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TJH Centerfold
Mother’s Dictionary
CBottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 a.m. too.
CDefense: What you’d better have around “de yard” if you’re going to let the children play outside.
CDrooling: How teething babies wash their chins.
CDumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
CFeedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots.
CFull name: What you call your child when you’re mad at him.
CGrandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.
CIndependent: How you want your child to be as long as he does everything you say.
CLook out: What it’s too late for your child to do by the time you scream it. C Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
CShow o : A child who is more talented than yours.
CSterilize: What you do to your fi rst baby’s pacifi er by boiling it and to your last baby’s pacifi er by blowing on it.
CStoreroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can’t quite reach anything.
CTemper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.
CTop bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
CVerbal: Able to whine in words.
CWhodunit: None of the kids who live in your house.
CWhoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into “get a shmatta.”
David goes on safari in Kenya with his wife, Stephanie, and his mother-in-law, Beth. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, Stephanie awakes to fi nd that her mother, Beth, has disappeared. Rushing to David, she insists on them both trying to fi nd her mother.
Sighing heavily, David picks up his rifl e and starts to search for Beth. Soon, in a clearing not far from the camp, they come upon a frightening sight.
Beth is backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large lion is standing facing her. Stephanie cries out in panic, “David, what are we going to do?”
You Gotta be Kidding Me!
Top 20 Mom Jobs
1. Personal Chef 2. Tantrum and meltdown negotiator 3. Search & Rescue Ops: Small plastic pieces unit 4. PhD in Anger Management 5. Keeper of Secrets 6. Laundry Machine Operator 7. Toy Repair Expert 8. No-Thumb Sucking Enforcer 9. Play-date Coordinator 10. Birthday Events Director 11. Sleep Scientist Scary Monster Patrol O cer 12. Dramatic Story Teller 13. Boo-Boo Fixer 14. Vacation Coordinator & Tour Guide 15. PhD in Reverse Psychology 16. Seamstress of Frilly Dresses and Super Hero Costumes 17. Mrs. Fix-It 18. Stain Removal Expert 19. Multi-level Tutor 20. Archeologist Specializing in Under Bed and Inside
Closet Digs
Riddle me This?
In honor of Mother’s Day, there is a cake-baking competition. The four moms who fi nish in places 1 through 4 win a prize. You have to determine the name of the four winners, what position they fi nished in, and what cake they baked.
HERE IS WHAT YOU KNOW: • The moms’ fi rst names are: Janna, Betty,
Vicky and Sara • Their last names are: Cohen, Smith, Adler and Fried • The positions are: 1st, 2nd, 3rd and 4th • Cakes baked are: chocolate cake, cheesecake, fruit cake, and sponge cake
CLUES: 1. Janna Fried beat Vicky by two places.
2. Betty’s fruit cake beat Mr. Smith’s wife, who came in 3rd.
3. The sponge cake, despite being a bit bland, got in the top three.
4. The judges obviously had a sweet tooth, as the chocolate cake came in 2nd place.
5. Cohen’s mother cried as she watched her daughter take 1st prize.
What are the full names of the top What are the full names of the top four, what position did they come four, what position did they come in, and what cake did they bake?
Answer below
Sara Smith came in 3rd with her sponge cake; Vicky Adler came in 4th with her cheesecake. Answer to Riddle: Betty Cohen came in 1st with her fruit cake; Janna Fried came in 2nd with his chocolate cake;
