonyi

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, November 7, 2023

SHIELDING THE VULNERABLE Make attachment UNCONDITIONAL Children are not meant to have to WORK for attachment. When they are working, they are not growing. a) avoid making relationship dependent on rewards. b) provide MORE attachment when behaviour is at its worst. 67

SHIELDING THE VULNERABLE WHAT TO AVOID 1. FOCUSING TOO QUICKLY ON GETTING THE CHILD TO “SELF-REGULATE”. i. The child gets the message – there is something wrong with what he or she is feeling. “I need to change before I have permission to exist in your presence.” “It is not safe to be who I am or feel what I feel, in this moment.” 2. PROCESSING AN INCIDENT BEFORE EMOTION HAS BEEN GIVEN SPACE. i. The child gets the message that they need to be “fixed”, that changing behaviour is more important than how the situation felt to them. ii. The child senses that we don’t believe that they will “grow” into doing better.

AVOID ‘you won’t be able to stay with us if you don’t behave’

any form of separation or isolation or love withdrawal or the anticipation of such

‘I need a break from you’ or ‘you’re too much to handle’

fueling the separation complex

‘go to your room’ or ‘get out of my sight’

ignoring and the silent treatment responses

reward systems contracts and ultimatums that involve separation as a possible outcome using what children care about against them

Shielding the Vulnerable – Eva de Gosztonyi

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, November 7, 2023

WHAT IS THE EMOTIONAL FALLOUT OF A BEHAVIOUR SYSTEM? THE BEHAVIOUR CHART Ø after the first few weeks of school, it is usually the same children who are in yellow, orange or red Ø if they could change their behaviour they would Ø immaturity and emotional needs are the real reasons behind most “mis-behaviour” Ø the warning system can cause shame or alarm – displacing behaviour but not changing or dealing with the underlying cause USE THE TIME TO FOR PREVENTATIVE INTERVENTIONS

WHAT IS THE EMOTIONAL FALLOUT OF A BEHAVIOUR SYSTEM?

Why I Will Never Use a Behavior Chart Again Nikki Sabiston I remembered my own son coming home from Kindergarten, day after day, in tears because he just couldn't seem to stay on 'green’. He wanted so badly to behave. He wanted to please his teachers. He wanted mom and dad to be proud of him. But his impulsivity did not allow him to keep himself in check for the whole school day. Every time she moved that clip, he was being reminded that he wasn't good enough for his teacher. That kindergarten year was one of the hardest years our family has endured. It is utterly heartbreaking to hear your child say things like, "I hate myself. Why can't I be good? My teacher hates me. I'm not good enough." Tears are dropping on the keyboard as I remember those moments. Now that he is being treated for ADHD, he is much happier at school and doing well, but that color chart just about destroyed my son. 71

WHAT IS THE EMOTIONAL FALLOUT OF A BEHAVIOUR SYSTEM?

Why I Will Never Use a Behavior Chart Again Nikki Sabiston • They track behavior, but they do not change it. • For kids who are not able to adhere to the cultural expectations of school, the chart can be absolutely demoralizing. And this seems to be mostly boys - hmmm. • The chart makes the assumption, before the kid ever crosses the threshold of the classroom door, that he is going to misbehave. Ouch. • As much as we try to make that chart seem like a 'reminder' and not a negative thing, it is still embarrassing to many children. • Even kids who always stay on 'green', often feel stress and worry as they watch some of their classmates repeatedly move on the color chart 72

Shielding the Vulnerable – Eva de Gosztonyi

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, November 7, 2023

WHAT IS THE EMOTIONAL FALLOUT OF A BEHAVIOUR SYSTEM?

USING THE AGENDA TO REPORT BEHAVIOUR AT THE END OF EACH DAY i. A “red” or “yellow” face puts the child into a state of facing separation – imagining and/or seeing DISAPPOINTMENT on the parent’s face. ii. The parent is disappointed, wants to correct the behavior, but it can’t happen overnight, so everyone is tense. iii. The parent and child are both frustrated or alarmed and therefore, the child cannot “rest” in the relationship – poor rest increases the likelihood of poor behaviour. iv. “Good” children can become alarmed – fearful of getting a “yellow” or “red” face = Sunday night meltdowns. v. The adults at school are not seen as “safe” because they are the ones reporting the behavior to the parents. vi. Children’s anxiety increases or they start not caring. 73 73

WHY DO REWARD SYSTEMS WORK?

Thinking about Attachment • Attachment is our preeminent need • Humans are naturally attuned to what can increase or maintain attachment – Emotion = Pursuit • A reward or star system makes it very clear which behaviours will make an adult “happy”. • Now, attachment becomes conditional – • for the teacher or my parents to be “happy with me” – want me in their presence, I must be “good”.

A child said to his mother, “Mommy, I could have gotten 45 points today, but I only got 35 points. CAN YOU STILL LOVE ME?” 74

WHOSE BEHAVIOUR IS REALLY CHANGED?

Teacher correcting a Teacher giving a star behaviour Which person would I prefer to listen to?

Remember: Attachment instincts are engaged when we collect children’s eyes, a nod and a smile. 75

A reward system makes adults smile.

Shielding the Vulnerable – Eva de Gosztonyi

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, November 7, 2023

WHAT IS THE EMOTIONAL FALLOUT OF A BEHAVIOUR SYSTEM? Richard Curwin (2012): • Bribes are threats in disguise. • Withholding rewards can be used as a threat hammer very easily. • The truth is that threats and bribes are two sides of the same coin: control. • The more we tell children how good they are, the greater the fall if they cannot live up to all that praise Rewards are associated with attachment. The inability to earn a reward threatens the child with separation

WHAT IS THE EMOTIONAL FALLOUT OF A BEHAVIOUR SYSTEM? Humans are creatures of emotion. Emotions move us. Behaviour is an expression of what is happening emotionally. When we work at controlling the symptoms (the behaviour), true change cannot happen. In fact, things can get worse. Emotions seek expression. o a child or youth who is “good” in class to get a reward will often erupt with emotion once outside of class. o or if the school is lucky, they will save the eruption for home. 77

UNDERSTANDING EMOTION Receiving a reward may be satisfying in the moment but NOT receiving a reward evokes emotions such as: • Frustration: “I wanted the reward and couldn’t earn it.” • which can lead to acting out, aggression or a meltdown. • Alarm: “What will happen if my parents found out that I couldn’t be “good enough.” • thus, increasing anxiety and possibly contributing to a meltdown • Intensified Pursuit: “I will pay attention to and do only those things which will earn me the reward.”

• resulting in performance but not necessarily true learning. This can also cause exhaustion as it is hard to be good all the time. 78

Shielding the Vulnerable – Eva de Gosztonyi

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, November 7, 2023

BRIDGE TROUBLING SYMPTOMS WITH CONNECTION Focus on the next point of contact “We’ll try again tomorrow.” “We’ll find a way to make things better.” “I still love you.” The message we want to give our children even if things are not going well - WE WILL CONTINUE TO CARE FOR THEM. BRIDGING gives the child HOPE.

BRIDGE SEPARATIONS WITH OTHER FORMS OF CONNECTION HELP THE CHILD TO HOLD ON WHEN APART

• photos • stuffed animal • token • piece of clothing (smell) • book • small note

BRIDGE SEPARATIONS WITH OTHER FORMS OF CONNECTION HELPING THE CHILD TO HOLD ON WHEN APART Frequent connection • record a message, story, song • text message • facetime • phone call • mail small gifts • email messages • send a link to a song

Shielding the Vulnerable – Eva de Gosztonyi

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, November 7, 2023

NURTURE (INCLUDING FOOD) IN THE CONTEXT OF CONNECTION • Collect for connection – eyes, nod, smile • Gathering rituals for meals o Setting the table • Create special times of connection: o Bedtime rituals o Special one on one days with parent With very sensitive children stay LOW KEY 82

MATCHMAKE to EMBED in CASCADING CARE and shielding attachments • shield students at risk by fostering an attachment with a safe caring adult who is willing to serve that role • matchmake by presenting one as the ANSWER to the other • use playful activities to matchmake students to teachers and across the grades and the ages

• matchmake students hierarchically so that every student experiences being both cared for and in charge of taking care of • matchmake the more mature students with those in need, to serve as HOME BASE as needed • utilize the ‘house system’ if possible, to foster cascading care across the grades and ages

Shielding the Vulnerable – Eva de Gosztonyi

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, November 7, 2023

II. COMPENSATE FOR IMMATURITY ROUTINES AND CHORES

• Small short tasks • Visual prompts • Stay close by

III. ALLOW FOR EMOTIONAL EXPRESSION

Facilitate safe eruptions of foul frustration Once the emotion has started, it needs to MOVE through. We, at times, need to facilitate ATTACK, before FUTILITY or the SADNESS AND TEARS can be found.

Shielding the Vulnerable – Eva de Gosztonyi

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, November 7, 2023

III. ALLOW FOR EMOTIONAL EXPRESSION WORKING WITH FRUSTRATION CREATE OPPORTUNITIES FOR VENTING and RELEASING FRUSTRATION

• Bubble-wrap stomping • Egg carton crushing • Jumping on a trampoline • Pool-noodle sword fighting • Throwing stuffed animals • Rough-housing • Ripping cardboard 88

EMOTIONS ROOM A PLACE TO LET IT OUT, NOT TO KEEP IT IN A PLACE TO LEAD A CHILD TO THEIR SADNESS AND TEARS

Shielding the Vulnerable – Eva de Gosztonyi

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, November 7, 2023

SADNESS brings RECOVERY and turns STRESS into STRENGTH

DOWN

BOUN

LET

CE B AC K

ADAPTATION

Shielding the Vulnerable – Eva de Gosztonyi

HELP THAT IS

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, November 7, 2023

HELPFUL!!

Shielding the Vulnerable – Eva de Gosztonyi

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, November 7, 2023

Shielding the Vulnerable – Eva de Gosztonyi

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, November 7, 2023

NO l

re a

or Tf

o rk

100

expressive

Gordon Neufeld, PhD 101

101

CREA TIVIT Y

DISCOVERY

N RATIO EXPLO Where the child creates a sense of WHO he/she IS.

102

Shielding the Vulnerable – Eva de Gosztonyi

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, November 7, 2023

DISC OVER Y

E NC NA O S DIS

TRIAL AND ERROR A leap from purity & impulsiveness into a world of inner conflict 103

103

EXPLORATION SADNESS RE CO VE RY

A leap from weakness & fragility into strength & resilience

104

Escalating diagnoses of childhood anxiety, depression and ADHD has paralleled the loss of Play - Peter Gray, 2011 105

105

Shielding the Vulnerable – Eva de Gosztonyi

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, November 7, 2023

106

107

108

Shielding the Vulnerable – Eva de Gosztonyi

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, November 7, 2023

109

110

H UG LA

PLAY WITH THEM

HAV FUN E !

Playing with children increases attachment eyes, smiles, nods, make children want to be with us and listen to us. The mutual joy that adults and children can experience during play all regulate the body’s stress response. PLAY TIME SHOULD NOT BE EARNED– it should be scheduled and protected. The more the child is IN TROUBLE, THE MORE HE/SHE NEEDS PLAY TIME. 111

111

Shielding the Vulnerable – Eva de Gosztonyi

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, November 7, 2023

USE PLAY AND PLAYFULNESS TO INCREASE CO-OPERATION Playing usually causes smiles – increasing attachment • Make routines fun: o Going upstairs to bed: Hop like a bunny o Brushing teeth: Catching the green gremlins o Washing hands: Using bubbles – different colours o Listening to their music (teens) while cleaning up and doing dishes

112

BRINGING COMPULSIONS INTO PLAY When my son was younger, around 4 or 5, he developed rituals upon walking from room to room, from inside the car to outside and so on. He would walk one step forward and then back and then forward and then back again a certain number of times. At some point I began taking his hand and “dancing” back and forth with him - which made him smile. After some time, I would lead him - get there first and eventually began to add new motions to his “dance”. That turned it into a game and at some point, I’m not even sure when, this habit disappeared. Elana Strobinsky

113

114

Shielding the Vulnerable – Eva de Gosztonyi

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, November 7, 2023

THE ADULT ROLE • Use “self-regulation” strategies, such as deep breathing to calm yourself • PRATICE SOUNDING CONFIDENT AND COMFORTING even though your heart is breaking for them. • Convince your alpha instincts THAT DOING “NOTHING” IS sometimes the RIGHT RESPONSE • Have confidence in your instincts – avoid caving into the pressure of family and friends – you know your child the best. 115

115

SHIELDING THE VULNERABLE A THREE PART JOB 1. avoid overwhelming their vulnerabilities 2. BUT allow also for situations that are difficult so as to foster courage 3. when things don’t work out then prime adaptation 116

SHIELDING THE VULNERABLE Providing a warm invitation to exist in our presence so that they will believe: • we will be there for them even if they are not perfect. • we will keep them safe • we will take care of things

Giving them permission and space to • feel ALL of their EMOTIONS • to have their TEARS • to PLAY as much as possible TO KEEP THEIR HEARTS SOFT

117

Shielding the Vulnerable – Eva de Gosztonyi

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, November 7, 2023

HOW BEHAVIOUR CHANGES

Maturation Behaviour changes as the brain matures

Emotions Behaviour changes when emotions are felt

Vulnerability Behaviour changes when vulnerability is protected

Attachment Behaviour changes when students are attached to adults

118

CEBM Website

https://www.cebm.ca

119

IDEA CENTRE Website

www.ideacentreforeducators.org

120

RESOURCES AND REFERENCES – SHIELDING THE VULNERABLE IDEA website: www.ideacentreforeducators.org ✽ Managing Behaviour without Rewards (90 min) https://vimeo.com/773931031/989d807ddc CEBM Resource list for Handing the Sensitive Child in the Classroom CEBM website: www.cebm.ca visit also the RESOURCES CENTRE •

The Sensitive Child: www.cebmmember.ca/sensitivity

•

Sensory Issues: www.cebmmember.ca/sensory-issues

•

Sensory Friendly Practices: www.cebmmember.ca/sensory-friendly-practices

•

Sensory and Occupational Therapist (OT) Perspective: www.cebmmember.ca/sensory-and-otperspective

•

Brain Breaks: www.cebm.ca/brain-breaks

•

Quiet Corner: www.cebmmember.ca/cocoon-area

•

Anxiety and Alarm Resource page: www.cebmmember.ca/anxiety-and-alarm

•

Attention Problems Resource page: www.cebmmember.ca/attention-problems

•

Disruptive and Alarmed: www.cebmmember.ca/disruptive-and-alarmed-behaviour

•

Defended and Hard to Reach: www.cebmmember.ca/defended-and-hard-to-reach

•

Emotion and Play: www.cebm.ca/emotion-and-play

•

Attention Problems: www.cebmmember.ca/attention-problems

•

Emotional Release: www.cebm.ca/emotion-and-play REFERENCES: Aron, Elaine .2002. The Highly Sensitive Child: Helping Our Children Thrive When the World Overwhelms Them Boyce, Thomas .2019. The Orchid And The Dandelion: Why Some Children Struggle And How All Can Thrive Damasio, A. (1999) The Feeling of What Happens: Body and Emotion in the Making of Consciousness Gray, Peter (2013). Free to Learn: Why Unleashing the Instinct to Play Will Make Our Children Happier, More Self-Reliant, and Better Students for Life. Lanius, Ruth et al. (2005) Functional connectivity of dissociative responses in posttraumatic stress disorder: a functional magnetic resonance imaging investigation. Biological Psychiatry Volume 57, Issue 8, 15 pp 873884 LeDoux, Joseph. (2015). Anxious: Using the Brain to Understand and Treat Fear and Anxiety McGilchrist, Iain (2010). The Master and his Emissary http://iainmcgilchrist.com/ McGilchrist, Iain Interview on NPR - https://www.npr.org/2019/02/01/690656459/one-head-two-brains-howthe-brains-hemispheres-shape-the-world-we-see Panksepp, J. (2010). THE IMPORTANCE OF PLAY interview with Passion Jun M.D. in Brain World https://brainworldmagazine.com/the-importance-of-play-an-interview-with-dr-jaak-panksepp/ Perry, Benjamin (2023) Cry, Baby: Why our Tears Matter www.cbc.ca/listen/live-radio/1-59tapestry/clip/15993394-let-cry-baby Van der Kolk, Bessel (2014). The Body Keeps the Score Vingerhoets, Ad (2013). Why Only Humans Weep: unravelling the mystery of tears Panksepp, J. (2012). The Archaeology of the Mind: Neuroevolutionary Origins of Human Emotions Perry, Benjamin (2023) Cry, Baby: Why our Tears Matter www.cbc.ca/listen/live-radio/1-59tapestry/clip/15993394-let-cry-baby

- A NEUFELD INSTITUTE & JACK HIROSE CONFERENCE -

EMOTIONAL HEALTH & WELL-BEING TOWARDS FLOURISHING CHILDREN & YOUTH

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 6 - WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 8, 2023 Hilton Garden Inn Saskatoon Downtown 90 22 St E, Saskatoon, SK S7K 3X6

GORDON NEUFELD, PH.D.

WORKSHOP #9

Disordered and Troubled Attachments & The Current Youth Mental Health Crisis Day Three | 8:30am - 11:45am

208-197 Forester Street North Vancouver, BC, Canada V7H 0A6 t 604 924 0296

f 604 924 0239

t f 1 800 456 5424

DAY 3

e registration@jackhirose.com

Youth Mental Health Crisis - G. Neufeld

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8, 2023

Troubled & disordered a.achments and the current

Youth Mental Health Crisis

Gordon Neufeld, Ph.D.

Developmental & Clinical Psychologist Vancouver, Canada

the Youth- some Mental Health Crisis facts and figures • school-aged children suffered an approximate 40% increase in depression, anxiety, irritability and aNenOon problems over the span of the pandemic • during the pandemic, adolescent psych wards were filled, children’s help lines were overwhelmed, and self-reports of anxiety and depression were unprecedented • suicides and cuVng was increasing before the pandemic and conOnued to do so through the pandemic • some studies reported that up to 70% of children experienced harm to their mental health when isolated from their peers (in contrast to about 20% who thrived when sent home from school) • most experts assumed that being socially isolated from peers must be bad for the mental health of children and so prescribed more peer interacOon as the anOdote

making sense of the

Youth Mental Health Crisis

Youth Mental Health Crisis - G. Neufeld

THEORY:

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8, 2023

ARGUMENT for MENTAL HEALTH being ROOTED in ATTACHMENT

• togetherness is our preeminent drive and as such, has the most profound and widespread impact on emoOonal, mental and developmental processes and dynamics • togetherness replaces survival as a drive in evoluOon, as survival becomes a natural outcome of togetherness • the ‘trouble spots’ in our brain have evolved from emoOon extending the reach of insOnct - aNachment being our primary drive

EVIDENCE:

• the most consistent and widesspread ﬁnding is that those embedded in a context of caring aNachments are found to be less at risk for mental health issues and problems

mental health

Attachment NATURE’S TEMPLATE FOR GIVING AND RECEIVING ... ... signals

... care

Attachments are specifically structured for giving & receiving CARE

Youth Mental Health Crisis - G. Neufeld

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8, 2023

PROVIDING CARE

SEEKING CARE

dependent insOncts dependent instincts • for an invitation to exist

alpha instincts

• for contact and connection • for sameness & belonging

• for warmth & love • for recognition • for significance

seeking

• to get one’s bearings

PROVID

ING

• for safety and comfort

• for understanding • for a relational ‘home’ • for a sense of togetherness

We are meant to fit together in hierarchical attachment arrangements of CASCADING CARE

a NATURAL arrangement in harmony with the dynamics of aNachment and the principles of development

as opposed to contrived arrangements based on social roles, gender stereotypes, prevailing assumpOons of equality, or parOcular dynamics between parents and children or between partners of a couple or in friendship

Our objective should be to embed in CASCADING CARE as opposed to pushing for independence or promoOng self-care

mental health

Youth Mental Health Crisis - G. Neufeld

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8, 2023

NEGLECT losing face both me n paren tio ts wo bedti a rking liz ta personal injury pi s failure ho e

ol dis scho ab loneliness ilit y isola tion ATH g DE facin

ar yc a d e ve loss of lo d on

mov ing

STRESs

threats to iden tity

on adopO

sec rets

ling er sib h t o n a ST

DIVORCE

E NT US RETIREME AB

CHANGE

LO ng bei resi d sch enOal ool

of .. lacknging losing face with . can’t NEGLECTED . be w o .. bel ith ... ct by cOon ne reje

n not important to ... tood co n’t feel s a ing c er fe unlo eli not ma nd ved ng Nerin u b y ... t dif g to . fe .. no re

d by ... not recognize

t isola tion g ngin belo n ot

ced repla

by ...

ed nt d i sc threats a loneliness to iden ou n tity o ... ot w ted ecial t n by . n o t sp .. ld on . n’t hoapart . B . a E c T Y R B AYED n O e T h w ON HELD NOT LIKED BY ... NOT

closure separa$on-triggered

PURSUIT

ALARM

FRUSTRATION

cau$on

change

Youth Mental Health Crisis - G. Neufeld

Stress Response

PRIMAL SEPARATION EMOTIONS ARE ACTIVATED FEELINGS that would interfere with performing or funcOoning in stressful circumstances are inhibited

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8, 2023

Resilience Response Feelings that have been inhibited bounce back to enable opOmal funcOoning and the realizaOon of full potenOal

the return of feelings requires a sense of SAFETY that is best provided by SAFE RELATIONSHIPS and EMOTIONAL PLAYGROUNDS

TIME (ideally the end of the day or end of the week at most)

Stress Response

s Resilience Response lem b ro hp

G N I L

lt aFeelings he have been lthat ainhibited t bounce n PRIMAL SEPARATION meback to enable opOmal g n EMOTIONS ARE funcOoning and the i rly realizaOon of full potenOal ACTIVATED de

un on FEELINGS that wouldiLinterfere nd or with performing co funcOoning al in stressful n circumstances Lo moare inhibited e e or ec h T

M EE

N TIO

TL U B

FE S ES

the return of feelings requires a sense of SAFETY that is best provided by SAFE RELATIONSHIPS and EMOTIONAL PLAYGROUNDS

R MO TIME (ideally the end of the day or end of the week at most)

mental health

Youth Mental Health Crisis - G. Neufeld

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8, 2023

EMOTION IS AT THE HEART OF THE MATTER • emoOon is in charge of managing the brain, including development, prioriOes, aNenOon, and memory • the stress response is emoOonal in nature • emoOonal processes precede and undergird mental processes – in evoluOon, in development, and in everyday funcOoning

• most problems in learning, aNenOon, and maturaOon are rooted in emoOon

EMOTION NEEDS TO MATTER TO US

• adaptaOon (including healing & recovery) is an emoOonal process • mental processes are primarily derivaOves of emoOon, rather than the other way around

• almost all troubled thinking and • emoOons need to be resolved to behaviour (including diagnoses) reduce symptoms as well as to are found to have roots in emoOon eﬀect deep and lasOng change

EMOTION IS STILL & EMATTER IS AT ISCOUNTED CLIPSED EMOTION HEART THE D OF THE W D& ON • SmostOproblems ISREA ED of managing • emoOon TILL MEN & in learning, EAS ILL Mis inPRcharge ET development, STbrain, C IL BLA and TO R the including R aNenOon, E R T MED HmaturaOon DRE IO TOare MISIN aNenOon,INand N prioriOes, FER memory F R emoOon O Erooted MO Oin RED TION BEING E D I S AL N O • theILstress L C response is • adaptaOon (including ST emoOonalDIC MB EMOTION an ATIONS NUEMOTION WITH is healing &ED recovery) MOST ME process M FRO T ERN C an emoOonal process ’ N WITH LITTLE PROTES O NEEDS TOMORE C ING DOWN M • emoOonal processes SO-CALLED EXPERTS OO LM R A G ‘C MATTER IN precede and undergird UP’ are •Nmental MAK processes MOR E CO–NC mental processes in ERNED WTO IRRED THAprimarily ITH US MAN E ‘ST derivaOves of B ING EMOTIO O evoluOon, inAG development, T emoOon, rather than the NS THAN UNDERS and in everyday funcOoning TANDING TH wayBY around STILL other ECLIPSED EM THEIR EFFECTS ON • almost all troubled thinking COGNITION & to be resolved to S STILL • emoOons need SEand IAGNO MOTION reduce symptoms behaviour E(including as well as to BEHAVIOUR E DICAL D diagnoses) F O M E L are found to Ehave RO in emoOon eﬀect deep and lasOng change THEroots ECLIPS

KEY INSIGHTS REGARDING E M O T I O N • there is PURPOSE to emoOon it is Nature’s way of moving us and taking care of us • each emoOon has specific WORK to do (ie, emoOons are Nature’s workforce) • emoOons need sufficient REST in order to do be effecOve in their work • emoOons seek RELIEF through expression but this will be thwarted if working aNachments are threatened

• emoOons need to be RESOLVED in some way or another or they will get stuck • the emoOonal system needs to DEVELOP for opOmal funcOoning but can only do so if condiOons are conducive • the emoOonal system begins in the ‘EITHER OR’ mode and is meant to mature into ‘THIS AND’ funcOoning where inner conﬂict is felt • emoOons need to be FELT for opOmal funcOoning and for children to ﬂourish

Youth Mental Health Crisis - G. Neufeld

Stress Response

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8, 2023

s Resilience Response lem b ro hp

IN EL

lt aFeelings he have been lthat

SF S E

tainhibited bounce

n eback PRIMAL SEPARATION to enable opOmal g m funcOoning and the n EMOTIONS ARE i y l r realizaOon of full potenOal ACTIVATED de n nu

o FEELINGS that wouldiLinterfere d with performing on or c l in stressful funcOoning na circumstances Lo o m are inhibited

e or ec h T

M EE

N TIO

TL U B

the return of feelings requires a sense of SAFETY that is best provided by SAFE RELATIONSHIPS and EMOTIONAL PLAYGROUNDS

R O M TIME (ideally the end of the day or end of the week at most)

The Continuum of ALARM Problems alarm is dysfunc;onal

alarm is perverted

ANXIETY problems (obsessions & compulsions)

AGITATION, ATTENTION, & DISCIPLINE problems

ADRENALIN SEEKING problems

feel unsafe but alarm not linked to the separa$on faced

driven by alarm that is not felt

devoid of feelings of alarm, fu$lity & vulnerability

alarm is displaced

including cuUng & burning ••• • •

• • HIGHLY ALARMED

•• •• •

The Continuum of Aggression Problems

EXISTENCE of attacking impulses

ERUPTIONS of attacking energy

not feeling the fu$lity of changing the frustra$ng circumstances including suicidal impulses ••• • •

VIOLATING aggression problems

devoid of feelings of alarm, fu$lity & vulnerability

• • HIGHLY FRUSTRATED • • • •

••

Youth Mental Health Crisis - G. Neufeld

Resilience Response

Stress Response

Feelings that have been inhibited bounce back to enable opOmal funcOoning and the realizaOon of full potenOal

PRIMAL SEPARATION EMOTIONS ARE ACTIVATED FEELINGS that would interfere with performing or funcOoning in stressful circumstances are inhibited

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8, 2023

the return of feelings requires a sense of SAFETY that is best provided by SAFE RELATIONSHIPS and EMOTIONAL PLAYGROUNDS

TIME (ideally the end of the day or end of the week at most)

ADULT

- wounding by others - not being held on to - losses and lacks - peer or sibling rejection

• not only serves as a SHIELD against external wounding but also as a SAFE SANCTUARY for feeling • this SAFETY is not a funcLon of reality but a funcLonal ILLUSION created by an a.achment characterized by trusLng dependence

CHILD

- shaming or put-downs - not feeling liked, wanted or valued - feeling too much to handle

ADULT

- wounding by others - not being held on to

we must HAVE their hearts before we can protect their hearts

- losses and lacks - peer or sibling rejection

CHILD

- shaming or put-downs - not feeling liked, wanted or valued - feeling too much to handle

Youth Mental Health Crisis - G. Neufeld

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8, 2023

mental health

T EN h)? M t l CH e a TA al h T A nt ED me R E s RD thu PEER ORIENTATION O d IS n f D g (a ALPHA COMPLEX o n c t bei a DEPERSONALIZATION p im well e l th na t iso$o a h W em on

Attachment PEER ORIENTATION

Children taking their cues from each other as to how to act, what to do, how to talk, what to wear, how to express oneself, what is valued, what is expected, what is right and what is wrong

The compeLng nature of most peer a.achments today (ie, can’t be close to both peers and adults simultaneously) pulls children out of orbit from around the adults responsible for them.

THE PROBLEMS WITH PEER ORIENTATION • does NOT serve survival as children were not meant to take care of each other • destroys the natural context for raising & educaOng children • robs adults of the power they need to parent, teach and treat • the more peers maNer, the more separaOon to be faced, resulOng in escalaOng emoLonal distress • robs children of the shielding and protecOon they need to live in an wounding world

• breeds ALPHA children, with all the problems that ensue • fuels a preoccupaOon with digital devices and social media, which further compete with family • is not conducive to feeling, as the vulnerability is too much to bear • can result in chaoOc polarizaOon & tribalizaLon which in turn can create a ‘lord of the ﬂies’ scenario

Youth Mental Health Crisis - G. Neufeld

positive polarity seeks to be with makes contact endears looks up to a.ends & listens to imitates & emulates possesses is loyal to holds dear a.empts to ﬁnd favour makes things work for seeks to ma.er to seeks to please befriends loves shares secrets with or keeps the secrets of

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8, 2023

negative polarity shies away from resists contact alienates looks down upon ignores & disregards mocks & mimics disowns opposes & betrays holds in contempt ridicules and derides spoils things for discounts as not ma.ering annoys and irritates eschews loathes keeps secrets from or creates secrets about

children are not meant to take care of each other

The PEER-ORIENTED ...

society is not structured to facilitate peer togetherness

suﬀer more separaLon ... elevaLng the separaLon-triggered emoLons of alarm, frustraLon and pursuit ...

increasing tribalizaOon renders peer interacOon unsafe

while losing the very feelings that would lead to their resoluLon.

IMPACT OF PEER ORIENTATION

CUT OFF from the care of parents and other caring adults

NOT SHIELDED by aNachments with caring adults

highly DEFENDED against the uncaring ways of peers

lacking SAFE SPACES for vulnerable feelings to return

Youth Mental Health Crisis - G. Neufeld

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8, 2023

INSIDIOUS IMPACT OF PEER ORIENTATION fragmented tribalization & polarization

fragmented and depersonalized pursuit creates contrived hierarchies that do not deliver care

insatiable attachment pursuit via digital devices and social media

increased alarm-based problems & vulnerability to wounding

elevated attachment frustration resulting in increased aggression including suicide

INSIDIOUS IMPACT OF PEER ORIENTATION fragmented tribalization & polarization

fragmented and depersonalized pursuit creates contrived hierarchies that do not deliver care

insatiable attachment pursuit via digital devices and social media

increased alarm-based problems & vulnerability to wounding

elevated attachment frustration resulting in increased aggression including suicide

Three Common ATtachment Disorders ... and how they impact received care and recovered feelings

1. PEER ORIENTATION 2. ALPHA COMPLEX 3. DEPERSONALIZED ATTACHMENT

Youth Mental Health Crisis - G. Neufeld

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8, 2023

Common manifestations of the DISPLACEMENT instinct • to take charge, to take over, to take the lead • to command aNenOon, to take centre stage • to talk louder, to talk over, to talk for another • to be ﬁrst, to be the best, to be on the top • to demand deference, to give the orders, to take command • to give the direcOons, to provide the meanings • to trump interacOon, to have the last word • to be in the know / to be the most knowledgeable

Common manifestations of the DISPLACEMENT instinct ize

m ter he ac for t r • to take charge, to take over, to take the lead ha e c ar tes o c • to command aNenOon, to take centre stage ibu wh r J ts e aadul esfor • to talk louder, to talk over, to talk h t ith another en s w h ip on the top • to be ﬁrst, to be the best, d wtoshbe me $on r o s f elato give the orders, to take command • to demand deference, ha eir r x h e t pl direcOons, • to give m the to provide the meanings or co lity a a h n p •alto trump rso interacOon, to have the last word an ir pe e th • to be in the know / to be the most knowledgeable

IMPACT OF AN ALPHA COMPLEX

- lack of dependence renders them unable to receive the care that may be there for them

their lack of dependence also renders them unable to experience aNachment as a safe sanctuary for feeling

Alpha children are highly alarmed and frustrated, without ever being able to feel the fuOlity of not being able to control their world

Youth Mental Health Crisis - G. Neufeld

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8, 2023

ALPHA CHILDREN ARE MORE PRONE TO ... ALARM-BASED PROBLEMS LEARNING PROBLEMS - anxiety, agitaOon, - literacy problems, & adrenalin seeking dysfuncOon due to The alpha problem has learning disabiliOes, (cannot make oneself feel safe) been totally ECLIPSED by diﬃculOes with seeking assistance misinterpreOng alpha as ATTENTION ISSUES ‘independence’, by our - cannot command COMPLIANCE their aNenOon / aversion to the construct of ISSUES elevated alarm - resistance & ‘hierarchy’, by our lack of scaNers aNenOon / opposiOonality must be the centre understanding of the nature of aNenOon & purpose of aNachment, ENTITLEMENT ISSUES and by the lack of any FRUSTRATION ISSUES - self-evident to supporOng language – - aggression, violence them that they are and self-aNack rendering the symptoms most important including suicide unexplained and resul$ng PEER ISSUES in a fu$le baJle against them - conﬂict, bullying, EATING ISSUES dominance, and - anorexia & food supremacy issues issues of all kinds

How FEELINGS develop the Alpha Caring Response

Ca rin

“neurons that FIRE together WIRE together”

nsi eR spo

bi l i ty

when devoid of feelings of caring and responsibility as well as mixed feelings, alpha can evolve into alpha perversions including bullying

the making of the bully response

highly moved to displace

Lacking feelings of caring & responsibility

the BULLY response to perceived vulnerability, neediness, threat or weakness

- to assert dominance by exploiting vulnerability -

Renders today’s children increasingly UNSAFE and highly ALARMED, whether peer-oriented or not

Youth Mental Health Crisis - G. Neufeld

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8, 2023

PEER ORIENTATION, the ALPHA COMPLEX and MENTAL HEALTH

- the perfect storm peer orientaOon creates CONTRIVED hierarchies devoid of care and safety

DEPENDENT peer-oriented children, having lost their adult shields, suﬀer signiﬁcant WOUNDING at the hands of their peers

increasing numbers of ALPHA peer-oriented kids who are devoid of taming feelings, evolve into BULLIES who make life unsafe for EVERYONE

the lack of received care and recovered feelings results in escalaOng and pervasive MENTAL HEALTH PROBLEMS

Three Common ATtachment Disorders ... and how they impact received care and recovered feelings

1. PEER ORIENTATION 2. ALPHA COMPLEX 3. DEPERSONALIZED ATTACHMENT

The DepersonalizaLon & FragmentaLon of Pursuit the DEPERSONALIZATION of attachment the PURSUIT of PROXIMITY with a PERSON ATTRACTING

the

ATTENTION

WINNING

the

APPROVAL

MEASURING UP

to be

VALUED

DEMANDING

to be

SPECIAL

IMPRESSING

to be

ESTEEMED

HELPING

to be

IMPORTANT

BEING NICE

to be

LIKED

BEING CHARMING

to be

LOVED

SEEKING STATUS

to be

RECOGNIZED

Sarah Matthew Genevieve Rorie Scott Ms.Kerr Kendall Sherry Uncle Jack

Youth Mental Health Crisis - G. Neufeld

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8, 2023

The DepersonalizaLon & FragmentaLon of Pursuit the DEPERSONALIZATION of attachment Depersonalized aNachment the PURSUIT of PROXIMITY with a PERSON Sarah is not able to deliver care Matthew ATTRACTING the ATTENTION of nor serve to recover feelings and so, like peeroforientaOon WINNING the APPROVAL Genevieve and an alpha complex, MEASURING UP to be VALUED by Rorie is dysfuncOonal and disordered.

Scott Ms.Kerr

DEMANDING

to be

SPECIAL

IMPRESSING

to be

ESTEEMED by Not only is depersonalized

HELPING

to be

BEING NICE

to be

BEING CHARMING SEEKING STATUS

aNachment fundamentally disordered, IMPORTANT to but it competes with exisOng Kendall and LIKED by potenOal aNachments that could Sherry to be LOVEDdeliver care by as well as actually safe sanctuary Uncle Jack to be provide RECOGNIZED by for feelings

mental health

CASCADING CARE vs ROLE-based, including expertbased care vs SELF-care

SAFE SANCTUARY - trus$ng dependence - end-ofday rituals

Right Relationships & Emotional Playgrounds

Youth Mental Health Crisis - G. Neufeld

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8, 2023

Allowing the popular construct of ‘mental health’, thrice removed from a working reality - a euphemised spin on mental illness which is itself an instrumental analogy vs evidence-based reality, and an indirect ‘fruit’ versus useful point of intervenOon to thus ECLIPSE its developmental ROOTS in ATTACHMENT and EMOTION

MISDIRECTING and thus EXHAUSTING our valuable resources and energy with regards to the emoOonal well-being of our beloved children and youth.

Diagnosing syndromes and vs Cutivating the Conditions Battling against Symptoms for Emotional Well-Being - crusades against bullying, meanness, discriminaOon, violence, RIGHT RELATIONSHIPS insensiOvity, injusOce, intolerance WITH CARING ADULTS - prosocial programs aimed at ... that can deliver CARE and children being nice and kind provide safe sanctuary for FEELING - discipline approaches aimed at teaching a lesson, socializaLon approaches aimed at declaring PLAYGROUNDS for hurnul interacOon unacceptable, EMOTION and legal approaches punishing the violators ... so that emo;on can ﬁnd REST, - skill-based programs aNempOng working aHachments can be PROTECTED, vulnerable feelings to teach empathy, self-control, can be RECOVERED, and the emoOonal literacy, graOtude, etc CARE that has been delivered via - mental health advocacy and safe aHachments to caring literacy programs as well as selfadults can be FELT care programs

- A NEUFELD INSTITUTE & JACK HIROSE CONFERENCE -

EMOTIONAL HEALTH & WELL-BEING TOWARDS FLOURISHING CHILDREN & YOUTH

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 6 - WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 8, 2023 Hilton Garden Inn Saskatoon Downtown 90 22 St E, Saskatoon, SK S7K 3X6

TAMARA STRIJACK, M.A.

WORKSHOP #10 Towards Flourishing in Adolescence: Special Challenges in Helping Teens Navigate Their Emotional World Day Three | 8:30am - 11:45am

208-197 Forester Street North Vancouver, BC, Canada V7H 0A6 t 604 924 0296

f 604 924 0239

t f 1 800 456 5424

DAY 3

e registration@jackhirose.com

Flourishing in Adolescence - T. Strijack

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8,2023

Tamara Strijack

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference - November 2023

idealism separateness

intensity

blinders

black & white thinking

awareness distracted

stirred up

untempered confusion

emotion vulnerable

resistance alarm

defensive armour frustration

tuned in and tuned out restricted in expression

temptation pursuit

Flourishing in Adolescence - T. Strijack

your thoughts gs lin fee You ur o y your dream s you r id eas

vide oga mes music but anything silence ple noi se eo rp he t o

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8,2023

void opens up meant to be filled with own thoughts and feelings

but it is tempting to fill the void with other things

“... now I just sit in silence” – Tweny One Pilots, Car Radio

Flourishing in Adolescence - T. Strijack

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8,2023

more room for voids holding someone in the uncomfortableness adding in experiential activities that draw something from the inside out

frustration alarm pursuit

suicidal ideation depression

Flourishing in Adolescence - T. Strijack

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8,2023

how our brain protects us numb out ... feelings that are too much

tune out ... from seeing things that would be too hard to see

back out … of relationships where you might get hurt

Flourishing in Adolescence - T. Strijack

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8,2023

defense is meant to ebb & flow but can also get

loss of feelings can lead to a general lack of caring or a disregard for the feelings of others a fortress keeps everything out … …

(

)

more shielding more softening to help bring the feelings back

(

)

more shielding from that which would be too much creating safety through our connection free from wounding within the relationship

Flourishing in Adolescence - T. Strijack

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8,2023

more indirect ways to access feelings that are too vulnerable to look at directly one step removed approaches so it feels safer exploring emotional playgrounds

more room for ALL the parts making space for all the different parts of oneself — thoughts, feelings, emotions, identity —

more room for exploration Who am I??

Flourishing in Adolescence - T. Strijack

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8,2023

more room for sadness

the ultimate resolution to working emotion the birth of resilience

counterwill

can be for healthy reasons but can also get to the ideas or agendas of others to following anyone they are not attached to

where they become & by default

more connection

less coercion

more room for own ideas

Flourishing in Adolescence - T. Strijack

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8,2023

seeking connection the drive to keep close attachment hunger the challenge of depersonalized pursuit

more connection with the caring adults in their lives

Flourishing in Adolescence - T. Strijack

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8,2023

ultimately, what is needed is …

emotional safety

connection matchmaking mentorship

more room coming alongside

emotional playgrounds

more connection preventative

restorative

creating a foundation of trust, so when things get hard, they are more likely to come to you

finding a way in

bridging - helping them to hold on when apart

honouring existing attachments not pulling out of orbit with caregivers, but helping bridge back

Flourishing in Adolescence - T. Strijack

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8,2023

more matchmaking preventative

restorative

in early adolescence, intentionally matchmaking with others who can support them

looking for someone who has an opening in the adolescent’s life - even a crack

expanding the village

matchmaking and setting the scene, but more indirectly

more mentorship reading what’s needed planting seeds and sparking interest collecting stories and sharing stories expanding the village by finding others who can hold this space resourcing family, the community and beyond

Flourishing in Adolescence - T. Strijack

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8,2023

coming alongside normalizing the feelings drawing out versus putting in consultant & coach patience, patience, patience

emotional playgrounds matchmaking to modes of expression that engage their emotions

Flourishing in Adolescence - T. Strijack

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 6-8,2023

more room for our own alarm for our own frustrations for our own disappointments

for more ... reclaimingourstudents.com/

the Inside Out Ac-vity Guide is available free with the book Reclaiming our Students

for related courses – go to neufeldins9tute.org

ideacentreforeducators.org

- A NEUFELD INSTITUTE & JACK HIROSE CONFERENCE -

EMOTIONAL HEALTH & WELL-BEING TOWARDS FLOURISHING CHILDREN & YOUTH

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 6 - WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 8, 2023 Hilton Garden Inn Saskatoon Downtown 90 22 St E, Saskatoon, SK S7K 3X6

EVA DE GOSZTONYI, M.A.

WORKSHOP #11 Managing Behaviour Without Rewards Day Three | 12:45pm - 4:00pm

208-197 Forester Street North Vancouver, BC, Canada V7H 0A6 t 604 924 0296

f 604 924 0239

t f 1 800 456 5424

DAY 3

e registration@jackhirose.com

Managing Behaviour without Rewards - Eva de Gosztonyi

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 8, 2023

MANAGING BEHAVIOUR WITHOUT REWARDS Eva de Gosztonyi, psychologist Faculty, NEUFELD INSTITUTE edegosztonyi@gmail.com www.degosztonyi.org 1

WHY ARE REWARD SYSTEMS SO POPULAR? • “Common” practice – everyone uses them – they’ve always been used • Go-To practice when there are behavioural challenges • Claim is that they are evidence-based • Can make a difference in behaviour especially with a challenging group – in the short term • Belief that they create optimal learning conditions ? REALLY • Seem to be fun 2 • Thought to be harmless

LOOKING AT REWARDS FROM DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVES

Developmental - neuroscientific Learning Social Emotional abilities Relationship/Attachment Emotion 3

Managing Behaviour without Rewards - Eva de Gosztonyi

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 8, 2023

REWARD SYSTEMS • Behaviour Charts • Star Charts – group • Star Charts – individual • Tracking sheets • End of day evaluation in Agenda • Digital Behaviour systems 4

ARE REWARD SYSTEMS EVIDENCE-BASED? In the short term – the evidence shows that external behaviour does improve when incentives are given. Most studies do not follow students over time. Experience often shows that: • Behaviour does not generalize to non-reward situations. • Rewards have to be changed and increased to maintain behaviour. • Students begin to expect rewards for standard behaviour. • These systems are time-consuming to manage

ARE REWARD SYSTEMS EVIDENCE-BASED? Alfie Kohn: Punished by Rewards (1993) Alfie Kohn’s conclusion: No controlled study has ever found a long-term improvement in the quality of work as a result of any kind of incentive plan. And yet those plans are as popular as ever.

Managing Behaviour without Rewards - Eva de Gosztonyi

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 8, 2023

DO REWARD SYSTEMS REALLY CHANGE BEHAVIOUR?

ADHD

Kohn (1993) • Several experiments have found that dangling goodies in front of children to deal with distractibility or hyperactivity in particular also doesn’t make much sense. Firestone and Douglas (1975) • Rewards given to hyperactive children made them respond more impulsively. Douglas and Parry (1983) • Any beneficial effects of rewards (on reaction times) disappeared as soon as the rewards stopped coming, and sometimes they had the consequence of undermining performance from the beginning. 7

DO REWARD SYSTEMS REALLY CHANGE BEHAVIOUR?

ADHD Douglas and Parry (1994) The effects of reward schedule (100%, 50%, and 30%) and termination of rewards (extinction) on 30 attention deficit disorder with hyperactivity (ADD-H) and 30 normal children were studied using measures of frustration (speed/strength of lever pulling) and attention (reaction time to a light signal). ADD-Hs pulled harder on the lever than controls during extinction and on the lowest (30%) partial schedule, providing empirical evidence that they respond with greater frustration than normals when expected rewards fail to appear. 8

DO REWARD SYSTEMS REALLY IMPROVE LEARNING? Richard Curwin (2012): • Bribes (rewards) tend to produce "finishers" rather than "learners. Kohn (1993) • Students who are encouraged to think about grades, stickers, or other “goodies” become less inclined to explore ideas, think creatively, and take chances. • At least ten studies have shown that people offered a reward generally choose the easiest possible task. • In the absence of rewards, by contrast, children are inclined to pick tasks that are just beyond their current level of ability. • When rewards are used activity increases while the quality of work decreases. 9

Managing Behaviour without Rewards - Eva de Gosztonyi

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 8, 2023

HOW DO REWARD SYSTEMS AFFECT BEHAVIOUR? Kohn (1993) • People actually do inferior work when they are enticed with money, grades, or other incentives. • Programs that use rewards to change people’s behavior are similarly ineffective over the long run. • Promising goodies to children for good behavior can never produce anything more than temporary obedience. • In fact, the more we use artificial inducements to motivate people, the more they lose interest in what we’re bribing them to do. Lepper (1973): Felt marker study: Children rewarded for using markers did not use them when there was no longer a reward. 10

ARE REWARD SYSTEMS HARMLESS? Birch, Marlin and Rotter (1984) • young children were introduced to an unfamiliar beverage called kefir. • some were just asked to drink it • others were praised lavishly for doing so • a third group was promised treats if they drank enough Those children who received either verbal or tangible rewards consumed more of the beverage than other children, as one might predict. But a week later these children found it significantly less appealing than they did before, whereas children who were offered no rewards liked it just as much as, if not more than, they had earlier. 11

ARE REWARD SYSTEMS HARMLESS? Deichmann and Baer (2022) • Recognizing first-time producers of successful novel ideas with an award or recognition can significantly decrease the likelihood that they will produce future creative work. • "In our study, we found that people who develop novel ideas and receive rewards for them start to see themselves primarily as a 'creative person,’” • "This newfound identity, which is special and rare, is then in need of protection. • Essentially, once a person is in the creative limelight, stepping out of it -- by producing a novel idea that disappoints or pales in comparison to earlier work -- is threatening and to be avoided. • In other words, fear of failure the second time around can cause producers to avoid taking risks that would threaten their creative identity.

Managing Behaviour without Rewards - Eva de Gosztonyi

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 8, 2023

ARE REWARD SYSTEMS HARMLESS? Warneken and Tomasello (2014) Extrinsic Rewards Undermine Altruistic Tendencies in 20-Month-Olds • investigated the influence of rewards on very young children’s helping behavior. • after 20-month-old infants received a material reward during a treatment phase, they subsequently were less likely to engage in further helping during a test phase as compared with infants who had previously received social praise or no reward at all. • This so-called over-justification effect suggests that even the earliest helping behaviors of young children are intrinsically motivated and that socialization practices involving extrinsic rewards can undermine this tendency. Kohn: When we reward a naturally occurring kind behaviour we make it into a selfish behaviour.

DO REWARD SYSTEMS ACTUALLY CHANGE BEHAVIOUR? THINKING DEVELOPMENTALLY – USING NEUROSCIENCE

Alfie Kohn (1993) • Rewards are not actually solutions at all; they are gimmicks, quick fixes that mask problems and ignore reasons. They never look below the surface. (p. 60) Gordon Neufeld: • The neuroscience now informs us that most troubled behaviour is actually driven and is deeply rooted in impulse and emotion. • Panksepp, Damasio and others 14

the LIMBIC SYSTEM (EMOTIONAL BRAIN)

Its job is to ensure our SURVIVAL

Registers a threat “smoke detector”

Activates the response – Sympathetic Nervous System

Remembers what threatens us MEMORY

Managing Behaviour without Rewards - Eva de Gosztonyi

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 8, 2023

DO REWARD SYSTEMS ACTUALLY CHANGE BEHAVIOUR? THINKING DEVELOPMENTALLY – USING NEUROSCIENCE

What tempers impulse and emotion is a well-developed and functioning Prefrontal Cortex and a robust Corpus Callosum and well-developed Right-Brain Hemisphere • Geidd (2008): Brain imaging tells us that it takes 25 years to develop a human brain that is capable of mature behaviour. o The brain grows from within – Prefrontal Cortex, Cerebellum, Corpus Callosum, Right hemisphere, Left hemisphere. • McGilchrist (2009): The Right hemisphere needs experiences to develop. 16

EXECUTIVE FUNCTIONS Capable of considering conflicting information or emotions on the one hand

on the other hand

my needs

the needs of others

emotions

reason

SOCIAL SKILLS PROBLEM SOLVING IMPULSE CONTROL EMOTIONAL REGULATION TIME MANAGEMENT

EXECUTIVE FUNCTIONS depend on the development of pre-frontal cortex, brain hemispheres and the corpus callosum The PRE-FRONTAL CORTEX • does not begin to engage until the age of 5 • takes until the mid to late twenties to stabilize • Development slowed by early trauma and/or hypersensitivity BRAIN HEMISPHERES • serve different functions • the right hemisphere (RH) develops throughout early childhood • RH is the “master brain” The CORPUS CALLOSUM • connects the two hemispheres • growth spurt between 3 and 6 years • is slowed in development by early trauma 18

Managing Behaviour without Rewards - Eva de Gosztonyi

LEFT HEMISPHERE

• detail-oriented • decontextualizes • finds facts • wants THE RULE • looks for THE ANSWER

NEO-CORTEX

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 8, 2023

RIGHT HEMISPHERE

• whole-oriented • contextualizes • makes vivid and concrete, • takes in the whole picture

RIGHT HEMISPHERE IS IN RAPID DEVELOPMENT DURING THE PRESCHOOL YEARS RIGHT HEMISPHERE REQUIRES EXPERIENCES NOT INFORMATION TO DEVELOP HENCE THE IMPORTANCE OF PLAY The Master and his Emissary: The Divided Brain

Iain McGilchrist

The IMMATURE struggle with: 1. Seeing the “WHOLE” picture due to an immature Corpus Callosum and developing Right Hemisphere 2. Finding information efficiently and quickly due to a developing Cerebellum 3. Applying what they know in all circumstances, especially when emotions are high due to an immature Pre-frontal Cortex

Behaviour changes as the brain matures How is it possible that a sticker or a reward would actually grow a brain so that behaviour could change?

WHY DO REWARD SYSTEMS WORK?

Thinking about Attachment • Attachment is our preeminent need • Humans are naturally attuned to what can increase or maintain attachment – Emotion = Pursuit • A reward system makes it very clear which behaviours will make an adult “happy”. • Now, attachment becomes conditional – – for the teacher or my parents to be “happy with me” – want me in their presence, I must be “good”.

A child said to his mother, “Mommy, I could have gotten 45 points today, but I only got 35 points. CAN YOU STILL LOVE ME?”

Managing Behaviour without Rewards - Eva de Gosztonyi

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 8, 2023

WHOSE BEHAVIOUR IS REALLY CHANGED?

Teacher correcting a Teacher giving a star behaviour Which person would I prefer to listen to?

Remember: Attachment instincts are engaged when we collect children’s eyes, a nod and a smile. A reward system makes adults smile.

WHAT IS THE EMOTIONAL FALLOUT OF A BEHAVIOUR SYSTEM? Humans are creatures of emotion. Emotions move us. Behaviour is an expression of what is happening emotionally. When we work at controlling the symptoms (the behaviour), true change cannot happen. In fact, things can get worse. Emotions seek expression. o a student who is “good” in class to get a reward will often erupt with emotion once outside of class. o or if the school is lucky, will save the eruption for home. 24

Managing Behaviour without Rewards - Eva de Gosztonyi

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 8, 2023

THREE PRIMARY EMOTIONS EXPERIENCED IN THE FACE OF SEPARATION MOVED TO RESTORE PROXIMITY

PURSUIT FACING SEPARATION

ALARM

FRUSTRATION

MOVED TO CAUTION AND TO AVOID THAT WHICH ALARMS

MOVED TO EFFECT CHANGE AND TO FIX THE PROBLEM 25 G. Neufeld, PhD.

THREE PRIMARY EMOTIONS EXPERIENCED IN THE FACE OF SEPARATION THESE EMOTIONS ARE INTENSE AND USUALLY FELT ONE AT A TIME ALARM

PURSUIT

THESE EMOTIONS CAN DISPLACE ONE ANOTHER, BUT THEY STILL ARE THERE.

FRUSTRATION

THEY WILL BE EXPRESSED, BUT AT ANOTHER TIME AND PLACE G. Neufeld, PhD.

Managing Behaviour without Rewards - Eva de Gosztonyi

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 8, 2023

WHAT IS THE EMOTIONAL FALLOUT OF A BEHAVIOUR SYSTEM?

Managing Behaviour without Rewards - Eva de Gosztonyi

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 8, 2023

WHAT IS THE EMOTIONAL FALLOUT OF A BEHAVIOUR SYSTEM?

USING A DIGITAL BEHAVIOUR MANAGEMENT SYSTEM What does it really do? i. Increases separation - the child anticipates the DISAPPOINTMENT of the parent if they didn’t EARN “enough” points or if they get a “bad” point. This leads to increased anxiety ii. Focus is on acting to get noticed - the child is now very aware of what behaviour is expected, and wishing to be “acknowledged”, will put a lot of effort into acting in a way that will get noticed by the teacher. iii. Energy diverts from learning to behaving as if – when children focus energy on acting appropriately to earn points, they will have less energy to engage in real learning. They may look more engaged in the task assigned, but can their brains fully engage in the learning process? Humans do not 32 multi-task very well.

USING A DIGITAL BEHAVIOUR MANAGEMENT SYSTEM

iv. Increases a sense of shame - what if: • a child is having a bad day (they are tired, feeling sick, were just rejected by a friend)? • a child is immature and over-reactive and finds the behavioural demands of a full day in school overwhelming? • a child is trying very hard, and the teacher doesn’t notice? • a child consistently receives fewer points than her classmates? How does not receiving points make these children feel? v. Adult energy is on monitoring behaviour - when a teacher or aide is occupied with trying to monitor and measure behaviour, then they cannot be attending to the other needs of their students. Is there not a better use of their time? 33

Managing Behaviour without Rewards - Eva de Gosztonyi

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 8, 2023

USING A DIGITAL BEHAVIOUR MANAGEMENT SYSTEM

vi. Parental “judgement” is engaged before they see their child. If the parents receive the “results” before seeing their child – they can start to question their child’s performance. This affects their ability to welcome their child into their presence at the end of a long separation. vii. Behaviour to be accepted is quantified - instead of a “happy face” that summarizes the day, Mommy and Daddy can know exactly how many times the child behaved. “I only got 35 points. CAN YOU STILL LOVE ME?” viii. Anxiety increases - “Good” children can become alarmed – fearful of not getting enough points leading to Sunday night meltdowns. ix. Student-teacher relationships deteriorate -the adults at school are not seen as “safe” because they are the ones reporting the behavior to the parents. 34

USING A DIGITAL BEHAVIOUR MANAGEMENT SYSTEM

x. Parent – school relationships deteriorate - AND – what happens when a parent is “dinged” with a notice of a negative behaviour at 10 am? • There is no context to explain the negative behaviour. • The parent is anxious all day about what happened. • The child is awaiting the parent’s disappointment and displeasure. • The child may feel betrayed and unjustly treated. • Emotions of Frustration and Alarm increase • Emotional meltdowns can happen. • The parent tries desperately to fix the behaviour by disapproval and increasing consequences • Or the parent gets very upset with school staff. Are these systems contributing to the rise in anxiety or meltdowns of our children? 35

USING A DIGITAL BEHAVIOUR MANAGEMENT SYSTEM

xi. Other concerns: •

The creation of digital behaviour profiles on students could have a long-lasting impact. Old fashioned points systems such as star charts were temporary, had a short life, and weren’t terribly effective. ClassDojo collects and retains all recorded data on students.

•

Concerns have been raised over who owns this behaviour data and how it might be used in the future. There is potential for behavioural data profiles to follow students through school. It’s too early to tell how they might be used in the future and what problems this might present. 36

Managing Behaviour without Rewards - Eva de Gosztonyi

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 8, 2023

CONCLUSIONS Reward systems are NOT innocuous or harmless. They have been shown to: • Make attachment conditional • Affect the attachment relationship with parents • Cause feelings of shame and even hopelessness • Increase alarm and anxiety even among the “good children” • Discourage and decrease natural developmental tendencies such as: ü the desire to be good for one’s teacher ü caring for others ü trying new things – creativity and risk ü joy of learning WHY ARE WE STILL USING THEM?

Interventions 1. Maximize Attachment 2. Compensate for the effects of Immaturity 3. Build a Village of Attachment 4. Minimize the effects of Peers 5. Allow for Emotional Expression 6. Encourage Play Work with behavior at its root for lasting change. 38

ATTACHMENT

Every day our children wonder: Who is taking care of me? How can we help children stay attached to the adults who are there to care for them?

• a warm invitation

• a soft enough • safe enough from disruption heart 39

Managing Behaviour without Rewards - Eva de Gosztonyi

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 8, 2023

Attachment What attachment does … Arranges hierarchically

enables adults to… Take charge of them, take care of them Provide comfort, rest and a place of retreat

Creates a sense of home Creates a compass point

guide & direct them and transmit our culture 40

SEEKING

PROVIDING

dependent instincts instincts to depend

instincts to guide (ALPHA instincts)

to orient and inform

to seek assistance

to protect & defend

to belong to follow

seeking

to look up to

ING PROVID

to get one’s bearings

to guide and direct to look out for to possess

RIGHT RELATIONSHIP to lead and guide

to look for guidance 41

Greeting students at the Door • significant improvements in academic engaged time and reductions in disruptive behavior. • allows the teacher to get a sense of where the student is at when he/she enters the classroom

Managing Behaviour without Rewards - Eva de Gosztonyi

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 8, 2023

MAXIMIZE ATTACHMENT ENGAGE THE ATTACHMENT INSTINCTS BEFORE TRYING TO GET THE CHILD TO LISTEN OR TO BEHAVE

COLLECT BEFORE YOU DIRECT space - eyes - a smile - a nod How can I get the child to look at me and smile? • Say name gently • Have a smile ready in your eyes DOES THIS CHILD GIVE ME PERMISSION TO EXIST IN HIS/HER PRESENCE?

MAXIMIZE ATTACHMENT

GETTING STARTED Getting into the LEAD • Engage ALL the Senses • Focus on the Teacher • Use every time you see the students

SILENCE - SMILE

LEADING • All eyes on you • Now give your directions

TRANSITIONS - Getting into the LEAD GETTING THE STUDENTS’ ATTENTION WITHOUT RAISING YOUR VOICE Have the children do something that is incompatible with other behaviours like talking to their friends. The alternate behaviour should be fun: Songs, Chants, Funny gestures All eyes on you SILENCE - SMILE

Now give your directions 45

Managing Behaviour without Rewards - Eva de Gosztonyi

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 8, 2023

ENGAGE THE ATTACHMENT INSTINCTS

Challenging students Make a list of the students “at risk” Seek them out to greet pleasantly as often as possible This gives you a sense of where the student is at Check the AGENDA – for parental notes Have a Plan B if, the student seems distressed

Let other staff know of potential difficulties

Keep it LOW KEY 46

ENGAGE THE ATTACHMENT INSTINCTS

Challenging students When you find that a student is no longer following your lead – go back to the beginning – use a collecting ritual • Use an attachable tone • Find a way to catch the student’s eyes, nod and smile – playful mode • If you have to raise your voice to get the student’s attention, when s/he looks at you, have a smile in your eyes. Which person would I rather listen to? WORK AT ATTACHMENT AND ATTACHMENT WILL WORK FOR YOU 47

COMPENSATE FOR THE EFFECTS OF IMMATURITY ANALYSE THE ENVIRONMENT AND SCHEDULE FOR WHERE AND WHEN TROUBLE HAPPENS Getting ready to work: • Provide extra pencils – erasers - calculators – etc. • Make it easy for the students to find their copy books and texts Location of: • pencil sharpener OR have many sharpened pencils available • student desk to where least disruptions will happen Don’t penalize students for adult decisions 48

Managing Behaviour without Rewards - Eva de Gosztonyi

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 8, 2023

COMPENSATE FOR THE EFFECTS OF IMMATURITY SET UP YOUR ENVIRONMENT TO HELP GUIDE ACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOUR LINING UP: 1. Masking tape 2. Floor decals CIRCLE TIME: 1. Masking tape 2. Chairs 3. Hula hoops 4. Carpet swatches 50

HELPING the UNFOCUSED CHILD SEAT WORK AND WRITING • When focus wanders – redirect to completing one small step / fold the paper / highlight the ones you want completed • When focus wanders again – provide an alternate activity o For young children - PLAY – if other children ask why he gets to play – say, “He completed his work.” o For older children – Personal Bin • Read the group, cut the activity short and give permission for free time

Managing Behaviour without Rewards - Eva de Gosztonyi

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 8, 2023

COMPENSATE FOR THE EFFECTS OF IMMATURITY

PERSONAL BIN Contains • activities to engage the student if they need a moment of respite • can be easily transported to another location or another room PETER

HELPING the AGITATED CHILD Provide the student with an environment that is necessary for THEIR level of functioning.

• Tolerate movement – allow for pacing or squirming • Provide acceptable fidget items • Provide sufficient “elbow room” • Allow for frequent movement breaks – Active Corner • Give active jobs • Use Brain Breaks – all the class will benefit

It is also possible to set-up a Movement Area within the classroom with selected exercise posters

MOVEMENT STATION

Managing Behaviour without Rewards - Eva de Gosztonyi

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 8, 2023

BRAIN BREAKS - ACTIVE As movement is incorporated into the daily classroom routine • the brain is able to function at higher levels, Reduces STRESS and ANXIETY Improves STAYING ON TASK Increases ATTENTIVENESS Restores ENERGY and MOTIVATION

KINESTHETIC HALLWAYS 55

DIFFERENT WORK STATIONS

DIFFERENT SEATING OPTIONS

Managing Behaviour without Rewards - Eva de Gosztonyi

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 8, 2023

PROVIDE OUTLETS FOR REDUCING ANXIETY

FIDGET ITEMS

WEIGHTED ITEMS

CREATE A QUIET CORNER Noise cancelling earphones Fidget items Books

Stuffed animals 59

HAVE A PLAN FOR CHALLENGING BEHAVIOURS WORK WITH YOUR SCHOOL TEAM TO CHANGE THE CIRCUMSTANCES RATHER THAN JUST TRYING TO CONTROL OR CHANGE THE STUDENT

• Recess / Breaks ANTICIPATE & PREVENT üWith extra supervision • Hallways üAway from other students • Bathrooms BE a TRAFFIC DIRECTOR (who üUnder supervision directs away from trouble) rather • Lunch time than the POLICE (who gives a üIn a quieter space consequence for troubling • Substitute teacher behaviour) üMake introductions or have an alternate ”person” the child can be with 60

Managing Behaviour without Rewards - Eva de Gosztonyi

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 8, 2023

USE TIME-AWAY instead of TIME-OUT If you are starting to “reach your limit” with a child OR if a child needs to be away from the other children

1. Send the child to a safe place • The “quiet corner” within the room • Behaviour Technician • the Office • Nurturing Support Centre 2. Send the child TO SOMEONE to deliver something • a book • an envelope 3. Always go to the student and let them know that the relationship is still intact. 61

BUILD A VILLAGE OF ATTACHMENT 1. Surround the child with as many caring adults as possible 2. Help students form attachments to adults and adults to form relationships to the student 3. Create a positive relationship with the parents • Positive phone calls/notes home • Welcome parents warmly even when there is “trouble”. • Avoid use of the “green/yellow/red” face type of behaviour management system or digital management systems 62

COMMUNICATE WITH PARENTS • Invite the parent to a problem-solving meeting • Show lots of empathy for their child’s challenges • Focus on what each person can do to make school an easier place for the student to manage • Explain that there will no longer be a daily report because of its effect on the child-adult relationship • If behaviour needs to be communicated, find another way • If the student has had a difficult day encourage the parent to provide MORE comfort and rest (no homework, bath, story, cuddles) • Find ways to communicate with the parent to offer help

Instead of USING the AGENDA

Managing Behaviour without Rewards - Eva de Gosztonyi

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 8, 2023

BUILD A TEAM OF INTERVENERS Create or use your existing a school team to • Plan regular meetings to discuss challenging students and how best to help support them so they can handle being in school • Put together a team of adults to share the responsibility of caring for challenging students • Use adult resources in the school creatively “Children come to feel themselves as being safe through their experience in relationship with a caring and protective adult.” Australian Childhood Foundation

MINIMIZE THE INFLUENCE OF PEERS 1. Expect poor behaviour when the student spends unsupervised time with peers 2. Allow the student to spend time in the presence of those more mature. 3. Find “dignified” ways of keeping students separated a. Helping in another class b. Helping others in the school 65

ALLOW FOR EMOTIONAL EXPRESSION Dra

Dra

w in

us ic

nc e 66

Managing Behaviour without Rewards - Eva de Gosztonyi

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 8, 2023

IDEAS FOR PLAYFUL RELEASE OF EMOTIONS • Write out Frustrations and make into paper balls or paper planes to throw • Dance party • Table top “expressive art” (banner paper on a table with crayons) • Mural for expression

• Bubble-wrap stomping • Egg carton crushing • Spray-bottle painting on paper or snow • Pool-noodle sword fighting • Drumming party

BE CREATIVE! EMOTIONAL RELEASE THROUGH PLAY WITH YOUR STUDENTS CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE 67

ENCOURAGE PLAY Create time for play Escalating diagnoses of childhood anxiety, depression and ADHD has paralleled the loss of Play - Peter Gray, American Journal of Play 2011

H UG LA

PLAY WITH THEM

HAV FUN E !

Managing Behaviour without Rewards - Eva de Gosztonyi

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 8, 2023

HOW CAN I HELP MY CHILD AT HOME? DISTRACTED, OVERACTIVE AND DISORGANIZED IMMATURITY

ALARM

• accept the immaturity • be the child’s helper • become their prefrontal cortex – organize for them • provide extra structure and support

• increase attachment to reduce separation alarm • avoid lecturing and criticizing • avoid punishments • avoid reward systems • reassure frequently that the relationship is secure

THE DRAMA OF THE DISTRACTED, OVERACTIVE AND DISORGANIZED CHILD

IMMATURITY

ALARM DISTRACTED, OVERACTIVE AND DISORGANIZED

SEPARATION ALARM

ANXIETY AGITATION INATTENTION MEMORY PROBLEMS OPPOSITION TANTRUMS

ADULT UPSET AND DISCIPLINE

INCREASE ATTACHMENT How can I get the child who is playing a video game, playing with toys or playing with friends to look at me and smile? COLLECT BEFORE YOU DIRECT Get close - the eyes - a smile - a nod • Get close enough to see what they are doing – stand quietly • Wait until they look up at you • Smile and with a gentle voice comment on what they are doing • When they are nodding and smiling – let them know what you want them to do: “It’s time for supper.” “It’s time to clean up.” “It’s time to go.”

Managing Behaviour without Rewards - Eva de Gosztonyi

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 8, 2023

INCREASE ATTACHMENT

Come alongside to decrease alarm • Talk about how hard it is to remember and get things done • Assure the child that you will keep helping • If the child has had a “bad day” at school give extra care – warm blanket, hot chocolate, favorite treat, read an extra book When we care for our children on their bad days, we decrease their attachment alarm – this helps them become calmer and improves their behaviour 73

INCREASE CO-OPERATION

USE PLAY AND Playing usually causes smiles PLAYFULNESS – increasing attachment • Make routines fun: o Going upstairs to bed: Hop like a bunny o Brushing teeth: Catching the green gremlins o Washing hands: Using bubbles – different colours o Listening to their music (teens) while cleaning up and doing dishes

COMPENSATING FOR IMMATURITY READ THE NEED AND TAKE THE LEAD • Organize their backpack • Keep track of their important items • Basket or box with their things – organize each week • Avoid lecturing and explaining • Help with homework • Setting out clothes at night THEY’RE NOT DOING IT ON PURPOSE

Managing Behaviour without Rewards - Eva de Gosztonyi

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 8, 2023

COMPENSATING FOR IMMATURITY HOMEWORK • Set a time limit • Break into small chunks • Stay close by • Help your child stay on task by pointing to the next step • Use gestures not words • Have a fun movement break • Smile and encourage

COMPENSATING FOR IMMATURITY Routines and Chores

• Small short tasks • Visual prompts • Stay close by

INCREASE PLAY TIME

PLAY: is essential for emotional well-being is essential for brain development is essential for developing life skills 78

Managing Behaviour without Rewards - Eva de Gosztonyi

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 8, 2023

BRIDGE PROBLEM BEHAVIOUR The message we want to give our children even if things are not going well - WE WILL CONTINUE TO CARE FOR THEM. “We’ll try again tomorrow.” “I still love you.” Give the child something to hold onto: • Small note • Token

BRIDGING gives the child HOPE. 79

WHAT DO OUR DISTRACTED, OVERACTIVE AND DISORGANIZED CHILDREN NEED FROM US? UNCONDITIONAL ATTACHMENT PROVIDE MORE ATTACHMENT (kindness and caring) WHEN BEHAVIOUR IS challenging.

Children grow and develop when adults create a relationship garden

When children are attached to us, they WANT to follow us. 80

MANAGING BEHAVIOUR WITHOUT REWARDS – Transitioning out • Do it slowly and be prepared for a reaction • Frame it as “taking a break” “You’re all doing well enough” • Give out “prizes” randomly, without having to merit it. All whose names start ‘A to D’ will get a fancy pencil or a sticker. • Explain to parents that you are doing things differently – most will be relieved. 81

Managing Behaviour without Rewards - Eva de Gosztonyi

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference November 8, 2023

MANAGING BEHAVIOUR WITHOUT REWARDS – Transitioning out • Focus on helping students to get things right – you will have more time for helping when you are no longer monitoring and justifying • Ask for help from the School Team for creating plans for your most challenging students • HAVE FUN with your students – use Brain Breaks and Play Students who are attached to adults want to behave for them. 82

HOW BEHAVIOUR CHANGES

Maturation Behaviour changes as the brain matures

Vulnerability Behaviour changes when vulnerability is protected

Attachment Behaviour changes when students are attached to adults

Emotions Behaviour changes when emotions are felt

Eva de Gosztonyi, Martine Demers, Catherine Korah Centre of Excellence for Behaviour Management

www.cebm.ca RESOURCES CENTRE

A website that helps schools to use a developmental-traumaresponsive-attachment friendly approach 84

MANAGING BEHAVIOUR WITHOUT REWARDS LIST OF REFERENCES prepared by Eva de Gosztonyi Birch, L. L., D. W. Marlin, and J. Rotter. (1984). Eating as the ‘Means’ Activity in a Contingency: Effects on Young Children’s Food Preference. Child Development 55 (2, Apr): 431-439. EJ 303 231. https://www.jstor.org/stable/1129954?typeAccessWorkflow=login Cook, Clayton, Fiat, Aria, Larson, Madeline et al. 2018. Positive Greetings at the Door: Evaluation of a Low-Cost, High-Yield Proactive Classroom Management Strategy https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/1098300717753831 Curwin, Richard. 2012. Six Reasons Rewards Don't Work https://www.edutopia.org/blog/reward-fraud-richard-curwin Damasio, Antonio. 1994/2005. Descartes' Error: Emotion, Reason, and the Human Brain. Penguin paperback Deichmann, Dirk and Markus Baer. 2002. A recipe for success? Sustaining creativity among first-time creative producers. Journal of Applied Psychology, https://psycnet.apa.org/doiLanding?doi=10.1037%2Fapl0001019 https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2022/07/220714165825.htm Douglas, V. I. and Parry, P. A. 1983. Effects of reward on delayed reaction time task performance of hyperactive children J Abnorm Child Psychol . 1983 Jun;11(2):313-26. Douglas, V. I. and Parry, P. A. 1994. Effects of reward and non-reward on frustration and attention in attention deficit disorder J Abnorm Child Psychol. 1994 Jun;22(3):281-302. Giedd, J. 2008. The Teen Brain: Insights from Neuroimaging Journal of Adolescent Health Volume 42, Issue 4, April 2008, Pages 335-343 Giedd, J, PBS Frontline – Inside the Teenage Brain https://www.pbs.org/wgbh/frontline/documentary/inside-the-teenage-brain/ Kohn, Alfie. 1993. Punished by Rewards: The Trouble with Gold Stars, Incentive Plans, A’s, Praise, and Other Bribes. Boston: Houghton Mifflin, (1993 / 1999 / 2018) Kohn, Alfie. 2001. Five Reasons to Stop Saying “Good Job!” https://www.alfiekohn.org/article/five-reasons-stop-saying-good-job/ Kohn, Alfie. 2011. Studies Support Rewards, Homework, and Traditional Teaching. Or Do They? https://www.alfiekohn.org/blogs/studies-support-rewards-homework-traditional-teaching/ Kohn, Alfie. 2012. Criticizing (Common Criticisms of) Praise https://www.alfiekohn.org/blogs/criticizing-common-criticisms-praise/ Kohn, Alfie. 2018. Rewards Are Still Bad News (25 Years Later) https://www.alfiekohn.org/article/rewards-25-years-later/

Lepper, M.R., Greene, D., and Nisbett, R. E. 1973. Undermining children's intrinsic interest with extrinsic rewards: A test of the over-justification hypothesis. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 28, 129-37 Manley, Travis. 2022. Rip those behavior charts off of the wall and burn them. https://www.progressivepreceptors.com/blog/rip-those-behavior-charts-off-of-the-wall-andburn-them McGilchrist, Iain. 2009. The Master and his Emissary: The Divided Brain and the Making of the Western World Yale University Press Monolev, Jamie, Sullivan, Anna and Slee, Roger. 2019. Digitally tracking student behaviour in the classroom encourages compliance, not learning https://theconversation.com/digitally-tracking-student-behaviour-in-the-classroomencourages-compliance-not-learning-110181 Moriguchi, Yusuke and Hirake, Kazuo. 2013. Prefrontal cortex and executive function in young children: a review of NIRS studies https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3865781/ Panksepp, Jaak. 2010. Affective neuroscience of the emotional BrainMind: evolutionary perspectives and implications for understanding depression https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3181986/ Sabiston, Nikki 2012. Why I Will Never Use a Behavior Chart Again http://www.teachinginprogress.com/2012/10/why-i-will-never-use-behavior-chart.html Warneken, Felix and Tomasello, Michael. 2014. Extrinsic Rewards Undermine Altruistic Tendencies in 20-Month-Olds Planck Institute for Evolutionary Anthropology https://www.eva.mpg.de/documents/AmericanPsychologicalAss/Warneken_Extrinsic_Mot Science_2014_2052885.pdf IDEA website: www.ideacentreforeducators.org ✽ Managing Behaviour without Rewards (90 min) https://vimeo.com/773931031/989d807ddc CEBM website: www.cebm.ca Visit also the Resources Centre: www.cebmmember.ca ✽ Common Practices to Avoid: https://www.cebmmember.ca/common-practices-to-avoid ✽ Movement Station: https://www.cebmmember.ca/physical-outlet-movement-station ✽ Brain Breaks: www.cebmmember.ca/brain-break-activities ✽ Quiet Corner: www.cebmmember.ca/cocoon-area ✽ Personal Bin: https://www.cebmmember.ca/personal-bin ✽ Intervention Continuum: www.cebm.ca/intervention-continuum ✽ Emotion and Play: www.cebm.ca/emotion-and-play

- A NEUFELD INSTITUTE & JACK HIROSE CONFERENCE -

EMOTIONAL HEALTH & WELL-BEING TOWARDS FLOURISHING CHILDREN & YOUTH

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 6 - WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 8, 2023 Hilton Garden Inn Saskatoon Downtown 90 22 St E, Saskatoon, SK S7K 3X6

DEBORAH MACNAMARA, PH.D.

WORKSHOP #12 When Feelings Go Missing: Moving Through Emotional Defense Day Three | 12:45pm - 4:00pm

208-197 Forester Street North Vancouver, BC, Canada V7H 0A6 t 604 924 0296

f 604 924 0239

t f 1 800 456 5424

DAY 3

e registration@jackhirose.com

Emotional Defenses - Deborah MacNamara, PhD

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, Nov. 6-8, 2023

Emotional Defense: Finding a way through DEBORAH MACNAMARA,PHD

FACULTY, NEUFELD INSTITUTE DIRECTOR, KID’S BEST BET

Every human brain is equipped to… … shield against a sense of insecurity

… tune out what distresses

… suppress alarming feelings

… shut out what hurts … repress bad memories … dull the pain … numb out discomfort

defend against vulnerability

… divest of caring & responsibility

… deny shortcomings

… protect against a sense of mortality … turn a blind eye to rejection

… extinguish feelings of shame & embarrassment

… filter out vulnerable feelings as well as feelings of vulnerability

What is the problem? 3

PLA Y

Emotional Defenses - Deborah MacNamara, PhD

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, Nov. 6-8, 2023

FEEL AT TA CH

to caution to care to trust

to cover up

to draw near to hope

• values separateness • independent & autonomous • responsible

Y LIT TA VI

t io gra

ali

TEM PER ED

• rarely bored

• creative in solitude • overcomes problems

e int con RESILIE sid NT er a • socially adept te • morally developed

• full of interests & initiative

vi t

resourceful

ILITY VIAB

• not impulsive

tempered

• thoughtful

• balanced

ia b

y ilit

emergence

ap tat io

L FU CE UR SO RE

• considers context

il r es

i en

• matures through adversity • learns from failure • recovers from trauma

• benefits from correction

• transcends disabilities & handicaps

Emotional Defenses - Deborah MacNamara, PhD

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, Nov. 6-8, 2023

to caution to care to trust

If caring sets you up to get hurt …. the brain has other plans to cover up

to draw near to hope

What makes us feel too vulnerable?

TOGETHERNESS is our preeminent need as humans Our hunger for CONNECTION stems from our ATTACHMENT INSTINCTS

Emotional Defenses - Deborah MacNamara, PhD

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, Nov. 6-8, 2023

seeking dependent dependent instincts to instincts trust in & depend upon to get one’s bearings to be taken care of to serve and obey to seek assistance to look up to to belong to follow to express needs to wait for orders to look for guidance to comply and conform

Facing separation is the most IMPACTFUL of all human experiences BECAUSE ATTACHMENT is OUR SURVIVAL INSTINCT

ime losing face both pare NEGLECT t d e nts w b ork hospitalization IF

fa ilu r

dis abi lity isolat ion

scho

g DE facin threats to

se c

ret

CHANGE

movi ng

ing are yc a d

one loss of loved STRESs? H

g iblin s r e h anot g LOST

loneliness

identity

personal injury

a do p

A BU

tion DIVO

RCE

RETIR

E ME N

in be res id sch entia oo l l

Emotional Defenses - Deborah MacNamara, PhD

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, Nov. 6-8, 2023

The MANY FACES of SEPARATION • physical and/or emotional separation from an attachment figure • life events that involve transition, birth of a child, move, daycare, school, divorce • separation based discipline such as time outs, 123 magic, consequences • peer orientation • dominance problems • sensitive temperament and feeling like one is too much to handle • facing death or the realization that bad things can happen to you or those you are attached to

What is the difference between an emotion and a feeling?

We need to FEEL our EMOTIONS •

To optimize emotional health and well being

•

To have content for reflection which fosters maturity

•

To adapt to circumstances and situations

•

To foster recovery from stress

•

To keep us safe and out of harms way

•

To care about others and want to be cared for

•

To become fully human and humane

Emotional Defenses - Deborah MacNamara, PhD

FEELINGS are best thought of as the mind’s READING of emotional feedback coming feelings back into the brain from the body.

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, Nov. 6-8, 2023

EMOTIONAL DEFENSES

M dy a O s al T I tere O db N y

automomic ry nervous ato system respirtem sy circula tory organs system musc les gut logy heart io s y ph joints chemistry

e ore

on i t o

le nd

lin fee

Sorry ... BRAIN IS STRESSED OUT! EMOTIONS ARE HARD AT WORK RIGHT NOW AND SO INTERNAL FEEDBACK MUST WAIT TO BE PROCESSED INTO FEELINGS. PLEASE COME BACK LATER BUT DON’T WAIT TOO LONG.

The Cost of Defense - can be situational, pervasive, and enduring -

•

Trouble feeling

•

Trouble behaving

•

Trouble growing up

•

Trouble attaching

Sacrificial Play: The brain can’t move us to maturity and protect us from vulnerable feelings at the same time

Emotional Defenses - Deborah MacNamara, PhD

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, Nov. 6-8, 2023

Defenses are the brain’s response to reduce vulnerability from separation too much to bear

When does the brain need to reduce vulnerability? - can be situational, pervasive, and enduring -

Emotion can’t be brought into consciousness when ... … Emotional expression has repercussions for relationships … There is work to do that emotion could get in the way of … There is a wounding environment one has to survive … Sensory and emotional overload due to sensitivity … There is a lack of invitation for expression … There are no words for what one feels … There is a lack of shielding that would provide a sense of safety

Signs of a Child in Trouble - wounds too much to bearno longer talks about what distresses or hurt feelings no longer feels unsafe or alarmed no longer reads rejection or can stay out of harm’s way no longer feels futility when it is encountered (often accompanied by increased levels of attacking energy) no longer feels emptiness or longing (feels boredom instead)

Emotional Defenses - Deborah MacNamara, PhD

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, Nov. 6-8, 2023

Impact of Emotional Defenses on learning and behaviour

q a proneness to boredom q a divestment of caring q a deadening of alarm q an attraction to that which alarms q a weakness for vulnerability-reducing drugs

Three types of defenses that the brain can employ

Three Basic Mechanisms of Defense EMOTIONAL DEFENSE – the filtering out of vulnerable feelings • if the defense is more than situational, leads to a significant loss of vulnerable feelings and the resulting impulses to action

Emotional Defenses - Deborah MacNamara, PhD

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, Nov. 6-8, 2023

Vulnerable feelings more likely to be defended against feelings of shyness and timidity feelings of embarrassment including blushing feelings of shame (that something is wrong with me) feelings of futility (sadness, disappointment, grief, sorrow) feelings of fulfillment (joy, delight, enjoyment) feelings of dependence (emptiness, loneliness, insecurity) feelings of appreciation (thankful, grateful, indebted) feelings of caring (compassion, enthusiasm, concern) feelings of alarm (apprehension, anxiety and fear) feelings of woundedness (hurt feelings, anguish, pain) feelings of responsibility (guilt, remorse, to make things better, protective)

Three Basic Mechanisms of Defense PERCEPTUAL DEFENSE – attention is directed away from that which would give rise to vulnerable feelings • lack of memories or thoughts that could evoke vulnerable feelings • blindness to one’s shortcomings, failures or mistakes • inability to see trouble coming or to see what’s wrong • blindness to rejection, e.g., the invitation to exist in another’s presence • difficulty focusing or concentrating when at risk for vulnerable feelings • can lead to significant attentional deficits

Three Basic Mechanisms of Defense DEFENSIVE DETACHMENT – reversing of the attachment instincts that put the child at risk of getting hurt • being hurt or wounded by someone attached to • the anticipation of rejection, separation, isolation or loss • experiencing or anticipating reactions of disapproval or disappointment

Emotional Defenses - Deborah MacNamara, PhD

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, Nov. 6-8, 2023

Typical Triggers • separations where connection cannot be preserved - due to hospitalization, maternal depression, inaccessibility, etc - due to school, work, daycare, camps, treatment programs, etc - due to split parenting, rotating caregivers, holidays, or even the respite sought from caregiving responsibilities - due to transplanting where the attachment roots are not protected

• the anticipation of rejection, separation, isolation or loss • experiencing or anticipating reactions of disapproval or disappointment • being hurt or wounded by someone attached to

Defensive Detachment and Cascading Diagnoses • reactive attachment disorder • oppositional defiant disorder • conduct disorder • obsessive compulsive disorder • attention deficit disorder • bipolar disorder • anti-social personality disorder

Defusing Defensive Detachment VOID any separation that can be avoided.

RIDGE what could divide, including separation that cannot be avoided. ULTIVATE a deeper attachment so the child can hold on when physically apart. ON’T let defensive detachment disrupt the connection or break the relationship

Emotional Defenses - Deborah MacNamara, PhD

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, Nov. 6-8, 2023

Softening the Defenses

Why Softening Defenses is Challenging - The brain has its reasons-

We can’t make anyone take down their guard, even children Dropping defenses leads to hurt feelings The defenses might be there for good reason They need to depend on someone before they can feel safe A defensive skin may be necessary for a sensitive child to cope

STUCK developmentally

MISSING the pivotal feelings that would move them to mature

DEFENDED against the vulnerability of their experience

SENSITIVITIES OVERWHELMED

Emotional Defenses - Deborah MacNamara, PhD

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, Nov. 6-8, 2023

Lead to STUCK feelings developmentally

MISSING

the of the pivotal feelings that emotions would move them to mature Provide DEFENDED and against the vulnerability of their experience from SENSITIVITIES OVERWHELMED and reduce

from and reduce

Protect from wounding interactions, e.g.

Protect peers

Protect from WOUNDING and reduce SEPARATION

Emotional Defenses - Deborah MacNamara, PhD

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, Nov. 6-8, 2023

Protect from wounding interactions, e.g.

Protect peers

Reduce Reduce separation-based discipline

Protect from WOUNDING and reduce SEPARATION

Protect from wounding interactions, e.g.

Protect peers

Reduce Reduce separation-based discipline

Protect from WOUNDING and reduce SEPARATION

Lead

Take the lead and support a child who is getting into trouble

Protect from wounding interactions, e.g.

Protect peers

Reduce Reduce separation-based discipline

Protect from WOUNDING and reduce SEPARATION

Lead

Take the lead and support a child who is getting into trouble

Bridge

Bridge the divide

Emotional Defenses - Deborah MacNamara, PhD

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, Nov. 6-8, 2023

Protect from wounding interactions, e.g.

Protect peers

Reduce Reduce separation-based discipline

Protect from WOUNDING and reduce SEPARATION

Lead

Take the lead and support a child who is getting into trouble

Bridge

Bridge the divide

Focus on

Focus on what does work instead of what doesn’t

Provide and from and reduce

S ha

n’s eck i

T RM

re i

nte

Delight

res

COLLECT

nt yme o j n E

RELATIONSHIP P la y to g e th e

The invitation to be close

CARING FO R THEM IN r UNEXPECTE D WAYS

USE THEIR NAME

full with g in n Liste ention a tt

HAT IS BER W THEM M E M RE T TO RTAN IMPO

Emotional Defenses - Deborah MacNamara, PhD

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, Nov. 6-8, 2023

Shield with a SAFE ATTACHMENT t t a

c • too much separation h m • too much e shame n

ADULT a

CHILD

t a c h • too unsafe m • too e insecure n • too t alarming

the emotions

Provide and from and reduce

Support the EXPRESSION of EMOTION

CULTIVATE EMOTIONAL PLAYGROUNDS

Emotional Defenses - Deborah MacNamara, PhD

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, Nov. 6-8, 2023

WHEN NATURE GAVE US

EMOTION TO TAKE CARE OF US,

SHE ALSO GAVE US PLAY TO TAKE CARE OF OUR EMOTIONS

Emotions are not at work, so the inhibition of feelings is reversed

Emotions are freer to move and so more likely to be felt and identified Emotions are easier to feel when one step removed from real life

Play is safe so feelings won’t get hurt

PLAY takes care of FEELINGS and SOFTENs DEFENSES 47

identi tie and ro s les

objects movement

ideas

symbols (art, music)

imagin a and fa tion n s tasy g n and feeli emotions words and meanings voice

PLAYGROUNDS laughter and humour stories and writing drawing and painting

drama and theatre singing and music dance and movement

Emotional Defenses - Deborah MacNamara, PhD

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, Nov. 6-8, 2023

Playing with FRUSTRATION • mock aggression

•war games • play fighting

• building • fixing

• pretend pain

• reassemble and reorder

• destroying

• silly self

• growing and planting

Playing with ALARM • peek-a-boo play

• rescue play • safe hide-away play

• startle play • ambush games

• dare games

• ‘tumble’ play

• monsters & scary creature play

• safe-at-home play

• scary stories, games and activities

Playing with PURSUIT • chase

• hide and seek • dress up

• hunt

• hoarding and collecting

• marriage • family • competition

• possession • magic and deceit

Emotional Defenses - Deborah MacNamara, PhD

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, Nov. 6-8, 2023

sen se of

freedom from emotional wounding

f f ic

ie n

freedom from competing activities

PA CE

Conditions Conducive to Play

sense of SECURITY

freedom from facing separation and the work of attachment Rituals, customs and ‘playgrounds’ characterized by these conditions.

Support the EXPRESSION of EMOTION

CULTIVATE EMOTIONAL PLAYGROUNDS

COME ALONGSIDE EMOTIONS

Emotional Defenses - Deborah MacNamara, PhD

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, Nov. 6-8, 2023

To come alongside a child’s feelings is to … a) accept their existence regardless of how irrational and unreasonable they may seem b) normalize the feelings rather than treat their existence as problem c) make room for the feelings rather than try to get rid of them

Lead to feelings

the emotions

Provide and from and reduce

Lead them to their VULNERABLE FEELINGS

Immunize them against upsets by gently touching the bruises

Emotional Defenses - Deborah MacNamara, PhD

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, Nov. 6-8, 2023

How to touch the bruises safely • start with the little bruises, not the gaping wounds • first collect the child in order to open the child up to your lead • gently ‘touch the bruise’ through warm words but as an ‘aside’ to the main conversation and without expecting any response • while ‘touching the bruise’, make sure NOT to use questions or direct eye contact or even suggest vulnerable feelings, all of which will tend to evoke defensive reactions • make a quick exit by changing the subject, before the defensive mechanisms get a chance to get organized • only move to provide comfort if there is a sign that it would be welcomed and received

Lead them to their VULNERABLE FEELINGS

Immunize them against upsets by gently touching the bruises

Lead them to tears that are healing and cultivate resilience

DO W N

BOUN

L ET

CE B AC

The emotional journey of resilience

Emotional Defenses - Deborah MacNamara, PhD

HELP THAT IS

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, Nov. 6-8, 2023

HELPFUL!!

Heaven knows we need never be ashamed of our tears, for they are rain upon the blinding dust of earth, overlying our hard hearts. I was better after I had cried, than before— more sorry, more aware of my own ingratitude, more gentle. Charles Dickens

PLA Y

FEEL AT TA CH

Emotional Defenses - Deborah MacNamara, PhD

Saskatoon Neufeld Conference, Nov. 6-8, 2023

RESOURCES macnamara.ca

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Neufeld Institute Neufeldinstitute.o rg

Emotional Defense: Finding a way through DEBORAH MACNAMARA,PHD

FACULTY, NEUFELD INSTITUTE