jungle drums by DAVE BULL

this month 4/5 FEEDING THE NATION... Santa Pola’s fishing industry

GETTING ON MY GROAT So, so far this month I’ve

plates, I had expected that the

apparently won the Irish

animals we were about to eat

lottery (again), am the

would be dead, or at least in a

beneficiary of 24.8 million

coma… but what he served me

Expat experiences

bucks – I just need to get it

up could still have been happily

out of Africa…and untold sums

bounding around in a meadow it

13 ASK THE LAWYER... Legal advice and tips

that alleged soldiers in Iraq

was so raw. The pork looked like

want to give me because they

either Pinky or Perky (although

can’t think of a better way

I doubt it was the latter) were

off getting tons of gold out of

standing behind the aluminium

9 ANDREA BURNS...

Estate Agents

11 LIVING THE LIFE...

15 I APPEAL TO WOMEN... Footy for girls!

medieval cookhouse with chunks

Iraq – other than to contact a local magazine editor in Spain..? And just this

hacked out of it – it glowed that pink. And the

Advice & help

morning I was contacted by a Dr. Dwaneka on

bread was a dry lump of a Mercadona loaf by

behalf of the Rwandan government because

the look of it. The price for this mini-feast of

19 PUZZLES...

they especially need my bank account to

two plates of meat and some bread? A mere

deposit a load of cash - of which I’ll be getting

43€. Yup I couldn’t believe it either, nor could

35% - which I’ve worked out (having taken

the people who had been waiting patiently

my socks off to use the extra digits) is a tad

with me. As he retrieved my food from his

under 12 million US dollars. So it is with great

medieval microwave, having blasted it for

sadness that I must say that this will be the

several minutes, he pointed to where I should

last Jungle Drums before I go off and spend

take the food and pay. I took the food, put

17 EXPAT HEALTH COVER...

Grey matter workout...

21 URB LIFE IN GA... Urb news and events

23 URB LIFE IN LM...

More urb news and events

22/25 LA MARINA MAP... Get around with us!

FUN FROM THE CAMPO...

Jokes, jokes and er...jokes

33 MOTORING.

The right way of doing it...

35 COMPUTERS... Are you lost...?

41 NATURE... Immigration 49 HOROSCOPES..

it down, and carried on walking…all the

one of my latest fortunes…yeah

way to the seafront where we

right.

got fed on five courses of

Anyone visit the medieval markets

the finest Spanish grub

last month? They

around, and still had change from 20€ for

look impressive

the three of us.

don’t they? with

Is it any wonder

everyone

they went on

dressed

the crusades?

up and rubbish

it must

on the

have

floor…

been a

and

whole lot

although I

cheaper

hate to moan… they’re not exactly medieval

to eat on the road than stay at home and pop

prices are they? Blimey, I ordered some grub

down the market for some dinner - especially

from an authentically attired trader (although

when you can get pretty much the same taste

All the businesses you’ll need!

I didn’t realise Adidas had been going THAT

and service by licking a cow…

and much much more

pork. However, when he came back with the

Is it in uranus?

55 BUSINESS DIRECTORY...

long); a plate of lamb, some bread and some

Dave

LIKE WHAT YOU SEE? take a look at www.loadofbull.es where you’ll find some of the stuff we couldn’t, wouldn’t, or shouldn’t publish...

page 35 Computer Troubles? 3

FEEDING THE

Continuing our series of articles covering what is the Mediterranean’s most important fishing port, Santa Pola, we move inside – to the ‘Lonja’ where the day’s catch is sold on to decorate the plates and satisfy the appetites of Spain’s seafood-loving residents and visitors. The noise, as ever in Spain, is enough to make me and JD photographer Mark Welton shout at each other (although that’s quite common…) to be heard – and we’re standing next to each other. We’ve been given access behind the scenes in the ‘Lonja’ – the auction house where the day’s catch is sold to waiting buyers. A conveyor belt runs from our right and snakes its way in front of us in a line of blue fish trays; each piled high with some of the best seafood to be sold on the Mediterranean. It shouldn’t be underestimated the importance of Santa Pola as a fishing port in Spain and as the most important on the whole of the Med’ coast. It is for that reason that buyers are prepared to travel from far and wide (Madrid, Southern and northern Spain) to buy the best, either to sell on to customers in supermarkets or to dish up the finest Mediterranean cuisine in the top restaurants in Spain. Armed with what resembles a TV remote, the buyers click rather than shout their offer these days and the successful bidder will automatically have the produce labelled in his company’s name before it is loaded onto his lorry. This fusion of new meets old shows just why Santa Pola is held in such high esteem. For although fishing is the traditional life blood of the town, the fishing industry realised a long time ago that technology would help rather than hinder the progress of the industry. As each tray passes along, not only can we see the fish in the flesh (so to speak) but also a large photo of its contents is then displayed on a screen along with a price, the name of the fish, and the trawler that caught it. It is from this information that the buyers from Corte Ingles, Mercadona and the like will base their decision. Serving the likes of the

country’s top stores and restaurants, Santa Pola’s fishing industry (La Peix) has to make sure that it’s produce is of the very best quality, and presented in such a way in the trays that it allows the buyers to see as much of the fish as possible. A tray piled high but poorly displayed can cost a trawler a lot of money at the end of the day. By the same token, undersize and illegal fish can’t be allowed to go through the system as the laws against catching (and selling) undersize fish are now very strict in Europe and the town of Santa Pola has its reputation to think of. If you still have the impression that this is small time, take a look at the figures, for this little fishing port right on our doorstep generates a turnover of more than 20 million euros each year – this is a serious business and the buyers endorse that. For although the smiles and pats on the back (what you’d expect to see in a trading house) are there, when the biding starts – everyone gets down to business. Some days are good for the fishermen and others not so good. I spoke to one who explained that although you may be out in the boat and catching goodsized, quality fish all day, it doesn’t necessarily follow that it will sell for a high price when you reach land in the evening. If many boats have had a similar day and the buyers can see that there is an abundance of a certain type of fish, the price will drop. Similarly sometimes the buyers just don’t want to buy what you have caught, meaning your earnings for the day are drastically affected. It is a tough life being a fisherman, I don’t envy them one little bit…but I’m glad they do it …fish fingers just don’t compare… Pic. Buyers bid for Santa Pola’s finest

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Selling Santa Pola’s fish

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Fiscal help...

andrea burns Tax & Legal Services

ESTATE AGENTS AND COMMISSIONS Plentiful are the calls recently from

Therefore, when checking out prices of

people who wish to sell their property.

similar properties at different agencies for

And a first-time seller in Spain is just

your own orientation, bear in mind that these

as much out of his depth as a first-time buyer. Again it is important to realise that the procedure is not the same as in the UK. Here I would like to give you some information that will hopefully clarify a few things.

sion. The said commission seems high in comparison to the UK but the estate agents do not only find you

CONVEYANCES SPANISH PROBATE & INHERITANCES

POWER OF ATTORNEY

a buyer they will also take care of the

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much you can

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and all you have to do is turn up at the

your property but

FISCAL REPRESENTATION

notary, either personally or represented

that is a guideline

by power of attorney and with an interpreter

only.

if they cannot provide that service.

The agency will put the property up for sale at the price that you indicate, if it is an unrealistic price your property will not sell and that is it. The agent’s commission will be added to your price and it will be advertised for that total. This answers the question of who is paying for the commission!

prices already include the agent’s commis-

SPANISH WILLS

NON-RESIDENTS’ INCOME TAX

If you sign an “exclusive” agreement with an agency, that is the sole agency, bear in mind that you will still have to pay the agreed commission to that agency even if you sell it privately or through someone else. Any nor-

NON-RES. CAPITAL GAINS TAX

mal agreement signed means that the agent’s fee can only be charged by the estate agency that has successfully sold your property.

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LIVING THE LIFE…

Just do as you’re told. By Dave Bull

I’ve written about Juan before.

But suffice to say that he

and where was the order? Juan’s shrug said it all and he came back over smiling

never ceases to amaze and amuse not just me, but everyone who becomes a ‘vic-

and laughing, asking what we wanted, again. This time he managed to cross the

tim’ of his unique brand of table service in a Spanish cafeteria. It’s not unusual

six feet of floor to the bar and order our breakfasts without interruption. It was a

for Juan to help himself to a patron’s cigarettes, if said patron has been daft (or

few minutes later that Lolis (always on the ball) realised that Juan was still in the

generous) enough to leave them on the table in front of them. However, in his

cafeteria and hadn’t gone to fetch the fresh donuts (that I hadn’t ordered) from

defence, Juan sells the best donuts in the world and at the weekends I usually grab

the nearby baker. Not happy with seeing her husband slacking she told him to

a couple to have with my coffee.

get moving or my coffee would arrive and I wouldn’t have my donuts. Holding

This week he excelled himself once again by, amongst other things, forgetting our

his hands up defensively, Juan explained that I didn’t want donuts today and that

order and telling a customer that if she brought her dog in the café…his would

I’d ordered toast but that wasn’t good enough for Lolis who told him not to be

probably abuse it – undoubtedly in that way that dogs have of playing ‘wheelbar-

stupid and that ‘David always has donuts at the weekend…’ To his credit, Juan

rows’…

held his ground with her for a good five seconds before walking off shaking his

He is lately also insisting on speaking English, his English – which consists of

head towards the bakers. I stopped him outside and asked where he was going. he

him saying ‘Haalo…how are you?’ and then when asked the same question back,

told me he was off to get the donuts, ‘But I don’t want them Juan’ I told insisted,

the response ‘I am super fandango’ which in Juan’s world is English…because he

but he just looked over my shoulder at his wife, back at me, shook his head…and

heard it in a film once.

trudged of towards the bakers.

Pleasantries and fandangos out of the way we ordered our toast (I’d decided

Nothing is quite as simple as you think in Spain is it? I decided I’d go back in

against the donuts for a change – a big mistake as it turned out) and coffee from

and make it all better between Juan and his wife and explain that I didn‘t want the

Juan who promptly disappeared, although not to get our order but to chat to a

donuts this week and that it wasn’t Juan’s fault.

friend who had just come in. Soon the friend was laughing loudly at Juan’s banter

Lolis, being a Spanish housewife, explained to me why I wanted the donuts and

and after what must have been a good ten minutes he moved on to a table of

ended up by informing me that, in a nutshell, if I didn’t eat them I’d die…’you

housewives with whom he, once again, began joking and laughing.

don’t eat...you die…now eat!’

After about thirty minutes we were starting to get hungry and Lolis, his long suf-

I ate.

fering wife, must have noticed as she asked us if we wanted anything today. Isn’t it great the way the Spanish will ask you that – while you’re sat in THEIR café – and it doesn’t matter if you say ‘no, I just wanted to sit down a while’ - they won’t bat an eyelid. Anyway, we said yes, we’d ordered from Juan already. Cue the row. Lolis shouted at Juan across the café that we had been sitting there for a long time

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ASK THE LAWYER… INHERITANCE IN SPAIN

AND THE IMPORTANCE OF HAVING A SPANISH WILL Although the subject of Inheritance and Wills is something we might like to avoid, it is important to understand the procedure, and what provisions you can make for your family should anything happen to you. This month, we will explain what basically happens in the two instances, with or without a Spanish Will in place.

is sent to the Tax Office, taxes paid and the documents returned.

If there is a Spanish Will

Firstly all the necessary documentation must be collected from the UK or Ireland (Probate, Death Certificate and Will). At this point a Power of Attorney can be drawn up. All the afore-mentioned documentation will have to be translated into Spanish, either by a British Notary or Official Translator in Spain. All these documents then must then also receive the Hague Apostille.

Firstly, a Spanish Death Certificate will be required. Should the person have passed away in another country, the Certificate issued will have to be translated into Spanish, and then a Spanish Last Will and Testament Certificate can be obtained. The original Spanish Will document will be required; otherwise a copy can be obtained from the Notary Office where it was originally executed. At this point a Power of Attorney can be arranged if appropriate, and a Bank Account opened if there is not one existing, from which money can then be transferred. The assets in Spain are assessed – this can include properties, money in bank accounts, shares, vehicles etc. An IBI receipt is requested (Real Estate Tax) in order to evaluate property and to avoid taxes. It must be ascertained whether or not the heir/s are Resident in Spain. Then, an estimate of Inheritance Taxes is calculated. A Deed for the Award of Inheritance is drawn up (following the earlier investigation into the assets, where original documentation will be required, for example a copy of property deeds and registry certificate, bank certificates for accounts, company deeds for shares, vehicle documentation, life insurances, legal exceptions etc.). This Deed is then signed before the Notary. After the Deed has been signed, the taxes must be paid. It is important to note that there is a period of six months to pay the taxes from the date of the deceased, after which the taxes increase.

Finally, the properties can then be registered into the new name, money released at the Bank, vehicles can be re-registered.

If there is not a Spanish Will

Once all this has been done, the inheritance procedure can begin, and follows the same procedure, as detailed above. As you can appreciate these extra steps which are necessary if a Spanish Will is not in place is firstly more costly, but also a more lengthy process. As such, we would recommend that if you have assets in Spain, to draw up a Spanish Will to cover those assets. Basically a Spanish Will is the key to making it cheaper, easier and quicker to resolve your inheritance related to the Spanish assets. Of course, JLCA & As.-Lawyers are able to offer advice and assistance whatever your situation with inheritance may be, and the legal loopholes to avoid additional taxes and costs.

Taxes - If the deceased and heirs are Resident in Spain In this case the taxes are paid to the Generalitat. There are set reductions for related heirs. Taxes - If they are not Resident in Spain In this case again there are set reductions for related heirs, however the taxes are paid to the Tax Office in Madrid. The Deed of Inheritance and associated documentation

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ight! Now that I’ve got your attention, girls – this is a picture of me last year in an Elche football strip (calm down, that’s what we call the kit). I am trying to sell you something today, look closely - can you guess what it is? You’ve got it, I want to sell you…football! Yes, yes, I know, it’s a man-thing – gets rid of him/keeps him (relatively) quiet/he lets off steam etc. But havn’t you girls noticed? Things are changing: you lovelies are becoming interested in ‘The Beautiful Game’ – aren’t you? More and more of you are getting involved: if you don’t believe me, watch a game on TV and you’ll see for yourselves. On the terraces are ladies of every size, shape, age and colour – usually your team’s – and very nice you all look too, certainly brightening up the place. If I tune into ‘606’, the UK’s Radio 5 Live’s phone-in football programme you females are phoning in on that too, making your points with real passion for the game. Lady reporters are reporting knowledgeably about the game in the media, and the odd referette ( I invented that word) and lineswoman are turning up – the latter two are very brave in my opinion: men take enough stick! Why is there this change, from working man’s Saturday pleasure (after Friday Night’s delights) to all-round weekend family enjoyment, Sundays included? Well, society has changed, hasn’t it? We lads now use cosmetics (apparently), cook, change nappies and (sometimes) even help clean our houses – well some of us, do - honest! So why shouldn’t you ladies get into football: it’s great fun, and you can do something together you didn’t before (careful now, John). Here in sunny Spain, it’s even more climate-friendly to do so. Personally in Spain I follow nearby Elche, the equivalent of UK teams like, let’s say Leicester City, Preston, West Brom, Ipswich, Bristol City, Queens Park Rangers, Cardiff or Middlesborough. No disrespect there to anyone, or their teams, but all those clubs I have mentioned are in the second league down in the English league, known confusingly as The Championship: but only one league below the big boys, the Premiership containing such giants as Manchester United, Chelsea, Arsenal and Liverpool. My Elche, who are known colloquially as ‘Los Illicitanos’ (tell you why another time) similarly play in Spain’s second league, known as 2A: only one league up from us is the mighty La Liga, where the likes of the great Real Madrid and Barcelona play. Yes, really; at Elche we are that near to those great sides, so if one day pigs might fly (bacon would go up) and Elche got it all together and were promoted, we would be playing the mighty Madrilenos and big Barca at their own game. Still, we can all dream…although actually Elche are sixth currently and if we win next week… oh, stop it, John, they never win when you do that, you should know that! So having ascertained that a good, exciting class of football is available twenty minutes down the road at Elche, is it easy to get there? Yes, very. Take the nearest main road to Elche, hit the ring road, turn right onto it and follow the road until you will suddenly see the huge stadium; it’s quite a sight, up one end of Elche, the opposite end to Carrefour and the El Alub shopping centre. The football stadium area is new, with modern blocks of flats, and at the stadium, named the Martinez Valero, they have pop concerts, internationals and cup finals there; it was built for the 1982 World

Cup here in Spain. The ground is very user-friendly, easy to park (and free) and the price to get in, depending where you sit (all-seater stadium) varies from €10 to €30: very reasonable for the standard of football, and a good safe view is available everywhere. Catering is ok, but nothing dramatic, cokes, crisps, bocadillos and that awful stuff that looks like birdseed that you spit out (why bother?), but no alcohol. There is virtually no trouble anywhere – there’s always a few idiots anywhere you go, but the National Police presence is heavy and they literally look forward to and jump hard on anything like that, so you are perfectly safe. The picture I am trying to paint is of a nice friendly afternoon or evening out for a very reasonable outlay: you have about three hours of fun and excitement following your team: and you never know, they might even win! Erm…you remember what I said about the league and being second down in the country…well, there are some other local teams in the area…one popular local one, whose name begins with ‘T’ – are – well – you know that book, 20,000 leagues under the sea? I’m sure you get my drift, if you didn’t let me quickly say that there’s nothing wrong with that standard of football, if that’s what you like. But if you really want the BEST local standard, which COULD lead directly to the biggest league of the European Champions, Spain, then our 2A league is the one to watch. If you’re into colours, Elche play in Lincoln Green and white, local rivals Hercules of Alicante play in blue and white stripes, and nearby Murcia in red and white stripes. Throw in Cartagena down the road in yellow and blue, and you have four local teams, in directly contrasting colours, all in the same league to get passionate about! Of course, timing is everything.. Next month, June sees that tumultuous event that footie fans everywhere look forward to, but have to wait four years to come around: yes the Jules Rimet Trophy – or The World Cup to you. What a good time to take an interest. So come on girls, it’s a rattling good opportunity to have a go at getting involved, if only from the armchair. You don’t necessarily have to understand the offside law, or whether it really was a penalty: just pick one team you want to win before a game – probably the best-looking, like my Mum when choosing an election candidate – and go for it, get excited/ angry/shout rude things/cheer/boo/cry, whatever – just do it, and you’ll see it’s fun! It’s healthier than smoking, more exciting than most hobbies, and can bring you into some different social areas as well. Imagine dropping in a comment like: ‘Did you see that goal of that Venezuelan, Caramba? The way he flicked it up and volleyed it into the far corner was sensational, no goalie could have saved it. I hope John Terry doesn’t let him do that to us on Saturday…’, or some similar astute observation. That’ll make a few lads sit up – deep respect! So why not use the World Cup to dip your toe into the world of football? As any good fan knows it’s a great game to enjoy, and it’s good to see you ladies getting involved. And now finally ladies, I’m going to let you into a secret…actually the photo isn’t me at all. I’m slightly older than him, slightly heavier, ever-so-slightly greyer, but… there are resemblances! Male, cute, cheeky and very lovable – ask the wife – on second thoughts,

I appeal to women! By John McGregor

don’t! See you at the match, though?

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photo MARK WELTON www.foto23.info

offer ends 31 May 2010

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CROSSWORD 1

CROSSWORD 2

Alpha-Cross 01 The first letter of each answer is written next to its clue in alphabetical order. One letter has already been entered. Can you find the words then fit them correctly into the grid?

DOWN

16. Item of

15. Felt pain (5)

1. Oar (6)

furniture (5)

Knowledgeable

20. Frequent

2. Not at any

17. Colonnade

person in a

patron (7)

time (5)

(6)

particular field

22. Mindful (5)

4. Aquatic South 18. Juicy fruit (5)

(6)

24. Once more

American rodent 19. Breakfast

3. Receive

(5)

something

25. Imbue (7)

5. Leave out (7) 21. Parts of a

offered (6)

26. Firstborn (6) 6. Aggregates

8. Circuitous (7) 27. Request for

(6)

10. Luxury craft

a sum of

7. Progeny (5)

(5)

money (6)

9. Last letter

chain (5) 23. Die away (5)

11. Prominent

of the Greek

(5)

alphabet (5)

12. Out of the

14. Emaciated

ordinary (7)

(7)

9 5

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Wordoku key word: Wonderful

1 4 2

aAnswers nswers ppage age 3146

food (6)

L. After (5) N. Countries (7) O. Stone pillar (7) O. Used in making cameos (4) S. Conference (7) S. Carapace (5) S. Item of footwear (4) S. Health resort (3) S. Vegetable (7) U. Oblivious (7) U. Pressing (6) V. Screening (7) V. Type of house (5)

13. In front (5)

A. Highly skilled (5) A. Concurred (6) A. Warning (5) A. Change (5) A. Part of a circle (3) A. Amazing (7) A. Clumsy (7) C. Lucid (5) E. Ahead of time (5) E. Acquires by effort (5) E. Oriental (7) E. Happening (5) H. Provides a cure (5) I. Floating mass (7) L. Dens (5)

Across

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LORETO CASCALES

Colin the King of banter...

A NET GAIN

Hello again, I’ve had quite a few responses to the articles and my website (thanks) and people have been asking me about NLP what the heck is it? And I usually reply: well it’s not a well-known UK car-parking company spelt wrongly (NCP for those who don’t know ;-). If you know of the work of Paul McKenna or Derren Brown, they are just two examples of using NLP – albeit stretched to a specific area of entertainment. So here’s a lay-man’s’ guide to NLP. Well; it stands for Neuro Linguistic Programming. The last word often conjures up images of cults and brain-washing,: have no fear, it’s nothing like that at all. It can be loosely translated as how we use the brain and language to create results. You see, our brains are like computers (hence the word programming) – what information we input, has an effect on what comes out – conscious and unconscious, and we all know people who are more conscious of this than others! The work I do enables me to ‘re-tune’ the brain, or at least help the owner of the brain to become much more aware of what is being inputted and so aware of what will come out in the form of results. A great example is a phobia. Usually a phobia is a learned emotional response. The person sees, hears or experiences an event, the brain inputs this as a negative, emotionally- charged file and job’s done…. A phobia is created. The emotional attachment is the key, if that part is missing as in the case of Mr.Spock, it never becomes a phobia. One of the things I can do utilising some of my NLP training is to ‘move’ the phobia from the ‘scary department’ into the ‘OK department’ of the brain. So it doesn’t remove any memory or knowledge, it significantly changes the response to the event. I hope this doesn’t sound too ‘weird’,: trust me it works I have cured phobias of spiders, flying, birds and driving on motorways, to name but a few. This is only one small avenue where NLP can be effective. Another great way to describe NLP is to put ‘tools in your toolbox’. The tools are tips and techniques, which are user-friendly, you don’t need a psychology degree to make them work on a daily basis. So over the next few months I will be sharing a few ‘tools’ with you, giving you ways to make some small, or large changes in your perspective and even create some totally new results. I look forward to sharing these with you. In the meantime please keep your emails coming nigel@coachonthecouch.co.uk. Feel free to ask for advice or suggestions about any situation you’re looking to change. Have a great month.!

A subject close to hearts and that’s our wallets, now why am I mentioning this you may wonder, well this is a true story. It all started when I first moved to Spain in 1987 and things were slightly different then. I needed a telephone so I applied to Telefonica at the office in Alicante. I was told that as I lived in the campo I would have to pay for five telephone poles to have my line which was a bit of a downer but I paid 240,000 pts which was about a £1000 in them days. I waited in expectation for about four years, not long by Spanish standards I suppose, then one day a van arrived and the poles all down the road were put up. All my neighbours got a phone for 17500pts and I had to pay this as well. But never a mention of the £1000 I had paid four years before, but I had a phone and despite trying to phone the 1004 number nobody had any record of my payment of a 1000 pounds. Then along came computers and internet connections of which I signed up for ADSL but you need to be well off to afford Telefonica prices, so at Christmas I applied to Tele2 which was a lot cheaper and a faster connection for the internet and despite repeated calls to Tele2 I got nowhere, only music. Eventually I got through to some office and was told that they couldn’t supply broadband to my area and I would have to seek alternative suppliers. By this time I was feeling rather upset but then someone mentioned Grannet. I was a bit sceptical because I am quite a distance from Gran Alacant but I do have a bird’s eye view so to speak. Anyway, I asked and this really nice guy called Sid came and checked me out and yes I had a good signal so up went the receiver on my TV mast and now I am back on line again for just under half the cost of Telefonica. So now I am able to do my extra work answering mechanical questions about cars on an American web site - all thanks to mark and Sid of Grannet. But before you all rush out for their great service you must have line of sight from your roof to the top of Gran Alacant but I am well pleased with the service. Right that’s another bee out of my bonnet so to speak now on the next one all this wooden pallades along the beach road into Santa Pola, I wonder how long these will last come Easter when the locals from Elche and Elda come to go to the playa and find they cannot park anywhere, and a narrowed road too boot?

Dear friends, Once again we meet at the Jungle Drums where I have the opportunity to get closer to you and let you know things happening in Gran Alacant (at least the ones concerning the Town Hall). Firstly, I would like to let you know that there is a Chinese whisper going around Gran Alacant saying that we are not doing things properly because we took out the police station to locate the pediatrician. We had to do it immediately because this is a service that comes from the Valencian Government and we had to take the decision from one day to the next one but I can assure you we are looking for the new location of the police station. I know wehere they are going to be but I would like to be completely sure about it before saying anything, so, hopefully next month I will be able to tell you definately. I would like also to let you know we are making improving the little park in Avenida Noruega. The workers from the Town Hall are working in the area to improve the situation of this park and make it more comfortable. We are trying to bring more trees to the area and make it even bigger. You will see little by little the change. I want also to make a very special mention to the “Walk for Life” that the MABS organisation did last Sunday at the clot the Galvany. Around 30 people participated on this excellent event that will collaborate to help English people in Gran Alacant collecting money to be able to get to Elche hospital, a translator or to help care for someone, also equipment. I think Dot deserved to win as she looked fantastic. Thanks for your work and you know I will collaborate with you in any action you will take in the future. Here you have also some photos to show you how wonderful people looked. Finally, I would like to let you know that our mayor, the councillor of Sports and myself were last week at the Sport Hall Centre - that you know are in the process of enclosing and I can tell you it goes very well and it looks very nice. I think that when it will be completely finished it will look smashing and will be one of the best sports facilities in our town. I will be informing you about the progress of this important project. This is all, friends, till the moment, as usually I will meet you again next month in the same place. Meantime if you need something from me you know you will find me at the Municipal Office calling to the 96.669.77.49. Thanks to everybody for making better and more comfortable our Gran Alacant.

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La Marina FOULEYE Hey, you’ll never guess what? Someone – don’t know

A nasty element then entered when certain people made

who – has taken their wire-cutters along in the dead of

allegations last year about the suitability of the people in

night, and…wait-for-it…cut an entrance INTO the five-

charge: were they checked out by the authorities etc in

foot-high Colditz-type wire fencing round our big new

the same way as the UK? Britain is going so ‘PC;’ these

park at Parque del Mosa, between Calle Bilbao and Calle

days it

San Sebastian. This opening now links the pavement out-

makes you sick. Last year I was in England at my grand-

side in the street with the park’s internal pathways, that

sons’ mini-football tournament; the seven year olds were

were laid out last year - but no-one could use them! Ooh-

great,

er, have Interpol been alerted? Chief suspects are dog-

giving it their all, bless ‘em. My daughter muttered to me

walkers/ strollers/anyone with kids/anyone who looks like

‘Best not, Dad’ as I photographed the little lads, playing

they might want to enjoy themselves, and well – anybody

away. When she explained why it was not desirable I was

else with a motive – is living one? Nobody is above suspi-

dumbstruck: that the world has got so sad, so sick that

cion. I think they should erect a plaque when they catch

you can’t even do that – where on earth is it going to end?

whoever it is, perhaps name the park after him or her:

Back at the Youth Club there was an unholy (get it?) row

making a public park available for we-the-public to use it,

about electricity, and who pays the bills – how galling for

indeed – whatever next? And people ARE actually using it!

the people involved to have a mucky, undignified row

I was in the UK recently, luckily got back just before the

like that, that the churchgoers and the priest then got

volcano storm clouds erupted (yeah it was still grey and

involved in. But for all that, those in charge of the Youth

cold there, but what do you expect, it was Easter), and

Club still got on with the job under enormous pressures

on my return caught up with a few of my favourite free

and surviving one catastrophe after another. No doubt

newspapers. In one I was sad to see an article telling us all

those Christian people at the church, and the others (you

of the demise of the La Marina Youth Club and the return

know who you are!) who made life so difficult for Martin

home of Martin and Erica who ran it. I try in life to adopt

and Erica to run an organisation basically designed to help

a ‘do as you would be done by’ approach, ie to give every-

the children and parents of this urbanization, can now be

one a chance before I decide on where we go from here

proud of themselves that the Youth Club has finally had to

– or there. Although I have no children or grandchildren

close its doors, returning our kids to the streets, where we

in Spain, (they’re all struggling away in the UK, although

can now moan about them being idle and bored (again)!

some are coming here to see us this year), I must say I

Which brings me nicely to Iberdrola. Can anyone tell me

always found Martin and Erica very nice, helpful people,

why they do not feature in the worst Spanish companies

and very committed and enthusiastic in their approach to

competition, currently running in one local newspaper?

running the Youth Club.

The electricity supply giants are a law unto themselves,

Perhaps you are newish here and don’t know all the de-

they get away with murder because there is simply no al-

tails: I don’t know them all myself, who does? But I do

ternative, despite the claims. The weak government does

know that from the word go the club had trouble on its

nothing, just watches as people tear their hair out as the

hands, from all sorts of different directions. For a start

blatant incompetence drives people mad, with their esti-

it ran in the basement of the new ‘church’, although a

mated bills, cutting people off who shouldn’t be, and their

more unlikely-looking building to be called a church you

couldn’t-care-less attitude to customer service.

couldn’t wish for, especially with its vandalised windows

In certain small urbanizations, some very near us here in

and unfinished outer walls. It would appear that the Youth

paradise, there is a monthly stand-off every month with

Club never really had the backing of the church and some

Iberdrola where the whole Urb gets cut off every month,

of its regulars, as though it was some kind of undesirable

to be re-connected later if and when negotiations are suc-

sub-movement to lead our youth towards sin: not an

cessful. The builders have usually gone bust, and every-

honest attempt to actually get them off the streets and

one is supplied by builders electricity: so if the collective

provide them with some fun, leadership and maybe teach

payments by the few who still live there do not meet the

them a few things too. But some people didn’t want to

asked-for amount each month, trouble occurs. People

see the club succeed…

have been forced to buy small expensive generators to

Then there were the politicians. The Youth Club was

ensure they receive power. These are by no means ideal,

hailed by some as the biggest and best innovation of its

they are noisy and odorous, can cause offence to neigh-

type in Spain, a blueprint for the future, England meets

bours, and are costly to run in the region of a litre of pet-

Spain, this is how we integrate, etc. Needless to say, as

rol per hour (currently €1.20). You have got to feel sorry

ever in politics, the opposition frowned on the Youth

for people caught up in this bureaucratic mess when they

Club, or at least turned a deaf ‘un towards them when

thought they were buying their dream home in the sun.

they came to power. Then seeing real public attention was

So what with parks, sparks and my barks (worse than my

more in favour of supporting the Club, a smart about-turn

bite), that’s it for May – see you in June?

saw funds suddenly being raised by public efforts. Cynical,

Fouleye

moi? Guilty, m’lud!

WHY PAY MORE?

LAMBS What’s happening in La Marina next month? Zodiacs café/wine bar, off Consum Square on May 27th are having a Greek wine tasting and tapas evening at 7pm, booking required @ €6.50 per head, phone 966 190 779. * Look out for ‘Mind, Body and Soul’ days in June and July * Party time, behind Cards n More for all your fancy dress, hire or buy: seamstress for alterations to full costume design: magician available for all occasions - cabarets, childrens and adult parties: helium balloon displays from €6.95: murder mystery games: party banners, poppers, confetti, scene setters, party decorators: wartime outfits: World Cup products now in stock. The Angel Sports Bar on Monte Victoria is holding an Ascot ‘Ladies Day’ on Thursday 17th June at 12.30. There are a limited number of tickets available @ €7.00, this includes buffet lunch and live music. Westminster Estates are now doing rentals, see Simone for details or ring 966 795 479 The new all-year-round awning (see photo) of Our Plaice Fish & Chips gives all customers a choice of sitting inside the comfortable restaurant, or on the closed-in terrace (al fresco). Imperial Pools are opening shortly in La Marina in the commercial centre at Bahia de Las Dunas. The cash and carry pool supplies unit can be seen from the N332 between Mercadona and the new Chino store. A British company, Imperial Pools have been on the Costa Blanca for 26 years, and have had another pool supplies cash and carry in Cabo Roig for the last year. Any pool enquiries ring Patrick on 966 773 079 or 686 347 707. The Hillside Bar is having a VE day celebration on May 8th, with special evening entertainment at €6.50, booking essential: ring 966 797 673. If you’re looking for a builder, try First Choice builders on 966 796 039 The Phoenix Sports Bar on phase one in La Marina has been open for just over a year, and the atmosphere, food and entertainment are second to none. Clive and Kim are the faces of The Phoenix and a warm & friendly welcome is guaranteed. It’s a must! Crafts n More, behind The Phoenix Bar offer a large range of quality supplies for paper crafting, knitting, painting, jewellery making, and much more. Daily classes run throughout the year, morning and afternoons. Join us for cardmaking, parchment craft, jewellery making, watercolours, napkin decoupage or scrapbooking. Hours are Mon – Fri 10 – 4, Sat 10 – 2, tel 966 790 463 The White Swan phase 4 - apologies for the confusion last month, the Monday lunch club charges only €5 for a two course lunch plus entertainment, Monday May 17th Jimmy Mac is playing. On Wednesday May 12th, Stewart Vincent is playing to celebrate Bet’s birthday, and Friday 28th May again features Jimmy Mac. Phone to book 686 921 486. At El Matador on phase one, every evening there is a three course special menu at €12, with a choice of six starters and main courses. Traditional Sunday roast, three courses €9.50 including a glass of wine. Every Friday there is live entertainment with ‘Bella Luna’, reservations advisable on 966 797 669. Cornish Pride, next to Chief O’ Neills are now doing a sandwich and baguettes delivery service. Tasty fillings start at €2.05. Pasties, sausage rolls and slices and a selection of cookies, cream cakes and carrot cake are also available, tel 618 460 523

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re o m

Tales from the campo...

For the jokers...by the jokers

Light travels more quickly than sound, which is why some people appear to be bright until you finally hear them speak. An optimist is an individual who falls off the top of the Empire State Building and says, after fifty floors, â&#x20AC;&#x153;So far, so good!â&#x20AC;?

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Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

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She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.' She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet..

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He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.' She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so?' like she wanted to. Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, 'They're my brother's boots. My mom made me wear 'em.'

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your mittens?' He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.' She will be eligible for parole in three years.

Stock up and save. Limit: one

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? ' 'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.' 'What that tell you?' asked Tonto. The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is allpowerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'

When you are thirsty, try 7-Up, the refreshing drink in the green bottle with the big 7 on it and Up after.

'You dumber than buffalo. It means someone stole the tent.'

See ladies blouses. 50% Off! Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops! Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first! For sale: A quilted high chair that can be made into a table, potty chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar. Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it. 20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawny Port, sold to pay for charges, the owner having lost sight of, and bottled by us last year. Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

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Tales from the seaside... Deep Heat

A guy on holiday walks into the local pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, “Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I’ve never had three girls at once, and I need something to keep me horny... you know...keep me hard.” The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardsboard box marked with a label ‘Viagra Extra Strength’ and says, “Here, if you eat this, you could pole vault around town for the next 12 hours” The guy says, “Gimme three boxes.” The next day the guy walks into the same pharmacy goes up to the pharmacist and pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man’s penis is black and blue, and the skin is hanging off in some places. The man says, “Gimme a bottle of Deep Heat.” The pharmacist replies, “You’re not going to put Deep Heat on that are you?” The man says, “No, it’s for myarms, the girls didn’t show up.”

Breast Day

A man is in a hotel lobby and wants to ask the desk clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and, as he does so, he nudged his elbow into her breast. They are both quite startled, so the man turns to her and says, "Ma’am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you’ll forgive me." She replies, "Sir, if your d**K is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 436."

TORREVIEJA

Two old ladies from Torrevieja were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke. Her friend saw this and said, “Hey that’s a good idea! What is it that you put over your cigarette?” The other old lady said, “It’s a condom.” “A condom? Where do you get those?” The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived in Gran Alacant, the old lady with all the questions went into the chemist and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, “What size do you want?” “One that would fit a Camel.” Two men met each other on the beach at Majorca. One looked at the other and asked, ‘Are you brown from the sun?’ ‘No,’ replied the other, ‘I’m Smith from The Times.’

Two little East End kids were paddling in the sea at Southend. 'Cor,' said one, 'look at your feet. They ain't half dirty.' 'Well, we didn't have no 'oliday last year.' There are always fortune-tellers at the seaside. Two of them met on the front at Frinton one sunny summer day. 'Lovely weather,' said the first fortune-teller. 'Yes,' said the second. 'It reminds me of the summer of 2010.' An elderly woman went to her doctor, complaining about not being able to hear out of one ear. The doctor then took his penlight, looked in her ear, then took his tweezers, reached in, and pulled something out. After examining the object for a second, he exclaimed, "Well....it seems you inserted a suppository into your ear...". The old lady thought for a second, then responded "Gee....I guess that explains why I can't find my hearing-aid...!".

wo seagulls were flying over the beach at a seaside resort one boiling hot August Bank Holiday afternoon. Every way they looked, there were so many people there wasn't a speck of sand to be seen. 'Ah,' said one to the other contemptuously, 'takes all the skill out of it, doesn't it?'

Before Viagra

One day, little Johnny is walking home from school in La Marina. When he gets home, he finds his grandpa sitting on the front step without any pants on! So he goes up to his grandpa and says “Grandpa, do you realize that you’re not wearing any pants?” His grandpa replies “Yes Jimmy, I do.” Jimmy then says “Well, why are you outside without any pants on Grandpa?” His grandpa looks at Jimmy and responds “Well Jimmy, yesterday I sat outside without a shirt to long, and I got a stiff neck. This was your grandma’s idea.”

some will go to any lengths...

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“Experts have warned that it could take years of work by experienced professionals to clean up after the volcano. That’s why Mum’s gone to Iceland.”

Funny how some one here Blow their top over nothing. I woke up this morning to find every surface in the house covered in a layer of dust and a foul stench of sulphur in the air. No change there then, I’ve been married to the bone idle slob for 20 years.

Q:What’s the difference between the Iceland Volcano and Cheryl Cole? A: The Volcano is still blowing Ash.

FA cup final prediction Ash-ley Coal scores the winner against Pompeii..

Sky News: rvices Emergency se could ey th id ra af e wer torrent a by be swamped lieve be I ” e. ic of melted rm te is the technical ”. “water

the It was of the h is last w nomy dic eco be Icelan s e s ash that it er v o d sprea . e Europ

I see that America has declared war on Iceland. Appa rently they are accu sing them of harb ouring a “weapon of ash eruption”.

The n an Unio Europe ked for as actually eir alphaut th b , h s a de c sn’t inclu bet doe er C. the lett

Fir Icela st bank nd goes r upt, t sets itself hen it o That ’s an n fire. insu ance scam r!

The Gerine Lufman airl s id it plan thansa sa ghts. e some fli to resum there are so ly Apparent France mans in many Ger w that the right no t vernmen French go red surrende

Your mum’s so she fat when ted a m re c t go ban to d a they h from s e n la p ll a r flying ove europe.

Welcome to Iceland. We’re currently doing a bit of construction – please pardon the dust.

tuUnfor nks , tha s, ly e t a n od er Wo be to Tig in can g ir v ow no to thr found Icelan e h t into lcano dic vo

“The volcanic ash from Iceland disrupted air travel all over Europe. Everything’s grounded. Commercial flights. Private jets. The only thing still flying — Toyotas.”

It was the last wish of the Icelandic economy that its ashes were spread all over Europe.

There’s no volcano in Iceland. Chuck Norris is just having a barbecue.

Q: What the a did ir say to plane the v olca A: Sh no? ut up ash-h , you ole

BBC News “Europe faces prolonged air chaos”… Ermmm, how can there be air chaos when we are all stuck on the ground.

I think it’s too soon to make jokes about the Icelandic volcano… we should at least wait until the dust settles

An eruption in Katla (the volcano next to Eyjafjallajökull) will be a lot harder on everyone, except on those who have to pronounce it.

The agains odds a bom t there bein b on a g a milli plane o two bo n to one. A are gainst mbs, th million e odds m a time y illion to one re a ou fly, . take a Next and cu bomb t the o Benny dds. — Hill

PUZZLES ‘No, no Iceland , no send us . We said all your cash’

Eyjafjallajö – nam kull e the pe d when rs about on writing it fell on the asleep ir keyboard .

Solitions

from page 19

Easy Soduku

Hard Soduku

Icelandic Volc thoug ano? I ht th e was comin dust g fro Man m Cit phy c y’s troabine t!

Wordoku

Volcan in Icela o nd… What Earthq next uake Asda? in Crossword 1

On one particular flight the pilot had hammered his plane into the Alicante runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a “Thanks for flying Difficult Jet airline.” In light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment, but no one seemed annoyed. Finally everyone had gotten off except for one little old lady walking with a cane. She approached and asked conspiratorially, “Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?” “Why no Ma’am, what is it?” Did we land or were we shot down?”

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Crossword 2

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THERE IS ONLY ONE NAME IN SANTA POLA

Talleres PEREZ JUAN NEW AND SECOND HAND VEHICLES, REPAIRS, SERVICING AND BODY WORK Talleres Perez Juan S.L Ctra Elche 10 - Santa Pola. Telephone 96 541 5921 or 96 541 3746 32

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Welcome to our May news concerning motoring

Permiso, as before, but will give you a grace period,

issues and life in Spain.

of 10 days, in which to have the vehicle successfully

Well, we are starting to believe that summer may

tested. Lets see how this one develops.

have at last arrived and we appear to be rid of the volcanic ash, although we didn’t see any, did

Now that summer has arrived, please don’t forget to

you?

regularly check your coolant level, (yours as well as

Our sympathies to all those unfortunate people

the car) and keep an eye on the temperature gauge,

that were caught up in the delays and disruption,

top-up the windscreen washer bottle, (to get rid of the

lets hope we don’t experience a repeat perfor-

flies and dust) and don’t forget to have the air-con

mance.

checked and recharged if necessary. It don’t work to good without the gas!

We have news regarding the ITV Test on two counts, firstly, effective from the 25th of May, any vehicle pre-

We had a very interesting weekend, at the “This

sented for the ITV Inspection, must provide a valid,

is Spain Exhibition”, with an excellent turnout, at a

current Insurance Certificate, if not provided, the Test

venue that had everything for a family day out, from

will result in a failure.

live music to an inviting swimming pool, and the

I happened to point this out to Paco and Jose, whilst

weather was really kind too.

enjoying a beer, their response being, that such

We were encouraged by the interest shown in our

nonsense isn’t required for their preferred transport

Services, enquiries ranging from, Car Servicing, Re-

of donkey and cart. Now there’s a real worry. Paco

Registration and Transfers, Paint and Bodyshop, with

was pleased to tell me, that publishing his photo had

particular interest being shown in our Shiny Lamps,

earned him a few beers and that the Town Hall had

headlamp refurbishment service, in all a worthwhile

promoted him to Crew Bus driver, in their nice, new,

and enjoyable exercise. Look out for the next Exhibi-

white people carrier. That said, when I saw him last,

tion it is well worth a visit.

he was half way up a palm tree wielding an evil looking knife, perhaps he’s on to even higher things!

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Until next month, safe motoring, please contact us on Secondly, should you be stopped by one of the many

965 419 769 or

and frequent Police checkpoints and be found to

e-mail mick@completemotoringsolutions.es

have an expired ITV, then you will be fined 150 euros, but the good news is that they will not confiscate your

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“for all your home and business computer needs”

“BlueMoon Solutions is the computer and IT services company on the Costa Blanca. We aim to provide high quality computer services at realistic prices - we specialise in providing services to small businesses and home users”

Broadband Setup New Computers & Laptops in English

Welcome to this month’s computer article written by Richard from BlueMoon Solutions I can do so much to keep your computer safe and free from problems, but there is also a lot that you can do yourself to help keep your computer running in tip top condition, this month we cover a few of the simple things that you can do to help yourself. Keep your antivirus software up to

computer with the amount of space available

date

shown under each drive. The one that you are interested in is the one marked “Local Drive

This means not only keeping the virus defini-

(C:)”

Repairs & Upgrades

tions up to date (this is the antivirus database

Compatible Ink Cartridges

connect to the Internet) but also, and just as

Phone Calls Using Your PC

use free antivirus software (AVG, Avast or one

computers.

of the other ones). These programs from time

that in most ways they are a better buy than

to time run out, and at this time they usually

a ‘tower’ computer, however when you spill a

recommend that you upgrade to their “full –

glass of wine over your tower computers key-

paid-for” version. Although at this stage you

board the worst that can happen is that you

can upgrade or install the latest “free” version,

have to pay 20€ for another keyboard. If it’s

these companies don’t make it easy for you to

your laptop keyboard then it could well be a

find the free version. As a result many people

different story!

that usually updates automatically when you

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Help Yourself...

importantly, the program itself.

Many of us

Don’t eat or drink over your computer Many of us now use laptops as our day to day Their cost and versatility mean

allow their program to become more and more

PC and Server Health Checks

out of date; this is a bad idea because you are

Keep updating your updates

leaving yourself at risk. If you can’t or don’t

Macro Writing

want to update it yourself then contact some-

Its difficult to know nowadays whether you

one that can do it for you - just don’t ignore

should or shouldn’t click the “yes please up-

Microsoft Office Training

the messages.

date me” button, I get asked many times a day whether this or that particular update is

Server Monitoring

Ensure that you have sufficient hard disk space available

Backup Solutions

‘safe’, the general rule is yes but of course you can’t apply this rule to everything (useful eh?). If you are using a Windows computer

Web and Email Hosting

Modern operating systems (Windows Vista,

then Microsoft release security updates on the

Windows Server Configuration

Windows 7) take care of the tedious, regular

25th of each month and you can check which

tasks that were necessary in earlier versions

ones are outstanding on a Vista or Windows

of operating systems you had to do tasks like

7 computer by going into the ‘control panel’

defragmentation of the hard drive, performing

(start, control panel) and clicking on the ‘sys-

Anti-Virus & Security

disk scans for errors etc however these are

tem and security’ section. From within there

now taken care of by the operating system.

you will see an option for ‘windows update’.

No Call Out Fee

The downside of this is that we become com-

Click on this to check for any recommended

placent about controlling the amount of infor-

updates. Do be aware that if you have had

mation that we put on our computers. As a

your computer illegally changed from Span-

general rule you should try to keep at least

ish language operating system to English this

15% of the hard drive free, that is 15% of

section of your computer may not function

the C: drive available. This will ensure that

properly and could cause your computer to be

your computer has enough space to perform

missing essential security updates.

the type of clean up tasks that it does for you

you think this could apply to you then get in

automatically now.

touch and we can help you work through the

Network & Wireless Setup

No Job Too Small

Email or phone us for friendly help and advice office@bluemoonsolutions.es

To find out how much

Again if

www.bluemoonsolutions.es

disk space is currently available on your com-

best way to sort the problem out.

puter just click on ‘start’ (the round button in

Well that’s about it for another month, thank-

mobile: 655 044 970

the bottom left corner) and click ‘computer’

fully the sun seems to be staying around more

(or equipo if you have a Spanish version of

now, I guess that summer is arriving, soon be

Office: 902 906 200

the operating system), a window will appear

in shorts (what a horrible thought! Ed).

showing you all the available drives in your

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Ford Fiesta Dec 2001 100,000kms, 5 door, A/C, PAS Economical, Easy to park

Opel Corsa Auto 2001 5 door 1.2 engine 63,000kms

Fiat Punto end 2001 71,000kms, 3 door Very Economical, A/C, PAS

Nissan Micra 2003 72,000kms Like New 5 door, A/C, PAS

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QUALITY NEW & USED FURNITURE SHOP

New 2 You is a small chain of quality pre-owned furniture shops. The main shop is in Torrevieja , in Eliseos Playa, and is has a huge display area of 550 square metres. The bedroom shop is not far away in Mar Azul, where not only second-hand beds and bedroom furniture is on offer, but also brand new beds and matresses of all shapes and sizes and at unbelievable prices. There is another branch in Dolores, which is also stocked with the high quality used furniture that is the trademark of New 2 You. Established an amazing 20 years ago, in 1989, by the owner Karen Dowsing, it has gone from strength to strength. Seeing a gap in the market, she launched the business in what now is the bedroom shop, gradually expanding into the adjoining locale, then acquiring the shop in Dolores and finally opening the showcase shop in Eliseos Playa. She now employs a team of friendly staff and gives as one reason for her success the emphasis she places on customer service. Karen told us- “ I believe that our emphasis on helpfulness and service, combined with only accepting excellent quality second hand furniture is the secret of our success. One positive effect of the credit crunch and the fact that so many people have unfortunately had to return to the UK is that we have been able to acquire furniture that is practically brand new and sell it on at a fraction of the price it would normally cost. Many people call in my shop think they have come to the wrong place and it cannot possibly be second-hand furniture they are viewing. An idea of what we have on offer can be seen on the website at www.new2you-furniture. com.” Although they are based in Torrevieja, over the last few months they have expanded to offer free viewing and delivery of items much further afield . Any area will be considered so please contact them with your items to sell or if you are looking for something to buy. In the main shop at Eliseos Playa, they have a section selling brand-new bedding, accessories, curtains, electrical goods, in fact everything you need to complement your home. Another popular recent addition to their stock has been the introduction of new beds and matresses for sale in the bedroom shop. They keep the prices as low as possible, in keeping with their committment to high on quality low on price. They sell a range of sizes, different models including storage beds, and a variety of brands of new matresses to suit any budget. As Spring has finally sprung, what better time to think about changing your garden furniture. Also, as summer approaches and so do the inevitable visitors, New 2 You can help you with bed setees, beds, bedding anything you need to make your visitors stay a comfortable one. Take in the New 2 You advert from your copy of Jungle Drums and receive a guaranteed discount on your purchase Karen is an active member of the business community on the Costa Blanca and is a fully –fledged member of the prestigous networking group Company Women, (www.companywomen.org) and TIBA, the International Business Association. (www.tibacb.com).

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MARBLED DUCK

GREEN WOODPECKER

ELCHE’S (UN)NATURAL WORLD

by Malcolm Palmer

If, like me, you were influenced by the

of the budget that no money remained

maintained as a reserve, just across

natural attributes of our Costa Blanca

to provide facilities for the birds – the

the road from the huge urban sprawl

when you chose to live here, you ought

excellent, hardworking staff have no

belonging to Santa Pola, is a truly

to be appalled by what has happened to

birds to show you, at least at the Centre!

interesting area. No hunting at all is

the environment in recent years. Let’s

But you can obtain programmed access

allowed, and gates kept closed now

take a look at the extensive area covered

to the park itself. (if you’re prepared

prevent dogs from being walked in

by Elche’s municipality, in some detail.

to make the arrangement in advance,

sensitive zones. Rabbits abound, and the

We’ll start with the ‘Horror of MR9.’

and get up early!) Meantime the scrap

pools are often home to some interesting

Once upon a time, the fields that stood

between the greedy owners, Regantes

species, though one of them does require

between La Marina village and the coast

de Levante, and the ineffective Valencian

some remodelling. Some raptors winter

at El Pinet were just that – fields –

government, goes on, as said owners

there, as do Bluethroat, Wryneck and

effectively a ‘buffer zone’ between the

extract vast quantities of water each

Iberian Green Woodpecker. Breeding

salinas and the urban area. Then Elche

year, and are whitewashed by the courts

birds include Rufous Bush Robin (albeit

allowed the wanton defilement of the

whenever a case is brought. (not unlike

rarely) Purple Swamp-hen and White-

green area, and the building of a huge,

the situation regarding the contamination

headed Duck. It is a reserve well worth

ugly urbanisation, despite repeated

of the Rio Segura – but that’s another

a morning’s walk, and a fine effort by

prohibition by the European Union, and a

tale) The threatened White-headed

the Elche ayuntamiento – there, I had to

denuncia by local ecologists. Two efforts

and Marbled Ducks are the sufferers in

give the authorities some credit!

to ameliorate the effects of this barbarity

this mess, and where are the National

followed. The Valencian Community

Government in something so important?

bought a big chunk of disused salinas,

Search me, guv.

which they (mis)manage as a reserve,

Further inland still, the Pantano de Elche,

and the eyesore campsite was closed –

back up in the hills, continues to be a

the one really welcome move, creating

reserve in waiting. We were promised

a nice bit of open woodland. The

action, by my reckoning, five years

caravaners try hard to chock up the area,

ago. Nothing, as yet, unless you like to

parking their behemoths on a nearby

be eaten by mosquitoes as you watch

carpark in large numbers.

thousands of Starlings coming in to roost

We can now move inland to El Hondo. Oh

in the choked-up reedbeds.

dear! The splendid Reserve Centre at San

So we must finish on a cheerful note.

Felipe Neri evidently swallowed so much

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MAY 2010 The Jupiter-inspired mayhem pencilled-in for 7th of the month onwards may be an opportunity for you to shine in a near superhero capacity to solve problems on the hoof and in the air. Nuts, particularly almonds and walnuts, but not peanuts and hazel nuts, are randomly starred, especially when eating at the bar on yachts from small red bowls.

Market trading, auctioneering and buying a DVD on EBAY are well starred this month, except if it is a boxed set and the seller says the item is watched only once (he is technically telling the truth in that he took the DVDs out of the box and looked at the DVDs once but they were so scratched and bashed about he never put it in his DVD player to watch in the usual ‘watch a DVD on the television’ sense of the word.) Complain and you will get a refund. This month there is a black and white romantic comedy movie advisory in place for all of the month with particular concerns over moustaches of the Douglas Fairbanks variety. Jam, jammin’ and jamming things into other things, are all perfectly well starred in any tea party or dance in a room where alcohol or drugs are not allowed to be consumed and top buttons are firmly fastened

Grand theatrical musical productions in which you walk, singing coolly down a glittery staircase in top hat and tails, are well starred and well into March. Remember to keep your chin up so they can hear you at the back.

Misdirected anger towards technology is well starred this month, with a better-than-average chance that the technology being harangued will start working correctly after a while. This, of course, is a completely random occurrence and is nothing to do with the planets until 19th of the month in which case all technology is in the hands of Neptune and so all bets are off.

‘Oh no’, ‘Oh my Gawd’, ‘Jesus get the hell out of here’ and ‘No, I’m not flubbing well going in there’, are all phrases you might reasonably expect to hear coming out of your own, or a fellow Virgo’s mouth this month as you enter what could very well be a haunted house, or it might just be a house, it depends on which apparitions are in there, which things are being thrown through the air, and how long the blood stays on the walls. Go figure. There might be a useful book on Amazon we could recommend if we had time to look for it. Grand entrances, possibly with top hat and tails and one of those long stick thingies, are badly starred especially if it has been raining and the steps are wet. Humus, Greek Yogurt and sun-ripened tomatoes from Italy are starred individually but armageddonly starred if combined in a meal or buffet.

If they are right and the world is going to end in 2012 (just after the London Olympics) then you only have about two and a bit years to achieve whatever it is you want to achieve in your life. Now may be the time to throw off the cloak of conformity and take that last final gamble. (See our disclaimer, below).

Saturn has put you on a red ‘YouTube’ video alert, so make sure you have enough memory in your camera to record any laugh-out-loud moments of video sublimity. Overreactions involving a cell phone are ominously starred around the 18th of the month. This month your destiny has concerns over global warming.

Chants involving the holding of low tones for up to five minutes are starred well in most situations, but not in shower rooms and public rest rooms or public toilets for the opposite sex (it’s a long story and if we had an 0898 number at this point you could rest assured we would put the details on there.)

WARNING: There is a nakedness advisory set against this, plus an only ‘Try-this-at-home’ request. Scraping the bottom of the barrel is set to be well starred this month, especially with spoons on metal poles scraping in an easterly direction, which just so happens to be the same direction Jupiter is carelessly spinning this month.

Your accurate 4% of the time ability to predict things will improve to a massive 27% this month, but even so your abilities still need to be carefully proved to your sceptical public. Arguments involving science are well starred this month, especially if a simple experiment can be used to prove your argument. Ensure you have enough petri dishes, test tubes and pestles and mortars in your store cupboard for the inevitable challenges.

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MORE THAN

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Visit our office in Santa Pola - Portus Illicitanus Tel. 96 541 3076 - Monday to Friday - 09.30 - 13.30pm

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Any legal businesses wishing to join

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BUSINESS DIRECTORY AIR CONDITIONING DIGINOVA Santa Pola Tel 660 631 380 MAYO Gran Alacant Tel 665 063 228 REFORMNOVA Gran Alacant Tel 670 260 684

ANIMAL RESCUE LEZSONJA’S BOARDING KENNELS Sax, Tel 96 112 0244 ALBERGUE Bacarot Tel 96 596 0224

BARS CAGNEY’S La Marina Tel. PHOENIX BAR La Marina Tel. 663588340 SINATRA’S Hondon Tel. 96 548 2047 SUNSET BAR Gran Alacant Tel. 664 277 986

BOOKS

CARDS & MORE LA MARINA TEL. 96 679 0954 LA MARINA ANIMAL WELFARE La Marina Tel 96 679 5593 MALVINA BOOKS La Romana Tel. 96 569 6656

BUILDING / MAINTENANCE ALTOMAR Gran Alacant Tel. 96 669 9353 CLIVE COOMBER Gran Alacant Tel 669 593 212 FIRST CHOICE La Marina Tel. 96 679 6039 MAYO Gran Alacant Tel 665 063 228 REFORMNOVA Gran Alacant Tel: 96 541 4040

BUSINESS ASSOCIATIONS TIBA All Areas Tel. 902 906 015

CAR HIRE XTRA RENT A CAR Santa Pola Tel 607 850 664 HONDON RENT A CAR Hondon Tel 96 610 5205

CARPENTRY MAYO Gran Alacant Tel 665 063 228 REFORMNOVA Gran Alacant Tel 670 260 684

CAR REPAIRS RENAULT Santa Pola Tel 96 541 3746 MICK MECHANIC Gran Alacant Tel. 633 290 031 PERFORMANCE & DIESEL Guardamar Tel. 96 610 7606 VILLAGE GARAGE Catral Tel. 667 369 043

CAR SALES FWR CARS El Altet Tel. 96 568 7976 RENAULT Santa Pola Tel 96 541 3746 CLUB CARS La Marina TEL. 96 618 0006 COCHES GUARDAMAR La Marina Tel. 646 763 645

CAR TRANSFERS CAR SERVICE CENTRE La Marina Tel. 650 821 082 HEADLAMP EXCHANGE La Marina Tel. 96 610 8938 LEGAL SOLUTIONS La Marina Tel. 96 679 6060 RE-REGISTRATION SPECIALISTS La Marina Tel. 650 821 082

CLUBS / SOCIETIES MONTE MAR BOWLS CLUB Gran Alacant Tel: 96 669 8676

COMPUTERS BLUE MOON SOLUTIONS All Areas Tel. 655 044 970 SPANISH INKS All Areas www.spanishink.com GRANNET INTERNET Gran Alacant Tel.

CONVEYANCING ANDREA BURNS Gran Alacant Tel 96 669 7824 JLCA LAWYERS Gran Alacant Tel 96 669 8796

DENTAL ALBA DENTAL Albatera Tel. 664 722 154 BRITISH DENTAL PRACTICE La Marina Tel 96 679 6603 DENTURES DIRECT Gran alacant Tel. 619 185 122

DIVING SANTA POLA DIVE ACADEMY Santa Pola Tel. 96 541 4510

DOCTORS CLINICA GRAN ALACANT Gran Alacant Tel: 96 669 7411 EMERGENCY Tel 608 666 455

DOMESTIC APPLIANCES APPLIANCE FIX Gran Alacant Tel. 96 618 3024 EURONICS Gran Alacant Tel. 96 669 5365 ELECTRICIANS/ELECTRONIC

CCW ELECTRICAL Gran Alacant Tel 617 872 405 DIGINOVA Santa Pola Tel 660 631 380 REFORMNOVA Gran Alacant Tel: 96 541 4040 ENTERTAINMENT

FLAMENCO - LOS LUNARES Gran Alacant Tel 96 669 5399

ESTATE AGENTS IPG La Marina Tel. 96 679 5233 MASA INTERNATIONAL Gran Alacant Tel. 629 251 747 TOP ALACANT Gran Alacant Tel. 96 669 7357

FARMACIAS FARMACIA GRAN ALACANT Gran Alacant Tel. 96 669 7471

FISCAL ANDREA BURNS Gran Alacant Tel 96 669 7824 RAQUEL BALLESTER Gran Alacant Tel. 965 710 353 WWB All Areas Tel. 96 619 6563

FURNITURE SECOND HAND FURNITURE La Marina Tel. 96 644 3370 BARCLAYS NEARLY NEW San Fulgencio Tel. 96 672 5725 NEW 2 YOU All Areas Tel. 96 571 5605

GARDENING JUST WILLIAM La Marina Tel. 667 003 367

HAIRDRESSERS FRANCESC AGULLO Gran Alacant Tel. 96 669 5031 JO MOBILE HAIR La Marina Tel. 96 679 0920

HEALTH & BEAUTY BRITISH DENTAL PRACTICE La Marina Tel 96 679 6603 CLARE GALE All Areas Tel. 96 671 7164 FRANCESC AGULLO Gran Alacant Tel. 96 669 5031

HEARING CENTRAL OPTICA Gran Alacant Tel: 966 698 802

HEATING

DIGINOVA Santa Pola Tel: 660 631 380 REFORMNOVA Gran Alacant Tel 96 541 4040

HOUSEHOLD SERVICES MOZISTOP All Areas Tel. 659 259 319

INSURANCE ALMARCHA INSURANCE La Marina Tel. 96 572 9747 GLOBELINK All Areas Tel. 96 626 5000 PERPETUO SOCORRO La Zenia Tel. 678 570 632 ROWLAND INSURANCE Santa Pola Tel 96 541 3076

JEWELLRY GOLD WANTED All Areas Tel. 664 890 990

KENNELS JEAN & DAVE’S Hondon Tel. 660 969 529 LEZSONJA’S BOARDING KENNELS Sax, Tel 96 618 283

PARK & BARK La Marina Tel. 628 244 712 MORTGAGES JLCA LAWYERS Gran Alacant Tel: 966 698 796

MOSQUITO NETS MOZISTOP All Areas Tel. 659 259 319

NATURE

MALCOLM PALMER Santa Pola Tel 96 608 2454

NURSING CARE IN THE COMMUNITY All areas Te. 96 597 5459

OPTICIANS CENTRAL OPTICA Gran Alacant Tel 966 698 802 SPECSAVERS Torrevieja Tel. 96 692 7249

OSTEOPATH

ROSA MARTINEZ Gran Alacant Tel 616 779 034

PAINTERS / DECORATORS

MAYO Gran Alacant Tel 665 063 228 REFORMNOVA Gran Alacant Tel 96 541 4040 CLINICA VETERINARIA Santa Pola Tel 96 669 2328

PETS LEZSONJA’S BOARDING KENNELS Sax Tel 96 618 2838 MOUNTAIN VIEW CAT HOTEL Hondon Tel. 96 667 7273 PARK & BARK La Marina Tel. 628 244 712

PHYSIOTHERAPY ROSA MARTINEZ Gran Alacant Tel 616 779 034

PLUMBERS DMF PLUMBING All Areas Tel. 96 679 9740 REFORMNOVA Gran Alacant Tel 96 541 4040

POSTAL OFFEX All Areas Tel. 96 672 0959

REMOVALS MISTER VAN All Areas Tel. 697 775 588

RESTAURANTS COCOA’S Gran Alacant Tel. 96 669 8509 LOS LUNARES Gran Alacant Tel 96 669 5399 OUR PLAICE FISH & CHIPS La Marina Tel. 96 679 5418 SAFFRON Gran Alcant Tel. 96 669 8098 SUNSET BAR Gran Alacant Tel. 664 277 986 WISHING WELL Dolores Tel. 96 671 1653

SIGNS / SIGN WRITING CORTES SIGNS Santa Pola Tel. 686 464 076

SOLICITORS

JLCA LAWYERS Gran Alacant Tel: 966 698 796

SUNBLINDS TOLDOS PENALVER Santa Pola Tel. 96 543 2350

SUPERMARKETS EUROSTRETCHER Almoradi Tel. 96 671 6790 SWIMMING POOL (MAINTAINANCE)

GA POOLS Gran Alacant Tel 628 030 184 IMPERIAL POOLS La Marina Tel. 96 677 3079 PJ’s All Areas Tel 619 501 657 TONY’S Inland Tel. 626 583 689 SWIMMING POOL (CONSTRUCTION)

REFORMNOVA Gran Alacant Tel 96 541 4040 ANDREA BURNS Gran Alacant Tel 96 669 7824

TAX ADVICE JLCA LAWYERS Gran Alacant Tel: 966 698 796

TOBACCO ESTANCO 7 Santa Pola Tel. 96 669 4716

TRANSLATORS ANDREA BURNS Gran Alacant Tel 96 669 7824 MITCH BULL Gran Alacant Tel. 638 608 422

TRANSPORT AIRPORT FLYER All Areas Tel. 618 834 774 TAXI Santa Pola Tel 609 959 408

TV DIGINOVA Santa Pola Tel 660 631 380 SIMULSAT Santa Pola Tel. 677 878 210

VETS CLINICA VETERINARIA Santa Pola Tel 96 669 8463

PROPERTY RENTALS OPI RENTALS Gran Alacant Tel. 96 669 7438 La Marina Tel. 96 679 5422 INVEST SPAIN Elche Tel. 96 542 9396

STILL the cheapest advertising around- TEL. 606 540 408