jungle drums

this month...

POWER OF ATTORNEY IN SPAIN

Spanish driving .. look out!

KIDS WRITING COMPETITION WINNERS STORIES INSIDE!

PARDON OR PADRON? What is it?

...AND DON’T FORGET –

THERE’S SOMETHING BIG COMING THIS MONTH!!! (oo..er Mrs!)

JALES O R R A DAM NERAS A A - GUAR B N I A R H A M O A & PINOS POLA - L A CA A N T A N M A O S R FLAMEN A TL A N Y A A S C L N A P W L O & A D NO G G RAN RA - HON G - PUNTA PRIMA E N T I A R B L E A OI COV CATRAL - CABO R A J E I V E TORR

DID YOU KNOW...?

Pulling the wrong

Did you know that... the oldest city in the US was founded by the Spanish?

City: Saint Augustine

this month month this 5 ANDREA...

So there we were…me, the Russian and the Croat.

piece of string between your legs and

Power a man in need of of attorney... help...

We were sitting in the town square watching kids

then pulling it ‘up’ as far as it will go?

9 NATURE...

8-9 KIDS OF BSA... fan belt warmer...?

playing - you know what Spanish kids are like;

Apart from knowing what it feels like to sit

they’re not allowed to grow up too quick. A teen-

atop a fence I can’t see any other pluses to wear-

ager rode around us on his BMX wearing a babygro

ing it…surely it’s like someone giving you a ‘wedgie’

while an embryo kicked a football with his bigger

all day? And anyway how can anyone justify wear-

brother using the bandstand as a goal. Mums had

ing something that costs more than it weighs and

circled the prams and were enjoying a fag while

what was more than likely, in a previous life, dental

adjusting their G-strings (in January) and the nans

floss?

6 COLIN

the winners...

19 FINANCIAL TIMES. money, money, money...

13 MORTGAGES... how to get one...

27 GUARDAMAR... things to do...

15 MOTORING...

28 SANTA POLA...

sat and watched all

Anyway, Mila (the Russian),

the while feeling a

Sergi (Croat) and me we’re

sharp breeze in the

discussing the future and I

websites...

31 QUESADA... crazy horse writes...

21 PUZZLES...

33 LA MARINA... easy, peasy... urb news and events...

nether

but

happened to mention that

what can you expect

I live with another man,

if you sit with your

my son. However, before

legs at ‘ten to two’?

I could get the final part

Nearby a technician

of the sentence out they

6 COLIN25 JOKES...

of

was

then began rattling along

a man in need himof&help... her..

working down a man-

in some other language

9 NATURE...

HOROSCOPES...

29warmer...? fan belt

hole,

wingingdrive it... safe n spain...

29 GRAN ALACANT...

17in COMPUTERS... maureen the USA..

looking ahead...

19 FINANCIAL TIMES. money, money, money...

31 MORE JOKES...

27 GUARDAMAR... ho ho..er..ho... things to do...

EVENPOLA...

MORE JOKES...

2841 SANTA winging it...

men...

29 GRAN ALACANT... maureen in the USA..

38 BUSINESS DIRECTORY...

All you need to call...

31 QUESADA... crazy horse writes...

33 LA MARINA...

urb news and events...

and much much more

and much much more

regions

some

sort

fifteen

(no idea but it sounded like

feet down to be ex-

the alphabet had about six

act. How did I know?

letters…and none of them

I just walked up to

vowels) and then turned

the edge of the hole

their attention to me. ‘We

and

about

&

peered

thought you were gay,’ said

in…no

barriers, cones of safety markers of any kind…but

Mila with Sergi nodding sagely alongside. ‘I don’t

no one fell in. Imagine that in the UK and you’d see

know what it is but it was obvious to us from the

people checking that they’ve got their ambulance-

start…’ and on they went discussing and reassuring

chasing lawyer’s number in their BlackBerry before

me that it ‘doesn’t matter’ without waiting to hear

chucking themselves in like lemmings…it’d be the

my side of it. I let them get on with it – I’ll explain

same in America – although they probably wouldn’t

one day that I am totally heterosexual; I’m useless

fit…

when it comes to matching curtains with cushions,

Just quickly can we go back to the mention of

I don’t watch Eurovision and I’ve not even got an

thongs…? (and send your answers on a postcard

ABBA album…well, just the one…

please) but can someone (female, cos it is mostly the ladies) please tell me the benefits of tying a

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POWER OF ATTORNEY IN SPAIN

andrea burns

QUALIFIED GESTORA

A power of attorney is a mandate given in writing before a public notary by the donor (person giving the power of attorney) in favour of a third party (attorney).

This important tool is commonly used for sales, purchases and other transactions when a party to the deed cannot attend personally. By virtue of the power of attorney the attorney is legally authorised to carry out certain acts on the donor’s behalf.

Please note that a power of attorney executed before an English notary will need to be legalised with the Apostille of the Hague (at the Legalisations Department of the Foreign and Commonwealth Office) in order to be valid in Spain.

SPANISH PROBATE/INHERITANCES SPANISH WILLS CONVEYANCING POWER OF ATTORNEY

Fiscal help...

The powers given by the donor depend on the transaction. A Spanish power of attorney usually covers a sufficiently broad spectrum of powers for a specific legal act. For a purchase of a property it usually includes the attorney to open, close and operate bank accounts, set up direct debits, make payments for the account, arrange utility contracts, pay taxes, submit forms and send and receive notifications to and from different authorities, etc.

Therefore, the attorney is authorised to carry out all the necessary steps involved without the need to receive further authorisations.

It is the donor’s choice to grant a more or less limited power of attorney, but it is always a good idea to take the notary’s advice on what should be included.

In Spain, most powers of attorney are valid until revoked. But once your house is sold, as an example, the power of attorney granted for that specific transaction is no longer of any use. If you own more than one property in Spain and wish to sell one of them, make certain the authority is granted for the property in question only.

Otherwise, it is advisable to revoke the power of attorney once the transaction is completed…unless, of course, the attorney is the trusted spouse!

The donor can revoke a power of attorney at any time. This needs to be done by executing a “Deed of Revocation of Power of Attorney”. You might have guessed, authorised by a public notary, who will notify the attorney of the revocation.

In general, a power of attorney is automatically terminated by death of the donor or the attorney.

By law the attorney is not allowed to use the power of attorney once the donor has died.

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leave a pint of blood either…

THE PADRON .

GETTING REGISTERED....

without getting pregnant.

What is the empadronamiento?

If you apply in person you will be issued a volante de empadronamiento on the

‘Empadronamiento’ doesn’t mean you’re pregnant so don’t sit there worrying

spot and to do that just pop down to your local ayuntamiento to find out exactly

thinking you may have to get up the duff as part of ‘living the dream.’ What it

which desk you need to go to. They’ve also asked us to let people know who

refers to is the process of registering with your community’s padrón (town regis-

divide their time between more than one Spanish community that they should

ter), which is the official record of all the people who live in a particular commu-

register in the community where they spend the greater part of their time.

nity and is the only way to register your stay in Spain. And By law, everyone who

The volante de empadronamiento is free, but to obtain an official certificado de

resides in Spain, whether full or part time, should be registered in the community

empadronamiento, you may or may not have to pay a fee, depending on where

where they live.

you live but in most situations, the volante is all you’ll need for official procedures

you can apply as an individual or as a family, and whether you are here in Spain

the official certificado is generally only needed as required by national or foreign

legally or not, you should consider registering with your local padrón, as it pro-

bodies.

vides innumerable benefits if you intend to live in Spain for any extended period

Ok…got a suitcase…?

of time – not only for you but for the whole town or community.

Required documents for getting empadronado

getting empadronado (remember you don’t have to sleep around…) means that

Since you will be dealing with a bureaucracy, you will need to take both the

you’re considered an official resident of your community and some say that you

original and a photocopy of each required document (though you won’t need to

should consider this your first step to integration into Spanish life – although get-

photocopy the application form itself).

ting ‘bladdered with the locals’ is a popular method too. However, the empadron-

Requirements do vary from municipality to municipality, so it’s best to check with

amiento is the way that your stay or residence in Spain is verified or accredited

your local ayuntamiento but the most common required documents are:

– a necessity for a variety of administrative procedures and to be able to do the

◦The application form (hoja de empadronamiento): The office that processes the

following:

applications will be able to provide you with one.

◦Enrol your children in local schools.

◦Documentation that accredits your identity (and those of your children if you

◦Get married.

are applying as a family): Passport, DNI or national identity card, residency card,

◦Apply for a local health card (el carnét para la asistencia sanitaria).

NIE, etc.

◦Vote.

◦Proof that you live where you say you live. (not a photo with the dog on the

◦Apply for certain visas.

lawn…)

◦Apply for residency by way of a general amnesty.

If you own your own house or apartment, you will need to provide a copy of your

A city or town receives money from the government to provide services to those

title deeds (escritura).

who live within its jurisdiction Based on the number of inhabitants, which means

If you are renting a house or apartment, you will need to provide a copy of your

that if you’re registered the area receives money to provide services on your

rental contract signed by the owner, utility bills in your name, or receipts for util-

behalf, regardless of your legal status. It’s therefore in everyone’s best interest

ity bills that you have paid in your name.

to have an accurate count of who is really living in the community and using (or

If you are renting a room in a house or apartment, you will need your landlord

potentially using) the public services in question.

(or a roommate who is already empadronado) to vouch that you are living at

Useful words you may need (although ‘for chrissake!’ didn’t translate…)

that address. This usually means that they have to sign your application form

(el) padrón/Padrón Municipal de Habitantes=The official municipal record of how

and furnish a photocopy of their DNI or passport, or even better is for them to

many people live in a particular area.

accompany you to the local council to present their ID in person.

(el) empadronamiento=Registration with your municipality/community.

Renewal: If you are not a European Union national AND do not have a permanent

(el) volante de empadronamiento=A temporary or informal certificate of your

residence visa (autorización de residencia permanente), you will need to renew

registration as a member of the community. For most of your local needs, this

your empadronamiento every two years. In all other cases, you will not need to

should be sufficient.

renew. Your community will consider you a resident until they hear otherwise.

(el) certificado de empadronamiento=The official certificate of your registration

However, if you move, have a child, or if any of the information you have pro-

as a member of the community. You may need it for certain legal procedures with

vided changes, you will need to update your information with the padrón.

national or foreign bodies.

When moving to another community within Spain: Once you get empadronado in

(la) hoja de empadronamiento=The application form you’ll need to register with

your new community, your old community will automatically be notified on your

your community.

behalf. If you are moving out of Spain: You will need to notify your community

(el) ayuntamiento=City or town hall.

that you are moving out of Spain so they can update their records accordingly.

Getting registered one has to take part in that Spanish tradition of filling out a

If you are moving to another address within the same community: You will need

form and gathering together the required documents but considering the ridicu-

to notify your community that you have moved so they can update their records

lous amount of bureaucracy required for certain other official

accordingly.

procedures, the empadronamiento is relatively simple and you won’t have to

That’s all folks…!

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Imagine…

Writing about something is not simple and writing a story is definitely not easy. Correction, writing a story well is not easy, but when, back in December, teacher at BSA Suzanne Manners spoke to us about a writing competition for the kids at the school we agreed straight away and then wondered what we’d let ourselves in for. As it turns out it was a real treat and the kids at BSA should be proud of their efforts as we were amazed at just how good (and imaginative) some of them were so i’m not going to take up any more space waffling on…just enjoy.

Here we’ve presented the winners and I know you’ll agree, after reading them, that the future is safe in these kids hands…the stories are brilliant for such young ages….so we can all relax now then.

We asked: ‘What one thing would you add to your school to improve it?’

The Unknown World of Seasons

By Olivia Jane Topp Age 10

At the top of the school there’s a room that teachers don’t know about. To get there you need to pass the secondary block. Then an old wooden door in the shape of a giant beetle will appear at the end of the corridor. Go through it and then you will be in the Unknown World of Seasons (only children can enter). When you enter you will see things from spring, like humon humongous golden yellow Daffodils and Dandelions, gigantic shimmering flower Mantises and colossal green houses filled with brightly coloured butterflies.

You can ride on enormous grasshoppers that will fly you up into the air and allow you to smell the flowers. The flowers smell like sweet honey straight from a bee hive.

When you see the bare trees of winter you will enter Winter Wonderland. You can see snowy, white ice icebergs, furry Polar Bears, black penguins, little baby seals and huge igloos.

You can ride on polar bears, feed penguins, play with seals, sit in igloos and sail on icebergs.

You can also go fishing and ski down immense mountains covered in snow.

When you walk on to the bright yellow sand you know you are in summer. You can see deep blue sea, lots of colourful umbrellas, extra long towels and a shop which sells sail boats. You can ride on the sail boats, play in the sand and lie on the towels under large umbrellas.

When you see trees with orange, yellow and red leaves you know you are in autumn. You can see lots of leaves on the floor and the temperature is getting colder.

When you leave autumn a door will appear. Walk through it and you will find yourself back where you started.

10

IVONNE

The Helmet

By Ivonne Fernandez If I could add something to the school I would add a machine that looks like a helmet so that we could wear it all the time.

What the helmet would do is transport you anywhere you wanted. All you need to do is to think about that place and you would be there. So, if we are studying sea creatures we can think about the beach. Or if we are studying ancient Greece we can go back in time to see what it was really like.

I would also add special chairs with buttons. If you press one button you get cookies or cakes and another button would give you a relaxing massage.

The last thing I would add is a ‘gravity simulator’. The simulator is a big oval shaped capsule, which has a big fan inside.

The fan is used to lift you into the air as if you are in space with no gravity. To make it more realistic there would be images of space on the walls of the capsule.

The

Play Room

By Jemel Richards

A Space ship

By Maria Garcia We found it in El Corte Ingles in the middle of the food hall inside a hole. We fixed it up and we now use it at school to transport us places.

• In Geography; to learn about other countries and places.

• In Science; to see animals, plants and more.

• In History; to go to the past. It’s incredible! Imagine being in the middle of important events.

We can use the ship for other things too. If something is happening in the world you will be there in a second or you can jump to the future.

We have put it on the patio because it can change its appearance to blend into the background so nobody can steal it.....wait a minute....where is it?

By Inés Tretter

The Magic Room I think BSA is pretty good. But there is always a way to make it even better by adding something new to it.

What about a theatre? That would be great, don’t you think so? We could perform plays, dramas, comedies, assemblies....etc.

There could also be an enormous costume room with dresses of all types, like African or Indian...for the plays of course. But what if there could be something very, very special. A magic room, where the people who have been really good in school could choose two or three other people and pass through a magic door that would take them to a mysterious place....

Imagine it is you and your friends. You could find yourself in the story of Narnia, Little Red Riding Hood, or Atlantis. You could go to the past or the future, or even better, you could find yourself going to school on an alien planet! What would be so exciting about it is that you would not know where you were going until you got there.

But, even more interesting you could become one of the characters or even an alien.

For this exciting adventure you would receive a set of instructions or a bag with information about the place and some things that would be useful, like a map. Just imagine that you are on an alien planet wouldn’t you need a map or an alien language book to guide you. If you went to space you would need a soft and comfortable astronaut suit...if you don’t already have one at home that is....but I doubt that you do....or am I wrong?

I would like to put a big play place in my school to improve it. It would have a massive slide, a door to the non gravity room, bungee jumping, a swimming pool, a laser gun room and a drama room.

The massive slide would twist and turn and on it there would be a button to make you go faster, also when you got to the bottom you could eject and land in

some mini

balls.

The non-gravity room would be huge, the size of five rugby pitches. You would put on headphones to block out any noise and get a book to read. There would be laptops too, but remember it’s a non-gravity room so everything would be floating. So it would be a heap of fun....or annoying.

The bungee jumping would be fun, a drop of 1000 metres to begin!

The swimming pool would be humongous with a shallow end and a deep end so deep there would be space for scuba diving with fish and coral.

The laser tag room would be safe and fun. You would wear a safety suit and be armed with laser guns you would form teams and compete against other teams.

In the drama room would be all my favourite actors.

11

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14

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“VIVIENDA EN CONSTRUCCION” Notarial Title Deeds Spanish Wills

your attention to a matter that could create a lot of trouble if you decide to sell your property.

You may think that you have every docu-

Power of Attorney

ment to sell your property (Deeds, Certifi-

Private contracts

cate (nota simple) or you read your Deeds

Conveyancing

struction).

Land Registry searches

house has been built and finished many

Electricity and water contracts

the required paperwork has not been pre-

Rates contracts Fiscal Representation Tax returns for Residents & Non Residents

cate of Habitation, supplies contracts,...) but if you apply for a Land Registry Certificarefully, you may possibly see “VIVIENDA EN CONSTRUCCION” (house under conWhat does this mean? You may say “my years ago...’’ Yes, it has, but if this sentence appears in your documents, it is because sented to the Land Registry office to remove this encumbrance.

This has just happened to Mr. X, who was near to losing the sale of his property because of it. The bank was not giving the mortgage to the buyer as the Land Registry certificate stated “VIVIENDA EN CONSTRUCCION”. Finally we obtained the required documents to remove this encumbrance and Mr. X could sell his property, but this situation caused a lot of stress and worries between both parties. It could have been avoided if this encumbrance had been removed from the Land Registry beforehand.

Fiscal numbers (N.I.E.)

If you want more information about

House & Car Insurance

us for a free a consultation, we will be

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INVERSE MORTGAGES

You may need an extra money to cover your needs, and not always your children and relatives are in a position to help.

If you are over 60 and you need: - Home assistance or medical care - Pay a retirement home - Help your family in their projects - Or simply HAVE A BETTER QUALITY OF LIFE you can apply for a mortgage on the property you own, and receive monthly payments. You will not be responsible for the repayment in all your life but your beneficiaries, who will pay the debt that you have generated once you are not here. You may even get fiscal advantages if you are ove 65 and the house is your permanent address New financial formulas Due to the actual financial situation, the mortgage market has suffered a u- turn of 180 degrees and what in the past we could get easily, nowadays it is practically impossible to obtain.

Nowadays a large number of people are in unemployment situation and because of this, their names appear on delinquency lists and due to this fact they cannot apply for a mortgage at the bank. Because of this, there have appeared new entities which do not look up the delinquency lists, do not take into account our working situation, but they will only require as a guarantee the property, land or car that we own.

Your age is not a handicap either. These new entities will not take your age into account and people over 70 years old will be able to enjoy of the advantages of a mortgage.

Doors are not closed for those who have any kind of embargo; these entities may also solve the embargo by mortgaging your property so that you get liquidity to pay the debts.

You may find a solution to your situation by contacting these entities.

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16

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Be Safe Be Legal The new year nearly always brings suprises and change within the spanish bureaucracy and this year seems to be no different when purchasing a second hand vehicle.

MOTORING in Spain Hmmm…

out on to the highway

Officially Spaniards drive on the right

like a Lewis Hamilton. In the

side of the road, and normally over-

city traffic be especially aware of

to transfer the vehicle ownership. This means

take on the left. Unofficially the rest

the many motorbikes and scooters

that never has it been more important to check

drive where they like and overtake

(motos.) They can appear out of no-

and double check that you see sight of the cur-

and undertake pretty much when

where and seemingly sometimes, by

rent paid receipt before buying. The town hall

and where they want. I’ve noticed

magic. Some motos like to weave

too that a few drivers also have a

in between lanes and cars while

habit of leaving the indicator lights

they carry their precious load of car

against the car if they themselves do not pay

on for about 300 kilometres but I’m

spares...or a pizza. Sadly, some-

it. The words “don’t worry about the road tax”

always prepared for them to turn the

times, they get knocked off and end

may be used by a dealer to secure a sale, but

opposite way in the end. By law cars

up going off in an ambulance...

please do worry and ensure all is paid up to

coming from your right have the right

But surprise, surprise, speed is to

of way and cars that are already on

be the main cause of accidents here

the roundabout have the right of way

which is strange as Spain has a

whether they are doing a ‘lap’ in the

reputation for laid back attitudes and

caravan onto spanish plates without going

outside lane or not. Another good

tardiness; it seems the Spanish are

through the “engineer from Madrid” and saving

one to remember when driving on

in a hurry to be late…

yourself hundreds of euro. This will depend on

to motorways or dual carriageways

dates that you bought the caravan and when

is keep in mind that many Span--

As of 1st January, trafico no longer need to see proof of payment of the annual road tax in order

(suma office in alicante) will chase the previous owner for the road tax but failing that the new owner may find an embargo or debt registered

date before you go ahead.

Secondly good news for owners of caravans. It may now be possible to put a foreign registered

you sign on the spanish padron at the town hall.

This change will make things much cheaper for the plate transfer which in the past has been

ish drivers are not overly helpful in making room for incoming cars – slip

expensive if the vehicle does not have euro-

roads are looked upon like an invainva

pean homologation.

sion I think.. You might have to come to a full stop in the entry lane to a

Thirdly if you have a spanish drivers licence then you can now be notified by text or email of any road fines as and when they occur. This may be ideal for any person renting or loaning a vehicle so that they can make sure the fine is paid by the guilty party and not themselves

motorway one day.

But when you spot a split-second

ONE WAY

gap between the cars flashing by, just close your eyes; grit your teeth and hope for the best before flying

a few months later when the fine arrives in the post.

Import taxes remain the same. But with many cars now having lower co2 emissions this may now not be as expensive as in the past.

For any further info or help with any of the above, please contact amanda on 625864373 or email vicspain@hotmail.com

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“for all your home and business computer needs”

“BlueMoon Solutions is the computer and IT services company on the Costa Blanca. We aim to provide high “quality computer services at realisrealis tic prices - we specialise in providing services to small businesses and home users”

Welcome to this month’s computer article written by Richard from BlueMoon Solutions This month we look at a few websites I have been told about that might be of interest, one or the crafters and card makers out there and the other is for any sport mad people out there.

Broadband Setup

A customer recently told me about a good website for watching sport TV for free using

either email the new image to your friends or download a copy of it. The website is

New Computers & Laptops in English

your computer. The site address is www. fromsport.com and looks pretty easy to

free for anyone to use, however if you want

Repairs & Upgrades

use. Just navigate to the website, choose the game that you are inter-

features then you can subscribe for only $2 a month.

Compatible Ink Cartridges

to gain access to a whole host of additional

ested in watching. Looking at the screen now, its showing

Finally,

Website Design

Australia vs England. Click on the little TV to the right

another great iphone applica-

of the game to watch it. It’s

tion for all of you

Competitive Rates

a bit ‘pot luck’ as to whether

that were lucky

you get to see something or not and some of the pages

enough to pick up an iPhone or

require you to install adad

iPad for Christ-

ditional software, but I was able to get some video workwork

mas. This one’s called Star Walk

ing without too much hassle.

and you do have to pay for it, but its only

Phone Calls Using Your PC

Interesting Websites...

PC and Server Health Checks

I

have

£1.79 for the iPhone or £2.99 for the iPad,

Macro Writing

Of course before you do any of this type

the app is amazing, download it and hold

Microsoft Office Training

of thing, especially downloading software

your iPhone to the night sky, it figures out

from the Internet you should make sure that your antivirus is up to date and run-

where you are in the world and what direction you are pointing the phone in and

ning, for those of you, like me, that are us-

shows you an image of the night sky, with

ing the free edition of AVG the latest version is “AVG Free Edition 2011”, these guys

the stars, consellations and plants all annotated. As you move your phone the image

seem to have taken the Microsoft approach

updates showing you detailed information

Server Monitoring Backup Solutions Web and Email Hosting Windows Server Configuration Network & Wireless Setup Anti-Virus & Security No Call Out Fee No Job Too Small

Email or phone us for friendly help and advice office@bluemoonsolutions.es

when

numbering

about the part of the sky

their software, the previous version was

you are pointing at, it really does have to be seen

version 9.5 and be-

to be believed!

fore that version 9, now we are on ver-

If you would like to read

sion 2011 and that was released last

any of our older articles then they are all available

year in 2010 – nowt

(yes all 4 years’ worth!)

as queer as folk eh?

at www.bluemoonsolutions.es, just click on the

Another great website I have been in-

articles button.

troduced to recently

www.bluemoonsolutions.es

(thanks Tracy!) is www.dumpr.net – its one all you crafters

mobile: 655 044 970

create great photos that you can then share

Office: 902 906 200

will love.

This simple website helps you

with your friends. It’s really easy to use, all you have to do is select an effect, upload your photo and then you’re done; you can

19

Icicles on The Costa Cati Ridge Walk

by Bob Morris

I spent most of November and all December last year in the UK on the border of the Ribble Valley and the Yorkshire Dales. Cold is an understatement, crystal clear skies but temperatures not getting above minus 9 during the day and much much colder at night. One week there was no water for 6 days. However I still managed to get some walks in and one of my particular favourites is a 10 mile hike behind the market town of Settle in the Yorkshire Dales. In a valley leading down to a hamlet called Stainforth I took pictures of icicle formations by the river.

Fast forward to Saturday 22nd January to my walk and icicles on the Costa Blanca!!

Three of us set off from Gran Alacant and the skies were as clear as in the Dales but the temperature somewhat better.

We were driving to the Cati Ridge near to Petrer.

You follow the A31 to the Petrer turn off and at the bottom of the exit slip road turn right and follow the signs to Xorret de Cati and the mountain range. This road used to be a dirt track nightmare where you never exceed 10 kms per hour but then came the Tour of Spain bike ride and the whole camino was tarmaced and is now a joy to drive as you gradually climb through the valley.

After about 6kms you reach the hotel Xorret de Cati. From the car-park we headed up to a narrow

6

wooded cleft which led to the ridge. In geological terms it is an Arete which is a steep ridge formed by two glaciers eroding away on opposite sides of the ridge (like Striding Edge in the Lake District).

It is a scramble up this cleft to the ridge itself and they have put thick wire rope into the side of the rock face which you you can use to help with the climb. At the top the ridge stretches ahead of you for about 3 kms and the views all round are spectacular. As you walk there are sheer drops on your left where you can see the road you drove up. On the right are gentler slopes with small trees and bushes. The weather was perfect walking weather and we had lunch on the ridge,out of the wind, taking in the incredible views and the silence.

At the end of the ridge it was a steep descent into a valley which was out of the sun and where the stream was completely iced over. At the head of this valley was a cave with magnificent icicles hanging fro above the entrance. I sent some pictures to my son Daniel in the UK who had walked the Dales with me.

It was then a less strenuous walk of about 5kms back to the hotel with fabulous views of the whole length of the ridge. Then it was a race back to the pub to watch the Saturday afternoon football as one of the walkers is a keen Newcastle fan.

If you are not into walking a visit to the hotel which is in parkland is worth a visit for the views alone.

MEMORIES OF AFRICA

by Malcolm Palmer... part one

‘I had a farm in Africa,’ said the superb

robi traffic and take the road north. The

evident. We took the sandy track into the

Meryl Streep at the beginning of the film,

sight of thousands of workers walking

park, and there, immediately, were our

and the memories of Karen Blixen live on

(and running) miles into the city gave a

first big fellows – and how big! Reticulated

– a whole leafy suburb of Nairobi is called,

clue as to the national success in dis-

Giraffes loomed over our 4x4, and Somali

simply, ‘Karen.’ But my memories are of

tance-running!

Ostriches strutted through the sparse

just a few days I spent in Kenya recently.

Black Kites, the city’s refuse collectors,

bush, scattering Vulturine Guineafowl,

I am, as readers may know, a birder (not

filled the skies, together with a scatter-

which seemed to be everywhere. Elegant

birdwatcher – that’s old-fashioned – and

ing of the black-and-white Pied Crows,

Impalas fed by the track, and Grant’s

definitely not a twitcher, obsessed by the

and the odd scary-looking Marabou Stork

Gazelles leapt away at our approach. A

pursuit of rarities) so obviously, I wanted

– about the size of my wife, and much

Gerenuk, that long-necked relative of the

to see the tropical birdlife of Kenya. But

uglier.

Giraffe, stood on hind-legs to feed on a

I also wanted to have a squint at hef-

Once out on the open road, we made

high bush, and Grevy’s Zebras, the fine-

falumps and the like, and see if Hippos

good time, and were allowed twenty

striped species, fed peacefully. A single

really do resemble an ex-mother-in-law. I

minutes’ stop at a shop, where I suc-

(well, it might have been married) Beisa

chose a Spanish company, Politours, and

ceeded in buying only a cup of excellent

Oryx stood immobile in the background

never regretted that decision for a mo-

tea. I also saw a Village Indigo Bird and a

– Felipe said we were lucky to see one.

ment – their safari company, Rhino tours,

White-eyed Slaty Flycatcher, as well as an

Two species of Guineafowl were very

was quite wonderful.

interesting migrant, an Isabelline Shrike,

much in evidence as we approached the

Arriving in Nairobi after a ridiculously long

bound soon for the Balkans, and two

lodge, where a Fan-tailed Raven perched

journey (train to Madrid, long night in the

Sacred Ibis.

on the thatched roof of one of the chalets,

airport, then flights via Amsterdam, would

Off we went again, smooth road oc-

and a wintering Northern Wheatear was

you believe?) I was united with two of my

casionally interrupted by stretches with

a reminder of Europe. What I at first

travelling companions, Maria, a UNICEF

potholes, which Felipe explained was our

thought to be an odd species of rather

worker from Madrid, and Luis, a urologist

introduction to ‘African Massage.’ We were

long-tailed swift turned out to be Black

from Ciudad Real. Two Argentinian mu-

to become very familiar with the sensa-

Saw-winged Swallows.

seum workers, Griselda and Nora, showed

tion! We crossed the equator, and climbed

A good lunch followed by a restful hour,

up at the hotel, and our driver/guide,

to over 2,000 metres, passing increas-

during which I saw a Pygmy Batis and lots

Felipe, impressively self-taught in Span-

ingly poor-looking villages as we reached

of Bulbuls, as well as Tropical Boubou,

the dry, semi-desert which extends to the

then we were whisked off on a safari

Somali border.

around the wonderful reserve. Black-bel-

At the entrance to Samburu Reserve, we

lied Bustard stalked through grasses, then

saw our first mammals – nothing spec-

we had our first, impressive, sight of a

ish, collected us at seven next morning, to negotiate the horrendous Nai-

tacular, Striped Squirrel!

White-crowned

female Elephant with her three month old calf, attended by the original ‘nit-pickers’

and the mag-

– Red-billed Oxpeckers – which feed on

nificent Superb

the insects attracted by big ungulates. We

Starlings

drove down to an almost-dry river, where

were very

more delights awaited us...

To be continued

AFRICAN ELEPHANT

GREVY´S ZEBRA

ISABELLINE SHRIKE

PIED CROW

SACRED IBIS

SUPERB STARLING

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21

JUST MARRIED JUST MARRIED

Two weeks later the

woman comes back to the You tried your best and you failed miserably.

The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room

The lesson is ‘never try’...Homer ( and the groom decides to let the bride know

doctor looking fresh and

where she stands right from the start of the

reborn.

marriage.

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Simpson)

LEAVING THE OFFICE EARLY

LEAVING THE OFFICE EARLY Woman: “Doctor, that He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw Three girls all worked in the same office with the same was female boss. idea. Every a brilliant them at her. He says, “Put those on.”

Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. time my husband came One thereplies, girls decided the boss left, they would leave right behind her. Af Theday bride “I can’t that wearwhen your trousers.” home drunk, I swished ter all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home He replies, “And don’t forget that! I will always early?? with sweet tea. I swished wear the pants the family!”

The brunette wasinthrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime and swished, and he didn’t with her son, and went to bed early.

The bride takes off her knickers and throws touch at the spa before meeting The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout him with the same request, “Try those a them dinneratdate. me!”

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got on!” ? upheard to her bedroom, a muffled noise from inside. movedshe ho’s ... w winning u mortified He replies,”I can’t get into your knickers!” e yo “You howhusband in Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the doorar and was Doctor: to see her n? w bed with her lady boss!! do “And you never bloody will if you don’t change ed ov .? m much keeping your mouth eek. who’s losing ever y w or Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house. ... your attitude.” shut helps?”

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and this they asked the blonde if she was toand go Sunworld with them.

It’s not easy fantasy football lark is it?

Vicgoing Cooper Gunners appear to “No blonde exclaimed.

“I Army almost have got caught Well, way”, at leastthe for me and the Blue & White lost their yesterday.” way a bit recently, let’s hopes it isn’t. Although tempted to scrap the whole the real Gunners don’t lose their way to Wemleague in a stroppy teenager “it’s my ball and bley for the Carling Cup Final. (google maps I’m going home” kinda way, I thought better of should help) ;) Woman: “Doctor, I don’t it as some of you clearly have the skills to pay the bills and deserve the praise. So here goes..

On to the Manager of thewhat Month and know toAward do. Every as always the winner receive a delicious meal time comes At the time of writing, we still have a whole for two overlooking themy seahusband at the Hotel MASA weekend bad mouthing refs, diving and obviin Torrevieja. The Manager of the home drunk heMonth beatsisme ous penalty decisions going the wrong the way awarded to the manager who gains the most to For a pulp.” (yes UTD, we’re talking about you). So plenty points each month. this month, it looks like of Fantasy Football points to play for. a straight battle between Mark Politt/El Oasis Utd and Raymond Lowe/La Marina Gooner.

At this moment with a raspberry in the direcCheck to see whoDoctor: the January winner online “I have a is real good tion of Andy Gray is Jean Byrne and the OT and if it’s you, email me at paul@masainternamedicine for that. When Dreamteam in first place. Alan McGinn and tional.com Armoured FC are closing in fast though in your husband comes home second place. Considering we are over half Good luck for February, drunk, just take a glass of way through the season there is not much separating second to fifth place. Well, nothing Paul sweet tea and start swisha hat-trick from your captain couldn’t sort out. ing it in your mouth

u doing? o y e r a w o h

Jungle Dr ums Leag ue Tablebut don’t swallow. Just

top

keep swishing and swishing until he passes out.”

JUST JUSTMARRIED MARRIED

Two weeks later the

woman comes back to the You tried your best and you failed miserably. and the groom decides to let the bride know doctor looking fresh and The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room

The lesson is ‘never try’...Homer ( where she stands right from the start of the

reborn.

Simpson)

marriage.

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22

Woman: “Doctor, that OFFICE He proceeds to take offLEAVING his trousers THE and throw LEAVING THE OFFICE EARLY EARLY was a brilliant idea. Every them at her.

He says, thoseoffice on.” with the same female Three girls all worked in “Put the same boss. time my husband came Each day, they noticed the boss left work early.

The bride replies, “I can’t wear your trousers.”

One day the girls decided that when the boss left, they would leave rightI behind her. Afhome drunk, swished “Andcalled don’t or forget will always terHe all,replies, she never camethat! backI to work, so how would she know they went home with sweet tea. I swished early?? wear the pants in the family!” swished, and playtime he didn’t The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a littleand gardening, spent The bride takes off her knickers and throws with her son, and went to bed early. touch them at him with the to same request, The redhead was elated be able to get“Try in athose quick workout at the spa before meeting me!” a dinner on!” date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got get into your knickers!” to He herreplies,”I bedroom,can’t she heard a muffled noise from inside.

Doctor: “You see how Slowly she cracked opendon’t the door and was mortified to see her husband “Andand you quietly, never bloody will if you change much keeping your mouthin bed with her lady boss!! your attitude.” shut helps?”

Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.

“No way”, the blonde exclaimed. “I almost got caught yesterday.”

bOTTOM

CROSSWORD 1

CROSSWORD 2

Alpha-Cross 01 The first letter of each answer is written next to its clue in alphabetical order. One letter has already been entered.

Can you find the words then fit them correctly into the grid?

1. Goddess of love (5) 3. Revoke (7) 7. Floor show (7) 9. Oversight (5) 10. Last letter of the Greek alphabet (5) 11. Rising warm air current (7) 13. Symbol of disgrace or infamy (6) 14. Sour (6) 18. Inscrutable (7) 20. Type of snake (5) 21. Photo book (5) 23. Luxurious (7) 24. Commotion (7) 25. Restorative (5)

1. Asinine (7) 2. Satire (7) 3. Turn on an axis (6) 4. Unguent (5) 5. Mischievous fairy (3) 6. Live (5) 8. Transience (7) 12. Gruesome (7) 15. Explanation (7) 16. Forceful and extreme (7) 17. Educational institution (6) 18. Intone (5) 19. Musical speed (5) 22. Saloon (3)

9 5

WHY PAY MORE?

3

•How far can a dog run into the woods?

•One big hockey fan claimed to be able to tell the score before any game. How did he do it?

•You can start a fire if you have alcohol, petrol, kerosene, paper, candle, coke, a full matchbox and a piece of cotton wool. What is the first thing you light?

•Why do Chinese men eat more rice than Japanese men do?

•What word describes a woman who does not have all her fingers on one hand?

1

•Why can’t a man living in the USA be buried in Canada?

•Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow’s sister?

Why? •A man builds a house rectangular in shape. All the sides have southern exposure. A big bear walks by. What color is the bear?

Why? (similar to the Bear riddle in the section Einstein’s Riddles) •If there are 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do you have?

Wordoku key word: Certainly

4

1 4 Short Riddles

Down

7

M. Systems (7) N. Synthetic material (5) O. Conspicuous (7) O. Last letter of the Greek alphabet (5) P. Sacred songs (6) S. Changed around (8) S. Balance (8) T. Bandits (7) T. Large drum (7) U. Unwitting (7) W. Victor (6) W. Sapience (6) Z. Elan (4) Z. African equine (5)

0

A. Dull pain (4) A. Accumulate (5) A. Clumsy (7) C. Hoard (5) C. Composed (4) D. Lairs (4) D. Hates (7) E. Bird of prey (5) E. Tree (3) H. Pig (3) I. Block of metal (5) K. Retains (5) L. Terse (7) M. Spiritualist (6)

Across

answers on page 43

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FIESTAS!

O C

in Guardamar FIRST ‘KITCHEN COOK OFF’ at Moncayo Market – once again in support of Paul Cunningham Nurses

My n and cal c singe purp askin follow

What a fun idea! The First Kitchen Cook Off - went down well and the food went down very well indeed!

Susan from Paul Cunningham Nurses was first in line to once again try a sample from THE SPICE HUT but she didn’t get a look in when it came to HOTEL EL CORAZON! Susan said: “Food was going so fast that I missed out on trying CHEF PATRICK’S CHICKEN CORDON BLEU! But never mind with both restaurants being staunch supporters of the PCN charity I am sure to get another chance!” Patrick from Hotel El Corazon and Pushpa & Harrish from The Spice Hut came to test the cooking stations for us at THE MONCAYO MARKET ready for the official start to THE KITCHEN COOK OFF COMPETITION which was on Saturday February 5th – this was also the date for the FABULOUS FUN DAY organised by BGE Business Group España who are supporting Paul Cunningham Nurses for their 5th Anniversary Celebrations which take/took place during the whole month of February.

If you would like to be one of our ‘tasters’ in the future you can book with Susan by sending an email to suninthesun@terra.es or give her a call or text to 629 869 959 – tasters pay just €2 and this money is donated to Paul Cunningham Nurses. Once you have tasted both dishes you just vote Red or Green for the dish you think is best, the winner will then take place in a semi-final and then after six weeks there will be a final! We plan to continue with the Kitchen Cook Off throughout 2011.

Many thanks to Hotel El Corazon and The Spice Hut, both restaurants work very hard to support PCN and we are very grateful for their support.

If you have a restaurant and would like to find out more about THE KITCHEN COOK OFF please contact Susan Reader sueinthesun@terra.es or text or call 629 869 959

Everywhere!

February 2nd-5th Bocairente, Valencia Reenactment of struggle between Christians and Moors - parades and fireworks, colourful costumes 11th-Mar21st Cadiz Festival de Cadiz - Oldest festival in Spain - parades and colourful costumes Various Madrid Madrid Carnival - masked ball, fancy dress and the burrial of a sardine followed by a concert in Plaza Mayor 1st-2nd Antequera Candelaria (Night) March 12th-19th Valencia Fallas de Valencia - fiesta centering around the burning of effigies of winter demons - bullfights and fireworks 12th Gibraltar (UK) Commonwealth Day

Monday:

Agres, Callosa d’En Sarria, Cox, Denia, Elche, Formentera, Granja de Rocamora, Ibi, La Nucia, Llocnou de Sant Jeroni, Parcent, Petrer, Penaguila, Playa de Miramar (summer evenings), Monover, Real de Gandia, Santa Pola, Sax, Xeraco

26

in Gran Alacant Dear friends, It is a pleasure for me to be able to meet you again at the Jungle Drums.

Firstly, I would like to inform you that we have sorted out all the problems we had with the fountain of the roundabout located between Avenida Escandinavia and Avenida Noruega. At last, we are able to organise the oficial opening for all the residents in Gran Alacant and all the people living in our town, Santa Pola. We are going to do this act the next Sunday the 13rd February at 12 a.m. and, then, we will let you know the name that this renovated roundabout is going to receive. Moreover, we will have surprises for children as well along that morning. I would like to invite you to the inauguration and join us in this special day. This is going to be the first fountain we are going to have and although I hope this will not be the last one, it is going to be an important day for all the people living in Gran Alacant and I would like you will be part of this. Please, come to the inauguration and enjoy of this moment.

Another good new that I would like to share with you is that in a very short period of time you are going to see that the company who is going to do the outdoor facilities around the Sports Hall Centre (we are speaking about tennis, padel, football courtyards) is going to start with the work in a very short period of time. I hope they will start along the month of February. I would like to remind you I told you this Sports Hall Centre was going to be renovated in two different phases: the first one was to encovered it and it is already finished and the second one was to build the outdoor courtyards (and this the one they are going to start shortly). And although I do not like to speak about dates because they are always wrong, it will be finished between four and five months.

When this second phase will be completely finished, then we are going to have the best Sports Hall centre of our town and we will be able to use it.

I would like also to invite you to participate in all the new activities we have prepared for you from the international library of Gran Alacant. We have prepared a very wide schedule of activities you can enjoy. The only thing you have to do is to go there, call or visit our web site, be informed about the activities you have at your disposal and enjoy them.

I run one of the Costa’s mos ... Melody Makers Internatio in Orihuela Costa. Due to a members who live in the Gr Pola area, it has been decid branch of MMI in Gran Alac on Thursday 10th February in Los Belgas Restaurante, Local 16-17, Gran Alacant ( will rehearse from 11am - 1 be given by a very experien coach (me).

We are looking for new mem interested to perform excell - accompanied by a profess that will exceed 100 voices Orihuela Costa branch. Con both choir areas ... the next is “An Evening with Andrew previous concerts have bee West End to West Life’, ‘An & Hammerstein’, and ‘An E the Movies’. All these perfor exceeding 600 people.

Singers (men and women) come along on 10th Februa Thursday) or to telephone 9 570 for further details, or to

I also need the services of a who may reside in the Gran area. If you could make a fe people to contact me on the would be an amazing servic be a paid one, of course.

I can be contacted any time or 64 957 0923, should you anything.

Please, do not forget we are working for you, for Gran Alacant, trying to make your stay here as more comfortable as possible. If you have any question or suggestion to improve our community, please, do not hesitate to contact me at the Municipal Office and do not forget that little by little and with the collaboration of everybody we are improving our wonderful Gran Alacant day after day. Thanks for your collaboration.

Speak to you again next month.

MARK

Tuesday: Alicante, (Rastro), Aspe, Altea, Barx, Bellreguard, Benijofar, Campo de Mirra, Castalla, Elda, Orihuela, Palma de Gandia, Piles, Playa de Piles (summer evenings), Rafelcofer, Relleu, San Fulgencio, Sella, Tibi, Villalonga, Xalo(Jalon), Xeresa

Wednesday: Ador, Albatera, Alcoi, Alqueries, Almoines, Banyeres, Barx, Benjema, Beniaries, Benidorm, Benilloba, Benitatxell, Biar, Callosa de Segura, Calpe (Rastro), El Cammpello, Elda, Guardamar del SeSegura, La Font d’en Carros, Muchamiel, Monforte del Cid, Novelda, Orba, Ondara, Petrer, Polop, Potries, Rotova, San Miguel de Salinas, Sella, Teulada

Thursday:

Agost, Agres, Albater Aspe, Benidoleig, Cocentain Frailes, Llocnou de Sant Jeroni, Pego, Pl (summer evenings), Rafelcofer, Rojales, T Villajoyosa, Xabia (Javia), Xixona (Jijon

Locally

What’s on

Orihuela Costa

name is Nigel Hopkins, I am a professional vocoach and international er and conductor. The pose for my writing, and ng for your help is as ws:-

st successful choirs onal ... which is based a demand by some ran Alacant / Santa ded to open a second cant. This commences y .. and will take place , Avda. Noruega 214, (Santa Pola). The choir 1pm, and full training will nced professional vocal

mbers who might be lent popular concerts sional band - in a choir when joined with the ncerts will be given in t one to be given in June w Lloyd Webber”. Our en entitled, ‘From the n Evening with Rodgers Evening of Music from rmed to audiences

are invited to either ary (or any ensuing 966 775 976 or 966 697 o register an interest.

an accompanist (pianist) n Alacant / Santa Pola eature of this, and ask e numbers below ... this ce. The situation would

e on either 966 775 976 u wish further details of

Eve

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here

To celebrate the resounding success of the Business Group Espana since 2006, February will be packed with events for the members and the general public alike, so come along and celebrate with us at any of the following events as we mix business with pleasure all in aid of supporting some of the local charities here on the Costa Blanca.

The Paul Cunningham Nurse and The Easy Horse Care Rescue Centre will both benefit from these lively events.

Congratulations BGE 5 years and getting stronger by the day. Full details of all events can be found at www. business group.es or www.solproductions.tv

Friday Night’s are open Darts night for PCN Calling all Bars, register to play in the BGE’s regional Darts Final And send your winners through to the final at Green Baize Pool and Snooker Hall On Fri 25th Feb TEL : 966716 919 Sat 5th Feb – Family Fun Day and Auction 10am – 2pm Moncayo Market (N332) WITH TKO Auction – 10 am come and bag a bargain Fun and Face Painters, balloons to bouncy castles Rob Fowler’s Zumba and Line dancing Crazy capers in the Kitchen Cook –off Easy Horse care –horses on hand for the children Sat 12th Feb – FREE MINI GOLF 1pm to 6pm El Corazon – Rojales Call Marijke 685 749 434 to register Sun 13th Feb – BGE CHARITY GOLF DAY Font De Llop Golf Course Teams of 4 – Call John 690 650 182 50 euro walking/60 euro with Buggy Sat 19th Feb - BGE OPEN DAY – 10am to 4pm Hotel La Torre – Los Montesinos Meet the members and try their products and services Legal Companies catering for your needs Also showcasing and featuring Classic Cars and Harley Davidsons

!!

New used furniture is their game and they’ve been doing it for ages, wee relatively and now New 2 You, who have been established here in Spain for 21 years, are opening their new store which you’ll find (handily) up in the corner of El Zoco market on Sundays.

This is no market stall t5hough, New 2 You have established a proper shop right in the heart of one of the region’s favoiurite markets.

As with all their stores they will include their new range ‘everything to complement home’ at El Zoco and you’ll also be pleased to note that smaller items of furniture will be on sale at the market meaning you can take them home with you, although the New2you guys tell me that they can always deliver purchases anyway.

So Karen and the gang would like to invite you all to come along and see their new store at EL Zoco and sample one or two free refreshments on the day while perusing the quality stock that New 2 you have come to be renowned for.

Wed 23rd Feb – Visitors Day BGE Meeting – 8 AM La Torre Hotel – Los Montesinos Calling all Businesses, your invitation to find out and join the BGE Join us for a meeting, and see how WE generate business Fri 25th Feb - BGE Regional Darts Final – 7 PM Green Baize Pool and Snooker Hall The Final : And the Winner is ?

na, Hondon de los

laye de Bellreguard

Tavernes de Valldigna,

na)

Friday: Albatera, Almoines, Banyeres,

Benejuzar, Beniarres, Benidoleig, Crevillente, Daimus, Denia (Rastro), El Verger, Finestrat, Gata de Gorgos, Granja de Rocamora, L’ Alfas del Pi, Monforte del Cid, Monstesinos, Moraira, Muro de Alcoi, Oliva, Onil, Petrer, Pilar de la Horadada, Playa de Daimus (summer evenings), Rafol d’ Almunia, Sella, Tibi, Torrevieja, Villalonga.

tel. 965 715 605

www.new2you-furniture.com info@new2you-furniture.com

KETS

ra, Alguena, Alicante,

at El Zoco

Saturday: Alcoi, Alicante, Almoradi,

Alqueria, Banyeres, Bellreguard, Benifairo, Benissa, Callosa d’En Sarria, Calpe, Castalla, Castell de Castells, Catral, Elche, Elda , La Font d’En Carros, La Romana, Gaianes, Hondon de las Nieves, Novelda, Ondara, Pedreguer, Tavernes de la Val Valdigna (summer evenings), San Vicente del Raspeig, Sali Salinas, Relleu, Santa Pola, Xalo (Jalon) Rastro

Sunday:

Benidorm, Elche, La Nucia, Campoverde, Camp de Guardamar, Algorfa, La Marina, Zoco.

27

Ref: 2366 Brisa Mar

Semidetached corner house in a private complex with 2 bedrooms, bathroom, toilet, lounge, kitchen, gallery, porch and solarium. Gas instalation

Ref:2651

Costa Hispania

3 beds duplex, independent kitchen,1 bathroom, 1 toilet, garage, and wooden shedon on the terrace. A/A and facing to the swimming pool.

PVP: 125.000€

PVP: 135.200€

Ref: 2750 Altomar I

Ref: 2619 Brisas del Faro

Duplex with 3 bedrooms, independent kitchen, dining room, 2 bathrooms, 1 toilet, porch with glass and utility room in the solarium. Complex with swimming pool.

Triplex in a private complex with 3 bedrooms, independent kitchen, dinning room, 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, toilet, garden, 3 terraces and communal swimming pool.

PVP: 165.000€

Ref: 2521

Mediterraneo II

Ground floor apartment with 2 bedrooms, independent kitchen, 1 bathroom, dining room, porch, garden and covered parking.

PVP:120.000€

Ref: 2088

Sierra Mar

Ref: 2566 Mediterraneo III

Top floor apartment with 2 bedrooms, independent kitchen, dining room, 1 bahroom, terrace and solarium.

PVP:110.000€

Ref: 2579 Puerto Marino

2 beds duplex in front of the new park in Gran Alacant, 2 bathrooms, american kitchen refurbished, dining room, terrace and garden, fully furnished.

Complex with swimming pool, green areas and parking.

Duplex 2 beds, dining room, independent kitchen, 2 bath, 1 toilet, gallery and 2 gardens. Communal swimming pool, parking space and A/A thoughout the house. Fully furnished.

PVP: 140.000€

PVP:99.000€

PVP: 155.000€

Ref: 2533 Anara

Ref: 2721 Altomar I

Ref: 2684 Novamar IV

Corner semi-detached house with private swimming pool. Dining room, 3 bedrooms, independent kitchen, 2 bath, 1 toilet with shower , gallery, porch and big garden on plot of 250m2 with parking area. Furnished.

Villa with 4 bedrooms, dining room with fire place, independent kitchen, 2 bathrooms, and toilet. Air conditioning, basement divided into office and garage.

3 beds duplex with independent kitchen, dining room, 3 bathrooms, gallery, terrace, solarium and communal swimming pool. Fully furnished.

Apartment on top floor with solarium, 2 beds, dining room,refurbished kitchen, 2 bathrooms and terrace. Underground garage with storage room. Private complex with swimming pool and green areas. Close to all amenities and sevices. Only 15 minutes to the sea.

Ref: 2474 Novamar II

Ref: 2620 Novamar III

Apartment on top floor in perfect condition on one of the nicer urbanisations in this area. Comprising of 2 beds, bath, lounge/ dining room, terrace and parking.

Duplex in a private complex with 3 beds, 1 bath with bath and shower, 1 toilet with shower, open kitchen, lounge, garden, solarium, storage room, gallery and garage. Close to all services and amenities.

Duplex 3+2 beds, living room with fire place, large independent kitchen, 2 bath, 1 toilet, 4 terraces and extra dinig room in the basement. Private complex with swimming pool, tennis court and parking space.

Duplex with 3 bedrooms, dining room, independent kitchen, 2 bathrooms, garage, utility room and solarium. Fully furnished and all electrical appliances. Electric heating. Private complex with swimming pool, tennis court and green areas.

Ref : 2698 Brisas del Faro

Ref: 2606 Monte y Mar

Ref: 2471 Victoria Playa

Ref: 2719 Mediterraneo III

3 beds triplex, dining room, open kitchen, 2 bathrooms, 1 toilet, balcony, terrace and solarium. Fully furnished and A/A. Private complex with swimming pool, tennis court and close to all amenities.

Villa with 3 bedrooms, dining room with fire place , independent kitchen, 2 bath, 1 toilet with shower, terrace and solarium. Garden on plot of 279m2 and private swimming pool.

Fantastic 3 beds duplex with a big terrace, large bright lounge, 2 bath, independent kitchen, 2 solarium, balcony with sea views, storage room and a big terrace. Air conditioned throughout the property.

3 beds duplex woith independent kitchen, dining room, 1 bathroom, 1 toilet and galery. Private complex with swimming pool and green areas. A/A thoughout the house.

Ref: 2676

Puerto Marino

PVP: 240.000€

PVP: 110.000€

PVP: ???,000 €

PVP:360.000€

PVP: 180.000€

PVP:255.000€

PVP:145.000€

Ref: 1747

Don Pueblo

PVP: 199.000€

PVP: 185.000€

PVP:144.000€ Ref: 2733 Novamar V

PVP:178.500€

PVP:166.860€

Before you buy or sell, come and visit us!

® inmobiliaria - estate agent

28

www.victoria.es

Estate Agents Victoria, Estate Agent Victoria, established some 30 years ago, offers its clients a top quality service, which can only be offered by a company exclusively devoted and experienced in property services with a long running track record on the Costa Blanca property market.

Over the years, Victoria Estate Agent has satisfied the needs of all its clients by searching for and acquiring their properties.

Our priority has always been the “wellbeing” of our clients and looking after their interests not only at the time of buying but also with an excellent after-sales service.

We offer all type of help to our clients including the arranging of inheritance tax when losing one of their loved ones, making it as painless and easy as possible. Our charges are far lower than what one can find through other means.

Anyone who wishes to be informed about our costs or would like a quote, also enquire about all the other services we have to offer, then please call at our office in Gran Alacant at any time and under no obligation what-so-ever.

All our staff have a good knowledge of the English language and we also have a German speaking member of staff.

FEEL AT HOME

Although the last couple of years have not been easy for any of us, we are optimistic that this year we shall start to see some improvements in the property market.

www.victoria.es Inmobiliaria Victoria Avda. Escandinavia, 72 C.C. Altomar II L.10 03130 Gran Alacant · Santa Pola Tlf. 966697779 · 966698180 Fax 966697378 sp@victoria.es

®

inmobiliaria - estate agent www.victoria.es

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29

PERFORMANCE & DIESEL CENTRE Motor Engineers of Guardamar

All makes, petrol and diesel, Serviced and Repaired The Diesel Centre specialises in mechanical and engine repairs from routine servicing to repairing manual gear boxes, alternators, starter motors, Re-building complete engines, also up to date diagnostic fault finding, Head gaskets, timing belts, clutches, brakes, welding and air con.

We also carry out pre-ITV inspections and take cars for the actual ITV tests.

Mark, the owner, has more than 20 years experience as a mechanic, and colleague Steve, is a Ford trained Master Technician (which is the highest standard awarded to any technician in Europe), so you can be assured you are being served by the best.

The Centre’s reputation is built on expertise and quality of service, and many of its customers are referred by word of mouth recommendations.

The centre opens weekdays from 9am to 6pm (no Siesta) Saturday mornings 9am to 1pm.

So for a friendly chat or any advice you may need, please do not hesitate to give us a call on:

96 610 7606 or 647 162 821

Avda Alcalde Joaquin Rodriguez 16 03150 DOLORES-ALICANTE

30

WHY PAY MORE for ADVERTISING?

His & Hers Road Trips HERS

1. Pulls off at wrong exit.

2. Opens window.

3. Asks directions of a knowledgeable police officer.

4. Arrives at destination presently.

TOP TEN WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE PMS...

10. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

9. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelete.

8. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

7. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.

6. You're using your cell phone to dial up bumper stickers that says, "How's my driving?’

5. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.

4. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.

3. You're counting down the days until menopause.

2. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

1. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

HIS

1. Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it’s the correct one.

2. Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he’s right.

3. Drives an extra five miles just in case.

4. Finally rolls down window.

5. Picks his nose.

6. Pulls up to a McDonalds.

7. Gets three hot dogs, a large coke and a burger.

8. Asks foreigner behind counter how to get back onto the highway.

9. Gets back into car.

10. Farts.

11. After he closes the door.

12. Laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-Eleven.

13. Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because the pimply 17-year-old 7-Eleven cashier said it was.

14. Almost hits a deer.

15. Curses the night.

16. Curses you.

17. Curses the dog.

18. Stops by the side of the road.

19 Takes a leak.

20. Still taking a leak.

21. Almost done.

22. I think.

23. Returns to car.

24. Drives and fiddles with radio.

25. Yells at you for suggesting the map again.

26. Admits he didn’t want to go to Xmas at your sister’s anyway.

27. He hates your sister.

28. Ever since she called him a pernicious weasel.

29. He had to look up pernicious.

30. Couldn’t find a dictionary.

31. Finally found a dictionary.

32. Couldn’t spell pernicious.

33. Seethes at the memory of it all.

34. But she is laughing inside.

35. And of course you’re still lost.

Any questions boys...?

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND...

10. Cats' facial expressions 9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors 8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds 7. Fat clothes 6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time 5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell 4. Cutting your hair to make it grow 3. Eyelash curlers 2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made 1. OTHER WOMEN TOP TEN THINGS MEN WOULD DO IF THEY WOKE UP WITH A VAGINA FOR A DAY...

SATAN

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown wakes up early and goes to their local church.

Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives and their families.

Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate. Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sits calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, “Hey, don’t you know who I am?” The man says, “Yep, sure do.”

Satan says, “Well, aren’t you afraid of me?” The man says, “Nope, sure ain’t.”

Satan, perturbed, says, “And why aren’t you afraid of me?”

The man says, “Well, I’ve been married to your sister for 25 years.”

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9 Look in a mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do the splits.

7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time.

4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.

2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.

1. Finally find that damned G-spot.

LIVE Football

Between the Town Hall & Country Life Properties on the Catral Road - DOLORES

the best ad prices- TEL. 606 540 408

31

Vauxhall Corsa 1.2 life 5dr Uk 2007 rhjd black 27k only 5995 Renault Clio petrol and diesel choice 4495 - 4995 Seat Altea 1.9 tdi black met 1 owner 8495 Bmw 320i 4 door silver full spec drives reall well!

2995 Toyota Yaris d4 diesel 1.4. red alloys full spec, 4995

32

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33

‘I WAS JUST FIDDLING WITH IT

interview

Editor of the most popular magazine on the Costas, Dave Bull reveals how the idea of ‘Jungle Drums’ came about and why on earth he bothers…

So, go on, why did you start a magazine?

In the summer of 2003 I was running my own car rental company when I started to put bits of information on a leaflet inside each car to give my customers some help while they were here. It included just basic info such as,

34

useful numbers and some places to visit but as it grew the idea of a magazine formed.

But why ‘jungle Drums’? well at the time (and still now) there was the problem for expats (amongst many others) of where to go and get your NIE for example and everyone you spoke to told you a different version of what needed to be done. I used to say that the ‘gossip’ was the Jungle Drums and so the words seemed appropriate for a magazine that would offer proper advice and help for the expats.

WHY PAY MORE for ADVERTISING?

IN THE BATH…’ Why do you think it has been so popular?

It’s because everything we do in the magazine is thought about, there’s an incredible amount of work that goes in to it and we have, what I believe, are some of the best writers and experts around offering advice and help, and sharing info but in an upbeat manner. Life’s way too short and there are not enough smiles around.

Is that why you have the jokes then?

Sort of. We ‘inherited’ the jokes when we took over Campo magazine last year and they’ve proved very popular. We also make sure that all of our articles are positive and upbeat – we leave the bad news for the newspapers.

So where did Jungle Drums start, and when?

The first issue was on the first of July 2004 and we’ve printed every month since then. For the first issue we toured Gran Alacant with an African drum band on the back of a truck and made lots of noise to announce our arrival and to be honest we haven’t really looked back since then. From just delivering to Gran Alacant we now cover over thirty towns in the region and have become the most popular expat magazine on the Costa Blanca.

Is it difficult in the crisis?

It’s no more difficult for us than any other small business out there but we are doing okay because we stopped and looked at what we needed to do business wise when the recession kicked in.

And what was that?

The first thing we did was to reduce our advertising prices and cut costs so that the small businesses that need to

the best ad prices- TEL. 606 540 408

advertise can still afford to. Obviously a lot of businesses have not survived the crunch but what we’ve tried to do is talk to clients and work out an advertising strategy that they can afford and, just as importantly, one that works.

By working with companies rather than trying to get as much as possible from them we’ve found them to be loyal and even better recommend us to others!

I understand you still deliver the magazine?

Yes, I enjoy it. I get a few funny looks from people who wonder why I don’t pay someone else but to be honest I thoroughly enjoy getting out and getting feedback from readers and our distributors every month.

And anyway, you can’t really call driving around the Spanish countryside - on a (usually) sunny day - and stopping every now and again for a coffee work, can you?

Fair enough…so what’s next for Jungle Drums?

More of the same for this year and with a bit of luck we’ll continue growing and spreading to new areas throughout 2011. It’s going to be tough again this year but we have a few ‘projects’ (one to be revealed very soon) that you’ll hear about as we go along and although I can’t say too much at the moment, rest assured, they’ll be fun.

Any clues?

Hahaha…ok one will be a rock concert in the summer, another is a project working with schools…the other one, well…you’ll have to wait a day or two for that, but as I say we’re going to try and provide some fun on the Costa this year, watch this space!

Dave Bull has been editor of the Jungle Drums since its birth (by caesarean) in 2004. He now owns three houses, a yacht, a power cruiser and a small aeroplane which are all stored in his toy box in his mum’s loft…

35

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36

s

YE T DEA NEVX VIC ERY S R

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Available

K

to the U

LIABLE

E FAST & R

UNGLE RUMS

FEBRUARY 2011

F

in

Following last month’s multiple super heroic endeavors to sort out a variety of problems, this month bills demanding payment for broken walls, roads, vehicles and water dams will arrive. Check any local or national government schemes for disaster relief before charging them to your credit or debit card. You are about to be befriended by two small Simon Cowell type figures, like those small angels and devils on your shoulder you sometimes see on people in television or in the movies who are wracked whether to make good or sinful choices.

a

it

n

e

s

s

Camp

s

p

Fulltime Fitness PROFESSIONAL AND PERSONAL TRAINER Rich Draper,

in association with Fitness Camp Spain, now offers PERSONALISED FITNESS PROGRAMS in the Alicante region.

visit both the websites and contact Richard for a consultation before booking your training sessions.

Call Richard on:96 112 9157 www.personal-trainer-alicante.es www.fitness-camp-spain.com

Need a tradesman or a service?

No matter how firm your jaw, there will always be some Taurus somewhere with a firmer jaw.

No matter how buff your exercise regime can make your chest, some Taurus somewhere will have a better one, even if it is surgically enhanced.

This month enjoy your own version of Taurus ‘me’ perfection.

Saturn has a flour based treat in store for you around the 7th of the month, especially if you work in a bakery and have to get to work by 3am for the early shift.

Johnny Knoxville, or someone with a nose like his, is about to add an extra something to your month. This may be the good old Hollywood glitz and glamour, or possibly a well needed reminder that you are only a step away from a painful pratt fall and a bruised ass.

A bait and switch fraud is set to pepper your month with an exciting living on-the-edge-of-being-sued-in-a-class-action kind of way. Enjoy the sushi in the expensive hotels and restaurants you can temporarily afford. Tip modestly, this money will be useful to grease the wheels in prison later in the year, if you get our meaning.

Coconuts are terribly badly starred especially when falling off of trees in Newton type apple on head kind of ways.

Putting things off for a few minutes will pay dividends this month and may even allow you to enjoy more fully your day. Simon Cowell has recently been in the news when he was 90 minutes late for work. Have you any idea how good that feels, turning up that late and nobody can do anything about it? Jupiter is trying to get you to try it - ignore him.

Crunching, chewing but not burping, are all well starred this month, especially at high tea on Thursdays and Fridays in Belgium.

This will be a laugh filled month as you finally learn the gift that is being able to laugh at yourself. You are truly blessed.

Birdsong of the ‘cheep cheep’ variety, but not the squawking type, are highly starred this month by all but the charlatan-iest of horoscope writers. Blue birds are 1% better than brown birds this month for some reason or other.

Consternation over something that is not your problem will once again come to the fore. Bake a fruit pie, as long as it isn’t blueberry and apple.

Uncomfortable pauses in conversations are set to pepper this month in strangely uplifting ways, especially with very devout religious types (assuming you can get a word in edgewise).

Counterintuitive, counter clockwise and the counters in coffee bars are particularly well starred, especially when drinking lattes and dunking European biscuits.

Saturn has a plan for the 17th of the month that includes a cereal packet, a stick of glue, and a Batman mask...

You may feel that you are insulated from some professional storm about to break involving yourself and a colleague: a bit like the Jay Leno / Conan O’Brien thingie but bigger and completely unforecastable by even the most accurate horoscopes in the world (that’s us), until about 7th of the month. If no news has broken by then, thank Saturn’s wily behind the scenes manipulations of creative media types in the networks in your country.

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Saturn is about to exert its influence on all carbohydrates and starches eaten by Sagittarius this month, which could have a profound effect on your new years diet resolution. This will induce a kind of euphoria that will make you feel that you can eat what you want and it won’t make any difference to your dieting efforts. Stand by for Neptune’s influence towards the end of the month which will make you feel suitably guilty.

Jolly Capricorns, mostly the fat ones, but jolly thin ones too if you are one, are speculatively starred this month in most hilarious situations, and for well into the year. Chortles, giggles and even LOL’s are particularly indicated in train stations, supermarkets and in cubical farm type office layouts.Jupiter’s attempts to rewrite your prospective hobby list will finally come to fruition this month, but only if you fancy taking up East European car collecting or listed historical building restoration.

Harping on about something, hopping on your left foot and harps and harpsichords, the musical instruments, are all spasmodically starred this month in no particular order and / or volume and/or playing ability.

‘Change is coming’ could well have been some sort of political slogan you held much store in during the presidential election last year, however this could mean change in the money sense in which case your invested dollars could soon be returned to you as a few cents.

The problem with the accelerator in your new Toyota, that we forgot to mention last month because we didn’t have the time, is set to cause problems. Jupiter is in charge of the recall, if you must drive it don’t go above 2 mph until it is fixed.

Long leisurely walks in the early morning light, or in the nearly-dusk, in your bare feet, on smooth sand, the ocean lapping at your feet, is set to pepper this month with interesting possibilities for either romance or wet cold feet.

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37

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38

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™

“God,” said Adam, “Why did you make Eve so beautiful?”

“So you would love her.”

“But why did you make her so dumb?”

“So she would love you.”

Married life is full of excitement : * In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. * In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. * In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

t have you slep many women ow “H e, m d My wife aske with?”

With all the you, Darling. y nl “O d, ie pl I proudly re s awake.” others I wa 8 PM are 10 AM to rs ting Hou Hospital Visi

What Happens When You Fall In Love With A chef? (You get buttered up.)

A chauffeur? (You get taken for a ride.)

A gambler? (He cheats on you.)

A telephone operator? (He gives you a phone-y line.)

A trashman? (He dumps you.)

A clockmaker? (He two-times you.)

A pastry cook? (He desserts you.)

A shoe salesman? (He walks all over you.)

An elevator operator? (He lets you down.)

An artist? (He gives you the brush.)

A jogger? (He gives you the run-around.)

Su Wong marries Lee Wong.

The next year, the Wongs have a new baby.

The nurse brings out a lovely, healthy, bouncy, But definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.

‘Congratulations,’ says the nurse to the new parents.

‘Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?’

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, ‘Well, two Wong’s don’t make a white, So I think we will name him...

Are you ready...? ...Sum Ting Wong

er, “I to his daught Murphy said ven o’’clock.” ele by me want you ho m no ut Father, I’’ She said, “B know, “I , id sa !” He longer a child by me ho u yo want that’’s why I eleven.”

Parent JOKE A woman got on a bus hold ing a baby.

The bus drive said: “That’s r th e ug lie st baby I’ve ever se en.” In a hu ff, the woman slamm ed her fare the fare box into and took an seat near th aisle e rear of th e bus.

The man seat ed next to he sensed that she was agita r and asked he ted r what was wrong.

“The bus dr iver insulted me she fumed. ,” Th thized and sa e man sympapublic servan id: “Why, he’s a t and should n’t say things to ins ult passenge rs.”

“You’re right ,” sh e sa id. think I’ll go back up ther “I e and give him a pie ce of my mi nd.”

“That’s a go od idea,” th e man said. “Here, let me hold your monkey.”

Love is grand... ...Divorce is 80 grand o the frantically int A man speaks is pregnant, and her fe wi minutes phone, “My are only two the contractions first child?” r he is th s the apart!” “I o, you idiot!”

“N . ies er qu doctor *husband*!”

“This is her man shouts.

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Activities

We may have reached adulthood without having done everything we would have liked to.

Who has not ever wanted to travel?

Or take that little vacation which you missed for different reasons?

From now on it’s time to do all that before we could not.

Periodically we organise cultural trips. And do not worry about your limited mobility, we have adapted means of transport for people with mobility difficulties and we will be always at your disposal.

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Men...!

Women Speak in Oestrogen - Men Listen in Testosterone When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled “All Men Are Idiots”. Then she will get on with her life.

A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, “I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I’ll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you’re a total floozy. But I want you to know that there’s always a chance for us.” This is known as the “I Hate You / I Love You” drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need.

Sex: Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay.

Men prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.

Maturity: Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults.

Most 17-year old males are still trading football cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.

Magazines: Men’s magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women’s magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day.

Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman’s body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.

Handwriting: To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch.

Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot their “i’s” with circles and hearts.

Women use ridiculously large loops in their “p’s” and “g’s”. It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she’s dumping you, she’ll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

Bathrooms: A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

Groceries: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things.

A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a sausage and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett’s car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

Shoes: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk.

A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day. Let’s not talk about how many days he’ll wear the same socks.

Leg warmers: Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she’s walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants.

A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the theatre.

MAN JOKES One day God called Adam to him and said: “Adam, I have some good news and some bad news.

Which would you like to hear first?”

“The good news,” replied Adam.

“Well, the good news is I gave you a penis and a brain.”

“OK..” said Adam warily. “And what’s the bad news?”

“I only gave you enough blood to operate one at time.”

Why are men so bad at sex and driving?

Because they always pull out with no thought of who else might be coming.

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

You didn’t hold the pillow down long enough.

How can you tell if a man is really well hung?

When you can just slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

What do men and tights have in common?

They’re both apt to cling, run, and never fit properly between your legs.

What is the real difference between men and women?

A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Why do men like smart, sexy women?

Opposites attract.

Why is psychoanalysis so much quicker for men than for women?

Men don’t need to be regressed back to their childhood.

Why are well-dressed men always married?

Because their wife chooses their clothes for them.

What do you call a man with only half a brain?

Gifted.

What do a beer bottles and men have in common?

They are both empty from the neck up.

Why can women never find their way to a man’s heart?

Because they aim too high.

How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?

Both of them.

Why don’t women talk during foreplay?

They don’t have enough time.

How does a man show a woman that he is planning for the future?

He buys ten cases of beer.

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BUSINESS DIRECTORY CONVEYANCING

AIR CONDITIONING MAYO Gran Alacant Tel 665 063 228 REFORMNOVA Gran Alacant Tel 670 260 684

ANIMAL RESCUE LEZSONJA’S BOARDING KENNELS Sax, Tel 96 112 0244 ALBERGUE Bacarot Tel 96 596 0224

HEARING

ANDREA BURNS Gran Alacant Tel 96 669 7824 MARTÍNEZ Y BALLESTER RABESMA

DENTAL

Gran Alacant Tel. 96 669 8781 BRITISH DENTAL PRACTICE La Marina Tel 96 679 6603 DENTURES DIRECT

CARDS & MORE

La Marina Tel. 96 679 0954 LA MARINA ANIMAL WELFARE La Marina Tel 96 679 5593 MALVINA BOOKS La Romana Tel. 96 569 6656

BUILDING / MAINTENANCE CANDELA CHIMNEYS Elche Tel. 649 039 351 CLIVE COOMBER Gran Alacant Tel 669 593 212 MAYO Gran Alacant Tel 665 063 228 REFORMNOVA Gran Alacant Tel: 96 541 4040 CHRIS SLADDEN All Areas Tel. 686 635 860 JOE THE PLASTERER All Areas Tel. 965 480 579606

BUSINESS ASSOCIATIONS TIBA All Areas Tel. 902 906 015

REFORMNOVA Gran Alacant Tel 96 541 4040 MOZISTOP All Areas Tel. 659 259 319 GRIMEBUSTERS

Gran alacant Tel. 619 185 122 SANTA POLA DIVE ACADEMY

DOCTORS

INSURANCE

Santa Pola Tel. 96 541 4510 CLINICA GRAN ALACANT Gran Alacant Tel: 96 669 7411

All Areas Tel. 689 271 580 ALI SERVICES All Areas Tel. 96 626 4701 ALMARCHA INSURANCE La Marina Tel. 96 572 9747 ROWLAND INSURANCE

DOMESTIC APPLIANCES EMERGENCY Tel 608 666 455 APPLIANCE FIX

KENNELS

ELECTRICIANS/ELECTRONIC

Santa Pola Tel 96 541 3076 MARTÍNEZ Y BALLESTER RABESMA Gran Alacant Tel. 96 669 8781

Gran Alacant Tel. 96 618 3024 CCW ELECTRICAL Gran Alacant Tel 617 872 405 REFORMNOVA

MORTGAGES

LEZSONJA’S BOARDING KENNELS Sax, Tel 96 618 283

ENTERTAINMENT

Gran Alacant Tel: 96 541 4040 FLAMENCO - LOS LUNARES Gran Alacant Tel 96 669 5399 IPG

MOSQUITO NETS MARTÍNEZ Y BALLESTER RABESMA Gran Alacant Tel. 96 669 8781

ESTATE AGENTS

CAR HIRE

XTRA RENT A CAR Santa Pola Tel 607 850 664

CARPENTRY MAYO Gran Alacant Tel 665 063 228 REFORMNOVA Gran Alacant Tel 670 260 684

CAR REPAIRS

La Marina Tel. 96 679 5233 LOMOND SECOND HOME Gran Alacant Tel. 620 896 248 MASA INTERNATIONAL Gran Alacant Tel. 629 251 747 TOP ALACANT Gran Alacant Tel. 96 669 7357 VICTORIA

NATURE MOZISTOP All Areas Tel. 659 259 319

NURSING MALCOLM PALMER Santa Pola Tel 96 608 2454

FARMACIAS Gran Alacant Tel. 96 669 7779 FARMACIA GRAN ALACANT

JOCK O’DONNELL All Areas Tel. 638 461 690 RENAULT Santa Pola Tel 96 541 3746 PERFORMANCE & DIESEL Guardamar Tel. 96 610 7606

OPTICIANS

FISCAL

Gran Alacant Tel. 96 669 7471 ANDREA BURNS Gran Alacant Tel 96 669 7824 MARTÍNEZ Y BALLESTER RABESMA

CAR SALES

FURNITURE

FWR CARS El Altet Tel. 96 568 7976 RENAULT Santa Pola Tel 96 541 3746 CLUB CARS La Marina TEL. 96 618 0006 COCHES GUARDAMAR La Marina Tel. 646 763 645

Gran Alacant Tel. 96 669 8781 COMPLETE UPHOLSTERY All Areas Tel. 96 569 9305 NEW 2 YOU Dolores Tel. 96 571 5608 SECOND HAND FURNITURE

HAIRDRESSING

CAR TRANSFERS

VIC All Areas Tel. 625 864 373 MARTÍNEZ Y BALLESTER RABESMA Gran Alacant Tel. 96 669 8781

COMPUTERS BLUE MOON SOLUTIONS All Areas Tel. 655 044 970 SPANISH INKS All Areas www.spanishink.com

Marina Tel. 96 644 3370 FRANCESC AGULLO

HEALTH & BEAUTY Gran Alacant Tel. 96 669 5031 BRITISH DENTAL PRACTICE La Marina Tel 96 679 6603 FRANCESC AGULLO Gran Alacant Tel. 96 669 5031 RICHARD DRAPER FITNESS All Areas Tel. 96 112 9157

HEATING Gran Alacant Tel: 966 698 802

HOUSEHOLD SERVICES

DIVING

BOOKS

CENTRAL OPTICA

CARE IN THE COMMUNITY All areas Te. 96 597 5459 CENTRAL OPTICA Gran Alacant Tel 966 698 802 GRAN PLAYA OPTICA Santa Pola Tel. 96 669 1208

PAINTERS / DECORATORS

SPECSAVERS Torrevieja Tel. 96 692 7249 MAYO L a

PETS Gran Alacant Tel 665 063 228 REFORMNOVA Gran Alacant Tel 96 541 4040 CLINICA VETERINARIA Santa Pola Tel 96 669 2328 LEZSONJA’S BOARDING KENNELS Sax Tel 96 618 2838

PLUMBERS

MOUNTAIN VIEW CAT HOTEL Hondon Tel. 96 667 7273 DMF PLUMBING

POSTAL All Areas Tel. 96 679 9740 REFORMNOVA

PUBLICITY

Gran Alacant Tel 96 541 4040 EASYPOST

REMOVALS

All Areas Tel. 96 672 0959 THE JUNGLE DRUMS All Areas Tel. 96 669 5141 ADVANCE MOVES

RESTAURANTS

All Areas Tel. 96 865 4667 MISTER VAN All Areas Tel. 697 775 588 TRUCK IT All Areas Tel. 96 644 1779 COCOA’S Gran Alacant Tel. 96 669 8509 FRICANDO

SHOES

Gran Alacant Tel. 96 669 5744 LOS LUNARES

SOLICITORS

Gran Alacant Tel 96 669 5399 WISHING WELL Dolores Tel. 96 671 1653 SALVADOR ARTESANO

SUNBLINDS Elche Tel. 96 546 84 39 LOMOND SECOND HOME SUPERMARKETS Gran Alacant Tel. 620 896 248 PELLICER HEREDIA SWIMMING POOL (MAINTAINANCE)

Alicante/Hondon + Tel. 96548 0737 TOLDOS PENALVER Santa Pola Tel. 96 543 2350 AJ’s SWIMMING POOL (CONSTRUCTION)

Hondon Nieves Tel. 96 548 0718 GA POOLS

TAX ADVICE Gran Alacant Tel 628 030 184 PJ’s All Areas Tel 619 501 657 REFORMNOVA

TOBACCO Gran Alacant Tel 96 541 4040 ANDREA BURNS

TRANSLATORS Gran Alacant Tel 96 669 7824 MARTÍNEZ Y BALLESTER RABESMA Gran Alacant Tel. 96 669 8781 BAILE Santa Pola Tel. 629 659 074 ANDREA BURNS Gran Alacant Tel 96 669 7824

TV MITCH BULL Gran Alacant Tel. 638 608 422 MARTÍNEZ Y BALLESTER RABESMA Gran Alacant Tel. 96 669 8781 GRAN ALACANT TV

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