Vol 2 Issue 12 by Kai Davis

PREFONTAINE

DEAD! RUNNER’S DEATH LINKED TO DRINKING INCIDENT!

YOUR CHILDHOOD SAY GOODBYE TO IT A LOOK BACK | PAGE 4

SPORTS

THE

COMIC PRESS THURSDAY | MAY 28, 2009

Your independent, alternative student newspaper | Since 2007 | thecomicpress.com

COMIC PRESS STAFF

STRIKES

Volume 2, Issue 12

WORLD

Summer Lovin’ | The Chest-Stache No-Shave November and Facial Hair February have passed us by, but don’t sweat it guys, a new fad is right around the corner - and just in time for Summer!

NEWSROOM STAFF WILL NOT PRODUCE ANOTHER PAPER UNTIL THE UNIVERSITY ADMINISTRATION MEETS FOUR DEMANDS TO PRESERVE FUTURE OF OUR ORGANIZATION AND OUR BUZZ

The entire editorial staff of The Comic Press is on strike, effective at 4 p.m. Thursday, May 28th. We’d like to claim this strike is in response to something ‘worldly’ or ‘meaningful,’ but really it’s because we’re out of beer and started sobering up. Our demands address recent hiring, firing, and purchasing decisions made by the University of Oregon administration. Specifically, their decision to purchase only light beer has left us unusually sober for the final weeks of the term. The Comic Press is in the midst of a transformation that we hope will allow us to continue to publish as long as the University is enrolling students, but we are drastically sober, and unless this changes, The Comic Press may have to hang up its ‘drinking boots’ and ‘writing socks’ for good. However, this newsroom is not will-

ing to sacrifice alcohol quality in this process. These changes will not be easy; they are multi-faceted and influence a reconnection with our drinking audience by investing in alternative beverages (Gin!) and moving toward a multi-bar / brew pub / restaurant newsroom that is more accessible to both our of age and underage readers. In order to set these changes into motion, The Comic Press needs the best leadership it can find; not only someone who can make these things happen, but someone who can immediately move our sobriety back towards blackout drunk. We need someone who has a tangible plan to start drinking. Therefore, it is the consensus of the newsroom that we cannot and will not in good conscious continue our duties unless the University of Oregon administration meets the following four demands:

CAMPUS

You don’t know DICK! Change is scary. We don’t like it. Josh Clark | News Reporter

As you may already know, beloved University of Oregon President Dave ‘The Frohn’ Frohnmayer is stepping down after 15 long years. Although technically retired by the end of this academic year, he plans to remain a prominent figure at the University as he continues to ‘teach’ (baby-sit) a freshman seminar and wander somewhat aimlessly around campus. Good luck with your book on leadership, Frohn, and we at the Comic Press wish you the best for the few years of life that you have left. In other, more sinister news, likely Frenchman Richard Lariviere will be assuming control this summer. The former Provost & Executive Vice Chancellor (whatever the fuck that means) at the University of Kansas will claim his throne as President in June during a ceremony that will surely involve making some sort of sacrifice to Phil Knight and branding a few of the local secret societies’ insignias into his chest. I’m not too worried about the ceremonyI’ve attended them before, and the buffets are excellent- it’s this new guy who’s freaking me out. First, do we really want some douche from Kansas to be our president? Guess where he was before that? That’s right, Texas. If the south is anything like it’s portrayed on TV (and I’m sure it is), he will probably play banjo and make incoming freshmen ‘squeal like a stuck pig’.

Secondly, I don’t like his face. That sly grin he’s always got? This guy is definitely up to something. Maybe it’s the fact that he looks strikingly similar to a law enforcement agent. I certainly wouldn’t smoke a spliff with him. But Frohn- I’d hook him up in a second. The third and most horrifying secret that my studies revealed about Lariviere is that he studies ancient texts. I’m not exactly sure what this entails, but I imagine it involves treasures, magic, and mummies. This means that our new president may be privy to secret mystical forces unknown to mere mortals. Perhaps this man possesses a rune of truth, or has learned to play the ocarina of time. Can we run that risk? Such powers may enable him to become University Dictator-for-Life, and we need to preserve our pseudo-democratic system. There’s no telling what could happen if a (French)man with Lariviere’s superhuman abilities seized the reigns of our peaceful campus. With thousands of green and yellow uniformclad young minds at his disposal, he may finally have the human power required for his ultimate goal of world domination. I’m already building my cabin in the woods and stockpiling ammo. I suggest you do the same - before it’s too late.

1. The immediate purchase of a mini fridge for The Comic Press, filled with only top shelf beer. 2. Return the University of Oregon to being a ‘wet’ campus and bring back a real campus bar. Ted Sebastion got one thing right. 3. Make the ODE apologize for not inviting us to strike with them. We would have brought snacks! 4. Bring back the ‘Frohn Bone,’ aka Big Papa Dave, aka David Frohnmayer. We’re kinda sweet on that ol’ pole cat. It pains us to go on strike, but we believe that to not take a stand would be a grave mistake. Fathoms will serve as our outlet to keep readers informed on our strike until we can return to the newsroom. Until then, in the words of The Immorald, “Give us a fucking break!” COMMUNITY

Two Birds, One Stone: Athletic Department Orders Execution of Duck Mascot Decision made to ‘stimulate’ student interest in sports, ticket sales. Josh Clark | News Reporter

The athletic department announced today that the duck mascot will be hunted and killed by the three basketball players accused of shooting at waterfowl last month. The first person to deliver the duck’s severed head to President Frohnmayer’s office will receive an award for outstanding performance, while the two remaining will be given a very stern slap on the wrist and told to take a week off from class. The mascot has come under fire for wearing a Tshirt supporting the Oregon Action Team, an organization that wears ridiculous looking T-shirts and tries to make you vote for some people for ASUO. “The actions of these respectable young men and our mascot cannot go unpunished,” stated UO athletic department’s press secretary, “but our basketball team cannot survive with three less players. I mean, we really do suck.” “Athletes deserve preferential treatment. That’s why they receive money to attend school here while the average student is consumed by debt.”

Chest-stache (chěs’tāsh’, chə-stāsh’) -noun. Chest hair on men, which is allowed to grow without shaving at the top of the chest (in any of various shapes), and shaved clean from well above the nipples down to the waistline. A chest-stache allows a manly appearance in a partially unbuttoned shirt, but with a cleaner appearance below the chest whilst shirtless. Don’t believe me? Take a look at these real life quotes from single (and attractive!) people who think your chest-stash hot! “I like his chest-stache, but it sure gives him a weird tan line.” “I love running my fingers through his cheststache.” “His handlebar chest-stache is oddly appealing, but I wonder how much wax it takes to do that” — Kai ‘Danger’ Davis

“The duck is easily replaceable and extremely unoriginal,” continued the press secretary, “I doubt that the majority of students will notice the difference after he is killed and eaten by the basketball team.” The team will consume the mascot to bring good luck to the new stadium, which is currently under construction. The hunt will be held in Alton Baker park this Saturday. The duck, who is being held by DPS somewhere below the EMU, will be affixed with a shock collar to ensure he remains in the area. The players, who will each receive a pellet gun and a hunting knife, will not be permitted to shoot at each other, real people, or actual birds, keeping the manhunt completely safe. “We are extremely satisfied with this decision,” commented head coach Ernie Kent, “I mean, that mascot is like a Donald Duck ripoff or something. I don’t get it.” “If we punish athletes, how does that prepare them for a life of getting let off the hook?” questioned Kent, “Shooting at birds is nothing compared to what pro athletes get away with, and as a university, it is our job to prepare these young men for their future.”

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OPINION

TALK TO US • Submissions can be as long as you want, but we reserve the right to edit for spelling, grammar, and humor. Include your name, phone number, address, and mother’s maiden name. NEWS STAFF (541) 728 - 0929 KAI DAVIS Publisher JACKSON HAGER Editor-In-Chief KAI DAVIS Managing Editor ALAYNA SHULMAN JAKE SAUVAGEAU SIERRA WARREN Copy Editors JOSH CLARK CAROLYN EIDE COLLIN GERBER AARON GOODMAN CURTIS HALEY ABBY KUHN ARYAN SARPARAST JAKE SAUVAGEAU ALAYNA SHULMAN DAVID VENGEL SIERRA WARREN CHRIS ZABOROWSKI News Reporters DAVE’S SECRETARY AT WORK MERLIN MANN CHRISTIAN LANDER NICK DOUGLAS Syndicated Writers KATE BEATON JOHN CAMPBELL DAVID MALKI! RANDALL MUNROE RYAN NORTH JESSE REKLAW WINSTON ROWNTREE ANDY REMEMTER JUSTIN & DREW WES & TROY Comic Artists JEREMY BLANCHARD KAI DAVIS JACKSON HAGER Designers JEREMY BLANCHARD ABBY KUHN CHRIS MARUSICH JAKE SAUVAGEAU Photographers

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CTP The Comic Press is published by a couple guys and their friends. We don’t get any money, respect or furtive sexual encounters in the supply closet for doing this, so we are understandably bitter. The Comic Press contains only satire and parody, so if you even think about exhibiting moral outrage or taking legal action, then your parents probably didn’t love you enough. Just to be totally clear, we do not assert that anything in this rag comes anywhere close to the truth, facts, medical advice or even good writing. The Comic Press is published at the University of Oregon, Eugene, OR. The Comic Press operates independently of the University. The Comic Press is private property. © 2009

BECAUSE I SAID SO | ABBY KUHN

The New Five-Fingered Shuffle When not getting laid gets the lonely men down, technology has their backs. Most men who haven’t gotten a piece of action in a while start acting like they have rabies. They engage in pent-up, stircrazy urges that blindingly guide them to desperate measures of the worst kind. It is of course is a commonly known fact that not letting your dick out of its pitched tent for too long can be dangerous. That’s where Twitter comes in. I abhor Twitter and all of its dependents. If there is to be any semblance of hope for mankind, Twitter should be avoided at all costs. Above all, Twitter is a blatant red flag to everyone else and says that its users are craving attention from people they barely know or would never even attempt to talk to. The funny thing about it is that most men don’t even bother with Twitter until the lotion bottle runs low and that hand in their pants, whether they’re a righty or a lefty, is more like a self-induced chafe that could use some calamine lotion. A warning to all of the males out there still clutching their half-flaccid dicks: use Twitter as a last resort. As mentioned above please proceed to this low-grade form of panty dropping only after physical pain takes a turn for the worst. I repeat I do not condone Twitter, but Abby Kuhn “The Hammer” sadly there may be a few tricks to help pass you an easy lay. First and foremost, lower your standards starting right now if you want a Twitter hussy. Another point is that you will have to be easy as well; Twitter sluts aren’t going to take too kindly to condescending pricks like yourself. Just always remember that when in doubt, shroud your sprout. Safe sex, whether initiated via email or respectable social interaction, is classier than having to check with your doctor if you’re allergic to penicillin. LISTEN TO MY OPINION | TRUMAN CAPPS Hello, I’m Truman Capps. I know my name sounds a bit pretentious, but I am really quite similar to all of you small-minded students here at the University of Oregon. Although I may have made it into Stanford, had I wanted to fill out the application. I write opinion pieces for the Daily Emerald. Perhaps you’ve heard of it. I write that knowing that your answer is “yes, of course,” due to the extremely high circulation our newspaper receives. One fact that has me constantly befuddled is the lack of influence I have with (and respect I receive from) the student body. I often stop in the Erb Memorial Union dining area to observe you, my fellow students, pouring over the Emerald sports section or contentedly filling out our Sudoku puzzle as you pick at your filthy Subway sandwiches. You, the plebeians who should be eagerly sponging up my opinion like liquid cocaine, you never stop

We offer neither explanation nor appology for the size of our gigantic twitter symbol

After your moral bar is lowered and the Costo-sized condom package sits open on your desk it’s time to start lying. I mean it, rev up those skeazy illusions you have of yourself because you only have 140 characters to take care of business, so you had better damn well make it count. If you take the bolder road less traveled try and make it seem like you’re only half as desperate as you truly are. Jokingly soliciting anonymous sex partners could be your downfall because well, they might actually think you are joking, but I’m crossing my fingers that you find some one out there who is just as deprived of human contact as you. A simple “This jackrabbit needs a hole to bury his bone” could be taken extremely well if you’re looking for a more back-woods kind of guy of gal. Or of course a tried and true “I’m horny and I have lots of free time” could sail you right

Wise Words

into the sheets. A more time-consuming, but eventually more lucrative approach is the emo alibi. Talking about how you feel will at least get you some pity sex, and I hear that online melancholy can be quite attractive. It sends people the message that you put it all out there, or at least that you put out. And for a good listener with a penchant for sobbing after their climax that is their ticket price. Misery does love nudity after all. In all seriousness Twitter is not the place to actually be yourself. Don’t be boring, never think about the consequences of being a Twitter ho’, and don’t even try to kid yourself. Even a Twitter-sponsored sack session is better than rubbing another one out to that ratty old Penthouse you’ve been keeping under your bed as a “collectors item”.

to consider the vast deepness of my after my opinion. I style it in this oft-humorous tangents and passionwave that hasn’t been used by anyone ate monologues. My column is filled but unsuccessful stand up comics in to the brim with wise words and ideas years. It’s one of those things that I that will open your eyes to the truth thought of with my genius mind. No of worlds which you have never seen. big deal. For example, Did you know people Styx is a great that have never met me band. I think will just come up and say, everyone who “Hey, your hair is redisagrees with this ally cool!” I never stop to obvious fact sucks. wonder if they’re being Did I mensarcastic, though. tion the fact that I went to a beauty I employ verpageant a while ago with nacular like ‘sucks’ my girlfriend because apbecause it helps parently one needs to go the youth identify to such things to look at with me, but it’s other ladies. The pageant not too edgy for folks called themselves a the elderly people scholarship foundation, who actually read but as I was staring at girls Goodnight and Go Fuck Yourself the Emerald all the in bathing suits, I started to way through? Pretty think, “This isn’t a contest cool, I know. of wit at all! It is a contest of physical Yeah, I’m hip. My hair is likely beauty! For shame!” my most amazing gift- well, second, The whole thing really sickened

my inner feminist, and I’m sure it will change the way you look at Miss America. I listen to NPR and my parents drive a Prius. But that doesn’t mean I always agree with the liberals. Sometimes they can be a little too wild for my blood. Protesters bug me when they get angry sometimes. Hate is bad. Hate can’t stop hate. Remember that. I don’t like guns (mo’ firearms, mo’ problems is what I always say), but to be safe maybe we should arm the Department of Public Safety. They seem like intelligent, reasonable people that surely deserve weapons. Well, I’ve imparted enough wisdom unto your monkey-like heads for now. I must give you only small doses so as to not blow your fragile mind right out of your fucking head. If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go write a thousand words about how great the Star Trek movie is and two thousand about how much I hate the new Terminator movie.

THURSDAY, MAY 28TH, 2009 THE COMIC PRESS

THE COMIC PRESS THURSDAY | MAY 28, 2009

SECTION B

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HAPPENING SHIT

INSIDE HAPPY HOUR RUNDOWN >> PG 3 WHERE SHOULD YOU SPEND YOUR HARD EARNED DOLLARS? I AM A SENIOR >> PG 4 GET SOME CULTURE, YOU SWINE JEREMY BLANCHARD | PHOTOGRAPHER CARESEE FOSSEY | MODEL JEREMY@THECOMICPRESS.COM | CONTACT

COMICS >> PG 5 A GREAT WAY TO SPEND CLASS TIME

HAPPY HOUR RUNDOWN

You care about your alcohol, don’t you? Sure you do. Because you’re a thinker, a tastemaker, and a college student looking to maximize your drinks per dollar. Let me help. Sam Bond’s • (541) 343-2635 Easy walk from campus Eugene City Brewery • (541) 345-4155 Fathoms • (541) 344-4471 Mon - Sat 8:30- 9:30 $1.50 Wells $1.50 Domestics Mon - Tue 5:00 - 9:00 2-topping mini pizza + brew $5.95 ($6.95 for a Microbrew) Max’s • (541) 349-8986 Mon - Sat 4:00 - 8:00 $3.20 Microbrews $2.25 Lager $3 Wells $2 PBR Rennie’s • (541) 687-0600 Mon - Thu: 4:00 - 7:00, 10:00 - 12:00; Fri: 4:00 - 7:00 Domestic Pitchers $5.50 Microbrew Pitchers $7.95 $2.50 Single Wells / $4.50 Doubles Taylor’s • (541) 344-6174 Mon - Sun, 5:00 - 7:00 $.25 off all drinks Mon / Tue: $1 Wells 9:00 - 11:00 Wed: $1 Microbrews 9:00 - 10:30, $2 Wells 10:00 - 12:00 Thu: $1 Domestics for Women! Fri: $2 Super Mug 9:00 - 10:30 $4 Super Mug 10:30 - 12:00 Sat: $2.00 Long Island Ice Tea 10:00 - 12:00 Villard St Pub • (541) 393-0960 (Follow @villardstpub on Twitter for specials) Mon - Sun, 3:00 - 6:00 $3 Wells $3 Ninkasi Mon - Sun, 10:00 - Midnight $3 Ninkasi

Downtown ‘Barmuda’ The Bier Stein • (541) 485-2437 No happy hour, this excellent place is worth a trip if you care about good beer. Tell them The Comic Press sent you. Black Forest • (541) 686-6619 Mon - Sun, 3:00 - 7:00 $1.50 PBR $2 Wells $3 Microbrews Diablo’s • (541) 343-2346 Mon - Sun, 4:00 - 7:00 $1 off Wells $1 off Draft Beer

(It’s good to live in a Rogue Nation) Mon - Fri, 3:00 - 5:00 ‘Hoppy Hour’ Menu Mon - Fri, Noon - 1:30pm $2 Pints Davis’s • (541) 485-1124 Mon - Fri, 4:00 - 6:00 $1 off everything! Horsehead • (541) 683-3154 Mon - Sun, 4:00 - 5:00 $2.00 Microbrews $6.50 pitchers Mon - Sun, 5:00 - 9:00 $1.75 PBR $2 Bud & Bud Light $1 off liquor Jameson’s • (541) 485-9913 Mon - Sun, 4:00 - 9:00 $1 off Microbrews & liquor $.50 off Domestic Jogger’s • (541) 343-0224 Mon - Fri, 4:00 - 8:00 $1 off 23oz Pints $2.50 Wells Lucky’s • 541. 687-4643 Mon - Sat, 4:00 - 7:00 $1 off draft Microbrews $1 off all liquor

Oak Street Speakeasy • (541) 284-4000 Mon - Sun, 4:00 - 8:00 $1 off Microbrews & Wine Tue / Wed: Burger & Brew $6 Thu: Asian Hot wings $5 Sat: Buffalo Soft Tacos $6 Sun: Bacon Cheddar Fries $4 Starlight Lounge • (541) 343-3204 Mon - Sun, 4:00 - 7:00 $2 Oregon Martinis (Crater Lake Vodka & Cascade Gin) $2 Ninkasi (Ends June 3rd!) $2 Hinman Red Wine (Ends June 3rd!) $2 Oakshire (Starts June 3rd!) $2 Hinman Chardonnay (Starts June 3rd!) Mon - Sun, 9:30 - 10:30 $2 Patron Shots Mon - Sun, 9:30 - Midnight $2 Hop Valley 541 Lager $2.75 Well

(Check out Bingo night on Monday!) Mon - Sun 4:00 - 7:00 $1 PBR (Bottle) $1 off Draft Pints & Wine Entertainment 7 days/week!

Bit of a drive, but worth it The City • (541) 343.4734 Mon - Sun 11:30am - Midnight $1 Rum & Coke $5 Pitcher of Bud $2 Long Island Ice Tea The Cooler • (541) 484-4355 Mon - Fri 4:00 - 9:00 $1.75 Domestic Pints $3 Micro Pints $2 Wells $2.50 Call drinks Jackalope • (541) 485-1519 Mon - Fri 4:00 - 7:00 Mon: $1 off with OLCC or food handler’s card! Tue: $2.50 off Microbrews Wed: $2 off Wells Thu: $1.50 PBR Fri: Bartender’s Choice! Sat: $3 Jim Beam & Coke Sun: $3.50 Bloody Mary Jo Federigo’s • (541) 343-8488 Tue - Sun 5:00 - 6:00, 10 - Close $4.50+ Wells $3+ Beer $5.50+ Cocktails The Old Pad • (541) 686-5022 Mon - Sun 4:00 - 6:00, 11:00 - 1:00 $2 Domestics $3.25 All Others $2 off all appetizers Turtles • (541) 465-9038 Mon - Sun 3:00 - 5:00 $1 off Microbrew Pints $1 off Glass Pour Wines $1 off Wells $1 off Appetizers Wetlands • (541) 345-3606 Mon - Fri 4:00 - 7:00 $2 Domestics $3 Microbrews $3.50 Wells

THURSDAY, MAY 28TH, 2009 THE COMIC PRESS

Acquiantaint.com Vicious Sans Talent TECH

World

Fact: It’s scary outside. Why leave your house to make friends? Aaron Goodman | News Reporter

It seems there is a social network for everyone: Myspace for bands and pedophiles; Facebook for college students and their mothers; eHarmony.com for those who lack the social aptitude to date in the real world; and livejournal, a place for those shunned on eHarmony to write bad poetry. Yes, it seems there’s a group for every demographic, save one. Enter Acquaintaint, the social network for social networking enthusiasts. Now there is a place for people to come together and show their love of social networking, share tips and tricks, ask for help, or just hang out in a relaxed social setting online. Acquaintaint utilizes a state-of-the-art people matching system to connect people with specific social networking interests. Using an algorithm that accounts for 300 individual variables, Acquaintaint scientists have developed a formula to assist you in populating your Acquaintaint “Pals list” with distinct and interesting individuals just like you. No longer are social network enthusiasts constrained to networks that don’t consider their specific needs. Acqaintaint understands exactly what social networkers need. Fact: Social Networking enthusiasts love apps. A life without superpokes, greenpatches, mafiawars, and mousehunts is a life not worth living and Acquaintaint understands this. Fact: Social networking enthusiasts love

change. They are early adopters of an incredibly important new medium and so not only do they like change, they expect it. This is why Acquaintaint has 300+ layouts which are applied randomly every time you log on. This way you can insure that you will never get bored with the exciting new interface. Fact: Everyone - especially social networking enthusiasts - loves knowing exactly what their friend are upto at all times. Acquaintant provides not only an up-to-the-minute “lifestreaming” feed, documenting your “pals” online activities, but also monitors their IP and updates their location on the Acquaintant PalMap(tm). Select a pal and Acquaintaint pinpoints them on your PalMap and gives you a read out of the websites they’re browsing and the music they’re listening to and links you to a high resolution image of their current location courtesy of Google Maps. Social network enthusiasts can network more effectively. Prove your commitment to your friend’s well being by telling them they’re spending too much time on the toilet with their laptops and then let them know that you’re disappointed that they missed their run that morning. Acquaintaint also offers a premium service, free of advertisements. The premium service allows expert social networkers to network with the cream of the social networking crop. At a price of $15 per month, it’s an opportunity for functionality and social standing that real social networkers wouldn’t think of passing up. If you’re a social networker, keep an eye out for Acquaintant. To register for the open beta, tweet “I want in to Acquaintaint!” to @comicpress on Twitter!

SCI-FI

Point / Counter Point: Star Wars vs. Star Trek Alayna Shulman | News Reporter

Long ago, in a galaxy far, far away, lived an under-stimulated writer who couldn’t think of a better into to an article about Star Wars than a regurgitation of its hackneyed preamble. But it doesn’t really matter how perfunctory my opener is, because this debate is so jarringly controversial that it makes Roe vs. Wade seem about as provocative as a Lawrence Welk Christmas special, so people will read it anyway. Yes, it’s ruined more friendships than the US Civil War and arguments about Lost combined – the question of: Star Wars vs. Star Trek.

Star Wars:

• Cooler names. “Klingon” is pretty original, but Star Wars has a whole arsenal of George Lucas’ creations, and the man knows what he’s doing. That superfluous “e” on the end of wookiee adds lodes of artistic flair. • Aliens actually look like aliens. Maybe it’s just me, but when I go to see a Sci-Fi movie, I expect creatures from galaxies several million light years away to look pretty funky, not just like someone gave them a botched Botox injection to the forehead. • Shot on location. Yes, every once in a while the crew of the Enterprise travels to a cool and/or scenic locale for some confusing and usually pointless reason. But Star Wars was filmed in Tunisia, not in front of a green screen.

Star Trek

• TV’s first inter-racial kiss. It may be hard to imagine, but before Drs. Cristina Yang and Preston Burke warmed the cockles of our hearts on Grey’s Anatomy, there was Captain Kirk and Uhura. If this alone doesn’t persuade you to give Star Trek more credit, at least pity Nichelle Nichols for having to go through the rest of her life as the girl who sucked face with the guy from the Priceline commercials. • It never ends. Ever. Whether you actually prefer Star Trek to Star Wars, you’ve got to admire its longevity. From Deep Space Nine to Enterprise and everything in-between, it seems that whoever has the rights to the Star Trek franchise made some kind of lucrative deal with the devil long ago (which explains William Shatner). • No Incest. Okay, I’ll give Luke a break, because he didn’t know Leia was his sister when he had a crush on her. But it’s still really creepy. I’ll stick with inter-racial romance, thank you very much.

Think about this: Luke never made it to Toshi Station to pick up those power converters!

Top 8ights Top 8ights ASUO Acronyms

1. A Super Unorganized Oligarchy 2. Abhorrently Self-important Undergraduate Organization 3. Anti-Social University Officials 4. Acquiescent Students’ Ubiquitous Oblivion 5. A Series of Unanimous Objections 6. Assholes Secretly Uniting for an Overtaking 7. Apathetic Students Undercutting our Options 8. Authoritative Sect of Uproarious Overachievers

Theories to the point of life 1. Walk around and pretend you don’t want to fuck everything that moves 2. Try to please everyone around you 3. Eat, sleep, shit 4. Live vicariously through video games 5. See how much you can get away with until you get killed or society puts you away 6. Enforce and reinforce the fact that out of the 7 billion people on the planet your life somehow matters and you are in fact special 7. Try your damndest to convince yourself that you deserve the wealth you’ve inherited 8. Pretend you are interested in whatever it is that you do

Abby Kuhn | News Reporter

Everyone who has said that you need to have talent to make it in the music industry obviously hasn’t heard of Sid Vicious. Losing pints upon pints of your own blood for the sake of entertainment is quite impressive - snaps to that for Mr. Vicious - but many people seem to forget that he was also the employed bassist of the Sex Pistols. Between Mason jar amounts of smashed glass in his face and an unfounded murder confession, Sid Vicious even played on stage for a few bouts. So maybe he didn’t actually play in all of the studio sessions with the Pistols, and maybe he couldn’t even play the bass better than the runner-up in a high school Battle of the Bands. He didn’t have to, he had a name with “vicious” in it, and that was good enough. As the manliest form of art to date, self-mutilation and watching blood flow freely from your open veins of your own doing is F-A-N-T-A-ST-I-C. Spelling it out translates to stupendous. Looking back, pain must have been nothing compared to the distraction of being the least talented person in a band that was for the most part not that critically acclaimed anyway. The Sex Pistols are an icon unto themselves, and rightfully so, but they were the only punk band who had on their side a man who had absolutely no distinction between his face and a battering ram. Over his extensive two-year career with the Pistols, Sid had notable achievements. Giving your girlfriend a nickname [we can’t print that - ed] that stacked her up against hair clogged drains and expired potato salad takes a feat of male magnetism. With more testosterone than ten raging stallions Sid Vicious reigns as the backhanded com-

pliment to the Pistols. In his memory I think he would advise all men everywhere to inflict upon themselves as much bodily harm as their strungout bodies can take before they finally keel over from a mix of exhaustion and multiple heroine overdoses. Yes, it’s a man’s world and if you want to join the club you had better kill your self-respect, your near immunity to Hepatitis, and the standards you have for “beautiful” women.

Poetry Corner Jake Sauvageau | Poet my class starts at ten today, but it is five after and i am just getting up. i am taking something outside my major, just for the hell of it. I am a senior. i roll into class twenty minutes late, the professor checks her watch and glares at me. some sophomore makes a comment about timeliness, but i do not care. I am a senior. the sun is shining in the sky, the flowers are growing in the soil. the professor is talking about our final, yet, i am not listening. I am a senior. we hand in our assignments after class, the sophomore’s impeccably dressed in binding and plastic. mine is jotted on a bar napkin when i was wasted last night, it’s good enough. I am a senior. i stumble over to the emu for food, and see the freshmen standing in line. they tire of the dorm food, so they wait patiently! i cut up front ‘cause i know a guy. I am a senior. i go back to the house, and have sex with my junior girlfriend. she asks me if i will wait for her until she graduates. i simply laugh. I am a senior. the time is here, i have my cap and gown. the last four years have been good me, and now i will crash on my parent’s couch. I am a senior.

TUESDAY, MAY 28TH, 2009 THE COMIC PRESS XKCD by Randall Munroe

A webcomic of Romance, Sarcasm, Math, and Language <xkcd.com>

Slow Wave by Jesse Reklaw

An ongoing webcomic that incorporates actual dreams <slowwave.com>

Amazing Superpowers by Wes & Troy

Hark! A Vagrant by Kate Beaton Historical Comics! <harkavagrant.com>

Subnormality by Winston Rowntree <viruscomix.com>

Comics

Pictures for Sad Children by John Campbell

“A moment of frivolty in an otherwise hectic day”

It’s about a bad feeling you get when you are feeling good, or a good feeling you get when you are feeling bad. <picturesforsadchildren.com>

Techno Tuesday by Andy Rementer <technotuesday.com>

Dinosaur Comics

- by Ryan North

A comic about talking dinosaurs <qwantz.com>

Left-Handed Toons by Justin & Drew

Left-handed Toons (by right-handed people) <lefthandedtoons.com>

THURSDAY, MAY 28TH, 2009 THE COMIC PRESS

Commemorate the people working towards better visibility of queer issues on our campus! Visit our site and vote for: • Outstanding Student • Outstanding Faculty • And More!

Queer Ally Coalition Award Show When Where Cost

June 1st @ 7pm EMU Fir Room Free!

THURSDAY, MAY 28TH, 2009 THE COMIC PRESS

Senior Twitter Correspondent

Merlin Mann

twitter.com/hotdogsladies

CAMPUS

Student Spotlight Ryan Matthews Average: That means you’re better than 50% of those other assholes.

Multitasking is like driving or cunnilingus; most people assume they’re great at it until they start asking around. The Pope must get frustrated when people read so much symbolism into everything he does. Wait. What now? Tandem recumbent bike. Yes, it exists. Yes, it’s hilarious. And, yes, that 2nd seat gets filled about as often as your Slave Leia fantasy. Writing a post on how I lost 200 lbs. in one day, simply by lying.

Junior Twitter Correspondent

Nick Douglas twitter.com/nick

Greenpeace guy’s new pitch: “Polar bears! You can save ‘em!” I’m already a member dude, but that is adorable. I don’t have a religion, but I have an ever-growing list of things that are against it. Speak softly and carry a big schtick. I just got up to search for my iPhone... interrupting the iPhone game I was playing. I lose. at work and all you want to do when have been one of his idiot friends. I you get home is kick back with a cold think that Neil asshole set my car on beer and a bag of Doritos, and just I don’t know if you’ve ever fire once. watch the game. If you lived with me, lived with somebody who is a In conclusion, my not only would it be impossible to colossal douchebag, but I have and roommate is the biggest kick back and watch the game, as my let me tell you...it sucks. douchebag on the $200, douchebag roommate is undoubtedly Let me explain. I live in planet, and I hope so let’s watching something totally lame like a 2-bed, 2-bath condo with the he eats bleach not pretend Sex in the City reruns or Yet Another worlds’s biggest douchebag. and dies. like he doesn’t Crime Procedural on CBS, but it would “What’s the big deal?” you ask. “It’s have mad doctoralso be impossible to find a cold beer, a 2-bed, 2-bath condo. If you don’t ing skills. as he’s drinking the last one. In addiwant to interact with the guy, you Just because I shit tion, you’d best forget about that bag of don’t have to.” In a perfect world in his toilet, which by the Doritos, because he’s got chip crumbs you are right. However, this is not way, is what its there for, the dude all over your favorite chair. a perfect world. has had it out for me ever since. Ok, There was one time my Let’s say you wake up and I might have accidently ejaculated on pillow case had this weird want to use the bathroom attached his pillow, too. To be fair, it WAS in the stain on it. I’m pretty sure to your bedroom. Its early, so you watch- middle of an earthquake so it’s not like it was him, since he don’t really notice that the door ing The I was trying to. You try not getting it on was the only one is closed and the light is on. You Mentalist or the pillow when the continental plates home all day, open the door, and there’s your Eleventh Hour are colliding. but I can’t be douchebag roommate, messing or, yes, even Sex in Okay, I may have accidently set sure. It up your hoop. “It was closer than the City reruns, I have his car on fire and didn’t tell him about might mine,” he says. Spectacular. In my a right to do so. it. A bunch of us were trying to jump mind, I’ve already started peeing, What’s that? He said I skateboards through a ring of fire, and but now I’ve gotta hold it because shit in his bathroom? Yeah, that Neil had this awesome idea to jump you couldn’t walk the 10 happened ONE TIME, and I have over a car and then through the ring feet down the hall to your Explosive Shitting Syndrome so the 10 of fire, and Brad’s was the only one we bathroom. feet is actually unmanageable thank could find. Don’t tell him I told you Another that though, he’ll seriously kill me. I you very much. My uncle Tommy, example, you say? In conclusion, I’m not nearly don’t know who is a doctor by the way, says ESS Assume for a is fatal in something like 1.5% of as big a douchebag as Brad makes me what the big patients. And he got his degree from moment, out to be, although I find him to be deal is. I totally the finest medical institution in Sierra you’ve had a control-freak who is impossible to paid for that bag of Leone, so its not like he doesn’t know a long live with. Doritos. what he’s talking about. day Oh shit, you know what? I just Those Doritos were I mean, sure, he’s never actually realized I didn’t buy those Doritos. mine to do with as I wish, as I BEEN to Sierra Leone, but it was a Fuck. was the one who initially purchased pretty intensive 6-week corresponthem. If I want to enjoy them while dence course. He said it cost him, like, EDITORIAL | Scott Meyer

EDITORIAL | Brad Foster

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AP WIRE | KYOTO

AP Wire

Chris Zaborowski | International News

Information obtained from a 3-year old boy has helped end a 2 year long manhunt for a suspected serial killer. The boy, known only as “Cub”, alerted authorities that he believed his father to be the fabled “Lone Wolf ”; a killer so deadly he has managed to evade the Shogun’s law enforcement and ninja assassins as his killing spree enveloped the Empire. Police have arrested Ogami Itto in connection with the Lone Wolf killings. Itto had previously gained fame as the former Director of the Imperial Office of Decapitations. He stands accused of decapitating “well over 100 lords,” according to the police statement issued after his arrest. According to a statement released by Itto’s attorney, the decapitations were carried out in his official role as Director of IOD, with the full knowledge and sanction of the Shogun. The statement further alleges that three retainers of the banished Yagyu clan brutally murdered his wife and household, and that any killings after his wife’s brutal murder were part of a quest for revenge. The Yagyu clan could not be reached for comment, and messages sent by carrier pigeons went unanswered. Vengeance killings are permitted by an obscure piece of legislation passed in 1605.

Although it has not been repealed as of yet, recent case law has shown a reluctance of judges to find for the defendant in such cases, often citing the original piece of legislation as “arcane.” At a press conference at the police station, “Cub” confirmed his identity as Daigoro, the son of Ogami Itto, and related the story of how he got caught up in Itto’s alleged quest for vengeance. “When I was little, my father was famous. He was the greatest samurai in the Empire, and he was the Shogun’s decapitator. He cut off the heads of 131 lords...One night, the Shogun sent his ninja spies to our house. They were supposed to kill my father, but they didn’t. That was the night everything changed.” He claims to have been forced by Itto to choose between a ball and a sword. Daigoro claims that to choose the sword meant joining Itto’s quest for revenge, and to choose the ball meant “joining [his] mother in death.” Itto’s trial date has been set for May 3rd. He was denied bail as he awaits his trial on over 150 counts of murder. He faces a minimum of 200 years in prison without parole, although the prosecutor in the case is expected to seek the death penalty.

David Vengel | News Reporter

Ryan is a 5th year senior from Berkeley California. Ryan is taking 12 credits and 1 PE class (billiards) before he plans to graduate at the end of this spring quarter. “I just have to pass this fuckin’ math class” Ryan said laughing. Ryan is a Political science major with a 2.2 GPA. Ryan is extraordinarily average in every category, from dick size to grades. Ryan does get girls - “Average ones” he admits chuckling. “I work with what I got, ya know?” During his free time Ryan likes to smoke pot, smoke pot and watch movies, smoke pot and hang out with friends, and smoke pot and seduce women. “It’s easy: You just have a party, find the girls that smoke and invite them back to your room. If it’s a group of girls then cool, if it’s one girl then even better”. Ryan showed us pictures of some of the girls he has “hooked up with” on Facebook and the staff and I must concur that they were quite average. After college Ryan wants to move back down to California and “chill”. He says that he learned a lot here but he misses that “Cali vibe”. His dad owns a property management company that he admits, reluctantly, he will probably fall back on if none of his “band shit” works out. Ryan explained that ever since high school, everyone in his family, including himself have expected him to eventually take over the family property management business (The Mathews Property Mgmt. Co.). Ryan expresses a lack of excitement in his life. Sure he parties, uses recreational drugs, and gets girls, but there appears to be a lack of mystery and alternative possibilities in his future. Ryan’s college highlights include being a member of the 3 on 3 intramural championship basketball team and that one time freshman year he had a threesome with two kappa pledges at the Lambda house.

CULTURE

We asked Ryan to map out an average Thursday for us: 1. Wake up at 10am 2. Class from 11am to 11:50am 3. Class from 12pm to 1:20 pm 4. Get subway sandwich on way home 5. Watch TV, Play NBA Live, and take bong loads with roommates 6. Go to gym at 4pm 7. Get home and complete workout by wacking off to Jennifer, the kinda quiet girl from high school who appears to be slutting it up at USC on facebook. 8. Take a shower in our shitty and moldy bathroom 9. Put on Oregon Jersey, basketball shorts and sandals 10. BBQ and sit on porch drinking beer listening to Living Legends at 8pm 11. Complete history assignment due the next day between 9:30pm and 11:30 pm 12. Watch Colbert Report, Family guy, and smoke blunt with roommates 13. Jam on my guitar or play “Gears of War 2” on Xbox 360 14. Brush teeth in shitty sink in front of dirty mirror 15. Fall asleep at 1am 16. repeat

Ask A Douche Nick Ramirez | Douche

We at The Comic Press are often asked questions on a great number of topics. We’ve decided to let our resident Freelance Douche, Nick Ramirez, answer a few of them in a segment we like to call “Ask a Douche, with Nick Ramirez” GIRL TROUBLE

Dear Douche, I can’t figure out my girlfriend. She says she wants to go out on dates, but then she just wants to stay in and rent a movie. She says its okay that I hang out with my friends, but then she gets mad because I don’t spend time with her. HELP! Confused in Corvallis Try hitting it, brah. CHEATERS SOMETIMES PROSPER (ALLEDGEDLY)

Douche: I think my boyfriend is cheating on me. He comes home at odd hours, and always smells like sex. How can I be certain? Suspicious in Salem He probably just got a new job as a camera operator for a porn studio. Don’t read too much into it. (don’t worry, Suspicious in Salem’s boyfriend, I got your back. Bros before hos!) OOPS

Dear Douchebag Asshole, You’re such an asshole! I’m pregnant and it’s yours. You told me you didn’t need a condom because you sprayed your dick with Lysol so you were safe from STDs. Then you said that you just chugged a Red Bull and yellow 5 kills sperm. Then you said you’d pull out. Now my life is ruined! Pregnant in Portland You can’t be sure its mine, there were, like, 6 other dudes in that gangbang. I forget to pay one drunk prostitute and this is the thanks I get?

I Saw You... When: Last Thursday at Midnight Where: Outside Your Bathroom Window Our eyes caught as you were undressing. I was to petrified to speak. You screamed and I ran with my hand still down my pants. Wish I would have made my move. Can we meet again?

BE LIKE NICK

Dear Douche, How can I be as big a douche as you? Did it take years of training, or did you just have a lot of natural talent? When you wake up in the morning, is it easy to be a giant tool to everybody, or does it take hard work and dedication? You’re an asshole, Enraged in Eugene Thank you for recognizing my skills. It has been a long road to get where I am, and it’s taken years of hard work, sacrifice and dedication. You can’t just throw a visor on sideways and upside-down with spiky hair coming out the top and be a huge douche. Being a world champion douchebag is more than just a look. It’s a LIFESTYLE, brah. When I’ve had an off-night at the club and it’s last call, sometimes you gotta take home a chubby chick and bang the hell out of her just so you have somebody to sneak out of bed from and not call the next morning. Sometimes you gotta be the one to hide in the closet, secretly videotaping your buddies double-teaming a drunk chick so you have something awesome to put on the internet the next day. You want to be in there doing the double-teaming, but being a massive douche is about being a team player. You can’t just be all about yourself. Sometimes you need to be a little unselfish so you can help your buddies elevate their own doucheosity. Nobody is bigger than the game.

I Saw You...

Looking For...

You: redhead, perky, walking down 5th. Me: Burgeoning pornographer looking for midTelescope, Vaseline, tears. Haven’t seen dle-aged male and female to play the leads you lately, let’s meet up. in directorial debut, ‘17 Kids and Still Mounting,’ based on the hit TLC series.

8 Y

THE COMIC PRESS THURSDAY, MAY 28TH, 2009

SEE YOU NEXT YEAR (WE’LL MISS YOU)

We’re taking a break over the summer, but we’ll be back Fall Term. In the meantime, check out our blog at www.thecomicpress.com. Are you looking for a rewarding job with daily challenges, brilliant coworkers and monetary compensation? Well, the Emerald is always hiring... But if you’d rather spend your time working thanklessly for a no-account upstart humor paper, then we humbly suggest this one. The Comic Press is now accepting applications from anyone for the following positions:

Interns!

Writers!

You’re part of a fast-paced whirlwind of sex, reporting, and drugs best left to Hunter S.Thompson. Just Kidding! You’ll get us coffee, hand out papers, and dress up in a cow suit. It looks good on a resume, we promise.

You really do get to be part of a fast-paced whirlwind of sex, reporting, and drugs. Jokes aside, you’ll get to put your finger on the pulse of the Eugene and Campus communities, gain journalistic experience, kick ass and chew bubble gum.

Interested? Email Publisher@TheComicPress.com!

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