Agust08 issue

******A Free Magazine******

Costa Blanca Issue

Issue 17 August 2008

Warning This publication is aimed at open minded non-bigoted adult readers.

The stories contained in it are satire and parody and are ‘almost’ all fictitious.

Visit our web site at www.thesmuggler.es and join in our new forum, pass comment on the magazine, start a new topic, post a joke, or write a witty story.

From The Editor.

Next month, September, sees The Smuggler Magazine launch as a paid for magazine and to be quite honest I am full of trepidation at the thought of it crashing and burning. Not unlike that weekly newspaper that every one keeps reminding me of. I know however that you the readers, advertisers and contributors have built The Smuggler up to what it is today and will not want to be deprived of your monthly burst of humour and comment.

You will notice in this month’s issue, from some of the comments in ‘Letters to the Editor’ that not all our emails contain positive comment. We strongly believe in retaining the right to express our humour in the way we do. We do not intentionally go out of our way to insult or upset anyone, but we do not want to be restrained by ‘politically correct directives’ issued by jobs worth people, who could not express their point of view without first referring to their manual of P.C. Here’s a P.C. one for you to ponder.

Hansel and Gretel Hansel and Gretel were lost in the woods when they came upon a house made of candy and cake. An old witch invited them in and then captured both of them intending to eat them. Gretel had a chance save both of them by pushing the old woman in an oven but she decided that it would be wrong not to respect the witch's cultural traditions. So Gretel and her brother allowed themselves to be cooked and eaten. The witch was so happy with the children's actions that she invited all of her witch friends to the area. Soon thereafter, they ate every child in a hundred mile radius. Soon the whole area was filled with nothing but child eating witches and all the witches were very happy!

The Moral of the Story: You must respect the culture of others, even at your own expense!

Distribution Points For The Smuggler Magazine Listed On Page 63

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Deadline for adverts for the month of September is 25th August.

Due to the popularity of the Magazine Distribution points will be prioritised to advertisers and contributors.

The Smuggler takes no responsibility whatsoever on behalf of advertisers with regard to any claims made by, or information given in, advertisements contained within this publication. Under no circumstances can any part of this publication including text, illustrations, photographs or complete advertisements, be reproduced in any form without the express permission in writing of The Smuggler editor.

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Letters to The Editor Dear Ed After years of searching for a suitable publication to present my poetic genius to the world, i recently stumbled across The Smuggler (yes, i was drunk at the time ). Your immaculate flair for bad taste really inspired me.

My love for Spain & its people goes way back ( i spent a vacation there in 1958 !! ) Should you decide to publish my poem i promise it will not be sent to any other publication ( unless they pay me ). You have my word!!

(Its on page 17 Ed.) The word of a Yorkshire man who has lived in Iceland for the past 50 years!!.

Any royalties should be donated to my favourite Charity The retired tailors living in Iceland fund.

Colin Porter, Reykjavik Iceland.

Dear ED Someone just gave me a copy of your mag. After reading a few pages, I was so sickened by the racism, vitriol and general hatred, I thought this can´t be real.

Now it says on the front that it is parody and satire, but I suspect this is just a self delusional excuse to publish this crap. The kind of small minded bigoted rats from a sinking ship that would enjoy this don't deserve to live in this

country. I am ashamed to be English when I see stuff like this. Print this in your letters page if you are so open minded.

Tom Vickers.

Dear Tom Thank you for your much valued comment. It must be a very pleasant world that you live in.

ED (open minded, hence the Magazine) Dear Editor, I recently visited the Costa Blanca, and whilst there, was fortunate to read last months edition of your incredibly humorous magazine. I would just like to say that I would be more than happy to pay at least 1 â‚Ź for such a quality product.

Billy Lire, Wolverhampton.

(Via Email)

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Dear Ed, In an attempt to convince us that it is more rewarding to listen, rather than speak, a wise man once said, “your ears will never get you into trouble”.

Well I’ve got the words `Do you want a fight shithead?´ tattooed on both ears, and I’m always getting into scrapes. Do I win €100 for being your star letter?

A. Scallywag, Denia. (Via Email)

So what your trying to say is it’s going to get f*cking hotter.

Genius! (Ed)

The SAS, the Parachute Regiment and the Police decide to go on a survival weekend together to see who comes out on top. After some basic exercises the trainer tells them that their next objective is to go down into the woods and catch a rabbit, returning with it ready to skin and cook.

Dear Editor, Night falls.

I am an amateur meteorologist First up - the SAS. They don living on the Costa Blanca. Af- infrared goggles, drop to the ter studying all the natural sig- ground and crawl into the nals, i.e. plant cycles, sea tem- woods in formation. Absolute perature, and all the recent silence for 5 minutes, followed trends in June weather fluctua- by the unmistakable muffled tions, I would like to stick my "phut-phut" of their trademark neck out, and predict that the silenced "double-tap". They month of August will be see emerge with a large rabbit shot further dominating spells of cleanly between the eyes. high pressure, resulting in an "Excellent!" remarks the increase in temperate values, trainer. with very little risk of precipita- Next up - the Para 's. They tion. finish their cans of lager, smear Mike Fish, Alfaz Del Pi. themselves with camouflage

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cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods, screaming at the top of their lungs.

For the next hour the woods ring with the sound of rifle and machine-gun fire, hand grenades, mortar bombs and blood curdling war cries. Eventually they emerge, carrying the charred remains of a rabbit.

"A bit messy, but you achieved the aim; well done", says the trainer.

Lastly, in go the Coppers, walking slowly, hands behind backs whistling Dixon of Dock Green. For the next few hours, the silence is only broken by the occasional crackle of a walkie-talkie "Sierra Lima Whisky Tango Fanta One, suspect headed straight for you..." etc. After what seems an eternity, they emerge escorting a squirrel in handcuffs.

"What the hell do you think you are doing?" asks the incredulous trainer, "Take this squirrel back and get me a rabbit like I asked you five hours

ago!".

So back they go. Minutes pass.

Minutes turn to hours, night drags on and turns to day. The next morning, the trainer and the other teams are awakened by the police, holding the handcuffed squirrel, now covered in bruises, one eye nearly shut.

"Are you taking the p*ss!!??" asks the now seriously irate trainer.

The police team leader nudges the squirrel, who squeaks: "Alright, alright, I'm a f*ckin' rabbit!"

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients.

As he approached the receptionist desk he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo Wrestler. He gave her his name. In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, 'yes, I have your name here; you want to see the doctor about impotence, right?'

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, 'no, i've come to inquire about a sex change operation, but i don't want the same doctor that did yours.'

Greeting Cards Rejected by Hallmark: 1. I heard you had herpes ... and I feel terrible ... I'd say 'Get well

soon' ... but I know it's incurable.

2. Our love will never . . . become cold and hollow . . . unless, one day ... you refuse to swallow.

3. Heard your wife left you ... how upset you must be ... don't fret about your wife though . . . she's moving in with me.

4. Happy vasectomy! . . . hope you feel zippy . . . cause when I got one ...

I got real snippy.

5. You've announced that you're gay ... won't that be a laugh . . . when they find out you're ... one of the Joint Chiefs., of Staff.

6. This feels so good ... it feels so right ... I just wish it wasn't . . . â‚Ź250 a night.

7. You are the girl ... I long to be near... so I hope you get over . . . this bout of diarrhoea.

8. So your daughter's a hooker ... and it spoiled your day ... look on the bright side . . . she's a really good lay.

9. So you lost your job ... it's one of those hardships in life . . . next time, work harder ... and don't shag the boss's wife.

10. I bought this Valentine's card at the store ... in the hope that, later . . . you'd be my whore.

11. If you think that hickey . . . looks like a blister . . . check out the one ... I gave to your sister.

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12. My tyre was thumping ... I thought it was flat . . . when I looked at the tyre ... I found your cat ... Sorry!

Cyd the Cynic

rubber either. Read the instructions, understand them Guide to Sex and follow them. I know it Congratulations! You’ve done might not sound very sexy or it! You’ve followed the advice romantic but believe me, it’s a in last month’s column and whole lot better than finding you’ve got yourself a woman. out what it’s like to piss razor Great. Now comes the hard blades. Er…so I’ve been told. part. The act of sex. First of The next thing to do, just like all, in the words of the great any boy scout, is to be preDouglas Adams, DON’T pared. Will she be climbing PANIC! Just follow the advice between the cool, crisp linen in my ‘Guide to Sex’ and in no sheets of your bedtime love time at all you’ll be a demon chariot? Or will she be shakunder the duvet, a hit in the ing out the used tissues and hammock, and a supreme sup- suspect reading matter of your plier of the six-inch sausage. nocturnal flop pit? Change the Now, enough of the annoying, sheets, scrub the toilet, and asinine, air-headed alliteration, for God’s sake have a good read on… wash ‘down there’. Preferable First things first - health and with anti-bacterial soap. safety. You wouldn’t go out Next, setting the mood. If you swimming without your rubber are preparing or going for a ring, would you? Well, don’t meal beforehand, make it go with women without your something light and bland.

LES FINCH

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There’s nothing quite as successful at ruining a romantic moment as an ill-timed belch.

Especially one that’s curryflavoured! During the meal keep the chat light and bright.

At all costs avoid mentioning past lovers, sexual ‘quirks’, petty grievances with work mates and your commitment issues. Oh, and at least pay your share if eating out.

Watch the booze as well. The first problem with drink is that alters your perception of yourself. You might think you’re being a charming, sophisticated, witty lady-killer. When in actual fact you’re probably being a drooling, gibbering, slurring little prick with a wet stain on the front of your trousers.

And talking of little pricks, that’s brings me nicely on to the second problem with booze. I’ll leave it at that.

Anyone who doesn’t understand this reference and needs further information please contact raggedclown@thesmuggler.es (ha ha only joking Rag!).

Okay, so she’s back at your place now. That’s moves us right along to the next phase – foreplay. Now I know that in some men this inspires the same kind of feelings as seeing a long queue for an amusement ride, but try to get past this attitude. Take your time. Explore her body. Use all your senses. Taste her. Touch her.

Smell her. Talk to her. Be gentle. Be firm. Experiment. Be sensitive. Be caring. But most of all, take your time. Allow at least three minutes for foreplay. Any less and you’re almost certainly being a selfish lover. (“Hmmm!” – Cyd’s wife) Okay, so now here it comes (hopefully, quite literally!). The big moment! You’ve got your

protection on, you’ve managed to avoid any inappropriate bodily noises, you’ve limited your alcohol intake to the bare minimum (i.e. you can still get at least partially undressed), you’ve given her some attention, and now it’s pay back time. All aboard the Sky Lark!

So, what can I say about the actual act itself, then? Well, in my experience things just seem to fit together naturally. Just be careful not to overdo it – once in the morning and twice at night is enough for any man – you only a get bucket and a half remember. Oh, and watch your lower back. Another thing I’d advise is to go easy on the sex toys. An ex-girlfriend of mine used to be a nurse and spent time working in casualty.

Some of the things they had to use a muscle relaxant to remove were absolutely shocking! I’ve never looked at a whisk the same way since.

And when it’s all over?

What then? Well, you need to decide was it all just a bit of fun, a onenight stand, or was it something a bit more serious. My advice is to follow your heart and ask yourself some searching questions.

How do I feel about this woman? How does she feel about me? How rich is her father? Also, 7

be sensitive to her feelings. I remember one woman who insisted we had not had a onenight stand. I pointed out to her that we had only spent one night together so what else could it have been but a onenight stand? She explained that we had been lying down during most of the night. Being the gallant gentleman, I had to agree with her. Try to follow my example and you won’t go far wrong.

Next month – The next instalment of my series on how to handle women: Divorce proceedings,

A soldier ran up to a nun.

Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later.' The nun agreed.

A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, 'Sister, have you seen a soldier?'

The nun replied, 'He went that way.'

After the MP's ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister, you see, I don't want to go to Iraq.'

'The nun said, 'I understand completely.'

The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not being rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'

The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either.'

After several weeks of feeling lousy and in pain, John decided that he should finally see a doctor.

He asked his wife, Mary, to join him. So after waiting for an hour, they entered the room of the specialist recommended by their friends. The doctor examined John for more than a half hour, took blood test, x-rays and poked and prodded every available spot on his body.

After waiting an hour, the doctor asked Mary to come in to his office to speak privately.

"What is it?" Mary asked.

"Well, there is good news and bad news,?" said the doctor.

"Your husband has a very rare disease, that if he gets very stressed is most likely to become fatal."

"Well, What's the good news", asked Mary."

"Practice has shown that if you, as his wife, make sure that his life is stress free, he can go on living a very healthy, normal life.

What this means on a practical level is that you have to pamper him and do what he wants.

If he gets upset, agree with him.

Cook him his favourite foods regularly. Don't argue with him, even when you know you are right. Let him always think he is right and always be respectful of him.

Be available regularly in the romantic department and fulfil all his wishes."

Stunned, Mary leaves and heads to the reception room, where John was impatiently waiting.

"So." John asked, "What did the doctor tell you?"

"You're gonna die!"

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman. 'The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?' The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

RAFE PARKER

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The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again.For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put ÂŁ50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any

Mohammad the Afghan

Ten minutes later, back with the doctor and he had a wide came to the UK, he had only grin across his face "Doctor, I been here a few weeks when feel terrific, it worked ....What he became very ill. was wrong with me?"

He saw doctor after doctor, "Not much." said the docbut none of them could help tor ...."You were just a bit him.

One of his friends gave him the homesick." name of an Afghani doctor and Two retired Colonels Mohammad went to see him. were swapping sweaty stories The Afghani doctor said "Take in the club one evening. dees bucket into de odder "Came face to face with a tiger room, sh*t in de bucket, den once, old boy" said one. p*ss on de sh*t and den put "Really old chap - how does your head down over de one deal with a situation like bucket and breath in de fumes that" "Well, nothing I could do for ten minutes." really - I parted some vegetaMohammad took the bucket to tion and there the blighter was the adjoining room, where he - WAAAAAAAAA - SHiT my sh*t in it, then pi**ed on the pants!" sh*t, he then bent over the "Oh one’s quite entitled to shit bucket and began to breath in one's pants faced with a man the fumes.

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eating beast old chum" "What? - oh, no, I don't mean back then with the tiger old boy - no - just then when I said WAAAAAAA - I shit myself!"

Nike are making trainers for lesbians. They're calling them 'Nikes for Dykes!'

You get 50% more tongue and you can get them off with one finger.

What do you get if you cross a donkey with a onion?

A piece of ass that will make your eyes water.

money in the poor box!' explorer.

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, That was their revered chief,' but I rubbed the ÂŁ50 on the said God. 'Now you're fucked!' box, and according to you, A deeply religious man that's the same as putting it in!' lived next door to an atheist.

A jungle explorer woke The religious man prayed three up one morning to find himself times a day without fail and was regularly on his knees in surrounded by hundreds of communion with the Lord, but natives wielding bows and arrows. He said to himself: 'Oh, the atheist never went anywhere near a church. Yet while God, I'm fucked!' the atheist enjoyed a prosperAll of a sudden he heard a ous life with a well-paid job and voice from above booming down. 'No, you're not,' said the a loving family, the pious man voice. This is God. Go ye unto was poorly paid and had to put the man at the front there with up with a cheating wife and the paint on his face, drive your three tearaway kids. knife through his heart, and he One day, reeling at the injustice of it all, the believer looked up shall die.' to heaven and said: 'God, I So the explorer ran up, honour you every day and constabbed the guy at the front, fess to you my every sin, yet and, sure enough, he died. you have chosen to make my 'Now what, God?' asked the

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life thoroughly miserable. But my neighbour, who does not believe, has been granted every possible happiness. Why is this so, Lord? Why am I not blessed?'

And God replied: 'Because you're a fucking pest!'

Four high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes. After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tyre. Much to their relief she smiled and said: "Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper."

Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down.

Then she said: "First Question: Which tyre was flat?"

What did the maxi pad say to the fart?

You are the wind beneath my wings.

There's a new festival for Welsh Muslims, it's called Ramalamb.

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It was a hot Saturday evening in the

tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred. 'Have fun, kids!' the Mother said as they summer of 1960, and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the left. Half an hour later, a completely dishevelled bell. 'Oh, come on in!' Peggy Sue's Mother said Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her. 'Twist, Mom!' she as she welcomed Fred in. 'Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? angrily yelled to her Mother in the kitchen. 'The Twist, Dammit! It's called the Twist! ' Lemonade? Iced tea?' 'Iced tea, please,' Fred said. Mom brought the iced tea. 'So, what are Japanese scientists have created a camyou and Peggy planning to do tonight?' she era with a shutter speed so fast, they can now asked. 'Oh, probably catch a movie, then maybe photograph a woman with her mouth shut. grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a A boy asks his granny, “have you seen walk on the beach...'

'Peggy likes to screw, you know,' Mom informed my pills, they were labelled LSD?” granny replies, “f*ck the pills, have you seen the dragons him. 'Really?' Fred asked, eyebrows rose. 'Oh yes,' the Mother continued. 'When she goes out in the kitchen?!” with her friends, that's all they do!' 'Is that so?'

Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his asked Fred, incredulous. 'Yes,' said the Mother. room. dad reluctantly agrees. Next day Billy 'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we comes downstairs and asks, “dad, what’s love let her!' 'Well, thanks for the tip!' Fred said as juice?”

Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all he began thinking about alternate plans for the about sex.

Billy just sat there with his mouth evening. A moment later, Peggy Sue came down open in amazement.

Dad says, “so what were the stairs looking pretty as a picture, wearing a you watching?”

Billy says, “ Wimbledon !” pink blouse and a hoop skirt, and with her hair

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Kids Are Quick TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .

MARIA: Here it is.

TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?

CLASS: Maria.

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'

GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L' TEACHER: No, that's wrong GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for wa-

ter?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O. TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O. TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WINNIE: Me! TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.' MILLIE: I is..

TEACHER: No, Millie. Always say, 'I am.'

MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

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TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?!

LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?

CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

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Nike have produced a new another step, where he repeats really cold,” he complains, range of skin-tight jogging bottoms called ‘Mumblers’.

Several wags have commented that the name ‘Mumblers’ comes from the fact that you can see the lips moving but you can’t hear what’s being said.

In response to the rapidly

the whole thing. Eventually, being unable to control her curiosity, his mum asks him what on earth he is doing.

“Just practising for when I’m a grown-up,” he replies.

“Popping’ pills, eating’ pussy an’ moving’ on!”

A blonde is out with her first boyfriend. As they are walking home the boy persuades her to sit on a bench with him for a while in a deserted park. As it’s really cold the blonde puts her hands between her legs to keep them warm. The boy says that his A mum is watching hands are really cold too, and fascinated as her young son sits asks if he might be able to put halfway up the stairs. He puts his hands between her legs. a jellybean in his mouth, bits The blonde agrees. Then the the pet cat, then slides down boy gets an idea. “My penis is

rising oil price, Ireland have announced that they are buying 100,000 tons of sand from Saudi Arabia. A spokesman commented, “We’re going to dump the sand just outside Dublin and drill for our own fecking oil!”

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“Can I place that between you legs?”

After a moments thought, the blonde says, “OK.” Later, when she’s back home she asks her mother if she knows what a penis is.

“Of course I do,” replies the mother. “Make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don’t they?” says the blonde.

Things I Hate About Being Little Why do shoe shops put size 3 on the top shelf and size 7 at the bottom?

Why are handles too high to hold on the underground or airport buses?

Having a stiff neck when in the company of tall people.

Not being able to see the stage if someone sits in front of me.

Why are clothes rails built for 6ft people?

Why do people think that because you’re 5ft you’re also a size 0?

Why do most necklaces hang around my waist?

Why do dresses drag along the floor?

Why do trousers need chopping in half?

Why can I never see through door spy holes?

I always need the rest in a game of pool and when buying specs or sunglasses I can’t see in the blooming mirror.

I could go on but my pen is running out and the new one is on the top shelf.

(From one of our smaller readers!)

From our reader in Iceland.

(No not the bloody shop!)

‘Mummy’

Mummy ran away with a lesbian the lady who lived next door.

I’m not sure what a lesbian is I’ve not heard that word Before.

Daddies explanation didn’t help at all, so I’m really still not sure, I’m only six & rather small, so what’s a fucking whore ??

Mummy used to chat to her whilst waiting for the bus, they often spoke about daddy, & how he treated us.

He’d always been so nice to me, sometimes a bit of a twit The biggest problem seemed to be, he couldn’t find her clit !!

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I didn’t know shed lost it, or even what it was, but as Mummy explained to the lady, it was something all covered in moss !!

The lady was ever so helpful & said she would find it for sure, the searching took longer & longer it seems it was hiding next door!!

I’m glad that they finally found it, but sad that mummy has left, the mysterious clit I never did see, & daddies not mentioned it yet He did say if she ever comes back, he’ll let her know whose boss, I just think he has to make sure, her clit just never gets lost!!

Moses is sitting in the Egyptian ghetto, things are going terrible: the Pharaoh won't even talk to him, the rest of the Hebrews are mad at him for making the overseers even more irritable than usual, etc.

He's about ready to give up.

Suddenly a booming, sonorous voice speaks from above: "You, Moses, heed me. I have good news, and bad news."

Moses is staggered. The voice continues: "You, Moses, will lead the people of Israel from bondage. If the pharaoh refuses to release your bonds I will smite Egypt with a rain of frogs.

"You, Moses, will lead the people of Israel to the promised land. If the pharaoh blocks your way I will smite Egypt with a plague of locusts.

"You, Moses, will lead the people to freedom and safety. If the pharaoh’s army pursues you, I will part the waters of the red sea to open your path to the promised land."

Moses is stunned. He stammers, "That's, that's fantastic, I can't believe it! - but what's the bad news?"

"You, Moses, must write the environmental impact statement."

gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss.

She quietly sneaks out of the house and vows to return home at her normal time As Mark got older he was Having trouble the next day. with his joints!...

In the morning, the brunette says: "That was My wife went into the fun, we should do it again butchers and asked "Is that a sometime." pig's head in the window?"

"No way," says the blonde. "I Butch said "No, it's a mirror" almost got caught."

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.

"Hey, girls," says the brunette one day, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra 18

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A young fresh faced soldier lost his head during a fire fight and run for cover some distance for the action.

He had not only lost his prized beret but had also lost his webbing and weapon.

He was crouched down behind a wall when he felt a strong hand grip his shoulder and a calming voice behind him say what the F**k do you think your doing here soldier think of the regiment....get back there and do what your paid to do.....

The young soldier got himself back under control and said, ”sorry mate your right” The voice behind him bellowed "MATE...I'm the Fu**Ing RSM!!!

The young soldier replied "Sorry Sir I didn't realise I'd run Back that far.....

A little girl walks in to the lounge one Sunday morning where her Daddy is reading the paper. "Where does poo come from?" she asks.

Father feeling a little perturbed that his 5 year old daughter is already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says: "Well you know we just ate breakfast?"

"Yes," answers the girl.

"Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bottoms when we go to the toilet, and that is poo." The little girl looks perplexed, and stares at him in stunned silence for a few seconds and asks: "And what about Tigger?"

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Smuggler Office Banter.

Paul: “That man from Costal Cars has a sense of humour hasn’t he ‘English Cars at Spanish Prices” Editor: “Well not exactly Paul there was a bit of international dyslexia there on my part; it should have read ‘English Cars at Spanish Prices’ (whoops done it again) ‘Spanish Cars at English Prices’ is what it’s meant to be”.

Paul: “That’s a bit like saying it’s the same price on Bradford’s Dick Lane as it is on the N332 and we all know its more expensive on Dick Lane.”

Editor: “That’s a good analogy Paul, you been to Dick Lane then”?

Nothing like a good Bible story to make your day.

How Adam Got Eve Priceless.

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.

So, God asked him, 'What's wrong with you?

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to!

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.

He said, 'This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.

She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.

She will praise you!

She will bear your children. and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.

'She will NEVER have a headache and will freely

give you love and passion whenever you need it.'

Adam asked God, 'What will a woman like this cost?'

God replied, 'An arm and a leg.'

Then Adam asked, 'What can I get for a rib?'

Of course the rest is history............!!!!

21

tect himself, you slip the handcuffs on.'

'OK,' says the man, 'but what's the shotgun for?'

I’m glad you asked that,' says the service bloke. “If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla does, then shoot the fucking dog!”

'This little old lady calls

Fresh from my shower, I stood in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.

Instead of romantically telling me this is not true, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion: "If you want your Breasts to grow, then take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds every day" Willing to try anything, I got a piece of toilet paper and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

How long will this take?" I asked.

They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.

I stopped "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger

999. When the operator answers she yells, 'Help, send the police to my house right away.

There's a damn Labour MP on my front porch and he's playing with himself. ' I beg your pardon?' said the operator.

'I said there's a damn Labour MP on my front porch playing over the years?" with I himself and he's weird; I Without missing a beat he said don't know him and I'm afraid!

"Worked for your arse, didn't Please send the police,' the it? little old lady repeated.

This bloke wakes up one 'Well, now,' said the operator.

'How do you know he's a Lamorning to find a gorilla in a tree in his garden. He looks in bour MP?' 'Because if he was a Tory,' said the phone book for a gorilla the old lady, 'he'd be screwing removal service until he finds somebody!' one. ' Is it a boy gorilla or a girl gorilla?' the service bloke asks.

'Boy gorilla', replies the man.

'Right-on says the service bloke. I’ll be round in a jiffy.'

An hour later the service bloke shows up with a stick, a Pit Bull Terrier, a shotgun and a pair of handcuffs.

'Right,' he says to the man. I’m going to climb the tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does, this highly trained Pit Bull will tear the gorilla's balls off.

When the gorilla crosses his hands over his crotch to pro22

Q: Why do the Irish Rangers send three men out on a patrol?

A: One to read the map and two to guard the intellectual.

Q: What do you call a Welshman with a sheep under his arm?

A: A newly wed.

Q: What's the similarity between a lawyer and a sperm?

A: Only one in a million turns out to be a human.

Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man?

A: How do you breathe through that thing?

23

Q: What's the violent, alcoholic, mental patient's catchphrase?

A: I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy Q: Why don't men have midlife crisis.

A: They stay stuck in adolescence.

Q: What do you call a Welshman man with two sheep under his arms?

A: A pimp.

During the war an officer got caught getting a blow-job by a female spy.

He was later faced court martial for insertion in the face of the enemy.

so, the alligator ran up and sank his teeth right into the sergeantmajor's lovetruncheon. The sergeant-major barely winced. 'This,' he shouted, 'is what we in the Parachute Regiment call COMMITMENT!' He waited several seconds more to make his point and then swiftly jabbed the alligator in both eyes with his fingers.

The alligator flipped over on his back, jumped up, and ran into the corner of the office, glaring angrily at the sergeant-major.

'That, you 'orrible bunch, is what we in the Paras call COMMITMENT. Now which one of you 'orrible little men is ready to demonstrate his COMMITMENT?' There was much shuffling of feet and murmuring until finally one young lad stepped forward. 'I will, sergeant-major,' he said, 'but you've got to promise not to poke me in the eyes.'

A sergeant-major in the Para's was giving a lecture to some raw recruits.

'If you want to be a part of this regiment,' he shouted at them, 'then you need to have COMMITMENT! What do you need?'

'COMMITMENT, sergeantmajor!' the recruits all shouted back.

'Right, I shall now demonstrate my COMMITMENT to this regiment.' The sergeant-major then ordered one of the men to open a nearby door.

Almost as soon as the squaddie turned the handle, the door was pushed open and in slithered a 10-foot-long alligator, An Essex snarling and snapping. man goes to a The sergeant-major then undid fancy dress party, his belt and dropped his trouwith blonde sers. Almost as soon as he did

24

draped over his shoulder. 'I've come as a tortoise,' he says, and points to the girl on his back, 'and this is Michelle.'

Q: How can you tell a Frenchman's been in your garden?

A: Your dustbin's empty and your cat is pregnant .

25

BALLS-UP A LA MAR from Scotland, felt he was level. I couldn’t believe what I Hordes of disgruntled visitors left the Costa Blanca town of Denia last month, vowing never to return, following a less than successful Bous a la Mar. This popular event has long been the top summer attraction for many decades, but now risks being scrubbed from the calendar. It involves people being chased down the street by a few disinterested bulls, to a small stadia erected in the port, whereafter, hordes of macho men attempt to lull the bovine beasts into the sea. However, this year’s event was marred by claims from participants that `the bulls´ weren’t quite up to scratch.

duped.

“Though I’ve lived here for a couple of years, I’d never actually participated in the event. I’d heard about it from friends that had previously taken part. They explained it was second only to Pamplona, and despite the obvious element of danger, I was led to believe that I and my friend from Glasgow, Natalie, would come away with life-long memories. Personally, I’ve experienced more of a threat to my safety when I’d once visited the Bullring Shopping Centre in Birmingham than I did in the bullring of Denia.”

saw! All these people came running down the street, closely followed by what can only be described as a small herd of bewildered dairy cows. Their front legs were completely out of sync with their rear legs, they wore pink ribbons on their heads, and had really long eyelashes. One of them had its head turned around in completely the wrong direction. It was farcical! My dog Scooter looks more fearsome.”

Despite the obvious let-down, the real danger exists in the bullring itself. This is when you have to have your wits about you in the ultimate challenge of man versus beast. Again, the He continued, “We observed the event didn’t quite live up to actual running of the bulls first; Paul’s expectations.

First time participant, Paul of really just to assess the danger Denia, and his invited guest

26

“I’d made it abundantly clear to Natalie that she should remain behind the safety bars surrounding the arena. I didn’t want her risking injury to herself, what with her being a model and all. I wasn’t going to take any chances either. I’ll freely admit to being a bit wary at the time. I needn’t have bothered. When they opened the gate, out trotted this pathetic black and white creature.

It spent most of the time trippingup over itself. It even snapped one of its horns off when it inadvertently collided with a wall. Instead of it chasing people, everyone was chasing it around. Eventually it collapsed into a heap and had to be dragged away to safety.

Actually, when it reached the safety of the tunnel, I could have sworn it broke into two.”

more active part. Being from Glasgow, she has a way of weighing up danger. She ran to the bull and leapt onto its back, slapping her thighs and singing a selection of country and western songs.

Everyone was cheering and clapping as she eventually brought the creature to its knees. In the end she punched it in the mouth and walked away saying that she needed a beer. Me and a bunch of other guys then proceeded to carry the bull over our heads and chuck it into the sea. I then decided to go for a beer as well. I’ll be honest; it wasn’t what I’d expected.”

and cruel.´ So this year, I buys costumes of cows instead. I think you calls them… uhhh… plantomine cows! You know, for children to watch at time of Christmas. I was in front of one of cows, y mi hermano was in it’s bottom. We not do this before.

We was very hot in cow, and I no see where I is going. Somebody even to punch me on nose once.

We say no to do this again.”

Due to the criticism aimed at Señor Toros, mainly because of the lack of human casualties at this year’s event, he has vowed to use his largest and most Royturds News Agency aggressive bulls next year; in an decided to investigate further. attempt to improve the runWe tracked down the man, ning/maiming ratio. normally responsible for supplying bulls for the event, Fer- He stated, “The year next, I use nando Toros, and explained to no more the cows. This Paul, and him the disappointment of our Natalie from Scotch land, they get interviewee. He was forthright tickets very special. They first to meet my special bull. He has in his confession. name `Cabron Del Diablo´. He “I always proud of my bulls. But big and likes peoples very much.”

He added, “The second bull wasn’t much better. More often than not, the front part ran around with its rear legs just dragging behind it. Sometimes its rear-end actually overtook its front-end. It last year, peoples from other was at this point that Natalie countries, they say`hey you sods, August 2008: Royturds dredged up the courage to take a why you use live things? Is bad News Agency.

27

This bloke Sam's been working on the stock exchange for 15 years and the stress has finally got to him. So he quits his job and buys a cottage in the middle of nowhere, right up in the highlands of Scotland.

For six months he doesn't see a soul, until one evening, just as he's finishing his dinner, there's a knock on his front door. He opens it and there, on his door step, is a gigantic, gingerbearded Scotsman in a kilt.

'Name's Hamish. I'm your neighbour from the other side of the glen. I'm having a party on Saturday and I thought you might like to come along.'

'That's very kind of you,' says Sam. 'After six months of this I'm ready to meet some of the locals. Thank you very much.'

'Good,' says Hamish with a smile. 'I better warn you, though, there's gonna be some serious drinking done.'

'No problem,' replies Sam. 'After 15 years in the stock markets I can drink with the best of them.'

'More than likely be a bit of punch-up at some point as well,' says Hamish.

'Oh, I'm sure I'll be OK,' says Sam. 'I can look after myself, and besides I tend to get along with most people.'

'One last thing,' says Hamish as he turns to leave, I’ve seen some pretty wild sex at these parties, as well.'

'Well, now you're talking,' says Sam, 'what time should I come over?'

'Oh, whatever time suits you,' says Hamish. 'After all, it's only going to be the two of us.'

It was the stockbroker's first day in prison and on meeting his psychotic-looking cell mate he became even more nervous than ever.

'Don't worry, mate,' said the prisoner when he noticed how scared the stockbroker looked. I’m in for a white-collar crime, too.'

'Oh, really?' said the stockbroker with a sigh of relief. ' Yeah,' said the prisoner. ' I murdered a priest.' at Benidorm’s Sea World (known as ‘Mundo Mar’ in foreign) complained they haven’t had a drink in days. A spokesAnother Smuggler exclusive! man said, “If it wasn’t for their In a shock announcement yes- superior mental capacity, they would have died days ago.” It terday the Spanish Government has declared a water-for- is believed that this cryptic goldfish ban as part of its most comment refers to the way dolphins have been winning recent drought initiative. drinks from hapless British With temperatures well into tourists, unaware of the dolthe 30s, top gold fish experts phin’s greater brainpower. believe that ‘it will only be a “One of them even won a few days before the water in gold fish bowls has evaporated packet of pork scratchings off causing the death of hundreds me as well as a pint, in an underwater swimming contest,” of little golden fish’. complained one badly out-of“It’s a tragic day for fairbreath holidaymaker. He later grounds,” declared Throwdied of a suspected heart atThe-Hoop-Over-The-Bottle tack, but at least he got his stall owner Juan O’Shaugessy.

“Who is going to visit my stall round in first.

General do-gooder and all and others like it if they can’t round twat Jamie Oliver win a gold fish?” stepped into the debate by And the problem is not just announcing a range of goldfish restricted to gold fish. Although their pools will still be & dolphin recipes for under a fiver. “It’s pukka, give it some, supplied with water, dolphins

GOLDFISH THREATENED BY DROUGHT

28

come on big fella,” he announced, incomprehensively.

The water ban for fishes seems even more bizarre after it was also announced that Spain would be granting human rights to apes and chimps. The irony of bestowing these privileges on primates, yet still allowing the torturing to death of thousands of bulls appeared totally lost on the Spanish government. When The Smuggler pointed this out to a government spokesman he squinted through the smoke from his fag and said, “Eh, you taking the piss?” We decided not to push the point, as we still haven’t got round to putting our car onto Spanish plates yet.

A Costa Blanca women's group arranged a trip to a dairy

farm out in the country. For most of them, having lived their entire life in Essex, it was a new experience. On arrival, they were greeted by the farmer who gave them a tour of the premises before asking if there were any questions.

One blue-rinsed matron by the name of Julie raised her hand and asked: 'Can you tell me why the cow in this stable doesn't have any horns?'

The farmer cocked his head for a moment, before answering: 'Well, ma'am, cattle can do a heck of a lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep 'em trimmed with a hacksaw.

Other times we can fix up the young 'uns by putting' a couple of drops of acid where their horns would grow, and that

29

stops them cold. And there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns.

But the reason this cow don't have no horns, ma'am, is 'cause it's a horse.'

There was a long queue for the toilet on a flight from Washington to Boston.

But everything was perfectly orderly until a self-important businessman tried to push in and created a scene that required the intervention of one of the female flight attendants.

I'm sorry, sir,' she explained politely, 'but the queue starts back there.' 'I haven't got time to get in line,' he blustered. I've got important business to conduct on my laptop. I'll be wasting twenty precious minutes just standing here.' The flight

attendant stood firm. 'I cannot allow you to barge your way in, sir,' she said. 'You'll have to get in line like everyone else.' The businessman lost his temper and yelled: Fuck you!' Still smiling sweetly, the flight attendant responded: 'I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too!'

turned to their cabin, he decided to take a nap. While he slept, the wife took the boat out to enjoy the beautiful scenery. Unfamiliar with the geography of the lake, she rowed out to the middle, dropped anchor and began reading her book.

A few minutes later, another boat pulled alongside. It was A man and his grandson the game warden. went fishing. After an hour on 'Do you mind if I ask what the riverbank, the man lit a you're doing, ma'am?' cigarette.

'Reading my book,' she replied.

'Grandpa,' asked the boy, 'can I 'Well, I'm afraid this is a retry one of your cigarettes?' stricted fishing area, and you're 'Can you touch your asshole not allowed to be here.' with your penis?' asked the 'But I'm not fishing,' she prograndfather. 'No,' said the boy. tested.

Then you're not old enough for He glanced at the boat. 'But cigarettes.' you have all this equipment. I'm Half an hour later, the grandfa- sorry, but I'm going to have to ther opened a can of beer. report you.'

'Grandpa, can I try some of 'If you do,' she argued, 'I'll your beer?' charge you with rape.'

The old man looked at him.

'But I didn't touch you!'

'Can you touch your asshole 'No, but you have all the equipwith your penis?' ment!'

'No,' said the boy solemnly.

Then you're not old enough for A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the M25. Nothing beer.' is moving.

Ten minutes later, the boy Suddenly a man knocks on the took some cookies from his lunchbox. They look good,' said window. The driver his grandfather. 'Can I have one rolls down his window and asks, 'What's going of your cookies?' on?'

I he boy said: 'Can you touch your asshole with your penis?' 'Terrorists down the road have hijacked a 'I sure can,' replied the old coach containing the man. Then go fuck yourself Prime Minister these are my cookies.

Gordon Brown and his A Boston couple went top aides Alistair Daraway on vacation to Canada. ling, David Miliband The husband loved to, fish, but and Jack Straw. the wife was happy reading.

They're asking for a One morning the husband set ÂŁ10 million ransom. off to fish and when he reOtherwise they're 30

going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire..

We're going from car to car, taking up a collection.

The driver asks, 'How much is everyone giving, on average?

'Well, most people are giving about a gallon.'

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

He says, I'm doing some research for Vaseline.

Have you ever used the product?

She says, Yes. My husband and I use it all the time. If you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?

We use it for sex.

The researcher was a little taken back. Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge.

In fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty.

Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how

you use it for sex?

The woman says, I don't mind telling you at all.

My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out.

other. So, they end up getting married.

On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the evening. When she A very nice, innocent returns to the bedwoman from Australia wants to room, she finds her get married, but she is new husband standing only willing to marry a man if in the he has never had sex with an- middle of the room, other woman. naked. All the furniAfter several unsuccessful years ture from the room is of searching, she decides to piled in one corner. take out a "What happened?" she asks. personal ad. She ends up cor"I've never been with a woman" responding with a man who has he says, "But if it's anything like lived his entire life a in the Australian Outback and kangaroo, I'm going to need all he has no experience with the room I can get!" women. She is very After 20 years of marhappy with him, and she feels riage, a couple was lying in bed that they are perfect for each

31

one evening, when the woman felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.

He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.

Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg.

He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?

I found the remote, he mumbled.

A lady Canadian libertarian wrote a lot of letters to the government, complaining about the treatment of a captive insurgents (terrorists) being held in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.

She received back the following reply: National Defence Headquarters Maj Gen George R. Pearkes Bldg, 15 NT 101 Colonel By Drive Ottawa, ON K1A 0K2 Canada.

ing held by Afghan officials in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.

Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions were heard loud and clear here in Ottawa . You will be pleased to learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself; we are creating a new department here at the Department of National Defense, to be called 'Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers' program, or L.A.R.K. for short.

In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to divert one terrorist and place him in your personal care. Your personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence in Toronto next Monday. Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint. It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers.

We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommend in your letter.

offer counselling and home schooling.

Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-tohand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.

Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire. I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka over time.

Just remember that it is all part of 'respecting his culture and religious beliefs' as described in your letter.

Thanks again for your concern.

We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed Although Ahmed is a sociopath of the proper way to do our Dear Concerned Citizen, and extremely violent, we hope job and care for our fellow Thank you for your recent let- that your sensitivity to what man. You take good care of you described as his 'attitudinal Ahmed and remember, we'll be ter expressing your profound problem' will help him overconcern of treatment of the watching. Good luck and God Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists come these character flaws. bless you.

Perhaps you are correct in decaptured by Canadian Forces Cordially, who were subsequently trans- scribing these problems as Minister of National Defence. ferred to the Afghanistan Gov- mere cultural differences. We ernment and are currently be- understand that you plan to 32

33

An old man and his

She watches as he wipes a wife were lying in bed. Af- tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. ter a few minutes, he let 'What's the matter, dear?' out an almighty fart and she whispers as she steps shouted, 'Seven points.' into the room, 'Why are His wife rolled over and you down here at this time said: 'What in the world of night?' was that?'

The husband looks up from The old man said: Touchhis coffee, 'I am just redown, I'm ahead 7-0.' membering when we first A few minutes later, the met 20 years ago and wife, entering into the started dating. You were spirit, let one go and deonly 16. Do you remember clared: 'Touchdown, tie back then?' he says solscore.' emnly.

But ten minutes later, the The wife is touched to old man farted again and tears thinking that her husannounced: Touchdown, band is so caring, so sensiI'm ahead 14-7.' tive.

Not to be outdone, the 'Yes, I do' she replies. wife quickly farted again The husband pauses. The and said: Touchdown, tie words were not coming score.' easily.

Desperate to regain the lead, the old man strained 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the really hard, but he just back seat of my car?' couldn't force out a fart.

'Yes, I remember!' said the He gave it everything he wife, lowering herself into a had and in the end he chair beside him. strained so hard that he The husband continues. pooped in the bed.

The wife asked: 'Now what 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in in the world was that?'

The old man replied: 'Half- my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or time, switch sides.'

I will send you to jail for 20 A woman awakes dur- years?' ing the night to find that 'I remember that too' she her husband was not in replies softly. their bed.

He wipes another tear She puts on her dressing from his cheek and says... gown and goes downstairs 'I would have been released to look for him. today.'

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of The Peas suddenly realised the package him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring trip to Iceland as a con‌. at the wall.

34

35

I got a new set of Wiper Blades on my car.

I think they might be too big because they hang over the edges, but I don't care, they work great.

I have to say that they are the only blades I have ever had that I actually like to watch working.

Call me crazy, but lately I have been driving around non-stop with them on.

I've even been pulled over and the cop asked to go for a ride so he could watch them work.

They were outrageously expensive, but safety is my main concern and like I said, they work great.

Let me know if you would like a pair for your car for Christmas.

36

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach. As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.

She tells her son, "The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is."

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does. She replies, "The bigger they are, the dumber the man is."

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play. Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother, "Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.

1964 miss" At that point, a scouser at the back said, "Little brown tw*t."

The teacher incensed, glares around and asks "All right! Enough! Now, who said that?"

Again, Chandrasekhar says, " Lord Louis Mountbatten to Mahatma Gandhi, 1946."

Totally pissed off, another scouser yells, "you're a f**kin' tosser!"

Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his It was the first day back at school in hand and shouts to the teacher, "1997, Barry Toxteth and a new Sri Lankan student named Gibb to Clive Anderson on his television show Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth miss!" year.

The teacher fainted.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing And as the class gathered around the teacher some local history and personalities. Who sang on the floor, one of the scousers said, "Oh shit, 'Imagine there's no heaven, it's easy if you try'?". we're f**ked now!" Chandrasekhar whisShe saw a sea of blank faces, except for pered............................................

Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up: "John "Gordon Brown after the Glasgow East ByWinston Lennon miss, born 1940, shot dead in Election , July 2008."

New York in 1980" he said.

"Very good!" said the teacher.

"We'll continue, who said ' Somebody said that football is a matter of life and death. It's not. It's far more important than that!'?"

Again, no response excep from Chandrasekhar.

"Bill Shankly miss, manager of Liverpool football club from 1959 'til 1974" said Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our city, knows more about this country's people and history than you do."

In a harsh scouse brogue, she heard a loud whisper: "F**king Pakis."

"Who said that?" the teacher demanded.

Chandrasekhar put his hand up. "Enoch Powell, 37

The Ragged Clown

the person talking about ‘Team It’s bad to be back, it’s bad to Smuggler’ really did do that annoying little action with her be back! fingers). There was a ‘mug’ I’m back! I’m rehabilitated! I’m though, I pointed out. ‘Leave allowed out on my own again. the editor out of it,’ I was told.

I’ve got my job with The Smug- Anyway, back to things that gler back - they said they’d kept piss me off about living in Spain. it open for me, although I sus- First thing is all the petty little pect they couldn’t find anyone else to work this cheap. No matter, I’m back!

First of all I would like to express my thanks for all the letters, faxes, emails and cards I received wishing me luck during my illness (all one of them). I suppose I should explain to Mrs Elsie Hoskins that I wasn’t really sick. It was what us writers call a ‘literary device’ enabling me to move my writing in new directions. It was a really nice thought though! Thank you.

I am going to keep the pretence of having been away going for a few more months however.

That way, I can write about all the things I’ve government officials (police missed while I’ve been away. officers, tax clerks) who insist And all the things I’ve not on speaking Valenciano instead missed. You know, all the of Spanish (yeah, guess who’s things about living in Spain that just got his car taxed). Now I piss me off. Now I know this is don’t expect preferential treattechnically Cyd the Cynic’s ment because I’m English, but I territory but like I said, I’m do expect equal treatment. moving my writing in new diThere are only four official rections. I’m sure Cyd will languages in Spain, and Valenunderstand, we’re all on ‘Team ciano isn’t one of them! Get Smuggler’, after all. Talking of used to it.

‘Team Smuggler’, at a recent Next, is anyone else sick of team building session it was shop girls looking at you like pointed out that there was no you’re stupid because you did‘I’ in ‘Team Smuggler’ (and yes, 38

n’t quite catch if they said ‘setenta’ (70) or ‘sesenta’ (60)?

They do sound alike, don’t they? Or maybe it’s just me.

The next thing that annoys me is why, even after I’ve lived in Spain for years, do I still, every now and then, go to open the door on the wrong side of the car? You always feel so bloody stupid, sitting there looking at the glove box, wondering who’s nicked your steering wheel.

And another thing, whenever I’ve done it, there’s always, and I mean always, someone watching.

Last time it happened to me (earlier today) it was a smug looking German, sitting there in his airconditioned, personalised paint colour top-of-therange Mercedes.

How cool he thought he looked sitting there in Lidl’s car park I’ll never know. Prat! Time before that it was a Valencianospeaking shop girl, who gave a knowing nod, as if to say, ‘thought so,’.

Also, why oh why can’t you get a decent deep crust pizza here?

I’m sick of having to go to a town with a Pizza Hut in order to get a halfway filling pepperoni and onion. And don’t even get me started on the thin, halfcooked, greasy, anaemiclooking worm casts that pass

for chips here. I would hesitate before I fed them to a dog. A starving dog. A starving dog with a penchant for soggy potatoes. And while we’re on the subject of food, why is there only one Kentucky Fried Chicken on the Costa Blanca?

Bugger all the problems about water, pollution, green house gases and the credit crunch.

Where are all the KFCs? That’s what the politicians should be worrying about.

Why don’t they get their priorities right?

And what about the noise?

The bloody noise! Car horns, mopeds, fireworks, shouting, screaming kids, rubbish trucks, angle grinders, building sites.

I’m surprised there are so

many cemeteries in Spain.

How the hell all the noise doesn’t wake their inhabitants I’ll never know.

Finally, what about this weird sense of time they have over here? I had a meeting a while back with a senior figure in a large company. The meeting was scheduled for 10am. At 10:40 the receptionist suggested I should go for a coffee at a nearby café. When I returned at 11:10 there was still no sign of my appointee. At twenty past eleven she finally showed up. But what really got me, and I mean what really got my back right up, was that she never even apologised. I was fuming. But when I told people about it they just

39

shrugged their shoulders and said, “Ah well, that’s Spain!”

No it isn’t. It’s downright bad manners, that’s all.

Well that’s just about all the space they allow me. Just got enough room to mention that I see they’re going to be charging for The Smuggler next month. This’ll be interesting.

Only way we’re going to go forward though I suppose.

Oh, and by the way, if you’re writing in to complain about me slagging off living in Spain, try to come up with something a little more original than ‘Why don’t you bugger off back to England, then’. Thanks. I can be contacted on. raggedclown@thesmuggler.es

A woman in a restaurant farted loudly just as the waiter was approaching her table.

Knowing that everyone in the place must have heard the noise, she desperately tried to save face by telling the waiter.

'Stop that!' The waiter said: 'Sure, lady. Which way is it headed?'

Two old ladies were comparing the merits of stockings and tights.

I prefer stockings,' said one.

'Me too,' said the other. 1 think they're more refined and elegant, don't you?'

'Definitely. Besides, if I fart wearing tights I usually blow my slippers off!'

Alone in an elevator, an Avon lady could no longer hold in a fart. Immediately after letting it go, she reached into her bag and sprayed the air with deodorizer.

Two floors later, a man got in and began to sniff. 'Can you smell something?' asked the Avon lady.

'Yes, I can,' said the man.

'What does it smell like?'

'Mmm,' he mused. It smells like someone crapped in a pine tree.'

People Who Fart: The vain person one who loves the smell of his own farts.

The amiable person - one who loves the smell of other people's -farts.

The proud person one who thinks his farts are exceptionally fine.

The shy person - one who releases silent farts, then blushes.

The imprudent person one who boldly farts out loud, and then laughs.

The unfortunate person one who tries hard to fart, but shits instead.

The nervous person - one who stops in the middle of a fart.

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The honest person - one who admits he farted, but offers a plausible medical reason.

The dishonest person - one who farts but blames the dog.

The thrifty person - one who always holds several farts in reserve.

The unsociable person one who excuses himself and farts in private.

The strategic person - one who conceals his farts with loud coughing.

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Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.

A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills... she has 14 kids but doesn't really care.

One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5 lbs.

My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

The nice part about living in a small town Oliva is that when you don't know what you are doing, Keith always does.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness.

I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my knickers.

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2 sizes!

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like...'You know sometimes I forget to eat!' Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name and my keys, but I have never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day!

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West Jet is an Airline with head office situated in Calgary, Alberta. West Jet airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight 'safety lecture' and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported: On a West Jet flight. There is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want.

Passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, 'People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!'

On another West Jet Flight with a very 'senior' flight attendant crew, the pilot said, 'Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.'

On landing, the stewardess said, 'Please be sure to take all of your belongings.

If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.''

There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane. ''Thank you for flying West Jet Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.'

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Ontario, a flight attendant on a West Jet flight announced, 'Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.

'From a West Jet Airlines employee: 'Welcome aboard West Jet Flight 245 to Calgary. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.'' In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling, stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face.

If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite.' 'Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than West Jet Airlines.

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Forgotten City to Be Officially Forgotten

"Hold on a minute," screamed the Pope, "You can't publish that photograph, you'll destroy The sunken 'Forgotten City' of the reputation of the Catholic Hull in East Yorkshire, soChurch." called because of the lack of "This photograph is my lottery government assistance it rewin," replied the photographer, ceived in the wake of the re"I'll be financially secure for cent flooding, is to be 'officially life." forgotten' according to an anSo, the Pope offered to buy the nouncement from Downing camera and film from the phoStreet this morning. tographer, and Prime Minister after lots of neCATCH PHRASE gotiation, they Gordon Brown told journalists outside SAY WHAT YOU SEE. eventually setnumber 10 that, as tled on a figure Hull had been largely of Two Million forgotten about by Pound. most people anyway, The Pope dried it was "probably bethimself off and ter to forget about it headed off with altogether, and have his new camera. done with it."

He met his Hull, situated at sea housekeeper, level on the north who spotted the NOOOOOH! THE ANSWER IS bank of the River camera. "That ‘HOLD DOWN A JOB’ Humber, was sublooks like a merged by the heavy really good camera," she said, flooding, with 4 out of 5 doFC and Hull Kingston Rovers, "How much did it cost you?" mestic households suffering have had their fixtures can"Two million pound," replied extensive damage. Much of the celled. the Pope. city is still under water today, Former Deputy Prime Minister, "Two million pound," shrieked and the low-lying city centre John Prescott, the MP for Hull the housekeeper, "They must area has been dubbed East, moaned: "It's such a have seen you coming."

"Atlantis". shame, such a waste. All those A man went to see the Last week, it was announced chip shops gone forever!" nurse for his annual check up. that £2.1million of government The Pope was having a She looked at him and said "I money had been set aside to shower, although he is very think you should stop masturrepair some of the damage, but strict about the rules of celibating". residents have complained that bacy, he occasionally felt the "Why?", he asked, this amount is an insult, and need to exercise the right "Well," She said "Because I'm akin to being "forgotten". trying to examine you!"

Mr Brown, after promising the wrist, and this was one of those occasions. Just as he cash, added: "To say that one reached the Papal Climax, he has forgotten about a place implies that one already knew saw a paparazzi photographer capturing the moment the Holy about, or was familiar with, that place to start with. I knew Seed flew through the air. nothing about Hull whilst it was above water, and will lose little sleep over it now it is not. It has been consigned to the sea and I have erased it from my memory."

Map makers have been instructed to re-draw the British coastline excluding, what was, East Yorkshire, and local sports teams, including Hull City, Hull

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The Conference Pears made fruitless attempts to communicate on their Blackberries

Kevin had spent the entire day downloading Corn from the Internet

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National security update Our London correspondent reports that, in light of recent terrorist threats, the British authorities have raised their security level from 'Miffed' to 'Peeved'. It would appear that security levels may be raised yet again to 'Irritated' or even 'A Bit Cross'. Londoners have not been 'A Bit Cross' since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. In the meantime terrorists have been recategorised from 'Tiresome' to 'A Bloody Nuisance'. The last time the British issued a 'Bloody Nuisance' warning was during the great fire of 1666.

In France the French authorities also announced that it had raised its terror level from 'Run' to 'Hide'. The only two higher levels in France are 'Surrender' and 'Collaborate'. The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's only white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

It's not only the French and English that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from 'Shout Loudly and Excitedly' to 'Elaborate Military Posturing'. Two more levels

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remain: 'Ineffective Combat Operations' and 'Change Sides'.

Elsewhere in Europe Germany has increased it's alert from 'Disdainful Arrogance' to 'Dress In Uniform And Sing Marching Songs'. They also have two higher levels: 'Invade a Neighbour' and 'Lose'. Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual and the only threat they have to worry about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are in a high state of excitement following the deployment of their new submarine fleet. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a good view of the old Spanish navy. Washington has announced that there will be no change to the strategy that has served the country so well over the last 100 years. A spokesperson confirmed that the guiding principles remained as 'Sit on the fence until you know who is winning' followed by 'Bomb the s*** out of everything then find out who's side they were on'

ia d n Ga

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What do you call a

The new husband and

Frenchman advancing on Baghdad? - A salesman.

wife retired to the honeymoon suite, the new husband went into the bathroom to take a shower.

His wife called from the bedroom "Honey I have a question that I have been meaning to ask you for a while now but I'm a little shy".

"Sweetheart there is no reason to be shy now we are married, what did you want to ask me?"

She replied "Well I've always wanted to know what a penis is".

"Just give me a moment and I'll be out and I will happily answer you question" he replied & splashed a little more after shave on and wrapped a towel around his waist and entered the bedroom with a beaming smile on his face.

Why didn't France want to bomb Saddam Hussein? - He hates America, he loves mistresses, and he wears a beret.

He is French.

Why did the Americans want France on their side in the war in Iraq? - To show the Iraqis how to surrender.

Why do the French call their fighter plane the Mirage? - Because it's never been seen in a combat zone.

How do you confuse a French soldier? - Give him a rifle and ask him to fire. it.

George W. Bush and the French ambassador to the United Nations were debating the Iraq crisis. Through an interpreter, Bush said that he believed the conflict with Saddam Hussein could turn into a bloodbath. The French ambassador did not understand. Then an aide explained to Bush: There is no word for "bath" in French.'

Where is the best place to hide anything from a French woman? - Under the soap.

What do you call a Frenchman who wears sandals? - Philippe Philoppe.

A Frenchman walked into a bar with a toad on his head.

'What the heck is that?' asked the bartender. 'I don't know,' said the toad. It started as a wart on my arse and grew.'

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"What was your question honey"? he asked.

Shyly he replied "Well I've always wanted to know what a penis is" With a flourish he pulled the towel of his body and proudly pointed to his member and said "This my darling is a penis".

She look for a moment then said" OH! the same as a cock only SMALLER”.

4 German dwarves went to Amsterdam’s red light district.

They decided to hire out a 6 ft prostitute. They went back to their hotel room, stripped off, attached springs to their feet and gave this prossie the best fcuk of her life. Its what’s known in the business as the four sprung dwarf technique.

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British Army Answer Phone.

Thank you for calling the British Army. I'm sorry, but all our units are out at the moment, or are otherwise engaged. Please leave a message with your country, name of organisation, the region, the specific crisis and a number at which we can call you. As soon as we have sorted out Kosovo, Bosnia, Macedonia, Serbia, Iraq, Northern Ireland, Sierra Leone, The Congo, marching up and down bits of tarmac in London and compulsory health and safety at work training, we will return your call.

Please speak after the tone or, if you require more options, listen to the following numbers: a. If your crisis is small and close to the sea, press 1 for the

Royal Marines. b. If your concern is distant, with a tropical climate, good hotels and can be solved by one or two low-risk bombing runs, please press 2 for the Royal Air Force. (Please note that this service is not available after 1630 or at weekends.) c. If your enquiry concerns a situation which can be resolved by a warship, some bunting, flags, a damn good cocktail party and a first class marching band, please write, well in advance, to the First Sea Lord, The Royal Navy, Whitehall, London SW1.

Thank you for calling and if you are interested in joining the Army (please, please, please, although retention is fine and we are right up to strength) and wish to be liberalised yet

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paradoxically AGAI'd, paid little, have premature Arthritis, put your wife and family (or gay lover) in a condemned hut miles from civilisation; and are prepared to work your balls off day and night whilst watching the Treasury eroding your origanal terms and conditions and promising a better pension , serving mainly in sandy climes, whilst picking up rubbish and putting out house fires all over the UK, while fireman and binmen have a little holiday; then please stay on the line. Your call will shortly be passed onto a bitter, passed-over Recruiting Sergeant in a horrendously fronted, yet grotty little office down by the railway station.

Have a nice day and thank you again for trying to contact The British Army.

I installed a new car stereo, Cardiff Zoo acquired a which is voice activated.

If I shout "country" it plays Dolly Parton.

If I shout "rock" and it plays Guns & Roses.

I was driving through town the other day & some little shits ran out in front of me.

I shouted "f**cking kids" and the radio played Gary Glitter!!

When I Die, I Want To Go Peacefully Like My Granddad In His Sleep.

Not Screaming Like The Passengers On His Bus...

While interviewing a Royal Marine sniper in Afghanistan, a Reuters News reporter asked the Marine what he felt when killing Al Qaeda with a sniper rifle. “Just the recoil sir” replied the Marine.

female of a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the zoo vet determined the problem - the gorilla was on heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas available. While reflecting on their problem, the zoo management noticed Gareth, a big Welsh lad from Swansea, responsible for maintenance round the zoo.

Gareth, like most Swansea boys, had little sense, but seemed to be possessed with ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species. So, the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Gareth was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to

53

have a shag with the gorilla for £500? Gareth showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Gareth announced that he would accept their offer, only under three conditions: First, he said, I don't want to have to kiss her.

Secondly, you must never tell anyone about this.

The zoo management quickly agreed to these conditions, and then they asked what his third condition was.

Well, said Gareth........could you give me another week to come up with the 500 quid?

An Irishman goes for a job Once in, she

told him to pick any of the girls he liked.

He asked, 'Do any of the girls have any diseases?'

Of course, the There was a 12 year old Madam said no, boy walking down the sidewalk but the boy dragging a flattened frog on a replied, 'I string behind him. heard all the He walked up to a house of ill men talking repute and knocked on the about having to door. When the Madam anget shots after swered it, she saw the little making it with boy and asked what he wanted. Amber. So THAT'S the girl I He said, 'I want to have sex want!' with on of the women inside. I Since the little boy was so adahave the money and I'm not mant and had the money to pay leaving until I do.' for it, the Madam told him to The Madam figured, why not, go to the first room on the so she told him to come in. right. He headed down the hall on a building site. The foreman says "Can you make tea paddy ? " "Yes sir I can make tea".

"Can you drive a forklift"?

"How big is this fucking teapot " says paddy.

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dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked, 'Why did you pick the

only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others? ' He said, 'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with my babysitter.

After they leave, my babysitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of young boys. She will get the disease that I just caught.

When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the babysitter home. On the way, he'll jump her bones, and he'll catch the disease.

Then when Dad gets home from the babysitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it.

In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease...and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!'

A man goes to see his mate during lunch, who works as head of a big fancy company.

Outside his office is a stunning woman who smiles and guides the man inside the office. Once inside, he greets his mate and says, 'Fuck me, that’s one fit bird out there.'

'She's a robot mate, the latest from Japan.'

'Fuck off!' the man exclaims.

'She is,' the man persisted, 'if you squeeze her left tit she dictates, if you squeeze the right one, she types. She even fucks!'

'Well, can I give her a test?' asked the man.

'Sure you can. Use my office.'

Well the man takes the robot cutie inside the office whilst the other bloke waits outside.

After about thirty seconds there's a scream from inside the

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room and the man thinks, 'SHIT! I forgot to tell him that her arse is a pencil sharpener!'

HOW do you know which is the Paddy on an offshore oil rig? - He's the one throwing bread to the helicopters.

A Paddy was talking to his father the day after his wedding.

So how did it go last night, son?'

Great, Dad! Hell, the way she was acting, I think I could have fucked her!'

Paddy bought a smoke alarm for his house. After fixing it to the ceiling, saw that the instructions said: 'Now test your alarm.' So he set fire to his sofa.

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An American, an Englishman and a Scotsman went on a hunting trip and were staying in a woodland cabin. They decided to go hunting one at a time while the other two stayed behind to guard the

cabin. The American went out first and came back with a fox.

He said, very happy: 1 see tracks, I follow tracks, I catch fox.' Then the Englishman went out and came back with a rabbit. He reported: I see tracks, I

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follow tracks, I catch rabbit.'

Then it was the Scotsman's turn. He went out but came back covered in cuts I bruises.

He said sorrowfully: 1 see tracks, I follow tracks, I get hit by bloody train.'

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Jack is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four hour, surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask.

"Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!" The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?

Government are worried about the latest club craze of filling a woman's vigina with vodka and drinking it as fast as you can.

Scientists have warned of the dangers of ‘minge drinking’.

What's the difference between a woman and a cooker ?

When you pull your meat out of the cooker it doesn't fart on you.

A black guy runs into see his doctor. As he is running on the spot he says, "Doc Doc I cant stop running. I run everywhere. Whenever I do stop, I run on the spot. Help me please."

Doc says, "Here take this powder. Come back and see me in a couple of days".

Black guy returns and is stood still. "Doc I don’t know what you gave me but it worked wonders.

I don’t run anywhere now. What was it?"

Doc says" I gave you Persil."

"Persil?" says the black guy. "Why Persil?" "cos it stops colours running"

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A young black kid is helping his mother with the baking in the kitchen. He gets some flour in his hands and rubs it all over his face. “Look Mum,” he says, “I’m a white person!”

His mother slaps him hard round the face and says, “Go and show your father!”

Off he goes to his father in the living room. “Look Dad,” he says, “I’m a white person!”

Once again, he gets a slap round the face for his trouble.

“Go and show your Gran,” his Dad tells him.

Up the stairs he goes and into his Gran’s room. “Look Gran,” he says, “I’m a white person!”

Once again, SLAP! He slowly walks back to his mother in the kitchen and she

asks him, “Well, what do you think about being a white person now?”

“Well I can understand why we hate all you black bastards,” he replies.

Way up in the Scottish highlands a woman walks into her bedroom and catches her husband with his cock in a Wellington boot. “Oh my God, Hamish,” she cries, “stop fucking aboot!”

Little Johnny was due to have his sex education class.

The teacher was dreading it but it had to be done. She walks into the class and puts a picture of a penis up on the

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black board. “Does anyone know what this is?”

Natrually, Little Johnny puts his hand up. The teacher tries to ignore him, but no one else has their hand up.

“Alright Little Johnny,” the teacher says, “What is it?”

“It’s a willy, miss,” he says, “and my Dad has two!” “Your Dad does not have two willies,” says the teacher.

“He does, miss,” replies Little Johnny, “a little one for peeing out of, and a big one for cleaning my mums teeth,”

Dave, you’re not the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of his patients, and you sure as hell won’t be the last,” But then another little voice would pipe up, “But Dave, you’re a vet!”

with one of his patients, and felt really guilty about it. No matter how hard he tried, he just couldn’t get over the feelings of professional misconduct. But every once in a while a reassuring voice in his head would say, “Don’t worry,

It comes with no shoes, no clothes, no makeup, no car, no food, no house, and no farm.

She’s called Zim Barbie.

There’s a new BarDr Dave had slept bie Doll on the market.

If Mothers have Mother’s Day, and Fathers have Father’s Day, and lovers have Valentine’s Day, do wankers have Palm Sunday?

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Eight Ways Vodka is Better Than a Man. 1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

A Vodka is always stiff.

A Vodka doesn’t look smaller when it’s cold.

A Vodka lasts as long as you want it to.

A Vodka doesn’t prod you in the back in the morning demanding attention.

You don’t care how far down your throat a Vodka goes.

You can have as many Vodkas as you want without looking like a slut.

You can enjoy a Vodka in front of your mother.

A Vodka is always a pleasure to swallow.

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Distribution Agents for The Smuggler Magazine Hamiltons of London, Gandia., Hamiltons of London, Moraira.

The Lemon Tree, Moraira. Henry’s Fish ‘n’ Chips, Calpe.

Tiffany’s Bar, European Centre, nr. Moraira.The Internet Bar, Calpe.

New Chesters Bar, Calpe. Bar Fustera, Moraira-Calpe Coast Rd. Bomber’s Pub, Javea Port. Inspirations, Javea Port.

Bar Bilbo’s, Javea Arenal. Quo Vadis, Javea Arenal.

Euro Bazar, Javea Park. Digby’s Bar, Javea Park.

Utopia Bar, Las Marinas, Denia. Dreams Bar, Las Marinas 12.5km.

Arthur’s Bar, Els Poblets. Sertel scp, Local 4, Javea.

Colby’s Bar, Moraira Coast Rd. Coastal Bar, Javea Arenal.

Tich’s Bar, Moraira Coast Rd. Bar La Llacuna, Villalonga.

Monte Corona Rte, Ador. Amazones Pet Store, Gandia.

QuickSave Oliva. Magnum’s Bar, Oliva.

Cornish Pride, Oliva. La Brasa, Oliva, Café Ole, Oliva.

Do you want to sell The Smuggler? Become part of the success story by contacting Paul on 690 345 135 or John 646472039. Office no. 962 855 878.

The Smuggler Office BBQ only one drink per person……

Paul bought the cups he is now looking for work.

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