Centerfold

1.

TJH Centerfold

Hey Underlings,

Just letting you know before you plan my mishloach manos that this year I’ve gone green. I’m like totally, you know, into the whole global warming thing. So, I am vegan, cage-free, gluten-free, straw-free, dairy-free, fun-free, and brain-free. Also, please don’t send me anything that has any plastic or other particles that will burn a hole in the ozone. As it is, we only have 12 years left until the heat turns us all into sunny-side ups. Seriously, just think about how hot it was this winter in New York!

Now, let’s talk about dressing up. You should all try to be sensitive with your costumes. I notice a lot of stereotyping of pirates, Thing #1 and Thing #2, Wizard of Oz, Waldo and, of course, Spider Man. Remember, Buggs Bunny has feelings, too! Try to think how you would feel if you were stereotyped. (Hey, your Borsalino is a little too tilted to the left.) Also, please make sure to provide a safe space where people who are insulted by your costumes could cry. The truth is, it’s best not to dress up at all because it’s insensitive of you not to be as miserable as the PC police. But if you are inclined to dress up – share your pictures. Be bold! Don’t let them intimidate you! Your fellow underlings want to see how you dressed up. So, send your pictures of you dressed up in your Purim finest to editor@fivetownsjewishhome.com. In the Subject line write: Purim Pics.

Have a Happy Purim!! Centerfold Commissioner forever

(yes, that’s my signature...impeccable penmanship!)

You Gotta Be Kidding Me !

A man went to see his doctor because he was su ering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn’t help.

On his next visit, the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn’t do any good, either.

On his third visit, the doctor told the man to go home and take a hot bath. As soon as he was fi nished bathing, he was to throw open window.

“But doc,” protested the patient, “if I do that, I’ll get pneumonia.”

“I know,” said his physician. “And I know how to cure pneumonia.”

On his next visit, the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn’t do any good, either. On his third visit, the doctor told the man to go home and take a hot bath. As

Megillah Trivia

1. What title did Haman NOT have? a. Bath attendant b. Barber c. Slave d. Prime minister e. god f. Army chief g. Uber driver

2. What did Achashveirosh NOT have at his feast? a. Gold beds b. Vessels from the Bais

Hamikdash c. Flowing wine d. Music

3. At what time of year did the Jews of Shushan join in

Achashveirosh’s feast? a. Pesach b. Lag B’Omer c. Purim d. Aseres Yimei Teshuva

4. How old, according to some, was Esther when she married

Achashveirosh? a. 3 years old b. 40 years old c. 75 years old d. 80 years old

5. On what day was Vashti killed? a. Yom Kippur b. Shabbos c. Taanis Esther d. Kaf Shevat

6. How did Bigsan and Seresh attempt to kill Achashveirosh? a. They sprinkled a dried mold on his pillow so he would breathe it in when he slept b. They ground up glass and put it into his food c. They extracted venom from a snake and put it in his cup d. They poured oil on the marble fl oor of his bedroom so he would slip and be killed

7. After Bigsan and Seresh were killed, how much time did it take Haman to rise to power? a. 3 months b. 1 year c. 5 years d. 21 years

8. The original Taanis Esther took place in what month? a. Av b. Tishrei c. Nissan d. Adar

9. When the word got out about

Haman’s evil decree, the Jews of Shushan began to cry. Who else was crying at that time as well? a. Vayzusa b. Hagai c. Bigsan d. The people of Shushan

10. How many people did Haman consult with about what to do with Mordechai? a. 1 b. 10 c. 18 d. 365

Answers: 1-G (Nor did he work for Lyft.) 2-D (Reason? He wanted everyone to be present and enjoy. Sometimes music gets annoying… Think of the guy singing, “Mishe..Mishe…Mishe…Mishe” in your ear for five hours straight.) 3-D 4-B, C, D 5-A and B 6-C (Book depository seems simpler.) 7-C 8-C (It was on Pesach. Think about breaking your fast on matzah and cream cheese and hardboiled eggs… yikes!) 9-D (Hashem made those drawing water from wells in Shushan drown and those drying clothing on roofs in Shushan fall and die.) 10-D

Wisdom Key: 8-10 correct: Charvona? 4-7 correct: You are right in the middle… good thing you are not one of Haman’s kids. 0-3 correct: You give new meaning to “Ad deloh yadah!”

The questions above were based on various Medrashim found in the book titled, “Let My Nation Live,” by Yosef Deutsch