April09 by John Scullion

€1.00

Well folk’s what can I say apart from, a big thank you for the great response to the ‘Spot The Car’ competition. Choosing the winner was a difficult task but we settled for Vanessa from Pego, who reported that she received the full set of thirty six insulting hand gestures and to clinch the comp sent in a sketch of each one with time, location and date. I didn’t realise that Paul spent so much time on that section of the N332. Perhaps he may receive a demonstration of a few more hand gestures when he presents her with the twenty five euro. Maggie from La Nucia came a very close second with her entry along with her phone number scratched on an old copy of ‘Sex in the City’ and stuck under the windscreen wiper. The competition for the month of April is to look inside the Smuggler car, where there will be an empty packet of cigarettes lying on the dash board. All you have to do is identify the brand, then send the name into editor@thesmuggler.es. The first sender of the correct email picked will receive a signed copy of Paul’s photo, the long haired version and that all important 25 euros. Please take note you Oliva readers the fag packet is empty! The Ragged Clown has finally been institutionalised and will no longer be writing his monthly piece for The Smuggler. In its place we have dedicated a page to his memory, ‘who was he again’ I hear you saying. The page will be called ‘A Ragged Look At The World’ and will cover current world news from a crackerjacks pen. No not the “Its Friday Its Crackerjack” pen.

Letters to the Editor. Dear Editor A recent report from the BMA states that failing to take regular exercise for 20 minutes a day can knock 1.4 years off my life. But, by my reckoning, in a 75-year lifespan it would take over a year to take the exercise. If you want to take into account the extra highstress work needed to pay for gym fees it doesn't seem worth rising from my armchair. Jon Ritman I spent 24 years getting and staying fit. Am I due any time added, cause I feel like shite some fifteen years later Jon….. Ed Dear Editor What kind of hypocrite does Ms Dynamite think she is? Singing anti-war songs to gain popular sympathy while promoting high explosives through her silly stage name is nothing more than cynical double dealing.

The Smuggler takes no responsibility whatsoever on behalf of advertisers with regard to any claims made by, or information given in, advertisements contained within this publication. Under no circumstances can any part of this publication including text, illustrations, photographs or complete advertisements, be reproduced in any form without the express permission in writing of The Smuggler editor.

She should change her name or shut up. Edna Semtex I wouldn’t mind a bang…… Ed Dear Editor I've read every issue of your magazine cover-to-cover. Nothing in between. Just the covers. J. Cloth Yeh J it’s just a big cover up….. Ed Dear Editor What you publish is cheap, miserable trash. Fortunately, I am cheap miserable trash myself! P. Nile Dear Editor Every time I sent you an email you didn't print them. So this time I just won't send you an email! Alan Tucker, Altea

really think I could make up this crap . Ed Dear Editor I have been reading The Smuggler for many months now. Mainly, the first issue I ever bought. I just couldn't see myself wasting a euro on another. Name withheld. Eur obviously one of the starving ex public ‘pensioned’ servants. Send in your address and I’ll get the boy’s to drop a copy off…… Ed

Didn’t get that one either Alan. Ed

Dear Editor I am looking for someone to go back in time with me. THIS IS Dear Editor NOT A JOKE. You will be Why don't you guys admit that paid when we return. You you make all your letters up? must bring your own weapYou even made this one up, ons. I have only done this once didn't you? before so I cannot guarantee Jean Armstrong, El your safety. Contact via email Campello on rogervinculos@hotmail.com Roger, via email. ‘Lett ers’ be honest Jean do you

Deadline for adverts for the month of May is 25th April 09 D.L. V-464-2008 CIF. E98018625 3

A MAN'S POEM:

ment centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast Before I got into comedy I turns to the other and says: nymphomaniac with big tits was a plumber for 150 years ? 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and who owns a bar on a golf course, and loves to send me although that's just an estimate. I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. fishing and drinking. This doesn't rhyme and I don't I've always been very pessi- How do you feel?' Slim says, 'I feel just like a newgive a shit. mistic. I'm like a German vege- born baby.' 'Really!? Like a tarian. I fear the wurst. newborn baby!?' 'Yep. No hair, Ann Widdecombe says she's a virgin for religious I had a great business plan: I no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.' reasons. was going to build a bungalow The reason being that God for some dwarves. Arenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t blow up sex dolls made her incredibly ugly. There was only one tiny flaw. great. I mean, where else

Know who I blame for the rise of drugs in schools? The supply teachers.

How many Tunisians does it take to change a light bulb? Twenty, no 18, for you sir 16, OK 15 - is good light bulb.

I hired an odd-job man. He was useless. Gave him a list of 8 things to do and he only did numbers 1, 3, 5 and 7.

I've been doing DIY for this woman in return for sexual favours. The other day she gave me a handjob because I fixed her skirting board. Today I put up some shelves so she gave me a blowjob. Tomorrow I'm going to do her back door.

Bono can't count - on Vertigo he sings, "Uno, dos, tres, catorce", which in Spanish is 1, 2, 3, 14. So maybe there isn't a problem in Africa -

Bono just miscounted.

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.' The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?' The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns.' 'Do you mean a rose?' 'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?' Two elderly gentlemen from a retire4

would you find a woman that always looks shocked at the size of your cock?

Last night my husband and I were sitting in the living room and I said to him, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on a machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.' He got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine. He's such an ass. . .

I Am Not A Hick, I Am A Free Man!

a brief introduction to the joys and merriment of living far from the madding crowd: Right, listen. For the last time, When you walk a mile from your front door, you will be in a I live in the country. Not the different neighbourhood (and sticks. Not the back of bemost likely, lost). At the same yond. And certainly not the distance, we’ll just be aparse end of nowhere. I am relaxed. Not a hick. Not proaching our neighbour’s fence. If you were to take the a redneck. Not a ‘campo dweller’ (whatever the hell one same walk at night, you’d be wise to stay in the range of of them is?). streetlights. We don’t need I live in the country through streetlights – we have the stars. choice. I enjoy it; my family (What do you mean, ‘what are enjoys it. Our dog enjoys it. stars?’). You see, in the towns Ever since we moved to the you have gangs, and every now country I get the feeling that and again someone loses an certain city folk are jealous. ear, a few fingers, or a loved Why else would I be on the one. Ha. In the country our receiving end of so many gangs eat the field mice. Bet ‘campo dweller’ jokes? The your gangs wouldn’t do that for last one, the one that broke you. OK, sometimes their the donkey’s back so to say, howling can be a bit annoying came whilst I was enjoying a drink and some live music at a when you’re trying to sleep, well-known ‘town bar’. A cer- but you get use to it. Relations with neighbours are tain individual, who lives in an apartment block in Javea (need easier in the country, too. We know ours plays head-banging I say more?) took the trouble heavy metal music for most of to point out to me that the the evening, yet we rarely hear evening was more fun than it - the birds and the grasshop“stomping baby chicks with pers drown out almost the your bare feet!” I think the allusion was that ‘chick stomp- entire racket. We have another neighbour, whose house ing’ is a regular country pastime (it isn’t. Haven’t been to is visible from the main (?) road, who has an illuminated a chick stomp for months. sign declaring him to be a FonMind you, now the warmer tanero. Well, he’s not done any weather’s coming…) plumbing for many a year, but So, I have decided to give our ignorant ‘town dwelling’ friends then he doesn’t do sign re6

moval either, see? No one minds. We all just get on with each other. Mind you, I did get a bit of hassle from a local after I tore down ‘that thing’ at the end of our lane. ‘That thing’ was a wooden ‘structure’ (in the loosest sense of the word) that protected people from the sun or the rain (whichever happened to be beating down on them at the time) while they were waiting for a bus. As buses have not been seen down our way since the days of Franco, and as ‘that thing’ was well past its prime (when it was actually taller than the weeds), down it came. I was in a bar in the village when a local accosted me and belligerently pointed out that it had been there since Roman times. He paused in his condemnation of me while he ordered another drink, whereupon he was brusquely informed that before he would be served he would have to pay for his previous six. After a brief foul-mouthed exchange, it became apparent that he was disinclined to pay, so he left, mid-way through our discussion of the architecture of Roman bus shelters. We discovered another disadvantage of not having ‘that thing’ at the end of our drive a few days later. We had become used to giving people

directions to our house using the following terms: “Carry on past the village, keep going until the tarmac road finishes, and it get a bit bumpy. Keep on going past the abandoned factory, and our lane is the one with the first eyesore on the right. You can’t miss it.” Anyway, I digress. Back to the subject matter. We’re closer to nature in the country. For example, in a month or two I’ll have to get round to mowing the lawn (ah, the smell of fresh cut weeds!). We’ll walk on the lawn, but until then we can walk in the lawn. And in the

country we have mice. You have rats. Mice are cuter. Just a pity they don’t eat mosquitoes. We get more exercise in the country. Every Monday morning I go for a hike. I tie up my laces. I put on my cap. And I grab hold of two heavy bags. Then I walk. And walk. And walk. And just when I feel that I can carry the bags no further, I reach the rubbish skip. We don’t worry about breathing in pollution, either. Not much of that in the country, even with the fourteen diesel generators running. We do have to keep our mouths closed when the mosqui-

toes are swarming, however. Food in the country is healthier, too. If we want fruit, we pick it off our neighbour’s trees (when they’re out of course). We are in the ‘process’ of growing our own crop, and may even have some fruit next year. We’ll take them a carrier bag of oranges in way of recompense. If we’re in the mood for chicken, we just silently sit by our neighbour’s fence, and wait for a stray bird to accidentally wander through the hole that mysteriously appeared in it. Of course we do occasionally have to go to the supermarket, and it is seven miles away – but it only takes me seven minutes to get there! It use to take me that long to get out of the car park when we lived in an apartment block. Don’t get me wrong, towns and cities have their uses. They are great places for fine restaurants, fun bars and shopping. It’s just that there are so few depictions of paradise with apartment blocks, traffic lights and burger bars. Come pay us a visit and you can enjoy this paradise – just as long as you don’t mind sharing it with heavy metal playing headbangers, fume spewing generators, hungry mosquitoes, howling wild dogs, dilapidated buildings, swarming mice and the odd nutter. Excuse me now; I have mousetraps to empty.

d Cy

One day there was this

"What do you say to get all of blonde that pulled up to a pet- these beautiful woman to go to your room with you, and what rol station. She filled her car do you say when they are ofwith petrol then went to pay fended so they don't slap you?" the cashier. Then she asked The ladies man said, "Simple, him for a hanger. The cashier asked her why and she replied when a beautiful woman walks by you say 'tickle your ass with that she'd locked her keys in the car. So the cashier gave the a feather?' if she understands you and likes the idea, she will blonde the hanger. Thirty minutes later the cashier go to your room. If she turns in sees the same blonde outside, disgust, you simply say 'typical Nebraska weather', then she fiddling with the coat hanger. would assume she just misSo he decides to go out and heard you and keep walking." ask if she needs any help. The blonde says, “No thanks.” This was a great idea, so he walked back across the street All of a sudden there was another blonde in the car saying, and sat back down on the bench from which he came. “A little bit to the left.” He saw a woman coming down the street, big boobs, nice legs, A man was sitting on a blonde hair, gorgeous. He all of bench waiting for the bus and a sudden got very, very nervnoticed another man across ous. the street, sitting in a deck As she walked by him he stutchair in his front garden. He saw a beautiful woman walk tered "Ummm.... stick a feather up your ass?" by the man in the deck chair, the man said something to this "What did you say to me??" woman and she looked at him "Uhh...LOOK AT THAT FUCKING CLOUD!” and they both went into the man's apartment. The next day this man noticed the same thing happen, but the day after he noticed the woman look back at the man in disgust and he said something else and she would continue walking. Curious, the first man walked across the street to this ladies man. He asked, 8

A recent survey

overnight ' signs on me run about yestershows that 20% of woman have admitted day. This morning to being the victim of some cunt had broken in and left a note saydomestic abuse. ing 'Just checking' The other 80% of woman wouldn't dare Did You Know? open their mouths.

1. A king size waterbed holds enough wadown the street today ter to fill a 200 m2 and I found a wallet, house to a depth of 10 and I was gonna keep cm. it, rather than return 2. If you spray hair it, but I thought: Well, spray on dust balls & if I lost a hundred and run over them with fifty euros, how would roller blades, they can I feel? And I realized I ignite. would want to be 3. A 3-year old Boy's taught a lesson." voice is louder than 200 adults in a I put one of those crowded restaurant. 'No tools left in van

I was walking

4. If you hook a ceiling fan, the strong enough rotate a 20 Kg boy wearing Batman underwear and a Su-

dog leash over a though TV commercials show they do. motor is not 18. Bin bags do not make good parachutes. to 19. Marbles in petrol tanks make lots of noise when driving. 20. You probably DO NOT want to know what that smell is. 21. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens. 22. The fire brigade in La Nucia has a 5-minute response time. 23. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. 24. It will, however, make cats dizzy. 25. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

perman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 6m x 6m room. 5. You should not throw cricket balls up when the ceiling fan is on. 6. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. 7. A ceiling fan can hit a cricket ball a long way. 8. The glass in windows (even double-glazed) doesn't stop a cricket ball hit by a ceiling fan. 9. When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'uh oh', it's already too late. 10. Brake fluid mixed with bleach makes smoke, and lots of it. 11. A 6 year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies. 12. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4- year old Boy. 13. Play dough & microwave should not be used in the same sentence. 14. Super glue is forever. 15. No matter how many jelly crystals you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water. 16. Pool filters do not like jelly crystals. 17. VCR's do not eject 'BL&T' sandwiches even

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, he didn't buy her a gift. When his wife asked him why, he replied, "Well, she still hasn't used the gift I bought her last year!"

Three women were in the waiting room of a gynaecologist, and each of them was knitting a sweater for their baby-to-be. The first one stopped and took a pill. "What was that?" The others asked her. "Oh, it was Vitamin C - I want my baby to be healthy." A few minutes later, another woman took a pill. "What was that?" the others asked. "Oh, it was iron - I want my baby to be big and strong." They continued knitting. Finally the third woman took a pill. "What was that?" the others asked her. "It was Thalidomide," she said, "I just can't get the arms right on this fucking sweater!"

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.

He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.. The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing. Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, 'That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?' The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers, he'd better be our son-in-law.'

The local news station was interviewing I had sex with this girl I met last night at our

local bar. It was inevitable it was going to hapan 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten pen, you could tell, just by the chemistry. Romarried -- for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it hypnol and chloroform. felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. 'He's a funeral director,' she answered. 'Interesting,' the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director. The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers. She smiled and explained, 'I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.' 11

A beautiful fairy appeared

bolder 'I need a big house with a three car garage in Oxford one day to a destitute refugee claimant out- with eight bedrooms for my side the Heathrow immigration family and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in my offices. country. I want to bring them 'My good man,' the fairy said, all over here. 'I've been told to grant you PING! - In the distance there three wishes, since you just could be seen a beautiful manarrived in England with your sion with a three car garage, a wife and three children.' long driveway, a walkout patio The man told the fairy: 'Well, with a BBQ, overlooking the where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new river. 'One more wish,' said the fairy, teeth, maybe a lot of gold in waving her wand. them.' 'Yes, one more wish. I want to The fairy looked at the man's be like the British with British almost toothless grin and -PING ! -- He had a brand new clothes instead of manjams, and shining set of gold teeth in his a baseball cap instead of this turban. mouth! And I want to have white skin 'What else?' asked the fairy, like the British..' 'two more to go' The refugee claimant now got PING! - The man was trans-

formed, wearing worn out jeans, an Eagles T-shirt and a Billabong baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.. 'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed. 'Where is my new house?' The fairy said 'Tough luck. Now that you are English, you're entitled to fuck all!.' And she disappeared!

Q: What is the difference between Michael Phelps and Hitler? A: At least Phelps could finish a race.

Q: Why can't Michael J Fox kill himself?

A: He canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t hold the gun straight.

Q: How do you kill a retard? A: Give him a knife and say "Who's special?"

Q. Why is the Afghan air force so easy to train? A. You only have to teach them how to take off. Q: What do you call a black guy who goes to college? A: A Basketball player. Q: How do you break up the "Million Man March"? A: Fly overhead with helicopters and drop job applications.

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife, 'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict.. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how

ration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Colleen until they both collapse in ecstasy. About a week later, Colleen notices that the marks left by the whipping are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having sex?" Colleen, a little embarrassed that she has slept Paddy and Colleen were with Paddy [let alone that she making passionate love in allowed the kinky boy to whip Paddy's mini-van when sudher] eventually admits that, yes, denly Colleen, being a bit on she did. Nodding his head the kinky side, yells out "Oh big knowingly, the doctor exclaims, boy, whip me, whip me!" "I thought so, because in all my Paddy, not wanting to pass up years as a doctor you've got this unique opportunity, obvi- the worst case of van aerial ously did not have any whips disease that I've ever seen"... on hand, but in a flash of inspi-

much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!' His wife responds, 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong. I love you, too.'

The 'Middle Wife' by an Anonymous 2nd year teacher I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back. When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame.. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.. Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.' 'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.' She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement. 'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans.. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.) 'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.) 'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like

psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!) 'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside there.' Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's showand-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.

Judy got married and had 13 children. Her first husband, Ted, died of cancer. She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children. Bob was killed in a car accident. 12 years later Judy again, remarried,.... and this time, she & John had 5 more children. Judy finally died, after having produced 25 children. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they are finally together." Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret: "Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?" Margaret replied:...."I think he means her legs, Ethel..." 18

A farmer went to the local "Just gave him bank to borrow money for a new bull. The loan was made and Banker Bill, who lent the money, came by a week later to see how the bull was doing. The farmer complained that the bull just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. Banker Bill suggested that he have a veterinarian take a look at the bull. Next week, Banker Bill returned to see if the vet had helped. The farmer looked very pleased. "The bull has serviced all of my cows! He broke through the fence, and bred all my neighbourâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s cows! He's been breeding just about everything in sight. He's like a machine!" "Wow," said Banker Bill, "what did the vet do to that bull?"

some pills," replied the farmer. "What kind of pills?" asked Banker Bill. "I don't know, but they kind of taste like peppermint."

Larry la Prise who wrote the hokey cokey has died aged 93. The worst part was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in, then the trouble started.

slowly undid her suspender

Paul McCartney poem: belt and her leg fell in the river. We lay upon the grassy bank, my hands were all a quiver, I

My wife and I have retired

to eat your dinner off a toilet seat, no matter how clean it to a little village about 20 looks. AND you should always minutes inland from the wash your hands before eating coast. We are very happy here, we love the people, the food anyway. Sounds like you climate and the lifestyle but have got some kind of verruca one thing is really bothering related pox. Go and see your us. The shopkeepers and bar GP immediately. I have incinerated your letter incase it is staff of the local bars don’t highly contagious. Can you speak English! We do try please not write to me again and talk loudly and clearly until it has cleared up? but they just don’t seem to want to try and learn. What can we do? (Bert, Benimeli) I have been in a happy relationship for many years. ReAuntie says: I suggest you cently I was watching some move out of the village before late night porn on Marina you really upset the locals. Alta TV, and was surprised Eventually you are going to get to see an ex-girlfriend of your lights punched out if you mine performing on one of carry on like that. I think you the clips. This brought back should move to Fuengirola. some interesting memories There you will have the climate of times spent with her. For of Spain but they speak (mostly) many years now, she has English. I think you will fit in a tried to keep in touch with treat. me via e-mail, but I have ignored her. Now I feel a I have heard there are a lot certain urge to reply to her of computer viruses about at and make arrangements to see her on my next visit to the moment and I am worried because I seem to have England; and maybe remideveloped weepy warty fin- nisce about old times. What gers recently. Do you think I do you think I should do? (F. Buddy, Denia.) have caught one of the vi-

that she wants to rekindle the fire that once smouldered between you? Or is it more likely that you made her pregnant and she is after child maintenance and you have so far neglected to pay a penny and now she is forced to earn money to support your child by resorting to porn? Think very carefully before you get in touch with her!

I just wanted to (F**CKIN P**S FLAPS!) use your page to (ARSE WIPE!) let people know that (SHIT UP A STICK!) an informal group meets (FANNY BATTER TWAT W*NK!) at my house every (BUM GRAVY!) Tuesdays at (TURD BUCKETS WITH BELLS ON!) 19.00. Ask anyone in the village (TOSSTOSSTOSS!) where I live (BUGGERING BASTARD BUNS!). They all know me (NIPPLE BURruses? I heard that it is Auntie says: Why do you think GERS!). Terry(C**TSHITE!), more hygienic to eat your president of the Tourettes in dinner off the toilet seat than she has been trying to get in touch with you all these years? Teulada Society – also it is to eat without washing Do you believe it is because she known as TITS…… your hands after using a misses your enormous Beefy TITS…….TITS……TITS ..… computer. (Kathryn, Polop) McManstick and the 20 hours TITS….. Auntie says: Firstly, can I just sex sessions you both used to Auntie says: Consider it done. point out it is NEVER advisable indulge in, without tiring and 20

sher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?'' Or, if I asked you for a taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican? ! Would Ya? Would Ya? The assistant said: 'Well, no. ' Suitably encouraged by the success of his logic, the Irishman steps it up a gear. 'And if I asked you for frogs legs, would you ask me if I was French?' 'What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish? ''Well no, I probably wouldn't' conceded the assistant. So, now bursting with righteous indignation, the Irishman says: 'Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because I asked for Irish sausages? The assistant replies: 'Because you're in B&Q '

Can I have some Irish Sausages, please?' asked the Irishman, walking up to the counter. The assistant looked at him and asked: 'Are you Irish? ''If I had asked you for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?' demanded the Irishman indignantly. 'Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?' Then, warming to his theme, he went on: 'Or if I asked you for a Ko22

How is a woman like a condom? Both spend more time in your wallet than on your pecker. Don't piss me off- I am running out of places to hide the bodies. If you see a talking doll, check it's back for a small plastic ring. If there is no small plastic ring... RUN! If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life. What does a Blonde say after a multiple orgasm? Way to go team!

The World's most ugliest man has been

tal. "We tried to tell him" said one wiser man "but he wouldn't listen" shot dead by police in China after The Pope who has rejected condoms as a neighbours in his village claimed he was way of fighting AIDS is said to be 'pretty 'scaring' their children. Xi Zang Pho Phi, 26, pissed off'. And so he should be. suffered from a rare illness which made him repulsive to look at however he had Millions of workers across France were on managed to overcome his disease and indeed had married and had children of his strike again today, to protest against what own. The trouble started however when Phi one union leader called 'the government moved Villages looking for work, his new taking professional economic advice, and neighbours, totally unaware that Phi was a using tried and tested methods to deal with decent, hardworking individual with the current situation in France. This must children, complained to authorities that Phi not be allowed. A few fishermen and my was "making their kids shit themselves". aunt Claudette's Police arrived and shot Phi as he slept, uncat know more armed, in full view about economics of his family. than the govern"This is just tragic" ment, by great said one man, who Anatole!' The would only be idenstrike is expected tified as Xam Pam to cause wideLam Kam Ham Po. spread long Now Phi is dead, lunches over BBC Radio host wine, and much Chris Moyles, alwaving of arms in the air and shrugging of ready the World's fattest man, has been de- shoulders, with possible missiles being clared the World's Ugliest Man too. pointlessly thrown at the CRS later in the evening, the CRS being the Compagnie de Skineads de la Republic, the counPope Benedict XVI has contracted AIDS Raciste try's riot police. during his tour of Africa, according to re'It is our duty as French men and women to ports coming from the Vatican. strike', said tobacconist and part-time phiThe Pope, it is said, accidentally caught the losopher Monsieur Napoleon Roquefort, in disease after shaking hands with Angolan Toulouse, 'and it is the duty of the French President Jose Eduardo dos Santos was he government to pay no attention to any nawelcomed him at the tional strikes at all. C'est la vie ... '. airport as crowds of And his wife Mrs Edith Piaf Roquefort singing and dancing wailed: 'Non, nous ne regrettons rien! C'est spectators waited to fou le strike! C'est comme les Anglais, tout le cheer the pontiff's mo- temps striking et drinking le the avec le lait, torcade. et mangent le sandwiches avec le Marmite. The Pope was immedi- C'est encroyable!' ately rushed to hospiPresident Nicolas Sargozy had this to say 24

about the nationwide strike. 'Strike? So? What's for dinner?', and Prime Minister Erique Cantona added: 'Myself, all this protesting is making me, how you say, 'ungry. I am off to Maxim's for a nice plate of roast seagull with garlic potatoes, and a salad of crispy nettles garnished with a few octopus eyes. Au revoir.' The strike is expected to achieve nothing at all, except to give the English-speaking world a good opportunity to poke fun at all the usual French stereotypes. Asterix the Gaul is 2,000 this Mercredi.

The convicted Dungeon Master, Josef Fritzl,

was sentenced today and will serve a life sentence with no chance of parole. Judge Vladimir Worchofski gave the ailing 74 year old Fritzl the mandatory sentence for imprisoning another person in a 'homemade or self-fabricated dungeon.' It is the first time the mandatory Dungeon Law has been used since 1576. Judge Worchofski will allow another convict to serve time with Fritzl and has taken up the British court's request to allow Culture Club rocker Boy George to serve the remainder of his sentence in Vienna where he reportedly once participated in an 'after hours Vienna sausage event.' Boy George spoke to reporters and revealed how elated he was with the British court's decision to allow him time away from his confining cell. He also expressed hopes to have access to Fritzl's handcuff collection. George promised to bring popcorn and his CD.... Do You Really Want To Hurt Me!

Scientists have discovered the reasons You may only be one person to the world, but you may also be the world to one person. for mans attraction to females wearing leather The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.

Who says nothing is impossible? I've been doing nothing for years. The difference between reality and fiction? Fiction has to make sense.

We should be grateful for subways. At least they've taken crime off the street. There is no distance on this earth as far away as yesterday. A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's. She changes it more often.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.

If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that's another weakness.

They smell like new golf bags Be careful of your thoughts, they may be-

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have

come words at any moment.

you done?

A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's

Always proof-read carefully to see if you

written on.

any words out.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

The Smuggler. On Line @ www.thesmuggler.es

If money could talk, it would say goodbye. I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met. 26

Elaineâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Vodka Remedies! 1. Add a jigger of vodka to a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo. The alcohol cleanses the scalp, removes toxins from hair, and stimulates the growth of healthy hair. 2. Fill a sixteen-ounce trigger-spray bottle with vodka And spray bees or wasps to kill them. 3. Pour one-half cup vodka And one-half cup water into a Ziploc freezer bag And freeze for a slushy, refreshing ice pack for aches, Pain or black eyes. 4. Fill a clean, used mayonnaise jar with freshly packed lavender flowers, Fill the jar with vodka, seal the lid tightly and set in the sun for three days. Strain liquid through a coffee filter, then apply the tincture to aches and pains. 5. To relieve a fever, use a wash cloth to rub vodka on your chest and back as a liniment. 6. To cure foot odour, Wash your feet with vodka. 7. Vodka will disinfect And alleviate a jellyfish sting. 8. Pour vodka over an area affected with poison ivy To remove the urushiol oil from your skin.

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the butcher follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and pummeling the dog. The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!" The owner responds, "Genius, my ass. It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"

A husband and wife came for counselling after 20 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went

into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage. Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?" The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I go fishing."

Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife is lying in bed reading. Man says: "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache. "Wife replies: "I think you'll find, that is a sheep." Man replies: "I think

WIN! WIN! WIN! JACKO TICKETS UP FOR GRABS! Royturds News Agency is chuffed to announce that we could have a pair tickets available for two lucky people to see the long awaited return of the `king of pop´… Michael Jackson. Despite rumours that the music legend was broke or going to jail, organisers at the London based O2, for merly known as the failed Millennium Dome, proudly announced that `Wacko Jacko´ (left, in a former life) would be performing an astonishing 50 concerts, in yet another pathetic attempt of a bankrupt has-been celebrity trying to grab-the-money-and-run. Now you, too, can be there to witness what could be a farewell performance, in a glittering career that has spanned nearly four decades, give or take several years, in our easy-to-enter quiz. Just simply answer the question below correctly, and you could be one of only a Million lucky people to see `The Mincing Maestro´ in the flesh. QUESTION: What is music legend Michael Jackson most famous for? a. b. c. d.

Singing in a high voice, grabbing at his crotch, and moon-walking, simultaneously. Gradually changing from an African-American to a Caucasian-American without anyone noticing. Dangling a young child precariously over the balcony of a hotel in a vain attempt to prove, to his adoring public, that he could father a child. Spending an inordinate amount of time being friendly with people very much younger than himself.

Just jot your answer onto a postcard, send to the address below, and you may well find yourself dancing to one of Jacko´s too-many-to-mention, blockbusting, chart-topping, wonder hits. Songs like…Thriller…Billy-Jean…Beat-it… and many, many more. So what are you waiting for? Get those entries in the post…and keep your fingers crossed. Address all entries to: Over-rated ex-pop star, Neverland, Freaksville, California, U.S.A. Zip code 911 Royturds News Agency; April 2009. 30

Hot Off The Press! It was announced this morning that US President, Barack Obama, is to release a Hip Hop version of "Love Will Build A Bridge" with over 50 of the World's pop legends, in the hope of "building some bridges with love" in Iran. In a press conference at the White House he explained that music was a universal language, the food of love and can sooth the savage beast, but lately it had been "tearing us apart" He told reporters that he was "hopeful" that the song could "build some bridges." The single, which was the brain child of highwaisted grump, Simon Cowell, will feature some of the world's greatest singing stars, including U2, Mariah Carey, Madonna, Justin Timberlake and Kelly Osborne. Cowell declared that it will be produced on a completely non-profit basis, apart from the 40% of worldwide sales which would go towards his "expenses". Obama was joined at the photo call by skeletal veteran popster Michael Jackson, who had a towel over his head, appeared to have gained weight and be about a foot shorter than usual. The spooky megastar reportedly couldn't speak because he was saving his voice for his sellout 50 date UK comeback tour, but Obama explained "Michael is very excited about healing the world and making it a better place for you and for me and the entire human race." Obama would not comment on the possibility that the single might fail to reconcile the East and West, but an unidentified White House source confirmed that he had been in negotiation with Oprah Winfrey for a "couples counselling" show, just in case the song "fell on deaf ears." "It is going to be a truly great milestone on the road to world peace" Obama declared. For too long the US and Iran have been disrespecting and hurting each other. It is a well established fact that love can build a bridge to your heart and mine. Don't you think its time? Don't you think it's time?"

extremely funny only to it's intended target, the joke toppled the Iranian president and his cabinet within minutes of being viewed. Guards rushing to the aid of the fallen officials also succumbed. It wasn't until the power was cut and the video retrieved that the damage was known. By then it was too late. It had already been aired by Iranian television and casualties started pouring in to hospitals. Some dead, other's dying of laughter. The survivors quickly realized that they had no choice but to surrender. In the video President Obama laughs about the Iranian hostage crisis, praises religious fanaticism and sings the ironic "Why Can't We be friends", by the sixties rock group, War. It seems the only ones unaffected by the joke were those oppressed by the government itself. "They could not help but laugh, They died laughing. They held his people hostage, They were among the most oppressive people on earth, they sponsored terrorism around the globe and the president of the United States breaks out with this song? I mean, come on! FUUUNNNNNY!" said Mohammad Hussein, a former dissident interviewed for this story.

Theran-Iran Taking a cue from an old comedy skit, the United States successfully unleashed the world's deadliest joke on the Iranian government. Carefully crafted so as to be 32

Oh! Monica your back.

get you a priest?” To which the boy replies: “Thanks very much but sex is the last thing on my mind at the moment….”

My uncle just got struck off the medical register for having sex with his patients, it's a real shame cause he's a really good vet. Woman walks past a pet shop with a sign reading 'For sale clitoris licking frog'. She goes in and the shopkeeper say's 'Bonjour madame'.

Yesterday I read an article about the dangers of drinking too much, it scared the shit out of me. So today I decided I'm never reading again.

A man is shagging his cold fish wife and says "It might help create a bit of an atmosphere if you were to moan a bit!" "Ok, she says, when are you going to paint that fucking ceiling?"

asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming too I want to see how you live on €800 a year".

We at the Smuggler have come up with an idea to lower teenage pregnancy rates in the UK. Replace the current sex educaA man walks into his bedtion in our schools with porn. room and sees his wife packing It would mean the girls would a suitcase. He asks, "What are accept anal as the norm and you doing?" the boys would know to pull She answers, "I'm moving to out and cum on the girls tits. Sydney. I heard prostitutes there get paid €400 for doing what I do for you for free." A boy walks by a church and Later that night, on her way gets run over by a car. A passout, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband ing old lady rushes to him and packing his suitcase. When she asks: “Are you OK son? Shall I 34

Little girl gets lost in Tesco's, security guard asks her 'What's your mum like?' Little girl replies 'Big cocks and vodka'. A couple in a cafe in Llangollen asks 'Can you settle an argument for us and pronounce where we are, VERY slowly?' The waitress leaned over and said ........ 'Burrr gurrr king'.

Boss has to lay off Ann or Jack. Ann walks into the office, boss say's 'I have a problem, I have to lay you or Jack off.....'You better jack off, I've got a headache'.

I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called "brightness", but it doesn't work.

look like they're gonna start something!"

A Scotsman, an Essex girl

and an alien walk in to a bar. The landlord looks up and says, Sorry I haven't been in touch, "What the hell is this? a friend was rushed to hospital Some kind of a joke?!" to have a dangerous black mole removed from his penis...... he Why did the escaped conwon't be shagging one of those vict saw the legs off his bed? again! He wanted to lie low for a while. Two cows were standing in a field. One says, ’Moooo,’ and Why did the Mexican shoot the other says, ’I was just going his wife?..... Tequila!! to say that!’

Tampax have replaced the string on their tampons with a piece of tinsel.... They say it's only for the Christmas period.

A woman goes to her doc-

Great news, Gazza is back on solids.....well if ice cubes count as solids… What is the Afghan national bird? Duck!

tor with a bit of lettuce hanging Did you know sharks only attack you if you’re wet? out of her pussy. Doc say's 'That looks nasty'. She say's 'Nasty?, it's just the tip of the Anal intercourse is for assiceberg! holes.

Two newly weds turn up at As Benny

Hill once said: "Did you ever notice that everyone in favour of birth control has already been A man goes to the zoo. When he gets there, there was born?" only a dog. It was a shitzu.

a hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite, the receptionist asks 'Do you have reservations?' The bride answers 'Yes, I won't take it up the arse'!

I tried

phone sex leads walk into a bar. The brain once, but the orders 3 pints, but the barman holes were too small. refuses to serve him. "Why?" asks the brain..."well you're out Programof your Skull and your mates

A brain and a set of jump

ming is like sex; one mistake and you have to support for a lifetime. Found written on a toilet wall once: Life sucks, but then again so does your girlfriend!

Sex is a misdemeanour; the more I miss, the meaner I get! I'm such a lousy lover... One day, I caught a peeping tom booing me!

If you think sex is a pain in the ass, you're doing it wrong.

Ya know...I always look for inner beauty in a woman. Once inner...beauty! When you're feeling so low that you have to reach up to touch bottom, whose bottom you touch can make a big difference.

After years of genetic experimentation, and dabbling with DNA code, they finally got it right.

The Prime Minister is talking to 3 armed forces personnel; 1 from each of his fighting forces. He asks each one what they would do if they woke up and found a camel spider in their tent on deployment? The Army Sergeant says, "I'd reach over, grab my bayonet and stab It to death!" The Marine Colour-Sgt says, "I'd reach over, grab my boot and Batter it to death !" The RAF Sergeant says, "I'd reach over, pick up my phone, call reception and ask who the f*** has put a tent up in my hotel room?"

Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them. Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Gary. Poor Gary. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage.. Embarrassed, Gary quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest.. He bent over to pick it up... and all the other bells started to ring!

Two brooms were hanging in the

closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married. One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom. The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely. After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, 'I think I am going to have a little broom!' 'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom broom. 'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT

What’s the worst thing you can hear as the anaesthetic starts to take effect? ‘Lord of this world, Father of Lies, Prince of Darkness, accept this, our sacrifice…’ 42

Definition of an orgasm:

show me yours." gland finale. I figure what Did you know that there are the heck, so I show her 71.9 acres of nipple tissue in mine. Then the U.S.? she shows me hers. If God had preferred us to Hers is bighave laughter rather than sex, ger. do you think he would have put two Jews in the Garden Of Would Eden? No! He would have had you send two Jews walking into a bar. your son to a school run by If God hadn't meant the someone pussy to be eaten, he wouldn't who insisted have made it look like a taco. on being called If God had not meant man to "Headmaster?" have sex with a goat, why put the horns in such a handy posi- You really have to hand it tion? to the blind prostituteâ&#x20AC;Ś

I was snatched in the prime of youth by someone who was primed in the snatch of youth!

Once heard from a rather liberal female acquaintance: Penises are like fish: the little ones, you throw back; the big ones, you mount!

The best part of waking up is not Folsers in your cup; the best part is remembering the name of the person sleeping next to you.

The difference between a sex maniac and a regular maniac is that a regular maniac slits your throat.

This beautiful woman says, "I'll show you mine if you

Happiness is a path, not a destination.

Seven days without laughter makes one weak.

Of course there's now a higher percentage of seat belt users. The non-users are slowly being killed off.

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.

When you're arguing with a fool, make sure he isn't doing the same thing.

If you only see one 43

movie this year..... you should get out more often!

A cynic is a person who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.

Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not true. I have the heart of a young boy - in a jar on my desk.

A guy is 85 years old and friends are envious and jealous top of it and help flatten it...' loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up". He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up." He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog. The man said, "Are you talking to me?" 'Yes" said the frog "I'm talking to you. Pick me up, then, kiss me, and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. 'll make sure that all your

because I will be your bride!" The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket. Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride." He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said: "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

'You are wasting your time,' said the boy. 'Why is that?' the mom asked puzzled. 'Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up again!!

A man was sitting on a blan-

ket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs. Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man. The first woman said, A little boy walks into his 'Have you ever had a hug?' parents' room to see his mom The man said, 'No,' so, she on top of his dad bouncing up gave him a hug and walked on. and down. The second woman said, 'Have The mom you ever had a kiss?' sees her son The man said, 'No,' so she gave and quickly him a kiss and walked on. dismounts, The third really beautiful worried woman came up to him and about what said, 'Have you ever been her son has fucked?' The fellow said, 'No.' seen. She said, 'You will be when the She dresses tide comes in.' quickly and goes to find A man went into an urolohim. gist and told him he was having The son a problem, sees his As he was unable to get his mom and manhood erect. asks, 'What The doctor checked him out were you then told him that the muscles and Dad around the base of the organ doing?' were damaged from a previous The mother viral infection and there was replies, nothing he could actually do for 'Well, you him. However, he knew of an know your experimental treatment that dad has a might work, if he is willing to big tummy take the risk. The treatment and someconsisted of planting muscle times I have tissues from an elephants trunk to get on 44

into his 'old Fella . The man thought about it for a while. The thought of having to go through life without sex was too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty to the elephant, the man decided to go for it. A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go and try out his newly renovated equipment. As a result he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town. In the middle of dinner he felt a strong stirring in his loins that continued to the point of being extremely painful. To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his knob sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and re-

turned to his trousers. His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly grin on her face, she said, "that was incredible! can you do that again"? With tears in his eyes he replied, "I think I can, but I am not sure if another bread roll will fit up my arse"

A priest was being

honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited: 'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way Siamese Twins out of it. He had Worst Case Scenario stolen money from 45

his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.'... Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk: 'I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived,' said the politician. 'In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession.'

Smuggler Puzzle Pages

Solutions Page 61

Giant Sudoku Puzzle. Fill each empty cell so that every row, every column and every 5x5 box contains all the letters from A to Y. This will keep you busy.

Easy

Hard

13. Tree-like grass (6) 15. Scolding (6) 17. Make hard (6) 20. Stiff and formal (7) 22. Class of Indian society (5) 24. Burdened (5) 25. In the place of (7)

Across 6. Ray of sunlight (7) 7. Tropical eel (5)

8. Indian of Mexico (5) 10. Weirdest (7) 12. Flowering shrubs (6) 47

Down 1. Informal test (4) 2. Swordsman (6) 3. Yellowish brown colour (5) 4. Lectern (6) 5. Ventilates (4) 8. Eternal (7) 9. English royal house (5) 11. Thrash (7) 14. Waits (5) 16. Person who operates a farm (6) 18. Right to enter (6) 19. Sarcastic doubter of sincerity and merit (5) 21. Small dabbling duck (4) 23. Conjunction (4)

I'm tired of all the sex on the television. I mean, I keep falling off! Diapers and politicians need to be changed...often for the same reasons. 67.9% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

The truth is out

Modern medicine still hasn't decided whether it's harder on a middleaged man to mow the lawn himself or argue to get his teenage son to do it. The 50-50-90 rule: Any time you have a 5050 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

there. Anyone know the The only reason URL? some people get lost in The problem with thought is because it's unfamiliar territory. people who worship themselves is: when they God gave us all a get together, their penis and a brain, but religions conflict. only enough blood to In the book of life, the run one at a time. answers aren't in the It's not that I'm back. afraid to die. I just don't want to be Nothing is ever a there when it happens. complete failure; it can always serve as a Drugs may be the bad example. road to nowhere, but at If your wife wants to least they're the scenic route! learn to drive, don't stand in her way. Our planet is the Don't hate yourself mental institution for the universe. in the morning - sleep 'till noon. Nothing is as Some of the world's embarrassing as watching someone do greatest feats were accomplished by people something that you said couldn't be done. not smart enough to know they were impossible. 48

How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit? Unique Up On It.

How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit? Tame Way.

How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest ? They Take The Psycho Path.

How Do You Get Holy Water? You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall? Dam! What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long? Polaroid's. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? Nacho Cheese. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers? Subordinate Clauses. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? Quattro Sinko.

What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow? Spoiled Milk. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? Anyone Can Roast Beef. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils? Because They Have Big Fingers .

I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.

Psychotics build castles in the sky, neurotics live in them, and psychologists collect the rent.

It takes your food seven

stand it anymore and takes her Complaint to the Personnel seconds to get from your Department and states she mouth to your stomach. wants to lay a Sexual harassOne human hair can support 3 ment grievance against him. kg (6.6 lb). The average man's The Human Resources supervipenis is three times the length The angry wife met her sor is puzzled by this decision husband at the door. There of his thumb. was alcohol on his breath and and asks, Human thighbones are 'What's sexually threatening lipstick on his collar. "I asstronger than concrete. sume," she snarled, "that there about a co-worker telling you A woman's heart beats faster your hair smells nice?' is a very good reason for you than a man's. to come waltzing in here at six She tells him 'It's Keith, the There are about one trillion o'clock in the morning?" "There dwarf!' bacteria on each of your feet. Women blink twice as often as is," he replied. "Breakfast." An Irishman arrived at men. J.F.K. Airport and wandered The average person's skin Every day a male coaround the terminal with tears weighs twice as much as the worker walks up very close to streaming down his cheeks. brain. a pretty Receptionist standing An airline employee asked him Your body uses 300 muscles to at the office coffee machine, if he was already homesick. balance itself when you are inhales a big breath of air and "No," replied the Irishman. standing still.. tells her that her hair smells "I've lost all me luggage!" If saliva cannot dissolve some- nice. "How'd that happen?" thing, you cannot taste it. After a week of this she can't Women reading this will be finished now. Men are still busy checking their thumbs.

across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one Two Irishmen, Patrick & of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man Michael, were adrift in a lifeof the cloth goin' bad." boat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. Then they saw a Rabbi enter While rummaging through the the brothel, and the other boat's provisions, Patrick stum- Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that bled across an old lamp. the Jews are falling' victim to Secretly hoping that a genie temptation." would appear, he rubbed the Then they saw a Catholic priest lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, genie came forth. This particular genie, however, "What a terrible pity... one of the girls must be quite ill." stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the Australian Giant Caterpillar stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Remember, dogs and cats Michael looked disgustedly at are better than kids because Patrick whose wish had been they (1) eat less, (2) don't ask granted. After a long, tension-filled mo- for money all the time, (3) are easier to train, ment, he spoke: (4) normally come when called, "Nice going Patrick! (5) never ask to drive the car, Now we're going to have to (6)don't hang out with drugpee in the boat! using people; (7) don't smoke Two Irishmen were sit- or drink, (8) don't want to wear your clothes, (9) don't ting in a pub having beer have to buy the latest fashions, and watching the brothel (10)don't need a gazillion dol"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.

lars for college and (11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

A woman walks into the Liverpool benefits office, trailed by 15 kids...'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'Are they ALL yours? 'Yeah they are all mine,' the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, 'Sit down Terry.' All the children rush to find seats. 'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names.' 'This one's my oldest he is Terry.' 'OK, and who's next?' 'Well, this one he is Terry, also.' The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri. 'All right,' says the caseworker. 'I'm seeing a pattern here.. Are they all named Terri?' Their Mother replied, 'Well, yes it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Terry!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Terry!' an' they all come runnin.' An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell' Terry' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, naming 'them all Terry.' The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her fore head and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?' 'I call them by their surnames!'

Obama turns to the accompanying doctor and asks, "Is this a psychiatric ward?" "No," replies the doctor, "this is the serious Burns unit."

Barack Obama is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness. He greets one. The patient replies: "Fair fa your honest sonsie face, Great chieftain O the puddin race, Aboon them a ye take yer place, Painch, tripe or thairm, As langs my airm." Obama is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient. The next patient responds: "Some hae meat an canna eat, And some wad eat that want it, But we hae meat an we can eat, So let the Lord be thankit." The President is even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the President moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant: "Wee sleekit, cowerin, timorous beasty, O the panic in thy breasty, Thou needna start awasae hastie, Wi bickering brattle." Now seriously troubled,

to Improve Your Business' and 'Becoming More Successful.' Then, a Member of Parliament comes in for a haircut , and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community serOne day a florist goes vice this week.' The Member of to a barber for a haircut. Parliament is very happy and leaves the shop. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barTime to replace the church ber replies, window. 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door. Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the The next morning when the barber goes to open up there barber goes to open up, there is a 'thank you' card and a are a dozen Members of Parliadozen donuts waiting for him ment lined up waiting for a free at his door. haircut. Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and Officers in Scottish Regiwhen he tries to pay his bill, ments are now referring to the barber again replies, their penis as "Gordon." I can 'I cannot accept money from only assume it's because it's a you. I'm doing community ser- Scottish one eyed prick. Maybe vice this week.' The professor they feel a bit pissed off with is very happy and leaves the him. shop. The next morning when the A Chelsea Pensioner was barber opens his shop, there is sitting on a bench in the park in a 'thank you' card and a dozen London. different books, such as 'How 54

A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair that was all different colours -- green, red, orange, blue and yellow. The old soldier just stared!! The young man said. "What's the matter, old timer? Never done anything wild in your life?" The old soldier replied, "Got drunk once and fucked a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."

do!

I don't know with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.

Put your

hand on a hot stove for a If at first you don't succeed, minute, and it redefine success. seems like an hour. Sit with The secret to creativity is a pretty girl knowing how to hide your for an hour, sources. and it seems Failure to prepare is preparing like a minute. That's relativity. to fail.

People who say they are perfect have already proven themselves wrong.

Everyone can do one thing better than everybody else... It's usually reading their own handwriting. Death is a once in a lifetime experience.

If you can't make it good, at least make it look good.

I have secrets so deep and dark, even I don't know what they are.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left. Women's faults are many, men have just two! Everything they say and everything they

Advertising - a judicious mixture of flattery and threats.

Just because you think you're paranoid, doesn't mean someone isn't following youâ&#x20AC;Ś

Our scientific power has outrun our spiritual power. We have guided missiles and misguided men. If something is difficult to 55

find... It's like trying to find a fart in a Jacuzzi.

I'm going to go rob a bank

up for work, nearly 8 hours late. He's got a good excuse tomorrow. I plan on dressing up in a clown though; he got nicked on the way to work. wig and make up and only According to the police, wrapwearing a thong and nipple ping your cock in the Beano & tassels. wanking yourself off on the bus I'll carry a goat and a can of is not part of "Comic Relief". fluorescent paint in one arm and, while in the bank, I'm going to fuck the goat and throw A white collar worker gets the paint over the walls, all the put in jail. His new cell mate is a six foot six black man. time ripping up pages of a The black man says to the phonebook and swearing my white man, who is cowering in head off. After getting the the corner, “which you going money, I'll take a shit on the to be the husband or the wife”. floor and piss everywhere. I then will escape in a van shaped The white guy says “I’ll be the husband” The black guy says, like a giant pink cock. “ok come over here and suck Let's see Crimewatch fucking stage a reconstruction of that. your new wife's dick!”.

Talk about taking the piss. I became confused when I One of the guys has just turned heard these terms with refer-

ence to the word 'service'. Internal Revenue 'Service' Postal 'Service' Telephone 'Service' Cable 'Service' Civil 'Service' Customer 'Service' Public 'Service' This is not what I thought 'service' meant, but today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' a few cows. BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those 'service' agencies are doing to us. I hope you are now as enlightened as I.

The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to choose from.

The chicken came first. God would look silly sitting on an egg.

two reasons for doing anything... a good reason and the real reason.

If two wrongs don't

A student who

make a right, try three.

All the taxes paid over a lifetime by the average American are spent by the government in less than a second.

People who claim they don't let little things bother them have never slept in a room with a single mosquito.

A real person has

changes the course of history is probably taking an exam.

Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.

All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

Girl: I have committed a great sin. I called a boy a bastard. Psychiatrist: That’s not a nice thing to call someone. What did he do to deserve it? Girl: Well, he kissed me. Psychiatrist: You mean, like this? Girl: Yes! Psychiatrist: Well, that’s no reason to call him a bastard. Girl: But he put his hand inside my bra. Psychiatrist: You mean, like this? Girl: Yes! Psychiatrist: Well, that’s no reason to call him a bastard. Girl: But he took my clothes off. Psychiatrist: You mean, like this? Girl: Yes! Psychiatrist: Well, that’s no reason to call him a bastard. Girl: But he had sex with me. Psychiatrist: You mean, like this? Girl: Yes! Psychiatrist: Well, that’s still no reason to call him a bastard. Girl: But he told me he has AIDS. Psychiatrist: The Bastard! If you feel you have been effected by any of the issues raised in the above joke please call the Smuggler helpline. Your call is confidential, free and we do not apportion blame. Name: Ecpecteria Trouserius (Trouser Snake) Location: Throughout the world Description: Varying from pink to black. Fangless, but with a highly venomous spit. Size varies from three to twelve inches, depending on its mood and subspecies. Symptoms: The snake attacks mainly women in the front lower abdomen, resulting in an inconspicuous bump, then a severe swelling, followed by excruciating pain after nine months. However, it has been known to attack men in the rear lower abdomen, which can be fatal. Habitat: Usually found in bedrooms, but also in open spaces, the back seats of cars, and in fact can pop up in the most unexpected of places. Antidote: Various types of vaccine available for women. But once the venom is injected into the body, only drastic measures will ensure complete recovery. What to do when attacked: Suck the wound. This method is most popular with the victim, but is not known to have achieved any success. In order to keep the snake safely, please see side box with instructions on milking the venom. Please contact the Smuggler team if you need any further directions. 58

Milking the Snake: 1. Place four fingers of the right hand around the neck of the reptile, with the thumb in front. 2. Grip firmly and move the hand in an upward and downward motion. 3. This will see the snake become highly aggressive and start spitting. 4. The time taken for this milking process depends entirely on the milker and the last time the snake attacked. 5. Once milked, the snake should remain harmless for about twenty minutes. 6. Repeat as necessary.

IF MEN RULED THE WORLD: Any fake number a girl gave you would automatically forward to her real number. Nodding and looking at your watch would be considered an acceptable answer to ‘I love you’. Hallmark would make ‘Sorry, what was your name again?’ cards. When you girlfriend really needed to talk to you during a match, she’d appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during half-time. Instead of a beer belly, you’d get beer biceps. Valentine’s Day would be moved to Feb 29th, so it would only occur in leap years. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A slap on the arse and a ‘Good try, you’ll get ‘em next time!’ would pretty much do it. The victors in any sporting event would get to kill and eat the losers. Condoms would be lager flavoured. Tanks would be easy to rent. Telephone conversations would automatically cut off after thirty seconds of conversation. It would be considered harmless fun to gather twenty friends, put on horned helmets, and go and pillage a nearby village. What’s a man’s idea of foreplay? Brushing his teeth. Why do men like having sex with the lights on? It makes it easier to put a name to the face. Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check if anyone else is coming. Once upon a time a female brain cell mistakenly ended up in a man’s head. She looked around nervously, but it was all empty and quiet. ‘Is anyone here?’ she shouted. There was no reply. So she shouted louder, ‘Is anyone around?’ Then she heard a voice from far, far away. ‘Hello, we’re all down here…’ 60

Distribution Agents for The Smuggler Ador: Monte Corona Restaurant. Alfaz: Roys Auction House. Benidorm: Trade Wise. Benissa: Café Pronto (in Iceland). Cabo Roig: Slievenamon Irish Pub. Calpe: New Chester’s Bar; Tasty Pastry; Saffy’s Bar. Denia: Bar Café Olé. Els Poblets: The Orange Grove Restaurant. Jalon: Quick Save; Lemon Tree Bar; Harry Stafford’s Fish & Chips. Javea: Euro Bazar; Coastal Bar; Bomber’s Pub; Digby’s Bar; Inspirations; James the Barber; Sertel scp; Quo Vadis; Incodnito Fish and Chips; Checker’s Pizza; English Bakers. La Llosa de Camacho: Bar Emilio. La Marina: La Marina Lavanderia. La Xara: Kelly’s of La Xara. Los Altos: Welcome Inn. Los Dolses: Madigan’s Bar; Bar Wicked. Moraira: Hamiltons of London; Mojo’s Bar Bistro; Holly’s Bar & Restaurant. Moraira – Calpe Coast Rd: Tich’s Bar; Cornish Pride; David’s Fish & Chip Shop. Oliva: Quick Save; Magnum’s Bar; Bar Express; La Brasa; Café Ole. Orba: The New Forn Vell. Playa Flamenca: Macey’s Shop; Frying Scotsman. Punta Prima: The Captain’s Table Restaurant. San Luis: Hoggies Bar. Teulada: Base Satellite. Torrevieja: Express Internet. Villa Martin: Chadwick’s Bar. Contact Paul on 690 345 135 Email: editor@thesmuggler.es