Sussex Miscellany

DODGY DIETS AND DRINKS

By Kevin Newman, a Sussex-born author, historian, tour guide and history teacher

With lockdown 17 hopefully ended by the time you read this (I think that’s the right one – have lost count) and the latest COVID variant vaccinated away, I might have a new problem. It isn’t the fact I’ve lost sleep at night wondering why each new variant isn’t called COVID 20, 21 etc. Nor is it my endless internal monologue as to why we shouldn’t name the variants the way the Met Office does with storms – after people. This is as I do think that ‘COVID Geoffrey’ or ‘COVID Margery’ sounds much nicer than ‘the South African variant’. No, my problem is after working from home and remote teaching for many months I need to lose weight. My children often now mistake me for a budget bouncy castle but I’m sure I’m not alone, and so, valued reader I’ve decided to help us all with tales of revolting recipes and disgusting drinks from Sussex’s past. Nausea will spread across the county and our scales will all stop groaning as we can’t face food and drink. Let the upchucking commence!

We’ll start with the man who put Brighton on the map as a heathy seaside resort, Dr Richard Russell. The hypocritical Hippocrates follower wasn’t exactly a paragon of health as you’ll see if you look at portraits of the portly physician. His 1750s book on the uses of seawater may have helped many Londoners with his suggestions of Sussex seabathing and sea air, but his suggestion of mixing seawater with milk? It may well be your first port of call to lose the contents of your stomach, even if not a few pounds. I’ve also mentioned before the Sussex drink of Bumboo, also a drink from the 1750s in East Hoathly and made of brandy and beer. This sounds a bit more palatable than the Doctor’s drink but unfortunately the effects were said to be regrettable. I know which one I’d prefer though, despite the name.

If seawater and awful alcoholic mixes aren’t your thing, then why not a bit of cannibalism to put you off food and help the pounds peel off? You could replicate a Victorian era feast where the chief ingredient was one of our clergy, who became a tasty dish for people from a Fijian Island. The Reverend Thomas Baker, who hailed from Playden in Sussex was eaten by tribesmen from Nivosa, which is on Viti Levu island in Fiji back in 1867 after making the fatal error of removing a comb from the island Chieftain’s hair. Although to be fair the Viti Levuians were also rebelling against the encroach of Christianity at this time. This was apparently punishable by death by eating, but Sussexians should not try to lose weight by travelling to Fiji and eating one of the tribe’s descendants in revenge as the current chief back in 2003 issued a formal apology on behalf of his ancestors’ behaviour. The museum in Fiji still has the soles of the Reverend’s sandals, which were boiled by the tribe but, it seems, were more unpalatable than the munchable missionary as they turned the potential footwear foodstuff down. So, should my barf-inducing banquet not have turned your stomach so far, you might want to, unlike the Fijians, try eating footwear instead?

Perhaps try some revolting remedies instead to lose weight post-lockdown? An ancient Sussex remedy was to ‘roast one mouse’ for whooping cough, but, who knows, it might work for obesity? Don’t forget though if you do try this, local medics suggested you needed to dry another two mice in the oven and crumble them into a powder. This lousy mousey medicine then needed to be added to your drink morning and night. Should remedies not rectify your rotundity, how about a bit of poverty and fighting? Perhaps recreate for your family a Littlehampton dish that once existed called a ‘Swimmer’. This got its name as it was where a whole poor family had to share a bowl of gravy with just one dumpling in it – which the children had to fight for. Being blessed with a ‘chopper’ would have helped out a family in this situation and may also be your route to roundness reduction. It was nothing to do axes though to help you fight (or even a 1970s bike), but the old Sussex name for a dried pig’s face. Mmmmmmmn! For zoom or (eventually) group Sussex talks and motorised tours, please call All-Inclusive History on 07504 863867 or email info@allinclusivehistory.org. Other tours, talks and events are available including ‘Spooky Worthing, ‘Brilliant Brighton’, ‘Super Sussex’ and ‘Scrumptious Sussex’. Kevin’s next book, ‘Celebrating Brighton and Hove’, out in June can be pre-ordered from www.waterstones.com/book/celebrating-brighton-andhove/kevin-newman/9781398100206 for £15.99.