January08 issue

******A Free Magazine******

Issue 10 January 2008

Costa Blanca North Issue

Happy New Year 2008

Warning This publication is aimed at open minded non-bigoted adult readers.

The stories contained in it are satire and parody and are ‘almost’ all fictitious.

Welcome to 2008 Smuggler Company Policy: Effective from January 2008 Dress Code It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

Bereavement Leave This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers.

Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Toilet Use Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls.

At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience.

Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management

To Advertise in The Smuggler.

Paul 690345135 John 646472039 Office 962855878 Fax 962855878 Email paul@thesmuggler.es

The Smuggler takes no responsibility whatsoever on behalf of advertisers with regard to any claims made by, or information given in, advertisements contained within this publication. Under no circumstances can any part of this publication including text, illustrations, photographs or complete advertisements, be reproduced in any form without the express permission in writing of The Smuggler editor.

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Letters to The Editor Dear Ed Me and a friend had a laugh in Banesto the other day. We share an apartment and have been saving all our loose change in a big bottle. With Christmas coming up we decided to ‘cash it in’ and took it to said bank to be counted and exchanged for notes. The lady said as we do not have an account there would be a €2 charge. I said, “How much would it be if we had an account?”

She replied, “Oh, that would be free,” “How much does it cost to open an account?” I enquired.

“Nothing, it’s free,” “And how much does it cost to close an account?”

“Erm…nothing. That’s also free,” Seeing where this conversation was heading, she got up out of her seat, came out and got the bottle, emptied it into their counting machine and gave us our notes. Her last words were to us were, “See you next year!”

Tosh, via email.

Who’d pay a euro for that?”

“Some of the customers here do!” he replied.

“Why?!”

“Because that’s what I charge them,” he calmly answered.

Mike Taylor, address withheld.

Dear Ed I was ordering a meal in a restaurant near Ondara when I asked the waitress if the soup had any meat in it.

“Not really,” she replied.

Shirley Aden, Oliva Dear Ed I had an appointment in a local government office. I absentmindedly left my briefcase in a public waiting area. When I realised my mistake I went looking for my briefcase but couldn’t find it. I eventually tracked down the caretaker who told me, “Ah yes, I saw it, thought it might be a bomb, so I put it in my office,” Darren Chase, Calpe.

Ed says: Good work if you can get it!

Dear Ed I was having a conversation with my friend’s wife and the Dear Ed subject of how expensive petWas having my shopping added rol is nowadays came up. She up at an English supermarket breezily informed me that the that I’d better not name, when price rises don’t affect her. the cashier looked at my copy “Why not?” I asked. of The Euro Weekly News and “Because I always put just €20 asked, “Is that paper a euro?” in,” she happily explained.

I said, “Of course not, it’s free. Name & address withheld (to

protect the stupid).

Dear Ed I work for a large company that sells a lot of Spanish property to English people. We had a couple in last week looking for an apartment. After getting all their requirements I recommended they look at some drawings of an apartment block that would soon be built near Valencia. As we were going through the drawings I heard the wife ask the husband, “How do they know how to draw it if it hasn’t been built yet?

Name & address withheld.

Dear Ed I feel I must take issue with your publication over Cyd the Cynic’s recent comments on one of the works of Shakespeare. He may think he was being funny but he was just showing his own ignorance.

Shakespeare was writing in a different version of English, and as such cannot be evaluated by using meaning attributed to today’s language.

Alan K Yoroth, Teulada.

Dear Mr Yoroth I agree. The Smuggler is a serious scholarly work and should be taken seriously. It is not a vehicle for satirical humour. I will speak to Cyd about the points raised in your letter.

While I am at it, I will also try

Email your letters to editor@thesmuggler.es or Fax your letters to 962 855 878 The Editor has total discretion over which letters are printed ‘because he’s the Boss’.

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to convince him that Clive Dunn’s song Grandad is a fine piece of music which just cannot be judged by today’s standard of music. You just have to mentally translate all the words and rhythms into something that sounds good.

none other than my parents. “I was like five minutes into this porno called Horny Housewives 4 when I thought to myself, hey, that sofa looks a lot like ours. ‘Oh crap it is’ I remember the horror overcoming me when realised the woman bent over the couch Dear Ed was my mother and the guy Greatly enjoy your magazine giving it to her was my father. I but do not always get all the instantly pulled my trousers jokes. Is there some resource I back up and vomited. could use to help me underB Warking stand them?

Piles Tony Stanhope, London.

Dear Be Warking Dear Mr Stanhope Yes – located in your skull.

I am really disappointed in you.

You could have at least enclosed the Porno in your letter.

ED

Dear Editor I was severely traumatised after Dear Ed discovering the stars of a I came home from work early downloaded porno flick were

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the other day to find my six year old twins screaming and their mother having a heart attack I dialled 112 and the operator told me the ambulance was on its way. As I was reassuring my wife the kids told me that their uncle Stewart was hiding in the closet with no clothes on. Can you imagine the way I felt, my wife lying having a heart attack and my stupid brother running around the house naked scaring the kids.

F Dumby

Cyd the Cynic/From England, With Love Right, that’s it! You can push someone too far, you know!

We’ve forgiven them Oprah, Paris and Britney.

We’ve forgiven them for McDonald’s, Burger King and ‘french fries’.

We’ve given them a language.

We’ve given them a country.

I’ll even go so far as to forgive them for Bush, but defeating our Hatton? Well that’s just beyond redemption.

Therefore, it is my duty to inform you that this morning I have been in contact with both Her Majesty The Queen and the American Ambassador in London, and have set in motion the immediate revocation of the independence of America.

Below are some of the new laws which will be brought into immediate effect: Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume all monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she doesn’t fancy.

Your new Prime Minister (The Rt. Hon. Gordon Brown MP, for the 99% of Americans who know nothing of the world outside their borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and Senate will cease to exist.

We will circulate a questionnaire next year to see if anyone noticed. I imagine your position in the pecking order of countries in the ‘United Kingdom’ will probably be

somewhere just below Wales.

All Americans should look up the word ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary.

Then they should look up the word ‘aluminium’. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed just how wrongly you have been saying it all these years! And while we’re on the subject of English, I should also point out that you all need to raise your standards generally.

Look up ‘vocabulary’. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with mindless pap like ‘I guess’, ‘gee’, ‘you know’ and ‘like’ is unacceptable. Look up ‘interspersed’.

Your new national anthem, God Save The Queen, can only be sung by those who have fully taken on board all the points mentioned above about learning vocabulary.

We wouldn’t want you to get confused half way through and give up.

There is no such thing as ‘US English’. We will inform Microsoft on your behalf.

All Americans are to take lessons in how to tell the difference between an English accent and an Australian one.

It’s really not that hard.

Hollywood will be required to cast the occasional English actor as a good guy.

‘American’ football is banned.

There is only one kind of football, and that is the game you should all be playing. For the one percent of you who realise there is a world outside your borders, surely 5

you’ve noticed no one else in the world plays ‘American’ football. Also, there is no such word as ‘soccer’. It is just ‘football’. To start your football playing days off it will probably be better if you begin playing with the girls, as it is a difficult game, needing a certain amount of skill and thought. So start easy, and work your way up.

Those of you who are brave enough will be allowed, in time, to play ‘rugby’. Rugby is similar to ‘American’ football, only you don’t get a break every few minutes and it’s not played wearing full Kevlar body amour. We are hoping to get a rugby sevens league up and running by 2015, but I remain doubtful.

You are also banned from going on about baseball. It isn’t baseball; it’s rounders. In England, it’s played by girls.

Usually girls under the age of twelve. And don’t tell me about how you won the World Series. World Series?! Excuse me, but who the hell else in the world took part in the ‘World Series? Answer me that.

Please don’t worry. You will at no point be forced to watch, play or in any other manner be involved with cricket.

You will however be required to ‘queue up’, not ‘stand in line’ while waiting to be served.

We will be declaring war on Quebec and France, as they are the real bad guys. Not Russia. Look up ‘merde’ in a French/English dictionary.

July 4th is no longer a national holiday. It will be replaced by April 1st, and it will be known as ‘Bush’ day. And while we’re on the subject of dates, it will become a crime to write the date down in any other order apart from day/month/year.

Punishable by an immediate cessation of chewing gum ration.

All American cars are hereby banned. This is for your own good. As you become acquainted with German cars you will come to understand this.

I’m sorry, but I’ve got to mention it again. World Series?!

How on earth can it be a World Series? Doesn’t anyone in the entire American nation ever stop and ask, “Just one Goddamn rootin’ tootin’ minute! Why are we calling this thing a ‘World Series’, when clearly no one else in the world even gives a fart, let alone takes part?”

The word ‘diapers’ is banned.

What the hell are ‘diapers’?

Please, they are called nappies.

And while we’re on the subject of banning words, let’s get rid of ‘faucet’, ‘candy’, ‘realtor’, ‘rotunda’, ‘sassy’, ‘math’, ‘sidewalk’ and ‘checkers’.

And let’s start getting the spelling of words right too, shall we? It’s honour, not honor, theatre, not theater and colour, not color.

The wearing of stupid striped or checked ‘Rupert Bear’ type trousers is banned. Punishable by confiscation of the offenders TV guide.

The second amendment is hereby revoked. ‘The Right To Bear Arms’? Fucking ridicu-

nearly over before the Americans even show up. However, it is anticipated that invasion will not be needed. Simply the threat of losing the British people as being the only race on earth not to hate the Americans will probably be enough to bring about total collaboration.

In the future, once you have proven yourself worthy of full inclusion into the British fold, you will be allowed certain privileges. For example, we may let your people fight for us in wars, or if we need cheap labour we’ll let you work in the UK as long as you live in certain designated slum areas, such In order to implement the above act, force will be used if as Birmingham or Luton. required. The plan is to invade I hope you all accept that this via Canada – the worlds long- great American ‘experiment’ est unprotected border – and has failed, enter into the spirit then take over key infrastruc- of this new enterprise, and begin to enjoy all the rights and ture – all McDonald’s, doughprivileges to which is every nut production facilities and British citizen is entitled – such shopping malls will be taken over. We have no fear of the as having celebrities you can American Armed Services, be- look up to, national sport cause research has shown that teams that consistently perform well, first class health and as we will be an enemy force medical care and the love and we will not be susceptible to their most powerful weapon – respect of almost every other friendly fire. Also, if history is nation on earth.

GOD SAVE THE QUEEN. any guide, the war will be

lous! The only people in future who are allowed guns will be us. If there is any complaint that we are infringing your constitutional rights we will let you ‘bear arms’. Short-sleeved shirts will be on sale at all branches of Marks & Spencer’s (originally ‘Macy’s’).

And you have to tell us what really happened to JFK. It’s been driving us crazy for years.

Also, what’s the score with Area 51? Do you really have alien technology? Is Elvis alive or dead? What happened at Roswell? Who really shot JR? Is Kermit really a talking frog?

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Fancy dress farce.

A guy decides to have a party where his guests are asked to come as different emotions e.g. fear etc.

On the night of the party, the First guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a guy covered in green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest.

He says to this guy, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?"

The guy says, "I'm green with NV". The host replies, "Brilliant, come on in and have a drink".

A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa Wrapped around her most intimate parts. He says to this woman "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?"

She replies, "I'm tickled pink".

The host says, "I love it, come on in and join the party". A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time, and the host opens the door to see two Irish blokes, Paddy and Mick, standing stark naked one with his knob in a bowl of custard, and the other with his knob stuck in a pear.

The host is really shocked and says, "Well, what the hell are you both doing? You could get arrested standing like that out there in the street.

Anyhow what emotion is this supposed to be?!?!

Paddy replies, "Well, Oim fokn

discustard, and Mick here has just come in despair".

French fart.

A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, the French captured an English Major. Taking the Major to their headquarters, the French General began to question him.

The French General asked, "Why do you English officers all wear red coats?

Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"

In his bland English way, the Major informed the general that the reason English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the bloodwon't show Tel: and the men they are leading won't panic.

And that is why, from that day until now, all French Army followed suit.

Officers wear brown pants.

"I hope that helps you," the Naval officer said ..............

Falklands Vet. And the man replied, A one-legged man with one eye "Gracias, Senor." covered by an eye patch stood Oxo on the street at the entrance to a busy London tube station. I was in Tesco the other day He was holding a basket and buying Oxo Cubes. They had around his neck was a sign chicken, beef, lamb, vegetable reading, "Help a starving and one with a St George's veteran of the Falklands cross on it. I said: "What's that campaign." one?" The assistant replied: A naval officer stopped and "That's a new one we've just read the sign, and began launched - it's a Laughing shouting at the passing pedes- Stock!" trians: "Does it mean nothing to you that a veteran of the Falklands campaign is starving? Have you no gratitude for his sacrifices?" He put a 50 pound note in the man's basket and several people

Are you concerned about your child's level of English?

Qualified English teacher available.

690 34 51 35

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New Year Wishes from Steve Lorna and Family

Blonde's Again

It's guys like you who keep women like me from being A young ventriloquist is touring respected at work and in the the clubs and one night he's community, and from reaching doing a show in a small town in our full potential as a person.

Arkansas. With his dummy on Because you and your kind his knee, he starts going continue to perpetuate disthrough his usual dumb blonde crimination against not only jokes. Suddenly, a blonde blondes, but women in genwoman in the 4th row stands eral...and all in the name of on her chair and starts shout- humor!" The embarrassed vening: "I've heard enough of your triloquist begins to apologize, stupid blonde jokes. What and the blonde yells "You stay makes you think you can steout of this, mister! I'm talking reo type women that way? to that little shit on your knee".

What does the colour of a Whoops a Daisy person's hair have to do with A young ensign is working late her worth as a human being?

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at the Pentagon one evening.

As he clocks out of his office at about 20.00 hrs he sees the Admiral standing by the classified document shredder in the hallway, a piece of paper in his hand.''Do you know how to work this thing?'' the Admiral asks. ''My secretary's gone home and I don't know how to run it.'' ''Yes, Sir,'' says the young ensign, who turns on the machine, takes the paper from the Admiral, and feeds it in. ''Thanks,'' says the Admiral, ''I just need one copy....''

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Boaby & Davy go to France (Co-joined Twins) An on duty Gendarme spots a hire car approaching the Champs Elysees with a rear light out. He beckons the driver to pull over, which he does and winds his window down. The Officer has a good look inside the car and notices that the driver and passenger are co-joined twins, Boaby & Davy. Instead of making an issue over the light out situation he begins to engage in some friendly chat.

Gendarme: Ah, you are on holiday my friends?

9 yearz.

wines and cognac, surely.

Gendarme: So I guess you come to France to get away from ze rainy weather you have in Ecosse?

Davy: Yer swally's boggin, we've hid tae bring a kerry oot.

In't that right Boaby?

Davy: Naw man, it nearly always pishes doon when we cum here. Yer weather's nae better 'an oors, in't that right Boaby?

Boaby: Aye.

Boaby: Aye. Gendarme (by now ever so slightly bemused): Well in that case you must be here to see the Parisienne madamoiselles, ze most beautiful women in Europe.

Gendarme: Zen I take it you Davy: Yer kiddin in't ye! yur are here to enjoy our delicious burdz here are dogs, ah widnae French food, very healthy. touch them wae yours big yin.

Davy: Naw, yer food's rotten big man, everything reeks o' manky garlic. We've brought a box full of pieces te avoid eating yur crap.

Davy: Aye, right enough big yin.

Gendarme: Zen you must be We've bin cuming every November weekend fir the last here to drink our famous

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Gendarme (by now rather irate): Zen why do you people come to our country if everysing ees so bad?

Boaby: It's the ainly chance oor Davy gets tae drive!

Prawns Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea. One called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten." A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted" Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad

plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. (The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark", came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate, memories

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came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again." Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me.

You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner." Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me.

I've changed."

"I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian".

Personal Advert Young attractive male seeks female dive buddy for shared recreation and friendship, must have boat. Please sent photo of boat.

CHINESE PROVERBS had given their new wives du*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ties.Terry had married a Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Panties not best thing on earth!

But next to best thing on earth.

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

woman from America, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and housework. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

John had married a woman from Canada. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better.

By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man (It's best he remain nameless) had married a English lass from Leeds . He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, on the third day, most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. Enough to make himself a sandwich, load the dishwasher, and call a landscaper.

RECTUM STRETCHER

Three Hairy Men.

While she was 'flying' down the road yesterThree men were sitting together bragging about how they day, a Woman passed 12

over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, 'What's your hurry?'

To which she replied, 'I'm late for work.'

'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'

'I'm a rectum stretcher,' she responded.

The cop stammered, 'A what?

A rectum Stretcher?

And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'

'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide.'

'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot arsehole?' he asked 'You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge...'

Traffic Ticket ÂŁ95.00 Court Costs ÂŁ45.00

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NOTIFICATION OF COMPULSORY ENLISTMENT

* Boots (or a pair of sturdy trainers) * Gas mask * Map of the combat zone (the Under the Emergency Powers Ordinance Survey 1:2800 OutAct (1939) as amended by the door Leisure Map Defence Act (1978), you are of Iraq will do) hereby notified that you are * Rifle required to place yourself on * Ammunition (preferably to standby for possible compulsuit previous item) sory military service in the * Suntan oil American Conflict.

If you are in a position to afYou may shortly be ordered to ford it, we would like you to buy a tank (Vickers Defence of depart for the Middle East Banbury are currently offering where you will join either the 3rd Battalion The Queen'sOwn all new conscripts a 0% Suicidal Conscripts or the 2nd finance deal on all X registraFoot and Mouth. The regulars tion Chieftains, but hurry, as offer is only available whilst are too busy driving Green stocks last).

Goddesses to be there themWe would like to reassure you selves.

Due to the recent rundown of that in the unlikely event of anything going wrong, you will the Navy and the refusal of receive a free burial in the P&O to lend us any of their graveyard of your choice, and liners, because of the deploryour next of kin will be entitled able state in which they were to the new War Widows penreturned after the Falklands adventure, it will be necessary sion of ÂŁ1.75 per calendar for you to make your own way month, index-linked but subject to means testing, and fully to the combat zone.

H.M. Government have been able to negotiate a 20% discount on one way trips with Virgin Airlines and you are strongly urged to take advantage of this offer (Ryan Air also do a nice little ÂŁ9.99 trip). Because of cutbacks in Government expenditure in recent years it will be necessary for you to provide yourself with the following equipment as soon as possible: * Combat Jacket * Trousers (preferably khaki but please no denim) * Tin helmet 14

repayable should our side eventually lose.

There may be little time for formal military training before your departure and so we advise that you hire videos of the following films and try and pick up a few tips as you watch: * The Guns of Navarone * Kelly's Heroes * A Bridge to Far * The Longest Day * Apocalypse Now * The Matrix * Blazing Saddles * The Desert Song * Mary Poppins We do not recommend that you watch Khartoum.

To mentally prepare yourself for your mission try reading the works of Wilfred Owen or Rupert Brookes. This should give you some idea of what may be involved.

Yours faithfully, G Hoon, Ministry of Defence.

A Bush - Blair Production

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They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, A young family moved into a which thrilled her immensely. house next door to an empty At the end of the first week, plot. One day, a gang of build- the smiling builders presented ing workers turned up to start her with a pay envelope - conbuilding on the plot. taining two pounds in 10p The young family's 5-year-old coins. The little girl took her daughter naturally took an in- 'pay' home to her mother terest in all the activity going who suggested that they take on next door and started talk- the money to the bank the ing with the workers. next day to open a savings acShe hung around and eventucount. ally the builders, all with hearts At the bank, the female cashier of gold, more or less adopted was tickled pink listening to the the little girl as a sort of prolittle girl telling her about her ject mascot. They chatted with 'work' on the building site and her, let her sit with them while the fact she had a 'pay packet'. they had tea and lunch breaks, 'You must have worked very and gave her little jobs to do hard to earn all this', said the here and there to make her cashier. feel important.

The little girl proudly replied,

Work Experience

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'Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike.

We're building a big house.'

'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will you be working on the house again next week?

The child thought for a moment.

Then she said seriously: 'I think so. Provided those wankers at Jewsons deliver the fucking bricks.'

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LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH

word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you Little RALPHY goes to to go.' school, and the teacher Little RALPHY, says, 'Today we are going thinks for a bit, and to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody then says, 'You're an eight, have an example of a but if you had bigmulti-syllable word?' ger tits, you'd be a RALPHY says 'Mas-turTEN!' bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'

Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'

LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2) One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a LITTLE RALPHY ON show of hands from MATH those who could use the Little RALPHY returns word 'beautiful' in the from school and says he same sentence twice. got an F in arithmetic.

First, she called on little 'Why?' asks the father?

Suzie, who responded with, 'The teacher asked 'How 'My father bought my much is 2x3,'' I said '6', re- mother a beautiful dress plies RALPHY. and she looked beautiful in 'But that's right!' says his it.' dad. 'Yeah, but then she 'Very good, Suzie,' replied asked me 'How much is the teacher. She then 3x2?'''What's the f...... difcalled on little Michael. ference?' asks the father.

'My mommy planned a 'That's what I said!' beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'

LITTLE RALPHY ON She said, 'Excellent, MiGRAMMAR chael!' Then the teacher Little RALPHY was sitting reluctantly called on little RALPHY. in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to 'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my the bathroom.

He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, need to take a piss!!' just f...... beautiful!''

The teacher replied, 'Now, RALPHY, that is NOT the LITTLE RALPHY ON proper word to use in this GETTING OLDER situation. The correct Little RALPHY was sitting word you want to use is on a park bench munching 'urinate.' Please use the 18

on one candy bar after another.

After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'

Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'

The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'

Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own f....... business.’

Schizophrenics.

A charity Pantomine in aid of Paranoid Schizophrenics descended into chaos yesterday when someone shouted, "he's behind you"

PONDERISMS

die.

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again All of us could take a lesson from the weather.. It pays no attention to criticism.

can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there?

I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its arse."

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song In the 60's, people took acid to about him? make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people If quizzes are quizzical, what take Prozac to make it normal. are tests?

Do illiterate people get the full How is it one careless match effect of Alphabet Soup?

19

A postman was given the job of processing all the mail that had illegible addresses at Christmas.

One day, a letter came addressed 'To God' in a shaky handwriting, but with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read: Dear God, I am an 93 year old widow, living on a very small pension.

Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension cheque. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited my only living friend over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely, Edna

Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friend.

We had a very nice day and I told my friend of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was £5 missing.

I think those thieving b****rs at the Post Office must have taken it.

Sincerely, Edna

Bar Jokes A baby seal walks into a bar and sits down. "What can I get you?" asked the bartender.

"Anything but a Canadian Club" replied the seal.

A blind man walks into a bar with a seeing-eye dog. When the blind man reaches the centre of the bar, he snatches the dog up by his collar and starts swinging him around and around. The bartender speaks up and says "Hey what the hell The postal worker was are you doing?" The blind man touched, and showed the says, "Just taking a look letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or around.." her wallet and came up with a A rabbi, a priest, and a bishop few quid. By the time he walk into a bar. The bartender made the rounds, he had col- says, "What is this, some kind lected £95, which they put of joke?" into an envelope and sent to A penguin walks into a bar, he the woman. The rest of the goes to the counter and asks day, all the workers felt a the barman "Have you seen my warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be brother?". The barman asks able to share with her friend. "What does he look like?".

Christmas came and went. A A man walks into a bar with a few days later, another letter roll of tarmac under his arm came from the same old lady, and says: "Pint please, and one addressed to God. All the for the road." workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read: 20

Cow From Minsk A little village in Poland had only one cow and one day it stopped giving milk. The townspeople did a little research and discovered they could get a cow from Moscow for 2000 rubles or one from Minsk for only 500 rubles. Being thrifty, they naturally bought the cow from Minsk. It was a great cow. It had a wonderful disposition and produced lots of milk, lots of butter and lots of cream. Everybody loved it dearly. So much so that the villagers decided they would mate the cow and raise more cows just like it so they would never have to worry about their milk supply again. When the cow went in to heat, they went back to Minsk and hired a bull to mate with the cow.

They put the bull with he cow in a pasture and let nature take its course. But when the bull came in to mount the cow from the right, the cow moved to the left. When the bull

moved in to mount the cow from the left, the cow shifted to the right.

She refused to let him mount her. This went on all day.

Finally, in desperation, the villagers decided to go ask the rabbi what to do. After all, everyone knew the rabbi was very, very wise. They gathered around him and told him the story.

"Rabbi, we've tried all day to mate our cow. When the bull comes in from the right the cow moves left, and when the

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bull comes in from the left the cow moves to the right. What should we do?" The rabbi pondered for a moment and then asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?" Rabbi!" they cried as one, "you are indeed wise!

We never said where we bought the cow! How did you know it came from Minsk?"

Shaking his head, the rabbi said sadly, "My wife is from Minsk

DEFINITIONS FOR THE DYSLEXIC Antelope (v): to run off with your mother?s sister. Assassination (n): an arrangement to meet a donkey. Baptist (n): a junior hamburger chef. Basket (n): a short nap in the sun. Circumstantial (n): circumcision on a really big baby. Collonade (n): fizzy enema. Defence (n): something to sit on for people who can?t make up their minds.

Diarrhoea (n) a very unattractive bottom. Dictator (n): hilariously shaped, edible tuber.

Dipthong (v): to wash a lady's undergarment. Diversion (n): Princess of Wales' version of the events that led to her divorce. Dumpling (n): small lump of excrement. Gastronome (n): small person prone to excess wind. Harbinger (n): hard drinker. Hatchet (n): small, bird droppings that fall from the sky. Headband (n): top of the bill at a rock concert. Hormone (n): the sound a

prostitute makes when she's not been paid. Hobnob (n): cooking accident often suffered by nudists. Homophobe (n): strong dislike of The Simpsons.

Honeydew (n: women who regularly arrive late for appointments. Induction (n): induced labour in a duck. Innuendo (n): Italian suppository.

Intercontinental (n): person who has wet themselves all over the world. Labiate (v): perform cunnilingus. Laminate (v): to artificially inseminate a sheep. Limpet (n): male who has trouble getting an erection.

Lobster (n): colloquial term for a female who ejaculates during orgasm. Mantrap (n): sexual favour used by women to obtain money from men. Mastiff (n): mass erections induced by watching pornography. Menopause (n): break in conversation to allow men to get a word in edgeways Misfit (n): an attractive young woman Mislay (n): a brazen or promiscuous

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young woman. Morbific (n): excessively violent Multilingual (n): Engaging in cunnilingus with multiple partners. Negligent (n): cross-dresser. Outage (n): process of exposing a Gay politician. Propaganda (n): a wooden support for onelegged male geese. Rapscallion (n): Black, American spring onion. Rectitude (n): Precise angle at which a rectal thermometer should be inserted.

Reflex (v): renew wiring to an electrical appliance. Restitution (n): sanatorium for lactating women Skulduggery (n): archaeological excavation. Snuff box (n): slang term for a coffin.

Spade (n): Small surgical tool for removing ovaries. Testator (n): a male who is constantly adjusting his genitalia Titillate (n): delayed onset of female puberty Titular (n & adj): Busty woman Vagrant: (n): confused insect Willy-nilly (n): male who continually catches their penis in their zipper.

Nun For The Wicked It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.

Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.

"Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily, "I've been saved."

"Saved? And how did that come about?" asked the old nun.

"Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where "Did he now?" said the old nun he said the Lord keeps the Key evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued, to Heaven."

"And Father John said that if

23

the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace.

And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock."

"Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.

"At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy.

And it did, it felt so good being saved."

"That wicked old bastard" said the old nun.

"He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years." (Cheers Barb)

Florida got it right. Bravo for Sheriff Grady Judd!

most unusual manner.

He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.

He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she Some dirt bag who got pulled squirmed a little to better posiover in a routine traffic stop in tion herself. The man stopped Florida abruptly and rolled over to his ended up 'executing' the depside of the bed. uty who stopped him. The dep- Why are you stopping darling?" uty was shot eight times, inshe whispered. cluding once behind his right He whispered back, " I found ear at close range. Another the remote." deputy was wounded and a Men and Therapy! police dog killed.

A statewide manhunt ensued.

A husband and wife came for The low-life was found hiding in counselling after 15 years of a wooded area with his gun. marriage. When asked what SWAT team officers fired and the problem was, the wife went hit the guy 68 times. into a passionate, painful tirade Now here's the kicker: Natulisting every problem they had rally, the media asked why they ever had in the 15 years shot him 68 times. Polk County they had been married. She Sheriff Grady Judd, told the went on and on and on: neOrlando Sentinel glect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved 'That's all the bullets we had.' and unlovable, an entire launFondling In Bed dry list of unmet needs she had One night, after the couple had endured over the course of retired for the night, the their marriage. woman became aware that her Finally, after allowing this to go husband was touching her in a 24

on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.

The woman instantly shut up and quietly sat down as though she was in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week...... Can you do this?'

The husband thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf .'

New Lingerie Husband walks into Ann Summers to purchase some seethrough lingerie for His wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price, the more seethrough, the higher the price.

He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the lingerie home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model It for him.

Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so seethrough that it might as well be nothing.

I'll not put it on, do the modelling naked and return it tomorrow and get a £150 refund for myself".

So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.

The husband says, "My God! It wasn't that creased in the shop".

Noah's Ark In the year 2007 the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans. " He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard- but no Ark. "Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark ?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed Building Regulations Approval and I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site, even though in my view it is a temporary structure. We had to then go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision.

Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another

problem. All the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific Interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me.

They insisted thatI was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many disabled carpenter's I'm supposed to hire for my building team. The trades unions say I can't use my sons.

They insist I have to hire only accredited workers with Arkbuilding experience.

To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark." Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not 25

going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. "The British government beat me to it."

Nursery Rhymes Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall Humpty Dumpty had a great fall The structure of the wall was incorrect So he won a grand with Claims Direct.

It's Raining, It's Pouring. Oh sh! t, it's Global Warming.

Jack and Jill went into town To fetch some chips and sweeties.

He can't keep his heart rate down And she's got diabetes.

Mary had a little skirt with splits right up the sides and everywhere that Mary went the boys could see her thighs.

Mary had another skirt 'twas split right up the front ...But she didn't wear that one often.

Mary had a little lamb her father shot it dead. Now it goes to school with her between two chunks of bread.

Mary had a little lamb it ran into a pylon. 10,000 volts went up its arse and turned its wool to nylon Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair. Said Simple Simon to the pie man 'What have u got there?' Said the pie man unto Simon Pies you d!ck head.

Mary had a little lamb Its fleece was white and wispy. Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease And now it's black and crispy.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to have a little fun. Jill, the dill, forgot her pill, and now they have a son.

had not been thoroughly considered, and that further inquiries may be needed if this one did not conThe British Government's commit- clude 'in the same manner, more or ment to fight global warming was less, without equivocation and thrown into chaos last night, as a without political intradirect result of its legislation on governmental bias, let or hinsmoking in public places. drance, that the continuation of anti-smoking legislation was indeed And, hinting at an unprecedented something that should be considU-turn in policy, Government sources strongly suggested that the ered once again by the regional authority in pursuance of policy smoking ban was actually costing with regard to environmental conthe NHS more than it was ever siderations and the funding and likely to save. availability of public services'.

Following a series of official reports conducted just six months after the The results of one survey, conintroduction of the smoking ban in ducted by Smokers Are Nicer Enyway (SANE) piled further pressure the UK, it has become clear that; The number of patio heaters installed outside pubs and restaurants for the use of smokers is actually quadrupling the amount of greenhouse gases released into the atmosphere, putting the Government at odds with all international environmental protocols.

London: December 31, 2007

Smoking Ban Disaster

For smokers who are not provided with a patio heater, the health implications have become clear. Estimates by the British Medical Association (BMA) predict that the incidence of Atmospheric-RelatedSmoking-Emphysema (ARSE) is likely to triple, causing a Step-HikeIn-Trauma (SHIT) because smokers who are forced to indulge their habit outdoors during cold winters' nights are 20-times more likely to require hospital treatment for bronchial disorders and hypothermia.

on the Government, by concluding that;

ing.

The loss of income for pubs and restaurants which impose the smoking ban means a comparative loss of government tax revenue on alcohol, which can be recouped only by a further five per cent increase in income tax.

The tendency of smokers to now buy cheaper supermarket alcohol and serve themselves at home unknowingly in larger quantities could mean the NHS is besieged by patients with alcohol-related diseases which would never have occurred had they been drinking standard pub-measures.

Such loss of indirect tax revenue could force the average direct tax The cost to local police in handling burden of a normal British family domestic disputes caused by smok- up by some 20 per cent. Added to ers 'abandoning' their partners to this, the loss of tax revenue as a Smokers who elect to have a fag go outside during a birthday or direct result of those who stop while sitting on a frosty pub garden wedding anniversary celebration buying cigarettes - or who buy bench are also 132 times more was likely to mean five per cent on fewer - will mean that an extra likely to contract piles, adding to local income tax. ÂŁ450 million p.a. in tax will now GPs waiting lists, and exponentially need to be found in order to conBecause smokers are forced to increasing NHS costs. tinue funding NHS. take a puff outside a restaurant Announcing the launch of an inleaving their non-smoking partners Commenting on the report, John quiry into the findings, Prime Minis- inside - the divorce rate is now Player, a spokesman for the organiter, Gordon Brown, said they con- likely to increase by up to 27.3 per sation Freedom of the Right to firmed his belief that the implicacent, meaning a consequent inEnjoy Tobacco (FOREST) coughed; tions of European Union decrees crease in demand for council hous- "We fucking told you so!"

26

A young couple left the scribes as rags, carry-

ing every worldly possession in two plastic bags, my heart was touched by this persons condition.

Some people turned to stare. Others quickly looked away as if the sight would somehow contaminate them.

Recalling some long ago priest who made an admonition to Vagabond 'care for the sick, As I walked down the busy feed the hungry and footpath, knowing I was late for clothe the naked,' I an important meeting, my eye was moved by some fell upon one of those unfortu- powerful inner urge nate, homeless vagabonds that to reach out to this unfortuare found in every city these nate person. days.

Yes, where some people saw Wearing what can only be de- only rags, I saw a hidden

sex therapist's office determined to develop more effective body language.

"Alright," said the husband, "when I want sex, I'll rub your right breast. When I don't want sex, I'll rub your left breast."

"Okay," said the wife, "What should I do then?"

"Well, when you want to have sex," he told her, "rub my penis once. When you don't want any sex, rub it 200 times."

27

beauty. A small voice inside my head called out, 'Reach out, reach out!' She slapped my face!!!!!!!!!!

Fair Dinkum Cober This got the whole of Sydney laughing. Read it and you'll see why! Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney. The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called 'Mate Match'. The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers 'yes', he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with (phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

The Harbour City dropped to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you've heard yet.

Anyway, here's how it all went down: DJ: 'Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?'

Contestant: (laughing) 'Yes, I have.'

DJ: 'Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win.

What is your name? First only please.'

Contestant: 'Brian.'

DJ: 'Brian, are you married or what?'

Brian: (laughing nervously) 'Yes, I am married.'

DJ: 'Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please.'

Brian: 'Sara.'

DJ: 'Is Sara at work, Brian?'

Brian: 'She is gonna kill me.'

DJ: 'Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?'

Brian: (laughing) 'Yes, she's at work.'

DJ: 'Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?'

Brian: 'About 8 o'clock this morn-

ing.'

DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) 'Well...'

DJ: 'Question #2 - How long did it last?'

Brian: 'About 10 minutes.'

DJ: 'Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake.'

Brian: 'Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.'

DJ: 'Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?

Brian: (laughing hard) 'I, ummm, I, well...'

DJ: 'This sounds good, Brian.

Where was it at?'

Brian: 'Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for couple of weeks...'

DJ: 'Uh huh...'

Brian: '...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time.'

DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'

Brian: 'On the kitchen table.'

DJ: 'Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it.

Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up.

You listen to this.' [ 3 minutes of commercials follow. ] DJ: 'Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?' (Touch tones.....ringing....)

Clerk: 'Kinkos.'

DJ: 'Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?'

Clerk: 'This is she.'

DJ: 'Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now.'

Sarah: (laughing) 'A couple of hours?'

DJ: 'Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any\answers away or you'll lose.

Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?'

28

Sarah: 'No.' DJ: 'Good!'

Brian: (laughing) Sarah: (laughing) 'Brian, what the hell are you up to?'

Brian: (laughing) 'Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest.'

DJ: 'Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.

Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.' DJ: 'Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?'

Sarah: 'Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work.'

DJ: 'What time?'

Sarah: 'Around 8 this morning.'

DJ: 'Very good. Next question.

How long did it last?'

Sarah: '12, 15 minutes maybe.'

DJ: 'Hmmmm. That's close enough.

I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?'

Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.' DJ: 'Where did you have it?'

Sarah: 'OH MY GOD, BRIAN!!

You didn't tell them that did you?'

Brian: 'Just tell him, honey.'

DJ: 'What is bothering you so much, Sarah?'

Sarah: 'Well...'

DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?

Sarah: 'Up the arse.....'

They had to call an ambulance for the DJ he thought he was going to have a heart attack , he could not stop laughing.

Apperently there was an unusually high call out of the Sydney Police just after this conversation , for minor traffic collisions.

These three women An old man of 70 marwere sitting around one night talking about there boyfriends when they decided they would give their men nicknames based on typesof soda.

The first woman said: "I'm gonna call Tom "Mountain Dew" because he is as strong as a mountain and always wants to do it!"

The second woman said: "I'm gonna call Bruce "7Up" because he has seven inches and it is always up!"

The third woman said: "I'm gonna call my man "Jack Daniels."

The other two women responded: "Jack Daniels? But that's a hard liquor."

The third woman replied: "THAT'S MY LEROY!"

ried a young girl of 18.

When they got into bed the night after the wedding, he held up three fingers. "Oh honey", said the young nymph, "Does that mean we're going to do it three times?"

"No", said the old man, "It means you can take your pick."

If you go to bed 9 hours before you have to wake up, and your wife wants to have 2 hours of sex, how much sleep will you get?

8 hours, 59 minutes - who cares what she wants!

*Gandia*

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The Ragged Clown/A Funny Thing Happened To Me On The Way To The Gym Another New Year. New horizons. New challenges. And as usual, another attempt by the Ragged One to get fit. My doctor, not content with getting me to quit cigarettes, cut down on the booze and eat a saltfree diet, now wants me to move my body about occasionally. Doesn’t he understand that the reason I became a writer had nothing to do with wanting to be creative? Oh no!

I became a writer because it’s indoor work with no heavy lifting. What next? I seem to drifting ever closer to becoming one of those sad cases who plays squash every Tuesday with someone called ‘Gerald’!

My attempts at getting fit usually conform to the following procedure: 1. Get absolutely obsessed by a certain form of exercise.

2. Spend vast sums of money getting all the kit, joining clubs, buying books, magazines and DVDs. 3. Get bored stiff with it within a couple of weeks.

Stop going.

The next form of exercise I’ll be packing up in a couple of weeks is swimming. I always use to enjoy swimming as a child. Splashing your arms and legs about in the water, mucking about with your friends, followed by a good old towel flicking session in the changing rooms afterwards. Great fun.

As an adult, however, swimming seems to have lost some of its allure. As an adult swimming consists of going backwards and forwards in the pool, until you get tired. Not the most stimulating of activities, I’m sure you’ll agree.

My love/hate relationship with getting fit goes back a long way.

Back in the UK my wife once bought me membership of a rather posh gym. My years’ membership package also included having seven days with a personal trainer. I went along to meet my trainer and was pleasantly surprised to find myself talking to a young, attractive blonde woman, who supplemented her income by modelling swimwear. My wife was most impressed by how keen I was to get started!

Mind you, I’m not sure why she wanted me to start working out at a gym. I was still in tiptop condition after my years of being on the school chess team.

I’m afraid to say that my time with a personal trainer didn’t go well. Perhaps I was trying too hard to impress her. The morning after my first session with her the only way I could brush my teeth was to put the brush on the edge of the sink and then move my head backwards and forwards. Driving was OK, as long as I didn’t have to steer. After the second session I couldn’t move at all, not even to press a button on the remote to change channel on the television. I laid in bed watching The Weather Channel for eleven straight hours. I 30

decided that going to the gym wasn’t for me. It got to the point where I was even afraid of going on the rowing machine in case it sank.

Then I took up cycling. Of course, I couldn’t start small and work my way up. Oh no.

I jumped straight in and bought a top of the range racer, with all the accessories. It lies rusting now, down at the bottom of our garden. One of the ‘accessories’ it came with were those weird little clips on the pedals, which allowed you to wedge your foot in, meaning you could get more power into your down stroke (or at least that’s what the manual said).

After one particularly long ride I got lost in the countryside. I spotted a man outside a house cleaning his car so I decided to stop and ask him where I was.

I pulled up outside his house, called out, “Excuse me, but where am I?” I then discovered that if you stop moving on a pushbike, in order to remain upright you either need very good balance or have the ability to put at least one foot down on to the floor. I had neither.

All this chap washing his car knew was that some idiot called out “Where am I?”, who then did some sort of weird, jerky, side-to-side dance, who then fell face first on to the concrete. His only comment on the whole sorry spectacle was, “Are you alright?” I mumbled a garbled response through my rapidly swelling lips then pedalled off rapidly. I seem to recall that being my last bike ride.

Another attempt at getting fit involved ‘jogging’. Oh yes, come on, admit it. If you lived through the late 70s/early 80s you’ve tried ‘jogging’. A friend of mine raved about it. “Come jogging,” he said. “You’ll love it! Out in the fresh air, meeting new people, getting fit. It’s great!”

So, I went jogging. I went twice. During these two runs I stepped into three piles of dog mess, fell over twice, got bit by a dog, and pulled a muscle in my groin preventing me from having sex for two weeks. The next time my ‘friend’ called round I punched him. Unfortunately, because he was so fit through months of ‘jogging’ he punched me back. Several times. Quite hard. Bloody painful business this getting fit lark.

Of course another problem with getting fit is finding the time. I once said to my doctor that I just don’t have an hour a day spare to spend on getting fit. He answered, “Well it’s your choice, one hour a day keeping fit, or twenty four

hours a day dead.” It’s hard to argue against logic like that.

So, here I go then. Getting fit.

Whether it be in a swimming pool or on a push bike, in the gym or jogging along the side of the road, if you see a tatty looking, podgy, out of breath, sweating, red faced clown on your travels, give him a bit of encouragement. It’s hard work working out with those big floppy feet.

An elderly gentleman came home one night to find a homeless girl of about seventeen ransacking the place.

He grabbed her by the arm and was just about to call the police when the girl dropped down on her knees and pleaded, "Please don't call the police, mister, oh please!! If you don't, I'll let you make love to me and do whatever you want with my body!"

The old man thought for a moment and decided to give in.

Soon they were naked and in bed together. The old man tried hard and tried hard, but he 31

couldn't get up an erection.

Finally, he rolls over, exhausted, and embarrassed.

"I'm sorry, young lady...but it's no use," he gasped. "I'm afraid...I'm going to have to...call the police...after all."

Why is life like a penis?

Because when it's soft, it's hard to beat; but when it's hard, you get screwed.

What is worse than a dead dog on your piano?

A diseased pussy on your organ What is better than a rose on your piano?

Tulips on your organ When does a Cub Scout become a Boy Scout?

When he eats his first Brownie.

What did Adam say to Eve? You'd better stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets What's green and eats nuts?

Herpes!

They Just Keep Coming In (ed) A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage.

A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"

She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one.." She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there. The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked "is there

a 710 on this car?" She pointed and said, "Of course, its right A man boarded an airthere." if you're not sure what plane in New Orleans, with a a 710 is see the picture on the box of crabs. bottom of page 33.

A female crew member took I heard it through the the box and promised to put it in the crew's grapevine refrigerator, which she did.

California vintners in the Napa The man firmly advised her Valley area, which primarily that he was holding her perproduce Pinot Blanc, Pinot sonally responsible for the Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, crabs staying frozen, and prohave developed a new hybrid ceeded to rant and rave about grape that acts as an antiwhat would happen to her if diuretic. she let the crabs thaw out.

It is expected to reduce the Shortly before landing in New number of trips older people York, she announced to the have to make to the bathroom entire cabin, "Would the genduring the night. tleman who gave me the crabs The new wine will be marketed in New Orleans please raise as‌ your hand?" Not one hand PINO MORE went up . . . so she took them home and ate them herself.

32

Commonwealth Games 2014 Glasgow

house....the winner shall be the human life, swimming events one who can leave A & E first. will be organised, please note that the Synchronised SwimSHOOTING A strong chalOPENING CEREMONY The ming event for this year will flame will be ignited by a petrol lenge is expected from local comprise of dropping acid and men in this event. The first bomb thrown by a native of watching all the funky ripples Ferguslie Park, in the traditional target will be a moving police van. In the second round, com- on the pool, the specific musidress of balaclava and a Burcal support to this event will be berry shell suit. The flame will petitors will aim at a post office provided by "Belle & Sebasclerk, bank teller or Securicorbe contained in a large overstyle wages delivery man. The tian". turned police van situated on traditional .22 rifle has been THE MARATHON A safe the roof of the stadium. replaced in this event by a route has yet to be decided.

THE EVENTS In previous choice of either a Browning Commonwealth Games, Scot- automatic handgun or Sawn-off MEN'S 50KM WALK Unfortunately this will have to be canland's competitors have not 12-bore shotgun. celled, as the police cannot been particularly successful. In BOXING Entry to the boxing guarantee the safety of anyone order to redress the balance, will be restricted to husband walking the streets of Glasgow, some of the events have been and wife teams, and will take especially anyone that appears altered slightly to the advantage place on a Friday night.

The to be mincing ... of local athletes. husband will be given 15 pints THE CLOSING CEREMONY 100 METRES SPRINT Competi- of lager while the wife will be Entertainment will include fortors will have to hold a DVD told not to make him any tea mation rave dancing by memplayer and microwave oven when he gets home. The bout bers of the Govan Health in (one in each arm) and on the will then commence. the Community anti-drug camsound of the starting pistol, a CYCLING TIME TRIALS Compaigners, synchronised rock police dog will be released petitors will be asked to break throwing, and music by the from a cage 10 yards behind into the Glasgow University Dennistoun community choir. the athletes. bike shed and take an expenThe flame will be extinguished 110 METRES HURDLES As sive mountain bike owned by by police riot water cannon above but with added obstacles some mummy's boy on his first following inevitable pitch inva(i.e. car bonnets, hedges, gartrip away from home. All sion by confused old firm fans. den fences, Walls etc) against the clock.

The stadium itself will then be HAMMER Competitors in this CYCLING PURSUIT As above, boarded up before the local event may choose the type of but the bike will be owned by a athletes break into it and rehammer they wish to use visiting member of the Austra- move all the copper piping and (claw, sledge etc) the winner lian rugby team, who will witthe central heating boiler will be the one who can cause ness the theft. the most physical damage MODERN PENTATHLON within three attempts.

Amended to include mugging, FENCING This event shall be breaking and entering, flashing, sponsored by Cash Converters joyriding, under-age drinking who shall also provide the and arson. hardware. The contest itself SWIMMING EVENTS All washall be based outside Kebab terways are currently being shops in Baillieston, Riddrie, tested for toxicity levels, once Drumpchapel, and Easterone is found that can support 33

Answers to the December Issue ‘WORLDS EASIEST QUIZ’ Remember, you need 4 correct answers to pass.

Check your answers below.

ANSWERS 1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years 2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador 3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses 4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November 5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur 6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dog 7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert 8) What colour is a purple finch? Crimson 9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand 10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane?

Orange (of course) What do you mean, you failed?

I did, too.

(And if you try to tell me you passed, you're lying!)

Pass this on to some brilliant friends, so they may feel useless too.

Jack Frost Named U.K's Biggest Serial Killer

Infamous Jack Frost has been named by the Metropolitan police as the U.K's most prolific serial killer. Frost is thought to be responsible for the deaths of 164,082 pensioners and 156,098 homeless people over the last five years.

The Metropolitan police have warned that they expect him to strike again this Winter. They have released photofit posters of the killer and warned the public not to approach him without gloves, hat and where possible, a two-bar gas fire.

Prime Minister Gordon Brown How many of you looked for today laughed off allegations page 49 last Month in our 48 that Frost is no nearer to being page special Ho Ho Ho !!!! apprehended than he was more than fifty years ago. "There is no Jack Frost," he stated," Brit34

ain’s pensioners are all warm and happy, they are all made aware of how to line the back of their radiators with tin foil to eke out the "cold weather allowance."

When questioned about Frost preying on vulnerable homeless people Brown denied their existence, stating, " If they weren't on the disc they don't exist" and adding that "your mum makes those patterns on your windows in ice, not Jack Frost."

It seems Jack Frost - not to be confused with Jack Straw, Lord Chancellor and Secretary of State for Justice and also a game with sticks - will remain at large for the foreseeable future.

35

Smuggler Sports Page Fantasy football players admit to using performance enhanc- made solid picks in the pre-season who all of ing drugs Nearly a third of all fantasy football players have admitted to using performanceenhancing drugs, commissioners of leagues reported.

"It is a dangerous trend that is only expected to increase in the next 10 to 15 years," said Shane Reynolds, commissioner of the East Coast Rockers Fantasy Football League. "I was really surprised to learn how many in our eight-team league actually admitted to using steroids."

For instance, in the 10-team Hull District Bulldog League, three players have admitted to using performance enhancers, Commissioner Bubba Dalton reluctantly confirmed.

"It's a crying shame," Dalton said. "For all the players who play the sport without enhancers, there are two or three who give the rest of us a black eye."

A man who would only talk on the condition anonymity said he has used steroids in his fantasy league for the past three years. "It gets pretty stressful," he said. "It gives you increased stamina while you're sweating it out at the computer watching Stat Tracker and trying to beat your rival."

In the last three years, three deaths have been reported across the nation due to steroid use, Collin McMillan, a fantasy football expert said. "You have these guys, guys who have

sudden think drugs are going to give them an edge. It's a grueling season, I know, but when you weigh what these fantasy athletes are doing to their bodies over the long haul, it's really not worth the risk."

Natalie Chandler watched her brother go from one of the strongest fantasy football players in the Bad Dawg League to nearly dying because of steroid use.

"The toll it has taken on Hunter's body has been just heartbreaking," she said. "I would confront him about it and he would just brush it off, saying he had to get that competitive edge and I didn't understand the demands that being in a league takes on even the strongest player."

League commissioners across the country are considering having a meeting to further discuss the matter and perhaps come up with some testing standards.

For Nora Barnhill of Swindon, that meeting will be too late.

Her son, Clayton, a member of the Swindon Juicers League, was the third victim of fantasy football steroid abuse.

"I never really understood," Mrs. Barnhill said in a telephone interview. "It really wasn't like he was out there playing. As far as I could figure he 36

was just picking players and keeping track of statistics."

She said her son told her, however, it was far more to the sport than just picking players.

She said he told her he was actually their eyes and ears, arms and legs. "'You're out there playing,'" his mother said, recalling a conversation before her son's death. "When you're playing teams as tough as Redneck's Revenge you've got to have something to give you an edge".

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE What is a Yankee?

The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?

The position of the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive?

Because it's worth it.

What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?

100 people who don't do dick.

What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever.

tween a new husband and a new dog?

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in year 9.

Who has the biggest boobs?

The blonde, because she's 18.

What do lawyers use for birth control?

Their personalities.

What's the difference between a porcupine and a police car?

A porcupine has the pricks on What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? the outside.

20 kgs.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was What's the difference between a boyfriend and hus- pregnant?

"Are you sure it's mine?" band?

45 minutes.

Why do black men cry durWhat's the fastest way to a ing sex?

Pepper spray will do that to man's heart?

Through his chest with a sharp you .. knife.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

Why do men want to Breasts don't have eyes. marry virgins?

They can't stand criticism.

What would you call it when an Italian has one Why is it so hard for arm shorter than the women to find men that other? are sensitive, caring, and A speech impediment. good-looking?

Because those men already What's the difference behave boyfriends. tween an Australian zoo and a English zoo?

What's the difference be37

An Australian zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe.."

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word?

Get another sweet little 80year-old lady to yell "BINGO!" What's the difference between a northern USA fairytale and a southern USA fairytale?

A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."

A Southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

Why is there no Disneyland in China?

No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.

Cheers Barb

WORLD PEACE AND END TO FAMINE Royturds News Agency is proud to announce a revolutionary breakthrough in the way it will present its news in future. In order to remain on the cutting edge of journalism, we have decided to copy television news providers by offering the latest news updates, just like they do with their annoying news stream on the bottom of the screen. That way we can continue offering our readers top quality informative articles, whilst keeping them up-to-date with any important newsworthy events that may be occurring worldwide. Firstly, we must concentrate on the remarkable news that a renowned intellectual in Germany has come up with a formula that will ensure the end of world poverty, and guarantee peace on earth.

Professor Meerschwienschenfutter, from Universität Heidelberg, has been working on the foolproof formula for over 49 years, which allows for the even distribution of money to the world population in a way that would be acceptable to both the World Bank and governments alike. The formula also puts paid to world hunger, increasing crop yields by 1000%, whilst having no adverse effect on the environment. This in turn will have a positive effect on political and religious tensions, ensuring the end to conflict worldwide. He also reckons he knows a way of reversing global warning.

Though the formula is rather complicated, we will endeavour to explain it in layman’s terms.

The professor is able to calculate the total worldly wealth at any given time, then by applying the following formula, M (3-j)/ P+…. + + BREAKING NEWS + + GATA DE GORGOS : CAT STUCK UP TREE. EMERGENCY SERVICES ALERTED….END + +.

Well, it’s not exactly earth shattering news, but nevertheless, we’ll try to keep you upto-date with any further developments. Now, back to our main story of world peace. The professor proposed that if, say, M= total monetary assets, whilst P= total population, by simply applying these to…. + + BREAKING NEWS (UPDATE) + + GATA DE GORGOS : CAT STILL STUCK UP TREE. EMERGENCY SERVICES STILL ALERTED….END + +.

OK, that’s good. Didn’t really to need to know that. Now I’m sure everything will sort itself now, and everyone will live happily ever after. Anyway, back again to our vastly more important article of world peace and shared wealth. If we were to take all the money in… + + BREAKING NEWS (UPDATE) + + GATA DE GORGOS : CAT AND 38

CATS´ OWNER STUCK UP TREE: EMERGENCY SERVICES EN ROUTE….END + +.

Well I suppose it’s a relief to see that this new system is up and running, and I’m sure that you, like me, look forward to more interesting news. Natural disasters and stuff like that.

Now where was I? Oh yeah.

This Professor, Schweinmutter I think his name was, spent a long time working out a way to… + + BREAKING NEWS (UPDATE) + + GATA DE GORGOS : CAT AND CATS´ OWNER STILL STUCK UP TREE. EMERGENCY SERVICES ON SCENE….END + +.

I can only apologise to our readers. We seem to have a glitch in the system. That must surely be the end of that one. I mean, what could possibly happen now. Now I’ve lost my thread. Oh yeah! This boffin from somewhere or other reckons he’s found a way… + + BREAKING NEWS (UPDATE) + + GATA DE-

GORGOS : CAT, CATS´ OWNER, AND FIREMAN STUCK UP TREE..END + +.

Is someone taking the piss here! I don’t care about a cat stuck up a soddin´tree! Come on; give us some real news, for goodness sake. Right! Some Kraut bloke seems to think he’s found a way for us all to live in perfect harmony forever, or something. By simply calculating... + + BREAKING NEWS (UPDATE) + + GATA DE GORGOS : CAT, CATS´ OWNER, AND ALL FIREMEN STUCK UP TREE. MORE EMERGENCY SERVICES ALERTED….END + +.

+ + BREAKING NEWS (UPDATE) + + GATA DE Bollocks, bollocks, bollocks, GORGOS : TREE COLbollocks, bollocks, bollocks, LAPSES. FIVE INJURED. bollocks, bollocks…

EVEN MORE EMERGENCY SERVICES + + BREAKING NEWS ALERTED….END + +.

(UPDATE) + + GATA DE GORGOS : SECOND FIRE An Earthquake! Atrocities!

TENDER RUNS INTO AM+ + BREAKING NEWS Anything! I don’t care! I really (UPDATE) + + GATA DE don’t care anymore. This was a BULANCE AND WATCHING CROWD. 24 INGORGOS : CAT DROPS stupid idea anyway. Peace!

JURED. FURTHER EMERSAFELY FROM TREE. Wealth! You can shove it up GENCY SERVICES CATS´ OWNER AND your ass. It’s OK for you lot FIREMEN STILL STUCK reading this, I don’t get paid for ALERTED. CAT DOING WELL….END + + UP TREE. MORE EMER- this shit! Why don’t you all GENCY SERVICES STILL fu…

Jan. 2008 : Royturds News ALERTED….END + +. + + BREAKING NEWS Agency Some where out there is a (UPDATE) + + GATA DE drug-crazed gunman blowing GORGOS : AMBULANCE away dozens of innocent shop- ARRIVES ON SCENE OF pers, and we have to put up COLLAPSED TREE. Cheers Roy, keep with this crap! Give us death!

RUNS OVER CAT. INtaking the Pill’s.

Give us destruction! Give us JURED BEING ATanything but a cat and…

TENDED TO….END + +.

Can you believe this shit?

We’ve a whole world of news to report on and all we get is a cat and some idiots trapped in a friggin´tree. OK! Listen up.

German guy! Formula! Peace!

A future world devoid of…

39

Real, Real Friendship.

1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the fucking bastard who upset you.

2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile -- I will know you got a shag.

4. When you are scared -- I will take the piss out of you about it, every chance I get.

5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit fucking whingeing.

6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.

7. When you are sick -- Stay away from me until you are well again. I don't want to catch whatever you have.

8. When you fall -- I will point at you and laugh my fucking arse off.

9. This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end. Why? you may ask; Because you are my friend.Friendship is like shitting your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.

said. "Never, ever, whistle while you pack!"

Heard This One.

I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside."

"How's that?"

"Don't you start."

Two blondes walk into a build- So I was getting into my car, ing..........you'd think at least one and this bloke says to me "Can of them would have seen it. you give me a lift?"

A guy walks into the psychiaI said "Sure, you look great, the trist wearing only Clingfilm for world's your oyster, go for it.' shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

Two fat blokes in a pub, one I went to buy some camouflage says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So trousers the other day but I are you, you fat bast**d!" couldn't find any My friend drowned in a bowl of Police arrested two kids yesmuesli. A strong currant pulled terday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was him in. eating fireworks. They charged I went to a seafood disco last one and let the other one off week...and pulled a muscle Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and Be Thoughtful. thousands. Police say that he topped Just before our first long deployment, two Army mates and himself I were Man goes to the talking about the stress of leav- doctor, with a ing our families. strawberry growA sergeant, a veteran of many ing out of his head. deployments, overheard our Doc says "I'll give conversation and offered the you some cream following advice: to put on it."

"You must be sensitive to your Guy goes into the wives' emotional needs," he doctor's. "Doc, 40

Gypsies At The Pearly Gates

longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my 40 Gypsies died in a massive husband. crash on the motorway and What a relief! Gowent to heaven. They turned ing through preup at the Pearly Gates and menopause is bad asked St Peter to let them in. enough without He said that he didn't have being a murder susroom for all 40 of them. He pect! I thank you, only had room for 5, so they should go away and think about once again, for having a great product. who would come in.

Well, gotta go, have A short while later St Peter to write to the Hefty went to see God and said bag people 'They've gone!'

God replied, 'What, the Pikeys?'

'No....... the F*cking gates !!!!'

New Corvette

He got his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, Dear Tide: he floored it to 80 mph, enjoyI am writing to say what an ing the wind blowing through excellent product you have! what little hair he had left.

I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me "Amazing," he thought as he it was the best. Now that I am flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his almost forty and with kids, I rear view mirror, he saw the find it even better! highway patrol behind him, blue In fact, about a month ago, I lights flashing and siren blaring. spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsid- He floored it to 100mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he erate and uncaring husband thought, "What am I doing? I'm started to belittle me about too old for this," and pulled how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!

In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no 41

over to await the Trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday.

If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused.

Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back." "Have a good day, Sir," replied the Trooper

Adolfo Part Six Dawn broke out in the east and cast a warm glow over Adolfo’s new home on the Costa’s. He sat on the rim of one of his latest creation feeling proud of the massive hole he had just finished digging. He could hear Jaunita in the hovel screaming her concerns to Jaun about the ever increasing amount of holes appearing on the land her father had given them as a dowry. She had attempted to keep her voice low in the hope that Adolfo would not hear her, but this resulted in omitting a high pitched screech that pierced the walls of the hovel, could be heard as far away as the regional capital Gandia and with the wind behind her maybe, that far of Island with a name that has fifty two different spelling one of which is ‘Ibeza’, would hear her ranting.

Adolfo’s thoughts were mixed with his emotive feelings about his experiences since landing in this land, the way they had all accepted him into their lives, the way Jaunita had looked after his every need, the way Jaun had put up with his constantly digging holes in his land, the way Brestita had made him feel sensations he didn’t understand, yet he longed to feel more of them, especially that feeling he had when she protected his manhood during their recent wrestling match.

He was awoken from his dreams by the sound of a strange accented voice shouting “aye up lad te must beh te auld digger ter all taking aboot”

Adolfo’s eyes fell on the skinny runt of a man making his way toward him. “I’m Lark from Miramar, me mates call me Spivo” he said as he held his hand out to Adolfo. “I have great idea for all these holes ya digging.

A was in Benidorm last week looking at a new television thingy jig, when I seen people splashing about in one of these holes, but that one had tiles all round it and they called it a swimming pool. Me mate from down the road Karm is a fantastic tiler and he has muscles on muscles, tattoos to die for and he’ll work all day for next to nowt.” Adolfo stood back from the runt and in seconds he had made his mind up about the offer. He quite liked the sound of the swimming pool and Karm the tattooed monster of a tiler, but his hyper senses told him that Lark the runt was only out to make a fast peseta out of his hole digging skills and Karm’s tiling, so using the terms of endearment he had learned from the Scots lass in bar Ole he said, “Fuck off ya we Sassenach bastar”. He sat and watched Lark the runt disappear from whence he had came, only his retreat was a little quicker with smoke from his trousers and his hands patting the burned patches inflicted by Adolfo’s heat vision. To be fair to Lark though, he was only following that old traditional path well established in these parts, of making a living ripping of your neighbours and ‘friends’.

42

“Hola Cyndarella”

Ah ha Adolfo thought I can smell that fishy smell, Brestita must be close. His eyes caught glimpse of her skipping up the track and his x-ray vision delighted from the rise and fall of the huge melons she was carrying (dirty little reader) in her arms or could they be pumpkins? He chuckled as he recalled the story Georgio had had told him about Juan, apparently the local plod PC69 had come across Juan in a pumpkin patch one night he was shagging a pumpkin. When PC69 asked him what he was doing shagging a pumpkin Juan had replied “Fuck me is it midnight already”. Needless to say PC69 didn’t see the funny side of it and had fined Juan the price of a couple of pints in La Brasa, where the Landlady had recently increased the price of his favourite tipple, just in time to enhance her Xmas bonus.

Brestita sat down beside him and gave him a quick peck on the cheek along with a grope of his crutch. “These pumpkins are for Uncle Juan” she said and Adolfo let out another laugh. Brestita began to tell Adolfo all the latest gossip, how she had waited on at the local gathering of the Scottish clan and watched it disintegrate into a free for all, how one red headed clan girl had looked at three of the chieftains and said “Ooh don’t them three look like twins”, apparently the night was going well until the wicked witch of ‘Raraarbor’ picked on one of the chieftains called Angusmetoolout. However Adolfo wasn’t interested in the local gossip; his mind was on this swimming pool thing that

Lark the runt had talked about.

“Brestita” he said as she tried to protect his manhood again, “will you show me the way to Empanada Algid, I must speak with this Karm he will have the answer to all this hole digging thing and I think he is the type of man I need”. He explained his meeting with Lark and that maybe he could make some money out his extraordinary powers. “I know this Karm” she replied “he is the one responsible for the building of the ‘Great wall of Villalonga’”. It was obvious to Adolfo from the look in Brestita’s eyes that their journey would not take place until he had once more wrestled with her and suffered a lot more of that fishy smell……..

43

Scoucer In New York A Liverpudlian went to New York and visited Ground Zero.

He was standing next to a fireman and he said 'I think that you lot did a fantastic job' 'Thanks buddy', said the fireman. 'You were all very brave', continued the Liverpudlian.

'Thanks again', said the fireman, 'Tell me where are you from?'

'Liverpool', he replied 'Oh yeah,' said the fireman, 'and what state is that in?'

The Liverpudlian looked around and replied 'About the same as this, I suppose'

Dear Uncle Gerrard Dear Gerard This really winds me up. A benefits cheat claimed he was Britain's highest-paid paper boy, earning £116,000 a year, a court heard yesterday. Hafizur Rahman, 37, was claiming £20,000 a year in handouts - while making £86,000 profit from two shops, plus £30,000 rent from two properties he owned worth more than £600,000. He was rumbled after failing to declare a student loan for a law course - and then claimed his huge income came from delivering newspapers. Harrow crown court in North London heard Rahman has signed up for and dropped out of eight university courses since 2002, pocketing around £8,500 in loans and grants each time. Rahman, from Harrow, was ordered to do 400 hours of unpaid work.

This sentence equates to the government of the UK, or in other words us the taxpayer, paying this man £170.00 an hour for each of his 400 ‘hours’ unpaid work. He received £8500.00 for each Law course there were 8 of them totaling £68000.00 divided by 400 hours £170.00 per hour nice

work if you can get it.

Yours in Lunacy, Billy Benidorm.

Well Billy, I would have still been pissed of if this guy’s name had been John Smith and not as is Hafizur Rahman. Then again I don’t think the rules would have allowed John Smith to obtain a grant for such an amount and that’s where our policy of having different rules for individuals breaks down. I have no doubt that the person processing John Smiths application would have been allowed to ask a lot more questions of him, than he would have been of Mr. Hafizur Rahman.

But hey that’s why I moved to Spain.

Uncle Gerrard.

Dear Uncle Gerard,

in your life?"

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one - and, in classic style, he did not bat an eye in his response.

"Got drunk one night and shagged a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

I feel very embarrassed with my Dad’s behaviour of late, what should I do.

Gwen, El Poblets.

Dear Gwen, Don’t be embarrassed by your Dad’s behaviour. He probably can’t remember how stupid he looked in the multi coloured outfit he wore, the night he sneaked up on that peacock all them years ago. Try and find the boy again it could be your long lost brother. Then again you could just keep that mind of his active by getting him to write his one liner’s for ‘The Smuggler’

I took my dad to the Eroski the Yours Uncle Gerard. other day, to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite to eat in the cafeteria. I noticed he was watching an Sorry folks very English teenager sitting next to disappointed in the him. The teenager had spiked lack of response to hair in all different collast issues column. ours: Green, red, orange and “ Firstly Find A blue. My dad kept staring at Business To Buy” him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough he sarcastically asked: "What's the matter, old man, never done anything wild 44

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Guess the Name of the Star by solving the Anagram. Answers next issue. (or page 49) 1) - Shut it now, honey! (female)

11) - A daft silliness. (female)

2) - Mr Jawbones. (male)

12) - O! Fat Male (male)

3) - Large Fat Nose. (female)

13)- Ta! I Am A Nubile Girl (female)

4) - I Warm Millions. (male)

14) - Ha! illegal gram (male)

5) - I'm a jerk, but listen. (male)

15) - I'm a torso (female)

6) - Seen alive? Sorry, pal. (male)

16) - Two red rats (male)

7) - I Like 'Em Young. (female)

17) - Shut Beak (female)

8) - Nobby Lad. (male)

18) - Ill tapeworm (male)

9) - You Not Clever. (female)

19) - Try Large Git (male)

10) - Bursting Presence. (male)

20) - It Is A Raunchier Gal (female)

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