All Abroad Magazine November 2011 by DAVE BULL

NOT A ‘LORRA LORRA’ FUN (for me…

I know friends have my best interests at heart and in their (desperate) search for a suitable companion (human) for me they sometimes get it wrong…very wrong, but then I guess I can’t knock them when they’re only trying to be nice? But I will. You see this month they excelled themselves by setting me up on not one but two blind dates. This is from the same people that set me up on a date with a woman who was a recovering alcoholic (no problem there) but she’d only started ‘recovering’ about an hour previously when she went for some ‘Dutch courage’ before meeting me… So I didn’t hold out much hope, and unfortunately I was right. The first one turned out to be beautiful, but mental (I mean really mental) and the second needed a shave more than me… But they’ll keep trying, bless ‘em but if I didn’t know better I’d say they were enjoying themselves with these dates just a bit too much.

So there we were. Standing outside of a bar near my home, my son alongside me and both of us injured; my son with blood pouring down his face from a head wound, and me with claret pumping out of my cut hand and onto my already blood-soaked clothes. Anyone could be forgiven for thinking we’d been involved in a brawl, and one later had to be… You see it all started with a wasp. I don’t have space on this page to go into all the reasons why they shouldn’t exist, but for a start they can’t even make anything to spread on your sandwich and, they’ve got a serious attitude problem that only Joey Barton can match when it comes to fights per week. Anyway, for no other reason than to incite trouble, the wasp attacked us (me, my son and his girlfriend) as we

sat at a busy terrace bar one afternoon. I, knowing how to deal with these things, grabbed a drinks tray to defend my family, and took a decent (I thought) onehanded swing at the stripy git and not actually missing him by much. However, I did manage to catch my son on the follow-through; opening up a four-inch horizontal gash on his forehead that immediately started dripping blood into his eyes. Undaunted the wasp came back for more, but I was ready for him this time. Unfortunately I hadn’t told my Labrador (Woopy) who’d decided to join in what was now starting to resemble a Western saloon bar brawl - by jumping up in front of me and trying to eat our attacker. She didn’t fare much better than me and only succeeded in knocking over the drinks on the table and smashing all the glasses. A silence followed, only filled by the heavy breathing of me

and Woopy, as the wasp taunted us even more by landing on the table right in front of us. I smashed the tray down on it, killing it instantly, and for a brief moment I smiled….just before I realised a large piece of glass was now embedded in my hand, so I started screaming. I didn’t actually scream out loud, but silently so I could use the full range of swear words necessary at that point. By now my shirt was untucked and I had blood dripping down onto my trousers, and my sleeve had gone a different colour. My son’s head wound was rapidly dripping blood over his eyes as the bar owner came out, and promptly went back in. We found out soon after, to call the police... Took some explaining.

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ADVICE INFOTIPS NEWS

WORLD’S EASIEST...

QUIZ

Spanish Language Panic

By Mr Grumpy

On a level playing field and with a decent wind behind me, I would not class myself as the sort of guy that panics very often, or in too many

and I wasn’t really taken with the idea of learning how to make lace. Obviously I made all the appropriate

challenging circumstances or situations. In fact, moments of panic happen for me so infrequently that I can prob-

excuses as to why I couldn’t learn the lingo. We didn’t have TV of any kind to start off with, and as most of my DVD’s

ably categorise the three different circumstances that they would ever usually happen under for ease of ref-

were moody, we couldn’t change the language settings. Obviously I have picked up quite a lot of vocab, and a

erence: 1) Losing or mis-placing my mobile

decent amount of grammar over the years and my listening and reading

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the

phone (Happens more often than it should) 2) Getting my head stuck in some-

of Spanish isn’t bad - just my speaking. My problem is that whenever some-

5) What is a camel’s hair brush made of?

thing (More than an adult male

body speaks to me in Spanish I spend

should have to admit) 3) Speaking to a Spaniard. The problem for me is that even af-

so long trying to get the reply 100% correct in my head, that by the time I am ready to reply the moment has

How you doing...?

ter living and working in Spain for 7

passed by and I am left looking like

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

years my Spanish is still embarrassingly shocking. What I should have done was began an intensive lan-

the grinning imbecile who has lived in the village for 7 years and doesn’t speak to anybody.

10) What is the colour of the black box in a

guage course as soon as I landed on these sunny shores, however, as I was lucky enough to land a half-decent job pretty soon after arriving, that of course took precedence. It wouldn’t have been too bad if I

So next week I have enrolled myself on a 2 hour per week language & cultural course at the local town hall (all in Castilian, which for this area

to pass.

2) Which country makes Panama hats? 3) From which animal do we get cat gut? OctoberRevolution? 6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? 7) What was King George VI’s first name? 8) What colour is a purple finch?

commercial Airplane? Remember, you only need 4 correct answers Check your answers below

8) What colour is a purple finch? - Crimson Albert

taken away from home and my usual environment and to some location in Spain where nobody at all spoke

7) What was King George VI’s first name? -

any English whatsoever. I would live with a Spanish family who would bully me into making conversation at every opportunity and frog march me at gunpoint to various lessons and cultural events and make me

Squirrel fur

named after what animal? - Dogs 6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are 5) What is a camel’s hair brush made of? October Revolution? - November 4) In which month do Russians celebrate the Sheep and Horses

speak Spanish ad-nauseum. Two weeks of hyper-intensive brain-

3) From which animal do we get cat gut? -

washing should do the trick. I have a pretty decent memory, I just need the opportunity! thanks to www.tumbit.com

2) Which country makes Panama hats? -

Ecuador - 116 years 1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?

- BUT IT’S FLATTERING TO BE COPIED - ALL ABROAD!

ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ

ing for, shall we say ‘a different generation’,

last?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? -

bought. My friends and acquaintances were all made through work and so English speaking, and all of the clubs and associations in the immediate area were catercater

1) How long did the Hundred Years’ War

New Zealand

and weekends my time was spent working on the Finca that I had just

(To pass requires only 4 correct answers)

10) What is the colour of the black box in a

ploying British staff, and working with British clients and British suppliers. I might as well have been in England. Add that to the fact that the hours were quite long, and on an evening

Abroad readers i’m sure...

commercial aeroplane? - Orange (of course)

was working for a Spanish company, but it was a British company, em-

is a bonus!) in the hope that it will give me some opportunities to book my ideas up. However, what I would really like, and what would suit me perfectly is some kind of boot camp: I would be

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embargo

on my account?

ust recently, a few clients con-

within a period of six months from

sulted me with that question

the date of purchase.

which I think a worthwile subject

to write about.

Some time later, the tax office started sending out letters claiming the

Notarial deeds

Perhaps it is best to give you the

difference owed to them since no

story of my clients, it is not an un-

proof of residence had been pre-

Fiscal representation

common one:

sented. But, not at all uncommonly,

Property taxes

My clients purchased their prop-

because the address given in the

Power of attorney

erty around four years ago. In addi-

deeds was not the proper postal

tion to the VAT payment there was

address. Roads names were given

another tax (AJD) to be paid since

some time after the purchase and

the property was bought new from

postal delivery was desastrous. As

Private sales contracts

those letters were not delivered

Change-over of utility bills

a developer. The

Planning permissions

tax amounts to

said

additional

all the letters

â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;unfortunately, the agent

were returned

1% of the pur-

failed to inform them that

fice, debt col-

chasing price. If

this condition had to be sub-

the

purchased

property

in-

tended to be the habitual

resi-

dence of the buyers a reduced tax bracket

applies,

stantiated by taking out the residencia within a period of six months from the date of purchaseâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;

namely 0,1 %.

to the tax oflection

pro-

cedures were initiated. Further notifications claiming the debt, plus fines and

interest on arrears were sent and not received. Finally, an embargo

My clients did intend to spend

was put on their bank account.

about half a year in Spain and the

The embargo is a seizure of as-

other half in the UK. Therefore, their

sets. When the debt is collected

agent had it added to the deeds

from a bank account the amount of

that the property was to be their

the embargo is no longer available

habitual residence and the reduced

to the account holder although it

tax rate was applied. Unfortunately,

might take a few weeks before it is

the agent failed to inform them that

actually collected.

this condition had to be substantiated by taking out the residencia

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Warning !! by Malcolm Palmer

its close relative, the Whimbrel, probably the commoner bird along our shorelines. The Whimbrel has a more marked eyestripe, a dark crownstripe and a distinctly shorter bill than its close relative, but

the really lucky thing

is that both birds have a tendency to be quite vocal.

Ministry of Fish and Wildlife Province of Inhambane Ministry of Fish and Wildlife MOZAMBIQUE

In my last two articles, I’ve

The Curlew’s plaintive trill will be familiar to anyone

Due to the frequency of human-

looked at the smaller and

who was used to visiting Pennine moors, or even the

lion encounters, the Ministry of

medium-sized waders, and,

muddy shores of British estuaries, but the Whimbrel,

although

someone

less common thereabouts – though a few breed in

Fish and Wildlife, Inhambane

said, isn’t important, and can be

Scotland – has a highly distinctive call – a loud stac-

size,

especially misleading when comwith distance, the waders I now want

bined to look at

are appreciably larger than those already mentioned. Just a bit larger than the ‘shanks’

cato whistle, all on one note, usually repeated seven times- hence the old English name ‘Seven-whistler.’ Just to round up my review of waders, it ought to be worth mentioning one or two

Branch, Mozambique is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen and any motocyclist that use the outdoors in a recreational or work related function to take extra

are the godwits – two species

related and semi-related species.

worth looking at here. The Bar-

The Stone Curlew gets its English

tailed, much the commoner bird

name from a voice only superfi-

around,

British

cially resembling the Curlew’s – it

coasts, is the smaller of the two,

is dry-country bird, which may still

shorter in the leg, more ‘squat’ in

be found around the shores of la-

to any lions that might be close

the water, with its long bill always

goons, when its streaky plumage,

by so they will not be taken by

slightly upcurved – and it can look

huge eyes, and yellow legs mark it

quite markedly so. The tail is in-

out, but its ghostly calls are best

surprise.

distinctly marked and pale, with

heard at dusk, when birds fly over,

no black band at the tip, but with

often in sizeable flocks.

a white wedge up the back when

The Grey Plover is another large

it flies. Although not restricted to

wader, distinguished by its black

for

example,

precautions while in the bush. We advice the outdoorsman to wear little noisy bells on clothing so as to give advanced warning

We also advice anyone using the out-doors to carry “Pepper Spray” with him or her in case of an encounter with a lion.

coasts, Bar-tails have a marked preference for salt-

axilliaries (‘armpits’) in flight and its very short bill.

Outdoorsmen should also be on

water, and can be found along beaches in winter. A

Like many waders, it is easily fooled by a passable

high-Arctic breeder, it is a winter visitor and passage

immitation of its ‘weee-uu-weee’ whistle, and will fly

the watch for fresh lion activity, and be able to tell the difference

migrant. Its relative the Black-

close by to investigate.

tailed Godwit is a more ‘upstand-

I am well aware that the above,

ing’ bird, longer in the leg, with

and the previous two articles are

a long, straight, bill, and unmis-

far from complete in the matter

and contains lots of berries and

takeable in flight, with a sharply-

of wader-identification and many

dassie fur. Big lion poo has bells

defined black tip to its white tail,

more species are ‘on the cards.’ Any

and

wing-bars.

serious student could do worse than

in it and smells like pepper.

Black-tailed Godwits breed much

acquire a copy of, say, the Collins

further south than their cousins, a

Bird Guide, by Killian Mullarney et

few even in Britain, and big flocks

al. But when all is said and done,

are present here in almost every

there is no real alternative to get-

month of the year, frequenting

ting out in the field, preferably with

both fresh and salt water lagoons.

people who know.

dazzling

white

between lion cub poo and big lion poo. Lion cub poo is smaller

Enjoy your stay in Mozambique

Immediately before and after the breeding season, adults take on a lovely cinnamon shade to their plumage, something rarely seen in the more northerly-nesting Bar-tail. A bigger bird altogether is the Curlew, the largest of the brown waders we may see. Its long, downcurved bill would make it unmistakeable, but for

why not take a look at this website?

www.costablancabirdclub.com

At least Mrs Jones´ unfortunate encouter with the Lion happened on the last day of her two week stay.

Be Original - ALL ABROAD! -TEL. 606 540 408

The

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Number

“Go-Go” Verbs Simple Spanish

with Vicki

use the phrase “go-go” verbs to talk about a group of verbs that have “go” on the end of the first person singular (i.e. “I”) in the present tense. These are some of the most common:

SES

G COUR Try translating and answering the quesFORTHCOMIN 2 SES 2011/201 UR CO E tions below. If you send them to me at SEMI INTENSIV NOVEMBER 2011 info@elprincipecentre.com I will correct them for you (if any corrections are necLevel 1- Starts Monday 14th November 2011, finishes Saturday essary of course!!)

5. What do you say to a Spaniard on

10th December 2011. Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday mornings 9.00-13.00. Level 2Starts Monday 31st October 2011, finishes Friday 25th November 2011. Monday, Wednesday and Friday mornings 9.00-13.00. Level 3Starts Monday 31st October 2011, finishes Thursday 24th November 2011. Monday, Wednesday and Friday afternoons 13.30-17.30

their birthday?

DECEMBER 2011

1. Do you go out much? 2. How many brothers and sisters do you have? 3. Do you come here often?

Tener- to have- tengo- I have. Salir- to leave/go out- salgo- I leave/I go out. Poner- to put- pongo- I put. Traer- to bring- traigo- I bring. Oir- to hear- oigo- I hear. Hacer- to do/make- hago- I do/I make. Decir- to say/tell- digo- I say/ I tell. Venir- to come- vengo- I come From these the verbs salir, poner, traer and hacer are otherewise regular verbs, i.e they follow the usual conjugation pattern for an “er” or “ir” verb, wheras tener, oir, decir and venir are also dipthongs, or stem-changing verbs. They conjugate as follows:

Tener- tengo, tienes, tiene, tenemos, tenéis, tienen. Oir- oigo, oyes, oyes, oimos, oís, oyen. Decir- digo, dices, dice, decimos, decís, dicen. Venir- vengo, vienes, viene, venimos, venís, vienen.

4. What do you hear outside your house in the morning?

6. What do you normally put on your bedside table? 7. What do you normally make for lunch on Sunday? 8. Do you hear much Spanish where you live? 9. Where do you put your keys in the house? 10. What do you bring with you to a party?

For details on semi-intensive courses available or books and CD´s for home learning either email for information, ring 965 999 047 or visit the website on www.elprincipecentre.com.

Level 2Starts Tuesday 29th November 2011, finishes Saturday 24th December 2011. Tuesday Thursday and Saturday mornings 9.00-13-00 Level 3Starts Monday 28th November 2011, finishes Thursday 22nd December 2011. Monday, Wednesday and Thursday afternoons 13.30-17.30 JANUARY 2012 Level 1Starts Monday 9th January 2012, finishes Friday 3rd February 2012. Monday, Wednesday and Friday mornings 9.00-13.00. Level 2Starts Monday 9th January 2012, finishes Thursday 2nd Feb 2012. Monday, Wednesday and Thursday afternoons 13.30-17.30. Level 3Starts Tuesday 10th January, finishes Saturday 4th February 2012. Tuesday Thursday and Saturday mornings 9.00-13-00

MANUELA MARTINEZ MENDEZ Qualified Gestora TAX RETURNS WILLS NOTARIAL DEEDS WORK & FISCAL REPRESENTATION

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Friendly faces & friendly prices from people you can trust

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AD AD--

NEWS The Spanish Mullet FUN by Mr Grumpy

If there is one lesson I have learned from my many years living here in

older - the hair-

Spain it would be this: Under no circumstances stare, and instead act

styles stolen

with total passivity and nonchalance in the presence of the ‘Spanish Mul-

from British

let’.

pre-adoles-

Growing up in the UK in the mid 1980’s, as a ten year old it was almost a

cents of the

competition that was held amongst peers to have the craziest and most

1980’s are still

outgoing haircut. Quite often this was only permitted during the school

very much in fashion.

holidays for obvious reasons.

Yes, I did say ‘Fashion’. I

WOM--

Hair would be spiky and gelled on top and long at the back. Some would

could not think of a more appro-

grow a ‘rat’s tail’, others would cut their hair short on top and have it

priate word.

permed at the back, a few would have streaks. Some twenty-odd years

It is by no means unusual to see a guy in his mid-

later me and my friends look back on any surviving photographs that

20’s sporting a mullet that I swear to god I last saw on one

have not been destroyed as evidence with shame and embarrassment.

of the Chuckle Brothers. And they do it with no sense of irony. The first

However, it seems that for many Spanish teenagers - and those much

time I witnessed such a thing my initial thought was that it must have been some kind of charity fundrais-

Stranger in a strange place

ing event and my second was that he must have been the victim of some horrific accident and was fortunate to

by Mr Grumpy

wear his hair in any way he could, let alone in a style of their own choosing.

I was on my way to my Spanish language class the other night. The course, which is kindly funded by my local Ayuntamiento for the benefit of foreign residents, is held in the local village school, and as I live in the campo I have to drive there. It was almost dark when I pulled up to the parking space and got my books out of the car boot to make my way across the car park and towards the school. As I walked away from my car I was conscious of about five teenagers stomping across the car park towards me. I gave them my best glower

and prepared myself to give the largest one a kick to the jangly bits before they could jump me and leave me in a puddle of my own bodily fluids. They ignored my glower and instead bid me good evening in faltering English and asked me if I had had a pleasant afternoon, and if I was there for the Spanish lessons. I was obviously taken aback at this new mugging tactic, until I realised that they just wanted the opportunity to practice a bit of English with me. The sign on the school gate, which I was heading for, together with the fact that I could not possibly

look any more English than I already do - even if I had a union jack tattooed across my forehead, told them that I was a reasonable target for them to chat with. I wonder, if roles were reversed in my local town in the UK, would the teenagers rush up to a stranger in a darkened car park to practice their Polish or Latvian or Urdu with them? Or would they be more likely to tax their unsuspecting visitors for the privilege of crossing their ‘turf’? My money is on the latter.

Half of the time I’m not sure if the haircut is aspiring to be a Mohican, or if the victim could not decide between wearing his long or short, and so chose both. And then there are the glasses. It seems that Spanish women of the late teen to mid-twenty age group like to wear crazy spectacles. Elton John would have to think twice. Particularly when coupled with a mullet, I am instantly reminded of watching Timmy Mallet on some Saturday morning kids TV program. Not especially an image that I would have thought many sexy Spanish chicas would have chosen to aspire to. Thank god they steer clear of the brightly coloured dungarees or they would not only look like they were from the 1980’s, but that they

WHY DO THE SPANISH HAVE A SIESTA? Since the siesta is the traditional daytime sleep of Spain, and through Spanish influence, of many Latin American countries, the word siesta has been taken from Spanish, from the Latin hora sexta – “the sixth hour” (counting from dawn, therefore noon, hence “midday rest”). Einhard’s Life of Charlemagne recounts the emperor’s summertime siesta: “In summer, after his midday meal, he would eat some fruit and take another drink; then he would remove his shoes and undress completely, just as he did at night, and rest for two or three hours.” Factors explaining the geo-

graphical distribution of the modern siesta are mainly high temperatures and heavy intake of food at the midday main meal. Combined, these two factors contribute to the feeling of post-lunch drowsiness. In these countries, the heat can be unbearable in the early afternoon, making a midday break at home ideal. In many areas with this habit, it is common to have the largest meal of the day in the very early afternoon, as is practical and common in cultures dominated by agriculture. The original concept of a siesta seems to have been merely that of a midday break

had been shipped in especially from Greenham Common. It needs to said that there are probably no greater number of offenders of the fashion code here in Spain than there are in the UK - it’s just that those who do offend do so with such enthusiasm that it is very fortunate for them that Spain abolished capital punishment some time ago. I’m quite certain that there is no greater number of offenders of the fashion code here in Spain that

intended to allow people to spend time with their friends and family. It has been suggested that the long length of the modern siesta dates back to the Spanish Civil War, when poverty resulted in many Spaniards working multiple jobs at irregular hours, pushing back meals to later in the afternoon and evening.

there is in the UK - it’s just that they flaunt their disregard and contempt under the noses of the fashion police over here. And they do so with such enthusiasm that it’s a good thing that capital punishment was abolished here some time ago. I would show more pictures, but I fear that I may be in breach of public decency regulations. Our thanks as ever to Mr Grumpy,

Be Original - ALL ABROAD! -TEL. 606 540 408

Decisions

Local Band

CHESS ‘A Victory for CHESS with VICTORIA’

By Suzanne Manners

Chess album review by Karen Biddle

ob Dylan sang: “I was so much older then I’m younger than that now”, and like his self critical alter ego in ‘My Back Pages’ I was a very serious teenager. I read only the classics (handily categorised as such in the literature section of W.H.Smiths in Ilford) oft seen with a thick copy of something by Dostoyevsky or in my more militant moments, Leon Trotsky (I once took home a copy of Vladimir Lenin’s ‘What Is to Be Done?’ but had to ditch it to stop my father repeatedly singing “I’m a Lenin on the lamppost at the corner of the street...”). Regarded with suspicion and even derision by my more fun loving peers (aforementioned fun normally consisted of hanging around outside W.H.Smiths waiting for me to emerge), not street smart or savvy or cool, not the brightest penny in the common sense purse and most definitely not one of the pretty, blonde girls whose charms had become blatantly obvious while mine were still hiding somewhere refusing to show their come hither faces, my teen years were tough. Life is cruel enough for a dorky teen but add ginger hair and freckles to the mix and you have the perfect candidate for persecution. Whichever omnipotent being thought that the colour orange was a good idea for human hair may just as well have tattooed a giant V for victim on my forehead and have done with it, in fact it could have been rendered in freckles. I have a theory that when humans were evolving there was a full solar eclipse sometime around the Neanderthal era and in the darkness the ginger gene snuck in and planted its freckled feet firmly on the evolutionary timeline. It was the punk era (Gawd bless ya Malcolm) that eventually freed me from the shackles of dorkdom. No need to be blonde or pretty. Monkey boots and Harrington Jackets covered with badges were my mode of dress and suddenly it was fashionable to read heavy tomes and be good at art. Siouxsie Sioux was considered the height of cool beauty and appearing in public with black eye liner streaked over your face was considered acceptable if not de rigueur. Several years, and a failed engagement, later, acceptance onto the Fine Art degree course at Goldsmiths College (Malcolm McLaren’s Alma Mater) completed my rise from gawky, quirky looking (and believe me that description is kind) frazzle haired teen into a cool, arty pre Raphaelite, Chelsea market shopping, French philosopher quoting, vintage clothes wearing, deep thinking, bore. I blush when I remember that person. I cringe when I recall those heated debates about Roland Barthes and semantics and whether or not it was correct in a post feminist, post modernist, (post haste) age to wear makeup and miniskirts and how honest was it to use paint when the Zeitgeist demanded that art workers (artist being too decadent a term) used found objects and scrap (we used to call this ‘skipping’)...oh how I would hate that girl now. Serious is a word that does not fully encapsulate the persona that was me. There was a metaphorical stick involved somewhere.

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But life intervened, as is her wont, sometime after my 25th birthday and suddenly Dostoyevsky, Barthes and Derrida no longer seemed important (having said that I’m not entirely cured of my snobbishness when it comes to writing, you would still have to staple anything by Katie Price to my eyeballs in order for me to read it) and like the caterpillar from the cocoon, the Butterfly of fun emerged at last... then flew into the flame of responsibility when my son was born. As we trudge through the smelly mud of adolescence onto the dark and slippery shore of adulthood we accumulate spores of responsibility which stick to us like bits of Sellotape. One of the most difficult to successfully remove is the decision making one. As children the only decisions we have to make are of the, “which side of the Mars Bar do I eat first” kind, or the difficult choice between a Stylophone or the new David Cassidy LP (One of the joys of adulthood is that you can buy yourself both, except now it would be a Springsteen CD and a bottle of Napoleon Brandy). Decision making is not one we can learn at school. The successful decision maker has achieved this state of grace through years of trial and error and the speed at which we educate children does not allow for a familiarity with trial and error. If only the decisions in my life were to do with eating Mars Bars (a definite no as they contain enough calories to sustain the population of a small country) if only the issues were as simple as wearing red knee length socks or blue tights (blue tights as the knee length sock look is not a good one for anyone over the age of 5). Making the best decision for ourselves or our kin is one that only experience can aid (although the offer of a well paid job with accommodation included would certainly help). Adults make mistakes all the time. I once decided that a tight curly perm was a good idea and that Ade the actor was actually a good bloke and would make a nifty boyfriend (and he was neither nifty nor good) and dear reader...she did not marry him, perm or no perm. This year I have a pretty important decision to make. If I make the right one it is hoped that my life will improve significantly, if, however, my decision turns out to be the wrong one then there is a distinct possibility that I and my son (poor sod always caught up in the wake of his mother’s inability to make a quick but decent decision) could be worse off. I am at this moment making a list of good points and bad points in the hope that one will be longer than the other making the whole process easier. Oh who will rid me of this grown up bit of Sellotape so that I can start having fun? Over to you Uncle Bob; “Ah but I was so much older then I‘m younger than that now.” I mean look at me I’m barely out of red knee high socks and short pants (???)

Lucky friends and followers of CHESS the band (well know locally as a tribute to Queen) were thrilled to get a preview of their first album. Due to debuted on Sunday in Torrevieja however Friday night at Huginn & Muninn the band made the decision just before going on stage to play a few tracks. One of the songs from the album VICTORIA has been available in a promotional video on YouTube. http://www.youtube.com/ watch?v=MBXgwfRKmk4 Entitled KILLING OURSELVES the track with the words spread around Facebook like wild fire as soon as its existence was known. Although this title may sound melancholy the track is anything but, a true rock ballad at its best it slipped in seamlessly beside well known Queen Tracks. The audience amazed the band by singing along word perfect. Saturday there was a large audience at the Benihofar fiesta which strangely enough was mostly English or perhaps Scottish!! The energy of the crowd fed back to the band creating an amazing atmosphere. So again the band added a few of their own tracks. Oddly prophetic as one of the songs is entitled FAITH the band changed in the rectory beside the church in the main square. For Sundays official launch the band had posted on the CHESS facebook page that this was a gala. For the English reading this our first thought was we’re going to play bingo but the Spanish immediately understood this to mean dress up in your finest as this was an important night. The Spanish were correct as I looked up the word “gala” in The Oxford English Dictionary - Origin: early 17th century (in the sense ‘showy dress’) Once we had got to the bottom of the dress code we were able to plan our outfits. I always begin mine from my feet so my precious boots I bought many years ago in Brighton still nestling in tissue in their original box were gently woken to prepare them for a night on the tiles. With an unusual mix of cocktail dresses and kilts (Scotland v Spain in Alicante) the excitement in the audience was tangible. The haunting intro CHESSITURE was played as the band made their way on stage. They kicked off with VICTORIA the title track already a favourite with the regular audience the men in kilts were quick to catch up. LEMON HEAVEN sat seamlessly between Queen’s Tie Your Mother Down and A Kind Of Magic. The tight vocal of FAITH combined with the depth of the lyrics gave it a haunting quality. LIMITED COMPANY is a great number with very eloquent lyrics, but Juanma’s solo SO MUCH BETTER NOW is stunning. His mix of vulnerability and sexiness made the whole front row instantly fall in love. But with an upbeat ending leading us straight into the track KILLING OURSELVES and a doffed cap to punk FAT BASTARD was one of my favourites for the sheer fun factor. Followed by Radio Gaga, Another One Bites The Dust, Bohemian Rhapsody, We Will Rock You and We Are The Champions to round the night off. The feedback and energy from the audience was electric and invigorating. Talking to some of the band afterwards they describe how the adrenaline kicks in and focuses them to always try and perform to their best whether the audience is 10 or 10,000 people. From the bands point of view their job is to entertain the crowd and they love to play music but especially their own. Now at home with my own copy of the album every time I listen a different aspect of it comes to me. Initially I loved the music. So well produced and so much depth to it but as I get to know it better and start to really listen to the lyrics I appreciate their power.

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NOVEMBER 2011

FANTASY FOOTY 2011-12

This season really is starting to hot up for the managers in the MASA international Fantasy Football League. Plenty of goals scored, conceded, injuries and cards to contend with for everyone. Some shock results, namely Man City thumping Man Utd on their own patch and QPR securing their ﬁrst home win of the season against Chelsea, albeit with the help of some dubious refereeing and self destruct defending from the blues.

Wandering aimlessly in European cities is well starred, especially down dark alleys in the rougher parts with particular luck dealing with Taurus ruffians until the clock strikes three on the 17th of the month. After that time the true meaning of the word ‘skeedaddle’ will become apparent to you for the first time in your life. You are about to absentmindedly mix the exact same serum they used when they made the 1957 horror movie The Incredible Shrinking Man. Don’t worry, it was only Orange squash. “Ah the magic of the movies,” thinks Planet Pluto. Your attempts at logic will fall short of the Star Trek Mr Spock benchmark by an historically large margin of 75% at times this month, especially when dealing with government or local authority departments, traffic wardens, or policemen under-quota on their ticket allocation towards the end of the month. Beware fat women with noticeable cleavage and arms filled with flowers this month, especially if you look kissable. Any creative endeavor will be improved 300% this month if you are leg bendingly drunk, until well into October. Writing the letter ‘s’ is your lucky letter this month.

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“Bottoms up,” “Down the hatch” and “There’s no use crying over spilt milk” are your liquid related lucky catchphrases for a large chunk of the month. A phone call from an overseas salesman is about to offer you an opportunity too good to miss, if only you could place his accent.

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Bald heads are set to become pivotal this month in some sort of decision or other. Keeping to a deadline has never been your strong point, but a cross bald person, under the influence of Saturn and a funky Neptune, is about to impose a deadline that cannot be ignored. Bunting, balloons and witty phrases hand painted on boards people carry at protests, are all well starred this month, especially if there is a red color involved somewhere. Talking expressively while holding food is set to, once again, become lucky this month, particularly if the food you are holding and waving about does not break up due to the movement. Get this down pat and people will start inviting you to dinner parties just to watch you do it. Hippopotamus is your lucky water mammal all month, as long as you don’t tell that old joke ‘why the long face’ near one, as there is a danger that someone in your group will actually find what you just said funny or annnoying. Beware conspicuous consumerism in all of its forms, but particularly beware the wording on those posh stiff paper carrier bags they give you in department stores when you buy something - check nothing rude has been put on one side which could doom you to Fail Blog hell for the rest of your walking life if you are photographed.

FOR POOLS

(Keeps pool warmer)

This could well be the most flamboyant month clothingwise in Leo history - enjoy it now because if a Republican president gets in next year it could be made illegal, or at least the hater comments you get on the streets made legal, particularly if you are a man.

Loud troublemakers are about to become useful this month especially as a diversion to your il doing, or cheap street entertainment that won’t be coming round with a hat later for a contribution. This month your destiny joins the end of the queue like everybody else...

SOLAR RINGS

page 22

Just in case Chris Foy, the referee from the QPR v Chelsea match is reading and contemplating joining the league we have decided continue the article in extra large font size just for you. At the time of writing the monthly report we still have a whole weekends worth of points up for grabs, so be sure to check the ﬁnal October standings by logging on to http://fantasy.premierleague.com So far this month we see Neil Parson and his team Pirelli Pirates top the table for points scored this month. He is closely followed by last year’s overall winner and Fantasy Football League Ninja Alan McGinn – Armoured FC. Ashley Perham and his team Santa Pola Bomberos appear to have put out their own ﬁre and have been unable to continue their blistering start to the season. The overall standings see Marray Rangers under the stewardship of Raymond Wilby top of the table closely followed by Rooney’s Rompers who are managed by another member of the McGinn Fantasy Football dynasty – Elliott ‘The Prodigy’ McGinn. Spare a thought for Damon Rose and his team Dive Academy. It seems that he’s not only an expert in taking scuba divers down to the bottom as proved by his position securely at the foot of the table. Good luck to everyone for November and don’t forget to check if you have won the October manager of the award by checking the league table online. To claim your prize of dinner for two at the Hotel MASA email me before 10th November – paul@masainternational.com

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YOUR COMPUTER Got a question? Ask Steve at ask@allabroad.es

Questions & ANSWERS

with Steve Haynes of My system has slowed down, what is going on? This week we are going to take a quick look at AVG 2012, and why so many of you are looking to change to another antivirus. Since AVG started rolling out its 2011 update there have been more and more of you contacting us regarding your system running slowly after upgrading. What we have found is that the system specs needed to run the new AVG are somewhat higher than the original series of AVG releases. The problem with this is that if your computer is running in a small amount of system RAM or a lesser processor then your system is going to take the brunt of this and things are going to slow down dramatically. As many of you know AVG’s FREE series are there to get you on the ladder to purchasing an antivirus package from them and will always remind you so. There is now a solution which has been released from Microsoft which is 100% free and fully functional. Microsoft Security Essentials is the name

Running in the background on your system MSE works silently like a mouse. It also takes very minimal amounts system resources and allows your system to

E REVIEW GAM Toki tori

keep running smoothly. If you are running a newer Windows 7 system then you will more than likely not encounter this slow down process if you upgrade from AVG 2011 to 2012, but do not forget Microsoft Security Essentials is the ideal companion for your Windows 7 PC. If you find that you have been going with the norm for quite some time then now may be the time to change and enjoy something lightweight, fast and effective. Microsoft Security Essentials is quick to download and totally free. Check it out online http://www.microsoft.com/securityessentials/ click the download link and very quickly you will be running the latest antivirus and hopefully running a little bit quicker for not very much effort. Oh and if you don’t like it then of course you can remove it and switch back to the norm for free

Steve Haynes

of the package and it supports Windows XP, Windows Vista and Windows 7. It covers you for Spyware, Malware and Virus infections and never informs you about updating to a paid version for more features.

Have you got a computer problem that you need some help with? if so either write to us here at the magazine or contact Steve direct on info@iber-tech.com or 96 671 8705

Toki tori is a Puzzle Platformer game created by Two Tribes. The aim of the game is for the player to gather up Eggs scattered about the level using a limited set of tools. These tools range from creating small bridges to a teleporter that allows you to travel a small distance. Once you obtain all the eggs the level is completed. The levels begin very simple and get trickier as you go along. The game is simple to get to grips with making it accessible to people of all ages. You take control of a small chick named Toki Tori that can jump up small ledges and climb up ladders as well as use a set of tools. There are eggs scattered around the stage. The aim is to collect them all in order to move onto the next level. Collecting the eggs isn’t easy though. There are many obstacles standing in the way and you must use the tools provided to overcome them. However you only have a limited supply of each tool and once you have run out you must either restart the level or find other ways to reach the eggs. On some occasions you are given unlimited use to one or two of the tools. These tools all have different uses and are introduced to you gradually as you progress. These tools allow you to freeze or move obstacles, build bridges, teleport short distances and suck up enemies with a vacuum. They are introduced to you gradually as the game progresses and you want be using them all until much later in the game. The game contains 80 Levels spread across 4 worlds (Forest Falls, Creepy Castle, Slime Sewers & Bubble Barrage). These worlds are all brightly coloured and all look great. Each world adds a new set of obstacles and traps to stop Toki Tori from gathering up the eggs. Toki Tori is available on PC for €4.49. Separate versions are available for iPhone & Nintendo Wii. Visit www.tokitori.com for more information and a downloadable demo. Jack Woolls

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Email: ask@allabroad.es Twitter: @allabroadmag Web: www.allabroad.es Or call us on: 606 540 408 Failing that: send a pigeon

HELP! Hi I wonder if anyone can help me, I sold my property over 30 months ago in Gran Alacant. I kept my bank

and give not a sound.

a.k.a. the streets, or the 60-year-old

The bridge builders were careless as

men yelling on every street corner,

you did say, but hopefully the courts

but something just keeps bringing me

will make them pay.

back to this country.

…and put so eloquently,

However, regardless of how many

thanks Mandy! X

times I hop on a plane for the dreaded Ryanair flight sitting next to a woman

account open for the tax refund after the sale of your property to be paid in (which I was informed take about 18 months) I have contacted the bank and the estate agent - reproved that I did own the property with copy of my deed been sent. I have spoken with everyone concerned and I keep going around in circles with this. Can anyone give the telephone number or e-mail address of the tax office I need to contact with this refund of taxes on the sale of your house abroad. Also is anyone else having problems or can anyone confirm that you do get a refund on the funds retained, all my affairs (electric etc.) were fully paid up. Any help will be gratefully received. Janet Webster I’m sure one of our experts will be on to you shortly Janet. Ed.

YOU’RE BARD! Mandy Tams The Jungle drums, I remember it well. From issue number one, we could all tell, A great little read and informative too, what a damn shame they have done this to you. We will support you still, in new All Abroad. Just keep in the good stuff; we don’t want to get bored. The letters and adverts have been a real treat it couldn’t be better, it’s right up our street. So good luck with the name, The magazine too. Will pick up the new one when we

GOOD, BAD AND...

out there, It’s a pity more people cannot play fair. The trolls are a gathering, they are all around, so watch your backs carefully,

a smelly vest, I will never get used to

www.allabroad.es

ON YOUR BIKE – IF YOU CAN AFFORD IT!

There are quite a few things that I

the language of Spain. I would never

could get used to about living here in

claim to be a fluent Spanish speaker,

Spain. One in particular, though, is the

I don’t even think I’d claim to be a

Spanish attitude. Spaniards just don’t

good Spanish speaker, but I do know

ended up doing not-very-success-

care; they don’t care what anyone

some Spanish. I like Spanish, but it’s

ful time-trials on (I never quite

thinks, sees, wears or does. They all

hard to learn and it sounds just as

‘beat the hour’ for a ‘25’) bore

wear watches and all of the buildings

much like French as it does Spanish

no resemblance to the sleek ma-

have clocks, but time does not matter

to me. And nobody likes French, let’s

chines you see in the big ‘Tours’

here. People mosey in and out of work

be honest.

today.

and school as they please.

In no city’s native tongues should

My racing machine all those years

By being consistently about 10 min-

“hasta luego” and “adios” mean the

ago was a ‘lightweight’ compared

utes late in the UK will probably get

same thing. I might come off as

to the great ponderous thing I

you sacked. Here? Nope, being late is

naïve or insensitive for saying things

was given for passing my eleven-

good; it is almost expected.

like that, but worrying about hurting

plus, but to compare it to today’s

Another thing worth mentioning –

people’s feelings is not something I

competition bikes is like compar-

nude beaches. This is something

do. But in order to defend myself and

normally men would comment on,

try to convince you that maybe I am

but I love it. It’s not that I have ever

a little more culturally sensitive than

partaken in the activity and not even

I appear, I will say this: I spent my

that I enjoy looking at others, but I

birthday with two Brits (in Spain) with

LOVE being around people who just

ladies from Spain -“Hasta la proxima.”

don’t give a fig. I feel like I fit in

Geoff. Manchester & La Marina

with these people. The funny thing

Er…hurry back…? Ed.

about nude beaches is that it is usually the older women who choose to participate in the ‘nude’ part of going to the beach. And believe me, this is not a pretty sight, but what’s good is that they could not care less what anyone thinks. They lay it all out there- literally. One side note (and this probably goes without saying): fat people should not be allowed to nude beaches…cover yourselves up; no one wants to see that. Grace, La Zenia So they should put up a sign with a weight limit at the nudist beaches Grace? Ed.

come to you. Can’t wait for the next break we have

with a crying baby or a fat man with

from the website

TOUGH ONE This isn’t my first time to Spain, and it probably won’t be my last. I don’t

Dad, I want a racing bike! Remember that request? I certainly do, and the rather flash Rotrax I

ing Stirling Moss’s unsophisticated machine to Alonso’s Ferrari, or, put it another way, your modern hatchback to a 1950 Ford Prefect. For a start, whereas I had to have a 25” frame to accommodate my long legs, now everyone has a tiny frame, with a downward-sloping top-tube, to keep the weight down, and just has a longer saddle-pin. And the frame is now

Why Some M en Have Dogs And N The later you are ot Wives: , the

made of carbon-fibre! Add to this the sophisticated

more excited yo dogs are to se ur e yo gears. In my day it was Dogs don't notic u. e if you call the another dog's m fashionable to ride fixed by na Dogs like it if yo me. u leave a lot of wheel in time-trials – now the floor. things on A dog's parents no-one considers that an never visit. Dogs agree tha t option, and not only are voice to get yo you have to raise your ur You never have point across. gear-changes smooth, they to wait for a do ready to go 24 g; they're hours a day. are usually electronicallyDogs find you amusing when you're drunk.. operated, at least in the case A dog will not wa ask, "If I died, ke you up at night to of the big teams. This raises would you get another dog?" the price, already likely to If a dog has ba bies, you can pu the paper and be around 6,000 euros for a give them away. t an ad in A dog will let yo u top-of-the-range machine, by it without callin put a studded collar on g If a dog smells you a pervert. something like double. another dog on they don't get mad. They jus you, t think it's I wonder if I should have interesting. If a dog leaves, it won't take ha ‘beaten the hour’ on one of stuff. lf of your

these super-bikes? Though I’m

To test this the ory: sure Dad wouldn’t have been all Lock your wife an for an hour. Th d your dog in the garage that eager to fork out! en open it and happy to see yo see who's u.

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tantly where to pick up your All Abroad every month. If you are a business and not on the list, give me a call at All Abroad Towers and (like Star Trek) I’ll ‘make it so…’ I don’t know where the Star Trek analogy came from there but we’ll stick with it for now and but adapt another one so that we can say we’re ‘baldly (if you’ve seen our photographer Mark Welton) going where no one has gone before’ – well us anyway and entering into to new areas in the region. Albatera is the latest recruit to get all

ASPE Bull & Dog Bojangles Puntovet HONDON DE LAS NIEVES Bar Central Aj;S Supermarket Pellicer Celebrations HONDON DE LOS FRAILES Vienteocho Tobacconist Buena Vista Sinatras LA ROMANA Finishing Touches Beckis Malvinas Book Shop Tivoli Bar Pinoso El Refugio K’j’s FORTUNA British Supermarket Leana Teatro Café Camping Bob’s Bar El Paraiso Bitthisbitthat Scissor Sisters Castle Bar

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ALL ABROAD! - all our own ideas.

aboard All Abroad and with others in the pipeline over the coming months –

if we’re not in your local shop yet – ask them ‘why not?’ and to drop us a line here and I’ll be along (on the scooter) to…er…make it so… Since we started out as Jungle Drums in 2004 we’ve concentrated on the coast but with more and more expats asking us to take All Abroad to other areas (now we’re also distributing in La Zenia, Villa Martin, Campoamor,

and Los Balcones etc.) it gives us more opportunities to write and explore the region for you. We try to make sure that none of our readers are disappointed and can’t get a copy of All Abroad – which readers will know, disappears from the shelves and bar tops pretty rapidly after distribution on the 5th of each month – so what I’m trying to say really is, if you miss a copy one month – give us a shout here and we’ll do our best to get one to you. Businesses. For a fully comprehensive guide to our distribution and print run (with real

figures…) contact Dave Bull on, 606 54

4087 or email him at, dave@allabroad es and he’ll explain all – probably from a café somewhere…

ROJALES Blondies Tylers Bookshop BENIMAR Breeze Bar The Card Place Quicksave American Bar Studz Corner Flag BENIJOFAR Saf€Way Pinks Hair LA MARQUESA GOLF Quicksave The Club Bread Basket Eve’s Plaice QUESADA Old Don Carlos Johnson’s Half Way House Business Centre Muebles 43 Howards Gym Building DONA PEPA Mailroom Lo Marabu Bar SAN LUIS Chicken Shack La Bodega Maximo Da Vinci

TEL. 606 540 408

ALTOS DE LIMONAR Shannon Johnson Supermarket LA SIESTA Waikiki HABANARAS Spec Savers Carredent GUARDAMAR Pick & Pay Snacks To Go Tourist Office Bar Mediterraneo Tyres Direct Performance Diesel LA ZENIA Sam Widges Gogarty’s VILLAMARTIN/ EAGLES NEST. Morgan’s Bar OK Gym - Los Dolces, Villamartin Campoamor Casa Nicolas The Spar Supermarket - La Fuente, Campoamor. The White Rose Tea Room - Lomas De

we’re EXPOSING ourselves

at the Lifestyle Expo 4th, 5th & 6th November FREE entrance!

IFA centre

(next to Alicante Airport) come along, say hello, do a little dance...? No...? anyway Dave Bull will be there if you want to have a

chat about anything to do with All Abroad....or anything else for that matter, (He gets lonely...)

HOTEL RESTAURANTE

MICHEL

Santa Pola CAMPOAMOR The Square Bar - La Ronda, Lomas De Campoamor El Limonar, Torrevieja. SANTA POLA Rowlands Renault Poseiden Prensa No7 C/Elche Prensa C/Muelle Prensa Dive Academy Mar Cristal GRAN ALACANT Life Resot Cocoas Marco Polo Quicksave Bar Sioux Paripe Lunares La Tomata On Stage Tentacion Tourist Info/ Town Hall Top Alacant Destinations Tutti’s Suzie Screws Victoria Chasers Just Desserts Dick Turpins Pharmacia Francesc Agullo Hugin & Mullin

Centro Optica Sunset Cas Nova Ocean 11 Sandhills Phoenix Cork Bottle Candies Bailey’s Supervalu Bowls Monte Y Mar Restaurant Darby’s Churchills Flannagan’s Euronics Shamu LA MARINA URBANIZATION Club Cars, Petrol Station Hillside Bar, Calle Bilbao Picasso Restaurant Falken Tours El Matador Restaurant Euronics LEJA Il Sole Sport Cards & More Party Time Clinic Commercial Area, Phase One, Ave Londres Phoenix Bar Crafts & More

Cagneys La Marina Lavaderia Antonio Fruiteria(Trinis) Av Londres Cuts R Us IPG Estate Agents OP Rentals Pasty Shack Woosies Chippy La Marina Animal Welfare Zafira PHASE FOUR White Swan The Star British Dentist AJ’s Bar Bobs Bar Quicksave Woodstock Barclays MONTE VICTORIA CENTRE Kiosk Newsagent The Angel Sports Bar Our Plaice Fish N Chips Sanudent Dentist Bar Dreams The Lounge Restaurant Tourist Office Heartbeat

GymSatellite Roundabout International Stores Cathey & Audrey Estate Agents Bar Stop Doing Yer Head In Fishing Shop CONSUM SQUARE Zodiac Restaurant Bar Rojo’s Newsagent Kiosk Final Whistle Westminster Estates The Barber Temptations Café Louis Dry Cleaners Cornish Pride Chief O’Neills Simply Aircon George English Bar VILLAGE Headlamp Exchange Almarcha English Bar Furniture Shop El Barco Café/ Bar

18,95€

SPECIAL ENU HUNGARIAN M

up Wild mushroom so me

s, cre with root vegetable noodles de ma me ho fraiche &

11th & 18th November 7.00pm Reservation only

10% DISCOUNT for reservations

oked

Traditional slow-co beef goulash with rice

‘Somloi galuska’ ked of sponge cake ba

3 kinds te and with vanilla, chocola nilla rich va th wi ed yer La ts. nu with chocolate cream & served ce sau

Hotel Restaurante Michel C/ Felipe II No. 11 Santa Pola

Tel. 96 541 2096 - 609 67 33 77 w w w. h o t e l m i c h e l . e s

STILL the cheapest advertising around- TEL. 606 540 408

BRISAS DEL FARO GA 043 3 bed, 2 bath, 80m2,

186.000€ pool, solárium, garage

GRAN VISTA GA058 4 bed, 2 bath, 144m2,

206.000€ sea view, pool, parking

MONTE Y MAR OLIVO DE ORO MONTE Y MAR GA022 3 bed, 1 bath, 75m2,

85.000€ Upstairs, parking, pool

MONTE Y MAR GA036 3 bed, 1 bath, 75m2,

98.000€ pool, garden, parking

GA136

200.000€

3 bed, 2 bath, 92m2,

GA086

120.000€

NOW 110.000€!!

fire place, 2 bed, 110 m2 garden, 2 bath, pool, 135m2,

solárium, pool, basement

SUEÑO AZUL DON PUEBLO GA126

185.400€

3 bed, 1 bath, 80m2,

FRONTLINE 2 gardens, parking

GA134

126.000€

2 bed, 2 bath, 72m2,

The fraiegnednlty...! estate 24

ALL ABROAD! - all our own ideas.

TEL. 606 540 408

pool, solarium, parking,

BOB’S BAR BANOS DE FORTUNA

Tel. 681 317 447 Open Every day 12.30-late

Fridays: QUIZ & BINGO from about 9.30pm Sundays: 7.30pm QUIZ NIGHT max 6 per team - ROLLOVER JACKPOT!

Commisssion-free AUCTION

1st Tuesday every month

(Lots in 12.30pm - Auction starts 2pm)

Premiership & International football on

HUGE PROJECTOR SCREEN Soak up the atmosphere Sky Sports / ESPN

SATURDAY 19th November Karoke With Geordie Phil

EVERY SUNDAY Paellla only 3€ Every Wednesday evening PASTA + DRINK

€4.50

reservations only

menu del dia / noche Various Tapas Friday Fish/Chips 5€ Xmas menu all incl. 25€

LAS KALENDAS - FORTUNA tel. 666 413 912

Saturday 26th November Party/diSco New yearS eve Saturday

31St december

Free GraPeS

Open: 12pm- late (Closed Sun Eve & All Day Tuesdays)

BAR - RESTAURANTE

PA R AIS O’’ L E ‘‘ MENU del DIA

10€

NOCHE

12€

SUNDAY LUNCH from 1pm FREE bottle wine per couple

BOOKINGS NOW BEING TAKEN FOR OUR

FORTNIGHTLY FRIDAY AUCTION from Sept 30th

7 COURSE XMAS LUNCH

Ctra. Pinoso BANOS de FORTUNA - Tel 693 525 867

PROPERTY IN SPAIN The problem of oversupply, The problem of oversupply, particularly with the amount of repossession properties coming on to the market shows little signs of easing up. In the first quarter of this year alone a reported 16,000 homes have been put up for sale by Spain’s beleaguered banks. Unfortunately for the banks, it would appear these properties are not attracting international buyers as much as the banks would have hoped. Having survived through two previous Spanish property market crashes, MASA International who celebrate their 30th Anniversary and the winning of Best Real Estate Agency in Spain at this years International Property Awards, should be better placed than most to speculate on the recovery of the market for property in Spain this time around. Those buyers who find themselves in a position to take advantage of Spain’s biggest ever property downturn are extremely demanding. Only properties of the highest quality in the very best coastal locations are even considered. The briefs we receive for this type of property simply cannot be met by the colossal property stock that banks are holding. The properties that have been repossessed are usually in poor condition or of low quality, in less than prime locations. Add to the mix that the banks are looking to recover a debt plus administration costs of between 15-30%, the end price is nearly always considerably higher than comparable properties on the regular market. For these reasons today’s buyers are largely shunning an increasing number of bank repossession properties. Buyers are savvy and they realise that even with the carrot of 100% mortgages they do not want to take on a property in a second rate location with an over inflated price tag and be immediately in a negative equity situation. Yet while the outlook is not so rosy for the bank properties it would appear that key indicators that signalled the end of the last major downturn in the early 90′s are once again present this time around. The savings and loans crisis that contributed to the recession and subsequent abrupt halt of the Spanish property boom in the early nineties. The disappearance of UK buyers almost overnight during this period left Spain with over supply of housing and large knock on effect to the Spanish economy. This is where we begin to see some striking similarities to the market in Spain now. During the last downturn, it was the Germans who in some way took up the mantle of principal foreign buyers of homes in Spain and kept things ticking over nicely until the return of the UK buyers in even greater numbers than before by the mid nineties. The credit crunch that began in 2007 saw an immediate retreat from the British who quickly lost confidence in a market that had seen prices escalating massively, combined with a number of well publicised horror stories of Brits that had fallen foul to a some unscrupulous developers and town hall planners who were attracted by the seemingly endless supply of foreigners desperate to secure their place in the sun. This time it has been the turn of Scandinavians who while in no way replaced the Brits, certainly did their bit by snapping up the best of the reduced priced coastal properties. Over the last year we have seen fewer and fewer sellers in these prime areas that are prepared to sell cheaply. It would appear the most of the desperate vendors have now exited the market and we are now at the point where just like at the end of the last recession new build projects are starting to return in Spain. The return to building is coming from a number of established Spanish builders who are fortunate enough to be sitting on land acquired often many years ago and who do not require finance from banks. Prices of materials and labour has come down significantly and with an increase in demand for modern coastal homes particularly from the Scandinavians in. It appears lessons have been learned as the new propprop er erties being constructed are of a much higher standard and generally larger than we have seen in the past. For the first time in several years, sales of new properties to foreigners are about to outstrip second hand homes once again. Just like at the end of the nineties downturn, the launch and demand of new build homes signals better times ahead for what has been a most brutal and turbulent time for Spain’s property industry.

STILL the cheapest advertising around- TEL. 606 540 408

kids

WOMEN

WHY WE’RE GETTING FATTER

We spoke to the experts to find out what they see as the reasons behind the global obesity epidemic. Recent studies suggest that by 2030, there will be 26

million people in the UK who are obese - a rise of 73% from the current 15 million. Over in the US, it’s predicted that there will be 65 million more obese adults by 2030, if trends continue. However, the problem extends around the world - in Australia, one in four women are obese, while you’ll probably be surprised to learn that a shocking seven out of 10 women in Tonga are obese. We take a look at the reasons why we’re getting fatter. Digital dilemma When was the last time you walked to the postbox, visited the post office or popped over to a friend’s house just for a chat? With social networking and smart phones, we’re able to carry out all these tasks without getting up from the sofa. “With the internet and other forms of communication such as social media and

smart phones, more people

made versions.”

are becoming dependent on

this form of communication,

Diet dilemmas

which then leads the indi-

According to Robert Houtman,

viduals away from an active

managing director of National

lifestyle,” points out Austan

Slimming and Cosmetic Clin-

Torson, owner of the Utah

ics, while the majority of

Live-In Fitness Camp.

overweight people would love

“They find themselves eating

to shed a few pounds, the

and snacking on unhealthy

problem is that they simply

foods because of the con-

don’t know how to. “Lack of

venience, and will consume

dietary information is a huge

more calories than they burn

problem,” says Robert. “Very

throughout the day.

few diets actually teach you what you should be eating.

Takeaway trouble

Instead they focus on the

Kebabs, burgers and take-

‘fast’ weight loss. All these

away pizzas may all look

fad diets counting points or

more appealing when we’re

eating only protein or just

short on time, but the decline

cabbage soup have no educa-

in popularity of the home

tional value whatsoever. So,

cooked meal spells disas-

as soon as you stop the ‘fad’

ter for our waistlines, says

diet you simply go back to

Nathalie Jones, freelance

your old eating habits.”

dietician and founder of www. nathalie-jones.co.uk. “People

Fast food

eat outside of the home

You only need to peer into

more often,” says Nathalie.

a McDonald’s and watch the

“There’s a shift away from

hordes of teens chowing

homecooked meals that can

down on salt-laden fries and

be made healthier (with

burgers to realise that too

less added fat and more

many people simply aren’t

vegetables, for example),

aware of the effect such food

towards grabbing a ready-

can have. “There’s a lack of

made sandwich for lunch or

education on the type of food

a takeaway on the way home

to consume and the amount

from work - both of which can

of those foods we should be

contain two or three times as

eating on a daily basis,” says

many calories as the home

Iain Reitze, managing director

of the Prestige Boot

little effort. “Our bodies are

Camp. “This education should

still hardwired for a different

start at a very young age so

and far tougher world, one

it can continue into the teens

where survival required find-

and eventually be passed

ing food, a world when there

on to their children also. For

might be periods of famine,

example, on average a male

followed by feast,” points out

should consume around 2,500

Angela Walker, founder of

calories a day to maintain

www.fabulousnutrition.co.uk.

weight but in the USA the

“In that type of environment,

average calorific consumption

it’s pretty helpful to have the

is currently 4,000 calories a

type of hardwiring that fa-

day.”

vours storage during times of excess or feast that will help

The evolution issue

you survive through times of

Millions of years ago, organis-

famine. In our current world,

ing an evening meal was a

the food we are surrounded

much more strenuous affair,

with doesn’t necessarily meet

while these days, micro-

the needs of the bodies we

waves, fast food outlets and

have.”

takeaways mean preparing our food has never been easier - or required such

Retro Disco Services Tel - 608 893 944 Alicante - Albatera - Costa Blanca - Costa Calida - La Romana - La Marina - Murcia Fortuna - Hondons - Mazarron - Pinoso - Gran Alacant - Santa Pola

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ALL ABROAD! - all our own ideas.

TEL. 606 540 408

WHAT DO I MISS ABOUT SPAIN?

a few things about being back

to keep the child in a routine it

“Home” in Spain:

seemed a shame to send them out of the way before they could

The Children - Difficult to explain

chill out with the rest of the

– especially of you are not a

family – be taken out to Parks

parent! - I was back in the UK

and Bars or Restaurants or

in August and every night all

whatever.

of the Toddlers (and under 5’s) As much as there are many

were sent to bed at 7pm sharp,

It was also noticeable how few of

things that I love and Miss

regardless of whether Dad had

the older children were playing

about the UK, whenever I

got back from work and given

in gardens and the streets

return for a break to see my

them a kiss goodnight, regardless

(regardless of time and day) -

family and friends and do a

of whether they were tired or

where are they all? - At home

bit of shopping, it doesn’t

not. It was simply the done

watching TV or Playing Computer

take me long to start missing

thing!- Whilst it may be good

games?

WOMEN

Weight Loss Myths - Test Your Fitness IQ

WHY MEN DIE FIRST...

Careful ladies...they walk among us!

with Richard Draper

You’ve tried virtually every “diet” you can think of and still haven’t lost weight. Or, perhaps you’ve lost weight only to quickly gain it back. You feel like you are in a never-ending battle that you just can’t win. Does this sound familiar? Stop beating yourself over the head in frustration! To help you get started on the path to permanent weight loss and healthy living read below to learn what’s true and what’s false in the world of dieting. Take the quiz below to test your knowledge and you’ll learn what it really takes to beat the scale. Read each question and answer true or false. Then read below to find out whether or not you guessed right. 1. Skipping Meals Is a Good Idea 2. You Can Spot Reduce Certain Parts of Your Body 3. Eating Late At Night Makes You Fat 4. If Something Is Fat Free, You Can Eat As Much As You Want 5. Eating Less Than 1200 Calories Will Accelerate Weight Loss 6. Salads Are Always A Great Eating Out Choice 1. False. The idea behind this myth is that you’ll consume fewer calories in the entire day. The reality is that you probably will consume at least the same amount, if not more. Skipping a

Men Are Like... ... Blenders. You need one, but you’re not quite sure why. ... Chocolate Bars. Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips. ... Coffee. The best ones are rich,

meal lowers your blood sugar. Low blood sugar usually makes you very hungry. In return you end up eating quickly and probably making poor food choices when those hunger pains come a knocking. Eating several small meals per day helps you stabilize blood sugars and control your appetite. 2. False. If you slave over 200 sit ups a day, it still isn’t going to get rid of your spare tire. Fat is lost evenly throughout the body. You can’t focus on one body part and only work it in an attempt to reduce that fatty area. To help a trouble spot you must focus on overall fitness - aerobic workouts, strength training, good nutrition and more. That’s the only way to reduce extra fat. 3. False. Your body doesn’t determine your weight based on WHEN you eat. It just cares how much you eat. What’s important is determining how many calories are coming in versus how many are going out. You need to find the right balance based on how much your eating and exercising. If you take in more calories then you burn, then the extras will be stored as fat. That’s true whether you eat at night or not. 4. False. For the most part, a calorie is a calorie is a calorie. Sure, it is a little more complex than that but just keep in mind that

warm, and can keep you up all night long. ... Commercials. You can’t believe a word they say. ... Computers. Hard to figure out and never have enough memory. ... Coolers.

for every extra 3,500 calories that you take in and don’t burn off, you will gain a pound. Does it matter if all of those 3,500 calories are fat-free? No! Your body just cares that the extra calories were consumed. Plus, fat makes you feel full. If you don’t eat enough of it, you may find yourself constantly hungry and you may end up consuming more calories than if you had eaten something with fat in it.

5. False. In fact, it may have the opposite effect. Too few calories per day causes your body to adapt to a minimal amount of food, and slows down your metabolic rate. The body may think it’s “starving” and actually hold onto every bit of food to ensure survival. Then, when you begin to eat normally, your calorie needs are reduced and you end up gaining more weight even though you are consuming less food.

6. False. Sometimes you’d be better off eating a burger than a salad. Many restaurant salads are dripping in high calorie, high fat dressings. Plus, they often add fatty toppings like croutons and bacon bits. If you are going to choose a salad, be sure the dressing and extras don’t sabotage your calorie counting.

Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere. ... Copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that’s about it. ... Curling Irons. They’re always hot, and they’re always in your hair.

... Government Bonds. They take way too long to mature. ... Horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong. ... Lava Lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

WOMEN

STILL the cheapest advertising around- TEL. 606 540 408

QUALITY NEW AND USED FURNITURE We buy - sell and part-exchange New stock daily Separate large Bedroom shop stocking new and used beds

Also at: ZOCO MARKET Every Sunday large air-conditioned shop within the market

British bedding ‘An Kitchenware A l a d dins Ca Small electricals ve o f ideas!’ Lamps Candles Pictures Within the main shop in Elyseos Playa/ Mar Azul we now have a large dept sellMirrors ing New Household Items, everything to complement the home from the decorative to the practical.

Opening times Mon-Fri 10 – 7pm (No siesta) Sat 10 – 2. Items to sell and enquiries call:

965 715 605

www.new2you-furniture.com info@ new2you-furniture.com

PAUL DALTREY FREE no-obligation ESTIMATES

Est.2008

R OR E T N PAIECORAT D

THIS ‘BONO’ HAS FOUND WHAT HE’S LOOKING FOR.

Rob Bloomer talks to Dave Bull about his life as a singer and how moving to Spain has helped fulfil his dreams in life. Being a lifelong U2 fan and living on the Costa Blanca Rob Bloomer’s life is a dream come true; to be able to earn a living doing something that is so close to his heart and in the superb climate of Spain’s south-east coast based in Spain on the Costa Blanca Rob performs

• • • • • • •

Professional & Reliable Odd-jobs General Maintenance Plumbing Repairs Friendly experienced service Electrical Tel.

620 363 499

along the coast as his extremely popular alter ego and U2 tribute ‘Just Bono.’ but Robs singing career began many years ago back in the UK, in the west midlands to be precise, and by accident. On a night out and after having ‘possibly a few more beers than I needed’ he was asked to make the numbers up in a karaoke final, not having tried anything like it before Rob gave it a go with just the idea of having some fun but to his surprise he won, and not just cash prize but the chance to do some recording too. That was the first time that Rob realised that he actually could sing and from there he went on to form some bands with pals and perform at charity gigs in the west Midlands.

ALL ABROAD! - all our own ideas.

TEL. 606 540 408

culminating with an impromptu concert, by Rob, whilst waiting to go in the Staples Centre in Los Angeles 2005 with at least 500 people U” mad fans surrounding him and joining in with guitar to accompany him. The same thing happened again later in the year in Las Vegas when the fans recognised him from LA and he was asked to perform again, realising that he was actually quite good at it he at last formed a U2 tribute band U2-4u who toured the UK building a good reputation until Rob decided it was time to go solo as Just Bono. After relocating to Spain two years ago Rob has once again made his mark and is now a fixture on the costa Blanca doing a live U2 performance almost every night and in that short period has

Singing covers of their favourite bands the friends soon built up a reputation but Rob’s business meant time was limited and he couldn’t dedicate as much time as he wanted to his passion but in the early 90’s the tribute scene kicked off and Rob, being in the right place, joined “Fred Zeppelin” who are now recognised as the band who were the instigators of the (now huge) tribute movement, ‘Fred’ along with a band called ‘Limehouse Lizzy’ were the big names in the tribute scene in the UK at that time. Rob has always been a massive U2 fan and thought joining ‘Fred’ would be a step towards what he was always destined to do, front a U” tribute band, but in the meantime ‘Fred’ had really taken off and they were beginning to get noticed. Three of four times they were visited by Robert Plant himself (see pic) who was very impressed. Rob continued to front the band for a few more years; growing a reputation as the best frontman in the midlands but he was still restless and moved on to form a Black Sabbath tribute which, again, was successful but he knew inside that he wasn’t heading where he wanted to go. He had already been following U2 all over the world and had begun to get recognised as being an amazing lookalike,

endeared himself to the residents and tourists; Spanish and expats alike. Blissfully happy with his life in Spain, Rob, who will be making an honest woman of girlfriend Sue in October, is a showman (very much like his lookalike, the real Bono) and puts on a performance his hero would be proud of; mixing with ‘his’ fans and charming the ladies with ballads before jumping on a table or hugging a pair of police officers! Full of life and with an appetite for living the life in Spain Rob says he couldn’t be happier in his adopted home of Spain. And living along the coast from Torrevieja he has his days to enjoy the sunny sands of the Costa and the nights to live out his destiny; performing as his hero to big, and adoring crowds.

EXPAT LIVES

STILL the cheapest advertising around- TEL. 606 540 408

PROPER TY OF T HE MON TH

November Offers SALE! Homes in Spain

LA MARIN A URB 3 Bed, 2 R nished, e Bath, Det Villa, C ef 303 x conditio om Pool, Furn. Very c ties. This lose to is a g LOOK BA reat offer, must b all amenie RGAIN P RICE! €11 viewed. 5,000

El Oasis Catral

La Marina

La Marina Ref:579 €129,000

Ref:584 €375,000

FABULOUS 4 Bed, 3 Bath, Det Villa with Sep built Summer Kitchen with accommodation, Pool, No expense spared, Carport for 4 cars, Land 3000m2, Build 300m2

Catral

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Bed, 2 Bath, Det villa, pool, air 4 con, Villa has been extended ,must be viewed at this price!

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La Marina

BARGAIN!

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SPACIOUS 4 Bed, 2 Bath ( 1 is Ensuite) Det villa, South east facing, fitted wardrobes, Carport, Furnished, Land area 2400m2, Build 150m2

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LOVELY 3 Bed, 2 Bath, Det villa, pool, Glazed terrace, carport, Solarium, Land area 220m2 Ex cond

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SMASHING 3 Bed, 1 Bath, Quad on Phase 2. Com pool, solarium, conservatory, good condition, perfect holiday home

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Ref:L 510 €86,000

LOVELY 2 Bed, 1 Bath ground floor Apartment, great first time buy, furnished, Com pool, short drive to beaches of Torre la Mata.

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BEAUTIFUL 2 Bed, 2 Bath ( both en-suites) Sep W.C. Open plan Lounge, Kitchen and dining area, Covered terrace, Land 2115m2, Build 83m2

MENU DEL

DIA 8€

Mon-Sat

28€

Dinner + Show

a choice of:

3 Starters 3 Mains

Reservation

Recommended

3 Desserts Incl. Bread, Drink & Coffee

966 69 53 99

9€

For Additional Show Times Please Call

Sundays & Fiestas

All Abroad! - THE fun mag!

TEL. 606 540 408

LADIES FASHION ALL SIZES

DL1 Boutique 17 Calle Los Arcos Ciudad Quesada Tel. 603 241 110

new stock arriving every 2 weeks WINTER shoes & boots ACCESSORIES WINTER fashion SHOW watch this space If we havenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t got it - we can order it for you

Time to treat yourself!

ALL ABROAD! - original thinking. TEL. 606 540 408

966 180 006

clubcars@mail.com

www.clubcars.co

D? all BORED? all BORED? all BORED? all BORED?

1. Epsilon follower 2. Noble 3. Dennis the Menace was one 4. Dict. or ency. 5. Remodel 6. ___ de Cervantes 7. In the style of 8. Title for Paul McCartney 9. Must 10. Boors 11. Detect, in a way 12. Van Morrison’s motherland 13. Worry 18. Area sheltered from the wind 19. Quid pro ___ 23. Like a lot of email 24. Thieves 25. Sport 26. It’s sewn onto garments 27. Dirge 28. Home of the ‘Soap Box Derby’ 31. It could be bald 32. Agitates 33. Beatified 35. Move a mattress, say 37. April 1912 name in the news 38. Word of triumph 41. Cuckoos 42. Popular PBS program 47. Resonating consonants 49. A bad shot in billiards 52. Cheers, for example 53. Joshua tree 54. Decoration 55. Grp. formed in 1950 56. Once more 57. Kenton or Laurel 59. Univ. with most NCAA championships 60. Big name in bags 61. Layers 63. Co-winner (with Kissinger) of 1973 Nobel Peace Prize 64. Kind of atom 65. Milne character

Across

1. Volume with a lot of volume 5. Up to snuff 10. Student’s org. 14. Designer Cassini 15. Followers of Muhammad ibn Ismail ad-Darazi 16. Kinks hit 17. Columbus caravel 18. Strauss material 19. Sign 20. Does this mean I’m ignorant or... 23. Reagan’s ‘Star Wars’ project, for short 24. Relative of 17 across 25. No spring chicken 28. Marches 32. Tie a knot 35. What the ‘fat lady’ sings 37. Susan on “Coupling” 38. La Sorbonne, e.g. 40. ... that I don’t read this guy’s books or... 43. ___ voice (conscience) 44. Just a drop 45. Knows what’s up 46. Make lace 47. Takes in 50. __ Spiegel 51. Collection 52. Shaq’s shoe width 54. ...that I don’t buy this guy’s booze? 63. Sound of displeasure 64. Shocking 65. Having the resources 66. Eric of Monty Python fame 67. In reserve 68. Lawsuit 69. Word with swap or track 70. Leveled 71. Sherpa’s specialty

Down

1. ‘Flakey’ tiger 2. Hodgepodge 3. Dish list 4. Euphemistic expletives 5. How to make glycerin explosive 6. Weight allowance 7. Type of rock 8. B __ Baby 9. Item oft lost in the couch 10. Onetime sprint record-holder, for short 11. Luigi’s capital city 12. Guiness 13. It has a turret 21. Takes too much LSD 22. More prudent 25. Smoking, e.g. 26. Place for spectacles 27. A well-known one is green 29. Ditch plants 30. Emcee’s concern 31. Capital of Senegal 32. It needs dressing 33. Lift up 34. Furnishings 36. Downed 39. Pigeon patter 41. Caper 42. Firmly inserted 48. Waco campus 49. Last word in “America the Beautiful” 51. Not a liability 53. Pass a bill 54. Notion 55. Make like Waldo 56. ___ of Man 57. Poet and feminist of the Americas (18951965), Lee 58. Calif. neighbor 59. Courteous 60. Girder 61. Ultimatum word 62. Vichyssoise ingredient

2. Ships - Einstein’s Riddles There are 5 ships in a port. 1. The Greek ship leaves at six and carries coffee. 2. The ship in the middle has a black chimney. 3. The English ship leaves at nine. 4. The French ship with a blue chimney is to the left of a ship that carries coffee. 5. To the right of the ship carrying cocoa is a ship going to Marseille. 6. The Brazilian ship is heading for Manila. 7. Next to the ship carrying rice is a ship with a green chimney. 8. A ship going to Genoa leaves at five. 9. The Spanish ship leaves at seven and is to the right of the ship going to Marseille. 10. The ship with a red chimney goes to Hamburg. 11. Next to the ship leaving at seven is a ship with a white chimney. 12. The ship on the border carries corn. 13. The ship with a black chimney leaves at eight. 14. The ship carrying corn is anchored next to the ship carrying rice. 15. The ship to Hamburg leaves at six. Which ship goes to Port Said? Which ship carries tea?

Answers:

Down

Riddles - Answers below 1.Bear - Einstein’s Riddles The famous physicist allegedly made this riddle for his scholars. A fellow encountered a bear in a wasteland. There was nobody else there. Both were frightened and ran away. Fellow to the north, bear to the west. Suddenly the fellow stopped, aimed his gun to the south and shot the bear. What colour was the bear? If you don’t know, this may help you: if the bear ran about 3.14 times faster than the fellow (still westwards), the fellow could have shot straight in front of him, however for the booty he would have to go to the south.

Fun Fact: The moon. 1.It all happened on the North Pole. When the man shot, he must have been right on the North Pole. Getting it? So it makes sense to assume that the only color the bear could be was WHITE.

1. Lion food, perhaps 6. Big sitcom of the 70s 10. Restaurant VIP 14. Like some seals 15. Pelvis parts 16. One due to get something 17. Shapely part of London 20. Word on a keyboard 21. A little in Lyons 22. Tank top 23. Abrasive material 26. Spring 29. Kind of gin 30. Croat’s relative 34. Mineral salt 36. Declaration 39. Feel rough 40. Shapely part of the Atlantic ocean 43. It may be inflated 44. Chromosome content 45. Parts of oarlocks 46. ___ Anderson (“Rose Garden” singer) 48. ___ La Douce (Shirley MacLaine role) 50. Fly fisherman’s apparel 51. Ethiopia, formerly 55. Capital of the Bahamas 58. Command to an attack dog 59. Word of disgust 62. Shapely part of the globe 66. Color for the San Jose Sharks 67. ___ En-lai 68. Baseball legend, Ryan 69. Holds 70. Top notch 71. Provokes

Fun Fact Where is the only place in the universe where a flag flies all day, never goes up or comes down, never flies half-mast and does not get saluted?

2 Spanish ship goes to Port Said and French ship carries tea. However, tea can be carried by the Brazilian ship, too, if you understood position ‘to the right’ as anywhere on the right side from the given point (not only right next to).

Across

Word riddle

RED? all BORED? all BORED? all BORED? all BORED? all

all BORED? all BORED? all BORED? all BO

BORED? all BORED? all BORED? all BORE Word: CERTAINLY

Estate Agents Victoria, Estate Agent Victoria, established some 30 years ago, offers its clients a top quality service, which can only be offered by a company exclusively devoted and experienced in property services with a long running track record on the Costa Blanca property market. Over the years, Victoria Estate Agent has satisfied the needs of all its clients by searching for and acquiring their properties. Our priority has always been the “wellbeing” of our clients and looking after their interests not only at the time of buying but also with an excellent after-sales service. We offer all type of help to our clients including the arranging of inheritance tax when losing one of their loved ones, making it as painless and easy as possible. Our charges are far lower than what one can find through other means. Anyone who wishes to be informed about our costs or would like a quote, also enquire about all the other services we have to offer, then please call at our office in Gran Alacant at any time and under no obligation what-so-ever. All our staff have a good knowledge of the English language and we also have a German speaking member of staff.

FEEL AT HOME

Although the last couple of years have not been easy for any of us, we are optimistic that this year we shall start to see some improvements in the property market.

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inmobiliaria - estate agent www.victoria.es

‘aving a laugh...?!

Harold, R: TEACHE a person you call g when what do on talkin s p e e k o wh ger interre no lon a le p o e p r ested? A teache : HAROLD

Roger, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together. After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it’s Roger, Again he is ready for more ‘action’. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Roger is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more ‘action’. And, once more they enjoy each other. But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, ‘I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger..’ Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: ‘You mean I’ve been here already tonight?’ The moral of the story: Don’t be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer’s has its advantages.

TEACH ER: always Glen, w get so hy do y dirty? GLEN: ou closer W ell, I’m to the g a lot round than yo u are.

TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his? CLYDE: No, sir. It’s the same dog.

Millie, give TEACHER: ting star e tenc sen a me with I. I is.. MILLIE: No, MilR: CHE TEA lie..... Always say, ‘I am.’ All right... MILLIE: r of the lette h nint ‘I am the alphabet.’ TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louis, do you know why his father didn’t punish him? LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand....

Glenn, how do you TEACHER: ’ ile? cod ‘cro spell K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L’ GLENN: No, that’s wrong TEACHER: Maybe it is wrong, GLENN: how I spell it. me ed ask you but Maria, go to the map TEACHER: ca . and find North Ameri is. it re He : MARIA Now class, ct. rre Co TEACHER: erica? who discovered Am . ria Ma S: CLAS

TEACHER: DONALD: TEACHER: DONALD:

THE AUSTRALIAN APPROACH

Who said there were no good stories in the newspaper anymore! PERTH - An SAS trooper collecting toys for children was stabbed when he helped stop a suspected shoplifter in east Perth . The ‘Toys-R-Us’ Store Manager told ‘The West Australian’ that a man was seen on surveillance cameras last Friday putting a laptop under his jacket at the store. When confronted, the man became irate, knocked down an employee, pulled a knife and ran toward the door. Outside were four SAS Troopers collecting toys for the “Toys For Tots” program. Smith said the Troopers stopped the man, but he stabbed one of them, in the back. The cut did not appear to be severe. The suspect was transported by ambulance to the Royal Perth Hospital with two broken arms, a broken leg, possible broken ribs, multiple contusions and assorted lacerations including a broken nose and jaw... Injuries he apparently sustained when he tripped whilst trying to run after the stabbing. One of the Troopers said, “He was a clumsy bastard.”

Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? HIJKLMNO What are you talking about? Yesterday you said it’s H to O.

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‘aving a laugh...?!

Why, Why, Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

wHy?

Why do banks charge a fee due to insufficient funds when they already know you’re broke? Why is it that when someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the universe, you believe them but, if they tell you there is wet paint, you have to touch it to check?

door at ed on my k c o n k r u o My neighb , can you is morning uckily for him I 2:30am th ?! L at 2:30am es. believe th my Bagpip g in y la p p u ll ti s s wa

Two patients

limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement. The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn’t reviewed for another week and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then.

Why is it that, no matter what color bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?

Why the different treatment for the two patients?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

The FIRST is a Golden Retriever. The SECOND is a Senior Citizen.

Why do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections? Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him? Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? Whose cruel idea was it to put an “s” in the word “lisp”?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialised? Why do people run over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance? Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the first end you try? How do those dead bugs get into enclosed light fixtures? When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart, then apologises for doing so, why do we say, “It’s all right”? Well, it isn’t all right, so why don’t we say, “That really hurt, why don’t you watch where you’re going?” Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over? Why, in winter, do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat? How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

Think a gallon of petrol is expensive?

letter I’ve just had a wre Sc m back fro ey th id sa ey Th . fix regretted at to inform me th ally a tu ac t no ’re they . cy dating agen

This makes one think, and also puts things in perspective. Diet Apple Juice 16 oz €1.29 ........... €10.32 per gallon. Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz €1.19 ........... €9.52 per gallon. Ocean Spray 16 oz €1..25 ............ €10.00 per gallon. Brake Fluid 12 oz €3..15 ............. €33.60 per gallon. Vick’s Nyquil 6 oz €8.35 ........ ..€178..13 per gallon. Pepto Bismol 4 oz €3..85 ........... €123.20 per gallon. Tippex (White out)7 oz €1.39 ........ €5.42 per gallon. And this is the REAL KICKER. Evian water 9 oz €1.49 ................ €21.19 per gallon. €21.19 for WATER and the buyers don’t even know the source. Ever wonder why printers are so cheap? So they have you hooked for the ink. Someone calculated the cost of the ink at: €5,200 per gal ...

MY GIRLFR IEND THIN KS THAT I’M A STALKER. WELL, SHE ’S NOT EXACTLY M Y GIRLFRIEN D YET.

I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl. I kept thinking to myself, please don’t get an erection, please don’t get an erection...but she did.

and talking ’re always pushing me around A wife says to her husband you el chair do you expect? You’re in a whe behind my back. He says what

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