Parenting Pearls

Parenting Pearls Celebrating You As a Mother

By Sara Rayvych, MSEd

We are officially approaching the day when the entire country takes a few moments to appreciate the maternal figures in our life. I say maternal figures because I don’t think that Mother’s Day and the role of motherhood is reserved only for those who have given birth or directly raised children. There are many women who step into the role to provide for a child, and they, too, deserve to be acknowledged. Throughout this article I refer to all these women when I use the term “mother.”

Being a mother is such a large role in a person’s life that it’s really hard to discuss this in an article. We buy flowers, chocolate, or some other treat and include a little note but truly this never does justice to someone who has made us, and our children, into who we are. Still, it’s important to take the time to recognize our mothers, and ourselves, in some small way. Making time in your busy life and finding ways to allow your mother (and self) to enjoy nachas is probably the biggest thank you any of us can give.

I will take this moment to publicly thank my mother for all she has done for me throughout the years. I know I’m not the only one that felt they could never be the mother their own mother was to them.

I would also like to take this moment to acknowledge the woman I never met but made my husband into the man he became. Though I’ve never met her, we are forever connected.

Make Time for Yourself

Mothers are people, too – just don’t tell the kids because they won’t believe you. Make time for yourself to recharge your batteries. I don’t mean only on Mother’s Day but on a regular basis. You have a herculean job that requires massive emotional and physical strength. You can only do this when you are up to the task. Find something that will help you destress and that can realistically

work into your schedule. A trip to Hawaii may help many of us recharge ourselves but may not be practical on a weekly basis.

Mothers, and everyone, may also benefit from trying to find enjoyment in the small pleasures throughout the day. It’s surprising how much you can enjoy a hot drink, a good book, or anything relaxing when you take the time to appreciate it. If you’re already doing it, you might as well get the extra bonus of making it a way to enjoy some extra calm. Think of it like a BOGO sale.

It’s easy to say we don’t need time or we’re too busy, but the time you give yourself will pay itself back in energy and emotional strength later. You can only give your children from what you have to offer.

You’re Human

Again, don’t tell the kids. You will make mistakes. We all make mistakes. It can be very upsetting as a parent when we do the wrong thing. Sometimes, we snap at a child who didn’t deserve it, accuse the wrong

child of something, or respond inappropriately to a hurt child. The examples are endless because parenting is a 24-hour job that lasts for decades. Don’t believe that 18 years nonsense. It’s impossible to be on the job fulltime, even when sick, and not err. It’s not ideal but it’s reality. The truth is all parents learn on the job and that means we learn as we go and grow from our mistakes as part of the natural process.

In my humble experience, the two steps after making a mistake are personal forgiveness and introspection. Beating yourself up and feeling terrible is generally not effective. I guess taking a few minutes to feel horrible won’t do much damage, but after that, you want to accept a mistake was made and do what you can to move on. Kids are surprisingly resilient, and Hashem made the world in a way that mothers will make mistakes.

The first step is to forgive yourself, and move on. It’s easy to feel guilty and tempting to feel terrible about yourself but it’s not ultimately productive. Making yourself feel bad can actually be counterproductive. Feeling pathetic, helpless, and like you can’t do anything right will more likely make you a worse parent in the long-run. Forgiving yourself, accepting that we all make mistakes, and allowing yourself to think more clearly can bring you to step two and making the best out of an error.

When you have peace of mind, try to see what caused the error and what you could have done differently. This can make a real difference in parenting and is the second step in what needs to be done. It’s easy to keep making the same mistake repeatedly, but it takes great internal strength to see what changes can be made to be more successful the next time.

Don’t be afraid to ask for outside assistance. We can’t do everything ourselves, and sometimes we need a little extra help. Whether it’s a friend, relative or neighbor, there are many

Seeing how much they glow from your pride can only make you enjoy it more.

people who can offer advice or practical, hands-on help. If you see that you’re struggling with a particular child, issue, or making the same mistake constantly, then there is no shame in getting professional help – whatever that may be. I can’t tell you how much I’ve personally benefited from the wisdom of others; especially when I was beginning my journey into motherhood. I am truly grateful to all the women (and men) who informed and inspired me along my journey. There is so much wisdom and knowledge out there that it’s a shame to not gain from it.

It is just my personal opinion but I think that parents can apologize and acknowledge when they’ve wronged a child. I personally feel that it can help a child heal, and it teaches an important lesson to your child, as well. It might be embarrassing for a parent to admit they were wrong, but often the child already knows they were wronged and you’re not hiding anything by not admitting it.

The author’s parents, Mr. Abe and Mrs. Judy Alper, with their children

Recognize When You Succeed

Parenting is an incredible and overwhelming job full of challenges. It’s hard to take a step back sometimes and reflect. Allow yourself a few minutes to enjoy when things go well, even if they only go well in some small way. We’re often quick to criticize ourselves but reluctant to accept the joys of success. There are so many times that we can step back and enjoy the nachas. Success leads to success, and after all the efforts mothers make, they should enjoy what they’re building. Use it to propel you further and add a little more contentedness to what can often be a completely unappreciated job.

Additionally, allow your children to know when you’re proud of them. Seeing how much they glow from your pride can only make you enjoy it more. I won’t deny that children in some age categories may not always take as kindly to parental praise but most children will. Often, these children do enjoy the praise from behind their scowling face. When a child knows their parent is proud of them, it makes them only want to do it again.

Happy Mother’s Day to everyone. Mothers may get more kvetching from their kids than praise but know that what you’re doing is building a future. Nothing is more important.

Sara Rayvych, MSEd, has her master’s in general and special education. She has been homeschooling for over 10 years in Far Rockaway. She can be contacted at RayvychHomeschool@gmail.com.