Nov08 issue

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Warning This publication is aimed at open minded non-bigoted adult readers.

The stories contained in it are satire and parody and are ‘almost’ all fictitious.

Visit our web site at www.thesmuggler.es and join in our new forum, pass comment on the magazine, start a new topic, post a joke, or write a witty story.

Let’s start this month’s column with a big ‘Thank You Very Much’ to Javea Port Quick Save shop. They donated all the cash raised from sales of The Smuggler, to the British Legion Poppy Appeal. Well done to them.

This year The Smuggler is sponsoring the Javea District Pool competition, we wish all those taking part good luck and look forward to the presentation night. We are hoping to produce the monthly results in the magazine as the competition progresses.

Have you paid a visit to the web site lately? Have a look at the Forum pages, (www.thesmuggler.es) here you will see a page for each of the areas the magazine covers, the idea is to highlight any controversy happening in your area and give you the chance to, vent your spleen, so to speak.

Aggravated Aunty has gotten of to a flying start, receiving great response from her controversial suggestions for curing all your ails.

The Smuggler has received an offer from one of our local ‘Singer/Musicians’ for a free performance at a charity event in the area that The Smuggler would be prepared to sponsor. Well we can’t beat about the bush folks, let’s get your ideas into the magazine.

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Deadline for adverts for the month of December is 24th November.

Due to the popularity of the Magazine Distribution points will be prioritised to advertisers and contributors.

The Smuggler takes no responsibility whatsoever on behalf of advertisers with regard to any claims made by, or information given in, advertisements contained within this publication. Under no circumstances can any part of this publication including text, illustrations, photographs or complete advertisements, be reproduced in any form without the express permission in writing of The Smuggler editor.

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Letters to The Editor Dear Ed, In Issue 18 you ran the joke, "What do female snails say during sex? Faster! Faster!" In actual fact, though some species of snail have two sexes (mail and female), many snail species, particularly land snails, are hermaphrodites, producing both spermatozoa and ova. Not only that, but snails like to take their time.

Prior to sex they perform a courtship ritual that can extend for up to 12 hours. And finally, snails can't talk. Your joke fails on so many levels.

Spike. Pego.

Dear Spike

at last an educated response to one of our jokes. You have cracked up the team with your explanation of the mating habits of the common and not so common snail. I suppose that if the snails were really fast then the price of Escargot would go up.

(Ed)

Dear Editor, I recently heard President George W. Bush described as an `encumbent´. Eagle-eyed readers will spot a four letter word in the description that better illustrates him (and I don't mean bent).

Zoe Snoop Doggy Dog. (via e-mail) Dear Zoe Snoop Doggy Dog

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May I suggest there are quite a few 3 and 4 letter words within your suggested word that would describe ‘G W Bush’. A prize for the reader sending in the best collection.

(Ed) Dear Ed, Is your name really Ed, or is it short for something?

Ed, Edinburgh.

Dear Ed Yes, it is short for something.

(But not dick `Ed´ as some people tend to think. Ed).

Dear Ed David Blaine is gutted after his record of doing fuck all in a box for forty eight days has been spectacularly broken by Liverpool’s Robbie Keane.

Andy. Calpe.

Dear Ed According to Nietzsche, "That which does not kill me makes Dear Ed "One pound a week will supply me stronger". I'm sure my grandad would not agree. He water for an entire village in Tanzania" says Oxfam. So how suffered a series of massive strokes in the early '90s which come United Utilities charge me twenty pounds a month for have left him an incontinent vegetable for the past 12 years. my three bedroom semi? The A Thorne, Sandbach on Mar. fleecing b@st@rds!!!

Tracey Cusick, Cumbria del Sol Dear A My mate got shot in the arse, Dear Ed the bullet didn’t kill him but the How come rap artist Dr. Dre smell from his colostomy bag can use the 'N' word on his multi-million selling albums and gets stronger as the day goes on. win a MOBO award, yet when Hope your Gran and Dad get better.

I used it at my son's football match I was asked to leave the Dear Ed park? Once again, it's one law for the rich and another for the The government says that there are nearly 150,000 peopoor.

Reg Ashcroft, Bradford del Mar ple with HIV in Spain, a third of who do not even know that they have it. Is it just me, or is Dear Reg it a bit harsh that the governIt just might be that the word ment know and haven't told Necrophilia is a bit of a dead the poor sods? end word to use at your son’s John Campello football match.

Ed

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Dear John

I will speak to my mate in the Adjumente and if possible print all the names in ‘The Smuggler’ that way we will all know.

Ed Dear Ed I would like through the pages of your great Mag, to thank Bobby of Oliva for not coming to Calpe with Jenny. She is a great ‘shag’ mate. Thanks again.

Bono, Calpe Dear Bono I refer to the previous letter, check the names….

Ed Dear Ed Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour.

Chris Scaife, Jesmond

Two women were having

comes early and half the lunch together, discussing the time it’s in merits of cosmetic surgery. the wrong The first women said, “I have to be honest with you, I’m get- box!” ting a boob job.”

The second women said, “Oh, How do that’s nothing. I’m thinking of you know if getting my arsehole bleached.” your husband The first replies, “Funny, I just is dead? The can’t picture your husband as a sex is the blonde.” same but you get the remote.

A campo dwelling couple were walking out of the divorce court, and the wife was Did you hear about crying her eyes out. He exhusband said, “For fuck’s sake the Campo stop crying, you’re still my sis- Dweller who was bought a pair of cuff links for his birthday? ter!”

He went out and got his wrists pierced.

A Costa Blanca prostitute goes to the doctor and tells him, “If I get the tiniest cut A vicar was checking in to it seems to bleed for hours. a hotel. He told the receptionDo you think I’m a haemophil- ist, “I hope the porn channel in iac?” my room is disabled!”

The doctor replies, “Well, it’s She replied, “No, it’s just the possible. How much do you normal stuff, you sick bastard!” lose during your period?”

She thinks for a minute and A bus stops and 2 men get then says, “About €400.” on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

Three women were sit- The lady sitting next to them ting around drinking and talking ignores them at first, but her about their love lives. attention is galvanized when Carly said, “I call my husband she hears one of them say the the dentist, because no one can following: drill like he does.”

'Emma come first.

Lauren giggled and confessed, Den I come.

“I call my husband the miner Den two asses come together. because of his incredible shaft.” I come once-a-more! .

All the while Maxine kept Two asses, they come together quiet, until Carly asked, “What again. do you call your husband?”

I come again and pee twice.

Maxine frowned and said, “The Then I come one lasta time.' postman – because he always 5

The lady can't take this any more, 'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig,' she retorted indignantly.

'In this country. we don't speak aloud in Public places about our sex lives.

'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man.

'Who talkin'abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'.'

Paddys wife got a new tattoo of a sea shell on the top of her inner thigh. Paddy thinks its fucking amazing cos if you put your ear to it you can actually smell the sea.

In recent times its been suggested that an apple a day keeps the doctor away. But since all doctors are now Muslims, I find bacon works better!

Cyd the Cynic/Can I are all genuinely in the Help You With That? book; Like any true professional, I am always willing to challenge my own beliefs, to be self-critical of my own work. So, as a professional cynic, I was intrigue when I happened upon a book called Random Acts Of Kindness; 365 Ways To Make The World A Nicer Place (by Danny Wallace, published by Ebury Press). The general premise of the book seems to be based upon Aesop’s famous quote, “No act of kindness, however small, is ever wasted.”

The book contains 365 suggestions for acts of kindness, which, the author claims, will not only make the recipient feel good, but also benefit the giver.

Of course, my cynical mind immediately thought it would be full of touchy-feely new-age American crap, with about as much true worth as a Lidl sausage. But, at first glance at least, it seems to have some genuinely worthy ideas, for example, Share your lunch with someone (speaking as someone who’s carrying a few more pounds than he should, I could see the benefits of this one!); Drop some flowers off at a nursing home (I can see how that would cheer someone up). I thought both of these ideas were worthy, so I decided to read some more, but as I got further through the book, to me at least, some of the ideas seemed to get a bit ‘bizarre’, here are some examples, and I promise you, they

Give a slice of your pizza to the delivery man (I’m guessing he’d prefer a tip); Phone someone at a call centre and tell them they’re doing a good job (I suspect they’d doubt your sincerity about this, some might even think you’re taking the piss); Wash your neighbours car, whether they like it or not (don’t know about you, but if my neighbour did this, I’d find it kinda creepy); Send a valentine card to the ugliest person you know (that’s just plain nasty, isn’t it?); Find the number of the person who sent you some (unwanted) spam email, and phone them to say thanks (yeah, then never bother opening your inbox again); Run ahead of a street cleaner and pick up some rubbish for them (why wait for there to be a street cleaner? Just pick up some rubbish!); Hail a cab, and when the driver winds his window down, give him a packet of peanuts (then he gives you a kick in the nuts!); Hide a surprise under someone’s pillow (horses’ heads are out, I’m guessing.

This is another one that if it happened to me I think I’d freak out a bit. What the fuck is someone doing creeping around my bedroom?); Donate your knackered old car to charity (yeah, let them 6

pay to have it towed away); Meddle with someone’s screensaver. Put a lovely message on there for them such as ‘I LOVE YOU AND I ALWAYS WILL’ (probably best not to do this one if you have a history of stalking); Compliment a lesbian couple on their haircuts (the words ‘piss’ and ‘take’ immediately spring to my mind, and I suspect they will to them as well); According to musical folklore, ‘You’ve got to pick a pocket or two’.

Well, you don’t (what about if you’re the person who chooses pockets for a trouser manufacturer?); Tell a twin that you never really liked the other one (sounds like a good way to get into a fight to me).

Another (rather worrying) thing I noticed in the book is a warning to children, which, among other things, recommends that they don’t perform random acts of kindness on strangers. I hope there isn’t a sad story behind that warning!

So, after finishing the book my cynical mind was beginning to

have its doubts, but I thought it was still important to do a random act of kindness myself, just to be sure. So, later that day I helped a woman who was over-loaded with shopping bags. I didn’t want to go overthe-top on my first act, so I offered to carry just one of the bags for her. The wife was a bit surprised but did eventually let me. I must admit that we were nearly home by the time I offered, but it really did make me feel good!

Perhaps there was something in this kindness stuff.

Then an idea began to form.

Why don’t I, for just a month, occasionally forget all the cynical, sarcastic, snideness? Why don’t I, just occasionally, perform a random act of kindness, with no ulterior motive, apart

from making someone else feel good? I could report back in The Smuggler next month. It would be a kind of experiment, an investigation into Cynicism versus Kindness.

So, if over the next month, you are approached by a middle-aged weasel-like man, offering unasked for good deeds, don’t be afraid, don’t call the police – just go with the flow. I’ll report back next month, when, who knows, I may no longer be Cyd the Cynic, but Cyd the Nice Guy (think I might have to work on

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the new name a bit). If you want more info about the book go to www.dannywallace.com or www.joinme.info.

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work

cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As men will.)

Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00...on one condition.'

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.

The man replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said: 'Paint my house.'

visitor. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'

Joey Barton, the Newcastle United

player just nicely out of prison, has said in an interview that he wants to re-invent himself, and would like to become a shining example to youngsters.

Controversial midfielder Barton, 26, hopes he can transform his reputation by becoming a model.

Kevin Keegan, the player's former Probation Officer, believes Barton has what it takes to make it in the world of high fashion for kids. He has a Basin Cut - a hairstyle often seen on kids in Liverpool - as well as smashed-in teeth, squinty eyes and is 3 feet 6 inches tall - the During a visit to the men- optimum height for a child tal asylum, a visitor asked the model.

Director 'How do you deterKeegan, who left Newcastle mine whether or not a patient recently after claiming owner should be institutionalized' Mike Ashley "wasn't much to 'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill look at", spoke highly of Barton up a bathtub, then we offer a when he told TheSpoof.com teaspoon, a teacup and a reporter Jesus Budda: bucket to the patient and ask "Ashley's almost as fat as you him or her to empty the bath- are, and very nearly as stupid! tub.'

What most kids really need 'Oh, I understand,' said the these days, is for someone like 8

Joey Barton to set a fine example. If he can mend his ways, mend his teeth, and get a decent haircut, he might just be able to become half-normal, and in his case, that would be phenomenal."

Ex-Manchester City players Ousmane Dabo, who had his face caved-in by Barton, and Jamie Tandy, who had a lighted cigar stubbed-out in his eye by Barton, both agreed that the fiery midfielder would be a 'raging success' on the catwalk, as Barton crouched over them, ready to snap their necks.

What’s a Catholic priest and a pint of Guinness got in common?

Black coat, white collar,...and God help your arse if you get a dodgy one!

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Following the problems in Caddy: 'This isn't the golf the sub-prime lending market in America, Northern Rock, Bradford & Bingley etc in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan.

In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.

Yesterday it was announced that Karaoke Bank was up for sale and is likely go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.

While Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.

Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared staff may get a raw deal.

Went to the cemetery the other day and saw 4 men carrying a coffin.

Four hours later I saw the same four men, carrying the same coffin.

Thought to myself, they've lost the plot!

The 10 Best Caddie Replies Golfer: 'That can't be my ball, it's too old,' Caddy: 'It's been a long time since we teed off, sir Golfer: 'This is the worst course I've ever played on.'

conventional wisdom has been that the best treatment for a black eye is to put a piece of raw meat on it.

Golfer: 'Do you think it's a sin Scientific studies have proven to play on Sunday?' that while the raw meat helps Caddy: 'The way you play, sir, reduce the swelling and aids in it's a sin on any day.' the healing process, using a cold steak actually delays the Golfer: 'How do you like my recovery of broken blood vesgame?' sels that cause the black and Caddy: 'Very good sir, but per- blue marks around the eyes. sonally, I prefer golf.'

These same studies have shown that application of Golfer: 'Please stop checking warm, soft and tender meat is your watch. It's too much of a the most effective in helping distraction.' the eyes to recover from the Caddy: 'It's not a watch - it's a damage. compass.'

So, the next time you get a black eye, here's how to treat Golfer: 'You've got to be the it..... worst caddy in the world.'

Caddy: 'I don't think so sir.

That would be too much of a coincidence.' course. We left that an hour ago.'

Golfer: 'Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?'

Caddy: 'Eventually.'

Golfer: 'Do you think my game is improving?'

Caddy: 'Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now.'

Golfer: 'I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.'

Caddy: 'Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth.'

Golfer: 'Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake.'

Caddy: 'Think you can keep your head down that long?'

For years the 10

Administer treatment until pain and swelling are gone...

Side Effects - Caution: This treatment could possibly cause some swelling in other areas.

36” DD Breasts covered are called Cojones de

Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!

The German said, what the heck, bring me an order.

The waiter replied, I am so sorry senor.

There is only one serving per day because A big German stopped at there is only one bull fight each morning. If a local restaurant following a you come early and day roaming around in Spain While sipping his beer, he no- place your order, we will be sure to save ticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at you this delicacy. the next table. Not only did it The next morning, the German look good, the smell was won- returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the derful. He asked the waiter, one and only special delicacy of what is that you just served? the day. After a few bites, inThe waiter replied, ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those specting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, these are in warm Belgian chocolate….1” erect nipples pierced with gold nipple rings topped with whipped cream, Clean shaved minge framed by open crotch leather thong,….moist salty clit smothered in blackberry jam, this is not ordinary porn……

This is M&S Porn!

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delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, Si, Senor.

Sometimes the bull wins.'

"Once upon a time”, in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort.

He further announced that he would now buy at $20 for a monkey. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each, and the supply of monkeys became so small that it was an effort to even find a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35, and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each."

The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys.

They never saw the man nor his assistant again, only monkeys everywhere!

Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works."

is asking for sexual advice, that he agrees. When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.' He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them £50, and says good bye. A week later the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row: The couple make an appointment, have intercourse with no

problems, pay the doctor, and then leave. Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'

The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges £98. The Hilton charges £139. We do it here for £50, and I get £43 back from BUPA

An elderly couple in their seventies walk into a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?' The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?' The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple

I Think I just shit myself.

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Marriage changes passion.

When I was young we

A Prayer for the Stressed.

Grant me the serenity to Suddenly you're in bed with a used to go 'skinny dipping,' now accept the things that I cannot relative.

I just 'chunky dunk.' change, the courage to change I saw a woman wearing a Don't argue with an idiot; the things I cannot accept and the wisdom to hide the bodies sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it. people watching may not be of those I had to kill today So I said 'Implants?' She hit me. able to tell the difference. because they got on my nerves.

And also, help me to be careful How come we choose Why is it that our chilof the toes I step on today as from just two people to run for dren can't read a Bible in they may be connected to the president and over fifty for school, but they can in prison? feet I may have to kiss Miss America ? tomorrow.

Wouldn't you know it.... And help me to remember .......

Now that food has reBrain cells come and brain cells When I'm having a bad day and placed sex in my life, I can't go, but FAT cells live forever. it seems that people are trying even get into my own pants. to wind me up: Bumper sticker of the It takes 42 muscles to frown, I signed up for an exercise year: 28 muscles to smile, class and was told to wear 'If you can read this, thank a And only 4 to extend my arm loose fitting clothing. If I HAD teacher -and, since it's in and smack them in the any loose fitting clothing, I English, thank a soldier' mouth!!!! wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

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Harry Potter star,

teenths of Leicester Royal InfirDaniel Radcliffe, in hospital mary, where he after terrible magic mix-up has undergone during shooting of the new treatment to matPotter film. tify his glaring Radcliffe, shooting a scene in forehead. which he had to disappear, covered himself in Hogwarts’s News of Daniel’s accident has fu‘own brand’ vanishing fluid.

When Radcliffe thought he was elled rumours that there is a Potter safely invisible he slapped film curse, after Hermione’s arse, pinged her Emma Watson’s bra-strap, then pretended to take carrot-top Weasley from bulbous head got behind. But the shocked reac- jammed in a door on set last month. tion of the production team Daniel’s agent said alerted the teen star to his that he is making a awful mistake. He had mixed good recovery. “I’ve just seen up his potions – it was not him and he looks very well.

Hogwart’s vanishig fluid, but Hogwart’s VARNISHING fluid! Positively glowing.”

Radcliffe was owl-lifted to ward Co-star’s and fans have sent messages of support. All at thirteen and three seven-

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The Smuggler wish him well and are looking forward to his shining performance when the film is released next year.

A Northern Territory farm than a full minute. (I'm at this

returned with a sandwich and a beer. hand radios back to the farm 'Here,' he said to the statue, manager. have this.

'Boss, I gotta helluva problem I stood like that for two days at here.. I hit a pig with the ute. the Smiths and nobody offered The pig's OK, but he's stuck in the bullbars at the front of me A woman was in bed with me a damned thing.' ute and is wriggling and squeal- her lover when she heard her No more Golf my dear ing so much I can't get him husband opening the front friend, out.' door.

I have played my last round.

The manager says,'Ok, there's 'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the a ...303 Rifle behind the seat. corner.' She rubbed baby oil all Thank you for the memorable Take it, shoot the pig in the over him, then dusted him with rounds we have had together.

I want to dedicate my time to a head and you'll be able to retalcum powder. new hobby, move him.'

'Don't move until I tell you,' I will be cycling with a new Five minutes later the farm she said, 'pretend you're a group of people. hand calls back, 'I did what you statue.'

Dear friend, we have had good said boss. Took the 303, shot 'What's this?' the husband inthe pig in the head and required as he entered the room. time and it was fun while it lasted, but the time has now moved him from the bull-bars. 'Oh it's a statue,' she replied, come to say goodbye.

No problem there, but I still 'the Smiths bought one and I can't go on'. liked it so I got one for us, too.' PS: I am sending a picture of my new cycling friends.

'Now what's the problem?'

No more was said, not even raged the Manager. when they went to bed.

'Well boss, it's his motor-bike. Around 2 AM the husband got The flashing blue light is stuck up, went to the kitchen and under the right-front wheel arch.' level.)

When you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

Exercise for the over 60s Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, with plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more 18

At the end of this , you

•

are asked a question. Answer it • immediately. Don't stop and think about it.

Just say the first thing that pops • into your mind.

• This is a fun 'test'... AND kind of spooky at the same time! • Give it a try.

Now - just follow the instruc- • tions as quickly as possible.

Do not go to the next calculation before you have finished the previous one.

You do not ever need to write or remember the answers, just do it using your mind.

You'll be surprised.

I know! Calculations are hard work, but it's! Nearly over.

Come on, one more!

• 123 + 5 QUICK! THINK ABOUT A COLOR AND A TOOL! Now go to the top left hand corner of page 22 for the answer.

3 + 56 89 + 2 12 + 53 75 + 26 25 + 52 63 + 32

Start: How much is: • 15 + 6

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Aggravated Auntie Problem Solver To The Ex-Pat Family.

Q. I used to laugh at my husband’s foibles but after 15 years of marriage, I am finding his ways increasingly annoying and irritating. For example, when he eats his pie and chips he sort of snuffles and grunts like a pig.

That used to be endearing but now it just makes me feel sick.

Any advice?

Patty, Xativa.

Auntie says: My sister sent me this text the other day: “Why did God invent thrush?

So a woman knows what it’s like living with an irritating twat before she marries one.” I think eventually most people become irritating to live with after a certain amount of time. My sister told me that she used to wear ear-plugs at night to muffle her husband’s snoring but then, not long after he retired, one morning she just left them in all day! It changed her life. Give it a go!

Q. My son won’t eat his dinner. I have tried everything, even cutting his food into tractor shapes but he just throws it on the floor and screams. He is 13. Sylvie, Villajoyosa.

Auntie says: What a spoilt little brat! Tractor shapes my arse! Let him starve, he will soon eat up his dinner. I have a good mind to start Auntie’s Boot Camp to show young people a thing or two.

Q. My girlfriend of four years and I don’t share the same interests any more. For example, I have recently taken a keen interest in the politics of religion in Napoleonic Italy – with particular emphasis on the war against God etc etc (letter edited by Auntie to fit onto smaller page) but she refuses to be drawn into a discussion on the topic and actually walks out of the room! I end up going to the pub most nights. Grayson, Monte Corona.

and you and your new lady friend start arguing in public places, chucking drinks over each other and being sick in each other’s laps. It might seem like you have met your soul-mate but probably more like your “arsehole mate”.

Dump her before she takes you down with her. Or vice versa.

Q. I am wracked with guilt. A month ago, I went into a pharmacy and while the old lady was out the back tending to her Auntie says: Christ alive!

No wonder! I just about slid family stew, I stole a large into a coma just reading your amount of diazepam based pharmaceuticals. When she letter. You didn’t mention which pub you go to. I want came back, she was very nice to to make sure I never ever go me and now I feel bad. Should I near it. Refer your girlfriend confess and take them all back? to the above “Auntie says” Auntie says: Well the about earplugs. damage is done really isn’t Q. Thank you for your advice last it? I am sure she was month Auntie, but I have found a insured. I would just go to solution to my drinking problem – confession next Sunday.

I have found a lady friend who That way you are covered. likes a drink too. You know what After all, 1.1 billion Catholic’s they say “a drinking problem can’t be wrong. shared…” and all that. Like me, More from ‘Agonized Auntie’ she is unemployed so we are on in next months issue. If you the same wavelength. She is have a problem you would getting a divorce and has no money. I feel she is my soul-mate like her to give advice on, but the trouble is, my wife doesn’t the email her at editor@thesmuggler.es, or understand! (Pete, Jalon) pop onto the forum at www.thesmuggler.es and Auntie syas: I think your wife understands you better post your problems there. than you think Pete! I can’t (Ed) help feel that it is just a matter of time before the “hangover period” sets in 20

21

You just thought about a red hammer, didn't you?

If this is not your answer, you are among 2% of people who have a different, if not abnormal, mind. 98% of the Peoplewould answer a red hammer while doing this exercise.

If you do not believe this, pass it around and you'll see.

one day, 'I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. 'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.

'I would like it infrequently' she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered, 'Is that one word, or two?'

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.

Paddy says ”I fancy a day off, I’m going to pretend I am mad” With that he climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts “I’m a Lightbulb” Murphy watches in amazement and the Foreman shouts “PADDY GET DOWN, PACK YOUR TOOLS AND GO HOME, YOU’RE MAD” He does so and leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing up to go home “Where are you going?” asks the Foreman “Well” say Murphy“I can’t

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...

30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'

A man said to his wife 22

work in the fucking dark now can I?”

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is' While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat, old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light

23

charged $5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as up sequentially. They continshe was too expensive. But ued to watch until it reached there were no discounts. The the last number and then the price was still $5000. again, numbers began to light in the the man pulled reverse order. out the money, Finally the walls opened up gave it to Valerie, again and a gorgeous 24-year- and they went old blonde stepped out. upstairs. After The father said quietly to his an hour, he left. son.....'Go get your mother.'

The following night the man The madam opened the was there yet again. Everyone brothel door in Nevada and was astounded saw a rather dignified, wellthat he had come dressed, good-looking man in for a third conhis late forties or early fifties.

'May i help you sir?' she asked. secutive night, 'i would like to see Valerie,' the but he paid Valerie and they man replied.

'Sir, Valerie is one of our most went upstairs. expensive ladies. perhaps you After their session, Valerie would prefer someone else', questioned the said the madam. man, 'no one has 'No, i would like to see Valever been with erie,' he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and me three nights in a row. Where announced to the man she 24

are you from?' she asked.

The man replied, 'Minnesota.' 'really', she said. 'I have family in Minnesota.'

'I know.' the man said. 'Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance. ' The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.

1. death 2. taxes, and 3. being screwed by a lawyer

The Nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning when she asked the question, When you die and go to Heaven...which part of your body goes first?'

Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands'.

25

'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'

Suzy replied, 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first'.

'What a wonderful answer!' the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, 'Sister, I think it's your feet'.

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.

'Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?'

Little Johnny said, 'Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night, Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, 'Oh! God, I'm com-

ing! '... and if Dad hadn't pinned right then and there! her down, we'd have lost her'. The engaged woman giggled and

Three women friends, one in a casual relationship one engaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives.

After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role playing.

The following week they met up again to compare notes: Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, "Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat.

When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels.

He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk

26

said, "That's pretty much my story!

When my fiancĂŠ got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps.

He was so turned on that we not only made love all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!

The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos.

I finished it off with a black mask.

When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, "Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?"

27

Titt Makes Shocking Find An English ex-pat, residing in the inland town of Pinoso, astonishingly claims to have discovered a rich vein of raw electricity, whilst digging on his land.

Thomas Titt purchased his ramshackle 5 bedroom finca 2 years ago for the princely sum of €90,000, and has spent most of that time trying to refurbish his hovel in a vain attempt to make a financial killing at some point in the future. Now he reckons buyers will be knocking his door down in their attempts to capitalise on his remarkable find.

“Admittedly I’ve not been able to invest as much time on the house as I would’ve liked. Instead, I’ve been clearing all the almond trees off my 10,000 square metres of land in order to provide me with firewood throughout the winter months, which is worse for me as I don’t actually have a roof. I was also hoping to make a few quid from my vines, but most seemed to have given up the ghost after I’d treated them with creosote to protect them from the sun.”

He added, “Anyway, last month I decided to construct a new cesspit, mainly due the fact that my old one was chock-a-block full of crap. It was when I’d dug about a foot deep that my spade entered an underground channel. All of a sudden this bright sparkly stuff started flying out of the hole. I knew straight away that it was raw electricity

escaping, so I immediately refilled it. I can’t remember exactly where it was now, though I’m sure that there must be massive reserves of it right under my very feet.

Imagine having unlimited access to so much electricity. My property must be worth billions at this moment in time, what with the energy crisis and all, although I’m willing to listen to any offers over €100,000.”

In order to ascertain the level of Tom’s sanity, we sought the opinion of his campo-dwelling neighbour, who preferred to remain anonymous.

“I met Tom shortly after he moved in. I couldn’t believe anyone would buy that property, especially for that amount of money. The previous owners were on the verge of knocking it down, as the local ayuntamiento thought that it was not only perilously close to collapsing, but a bloody eyesore as well. Then Bob comes along with his redundancy cheque and offers them ninety grand for it, claiming he’ll invest all his spare time converting it into an upmarket B&B. I was invited to his house warming barbecue. Unfortunately a stray spark set fire to his roof, and 28

it’s remained roofless ever since. He has no running water or electricity, and never will have.

He stated, “He’s always hanging around here drinking his cheap wine and telling me about his grand plans and how he intends to start soon. I’ve heard it for two bloody years now. He did try and install some enormous patio doors in the rear of the house, but unwisely chose a supporting wall and the whole back end collapsed while he was here telling me that his next project was going to be an Olympic sized pool.”

When we informed him about Titts´ electrifying discovery, he seemed neither surprised, nor overly impressed.

“Oh, electricity is it now! He must be getting desperate to sell now. So far he claims to have discovered unlimited reserves of coal, oil, uranium, and natural gas. When these

failed to create any interest in the property, he reckoned he’d spotted some hieroglyphics carved into an almond tree, which he felt was evidence enough that his property stood upon an Egyptian tomb; most probably full of priceless treasures. In January he started spreading the rumour that there was a black-hole in his outdoor toilet, allowing access to the ends of the universe. He was sure this would enable any new owner the chance to experience time travel.”

the house. He’ll say anything to create interest in his property.

If he spent as much time working on the house as he does talking shite, maybe he’d actually attract a buyer for the right reasons.”

After we had decided that the story wasn’t worth pursuing, we passed by Toms´ property, and couldn’t help but notice him squatting on his dilapidated terrace, spraying a pile of stones with what looked suspiciously like gold paint.

He continued, “In March, whilst attempting to construct a 3 hole golf course on his land, he claimed to have been visited by the Virgin Mary, who then proceeded to promise endless Nov. 2008: Royturds miracles to anyone who owned News Agency.

29

One Christmas eve Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She said Santa will you stay with me?

Santa replied HO HO HO GOTTA GO GOTTA GO GOTTA DELIVER THESE TOYS TO GOOD girls and boys. So she took off her night gown wearing only a bra and panties she asked Santa now will you stay with me HO HO HO GOTTA GO deliver these toys to good girls and boys .She takes off everything and says Santa now will you stay with me? Santa replies gotta stay gotta stay can't get up the chimney with my dick this way.

'Doctor, doctor, would you please kiss me' asks the patient. No, you are a very beautiful woman, but it's against my code of ethics' he replies. 'Please, just one kiss' she pleads...

'Sorry' says the doctor, 'It's totally out of the question. In all honesty you shouldn't even be sucking my cock.' gonna eat me just like the story

NOW ON SALE AT IKEA - says!"

lesbian beds No screwing involved. It's all tongue and groove!

Little Johnny walks into

school one day to find a substitute in place of his regular Little Red Riding Hood teacher.

A woman tries to spice was on her way to see her She says, "Hello class, I'm Mrs. up her love-life so buys a pair grandmother in the forest.

Her Prussy. When you say my name of crotchless knickers from mother warned her "Don't class remember it has an "r" Love Honey. walk through the forest, take after the first letter."

She puts them on and sits the path, or else the Big Bad The entire class says, "Hello opposite her husband who asks Wolf will catch you and suck Mrs. Prussy."

'Are you wearing crotchless your tits dry!" Little Red A few days later the regular panties?' 'Yes darling', she restarted towards her grandteacher is still sick when Little plies seductively. mother's house but decided to Johnny gets to his desk the Her husband says 'Thank fuck for that, I thought the sofa had take the shortcut through the teacher asks what her name is. forest anyway. The turtle Johnny thinks hard and the says burst!' stopped Little Red and warned to the teacher, "I remember it has an "r" after the first letter."

A recent scientific study her "Turn back and use the path, because if the Big Bad "That's right!" she coaxed. found that women find differWolf finds you, he'll suck your Then after a few seconds Little ent male faces attractive detits dry!" Little Red was almost Johnny says, "It’s Mrs. Crunt pending on where they are in there, so she kept going isn’t it?" their menstrual cycle. For exthrough the forest. Sure ample, when a woman is ovuenough, the Big Bad Wolf lating she will prefer a man A guy walks into a local jumps out of nowhere and tells with rugged masculine features. pharmacy and walks up to the her "Take off your shirt Little And when she is menstruating, counter where a lady pharmaRed Riding Hood - I'm gonna she prefers a man doused in cist is filling prescriptions. suck your tits dry!!". "Oh no petrol, set on fire, with scissors When she finally gets around you don't", yells Little Red, as stuck in his eyes and a cricket she pulls up her skirt, "You're to helping him he says, "I'd like stump jammed up his arse!

30

have between her 99 condoms please". With a surprised look on her face the breasts that a young woman doesn't? pharmacist says, "99 Condoms!?! Fuck me!" to which the A. A navel. guy replies, "Make it 100 then..."

Q. What is the difference between a woman and a washing There was a guy who machine? was struggling to decide what A. You can bung your to wear to go to a fancy costume party... Then he had a load in a washing mabright idea. chine and it won't call When the host answered the you a week later. door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no Q. Why did god cresocks on. ate Adam before he "What the hell are you supcreated eve? posed to be?" asked the host.

A. Because he didn't about the new super-sensitive "A premature ejaculation," said want anyone telling him how to condoms? the man. "I just came in my A. They hang around after the make Adam. pants�. man leaves and talks to the Q. What is a lesbian's favorite woman.

A guy phones up his Boss, thing to eat? but gets the bosses' wife inQ. What's worse than getting A. A Klondike Bar stead. "I'm afraid he died last raped by Jack the Ripper? week." she explains. The next Q. What did the elephant say A. Getting fingered by Captain day the man calls again and asks to the naked man?

Hook. for the boss. "I told you" the A .

"How do you wife replies, "he died last breath through someweek." The next day he calls thing so small?" again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time Q. Why don't women the wife is getting upset and shouts, "I'VE ALREADY TOLD wear watches?

YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, A. There's a clock on YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST the stove!

WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?" "Coz," he replied Q. What doesn't belaughing, "I just love hearing it�. long in this list : Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?

Q. What do a Rubix cube and A. Blowjob: You can a penis have in common? beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't A. The longer you play with beat a blowjob. them, the harder they get.

Q. What does an old woman

Q. Have you heard 31

The Ragged Clown/Guide To Prostitutes I wonder if you too, dear reader, have sat and gasped in awe, as I have, at the mind-numbing blandness of some of the ‘other’ Englishlanguage magazines available over here. With monotonous regularity they churn out the same tired articles, encouraging us to drink more when it’s hot, advising us how to protect our skin from the sun, explaining what a ‘pension’ is and, my particular favourite, insulting our intelligence with paid-for advertising dressed up as restaurant reviews. ‘Why don’t they give people what they really want?’ I cry out in vain. I guess that’s where The Smuggler comes in.

So what do the people want? Well, most men know the real reason they moved to Spain, so I guess that’s what they’re interested in.

Oh, we might say we enjoy the sunshine, the lower prices (?), the friendly locals (??) and the more relaxed lifestyle (?????). But the real reason is, of course, the ready availability of prostitutes. So, after a thorough investigation of all the data, here is the Ragged Clown’s Guide to Prostitutes.

Now, I know we have them back in the UK, and I’m as loathe as any other Brit to slag off the old country, but let’s be honest, most of the hookers walking your average English street have all the looks and charm of an

unflushed toilet. And don’t even get me started on the prices they charge!

But over here in Spain, maybe it’s a result of all the sunshine, maybe they eat more fruit, maybe the drugs are of a higher quality, but they just look more appealing.

Mind you, don’t place too much importance on getting the lowest price possible. A friend of mine was bragging that he’d found a woman of negotiable favours who was willing to offer the complete service for €10! Unfortunately she gave him even more than he’d bargained for – crabs. He went back to see her to complain. Her response was, “Well what do you expect for a tenner? Lobsters?”

But seriously, on with the guide. There are three main ways of ‘doing a bit of business’ – 1. Streetwalkers; 2.

Brothels; 3. Newspapers ads. Let’s look at each in detail: Street Walkers: One of the main advantages of these is price. They are usually the cheapest of the three options, and they are also the 32

most likely to be open to a bit of haggling. Especially if it’s a bit chilly. Those mini skirts have some draughts in the most shocking places!

Disadvantages include hygiene – think about it, where do they wash? My advice is to try to be in the first 6, not the first 16 (bit like a Grand Prix really!). Another downside is the openness of it all.

There you are, dropping your love off back at her street corner, post-coital cigarette dangling contentedly at you lips, belt and underpants on the back seat, when you hear a “Coo-eeh!”

You turn to see your wife’s best friend waving and smiling, hurriedly waddling up the street, having seen everything. Disaster! You’re

busted! My advice? Fucking floor it. Don’t look back.

Don’t bother with ‘Mirror, Signal, Manoeuvre. Just get the fuck out of Dodge. You can always ‘deny, deny, deny’ later. But if you get dragged into a conversation with her, or, God forbid, giving her a lift home, you’re buggered. There is no way on earth you are ever going to be able to explain the scantily-clad, high-heeled, and let’s not beat about the bush, tarty-looking young lady she saw exiting your vehicle. So don’t even bother. If the wife asks, you spent the day in the bar.

Get the wife to ring me; I’ll vouch for you. Just so I know what to say you drank sin alcohol and then drove

me home. I was pissed so I can’t remember a lot else, OK? Sorted.

Brothels: Usually euphemistically referred to as ‘clubs’. Bit pricey; think in hundreds rather than tens.

But they are generally well run, clean and safe from prying eyes – after all, if you do see someone you know in there, chances are they’re after the same thing you are, so therefore it’s unlikely to be Mrs Brown who sees the wife each Tuesday at the Bridge Club. Mind you, I have seen some of the women that go down the Bridge Club – sensible shoes, tweed trouser suit, bit of stubble. Maybe they are after the same thing we are?

One thing I always find

33

amusing about ‘clubs’ is the normality of it all. I often see boyfriends and husbands dropping their partners off at work with a quick kiss, wishing them a good night at work. Telling them they look nice in high-heel red leather boots, fishnet stocking and a top that certainly won’t keep their nipples warm. Maybe it’s us Brits that are hung up on sex.

Newspaper Ads: Again, can be pricey, but this is the place to look if you are in to anything a little bit ‘specialist’. But beware! If you find something you think you like the sound of in the Spanish press, make sure you understand all that’s being offered. A friend of mine rather fancied a ‘large

breasted Brazilian beauty, new to the area, offering complete service’ he found advertising in a Spanish newspaper. He gave her a ring, liked the sound of her voice, agreed a price, made an appointment, and off he went. The stupid prat never bothered to look up the word ‘Travesti’. He got more than he bargained for. About six inches more than he bargained for. I asked him what happened and he said he didn’t want to talk about it.

But I did notice he stood up all night in the bar! Coincidence? I don’t think so.

Another point I’d like to make in this guide is that it’s best to know some of the important words in Spanish, especially any relating to anything you’d like to do that is a little bit, how do I put this, ‘different’. The last thing you want is to be

parked on the side of the road miming some kind of anal intrusion when a Guardia Civil car pulls up behind you. Although, you will not need to know the Spanish for ‘Doggie, doggie’, as that position seems to hold the number one spot for Mediterranean lovers.

Well that’s all the space they allow me each month. I hope this guide has answered all the basic questions you might have had. If you have any comments or further advice please email me at raggedclown@ thesmuggler.es. Till next month,

34

keep the old pecker up (and don’t forget to wash it).

After numerous rounds of 'We don't even know if Osama is still alive',Osama himself decided to send George W a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message: 370HSSV-0773H. Bush was baffled, so he typed it out and emailed it to Colin Powell. Colin and his aides had no clue either so they sent it to the CIA. No one could solve it so it went to the NSA and then to MIT and NASA, and the Secret Service.

Eventually they asked Britain's MI5 for help.

They cabled the White House: 'Tell the President he is looking at the message upside down.'

35

Wit and Wisdom from U.S. Navy Swabbie Military Manuals, etc. "Bravery is being the only one "A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."

Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.

"Aim towards the Enemy" Instructions printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher "When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."

U.S. Marine Corps "Cluster bombing from B52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed always to hit the ground."

USAF Ammo Troop "If the Enemy is in range, so are you."

Infantry Journal "It is generally inadvisable to eject over the area you just bombed" U.S. Air Force Manual "Whoever said the pen is mightier then the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons."

General MacArthur "Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."

Infantry Journal "Tracers work both ways."

U.S. Army Ordnance "Five second fuses only last three seconds" Infantry Journal "Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything."

who knows you're afraid."

David Hackworth

tween air traffic controllers and pilots?

If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up.... The pilot dies."

"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush." The three most common expressions (or famous last Infantry Journal words) in aviation "No combat ready unit has are: "Why is it doing that?", ever passed inspection."

"Where are we?" And "Oh Joe Gay S...!"

"Any ship can be a mine"Airspeed, altitude and brains. sweeper. Once."

Two are always needed to complete the "Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." flight successfully."

"Mankind has a perfect record Unknown Marine Recruit in aviation; we've never left one "Don't draw fire; it irritates the up there!" people around you."

"If you see a bomb technician "Flashlights are tubular metal running, follow him and try to containers kept in a flight bag to store dead batteries." keep up."

USAF Ammo Troop "Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your "You've never been lost until flight to a person on the you've been lost at Mach 3." ground who is incapable of Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot) understanding or doing "The only time you have too anything about it." much fuel is when you're on "The Piper Cub is the safest fire." airplane in the world; it can just "Blue water Navy truism: barely kill you."

There are more planes in the Attributed to Max Stanley ocean than submarines in the (Northrop test pilot) sky."

"A pilot who doesn't have any From an old carrier sailor: fear probably isn't flying his "If the wings are travelling plane to its maximum." faster than the fuselage, it's Jon McBride, astronaut probably a helicopter and "If you're faced with a forced therefore, unsafe." landing, fly the thing as far into "When one engine fails on a the crash as possible." twin engine airplane, you alBob Hoover (renowned aeroways have enough power left to get you to the scene of the batic and test pilot ) crash."

"Without munitions, the USAF Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not would be just another expengo near the edges of it. The sive flying club." edges of the air can be recog"What is the similarity be36

nized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there."

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks, "What happened?".

The pilot's reply, "I don't know, I just got here myself!"

Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)

HEAR ME?' and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Okay,' he says, 'they're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.'

Do you like Wayne Rooney's new haircut?

Apparently it happened as the result of a misunderstanding when Playboy offered Colleen a 100 grand to shave her c**t.

door.

Five minutes later, the man A man in Scotland calls hospital in a coma. Her nurse comes running out of the room screaming that all of his wife's his son in London the day benotices after a few days that vital signs have plummeted to fore Christmas Eve and says, I every time she sponge bathes hate to ruin your day, but I the woman around the crotch, zero and she needs a doctor have to tell you that your her vital signs, according to the immediately. The nurse, upset that her idea had not only not mother and I are divorcing; nearby monitor, increase sigworked, but seemed to be forty-five years of misery is nificantly. The nurse gets the enough. bright idea that oral sex might threatening the life of the woman she had sought to save, 'Dad, what are you talking just provide the stimulus to asked the man what had hapabout?' the son screams. bring the woman out of her pened.

We can't stand the sight of coma. each other any longer,' the She calls the woman's husband, "I'm not sure," said the husband, "but I think she choked!" father says. tells him her idea about oral 'We're sick of each other, and sex, and he agrees. When he I'm sick of talking about this, so arrives at the hospital, the you call your sister in Leeds nurse ushers him into the and tell her.' room, closes the curtain Frantic, the son calls his sister, around the bed, and closes the who explodes on the phone.

'Like hell they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this,' She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father, 'You are NOT getting divorced.

Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't doa thing, DO YOU

There's a woman in a

37

NOTICE: OFFICE OF THE TREASURER GENERAL REPUBLIC OF NIGERIA. DESK OF: ALHAJI. IBRAHIM. H. DANKWAMBO E-MAIL: TEL: +234 7023186029 I AM SECRETARY OF MINISTRY OF TREASURY OF SMALL AFRICAN NATION. I MUST SHARE MY CONFIDENCE WITH YOU IN TRUST: I WAS PLANNING TO SEND AN EMAIL TO RIP OFF RICH ENGLISH LIKE YOU. AFTER LAST WEEK OF FINANCIAL NEWS, I NO LONGER HAVE THE HEART TO DO THIS. CLEARLY ENGLISH'S HAVE

38

ALREADY BEEN SCAMMED ENOUGH BY THE BEST IN THE CITY - MUCH BETTER THAN ME AND MY FRIENDS. I CAN NO LONGER COMPETE WITH SUCH CLEVER ENGLISH WHO HAVE RIPPED OFF FELLOW COUNTRYMAN FOR TRILLIONS OF POUNDS. PLEASE ACCEPT OUR SINCERE CONDOLENCES ON YOUR LOSS OF YOUR LIFE SAVINGS. BEST REGARDS, ALHAJI. IBRAHIM. H. DANKWAMBO TREASURER GENERAL OF THE FEDERATION OF NIGERIAN REPUBLIC.

The latest club craze is to fill a woman's vagina with vodka and then suck it out using a straw. Doctors are warning about the dangers of minge drinking

A farmer in Devon has made history by growing a field of dildos! Unfortunately he's had a lot of trouble with squatters!

85% of Liverpudlian males say they enjoy sex in the shower........ The other 15% haven't been to prison yet.

I'm really p*ssed off! Someone's just crashed into my car in one of them new Skodas.

There's f.......g jam and sponge everywhere!

39

Two Asian addicts have best f*ck I've ever

injected themselves with curry had, I wonder how the girls got powder by mistake. Both are on ? in intensive care: One has a dodgy tikka; the other one is in If mothers a korma.

Celebrate mothBastards! Just been thrown ers day, fathers celebrate fathers out & barred from the local swimming baths because I had day, lovers celebrate valentines my Speedo trunks on! What I day, do wankers didn't know was the 'S' had celebrate palm come off the logo!!

Sunday?

Just bought a racehorse called 'My Face', It may not be any good but I can't wait to hear all the women in the crowd screaming 'come on ... .My face’.

I've just been 2 my first Muslim birthday party! Musical chairs was a bit slow but f*ck me pass the parcel was fast!

2 Irish couples decide to swap partners.. Afterwards Paddy said to Murphy that's the

Just popped home, caught the plumber with Apple Computer rehis dick in the dog! Can't beported today that it has devellieve the police won't do anyoped computer chips that can thing! They said the b*stard be implanted and play music was corgi registered inside women's breasts. The music is in stereo, of course.

Are you available to come to a charity pancake This is considered to be a macompetition on Shrove Tuesjor breakthrough because day? The organisers have the women are always complaining pans and the ingredients they about men staring at their just need a tosser. breasts, and not listening to them.

40

41

The old man in his mideighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat.

His wife, seeing the unexpected behaviour, asks, 'Where are you going?'

He replies, 'I'm going to the doctor.'

She says, 'Why, are you sick?'

He says, 'Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff.'

Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.

He says, 'Where the hell are you going'?

She answers, 'I'm going to the doctor, too.'

He says, 'Why, what do you need?'

She says, 'If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, The next thing I heard him say was 'sorry mate, I'll have to call I'm getting a tetanus shot.' you back. I've got some idiot in The other day I needed the cubicle next to me answering everything I say. to pay a visit to the public toliet, so I found a public toilet that had two cubicles.

One of the doors was locked.

So I went into the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down.

A voice came from the cubicle next to me: 'Hello mate, how are you doing?'

Although I thought that it was a bit strange, I didn't want to be rude, so I replied 'Not too bad thanks.'

After a short pause, I heard the voice again 'So, what are you up to?'

Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly, 'Just having a quick shit... How about yourself?'

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, 'This is a tree.'

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, 'Tree.'

The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, 'This is a rock.'

42

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, 'Rock.'

The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity. The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, 'Man riding a bike.'

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.

The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, 'My bike.'

Jack wakes up with a

killer hangover after attending his firm's Christmas Party. He doesn't even remember how he got home. It's 8.30. What day is it? Thursday. His wife must have gone to work.

As he struggles into consciousness through the fog of a pounding headache, his stomach Plummets as he wonders just what the hell he did last night. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a little vase of sweet peas, freshly picked from the garden. He sits up. The bedroom is clean and tidy, there is no trailof drunkenly abandoned clothes, fresh air is coming in through the window and all is serene. He stumbles to the bathroom, also pristine, and, squinting gingerly into the mirror, sees that he has a black eye.

This is not a good sign, but no memories are returning. As he concentrates hard on getting the world into focus, he sees a post-it note stuck on the corner of the mirror. It is written in red, with little hearts on it and a kiss from his wife. 'I'll ring your office and tell them you won't be in today. Breakfast is in the oven. Try to eat something and go back to bed for the morning.

There's snooker on TV

this afternoon. Take it easy today; hope your eye doesn't hurt too much. See you tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian. x ' He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the newspaper.

His teenaged son is sitting at the table, eating. Jack, bracing himself, asks his son what happened the previous night.

'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked up big time in the hallway and up the stairs, and got that black eye when you ran into the door. Confused,he asks his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order, aspirins by the bed, a nice note from Mum and breakfast waiting for me?'

His son replies, 'Oh THAT!... Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your trousers off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone you slapper, I'm happily married!!'

Broken Coffee Table ÂŁ250 Hot Breakfast ÂŁ3.50 Two Aspirins 20 pence Saying the right thing, at the right time.....PRICELESS

43

Employer to applicant: counter?"

"In this job we need someone who is responsible."

Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."

A middle aged man, about 5 foot 8 inches tall, walks into a Walmart and asks where the pharmacy counter is. He is directed to it.

When he reaches it, he asks to see the pharmacist.

The pharmacist comes and the man, looking around furtively, asks quietly, "Do you sell Viagra here?"

The pharmacist answers firmly, "Yes, sir. We certainly do."

The man then asks, "Do you think I could get it over the

intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderWhat do you give the stood the word Tampax" for paedophile who has every"THUMBTACKS." In a busithing? nesslike tone, a voice boomed Another parish. back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU One of the funniest "most-embarrassing-moment" PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMBOR THE KIND stories I've come upon in a long time was about a lady who YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?" picked up several items at a discount store.

When she finally got up to the Yesterday I came back checker, she learned that one to my office from Court. There was a new secretary (a very of her items attractive blonde) in the office had no price tag. Imagine her down the hall from me. embarrassment when the She flagged me down and asked checker got on the The pharmacist thinks for a moment and then says, "Perhaps, if you took five or six pills at once you might."

44

for help. "My floppy drive won't work, can you help me ?" she asked. I told her I'd take a look and proceeded over to her machine, where I found shredded up clear plastic Baggie-like stuff hanging out of her 3.5" floppy drive.

While I spent the next 20 minutes getting out her disk and digging out the plastic, I noticed two guys, John and Dave, in the hall trying awfully hard to keep straight faces.

Suspecting some mischief, I asked her how the plastic got into the drive.

"Oh, you mean the condom!", she said.

"Condom???", I asked.

"Yes, John & Dave over there told me to always put a condom on my disk before inserting it, to prevent catching viruses."

By this point, John & Dave were roaring, and it was all I could do to keep from joining them.

The "condom" turned out to be a standard 3.5" plastic sleeve. I delicately explained to her that a practical joke had been played, and she shouldn't do that anymore, when she asked (as serious as one could be), "Does that mean I don't have to stroke it ten times

or blow on it either???"

The woman in question, a cute blonde as it happens, was pulled over for speeding by a California Highway Patrol motorcycle officer. When he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book she said: "I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball." He replied, "No, highway patrolmen don't have balls."

There followed a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.

FOR SALE BY OWNER Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. â‚Ź1,000.00 or best offer.

No longer needed. Got married last weekend.

Wife knows everything.

Q: Why do the men in Scotland wear kilts?

A: Because the sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.

45

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Smuggler Puzzle Page Easy

Solutions Page 63

Anagrams

1) - A daft silliness. (female) 2) - O! Fat Male (male)

3)- Ta! I Am A Nubile Girl (female) 4) - Ha! illegal gram (male) 5) - I'm a torso (female) 6) - Two red rats (male) 7) - Shut Beak (female) 8) - Ill tapeworm (male) 9) - Try Large Git (male) 10) - It Is A Raunchier Gal (female)

Hard

Riddle

A man wanted to enter an exclusive club but did not know the password that was required. He waited by the door and listened. A club member knocked on the door and the doorman said, "twelve." The member replied, "six " and was let in. A second member came to the door and the doorman said, "six." The member replied, "three" and was let in. The man thought he had heard enough and walked up to the door. The doorman said ,"ten" and the man replied, "five." But he was not let in. What should he have said?

You are in a cold house in the winter.

It is dark. You have one match. There is a candle and there is a wood burning stove. Which do you light first?

46

A teacher was

The astrologer realized that the king wrapping up class, was planning to kill and started talking him immediately, no about tomorrow's matter what answer final exam. He said he gave. "I do not there would be no know when I will excuses for not showing up tomor- die," he answered finally. "I only know row, barring a dire medical condition or that whenever I die, the king will die an immediate three days later." family member's death.

Morris and his One smart ass stuwife Esther went to dent said, "What about extreme sex- the state fair every year, and every year ual exhaustion?", and the whole class- Morris would say, 'Esther,I'd like to room burst into ride in that helicoplaughter. After the ter.' laughter had Esther always resubsided, the teacher glared at the plied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopstudent, and said, ter ride is fifty dol"Not an excuse, lars, and fifty dollars you can just use your other hand to is fifty dollars' One year Esther and write."

Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, A medieval 'Esther, I'm 85 years Jewish astrologer prophesied to a king old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I that his favorite mistress would soon might never get andie. Sure enough, the other chance.' woman died a short To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that time later. helicopter ride is The king was outraged at the astrolo- fifty dollars, and fifty ger, certain that his dollars is fifty dollars.' prophecy had The pilot overheard brought about the woman's death. He the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a summoned the asdeal. I'll take the trologer and comboth of you for a manded him: ride. If you can stay "Prophecy, tell me quiet for the entire when you will die!"

47

ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot put the craft through all kinds of maneuvers, but not a word was heard. Up, down, back and forth, even sideways, he did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'

Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!

It was necessary to keep a good supply of cannon balls near the cannon on old war ships. But how to prevent them from rolling about the deck was the problem. The best storage method devised was to stack them as a square based pyramid, with one ball on top, resting on four, resting on nine, which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem - how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding/ rolling from under the others. The solution was a metal plate with 16 round indentations, called, for reasons unknown, a Monkey. But if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make them of brass - hence, Brass Monkeys.

Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled.

Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would come right off the monkey.

Thus,it was quite literally, cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey. And all this time, you thought that was just a vulgar expression, didn't you?

48

49

The following is an edited transcript of Newcastle interim manager Joe Kinnear's first official press conference.

The Smuggler has to run this transcript just in case any of the ‘Maggies’ out there missed it.

JK Which one is Simon Bird [Daily Mirror's north-east football writer]?

SB Me. JK You're a cunt.

SB Thank you.

JK Which one is Hickman [Niall, football writer for the Express]?

You are out of order. Absolutely fucking out of order. If you do it again, I am telling you you can fuck off and go to another ground. I will not come and stand for that fucking crap. No fucking way, lies.

Fuck, you're saying I turned up and they [Newcastle's players] fucked off.

SB No Joe, have you read it, it doesn't actually say that. Have you read it?

JK I've fucking read it, I've read it.

SB It doesn't say that. Have you read it?

JK You are trying to fucking undermine my position already.

SB Have you read it, it doesn't say that. I knew you knew they were having a day off.

JK Fuck off. Fuck off. It's your last fucking chance.

SB You read the copy? It doesn't say that you didn't know.

JK What about the headline, you think that's a good headline?

SB I didn't write the headline, you read the copy.

JK You are negative bastards, the pair of you.

SB So if I get a new job next week would I take the first day off? No I wouldn't. If I get a new job should I call my boss and tell him I am taking the first day off?

JK It is none of your fucking business. What the fuck are you going to do? You ain't got the balls to be

a fucking manager. Fucking day off. Do I want your opinion. Do I have to listen to you?

SB No, you can listen to who you want.

JK I had a 24-hour meeting with the entire staff.

SB Joe, you are only here six weeks, you could have done that on Sunday, or Saturday night.

JK No, no, no. I didn't want to do it. I had some other things to do.

SB What? More important things?

JK What are you? My personal secretary? Fuck off.

SB You could have done the meeting Saturday night or Sunday.

You could have had them watching videos, you could have organised them.

JK I was meeting the fucking chairman the owner, everyone else.

Talking about things.

SB It is a valid point that was made in there. A valid point.

JK I can't trust any of you.

Niall Hickman Joe, no one could believe that on your first day at your new club, the first-team players were not in. No one could believe it in town. Your first day in the office.

JK My first day was with the coaches. I made the decision that I wanted to get as much information out of them.

NH But why Monday, no one could believe it?

JK I'm not going to tell you anything. I don't

50

understand where you are coming from. You are delighted that Newcastle are getting beat and are in the state they are? Delighted, are you?

NH Certainly not. No one wants to see them get beaten, why would we?

JK I have done it before. It is going to my fucking lawyers. So are about three others. If they can find something in it that is a court case it is going to court. I am not fucking about. I don't talk to fucking anybody. It is raking up stories.

51

You are fucking so fucking slimy you are raking up players that I got rid of. Players that I had fallen out with. You are not asking Robbie Earle, because he is sensible. You are not asking Warren Barton?

No. Because he is fucking sensible.

Anyone who had played for me for 10 years at any level ... [but] you will find some cunt that ...

Other journalist How long is your contract for Joe? JK None of your business.

SB Well it is actually, because we cover the club. The club say you are here to the end of October, then you say six to eight games which would take it to the end of November. We are trying to clarify these issues. We are getting no straight answers from anyone.

How long are you here for. It is a dead simple question. And you don't know ...

JK I was told the length of contract. Then I was told that possibly the club could be sold in that time.

That is as far as I know. That's it finished. I don't know anything else. But I have been ridiculed.

He's trying to fucking hide, he's trying to do this or that.

There follows an exchange regarding the circumstances under which Kinnear had met the owner Mike Ashley and executive director (football) Dennis Wise.

Steve Brenner (football writer for the Sun) We are all grown men and can come in here and sit around and talk about football, but coming in here and calling people cunts?

JK Why? Because I am annoyed. I am not accepting that. If it is libellous, it is going to where I want it to go.

Newcastle press officer What has been said in here is off the record and doesn't go outside.

Journalist Well, is that what Joe thinks?

JK Write what you like. Makes no difference to me. Don't affect me I

52

assure you. It'll be the last time I see you anyway. Won't affect me.

See how we go at Everton and Chrissy [Chris Hughton, assistant manager] can do it, someone else can do it. Don't trust any of yous. I will pick two local papers and speak to them and the rest can fuck off. I ain't coming up here to have the piss taken out of me. I have a million pages of crap that has been written about me. I'm ridiculed for no reason. I'm defenceless. I can't get a point in, I can't say nothing, I can't do nothing, but I ain't going to be negative.

Then, half of you, most of you are trying to get into the players. I'm not going to tell you what the players think of you, so then you try and get into them in some way or another, so I've got a split camp or something like that, something like that. It's ongoing. It just doesn't stop.

Journalist It's only been a week.

JK Exactly. It feels more like a

year.

Journalist It's early days for you to be like this.

JK No, I'm clearing the air. And this is the last time I'm going to speak to you. You want to know why, I'm telling you. This is the last time. You can do what you like.

Journalist But this isn't going to do you or us any good.

JK I'll speak to the supporters. I'm going to tell them what the story is. I'm going to tell them. I don't think they'll interpret it any different, I don't think they'll mix it up, I don't think they'll miss out things. I mean, one of them last week said to me ... I was talking about in that press conference where you were there, I said something like "Well, that's a load of bollocks ..."

Journalist "Bollocks to that" is what you said.

JK Bollocks to that. And what goes after that?

Journalist That was it.

JK No it wasn't, no it wasn't.

What was after it? I don't know if it was your paper, but what went after it?

Journalist I don't know.

JK It even had the cheek to say "bollocks to Newcastle".

Journalist I didn't write that.

JK That was my first fucking day.

What does that tell you? What does that tell you?

Journalist Where was that?

Which paper said that?

JK I've got it. I can't remember. It was one of the Sundays, not a Saturday. It was a Sunday.

Journalist But you didn't say that to the Sundays, you said that to us.

That was during the Monday press conference.

JK I'll bring it in and show it to you. Why would I want to say that?

Journalist Are you saying that someone has reported you saying "bollocks to Newcastle?"

JK Yes. Lovely.

Journalist I don't know who's

reported that.

JK I'll tell you what, I'll bring it in.

Journalist That's obviously going to damage you. That's not a good thing. But I don't think someone's done that. We have to have some sort of relationship with you.

JK So have I. But I haven't come in here for you lot to take the piss out of me.

And if I'm not flavour of the month for you, it don't fucking bother me.

I've got a job to do. And I'm going to do it to the best of my ability. I'm not going to spend any more time listening to any crap or reading any crap. Stick to the truth and the facts.

And don't twist anything.

Journalist You know, you know the game ...

JK Of course I know, but I don't have to like it.

Journalist Today we'll print the absolute truth, that you think we're cunts, we can all fuck off and we're slimy. Is that fair enough?

JK Do it. Fine. Fucking print it. Am I going to worry about it? Put in also that it'll be the last time I see you. Put that in as well.

Good. Do it.

said and try and move on.

Journalist: Move on to not doing any more press conferences?

PO: No, to doing something now.

Journalist: What, one press conference only?

Much, much later after long discus(Silence) sions over whether Kinnear had Journalist: Any knocks? promised Alan Shearer and Kevin PO: Come on, let's go football.

Keegan would be returning to the Journalist: What are your plans club Press officer Let's get on to foot- for training in the next three days?

How's the training going? ball. Let's have an agreement that everything said so far, if anyone has JK It's going very well. No problems at all. got their tapes on, it's wiped off Journalist Enjoyed getting back in and we're not discussing it.

Journalist But that's what Joe has the swing of things?

JK Absolutely. I've loved every said he thinks of us. moment of it.

Press officer I'm saying don't push it. Let's accept what's been

53

These are genuine clips 50% are plain from British Council flat tenants, complaining to the Council about problems with their flats.

• My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

• He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

• It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow.

• I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6 a.m. His cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

• I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

• Our neighbor's 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

• Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

• My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

• I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

• Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

• I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

• 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and

filthy.

• I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

• The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.

• Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour & not fit to drink.

• I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

• The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

• Our kitchen floor is damp.

We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

• I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

Jersey".

If I had a rooster and you had a donkey and your donkey ate my rooster. What would you have? 2 ft. of my cock in your ass.

What is the difference between acne and a catholic priest?

Acne usually comes on a boys face after he turns 12

heello, iss tthhatt thhee sshhoop iii boouugghht thhee vviibbrrattorr ffrroomm. yes. ccaann yyoouu tteell mmee hhooww ttoo ttuurrnn tthhee ffuucckkiinngg tthhiinngg ooffff.

What's the difference between erotic and kinky?

Erotic = using a feather Kinky = using the whole chicken

On a cold, cold night two bulls are standing in a field.

One says "Boy it's mighty cold out here!", the other says "Yes, Why are men like cars?

Because they always pull out I think I might slip into a nice 54

before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.

What do you call an afghan virgin?

Never bin laid on.

How did Burger King get Diary Queen Pregnant?

He forgot to wrap his whopper.

If a firefighters business can go up in smoke, and a plumbers business can go down the drain, can a hooker get layed off?

A New Zealander walking along the road with a sheep under each arm.

He meets another New Zealander who says "you sheerin' mate?" and the first guy replies "naw, they're all mine"

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur.

A lickalotopus.

A man is driving

and share a double bed.

In the morning, the guy on the right said "I had this great dream last night, that a girl gave me a handjob" The guy on the left replied "That's weird so did I" Finally, the guy in the middle said "Lucky for you guys...I only dream't I was skiing"

happily along when he is pulled over by the police.

The copper approaches him and politely asks, "Have you been drinking, What's brown and sir?"

"Why?" snorts the man. "Is hides in the attic? there a fat ugly bird in my The Diarrhea Of Anne Frank. car?"

Three guys had to spend the night at a hotel

When I die, I want to go like my grandfather did -- in his sleep.

55

Not screaming like the passengers in his car.

market crashed.

Why is the book

man in a nudist colony?

It's not hard.

"Women Who Shag Too Much" a disappointment for many men?

No phone numbers!

What's the difference

What did the man with

between John Denver and the stock market?

People would cry if the stock

five penises say?

"These pants fit like a glove"

How do you find a blind

What goes click-clickclick..."Did I get it?"

Ray Charles doing Rubik's Cube.

How are women and rocks alike?

How can you pick out Guy walks into a bar with You skip the flat ones Ronald McDonald in a nudist jumper cables around his neck. colony?

Bartender says, "All right, I'll let How can you tell if your He's the one with sesame seed ya stay---but don't start wife is dead? buns. nuthin."

The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

Did you hear about the What did Raggedy Ann say flasher who was thinking of to Pinocchio as she was sitting What does a cannibal do retiring? on his face? after dumping his girlfriend?

He decided to stick it out for "Tell the truth! Tell a lie! Tell Wipes his ass. one more year. the truth! Tell a lie!

56

When a man talks nasty to a woman, it's sexual harassment.. What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man? â‚Ź3.99 a minute.

Light travels faster than Mahatma Gandhi, as you sound.

This is why some people apknow, walked barefoot most of pear bright until you hear them the time, which produced an speak. impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, Why do ghouls and demons What's the biggest which made him rather frail crime committed by transves- and with his odd diet, he sufhang out together?

Because demons are a ghoul's tites? fered from bad breath. This Male fraud. best friend. made him what?

A super callused fragile mystic What do you call two plagued with halitosis.

What do people do with Spaniards playing basketball? broken down cars in NewcasMy Whole Life In One Juan on Juan. tle.?

Picture.

Build a house next to them.

What is a Yankee?

What's considered bi- The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone. sexual in Wales?

What does the incestuous Campo family do on Halloween?

Pump kin.

Someone who likes sheep and goats.

Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided?

Both crews were marooned.

What do you call a pimp who doesn't like blow jobs?

A headless whoresman.

The pet shop owner told me that only one of the budgies was for sale. I asked him why and he told me the others were all on higher perches.

A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!"

The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down; you'll just have to be a little patient."

57

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe and they proceed to get blitzed. The giraffe drinks so much it passes out on the floor. The man gets up and heads for the door to leave when the bartender yells, “Hey! You can’t leave that lyin’ there!” The drunk replies, “That’s not a lion! It’s a giraffe.”

heard half these broads have the clap and that none of them would think twice about stealing every penny we’ve got.”

The second drunk says, “Not so loud, or they won’t let us in.”

A man was complaining to his friend, “I had it all - money, a magnificent house, a fast car, the love of a beautiful A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharma- woman… then, poof! It was all gone!” “What happened?” cist if he sells size extra large condoms. He replies, “Yes we asked the friend. “My wife found out.” do. Would you like to buy some?” She responds, “No sir, One day a mother but do you mind if I wait walked into the bathroom to around here until someone find her little son Tommy furidoes?” ously scrubbing his dick with a Two hookers were on a toothbrush and toothpaste.

“What the hell do you think street corner. They started discussing business, and one of you’re doing, young man?!” she the hookers said, “Gonna be a yelled. “Don’t try to stop me!” good night, I smell cock in the Johnny warned. “I’m gonna do air.” The other hooker looked this three times a day, because there’s no way I’m gonna get a at her and said, “No, I just cavity that looks and smells as burped.” bad as my sister’s.”

Two drunks are standing at the front door of a whorehouse. The first drunk says, “I

An old man woke up in the middle of the night and 58

found, to his utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years. He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous boner. “Check this out!” he happily exclaimed. “What do you think we should do with it?” With one eye open, his wife replied, “Well, now that you’ve got all the wrinkles out, now would be a good time to wash it.”

A policeman cruising past a pub after closing time notices two motorcycles still parked out front. The policeman goes round the back of the pub to find two bikers, one with his fingers up the ass of the other. “So what’s going on here?” he asks. The biker replies, “My mate here has had too much to drink and I’m trying to make him vomit.” The cop says, “I think you should be sticking your fingers down his THROAT.” The biker replies, “That’s what I’m going to do next!”

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A psychiatrist is

the podium at the man and says, “Do you addressing a group of mean to tell me that people who have all you have made love had experiences with with a ghost?” The the supernatural. He small man replies, “Oh asks, “Who here has No! I’m sorry. I couldseen a ghost?” Everyn’t hear you back here. one puts up their I thought you said hands. He then asks, “Who here has spoken ‘goat’.” with a ghost?” Half the audience puts up their A guy calls emerhands. “And who here gency… “Come immehas touched a ghost?” diately, my little son has swallowed a conTen percent of the dom!” After five mincrowd puts up their utes, the same man hands. He asks, “And calls back, ”It’s OK, I who here has made found another one.” love with a ghost?”

One small man in the back row puts up his Tom says to his hand… The psychiadoctor, “Doc, I had the trist looks down from worst dream of my life

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last night. I dreamt I was with twelve of the most beautiful chorus girls in the world.

Blondes, brunettes, redheads, and they were all dancing in a row.” The psychiatrist says, “Now hold on, Tom. That doesn’t sound so terrible.”

Tom says, “Oh yeah? I was the third girl from the end.”

all night?”

The little boy

kept pestering Grandpa, “Make a sound like a frog. Make a sound like a frog” until finally Grandpa says, “Just why do you want me to make a sound like a frog?” In reply, the boy says, “I heard Mom and Dad talking. They said that as soon as you croak, A lady says to the we can go to Florida.” psychiatrist, “I think I might be a nymphomaniac.” He says, “I’ll see what I can do to help you. My fee is eighty dollars an hour.” She says, “How much for

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It really is light relief to receive an email like the one below. I could just picture this guy giving it big licks on stage, hope he comes to the ‘Palace’ eh!

Cheers Lynn..

Hello, my name is Billy

$1000 to you, and everyone to whom you send 'his' email?

How stupid are we?

Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by a model I just happen to run into the next day!

What a bunch of bullshit.

Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and sodomise me in my sleep for not continuing a chain letter that was started by St Peter in 5AD and brought to this country by midget pilgrim stowaways on the Endeavour.

Fuck 'em!!

If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing.

I've seen all the 'send this to 10 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being' forwards about 90 times. I don't fucking

and I suffer from guilt for not forwarding 50 billion fucking chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe, if you send them on, a poor sixyear-old girl in Scotland with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her to a travelling freak show.

And, do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give 62

care.

Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out these forwards. Chances are, it's our own unpopularity.

The point being?

If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it.

If it's funny, send it on.

Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth who has been tied to the arse of a dead elephant for 27 years and whose only salvation is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this email.

Now forward this to everyone you know. Otherwise, tomorrow morning your underwear will turn carnivorous and will consume your genitals.

Have a nice day.

Billy Connolly PS Send me 15 bucks and then fuck off.

Distribution Agents for The Smuggler Magazine Ador: Monte Corona Restaurant. Alfaz: Spainsbury’s; Welcome Inn. Balcon al Mar: Jaspa’s Bar. Benissa: Café Pronto (in Iceland); Benitachell: Legend’s Bar. Calpe: The Internet Bar; New Chester’s Bar; Henry’s Fish and Chips; Cross Keys; Pueblo Bar; Pub Delfin. Denia: Bar Café Olé; Utopian Lounge; Dreams Bar (Las Marinas, km 12.5); Bar 55. Els Poblets: Arthur’s Bar. Jalon: Quick Save; Book & Card Shop; Lemon Tree Bar. Javea: Euro Bazar; Try Again Bar; Coastal Bar; Bomber’s Pub; Digby’s Bar; Inspirations; G-Spot; James the Barber; Sertel scp; Mono Loco; Zanzibar; Best Buys; Quo Vadis; Quick Save (Port & Arenal); Richmond Bar; Incodnito Fish and Chips; Bilbo’s Bar; Checker’s Pizza; Cheers Bar; English Bakers. La Llosa de Camacho: Bar Emilio. La Xara: Kelly’s of La Xara. Moraira: Hamiltons of London; The Lemon Tree Restaurant; S+W Tool Bar; Mojo’s Bar Bistro; Topper’s Fish and Chips; Tiffany’s Bar; Welcome Stranger. Moraira – Calpe Coast Rd: Tich’s Bar; Bar Fustera; Colby’s Bar; La Cascada; Cornish Pride; Chez Flo. Oliva: Quick Save; Magnolias Café Bar; Cornish Pride; La Brasa; Café Ole. Muir’s Bar. Costa Femeninas Orba: The New Forn Vell. Pedreguar: New Creative Design; Quick Save.

Teulada: Base Satellite.

Would you like to sell The Smuggler in your bar or business?

You keep half of all sales – We even pay the IVA for you!

Contact Paul on 690 345 135 Easy

Hard

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Anagrams Answers

Riddle Answers

1] - Lisa Stansfield 2] - Meat Loaf3] - Natalie Imbruglia 4] - Liam Gallagher 5] - Tori Amos 6] - Rod Stewart 7] - Kate Bush 8] - Marti Pellow 9] - Garry Glitter 10] - Christina Aguilera

1.Three. The doorman lets in those who answer with the number of letters in the word the doorman says.

2.The match.

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