CAMPUS
WORLD
COMMUNITY ENTIRE PANTHEON OF GREEK GODS COMMITS MASS SUICIDE OVER SHAME OF MODERN “GREEKS”
ANOREXIC SORORITY GIRL WHO EVAPORATED INTO FINE DUST IS “STILL KINDA PORKY,” SAY FRIENDS
ARE AFRICAN HONEYBEES IN YOUR BACKYARD RUINING YOUR CREDIT?! PAGE 2, TOP LEFT!
BECAUSE YOU CAN’T SPELL SLAUGHTER WITHOUT LAUGHTER!
Thewww.thecomicpress.com Comic Press
Eugene, Oregon
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Volume 2, Issue 10
Plans for New Student Athlete Center Revealed
IN THIS ISSUE YOU WILL FIND:
AGATE ST. TOTALLY INNOCENT MEETING ROOM THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH SECRETLY GOVERNING THE UNIVERSITY
FRANKLIN ST. KNIGHT FAMILY
ACADEMICS
CHAMPAGNE ROOM AND VIP LOUNGE ORGY
ORGY
A letter from our esteemed Editor! Our review of other campus publications!
The campus starts a text-message warning system!
MEMORIAL
OVERFLOW
FLOOR 2
ES
The Daily Emerald’s sneak peak of its new 2010 format! Transformers 2: One man’s obscene love!
PRE-LUBE ROOM
&
KS
IC
TR
LUBE ROOM
SEXARIUM
HO
Floor plans for the new student athlete center were filed today with the city planning committee, and have already drawn criticism from several local groups. The center is slated to be built on the corner of Franklin and Agate, replacing the historic Giant-Ass Parking Lot, a campus fixture since 1989. While some groups complained about the loss of so many parking spaces, the center also drew fire for its choice to allow only athletes to access some floors. Specifically, the 2nd floor, called The Sexarium in the blueprints, and the 3rd floor, called Secret Organizations, Genetic Engineering, and Dark Magic, are off-limits to students not participating in a varsity sport. “We are not jealous, I want to make that clear,” said obviously jealous non-athlete Jenny Raj. “But I am a member of Students Against Change, and we are committed making sure this monstrosity is aborted in the womb.” Many students agree with Raj’s words, although they are kind of gross and creepy. “Yes,” said one student when asked whether he agreed with the words. The plans include only sparse details on the purpose of many of the rooms on the top two floors. On the second floor, seven rooms are named after the seven deadly sins. Other rooms are labeled Orgy, Champagne, Smoke-Filled, and Orgy Overflow. One athlete attempted for several hours to comment on the new center, but was unable to form any sounds transcriable in Eng-
Free Or Your Money Back!
How to survive a hangover! Reflections on change!
lish.
When a system of grunts and points was eventually worked out, the athlete seemed to be hungry. Thought not widely publicized, the ability to communicate through a spoken language has not been a requirement in the athletic department since 1947.
When questioned about the inclusion of an ‘Academics’ room in the new design, one architect admitted that such a room was never requested by the UO, but “seemed like the right thing to do.”
Comics! And so much more!
Jackson ‘Haegermeister’ Hager Jackson@thecomicpress.com
My Near Brush With Death-by-Sorority There have been many nefarious cults the conversation by telling me for the umpthroughout history – The Templars, The teenth time how long you were in labor with Aryan Brotherhood, Nickelback fans – but me? the most dangerous and widespread group Being the wonderful, tolerant and allof them all has gone unnoticed for too long. around pinnacle-of-humanity type person Widely known as “Sororities,” these groups that I am, I decided to give these girls the suck victims into their cults, where they benefit of the doubt, disregard most the frequently engage in…um…does anyone rumors and stereotypes, and give them a know what they really do? chance to prove themselves. After all, it Being one of those couldn’t be as bad “Where did that girl get her strange females who as all that, right? boots! I NEED boots like that. actually prefers male RIGHT? They would go fabulously with compadres to females, As I read the my green jacket-OHMYGOD I cringe and/or regurgihandbook for pledge IT’S HAPPENING!” tate at the idea of living week, which conin a house full of girls. tained more rules than And these are not just a friggin’ FBI operaany girls. As rumor has it, these are bleach- tion, I tried hard to think positive. Okay, blonde, lipglossed, daddy-bought-it-and- so maybe sororities aren’t as bad as they I-got-it, heel-strutting monsters. Real win- seem. I mean, sure, supposedly they get ners. their loaded parents to buy them mansions Somehow I found myself in a recruit- where they can get, well, loaded. But I ment meeting, whispering prayers to all mean hey, they say they do, like, a LOT of the deities I could remember to protect my community service. My unsuccessful pros humble ass during the ordeal ahead. and cons list only got this far: I was nudged (or more accurately, unBad side: Pay close to $6,000 a year ceremoniously shoved) into rushing at my to sleep in a bunk bed in a room of screechy dear mother’s request. As she put it, sorori- freshmen. ties create good resumés, life-long connecGood side: Falling off the bunkbed tions, and they have their own cooks (ok, so could bring relief in the form of quick and that last one had me interested). Also, she painless death. wanted me to be involved with “more enBad side: Living in what could be easgaging activities than beer bongs.” ily be called a “PMS commune.” Thanks mom. Why don’t you round out Good side: Abundance of Mascara!
Bad side: Not allowed to have alcohol, drugs or boys in the house. Good side: Easy justification for throwing a temper tantrum when asked to do any-
Sorry guys, but it’s nothing like this. thing remotely difficult or “icky.” Clearly, the room full of Estrogen was causing my uterus to attempt to strangle my brain. But it was so easy, so alluring. I felt a strange power sucking me into the vagina vortex, and suddenly the me I always though I was, was gone. My thoughts turned from my escape plan to my clothes. “Ehmygod, I
can’t believe I’m wearing these jeans, they make me totally shapeless. I’m totally under dressed. Ahh!! Where did that girl get her boots! I NEED boots like that. They would go fabulously with my green jacketOHMYGOD IT’S HAPPENING! AHHH, ok focus. Escape route. Just nod and smile when they’re talking. Find a happy place. IMAGINE THE OREGON COMMENTATOR STAFF NAKED.” My desperate gambit to free myself from the sweet oblivion of sorority thinking had worked. The permanent mental scarring it had taken to break free seemed a small price to pay. I had enough. I bolted for the door, and ran a good two miles back to my apartment, not stopping until I locked the door behind me. I thought about writing a list of things I would rather do than join a sorority, but none of the multi-hyphenate loathsome sexual practices I could imagine came close. Instead, I wrote this little story. Cause why join the enemy when you can make fun of them instead? Now that is a happy ending.
Hanna Belair is treasurer for Tau Wutang Enema, The Comic Press’s Greek house.
Honeybees!
Senior Twitter Correspondent
Merlin Mann
No. No they are not.
twitter.com/hotdogsladies Our Mission The Comic Press is published by a couple guys and their friends. We don’t get any money, respect or furtive sexual encounters in the supply closet for doing this, so we are understandably bitter. The Comic Press contains only satire and parody, so if you even think about exhibiting moral outrage or taking legal action, then your parents probably didn’t love you enough. Just to be totally clear, we do not assert that anything in this rag comes anywhere close to the truth, facts, medical advice or even good writing. Before you hate, just remember that a whole mess of white dudes died and/or wrote boring documents so we could have the right to make cruel fun of you and your stupid face.
Cast of Characters Publisher Kai Davis Editor-in-Chief Jackson Hager Copy Editor Sierra Warren Isha Rainbowlight David Sopkin Contributors Josh Clark Carolyn Eide Jordan Eddy Collin Gerber Abby Kuhn Mical Lewis Jake Sauvageau Alayna Shulman Margie McArdle Isha Rainbowlight Aryan Sarparast David Vengel Sierra Warren
Lady: I want...ham DeliGuy: Ok L: What’s not salty? DG: In ham? L: Not salty DG: Honey? L: That’s ham? DG:Yes L: Not salty? DG: It’s *HAM*! A Facebook friend can’t buy you a beer, hold your kid, or help you move. But he’s great at drawing the logo for his funk band on your wall. Golf is the art of expensive walking. Bumper stickers are funnier if you imagine their owner drunk, sobbing, and repeatedly reading them aloud to an apartment full of cats.
Junior Twitter Correspondent
Nick Douglas twitter.com/nick
Worried about my future employer googling me. What if Vice finds my Last.fm account? THE CELTIC MUSIC WAS IRONIC! Smiled back at a pretty girl in the street. She handed me a chiropracter’s flyer. FML My kids are on Twitter! Why didn’t anyone tell me I had kids? Melissa’s decided this restaurant is either “fancy rustic,” “butch baroque,” or “countrypunk.”
Letter from the Editor Why do I do it? A question often asked, but never answered while sober. Until now. What reason compels our merry band to churn out this little paper week after week? Well, I can tell you right now what it’s not. It’s not money. I have never made a dime that we didn’t immediately spend on the paper. It’s not because I have a ton of free time and no life. In fact, several of the staff have things that closely resemble normal lives. Our staff is all students or former students, who ought to be looking for jobs or at the very least getting laid instead of typing crap like this at 7pm on a Satur-
Syndicated Writers Dave’s Secretary at Work Merlin Mann Christian Lander Nick Douglas Comic Artists Kate Beaton John Campbell David Malki ! Randall Munroe Ryan North Jesse Reklaw Andy Rememter Justin & Drew Wes & Troy Our next issue comes out on Thursday, May 7th! Questions? Comments? Concerns? Let Kai, our Publisher, know! email: kai@thecomicpress.com
5 Second Review: Other Campus Publications
day night. And it’s not for the respect. I mean, I’m sure I would enjoy respect if it ever came my way, but there’s really no way to tell until it happens. Which it never does. To be perfectly honest (read: not funny) I do it for the person who comes up to me on the street, issue in hand, an tells me how glad they are that someone is finally not taking shit so seriously, or how they were thinking it and we wrote it, or just congratulating me on my mammoth balls. That’s right, I don’t do this out of some misplaced sense of responsibility to the community. Obviously we don’t have a moral imperative to bring you the news or anything like that. If this paper can make you laugh or, God forbid, think, then I’m happy. And you should tell me you’re happy. Then we can all be happy. And if you feel the need to compliment me on the whole mammoth balls thing, then go right ahead. I won’t stop you.
The ODE is like a mini RegisterGuard but with more sports coverage. Neither of these things are compliments. The Oregon Commentator is in serious need of a copy editor, a designer, and someone who is actually funny. The Oregon Voice is chill. They like music, local happenings and their art is made by stoned monkeys. Ethos used to be KD, which means Korean Ducks. The staff hates it when you remind them of this, and will insist it means nothing. Call it Korean Ducks and watch them squirm. Also, they have lots of money. And babes. The Insurgent might not exist anymore, we’re not sure. We haven’t seen it around lately. Too bad, those guys had some cajones. Much respect to you if you’re out there.
UO Emergency Text Message Alert System a Rousing Success! The UO administration finally got one right with their implementation of a campus-wide Emergency Notification System, UO ALERT! Thanks to UO ALERT!’s state of the art SMS deployment mechanism, Weekly Enema staffers have already received key alerts such as: There’s a party at Troy’s house.
And
Dude, I am totally wasted at Troy’s house.
There has been some confusion about the purpose of the UO ALERT! system. Originally our editors told us is was a bro-rape alert system, but high-level investigative reporting has actually uncovered evidence that it is designed to “protect the University by facilitating the coordination and integration of...” Then we fell asleep. The system will be used for dispatching only the most important SMS alerts. Hold on, one’s coming through now. Dude, Troy is totally out of beer.
Exactly the sort of message you can expect. Exactly.
fig. 1.1: Balls approximation
ege
Musings with Veen
ege
I was drinking with some friends the other night and discussing movies, so the topic naturally turned to the upcoming Transformers 2. Now, my friends aren’t particularly snobby or anything, but they seemed to genuinely doubt my excitement about such a shameless summer explosion-fest, and a sequel at that. One of our group noted that I have always been overly partial to the genre of giant robots, and that
I might be a tad biased. It was also brought to my attention that the film is directed by Michael Bay, who isn’t exactly known for subtext, or even text. “It’s like when you’re gay,” I declared loudly to nobody in particular, gesticulating wildly with a handful of french fries for emphasis. “You come out and your parents get all freaked out and say it’s just a confusing time but you know, deep down, or it could be right at the surface, that you need to have a man inside of you. Doesn’t matter if you’re ashamed or feeling guilty... you just can’t deny that ache.” I was told later that I
was so into my speech that some people suspected I was coming out right then and there. But that’s just how I feel about robots fighting. I know it’s juvenile. I know it’s going to be an awful movie. I just can’t help it. I’m gay for robots fighting. And I want those robots to fight inside of me.
Page 2, Bitches
The Comic Press
Love Doctor Rick: Breakin the Ice Love Doctor Rick knows that Cool Cats and Groovy Gals like to get it on every once and again. With Love Doctor Rick’s Love Column, you’ll know that when you flip that groovy switch to on, it’ll be on. Love Doctor Rick is certified Sexism free because you know what else was an ‘ism’? Nazism. And that ain’t cool. The Love Doctor doesn’t know why this has started happening, but he knows it needs to stop. Too many cool cats seem to think that ‘hanging out’ is somehow the same thing as dating. Unfortunately it isn’t, and the good doctor has to wonder why there has been such a decrease in dating in favor of ‘hanging out as synonym for penetration’. Don’t get the Love Doctor wrong, there isn’t anything wrong with a casual relationship, but the concept of dating has a place in our culture because it teaches young men and women a lot
about themselves. This Love Doctor thinks that there are three important factors at play. 1. Young adults don’t like to commit. This generation is too busy ‘finding’ themselves, working, or partying to actually think about spending time with someone in anything close to the long term. 2. The Internet has retarded this generation’s social skills. While the Internet has made connecting with people easier, it has also made us lazier at establishing meaningful relationships. If you’re over 18 and you’re still using Facebook applications to let someone know you’re interested in them, well, that brings me to my next point. 3. Men are wusses. Seriously guys, grow a pair. Guys today don’t know how to handle rejection. It’s easier to never take anything seriously—and never have to live through failure or rejection—than man up and make a
“Sudoku Only” Version of the Daily Emerald Enjoys Huge Popularity
There’s a new paper on campus, and it “We had to cut a lot, it’s true, but is already more popular than all the other our mission has always been to do whatpublications put together. ever it takes to keep getting printed, and After conducting numerous focus I think we’ve stayed loyal to that,” said groups on how students use their paper, our source. publishers of the The Oregon Daily EmerRumors are flying that a companion ald decided to cut some content that was not publication featuring just the crossword connecting with the student body. puzzle will be released beginning fall “We found that students think the opin- term of next year. ion pieces are trite, the sports unimportant and the news stale and boring,” said a source close to the Emerald. “We have also known for long time that no one reads the classifieds or looks at the ads.” In a move that both cut production costs by over 95% and reflects what students are really using the paper for, the Emerald now consists entirely of two sudoku puzzles on a business cardsized piece of paper. The new version better serves students’ needs.
commitment. Why should guys today date? Dating prepares people for marriage. I’m not advocating that every guy run off and get hitched at a tender, young age, but dating puts people in the mind for marriage. Marriage evokes a family. A family is a responsibility. Responsibility breeds character. Character makes men. If you’re 23, single, and still feel like an adolescent, it’s probably because you still are. So, you’re ready to start dating and stop hanging out. It really is not that hard to get a date. • Asking is easy, it’s just a few simple words. • Not every woman you ask out is going to say yes. Prepare for it, but it isn’t a big deal if she says no. Think
about it, you are no worse off for having asked than having not asked. You didn’t have a date then, you don’t have a date now. Nothing has changed. • This is the University of Oregon, so Just do it, damn it. What are you waiting for? Asking someone out doesn’t need to be difficult, but it is as difficult as you make it. Grab your guts and make the first move with that dude / gal you’re eying. Chances are they won’t even remember you within a month, so why not make that impression. Walk up to them and say “Hey, I think you’re pretty cool. Can we hang out more?” What do you have to lose? Love Dr. Rick would like you to ask someone cool out. Not for him, for you.
Commemorate the people working towards better visibility of queer issues on campus! Log on and vote for: • Outstanding Student • Outstanding Faculty • And More!
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Page 3: Menswear
Welcome to College:
Hangover Cures by Collin Gerber
By Alayna Shulman The class system is alive and well in America. Everybody knows that, even those who try to deny it. Just look at how “we” idolize old-money il-literati like Paris Hilton and the cranially deficient cast of The Hills. There is a pervasive fascination with the wealthy that cannot be vanquished, no matter how many times you crank “Fortunate Son” up to full volume. A recent cultural movement has emerged that’s more insulting to self-respecting aristocrats than an un-monogrammed bath- robe: white trash chic. Sweatpants have become cutting-edge, cheap beer has replaced intricate cocktails for all but the most carb-conscious of drinkers, and shows like Kath & Kim give a glimpse into the seldom-explored nether regions of the socioeconomic body. But what is one to do if caught in the middle of this stratified quandary? Let’s weigh our options using an arbitrary activity to represent each side: Yachting vs. Drinking a Forty of Colt 45 on the porch.
Every good thing comes at a price, even for the most blissful of experiences. The physical pain of birthing your child, the sleep deprivation of a successful final, and the repercussions of an all you can eat Indian lunch buffet, to name a few, are sacrifices we must make to enjoy some of life’s pleasures. The case is no different for that which gives us here at The Comic Press vast inspiration and that is heavy drinking. Below are some treatments that may work for you, and some that may just be for the entertainment of your roommates.
Continuing to Drink It is no secret that alcohol alleviates pains and sorrows throughout our lives and conveniently enough - it has that same effect on the pain that alcohol itself brings us the next morning. If you are lucky enough to wake up after a long night and your drunkenness has not reached the point of a hangover, the best tactic is to keep up the buzz and make sure you never do reach the dreaded point where your temples start to feel a little too tender. But if your luck only goes as far as waking up having not drowned in your vomit, instead of having it simply dried to your face and hair, not to mention the feeling of internal death, then continuing to drink has a dual function in making you feel better not only from a hangover, but to allow you to forgive yourself for the horrendous scenes you may or may not recall creating.
Tripe Soup This Mexican soup dish, made from chili, garlic and stomachs of various animals (usually cow or sheep) is one cure that some people swear by for quickly alleviating a brutal hangover. Granted, those that swear by it are often from regions where this dish is served regularly. If anything, eating stomach soup may allow you to take your mind off how bad you feel from drinking.
Yachting:
Colt 45:
• The feeling of superiority you get from employing a butler named Chester and a maid named Rosalita is like nothing else in the world. • Could teach you a slew of cool new words and idioms to add to your personal vernacular, such as “pip,” “the bee’s knees,” and “the living end,” as well as the appropriate way to abbreviate proper nouns, IE: “Nordy’s,” “Bloomie’s,” and “The Cape.” • An awesome Facebook picture would surely come of it. Just picture yourself holding a fifth of some imported liquor, flanked by sun-kissed blondes in white polos. It works for either sex and isn’t at all ostentatious. • More likely to be surrounded by good-looking people. Hello, romantic prospects!
• Would saying it’s a hell of a lot cheaper be too obvious? Well, too bad – it’s a hell of a lot cheaper. • Better suited for sharing personal anecdotes. Who wants to be stifled by the preppy notion of keeping your personal business private? If you’ve got a shaggy dog story that needs some recognition, save it for the porch and share a couple bottles between friends…or a couple bottles per friend, if that’s more your style. • Less likely to run into P. Diddy. • Less likely to be surrounded by good-looking people. Hello, self-esteem boost!
And that about sums it up, my friends. Whether you end up choosing to go slumming or climb the social ladder, you can’t say you didn’t receive counsel from a wise and reliable source on the matter beforehand. And that’s The End. Excuse me: The Living End.
Greasy Food Pounding a double Western Bacon Cheeseburger and onion rings is awesome at any time; almost as awesome as it was (at the time) pounding all those $2 Patron shots at Starlite Lounge last night. But when Lord Carl’s Jr. has the added bonus of soaking up residual alcohol in your stomach, it’s that much better. Go ahead and stuff those arteries for a clear head and productive day; immediate satisfaction always prevails! Collin Gerber, Man, Myth, Legend, can be reached at Collin@thecomicpress.com
and
Beatin’ Up The Mix
Phenomenauts Collin Gerber For All Mankind, the third full length album from Oakland, CA’s own Phenomenauts, brings the rockin’ retro danceability that exploded onto the New Wave and Rockabilly genres with their first two albums, Rockets and Robots and Re-Entry. The Phenomenauts, known for their themes of space travel and intergalactic adventure, keep that never-tiring motif going in this album, coupling it with their trademark synthesizer and dexterous but gritty guitar work.
<www.harkavagrant.com>
This five piece Bay Area band has made a name for themselves not only in the retro/rockabilly scenes, but also in new wave circles, creating sounds reminiscent of Devo and the B-52’s. This album, while consistent with the music they made for the first two albums, has a stronger focus on the synth work and danceable drum beats, whereas in previous works, their very original rockabilly sound was more present. This album is all original works, minus one very unique cover of a 1983 Polecats song, “Make a Circuit With Me”, clearly showing off the band’s rockabilly roots, talented compositions and creativity. This band is a blast to see live, as people who saw them at the WOW Hall 2 years ago will say, and this album, as well as their others, creates an intoxicating cacophony of sounds, imagery, and good times. Check them out at myspace.com/thephenomenauts or phenomenauts.com.
Edu-Graphic: No have you ever been fleetingly jealous of all the skanky ass frat guys get?
Yes
Oh Shit, it’s Page 4!
come on, you totally have
be ashamed
The Comic Press
step-by-step process that anyone can follow. 1: Look in the mirror. Do you have a goatee? If the answer is “no,” then you are not an evil twin. If you do, then it is possible you may be the evil twin. But there is an easy test you can conduct to make sure: Simply shave the goatee off. Does it grow back within half an hour? Then yes, you are an evil twin. Please discontinue reading this article right now. And yes, this does apply to females: Female evil twins do have goatees, but because female facial hair is considered “taboo” in this country, (Ahh, I do miss Greece!) Female evil twins have to keep it trimmed at all times. Guys, have you ever been on a date with a girl and she keeps going to the bathroom? That’s an evil twin keeping her chin pubes in check. Does she go with other females? She is simply a part of a sleeper cell of evil twins. 2. Once you have identified that you are not the evil twin, you must surround yourself with security. You may have noticed that many movie stars have bodyguards. This is not because they are worried about the paparazzi, but because they are worried about their evil twin. Because once your evil twin kills you, they will assume your identity, and begin making lousy movies and collecting what should be your paycheck. (I am fairly confident that Ben Affleck’s evil twin got to him right after Good Will Hunting.) And perhaps you may have noticed that many of those bodyguards sport goatees? That is because they too are evil twins. But have no fear: Only your evil twin wants to kill you, but you gotta make a living somehow in between. I mean, hey, revenge is a very expensive endeavor. 3. Learn some sort of defense art. Perhaps Brazilian Jujitsu or some of that Muy Thai boxing. Because Karate is just a bunch of showy crap. Get some sort of training that will allow you to take your evil twin down quickly and efficiently, at which point you can break a few bones. Or if you’re lazy and would prefer to drink beer instead, just pack some heat. 4. Watch your Facebook and MySpace
accounts. In our new world of technology, it is much easier for your evil twin to find you. Did you get a friend request from a handsome individual who looks a lot like you, but with a goatee? I know you’re trying to hit that one million-friend mark, but trust me: Hit “Deny.” Better yet, hit the “Spam” button. Remember, if your evil twin kills you, they get your life. And that includes your 900,748 friends, including the 14 you actually know. 4. Your evil twin can come at any time, but it is a proven fact that they prefer to attack in adverse weather conditions. This is disheartening for us in Oregon, as anytime between September and June is an adverse weather condition. Be ready at all times, and always watch your back. If this is too much stress for you, consider moving to Southern California or to Spain off of the Mediterranean coast, where there is only about two and half adverse days a year, and you can easily spend that time with some pretzels and a good Nora Roberts novel. 5. Once your evil twin finally does catch up with you (and believe me, he or she will), your best tactic is a strong
offense. Attack quickly, and attack hard. Remember, while your evil twin has been training his or her whole life, dreaming of killing you every night, and now has the element of surprise, you do have those three martial arts classes you took to get your fuchsia belt. Oh, and that gun, if you bought it. So attack, and attack hard. Who knows? You might win. Maybe. 6. Once you have bested your evil twin (or made friends with it, as the Olsens did) you are free to no longer live in fear. Dispose of the body (or if you really want to freak your friends out, shave off the goatee and make it look like you got in a tragic freak naked Twister accident). Then live your life. So what if you’re asking, “What if I can’t afford bodyguards, fighting lessons, and a gun?” Have no worries. You probably have a shitty life that your evil twin doesn’t want anyway.
American Apparel: A Crushing Tsunami of Generic Sameness
When I finally found the door, I was met with the newest indie pop song, playing simultaneously with my iPhone 3G. I was home. More white, stiff, headless people were strolling around and looking at monochromatic unitards. The cashier, whose septum piercing showed how alternative but also cool but also alternative she was, directed me to the store’s most popular item. One glance at the rack of hoodies and I had to change my Facebook status from “likes green living cuz it’s trendy” to “likes buying things.” After considering a black- and-white striped hoodie (to match my Adidas Sambas that I wear despite the fact that I never play soccer), I decided on a purple one (to match my iPhone 3G that was now playing the newer newest indie pop song). As I left the store, I failed to notice that two of the three cones in my retinas had permanently ceased to function.
But it no longer mattered. The students strolling down the street all looked exactly like me —we were a sea of primary colors, a great Play-dohmosaic, a crushing tsunami of generic sameness. If this isn’t heaven, I don’t know what it is. I’ll tell you what it is: a virus, little American Apparel child, a virus.
How To with Jake Sauvageau This Week:
How to Assassinate Your Evil Twin There is a special someone in the world for every one of us. I’m not talking about a soulmate. I’m not talking about the special someone who finishes your sentences, shaves your back, and lies in bed with you on Sundays doing the crosswor. No, I’m speaking literally about your other half, your doppelganger, your evil twin. If you’re thinking: “How can that be? I’ve never seen this person before!” Then my answer is well of course you haven’t, dummy. Because then you’d be dead. See, it is your evil twin’s mission to destroy you. Upon your birth, it is dictated which twin is evil (determined by goatee, more on that later). Shortly after birth, the evil twin is removed to a facility in northern Siberia to train his or her entire life so that he or she can find you and exact his or her revenge for being the twin that no one wanted. If you have friends that are twins now, it is because they were originally born as triplets. (Only one baby per group is ever evil, and then they have to do twice the work) That, or one of the twins is secretly the evil one, and is just playing the waiting game. By now, I imagine you’re scared, and justifiably so. More deaths happen at the hands of evil twins than the Iraq war, frat house keggers, Disney amusement rides, and Dharma & Greg episode marathons put together. So you should definitely be on your guard. But first, you have to be able to identify your evil twin so that you can take care of them before they take care of you. I have laid this out in an easy
I was hanging in the Starbucks on 13th, sipping a gingerbread latte, counting the pieces of flair on my Facebook account and deleting my super lame Myspace page, when I happened to glance across the street. Blocks of primary color floated before my eyes, eventually sorting themselves onto the barren bodies of white, stiff, headless people. The scene was intensely attractive.
I arose from my chair, snapped shut my orange-and-green candy-striped Apple laptop, flipped to the newest in- die pop song on my iPhone 3G, and headed out. This store looked like the coolest thing since carrying long boards around but not actually riding them and I definitely wasn’t going to miss out. Outside the store, I spent several minutes distinguishing the building from its shadow.
TheComicPress.com
Jake Sauvageau can be reached at Jake@thecomicpress.com. He recently grew a very nice goatee. Oh crap.
Jordan Eddy
Page 5. If you enter the Temple, turn to page 12
Sam Dotters-Katz: ASUO Thunder God Forged in the fiery crucible of student government, this transplant to Oregon fights the good fight eight days a week so you can safely take the late bus to Funky Town. Is Sam bigger than Thor? No, but he just might have a bigger heart. No serious article about Sam can go without mention of his hetero life-mate, partner in crime, vice-President, and super- hero equal Johnny Bill ‘Zeus-The-Rock- Iron-Maiden’ Delashaw III. If Sam is a tornado dressed in slacks and a fleece jacket, Johnny is one stiff drink away from tearing campus down and rebuilding it. By himself. Ladies, your constitutionally appointed student body President is such a suave and arable1 gentleman of fine virtue that when we asked him “What porn star would [he] pick to be trapped on a desert island with,” he didn’t even know the name of any porn stars! Bonus points: He finally settled on Jennifer Aniston2 as most attractive actress. Rock on, Sam. It isn’t enough to know your student body president, to understand his mind I had to become Sam Dotters-Katz. Unfortunately, our pioneering face transplanting technique was vetoed after watching Face/ Off. Nonetheless, Sam agreed to a ground- breaking, far-reaching, heartfelt interview. None of which is republished here. When I sat down with Sam, I knew that while his words were all business, his eyes told a different story. Sitting down with Sam was like something in between an awkward first date and an interview. I had many opportunities to deeply probe his mind with the metaphorical knobbed scepter of journalism, repeatedly thrusting questions at him, probing and pushing and fisting for a nugget of the story that would come to define his time in office. Running on a platform centered around the ‘average student’, this reporter wondered how far Sam was willing to go to prove his commitment to his campaign promises.
“Sam,” I asked, “your campaign was centered around giving back to the ‘average student.’ As a student, what will you give me right now?” “I’ve got a huge...” Sam began to say before this reporter blacked out. Upon revival, it was made clear that the final part of Sam’s sentence was “... box of pencils you can have.” Sam places himself squarely between Obama and Che on the revolutionary scale, since he is slightly better at sports than Obama and much less dead than Che. We even had opportunity to delve into Sam’s musical preference. When we asked Sam if he preferred “smooth contemporary Jazz Fusion or classic Latin jazz fusion or is any music style with ‘fusion’ in it bullshit?” Sam was quick to return fire with clinical assessment that “any style with ‘fusion’ is bullshit.” Well said, Sam. After the interview was over, Sam shook my hand with the tenderness of a saint and the strength of at least two ninja turtles. “Take care,” he said. “I love you,” I whispered.
1
Fertile. Being fit to ‘plow.’ Oh yeah.
While The Comic Press salutes the attractiveness of older women belonging to the genus ending in –ILF, this reporter experienced sudden shrinking of the balls at the mention of 40-year-old Jennifer Aniston in this context. 2
Poetry Corner
By Jake Savugeau
Ode to the Fixed Gear Bike Rider Oh, fixed gear bike rider, There you go. At the same pace as always, No faster, No slower. Oh, fixed gear bike rider, I wish I could understand. Why do you take all the gears off your bike? They are there for a reason. They are there to help you. What do you do when you go up a hill? Or down a hill? Or when navigating difficult terrain? Oh, fixed gear bike rider, How can you remain in such a fixed state? Even Lance Armstrong used multiple gears. Do you believe that you are better than he? (Minus the missing testicle, of course.) Oh, fixed gear bike rider, There you go. With your skinny jeans rolled up on the right side, And your ironic vintage tee, And your tattoos, And your lip ring, And your gauged ears. My, but you are such an original! Just like everyone else! Oh, fixed gear bike rider, Do you ride for style, Or do you ride for irony?
T
Need another one? The hopeful in possession of this loaded question is desperately trying to get in your pants with the added twist of miserably knowzing that drinking alone is just plain sad. Either way you have three choices: “No.” “Yes, but not from you.” Or, “Gin.” Order the gin and then turn your back. The prize was offered and won, why stick around? It’s worth it trust me, even the forced glare you ignore and the envy felt by the loser you turned down cannot compare to the melting feeling of a sweet gin as it slides down your throat. Slipping out of the bar without being violated in more ways than one is another task, but that can wait. Gin has forever been a go-to in the way of emulating class without actually retaining such a quality. Burnt butts of snuffed cigars and lipstick rings on business collars come to mind when Gin is involved. Ordering one means business and while the respect that comes with a refined taste is essentially uplifting, the heroic aspect of Gin lies in the eye of the beholder. Swirling it is an over share and swilling is out the question. While nursing seems to be popular, the true way (the unsung way), is to pound the lowball and order another. Doing so is grandiose
enough while still responsibly avoiding the topic of allegiance. The best thing about Gin is that there is no risk of an embarrassingly silly name to maneuver around when you need its effects the most. After all, it’s a known rule that no Fuzzy Navels or Bahama Blow Jobs should be consumed until personal experiences of their alltoo-real consequences have occurred at some point in your life. So when it comes down to it Gin is a standard. Gin is the reason for millions of Americans to get up in the morning and forgo A.A. It acts as the safety net for our misfortunes and the scapegoat for any complete screw-ups we may make while indulging in it. So order one and toast your next mistake because with Gin on your side in no way will you need to remember it later.
Page 6, not that you asked
Abby can be reached at
abby@thecomicpress.com
The Comic Press
Reflections on Change...
SLOW WAVE by Jesse Reklaw <www.slowwave.com>
Josh Clark
I was ready for change. So ready. I mean, most of the time, life sucks. I have to get up at an ungodly hour and go to school or work, where I am forced to undertake pointless and frustrating tasks that slowly chip away at the rapidly decreasing minutes of my life. I don’t ever have enough money, which means I eat like I’m on war rations and I can’t afford to go out, and staying at home is no Swiss picnic either, due to the fact that I don’t have any cool shit (plus my place is a craphole). I don’t really get laid as much as I feel I should, either. And yet, when I watched Obama give his historic inaugural address, waiting exuberantly for a window into the glorious future, I heard no promises of the change I seek. Instead, there was talk of “worn-out dogmas” and “the future” and a bunch of other glittering generality bullshit. I then realized that I had been fooled. Things aren’t going to change as much as I thought were. Son of a bitch. He didn’t have to keep saying change! “Change this, change that, change a change change change,” it was
every other word out of his mouth! (The other half was comprised of “yes we can” and “hope”). I was envisioning a total societal overhaul. I want this country to be flipped upside down and inside out, wondering what the hell happened last night ‘cause it got fucked up on change so bad. But no, Obama had to make his change all about doing stuff and making things. I don’t have time for that! I’m a busy man! I have my own things to do and stuff to make, and I’m not planning on cutting into my “me time” to help him. He got himself into this mess. Well, I’m pissed. First of all, I see no change. Second, we FINALLY elected a black president, but he’s taking the reigns as the train’s derailing into an atomic bomb factory. Or something. And of course the white guy who got us into this just abandoned ship. Good luck, Mr. President. You’ll need it. Read more from Josh Clark on The Comic Press’s website: http://www.thecomicpress.com/author/josh
An Epic Bathroom Review
By David Vengal ever need a pick-me-up, stop in for a piss (wouldn’t recommend anything else) and say what’s up to yourself in the mirror. You’ll be glad you did.
EMU: The EMU is full of shitty bathrooms. Without a doubt your best bet are the two private unisex bathrooms directly across from Panda Express. These bathrooms are not well insulated and are usually very cold, but they are private. Unfortunately, they are always occupied. I personally use the bathroom on the level below the fishbowl, directly across from the computer lab. This is a men’s room and it actually sucks according to my standards, but it is worth it and I will explain. The lights are dim and I feel that I look extremely handsome in this mirror. It gives me a tremendous confidence boost. If you
Deady Hall: Finding a bathroom in Deady Hall is hard, period. But, with a long search and a discussion section that happened to be on the 5th floor of Deady, I have found a gold mine. This bathroom is at the end of the west side of the 5th floor hall. At first glance, this men’s room doesn’t seem like much, an old sink, urinal, and a very small stall. Walk into the very small stall and squeeze yourself between the door and toilet, pull down your pants, and sit. This is when it gets good. Directly in front of you, literally inches in front of your face, is a large window usually with no screen at perfect eye level of your seated position. It is a glorious view of nature. As you sit and do your business, you see the tops of giant pine trees and birds flying by. It is as though you are in one of the giant pines, and even though you are on campus in a developed city like Eugene, from this high up you could
imagine yourself in the center of an organic forest. It is a reminder of our humble beginnings and where we come from. The open window allows a cool, fresh breeze and it is almost like a private bathroom because no one is ever in there. On the left side of the stall wall, anonymous has written, “I smoke so many drugs in this spot.” I am sure you do anonymous, I am sure you do. It is, after all, a perfect spot with the open window directly in front of your face. There are plenty of more bathrooms to be reviewed and I hope this has been helpful. I you would like to know the best bathroom near you, drop me an email with a cross-street and building and I will get back to you with the best bathroom in the vicinity. “Show me a man who pisses all over a toilet seat and I’ll show you a man who does not deserve to be loved” -me
David Vengal can be reached at DavidV@thecomicpress.com
NEWS SPORTS COMEDY
WITH
I am a bathroom connoisseur. I know a good bathroom when I see one. To be perfectly honest, I feel I don’t need people in my life, I just need bathrooms. Ever since I was a small child, I have had a fantasy of somehow being locked in a bathroom and completely shut out from the outside world. Whether I am locked in on purpose or against my will I am not sure. In this bathroom scenario, there would be a tiny slit at the bottom of the door for food and minimal social interaction. I would have a clean bath, shower, toilet, all the necessary toiletries for hygiene, and of course all the water I would ever need. There would be room for me to do push-ups and sit-ups to stay fit and I would have eternal privacy. I have decided that if this situation were to ever occur, I would be content. There is nothing worse than a noisy, smelly, uncomfortable, and dirty bathroom. These can be avoided, and given my curious infatuation with bathrooms and my journey in life to find the perfect one, I give you my top 3 campus bathrooms in no particular order. Knight Library: The Knight library is full of clean and private bathrooms, especially the higher up you go. However, my favorite bathroom is not on the 4th floor, or even the third floor, it’s on the first floor. Enter the Library through the normal right side entrance on the west side of the building. Proceed towards the library administration offices to your right. Just before entering the administration office, take a sharp left down a short hall way. You will see a room number 113B and a small bathroom sign, enter and enjoy. It is a private 11ft by 11ft unisex bathroom. It is always very clean and unoccupied. It’s complete with a toilet, mirror, sink, both blow drier and paper hand towels, and hell, if you feel like standing, there is even a urinal. Best of all, there is plenty of quiet to just sit and think.
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LEFT HANDED TOONS by Justin & Drew <lefthandedtoons.com>
TECHNO TUESDAY by Andy Rememter <www.technotuesday.com>
DINO COMICS by Ryan North <www.qwantz.com>
“way too sweet” in the sugary sense, not “way too sweet” in the “whoah wicked awesome extreme!!” sense?
XKCD by Randall Munroe <www.xkcd.com>
Reduce
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Try not picking up the Daily Emerald for a few days. Admit it, you just read it for 15 minutes in class, do the puzzles then leave it on the chair and the next person who sees it is all like, “lame, someone did all the puzzles!
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Edu-Graphic: how much i believe that big women need lovin’ too
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completely
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