May 08 issue

******A Free Magazine******

Costa Blanca Issue

Issue 14 May 2008

Warning This publication is aimed at open minded non-bigoted adult readers.

The stories contained in it are satire and parody and are ‘almost’ all fictitious.

Meet The Smuggler Team @

The Javea Indoor Port Market Summer Fete The 24th of May. 2pm Start.

Come Along and Join In The Fun. For Details Call: 960 462 114 or 670 387 948.

Visit our web site at www.thesmuggler.es and join in our new forum, pass comment on the magazine, start a new topic, post a joke, or write a witty story.

To Advertise in The Smuggler. Call: Paul (Denia-Javea-Calpe Area)

690 34 51 35

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646 70 35 78

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691 04 13 75

Paul (Costa Blanca South)

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D.L. V-464-2008 CIF. E98018625

2 of advertisers with regard to any claims made by, or The Smuggler takes no responsibility whatsoever on behalf information given in, advertisements contained within this publication. Under no circumstances can any part of this publication including text, illustrations, photographs or complete advertisements, be reproduced in any form without the express permission in writing of The Smuggler editor.

Dear Editor I was in McDonald’s in Denia on Saturday night. I popped into the toilet where a young employee was cleaning up a pool of vomit. On the back of his shirt were the words, “I’m lovin’ it”. His face told a different story.

Bill Packard, Denia.

Letters to The Editor

Dear Editor I would like to offer a remedy for ‘clogged feet’ in dreams – with me it always succeeds.

Whenever I am overcome in this way I immediately unscrew my feet at the ankles, and hurry on without them. One must, however, remember that the left foot has a left-handed thread.

H.R.F Keating, Calpe.

Dear Editor To prevent bedtime from becoming monotonous my husband gets into bed at the right side on Mondays and Tuesdays, the left side on Wednesdays and Thursdays, and climbs the footboard Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays.

Violet McRichards, Campo.

have been used. I hold no strong view myself, but I do wonder what the lady would have done had the man produced from his bowler hat a valid membership card.

S. Salzburg, via email.

Surely his MEMBERship was on full view.

Ed. Dear Editor

I am writing to ask your help. I make regular tours of the Costa Blanca lecturing on the dangers of drink. During my lectures I am accompanied by a man who displays all the signs of a life ruined by drink and Dear Editor debauchery (unhealthy pallor, Recently, at a Costa Blanca golf body odour, bloodshot eyes, course, a lady golfer, when overweight, flatulence etc.). confronted by a naked man During my talk I would use this wearing only a bowler hat, man as a warning to others. asked him whether he was a Sadly, he died last month. member, and then hit him with I have been given your name as a Number 8 iron. a possible replacement for him.

Purist will long dispute whether If interested please get in it was obviously a mashie-shot, touch. You would be doing the 3 or whether the niblick should

people of the Costa Blanca a great service.

Rev. H Knight, via email.

Dear Rev, You obviously know me well but not well enough to know that I’d be to pissed to join in.

However I’ll have a word with me mate Colin he seems to fit the bill.

Ed. Dear Editor, What’s all the fuss about the Zimbabwean economy? The country now has more multimillionaires than the whole world put together. They’ve even had to start printing fiftymillion dollar notes. Mugabe should be applauded.

Precious N´Gotopapababadioup, Tunbridge Wells.

Email your letters to editor@thesmuggler.es or Fax your letters to 962 855 878 The Editor has total discretion over which letters are printed ‘because he’s the Boss’.

Cyd the Cynic/Don’t son of Charles Darwin, Let Your Children Read This It’s a sad fact of life that most of us will be ‘alsorans’. For all our great early promise, all our parent’s encouragement, all our hopes and dreams, most of us will plod along, with little praise or recognition, until we drop wearily and barely noticed into the grave. Few will remember us; even less will really miss us. I think that for a writer, or any artist really, this is especially hard to bear. I’ve come to accept the hard truth now, but I still keep my dream of being really famous alive, although nowadays it’s by treating the bill from Iberdrola as fan mail. I’ve taken to returning their letters with a little signed photo of me inside. I often wonder what they must think when they get their letter back, with my face looking out at them through the envelope’s little window.

However, I can always console myself with tales of other ‘also-rans’. People who far out shine me when it comes to being forgotten by posterity.

People who have put far greater effort then me into life, only to be pipped at the post, cruelly treated by fate, or otherwise kicked in the balls by a pitiless God. Take poor old George Darwin for instance. The

George decided to become a scientist like his dad.

Got to admire his balls.

Those are some pretty big shoes to fill. Anything less than a total revolution in scientific thinking and a complete shift in our world view would leave him as the Victorian equivalent of Germaine Jackson. But brave George stepped up to the plate. His first theory? That the moon was created by lava being sucked out of the earth.

Er, sucked out by what, George? A giant galactic prostitute? Was he suggesting that our solar system is in the vicinity of a kind of cosmic N332 at Altea? Try again, George.

And try he did. His next theory claimed that a pearshaped rotating fluid body would show stability in space. Er? What? What sort of a mind would dream up such a theory?

For what purpose? Even putting neatly to one side the fact that it’s utter claptrap, that’s the sort of idea that makes Salvador Dali look sane.

Then there was a chap called Moses Cleaveland.

A fine, upstanding American citizen whose many good deeds resulted in him having an entire city named after him. That was up until the local paper decided 4 that ‘Cleveland’ (without the ‘a’) would fit better on its masthead. Bastards! If

people like that were around today you’d now be reading ‘Yd the Cynic’ in The Muggler.

Then there was the great explorer Cornelius Mey. So great were his exploits that it was decided to honour him by naming a headland after him. That was until some cartographer couldn’t be arsed to check the spelling of his name and now were stuck with ‘Cape May’. It was considered too expensive to recall all the maps. I don’t know about you, but I suspect if I were Mey I would have offered to cover the expense out of my own pocket (or at the very least the assassination fee for the map maker).

Ancient history has got its share of also-rans too. For example, did you know there were two Brutus’s involved in the murder of Caesar? The one everyone knows of was Brutus Marcus, but there was also a Brutus Albinus, who by all accounts of the time was actually the more powerful of the two. Unfortunately he went on to be killed by a Gallic chieftain. I’m not sure what’s worse, being forgotten by history, or killed by a Frenchman.

Of course, the bible’s full of also-rans. Take Absalom for instance. While in a battle his flowing hair got caught in the branches of a tree, where he was slain by Joab. Now you know why the army insists on crew cuts.

But perhaps the cruellest example of an also-ran belongs to Lou Costello’s original partner, who has been so forgotten I couldn’t even track down his

name. He worked with Lou for several years, getting their comedy routine off pat.

They eventually got their big chance in front of an influential audience in New York, but before he could appear he went down with the flu. A young ticket checker at the theatre volunteered to take his place.

A young ticket checker called Bud Abbott.

That sort of break has just gotta put a crimp in your day.

Finally, an also-ran for all you sadomasochists out there.

Everyone’s heard of the Marquis de Sade. His books are still read and films are still made about him, but who’s heard of Leopold von Sacher-Masoch? (From whom we get the word ‘Masochist’).

Now good old Leopold wrote extensively about how he liked to be whipped, beaten and humiliated, but nowadays very few know who he is. But think about it. That’s probably just the5 way he’d like it. “Go on, ignore me. Ignore my work, ignore my feel-

ings, just forget all about me”.

He’d probably get off on it. A happy also-ran. A lesson for us all.

Anyway, got to dash. Just had another electric bill in. My public awaits.

A cabbie picks up a nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the very handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: 'I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you' She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

He replies 'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.' She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that: No.1, you have to be single and No. 2, you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and

Catholic OK' the nun says 'Pull into the next alley.' The nun full fills the cab driver's fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. 'My dear child,' said the nun, why are you crying?' He replies 'Forgive me but I have sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish. 'The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.'

sobbed, 'When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech. If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for.'

A Welshman at the USA embassy: Name? - Ivor Jones.

Sex? – Excellent Three to five times a week.

A father asked his 10-year No, no...I mean male or female? old son if he knew about the Male, female, sometimes sheep. birds and the bees. 'I don't Holy cow! Oh yes, cow, goats, want to know,' the child said, animals in general. bursting into tears.

But isn't that hostile? Horse 'Promise me you won't tell me.' style, doggy style, any style!

Confused, the father asked Oh dear! what was wrong. The boy No, no! Deer they run too fast.

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www.happydaysspain.com

A woman went to a WalMart service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work The clerk told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special. Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming, 'PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!!!'

The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager In front of a growing crowd of customers. The manager comes to the woman and asks, 'Ma'am what's wrong?' She explains the problem with the toaster, and he also tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special. Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screams, 'PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!'

Which begins to draw an even bigger crowd! In shock, the store manager pleads, 'Ma'am, why are you saying that?' In a huff, the woman says, 'Because, i like to have my nipples pinched when I'm being screwed!!'

asked a priest who was strolling by, what the telephone was used for.

The priest replied that it was a direct line to Heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

He then travelled to France, Israel, Germany and Brazil. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with a "$10,000 per call" sign under it.

Geordieland now son. It's a The American finally decided to travel to the UK to see if the local call."

British had the same telephone.

He arrived in Newcastle and again, in the Minster, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "20p per call". The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.

"Reverend, I've travelled all over the world and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to A Texan decided to write a heaven, but book about famous churches everywhere I around the world, so he bought went the price a plane ticket and took a trip to was $10,000 Rome. On his first day he was per call. Why inside a church taking photois it so cheap graphs when he noticed a here?"

7 golden telephone mounted on The priest the wall with a sign that read smiled and $10,000 per call answered, The American, being intrigued, "You're in Answers Page: 32

The Ragged Clown/To Kill They’re always mind-numbing!

A Mocking Clown The story so far: With his writings becoming ever more bizarre (claiming to have worked in a male brothel run by Vincent Van Gogh, fantasising about the anal intrusion of a washing basket, daring to criticize the writing talent of the great Ian Brewer) The Ragged Clown’s editor reluctantly took the decision to fire him and have him committed (this was after printing embarrassing extracts from his private diary). Now jobless, incarcerated and humiliated The Ragged Clown believes things cannot get any worse. How wrong he is…

Twenty-five years in the future - Tuesday 24th May 2033. Costa Blanca Snooze Editor’s Office.

About elevenish.

Editor Sir Ian Brewer: Right, what news have we got in this week’s issue? Another earthquake in England, Pakistan to send aid; Spain to cede all rights to Gibraltar, on the condition England gives them Javea back; and another interview with Osama Bin Laden, this one with What Cave? Magazine, entitled ‘At home with the Ladins – A cave with character’. Hmmm, it’s all a bit interesting though, isn’t it? Haven’t we got something a bit blander? A nice flapjack recipe?

Or what about a 2-page report on the newest dogs home to open up on the Costa Blanca?

Sir Ian’s Assistant: Hmm, yes, I see what you’re saying Sir but it just seems to be one of those weeks with a lot happening. We could always make up for it next week by giving you a double column.

Sir Ian: Now that’s an idea!

Let’s see, what could I write about? My favourite yoghurt flavours, soft cheeses of southern France…

Sir Ian’s Ass: Or how about another gripping instalment of your autobiography, Sir? You could tell all on how you became the world’s only living brain donor.

Sir Ian: That’s it! I’ll get started right no… (at this point Sir Ian is interrupted by a bright light. He shades his eyes.)

Sir Ian: Arrrgh! What is it? I can’t see!

Arch Angel Schwarzenegger: Do not be afraid. I am the Arch Angel Schwarzenegger.

Sir Ian: (Unfazed) Yes, what do you want? Look, if this is this about that article I wrote criticising the introduction of gay marriages I take it all back.

In fact, just lately I’ve been taking it up the…(he is cut off mid sentence) (Thank God! – Smuggler lawyer) AAS: I bring glad tidings.

Sir Ian: Yes? What glad tidings?

AAS: From our lord.

Sir Ian: Yes, go on.

AAS: Who reigns in paradise.

Sometimes known 8 as Kal-liFORN-ya.

Sir Ian: Look, can you get on with it please? I’ve still got two

pages of right-wing bigotry to get down on paper before my naptime, then I’ve got…

AAS: Silence! Here are your glad tidings. You’ve been chosen for a special task.

Sir Ian: Yes… ASS: You are to use this time machine. (with a ‘poof’, a time machine appears) Sir Ian: Yes… ASS: To go back in time. To do a ‘special’ job.

Sir Ian: Yes… ASS: On the Ragged Clown.

Sir Ian: Yes… ASS: To ‘take care’ of the Ragged Clown.

Sir Ian: Er…’take care of’?

ASS: (slowly) Yes. To ‘take care’ of him, with extreme prejudice.

Sir Ian: Er…still not with you.

ASS: (making a gun shape with his hand and putting it to his head) (speaking very slowly) To put him out of our misery.

Sir Ian: Go on…if you could just be a bit more specific.

ASS: Well, that’s it. Do you need me to spell it out for you?

Sir Ian: If you could, it might help.

ASS: (Aside) Great jumping apple strudels, and I thought the average American was thick! (to Sir Ian). Right. Listen. Who has been a constant thorn in the side of all who hold blandness dear?

Sir Ian: Er… ASS: All who thrive on mediocrity?

Sir Ian: Er… ASS: All who believe the written word is no place for style, élan or sophistication?

Sir Ian: Er…no one is really

standing out.

ASS: (shouting) The Ragged Bloody Clown, you great moron!

Sir Ian: Oh yes! The Ragged Clown! Of course! What do you want me to do with him again?

ASS: Forget it. Don’t worry about it. Go back to sleep.

(He turns to Sir Ian’s Assistant) You. What’s you name? (before he can answer). Don’t worry, it doesn’t matter. I’m running out of time. Just listen.

Go back in time, kill the Ragged Clown, come back to this time. Simple. Even I could do it. (Ed: Well, you couldn’t actually. You got crushed.)

Sir Ian’s Ass: O-ok. I’ll get right on it. (he turns to get into the time machine) ASS: Just one more thing; I’ll be back.

Sir Ian’s Ass: Oh, right.

What time will you be back?

I’ll make sure I’m around to let you know how I got on.

ASS: No, I won’t really be back. It’s just something I say.

Sir Ian’s Ass: Why? ASS: Because…oh, what’s the use? (‘Poof’, he disappears.)

Next month: How will Sir Ian’s Ass get on trying to kill the Ragged Clown?

Who will change Sir Ian’s nappy while he’s away?

Will the lawyer even allow us to publish the next instalment? All this and more in next month’s Smuggler (cue dramatic music, fade to credits, run commercial for Lost).

A DAY WITHOUT LAUGHTER IS A DAY WASTED' A married couple having their first baby were invited to make use of a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pains to the baby's father. Both were happy to try it.

The pain transfer was set to 10 percent but the husband felt nothing so the doctor increased it to 20 percent. The

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father said he still felt fine and his blood pressure was normal. He invited the doctor to kick it up to 50 percent. Still no reaction. The doctor was amazed and slowly transferred all the pain until the wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband and the doctor were ecstatic. When they got home, the gardener was lying dead at the gate.

A man and a woman who idea!' he exclaimed. had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly.....

He in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM , the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?

I'm awfully cold.' 'I have a better idea,' she replied. 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.' 'Wow! That's a great

'Good,' she replied. 'Get your own fucking blanket.'

After a moment of silence, he farted.

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence, and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'

She calls on little Harry.

He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'

The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'

Then little Harry says, 'I have a question for YOU Miss Rogers'.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking on

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the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?'

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'

To which Little Harry replies, the correct answer is 'The one with the wedding-ring on, 'but I like your thinking.'

B&Q SCAM I'm not usually one for posting warnings about potential scams but I had a close call yesterday.

I walked into B&Q hardware store at lunchtime and some old guy dressed in a black shirt with an orange apron on asked me if I wanted decking.

Fortunately, I got the first punch in and sorted the B*****d out.

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work.

Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand. With another mile to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas..

Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly: 'Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.'

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as

he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes.

The pleasure was indescribable.

When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of

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my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: 'Happy Birthday!'

Adventure of a lifetime.

Demand a local country driver license or national insurance If you are ready for the advennumber equivalent ture of a lifetime, try this: This will afford other legal Go to Pakistan, Afghanistan or rights and will go far to legitiIraq illegally. Never mind immimise your unauthorised, illegal, gration quotas, visas, internapresence in Pakistan , Afghanitional law, or any of that nonstan or Iraq ... sense.

Drive around with no MOT, Once there, demand that the tax or insurance and ignore local overnment provide free local traffic laws. medical care for you and your Insist that local country law entire family. enforcement teaches English to Demand bilingual nurses and all its officers. doctors.

Organise protest marches Demand free bilingual local against your host country, ingovernment forms, bulletins, citing violenceagainst non-Brits, etc. non-Christians, and the governProcreate abundantly. ment that let you in.

Deflect any criticism of this Good luck! You'll soon be allegedly irresponsible reprodead. ductive behaviour with, 'It is a It would never happen in Pakicultural thing; you wouldn't stan, Afghanistan or Iraq (or understand.' any other country in the world Keep your British identity for that matter) except right strong. Fly your national flag here in the UK , because we from your rooftop, or proudly are run by soft, politically cordisplay it in your front window, rect politicians that are too or on your car bumper. scared to 'offend' anyone.

Speak only English at home and Alzheimer’s test in public, and insist that 12 developed as The following was your children do likewise.

Demand classes on English cul- a mental age assessment by the ture in the Muslim school sys- School of Psychiatry at Harvard University . tem.

Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!

1. This is this cat.

2. This is is cat.

3. This is how cat.

4. This is to cat.

5. This is keep cat.

6. This is an cat.

7. This is old cat.

8. This is fart cat.

9. This is busy cat.

10. This is for cat.

11. This is forty cat.

12. This is seconds cat.

Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down...

Fuck Fuck You You

13

In their bedroom next door, Camilla bought new shoes for her wedding, which the Queen said to Prince

At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. got increasingly tighter around Phillip, "See? I told you with a 'Here's a stunning ring at only face like that, she was still a her feet as the day went on.

That night, when the festivities virgin!" Meanwhile, as Charles $40,000' the jeweller said. tried to remove her left shoe, The young lady's eyes sparkled were finally over and they reand her whole body trembled he cried, "Oh, God, darling! tired to their room, she with excitement. The old man This one's even tighter!"

At flopped on the bed and said, seeing this said, 'We'll take it.' which Prince Phillip said to the "Charles, darling, please reThe jeweller asked how payQueen, "That's my boy: move my shoes, my feet are ment would be made and the once a Navy man, always a killing me!" Her ever-obedient old man stated, 'by check. I Navy man!

Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour, but it An older, white haired man know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it would not budge. �Harder!" walked into a jewellery store now and you can call the bank yelled Camilla. "Harder!" one Friday evening with a beauMonday to verify the funds and Charles yelled back, "I'm trying, tiful young gal at his side. He I'll pick the ring up Monday darling! But it's just so bloody told the jeweller he was lookafternoon,' he said. Monday tight!" "Come on! Give it all ing for a special ring for his morning, the jeweller phoned you've got!" she cried. girlfriend. The jeweller looked the old man. 'There's no Finally, when it released, through his stock and brought money in that account.'

Charles let out a big groan and out a $5,000 ring.

Camilla exclaimed, "There! Oh, The old man said, 'No, I'd like 'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my weekGod, that feels so good!" to see something more special.' end!

14

Chime and Chime Again.

“Football will never be the same again after this month’s FA Cup Final”, claims a life long Portsmouth fan. Following their fortuitous semi-final victory, due mainly to Milan Baros´s uncanny ability to use his upper limb to control the ball, 42 year-old submariner, Sol Lent, feels his beloved Pompey will leave an indelible impression on football fans the world over.

“Ask any football fan which is the most famous football song in the world, and they will undoubtedly point to Liverpool’s rendition of `Walk On´. This will change after May 17th; without a doubt. When Pompey take to the Wembley stage on this day, they will be accompanied by the famous

`Pompey Chimes´. After that, we’ll back them to the final whistle with the rest of our extensive repertoire. Any corners we gain will be accompanied by `Play-Up Pompey, Pompey Play-Up¨. Free kicks and goal kicks ditto. Any halftime interval entertainment will be drowned out by `Play-Up Pompey, Pompey Play-Up´, as will any decision that goes our way for the remainder of the game. And I’ll tell you something, if we should score our usual 1 goal per game, we’ll raise the roof with our really loud rendition of `Play-Up Pompey, Pompey Play-Up´. But all this will pale into insignificance if we should actually go on to win. When our captain raises that famous cup he’ll do so to an ear-busting `Play-Up

Pompey, Pompey Play-Up´.

They’ll be able to hear us all the way to Cricklewood.”

“After that day, `Play-Up Pompey, Pompey Play-Up´ will be on the lips of every football fan in the world: mark my words. It’ll be adopted by fans of all the top clubs in the world, but none will be able to match us for intensity. Mainly due to the fact that it is a complicated song, and it takes several years to get to grips with the lyrics.”

When we asked him what the lyrics actually stood for, he shrugged his shoulders, and walked away muttering something about `scummers´ under his breath.

May 2008: Royturds News Agency

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“Some Choice EH!”

CORREOS LAUNCH NEW COMPANY LOGO Ostrich with head in sand ‘encapsulates our company ethos’ spokeswoman states Correos held a ceremony in Torrevieja this week to launch their new company logo. The logo depicts an ostrich with its head buried in the sand. When asked to explain the new design a spokeswoman told The Smuggler, “We wanted a logo which people could connect to Correos. Something that had resonance with anyone who had ever had the misfortune to use our services. We feel the ostrich with its head in the sand encapsulates our company

the Torrevieja region. Luckily these lost letters also include any letters of complaint, so with an absolutely straight face we can state we have no delivery problem. It’s business as usual!” she proudly proclaimed.

The cost of designing the new logo was an estimated €800,000. When asked why Correos didn’t use this money to help improve services the spokeswoman replied, “Well, yeah, we could have done, but most of the mail that goes missing is for foreigners so, you know, who cares?”

The Smuggler managed to track down the designer of the new logo, Mr Ars Wype. When asked to justify the exorbitant sum he’d charged to come up with the new logo he told us,

look at the ostrich’s stomach.

Anyone who knows anything about birds can see this one is constipated. Therefore, just like Correos, this ostrich couldn’t give a shit!” At this point he slid off his chair, and spent the rest of the meeting passed out on the floor. We learnt later he was actually working on the new logo for Telefonica – two tin cans connected by a bit of string.

Public reaction to the new logo was mixed. One Torrevieja resident told us, “Yes, a bird with its head in the sand. A perfect image for Correos!”

While another resident told us, “Yeah, I can see what the logo’s getting at, but for me the one true defining feature of Correos is its gross incompetence. I think any logo should really have that idea at its core.”

“The person who coined the phrase "as different as chalk and cheese" obviously hadn't tasted Aldi’s cheddar”.

“If Eastenders is so true to life, how come none of the loveable Cockney characters are Man Utd supporters?”

“A flightless bird. Just like Correos, f*cking useless”) ethos.”

When asked to elaborate further the spokesperson continued, “We lose an estimated thirty thousand letters a year in

“A lot of work 16 and thought went into this, this wasn’t the result of some boozy lunchtime session. For example, take a

“They say football is a game of two halves. Not for me it isn't. I regularly down eight or nine pints whilst watching a live game on TV”

17

18

Golfing With Grandpa

within five feet of the hole (She was closest to the pin.) The A father, son and grandson son said, 'Damn, lady, you went to the country club for played that perfectly.' their weekly round of golf. Just The blonde frowned and said, as they reached the first tee, a 'It was a little weak, but even beautiful young blonde woman an easy seven would have been carrying her bag of clubs aptoo much club. I've left a tricky proached them. She explained little putt.' She then tapped in that the member who brought the five-footer for a birdie. her to the club for a round of Having the honors, she drove golf had an emergency that first on the second hole, called him away and asked the knocked the hell out of the trio whether she can join ball, and it landed nearly 300 them. yards away smack in Naturally, the guys all agreed. the middle of the fairway.

Smiling, the blonde thanked For the rest of the round the them and said, 'Look, fellows, I statuesque blonde continued to work in a topless bar as a amaze the guys, quietly and dancer, so nothing shocks me methodically shooting for par anymore. If any of you want to or less on every hole. smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, When they arrived at the 18th swear, tell off-color stories or green, the blonde was three do anything that you normally under par, and had a very nasty do when playing a round to12-foot putt on an undulating gether, go ahead. But I enjoy green for a par. She turned to playing golf, consider myself the three guys and said, 'I really pretty good at it, so don't try want to thank you all for not to coach me on how to play acting like a bunch of chauvinmy shots.' ists and telling me what club to With that the guys agreed to use or how to play a shot, but I relax and invited her to drive need this putt for a 69 and I'd first. really like to break 70 on this All eyes were fastened on her course. If any one of you can shapely behind as she bent to tell me how to make par on place her ball on the tee. She this hole, I'll take him back to then took her driver and hit my apartment, pour some 35the ball 270 yards down the year-old Single Malt Strathmill middle, right in front of the Scotch in him, fix him a green. steak dinner and then show The father's mouth was agape. him a very good time the rest 'That was beautiful,' he said. of the night.

The blonde put her driver The yuppie son jumped at the away and said, 'I really didn't thought! He strolled across the get into it, and I have faded it a green, carefully19 eying the line of little.' After the three guys hit the putt and finally said, their drives and their second 'Honey, aim about 6 inches to shots, the blonde took out an the right of the hole and hit it eight iron and lofted the ball

firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup.

The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb. Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and let it run left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup.

The fit and trim grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said, 'That's a 'gimme' if I ever saw one, sweetheart.'

The blonde smiled and said, 'Your car or mine?' “old age and wisdom will overcome youthful exuberance every time” “They say good manners cost you nothing. B*llocks.

I sent my daughter to finishing school and it cost me twenty bloody grand.”

“These so-called speed bumps are a joke. If anything, they slow you down.”

“I would just like to say a big thank you to all those wonderful young people who stand on motorway slip roads (in any weather, mind you) holding up boards telling us motorists where they lead to.”

Englishman - Frenchman Female Compassion at In a train carriage there was an Englishman, a Frenchman, a spectacular looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady.

After several minutes of the trip the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, the Frenchman had a big red slap mark on his cheek.

The blonde thought - "That French son of a bitch wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face".

The fat lady thought - "This dirty old Frenchman laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him".

The Frenchman thought - "That ****ing Englishman put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me".

The Englishman thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack that French twat again".

it's best !

Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife, Carolyn,that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love. Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, 'Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live.

Maybe we could make love again?' Carolyn agreed and again they made love.

Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left.

He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said, 'Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die.'

She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.

Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours.

He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up.'

Honey, I only have four hours Einstein was born March left! Could we...?'His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and 14, 1879. He would be 128 if said, 'Listen Barry, I'm not behe were alive today. Few peoing funny ...but I have to get up ple remember that the Nobel in the morning and you don't.'

Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his A judge was interviewing a first marriage dissolved in 1919. woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are At the time he stated that he the grounds for your divorce?" was attracted to Elsa because she was so well-endowed. He She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the postulated that if you are atmiddle of the property with a tracted to women with large stream running by." breasts, the attraction is even stronger if there is a DNA con- "No," he said, "I20mean what is nection. This came to be know the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick as,,, Einstein's Theory of and mortar," she responded.

'Relative Titty'.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents." He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes." "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does.

He said he can't communicate with me."

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting ,'13....13....13' The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.

Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick. Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...

Champions What does an Arsenal fan do after his team has beaten Man U? Turns off his Playstation 2 and celebrates by giving his sister one..

One of the men was carrying two buckets of sand.

At first I was afraid, I was pet- “What the hell’s going on rified, there?” one of the friends says When you said you had 10 to the other. inches, Lord I almost died!

“Well, the naked woman is a But I’d spent so many years raving nymphomaniac. She’s just waiting for a man that escaped from the asylum long, across the road, and the three That I grew strong and knew men are trying to catch her to that I could take you on.

But there you are, another lie take her back.”

I was ready for a Big Mac™ “B-but why is one of and you brought me a French them carrying two fry, buckets of sand?”

I should have known that it asked the friend, towas bullshit, tally confused.

Just a sad pathetic dream, Should have known there was “Well that’s his handicap. He caught her no anaconda Lurking in you last time.” jeans!

Sing It, Girls!

Go on now go! Walk out the door, Don’t you promise me 10 inches, Then turn up with only 4!

Weren’t you a Pratt to think I wouldn’t find you out?

Don’t you know were only joking, When we say size doesn’t count?

I will survive, I will survive, As long as I have batteries My sex life will just thrive, I will always have good sex With a handful of latex!

I will survive, I will survive Hey hey…….

I’ll Pay Her Green Fees!

Two friends were on the first tee when a naked woman ran by, being chased by three men.

Mildred, the local gossip and selfappointed monitor of the villager’s morals kept sticking her nose into other people’s business.

Many people disapproved of her vicious tongue, but were too afraid of being on the receiving end to challenge her.

One day, she launched a particularly nasty attack on one poor chap, George, saying that she 21 had seen his car parked outside a bar all day, and that she knew

what he was doing in there, and that now she’d told everyone about him, the whole village would know what he was doing if he parked there again.

George said nothing. He just walked away.

Later that day however, he parked his car outside Mildred’s house, and left it there all night.

Flame On! Following the less than successful running of the Olympic torch through some of the worlds´ major cities, a spokesman for the Olympic committee defended its decision to employ what some have described as `heavy-handed´ security. In London alone, critics to China’s treatment of Tibet, and its orange clad monks, found themselves being brutally arrested and thrown into the Tower of London for as much as 20 minutes. Two protestors were reported to be hurt, one following an unpleasant incident with his anus and a policeman’s truncheon. The other was apparently drunk and accidentally dropped his pint on his foot, causing minor bruising to his metatarsal. He was expected to make a full recovery in time for last orders.

Chief of security, Harry Dunne-Hurdles, in an exclusive interview with Royturds News Agency, felt the media had overreacted to the incidents surrounding the Olympic torch.

“We have known for years, how keen athletes, politicians, and celebrities have been in their attempts to run just a few metres with this iconic symbol.

It only happens once every 4 years, so demand for the few slots that are available causes a few problems. We receive thousands of requests offering to handle this symbol of peace, unity and equality. Not everyone can participate; otherwise the event would become farcical. We wouldn’t have wanted

that to happen, now would we?

So we placed a ring of steel around it in order for things to run smoothly. In Paris, for example, we had an exclusion zone of 3 kilometres. This was heavily guarded by an outer ring of firemen and soldiers, an inner ring of riot police and traffic wardens, and finally police on rollerblades. They looked particularly tough; though we had to ensure that there were no steps en-route.

The actual torch itself was guarded by sinister looking Chinese people, who, as we all know, are quite good at martial arts, as well as also being able offer crispy duck at very competitive prices.”

“Unfortunately, as we saw in London, things became a bit heated; though you, the media, grabbed the wrong end of the stick, and made it into a political event. Did you know, for example, that one of your socalled protesters was in fact Dwain Chambers, insisting he had a right to participate? That’s why he plays rugby now. It was an attempt to beef himself up and make himself look hard. Our highly trained offices saw through this charade and, seeing him approach the torch, taunted him about his drugs related past. He was last seen running away, quite fast I must add, blubbing about life 22 not being fair. We also managed to intervene when Pete Doherty was

seen approaching. We offered him some drugs and 20 quid for some booze if he left us alone. He was last seen staggering into an off-licence in Soho. Heather Mills also tried getting her hands on the torch.

A well timed rugby tackle putpaid to her. Though the officer had a good grip on her ankle, she managed to shrug free and was later spotted hopping down Regent Street shouting `the Beatles were shit´, or something similar. We also had incidents involving Ant and Dec teaming up with Ronnie Wood and Amy Winehouse in a pincer movement, and a rather aggressive Bruce Forsythe with a cuddly toy. So, as you can see, not everyone was concerned about Tibet.”

“All in all, I thought everything went smoothly. Can I go now?

By the way, you wouldn’t by any chance happen to have a light, would you?”

May 2008: Royturds News Agency

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Welshman and a Scotsman were captured while fighting in Iraq. Their captors told them that before they were shot they would be allowed one final wish each.

The Scotsman said, “I’d like to hear ‘Flower of Scotland’ just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played on bagpipes in the style of the Royal Scots Dragoon Guards.”

The Irishman says, “I’d like to hear ‘Danny Boy’ just one more time to remind me of the Emerald Isle, sung in the style of Daniel O’Donnell, with the Riverdance troupe skipping gaily to the tune.”

The Welshman says, “I’d like to hear ‘Men of Harlech’ just one more time to remind me of the Land of my Fathers, sung in the style of the Aberavon Male Voice Choir.”

The Englishman says, “I’d like to be shot first.”

The comic piano player Victor Borge ventured far away from his field of expertise when he bought a chicken ranch. When a friend asked him if he knew anything about statue of it made. He said, “Do breeding chickens Borge said, you want it 18-caret?” She “No, but the chickens do.” replied, “Don’t be s’daft, lad. I West Yorkshire Police want it eetin bone!” are questioning Shannon MatCan’t believe how far thew’s mother. They are not fetched those bloody Harry interested in Shannon’s disapPotter books are. It’s not all pearance; they just want to the magic and witchcraft that I know how she got five blokes don’t believe; it’s just that I’ve to shag her. never known a ginger kid to 23 Did you hear what haphave two mates! pened when Yorkshire Lass’s A prosecutor is questioning dog died? She took a photo of a man on trial for murder. He it to a jeweller to have a golden

says, “Did you kill the victim?”

The defendant says, “No, I did not.”

The lawyer closes in on the suspect and asks, “Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?”

“Yes I do,” the man replied, “and they’re a hell of a lot better than the penalty for murder!”

Don't say you're English Goodbye to my England , So long my old friend Your days are numbered, being brought to an end To be Scottish, Irish or Welsh that's fine But don't say you're English, that's way out of line.

The French and the Germans may call themselves such So may Norwegians, the Swedes and the Dutch You can say you are Russian or maybe a Dane But don't say you're English, ever again.

At Broadcasting House the word is taboo In Brussels it’s scrapped, in Parliament too Even schools are affected; staff do as they're told They must not teach children about England of old.

Writers like Shakespeare, Milton and Shaw The pupils do not learn about them anymore How about Agincourt, Hastings , Arnhem or Mons When England lost hosts of her very brave sons.

We are not Europeans, how can we be?

Europe is miles away over the sea We're the English from England , let's all be proud Stand up and be countedShout it out loud.

Let's tell our Government and Brussels too We're proud of our heritage and the Red, White and Blue Fly the flag of Saint George or the Union Jack Let the world know - we want our England back !!!!

God said, 'Adam, I Want you to do Something for Me.' Adam said, 'Gladly, Lord, what do You Want me to do?'

God said, 'Go down Into that valley.' Adam said, 'What's a Valley?' God explained it to Him. Then God said, 'Cross the river. 'Adam said, 'What's a River?' God explained that To him, and then said, 'Go over to the hill....' Adam said, 'What is a Hill?' So, God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam, 'On The other side of the Hill you will find a Cave.' Adam said, 'What's a Cave?' After God explained, He said, 'In the cave You will find a woman.' Adam said, 'What 's a Woman?' So God explained That to him, too.

Then, God said, 'I Want you to Reproduce.' Adam said, 'How do I do that?' God first said (under His breath), 'Geez.....'

And then, just like Everything else, God Explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down Into the valley, Across the river, and Over the hill, into the Cave, and finds the Woman. Then, in about five Minutes, he was back. God, His patience Wearing thin, said Angrily, 'What is itNow?' And Adam said....

'What's a headache?'

I am usually cold and chilly; and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty.'

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: 'Everything appears to be fine.

Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?'. The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said to her: 'Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time; and then hot and sweaty after the second time.

Do you know why?'.

'Oh, that crazy old fool!' she replied. 'That's because the first time is usually in January, and the second time is in August'.

Involuntary Muscular Contractions :A Professor was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.

Realising that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your arse hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

After his exam, the doctor She replied, 'Probably fishing & drinking beer with his mates.' said to the elderly man: 'You The professor laughed so much appear to be in good health.

Do you have any medical con- he could not continue with the cerns you would like to ask me lecture.

24 about?'.

'In fact, I do.' said the old man.

'After I have sex,

25

Japanese Fart A young Japanese girl had been taught all her life that when she married she was to please her husband and never upset him.

So the first morning of her honeymoon the young Japanese bride crawled out of bed after making love, stooped down to pick up her husband's clothes and accidentally let out a big fart.

She looked up and said: Awe, so sowwy...excuse prease, front hole so happy back hole laugh out loud.

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.' The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry. The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass. At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place.'

He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!'

Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at ConnorPass.

He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other. 'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free. He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.

Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.

Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down26 until he hits a rock and breaks his spine. Once

more Paddy shakes his head.

'Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting...

And now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!'

The Smuggler’s Guide to Essex Essex – A county rich in culture, history and jellied ell stalls. A county nestled between the quaint mystic towns of Suffolk to the north and the pompous pageantry of Sussex to the south. Sprawling eastwards from the choking metropolis of London, it is a county that has learnt over the years not to take itself too seriously, because nobody else ever will.

Let us journey back. Far, far back to the Dawn of Time (not to be confused with Dawn of Chigwell, a fat bird who works on the checkout at Asda and goes like the proverbial clappers, allegedly) and trace the origins of this county, which inspired Dr Johnson’s immortal phrase, “If a man is tired of Essex, he should pull up on the hard shoulder and have a quick kip.”

For thousands of years the people of Essex lived in peace and harmony. This peace was shattered by the invasion of the Vikings, who came ashore at Clacton, washed the dog shit off their sandals, bought some ice cream at the pier, and then set about pillaging the countryside and ravaging the women. This had a devastating effect on the community, as the women had never before been subject to such suave, cultured behaviour.

Life in Essex progressed at a leisurely pace, the abacus was invented, clay tablets were used to chisel out early forms of writing (this was done at the same time as the rest of the country was inventing word processors and them really good sandwich-cum-waffle makers – only £25 from the new Argos catalogue!). Early forms of painting were created, but were quickly covered with layers of Artex.

The age of reason soon arrived in

Essex, with their first university founded at Burnham-On-Crouch.

This auspicious seat of learning was authorised by the king to offer degree level courses in car maintenance, shell suit design and joinyuppy writing. Michelangelo was commissioned to paint the ceiling of Hornchurch Cathedral but in the words of the then Bishop of Essex, “The muppet just done a load of naked old boilers wiv’ wings, so we covered it wiv’ Dulux apple-white soft sheen. It came out right pukka!”

The most famous local artist was of course John Constable, a parttime policeman, who painted The Haywain, a study of his mate Wayne, who had just driven his Escart XR3i into a pond, after having downed twelve pints of lager.

The industrial revolution saw the building of the Ford Motor plant in Dagenham. Skilled workers were brought in from London while Essex men made the furry dice, spoilers and go-faster stripes.

Essex girls were employed to test the springs in the back seats. The classic Model T Ford was inspired by a secretary at the plant called Tina, who wanted to be a model.

Like the car, she was cheap, not much to look at and simple, but she could fit four men in and was a reliable goer.

During the war Essex girls joined the Land Army, where they were easily recognised tottering about the countryside in white stiletto wellies and lycra dresses. Their mission was to capture downed German pilots, who they turned over to the authorities eventually.

In the 60s women throughout the nation cast aside their bras and developed a taste for mini-skirts and thigh-high boots. Essex women breathed27 a sigh of relief – at last they were fashionable. In the 70s women throughout the nation cast aside their mini-skirts and thigh-high boots and devel-

oped a taste for long skirts and baggy T-shirts. Essex women decided to wait and see what would happen next.

In the 80s women throughout the nation cast aside their long skirts and baggy T-shirts and developed a taste for designer suits and men’s ties. Essex women had another Rum and black. In the 90s women throughout the nation cast aside their designer suits and men’s ties and developed a taste for miniskirts and thigh-high boots. Essex women smiled knowingly…

So, there you have Essex, a county where women are not afraid to be Essex Girls and men are not afraid to have stupid pudding-bowl haircut. A county with a sense of history, but most of all a sense of humour. As the great William Wordsworth wrote, having moved from his beloved Lake District to Purfleet in his later years, “I wondered lonely as a cloud, but then I met Shaz and Trace and Gazza and Bazza and we all went to the Daffodil and Trout and got rat-arsed!”

Why does an Essex girl take the pill?

So she knows what day of the week it is.

What’s the first thing an Essex girl does after waking up? Introduce herself.

What’s the difference between an Essex girl and the Grand Old Duke of York?

The Grand Old Duke of York only had 10,000 men.

What’s the difference between an Essex girl and Gary Lineker?Gary Lineker never scored more than four times in 90 minutes.

How do you get an Essex girl to have sex with you with the light on?

Leave the car door open.

If you would like a guide to your county contact us. Ed.

A foursome of guys is wait-

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to start a conversation.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

'Let me buy your dinner to An Israeli doctor said, make it up to you,' she says.

'Medicine in my country is so They enjoy a wonderful dinner advanced, we can take a kidney together, and afterwards they out of one person, put it in go to the theatre followed by another, and have him looking drinks They talk, they laugh, for work in six weeks.' she shares her deepest dreams A German doctor said, 'That's and he shares his. She listens. nothing! In Germany, we can After paying for everything, she take a lung out of one person, asks him if he would like to put it in another, and have him come to her place for a nightlooking for work in four cap .... and stay for breakfast. weeks.'

They have a wonderful, wonA Russian doctor said, 'In my derful time. country medicine is so adThe next morning, she cooks a vanced, we can take half a gourmet meal with all the trimheart from one person, put it mings. in another, and have them both The guy is amazed!! Everything looking for work in two has been SO incredible!!!! weeks.'

'You know,' he said, 'you are The English doctor, not to be the perfect woman. Are you outdone, said 'Hah!. We can this nice to every guy you take an Arsehole out of Scotmeet?' land, put him in 10 Downing 'No,' she replies.........'

28 Street and have half the coun- 'You just happened to catch my try looking for work within eye.' twenty-four hours. ing at the men's tee while another foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tees.

The ladies are taking their time.

When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it ten feet. She goes over and whiffs it completely.

Then she hacks it another ten feet, and finally hacks it another five feet.

She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess all those fucking lessons I took over the winter didn't help." One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you have it, you should have taken golf lessons instead!"

Old man back from Thailand with his new Thai bride Lying in bed, the Thai bride is playing with his manhood, slowly up and down, and the old boy says "You must love that, you haven't left it alone, since we got back."

The bride replied, "Not really, I just miss mine."

Clubbers in East Yorkshire have recently taken to injecting ecstasy directly into their mouths using dental syringes.

This practice is extremely dangerous and should be avoided at all costs.

If you are approached by a Northerner offering you 'E by gum', immediately report them to the police.

Did you hear about the terrorist tradgedy?

They sent an Arab terrorist to Blow up a car and he burned his mouth on the tailpipe.

A man goes into a pub and sees an attractive young lady sitting at the bar on her own.

He goes over and asks her if she would like a drink. She says yes, then shouts, "In a bloody motel? How vulgar!" Confused but undaunted the young man offers to buy her another drink to try and sort out what's going on. Again she accepts the drink, and again she shouts at the man, "You might take your other tramps to a motel, but don't think that'll work with me, you filthy beast!"

This time the man moves away, considerably embarrassed by the moody stares he's getting from other customers in the pub. Shortly afterwards the woman walks across the pub and sits down at the mans table. "I'm sorry about earlier

was dressed in a sheer dressing gown that showed her perfect figure. And, she asked if I would like to come in." "And, what did you do, my son?" asked the priest. "Father, I did not go in the house but I lusted. Oh, how I lusted," This fellow comes to con- replied the man. "Your sin has fession. "Father, he said, forgive been forgiven," replied the me for I have sinned." The priest. "You will get your repriest asked, "What did you do, ward in heaven, my son." "A my son?" "I lusted," The fellow reward, father? What do you replied. "Tell me about it," the think my reward might be?" the priest said. The fellow then fellow asked. The priest rerelated his story. "Father, I am plied, "I think a bale of hay a deliveryman for UPS. Yester- would be appropriate, you day I was making a delivery in jackass." the affluent section of the city.

What do you give a When I rang the bell, the door paedophile for Christmas? opened and there stood the A new parish. most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She had long blonde hair and eyes like emeralds. She

on," she explains. "I'm a psychology student and I just wanted to see your reaction." "â‚Ź50.00!" the man bellowed, "I'm not paying you â‚Ź50.00 for a blow job!"

29

A girl goes to the gynaecologist for the first time. She's up in the stirrups, and the doctor notices she's trembling.

He says: "You're nervous, aren't you?"

"Yes, it's my first visit to a gynaecologist."

"Would you like me to numb you down there?"

"Oh, yes please."

He sticks his face between her legs and goes: "Num, num, num . . .."

A man will spend twenty-minutes looking for a golfball.

What do you call a female dinosaur?

Clitorus.

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

Lickalotapus.

So one sperm says

to the other, "how far is it til the ovaries?"

The other says, "relax, A teacher asks the children we just passed her to discuss what their fathers do tonsils." for a living.

What happens when a Little Mary says: "My Dad is a lawyer takes Viagra? lawyer. He puts the bad guys in He gets taller. jail."

A sandwich runs into a bar.

Little Jack says: "My Dad is a "Hey!" the bartender yells, doctor. He makes all the sick "We don't serve food here!" peoplebetter."

All the kids in the class had Your wife is banging and their turn except Little Johnny. yelling to be let in at the front Teacher says: "Johnny, what door. does your Dad do ?"

Your dog is barking and Johnny says: "My Dad is dead." scratching at the back door to "I'm sorry to hear that, but be let in. Who do you let in what did he do before he first? died ?"

The dog because if you let him "He turned blue and shit on the in you know that he will shut carpet." the hell up.

A man walks into a pub

with a pig under his arm, asks the barman for Two pints. The barman say's "sorry mate, but we don't serve pigs in here". The pig turn to his mate and said "I told you so, Now go and fuck off and let me drink in peace".

A man walks into

a bar. Behind the bar is a sign which reads, "Cheese Sandwiches â‚Ź2.00, Hand Jobs â‚Ź10.00".

The man approaches the bartender, which happens to be a beauThree men walk into a bar, tiful blonde.

30 He clears his throat the fourth man ducks. and asks, "Are you the What is the difference bewoman who gives the tween a golfball,and a G-spot? hand jobs?".

She leans forward and says in a husky voice, "Why, yes I am."

The man then replies, "Well then, wash your fuckin' hands and fix me a cheese sandwich."

A guy comes home early from work one day to find his wife in bed with another man.

The husband exclaims, "hey, what are you two doing?

The wife turns to her startled lover and says, "See I told you he was stupid".

If a man says something and there's no women around to hear him, is he still wrong ?

Looking after the wife!

A couple of weeks ago, I was sitting on the patio, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.

Cheryl from next door saw us and was so upset that she came over and yelled at me....'You lazy man! Sitting there drinking beer while your poor wife pushes that ancient lawn mower around! Get up off your backside and give her a break!'

I thought 'Flippin Heck ...

Women!' Took another swig from my beer, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my

sunglasses, stared directly at

31

this nosey cow and told her in no uncertain terms 'Sod off and mind your own business. My wife has green fingers, and she really enjoys gardening'.

After a few days I felt really bad , so I went out and bought her a ride-on mower to show my sensitive side. I am so proud of the deal I got. I am also proud that my wife can now sit down while mowing the lawn. Yes guys , after all we should take good care of our wives ... that way maybe they will take good care of us.

3 women: one engaged, one a mistress, and one married, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night all three will wear a leather bodice S & M style, stiletto's and a mask over their eyes. After a few days they meet again.....

The engaged girlfriend: 'the other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me with the leather bodice, 12 cms stilettos and mask. He saw me he said: 'you are the woman of my life, I love you'...then we made love all night long.

The mistress: 'Ah! me too, the other night I met my lover in the office and I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat, when I opened the raincoat... he did not say anything.... .but we had wild sex all night.

The married one: 'the other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready: leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over me eyes....me usband comes back from work, opens te door and says: 'Alright Batman, what's for dinner...?

on their beds.

"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."

"Fook off you lia "I'll prove it," Murphy says. So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy�

"Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"

why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to Do?" The wife replied, " I did.

They're in your fishing box ..."

Man comes home from

work, says to his wife, "Quick, get me a beer before it starts".

He drinks the beer and says, Never Lie to a Woman. "Quick, get me another beer A man called home to his wife before it starts". and said, " Honey I have been Again she gets him a beer and asked to go fishing up in Canhe drinks it, "another" he says ada with my boss & several of before it starts. his Friends .. We'll be gone for By this time her patience was a week. This is a good oppor- running low and says, tunity for me to get that Pro"Listen here, you fat lazy arsemotion I've been wanting, so hole, you come in here, sit could you please pack enough down, start barking your orClothes for a week and set out ders..... my rod and fishing box, we're Fuck me he says, "its started".

Leaving From the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up" " Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas. " The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.

The following Weekend he came home a little tired Murphy calls to see his but otherwise mate Paddy who has a broken looking good. The leg. wife welcomed Paddy says, "Me feet are freezhim home and ing mate, could you nip upstairs asked if he caught an get me slippers? many fish? He said, "No bother," he says, and he "Yes! Lots of 32 runs upstairs and there are Salmon, some Paddy's two stunning 19 Bluegill, and a few year old twin daughters sitting Swordfish. But

33

Waxed Lyrical.

My night began as any other normal weekday night. Come home fix dinner, played with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours. Maybe I should pull the wax out of the medicine cabinet.

So I headed to the site of my demise; the bathroom. It was one of those cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand and then they get warm and you peel them apart press it to your leg (or wherever else) and hair comes right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean I'm no, girly, girl but I am mechanically inclined enough I can figure it out.

YA THINK!!!

So I pull one of the thin strips out.

Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees.

Cold wax my ass. (Oh how this phrase haunts me!) I lay the strip across my thighhold the skin around it tight and pull. OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me, I am Sheena, fighter of all wayward body hair and smooth skin extraordinaire. With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.

Using the same procedure I apply the wax strip across the right side of bikini line, covering the right half of my vagina and stretching down to the inside of my Ass cheek (Yes, it was a long strip). I inhale deeply and brace myself. RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half of the strip. SHIT!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP. Everything is swirly

and spotted. Do I hear crashing drums???

OK, back to normal. I want to see my trophy - my wax covered pelt that has caused me so much pain. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip but there is no hair on it. Where is the wax???

Slowly I eased my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair.. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax.

SHIT! I peel my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body that is now covered in cold wax and matted hair and then make the next big mistake ... remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet. I know I need to move to do something. So I put my foot down and then I hear the slamming of the cell door. Vagina? Sealed shut! Ass??

Sealed shut! I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "I hope I don't get the urge to shit, my head may pop off." Hot water!!

Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand, the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off right???

WRONG!!!

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than what is used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment I sit. Now the only thing worse that having your business glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub, in scalding hot water. Which by the way doesn't melt the cold wax. So now I'm stuck to the bottom 34 of the tub!! I call my friend thinking surely she's waxed before and has some secret of how to

get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter, "So, my ass and cooter are stuck to the bottom of the tub!" She doesn't have a secret trick but does try to hide the laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where is the wax on the ass "Are we talking cheeks or hole or what?" She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH Right!! I could be the joke of some one else's night.

While we go through various solutions. I result in scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry shaving the sticky wax off!! I then find the most beautiful saving grace, that is the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. I rub some and scream "IT works! It works! I get a hearty congratulations from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my dismay...The hair is still there...all of it. So, I shaved the shit off. Hell, I'm numb at this point. Then I put the wax back in the medicine cabinet, I may have a moustache that needs work someday.

New Words for 2008 'black box'.Usually found SALAD DODGER. An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

SWAMP-DONKEY A deeply unattractive person.

TESTICULATING. Waving your arms around and talking b*llocks.

BLAMESTORMING. Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER. A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and Then leaves.

ASSMOSIS. The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY. The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die..

SITCOMs. Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a 'home business'.

SINBAD. Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.

AEROPLANE BLONDE. One who has bleached/ dyed her hair but still has a

on Poles, Russians and most other Eastern European women.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE. The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

GOING FOR A McSHIT. Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is known as a McShit with Lies.

404.

Someone who's clueless.

From the World Wide Web error message '404 Not Found' meaning that the requested document could not be located.

AUSSIE KISS. Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

GREYHOUND. A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

JOHNNY-NO-STARS. A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.

35

36

Not for the New World Man. How do you turn a fox into an elephant?

Marry It! What is the difference between a battery and a woman?

A battery has a positive side.

What are the three fastest means of communication?

1) Internet 2) Telephone 3) Telawoman How are fat girls and mopeds alike?

They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?

Because they don't have balls to scratch.

Why did God create woman ?

To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.

Why do women fake orgasms ?

Because they think men care.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?

Nothing, she's been told twice already.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, How do you p*ss off a what have you done female archaeologist?? wrong?

Give her a used tamMade her chain too pon and ask her what long period it comes from.

How many men does How is a woman like a it take to open a beer? condom?

None. It should be Both of them spend opened when she more time in your wal- brings it. let than on your dick.

Why is a Laundromat What should you give a really bad place to a woman who has eve- pick up a woman? rything?

Because a woman who A man to show her can't even afford a how to work it. washing machine will Why is the space be- probably never be able tween a woman's to support you. breasts and her hips How do you fix a called a waist? woman's watch?

Because you could eas- You don't. There is a 37 ily fit another pair of clock on the oven. tits in there.

'OLD' IS WHEN . Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'

'OLD ' IS WHEN. Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot 'OLD' IS WHEN. A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door 'OLD' IS WHEN. Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN. You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police 'OLD' IS WHEN. 'Getting a

little action' means you don't need to take any fiber today 'OLD' IS WHEN. 'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.

'OLD' IS WHEN. An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

'OLD' IS WHEN. You are not sure these are jokes?

his hand. ''That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it. ''Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself; didn't you have something in your hand?' 'That I did,' said Paddy. 'Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight.'

Into a Belfast pub comes

Last week, I stated this

Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train.

His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp. 'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender‌ 'Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight,' says Paddy. That little s**t, O'Conner,' says Sean, 'He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in

woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen.

I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.-- Mark Twain

38

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, "Barbara, you should have remained a virgin" -Barbara Bush

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a getwell gift and it was one of my favourite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up. Then she says, (as only a mother would know... Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet?

iest! He took her to Alton Towers and put her on every ride in the park: * The Death Slide * The Wall of Fear * The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away they went to a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate milkshake.

Then it was off to the ovies: the latest Kiddies three hour epic cartoon, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, her favourite lolly and M&Ms! What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto the bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked 'Well dear, what was it like being ten again?' Her eyes slowly opened and her expression changed A man asked his to one of total realisawife what she'd like for tion...'I meant my dress her birthday. 'I'd love to size, you idiot!!!' be ten again' she reThe moral of this plied. On the morning story: Even when a man 39 of her birthday, he is listening, he's still arose early and made gonna get it wrong..... her a bowl of Coco Pops and jammy toast-

Some of you may remember.

This was originally shown on BBC TV, back in the seventies.

Ronnie Barker could say all of this without a snigger. (Though goodness knows how many takes) The irony is that BBC received not one complaint. Must have been the speed of the delivery was too much for the whinging nerds. Try and get through without converting the spoonerisms as you read.

This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion.

Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot.

At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.

The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.

Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian.

She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks.

The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.

At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.

The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in.

Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig Bart.

"Who's fust jarted??" asked the prandsome hince. "Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.

Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.

Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny.

Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.

She figured she would break him out of this 40 crazy habit So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming,

romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator!

Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic.

'You impotent pig ,' She screamed at him, 'How could you be lying to me all of these years?

You better explain yourself!'

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: 'I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids.'

Should we accept the Euro?

A cross-section survey of 1000 people in the UK , made up of Afghans, Pakistanis, Indians, Poles, Iraqis, Somalis, Africans, Albanians,Bosnians, Kurds, Nigerians, Iranians and Turks, were asked if they thought Britain should change its currency to Euro.

99% said no, they were quite happy with the Giro.

Research has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science.

The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years; It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has

half as many peons but twice as He does this so he can make a profit of £20. many morons.

What do you think of this way Stop press: of making a living?

Robert Mugabe has been deFor class participation after ported back to the uk after it answering the question: How was discovered that he had did the birds and squirrels feel been living in zimbabwe for 50 as the logger cut down their years under an assumed name homes? (There are no wrong and fake identity. It appears answers. ) that he is a Barnsley man and changed his name by spelling it 6. Teaching Maths 2018 backwards to fool immigration. ‫ﻣﻦ ﺷﺎﺣﻨﺔ ﺣﻤﻮﻟﻪ ﺗﺒﻴﻊ اﻟﻤﺴﺠﻞ أ‬ his real Yorkshire name ‫ اﺟﻞ ﻣﻦ اﻟﺨﺸﺐ‬100 ‫دوﻻر‬. ‫ﺻﺎﺣﺐ‬ is...............e b a g u m ‫اﻟﺜﻤﻦ ﻣﻦ اﻻﻧﺘﺎج ﺗﻜﻠﻔﺔ‬. ‫اﻟﺮﺑﺢ هﻮ ﻣﺎ‬

Maths As A Subject.

1. Teaching Maths In 1970 A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.

His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.

What is his profit?

‫ﻟﻪ؟‬ A guy falls asleep on his

boat for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn.

He goes to the hospital, and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second degree burns. With his skin starting to 2. Teaching Maths In 1980 blister , and seeing the severe A logger sells a truckload of pain he is in, the doctor pretimber for £100.

His cost of production is 4/5 of scribes an IV with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a the price, or £80.

Viagra pill every four hours.

What is his profit?

The nurse, who is rather as3. Teaching Maths In 1990 tounded, asks, 'What good will A logger sells a truckload of Viagra do him, Doctor?' timber for £100.

The Doctor replies, 'It'll keep His cost of production is £80. the sheets off his legs.'

Did he make a profit?

The Archbishop of Canter4. Teaching Maths In 2000 bury has almost got his way...

A logger sells a truckload of British weather has been detimber for £100. clared Muslim .....................

His cost of production is £80 It's partly Sunni but mostly and his profit is £20.

Shi'ite Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Maths In 2008 A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and 41 cares nothing inconsiderate and for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.

The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.

It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.

The boss approached her and said: 'Debra, I've never done this before but I have to lay you or Jack off.' 'Could you jack off?' she says. 'I feel like shit.'

The sermon I think this Mom will never forget...this particular Sunday sermon: 'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust...' He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?'

Three Geordie lads were sitting in the pub bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

The first bloke had married

a girl from Gosforth and had told her that she was going to do dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second gadgee had married a woman from Dunston. He had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better.

By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a canny lass from The Felling. He told her that her duties were to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, clothes washed and ironed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.

He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he still didn't see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a bite to eat and load the dishwasher.

42

There was a 10 year old boy walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He walked up to a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money and I'm not leaving until I do."

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in.

Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?" Of course, the Madam said no, but the boy replied, "I heard all the men talking about having to get

shots after making it with Amber. So THAT'S the girl I want!"

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, " Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others? " He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with my baby-

43

sitter. After they leave, my babysitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of little boys. She will get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the babysitter home. On the way, he'll jump her bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the babysitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease...and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!"

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love with a young woman. and was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried.

'How dare you do this to me - a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!'

And Paddy (for it was he) replied 'Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead', she sobbed, 'but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And Paddy began 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty.

She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days!

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight.

The poor thing de-

voured them in moments. Since she needed a good cleanup I suggested a shower and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present,= which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same...'

Here Paddy took a quick breath and continued, 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please... do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'

44

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to blast them out!

Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the

turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards, neck, gizzard, liver, all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband wake with his usual trumpeting, which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing,

tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you". "What do mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today, it finally happened. But, by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in!!!"

ia d n Ga

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Twin sisters in Sunnyside Nursing Home were turning 100 years old. The local newspaper sends a photographer to take pictures...

One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well. Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.

The deaf sister said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other.

"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.

Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE." So they wiggled up close to each other.

"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer.

Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!" With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD BOTH OF US.

Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time.

After inquiring about each other's health one asked how the other's husband was doing.

Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!

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Oh dear! I'm very sorry, replied her friend.

What did you do?

I opened a can of peas instead.

We put a hot tub in our back yard last summer and from that point on, the neighbours think they have an open invitation to use it whenever they please. The other night we were trying to enjoy our dinner and all the neighbours were in the hot tub making noise, hollering at us to come and join them.

Like they were inviting us to join them in our own hot tub!

Last night I wanted to go to bed early, and they had our back yard light on and were holding a party.

'Come on in!' they hollered at me. I just wanted to get some shut eye.

I was going to say something to them but my husband said, 'No.' He didn't want to offend them.

He says we just have to learn to tolerate their rude behaviour!

I don't think so.....

What do you think???

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Where do redhead babies come from?

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician.

'Doctor,' the man said, 'I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair.

She can't possibly be mine.'

'Nonsense,' the doctor said. 'Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.'

'It isn't possible,' the man insisted. 'This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.' 'Well,' said the doctor, 'let me ask you this.

How often do you have sex?' The man seemed a bit ashamed. 'I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months.'

'Well, there you have it!'

The doctor said confidently. 'It's rust.'

Women Who Know Their Place Barbara Walters of Television's 20/20 did a story on gender roles in Kabul , Afghanistan several years before the Afghan conflict.

She noted that women customarily walked 5 paces behind their husbands. She recently returned to Kabul and observed48that women still walk behind their husbands. >From Ms. Walter's vantage point, despite the

overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk even further back behind their husbands and are happy to maintain the old custom. Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you now seem happy with the old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'

The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation, said, 'Land Mines.'

Moral of the story: Behind every man is a smart woman.

President Bush decides to leave the White House and go out to sit in a local bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, 'Isn't that Bush sitting at the end of the bar?' ! The bartender says, 'Yep, that's him.' So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, this is a real honor! What are you doing in here?' Bush says, ' I'm planning WW III.' The guy says, 'Really?

What's going to happen?'

Bush says, 'Well, I'm going to kill 40 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits. The guy exclaimed, 'A blonde with big tits?

Why kill a blonde with big tits?'

Bush turns to the bartender and says, 'See, I told you, no one gives a shit about the 40 million Muslims'.

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears.

"What's wrong?" asked the mother. "I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out," replied the daughter.

The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago About a week later the second daughter walked into the room

in tears. "Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet ! came out." Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay" said the Mom, "I know what happened You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out."

"No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."

From a Stalker.

Smugglers is what smugglers are, Smuggler John he likes a jar.

In the town he can be found Sniffing round just like a hound If you spot him in your local, keep your distance don't be

49

vocal.

Secrets, gossip tell you might, Next month you'll see in black and white.

Next time you're out about in town, Keep a eye out for smuggler hound, Smugglers is what smugglers are, Smuggler john he likes a jar.

Many thanks for your little rhyme, It helped us pass away some time, We sat and thought for quite a while, On how to reply in a similar style, Then it came in a flash of light, We never could compose such shite! ( Ed + Paul)

The Happy Experiences of a Christian Driver!

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day, because I had just come from a thrilling choir practice followed by a powerful prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus; because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that LOTS of people love Jesus.

Why, while I was sitting there, the nice man behind started honking like crazy, and he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'for the love of God, GO! GO!' What an exuberant cheerleader he was for the Lord. Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love.

There must have been a man from Florida back there, because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach. I saw another man waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out

the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing; why even he was enjoying this religious experience. A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So I waved to all my sisters and brothers, smiled at them all, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again, and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window, and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away..

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid!

Just terrible, doctor! 'Really?

What happened?' asked the doctor. 'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me An Irish woman of then and there passionately advanced age visited her physi- on the tabletop! It was a nightcian to ask his advice in reviving mare, I tell you, an absolute her husband's libido. 'What nightmare!' 'Why so terrible?' about trying Viagra?' asked the asked the doctor, 'Do you doctor. 'Not a chance', she mean the sex your husband said. 'He won't even take an provided wasn't good?' 'Feckin aspirin.' 'Not a problem,' rejaysus, 'twas the best sex I've plied the doctor. 'Give him an had in 25 years! But sure as I'm 'Irish Viagra'. It's amazing when sittin there, I'll never be able to you drop the Viagra tablet into show me face in Tesco's 50 even taste cafe again!'. his coffee. He won't it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.' It wasn't a week

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A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.

Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A reporter has witnessed the whole scene, and addressing the biker, says "Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do inmy whole life".

"Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right". "Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's papers will have this on the first page.

What motorcycle do you ride?"

"A Harley". And with that the journalist says goodbye and leaves. The following morning

the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on first page: "biker gang member assaults African immigrant and steals his lunch."

and four children..." "Bring them along!" the rich man said.

They all climbed into the limo.

Once underway, the poor fellow said, "Sir, you are too kind.

Thank you for taking all of us in." The rich man replied, "No, you don't understand. The grass at my house is over three feet tall!" *News Flash*

A man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw a man eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver A lorry delivering copies of to stop and he got out to in‘Grand Theft Auto IV’ was vestigate. carjacked while passing "Why are you eating grass?" he through Oliva recently. asked the man.

Guardia are looking for a "I don't have any money for gang of youths with baggy food," the poor man replied. trousers, back-to-front base"Oh, please come to my ball caps and well developed house!" "But sir, I have a wife thumbs.

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This is a test for Intelligent People.

Did you say, Open the refrigerator, Put in the elephant, And close the refrigerator?

I have determined that you Wrong Answer. qualify.

Correct Answer: The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell Open the refrigerator, take out you if you are qualified to be a the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. professional. Read onfor each This tested your ability to answer. The questions are NOT that difficult. But don't think through the repercussions of your previous actions. read on UNTIL you have answered the question!

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the ani1. How do you put a giraffe mals attend....except one. into a refrigerator?

Which animal does not attend?

The correct answer is: Correct Answer: The EleOpen the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. phant. The elephant is in the This question tested whether refrigerator. You just put him in there. you tend to do simple things In an overly complicated way. This tested your memory.

Okay, even if you did not an2. How do you put an eleswer the first three questions phant into a refrigerator? correctly, you still have one

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more chance to show your true abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage?

Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across.

Have you not been listening?

All the crocodiles are attending the animal conference.

This tested whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to ‘The Smuggler’, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers.

‘The Smuggler’ says this conclusively disproves the theory that most of our readers have the brains of a four-year-old.

A precious little girl

walks into a pet shop and asks, "Excuthe me. do you have any widdle wabbits?"

The shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level, and says. "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft. fufry bwack wabbit. or one like that widdle bwown wabbit over there".

The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers... "I don't weally link my pyfon gives a pliuk."

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue.

While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said: 'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?' Good question,' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.'

'Oh,' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.

'What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?'

'Ah, yes,' replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits.'

'I see,' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.

'Well, Rabbi,' he went on, 'what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'

'Here, too, we do not waste,' answered the 54 Rabbi. 'What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick .

Sports Report Manchester United manager Alex Ferguson fell over on the ground while celebrating Wayne Rooney's equalizer against Chelsea on Saturday. An image that was beamed all over the world. Ferguson went sprawling after jumping up and screaming "what a good and timely goal dear Wayne, I say, what, what" in his English pubic school accent that he is known the world over for. It was then that he tripped. Causing laughter across the globe.

"Oh dear, I tripped" laughed Ferguson, who remained in a 'tip top' mood until Chelsea scored to make it 2-1, thus leaving the title race 'wide open'.

Ferguson's mood however did not blacken after the goal. "Good Lord - that penalty has blown the title race wide open - good heavens - what an exciting finale to a riveting season - may the best team win!" Said Ferguson. Once again Sir Alex shows us all the way.

A great physical comedic actor and a gracious loser, interested only in the excitement of the fans. Three cheers for Sir Alex!

Thierry Henry, the Barcelona star, has indicated in an interview with the BBC that he is ready for a return to English football, but would only be prepared to sign for either Arsenal or Manchester United or Chelsea or Liverpool or Tottenham or Newcastle or Aston Villa or Everton or several other big clubs.The French player who, according to my wife, is"sophisticated and stunningly good-looking", was talking to the BBC's boggle-eyed Garth Crooks after the 0-0 draw with Manchester United on Tuesday.

Henry, 30, played for Arsenal for eight seasons before leaving the London club in 2007, but says he misses English life and things that cannot be easily got hold of in Spain, like good fish and chips, and incessant rain. The player's agent has been in touch with several clubs, but no deal is yet on the table, apart from "a quite ridiculous offer" from Championship side Hull City.

55 Recently he was asked if he wouldn't like to end his career in France, but shrugged: "I hate France! The Eiffel Tower is an eyesore!"

Who said Scots Romance is dead!

Ginger-haired Paisley troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and shirty These are REAL ADS from the after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail lonely-hearts column. purposes, maybe more Box Grossly overweight Buckie 84/87 turf-cutter, 42 years old and 23 Artistic Edinburgh woman, 53, stone, Gemini, seeks nimble petite, loves rainy walks on the sexpot, preferably South beach, writing poetry, unusual American, for tango sessions, sea-shells and interesting candlelit dinners and humid brown rice dishes, seeks mystic nights of screaming passion.

Must have own car and be will- dreamer for companionship, back rubs and more as we ing to travel. Box 09/08 bounce along like little tumbling Aberdeen man, 50, in desper- clouds on life's beautiful crazy ate need of a ride. Anything journey. Strong stomach essenconsidered. Box06/03 tial Box 12/32 Heavy drinker, 35, Glasgow Chartered accountant, 42, area, seeks gorgeous sex addict seeks female for marriage. Duinterested in pints, fags, Celtic ties will include cooking, light football club and starting scraps cleaning and accompanying me on Sauchiehall Street at three to office social functions. Referin the morning. Box 73/82 . ences required. No timewastBitter, disillusioned Dundonian lately rejected by longtime fiancĂŠe seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches. Box /41

ers. Box 3/45

Bad-tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard living in a damp cottage in the arse end of Orkney seeks attractive 21-year old blonde lady with big chest. Box 40/27

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Devil-worshiper, Stirling area, seeks like-minded lady for wining and dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks and slaughtering dogs in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon.

Box 52/07 Attractive brunette, Maryhill area, winner of Miss Wrangler competition at Frampton's Nightclub, Maryhill, in September 1978, seeks nostalgic man who's not afraid to cry, for long nights spent comfortdrinking and listening to old Abba records. Please, Please!

Box 30/41 Govan man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8pm and 11.30pm

EU Vagina Tax A painless measuring device Following EU plans to tax male members next year, women will not escape as their bits are going to be measured too.

Forms are, as we speak, being prepared in Brussels ready for the Tax year 2008 and girls over 16 years of age, will face a 'Hole Tax'.

With an estimated population of 810 million people with 60% of them female, the EU stand to net some â‚Ź150 billion. EU Citizens will have to undergo intimate anatomical inspections to calculate circumference and depth. It is not clear how this will be carried out, but a banana, a candle, a carrot and a micrometer are firm favourites.

Dr Kaye Y'Jelli, a gynaecologist

from Antwerp has said "The testing will be an important step in discovering the ins and outs of the female anatomy. It will be a painless exercise for some and a thrilling exercise for others. The benefit of having the test is to monitor any abnormalities and detect cancers of the ovaries or

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cervix."

Brenda Dyke of The Venus Triangle, a women's emancipation group from Amsterdam said: "This is disgusting and an invasion of privacy and will cause untold damage especially to the victims of sex-crimes. Futhermore, some might discover the thrill of having an object inserted in their vaginas."

Nuns who are experienced candle handlers - wick in and wick out will not be exempt.

The only exceptions will be virgins but proof must be provided by a competent medical person.

The Swiss Foreign Office in Geneva has been inundated by applications for Swiss Nationality.

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads.

Most of us have, naively, thought this was connected with marriage or religion, but the Indian Embassy in Washington, D.C. has recently revealed the true story‌ When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop or a motel in the United States. If nothing is there he, or she, must take a job in India answering telephones giving technical advice that no one can understand.

Two elderly ladies are

sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One lady turns and asks, 'Do you still get horny?'

The other replies, 'Oh sure I do.' The first old lady asks, 'What do you do about it?'

The second old lady replies, 'I suck a lifesaver.' After a few moments, the first old lady asks, 'Who drives you to the beach?'

strated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece. The third old lady remarked, 'I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about.

A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a Florida Adult community. A man walked over and sits down on the other end of Three old ladies were the bench. After a few mositting side by side in their ments, the woman asks, 'Are retirement home reminiscing. you a stranger here?' He reThe first lady recalled shopping plies, 'I lived here years ago.' at the green grocers and dem- 'So, where were you all these onstrated with her hands, the years?' 'In prison,' he says. length and thickness of a 'Why did they put you in cucumber she could buy for a prison?'He looked at her, and penny. The second old lady very quietly said, 'I killed my nodded, adding that onions wife.' used to bemuch bigger and 'Oh!' said the woman. 'So cheaper also, and demonyou're single...?!'

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The defective parrot A man is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, 'Golly, I wonder what happened to this parrot?'

The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.'

'Holy crap,' the guy replies.

'You actually understood and answered me!'

'I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird ..'

'Oh yeah?' the man asks, 'Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?'

'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers.'

'Wow,' says the guy. 'You really can understand and speak English can't you?'

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion.'

The man looks at the $200.00 price tag. 'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me 'cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!'

The man offers $20 and walks

out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The man is delighted.

One day the man comes home from work and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing. 'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman.'

What are you talking about?' asks the man.

'When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie.'

'WHAT???' the guy says incredulously. 'THEN what happened?'

'Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.

'NO!' he exclaims. 'And she let him?'

'Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over....'

Then the frantic man screams, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED?' 'Damned if I know. I got an erection and fell off my perch!'

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Dear Uncle Gerrard Dear Uncle Gerrard, I have recently moved into a very modern thirdfloor apartment. The other day, my neighbour saw me struggling to carry 5 litre bottles of water up the stairs. She told me not to bother, as I have Osmosis. Can you tell me if this is fatal and, if so, how long do I have to live?

Worried, Denia.

Uncle Gerrard says, You old sod’s are all the same just carry the one litre at a time, or Osmosis your mate a few €’s to carry yours as well. As far as how long you’ve got to live goes, ask your neighbour.

Dear Uncle Gerrard, I haven't managed to catch a single episode of "Lost" so far, though I did catch sight of the gargantuan Jorge Garcia. Now I've nothing personal against Jorge but I have to say, I'd not want this guy sitting on my face in any circumstances, particularly after a work out. Surely being lost on a desert island would be good for Jorge though. A chance to loose a little of the lard stuff. I did wonder how he got himself slotted into a plane seat. They aren't spacious at the best of times. Also you'd have thought the inertia of a crash landing would have propelled him

through the fuselage and skipped him like a pebble to land in Hawaii. But it didn't.

Yours, Really Muffed Up, Javea.

Uncle Gerrard says, I've given a lot of thought to you letter and cant really comment on your ‘Muff Diving’ preferences’ in fact I’m at a total lose.

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Tel: 962 85 58 78 or 646 47 20 39

Email: info@spainscuba.com

HOW DO YOU GET INTO HEAVEN? I was testing the children in my Toxteth Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to Heaven.

I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, all my possessions and gave all the money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?'

'NO!' the children answered.

'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the lawn, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?'

Again, the answer was, 'NO!' By now I was starting to smile.

'Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave toys to all the children and loved everybody, would that get me into Heaven?' I asked them again.

Again, they all answered, 'NO!' I was just bursting with pride for them.

'Well', I continued, 'then how can I get into Heaven?'

A six-year-old Scouse lad shouted out, 'YOU GOTTA BE F**KIN' DEAD'.

A woman has twins and, because she can't take care of them properly, gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Ahmal. The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she goes to see her doctor and says: "I feel so bad!

I want to see my children again!

Look, Juan sent me a picture!"

She hands the picture over to

the doctor. "I want a picture of his brother, too!" she wails.

Her doctor answers: "Come on, they're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

The Smiths were having marital problems so they went to see an eminent sex therapist. After a couple of hours of tests he agreed to help them.

The solution to their problem was for them to buy a pound of grapes and a dozen doughnuts on the way home. When they got back, they were to sit opposite each other, totally naked, and Mr Smith should roll the grapes across the floor and eat the ones that ended up in Mrs Smith, while she should throw the doughnuts at him, and eat the ones that stayed on him. A couple of weeks later, the Joneses came to see the same sex therapist. "Our friends the Smiths recommended you highly," they said.

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After a couple of hours of tests the therapist informed the Joneses that there was nothing he could do for them. "But you helped the Smiths, didn't you?

What about us?" they said.

After hours of begging, the therapist said that there was only one thing they could do and it wasn't guaranteed to work. "On your way back home, stop off and buy a pound of oranges and a packet of Polos..."

Delia's Way Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice-cream drips.

The Real Woman's Way Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for God's sake. You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.

A little old lady walks into a out of the guy's arse. Startled, he dad tells them in hushed tones that

shoves the cork back into the cadaver's butt and runs up the stairs to find the mortician: "Sir, you've got to come down and help me, you won't believe what I saw!" Slightly annoyed by the naivety of his assistant, the mortician follows him downstairs.

"There, look at the cork in the arse of that body, I couldn't imagine what it was doing there so I pulled it out. You do it." The mortician is a bit surprised to see the cork, too, so he walks to the table and removes it as instructed. The "Glory Glory Man United" song starts playing again out of the dead guy's arse.

Sighing, he replaces the cork in its appointed position, turns to his assistant and says: "What's so surprising about that? I've heard A London mortician has a thousands of arseholes new apprentice who is learning sing that song." the art of embalming. One day, after a particularly eventful post- After a long time procrastinating, a man match session at Highbury, the cadaver of a Manchester United finally agrees to see a fan ends up lying on the table of doctor about a lump on the embalming room. The morti- his belly, but only if his cian notes to his apprentice that grown-up son goes with him. On the appointed he is to start the procedure day, they receive the while he finishes filling in a reterrible news that he is port. The apprentice nods, gath- suffering from cancer and ers the tools of his trade and that he doesn't have long begins examining the body. He to live. They are both rolls it over and, to his amazeshocked and the son ment, finds a cork in its rectum. decides to take his 62dad to Mystified, he pulls it out and his local for a pick-me-up. immediately hears the "Glory In the pub they find all his Glory Man United" song come father's friends and his sex shop. She is having trouble walking and half hobbles and half hops over to the counter. She eventually makes it and holds on for dear life. She says the the boy behind the counter, "D-d-d-dooo yo-yo-you s-s-s-sell d-d-d-dd-dildos-s-s-?" The boy says, "Yes, ma'am, we sell dildos. In fact we sell all sorts, in all shapes and sizes." The little old lady says, "D-d-d-d-d-o yo-yo-you hh-h-h-have w-w-w-ww-wun thth-th-th-that is sm-sm-sm-smsmall and b-b-b-b-black, s-s-s-s-six i-i-i-i-i-inches 1-1-1-1-ong b-bb-b-b-but three i-i-i-i-i-i-inches th-th-th-th-thick?" The boy says, "Why, yes we do: that's one of the most popular models." "Ww-w-w-w-w-ell, c-c-c-c-c-c-can you t-t-t-t-t-t-tell m-m-m-me-ee- how-w-w-w-w to t-t-t-t-t-tturn-n-n-n-nn the fu-fu-fu-tucking thing-g-g-g-g-g- off-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-ff?"

he is going to die of AIDS. The son is rather surprised and, when they find a table to sit at for a chat, he asks his dad: "Tell me; why did

you tell your friends you're dying of AIDS? You don't have AIDS." "I know," the father replies, "but I don't want them screwing your mother after I'm gone!"

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