{ SHIFT+CONTROL { IN HER OWN WORDS} }
AMANDA TOAL YOU ARE ENOUGH. BY NICOLE HEROUX WILLIAMS I PHOTOS BY NSP STUDIO
FIRST POST I spent hours last night contemplating if I wanted to write this post today. Fear of what my friends, clients, and family would think of me was consuming me. Then I realized that is exactly the problem that keeps people like me from seeking help when they need it most. This is a long one and may pull on some heart strings but it’s worth the read. Those closest to me have had to watch me slowly kill myself over the past year. Some tried to offer help and I pushed them away. Others decided they couldn’t watch me do it to myself anymore and stepped back. At the end of the day, I was blaming them for “leaving me” or “judging” me when in actuality I wasn’t just hurting myself I was hurting everyone closest to me. They were scared for me and what this was doing to me. As I looked in the mirror a couple months back, I realized that the woman looking back at me was not Amanda anymore. It was a woman who had been drowning herself in alcohol daily to hide from anxiety, depression, and life in general. I noticed liver spots starting on my face and my legs. I had no color in my face and was basically just going through the motions of life everyday till the next drink. Admitting I had a problem to myself, and others meant that years of showing I had control over my unmanageable life would be exposed. I wanted so badly for it not to be true that I had an addiction that 100
ROCHESTER WOMAN ONLINE : DECEMBER EDITION 2021
I chose to stay in denial. That was over, It was time I admitted to someone that I had a problem and was needing help. I did exactly that, I admitted I had a problem and then I went to the liquor store and carried on with the same cycle. Fast forward to last Monday: I called my Dr and was determined to detox at home. I called my Mom, Win, and Karena (my support system) to tell
them my plan to do this Friday at my mom’s house. ALL OF THEM feared for me doing this at home but if it was the only way I was going to try they were all hands-on deck. The next step was notifying my closest friends and family and admitting the one thing I was so hell bent on denying for all
this time. As the days went by and I waited for Friday to come I continued drowning in booze. One fireball after another, until suddenly something hit me, and I called everyone back once again to say, “bring me to the hospital RIGHT NOW!” I was hammered and continued to drink nearly until I hit the entrance doors at the emergency room. When I went in, I let them know I was here to detox and my last drink was at the door. My heart rate was borderline heart attack status, I had severe acute pancreatitis, a severe UTI from dehydration and I was essentially completely depleted of vitamins. I spent the next few days in what I consider to be living hell. Detoxing all the toxic substance I was pouring into my body on a daily basis. I slowly started to feel like me again as the days went by. It felt like I was there for years, and it felt like I would never be home. Monday came and I woke up feeling different. I looked in the mirror again and Amanda was staring back at me. I had done it! I fought my damn hardest and I got through the detox, and I was never going back. I got to come home later that afternoon and I hugged my daughter like it was the last hug I’d ever get. I did that because being sober now I realized that had I not gotten the help I needed it could have been the last hug I’d ever get from
