Open Doors Arizona - February 2019 by Jonathan Himlin

CONTENTS | FEB | 2019

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SPOTLIGHT

What Would Cupid Do? Valentine’s Day Tips for Couples or Singles Practicing Self-Care this Valentine’s Day; Go Ahead and Indulge

OUTDOOR SPACES

Fact Check Your Outdoor Living Space

CRAFT

Valentine’s Day Applesauce Love Bugs

HAPPY HOUR

Five Great Pairings with Valentine’s Bubbly

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SPOTLIGHT

What Would Cupid Do? Valen for Couples or Singles

A relationship expert offer

By Diana Kirschner, PhD Diana Kirschner, PhD, is a psychologist who has helped thousands of singles, couples and families to create love, success and harmony in their lives for more than 25 years.

Q: What suggestions do you have for long-term couples to keep the romance in their relationship? Dr. Kirschner: Research shows that great passion and romance can be present even in couples married over 20 years. So, how do these happily-in-love couples do it? One technique to keep a great romance going is for the spouses/partners to act like they are having an affair with each other. Yes, with each other. Think about what happens in an extramarital affair - teasing and flirting. The excitement of an affair pivots on gestures that aren’t consummated - the lingering touch, the sweet nibble on the ear, the deep kiss, the suggestive glance that may or may not go any further. There is a playful novelty and uncertainty that drive up dopamine, the falling-in-love brain chemical which, in turn, creates anticipation, excitement and focus on the beloved. Infatuation sizzles. So, get into that same frame of mind with your partner/ spouse. Q: What if any impacts are social media outlets such as Facebook and Twitter having on our romantic relationships? Do you have any advice about constructive ways to use them (or not) on Valentine’s Day? Dr. Kirschner: Social media have definitely impacted our romantic relationships both on the downside and the upside. One downside is that social media can become seriously addictive and time-consuming and can drain attention away from your partner and cut into quality time for couples. If this is the case, one great thing to do on Valentine’s Day is to go cold turkey on the social media and give creative romantic attention to your significant other.

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A second downside to social media is that after you break up with someone, news about them may continue to pop up on your Twitter or Facebook feed. Be sure to unfriend your ex on Facebook and untag and remove their photos, and unfollow them on Twitter. In this way, you can avoid being constantly reminded of them and you will move on that much faster.

ntine’s Day Tips

rs ideas for avoiding pitfalls and enjoying the day.

On the other hand, there are upsides to using social media for finding romance. First, singles have found lost loves and discovered potentially new ones on sites like Facebook. Second, you can create a large and supportive social network. On Valentine’s Day, look through your social media friends to see who might want to celebrate or connect with you. You can put out a message to your friends on Valentine’s Day asking them to help find you a wonderful partner. >>>>

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SPOTLIGHT

Q: Valentine’s Day can be tough on single folks not currently dating or in a relationship. What advice do you have to help these people have a positive experience and not ruminate on being solo? Dr. Kirschner: There’s little doubt that Valentine’s Day can be tough on singles who are subjected to this culture’s fairy tales about love, rampant commercialism and Hollywood movies. Taken together, these cultural forces have created unrealistic expectations for what’s supposed to happen on this day. Couples are portrayed as so much happier than singles. While it’s true that happily married couples enjoy greater health and happiness than any other group, in many studies the findings show that singles, or at least single women, are just about as happy and healthy as their married counterparts when they have a strong and supportive social network. So, if you are single, try to remember that the grass is not always greener for those who have partners.

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Here then are four tips to make your Valentine’s Day memorable and festive: 1. Get together with friends to celebrate and toast yourselves and all your wonderful qualities and accomplishments. 2. Throw a party, dinner or get-together, dance, laugh and let each other know how special you are. 3. Have each of your friends create a gratitude list of 10 things they appreciate about their lives. Take turns reading your lists aloud. Be sure to have some bubbly or sparkling cider on hand to make it festive. 4. Take in a great movie; go to a comedy show or a play with your posse. In short, put your attention on the loving friends you do have. Have fun and enjoy the love you share with them. Q: Is there a way for parents to integrate their children into their Valentine’s Day celebration or should the celebration focus on the couple only?

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There’s little doubt that Valentine’s Day can be tough on singles who are subjected to this culture’s fairy tales about love, rampant commercialism and Hollywood movies. Taken together, these cultural forces have created unrealistic expectations for what’s supposed to happen on this day.

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Dr. Kirschner: It is sweet to incorporate the children into some Valentine’s Day ritual, perhaps with special treats or cards. But the real attention, focus and bulk of the time should be about the couple celebrating their romance—without the children. Research shows that couple alone time is a marker for relationship satisfaction and happiness. Seeing the parents go off on their date and being in love gives the children great role models. Get a sitter and enjoy yourselves. Go out on a date that is not the same old, same old. Try rock-climbing indoors, cross-country skiing, a comedy club or anything to get the blood moving and the dopamine rising. If you can’t leave the house, get a sitter for the children and tell everyone you are not to be disturbed. Rent a sexy movie, dim the lights and have fun. Q: Do you see any danger in focusing too much on this one day as a means of expressing love? Dr. Kirschner: Absolutely. The advertising industry holds up an image of the perfect Valentine’s Day experience, with flowery cards, fancy chocolates, uber-romantic dinners, and, of course, a dozen red roses. All of which can be very difficult to create in real life, all on this one special day (which may coincide with heavy responsibilities at work, family needs, financial constraints or other real life demands). As a result, expectations are raised and often not met. Unmet expectations can have a negative impact on a love relationship. Furthermore, disappointment can lead to arguments, the silent treatment and emotional distancing. So, Valentine’s Day, with its commercialistic to-do list, can boomerang on lovers.

Instead, this year, declare your Valentine’s Day celebration to be on a day when both of you are relatively free. It might be the Friday, Saturday or Sunday before or the next weekend. Make an exciting date in the next few weeks and I do mean exciting. So, when you go to the restaurant with the sensual belly-dancing, tell the waiter that you are celebrating Valentine’s Day and put a smile on everyone’s face. The American Psychological Association, in Washington, D.C., is the largest scientific and professional organization representing psychology in the United States and is the world’s largest association of psychologists. APA’s membership includes more than 150,000 researchers, educators, clinicians, consultants and students. Through its divisions in 54 subfields of psychology and affiliations with 60 state, territorial and Canadian provincial associations, APA works to advance psychology as a science, as a profession and as a means of promoting health, education and human welfare.

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SPOTLIGHT

Practicing Self-Care this Valentine’s Day; Go Ahead and Indulge (I promise you, it’s not selfish!)

By Goali Saedi Bocci, Ph.D. Goali Saedi Bocci, Ph.D., received her doctorate degree in Clinical Psychology from the University of Notre Dame. In Print: The Social Media Workbook for Teens: Skills to Help You Balance Screen Time, Manage Stress, and Take Charge of Your Life Online: www.drgoali.com

The national day of hearts, romance, and roses has always been a favorite of mine. Despite experiencing singledom for most of my Valentine’s Days while on this planet, the idea of universal love and emanating these positive feelings for a day has always filled my heart. In actuality, I wish it were Valentine’s Day every day! However, too often as we focus on loved ones, friends and family, we are quick to dismiss the importance of showering this love right back onto ourselves. We are so busy in modern times and now distracted with our devices that rarely do we take a moment to step back and assess what our needs are. In Ashley Davis Bush’s artfully written, Simple Self-Care for Therapists, she writes that too often we are quick to feel selfish or guilty for taking time to take care of ourselves. However, when we neglect this critical task, we also risk depleting ourselves, essentially running on empty. The more burnt out we are, the worse our interactions with our loved ones, our work, and in the end, we suffer. One of the greatest impediments to self-care naturally is time. While we often think that things like engaging in hobbies or exercise is simply too time-consuming (or expensive), it is about learning how to weave these practices into our every day on the micro and macro level. Many of us are familiar with the macro level. We may (or may not!) take vacations once a year, we might get the occasional mas-

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sage or do an annual spa treatment. We may consider prioritizing our sleep, our diet and exercise. In fact, some may consider the sheer act of doing well on these domains as self-care enough. While it’s a good start, it’s also about the micro practices. The inclusion of micro self-care practices is critical. Think about it. What do you do in a given day? Perhaps get up to a blaring alarm (semi-traumatic), stumble through the house, deal with mini-crises induced by missing shoes, spilled juice and any other host of things. Then you get on the road (the bane of my existence) and deal with aggressive drivers, traffic and general misery. NOW, you are just starting your day. You haven’t even checked email yet and the stress response is already high. Micro self-care practices help to combat just this. They begin at the start of the day and go all the way to the end. Think about your best mornings. What have they looked like? Perhaps you woke up a half hour early. Maybe even ten minutes. It may have been just long enough to have you up before the noise of the rest of the house. You might have read a few pages of the newspaper, had a cup of coffee, or just sat by the fireplace and aimlessly stared off into space. Whatever it was, it was a brief, sacred moment just for you.

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One of the greatest impediments to self-care naturally is time. While we often think that things like engaging in hobbies or exercise is simply too time-consuming (or expensive), it is about learning how to weave these practices into our every day on the micro and macro level.

SPOTLIGHT

What about the work day? What are the simple things that make the unpleasant more enjoyable? Maybe it is soft background music, perhaps you dim the lights. I love turning my fountain on in my office every day when I get inside. Micro self-care also encourages you to tune into the transitional moments that we all have in our workdays. For therapists, the transition is between clients. For others it may be between customers or a break period. What do you do with that short amount of time to really make it worth your while? Meditation apps? Read a few short pages from a favorite book? Knitting? I’ve seen folks do all of them in past work settings. All I had to do was circle our counseling center once around the lunch hour and I saw all sorts of lovely self-care taking place.

aging the Frappuccino with double whip. But she allows you to indulge. I used to have a small piece of dark chocolate with tea every afternoon that somehow in the busyness of life got completely neglected. So often in an attempt to be “healthy” we end up depriving ourselves of the small things that can bring us so much joy.

Lunchtime is also an important part of the ritual of self-care. As much as I love the convenience of eating out, there is something about a nutritious meal you have made with love for yourself that simply can’t compete with the Freshii bowl. Depending on the length of the lunch hour you might take a power nap, or connect on the phone with a loved one. Again, these activities can and will look different for various folks. What might be relaxing to one person is a nightmare to someone else.

Perhaps put most simply, self-care is about choosing joy. It’s about not feeling guilty or badly, but knowing it is essential to our vivacity. Self-care is every day but also requires planning. Maybe you decide you finally need to make weekly yoga a habit. Or you sign up for the massage package. But you also fill your work drawer with your knitting needles, aromatherapy scents, and puzzles. However you do it, give it some serious consideration. It’s not just you that benefits. It’s your loved ones, family, coworkers, and if I dare say it, the world at large. Happy Valentine’s Day!

One of my favorite simple ideas from Bush’s guide is the afternoon beverage ritual. While our society has essentially shamed us out of a Starbucks habit due to excess sugars and chemicals, Bush encourages us to savor our afternoon treat. No, she is not encour-

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Finally, the end of the day is critical in rejuvenating us. Safely in the haven of home, the choices we make here are also deeply impactful. Do we lounge in front of the tv for 3 hours, or do we go for a walk around the block? Is dinner fast food or nutritious? Do we stay up late and repeat the cycle of exhaustion, or prepare ourselves for an energizing day ahead?

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OUTDOOR SPACES

Fact Check Your Outdoor Living Space By Anesia St. Clair Anesia is a licensed contractor and owns Pure Patio, a design center and retail store in Goodyear, Arizona.

When I meet people that have moved here from other states, or have just moved into a new house and are ready to use the outdoor space, there is a common theme of concerns they have about furnishing their back yard: • Am I going to spend money on furniture that’s not going to last in this climate? • If I spend more money, will it make a difference? • Is my furniture always going to be dirty, and then will I even want to use it? • Do I need to cover my furniture, bring the cushions in, worry about the rain, or can I just leave it alone? Some folks forego outdoor furniture altogether because they believe it’s going to be too much of a maintenance headache, or that they are just wasting money if they buy it at all. Many people look for options that have no cushions because they assume they will be too much work or will go bad right away. They end up with uncomfortable furniture that fills the space but they don’t want to sit in it. These are all valid thoughts and concerns! Let’s separate some of the myth from fact and gain some clarity on what’s possible for your back yard here in Arizona. You can furnish your outdoor space and enjoy it for many years, but you’re going to need to buy smart and do a little work along the way.

ity finish or it will look chalky, peel, and rust. Wood furniture works only with a considerable amount of maintenance. Fabric other than Sunbrella will fade in one year and then start to wear through. Low quality cushion foam will fill with dirt or harden and crumble. Real wicker will disintegrate. You want to consider what the furniture is made of, and how it’s made when deciding if it’s worth the money you spend.

Fact: You could spend money on patio furniture and throw it away in a year. Our climate is harsh and many products that are sold here will not withstand the elements. Metal furniture must have a high-qual-

Fact: Spending more upfront costs you less over time. Outdoor furniture is one of those “you get what you pay for” categories of products. It’s about utilizing technology. When you buy higher quality pieces that will last for many years, you will spend

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then, the frames will quite possibly be in good condition and you may be in the market for only replacement cushions. By then you’ll be ready for a color change and will be excited for new fabric. Fact: Arizona is dusty, and your outdoor furniture will get dirty. Our climate is dry and our dirt is loose. Breezy air kicks up the dust and it lands everywhere around us, inside and out. Wiping the dust inside our homes is a daily task. Sometimes we wonder where it all comes from and if it will ever end. Imagine how dusty your home would be if you left the windows open all of the time. By having furniture outside, we must accept that it will get dusty every day (even more than indoors) and it requires regular cleaning. Set yourself up for success by making cleaning as convenient as possible. Install a hose bib in a location close to the patio, buy a hose that’s long enough to reach everything without needing to pull on it super hard or tug it around corners, and buy a quality spray nozzle with adjustable settings. Buy a bucket you can fill with water. Have 4-5 microfiber rags handy to use outside. Consider a powerful leaf blower with a rechargeable battery and choose an outlet in the house or garage where you’ll keep the charger. Get an extra battery so you have one on the blower and one on the char-

“ more upfront, but the cost is much less than what you would spend on replacement sets of a lower quality. Spending more generally gets you Sunbrella fabric, quality foam, welded metal that has multiple coats of paint or powder coating finished with a clear coat, composite material that is nearly indestructible, or resin that is UV treated and colorfast. Beware of wrought iron that may cost a lot and feel substantial yet will rust through the finish quickly. Consider any dining or conversation set under $2,000 to be temporary furniture that will need to be replaced soon. Would you rather replace it with another similar set and spend $4,000 over three years or spend $4,000 on furniture that lasts 10 years? Even

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Consider any dining or conversation set under $2,000 to be temporary furniture that will need to be replaced soon. Would you rather replace it with another similar set and spend $4,000 over three years or spend $4,000 on furniture that lasts 10 years? OPE N D O OR S A R I Z ONA | F E B 2 0 1 9

OUTDOOR SPACES

ger at all times. Locate an outlet outside where you can plug in the vacuum cleaner and have an extension cord ready if you need it. If someone cleans your house for you, be sure to specify what you need done outside so it’s not overlooked. Fact: The more you take care of your furniture, the longer you will enjoy it. Should you cover your outdoor furniture? The answer depends on how much you’re using it. If you have a pool and use your furniture year ‘round, covering and uncovering on a regular basis will be inconvenient and you’re not likely to keep up with it. If you live here seasonally, it’s a great idea to cover it when you leave town, move it into the garage, or put the cushions inside the house. If you live here all the time but won’t be outside during the hottest months, leave the furniture in place or move it to the covered patio, and cover it. This will protect it from dust and sun and will extend the life of it for sure. Can you leave your furniture out in the rain? Yes, but it’s not ideal. The frames can definitely be rained on time and time again with-

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If you live here all the time but won’t be outside during the hottest months, leave the furniture in place or move it to the covered patio, and cover it. This will protect it from dust and sun and will extend the life of it for sure.

OUTDOOR SPACES

out any issues. If possible, bring your cushions to the covered patio before it rains. The problem with rain is it often rains a relatively small amount. It will wet your cushions just enough to turn the dust to mud, push some of the dirt into the foam, but not enough to wash the dirt all the way through and out of the foam. If your cushions get rained on, after the rain, go ahead and hose your cushions with a lot of water to wash them completely out. Unzip the fabric but leave it in place. Wash until you see water streaming out clear from the open zippered side. Stand the cushions on end to dry for a day then put them back on the frames. Soap is typically not needed to keep the furniture clean. Wipe the frames with a wet rag and rinse the rag in a bucket of water as you wipe. If the furniture is very dirty, you can certainly use soap, but be sure to wipe again with clean water to remove the residue. Any time soap is applied to fabric, be sure to apply a fabric guard after it’s dry. This will help seal the fabric fibers and prevent dirt from adhering or penetrating. Just like when cleaning frames, be sure to wash any soap residue completely out of the fabric and foam.

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When considering furniture for your yard, do your best to evaluate the quality and consider replacement costs versus spending more for better pieces. The trend today is blending the indoors and outdoors. If you budget for a quality line, there are many design options, different construction materials, and fabric colors are limitless. You can create an outdoor living space that is beautiful, long lasting, and that you’ll use daily during nice weather. When you get the supplies in place to clean and maintain the furniture, decide how frequently you’re going to clean it. Remember that the outside is dirtier than your kitchen and living room and balance your efforts with how often you want to sit out. Add the patio into your cleaning routine or have your cleaning service add it to their scheduled tasks. Buy smart, have a maintenance plan, and enjoy living outdoors!

CRAFT

Valentine’s Day Applesauce By Vanessa Coppola Visit www.seevanessacraft.com for more crafts and recipes.

Make a batch of applesauce love bugs for Valentine’s Day! They are easy to make and only require a few craft supplies that you likely already have on hand. Make them for a classroom party or gift to friends for a unique Valentine idea. INGREDIENTS Strawberry Applesauce Googly Eyes Pom Poms Pipe Cleaners Hot Glue Gun

INSTRUCTIONS Step 1: Turn the sealed applesauce cup upside down. Attach the googly eyes and a small pom pom to the applesauce cup with hot glue, as shown in the photo. Step 2: Attach 2 pipe cleaners (1 ½” long) to the top of the love bug with hot glue. A little tip for attaching the pipe cleaners to the applesauce cup is to fold a small piece of the pipe cleaner and glue that folded piece to the cup, holding it in place until the hot glue dries. Step 3: Add 2 medium pom poms to the top of the pipe cleaners with hot glue. Step 4: Gift to your favorite love bug for Valentine’s Day!

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e Love Bugs

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HAPPY HOUR

Five Great Pairings With Valenti By Robert Whitley You can find more reviews from Robert Whitley and other talented writers at www.winereviewonline.com.

We can all agree that Champagne adds a bit of sparkle to Valentine’s Day. A box of chocolates will get high marks, too. So far so good, right? Until you take a bite of chocolate with a sip of Champagne. That’s when the Valentine’s mood is likely to sour. Champagne and chocolate – a traditional combination on Valentine’s Day – simply do not mix. The sweetness of the chocolate will make even the finest Champagne taste harsh and acidic, hardly a match made in heaven. So, what to do? First of all, if chocolates are a must, then shy away from a brut Champagne or any other sparkling brut, no matter its reputation. A sweet Italian bubbly such as Brachetto d’Acqui, a red wine that shows bright raspberry and strawberry flavors, is excellent with chocolates. But if Champagne (or its domestic equivalent) is a must, think an elegant dining experience with food selections that actually work with Champagne.

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ine’s Bubbly

Here are five suggestions that are sure to win hearts and tummies. 1. Lobster with drawn butter. It’s special, a real treat for ordinary folk, and it pairs nicely with the earthiness you will find in an older Champagne or sparkling wine. 2. Caviar is the quintessential food pairing with Champagne and, like lobster, for most of us it’s a rare treat, the sort of thing that will make your Valentine’s Day memorable. 3. Smoked salmon on toast points bring out the smoky, savory notes inherent in the finest Champagne. 4. Oysters on the half shell are a classic with Champagne, which plays off the briny, salty, earthiness of the oyster and cleanses the palate like no other wine can. 5. Potato chips, I kid you not, are one of the great matches with Champagne. It’s the salt. Champagne loves salt. Just try it! And here are a couple of bubbly beauties to get you started: Moet & Chandon 2008 Grand Vintage Brut, Champagne ($65) and Domaine Carneros by Taittinger 2013 Brut, Carneros ($33).

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