Feb09

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Why is a joke ‘Funny’?

Paul Say’s, the tendency is toward acceptance of incongruity as the probable cause of laughter, and incongruity-based theories are slowly gaining ground, although other schools of thought still hold some favour. A common explanation of humour (in the broader sense of 'laughter-provoking') is based on language. Premises: as we interpret a text, we automatically consider what language says, supposes, doesn't say, and implies (this is the perspective of hermeneutics); the sentences we listen to and we tell, follow the universal conversational rules, that can be reduced to only one: be relevant.

John Say’s, if I read it and chuckle then I consider it funny. I do not sit and go through the P.C. thought process, decide who is watching, workout the implications of my laughter, before I either ‘Belly Laugh’ ‘Titter’ ‘Chuckle’ or ‘Simply Wet My Pants’ in response.

“As things started hotting up, a girl said to her boyfriend: 'Slow down, baby. Foreplay is an art.'

'Well, you'd better get your canvas ready soon,' he panted, 'because I'm about to spill my paint!'“ Remember the characters in this magazine are totally fictitious and bear no resemblance to any bar owners alive or dead. (Or Undead) We have spilt our paint over this Month’s Issue we hope you enjoy. (Ed & Team)

To Advertise in The Smuggler/Listenup Call: Paul (Denia-Javea-Calpe Area) 690 34 51 35 Paul (Costa Blanca South)

664 10 60 10

Lee (Inland Trading Area)

626 890 266

John (Oliva-Gandia-Pego Area)

646 47 20 39

Office 962855878 Fax 962855878

Email: editor@thesmuggler.es

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Deadline for adverts for the month of March is 20th February 09 The Smuggler takes no responsibility whatsoever on behalf of advertisers with regard to any claims made by, or information given in, advertisements contained within this publication. Under no circumstances can any part of this publication including text, illustrations, photographs or complete advertisements, be reproduced in any form without the express permission in writing of The Smuggler editor.

Letters to the Editor. editor@thesmuggler.es I have read your Magazine for many months and albeit at times just "down right rude" I have enjoyed many of the jokes and articles. Unfortunately you really blotted your copy book when you used your own magazine to make a joke about two local members of our community. How low and personal can you get? I am sure you know who I am refering to as does everyone else in this town. With your mentality I suppose an appology is out of the question????

One of many disatisfied customers.

Will NOT be buying again.

Chris Hyde Via E-mail (Printed as received) Dear Chris, Well bugger me it does seem as though I have upset you by getting things arse about face, so to speak.

If you are seeking an apology then so be it, I apologise. However as I write this I wonder if you will ever read it!

(Ed)

Leon, a Malaga in Altea, a Marbella in Cordoba, a Toledo on Ibiza, a Leon in Malaga, and an Altea outside the Alhambra.

Can any of your readers top that? I think not.

Billy-Bob Obama, Denia.

Dear Billy Your right that takes some beating and so would you I suspect if you cracked that one at the Wheeltapers & Shunters club.

(Ed) Dear Ed, Could I please add my voice to the long list of protestors demonstrating against Israels´ military attack on Gazza. It´s bad enough being a bankrupt pisshead ex-footballer, but to then have to put up with missile attacks and ground assaults!

Come-on…give the guy a break!

Jim E. Hill, Londonshire.

Dear Jim, Its only quite right that the BBC & Sky, like many a referee before them, have knocked back his appeal.

(Ed)

To the vast majority of readers who do not know what Chris is on about may I refer you to the joke Dear Editor about George & Ethel on page 16 Am I right in thinking that PAKI of last issue. is short for Pakistani? Just an abbreviation?

Dear Ed, Prince Harry calls a mate "Our I’m a Seat car enthusiast, and little Paki friend" and is forced have just completed a three to apologise two years later. month tour of Spain and the This guy was a mate of his for Balearics. Amazingly, I saw a heavens sake!

Seat Ibiza in Toledo, an AlhamAm I right in thinking that bra in Marbella, a Cordoba in

"Brit" is short for British?

Should the Sun newspaper be forced to apologise every time it prints the word Brit or The Brits are Coming? Is the word Brit offensive?

Is "Scot" offensive? "The Scots are coming". Another Sun Newspaper Football Clash Headline classic.

What about Ozzie? Kiwi? Pommie? Limey? Where or when will this lunacy end?

If a Pakistani called you "His Brit friend" would you feel offended? Would you demand an apology on national TV ? Of course not.

The supreme idiots are at it again trying to stir up racial hatred. It's just madness surely?

I'm happy being a Brit, British, English, Pommie Bastard, Limey or whatever. I don't care a fig.

I only care when I'm called a racist.

John Ponnce, La Drova Dear John, What can I say other than ’Whinging Brit’.

(Ed)

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.

On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.

That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.

That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

On the third day, the Army

issued him a jock strap.

A: It's called, "The In's The Army has been look- and Out's of Child Rearing for Herman for 51 ing. years.

At an auction in A man walks into Tel Aviv a wealthy a bar and orders two American announced drinks. As the bartender that he had lost his wallet watches he drinks one containing $10,000 and drink and pours the would give a reward of other one on his hand. $100 to the person who He orders two more found it. From the back drinks and does the of the hall a little Jewish same thing. The third guy shouted, "I'll give time the bartender asks $150!" him what's going on.

"Why are you pouring My grandpa started that drink on your hand"? walking five miles a day Theman smiles at him, when he was 60.. winks and says "I'm trying Now he's 97 years old to get my date drunk." and we don't know where the f**k he is.

Three Pastors from the south were having I like long walks, lunch in a diner. One especially when they are said, "Ya know, since taken by people who summer started I've been annoy me. having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at The only reason I church. I've tried every- would take up walking thing-noise, spray, catsis so that I could hear nothing seems to scare heavy breathing again. them away.

Another said, "Yea, me I have to walk early in too. I've got hundreds the morning, living in my belfry and in before my brain figures the attic. I've even had out what I'm doing. the place fumigated, and they won't go away."

The third said, "I baptized The advantage of all mine, and made them exercising every day members of the church... is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, she looks Haven't seen one back good doesn't she.' since!"

If you are going to try Q: Have you heard about cross-country skiing, Michael Jackson's New start with a small Book? country.

A father put his three-year- never seen you work so late,

old daughter to bed, told her a what's the matter?"

He said, "I don't want to talk story, and listened to her about it. I've just spent the prayers which she ended by worst day of my life." saying: "God bless She said, "You think you had a Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, and good- bad day. You'll never believe what happened to me.......... bye Grandpa."

This morning my golf pro The father asked, "Why did dropped dead in the middle of you say good-bye Grandpa?" my lesson!"

The little girl said, "I don't know Daddy, it just seemed like the A man and his wife were driving home one very cold thing to do." The next day night when the wife asks her Grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coinci- husband to stop the car.

There was a baby skunk lying at dence.

A few months later the father the side of the road, and she put the girl to bed and listened got out to see if it was still to her prayers, which went like alive. It was, and she said to her this: "God bless Mommy, God husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, Bless Daddy. And good-bye get it warm, and let it go in the Grandma."

The next day the grandmother morning? "He says, "OK, Get in died. Oh my gosh, thought the the car with it."

The wife says, father, this kid is in contact "Where shall I with the other side. Several weeks later when the girl was put it to get it going to bed, the dad heard her warm?"

He says, "Put it say: "God bless Mommy and between your good-bye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. legs. It's nice He couldn't sleep all night and and warm got up at the crack of dawn to there."

"But what go to his office. He was nervabout the ous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in, and watched the clock. smell?" said the wife.

He figured if he could get by until midnight, he would be "Just hold its okay. He felt safe in the office, little nose." so instead of going home at the end of the day, he stayed there, Two coudrinking coffee, looking at his ples were watch, and jumping at every playing poker sound. Finally midnight one evening. arrived. He breathed a sigh of Jim accidentally relief and went home. When dropped some he got home his wife said, "I've

cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress!

Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments.

Bob's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?' Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you ÂŁ500.'

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.

Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim

should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 p..m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of £500 - they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.

Jim quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked his wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'

With a lump in her throat Sue answered, 'Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes

this afternoon.' Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, 'And did he give you £500?

Sue, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes, in fact he did give me £500.'

Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'He came by the office this morning and borrowed £500 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'

Cyd the Cynic French Facts Continuing the grand Smuggler tradition of inventing facts about anything we want to take the piss out of, here is a list of interesting facts about France.

You may be surprised to learn that all of the following are absolutely true, as long as you promise not to do any research on them.

Inventions: France is the birthplace of the Tour de France.

Cooking: French cooking is known for being exceedingly old fashioned, and makes little use of modern super-foods, like Smash or Pot Noodle.

Relations with the English: The French have fought the English, ruled the English, forgot the English, fought some more with the English, and are now friends with the English.

To use a metaphor today’s generation will understand: they are the Ross and Rachel of Europe (with, I hope, the English being Ross!).

Headwear: The beret was invented in the 1880s by a Frenchman to keep his head warm while he was riding his bicycle and wearing a stripey shirt. For this reason in British culture the beret is regarded warily (apart from those brief four months when they became trendy because Samuel L. Jackson wore one once). But also recall that berets are worn in great numbers by military men, which as a rule are a group that doesn’t take any shit

from spindlyarmed magazine columnist.

So…as I was saying, berets are fine headwear.

Language: The French speak French, which is very similar to Spanish, only with more words for ‘cheese’.

Not theirs: Jean Claude Van Damme is not French, so any kudos they have received because of his French-sounding accent is not deserved!

Military History (part I): The French military is most fondly remembered as getting beaten like a ginger stepchild in two out of two world wars.

But I feel that’s a little unfair, after all, any country unfortunate enough to be placed next to Germany could be described as being at least a little unlucky.

Military History (part II): On the plus side, let’s not forget how France won the American Revolutionary War. As most American’s know, the war was lost by the British when Sir General Reginald Fancypants was killed by Mel

Gibson on top of Mount Rushmore by a Harley-Davidson motorcycle. However, this ignores the contributions of the French, who supported the Americans during the war. In fact, the final act of the war occurred when the French built the Statue of Liberty, delivered it to the gates of America, and tricked the British into taking it inside. At which point the

French troops concealed within poured out and succeeded in winning America. If you go to Ellis island today, be sure to find the commemorative plaque reading “To the lady who had one hundred and fifty Frenchmen up in her: Our Nation is Forever Grateful”. I’m told it’s hard to find.

Wine: The French didn’t invent wine. That was probably done thousands of years ago in a cave when someone drank some stepped on grapes, got into a fist fight, then declared he could take on a leopard (Karaoke was invented in similar circumstances later that week). But, in present times, the French are definitely known for both the quality of their wine, and their liberal

attitude towards its consumption, as evidenced by their national motto: “Liberté, Equalité, Fraternité” (loosely: Let’s drink wine right now, brothers!)

Work life: The French have a legendary short work week, with the average Frenchman working only 35 hours a week.

On top of that is the 6–8 weeks of holiday they get every year. And when you add on the 14 National Holidays, and two weeks of mandatory annual strikes, the typical Frenchman works just 23 minutes a week. Hence the phrase “As industrious as a Frenchman” has fallen out of common usage.

Sex: As every schoolboy knows, the French invented sex. They gave the world the

‘69’, menége á trios and syphilis.

Sex is still very popular in France.

Metric System: France is the birthplace of the metric system.

Which, unlike the French, actually works.

Ancestors: The ancestors of the French were the Gauls, most famously depicted in the pages of the Asterix comic books. These comics told the stories of a group of friendly and cheerful Gauls who got into all sorts of hilarious mishaps, and used the powers of homemade amphetamines to viciously brutalise any approaching Italians. These comics are very popular in France.

Eiffel Tower: The Eiffel Tower is probably the most famous symbol of France, and

was originally constructed in 1889 to give a jump-start to the French postcard industry.

Mascot: The national mascot of France is the skunk, to honour the annual French pastime of finding a cat that has accidentally got a white stripe painted down its back, then trying to have sex with it.

Architecture: In the 17th century, the French king Louis XIV (who a Spanish fellow once told me was pronounced ‘chiv’) commissioned the building of Versailles, an enormous complex of mansions and parks, and probably the most opulent place ever conceived. Seriously, it makes whatever Vanilla Ice is living in these days look like a place ducks go to shit.

Well that’s about it on our whistle stop tour of France. I hope the above facts have opened your eyes to the beauty and wonder of the fascinating country that lies to our north. Perhaps on your next trip back to the UK you’ll regard France as so much more than an expensive motorway with third-world toilets. Au revoir!

What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK? No problem at all nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it.

I go out like a light.

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the nurse in charge.

What are you people doing, he says.

I'm told you're giving an 85year-old Viagra on a daily basis.

Surely that can't be true?

Oh, yes, replies the nurse.

Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet.

It works wonderfully well.

The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed.

A married

couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restauA man goes to visit his rant. Suddenly, a 85-year-old grandpa in the hos- tiny yet beautiful pital. fairy appeared How are you grandpa? he asks. on their Feeling fine," says the old man. table. She said, What's the food like?

'For being such Terrific, wonderful menus. an exemplary What about the nursing? married couple Just couldn't be better. and for being These young nurses really take loving to each care of you. other for all this

time, I will grant you each a wish..' The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.'

The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.'

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female.....

A suicide bomber runs into a pet shop and yells, 'You've all got one minute to get out!'

The tortoise at the back of the shop shouts, 'You c*nt!'

the other guy.

'My wife’s epileptic'.

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband Why are women like clouds? Eventually they fuck off stalking around with a fly swatter and it’s a really nice day.

'What are you doing?' she asked.

A man walks into a petrol 'Hunting flies' he station and says, 'Can I please responded. have a KitKat Chunky?' The 'Oh. ! Killing any?' lady behind the till gets him a she asked.

KitKat Chunky and brings it 'Yep, 3 males, 2 back to him. 'No,' says the Females,' he reman, 'I wanted a normal plied.

KitKat, you fat bitch.'

Intrigued, she asked "how can you tell them apart?"

My wife, being unhappy He responded, with my mood swings, bought 3 were on a beer can, me one of these mood rings so 2 were on the phone. she could monitor my mood.

We discovered that, when I am As they were loading in a good mood, it turns green the plane to return, and, when I am in a bad mood, the pilot said the it leaves a big fucking big red plane could take only mark on her forehead. four moose.

The two lads objected strongly. 'Last year we when an old lady came up to shot six. me and asked to check her The pilot let us take balance. So I pushed her over. them all and he had the same plane as I had a dog named yours.'

Minton who had an unfortuReluctantly, the pilot nate habit of eating shuttlegave in and all six cocks. Bad Minton! were loaded.

However, even on full Two Men in a pub and power, the little plane one is riding a Bucking Bronco couldn't handle the Machine. He lasts over 10 min- load and went down.

Somehow, surutes. 'Crikey mate, that was rounded by the impressive!' moose bodies, Paddy 'I get lots of practice,' replied and Mick survived the

I was at a cash machine

crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, 'Any idea where we are?'

Mick replied, 'I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year.'

Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?' 'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.

I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.' A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says, 'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?' Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book. The cabby turns around and says,

'Geez Bob, you picked up a real attacks in Mumbai, Muslim terrorists have stormed the bitch this time.' streets of Bradford, and are shooting anyone with a British California vintners in Passport. police fear that the the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, death toll could be as high as 2.

Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio EU Directive No. 456179 wines, have developed a new In order to meet the condihybrid grape that acts as an tions for joining the Single anti-diuretic.

European currency, all citizens It is expected to reduce the of the United Kingdom of number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware during the night.

The new wine will be marketed that the phrase 'Spending a Penny' is not to be used after as PINO MORE! 31st December 2009.

I got this from ‘THE GRAPEFrom this date, the correct VINE’. terminology will be: 'Euronating'.

Encouraged by the

FROM THE OFFICE OF OSAMA BIN LADEN, CAVE 7422, TORA BORA.

so we need to sweep the cave daily. I’ve done my bit on the cleaning rota – have you? I’ve posted a sign-up sheet near the INTERNAL MEMORANDUM cave reception area (next to the halal toaster).

To all Jihadists; Second, it’s not often I make a video address, but when I do I’m Subject: The Cave (not for trying to scare the shit out of most external distribution) of the world’s population, okay?

Hi Guys. We’ve all been putting in That means that while we’re taping, please do not ride your long hours recently but we’ve scooter in the background or keep really come together as a group doing the ‘wassup’ thing. Thanks. and I love that! However, while we continue to fight the infidels we Third – Food. I bought a box of Dairylea recently. I clearly wrote can’t forget to take care of the cave, and frankly I have a few con- ‘Ossy’ on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, two of my cerns.

Dairylea slices were gone. ConsidFirst of all, while it’s good to be eration – that’s all I’m saying. concerned about cruise missiles, Fourth, I’m not against team spirit we should be even more concerned about the dust in our cave. and all that, but we must distance ourselves from the infidel’s ball We want to avoid excessive dust inhalation (a health & safety issue!) games. Please do not chant “Ozzy,

ozzy, ozzy, oi, oi, oi.” when I ride by on the donkey. Thanks.

Fifth – Graffiti. Whoever wrote “OSAMA FUCKS DONKEYS” on the group toilet wall – it’s a lie.

The donkey backed into me whilst I was reliving myself at the edge of the mountain.

Sixth, the use of chickens is strictly for food. Assam – the old excuse that the ‘chicken backed into me whilst I was reliving myself at the edge of the mountain’ will not be accepted in future (with donkeys, there is a grey area).

Finally, we’ve heard that there may be Western soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammad, Abdul, Akbar and Dave.

Love you lots, Group hug, Ossy

Have you heard? Ikea are doing food now. I bought a chicken there last week. It only had one leg and no instructions on how to cook it.

I’m well pissed off! I bought an advent calendar for the kids last time I was back in the UK. Problem was, I bought it from Woolies, didn’t I. When the kids opened up the window for the 23rd of December the bloody thing was boarded up, weren’t it!

pany that makes miniature computers? Things are going so well for them that they’re already looking for smaller premises.

Have you tried those new Korean Meat Balls in Lidl yet?

They’re absolutely brilliant, the dog’s bollocks!

This chap had a sex change.

One night he’s sitting in the pub and one of his mates says to him, “Did it hurt when they cut off you testicles and penis?”

“Well, yeah,” he replies, “But Did you hear about the blonde that went into a library? not as much as when they shrank my brain and widened She said, “Double cheesemy mouth.” burger, large fries and a diet coke, please.” The librarian There was this terrible said, “Hellooo! This is a liearthquake in Pakistan. A team brary!” of rescuers were searching “Oh, I’m sorry,” said the through the rubble for surviblonde. Then she whispered, vors when they heard this “Double cheeseburger, large weak voice call out, “Please… fries and a diet coke, please.” don’t go… we’re still open!”

I was reading in the paper Women, eh? Liposuction, the other day about how this wax-based hair removal, dwarf got his pocket picked in tummy tucks, implants, nipple Javea market. How could anypiercing, belly button piercing, one stoop so low! even bloody clit piercing! Teeth whitening. And after all that Did you hear about the they won’t let us do anal ‘cause secretary who slept with her it hurts!’ boss on a Sunday? She gave him the time and a half of his A little old lady decides she life. wants to join a motorbike club.

Did you hear about the gay She ambles up to the clubhouse door and knocks. This big, doctor? Now he’s qualified he’s working hard to become a hairy, tattooed biker opens up. queer nose and throat special- “I want to join your club and be a biker,” the old woman ist. says.

Did you hear about the com-

“Well,” says the biker, slightly bemused, “There are some entry requirements.”

“Name them,” says the lady.

“Do you have a bike?”

“That’s my Harley over there,” she says, pointing to a beautiful ElectraGlide Ultra Classic.

“Perfect for nipping to the shops.”

“That’ll do. Do you drink beer?

“Well, not really, but I do enjoy an occasional glass of sherry after evensong.”

“That’ll do. Do you have any tattoos?”

“No, but I’ve got some very attractive stains in the most shocking places.”

“That’ll do. Final question; have you ever been picked up by the fuzz.”

“No, but I’ve been swung round by the tits.”

The Smuggler’s Guide to Fun Things To Do In A Large Department Store.

Hide boxes of ‘Rough Rider’ condoms in your trolley. Drop them into other people’s trolleys when they aren’t looking.

Make sure you get to stand behind them in the check out queue and ‘tut’ loudly when they pick them up.

Set all the alarm clocks on display to go off at 5-minute intervals.

Leave a trail of tomato juice on the floor, leading to the toilets.

Walk up to one of the dumber looking employees and say in an official tone, “Code 3 hardware, that’s a code 3 hardware!

Go, go, go!” and see what happens.

Move the sign saying, “Caution – Wet Floor” to a carpeted area.

Sit in one of the tents on display. As other customers walk by tell them they can only come in if they bring their own pillows and blankets from the bedding section. Add in a conspiratorial tone that there are plenty of good things to eat in the bakery section.

When one of the sales people ask if they can help you start to cry and whimper, “Why can’t

one next to you. Then call out, “Excuse me, but there’s no paper in this one. Can you help Get up close to a security cam- me, please? era. Use it as a mirror and start Dart around the store in a susto pick your nose. Examine the picious way, humming the Mission Impossible theme. results of your picking before wiping them on the lens.

Ask at the customer services Hide in a rack of clothing. As desk if you can have a bag of Maltezers on tick. When they customers flick through the refuse say you might consider rack poke your head out and moving up to a bag of Revels, say, “Pick Me!” but ask what terms can they When an announcement comes offer. over the PA system, fall to the If the store has a gun section floor and curl up in the foetal spend some time admiring the position moaning, “It’s the shotguns. When approached by voices again. IT’S THE a sales person ask them if the VOICES AGAIN!” store sells anti-depressants.

Wait in one of the changing cubicles until someone is in the you people just leave me alone?”

His & Her Dictionary Bargain (Baa-gin) n.

Female – Anything that has been recently bought, which the husband asks about.

Male – When something you need to buy is at a reduced price.

Clitoris (cleet-er-rus) n.

Female – A vital part of a woman’s genitalia, the stimulation of which is necessary for orgasm to occur.

Male – Fuck knows.

Commitment (ko-mit-ment) n.

Female – A desire to get married and raise a family.

Male – Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

Communication (ko-myooni-kay-shon) n.

Female – The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.

Male – Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

Entertainment (en-ter-taynment) n.

Female – A good film, concert, play or book.

Male – Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

Flatulence (flach-u-lunce) n.

Female – An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.

Male – A source of endless entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

Friend (freynd) n.

Female – Someone to share dreams with, laughter with, hopes with, troubles with.

Someone who you can rely on and who can rely on you.

Male – Someone you’ve got pissed with.

Making Love (may-king luv) phrasal verb.

Female – The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.

Male – Call it what you want just as long as we do it.

Poet (poh-it) n.

Female – A writer with the ability to express our deepest feelings, desires and thoughts.

Male – An airy-fairy twat who should get a proper job.

Quick pint (kwik pynt) phrasal noun.

Female – A drink in a bar, which should last about 30 minutes.

Male – A drink in a bar, which could last anything from 4 hours to 2 days.

Shoes (shews) n.

Female – Footwear that speaks volumes about their owners, incl. fashion sense, style, taste, financial status, sexual mood etc. Much time and money must be spent to get them just right. Impossible to have too many.

Male – Should be change when they start to flap.

Thingy (thing-ee) n.

Female – Any part under a car’s bonnet.

Male – The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.

Vulnerable (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.

Female – Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.

Male – Playing cricket without a cup.

Costa Blanca Prostitutes ‘Struggling to make ends meet’ ‘Credit Crunch’ now hitting whores!

The price of sex on the Costa Blanca’s streets has now fallen Remote Control (ri-mote for the eighth month in a row, kon-trohl) n. giving rise to fears of a global Female – A device for changing meltdown in the industry, it has from one TV channel to anbeen reported. other.

Prostitutes in Benidorm are now charging their lowest Male – A device for scanning through all 375 channels every prices for more than 30 years, and the effects of the ailing 5 minutes. global economy, the credit crunch and the downturn in An Old Slag (owd slaag) n.

Female – Any of your partner’s the building sector mean the situation can only worsen. ex-girlfriends.

Male – A woman with sensible The price of a kiss, for instance, is now just €1.50 in sexual morals. some areas, whilst a snog is

only marginally more at expensive at €2.50. Touching a prostitutes bottom will cost you €3.00, whilst having a feel of a breast is now just €3.50, although vigorously rubbing both breasts at once remains pegged at €5.00, as per an EU directive.

The shock figures are from a detailed report by the Spanish Tourist Board in which the top tourist attractions on the Costa Blanca have been investigated. What makes the report particularly worrying is the fact that the sex market has traditionally been one of the most robust sectors in Spain.

A large portion of the prostitutes’ income is from British pensioners, who due to the struggling value of the pound against the euro are finding it hard to pay for bingo, afternoon drinking and the odd blowjob. Other sections of the community who use to be heavy users of prossies, but are now finding it hard to maintain their usual levels of bedroom gymnastics are magazine columnists and Woolworth employees. However, local government workers are still reported to be bonking as usual.

Reporters from The Smuggler delved deep with their own investigation into the state of the area’s prostitutes. The general opinion seemed to be that they are having to work harder to maintain satisfaction levels.

One old prossie, who operates in Gandia, and offers full sex with a smile for just €16.99

said, “It’s harder now. The punters want it all on the cheap, but, at the end of the day, it’s better than villa cleaning or bar work, innit?”

Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (made in JAPAN) for 6am.

While his coffeepot (made in CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (made in HONG KONG).

He put on a clean shirt (made in SRI LANKA), designer jeans (made in SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (made in KOREA).

After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (made in INDIA), he sat down with his calculator (made in MEXICO) to see how much he could spend today.

After setting his watch (made in TAIWAN) to the radio (made in INDIA), he got in his car (made in GERMANY) and went to fill it with petrol (from SAUDI ARABIA) He then spent the rest of the day at the job centre, wondering why he couldn't get a f*****g job in ENGLAND!

Smile Gentlemen Please.

Aggravated Auntie Problem Solver To The Ex-Pat Family.

Q. I have got lots of friends

Auntie says: Is she very old?

who are blokes but none of them seem to fancy me.

They always just treat me as a mate even though I try and give off sexy signals and even wear my sexy silk panties when I go out in the hope one of them will take things further but they never do and if anything, they seem to be keeping their distance more these days. With Valentine’s Day coming up, I am desperate to know where I am going wrong.

(F. The Montgo)

Salmonella?

you “connect” with your mates.

Q. I got an electric

Q. I was driving down the

toothbrush for Christmas but every time I use it, I get really turned on. Do you think there is something wrong with me?

Auntie says: I am wondering exactly where you are poking your toothbrush. You do realize it is for putting in your mouth and not in your furry front bottom don’t you?

Q. My problem is, I don’t have any problems and I feel Auntie says: Are you a man? a bit left out when I am talkI suspect you are and you are ing to all my mates who all scaring off your male friends seem to be having a hard with this kind of behaviour.

There are clubs and organiza- time of it at the moment. I have a good job, lovely wife, tions for people like you so I have sex at least 5 times a suggest you join one of those and stop stalking your mates week, my kids are wellwho are clearly not into bum- adjusted and I can afford to gardening. pay my mortgage. How can I “connect” with my mates, Q. My husband’s mother most of whom are getting wants to come out to visit us divorced and are out of AGAIN in February. She is work. a very fussy eater and doesn’t like “foreign food”. She Auntie says: I suggest you won’t even eat egg and chips move to the heart of Denia and take up binge drinking on a incase it has been fried in “foreign” olive oil. This will regular basis. This will cause be her 4th visit in a year and I you to lose your wallet, your job, your wife (having slept am getting fed up with her with her best friend), your and her fussy ways. What house and your idyllic lifestyle. can I give her?

This should be enough to help

N332 the other day and I fancied some oranges so approached a (scantily clad, I have to say) orange seller. I don’t speak much Spanish but managed to mime peeling and eating a juicy orange and she seemed to understand. The price was quite a bit more than I expected but I was too polite to refuse.

Then to my surprise she climbed in the car and gave me the best blow job I have ever had in my life. I was so surprised I left without my oranges. Anyway, now I can’t stop thinking of my lovely orange-seller and get a hard-on whenever I see an orange. Should I go back and see her again. She obviously liked me.

Auntie says: I am sorry to have to tell you that you have had a sexual liaison with a prostitute, not an orangeseller. In my experience women don’t usually give blowjobs if they can possibly avoid it unless it is for monetary gain or in some cases if there is a promise of say, a three piece suite for the lounge.

drivers how to ‘Tunnel Crash’ and walk away.

The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says to him, 'What a Great chest you have!'

He tells her, 'That's 100 lbs of dynamite, Baby.'

He takes off his trousers and the blonde says,' What massive calves you have!'

The body builder tells her, Rumours Ronaldo dived from 'That's 100 lbs of dynamite, car before it hit the barrier.

Baby.'

He then removes his The first thing he said to the underwear and the blonde goes police was that the wall was running out of the apartment not 10yrds away screaming in fear.

The body builder puts his I heard Alex Ferguson is clothes back on and chases claiming that Ferrari does not after her. He catches up to her give Ronaldo enough protecand asks why she ran out of tion. the apartment like that.

The blonde replies, 'I was afraid Witnesses at the scene of to be around all that dynamite Ronaldos crash say he was only after I saw how short the fuse lightly tapped from behind, was!' when all of a sudden the car flipped and rolled over 10 times!!

Apparently witnesses in other cars who saw the incident, said that Ronaldo's car was accelerating towards the tunnel, when it suddenly and inexplicable seemed to flip over, with absolutely no contact with any other vehicles.

The police arrived, and immediately following directions from Ronaldo, arrested the nearest car driver.

Harrods boss Mr Fyed has hired Ronaldo to teach his

The funniest of 2009 Actual writings in a Hospital Register 1. The patient refused autopsy.

2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

4. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 Kilo weight gain in the past three days.

5. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

6. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

7. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

8. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

The Italian Lover, a

and asked, You finish? virile middle aged Italian gentle- Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled men named Guido was relaxing at his favourite bar in closer to him and softly said.

No. Rome when he managed to Stunned, but damned if he was attract a spectacular young going to leave this woman blond woman. Things progressed to the point where he unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using led her back to his apartment the last of his strength, he and, after some small talk, barely managed it, but they they retired to his bed ended together screaming, room where he rattled her bucking, clawing and ripping the senseless. bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido After a pleasant interlude, he fell onto his back, gaspasked with a smile, So, you ing. Barely able to turn his finish? She paused for a second, frowned, and replied. No. head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. again, You finish?

Barely able to speak, the beauThis time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams tiful blond whispered in his ear. No, I Norwegian. of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, Guido smiled

The Man Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally, the guys' side of the story.

We always hear 'the rules' from the female point of view.

Now here are the rules from the male side.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down.

You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon. Or the changing of the tides.

Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.

Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work!

Strong hints do not work!

Obvious hints do not work!

Just say it!

1. 'Yes' and 'No' are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.

That's what we do.

Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.

Don't ask us.

Please note..

1. If something we said can be These are all numbered '1' ON interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or PURPOSE! angry, we meant the other 1. Men are NOT one . mind readers.

1. You can either ask us to do

something, or tell us how you want it done.

Not both.

If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.

Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A colour.

Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. I am in shape.

Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that?

It's like camping.

Wanda's dishwasher

quit working so she called in a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the 1. If it itches, it will be repairman, 'I'll scratched. We do that. leave the key under the mat. Fix the dish1. If we ask what is wrong and washer, leave the bill on the you say 'nothing,' we will act counter, and I'll mail you a like nothing's wrong cheque.'

We know you are lying, but it Oh, by the way don't worry is just not worth the hassle. about my dog Spike. He won't bother you.

1. If you ask a question you But, whatever you do, do don't want an answer to, NOT, under ANY circumExpect an answer you don't stances, talk to my parrot!' want to hear.

'I MUST STRESS TO YOU: DO NOT TALK TO MY 1. When we have to go some- PARROT!!!' where, absolutely anything you When the repairman arrived at wear is fine... Really .

Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the big1. Don't ask us what we're gest, meanest looking dog he thinking about unless you are has ever seen. prepared to discuss such topics But, just as she had said, the as football or golf. dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go 1. You have enough clothes. about his work.

The parrot, however, drove 1. You have too many shoes.

him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, 'Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!'

To which the parrot replied, 'Get him Spike!'

“Just for information Lamb prices are up in Wales....

It's now £5 / hour!!”

The Ragged Clown/The Coming War

they could be cajoled into fighting wars for one or more of the three ‘traditional’ reasons – Let’s face it. Things are getting land, politics or religion – they bad. The current economic have now had a taste of what crisis is really starting to bite. most wars were really all about Even I’m suffering! Just the – MONEY! They have had a other day I found myself snort- taste of the good life, quality ing cocaine off an averagefood, fine wine, clean underlooking whore’s breasts. I felt wear, and let me tell you, they so defiled I threw up a load of are not going to give it up withChateaux Lafitte Rothschild all out a fight! over one of the leather seats in But fear not! I have produced my personal jet, Airforce Fun. a handy ‘cut-out-and-keep’ So where is it all going to end? guide to help you survive the In a war of course! Rich coming upheavals. But first up, against poor. The reason? you need to know which side Well let’s be honest, the poor you will be fighting for. Are are not really poor anymore. you rich or poor? This simple In the UK even the most imquiz should act as a guide: poverished wretch has a state of the art mobile phone, with 1. If you were a pair of trouintegrated internet browsing, sers, what kind would you be? email, 5 million mega pixel a. The kind sitting in the camera and video conferencing driver’s seat of an Aston Martin capabilities. His clothes will be Vanquish. designer (or at the very least a b. The kind covering the top ‘brand’), his home will have ‘lower’ person of Jim Royale, of at least one wide-screen The Royale Family fame. plasma TV with surround sound, and he will almost certainly have access to soft toilet 2. If the head of an animal was found in your home, would it paper.

Even in traditional ‘developing’ be? countries poverty is not what it a. For interior decoration. use to be. For example, due to b. For tomorrow’s dinner. the widespread speaking of English in India, and the dump- 3. If you opened your wallet ing of all our ‘out-of-date’ PCs right now, what would you find into their schools and colleges, inside? they have gone from the Stone a. No idea. It’s being carried Age to the space age in one by my butler, and he’s in the generation. China? They could other wing. buy us and sell us a dozen b. No idea. I sold my wallet times over. to give the money to charity, You see, the poor have got couldn’t decide on which was money, and with that, they’ve the most worthy, so bought gin got wise. Where in the past

instead.

4. Your preferred mode of transport comes with. a. Complimentary back and neck massage. b. Free newspaper to wrap around your stumps.

5. What is your broker most likely to say to you? a. Daddy! b. Who are you? Get away from me! God above, you stink!

6. When talking about your ‘family seat’, you are referring to; a. A 40-roomed mansion in Berkshire.

B. A cracked, stained, unattached piece of plastic that sits precariously on the top of the sewer pipe in your bathroom.

If you answered mainly a’s, you are probably rich, if you answered mainly b’s, or you couldn’t answer the questions due to literacy problems, you are probably poor.

So now you know which camp you’re in, it’s time to move on to the next stage: How you’re going to fight the war. I’ve divided the advice into two parts, one for the rich, one for the poor. No peeking now!

Just read the advice applicable to you.

Poor People First thing you need is weapons. Haven’t got any? Think again. That’s not just a cup of

coffee in your hand; it doubles as a hand grenade. That pen in your pocket, it could make a vicious stabbing tool. What about that Smith & Wesson .38 your dad left you? Sell it and buy some more pens.

Another tip is to always prioritise your looting. That plasma screen TV might look pretty appealing right now, but once food starts getting scarce, you’re going to wish you’d gone for the tins of beans option instead.

Next up: strength in numbers.

The poor outnumber the rich by thousands to one; use that to your advantage. If the rich are hiding in a tower, piles of corpses stacked up against the wall will enable you climb up

and attack them. Pinned down by enemy fire? The dead bodies of your comrades will provide a handy protective shield.

OK, what happens if you get captured? First option is to play the pity card. You know, start crying and blubbering, saying something like, “Oh, but I’m only poor. I never had a chance.” If they take pity, as soon as they turn their backs on you go for the stabbing pen trick I mentioned earlier. Second option is the disgust card.

As a poor person you may be use to the smell of excrement and rotting vegetables, but let me assure you, the rich are not. Do all you can to cultivate a rich, earthy smell (even by poor people’s standards). They

won’t be able to attack you if they’re struggling to keep their lunches down.

Final tip: When the war is won, and your new country’s constitution is being written, try to get involve as much as possible. If you can, get yourself named president. You might not think it’s a very good idea at the time, but later on, you’ll thank me for it.

Rich People Preparation is the key for rich people. You can afford to get ‘tooled up’ now, the poor can’t. They’re going to wait till the last minute because every penny they’ve got goes on food, booze, drugs and telephone voting for The X Factor.

You might feel you’d rather save the money, but trust me, buying weapons before the war starts will save you money in the long run. My experience as a gunrunner taught me that the price of weapons goes up as soon as the fighting starts. If you really don’t want to spend any money on weapons, improvise. A sack with a heavy set of candelabra in it, being swung around your head, will make even the most hardened poor person think twice.

Another thing: Cars. Did you know that cars kill 1.2 million (mostly poor) people every year! Yeah, not many is it?

Let’s try to get that number up to more respectable levels.

Instruct you chauffer to be a bit more aggressive, fit bull bars, buy cheaper brake fluid, whatever it takes. Every poor person you remove now is one less to worry about once the war brakes out, sorry, breaks out.

What if you’re captured? My advice is to act poor. Eat chips from a foam tray, say ‘ain’t’, scratch your self in public, especially the genital area, things like that. For God’s sake don’t get pissed and start telling stories about how you use to fag for Gyles Brandreth.

Final tip: Remember, this is a war of ideas. So always go for the headshot.

ence, I hope you strive to make the world a far, far, far better place than it is now. Oh, I’m not naïve enough to think that the whole world could ever be as good as Benidorm, but let’s at least have it as something to aim for.

Two aliens landed in the

Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.'

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response. The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this I hope the above helps. way! Take us to your leader or Whichever sides wins, and I will fire!' as I was saying to my pair of The older alien again warned Swedish manicurists just the his comrade saying, 'You other day, I have no prefer- probably don't want to do that!

I really don't think you should make him mad.'

'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me!

How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels,

you don't want to mess with a guy who can wrap his penis around himself twice and then stick it in his ear.'

eral blocks away."

Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"

A: "The officer who responded to the scene."

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defence attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility...

Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"

A: "Yes, sir. With my life."

Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer.

Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"

A: "Yes sir, we do!"

Q: "Officer --did you see my client fleeing the scene?"

A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of Q: "And do you have a the offender, running sev- locker in the room?"

A: "Yes sir, I do."

Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"

A: "Yes sir."

Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"

A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."

The courtroom erupted in laughter.

BROKELEG HILLOCK A STORY OF COWBOYS AND LEATHER "Hey Brad I feel a song coming on."

"I feel it too Walter.!" Jim-BobBilly-Bob-Jo-Bob strode into the saloon. His long booted legs seemed to move with purpose but his manner was overall, lugubrious even deliberate.

Jim-Bob-Billy-Bob-Jo-Bob, or Bob as he was known, sidled up to the long bar and scanned it for the barman. Through the mists - it was a very long bar he spied the bar tender at the far end. He tipped back his wide brimmed Stetson, rested his thumbs on his broad Texan rattler gun belt, which held two of the most beautiful pearl handled, nickel plated Colt .45s with fine tooling on the barrel

and some very pretty studs on the handles... he inclined his head and bellowed in his deepest voice, "Coooee!". Being a light alto his call rent the foggy smoke filled air like a soprano caught in a revolving door. At the far end of the saloon, heads turned. The barman spat into the glass he was cleaning, adjusted his underpants and snorted back a big green one that had been impairing his breathing for some time. On the other side of the counter, a gruff, unshaven cattle herder shifted his weight from one foot to the other, straightened his girdle which was killing him - adjusted his crotch, scratched his arm pit and made languid strides towards - Bob. Soon they came face to face. Tex, for that was his name, studied Bob. Their eyes met. They said nothing to each other but their eyes spoke volumes... "Hello I'm Texs' eyes..." "Oh hi, I'm Bob's eyes..." "Pleased to meet you..." Bob took a deep breath and shifted. He raised one boot to the brass foot rail which made his leather leggings creak, kind of sexily and yet not too overtly but with just a hint of mystery. Tex narrowed his eyes as he studied Jim-BobBilly-Bob-Jo-Bob's rugged features. He looked him up and down, and down required quite a bit of study.

"Nice Chaps." said Jim-BobBilly-Bob-Jo-Bob. "What that lot at the other end of the bar? They're alright." said Tex. He was chewing a toothpick, the cherry on which he'd consumed some time earlier when he'd downed his pale, dry, amontillado. "I've got something to say to you.... cowboy." said Tex, his breath heavy with sherry and just a hint of cerise. Jim-Bob-BillyBob-Jo-Bob did a sharp intake of breath. He could feel something coming. "Yes... I mean yep!" said Jim-Bob-Billy-Bob-JoBob turning his head and clearing his throat. Tex drew a deep breath, "You know...." he began, "...that foundation is just not your colour. You want something with less peach and a bit more chocolate blush. I mean, it's okay but from a distance you lose definition, I could hardly make you out from down there," he said pointing to the far end of the bar where a bunch of the boys

waved back. "D'you really think so?" said Jim-Bob-Billy-Bob-JoBob or Bob, "I matches with my saddle bags, which are the beige suedete Calvin Klein with sequinned name emblazoned across the flap. I thought it made me look sheik yet at the same time, just a bit butch."

"Tex dropped his eyes, "Hell, I didn't realise." he intoned, "I'm such a fool." The tears streamed down his face leaving ribbons of mascara, "Can you ever forgive me?" "Well of course you silly goat. It's always good to have a second opinion..." said Jim-Bob-Billy-BobJo-Bob giving his shoulder a little push then thrusting his thumbs into his belt, though they slipped and his gun went off narrowly missing his foot.

"Ooops sorry, such a clumsy oaf. Let's have a drink." said, well yuh know Jim-Bob-....etc."

The Barman arrived a while later.

"What'll it be pardners?"

"Well," said Jim-Bob-Billy-BobJo-Bob, "I'll have a gin and tonic with a twist of lemon. And Tex here for that is his name I believe, unless my eyes deceive me...?"

"Give me a whisky...." From the other end of the bar there was a chorus of oooohs. "...but put it in a balloon glass like them fancy French drinkers use."

"Yippeekaiyay!" said Jim-BobBilly-Bob-Jo-Bob "You can round me up anytime." he said.

It looked as though these two cowpokes would be getting on famous, poking cows... and

other stuff for the foreseeable future.

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been Withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".

The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so

that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?" Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please," she began her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared At the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "F... You!" Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."

the mother to the boy's father, John, you go right up there and see what's going on."

So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold the Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know what was going on.

"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he had run off to Hawaii with his secretary.

The secretary took his money and all of his credit cards and left him shortly after they arrived. He called me and claimed he was robbed and stranded."

A sixteen year-old boy "He asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the came home with a Porsche money. So I did." and his parents began to fuss, "Where did you get that car???

He calmly told them, "I bought Life would be much better lived backwards. it today."

"With what money?" demanded You'd start out dead and get it his parents. "We know what a out of the way.

Then, wake up in an old peoPorsche costs."

"Well," said the boy, "this one ples' home feeling better every day. cost me fifteen dollars."

So the parents began to panic You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your and asked. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" pension, then when you start work, you get a gold watch on they said.

"It was the lady up the street," your first day. said the boy. I don't know her You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your name; they just moved in. retirement.

She saw me ride past on my At retirement - 18 years of age bike and asked me if I wanted - you drive the sports car you to buy a Porsche for fifteen can actually enjoy! dollars."

You eat what you want, you "Oh, my goodness," moaned

party... and you get ready to start school.

You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, and then ..........

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions; central heating, room service on tap, larger quarters every day...

And then, you finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case.

Denmark: A patient broke wind while having surgery and set fire to his genitals. The 30 year old man was having a mole removed from his bottom with an electric knife when his attack of flatulence was ignited by a spark. His genitals, which were soaked in surgical spirrits , caught fire. The man, who is suing the hospital, said: “When I woke up, my penis and scrotum we4e burning like hell. Besides the pain, I can’t have sex with my wife”.

Surgeons at the hospital in Kjellerups said: “It was an unfortunate accident”

“The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country.”

George W. Bush “If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.”

George W. Bush

I have come across dialogue between Man City and AC Milan superstar Kaka. Unfortunately I only have the script from the City end but I think it is clear for all as to the total content:

but many fans have him in their fantasy football" "I know you are currently the richest man in Italy but we can double it!"

"Erm, well, we have had a bit of a slide recently and we are currently 15th."

"Erm, out of 20...... but Mark Hughes once won the double for our neighbours" "Hello, is that Kaka? How do "Hughes" you fancy becoming the supply "Ex Blackburn boss" line to Craig Bellamy and "Blackburn, Blackburn Rovers" Darius Vassell this winter?

"No, Blackburn ...Black.....Burn" "No, your fellow countryman "HUGHES man, HUGHES!!!" doesn't like the cold and will be "He once scored a good goal out until mid April - but you against Spain" will play alongside Stephen Ire- "No, that's Gerry Armstrong..... land" "No, Ireland is a person anyway, are you coming or not a country", "yes, I fully ap- not?" preciate that he is not Ronald- "Usually about two thirds full inho, Pirlo or even Beckham but if we play a big team its

really rocks."

"Yes I know, but we don't even have a car park cos all the fans walk to the ground they are so local."

"Relevance? well, I suppose its all they have to brag about whether its true or not" "Only the one to be fair but its called 'blue moon' you will love it" "Blue" "yes, definitely blue, always has been" "No, no, no, they are in Trafford" "yes they are, steeped in it in fact but what good is history to you my ambitious friend?"

"Erm, 1976 I think" "It was the er, the er League cup if memory serves me right" "Well, the plan was to get in the top 4 this season and then....."

"Yes, I realise that but....."

"Aston Villa? What's it got to do with them?"

"Yes, I know but we have been down this history route already" "How the heck does a Brazilian playing in Italy know about Nottingham Forest ?"

"Yes, yes, and Leeds United also made a final but you are missing my point, this is all about the future" "Give me strength HUGHES!!"

"Yes I know he did and he was a legend there but he is a changed man" "Forget them, they are falling apart" "But all those trophies were won last year! They have won nothing in 2009" "I have told you.... 1976!!!!"

"How the heck does a Brazilian playing in Italy know that Virginia Wade has won Wimbledon since then?"

"Yes she probably is in her 60's" "I dont know, probably about 10 league titles, "76,000 why?" "yes, every game, but where is this getting us?" "Yes, the league cup is considered a minor cup over here why?"

"I know, I know, I know, ok perhaps they won the FA Cup in 1970 or something does it really matter?" "look, Kaka, we will treble whatever you are on now, buy you a mansion in Alderley Edge and give you a helicopter for your front lawn....are you joining us?"

"NO!, its owned by the council - what has the ground got to do with anything"

"Well, officially its the city of Manchester stadium but most people call it Eastlands" "EAST!, not Waste" "You will be adored there" "No, not there, here I meant" "No, that's Old Trafford, I meant adored here at Waste....erm, Eastlands" "Anderson??? what does he know?"

"Ok I hear what you say, but other than Pride, Ambition, Achievement, History, Passion and a large car park - what can they offer you?" "what do you mean no credit left in your phone.....I phoned you" "Hello, Mr Kaka,...... Mr Kaka are you there?......

Freezing temperatures in Liverpool today.

Reports say it was so cold, a scouser was seen with his hands in his own pockets!

I was watching a documentary about the million man march recently.

It's amazing when you think that over a million blacks arrived in Washington that day .

What's even more astounding is that only 3 of them missed work because of it.

They say that laughter is the best medicine................well,

it didn't help my erectile dysfunction.

Top Tip for Dyslexics: Try deliberately spelling words wrongly. This way, at least you have a chance of spelling them correctly.

I was in a cafe in Liverpool and there was a sign that said "Keep an eye on your bags", so I did - and someone stole my dinner.

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

TOILET TISSUE: PAPERING OVER THE CRACKS A recent survey has confirmed what we in the Western world have known for decades; namely, that the female of the human species can now be held accountable for the serious depletion of soft toilet tissue. The survey, conducted by the Grimsby College of Environmental Studies and Other Things Affecting Our Planet, found an alarming difference in gender-use of toilet related materials. The findings show that females can use up to 10,000% more in the way of paper-based bottom wiping products than their male counterparts, and unless `lady lower-region activities´ are substantially changed, the days of comfortable wiping could soon be over for all of us Students from the college were sent onto the streets with the task of interviewing local people about their individual experiences relating to `post toilet-time behaviour´ and its consequential effect on shopping habits.

The following interview of a young male summed up their findings.

“After living the single life, I recently met the girl of my dreams, and we got married.

Up until then, my weekly shopping list only really consisted of things like fags, beer, meat, crisps, and jazz mags. Now, however, supermarket trips have become something of an ordeal. Not only am I now struggling to carry things like yoghurt, fruit and vegetables; but I am now often burdened by a 48 pack of bog paper. I only ever used to purchase a twin-pack, and that would last me a month! The days when I could sit on the loo, do my business, then reach across to a solitary roll of toilet paper are well and truly over. Now I find myself surrounded by towers of the soddin´ stuff. I’m worried one of them could topple over and pin me to the throne for hours. Remarkably though, it´s all gone after a week! How the hell do women manage to get through so much of the stuff?”

It now seems the days of soft toilet tissue are numbered. De-

spite what people think, soft sanitary paper can only be produced from one type of tree: the Andrexinolii. These trees produce a soft fibrous pulp, vital for the production of fluffy-like paper. However, they are now so depleted that there may well be none left standing in a year’s time. Then we’ll all have to return to a less than acceptable coarser alternative. The conclusion of the study makes stark reading.

It recommends that we all adopt a more manly approach toward toilet behaviour. If continued for a couple of years, the Andrexinolii should then recover sufficiently enough to ensure that future generations can experience the wonder of `delicate undercarriage scooping´.

An expert announced, “It’s common knowledge that a man cannot go through `the motions´ without some form of reading material; usually the nearest available newspaper.

This behaviour has many benefits and should be adopted by both sexes. Not only would we be educating ourselves during `ploppy time´, but after finishing, we could then use the financial section to wipe away any `lower soiling´. If we then had to look up any relevant information about the FTSE 100 at a later time, with the use of a series of strategically placed mirrors, we could find any relevant information most probably still imprinted on our buttocks.”

February 2009: Royturds News Agency A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled "You Can Be THE MAN of YOUR House."

He stormed over to his wife in the kitchen andannounced, "from now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is LAW”.

You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm done eating my meal, you will serve me a scrumptious dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want!

Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

"The funeral director would be my first guess" replied the Wife!

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some tosser wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later, the manager found the boy and said, "I was impressed A man walked into the with the way you got yourself out of that situation vegetable section of his local supermarket and asked for half earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. a head of lettuce. The boy Where are you from son?" working there told him that they only sold whole heads of "Originally from Essex sir," the lettuce. The man was insistent boy replied. that the boy asked his manager "Why did you leave Essex?" the manager asked. about the matter.

The boy answered, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and footballers there." "Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Essex." "No shit!" the boy replied. "Who does she play for ?

sure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his An extremely modest arms violently trying to get the man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which unknown things off, and ended had left his bodily systems ex- up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. tremely upset.

As the drunk stood there, unUpon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he steady on his feet, staring down decided the latest episode was at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing another and stayed put. He his (laughter), and who suddenly filled his bed with diarrhoea and was embarrassed had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, beyond his ability to "What the heck is going on remain rational. here?"

In a complete loss of compo-

The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost."

The Campo Rule Book GENERAL: 1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting them.

3. It's tacky to take an esky to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take the trailer to the funeral home.

DINING OUT: 1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the wine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with both your hands.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME: 1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.

PERSONAL HYGIENE: 1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's OWN ute keys.

2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.

3. Use of toiletries can only delay bathing a few days.

4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, as they detract from a woman's jewellery and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family): 1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the 1st date.

2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall 2 years ago."

3. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back.

Some will say 10:00 PM, others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATRE ETIQUETTE: 1. Crying babies should be

taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie's ended.

2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS: 1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A track suit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE:

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun's loaded and the pig's in sight.

2. When approaching a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest tyres doesn't always have the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. Don't burn rubber while travelling in a funeral procession.

5. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer,

Lovingly wrapped in a nice creamy white envelope,

endorsed with gorgeously detailed fine gold writing, brought slowly to the lips, then carefully licked with the tip of a soft wet tongue, and finally adorned with a first class stamp...........

This isn't just any P45.... ...this is an M&S P45.

"The budget should be balanced, the Treasury should be refilled, public debt should be reduced, the arrogance of officialdom should be tempered and controlled, and the assistance to foreign lands should be curtailed lest Rome become bankrupt. People must again learn to work, instead of living on public assistance."

- Cicero - 55 B.C.

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious darkside underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'

Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was â‚Ź5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single euro that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the euro as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super Mercadona store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor........

The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police.

Artie was caught & arrested before he could even leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared ..

(You're going to hate me for this ... ) 'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for â‚Ź1.00 AT MERCADONA!'

Medics views on the Credit Crunch: The Allergists voted to scratch it, and the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve, and the Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.

The Ophthalmologists considered the idea short sighted.

The Pathologists yelled, 'Over my dead body!' while the Paediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!'

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, the Radiologists could see right through it, and the Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, 'This puts a whole new face on the matter.'

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.

The Anaesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no. In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some assholes in Westminster.

New from DeWalt The NEW 16D Rapidfire Nail Gun New nail gun, made by Dewalt.

It can drive a 16d nail through a 2 X 4 at 200 yards.

This makes construction a breeze; you can sit in your lawn chair and build a fence.

Just get the wife and kids to hold the fence boards in place while you sit back, relax with a cold drink, when they have the board in the right place just fire away.

With the hundred round magazine, you can build the fence with a minimum of reloading.

After a day of fence building with the new Dewalt Rapid fire nail gun, the wife will not ask you to fix or build anything else.

Call:

S&W Tools. *For All Your Nail Gun Needs* Buy online or at our shop in Moraira.

S&W - The Tool Bar. Ctra. Moraira-Teulada, 12b, Moraira, Tel: 96 574 5805/626 670 038.

Email: info@swhire.com

Q: How many women with PMT does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Woman's Answer: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? because no one else in this f***n house knows HOW to change a f***n light bulb!

They don't even know that the f***n bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE f***n DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the god damned light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the f***n chair they dragged to stand on to change the

STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME f***n SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!!

BECAUSE NO F**er EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES OUT THE RUBBISH!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE F***N PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE F***N HOUSE!!

IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE F***N TOILET PAPER ROLL !!

Oh’ I'm sorry.

What was the question?

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started‌

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started‌

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?' & And then the fight started ...

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy gateaux. That must be my husband!'

So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window.

He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

And then the fight started.....

Smuggler Puzzle Page Solutions Page 63 Easy

Hard

15 Miserable type upsets nearly all the crew (6) 18 The stronghold of a different dialect (7) 20 A piece of research in ancient country (5) 22 This will give one a leg up (5) 23 Concentrated at home, in need of relaxation (7) 24 Do another put-up job (11) DOWN 2 Part of a fight produces a recurring strain (5) 3 It involves experimenting with the chorusleader in Scene 1! (7) 4 Public announcement to deter the intending skater? (6) 5 Dramatic setting that comes from the Bard enchantingly (5) 6 An individual pursuit carried out by force, maybe (7) 7 Could it contain a lawsuit involving one of the embassy staff? (7-4) 8 Void as far as capital is concerned ? that?s stupid (5-6) ACROSS 1 With a gift the members make a uniform greeting 14 Tactile variety of network (7) (7,4) 16 Petroleum and bitumen found beneath the crag 9 Sightseer to stir out, maybe (7) (4-3) 10 Material made explosively hazardous on return (5) 17 They fight with each other, but the sorties lack a 11 Make an annexe for present-day lecturer (3,2) leader (6) 12 Wield a stick to produce behaviour (7) 19 In the end it totalled the same (5) 21 One strange coin of Greek origin (5) 13 Henry and Edward went no further (6)

Once upon a time a man appeared in a

rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys for 700 village and announced to the villagers that he billion dollars. They never saw the man or would buy monkeys for $10 each. his assistant again, only lots and lots of monThe villagers, knowing keys! there were many Now you have a better monkeys, went to the understanding of how forest and started catching them. The man the WALL STREET BAILOUT PLAN bought thousands at WORKS !!! $10 and, as supply started to diminish, the Two old guys, one villagers stopped their 80 and one 87, were siteffort. He then anting on their usual park nounced that he would bench one morning. buy monkeys at $20 The 87 year old had just each. This renewed the finished his morning jog villagers efforts and they and wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old started catching was amazed at his friend's monkeys again. Soon stamina and asked him the supply diminished what he did to have so and people started gomuch energy. ing back to their farms. The 87 year old said The offer increased to "Well, I eat rye bread $25 each and the supply everyday. It keeps your of monkeys became so energy level high and you'll have great stamina with scarce it was an effort to even find a monkey, the ladies." So, on the way home, the 80 year old let alone catch it! stops at the bakery. As he The man now anwas looking around, the nounced that he would lady asked if he needed any buy monkeys at $50 help. He said, "Do you each! However, since have any rye bread?" She he had to go to the city said, "Yes, there's a whole on some business, his shelf of it. Would you like assistant would buy on some?" He said, "I want 5 his behalf. The assistant loaves.� told the villagers, "Look She said, "My goodness, 5 at all these monkeys in loaves...by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be the big cage that my hard" He replied, "I can't boss has already colbelieve it, everybody in lected. I will sell them the world knows about to you at $35 and when this shit but me." my boss returns, you can sell them to him for $50." The villagers

My wife and I were to her husband, watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes." So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started....

A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said

'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...

Billy Connolly's 14 things I hate about everybody.

What the f*ck??

Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever f*cking does!!

What can you do that's longer?

1. People who are willing to get off their a*se to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

8. People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'.

So what did they used to be?

Ears? Wellington boots?

2. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too".

F*cking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

3. When people say "it's always the last place you look".

Of course it is. Why the f*ck would you keep looking after you've found it?

Do people do this?

Who and where are they?

looks. Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you f*cking McT*sser.

And, finally people who say there are 14 things when there is only 10…….

Did you know? The UK Government and The E.U. has decided that you are no longer 9. When you're eating some- allowed to used the word thing and someone asks 'Is that "PIKEY" You must now use the phrase nice?'

Caravan Using Nomadic TravNo it's really revolting - I aleller Society. ways eat stuff I hate.

“A man who shovelled 10. McDonalds staff who presnow for an hour to clear a tend they don't understand you space for his car during a unless you insert the 'Mc' blizzard in Chicago rebefore the item you are orderturned with his vehicle to ing..... It's has to be a find a woman had taken McChicken Burger, the space.

Understandajust a Chicken Burger get blank bly, he shot her.”

4. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No t*sser, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the f*cking floor.

5. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?

6. When something is 'new and improved!'.

Which is it?

If it's new, then there has never been anything before it.

If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

7. When people say "life is short".

“No I said I wanted a Dado Rail” “No I said I wanted a Dado Rail, Dildo!!!!!”

A Job Application I will be available in January 2009, and I am willing to relocate.

RESUME: GEORGE W. BUSH 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue Washington, DC 20520 LAW ENFORCEMENT: * I was arrested in Kennebunkport, Maine, in 1976 for driving under the influence of alcohol. I plead guilty, paid a fine, and had my driver's license suspended for 30 days. My Texas driving record has been 'lost' and is not available.

MILITARY: * I joined the Texas Air National Guard and went AWOL. I refused to take a drug test or answer any questions about my

drug use. By joining the Texas Air National Guard, I was able to avoid combat duty in Vietnam .

EDUCATION AND EXPERIENCE:

deal that took land using taxpayer money. * With the help of my father and our friends in the oil industry (Including Enron CEO Ken Lay), I was elected governor of Texas.

* I graduated from Yale University with a low C average. I was ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS GOVERNOR OF TEXAS : a cheerleader. * I changed Texas pollution PAST WORK EXPERIENCE: laws to favour power and oil * I ran for U.S. Congress and companies, making Texas the lost. most polluted state in the Un* I began my career in the oil ion. During my tenure, Housbusiness in Midland, Texas, in ton replaced Los Angeles as 1975. I bought an oil company, the most smog-ridden city in but couldn't find any oil in America.

Texas . The company went * I cut taxes and bankrupted bankrupt shortly after I sold all the Texas treasury to the tune my stock. of Billions in borrowed money. * I bought the Texas Rangers * I set the record for the most baseball team in a sweetheart executions by any governor in

American history. * With the help of my brother, the governor of Florida , and my father's appointments to the Supreme Court, I became President of the United States , after losing by over 500,000 votes.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS PRESIDENT: * I am the first President in U.S. history to enter office with a criminal record. * I invaded and occupied two countries at a continuing cost of over one billion dollars per week. *I spent the U.S. surplus and effectively bankrupted the U.S. Treasury. * I shattered the record for the largest annual deficit in U.S. history. * I set an economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any 12-month period. * I set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a 12month period. * I set the all-time record for the biggest drop in the history of the U.S. stock market. * In my first year in office, over 2 million Americans lost their jobs and that trend continues. * I'm proud that the members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in U.S. history. My 'poorest millionaire, ' Condoleezza Rice has a Chevron oil tanker named after her. * I set the record for most campaign fund-raising trips by a U.S. President. I am the all-time U.S. and world record -holder for receiving the most corporate campaign donations. My

largest lifetime campaign contributor, and one of my best friends, Kenneth Lay, presided over the largest corporate bankruptcy fraud in U.S. history, Enron. * My political party used Enron private jets and corporate attorneys to assure my success with the U.S. Supreme Court during my election decision. * I have protected my friends at Enron and Halliburton against investigation or prosecution. * More time and money was spent investigating the Monica Lewinsky affair than has been spent investigating one of the biggest corporate rip-offs in history. * I presided over the biggest energy crisis in U.S. history and refused to intervene when corruption involving the oil industry was revealed.. * I presided over the highest gasoline prices in U.S. history. * I changed the U.S. policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded government contracts. * I appointed more convicted criminals to my

administration than any President in U.S. history. * I created the Ministry of Homeland Security, the largest bureaucracy in the history of the United States Government. * I've broken more international treaties than any President in U.S. history. * I am the first President in U.S. history to have the United Nations remove the U.S. from the Human Rights Commission. * I withdrew the U.S. from the World Court of Law. * I refused to allow inspector's access to U.S. 'prisoners of war' detainees and thereby have refused to abide by the Geneva Convention. * I am the first President in history to refuse United Na-

tions election inspectors (during the 2002 US election). * I set the record for fewest numbers of press conferences of any President since the advent of television. * I set the all-time record for most days on vacation in any one-year period. * After taking off the entire month of August, I presided over the worst security failure in U.S. history. * I garnered the most sympathy ever for the U.S. after the World Trade Centre attacks and less than a year later made the U.S. the most hated country in the world, the largest failure of diplomacy in world history. * I have set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously protest me in public venues (15 million people), shattering the record for protests against any person in the history of mankind. * I am the first President in U.S. history to order an unprovoked, pre-emptive attack and the military occupation of a sovereign nation. I did so against the will of the United Nations, the majority of U.S. Citizens and the world community. * I have cut health care benefits for war veterans and support a cut in duty benefits for active duty troops and their families in wartime. * In my State of the Union Address, I lied about our reasons for attacking Iraq and then blamed the lies on our British friends. * I am the first President in

history to have a majority of Europeans (71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and security. * I am supporting development of a nuclear 'Tactical Bunker Buster,' aWMD. * I have so far failed to fulfill my pledge to bring Osama Bin Laden to justice.

RECORDS AND REFERENCES: * All records of my tenure as governor of Texas are now in my father's library, sealed and unavailable for public view. * All records of SEC investigations into my insider trading and my bankrupt companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view. * All records or minutes from meetings that I, or my VicePresident attended, regarding public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public review. * I specified that my sealed documents will not be available for 50 years.

G W Bush

home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows. Twenty quid, she whispers.

He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the heck, its only twenty quid.

So they hide in the bushes.

They're going at it for a couple of minutes when all of a sudden a light flashes on them, it's a police officer.

What's going on here, people? asks the officer.

I'm making love to my wife, Paddy answers indignantly.

Oh, I'm sorry, says the cop, I didn't know. Well, Paddy says, neither did I until you shone that light on her face.

Have you heard about the new map of the world they’ve brought out? It’s got the North Pole at the top, the South Pole at the bottom, and every other fucking pole tiling bathrooms in England. (sorry Urszula!).

“'Viagra' is now available in powder form for your tea.

It doesn't enhance your sexual performance But it does stop your biscuit going soft.”

Paddy was walking

what hapTwin sisters in Sunnyside pened.'

'Fine, go Nursing Home were turning 100 years old. The local news- ahead', she paper sends a photographer to sobbed, 'but they'll be the take pictures... last words One of the twins was hard of you'll say to hearing and the other could hear quite well. Once the pho- me!' tographer arrived he asked the And Paddy began sisters to sit on the sofa.

'Well, I was The deaf sister said to her getting into twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" the car to "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said drive home and this the other. young lady "Now get a little closer tohere asked gether," said the cameraman.

Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" me for a lift.

She looked "HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOso down and GETHER A LITTLE." out and defenceless that I took So they wiggled up close to pity on her and let her into the each other. car.

"Just hold on for a bit longer, I noticed that she was very I've got to focus a little," said thin, not well dressed and very the photographer. dirty. She told me that she hadYet again, "WHAT DID HE n't eaten for three days!

SAY?" "HE SAYS HE'S So, in my compassion, I GONNA FOCUS!" brought her home and warmed With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD - up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you BOTH OF US! wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The The wife came home poor thing devoured them in early and found her husband in moments. Since she needed a their bedroom making love good clean-up I suggested a with a young woman. shower and while she was doand was somewhat upset. ing that I noticed her clothes 'You are a disrespectful pig!' were dirty and full of holes so she cried. 'How dare you do I threw them away. Then, as this to me - a faithful wife, the she needed clothes, I gave her mother of your children! I'm the designer jeans that you leaving you. I want a divorce have had for a few years, but straight away!' don't use because you say they And Paddy (for it was he) reare too tight. I also gave her plied 'Hang on just a minute the underwear that was your luv, so at least I can tell you anniversary present, which you

don't use because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same...'

Here Paddy took a quick breath and continued, 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please... do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?' *Thought for the day* “Handle every stressful situation like a dog. If you can't eat it or hump it.

Piss on it and walk away.�

A woman pregnant

dig up a cabbage for dinner, with triplets was walking down had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the the street when a masked middle of the vegetable patch! robber ran out of a bank and Oh dear! I'm very sorry, reshot her three times in the plied her friend. stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided What did you do? to leave the bullets in because Oh’ I opened a can of peas it was too risky to operate. She instead. gave birth to two healthy A little old lady walks daughters and a healthy son. into a sex shop. She is having All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into trouble walking and half hobbles and half hops over to the the room in tears. counter. She eventually makes "What's wrong?" asked the it and holds on for dear life. mother. "I was taking a tinkle She says the the boy behind the and this bullet came out," recounter, "D-d-d-d-ooo yo-yoplied the daughter. you s-s-s-sell d-d-d-d-d-dildosThe mother told her it was s-s-?" The boy says, "Yes, okay and explained what hapma'am, we sell dildos. In fact pened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second we sell all sorts, in all shapes daughter walked into the room and sizes." The little old lady says, "D-d-d-d-d-o yo-yo-you in tears. "Mom, I was taking a h-h-h-h-have w-w-w-ww-wun tinkle and this bullet ! came th-th-th-th-that is sm-sm-smout."

Again the mother told her not sm-small and b-b-b-b-black, s-ss-s-s-ix i-i-i-i-i-inches 1-1-1-1to worry and explained what ong b-b-b-b-b-but three i-i-i-i-ihappened 16 years ago. i-inches th-th-th-th-thick?" The A week later her son walked boy says, "Why, yes we do: into the room in tears. "It's that's one of the most popular okay" said the Mom, "I know what happened models." "W-w-w-w-w-w-ell, cYou were taking a tinkle and a c-c-c-c-c-can you t-t-t-t-t-t-tell m-m-m-me-e-e- how-w-w-w-w bullet came out." to t-t-t-t-t-t-turn-n-n-n-nn the "No," said the boy, "I was fu-fu-fu-tucking thing-g-g-g-g-gplaying with myself and I shot off-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f?" the dog."

Two elderly ladies meet Have you heard about at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time.

After inquiring about each other's health one asked how the other's husband was doing.

Oh! Ted died last week.

He went out to the garden to

the new map of the world they’ve brought out? It’s got the North Pole at the top, the South Pole at the bottom, and every other fucking pole tiling bathrooms in England (sorry Urszula!).

God came down to earth

and appeared to a sinner. God spoketh to the man thus: If you want to get to heaven you must stop the drinking, stop the smoking and stop the unnatural sexual acts. The man, verily shitting himself, said he would try. A year later God appeared to the man again, and asked how he was getting on.

The man replied, “Well, I’ve packed in the fags, I only ever drink wine at communion, but I must admit I still occasional give in to the temptation of indulging in anal sex. For example I saw the wife bending over the freezer the other day and I just had to have her.

Sorry.”

“Hmm,” replied God. “I’m not too happy about that!”

“Yeah,” said the man. “They were pretty pissed off in Mas Y Mas, too!”

This Pakistani woman arrives in England. She doesn’t know anyone and speaks no English, but after a few days she meets another Pakistani woman who has been in England for about a year. They get chatting, and the new arrival asks, “How are you getting on with the language?”

“Oh, not too bad,” the other lady replies. “I’ve already picked up quite a lot of Polish.”

Glad to hear the police have finally come clean about why they shot Jean Charles de Menezes. They were actually after his brother, Dennis the Menace.

This guy walks into a bar with his tiny midget wife – she doesn’t even come up to the level of the bar.

The bartender is serving someone at the other end of the bar and so doesn’t see her.

When he gets round to serving the man he is surprised when he is asked for two pints.

“Who’s the other one for?” the bartender asks.

“For my wife,” says the man, indicating to his out-of-sight wife.

The bartender looks over the bar and says,

“My, she is tiny. Not much bigger than your hand!”

“Hmmm,” agrees the man. “Not much better, either.”

Obama, the 1st black president.

Lewis Hamilton, the 1st black F1 champion.

Will Smith, the world's highest paid actor.

Tiger Woods, the world's best golfer.

It's a real good time to be black.

Michael Jackson must be kicking himself.

"Last week I attended an AA meeting, and to my horror, each person present stood up and openly admitted to being an alcoholic. I'm not having these boastful drunkards repairing my car. I can only hope the RAC have more responsible employees."

"I see on the news that Lord Hutton says he is 'satisfied that David Kelly took his own life'. He may not have liked Dr Kelly that much, but isn't this taking gloating just a little too far?"

are there to be punished, not to be given 'thrill of a lifetime' experiences that most law abiding citizens can only dream of."

"If Eastenders is so true to life, how come none of the "What's all this nonsense loveable Cockney characters about that 66-year-old Roma- are Man Utd supporters?"

"The record companian woman being the world's "They say good manners oldest mum? My mum's 77. nies would have us believe cost you nothing. B*llocks. I Beat that." that the money made by CD sent my daughter to finishing pirates goes to fund the drug school and it cost me twenty "When I nipped into a industry. But the money rock stars make from legal record McDonald's to use their toilets bloody grand." sales ends up in exactly the the other day, I was confronted "We should remember same place. When they stop by a spotty teenager mopping the tremendous contribution breaking the law, so will I." up vomit just by the lavatory. of the Queen Mother to the On the back of his T-shirt it war effort: as the BBC pointed "Peter Andre might look said 'I'm Lovin' it!' Funny, but out, she 'bravely remained in the poor sod's face told a difsmug in all his wedding picLondon beside her husband' tures, but I'd just like to remind ferent story." during the war. This contrasts him that, as a Playboy reader, I "I was being chased by a sharply with the actions of my have seen his wife's growler.

He hasn't seen my wife's, so police dog last week, and made grandfather who, on the declawho's had the last laugh?" the mistake of trying to escape ration of war immediately left his wife and children and pissed through a little tunnel, over a see-saw and through a hoop of off, first to France, then North "On the BBC website, I fire. It finally caught me as I was Africa, Italy, France (again) and read with interest that some finally Germany. The shame will scientists in Australia have dis- weaving in and out of some always be with us." sticks." covered the smallest fish known to exist. They've obvi"I heard recently that, on "My boss and colleagues ously never been to the average, Alex Ferguson reChippy in Oliva.” spend half their time criticizing me for things I've done and the ceives two turds in the post each week. What I want to other half criticizing me for "Never mind ventriloknow is, who's sending the things I haven't done.

I wish quists like Keith Harris and other one?" they'd make their f**king minds Roger DeCourcey. up."

What about Professor Stephen Did you hear about the Hawking? I saw him on telly lesbian twins? They even lick blathering on about galaxies for "I was shocked to hear alike. the Home Secretary say that hours and I never saw his lips Britain's prison population has move once. Pure Genius."

What goes, “Hello, been ballooning for the past fuuuuuck!!!!”? Stevie Wonder ten years. My God, has the world gone mad? Those people answering the iron.

• What do you say when you hear a virgin sneeze? Goesin-tight!

• What’s the definition of trust?

Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob.

• Why are they called a wonder bra? Because after they’re taken off, you wonder where the tits have gone.

• How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her up as an altar boy.

• How do you tell the difference between a clever midget and VD? One’s a cunning runt, the other’s a …

• Why do women skydivers wear a jock strap? So they don’t whistle all the way down.

• Why did the woman cross the road? Who cares, why is she out of the kitchen!

• Asked this Spanish chap to define the word ‘macho’. He told me, “Jogging home from your own vasectomy!”

• How can you tell if an elephant has diarrhoea? He has two grey legs, two brown ones.

• Why does the Avon woman walk funny? Lipstick.

• What do you call a musician with no girlfriend? Homeless.

Distribution Agents for The Smuggler Ador: Monte Corona Restaurant. Balcon al Mar: Jaspa’s Bar. Benidorm: Trade Wise. Benissa: Café Pronto (in Iceland). Benitachell: Legend’s Bar. Cabo Roig: Slievenamon Irish Pub. Calpe: The Internet Bar; New Chester’s Bar; Cross Keys; Pueblo Bar; Tasty Pastry; Casa Rolando; Saffy’s Bar. Costa Novo: Helen’s Supermarket. Denia: Bar Café Olé. Els Poblets: Arthur’s Bar; The Orange Grove Restaurant. Jalon: Quick Save; Lemon Tree Bar; Harry Stafford’s Fish & Chips. Javea: Euro Bazar; Coastal Bar; Bomber’s Pub; Digby’s Bar; Inspirations; G-Spot; James the Barber; Sertel scp; Mono Loco; N-Gage; Zanzibar; Quo Vadis; Quick Save (Port & Arenal); Incodnito Fish and Chips; Checker’s Pizza; English Bakers. La Llosa de Camacho: Bar Emilio. La Marina: La Marina Lavanderia.

La Xara: Kelly’s of La Xara. Los Altos: Welcome Inn. Los Dolses: Madigan’s Bar; Bar Wicked. Moraira: Hamiltons of London; S+W Tool Bar; Mojo’s Bar Bistro. Moraira – Calpe Coast Rd: Tich’s Bar; Cornish Pride; David’s Fish & Chip Shop. Oliva: Quick Save; Magnum’s Bar; Bar Express; Cornish Pride; La Brasa; Honeydukes; Café Ole. Orba: The New Forn Vell. Pedreguar: Quick Save. Playa Flamenca: Macey’s Shop; Frying Scotsman. Punta Prima: The Captain’s Table Restaurant. San Luis: Hoggies Bar. Teulada: Base Satellite. Torrevieja: Express Internet. Villa Martin: Chadwick’s Bar. Contact Paul on 690 345 135 Email: editor@thesmuggler.es

Easy

Hard

“But my elderly aunt was considered a highly respectable spinster,” protested the society lady to the cop.

“Can’t you find some way to cover up the shocking fact that she died in bed while being simultaneously serviced by two paid studs?”

“Leave it to me, madam,” said the officer reassuringly. “I’ll just put in my report that she died at the stroke of two.”