IN HER OWN WORDS

YOU ARE ENOUGH. AMANDA TOAL

BY NICOLE HEROUX WILLIAMS I PHOTOS BY NSP STUDIO

FIRST POST

I spent hours last night contemplating if I wanted to write this post today. Fear of what my friends, clients, and family would think of me was consuming me. Then I realized that is exactly the problem that keeps people like me from seeking help when they need it most. This is a long one and may pull on some heart strings but it’s worth the read. I chose to stay in denial. That was over, It was time I admitted to someone that I had a problem and was needing help. I did exactly that, I admitted I had a problem and then I went to the liquor store and carried on with the same cycle. this time. As the days went by and I waited for Friday to come I continued drowning in booze. One fireball after another, until suddenly something hit me, and I called everyone back once again to say, “bring me to the hospital RIGHT NOW!”

Those closest to me have had to watch me slowly kill myself over the past year. Some tried to offer help and I pushed them away. Others decided they couldn’t watch me do it to myself anymore and stepped back. Fast forward to last Monday: I called my Dr and was determined to detox at home. I called my Mom, Win, and Karena (my support system) to tell

At the end of the day, I was blaming them for “leaving me” or “judging” me when in actuality I wasn’t just hurting myself I was hurting everyone closest to me. They were scared for me and what this was doing to me. As I looked in the mirror a couple months back, I realized that the woman looking back at me was not Amanda anymore. It was a woman who had been drowning herself in alcohol daily to hide from anxiety, depression, and life in general. I noticed liver spots starting on my face and my legs. I had no color in my face and was basically just going through the motions of life everyday till the next drink. Admitting I had a problem to myself, and others meant that years of showing I had control over my unmanageable life would be exposed. I wanted so badly for it not to be true that I had an addiction that them my plan to do this Friday at my mom’s house. ALL OF THEM feared for me doing this at home but if it was the only way I was going to try they were all hands-on deck. The next step was notifying my closest friends and family and admitting the one thing I was so hell bent on denying for all I was hammered and continued to drink nearly until I hit the entrance doors at the emergency room. When I went in, I let them know I was here to detox and my last drink was at the door. My heart rate was borderline heart attack status, I had severe acute pancreatitis, a severe UTI from dehydration and I was essentially completely depleted of vitamins. I spent the next few days in what I consider to be living hell.

Detoxing all the toxic substance I was pouring into my body on a daily basis. I slowly started to feel like me again as the days went by. It felt like I was there for years, and it felt like I would never be home. Monday came and I woke up feeling different. I looked in the mirror again and Amanda was staring back at me. I had done it! I fought my damn hardest and I got through the detox, and I was never going back.

I got to come home later that afternoon and I hugged my daughter like it was the last hug I’d ever get. I did that because being sober now I realized that had I not gotten the help I needed it could have been the last hug I’d ever get from

“Those closest to me have had to watch me slowly kill myself over the past year. Some tried to offer help and I pushed them away.”

her before I left to detox. She knew her Mommy was back and different. She pressed her little forehead upon mine and quietly whispered “mommy, mommy, mommy you’re back I missed you”. As tears started to form in my eyes and I walked through my front door I started my life over again. I have accomplished more in the last four days than I have in the last four months.

My husband, family, friends, business I’ve worked so hard to build, education I have poured my soul into, and most of all I deserve to continue down this path of sobriety at full speed.

Today marks ONE WEEK to the day of my sobriety. I was so excited this morning that I made it this far. This one week has felt like I gained a month of my life back because I’m living clearly now, and I got the help I need. I will be continuing outpatient therapy and utilizing every single resource I’ve been given to continue this journey. I have been blessed with another chance and I hope that this story helps someone, even if just one person to realize that THERE IS HELP out there and YOU CAN do it! It won’t be easy, fun, or quick but I promise you it will be worth it. Someone told me that “all the pain will be worth it in the end” and they were right. My biggest fear was judgement and how I would be treated by drs if I said I had a problem and so on. Let me tell you what - the drs, nurses, techs, therapist, family, friends, and even the pharmacists rushing around to get meds they don’t usually have on hand; were MORE THAN amazing. They were understanding, compassionate, and willing to do anything they could to help me through.

Win & Karena - I don’t think I even have the words to express my gratitude for you both. Your patience with me, guidance, checking on my little one, understanding, running to my rescue, and making sure my mom was ok. The list could go on and on. You are both angels and I love you!!! (Andy included )

Dad - Thank you for coming and just sitting with me while I slept, bringing me to my appointments, and most of all bringing my personal belongings up so I could feel more human. I know it wasn’t easy and it isn’t easy watching me go through this but having you as my Dad makes me that much stronger.

Unity team - It’s no joke that the shortage of nurses is a real thing. These nurses are running, and they don’t stop for even a second. I never once felt uncomfortable, neglected, or dismissed. They are truly heroes and my team of drs was by far the most incredible support during my time there.

My Husband & Mother-in-law - it wasn’t easy watching me walk out the door. The uncertainty and lack of knowing what was coming next was heart wrenching. You both handled our home, Aves, and the farm of animals we have accumulated without a question. The daily we love you messages and texts kept me pushing through. I love you both so much.

And of course, to my other family and friends that sent texts, called, and are continuing to check in on me.....you make me stronger with every word and sent. Thank you for being on this journey with me.

Everyone has their own pathway to sobriety, ask for help and get the answers before making assumptions because had I taken that advice, I would have been sober a long time ago.

TWO WEEKS OF SOBRIETY UPDATE :

Today is two weeks of sobriety for me!! I spent the past week analyzing and questioning just about everything in my life. There have been some serious “wake up calls” and getting to know myself again. I had completely lost who I was to a substance. It consumed my mind, body, and soul. My decisions were based on the next drink or the chance I wouldn’t be able to drink if I went somewhere. There was also the fear that “someone might notice” I had been drinking already. I have found empty bottles of fireball in locations that have literally left me dumbfounded. I just kept thinking “how the hell did you get to this point?!”.

My anxiety had turned into full blown agoraphobia, and I didn’t leave my house for months. I realized how many important events, memories, and opportunities I had lost due to alcohol. Spending time looking through my photos it was clear just how bad I let things get. It took me a decent amount of scrolling and time to find a picture where I wasn’t entirely intoxicated. I had completely lost myself and had no idea who I was. My typical response to these

“There have been some serious “wake up calls” and getting to know myself again. I had completely lost who I was to a substance.”

thoughts would be to pick up a drink and bottle it all up again. Instead, I embraced every second of these thoughts and it made me determined to change it. ALL OF IT needs to change, but I also realized I can only change so many things at a time.

Taking baby steps with getting my life organized again has already paid off in so many glorious ways. I can never get back the moments or opportunities that were lost to sickness, but I WILL use that as motivation to change the things I can going forward.

I have mended broken relationships, severed toxic connections, and embraced my creativity and drive with pure determination. Today I went to my hometown and attended my baby sister’s school event (I have missed nearly everything in her life to a excuse for my addiction). My mom called me probably five times on my way to pick her up to ask, “are you sure you don’t want me to drive?”, “Do you want me to drive?”, “It’s ok I will drive if you want!”.

Until I finally said, “Mom it’s ok, I had to literally almost reteach myself to drive yesterday - this is good for me!”. She was so proud getting into the car and seeing me all smiles, and ready to take on the world with her. The smile on my sister’s face when she saw my mom and I walking across the field to her almost brought me to tears. I thought to myself “my biggest supporter is eleven years old, and I have let her down time and time again”. Luckily, she is a smart, loving, and very special little human that only cares that I am there now! As she walked me around and “showed me off” to all her teachers and friends, it hit me that I was glad this was the Amanda they got to meet. They got to meet the sister she is so proud of and supports no matter what bad decisions I have made along the way.

Attending this not only accomplished leaving the house, supporting my sister as I should have been all along, but it also

showed me even more the importance of this journey for me. I will do everything in my power to never let her down again! When we left the event my mom and I drove all around my hometown and it was like re-introducing me to my roots again. Showing me the changes I missed since I was present or sober in the town I was born and raised in. It reminded me of all the great memories and times I had prior to this addiction taking over. A piece of me was reconnected today and got me that much closer to finding who I am again. After leaving her school and dropping my mom off I carried on to my first outpatient therapy appointment. It went amazing and I could not have asked for a better therapist on this journey with me! I left feeling so comfortable and dedicated I went even further with my big steps for the day. When I mentioned my support people in the last post (Win & Karena) who are dear friends to me, I didn’t mention that they also operate a local recovery group “Hope Dealers BTC”. Today was the “Hopesgiving” event in the city.

Typically, I don’t go to the city or anywhere like I mentioned earlier. I stepped way outside my comfort zone and surprised them by showing up. I’m so glad I did! I was surrounded by people in recovery or supporting those in recovery. Together with other local resources, and even local law enforcement we were handing out hot thanksgiving dinner and supplies to people in need. When I showed up in the parking lot it felt different than I expected; I wasn’t scared, having anxiety, or worried about anything for that matter, except showing up! I was greeted with embracing hugs, smiles, and words of encouragement.

They say you must “change your people, places, and things” and to some (if you’re anything like me) that may sound scary. The way I look at it, I’m not changing those things I’m just finally allowing what was always right there into my life.

Continuing this journey is something to be proud of and there is nothing that I will let stand in my way!