March 2015
Raising Happy & Healthy Kids with Parenting Partnerships Life l Health l Happiness l Love
Forget Takeaway! Fast & Fresh Budget Recipes Co-Parenting Through Separation: Do’s and Dont’s
Fussy Kids? How To Keep Sane
Mummy Shaming And The Drive for ‘Perfection’:
The Unrealistic, Ridiculous & Insidious Comparison
Embrace Your Imperfections! Realistic, Flexible & Healthy Pregnancy and Parenting
Life l Health l Happiness l Love
Contents
Publisher KPG Mac Pty Ltd
Executive Editor Kellee Waters
Art Director Jay Balan
Contributing Writers Marj Bulahan Josefina Gabuya Myra Lising
Graphic Design Assistant Raphael Lopez
Shameful Sport of Mummy Bullying: How 4 The Mummy Shaming is Causing Women to Internalise Unhealthy and Unrealistic Uncovering the toxic world women are creating for women.
Contact Us PO Box 164
GRANGE QLD 4051 Ph: 07 3356 9748 Fax: 07 3356 9748 Email: kellee@kelleewaters.com Facebook Page: facebook.com/iSelfmagazine/
About Us iSelf is the first magazine focusing on empowering people to be healthy and happy at any size and shape. It will inspire and inform people who have been previously ignored by other magazines, to find and celebrate their uniqueness in a society of constant pressure and conformity. The focus will be on all aspects of how to be happy within yourself, be healthy and live a full and enriching life. We will never have any quick fixes, lose weight quickly, strive for the perfect body stories that make you feel bad about yourself. iSelf will be bringing to the forefront some issues that are secretive for many such as binge eating, body hatred, guilt and shame of eating and more. We will only be talking to real people just like you, professionals who are working in the space and the researchers to bring you the latest and most valuable information for being healthy and happy at any size and shape.
Reality: Changes, Discoveries and 13 Embracing Appreciation A focus on your unique experience of pregnancy, birth and parenting, for health.
Special Thanks To All Community Partners, Contributors, Interviewees and Readers
Articles published in this and any issue of iSelf Magazine are copyrighted Š 2015 and are published by KPG Mac Pty Ltd. Viewpoints and opinions expressed in iSelf Magazine do not necessarily represent those of the editor, staff or publisher. Reproduction of any material without written permission from the publisher is strictly prohibited. The acceptance of advertising does not necessarily imply endorsement of services or products.
Division or Partnership? Could Your 22 Parenting Style Be Causing Your Parenting Challenges? Learn how parenting your child positively starts with your relationship.
Renegotiating Relationships After Separation 31 Child Centred & Focused
Realistic, Fostering and Strengthening Parent-Child Connections Flexible, Heal Your Negotiation
Functional & Effective Communication
Own Emotions
Effective Co-Parenting
Consistency & Structure for Stability & Mealtime Magic: Security
Leave Your Relationship Issues Out Of It
Feeding Fuzzy Eaters 38 Leave behind mealtime stress when kids refuse
Role Modelling
to eat and use the secrets of the experts to go from chaos to peace.
Quic Recipes the Whole Family Will Love 46 Take the pressure of mealtimes with these
yummy, quick, cheap, and easy recipes.
Welcome to the March issue of iSelf Magazine. The social pressure is stronger than ever, shaming mums into achieving the perfect body, eating perfectly, looking perfect from head to toe with not a hair out of place (including the mani-pedi), being a perfect mother and Kellee Waters working at the same time! Phew…. I am exhausted! Media and social media are constantly bombarding women with unrealistic and unhealthy ideals of what they should be achieving and then humiliating, judging and openly criticising them, when they don’t meet this ridiculous ideal. We are drawn into the illusion of perfection but it is only causing the ‘not-good-enough-mum’ syndrome whereby millions of real women are doubting themselves, pushing themselves to be more, until they are exhausted. This stress is harming their health, relationships and their children. Parenting is stressful enough and now women are drowning in a toxic pool of social expectation. It is important that everyone creates, and lives, their own life and recognises that imperfection is normal; it is what makes us human! Embrace all of your flaws and find the path of happiness, fulfilment and health for yourself and your family.
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TODAY!
Fiction: Unrealistic Expectations
How Mummy Shaming is Causing Women to Internalise Unhealthy and Unrealistic
M
ums are being judged, criticised and shamed for everything today, from the moment they fall pregnant. The majority of times, it is other women who are doing the shaming; whether it is someone from the public, someone from within their inner circle, social media or information from the Media. The fashion industry and Hollywood (Movie and TV) have created unrealistic expectations and role models for decades. As a society we are so easily ‘infected’ by the desire and need to be like the people we see and watch, that we have seek out any information and products to help us move closer to this ideal. Many people will do anything to be just like their role models, even if it is not healthy.
During Pregnancy – Damned if You Do, Damned if You Don’t The Media thirsts for stories that support the idealised role models or tear women apart when they don’t fit the mould. They are constantly scrutinising 4
March 2015 | iSelf Magazine
female celebrity bodies. How often do you see the media commenting on a male celebrity’s body, in the same way? During a pregnancy, the Media reports on everything including, if someone has not gained enough weight, gained too much weight, what they are wearing, what they are eating, the exercise they are doing and on and on it goes. Just some of the celebrities that have been shamed during pregnancy include, Kim Kardashian and Jessica Simpson (putting on too much weight), Hayden Panettiere (wearing a bathing suit at a beach, on holidays), Sonia Kruger (being too old) and Kate Middleton (not putting on enough weight). All of this judgement is being filtered down into our society so that women are starting to lose focus on what pregnancy is truly about and the focus is on body and image.
Weight gain in pregnancy seems to be unacceptable these days! When we ask pregnant women how they are feeling, they often respond, ‘fat’ or ‘huge’! - PJ Wells Stretch Yoga
photos courtesy of Jade Beall (www.jadebeall.com)
The Shameful Sport of Mummy Bullying
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Finding Balance and Being Realistic Avoid magazines and other media Focus on functional aspects of ✔ productions ✔ containing unrealistic your body that help you
bodies
experience joy, pleasure and achievement.
occasionally, do not make you unhealthy
around, having an easy going personality, showing you care by helping friends etc.
for balance! Look after ✔ Aim yourself and enjoy life. Identify and nurture all the ✔ characteristics that make you Enjoy food and understand that ✔ a piece of cake or other foods unique, e.g. being fun to be
- Loren Byford Eating Disorders Victoria
GUILTY OF THIS?
You wait until no one is home or when the kids and hubby have gone to bed so you can sneak that bar of chocolate that you have hidden in the cupboard! AAAHHH it feels so good to finally eat it but then you feel guilty and ashamed that you are hiding this secret. Conquer your guilt and using food to manage your stress with
FOOD ADDICTION THERAPY:
THE SIMPLE EATING PLAN Learn how dieting and stress has created the issue and how to turn it around in 5 simple steps.
Get your Copy Now and Break Free From Your ‘Little Secret!’ 6
March 2015 | iSelf Magazine
www.foodaddictiontherapykey.com/
Fact: Realistic Expectations
EMBRACING REALITY:
Changes, Discoveries and Appreciation Being parents is the greatest way to embrace change and compassion, appreciate differences and imperfections and make new discoveries and learn.
DO NOT UNDERSTIMATE YOURSELF BY COMPARING YOURSELF WITH OTHERS.
B
eing a parent is special and everyone’s experience is unique. There may be similarities in everyone’s experiences but no two people will experience pregnancy, giving birth and parenthood the same. Instead of focusing on what celebrities or other mums are doing or not doing, focus on you and your situation. Find the information and advice that is going to help you make the most of each stage with a focus on being as healthy and happy, as you can.
and also dads-to-be. With so much media and social media attention on pregnancy and post-pregnancy, it is no wonder mums and dads are confused about what are normal expectations and pressures. It is time to separate fact from fiction and understand what is healthy, normal and realistic about pregnancy, post-pregnancy and parenting.
Discovering Changes in Pregnancy
Challenging the myths of exercise during pregnancy.
Many changes are taking place in a woman’s body preparing her for carrying a growing baby and giving birth. These changes can be overwhelming, particularly to first-time mums, while for other mums it can still be surprising, as every pregnancy is different from the last.
It is important for every new mum to identify what is her goal (not anyone else’s or anything driven by unrealistic/unhealthy ideals, body-image, prebaby weight etc.) for her pregnancy e.g. healthy pregnancy, as close to full term as possible. Then, identify what are the things that will help her to maintain health and then focus on these aspects.
Better understanding of the changes helps set realistic and flexible expectations for mums-to-be
Fit Mum and Bub
Exercise and nutrition are very important aspects of March 2015 | iSelf Magazine
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Regular exercise and proper nutrition throughout pregnancy will keep your body, and the body of your unborn child, healthy. Exercise can reduce the risk of side effects associated with pregnancy, improve mental clarity, reduce stress and help to maintain a healthy weight. With improved fitness, there are also proven indications that the body is much better able to cope with the stress of labour and recovery time is reduced. Your fitness levels will also help you to be fit and strong for the challenges of early motherhood. - Dahlas Fletcher Bodyfabulous Pregnancy Fitness
maintaining health during pregnancy and will help with a natural birth. Every pregnancy is different therefore your nutritional needs, level and types of activity will vary. It is recommended that you talk with your GP and ObGyn at each stage of your pregnancy about nutritional needs and it is important to get a medical clearance to exercise, to suit your situation and to maintain optimal health. It is also recommended that you work with a Pregnancy Certified Trainer as they will ensure the program of activity is suited to your needs and is safe during pregnancy. There are many types of activities you can partake in during pregnancy, safely. Your prepregnancy level of fitness impacts your pregnancy fitness and activities. Therefore, someone who was fit prior to falling pregnant will be able to do different types of exercises and to different levels than someone who did not partake in activity prior to falling pregnant. Some of the exercise myths during pregnancy include: 8
March 2015 | iSelf Magazine
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March 2015 | iSelf Magazine
I am a WOMAN I am a MUM I am BEAUTIFUL My BODY is Wonderful
Enjoy Being a Mum and a Wife STRUGGLING? Let Us Help You Find Your Body Confidence, Healthy Eating Plan, Routine, Balance to Reduce Stress and Be Happy!
Contact Fit Minds & Bodies Clinic
Make An Appointment TODAY! Text: 0411 227 108
Text: 0411 227 108 Email: enquiries@fitmindsandbodies.com.au www.fitmindsandbodies.com.au
Email: enquiries@fitmindsandbodies.com.au www.fitmindsandbodies.com.au
A Sustainable Lifestyle Solution
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TODAY!
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PARENTING MATTERS
Parenting Division or Partnership?
Could Your Style Be Causing Your Parenting Challenges? Children challenge us to remain flexible and in control of our feelings and behaviour...
M
- UnitingCare Community Child and Family Services
ummy shaming and wars are everywhere we turn. Mainly it is women attacking women on not being good enough, lodging missiles of judgement, slander and ‘helpful suggestions’. It is happening online, on TV and in our own backyards. Why does someone else believe that they have the right to tell another person that they are inferior or wrong for not conforming to their way of thinking, beliefs and behaviour? The unspoken message is that, ‘if you are not doing these things then you are not doing your best and you are not being the I find parenting is the hardest job I have ever taken on! It is no easy task to balance a career and a family. In our situation we decided that I will give up my career as an IT consultant, and find a less stressful part-time job to be there for the children. I could then attend school activities, volunteer at school, do the school and sport runs and keep the household together. Still I felt as if I was not doing a good enough job of it! You are judged by others if you don’t volunteer at school and it was looking at other mothers, from the outside, that made me think that I was not good enough.
perfect mother!’ Unfortunately, these attacks are making mother’s doubt themselves both as a parent and person. It is making them feel vulnerable and as though there is something wrong with them, and in what they are trying to achieve. They are then driven to seek perfection. ‘Trying to be the perfect parent can cause problems. When mums and dads set their expectations at being perfect: doing things 100% right, 100% of the time and 100% is the only standard accepted, life is filled with rules, My biggest eye opener was when I realised that most mums won’t tell you about their own battle, their sleepless nights, their struggle to get their children to eat a balanced meal (sometimes just to eat anything at all!) or the emotional pain that you feel as a parent when their child is going through a difficult time. Most of us are too scared that if we admit that all is not perfect, we will be seen as a failure. And so, in silence we as mothers bear this enormous task of raising our children on our own. We are scared to be judged by others. To the outside most mothers think they need to pretend that they are doing just fine, that they can keep all the balls in the air. Liz – Mum of 2
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BEING A MUM: When REALITY is NOT as PERFECT as You Imagined!
Family life is NEVER GOING TO BE PERFECT! It’s going to be REAL! If you are feeling stressed and overwhelmed call Fit Minds & Bodies Clinic experts to help you reduce the stress, improve balance and find time for yourself!
Make An Appointment TODAY!
Text: 0411 227 108 Email: enquiries@fitmindsandbodies.com.au 14 March 2015 | iSelf Magazine www.fitmindsandbodies.com.au
A Sustainable Lifestyle Solution
Bridging Relationships
Renegotiating Relationships After Separation:
Fostering & Strengthening Parent-Child Connections
I
t is a fact of society that relationships breakdown. When relationships breakdown and children are involved, it becomes more complex and distressing.
In Australia, the divorce rate is continuing to decrease. However, the divorce rates do not show the true statistics of relationship breakdowns, as they do not take into account those who have been cohabitating and then separated. More couples are choosing to cohabitate than get married, per year.
Child Centred & Focused Realistic, Flexible, Negotiation
Functional & Effective Communication
According to the Australian Institute of Family Studies, 48.4% of the divorces in 2012 involved families with children under the age of 18. Data from the Growing Up in Australia: The Longitudinal Study of Australian Children (LSAC) indicates that children living with cohabiting parents are more likely than those living with married parents to experience parental separation. ‘Separation and divorce is a very complex and challenging process and time, for everyone involved,’ says Naomi Douglas, Family Dispute Resolution Practitioner, Marriage & Co-parenting Coach from NaomiDouglas.com.au. It tends to be a
Heal Your Own Emotions
Effective Co-Parenting
Consistency & Structure for Stability & Security
Leave Your Relationship Issues Out Of It
Role Modelling
minefield of negative emotion, stress and conflict. As a parent it is important that you try and build a safe, stable and supportive environment for your children. It is important for each parent to support and foster a close relationship with the other parent, unless there are safety and security issues. It would be optimal if both parents could amicably agree on what the best is for the children however this is the exception and not the norm. March 2015 | iSelf Magazine
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‘Unfortunately, the system of separation and co-parenting is more an adversarial process than a system that fosters effective and functional communication with a focus on what is best for the children,’ says Barry J Kerr, Consultant Psychologist from BJ Kerr Consulting. To help separated families not only navigate the process better but also change their perspective, it is important to hear the advice from experts who have supported parents through the process, for many years. The amazing experts we interviewed all agreed on the principles of developing an effective co-parenting agreement.
What is a Co-Parenting Agreement A child-focused plan that supports and fosters a close relationship with both parents (unless there are safety and security issues). The plan sets out agreed upon hours of contact, communication with the other parent, guidelines of parenting and routines for the children to provide consistency, structure and security across both environments/ households. This helps to reduce stress and anxiety, for the children, and helps them to continue progressing developmentally. Kerr says, ‘children who have similar parental styles, structures and expectations across both households have better social development, emotional regulation and do better at school, than those who have differences across households.’
People become entrenched in disagreement. They continue to battle over personal issues, separation issues, the children, finding a perfect solution and not being objective. They need to learn how to move away from conflict, compromise better and want to do what is best for their children and their needs. - Naomi Douglas NaomiDouglas.com.au 16
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Barriers to Co-Parenting There are several barriers that can get in the way of developing an effective Coparenting agreement and here are the major ones:
1. The Relationship All of the issues from within the relationship are brought into the Coparenting process, from communication patterns, issues that occurred, the reasons for the breakdown and who is to blame. Douglas says, ‘all of the reasons why the marriage/relationship broke down, whether they were chronic or acute, usually remain unresolved and therefore, emotional and personal issues play out during this process.’ Therefore, if you had problems with communication, trust, etc. this will create some of the underlying themes that create barriers to negotiation and agreement.
2. Emotional Wounds This is going to vary depending on the facts of the relationship and separation. Rhett Chapman, Program Manager for Post Separation Parenting Program from UnitingCare Community says, ‘the emotional responses to separation create different responses for ‘the Leaver’ and ‘the Left’. It is a highly emotional time with a myriad of emotions bombarding each person. Emotions remain unresolved and they are channeled towards the person who hurt them. This leads to a filthy game of attack/ defense tennis. Chapman says, ‘the topics can range from who was the victim, parental capabilities and more.’
3. Power, Control and Blame As Kerr stated earlier, the process and how it is set up is adversarial. Therefore, ex partners immediately go into the fight response which is, ‘filthy and point scoring against the other person,’ says Kerr. Chapman says, ‘feelings of loss of control can lead to a need to pursue justice or fight to regain some sense of power. Sometimes that occurs through parallel parenting where one parent does not accept the parenting of the other parent and wants to control what occurs in both camps.’
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The need to blame, gain power and control will keep the process entrenched in conflict with minimal positive resolutions.
(Hover your mouse in the above button 4. Focusing on Yourself and click
‘When the focus is on feelings of hurt or offence rather than the needs of the children, this can cause the separation to be more difficult for the children,’ says Chapman. This is a very difficult time for the parents with a lot of emotional distress and sometimes parents forget about what they might be saying or doing that could be hurting the children and making the separation more difficult for them.
)
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Kids & Health
Mealtime Magic: Feeding Fussy Eaters
I
f you are raising a toddler or child, you will know all too well the daily mealtime tantrums that millions of parents are faced with, around Australia. One of the common catch phrases heard by parents is, ‘Yuck! I don’t like it!‘ combined with eye rolling, pouts, pushing away of plates and even crying. This daily mealtime ruckus is not only stressful but also exhausting. To help Australian parents, we have gathered the experts and asked them about this very frustrating issue. They have provided some great hints and tips to help you understand your child better and how to use a little magic to charm them into eating healthier with less fuss! Soon, you will be able to move from mealtime tantrums to mealtime magic.
Kids Eat Food For Different Reasons Than Adults Do. Kids eat food because:
✔ They identify with physical or sensory properties of food. ✔ They are hungry. ✔ The food looks, smells and or tastes good to them. ✔ The food is familiar or favourite. ✔ It is easy to eat.
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- Deb Blakley Kids Dig Food
What Causes Fussy Eating? Many parents report that their child previously ate most foods and then began to refuse to eat certain foods. It can be a normal part of development moving from infancy into a more self-aware toddler and child. ‘This usually begins around the age of 2 or 3 for most children,’ says Deb Blakley, Accredited Practicing Dietitian & Accredited Nutritionist from Kids Dig Food. During this development phase, children are exploring their environment more, developing concepts of the world, testing boundaries and developing independence. Karina Savage, Paediatric Dietitian and Director of Smartbite Nutrition Consulting adds, ‘They may reject food because it has a taste that they do not like or are not used to. They may also start to refuse a food on sight because it resembles something that they find disgusting. They may also refuse food if it has been touched and contaminated by another food that they find disgusting.’
Looking Into a Mirror – Parental Role Modelling A parent has the greatest influence over how their child behaves, thinks, feels and sees the world and
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Creating Mini Mes
Is Your Child Mirroring Your Behaviours? You Yell, They Yell Back! They Eat What You Eat.
They Have the Same Fears as You. They Need the Right Outfit & to Look Right! Could you be passing down behaviours and beliefs that are unhealthy? Are You Looking into a Mirror When You Look at Your Child?
If you want your child to change, first you need to change you!
Need help? Call Fit Minds & Bodies Clinic
Become a Positive and Healthy Role Model And Change Your Negative Behaviours, Emotions and Beliefs.
Talk to the Fit Minds & Bodies’ Experts Today!
Contact the Clinic for an Appointment!
call: 0411 227 108 | email: enquiries@fitmindsandbodies.com.au www.fitmindsandbodies.com.au
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A Sustainable Lifestyle Solution
Food & You
Quick Recipes The Whole Family Will Love
W
hen there is so much to do and so little time in a day, don’t you just wish you could wave a magic wand and meals are made for you? Like many families, your job in the kitchen seems to be never ending! Feeding a family can be time-consuming and difficult as it needs to: ✔ Be budget friendly ✔ Quick and easy ✔ Healthy and nutritious ✔ Yum ✔ Appeal to the fussy eaters.
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We have compiled some recipes that we think have ticked all of the boxes and will suit just your family. You can even make them on larger scales for when other family and friends come over or you need to take something to a party. Get the kids involved in the kitchen and have some fun with these healthy, quick and easy meals. No longer will the kids ask for takeaway when they can make these at home!
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SOURCE: http://www.yummly.com
Chicken Burrito Bowls It’s colourful and full of flavour that kids will love! You can make it more fun when you ask your kids to choose the colours that they want on their plates.
Ingredients
Light sour cream Salsa
2 cups cooked chicken, shredded
METHOD
2 cups rice, cooked (choice of basmati, brown or quinoa)
Middle Platter:
1 can red kidney beans, rinsed and drained 1 can sweet corn, drained 2 Roma tomatoes, diced 1 green capsicum, diced 1 small red onion, diced 1 large avocado, diced 4 cups lettuce, washed and shredded Salt to taste Toppings you can use: For extra toppings, you can choose any other favourites: Sliced olives Fresh chilli, finely diced
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Jalapenos
March 2015 | iSelf Magazine
1. Place the following in layers: rice, chicken, lettuce 2. Option 1 – Layers: beans, corn, tomatoes, green capsicum, onions, avocados and other ingredients you would like to add. Option 2 – Mixed: place beans, corn, tomatoes, green capsicum, onions, avocados, salt into a bowl and stir through then add to the plate followed by any other toppings of choice. Individual Servings – more fun and choice for the kids: 1. Place all ingredients on the table in separate bowls 2. Everyone puts together their own plate the way they want. Estimated Time of Preparations: 25 minutes Servings: 4
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Life l Health l Happiness l Love
When there is no enemy within, the enemies outside cannot hurt you. - African Proverb