The Power of Positivity by Rebbetzin Chanie Wolowik

The Power of Positivity

BY REBBETZIN CHANIE WOLOWIK

It is refreshing to hear so much talk about positivity lately. We certainly need as much of that as we can get nowadays. However, I often hear people say things like “Have a positive attitude” without ever explaining what that means practically or, more importantly, how that can actually be attained. So I would like to share with you some ideas that have been extremely helpful to me in pursuing positivity in my own life.

One of books that has been most influential in my life is the book of Tanya, written by the first Rebbe of Chabad, Rabbi Shneur Zalman of Liadi. Tanya is a book rich with so much practical wisdom, and the more I live, the more I rely on it for strength and guidance. I continue to study Tanya daily on my own and in classes, and I always gain more insight each time. I strongly recommend to everyone to study the book as well.

One big idea of Tanya is that it teaches us to distinguish between feelings and behaviors. There’s a huge difference between how I feel and what I do. I may not be able to change how I feel right now but I can always choose my behaviors. That means that I can act “as if” and do the right thing even when my heart isn’t in it.

Furthermore, Tanya even categorizes thought as a behavior. I know that comes as a surprise to many people. But thought is an activity, something I do (albeit in my own head) and that means that I have the power of choice over it, just like I can choose my actions. No, I cannot choose which thoughts pop up into my head, but I do get to choose whether I will ruminate on a given thought or let it float by without focusing on it. The thought arises on its own, but it is I who chooses whether or not to give it any attention.

I think this distinction is so essential. It’s really been a lifesaver for me. Sometimes, life is painful and there is nothing we can do about that. But even at those times, we can refuse to let our thoughts spin out of control.

Indeed, this is what I have come to recognize as true positivity. True positivity does not mean that I will always feel good. Not at all! It means that even when I feel bad, I can choose where to focus my mind.

I don’t relish sharing details of my personal life but in the hope that it may help someone I am willing to do so. When I was sitting shiva for my son Levi, alav hashalom, I remember being quite understandably consumed with grief. However, along with the visceral pain, there were also a lot of thoughts – questions like wondering if anybody could truly relate to me, how will I go on, etc. My thoughts were racing.

Then there was a moment of sudden realization where it became clear to me that although there was nothing I could do about the pain, I did have a responsibility to deal with those thoughts. I had an epiphany right then and there that I was allowed to feel the pain – there was nothing that could stop that – but I was not permitted to torture myself with negative, disempowering thoughts.

Trust me when I say that such a decision is not a one-

time thing. It’s an ongoing commitment, a discipline. But like any skill, it’s something that you get better at the more you do it. Over the years, I have practiced this skill thousands of times. I can’t stop myself from feeling what I feel. But I can refuse to allow myself to focus on negative thoughts.

The best thing I have found for averting my mind from self-destructive thinking is action. When my brain starts racing, I know it’s time to get busy with something productive.

I want to be clear. I am not talking about merely distracting myself from my thoughts by keeping busy. I am talking about something much deeper than that. It’s not about distraction. It’s about taking back my power.

I don’t know about you but my negative self-talk is all about discouraging messages that make me feel hopeless and helpless if I listen to them. The response is therefore to take my power back by focusing on the things that I have the ability to control. No matter how bad I feel, I have the power to do something productive for my family, for my community, or even for myself. And when I focus on what I am doing right now instead of focusing on the negative thoughts, I feel my sense of G-d-given power return.

I have also found that speed is very important. I need to take action swiftly. Speed is always on my side when I am overcoming negative thoughts. I will give you an example.

After a particularly difficult pregnancy, I started feeling guilty that I had not been giving my other children the attention they deserved. Of course, I had a legitimate excuse. But that didn’t do anything to stop me from feeling bad for my kids. Why should they lose out?

At that moment, I realized that I wasn’t going to get anywhere by entertaining these thoughts. What’s done is done. Was there an action that I could take right now? i decided that there was, and I decided to act on it immediately.

I turned to my husband and told him we were all getting into the car and going on a trip. When he asked

No matter how bad I feel, I have the power to do something productive for my family, for my community, or even for myself.

me where to, I told him I didn’t know yet but that we should just start driving. In the end, we found a lovely place to stop for a few days and we had a beautiful family vacation that my children still remember fondly.

Today, whenever I hesitate to take action, I remember that story, and it gives me clarity. I can’t just wait for negative thoughts to go away on their own. I have to take action and do so quickly. I can’t change the past, but I can make choices right now in the present.

There are many more tools that I have picked up over the years which I will be happy to share at some other time. And, of course, I am always happy to hear from you about what works for you.

May Hashem bless you all with strength and clarity.

This article is the first in a series of articles that will be published in TJH in a lead-up to a community-wide initiative, “The Power of Positivity,” to be held on Motzei Shabbos, February 13 in 18 shuls across our community. Stay tuned for more information on this interactive workshop run by JWLC, the Jewish Women’s Leadership Council of the Five Towns.

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