From the Inside Out
A window into the experiences and misconceptions of growing up adopted
Katie Ehrlich
Foreword People are usually shocked to learn I’m adopted. As the blue-eyed, fair-haired child of equally fair parents, it’s easy to assume that I am their offspring. The initial shock is usually followed by a flurry of questions and misconceptions. The lack of knowledge people have about the subject often takes me by surprise. And it’s no wonder, since most of the books and articles on adoption are targeted toward future adoptive parents or are dense texts addressing the politics and economics of the issue. With little representation in the media, the average person doesn’t have a great deal of exposure to that world. My intention in composing this book was to highlight three distinct adoption experiences—including my own—to help people who weren’t adopted understand the lives of those who were, and to hopefully expose some of the myths and stereotypes that come with that. At the same time, I personally was curious to examine the backgrounds and perspectives of fellow adoptees and compare them with my own. I conducted interviews with two of my adopted friends and recruited someone to interview me. I then photographed each person in their own homes. The three of us have a lot in common: we were all born in the same week, were adopted during infancy, and were raised in the United States. But we also have many differences that make our experiences distinct. Molly, a friend from college, came to America after being adopted from a Chinese orphanage by her Caucasian mother. Jenny, my best friend since I was a week old, was born in Los Angeles but also is a different ethnicity than her parents. I too was born in Los Angeles but share my parents’ race, so my being adopted isn’t obvious from just meeting my family. Despite comparable upbringings, we all have had unique adoption experiences that have helped define our identities and shaped the way others perceive us.
Meet Molly Birthday July 12, 1996
Born in Chengdu, China
Race Chinese
Adoption date May, 1997
Grew up in Boston, MA
Parent’s race White
Foreword
7
Meet Jenny Birthday July 14, 1996
Born in Los Angeles, CA
Race Unknown
Adoption date July 15, 1996
Grew up in Los Angeles, CA
Parents’ race White
Foreword
9
Meet Katie
(that’s me)
Birthday July 8, 1996
Born in Los Angeles, CA
Race White
Adoption date July 8, 1996
Grew up in Los Angeles, CA
Parents’ race White
Foreword
11
Inward How does being adopted affect how someone defines themself? How is the topic viewed within an adoptee’s family? In several ways the adopted childhood experience is just like anyone else’s, but it can bring unique perspectives to family, friends, and identity.
Molly My mom says that I used Me: So what age were you when you were adopted and from where?
Molly: I think I was about ten months. From Chengdu, China.
to say that she was beige and I was peach.
When did you know you were adopted? How did your mom tell you?
I don’t really know if there was a set moment, just because it was always—my mom always told me she never wanted to hide it. I don’t have any memories where I thought I was not adopted or anything. It was just so ingrained in my life that it was something I always knew, and I didn’t think much of it. My mom says that I used to say that she was beige and I was peach. So you guys are pretty comfortable talking about it?
Yeah. Yeah, I mean every year we meet up with the families I was adopted with, ’cause it happened in a big group. I think there are like maybe anywhere from 12 to 15 families. It was almost like a road trip across China picking up babies. So I see them every year.
That’s really cool. Can you talk more about that process that your mom went through to adopt you and find that group?
14
•
Molly
Right Molly and her mom in front of the courthouse to finalize her adoption.
Inward
• 15
One-Child Policy In 1979, China created a law that made it illegal for most couples to have more than one child in order to curb their overpopulation problem. This created a serious
Yeah. I know for a while my mom—she put off getting a kid for a bit because she had other things like her career, taking care of her parents and stuff. So she adopted me a little later in life. I think she was in her 40s—I think early, yeah early 40s at that point. And she never wanted to get married and she was like, “Yeah I want a kid.” Chinese adoption at that point was really popular, and it seemed like the best option to her so she applied for it. And now single moms can’t adopt kids so—
abandonment issue. Couples who accidentally had a second child or who had a girl (which is culturally less preferable) often abandoned
They can adopt kids or they can’t?
They can’t anymore.
babies at orphanages. Now the policy has been extended to allow for two children instead.
Chinese Adoption Today While the One-Child Policy caused orphanages to overflow with baby girls, the updated Two-Child Policy has improved those numbers today. American families can still adopt from China, but there are tighter
Oh, from China? Why is that?
There is such competition to get kids because there are a lot of families who want to get kids from China and they thought, “Oh well why not have two parents instead?” Oh wow, that’s so interesting. I didn’t know that. I think now, because adoptions were so successful, I don’t think you can, as a foreigner, adopt a child from China right now.
restrictions and the vast majority of the children available to foreign adopters are now special needs.
Can you speak more about that history a little bit, about why it was so popular for Americans to adopt children from China at the time you were born?
Honestly, I’m not really sure. I think this must have been around the time—I mean China has a whole law where you can’t have more than two children because of overpopulation. So my mom tells me that I was found outside a library with my umbilical cord still attached to some extent. So I was given up pretty quickly. I’m not sure if that law had just been set in place and that’s why adoptions had become so popular or what the reasoning behind it was. I know Oprah did a good special on it.
Left Molly and her mom had their portrait taken when Molly was one year old, only a few months after she was adopted.
Have you been back to China since you were adopted? What is your relationship with that culture?
I have not been to China. I’d like to at some point, but it’s a cost issue right now. Just getting airfare is so expensive and then also I
Inward
• 17
don’t know Chinese. That would be a little tricky to navigate. I know some people in my adoption group had gone together, visiting the old orphanage and everything and learning more of their traditions. But it hasn’t—I don’t know—I’ve never had that desire to find my birth mom or anything like that. They’re not important to my life now, and I mean they didn’t raise me in any way. I have no connections. I don’t know—I was just given up and if they couldn’t take care of me then that’s kind of it. But it would be nice to see Chengdu, see the pandas, see where my mom came and got me. My mom took me to Chinese culture classes growing up because she wanted that to be an important part of my life. I think I started going when I was about four or something. I went through a few different programs up until I was twelve or thirteen I think. Sometimes it would be like teaching calligraphy, seeing the Lunar New Year show, learning some language stuff, watching a lot of Sagwa. What is Sagwa?
It was a PBS show about these cats from China, and they grew up in a little palace. That’s so cute!
Yeah. I loved that show! I have a little stuffed Sagwa doll somewhere. But even growing up I thought, I didn’t really appreciate anything about my culture. I was like, “Oh, this is such a pain! I have to give up my Sunday and go learn Chinese.” Languages have never come easy to me. It wasn’t—I don’t know—I did not actually learn that much.
So then, in terms of Chinese culture, you don’t necessarily feel that connected to it or have that much desire to be?
I’m definitely interested in it, but I mean, like in high school I had the option to take Chinese. My mom kept pushing me to do it, but I just didn’t want to. I was interested in Japanese culture and stuff like that, so I wanted to take Japanese to my mother’s dismay. It’s interesting that it seems like she was pushing you more towards that than you necessarily wanted to.
Yeah. For me, I acknowledge being born in China and that ethnically and racially I am a Chinese American person, but I identify a lot with
18
•
Molly
Sagwa, The Chinese Siamese Cat Sagwa is an animated television series based on a novel of the same name by Amy Tan, who is known for her writings about the Chinese American experience. It is set in China during the Qing Dynasty and focuses on the theme of family. It ran from 2001-2002.
My mom always told me she never wanted to hide it. It was just so ingrained in my life that it was something I always knew, and I didn’t think much of it.
Inward
• 19
the American side. I was raised with that sort of culture. I had Chinese friends growing up and they had Chinese parents. It’s such a different culture and something I can’t relate to, so I don’t pretend to either. So I acknowledge where I come from but it’s not who I am necessarily. And do the other people in your adoption group have similar feelings about that?
I think so. I think we’ve all sort of been through different Chinese programs because our parents want us to feel in touch with that. Which is definitely much appreciated, but we’re all very American. Are you close friends with a lot of those people?
Yeah! So even if we don’t talk all the time, every year when we see each other it’s like no time has passed. We used to meet up in Cape Cod every year. Some people would rent out this really big house thing and there’d be like eight families staying there. We’d always have a sleep over on Saturday night. We’d all cuddle up really close. As we got older, it became less about playing make-believe games and now more like, “Never Have I Ever” and stuff like that. The way we’ve hung out has changed over the years. We used to have scheduled activities of scavenger hunts and things across the resort. Now it’s kind of like, you can go to the mall or something.
That’s funny. Did you have any background information about your biological parents or—
Nah, nothing. I think there is a letter dropped off with me, but it didn’t say much because you’d get arrested in China if you were found abandoning a child.
Can you speak more to having an older parent? Because a lot of adopted people I know, including myself, have older parents.
There are times I was definitely jealous of some of my friends who had younger parents. Parents who would take them to amusement parks or go on roller coaster rides. My mom she—the older she gets— she’s a slow walker and she can’t always keep up. She doesn’t like that high energy amusement kind of stuff. I feel like in some ways I missed out on some of those childhood experiences. I always wanted to be
20
•
Molly
Abandonment Laws In China, families must have a birth permit to have a child. Under the One-Child Policy, after their first kid, most mothers were required to have an IUD implanted to prevent further pregnancies. Many were also forced to undergo sterilization surgery. Families discovered with a second child or abandoning a child would be fined, forcibly sterilized, and/or denied government services including education and health care.
There are times I was definitely jealous of some of my friends who had younger parents. Parents who would take them to amusement parks or go on roller coaster rides.
carried on someone’s shoulders, and my mom can’t do that. So I mean it was nice to have other parents who would do that for me, but there are times I’d want to do things I just couldn’t. Especially not having a sibling or anyone else to do it with. I always wanted to go on a cruise but then I thought I’d get so bored because my mom would just want to sit by the pool and then I’m just going to go in the game room by myself. So some things almost felt off limits in a sense by growing up in a single, older parent household.
Could you also speak more to just a single parent household in general and how that experience was?
For a while when I was young, I was watching a lot of TV. I was hopeful that maybe my mom would start dating. Maybe I’d have a dad who would want to go to those amusement park rides with me. But then I realized that’s not all my mom wants, and I was like, “Oh ok, cool.” Even as I got older things became a little more tricky. My mom would have to work or do things. There would only be one car and I couldn’t drive, so I’d rely on her for kind of everything. I could see how it was really stressing my mom out. Even times when she was working at home, the home office is also the den, so I’d go and bug her without realizing that work-life separation. I mean my mom can’t do everything. She is older so she needs to rest. I’m often in that “Go! Go! Go!” stage but for my mom it’s not having a break. It’s me and I’m just going a million miles a minute and her just needing to take her time.
Going back to that idea of what blood relation is and how family is so emphasized in our society, what are your thoughts on that? How do you treat that idea of blood relation?
For me family isn’t a huge part of my life in that I have my mom, and our cat was our immediate family. But when it came to other family members—like I haven’t seen my cousins in about 11 years at this point. I saw my Auntie Flow before she passed. She’s not even my real auntie, she’s like my mom’s fake aunt—like my mom’s mom’s best friend. I have so much family like that.
And so family has never really been important to me. I mean, ideally, I’d like to call upon people and have that resource. People always sell Girl Scout cookies to their family members. When I was a Girl Scout
Inward
• 21
I was like, “Well shit, I don’t have anyone to sell to! How am I going to get that balloon hat or whatever it is?” But I’ve been thinking about it more. How my mom isn’t as attached to them. Our family is tough to keep in contact with sometimes. We kind of scattered. But I’ve been thinking like yeah if I get married, I’m not going to have many family members to invite if any really. It’s going to be mostly friends, which for me is fine, but it’s something I wish I had more of.
But in a way does that make your friends more like family to you?
I think it does yeah. I have other sorts of families and I treat them as family. If I have a problem I’ll go to them, they’ll support me, we’ll cook each other food and, other family type things. And actually, in my family there are a lot of people who are adopted. Oh really? Can you talk about that?
Granted, I don’t know how common adoption is in other families but my cousin Eddie is adopted—or he’s my second cousin I think. He’s adopted from Colombia. No, he’s my first cousin. My second cousin Adriana is adopted from Peru… no, Portugal. I’m not sure. She’s from South America. She also has severe autism, and I know there was pushback from my Godfather at first because he wanted a kid of his own. I mean they have two sons, but he was uneasy about having someone who didn’t look like him in the family. And then my mom’s cousin Sandy was adopted. But adopted as in Sandy was family but more distantly related. Then she was adopted by someone closer to her because her mom couldn’t take care of her. But Sandy didn’t find out she was adopted till she was 16, I think. She was so heartbroken when she found out. She almost felt lied to, in a sense. Because I mean they were still family but not the way that she had perceived her whole living situation. So I think that’s part of what prompted my mom like, “Yeah I have to tell her immediately.”
Top Molly and her mom meeting in Chengdu for the first time.
Yeah. I mean personally I can never understand why someone would keep that secret.
Why would you hide it?
22
•
Molly
Bottom Molly (right) with other babies from her adoption group in China.
Inward
• 23
For me, I acknowledge being born in China and that ethnically and racially I am a Chinese American person, but I identify a lot with the American side. I was raised with that sort of
24 • Molly
culture. I had Chinese friends growing up and they had Chinese parents. It’s such a different culture and something I can’t relate to so I don’t pretend to either.
Inward
• 25
Yeah. I mean it creates a negativity about it, right?
Right, like it’s something to be ashamed of.
“Gotcha Day” “Gotcha Day” is a phrase that refers to the day a child was adopted.
Did your mom ever have books growing up that she gave you?
Yeah. I feel like every year my mom tries to give me a book on China. Maybe not every year but like every other year. Just like general Chinese culture or…
Sometimes they’re about specifically adoption, sometimes it’s like children’s books by a Chinese author, or about culture in China. In one of my programs there was this author who would come sometimes. Oh my God, what’s her name? I can find you the name, but she was like a children’s book author. She wrote Chinese stories and illustrated them. Grace—Grace… Liu? Grace… I don’t know. But I have a lot of those books and one of them signed. We even have a little ornament from her. We even have an adoption ornament. What’s that?
So the group that my mom adopted me through—they had like a Y2K ornament kind of thing that’s like, “Yay adoption!” It’s really ugly and glittery and has a bad stick figure drawing on it. But every year at Christmas my mom brings it out and it’s on its own special stand. That’s so funny. I… do not have an adoption ornament.
It’s like a fake postcard on one side and has like the lines with a fake stamp on it.
Do you guys celebrate—what is it called?
Chinese New Year? No haha! My friend who’s adopted from China celebrates—
Oh the “Gotcha Day?” The “Gotcha Day” yeah!
26
•
Molly
Many families celebrate it every year much like a birthday.
I didn’t know that was a concept for a while. I only heard about that as a thing recently because I’m in—oh yeah, I was in China Care— Is that a class?
It was a community service program. I was on the Mentorship Committee where I was the mentor to a young, adopted Chinese girl from St. Louis. Maybe I should’ve mentioned that earlier. I also taught for a little bit in the programs I was in as a kid when I was in high school. I was really bad at it because all of the other kids were International Asian students who could speak Chinese and be like, “Okay let’s play dress up!”
Molly eating snacks on the plane ride home to Boston from China.
Can you talk about China care? Can you talk about what that is and your involvement in it?
I feel like I should know their mission statement better, but essentially what I believe what they do is they raise money and give that money to children in need in orphanages in China. They do the mission trip—at least the WashU community one does—and they’ll raise money for a certain child’s surgery that they need, helping give them a better chance at life, at getting adopted, and getting out of that whole orphanage system. So on the mentorship committee I would have weekly or biweekly play dates with my little sister. Her name is Maya. She was—when we started I believe she was ten, and this was freshman year of college. We actually didn’t talk that much about adoption and culture. I tried to bring it up sometimes, but she’d be like, “No let’s go bake cookies!” She was adopted from China?
Yeah. I met her mom and everything. Her mom is also a single White mother, so we had a lot in common to talk about. That’s really cool I hadn’t heard of that.
Oh yeah, but “Gotcha Day,” that’s where I was going! I forgot for a while what the day was. I knew in the back of my head, but it wasn’t until my mom kept reminding me that it’s Cinco de Mayo. I’d always be like, “Happy Cinco de Mayo, Mom!” and she’d be like, “There’s something more important today…” and I’d be like, “Oh… right.”
Inward
• 27
So you never really celebrated Gotcha Day, but it’s something that you knew about?
Yeah. I came to America in June of ’97. Yes, that also messed me up for a bit. I wasn’t sure when my birthday was. Because I thought like, “Oh July 12th is the day my mom got me, that’s my official birthday.” Then I was very wrong about that. There was a year I thought I was a year older than I actually was. Oh, because you thought your birthday was the day your mom got you instead of the day you were actually born?
Yeah, so I thought I was ten months old in ’96. And then my mom cleared that up, and I was like, “Wow, I’m stupid.” Oh that’s so interesting. But that is your actual birthday, right?
Yeah, July 12th, 1996. Well they estimate a couple days or so. They think by the state of my umbilical cord that I was born July 12th when they found me.
You were mentioning that biology doesn’t play a big role in your sense of identity. Can you talk more about what does play a role in your sense of identity?
Yeah, I mean there’s the whole nature-nurture argument where— I mean scientists basically agree at this point that it’s a combination of both. I owe a lot of who I am to how my mom raised me and my own experiences and how I forged my own path, so I’m not going to dwell on something I can’t control and don’t know much about. I remember when we learned about nature versus nurture in science class and the teacher was like “We don’t really know if nurture has anything to do with how similar you are to someone,” and I remember raising my hand like, “Well I’m adopted and I’m very similar to my parents.”
Yeah yeah! I remember raising my hand for something similar too.
28
•
Molly
I think it just kind of takes time to figure out what adoption means to you. I guess it’s not a make or break kind of thing as to who I am. I just don’t always need to shout it to the world because it’s so normalized for me.
Inward
• 29
Above Molly’s adoption announcement featuring a segment from a poem by Julia H. Robbins.
30
•
Molly
Above Molly’s birth certificate from China.
Inward
• 31
Do you think you’re very similar to your mom?
Certain things, like I’m glad I was raised as a liberal. My mom says I’m more liberal than her at this point. She took me to a lot of museums and things growing up in different cultural institutions. Which a lot of my friends who had parents who immigrated from other countries— they didn’t know about all the institutions available. They didn’t really leave their small—like a lot of my Cambodian friends, they had a little community where they had all kind of grew up together. All the families knew each other, but they wouldn’t go into Boston so much. Not all of them knew how to speak English, so they couldn’t drive or navigate so I felt really fortunate that my mom would take me on these excursions that my classmates didn’t have. What part of Boston did you live in that had such a high Cambodian population?
It’s just north of Boston. It’s called Revere. It’s very working class. In East Revere there’s like a big divide, East and West. West is all White, Italian, and Irish people. East is kind of the more immigrant community. There’s a street called Shirley Ave where a lot of the businesses are international things. They have signs written in multiple languages.
Anything else you would like people to know or understand about you or adoption?
I think it just took a lot of time and recognition for me to figure out what adoption meant to me and who I am. It’s not as important or it’s not such—I mean its defining in that I am where I am now because my mom took me in. I think sometimes about like, what if I was raised in China? Would I have the same opportunities? Would I have made it this far? I mean not like dying or anything but like, would I have been as successful as I am now? I think it just kind of takes time to figure out what adoption means to you. I guess it’s not a make or break kind of thing as to who I am. It’s definitely an important part and it’s not something that—and I like to celebrate it I just don’t always need to shout it to the world because it’s so normalized for me.
32
•
Molly
Right Molly and her mom in Chengdu, China soon after they first met.
Inward
• 33
34
•
Molly
Above
Molly’s entire adoption group on their last night in China.
Inward
• 35
Jenny Me: What age were you when you were adopted and from where? Jenny: So I was born on July 14th, 1996. I went home with my parents on the 16th. So I believe my parents got the call that I was available on the 15th. That’s the day that they went to the hospital, saw me, and got all the paperwork done and then they could take me home on the 16th. I was two days old.
When did you know that you were adopted and how did your parents tell you? As far as I remember, I’ve always known that I was adopted. My parents never had a first formal sit down meeting with me saying, “This is how you were born. This is how we got you.” But the first time that ever came up where I was old enough for it to actually mean anything I was out, I think lunch or dinner or something, out eating with my mom. My dad wasn’t there. And there was a pregnant woman sitting at a table by us, and I was like, “Oh Mom, is that what I looked like when I was in your stomach?” She was like, “Well no, somebody else carried you for your dad and I.” And that was the first time it kind of registered that I hadn’t been in her stomach. I asked my mom, because over winter break I was trying to think about this, and I asked her, “How did you tell my dad I asked that?” “Well obviously she’s coming to terms or starting to be able to actually be cognizant of the
36
•
Jenny
Right Jenny and her parents with the judge that finalized her adoption.
Inward
• 37
fact that babies come from someplace.” I think I was about three when that happened. Since then it’s always just been informal sit downs, but they’ve never held anything back and it’s always been open. So you guys are pretty comfortable talking about it? Very comfortable. Do you remember reacting to that situation or is it just an, “Oh I understand this now.” So I kind of remember that situation in pieces from my own personal memory. I think a lot of it has been filled in over the years just by what my mom told me about what happened. But as far as I know I was like, “Oh ok, that’s cool!” and I didn’t really have any particular emotional reaction. It was just: that’s what happened, there’s no changing it, so it’s fine. I never really had any strong emotional reactions to the fact that I was adopted because it’s always just been the norm for me.
Could you explain the process that your parents went through to adopt you? So as far as I know my parents were part of an adoption agency, but I don’t know the details of what was going on with that because as far as I know my mom had a friend whose sister was a social worker and one of like—I don’t know—one of the hospitals that was part of her caseload was the San Pedro Hospital. So she knew that my parents were looking for a baby. My situation was kind of like a rushed one because when she came, my birth mother, went into the hospital, she knew she wanted to give me up for adoption but she hadn’t registered with any agency. The social worker got involved and she was like “Oh, I know someone who might want this baby!” So she contacted her sister who contacted my mom, who was at work at the time. She called my dad and they both rushed to the hospital and that’s how my process was initiated. It wasn’t anything that they knew about beforehand. They woke up in the morning and two days later they had a baby that they didn’t know they were going to have. But I do believe that they had been part of the adoption process earlier and that nothing had worked out up to that point. And it was a closed adoption. I know that. I know some details about my birth mother, but
38
•
Jenny
Adoption Social Workers Adoption Social Workers serve as liaisons between the birth family and the adoptive family. They do a lot of background research to facilitate the best matches.
My freshman year in college I got curious one night and I actually found her on Facebook… I would never have identified her in a line up. “Who was your birth mother?” I wouldn’t have ever chosen her.
Inward
• 39
it wasn’t an open adoption, so I don’t know all that much other
than what my parents have told me. And I think they told me pretty much everything they know.
Open Adoption In an open adoption, which is especially common nowadays, the
Have you ever been curious to meet your biological parents? Would you ever want to? It’s always been in the back of my mind as something that I’m not really sure about how to answer. I think if I were to be interested in meeting them personally, I would want to have my own life established and be comfortable supporting myself because I want to do everything in my power to solidify all the effort that I’ve put into getting where I want to be and making my goals come true. So I would want to be an adult definitely. I think the thing I’m most curious about is my ethnicity. Just because I don’t look like my parents, so it’s always a question when I am talking to people that are like, “Oh so what are you?” and I’m like well, I know I am half Spanish because as far as we know my birth mother’s father came from Spain. We believe that she is full Spanish, so I am assuming I am half Spanish. But then the only information we got about my birth father was that he was a “dark American.” Those are her words. Named Tony. So is Tony Italian? Possibly. I don’t want to stereotype, I don’t know. But I would be just really curious to see what that other half is. I know I have some half siblings to my knowledge. I don’t know actually if I’ve ever talked to you about this, but I think I mentioned it to you, my freshman year in college I got curious one night, and I actually found her on Facebook. You did tell me about this!
Yeah and that’s how I found out. I’ve always known that I had half siblings. I know that I have an older sister and an older brother. I think the brother’s six years older, and the sister’s three or four years older. And then a younger one who, when I was like a year and a half, my parents were potentially going to adopt but it didn’t actually end up working out. But when I did find her on Facebook I learned that the younger one—his name was Daniel—he passed away when he was sixteen from muscular dystrophy. So—you know, you know my dad—how he likes to have all the information. He apparently already knew this, and so when I talked to him about it, first that I had found her on Facebook, he was like, “I was wondering if you were going to find that.” He didn’t want to bring it up to me because I just started college. He didn’t want to throw a wrench in anything if I was going to react some specific way.
40
•
Jenny
adoptive and biological families either remain in contact or leave the option to get in contact later.
I always had the attitude that anyone who was special to me or involved in my life, and we would have kind of a reciprocal relationship where we would lean on each other, that was who my family was.
I would be curious to maybe establish just the knowledge that, “Hey I know you exist, you know I exist.” But again—I don’t know—I’d like to be established in my own life just because I feel like I’m a pretty realistic person, and I understand that in situations like this, where I was adopted because of need, and she had had previous custody problems with her older kids, they aren’t likely going to be in a very stable, good situation. So I don’t know if I would ever be put in a position where they might want something. And that sounds—I don’t know. That’s something that I would have to really think about before I try to initiate anything. There’s always going to be a part of me that wonders what they’re like. I just don’t know if I’m going to act on it yet.
Yeah for sure. Was it weird looking her up and being like, “Oh this person looks like me.” What was your reaction to that?
It’s weird because I don’t think she really does look like me. She has a perm or something. Her hair was really curly and she had like blonde highlights in it. And—I don’t know if it’s kosher to say—but she was like on the pretty heavy side, and I’ve never been stick thin but… So that was just like—I would never have identified her in a line up. Like “ Who was your birth mother?” I wouldn’t have ever chosen her. But the weird thing was, there was a picture of Daniel, the younger half sibling, from his memorial service or something, and my immediate reaction was, “Whoa I have his face shape and his kind of almost down-turned eyes.” He does look like me, so that was the most surreal part of it all. Yeah that’s so strange when you’re not used to—I don’t know— identifying yourself in someone else.
Yeah!
Can you speak more to what you said about a chosen family? I know we’ve sort of talked about this before, but the idea of who your biological family is versus a chosen family. I think one of the largest factors that went into having the perspective that whoever’s around you is your family, and especially people who you’re closer to are the people who I choose to be my family, is probably having you in my life because we’re both adopted. We’re both only children. I grew up having you basically as a sister because we’re six
Inward
• 41
Adoptive Parent Age Adoptive parents tend to be older than biological ones. The median age for a biological mother is 29, while the average for an adoptive mother is 44 years old. Age
20 Biological Moms 40 Adoptive Moms 60
days apart. We saw each other at least once a week—Fridays—we would have play dates. And then I grew up in a neighborhood where there were a lot of younger kids around me. On either side of our house were families with young kids. On the left was Go Go and Sonny and on the right was Susan and Hike, who you knew as well. They were always just around and those were kind of my chosen siblings because that, as far as I knew at the time, that was what having a sibling was like. Then growing up and going through school, having friends who had siblings. They would talk about their siblings and I was like, “Yeah, that’s kind of my experience with my friends, so it would make sense that those would be kind of my family.” I always knew that obviously they weren’t technically related to me, so they weren’t actually my family. But I always had the attitude that anyone who was special to me or involved in my life—and we would have kind of a reciprocal relationship where we would lean on each other—that was who my family was. I think my parents had a little bit to do with my attitude towards that. And a lot of it was just kind of situating myself in a world that related to other people, so like learning about other people’s experiences and being like, “Well yeah, I have a similar experience,” and so that’s how I defined it to myself. Does that make sense at all? I think so! The idea of like—in my case all the people I consider my grandparents or uncles or whatever, they’re not actually related to even my parents, but that never really mattered. That always confuses people. I don’t know if you have that experience too, but people like Uncle Ricky—my dad’s best friend—people are like, “Oh he’s your dad’s brother,” and I’m like, “Well, no.” I’m not actually related but it just doesn’t really matter because what does blood relation ever mean?
Left Jenny’s mom Deborah leading the singing of “Happy Birthday” for Jenny’s second birthday party.
Yeah and I think your parents have a much larger social network than my parents do so it makes sense that you have Uncle Ricky and Grandma Doris and so many older family friends that you would kind of associate those familial relationships to you. I had Aunt Diane who lived a couple hours away so I saw her pretty frequently and when I was younger my aunt Donna lived closer so I saw her a lot. Then I always just knew my dad had a really large family in Washington who we visited occasionally when I was little so I was like, those are my older members of my family because I had like Uncle Bob and my cousins. But—side note—it was a little strange because my parents were older when they adopted me. My mom was 42 and my dad was
Inward
• 43
I’m not going to have them for as long as most people my age will have their parents for. I think that’s just an eventuality that I’ve always had
44 • Molly
in the back of my mind. I haven’t really bothered to think about it much at this point. They’re just older. They’re aging.
Inward
• 45
45. All of the family members on my dad’s side, the people who are my age are my second cousins. My actual cousins are old enough to have children my age. I never really knew how to approach that. I would just be like, yeah the people who are my age are my cousins.
Can you speak more to that? Because I think that’s a pretty common thing when I talk to adopted people, including myself, they tend to have older parents. And that’s a very kind of weird experience, especially growing up when you start to realize that it’s different from everyone around you. Yeah. I think the most physically noticeable aspect is that my dad had gray hair when I was in elementary school or at least middle school. I don’t remember but, I guess he was just starting to gray in elementary school. My mom hasn’t really gone fully gray. She likes to keep the blonde appearance up. So physically I think it’s pretty noticeable that my parents are older. Being on play dates, I would be like, “Oh yeah those are my parents.” The ones—I would never identify them as those old people—but like it’s hard. Of course kids are going to notice that the parents look a little older. There was never any—I don’t know—nobody ever talked to me about it was like, “Yeah those are Jenny’s parents.” I guess to me it was just kind of obvious, but never a huge thing in my mind. I think mostly it’s kind of my frame of reference. The music I listened to when I was little was 50’s and 60’s, oldies. I know a ton of music from those decades, and the 70’s too. The majority of my friends’ parents were like 80’s kids so they would all sing all the 80’s music which I don’t know as much of. So I think like pop culture references, kind of just general knowledge, I have just a different context than a lot of people my age. Which is helpful when you are playing Family Feud or trivia night! I can be pretty good at that. It’s just really shaped my frame of reference I would say. If we want to get into the really existential thing I think you and I probably have a similar experience of like… my parents are going to be in their 70’s when I’m in my late 20’s and 30’s and I’m not going to have them for as long as most people my age will have their parents for. I think that’s just an eventuality that I’ve always had in the back of my mind. I haven’t really bothered to think about it much at this point, and I know that it’s going to raise its head in the future at some point but… I don’t know. They’re just older. They’re aging. Yeah. Same.
46
•
Jenny
Jenny’s dad holding her on his shoulders in their living room.
My mom had gotten pregnant. They knew that it was going to be triplets, and then she had a miscarriage and it was two. And then another one and it was one. And then, she had lost all of them.
Yeah. My dad’s going to be 70 when I graduate college. Isn’t that crazy? When’s his birthday? Aaa— April 9th. Yeah. Wow. It’s crazy. Yeah I’m—I don’t know if we want to get into freaky territory—but I’m volunteering with a hospice place this semester where I’m going to be visiting somebody once a week and I just got my assignment last week. His name is Gort and he’s 69 and in hospice. And I’m like, well that’s three years older than my dad. And I think my dad has aged pretty okay. He doesn’t look like he’s nearly 70. It’s just weird to think that in three years so much could happen that you just have no idea. You don’t have to talk about that though if you don’t want to haha.
I guess just going off of your parents being older, do you know why your parents chose adoption? Of course, you know, they always wanted a child. But specifically—I think it was just a couple years before I was born—my mom had gotten pregnant. They knew that it was going to be triplets, and then she had a miscarriage and it was two. And then another one and it was one. And then, she had lost all of them. I know that was a really difficult situation for them. Then she couldn’t get pregnant. So that’s why they turned to adoption, because of infertility. I think it was… four or five years before I was born… I think.
Is there anything else you would like to speak about in terms of adoption that I haven’t covered? Because I realize my questions are coming from my own experience. So there might be something you thought about that I didn’t.
I think it was just such a normal thing that it was never something that was always in the front of my mind or my parents’ minds. This is like a personal front, but as you know I’m short. My parents are both tall.
Inward
• 47
My mom is 5'9". My dad has always been 6'. From the time I was little my mom—and she didn’t say this because of her own experience but because my birth mother was 5"4"—so my mom assumed that my birth father was taller, and he probably was, she always told me, “Yeah you’ll probably be at least 5'4"!” And so that was always just on my mind and she told me that repeated. I don’t hold any corrections because probability wise I probably should have been over 5'4" if that’s how tall my birth mother was. I think that she just didn’t really think about the fact that there are a lot of unknowns when you’re adopted and there is no point in promising somebody when you really don’t know. I just assumed that I would be over 5'4". I had to accept the fact—still kind of hard—that I’m not going to be any taller. But that is just one more physical thing. Never been really an issue, but just a small stab to the self-confidence. Last Thanksgiving, my mom, her two sisters, their husbands, and my dad gathered. My mom—she’s one of three girls—she’s 5'9". My aunt is 5'10" and my other aunt is 5'8" and their husbands are all taller than that. Two of my uncles—one is like 6'4" and the other is like 6'2". So we’re taking that picture it’s like tall-tall-tall-tall… Jenny… tall-tall-tall-tall. So that’s just something that I’ve accepted. That’s definitely a product of being adopted.
I mean obviously your parents never cared that you look different but do you ever feel like—because you do have a larger family than I do, so you do see everyone and you’re obviously, like you said, shorter and have darker hair because everyone’s got pretty light hair, you know, does that ever bother you or anyone or was it just kind of never a big deal?
I think it’s just bothered me because again, I’d like to be tall and growing up in a situation where I’m surrounded by tall people, I think it’s probably just a personal issue. That has nothing to do with being adopted. Never anything that I truly, been truly upset about but kind of just a little annoyance that I’ll run into now and again when I’m with my family members who are taller than me. But never a serious problem that I’ve had or worry or consider.
48
•
Jenny
The relationships that matter are the ones that you put effort into, and the ones that are around you and are meaningful to you, and not just because you’re related by blood.
I don’t think this is a relevant point because I’ve never been super super close to my technical family who are actually related to my parents, I think that just goes back to add into the whole chosen family thing. The relationships that matter are the ones that you put effort into, and the ones that are around you and are meaningful to you, and not just because you’re related by blood. Yes I have family members that are related “by blood” and I’m glad and I love them and we have relationships that I’m happy to have, but that’s never taken away from the fact that I feel like I’m just as connected, if not more so, to the people who aren’t related to me.
Right Jenny’s first Christmas.
Inward
• 49
50
•
Jenny
I think one of the largest factors that went into having the perspective that whoever’s around you is your family… is probably having you in my life because we’re both adopted.
Inward
• 51
Katie The way my mom always Interviewer (my friend Angela): So what age were you when you were adopted and from where?
Me: I was adopted before I was born technically, so my parents were there when I was born in the hospital. I was born in Los Angeles, but my birth mother is actually from Pennsylvania. She flew out to Los Angeles, where my parents live and where I grew up, to give birth to me. Since my parents went through a private adoption agency, that was settled before I was born.
says that you can tell I’m adopted is because I have really small boobs and she has big boobs.
So did your birth mother pick your parents or was it was the other way around?
So usually in private adoption in America you have an application kind of where you state your age, your employment, and then you fill out what kind of baby you want, which is very bizarre. Whoa! That’s weird.
Yeah you’ll be like, “Oh I only want babies that are like Black or Asian,” or “I don’t want a special needs baby,” or “I do want a special needs baby,” or “I don’t care.” And then based on that they match you with moms and the moms can interview you.
52
•
Katie
Right My parents officially finalizing my adoption at the courthouse when I was 11 months old.
Inward
• 53
So you mentioned you had a closed adoption. Can you explain that a little bit?
Closed Adoption
So a closed adoption is basically when you don’t maintain contact with your birth mom or parents—in my case my birth mom. I mean I could find her and reach out to her I’m sure with modern technology, but we don’t maintain any sort of contact.
family, including the child, and the
But do you have her name at all?
was adopted.
A closed adoption means there is no contact between the adoptive biological family after the adoption. This was the most common form of adoption in the United States for decades up until around the time I
I do know the name because my parents met her and like interviewed with her and stuff. Her name is Cheryl Keys. I don’t know if she still lives in Pennsylvania. So I would’ve been Katie Keys. That’s so weird! So did your parents name you Katie or did you birth mom name you Katie?
No my parents named me Katie. Birth parents—I don’t think—usually get a say in that, especially if it’s a closed adoption.
When did you find out you were adopted?
I’ve always known. It was never a secret. There wasn’t a moment I remember being like, “What? I’m adopted?” My parents always told me from day one. It’s just something I always knew about and I’m sure as I got older and, you know, processed what that means—because at age two you don’t know that means. I remember they had—they used to give me books like, How I was Adopted. Which now looking back I’m like, “I see what you did there.” At the time I was just like, “Cool a book!” It would kind of explain like, “Oh! Your mommy didn’t actually give birth to you but she’s still your mommy!” type thing.
So you never had that moment—did you ever have like a moment where you felt out of place?
No, definitely not. Because like you specifically—I know we’ve elaborated on this before—but you specifically present similarly to your parents.
54
•
Katie
Top My parents and I after my first Dodgers game at 6 weeks old. Bottom For my first Christmas, my family went to brunch at the Westwood Marquis hotel.
Inward
• 55
I’ve always known. It was never a secret. There wasn’t a moment I remember being like, “ What? I’m adopted?” My parents always told me from day one.
56
•
Katie
Right because we’re both—I mean we’re all white, blue-eyed. As far My Genetic Background Since this interview, I have had my DNA tested to find out my ethnicity. I am mostly British/Irish with a small
as I know I’m actually very similar in genetic composition to my mom. We’re both mostly Irish, possibly part Cherokee. Like really
tiny part Cherokee. So it makes sense. And I’m in between the height of my parents.
bit of Native American, just like my mom. I am also part French/German, just like my dad.
That’s, that’s like crazy.
Yeah. The way my mom always says that you can tell I’m adopted is because I have really small boobs and she has big boobs.
What was the process—we kind of already touched on this—but what was the process your parents went through to adopt you?
Yeah so like I said—well my parents originally tried to have a kid. And my mom had two miscarriages, two surgeries, and various infertility treatments. Basically, the doctor determined she couldn’t have a baby. And so that’s when they started considering adoption. And because they were older—they’d already been trying to have kids for years— and they also, for their time, married kind of late. My mom was 28 and my dad was like 35 or something. So for baby boomers I guess that’s kind of late. They were already an older couple, so they actually had a lot of trouble matching parents because there’s this stigma, I guess, amongst birth moms. They want younger, like, newer parents. And my parents were so much older—which you know to me doesn’t make sense, because they were like, “Hello, we’re educated and have stable careers already.” It took them a long time to find someone who was willing to adopt to them. And for my birth mom, she decided really late in the game that she wanted to give up for adoption. So it wasn’t like she got pregnant and immediately registered. It was like—I want to say seven months into her pregnancy or something— it was very late. I’d have to double check that. So she was kind of just like, “I don’t care. I need a family to take this baby.” And my parents were super nice and they got on super well and she was like, “They’re financially stable. They’re obviously responsible. They really want this kid. Why not?” She didn’t want to go through this laborious process of going through like ten families. She also—I don’t know—she had some apparently previous experience with adoption agencies and didn’t really like the process. So I actually have very little information about my medical history. That’s why I don’t know what ethnicity I really am. Obviously like White mutt, right? But she didn’t really properly fill out all the forms of medical history or anything, so the
Inward
• 57
only thing we really knew was like, “She wore glasses, so one day you’ll wear glasses probably.” Look where I am. I wear glasses. But what was also interesting is she has brown eyes, so my parents expected me to have brown eyes.
I never really wanted to
And again, you came out like this.
it’d be really cool to meet
Yeah and then I came out with blue eyes, which means my birth dad must have had blue eyes.
meet my birth mom. It’s just not a figure I need in my life. I always thought my step siblings because as a kid I always wanted a brother.
Do you know anything about your birth dad?
No. He—it was a one-night stand situation. Like, met at a bar, went home together. And she—she already had three kids when I was born. So I have technically two stepbrothers and a stepsister. The sister’s the oldest and she has a dad. And then the brothers have the same dad. Then I have a different I dad. Do you know the backstory as to why she gave you up?
I think it was mostly money. She just couldn’t afford a fourth kid on a single income, and—you know—she probably wasn’t the most responsible person if she’s been having all these accidental kids. I mean I don’t want to presume. I don’t know if my step siblings were accidental or not. But I assume that there were some poor choices made along the way.
When did you start asking your parents about like—or did you ask your parents about your birth mom?
I got really curious about it in middle school. I think—I don’t know why—I just, it was so normal for me. And plus my best friend Jenny, who is in this book, was adopted six days after me. So we’re six days apart in age. Was it the same or a similar situation with her?
Yeah kind of. She was—her parents also went through an adoption agency and had similar problems finding a baby—they’re about my parents’ age. They actually got a call for her the day she was born in the hospital because her birth mom hadn’t registered for an adoption
58
•
Katie
Adoption Competition Today in America, it is estimated that there are 2 million couples waiting to adopt a newborn at any given time, meaning there are 36 couples per 1 available child.
agency. So it was sort of like, she was born and the mom was like, “ I don’t know what to do with this baby.” So it was a little different, but they went through a similar process. And she didn’t—like for me they’d been planning for months. They knew I was coming. But for Jenny’s she just showed up one day in their lives. But it was cool because we’ve been best friends since I was a week old. Growing up with someone else who’s adopted—it was never weird to me. I just kind of thought like, tons of people are adopted.
We kind of touched on this already, but why did your parents choose adoption?
Like I said, my mom had miscarriages and couldn’t have a baby but wanted to have kids—or a kid. So they turned to adoption. They almost adopted a child from China because they had such—I mean in the
American adoption system there’s more parents wanting to adopt a newborn than there are newborns to adopt. And that’s not true
for foster care. There’s lots of foster care kids. But in terms of adopting a newborn, it’s pretty competitive so a lot of people go outside. At the time China was a huge—I don’t want to say supplier of babies—but there was a huge overpopulation problem and abandonment problem with babies at the time. Especially girls.
Especially girls. And my mom wanted a girl. So they considered that for a while and almost—they even had a visa when I came up. They were serious about it.
Do you know anything about your biological parents?
Basically just what I’ve said. I know—my mom has told me different things and I just can’t remember all of them. One of my stepbrother’s name is Mickey, which I always thought was a cool name. Mickey Mouse! That’s probably why you remember him.
Yeah! Oh yeah well kind of going back—I didn’t even answer your original question for that—but in middle school is when I started really thinking about it. And being like, “Oh is this something I would want to pursue?” Because I guess when you’re a kid it was just, like I
Inward
• 59
60 • Katie
Finances in Adoptive Families Families that adopt tend to be more financially stable than the average American family. While 18% of all kids live in households with incomes below the poverty line, only 12% of adopted children do.
said, so normal for me that I just never considered it. And then I was in middle school and started to have close friends and like talking to people and you sort of go through your identity crisis or whatever. So I would just—I just started thinking about it really seriously. I never really wanted to meet my birth mom. It’s just not a figure I need in my life. I always thought it’d be really cool to meet my step siblings because as a kid I always wanted a brother. But the reality of it is they’re probably not in as good a situation as I am and they probably didn’t have the opportunities I did. And so I don’t know how that relationship would play out. If it would be awkward. If I’m like, “Cool I’m going to this top-20 university that costs $60,000 a year and am starting my career in the arts and you know I went to this private high school and traveled the world and went abroad…” And they just maybe didn’t go to college, maybe didn’t have the opportunity to do those things. I think it would just be awkward. I mean privilege is something that like… is hard to deal with. Privilege is something that you—it’s hard to face.
Yeah, exactly. And I am very appreciative of the opportunities I have because of being adopted. I mean if I hadn’t been adopted, I would have been in a significantly lower income household, maybe on food stamps, probably going to public school. Nothing wrong with public school, but just a very different lifestyle. I probably would not have been able to explore the arts like I have been. So in a way I was always appreciative to my birth mom for having the courage to give me up, because I think—especially if you already have three kids that you’ve kept—that guilt is probably… I mean it’s a hard decision to make no matter what your situation is. Did she write you any letters or did she leave you anything?
Left Me sitting on my dad’s shoulders at the dinner table.
No. Because it’s a closed adoption so I don’t know if she’s allowed to. I know open adoptions are more common these days. I don’t really like the idea of it as much. I can’t really speak to that because I don’t have that experience, so I don’t want to speak about something I don’t know anything about. For me personally, I have no desire to have a relationship to someone who was not there in my life. You know someone who ultimately like—I don’t want to feel indebted to anyone or… it’s just not necessary. I don’t need another family member.
Inward
• 61
I tend to like to keep a Have you ever tried to look up your biological family?
No. I’m scared to. Really? Why?
I just—I don’t know I think it’d be weird because I’ve never met anyone who looks like me. And that’s an interesting concept I think that people who aren’t adopted don’t think about. In science class in third grade we were learning about genetics. We went around the room and the teacher was like, “Oh say something—a characteristic physical or personality wise—that you gained from your parents.” Which, for the record, they should have considered that someone could have been adopted because that’s very common. I was not the only adopted kid in my elementary school. When they got to me—and luckily I’m not ashamed of it and I’m really comfortable talking about it—but I was like, “Well I’m adopted so I don’t share anything genetically with my parents.” And my teacher just like, “Oh!” She never considered it really. She must’ve never had an adopted kid in that class before. She was like, “Oh, I didn’t think about that.” And then she said something really sweet like, “I think you get your sense of humor from your parents.” Which was very nice as a third grader, that someone told me I had a sense of humor. But it—yeah, I think it’s something people don’t think about a lot. And so, if I looked up my birth mom—I just, again, I just don’t need to have to think about that. I just don’t need another thing to worry about.
What do family and blood relationships mean to you?
This is something that I do think about a lot because—well obviously, as I said, I don’t have any blood related family members that are in my life. But even the family members that are in my life for the most part aren’t even blood related to my parents. Because my parents are older my “biological” grandparents either died before I was born or when I was really young so I didn’t have a close relationship with any of them really. But I still have my grandma, who’s technically my mom’s best friend’s mom, but she’s very much my grandmother. I call her grandma. She’s coming my graduation. My photo’s in her wallet type thing. Like totally my grandma. And even my dad’s best friend
62
•
Katie
close tight-knit small group of friends who I kind of—who I lean on very heavily. Who I think subconsciously kind of turn into my family.
My mom holding me in the hospital right after I was born.
is Uncle Ricky to me and he’s much—I’m much closer with him than any of my parents’ actual siblings. So blood relation quite literally never meant anything to me. And also like, even though my parents and I are the same race, race never really meant anything to me as a boundary for family either because like my godmother is African American, my godfather is Mexican, my best friend Jenny—who I consider like a sister—I mean we don’t know her ethnicity, but she’s dark skinned. It just really never mattered to me. Some people put such emphasis on that. They’re like, “You’re blood and so you have to help them no matter what!” It’s like, if they’re being a horrible person, why is that your family? I also think that I consider my friends a lot closer because of that. I tend to like to keep a close tight-knit small group of friends who I kind of—who I lean on very heavily. Who I think subconsciously kind of turn into my family. Which is also—it makes me very vulnerable to like if someone betrays me or someone— I’ve had multiple really close friendships fall apart in horrible ways that affected me more deeply than it did the people around me I think because of that. Because I don’t really have a line distinction between like people who are related to me by blood and the people who are in my life. Like, that’s just one thing. I think I honestly just had so many supportive people in my life that were not related to me that it very much came from like, “Oh, these are the people that support me and come to my things and send me Christmas gifts, and that’s my family.”
Do you want to talk about culture? Because like, you don’t present differently from your parents, but like did they have any cultural background that they instilled in you?
Not really. I mean my mom was raised super Irish Catholic. But my dad is very much—I don’t know if he’d define himself as an atheist, but he’s just not religious at all. So I kind of grew up a little Catholic. Like I was baptized and went to an elementary school where they said generic prayers in the morning. It wasn’t a Catholic school, but sometimes we’d read Bible verses more for the morality of it. But neither of them ever really forced anything on me.
Is there anything you feel like you missed?
Because I was adopted?
Inward
• 63
No, not necessarily adopted but because like—did you ever feel out of place because you didn’t know your cultural identity?
I really identify as being like an Angeleno, so not really. I mean Los Angeles is such a diverse and cultural place that I never identified as anything but a Californian or an American and very much was immersed in that way of living. I think one thing is like, I never had a big family—that I was close to anyway. My mom has a big Irish Catholic family on her dad’s side, but she’s not very close with any of them. And most of my parents’ family live on the East Coast, so I only really have my cousin and my second cousin who live in California with us. And so I grew up being close to them but I never had that like giant close-knit family, 20-person Thanksgiving dinner. That’s not necessarily related to being adopted. That’s like your personal story.
Yeah. I always wish I had that. It has always made me very jealous when people are like, “Yeah my 20 cousins came over and we had a family reunion and went to Lake Tahoe!” because I’ve never had that experience. And especially—and that does tie in a little bit with blood relations. Like I said, I don’t really care about blood relations, but it would be really cool to be like, “Wow! I have this like giant family that I’m really close to!” And that’s just not the reality of my family or—I mean also because I just can’t have that physically. But like I said, I’ve built a sort of family.
Were your parents adopted?
No. I thought I—like someone has adopted parents. I forgot who. Obviously not you.
Nope. My mom does have a friend from elementary school though who was one of 7 adopted kids, which is nuts. I mean one: just seven kids, but also to go through the adoption process seven times. But that’s also like a very different experience. I’ve never had siblings. But it would be interesting. I’m always interested in that like when parents have kids and then also adopt a kid. That’s such a different
64
•
Katie
Jenny and I playing with a plastic tea set in my childhood bedroom.
We’ve been best friends since I was a week old. Growing up with someone else who’s adopted—it was never weird to me. I just kind of thought like, tons of people are adopted.
Inward
• 65
dynamic, especially if that kid is a different race. Which like, kudos to them. That’s awesome. But also must be a much more challenging experience in some ways that I never had to face the like—I was never outed by people meeting my parents. And again, it is not something I would care about, but it’s not something I particularly bring up. It’s not something I want to talk about it all the time. It’s not on your resume.
Yeah exactly. It’s like just—it’s like saying, “Hi I’m Katie. I’m female, I was born on July 8th, I’m adopted.” It’s just like an identity trait, not like a big part of my life or a defining characteristic.
66
•
Katie
Right My mom and I in front of my childhood home.
Inward
• 67
68
•
Katie
Above
My dad holding me in the hospital the day I was born.
Inward
• 69
Outward How is adoption perceived by the outside world? While to an adopted person, it is the norm, when approached by others, lots of questions can emerge. What misconceptions do adoptees encounter, how does the media portray adoption, and what do adoptees wish that others understood about it?
Molly Could you talk about your experience being obviously a different race than your mom?
My mom will always say we get the “double-take” when anyone sees us walking down the street. I mean I didn’t notice it for a really long time. It didn’t really mean much. But then it got a little weirder as I was getting older. People would always refer to like my parents and I’d say, “No, I just have a mom.” And then they’d be like, “Oh you know Chinese moms.” And I’d have to say, “No, my mom is White.” There’s always like a—you have to have an explanation in your back pocket of your whole life story. People will always ask, “Do you want to know your birth parents?” and they get a little surprised when I say no.
Can you talk more about the reactions you get from people? What things have people said that stood out to your questions that you get asked often?
It almost always starts like, “Can you speak Chinese?” I can count to like 99 but I don’t even know the word for 100. That’s kind of the extent I know. Then sometimes it’s a little weird going to like Chinese restaurants or very authentic places. They very much know—like as soon as I talk I don’t have a Chinese accent. I sound very American. Within the Chinese community it’s really obvious where I come from and that we don’t necessarily share the same international identity. Also a lot of people assume I’m Japanese.
72
Molly
Right Molly sitting in the living room of her off-campus St. Louis apartment she lives in during the school year.
Outward
73
I feel like when people think of adoption they don’t think of cases like you where you look like your parents. It’s always some trans-race kind of identity.
74
Molly
Oh interesting! Why is that? Transracial Adoptions 40% of all adoptions in the United States, including private domestic, foster care, and international, are transracial adoptions.
I think it’s because I have darker skin and my face is more of the narrow angular side. And I think it’s my eyes. You know some Chinese people have more rounded eyelids, kind of like a sunrise or something. Mine are a little more almond and jagged and angular. And I took Japanese for four years so that doesn’t help.
What is the biggest misconception you face when it comes to adoption or you specifically?
It’s always kind of like, “Oh your parents didn’t love you before.” Oh my god. That’s awful!
I don’t think it’s that or at least I don’t want to think about it that way. I mean maybe it’s true, but that’s none of my business. I am here now and my mom loves me so I have that. Also I feel like when people think of adoption they don’t think of cases like you where you look like your parents. It’s always some trans-race kind of identity.
When you were growing up and sort of realizing that other kids look like their parents and other kids are their parents’ kids, how did you react to that? Was it a big deal to you?
When I was really young it didn’t matter to me. It was like just, “Hey this is my mom.” And then as I got older and people might not see my mom picking me up from school, then there’s almost like that initial shock that people have. “Oh that’s what your Mom looks like?” Also just being with my mom in public as I got older, I became more self-conscious of the double takes. People would say to me sometimes, “ Who is that White lady you were walking with earlier?” and I’d have to say, “Oh that’s my mom,” and then they’d feel bad. Sometimes my mom, because she is older, gets mistaken for my grandma. Then there’s that whole situation. It’s almost cumbersome in a way to have to explain over and over again, “No this is my mom. I’m adopted. No I don’t have a dad,” and having that whole spiel ready.
Outward
75
My mom tells me that If you could educate people about adoption, what is something you would like them to know?
I think for me it’s kind of helped me break down important relationships. I never quite got in TV and movies why people always seem like, “Well they’re family, you have to do it for them!” No if someone’s being a shithead then it doesn’t matter. Family bonds can’t replace or act as an excuse for someone’s attitude or their desires. I mean there’s so many other meaningful connections that you can make not being related. My mom has shown me that you don’t need to have be married to have a kid or have a successful life or be happy raising someone. And that you don’t need to be of the same race or look the same to make up a family. I think people always say, “Yeah adoption’s great but I just want to have a kid of my own.” And that—I mean sure that’s your personal preference. I never quite understood that. If you want a kid and you can help out, there’s so many kids who are in need of good homes and they’re not going to love you any less. I think we should erase sort of the stigma against taking in another child. Not that everyone in the world has to go out and adopt someone. But helping kids—not even just in other countries but in the United States too—there are kids who are in and out of foster homes and need a stable family. I think that’s something everyone deserves.
I was found outside a library with my umbilical cord still attached to some extent. So I was given up pretty quickly.
I mean have you ever felt like adoption was a negative thing?
It’s not something I like—I don’t bring up all the time if I don’t have to because then I get those questions again. Which again, like I know my answers now but for a time I had to really think on the spot what it means to me, so I don’t necessarily bring it up. It’s like the same way when you have a pet, you don’t just say, “Oh she’s adopted!” I mean sometimes you do but… It just never seemed very integral into how I carry myself as a person. I mean it explains my background and my upbringing but in everyday conversations if I’m just meaning someone or I’m acquaintances with them, it’s not something I feel they need to know right away.
76
Molly
Right Molly’s bedroom wall is covered corner to corner with prints and postcards she has collected.
Outward
77
My mom has shown me that you don’t need to be married to have a kid or have a successful life or be happy raising someone. And that you don’t need to be of the same race or look the same to make up a family.
78
Molly
However you define identity, how big of a deal is adoption to your personal identity?
Maybe adoption not as much but the concept of growing up with a White mother who raised me in this very Americanized way. Like not through a Chinese parent who has all these years and years of experience in growing up as a Chinese person from China. But I mean my mom has done all that she could to help get me in touch with my culture and that’s important. I even do this thing sometimes where, especially over the summer people would ask me a lot, “Where are you from?” And I’d say I’m from Boston or from America. Then I’d always get the, “No where are you really from?” So I kind of would try to test the boundaries of how much I could say I’m an American. Molly sitting on her moon-covered bedsheets looking at baby photos.
And that’s just a general Chinese American experience too.
Yeah. I would say Chinese American is the most accurate way to describe me. And I know when we were studying abroad in Florence, I mean everyone in our group who was Asian had that problem.
Right. And even growing up people would be like, “Hey Chinese kid!” or “Chinese girl!” Oh my gosh. In Boston really?
Yeah. I went to school with a lot of Cambodian people so I didn’t quite look like them but I was one of the very few Chinese people in my school. There’s a lot of Hispanics, Cambodians, and some Muslim classmates and a sprinkling of White kids. That’s a very diverse class.
Yeah. My mom specifically wanted me to go to this elementary school. It was still in my city but it was on the other side. She was like, “Yeah I want her to be in a community where there are more people who are like her.” When I went to middle school, I went to the one closer to my house in a very Italian community. I was—I don’t know—one of like five Asian people. It was very different. I could really feel how isolated I was. How everyone kind of looked the same and I was just so different and I didn’t have a Revere accent like everyone else.
Outward
79
80
Molly
Above
The entire wall collection. Some prints are from movies she loves, from places she has been, art she admires, or personal photos.
Outward
81
I was—I don’t know—one So you liked that experience of going to a more diverse elementary school growing up?
Yeah, because I just felt very at home. There was no single majority. I didn’t really understand—I mean Boston itself is very diverse and I didn’t understand being in a place with so many White people for a bit. How do you feel about university life? How does it compare?
I am very conscious of the divide of people racially at WashU. I’ve noticed in classes like, “Wow, I’m the only Asian person here, the only person of color,” which is very off-putting. Especially I think a lot of the lack of a Black community because St Louis is 50% Black so that disparity really sticks out to me, thinking about opportunities. And then there’s the whole Asian quota thing that I was really hyper conscious of applying to schools. So I think there’s even a section on the Common App that asked you to identify your race. I think someone was telling me like “You should put ‘other,’” or— Or ‘prefer not to answer.’
Yeah because then ‘Asian’ would look worse for me because they’d be like, “Oh another Asian person,” and because a lot of schools have 15% Asian populations. That’s kind of the cap. Whereas schools that are race blind, like the U.C. schools, have more of a 80%—or 60 to 80—or something much higher because it looks at just merit. So for me, having a White last name and someone telling me to say I was something ‘other,’ I was thinking a lot about like, how I would look on paper versus—of course in an interview someone’s going to see what I look like—but if it would help me or hurt me to be ‘Asian.’ What did you end up doing?
I actually don’t remember. I think what I did is I put ‘other’ but my whole Common App essay was about being adopted and not being White. So I’m not sure. Haha! Well you kind of gave yourself away there didn’t you?
Yeah maybe!
82
Molly
of like five Asian people. It was very different. I could really feel how isolated I was. How everyone kind of looked the same and I was just so different and I didn’t have a Revere accent like everyone else.
Outward
83
84
Molly
My friends grew up on stir-fried green beans and rice, and I grew up on pork chops and egg noodles.
What was your Common App essay about?
It was about your whole project! Like the same angle and everything?
Yeah! I’ll send it to you. Oh thanks! That’s awesome.
It was literally all about being an Asian American and what that means to me.
Was there any big takeaway from your Common App essay that you haven’t said yet?
I remember there was this one line that college advisor said she really liked. It was like… “My friends grew up on stir-fried green beans and rice, and I grew up on pork chops and egg noodles.” Which I feel like is very accurate. I love faux Americanized Chinese food. Like mall Chinese food—I think it’s so good! Panda Express for life!
Yesss! Master Wok!
And you—correct me if I’m wrong—you’re also Jewish right?
Nope! You’re not Jewish?
Nope! My mom raised me Christian. Oh! I thought your mom was Jewish.
Left (both) Molly’s front porch.
My mom is half-Jewish so I’m technically one-quarter Jewish. But my mom sent me to an Episcopalian church and then I realized when I was about 11 I was an Atheist, and then didn’t tell my mom until I was like 18.
Outward
85
People would always refer to like my parents and I’d say, “No, I just have a mom.” And then they’d be like, “Oh you know Chinese moms.” And I’d have to say, “ No, my mom is White.” There’s always like a—
you have to have an explanation in your back pocket of your whole life story. People will always ask, “Do you want to know your birth parents?� and they get a little surprised when I say no.
Outward
87
If you want to kid and you can help out, there’s so many kids who are in need of good homes and they’re not going to love you any less. I think we should erase sort of the stigma against taking in another child.
88
Molly
It was all about the reality of people being abandoned as babies and what it means to not have a family and going into the orphanages and seeing the conditions and everything. I was like, “Oh my God!” So then my mom found me in tears.
Interesting. So technically your mom is Jewish, I didn’t just make that up.
Yeah that didn’t come out of nowhere. Interesting okay. I have friends who are adopted from China who were raised Jewish—
Yeah I have a few of them too. —and that’s always a weird thing to people because there’s not that many Jewish Asian people.
Yeah they’re like, “Don’t you have to be White to be Jewish?” “ Don’t you have to be… Jewish to be Jewish?” That’s funny.
Do you have any thoughts about how media portrays adoption?
Oh yeah, I did have this like one traumatic moment. Remember I mentioned that Oprah special? It was playing in the background. My mom was watching me in the room but she forgot that she left it on the kitchen TV, and I was doing homework. It was all about the reality of people being abandoned as babies and what it means to not have a family and going into the orphanages and seeing the conditions and everything. I was like, “Oh my God!” So then my mom found me in tears. She was like, “You weren’t meant to see that! I’m so sorry! It’s not like that!” Well that’s very dramatic and different from most media portrayals of adoption I feel!
Yeah I don’t—I don’t remember the actual quality. I mean it’s Oprah, I’m sure she did a good job. All I could think of in that moment was, “Someone doesn’t love me!” Do you still feel that way or was that just like—
No no it was at the time. Now I’m like, whatever.
Outward
89
What ways have you seen adoption being portrayed in popular culture and society? And how have you reacted to that?
Modern Family
I think the first one that really hit me was on Modern Family. When they have the little Chinese girl Lily. My mom was so obsessed with her like, “Look how cute she is!” It was such a really good portrayal of having a loving family. And then my mom stopped watching Modern Family because she said it went downhill. But I think that was the first real one that hit me.
baby girl Lily from China.
On the show Modern Family, dads Mitch (below) and Cam adopt their
But I guess in adoption it’s about—not that it’s always like a White savior kind of thing, but I guess how it could be misconstrued like that in some senses. How it’s usually, almost always, a White person going to an impoverished country and improving their lives.
One thing you touched on that I personally get asked is would you want to meet your biological parents and why or why not?
For me, I’m pretty indifferent about it. It’s a lot of work for me to try and track them down, and I don’t feel like I’m going to get any extra for fulfillment or satisfaction like, “Oh my identity has been solved now!” Because I feel like I formed it myself and it’s not dependent on having like—I feel like who I am, it’s not—it’s not totally biologically based. And so I don’t—I don’t really dwell on that part. I mean it’s always a little awkward going to a doctor’s appointment and they say, “What’s your family history of these diseases?” and I’m like, “I don’t know!” Yep! Every time. They never understand that. They’re always like, “ How do you not know?”
“I don’t know!” Oh yeah I know some people my adoption group who have done 23andMe. I’m doing it right now.
Oh yeah? There are those other DNA things and I’m curious ethnically because people always say, “Oh you don’t look totally Chinese.” So I’m curious if there’s some other mix in there somewhere.
90
Molly
Right The front door to Molly’s apartment.
Outward
91
92
Molly
Also, just being with my mom in public as I got older, I became more self-conscious of the double takes. People would say to me sometimes, “Who is that White lady you were walking with earlier?” and I’d have to say, “Oh that’s my mom,”
Outward
93
Jenny So you were talking about how you don’t really know what ethnicity you are. You have some guesses, but what is that experience like? Because most people can be like, “Oh my mom’s from here, my dad’s from here, so I’m vaguely this.” But growing up, not only do you not look like your parents, but you don’t know what you are at all.
Whenever people see me, they are like, “Oh are you Hispanic?” Nobody has ever really—I guess when I was little, people would come up to my mom and assume I was like Italian or something or European. But then—I think I was in high school—we were in a P.E. class, some boy I didn’t know, he was like, “Oh are you Guatemalan?” And was like, “ I don’t think so.” And he was like, “You look so Guatemalan!” And so it was never something that I’ve been like, yes, I know I can identify with this group because I know I look like them. That was one of the first times where I was like, “Whoa! I look like somebody.” I’ve always just gone with the Spanish thing. If somebody asks me directly about my ethnicity I would say, “Oh I’m Spanish.” But then that has always been a weird situation if somebody is like, “Oh what’s your family, where are they from?” I’m like well my parents are—my mom is German and—what is she—she’s German and Swedish and my dad is English and German. I’ll just say that. When I was younger I wouldn’t even think about it. They’re like, “Oh you’re like Swedish and German and English?” I’m like, “Oh, well, no I’m Spanish.” And then that might in some cases bring up the adoption thing if somebody
94
Jenny
Right Jenny on the steps of her back porch.
Outward
95
was going to ask more. I’ve always—if they’re just specifically talking about me, I honestly have never felt super conflicted about it just because I know that I am at least half Spanish.
A lot of other people often
And I wasn’t ever really curious about finding out more until recently, within the past couple of years. Especially with genetic testing now, there’s a possibility where I could just find out on my own, so I think at some point I’d like to do that.
because I don’t know that,
And why did you decide you wanted to look into your background more suddenly?
I think just getting older. Going to college, learning about so many things that I didn’t ever know existed before, learning who I am as a person. I think my ethnicity would fit into that but I’m really thankful that my parents have never put any real meaning in the whole, “You are who you are, you are who your family is,” because I’ve always had kind of a chosen family in addition to the people who adopted me, who chose me. I’ve always kind of chosen my family, so that’s always been my self-identity. Whereas a lot of other people often are like, “ Well my identity is my heritage,” which because I don’t know that, I never really put any value into that. So I think just expanding my worldview has made me a little more curious about what my DNA is.
I guess also going back to the growing up being adopted thing, what was your experience being a different race than your parents and how kids—or just people in general in your life—react to when you tell them you are adopted or when they figure it out?
I think I’ve been really fortunate in that nobody has ever challenged me or questioned me when the subject has come up. If somebody would ask, “Oh those are your parents?” I would be like, “Yeah those are my parents!” Nobody was like—I can’t think of any situation which somebody was like, “Oh those are your parents, they don’t look like you!” I know that does happen to some kids, but I can’t remember that ever happening to me. I don’t know if it has to do with growing up in L.A. It’s a very progressive area and so everybody was like, “Yeah, people get adopted or whatever.” I never really had any confrontations where somebody reacted in a negative way. And it has always just kind of been on my mind. I’m trying to think of an example.
96
Jenny
be like, “Well my identity is my heritage,” which I never really put any value into that.
He was like, “You look so Guatemalan!” And so it was never something that I’ve been like, yes, I know I can identify with this group because I know I look like them. That was one of the first times where I was like, “Whoa! I look like somebody.”
Outward
97
98
Jenny
I’ve been pretty fortunate that people just come to me with questions and never have confronted me with any preconceived notions.
Top Jenny holding one of her baby onesies that her parents kept. Bottom Jenny’s bookshelf is filled with photos, including this one of her mom holding her in the hospital the day after she was born.
No negative reactions. I think honestly there was very little time spent thinking about the fact that I was adopted when I was young. And in general, not a lot of mental effort has gone into that. Which I think is a pretty good thing because it’s always just been kind of a fact and what our situation is. I think the closest thing I guess is when I was in middle school. I was in P.E.—I don’t know what it is about P.E.—but I was with some friends who weren’t really friends, but I was just passing time because I had finished. We were running that day I think. There was a girl, her name was Cady, but not spelled the same way! She was talking to her friends and I was in their little group with them that day. She was like—what did she say—“Oh yeah, if I adopted a kid I would never tell them they’re adopted because that would just like psychologically mess them up and they would be emotionally inept and that would just ruin them for life knowing that somebody didn’t want them.” At the time I didn’t really say anything, but I was like, that’s weird that you would say that. I didn’t challenge her because, you know me, I’m a pretty laid-back person. I’m not going to engage anybody in an argument if I can avoid it. But that always just stuck with me. That wasn’t directed at me. She didn’t know that I was adopted so that doesn’t directly relate your question. But I think that has huge implications for the attitude you have, mostly just based on your experience. Obviously she’s had somebody in her life who is feeding her those things, or she has some experience just absorbing that attitude towards someone. But actually being adopted, I would never take that point of view coming from my situation because—you could get into the whole child development thing which we don’t need to—but having a situation in which it’s never presented as a negative and it’s always been reinforced in your mind as, “this is a positive thing.” You have so many opportunities that you wouldn’t have otherwise had and somebody cared enough about you to give you those opportunities. That’s just in such a stark contrast to her attitude, my attitude being someone who is adopted.
That leads into another question I had. What are people’s greatest misconceptions about adoption that you’ve experienced? What would you like people to understand about it differently?
For the most part people have never come to me with preconceived notions that they’re trying to tell me. Instead, usually they’ll just ask questions, which I think—I don’t know if that’s a unique situation that people have who are adopted—but I’ve never been confronted with
Outward
99
A lot of times in shows or movies the child that finds out they’re adopted is like, “Ugh somebody didn’t want me. Somebody gave me up because they didn’t love me.” And I think that’s a pretty common notion that you run
across, but having never experienced that myself, that would always be the seed of confusion. Well should I feel that way? No I have no reason to feel that way because I never—there was never any detail that I felt my parents held back.
Outward
101
something where I’m like, “No that’s not it at all!” I think generally if you just listen to what’s out there, people are like, “Oh if you’re adopted that’s probably because you came out of the foster care system,” which, yeah, that’s out there. It’s wonderful if you can get adopted out of the foster care system, but that usually has a lot of psychological implications, emotional implications. So I think a lot of times people will assume that you came out of foster care. That’s something occasionally people will just assume—that I was adopted when I was a couple years old and that I haven’t always been with my parents. Well actually, I was adopted when I was two days—36 hours or something where I didn’t have technical parents but that’s not enough to make any impact. I think that would probably be the one where I have a personal experience with a misconception. I think it’s just a subject that’s not widely discussed so a lot of people just don’t know much about it. Like what a closed adoption is or what an open adoption is or the legality of it or really anything. So I’ve been pretty fortunate that people just come to me with questions and never have confronted me with any preconceived notions.
Your identity is always evolving, but mostly your identity—I would think— is based on how you were raised, what kind of attachments you had to your parents, the world around you.
What are the questions that you typically get asked?
So that would be the, “How old were you?” “Did your parents know that they’re going to have you for a while?” No it was a very sudden thing for them. “Do you want to meet your birth parents?” “Do you know anything about your birth parents?” “Do you know their names?” “Do you know where they are?” “Have you kept in contact with them?” Well no, it’s a closed adoption. “Are you going to contact them?” “What would make you contact them?” Those are pretty much it that I can think of. Do you ever find those questions too personal or do you not mind?
I really don’t mind because usually I’m not getting into that conversation unless it’s with a friend, which at that point I feel pretty comfortable sharing pretty much anything. Even if it were a stranger asking me, I don’t think I’d have a problem unless they were being obnoxious about it.
How do you think being adopted affects however you define your identity? Or does it?
I think it definitely defines a piece of who I am. Your identity is always evolving, but mostly your identity—I would think—is based
102
Jenny
Right Jenny’s dresser houses her jewelry and some childhood photos.
Outward
103
It’s just a subject that’s not widely discussed so a lot of people just don’t know much about it. Like what a closed adoption is or what an open adoption is or the legality of it or really anything.
104
Jenny
I think it will always be a part of my identity, but not a defining part of my identity. “Oh I have brown hair, I used to have a gap in my teeth, and I was adopted.”
on how you were raised, what kind of attachments you had to your parents, the world around you. So I think my identity has been pretty stable since the time I was—for as long as I can remember. I think it’s just a component of who I am. I don’t know. I think it will always be a part of my identity but not a defining part of my identity. It’s just something that is a descriptor that could be used when talking about me. “Oh, I have brown hair, I used to have a gap in my teeth, and I was adopted.” It’s not something that defines me in any way shape or form, which I think I’m happy about.
Did you ever realize, “Oh I’m different from everyone else,” or were you like, “Oh I’m special,” or did really matter?
It was never that, “Oh I’m special!” thing and it was never a negative. I think what got me the most confused was just like what you would maybe hear in the media or if adoption was the subject in a TV show or something. A lot of times in shows or movies the child that finds out they’re adopted is like, “Ugh somebody didn’t want me. Somebody gave me up because they didn’t love me.” And I think that’s a pretty common notion that you run across, but having never experienced that myself, that would always be the seed of confusion. Well should I feel that way? No, I have no reason to feel that way because I never— there was never any detail that I felt my parents held back from me. So I was very sure of who I was personally. The only confusion would be like my own experience in comparison to what the media would have you believe. But it’s pretty easy to ignore. We both had a similar experience, but I feel like we both grew up in a pretty open environment where we never really had any questions that didn’t get answered. Yeah. I have a point where I remember—I must’ve been in middle school or something—my mom and I were talking about the fact that you and I were adopted and she mentioned, “Well yeah it must’ve been a little different for Jenny because she doesn’t look like her parents.” And it had never occurred to me that like—you look different from your parents! I was like, “Oh! That must be a very different experience from me you’re right.”
Haha! No, that’s funny. I don’t think it’s been totally impactful—the fact that I was different than my parents. It was just never an issue that I encountered thankfully.
Outward
105
106
Jenny
Baby Book
Jenny’s mom filled out this book throughout Jenny’s infancy with details about her birth, baby gifts, her first words, and other tidbits.
Outward
107
Katie How do other people react when they learn that you’re adopted?
I get a lot of shock because—especially from people who have met my parents. I don’t remember how you reacted. Probably similarly. I was just like, “Oh! I didn’t know that!”
Yeah. But I get a lot of people who are like, “Oh my God, what? That’s not possible.” Because I do look like my parents. I once had someone accuse me of lying. They were like, “No you’re not!” And I was like, “ Why would I lie about that?” It’s such a weird thing to lie about. But yeah, people are just so shocked by it. And then I immediately get— well, a lot of people react like you and are just like, “Oh that’s cool.” or like whatever and just go on with life because it’s not a big deal. But some people who’ve never met someone who is adopted— Get really like obsessed with it?
I mean sometimes. I’m pretty open about it so I don’t mind questions. I do mind when people ask like, kind of naive, ignorant questions. They’ll be like, “Oh how long were you in foster care?” And like that’s not how most adoptions work, or that’s a weird assumption. But I get that a lot, like foster care questions, which is just such a completely different experience. I also get, “How old were you when you were adopted?” “Have you ever met your birth parents?” Or what people say that annoys me is, “Have you ever met your real mom?”
108
Katie
Right Sitting in front of my back door at home in Los Angeles.
Outward
109
I get a lot of people who are like, “Oh my God, what? That’s not possible.” Because I do look like my parents. I once had someone accuse me of lying.
110
Katie
Annie Annie is probably the most famous adoption story in America. The theater-production-turned-movie focuses on a small orphan girl in New York City who gets adopted by a wealthy man.
Can you elaborate a little bit on real versus birth? The conceptions and misconceptions of that?
Yeah. So I’m pretty sure that this is pretty standard language from everyone I know who is adopted. “Real mom” or “real parents” is the people who adopted you, the people who raised you. They are my real parents. And “birth mom” or “biological mom” is who gave birth to you. That’s terminology that’s switched a lot and that I think people should be more conscious of because it can come off as really like rude to be like, “Oh well that’s not your real mom.” People will say that. That’s rude.
They don’t mean it in a bad way, but it just—you know to have people come at you and say that your family isn’t your family when they know nothing about you. Why do people feel like that’s an appropriate thing to say to someone?
What other misconceptions do you face or do people bring up?
I think people have this idea that adoption is this very sad thing. I think that comes a lot from portrayals of like foster kids in media. I mean Annie is obviously a happy story, but you know they—I mean to some extent orphans and foster care kids do go through a lot of hardship but that’s not everyone’s experience. It’s just so normal and people don’t realize how normal it is. I mean I’m sure everybody knows a ton of people who are adopted and just have no idea. Because I mean I can think of like ten people who are adopted off the top of my head. The other thing is there’s a misconception—and this isn’t necessarily something that people ask me because it would be really rude—but there’s this perception that like parents don’t love adopted kids as much as biological kids. A lot of people when I talk to them about like, “Oh would you ever adopt a kid?” especially if they don’t know I’m adopted they’ll be like, “Oh I just don’t think I could love it as much,” or “We wouldn’t have a connection because we don’t have the same DNA” or like, “It’d be weird if they didn’t look like me.” I can guarantee you my parents love me just as much as they would have a biological kid. And I think every adopted person I’ve talked to understands that. It’s a legitimate concern if you’ve never, you know, adopted a kid before which most people haven’t, but I think that’s something that I wish
Outward
111
would go away. I wish more people would be open to the idea of adoption and realize that it’s not a big deal. It’s interesting because, in my opinion, if someone’s adopted a kid, they want that kid. They really want that kid. So from my perspective it would seem like they would love this kid more than anything.
How many people were adopted? In America, about 2.5% of children were adopted. There are around five million adoptees in the population.
Well, because you have to go through a lot of effort. Exactly.
I mean, like I said, my parents spent like seven to ten years trying to adopt a child. I think a lot of the stigma that comes from adoption is the idea that you were at one point unwanted.
Yeah or like abandoned. I don’t—there is a point in time when I kind of came to that realization like, “Oh was I unwanted?” One: it doesn’t matter because I’m wanted by my current parents, but two: I don’t think that is the truth in a lot of cases. I think a lot of times parents are forced to make a really hard decision because they know what’s best for their kids. Not staying with them like if they have an alcohol problem or can’t afford it, or like in China, where they’re not allowed to have another kid. And if they don’t believe in abortion, then adoption is a really good option. And it doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve been abandoned or were ever unloved.
How did being adopted make you feel growing up with other kids who had biological parents? I think it was something that I didn’t realize was as uncommon as it is. I mean it’s pretty common, but because I grew up with my best
friend being adopted, I was just like, “Oh lots of people are adopted!” So I never thought of it as like a strange or unusual thing and I never had a problem talking about it. But I mean kids who don’t know what adoption is because they’re five and are not adopted, you know they often ask a lot of questions. I think I just realized that like, “Oh I’m kind of different.” These people aren’t the same as me. And it wasn’t a bad thing. I was probably as a kid like, “Ooo I’m cool. I’m adopted. I’m so different.” Right? I do remember there was a kid that came to my elementary school in fifth grade and he was adopted. And he was
112
Katie
Top A section of my bookshelf with framed photos of my dad with me and Jenny with me. Bottom A film photograph of my family on the other side of the shelf.
Outward
113
114
Katie
Above
I have a ribbon board above my bed where I save all sorts of little tidbits like movie tickets, postcards, business cards, old photos, etc.
Outward
115
I think I wish people would understand how common it is, and realize it’s an option for them. Because most people, unless they have to because they can’t have kids, don’t consider it an option.
116
Katie
adopted from like foster care, but I remember being like, “Oh my god that’s so cool! There’s another adopted kid in my grade now!” and so we kind of bonded over that.
What is your experience with the media’s portrayal of adoption?
My bookshelf at home, featuring a baby photo and my car models.
I think there’s some that are really good, but a lot of media comes from people who are clearly not adopted or have no experience with it. I remember—the one particular thing that really set me off was my favorite book series growing up was the Warriors book series about the cats. Spoiler alert—in the third book series the main three cats at one point figure out that they were actually adopted by their aunt. Because in that lore the medicine cat isn’t allowed to have kids, but that cat got pregnant and like gave the kids to her sister. And I realize it’s very different to be—to always know you were adopted versus be told later in life. But they were so angry. And they went on about it for several books about like, “How dare they betray us like this!” and they wouldn’t talk to either their aunt or their mom. And I never finished that series so I don’t know if they ever came around but I just remember being so angry because there was never talk like, “Oh maybe this was best for us!” Because in that series it’s very sinful for the medicine cat to give birth. I don’t know. They just never were trying to be understanding about it or considering the mom’s situation. They were just so resentful, and I really hated that portrayal of adopted kids. Like that it was something to be resentful about. And at first I was like okay okay, obviously they feel betrayed because they were lied to. But they just never were like, “Oh maybe we should consider this in a different way or be thankful that we weren’t banned from the clan because we were like illegal kids.” You know? That made me really angry. And then, like I said, usually when someone’s adopted in media, it’s like they find out when they’re 22 and it’s a whole big thing. It’s never like, “Oh we adopted this kid from birth and it’s just an identity trait and not a big deal.” Except in like Modern Family. That’s the only one I’ve really seen where there’s an adopted kid and it’s just like not a big deal that she’s adopted. Usually it’s a tragic story, so I think that’s why people get that idea of sob stories. It’s kind of like LGBT stories also. It’s always portrayed in this like horribly negative way and not just, “I’m gay and it has nothing to do with the story.”
What would you like people to understand about adoption?
Outward
117
I think I wish people would understand how common it is, and realize it’s an option for them. Because most people, unless they have to because they can’t have kids, don’t consider it an option.
There’s a lot of people
I also—there’s a lot of people who are like, “I’m going to save a child from Africa!” It’s sort of become a fetish almost, especially in celebrity culture. I’m not saying that it’s a bad thing. It is a great thing to adopt an orphan, but the fact that people are praised for it always makes me feel weird. And my mom has mentioned this. She said like, “We were never like, ‘Wow, we’re these rescuers of you! You wouldn’t have had a home!’ We always were so grateful that you came into our lives and always saw you as a gift to us and not the other way around.” And I don’t like that idea of—you know adoption sites are like, “Help a child in need!” No, if you’re coming at it from a benevolent—
It’s sort of become a fetish
Like I’m going to adopt this kid to make myself feel good.
Yeah. Then you should not be adopting a kid. It should be because you want a kid and either can’t have one another way or don’t want to contribute to overpopulation crisis right now. You know, there are so many better reasons to adopt a kid than like, “I’m a great person.” I also think what’s interesting is the nature versus nurture argument. In one of my classes in elementary school someone was talking about nature versus nurture. Might have been middle school. The teacher was like, “Well we don’t really have a lot of evidence if nurture has a lot to do with a kid’s personality or if it’s mostly nature because how can you define the difference between someone’s genetics and how you raised.” I raised my hand and was like, “Hi! I’m adopted.” I am very similar to both my parents. I’m pretty much like right in the middle of them. They’re very much opposite people and I’m very much in the middle of them in most ways. And so I was basically like, “I can prove nurture right now.” But it’s also—my mom has cracked jokes before about how there’s certain personality traits I have that like neither of them have. I mean we can chalk that up to nature or just that people are different. Like the art thing. Obviously, some people have more of an affinity to art and that’s a DNA thing. But also the fact that my dad was an architect and is a photographer and always put a camera in my hand. They never shied me away from the arts and had a big effect on the fact that I ended up in the arts. So I think it’s always a combination of both, but I like to throw that out there when people are debating it.
118
Katie
who are like, “I’m going to save a child from Africa!” almost, especially in celebrity culture. It is a great thing to adopt an orphan, but the fact that people are praised for it always makes me feel weird.
Finding Out While in the past many parents kept a child’s adoption a secret, these days over 99% of children ages five and younger know that they were adopted.
It’s interesting that people never think about that. Because like duh, that’s the easiest way to think about it. But anyone is similar and different from their parents. I mean not just in interests but like I said, you get your personality and your sense of humor from the people you’re around and that’s just logical. I guess I just wish more people would talk about it so that it would become a more normalized thing. I think the stigma about adoption has thankfully been mostly eradicated in America in the past few decades. I was adopted at the right time because in the 50s if you’re adopted, you’re a bastard child. Maybe even earlier in the 50s. A lot of people didn’t—that stereotype of learning you’re adopted when you’re older mostly comes from when parents were ashamed to tell their kids or were afraid it would like mess up their head for some reason. Or for some reason they would be treated differently.
Yeah or that they wouldn’t love them, which is ridiculous. Kids don’t care. They really, really don’t. So when you come up with these stories of people learning later, it’s usually coming from that older stigma. The majority of people today know that they’re adopted from the research I’ve done and just the people I know. Which is, to me, the
clear way to do it. Because if it becomes a stigma, then it becomes a negative point in their lives. Adoption has never been a negative thing to me or never been a big deal because it was always normal. And if they don’t tell you and you learn at ten, then you know you go through some identity crisis. Then you’re like, “Who am I? Does this change anything?”
Yeah it’s like if someone told you, “Actually you’re not Chinese, you’re Indian.” Like all of a sudden, you’d be like, “Well I’ve based all these assumptions about myself on this culture.” But it is kind of interesting too to not have that ethnic background. Some people are so—their identity is so rooted in like what country they’re from. Like you, or my roommate Devika who is very Indian and cooks Indian food and is very involved in her culture. And I just never had that. One: my parents never were really that involved in their cultures. But two: that I never knew my culture, so I never had anything to latch onto. So it’s always weird to me when people have such strong ties to like… “Well this is the small village where my
Outward
119
“Oh well that’s not your real mom.” People will say that. They don’t mean it in a bad way, but it just—you know to have people come at you and
say that your family isn’t your family when they know nothing about you. Why do people feel like that’s an appropriate thing to say?
Outward
121
122
Katie
I guess I just wish more people would talk about it so that it would become a more normalized thing.
bloodline began and therefore I will carry forward the traditions and it’s super important to me and defines who I am as a person! I carry these rigid values!” I never understood peoples’ obsession with that. Obviously everyone—like I said I have a strong identity with like Los Angeles—but I will never understand that really strong, “My people came from here and therefore I am the way I am.” I think it differs from person to person.
Of course. That’s what I’m saying. It’s not a bad thing. It’s just something that I don’t relate to. To me, the people around me and the places I go have much more of an effect on me than any sort of DNA past. It just doesn’t matter that much. Your family is who you surround yourself with and who you become is based on the choices you make much more than because you subscribe yourself to a culture that you don’t live in necessarily.
Outward
123
Conclusion There is a duality to being adopted. While it means a lot as part of my identity—in how I define myself and how others see me—it also has little effect on my day to day life. It doesn’t affect how much I love my parents or how much they love me. As in most biological families, connection is not solely defined by blood. I hope that as adoption is better understood, that more people will recognize forming strong familial bonds is not dependent on DNA.
Citations
21
24
56
One-Child Policy
Abandonment Laws
Closed Adoption
Rosenberg, Matt. “China’s Former
“One-Child Policy Statistics.” All
“Open vs. Closed Adoption.” Find-
One-Child Policy.” ThoughtCo, 31
Girls Allowed, allgirlsallowed.org/
law, family.findlaw.com/adoption/
Jan. 2018, thoughtco.com/chi-
one-child-policy-statistics.
open-vs-closed-adoption.html.
nas-one-child-policy-1435466. 21 Chinese Adoption Today Munro, Robin. “Top 10 Myths About Adopting From China.” Holt International Blog, 4 Nov. 2014, holtinternational.org/blog/2014/11/ top-10-myths-about-adopting-fromchina/. 22 Sagwa, The Chinese Siamese Cat Publicity, PBS. “Amy Tan’s Sagwa, the Chinese Siamese Cat, Produced by Cinegroupe in Association With Children’s Television Workshop and IF/X Productions, Is Coming
“Abandoned children.” The Encyclopedia of World Problems & Human Potential. UIA. 42 Adoption Social Workers “What Does an Adoption Social Worker Do?” Social Work Degree Guide, socialworkdegreeguide. com/faq/what-does-an-adoptionsocial-worker-do/. 44 Open Adoption “Open vs. Closed Adoption.” Findlaw, family.findlaw.com/adoption/ open-vs-closed-adoption.html.
Daily to PBS KIDS.” PBS, Public Broadcasting Service, 18 Jan.
American Adoptions, Inc. “How Many Couples Are Waiting to Adopt?” American Adoptions, americanadoptions.com/pregnant/ waiting_adoptive_families. 63 Finances in Adoptive Families Vandivere, Sharon, and Karin Malm. “Adoption USA. A Chartbook Based on the 2007 National Survey of Adoptive Parents.” ASPE, U.S. Department of Health & Human Services, 1 Nov. 2009, aspe.hhs. gov/report/adoption-usa-chartbookbased-2007-national-survey-adop-
48
2000, pbs.org/about/blogs/news/
Adoptive Parent Age
amy-tans-sagwa-the-chinese-sia-
Oien, Erik. “What Does Age Have
mese-cat-produced-by-cinegroupe-
to Do With Adoption?” Partners for
in-association-with-childrens-televi-
Our Children, 17 July 2015, part-
sion-workshop-and-ifx-productions-
nersforourchildren.org/blog/what-
is-coming-daily-to-pbs-kids-janu-
does-age-have-do-adoption-0.
ary-19-2000/.
61 Adoption Competition
tive-parents?id=1.
77
Special Thanks
Transracial Adoptions
To my wonderful professor Chrissi
Vandivere, Sharon, and Karin Malm.
Cowhey. I could not have done it
“Adoption USA. A Chartbook Based on the 2007 National Survey of Adoptive Parents.” ASPE, U.S. Department of Health & Human Services, 1 Nov. 2009, aspe.hhs. gov/report/adoption-usa-chartbook-based-2007-national-surveyadoptive-parents?id=1.
without all of your encouragement and guidance. To Jenny and Molly for being so open, honest, and generous with your time. And to Angela for interviewing me and for always being my late-night studio buddy.
112 How many people are adopted? “Adoption Statistics.” The Adoption History Project, University of Oregon, 24 Feb. 2012, darkwing. uoregon.edu/~adoption/topics/ adoptionstatistics.htm.
Book design, binding, and color photographs by Katie Ehrlich. This book was created for Senior Design Capstone: Narrative Design, Spring 2018. Typeset in Proxima Nova and
118 Finding Out American Adoptions, Inc. “Adoption Statistics: Combatting Common Misconceptions About Adoption.” American Adoptions, americanadoptions.com/adoption/adoption_stats?cId=8.
Sentinel. Printed on 80lb text paper with 120lb cover. Bound with the coptic stitch method.